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“Gabby!” Okay, so I know it’s an embarrassing name, it’s really Gabriel, but when you’re on a sports team guys tend to come up with nicknames for each other, mine settled on Gabby and that was sort of where it stuck. I minded it for the longest time and then one day it sort of made sense. I know it’s a girl’s name, but something about it made me unique! “Didn’t think you were coming for a second there…” He laughed as he pulled away from the curb.

“Thanks for coming all the way across town at this ungodly hour man…” I apologized to him. Days like today sucked. I had no car. I had no cell phone. Technically I lived on my own, even at 17. My dad had taken me away from my mom when I was nine and we had a pretty tough relationship as I got older. Finally things came to a head about three months ago and he had decided to toss me a beating. I decided that I had the choice to leave his house or duke it out with him if I didn’t want him beating on me anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to take a swing at him and I had walked out of his house that night…

My feet carried me to my mom’s house. She was the type of parent that really got into the idea of being a parent, but was not the best when it came to the practice of actually being a parent. I asked her if I could stay with her and she thought it was a great opportunity to put one over on my dad and show him how parenting was done and let me stay. It was a weird arrangement for me. It meant that I had to live all the way across town from my high school, and being a senior I didn’t want to change schools during my last year…

That meant without a car… I rode the bus a whole lot. Early mornings where I got to school super early, and many a winter morning walking to the nearest bus depot to catch the very first bus of the morning and riding it all the way across town.

About a month into my stay my mom got tired of being a mom. She moved in with her boyfriend, probably the best man I had ever seen her with… he was older, but seemed to treat her pretty well. He was a hard drinker like her and while I didn’t approve of how much time they spent in the bar he seemed to be able to afford to keep my mom in liquor and happy. She seemed happy and that was nice to see for a change. At the time she moved in I thought I was screwed. I really didn’t want to live with my mom and the guy she was shacked up with, but her guy, George, suggested that maybe I could just take over my mom’s old apartment. She rented it from this old lady who liked her and who only charged her $200 dollars rent. I was surprised when my mom went for it… it must have seemed like a good compromise between getting away from the responsibility of being a parent and continuing to stick it to my dad!

I worked odd jobs for my landlord and she, in return, cut the rent down to $100 dollars per month. It was a great situation for me as the stuff I usually had to do, mow the lawn, shovel snow, housesit her place when she traveled, was all stuff I would have done anyway just to be nice! I drew on savings that I had put aside from working all summer at a rental company to make up the difference. Money was tight for me, but I was able to come and go as I pleased and I had my own place!

I couldn’t catch a bus this early, as they didn’t run and I knew that I was costing Joe probably close to an hour of sleep so he could come get me. I always felt bad about that kind of stuff. Joe was a good friend to me and I was always having to sponge off of him.

“Don’t sweat it man,” Joe said with a smile. “Have fun last night?” Another knowing grin from him.

I smiled back at him, “The date with Jacky was a bust…” Jacky was this girl I had met on the bus and at first we had hit it off. I was attracted to her but she was three years younger than me… I didn’t really know if the difference in ages was going to work.

He hit me in the arm, “No details? Come on! Was she good? Did you go all the way with her?”

It was a tough spot. On one hand I owed Joe a lot. It felt weird to be talking about this with him. But I also felt like I owed him something of a debt. Finally I decided on a course of action, “You know, my dad is an asshole, but one bit of advice he told me that seemed to make a lot of sense. When and what you do with a lady is between you, and her. Or at least it is if you want her to still be a lady!”

Joe just laughed again. “Good point. Fucking cold this morning isn’t it!?”

I was relieved. I hoped he wouldn’t be mad at me, and it didn’t look like he was.

We passed the rest of the morning making small talk. When we arrived at the school I saw that there was a full size bus, instead of the short ones that we usually take for Varsity only tourneys like this one.

I asked coach what was up and he told me that the bus company had decided the full size was safer in this weather, especially considering that we were going over a mountain pass. That seemed to make sense to me, and it would also be nice as the bus would be nearly empty, so there would be lots of room to spread out and get some rest both before and after the tourney. It was a two hour trip in good weather, so in this weather it would be closer to three; it would be nice to get some sleep.

I looked over at the Stat Girls as they huddled together by the door to the bus. The Stat Girls were a bunch of girls who helped the team out, they sat by and recorded scores for the wrestlers during matches and provided recaps for the matches.

Karly… wow, Karly was smoking hot. She was a senior, like me. I had had eyes for her since I was a freshman. We both were in all the AP classes so like half my day was spent with her. That meant that I spent a good portion of my day trying hard not to stare at her. She was tall, maybe 5 foot 10. Heavy in an athletic sort of way. Large shoulders, large hips, big tits. She played soccer and was pretty good at it from what I heard. She wasn’t the type of girl who showed a lot of skin but once, she had stretched like a she-wolf in class and I saw her shirt come up around her mid-riff and her abs had been toned and firm. She had fluffy brunette hair with lighter, almost blonde tints that she usually let fall down around her face. Green eyes. Wow, I love those green eyes.

She had an infectious smile too! She flashed one at me as she caught me checking her out. I smiled back at her and felt a little guilty for checking her out. I had some guilty thoughts about Jacky. ‘I’m only human’ I thought. ‘There is no harm in looking, just no touching!’ even then the snow covered ground at my feet started to look a lot more interesting.

We all filed onto the bus and I found a quiet spot to lay down, wrap myself up in my blanket and get to sleep.

Chapter 2:
The tournament went well. The first kid they put me against was a loser. I tore him up in under 30 seconds, recording a pin. The second kid lasted a little longer but again, a pin. The third kid I faced was somehow worse than the first two, and I wondered how had he made it this far into the tournament? I was facing off against him really just screwing around, shooting in and scoring takedowns and then letting him back up when he did something unexpected. He swept in and grabbed me in a single leg takedown.

He didn’t bring me to the ground but managed to get my foot up into the air. I was embarrassed, but I got a weird idea, a move that I had seen in a book. I jumped, putting all of the weight on the foot he held while closing with him. I grabbed the back of his neck with my left hand and twisted my hips. My right foot swept up and knocked his feet out from beneath him and we both sprawled to our asses. I was in a shitty position to attempt to do anything about him being sprawled on the ground, our legs tangled up together, so I decided against it.

