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Paid in Full By Rebecca Page It has been well over two years now and I think the worst part was the loneliness. Oh, I had television to watch and there have been newspapers and books to read but the lack of human companionship was at times almost unbearable. Peggy has been my only visitor and the pain and humiliations that I had suffered at her hands have not always made her welcome company. Well, to be perfectly honest, there have been others who have visited me here but they all worked for Peggy. They only added to my shame and I probably will not tell you about all of them. Your first questions would probably be, "why did you stay? Why not be a man and leave?" I couldn't! The room I was in is approximately twenty feet square and I was wearing a seven-foot chain attached to my right ankle. I could travel to my bed, my chair, the television set and the bathroom. I couldn't even reach the door and if I could it wouldn't help because it was always locked. The room had no windows and calling for help was a waste of time since this large house is located in the center of a 400-acre farm. In the beginning, I honestly did try to conjure up ways to escape but each time Peggy would devise means to punish me. Even my name is no longer Mark Ayers. She broke my spirit and I learned, the hard way, to offer no resistance to her devious plans. I guess you are wondering how I managed to be in such a pathetic situation. To be honest, I must admit that it's partly my own fault even though I do feel that Peggy was somewhat over reacting to a degree. As I look back now, I don't believe that my punishment was her sole motive. It all started in 1990, or maybe a year earlier. It has been rather difficult to keep up with time. Peggy was away at a medical convention and I had closed my law practice for a week. I hardly even knew the girl I was spending the week with. We met in a bar and I invited her out here to the farm for drinks and some swimming. As you probably guessed, we ended up in bed together and she decided to stay for the entire week. As luck would have it, Peggy came home early and caught us together. I should have been suspicious when she showed very little anger. She simply asked the girl to leave and told me that we would discuss my indiscretions in the morning. When the morning came I discovered the damn chain around my ankle and although I tried, I couldn't free myself. Peggy had moved all of her things into the guest room and all of my clothes had been moved somewhere... To goodwill, I learned later. I raised holy hell that first day when I discovered the chain. Peggy stayed extremely calm and refused to argue with me. While pretending to unlock the chain, she gave me a shot in my leg that completely knocked me out. When I awoke I not only had the chain on my leg but my arms were also chained to the bed. My first reaction was anger but after an hour that dissolved into self-pity and by the time Peggy finally entered the room, real fear had developed. She pulled a chair up to my bedside and very serenely explained that what I had done to her was unacceptable. I tried to apologize and promised that it would never happen again. I begged her to release me. "All you men are the same," she started. "You'll promise anything but as long as that thing between your legs is working you'll abuse and take advantage of women. I don't think you're capable of knowing how we feel as women and I am going to teach you a lesson. It may take a long time but when I'm through, you're going to understand how it feels to be a woman." "How can you do that?" "Remember one thing -- I'm not doing this to punish. I'm doing it because I still love you and I want you to reflect upon reality for once in your life. I intend you to see the world through my eyes," she replied. "How long do you plan to keep me here?" I asked. "As long as it takes, which could be quite a while," she said simply. She reached into her medical bag and removed a hypodermic needle and a small vial of clear liquid. She loaded the hypodermic and began to rub alcohol soaked cotton on my arm. "You don't need to give me any more knock-out drops. As you can see, I'm not going anywhere," I moaned. "Oh, this wont make you sleep. This is estrogen. Before you know it, you're going to have so much of this in your system that you may not even be able to remember what you liked about that bimbo I caught you with," she sneered. Before I could raise an objection, she inserted the needle into my arm and emptied the liquid into my vein. I was so shocked that all I could do was stare at the tiny hole that was left in my arm. "As you know, darling, working as a plastic surgeon has brought me in contact with many transsexuals. I have helped many of them become the women they wanted and needed to be," she said putting away her equipment. "I've never met a group of people that respected and appreciated femininity as passionately as these men do." "I'm not a transsexual, I like being a man," I bleated. "Just too bad," she replied, "most of those transsexuals are not men any more but as they go through the change. It has always been such a pleasure for me to watch them cast aside all of their pseudo macho garbage and become soft, feminine, loving creatures. This is about to happen to you so you might as well relax and enjoy the wonderful changes." