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Finally Arrived By Kimberly Rae Anderson Finally, I had escaped from my home to college. My home life was a wreck. My parents stayed together, but I was never sure why. Fighting, arguing and harassing were the daily fare. My Dad was mostly a tyrant, and my Mom would never do much about it except complain. I had spent years trying to figure it all out, then I came to realization that the best thing I could do was leave the situation and focus on my own life. I looked forward to becoming someone who didn't live to "stay out of the way". My Dad didn't like my friends, clothes, hair, hobbies, or anything else. For the most part, I tried not to cause any waves. The only thing I really had to battle with Dad on was my hair. I liked it long, and he thought anything beyond a crewcut was not acceptable. Sometimes I think he allowed me to keep it longer, just so he would have a target to fire at now and then. No matter how much he badgered me on it, I didn't give in. I kept it in a ponytail all the time, and that seemed to help a bit. Through most of high school I had kept around shoulder length. However, my last year at home I refused to get it cut at all, and it grew past my shoulder blades. I counted the days, kept my cool and left home having known that I had won. Now I was out on my own. I found a studio apartment near campus and settled right in. I liked having friends, but I also am the kind of person who liked to be regularly alone, so I didn't get a roommate. It cost a bit more, but money wasn't an issue: My grandmother had set aside a fair-sized trust for me, and I had received a full-tuition scholarship in science. Classes started, and fit right in to the academic life. I liked to learn and study. I found a group of friends from classes and a few others in my building. A girl named Beth and I would study math together about twice a week in the evenings at the library. We had similar personalities and hit it off. After finishing our lab reports one evening, Beth suggested we go get coffee. "It's after nine o'clock. Espresso at this time of night?" I asked. "I'll be up for hours!" "Yeah, me too", she said. "But tomorrow neither of us have class until the afternoon, so no problem." "Okay, I'm with you." With that we walked down to the Wired For Life caf? and both drank down two lattes. We talked about our class loads, music, and general views of the world. We eventually got around the subject of Christmas vacation. I told her I wasn't planning on going home, then got into my reasons. "So, I have a question for you," Beth asked. "Why did you pick your hair as the statement? I mean I think it looks great on you, but why not something else? Like get a tattoo or piercing or something?" I had to think about it for a minute to be able to put it into words. "I guess that having long hair is really important to me. I don't want to look like, or be associated with any macho things. Also, I have always been attracted to hair on people. It's what I see first when I meet someone." She smiled. "That's cool. I think you could do a lot with it. I know a lot of girls who would want to have really nice hair like yours." It was great to have someone compliment me rather than pick on me for my hair. "Can I tell you something that would be just between us?" I was serious. "Sure," Beth quickly answered. "I mean really." I wanted to be certain I could trust her. She looked at me for brief moment. "Yes, Greg, really." "I have often thought about doing something, well... more stylish with it. But there was no way I could do that at home. World War Three would have started, right in the living room." Beth smiled, "How about now? I could help you out. I have two sisters and we spent a lot of time fixing each other up." My heart started to pound a bit. "Um, yeah. That might be cool." Beth stood up and grabbed my hand. "Let's go. I have a plan. We can talk on the way to the store. They are open until midnight, so we have plenty of time. Also, we are wired for the next few hours anyway." This was really exciting for me, in both a good and bad way. I had wanted to do this, but I thought of all the fears, and embarrassments I might have had with actually going through with it. But this was my chance to do it right, with Beth to help out. "Okay, I'm up for it," I replied. As we drove to the store and shopped, we talked about what I would like as well has Beth's ideas. We decided she would trim my hair up a bit, to even it out and remove the splits, plus she would give it a bit more body. My hair was medium brown and fairly straight. She suggested some color ideas, but I decided to wait on that. We made it back to my apartment by midnight, and she started to work on me. We turned on the music and she set everything up on a small table I had just bought the week before. Beth began, "You just relax and enjoy yourself. I know that I will. I won't do any cutting without asking you first." My hair was basically all one length. She straightened it up along the small of my back. When she was done with that, she said, "You should have it layered a bit around your face, then have it progress to around to chest length. I like that style, and it would look great on you. I will make it long enough so that you can tie it back or wear it loose. I actually won't cut a lot of hair off, so it won't be too scary. What do you think?" I figured that this was the most fun I had experienced with my hair, and I might as well keep going. "Okay, just please, nothing too drastic." She layered just the front, showing me that if I put it in a ponytail, it would all still look the same as if it were one length. After she was