I simply rolled back over my head and to my feet. The crowd was going wild. I doubt many had ever seen that move before, and I have to admit, it mostly looked flashy. I was pissed now though. I shot down, making it look like I was going for a takedown. The instant my knee hit the ground I saw him bite. He thought I was going for a double leg and was surprised when I shot back up and grabbed him in a deep bearhug. My head buried deep in his chest as I tightened my grip on him. This was a trick I had picked up from one of the other guys on the team. It was a brutal hold. The air being crushed from your body while the head buried in your chest dug in painfully enough that you could barely move or think.

Suddenly I snapped my hips into his and lifted him bodily off the ground. This precipitated me slamming him back to the ground the instant my knee touched the ground keeping the hold legal but just by the slimmest of margins. My head in his chest knocked the wind out of him. He couldn’t move. I moved to my feet with my head still buried in his chest. He was done. I heard the slam of hand on mat that signaled a pin. I twisted my body and rolled away smoothly. We shook hands and I went over to meet my coach. He looked me in the eye and with a wry smile said, “What was that flashy bullshit?”

“Something I saw in a book, figured I’d give it a try.” I felt cocky as all get out and my blood was still up from the match.

“You know what the percentage on a move like that is right?” I could see he was worried about me trying to hotdog against someone that I couldn’t afford to.

“That guy was a loser,” I replied. “I wouldn’t have tried it against someone that I couldn’t get away with it on.”

Coach looked at me carefully, “He wasn’t such a loser that he didn’t get a pretty textbook single leg on you.” I felt a flush of shame at that. He was right. I let my confidence get the better of me. Stupid mistake.

“You’re right, I should have been more careful.” I felt a rush of shame. I was too cocky.

I turned away from coach, and there was Karly. Beautiful, smiling Karly. She had all of my clothes in her arms. The thought occurred to me that she seemed to always be the Stat Girl I had when I wrestled… “That was awesome!” She gushed at me. I felt a rush of pride and squashed it instantly. That was what had gotten me into this.

I smiled at her, “It was lucky.” She pulled up short at my tone. I was too short with her. She had a funny look on her face. “Sorry, I just got lucky. He was a loser, and I pulled a trick out of my ass. I shouldn’t have done that. I should have taken the takedown and worked my way out of it. I took a shortcut and if the guy had any class he would have beat me because of it.”

She put her hand against my chest, “Well,” her hand traced up, “still looked pretty impressive” she looked up and down my body and I realized with a certain amount of shock that I had done the very same thing with girls more than a few times in the past. Her eyes settled for a second on my crotch… the singlet didn’t do much to cover or leave much to the imagination, “that singlet looks pretty impressive too,” With that she dropped my clothes in my arms and walked away. It seemed like her hips had a little suggestive sway to them as she walked away and I had to take a moment and appreciate her ass. Wow the rush of hormones mixed with adrenaline shot through my body. Fuck, I wanted so badly to tackle her to the floor and just pull her clothes off!

I took a deep breath and started pulling my warm ups back on. Wouldn’t do well to have someone see the impact of all that Karly on my body! ‘Man, it really seemed like she was seriously checking me out!’ I had to be imagining things! There was no way Karly was into me, and what about Jacky?!

I went back to the bleachers and found my stuff. I dug into my bag and found the lunch I had made for myself that morning. Sandwiches, ham and processed cheese with plenty of Miracle Whip, three of them. A half-eaten bag of chips. A couple Pop Tarts. I wolfed it all down with plenty of water, thankful for the fact that even with the busted date with Jacky had had time to run to the store and pick up some basic staples. It was excellent and just what I needed to keep my energy up.

The last match was the toughest of the day. The guy had at least some talent. He put up a good fight for about three minutes. I was stronger though, and better. I ripped him apart. No showing off, I just broke him piece by piece. I finished him with a hard cross face that was just this side of legal and pinned him before the second round ended.

At the medal ceremony the Stat Girls from the teams took turns presenting medals to the guys who had won them. I noticed Karly jostling with some of the other girls and trading. Not unusual. Most of the girls liked to present the medals to the guys they liked or thought attractive. I was surprised when Karly was the one to present to me. She wrapped the medal around my neck and smiled at me. I stepped back from her and she put her arms out wide, “Come on big guy! How about a hug!”

I really wanted that hug, and besides I didn’t want to embarrass her in front of everyone! I pulled her close into me and felt the feminine figure pressed against me. She was taller than Jacky, fuller. Her body felt stronger, her bones thicker and more substantial, Jacky felt slight compared to this lovely creature. With Karly I didn’t feel like I was going to break her as I held her in my arms. I won’t lie, she felt great. Soft and smooth, yet strong and confident. Her hair was pressed close to me and a scent something like vanilla pressed itself to me. I squeezed her tight to me hard and firm, far harder than I would have dared to press Jacky to me. She just squeezed me tighter too! It was awesome! I lifted her off the ground, laughing and smiling the whole way. Karly stepped back and held her hand to my face. “Excellent!” She beamed. The light caught her green eyes and lit them up. I was lost in them. I almost kissed her…

‘Danger! Back to front and center!’ my brain screamed out to me. I pulled myself back into the moment and turned away from her…

The rest of the tourney was short and sweet. We packed up and got back on the bus. I was exhausted after the match and went into the very back of the bus and wrapped myself into my blanket. I wedged myself into a seat next to a window and drifted off. I woke briefly when the bus started and got on the road but managed to drift off into darkness once again without too much trouble. On some level I guess I registered that we got out of town and back on the dark highway home.

I snapped awake when someone plopped down in the seat next to me!

Some of the guys like to ‘rumble’ during the bus rides home, fight and wrestle with each other during the ride. It was a way that they let off steam and a practice I rarely participated in. I usually preferred to read or sleep on the road and I made my displeasure apparent anytime someone took a shot at me. Once I picked a guy up and threw him two seats forward, it bent a seat, and I was lucky he didn’t get hurt. I felt bad afterward, he was a nice guy and he was just trying to play…

This was not one of the guys though. It was Karly. I could smell her vanilla scent, so good... I was still half awake, groggily I thought, ‘Coach keeps the Stat Girls up front, where he can keep an eye on them’.

“Not this time he didn’t.” Karly’s voice, a whisper, surprised me. I must have been speaking out loud and not realized it! “Coach said we could run around the bus if we wanted, hang out with some of the guys! He must be really happy with how you did!”