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. There was no way she could get away with this. My anger was uncontrollable and I screamed at her. I tried to rip the chains from the wall but they didn't give an inch. Every vile macho phrase I could think of was directed at her. I even told her that if I ever got my hands free I would kill her. I was kicking and screaming when she left the room. I pulled at my chains until my wrists were bruised and bleeding. About two hours later, Peggy came back in and gave me a sedative and I slept. The chains on my wrist were arranged so that I had full movement of my arms and I could even sit up in bed. When Peggy wanted to secure her own safety, she would pull tight on one end and take out all the slack. Then my arms were pulled back over my head and I was helpless. For several weeks I lay chained to that bed. Peggy would visit me twice a day, once before she left for work and once when she returned home. Each day she'd give me another of the estrogen shots, help me with the bedpan, wash and feed me. I'd beg her to unlock my hands but she would only say, "not now darling". After the first month, I decided that it was only a matter of time before my law partner got suspicious and came looking for me. She could not call me in sick forever. I had finally decided to remain calm and just wait her out until the day Peggy brought in one of her little helpers. Without a word of warning, this young woman appeared by my bed and began setting up her equipment. Peggy never told me the girl's name she just introduced her someone who would remove all my face and neck hair. There was no way I was going to let that woman near my face so I began to move my face urgently back and forth. That didn't worry Peggy because she just gave me another shot and when I awoke, part of my moustache was gone! The next day Peggy explained when the woman returned that I had a choice. I could behave myself and cooperate or get another shot. Of course I got another shot. The third day I cooperated. Most people can only endure electrolysis for short periods of time because of the pain. However this girl would sometimes work on me for eight hours straight. Each morning, before she left for work, Peggy would give me shots of Novocain in my face to deaden the pain. These usually wore off by midday and I was forced to bear the anguish. My face was swollen to the point that my eyes were almost closed. I don't even remember how many days and then weeks that woman worked on my neck and body. Finally, one day Peggy told me that it was time to take the chains off my arms but that I would have to continue to wear the one on my ankle. She explained that I could grab her and hurt her, perhaps even kill her but she reminded me that she was the only person who knew exactly where I was. "If anything happens to me, then you'll eventually starve to death," she explained. I was so pleased at the prospect of having the use of my hands again that I promised to behave. After she released my hands she rubbed a smelly white cream all over my arms and legs. After about thirty minutes she removed the cream with a wet wash cloth and I was shocked to see that all of my hair came off with the cream. I then realized what the cream was but by then it was too late to complain. I knew that it would grow back. Being able to dispense with that damn bedpan was probably the greatest pleasure of my newly acquired freedom. My first act of liberty was a trip to the bathroom and a long shower. The chain on my leg was just long enough to reach the shower and it did made bathing awkward. I managed and thoroughly enjoyed that shower. On stepping out of the shower, I stopped at the mirror to inspect my face and was truly shocked by what I saw. I looked like I had just gone fifteen rounds with Joe Lewis and lost. My face was extremely red and swollen but Peggy assured me that I would heal in a few days and then my face would be as smooth as a baby's behind. I had my doubts but time did prove her to be correct. I had enjoyed my mustache for over five years and I looked funny without it. However, I had to admit that it might be nice not to have to shave every morning. When I returned to the room, Peggy had changed my bed and laid out what looked like some of her clothes across the end of the bed. "Are you moving back into this room to keep me company?" I asked nodding toward the female clothes. "No," she answered, "these are all for you. I want you dressed in skirts and blouses or a dress during the day and at night you're to sleep in one of these pretty nightdresses." She opened my closet door so that I could see inside. "As you can see, your male clothes have been removed," she pointed at the open cupboard. "I'm sorry that your female wardrobe is not complete but it'll grow. Your drawers are full of bras, panties, hose and slips. You will learn to use them!" I winced. "I'm a little disappointed that you'll not be able to use the pretty panties and hose I got you because you can't get them on over your ankle chain. Everything, for