done, she started to work on the body perm that we had agreed on. Having her wash my hair, treat it and roll it was very exciting. I was tingly all over for the entire time. She finished the whole thing at about two a.m. "I'm worn out! She said. I need to get some sleep." We talked for a little while longer. Finally, she tied my hair back loosely. We left and I drove her to her apartment. "Thanks for doing this for me, you are a great friend," I said. She kissed me on the cheek as I left. When I got back, I was exhausted myself, and I went right to bed, sleeping soundly. When I woke up the next morning, I went into the bathroom to see how my hair had turned out. I undid the band, and gently brushed it out. It was fuller than ever, with a nice wave. I decided to go all out with it, and not tie it back. I brushed it over my shoulders; go dressed and went to go see Beth. When she saw me, she was as excited as I was, but she showed it a lot more. "Oh, wow. You look awesome! Okay, okay, we are skipping classes and going out today. You have to let me finish my work on you!" "Um, what do you have in mind?" "Please, just trust me on this one," she almost begged. "Well, okay." She had really done a good job, and I knew I could trust her. We drove to the large shopping mall, which was about forty-five minutes from school. First we ate, and then she started 'her plan'. Beth said, "Okay. Let's go to the jewelry store first." I had often thought of getting my ears pierced, but decided against it to keep the peace with Dad. Beth was what I needed, someone to help me do what I really wanted to do anyway. By the end of the day, I had two studs in each ear, various sets of earrings, a necklace and bracelet, and some new clothes. We decided that dark turtlenecks and khakis were a good look for me. Also, winter was coming and the weather was getting colder. The next day was Friday, and I really needed to go to class. I decided to tie my hair back and not change my looks to drastically. It made a much fuller ponytail than before. A few people made comments about my change in appearance, but no one acted funny or bugged me about it. As the weeks went on, I continued to modify the way I looked. Once in a while someone would briefly stare at me, but nothing ever came of it. I started wearing my hair loose more often, or when I did keep it back, I started to tie it higher than before. Sometimes I also wore it in a braid. I even tied the crown into a bun one day (I really did get looks for that one). As soon as my ears healed up, I changed from studs to hoops in the first holes. I kept the size to one inch, but I toyed with the idea of going with larger ones. Because of all this, I started to get mistaken for a woman more often. That had occasionally happened with my long hair anyway. I wasn't very large: 5 foot 8 inches and 140 pounds, and didn't have much hair on my face or body. I always kept my face shaved close anyway. I basically had my mother's face, including her smaller nose. My voice was definitely in the lower alto range. During all this Beth became my close friend, kind of like a sister. She encouraged me to try different looks and push the limits of male vs. female dressing. It was not like this was some really wild thing at school, since many people on campus marched their own drum in terms of dress. --- In December my Mom called to ask about when I was coming home for vacation. I told her I wasn't, and that I had made plans with my friends. She was upset, but I knew she understood my reasons. Dad didn't say anything either way. I spent the two weeks alone, since Beth had flown home. I searched the web, relaxed a lot, watched movies, and went to the main city library to hang out and read. My Mom called me on Christmas and we talked for about half an hour, which I appreciated. Beth and I emailed back and forth almost everyday. She was having a nice time with her parents and sisters up in Vancouver, BC. During the time off I did a lot thinking. After about two days, I decided to go all out and dress totally like a woman. I had known I wanted to do this, but I had to convince myself to deliberately take those actions. Once I decided, it seemed like it should have been a simple choice all along. I worked on getting my eyebrows reduced down and more shaped. I experimented a bit with make-up and nail polish as well. I really needed to have Beth around for this, but I gave it a try anyway. While I was at the store to get the beauty supplies, I bought more "hair tools", like a curling iron, brushes, bands, clips, etc. I also went for a nice set of two-inch silver hoops for my ears. To top it off, I bought a handbag to keep everything in. I looked, but didn't buy many clothes - again, I wanted Beth involved. I did splurge for a black leather jacket, since I knew just what I wanted. If my grandmother knew what I had spent some of my college trust money on, I doubt she would have understood it at all! It was the Sunday before classes started up again (on Tuesday) and I had promised to drive to the airport and pick Beth up. It was about an hour and a half to get there, and her plane got in at four in the afternoon. I decided to really dress up for the occasion and surprise her at the gate with the changes in my appearance. I had emailed her that I was going to dress up a bit and take her to dinner in the city. I got up at around ten, ate and started to work. I dressed in a black turtleneck, black jeans and leather clogs. I would add my new jacket when I was ready to go. I brushed my hair out for twenty minutes, which I always enjoyed doing. Then I took the curling iron to it. I kept the setting lower, so I wouldn't do any damage. Spending