I tried to shake the sleep from my mind. ‘Why is she here?’ I thought. I blinked stupidly, “What’s up?”

She looked at me, or at least I thought she did, it was hard to tell in the darkness. “What? I can’t come and hang out with you?” She sounded a little defensive.

My brain was still foggy from sleep, I didn’t do well with short naps. “No, of course you can. Sorry. Something specific you want to talk about?”

She leaned into me and I felt the warmth of her even through the blanket covering me. I couldn’t help but lean back into her. She just felt so right! “I don’t know, maybe you could ask me something… interesting?” It felt like there was a little coyness in her voice.

I fumbled for something to say. I knew what I wanted to ask her but I couldn’t… there was no way that she liked me, no way that a girl this magnificent was interested in me… “How did you feel about the Calc test yesterday?” I finally managed to stumble out.

She snorted out a laugh, “God! You are so stupid!”

Now it was my turn to feel defensive. The Calc teacher did this thing where he wrote equations on the board turn by turn and had the students compete against each other to solve it quickest, I beat Karly every time. Hell, I beat everyone but Brian, who was one of the others guys on the team, nearly every time. I went for the throat on that one! “I beat you each and every time in the equations competitions!”

She laughed again and said with a smirk, “And what grade are you getting in that class again? ‘Cause I’m getting an A!”

I felt terrible but I had started this… “I’m getting a C.” I was ashamed of that. I was struggling in almost all of my classes; sports and my hectic life problems weren’t helping me but mostly it was the fact that I was having serious troubles keeping organized due to my brain jumping around all of the time. I was having a serious amount of trouble keeping my attention on things and it seemed to be getting worse lately. The stress of my life seemed to be making my attention problems worse. It was like the lack of structure was making it harder for me to focus…

She pushed her advantage, “And you would be getting an A, if you bothered to do the homework. Kind of scary to see a person who doesn’t do the homework doing as well as you do. The only reason you’re getting a C is because you’re scary smart and you pick everything up faster than everyone else!” She bumped into me again.

Her little bump took a little of the sting out of what she said. She was right of course…

“That’s not what I meant when I said you were stupid, anyway.” She leaned into me again. “I’m giving you free reign to ask me anything you want… we’re alone here… the nearest person is like 6 rows away… hell, I might even say yes…”

‘Wait, is she hitting on me?’ I thought to myself. I was confused. Her mind was jumping around too much. Hell, her mind was jumping around like mine did. One second we were talking about math class and the next, ‘Wait, are we talking about sex?’ I thought. “Are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?” I asked her carefully.

She leaned into me again and purred, “Well I’m talking about sex. You might still be talking about Calculus. I’m beginning to think you don’t even think about sex.”

I was again defensive, “I think about sex!” I rushed ahead without thinking. “I actually think about sex a lot.” Okay, that made me sound like a pervert. Good plan, make sure you put your foot straight into your mouth!

She laughed at me. “So do you think about it with me?” I was shocked! That was not a question that you asked someone! Hell, it was not a question a good girl asked any guy! I had to be reading something wrong, Karly was many things and a good girl was definitely one of them! I had to remind myself that I sucked with reading people, and I was tired. I was reading into this what I wanted to hear.

She purred again, her voice a whisper in the darkness, “I’ve thought about it with you.” She leaned into me, this time it seemed like it was a little more sensual.

“What?” My voice was entirely too loud in my surprise. I saw some heads turn ahead of me in the bus.

“Shhhhh!” She hissed at me.

“Sorry” I replied, properly chagrined. My mind was racing. Why was she doing this? Why now?! What the hell was going on?

“So, what’s the deal with you and that Jacky girl?” ‘Aha!’ I thought to myself, the tumblers started to fall into place. This was not a genuine interest in me, this was just the petty, I’ll have him for myself game!

“Is that your business?” I asked her curtly.

She stiffened next to me. “Not really. It just seems like you and her are a thing. I was curious to see if you were available.”

Something didn’t add up here. She was acting weird. Karly was so confident, always that type of girl that seemed so sure of herself. There was a lot of that here, but it also seemed like there was a note of lost confidence in her voice. Like she was asking a question that she didn’t really want to hear the answer to. She pressed on, “She just doesn’t seem like your type.”

I tried to look at her and read her expression, but it was too dark. What was her game? “Again,” I emphasized each word, “Is. That. Your. Business?” She pulled back from me. I missed her comforting presence almost immediately. There was something very comforting about her being there pressed against me. I was shocked at how much that bothered me.

She spoke hesitantly, “No, it isn’t. I was just curious. I mean, I always wondered why you never made a pass at me. I couldn’t have made it more obvious I was interested, and I’ve seen you staring at me. I mean you think you’re clever like you’re doing it on the sly, but we have four classes together and have had four classes together for years. Your eyes are crawling over my ass for pretty much the entire day. Even though you’re with this chick now I still feel your eyes on me, only now you look guilty.”

I still couldn’t wrap my head around what she was saying. Karly was smoking hot. Every guy in the room had his eyes all over her. How did she know I had my eyes on her, or that I felt guilty for staring at her? ‘Because she likes you dolt!’ I thought to myself, ‘She was looking to see if you were looking!’

“Look, I wouldn’t say you couldn’t have been more obvious, I mean now, now you’re being pretty obvious, but a few measured glances? Not obvious. Also, aren’t you with Mike?” I asked her carefully. Now a part of me didn’t want to hear the answer. Mike was the guy that she had seen for the last couple of years. He was a year older than us. I was on the football team with him. He was one of those big, bullying asshole types and walked around like he owned the place. He and I didn’t get along. We almost came to blows a few times though that had dropped off sharply in the last year with my new body and new attitude, had Mike fucked with me last year I would have done everything in my power to crush his face, and only part of that was my jealously over him being with Karly when I wasn’t.

She leaned back into me, put her knees up on the seat and hugged herself. “He moved; went off to the University. Found himself some nice college pussy and now he doesn’t have time for me anymore.” I could tell that hurt her a lot to admit and realized that I shouldn’t have pressed her on the issue. She was a big girl and she could make her own decisions about who she chose to spend her time with. It was then that I realized I asked to make sure I wasn’t a fling and that she was really interested in me…

I understood now. She was alone. Like me. She’d been with someone so long she didn’t know how to flirt with a new guy, how to get his attention. My heart broke a little bit for her right then. Her confidence was smashed. She wanted to see herself as strong and independent. Wanted to see herself as someone that came straight to the point and said what was on her mind. This whole conversation was about gaining that power back for herself and going after what she wanted.