now, must be put on over your head. When you convince me that you can act like a proper lady, maybe the chain can come off." I couldn't believer what I was hearing. This had gone too far and I told her so. "There's no way you can force me to wear these clothes," I replied angrily and then continued, "and, furthermore, you're not giving me any more of those hormone shots. This has gone far enough and I am not going to allow it to go any further. Enough is enough! You've had your fun and you have punished me for my indiscretion, but now it is over. I have a successful law practice and it is time for me to get back to work. Your little games have already probably cost me dozens of new clients and I'm so far behind that it'll take months to catch up." Peggy was standing near the door, just out of the range that my chain would allow me to move. "You don't have a law practice anymore", she said simply. "What are you talking about?" I asked my jaw dropping. She reached into her purse and handed me a folded newspaper clipping. "Read that." I almost fainted when I read the clipping. It was from the obituary section and it was my obituary. According to this, I was dead. I sat on the bed to keep from falling. "Peggy, you are fucking crazy!" I replied and then when I looked at her, "how the hell did you manage this?" "It's not actually very difficult when you work in a hospital," she said handing me another sheet of paper. "Here's a copy of your death certificate. You can keep it if you like because I've got several copies. As you can see in the newspaper article, you were cremated and only close family members were there, meaning just me. Your law partner insisted on having a little memorial service for you but not too many people showed up." "Peggy, this is against the law." I still felt like this was a dream and I would wake-up soon. "Your law partner paid me well for your share of the business. I'll be able to buy you lots of pretty clothes and there is now plenty of money for any operations you might need. Do you want me to help you dress or can you manage by yourself?" "I am not wearing these fucking clothes!" I said livid with anger. "Suit yourself, dear. I'm going to prepare dinner and if you are dressed, you'll eat. If not, you're going to get hungry." I missed dinner that night. I spent the entire next day trying to figure a way to either remove the chain from my ankle or disconnect it from the wall. I had no success. Feeling defeated that evening for dinner I wore a cotton dress in gingham black and white checks. It had a white sailor collar with black piping. Dinner was delayed because I had omitted to put on the padded bra and slip. I soon corrected my mistake and Peggy brought me a very tasty meal. She even joined me and we ate together. The dress did fit nicely and, although I didn't tell Peggy, it was quite comfortable. I can't say exactly when it was that I surrendered so completely to Peggy's efforts to feminize me. I put up what I thought was a good fight, but one-day it just didn't seem to matter any more. Maybe it was the day I first noticed the small lumps that were forming on my chest and realized that other very feminine changes were taking place around my hips and thighs. Most likely, however, it was the night I was visited by Big Al. This is the part of my story that I had planned to leave out but I've decided to tell it so that you can understand just how my spirit was finally broken. One Saturday afternoon, Peggy came into my room to bring me some new bras that she'd just purchased. All of my old bras were padded and she thought that I was ready for non-padded "B" cup. To my surprise, I filled it fairly well. I know that I shouldn't admit this but I felt a certain amount of pride when I saw how good the new bra looked, knowing that those soft curves were all mine. My hair had become very long by this time and all Peggy had ever done to it was brush it and put a clip on one side to pull it back out of my face. "The new bra looks nice," Peggy said, "but we need to do something with your hair. I think you are ready for your first perm?" I don't know why I answered the way I did. Possibly I just wanted to please her or maybe it was the feeling I got when I saw myself in the new bra. I think it shocked her as much as it did me when I said, "okay." By four o'clock the last of the rollers were out. When Peggy brushed my hair into a very feminine style and I looked at myself in the mirror, I could see almost no trace of my old masculine self. I would have never admitted it to her, but I liked it. The way it seemed to bounce when I moved my head sent little chills through my body. "You look lovely," Peggy said. "Just one little finishing touch and it'll be perfect." She picked up something that I thought was some kind of curling iron and moved it to the side of my head. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my earlobe. When I looked toward the mirror I saw that she had pierced my right ear. A small pearl was attached. Maybe it was the pain that brought me back to my senses but I suddenly felt like a fool for allowing her to destroy my manhood. It was like I had been in a daze, infatuated by the image of the new hair-do and suddenly the pain and realization of what was happening brought me back to reality. Without thinking, I hit her with my open hand across her face. She fell backward with a startled look on her face. "Damn you!" She had tears in her eyes. "You were making such good progress and now that macho garbage just had to surface. Look at yourself in the mirror and be honest with yourself. The man is gone and the sooner you let go of the male inside, the easier it's going to be for you. Tonight we get rid of Mr. Macho for good." She turned and walked out, slamming the door behind. I had no notion of what she had in mind for me next and I did feel a little guilty for hitting her but I refused to apologize. I really didn't expect her to bring my dinner because usually when I was bad I didn't eat. Television was dull so around six o'clock I decided to get ready for bed. I put on my raspberry nylon gown with the v-neckline trimmed in lace. I don't know why I chose that one because it was one of my most feminine gowns. For some reason, I just wanted to see how it would look with the new hair do. I was lying across my bed when the door opened. Peggy came in with a huge man that I'd never seen before. It was embarrassing to have a man see me in the sexy gown and feminine hair so I pulled the covers up as high as I could. "Darling, this is Al," Peggy said. "He's the boyfriend of one of my transsexual girls I'm working with and he wants to talk with you." 'Oh no,' I thought. 'She has brought this goon here to beat me up for hitting her.' "She's going to be a real looker, Doc," Al said to Peggy. "As you say if we can eliminate the attitude problem, you're going to have a winner here." "I'll leave you two alone to get better acquainted," Peggy said. She looked at me, smiled and said, "now you be a sweet little girl dear." I was scared stiff when Peggy left and Al walked over to my bed. I pulled the covers even higher, to just under my eyes. I was shaking all over. "What's your name, sweetheart?" Al asked. Doing a poor job of hiding the fear in my voice, I simply said, "Mark." Al gently pulled the covers back ignoring my feeble efforts to hold on to them. I was completely exposed and at that moment I wished so much that I hadn't chosen such a feminine gown. "You look nice sweetheart but that name Mark just doesn't fit. We need to call you something else like ... maybe ... Linda. That's it. We'll call you Linda." He began to gently rub my arm. I wanted to scream my name was Mark and not Linda. "It is a shame to keep a pretty little thing like you chained," he said rubbing my ankle, "so if you're nice to me and I'll see what I can do to get the Doc to take this chain off." A ray of hope perhaps? Would he really help me? What did he mean by being nice? I didn't want to turn down a chance for outside help but I was more afraid right then than I had ever been before in my life. I didn't have to wait long to find out what he meant by 'being nice'. He leaned over and kissed me right on the mouth. I was afraid to struggle too much for fear that he would hurt me and, at the same time, if I didn't, he might think I liked what he was doing so I just went limp. He began to fondle my small breasts as his tongue parted my lips and was thrust deeply into my mouth. The kiss and invasion by his tongue seemed to last forever. I could feel my nipples becoming erect as he gently massaged them between his fingers. His lips moved down to my exposed breasts and he began to suck. I couldn't believe how good it felt and I experienced feelings of guilt for liking it. I don't remember doing it but when he pulled away, my hand was on the back of his head. He then stood up and quickly removed all his clothes. God, was he so big and muscular and I became so afraid of what would happen next that I was trembling all over. I felt so helpless and I pleaded with him to leave me alone. I didn't threaten like a man would, I begged like a girl. Al just patted me on the shoulder and told me to relax and he would be gentle since it was my first time. He sat me on the edge of the bed and sat down beside me. As he began to kiss me again he took my hand and placed it on his penis. With his hand on mine he forced me to move back and forth on his large male shaft. His tongue was deep in my mouth and his other arm was around my shoulders holding me tightly. He then stood in front of me while I still sat on the bed. Very gently, he began to run his fingers through my hair. That pulsating male shaft of his was only inches from my face. He slowly pulled my face forward until the dampness of his penis was touching my lips. I knew what he wanted but I refused to open my mouth. With his left hand firmly behind my head he used his right hand to pinch my nose so I couldn't breath. When I opened my mouth to get a breath he plunged his maleness deep into my throat. With his hands in my hair, he moved my head back and forth. He said, "suck it doesn't it taste good?" I wasn't in a position to agree and he pulled my hair towards him. Each time he would pull it a little harder until finally I was sucking his entire shaft. I thought it would never end but I knew what would happen when it did and I wasn't looking forward to that