another thirty minutes produced the results I was looking for: My hair was full, with a nice curl to it from chin level down, and I had it parted on the right side. I carefully tied it back to keep it out of he way while I continued on. I had been using an HCl solution on my face for the past two months so there was barely any hair. Beth had told me about this on our first shopping trip. I had also been pulling hair out, which was a painful, but rewarding process. My skin was smooth and luckily clear. I applied light make-up that was a dark plum tone. I tried to keep it low-key, but I did go for a more bold lipstick. I finished my face off with those prized large hoops I bought. I included a silver necklace, and a few bracelets. I then sat down and painted my nails to match my lips. It was a wonderful feeling, being coordinated with color and style. I put on my jacket, brushed my hair over my shoulders and went to the mirror to decide if I was ready to go out. I was very satisfied with how I looked. I did not want to meet Beth looking like a "biker chic", but as a sharply dressed urban woman. I felt I had made the mark. This was what I had wanted to look like for the past few years, and now I was here. I was looking forward to how I might look in the coming months with Beth's help. I grabbed my handbag, black of course, and keys, and went out to my car. My next door neighbor, Lisa saw me as I walked down the path. She was out stretching before her morning run. Lisa had commented before on my somewhat feminine appearance. She was interested, but not mean or rude about it. She would make nice comments about my hair now and then. She looked me up and down. "Wow, you have gone all the way over. If we weren't here in front of your apartment, I would have not have registered it was you. You definitely have the look today." "I thought I would try it out. I have to meet Beth at the airport, and I wanted to give her a surprise." "Well, I hope you have fun with it." "I think I will," I replied as I opened my car door. As it closed the door she added, "Watch out, the boys are going to be after you..." As I drove to the airport, I noticed that guys would stare at me as we passed. It was not a look of "why do you look like that", which I had experienced before. They were "wanting" me. I wasn't quite sure how to emotionally respond to this. I arrived at the airport an hour early. I wanted to make sure not to miss her arrival. Beth's plane came in to C gates at the far end of the concourse. It was a twenty-minute walk from the front lobby to the gate, so I had plenty of time. After I checked the board and found that her flight was going to be about twenty minutes late, I wandered through the shops. I spent my time looking mostly in the bookstore. I browsed the women's fashion magazines, and some interior decorating ones as well. Beth had shown me pictures in the glamour ones, but I had not bought my own. I picked a couple out to buy, ordered a latte, and went to one of the small tables outside the store. I sat looking at all the made-up images, thinking about which ones I would want to try out at some point. After a nice time of sitting, watching people and dreaming a bit, I left for the gate. I made it through the metal detector with no beeping and was relieved. I really didn't want to have to take jewelry off or anything. I got about twenty feet behind a woman in her mid-twenties and watched her walk. I practiced moving at the same rate, and walking in the same fashion. This was going to take a bit of practice on my part. I found that if I moved a little slower than usual, I felt comfortable. If I moved faster, I naturally went back to my normal masculine motion. I found a single-toilet bathroom with a locking door, which was for handicapped people. I hadn't decided on my plan for bathrooms yet, but I made a mental note to do that later on. The light was a bit dim, but I had a mirror and few moments to myself. I checked my hair, which was still just how I wanted it. It cascaded in soft brown waves over my shoulders, down my back. My makeup seemed fine, even though I wished I had the practice to do a really good job. All I needed to do was slightly touch up my lips. My hoop earrings felt large and dangly, which was a nice sensation. I made it to the gate about ten minutes early. I sat in the chair and waited, but not very patiently now. The plane pulled up, and after about five minutes, people started coming out of the exit. I could see Beth just before she came out if the door. I had moved and was standing back off to the left, because up close the families with kids had huddled around. Beth walked up to within about fifteen feet, scanning the crowd. Then I could tell by her eyes that she recognized me. She smiled and ran the rest of the way over. "Wow. You sure went all out! I love it." She was very enthusiastic. She bent behind my head, turning it and kissing me on the mouth. I happily kissed back. When she pulled away, I noticed a few people staring at us, but Beth seemed oblivious to it. She said, "I was hoping you would want to look like this. And you did it for me! What a nice present." "Yes, I did. I wanted to surprise you with my new look. Obviously you approve." I said quietly. "Oh, I really do. I think you look great." "You look great yourself," I said. She had on a long print skirt, and a gray sweater. Her dark-auburn hair (which was to her shoulder blades, thick and very straight) was wrapped in a braided bun. She smiled, "I was hoping you would notice me. I decided over vacation that I really like being your friend, but I think I like you more than that as well." Her face turned serious. "I hope that's okay." I