It really pissed me off right now. What offended me most the presumption. “What is it with you girls? You see a shiny toy every day and you’re not interested. As soon as someone else picks it up though, you have to have it for yourself!” I was quiet, but intense in how I delivered my little speech. “We’ve been in school together, hell, had half a day’s worth of classes together for four years, and nothing but a coy smile from you. Now that someone else is in my life, suddenly you want to speak up. You want to know why I’m with Jacky? Because she had time for me! While all the rest of you girls were looking down your nose at me because I wasn’t cool enough, or athletic enough, or didn’t have nice enough clothes or whatever the hell else people like you care about.” I was shocked at how angry I had become.

She didn’t pull away from me, which shocked me considering what I’d just said to her. In fact I was already cursing myself for a fool thinking she was going to get up and stomp off.

She just sat there quietly for a second. “That’s not fair.” She finally said. “I’m not that person. I’ve never been that person. Yes. I’ve not been the girl that threw herself at you, but I was always nice to you. I always liked you. You were funny, and intense and smart. I never made fun of you. I never put you down. Hell, I defended you to the people that did!”

God, she was right! I remembered then one time when I was a sophomore. Mike decided to lay into me and I just took it. It wasn’t until the next year when I got tired of the crap and started to fight back. I remember Karly telling him to leave me alone.

I remembered her storming off when he didn’t. What I most likely didn’t see was the fight that broiled out of it. She continued talking, a note of tease in her voice, “Besides, you’re not that shiny!”

‘Wow! I really like this girl!’ I thought to myself. Time to eat some crow, “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry. I projected my insecurities onto you, and that wasn’t fair.” I stopped and tried to glance over at her to see if she accepted my apology. I very much wanted her to. I hoped I hadn’t ruined my chances with her because of my insecurities and the baggage I carried. I smiled and added, “And I am very shiny! I saw you checking me out today!”

She snuggled closer into me. I wanted very much to put my arm around her right then, but I couldn’t. While Jacky and I hadn’t been official, we had been dating and while we hadn’t made a commitment to each other it wasn’t right to hand all over this girl while I was dating another. ‘This is who I am now’ I thought to myself.

“Thank you.” She whispered to me. “I just wanted to know. I wanted to know why you chose some bubblehead over me.”

I was a little offended by her calling Jacky a bubblehead, but I squashed that down. No sense in making her angry again. I wanted her to understand, hell, I wanted to understand, “I don’t know. It just happened. She had time for me. She made it easy. She just let me know she was interested in me, and I just went with the flow, and now, well now, here I am. I’ve been alone for a very long time. I’ve always felt like someone standing on the outside looking in. It used to bother me and then one day it just stopped. I stopped feeling anything but angry. I didn’t want to be angry anymore. I just want someone to care.” The air just sort of went out of me. Was that all it was? Was that all she was to me? Did I care about her, or did I just want to not be alone anymore?

‘Or did you just want to get your dick wet?’ the cynical voice inside me asked…

I wanted to rail against that, but I just didn’t have the energy anymore.

“Are you fucking her?” Karly’s directness surprised me!

I looked over at her with an ‘are you kidding me?’ look on my face. “We’re not going to talk about that for certain…”

Karly looked deep into my eyes and I lost myself in them for a second. I thought she was going to be pissed about me telling her no but she just seemed to be a little more impressed. “You’re a lot deeper than I thought you were… I always was impressed with you, but now you’re making a girl crush a bit over here!”

I wanted to keep talking to her. I wanted to tell her that I was interested in her too but I was also scared that I was crossing a line… both with Jacky and with Karly. “I’m tired.” I told Karly. “It’s been a long day. I’m going back to sleep now.” I felt her stiffen again, and she started to move away. I felt wrung out, I was tired, but mostly I just felt alone. “Wait.” My voice surprised me… “Stay. Stay with me. I don’t want to be alone right now.”

She pushed herself back against me. “On one condition. Share your blanket with me?”

I laughed in spite of myself. “I’ve got one better for you.” I held my blanket up for her and she crawled in with me. I put my arm around her and she snuggled in tighter to me. Some voice in the back of my head told me that I shouldn’t be holding her but I just didn’t care anymore. She felt good and she chased away the bad thoughts in my mind. I was tired of listening to them…

I woke when the bus finally came to a stop at the school. My face was pressed against the top of Karly’s head and the smell of her shampoo seemed like it infused every part of me. ‘God she smells so good!’ I thought to myself. We were both groggy from just falling asleep and were tangled together from sleeping. I realized then, she had her hand on my crotch, and I was… very… excited about it. Her hand suddenly slid up… I tried very hard to move away from her but I think she noticed all the same.

I just had time for the thought to form and she sat up and stretched. I always thought Jacky stretched like a cat… Karly stretched like a wolf. Powerful and sexy. God I wanted to kiss her…

“Hey, get up sleepyhead!” Joe’s voice surprised me. Then the lights were on and I couldn’t see. And once my eyes finally adjusted to light I could see the surprise on his face. “Uh, yeah… hey Karly.”

Karly just stood up and grabbed her stuff. “Hey Joe! Take good care of him! He was great!” She had a weird smirk on her face she looked at me and winked. ‘Fuck! That was sexy as hell!’ I thought to myself.

And with that she was gone. Leaving me with only the fading scent of her shampoo trapped in my nose. Joe leaned in close, “What are doing man!? What about Jacky? You went out with her last night and then you just fuck Karly in the back of the tourney bus?”

‘Wait, what?’ The thought just pushed its way into the forefront of my mind. “What the hell are you talking about? I didn’t ‘fuck’ Karly! We just talked for a bit and then fell asleep! Sheesh!” I grabbed my stuff quickly, wrapping everything up in my blanket. I was starting to get angry with him.

“Dude seriously?” He called out to me. “You want a ride home or not? Cause if you do, you need to stop and talk to me.”

Just about that point, I got next to Karly as she was grabbing her stuff from her seat. She turned and looked at me, “No problem, I’ll give you a ride!”

I stopped short. “Uhhh… I live all the way across town. It’s going to take a while to get there.”