either. I could feel the heat of his shaft in my mouth and taste the juices of his manhood. I braced myself for the flood that I knew was to come. It never came because he pulled out, kissed me lightly on the lips and laid me on my back. He pushed my gown up around my waist and stood over me looking at my nakedness. "Looks like the estrogen is working real well," he said reaching down and touching my now tiny penis. I stared at him pleading for him to stop. "You need to get the Doc to remove that little clit. It'll only get in your way," he said as he slid a pillow under my fanny. I gulped when I saw what was happening next. "You need to relax, Linda. This might hurt at first but if you're tense it will hurt more." He picked up his pants from the floor and removed a tube of lubricating jelly. After spreading a liberal amount on his penis he rubbed it on my anus. Using his finger he even applied generous amounts up inside me. His finger slid in and out easily without pain. "Please don't do this to me," I pleaded. He only smiled and said, "You'll thank me someday, honey." He mounted me and placed the head of his condom-covered penis against the opening of my anus. He applied gentle pressure and I tried to relax but I couldn't. He pushed harder and I felt my body being penetrated. The pain was excruciating at first but he silenced my cries with kisses. I felt as though my flesh was being ripped apart. He continued a slow rhythmically in and out motion. As the pain decreased slightly, he increased his speed that seemed to keep the pain level constant. Even though I knew that this was the most degrading thing that had ever happened to me, I could feel my nipples growing hard and erect. Al's breathing became fast and heavy. The speed and force of his thrusts increased and I found myself pushing my pelvic up to meet his attacks. I felt the explosion deep inside my body. I could feel his warm male juices as they surged from his body into mine. Al relaxed and I felt the full weight of his body. He kissed me one more time very passionately and this time I found that my tongue was deep inside his mouth. He got up and began to silently dress. I lay on the bed feeling embarrassed and confused. Al walked to the door and stopped. He turned and said, "Linda, do yourself a favor. Forget all of that masculine shit. It is too big a waste because you're all woman and believe me, you'll never be happy in the male role." With that he was gone and I never did see Big Al again. I didn't see Peggy again that night. Sleep was out of the question because my thoughts were in turmoil. Big Al had hurt me, embarrassed me and insulted my masculinity, yet, I had lost control and responded to his lovemaking. There were parts of our encounter that had excited me. Maybe Peggy was right or maybe the estrogen had actually changed me this much. I didn't have the answer and sometime during the early morning I fell asleep. I awoke the next morning with Peggy shaking my shoulder. "How do you feel," she asked seemingly concerned. "Sore," I answered simply feeling my rear. "You look radiant," she said and then she leaned over and kissed me. That was the first time she had shown any affection since all of this began. She served me a delicious breakfast and I didn't realize how hungry I was. We talked in a surprisingly civil manner. She asked me about my evening with Al and to my own amazement I told her the entire story. I even told her about my feelings, doubts and how I had responded to Al's touch. She didn't laugh at me or say I told you so. She listened with an understanding ear. She even checked my rectum to make sure that there was no damage that needed treatment. From that day on, Peggy and I got along beautifully. I offered no resistance to her attempts to feminize me. When she told me to do something, I did it. If she thought I would look better with my ears pierced again, they were pierced. When she decided that I would look good as a blond, I became a blond. Somewhere along the way I began to enjoy my new gender and I found myself looking forward to her next effort to make me a complete female. My chain was removed and having the run of the house helped me enjoy my femininity even more. I kept the house clean and had dinner ready for her when she came home from the hospital. My breasts had developed and I was now wearing a "C" cup bra. The shape of my hips, butt and thighs had changed into pleasant feminine curves. Even in jeans and a sweatshirt, my femininity was not hidden. My hair was now down to my shoulders, I was still blond and I was learning to care for and style it myself. Peggy had been attempting to give me speech therapy. I was making some progress but it was slow. I could raise my pitch and imitate a feminine voice pattern fairly well at times but it was difficult to maintain over long conversations. There were times when I became very discouraged with my efforts. Peggy said that the only thing that was preventing me from leaving the house and having more normal social life was my voice. Being free from my chain was wonderful and the house and grounds were large but after a while it all just seemed like a bigger prison. One evening, Peggy came home excited. "I have the