looked at her and said, "Yes. I was kind of thinking the same thing about you." We held hands, walking toward the baggage claim area. Once we made it out of the airport, we found a small Indian restaurant and had dinner. We were two girlfriends having a night out. We sat and talked for a couple of hours, sometimes holding hands. By the time we had driven back to school it was past midnight, and Beth had fallen asleep in the car. When we got to her apartment, I woke her, helped her in and put her in bed. I lay down next to her and we were both asleep within minutes. --- Beth and I had a good relationship for the rest of the school year: we had become lovers and soulmates. We both had a lot of class work to do, so we kept things low key. I stuck to my boy- girl look for normal days, and dressed up full feminine on weekends. We usually went out somewhere in the city, since there two women showing affection toward each other was not an oddity. Over this time, Beth was a patient and proficient teacher, so I had gotten really good with makeup. My hair had grown to the small of my back, and Beth was working on growing hers out as well. We were both committed to growing it out to waist length. We took vitamins, ate well (vegetarian) and exercised regularly. We had both dropped a bit of weight, and I was down to about 130. I was able to stay away from home all school year, much to my Mom's disappointment. I told her I was working during Spring Break for money and that I had to stay. I had warned her that I was not coming home for summer and staying with the same job. She said she would come visit me, and I was prepared for that. I told her it would be great if she came alone only. We both knew Dad wouldn't come to see me anyway, I just wanted to be clear. School got out, and I had made really good grades all year, with a 3.75 GPA. Beth was going home for a month, and then she was going to Europe for a six weeks on an exchange program. I would miss her a lot, but I knew she would have a great time. Email kept us in touch no matter where we were. Before she left, we went and got a third hole pierced in our left ears. We bought a small set of ruby studs and each wore one to symbolize our relationship. We had decided to move in together for the following school year. We were at each other's places all the time anyway. I also decided that the summer was a time to 'change over' and give up dressing like a guy. I didn't like it much anyway, and I had already pushed all the boundaries of convention. All my close friends knew me well enough to understand me. Beth left her apartment. I moved to the new one-bedroom we found and moved both her and my stuff together. We had decided we did not want to live in plain box, so we picked out colors and designs and put the plan together for our home. I decided to just move in as a woman and not have to explain things to my new neighbors. It wasn't too hard. All I had to do was wear a bit of makeup and larger earrings and no one even noticed. Luckily, Beth and I were really close to the same size, so I had lots of clothes to choose from. I wore skirts (I loved the long ones) often. I had long ago thrown out all my guy's underwear and so forth and had switched. I started wearing a bra when I was out, with some extra padding to help out my shape. It did limit some of my clothing choices, but that was fine. I quit my job at the end of school and started a new one as a woman. Again, it made the transition much easier. Finally, I got my name legally changed. I never liked 'Greg' anyway, and my last name "Porter", was nothing to get excited about. Beth and I looked for a new name for me and finally came up with Kim. Kimberly Rae Anderson had no special meaning. I just liked the sound of it. Mom showed up the first week of July. I decided to not be fully dressed when I picked her up at the airport, but tell her about my new life when we were back at the apartment. The morning I was to pick her up, I was dressed in a gray sweatshirt, jeans and sneakers. I had my hair pulled back loosely at the base of my neck. I kept earrings in, but with smaller ones. When she came down the ramp and saw me, I could see a slight change of expression, but then her smile came back and she was obviously happy to see me. We got her luggage and started to drive back to the apartment. We talked about school, relatives, and her job for a while. Finally, she started to comment on my appearance as I drove. "You have really long hair, even for a girl. Also, its wavy, like it's like you have had a perm." She touched it as she spoke. I always laid it over my right shoulder when I drove to keep it out of the shoulder belt. "It's very pretty hair, but a bit odd on you. Also, I notice you are wearing earrings now. I knew a lot of guys your age are doing it, but you had never talked about them before." I looked over at her and said one word: "Dad." She smiled, "I know, he was a pain to live with." "Was?" I asked immediately. "He left." She said matter-of-factly. She went on to tell me how he had started messing around with a woman at work, and that he took off. He and the woman transferred to the east-coast branch of the company and were three thousand miles away. She finished off with, "I'm actually very glad. He is a terrorist. Let him terrorize someone else for a while. I feel sorry for the woman he left with, but she gets what she gets." I knew it was hard for her, but I was glad to have him gone. She looked at me and continued, "Anyway, I was asking about your hair. It is lovely, but a bit much for a young man, don't you think? Did you get a perm after all?" "Yes, I did. I like the way I look. Can we talk about this after we get