She smiled, “No problem, I have a friend that lives over that way and I was going over there anyway!”

I looked back at Joe who looked very uneasy. “Uh… I think that’s a bad idea.”

I was getting annoyed with Joe now. This was ridiculous. This really wasn’t a big deal. He was worrying way too much about me and Karly and it was really none of his business. “Joe, it’s cool. She’s headed that way anyway. It’s like 11 at night and everything’s covered in snow. You don’t need to waste time going all the way across town!”

Coach spoke up then. “Look kids, I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here! Everyone off the bus!”

I looked at Joe, “It’s cool, and I got this, trust me.” And just like that I was off the bus and headed to Karly’s car. Just before I got there I looked back and saw Joe standing in front of the bus, silhouetted in the headlights just staring at me. I got in the car and told myself that he was being stupid.

Karly started the car up and pulled out of the spot she was parked in entirely too fast. The rear wheels skidded out and she swung the car around and quickly pulled out of the parking lot. When we finally hit the street out front I was starting to seriously begin to worry that she was trying to kill us both in what would appear to be a murder suicide designed to look like an accident.

I finally spoke up, “Uh… I appreciate the ride and everything, but would also like to arrive at my destination alive.” She looked at me and smiled. She reached over and opened the console pulling something out.

She starting fiddling with whatever it was and said, “Sorry. I’ve been dying for a smoke for hours now! I just wanted to get on the road so I could have one!”

It was then that I realized what she had in her hand, cigarettes! I thought she was one of those good girls! Good girls don’t smoke! “You smoke?” I managed to stammer out.

She looked at me funny, “You knew I smoked, you saw me last year at that party and I was standing outside smoking!”

I realized then that she was right. I remembered looking at her and watching her. I thought how sexy she looked standing there, I had always had a thing for girls who smoke. I had wanted so badly to go over to her and tell her she looked great that night.

She kept looking at me, “So, do you mind if I have one? I’m dying for one here?”

I was still shocked, “Where do you even get cigarettes?” I asked her.

She looked at me like I was stupid. “I buy them. I’m 18. I turned 18 a month ago! In fact the only reason I’m in your class and not the one ahead of you was that my birthday was two weeks after the cutoff!”

“Well excuse me! It wasn’t like I was invited to the birthday party or anything!” Man, I really wished she had invited me to the party!

“Well, can I have one? Do you mind?” She asked me shyly.

That shook me out of my trance. “Oh, yeah, it’s fine. Both of my parents smoke so I’m kind of used to it.”

She slowly took one from the pack and lit it, taking a deep puff from that first drag. She rolled her window down a crack and exhaled the smoke out the window. ‘Holy shit that’s sexy!’ I thought as I watched her smoke. She noticed me watching her and started flipping her attention between me, the road and her cigarette. Finally, she broke the silence, “What? Do you want me to put it out?”

I was suddenly embarrassed again, “No, it’s just.” I fumbled to put it in a way that wouldn’t make me sound like a weirdo, “I always thought girls who smoke were sexy. Something about it that just gets me going.” I was tired. Jeez, mission failed and I sounded like a weirdo…

She took another long drag from it and smiled at me. “Does your Jacky smoke?” she asked me as she exhaled, pushing the smoke towards the window.

I looked out the window, watching the snow fall, the lights pass. I was quiet for a while. “No.” I finally answered her. I was starting to realize how far behind me Jacky was. How far behind everyone I knew she was.

“Well that’s strike three…” Karly said, her voice like a dusky whisper. I didn’t know if she was talking to me or to herself.

I turned back to her. Her face lit by the instrument panel. ‘God she’s beautiful’ I thought to myself. I recoiled a bit at the thought but couldn’t help myself. “Strike three?”

Karly looked at me and smiled. A pure smile that lit up her pretty face far more than the lights of the instrument panel ever could have. She pushed her cigarette out the window and rolled it up, cutting off the cold air rushing into the car. Her smile faded to just an uptick of her lip on one side of her face. “Strike one. She’s a bubblehead. I’ve seen her, she’s dumb as a post. You’re smart as hell. She’s sexy, but dumb is going to get old really fast.” Karly was right. Jacky was not the smartest person in the world. I often found myself having to explain stuff to her that I felt was basic…

Karly continued, “Strike two, she’s immature. You’re three years older than her. That may not seem like a lot, but trust me, I’ve dated an older guy, and even a small difference in ages is going to mean a lot. In a few months you’re going to be going to college, she’s going to be talking about going to the mall. Again, that’s going to get old really fast.” Again, Karly had pinned it down correctly. It wasn’t so much that Jacky was stupid, it was that she was both not smart, and uneducated. We didn’t see things on the same level and that was getting really old.

Karly pressed her last advantage, “And strike three, she doesn’t smoke, which you find sexy. I like my chances.”

I shook my head. Maybe I was just too tired to keep pace with what she was talking about. Her mind jumped around like mine did, never staying on the same topic for more than a few seconds. I had never been around someone who thought the way I did. I saw how frustrating it could be… “What are you talking about?” I finally asked her when I realized I wasn’t going to add everything up.

“You and me.” Duh. I knew that. What did Jacky have to do with that? And also, there was no Karly and me… I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that.

“You and me?” I asked her.

“I’ve been thinking about it.” We were getting close to my house. I wished she would take a wrong turn. I wanted to stay here longer with her… “I want you. I want you to myself.” She looked at me and even in the dark I imagined I could see those perfect green eyes. I wanted to brush the hair from her face. To lay kisses down the side of her neck. To feel the warmth of her beneath me as I surged into her…

‘Stop it!’ my brain called out to me and I forced my mind away from that.

“I want you and I’m not going to take no for an answer.” She looked at me with a directness that startled me a bit. This is how a deer feels as the wolf drags it to the ground. I felt the sense of inevitability settle down over me. It seemed certain. Like I was being drowned, like being pulled into a dark abyss, water filling my lungs, I fight upward but ice has covered the hole and I can’t find air…

“I want you to myself, and I’m not giving up. She looked directly into my eyes. A part of me wanted to scream at her to keep her eyes on the icy road but she had me locked into that stare, her soul mixing with mine… Her gaze finally turned back to the icy road. “So what do I have to do? What do I have to do to make you mine?” her voice was suddenly fragile. A voice warned me that saying the wrong thing would shatter her right now. She was plunging into the icy depths right next to me, maybe coming after me... this was a moment that would change the person she was forever if I answered wrong.