solution to your voice problems," She said. "I've spent the day with Dr. Toby Mayer from California. He's in town for this week doing some work with several of my transsexual girls and he can perform magic with the voice." "Is he a speech therapist?" I asked unsure what she meant. "No, he's a surgeon. There is a new procedure that was developed by physicians in Japan and as far as I know Dr. Mayer is the only person in the US that's doing it. The operation is simple and the results have been sensational." Words like surgeon and operation were frightening. I wasn't at all sure I wanted to pursue this any further and I told Peggy that. Peggy just ignored my protest and continued, "this is not like the old risky operation that required cutting the vocal cords. In this process, cartilage that exists behind the cords is made into elongated tissue and tied to the upper and lower extremities of the vocal cords. This raises the pitch. The operation is done under local anesthesia. The patient selects her pitch by counting aloud while the surgeon tightens or loosens the cartilage until the desired pitch has been obtained. It is virtually risk free and I have scheduled you for tomorrow morning at eight o'clock." That was less than twelve hours away. I didn't know what to do. I wasn't at all sure that I wanted to undergo an operation but I was tired of trying to learn a new speech pattern. Having my ears pierced was one thing but having an irreversible operation in a hospital was rather frightening. That night I was confused and I think Peggy planned it that way. She didn't want me to have a lot of time to think about what was about to happen. Early the next morning, dressed in a simple shirtwaist dress with my hair pulled back in a ponytail, Peggy discretely checked me into the hospital as one of her patients. It was the first time I had been off our property as a female and that was nearly as terrifying as the operation itself. By ten o'clock it was all over. Peggy had assisted Dr. Mayer with the operation because she wanted to learn the procedure. In fact, it was Peggy who decided when the pitch was precise and not me. I was told not to try and talk for the next two weeks while everything healed. This also worked to Peggy's advantage. She knew that I could offer no verbal protest when she suggested that since I was already in the hospital, she would do a little cosmetic reconstruction on my face. "It wont be anything drastic, just make your nose a little smaller and add some pout to your lips, you'll appreciate the difference," she said. The next day I was put to sleep and rolled back into the operating room. I've known Peggy much longer than you have but I'll bet that you have already guessed that Peggy is one lady that gets her way and is head strong about finishing what she starts. I guess I probably knew in the back of my own mind that she couldn't be trusted to make only minor changes to my face. At this point, maybe I wanted the changes. Maybe, subconsciously, I realized that there was no turning back because of all of the extensive changes that had already taken place in my mind and body. Most likely I had acquired a desire for the same end result that Peggy favored. I'm really not sure just what was going through my mind before that day. When I awoke that afternoon in the recovery room, I knew at once that more than just my nose and lips had been altered. The pain was intense and even though my nose was bandaged the major pain was not located in my face. I slid my trembling hand to between my legs and even though I felt bandages, I could tell that there were no male organs beneath those bandages. My balls and penis were gone. I'd finally paid the ultimate price for my indiscretion. I was a total woman now and there would be no turning back. Some who read this might understand what I'm going to say next but others will not. I was pleased! In fact, I felt intoxicated with excitement as I anticipated the new life that lay before me. I've always felt that the hardest parts of being a man were the stupid macho games we had to play. We pretend that we don't feel pain, that we can handle all situations, that tenderness is sissy, that might makes right and most of all, we must pretend that the fact that we are never taught to love is unimportant. I do not have to pretend any more. Peggy and I still live together, although that may not always be the case. She is seeing other men now that her period of mourning is over. It still bothers me a little when I see her and some boyfriend disappear behind her bedroom door, but not much. I am now dating several men and one is getting rather serious. Peggy has introduced me to all of our old friends as her late husband's younger sister. She explains that I moved in with her after Mark's death and we get along so well that I just stayed. I have a job now. Believe it or not, in my old law practice as a legal aide. My ex-partner thinks that I'm Mark's sister and he has been trying get me into his bed since the first week I worked for him and last night he was successful. Who knows -- maybe I will marry him someday. Wouldn't that be ironical -- The law practice that Peggy caused me to lose would be half mine again. The End