home? It would be a lot easier for me then." "Sure," she declared. "You are right, we can talk later when we are both rested." We arrived at the apartment at about four in the afternoon. It was a warm day, but not too hot or humid. Mom made a few positive comments about how nice the apartment looked and took decided to take a nap. Before she went to sleep, I said, "Mom, after you get up, let's talk about my hair, and whatever else you want to, okay?" She agreed. While she slept, I changed into a light blue summer dress. I undid my hair from the ponytail, brushed it out and pulled the crown back into a bun. It was warm and I wanted it off my face. I put larger hoops in my ears, and some nice sandals on that showed my painted toes. I added a touch of makeup, keeping my lips light. I was sitting in the living room painting my nails and listening to music when Mom came out. There was no "who are you?" type of reaction. The changeover wasn't that drastic compared to my normal appearance anymore. She sat on the couch across from my chair. "Honey, I could see at the airport that you had changed. But I can see that this is just more than long hair and earrings." She paused for a moment, then said, "I don't know if I should be upset, shocked, understanding, agreeable. You have me in a tough spot." I waited a minute to talk. I didn't want to give in or make her too upset either. "This is who I am now. I like it. I have been hassled my whole life over who I was, so I left as soon as I could. You can take me or leave me, because I have decided to be me, no matter what. I have been prepared to never go home again, ever." Mom had been through a lot, like me, and she understood more than she could communicate at that moment. "Okay. I don't hate you, and I won't scream at you about this. I am going to take a walk and think things over. I'll be back in a while, okay?" "Sure, I'll wait for you here." I said this trying to be as nice as I could. With that she left and was gone about an hour. She came back looking tired. I asked her, "Do you want to go get something to eat?" "You go out to eat like this?" She looked a little stunned. "Yes," I replied. "I go out like this. I go to class like this. I go to work like this. This is me." I pulled my hair over my left shoulder and held up my hand showing her my painted nails. "Do you have friends? Do you date? Do you like men? Do you sleep with them?" She was getting upset again. "Yes, I have friends who accept me. I am seeing with someone now, her name is Beth. We will move in together when she gets back from summer break." As I said this I showed her a picture of the two of us, dressed similarly in our leather jackets and blue jeans out at the ocean. Mom pushed for more details. "She likes you like this? I mean as a girl?" "Yes she does. She encourages me to be me, and she loves to have me looks this way." Mom sat down. "Okay, okay. This is very confusing, but I will accept it for now. Just tell me why you have chosen to become a girl?" I answered, "Do you want me to be like Dad? I don't want to be like him in any way whatsoever. I am comfortable this way. I like being pretty. I look much more like you anyway, and I want do something with it." I went on to tell her about how Beth and I had met and how I had made the decisions to change my appearance over the past year. "I am planning to drop another 10 pounds to 120, and grow my hair out to my waist, keeping a nice body perm in it. Both Beth and I think that would be the ideal look for me. I have always loved my hair, and I don't mind the time it takes to keep it up when its that long." After listening for to my story, Mom said, "I have just one question then. 'Greg' is not a name for someone who looks like you do. Your middle name 'Norman' is no better. So what have you done about that?" "I changed it six months ago to 'Kimberly Rae Anderson'. I go by Kim here at school, and Beth has even switched over to calling me that." With that statement, Mom began to cry. After she regained her composure, she said, "I've lost my husband, and now I've lost my son. I don't have anything of my old life left. I know it wasn't wonderful, but it was mine. Do I need to totally start over at 45? I don't think I can." We were both worn out and let it go at that. I decided to fix her something to eat at home and let her be alone. Before she went to bed she even gave me a hug. I emailed Beth and went to sleep. The next morning, I decided to get us both out of the house, so that we could be together but not in heavy conversation all day. I had the urge to not dress up to make Mom feel better, but I decided against it. I wanted her to know that I was determined in this. I put on a white sleeveless blouse and a long, red, ethnic- print skirt from India. I picked out matching tan leather sandals and a small purse. I went all out on my hair: I spent forty-five minutes with the curling iron. When I was done, I had a head of soft, brown curls. I use a brush and butterfly barrettes to frame them around my face. I added gold drop earrings; brackets and a cool necklace Beth and I found shopping the resale shops. Mom woke up and eventually came out of the bedroom. When she saw me, she didn't say a word, but just weakly smiled. I told her we had a big day out and that she needed to get ready. By the end of the day, we were having fun together. Mom eventually moved near the school. --- Beth returned from break and we moved in together. Eventually, I went to meet her parents, and it was more difficulty at first, but they finally accepted us. We both made out goal of waist- length hair and 120 pounds - then decided that 130 was fine as long as we could have more chocolate.