I thought about it. What did she have to do? ‘Not much’ I admitted to myself. One day, hell not even one day with her and I was close to forgetting everything I felt about Jacky. Everything that I was so sure of when I got out of bed, blown away like one of those buildings you see in an atom bomb test. Just torn away to the foundations like ashes in the wind. I clenched my jaw and looked away from her. My eyes settling on the falling snow outside the window. My mind felt like those flakes, drifting in the wind, pushed this way and that. No focus, no thought, just white serenity. Who was I? Why was it important? Suddenly I knew that this moment was important. This moment would be one that I’d look back on and realize that it made or broke my entire life. It seemed so petty but I sensed it.

It had always meant so much to me to be the kind of person that was loyal… to never have to worry about my changing mercurial feelings. I never thought I was weak. Karly was making me weak though. I had starting feeling and now those feelings were starting to break through cracks and rage up. I realized then that I suppressed a lot of myself in anger. It was a realization that rocked me to my core. The person I was, was shifting very quickly and I was having trouble keeping up with that person.

Her voice cut through my thoughts, “Do I have to apologize for not noticing you? Well I do. Do I have to apologize for choosing Mike over you? I do. I wish that I had done what my heart told me the first time I saw you, really saw you.” She looked at me again, something between anger and sorrow on her face, “That first glance at the man you are, the strength and the sadness. I saw how lonely you were, and how strong you were while you stood looking into the darkness. I walked away from you then because I was scared and I’m sorry. I’ve known that person since I was a freshman and I kept turning away from him. I know I don’t deserve you but now I’m scared that I won’t ever get to see the rest of you and I feel like I’ll die if I don’t.” Tears rolled down her cheeks.

What brought this on? Why did she feel so strongly about this? I mean I had noticed her, but I had never felt strongly about her. Maybe a slight crush, a lust for her beautiful form but not this deep emotional connection. Was I broken? Did I just not feel like everyone else did? Could I not form an emotional connection to anyone? Maybe she was just crazy?

I rolled my feelings around and examined them. This felt very right. So much more than it ever had with Jacky… I felt a connection with Karly that I had never felt with anyone before in my life…

“So what do I have to do?” Her voice cut into my thoughts and brought me back to the moment. She looked into my eyes again and I felt our souls lock again. Her jaw set and she seemed to push her will onto me. Her eyes returned to the road, her grip tightened on the wheel. “Do I have to have sex with you? ‘Cause if that is all it is, just say it.”

‘Holy shit!’ my brain suddenly threw a breaker. ‘Where did that come from?’

“You want to fuck me?” Again she pinned me down with that stare, and I felt so helpless. I was the deer again, the wolf tightened its jaws around my throat and I thrashed helplessly. I pressed myself to the ice holding me under the water and felt the cool texture of it against my hands; the small imperfections as I thrashed against it, the last things my fingers would ever feel. “You can. Just say the word. My parents are gone until next Tuesday on a ski retreat. Just say it. I’ll take you back to my place and I’ll fuck your brains out all night long. Hell, I’ll fuck your brains out all day tomorrow too. You can have me any way you want, anything you can think of, any way you can think of. All I ask in return is that you hold me in between. That you make me feel like you care about me the way I care about you. And Monday morning you end it with her. I won’t be anyone’s side bitch and I won’t share you with anyone else.”

‘We should take that option’ my brain, and my cock screamed out to me. I might have said yes right then… but I saw the tear drop down her face. I was breaking her. She wanted so desperately to not be dependent on anyone… to not need anyone. To be beautiful and confident and I was taking that from her just by being quiet. I didn’t have a good answer for her. I couldn’t think. We started to come up to my house…

I had to buy some time to think. Not speaking right now was tearing her apart at the seams. I reached my hand out to her, held it open and hoped she would take it. She looked at it like a snake that would bite her. “Drive around the block please,” I found myself saying to her. Her hand slipped into mine and she nodded her head, the car speeding back up. Her hand was cold in mine. She squeezed it so hard! I returned the pressure hoping it would help ground her.

I looked forward into the snowy night. Watched the rhythmic pulsing of the windshield wipers. The regularity of them seemed like a life preserver in the water for me. Shwish, shwish they went, focusing my thoughts. What did I want? Tear it down to the foundation and really look at it… not what Karly wanted. Not what my friends thought. Not what my dad thought about me. What did I want? I want to be someone. I want to be someone to someone. Someone that turns the gears of someone else’s world. I didn’t need much. Not a whole host of friends and family that loved me. Just one person. One person that truly saw me for me. One person I couldn’t hide from no matter how hard I tried. And I wanted to be good… to be the person that person deserved.

My thoughts drifted to carnal thoughts of Karly. In my mind I pictured her naked. My hands tangled in hers as I kissed her deeply, the feeling of my cock sliding deep into her. The feeling of her thighs against my hips as I drove into her. The feeling of her lips on mine as I kissed her deeply. In my mind there was a little yellow light shining on her face from my left side, bathing that side of her beautiful face as I pulled away from our kiss and stared at her. Her eyes closed in ecstasy as I drove into her again and again. My heart swelled as I thought about it and I wondered what that meant. Normally when I thought about this it was all centered on the sensations of the flesh, the feeling of her body on my cock, the tightness there, the sensation of driving in and out of someone, but this was so much different; this was all about my feelings for her, the feelings in my heart and my mind; not the feeling of my body and hers.

‘Stop it!’ my brain shouted to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it though. This was so much different than any other fantasy I had ever had. It felt like I was there… like a dream in real life. In my mind, I closed my eyes and felt her all around me. I couldn’t see her, but I could hear her moans, feel her hands clenched tight in mine. I could smell her hair as I leaned back into a kiss with her. I could taste her perfect lips and her perfect tongue as it crawled into my mouth.

I could feel her body trembling. I could feel the blankets rub against our legs as I pushed into her over and over. I could feel the urgency of her voice as she whispered for me to go faster and harder. I pushed my face into the hollow of her neck again and tasted her sweat. I could feel my breath on her face as I whispered into her ear… “Karly.”

I could feel her hand untangling from mine. I could feel her nails scratch at my ass and she put her hand there to pull me into her harder. My hand was on her breast then and she moaned in ecstasy through the combination of sensations. Our eyes met and her hand snapped up to my head and pulled me back into a deep kiss. She threw her head back and screamed as she crested beneath me, a scream of raw sensual bliss and I knew pride in knowing that I had given this to her…

To be the person they deserved…

The thought of it crashed into me and pulled me out of the fantasy, or vision, whatever it was. My eyes snapped open and I didn’t even realize that I’d closed them. We were closing in on my house for the second time. How was that so short a time? It felt like I’d been inside her for hours…

Be the person someone deserves. The thought was like a mantra in my mind. It gave me strength I didn’t know I had. I looked at her again, ‘God she was so beautiful!’ I again thought. I could see something like panic in her eyes, no longer was she the wolf, now she was the deer. The car stopped in front of my house.

“I can’t go home with you” I whispered to her. The tears threatening her eyes suddenly spilled over the edges. I brought her hand up to my lips and kissed it. “It’s not about you. It’s about me. I can’t be the person you are asking me to be.” I considered what I was about to say, “I won’t be the person you are asking me to be.” Suddenly I felt steel inside myself and I knew in that moment that I was right before when I thought this moment would be one of those that would define the man that I would one day be. “No woman that ever loves me will share me with another. I won’t do that to you and I won’t do that to Jacky. I don’t know what I want, but I do know that if I went home with you right now the person that you woke up with tomorrow morning wouldn’t be the same person you went to bed with tonight.”

I raised my hand and brushed the tear away from her face. “Don’t cry about me. I’m not worth it. I’m not the person you think I am. For everything that I am I want to go home with you. I want to feel every inch of you to know every inch of you. That is selfish of me and you shouldn’t cry for that piece of shit. I’ll try to be better. I’m sorry.” I pulled my hand away from hers and started to turn to the door.

“Kiss me?” I turned back to her. Her eyes were locked on me again. The hardness in her edges was back and my heart soared to see it. She had been tempered by this moment and had come out somehow stronger… I wanted her even more…

I didn’t respond I just leaned in and kissed her with every fiber of my being. Maybe it was the dry winter air, maybe I had just shuffled my feet to much on the carpet while I sat here but I could feel a small jump of electric current as our lips touched. The kiss started off slowly. Small, chaste even, and then built like an avalanche. I found my hands tangled in her hair. My nose filled with that vanilla scent again, tinged with just the slightest hint of the bitter smoke of her cigarette. Her mouth opened beneath mine and I couldn’t help but respond in kind. Her tongue probed into my mouth and her tongue tasted just the way that it did in my vision of her.

My hand found its way around her breast. Fuller than Jacky’s. Firmer. She moaned into my mouth. This is so much better than Jacky…

That thought snapped me back to reality. I pulled away from her. ‘God, she almost pulled me in’ I thought to myself. ‘I was almost helpless.’ And I wouldn’t have cared either… the thought scared me a little. “Please don’t…” I whispered to her. It was a plea from me to her. She had me right there. She had me pinned to the wall and all she had to do was lean in and kiss me one more time and the last vestiges of whatever man I was would be blown away like snow in the wind. I wasn’t sure that I would like the man that would be left after that wind…

“Go. I can’t control myself much longer.” she whispered.

I fled her car. Just grabbing my stuff at my feet and diving out into the snow. I fled from her. I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. I made it as far as the gate in front of the house. I wanted to go in. I really did. I closed my eyes and tried to focus my thoughts…

The cold. The snow falling in the night. I felt and saw it all. I knew it then. If I walked away. I would lose her. I couldn’t do that. I turned back and looked at the car. Still sitting there idling. She was just a dark form inside. My feet carried me back. I don’t remember making the decision. I just remember them carrying me through the snow. I went around the front of the car and pulled the door open.

She looked up at me in shock. Her face was wet from her tears. I had never seen a woman more beautiful in my life. I reached in and took her hand. It was like she floated out of the car and like that she was in my arms. I kissed her like my life depended on it. She clung to me like a lifeboat in freezing water.

“Come inside?” I whispered to her when I finally managed to break away from her lips.

Her head nodded weakly. Her eyes lost all focus and she was breathing fast. “What about your parents?” she asked me breathlessly.

I smiled at her and was suddenly very grateful for those lonely nights… “Not a problem.”

We ran in the snow, hand in hand around the back of the house. I opened the door and let her run up the stairs ahead of me.

My apartment was less an apartment and just a small loft about an old house. It looked like a converted attic that someone had made a studio apartment out of. It was small, but it was mine. She reached the top of the stairs and stopped at the door at the top of the stairs. I had to press her back and reach past her and put my keys in the lock.

Her lips were like a siren’s call to me… I pressed myself up against her and kissed her deeply again. Our tongues mingling. I found her hand and held it tightly. Our kiss broke and I found myself kissing down the side of her neck… her arm was wrapped around me, her breaths came in ragged gasps…

I suddenly wanted her inside. I broke away from kissing her and pushed the door open. It stuck a little but pushed open without too much trouble. Still holding her hand I pulled her in after me… I barely got the door closed before I was kissing her again. I pressed her back against the door and kissed her with every fiber of my being. My hands tangled in hers as I raised her hands above her head and pressed her flat to the wall.

She broke our kiss and offered me her neck again. An offer I took her up on all too eagerly. My breath was hot and shallow. That smell of vanilla crashed over me once again… I traced my kisses up the side of her neck, finally settling into the hollow of her jaw and her ear.

“Stop, stop…” She whispered breathlessly, “I don’t want your parents to catch us like this…”

Her comment made me stop and laugh. I pulled back from her and took a step back. I still held her hands in mine as I looked deep into those green eyes and pulled her deeper into my apartment. I flipped the light to the kitchen, which was on my right, on, bathing the room in light. I smiled at her and said, “It’s just you and me here. I live here alone. This is my house.”

Confusion crossed her face as she tried to wrap her mind around what I had just told her. She looked around dumbly trying to understand. Her eyes once again locked onto mine and I found myself pulled into their depths once again, ‘I could stare into those eyes forever’ I thought to myself…

“How do you live by yourself?” she finally asked me.

I shrugged at her. “It’s complicated. This used to be my mom’s apartment and I took it over when she went to live with her boyfriend.” I stepped back and gestured for her to look around. She took her coat off and looked around, I finally picked up the que that she was looking for a place to put it…

Embarrassed I stepped forward and took it from her. I neatly hung it on a little hook that was next to the front the door. Deciding that the house was too warm I pulled my warmup sweatshirt off and hung it over the top of her coat. ‘Need to put up a few more hooks’ I thought to myself, ‘not really set up for company here…’

I turned back to her and saw her kind of peeking around, curious about my little place but too polite to just make her way around. I waved my hand dumbly, “Go ahead, look around!” I told her.

It hit me then. How shabby this little place was. Three small rooms and a closet for my clothes. I didn’t know everything about her, but I figured considering how nice her car was, she came from money. I was proud of my little house, but she was not going to be impressed with my shabby furniture and my bachelor’s style.

‘At least it’s clean for once…’ I thought to myself dimly.

She stepped forward and looked into my kitchen, a small smile of wonder on her face. She took in the range, the small counter. The old fridge that still had the old style pull open handle that went the way of the dinosaurs when people starting worrying about stupid kids locking themselves in them. She looked over at the old battered Formica table that did double duty as my desk.

She turned and went into the room to the right of the front door, my bathroom. Looking intently at the small walk in shower, the toilet and the sink…

She smiled at me as she went into my front room which doubled as my bedroom. She looked at the twin sized bed I slept in each night. ‘Thank god I made the bed this morning.’ I thought to myself as she walked into the room. She examined the small television on the stand on the opposite side of the room, so I could watch it from the bed. Looked at my big comfy chair…

And then she was down to the details. She took in that I had no pictures on the walls. No family or friends. Not even some little trinket to brighten the room… There was a bookcase made of boards and cinder block bricks but other than that the room was nearly empty. The only other furniture in the room was a little table that I had built out of scrap lumber that held my alarm clock next to my bed.

She went to the bookcase and looked over my books. Most of them salvaged from a used bookstore or a second hand shop. Her fingers tracing along the books as she read along the titles. Mostly fantasy and sci-fi titles.

I looked around the room and realized how pathetic I must seem to her. I looked at my little twin bed. My pitiful little table with the battered, second hand alarm clock. Handed down sheets and blankets. My one tired looking pillow. Not one ounce of personality to the room… it was like a monk’s cell, I finally realized… ‘How was I so proud of all this one minute ago?’ I asked myself.

I noticed then her fingers tracing over the small leather bound book on top of the book shelf. She picked it up and started to open it. I jumped forward and snatched it from her fingers.

She looked up at me in shock…

I fumbled to explain, “My journal… sorry.” I looked at the floor. Ashamed of my little house now. I threw my journal on the bed and started to walk away. Defeated…

She caught my hand and pulled me to face her. Her hands set on each side of my face and she smiled at me, that infectious smile that pulled me in each time. She ran her fingers under my eyes, wiping away tears that weren’t there. “I love it.” She whispered to me. “It’s perfect.”

And with that she kissed my lips so tenderly. I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her into me. Our kiss was less passionate this time. Tender and without the animalistic need our previous kisses had shared. Her arms wrapped around my neck and I thought how lovely it would be… to kiss those lips like this every morning before we headed off to work…

I broke it off and looked at her. “I’m embarrassed.” I confessed to her. I looked around the room and realized how small I was. How pathetic I looked. This girl was high class. She had dated a guy that obviously had money, who most likely spoiled the shit out of her. I couldn’t compete with that. I had no car. I had no beautiful house. I had no family that took care of me and cared about me. Hell, I didn’t even have internet here! ‘No Netflix and chill for you’ I thought sarcastically to myself.

I found myself trying to look at my feet. She stopped my gaze and pulled it back up to meet hers. Her eyes flitted around on my face, as if she was looking for some answer there… “Why are you embarrassed?” she asked me.

I couldn’t explain it to her. How would I tell her I wasn’t good enough for her? How would I tell her that without making her seem like a materialistic bitch? “Look at this place… I was so proud of it and then I look at it through your eyes and I see how pathetic it is.”

Her eyes narrowed, ‘She’s getting angry,’ I thought to myself. She grabbed my chin firmly and made me look at her. “There’s nothing pathetic about this place, or about you. When I look at your home I don’t see anything to be ashamed of. I see a house that a 17 year old kid built for himself. I see your touch in each and every thing here. I see a place that is filled with your sweat and tears. I don’t know of any other kid in our school that could have carved this much of the world out for themselves and manage to keep it.”

She attacked me then. Her urgency pushed me back and I tripped over the bed, landing hard with her on top of me. Her mouth was hot on mine. I felt something hard in my back and realized it was my journal. I really wanted to move it, but her lips had me trapped in a spell…

I wrapped my arms around her and rolled her around putting myself on top of her…

I couldn’t stop kissing her. She turned her head to the left and I worked my kisses down the side of her face and traced my way down the side of her neck. I felt my body drawn between her legs. She wrapped them around my waist and I felt the hard fabric of the denim press against me… I really wished those pants weren’t there.

My hand found her waist, sliding up the smooth skin there and under her shirt. I traced my hands up her sides feeling the muscle and skin there, everything so smooth and warm… my kisses had traced their way down to the hollow of her neck and shoulder and I stopped there kissing and kissing. I was very excited for her, and I let her know it by grinding myself against her every chance I got.

She looked at me then and I pressed her face down, smashing my mouth down on hers and kissing her passionately. Her tongue snaked its way into my mouth again and I could once again taste her the unique taste of Karly…

My hands found their way higher, finally cupping her breasts. She broke our kiss instantly and grabbed my hands. “Whoa there buddy, hold up!”

I stopped, breathless. I didn’t understand. I looked at her in confusion.

She took a deep breath and I could tell she was trying to clear her urges. She wanted me and it felt delicious! “I’m 18. You’re underage… so you’re going to have to wait!”

I turned to my right and looked at the little alarm clock. In bright red numbers it announced…. 12:04.

‘Thank you God!’ I screamed inwardly as I started laughing.

Karly started smiling at me and I was once again struck at how it lit her whole face up… “What?” she finally managed to ask me.

“I’m not underage anymore. I turned 18 four minutes ago!” I had never been so happy to see midnight in my life!

“Seriously?” she asked me.

I just laughed again and nodded my head, confirming that yes, I was serious.

The hungry look smashed back into her eyes then and she tackled me backwards into her being on top of me. My journal was in my back ag