First Parable of the Lez Witch
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The Lez Witch Project free porn video
The Lez Witch Project
By Cassandra Anaconda Morrison
It was a Dark and Stormy Night and the Christian Fundies
led by the Reverend Dr. Jerry Foulup had gathered beneath
the cover of rain and the night to plot the destruction of
all that was unchristian. "My brothers," Dr. Foulup said,
pontifically. "It has become increasingly clear to me that
America will not be safe for us to live in while the homos
and the transgenders are permitted to EXIST!"
Ratt Poberson, whose television program The *832 Club" had
HUGE ratings among the rednecks and bigots that seemed to
proliferate throughout the US like maggots in a
particularly rotten corpse, nodded his head. "I'm with you
THERE, Brother Foulup." he said. "We MUST rid our country
of this Devil's Brood!"
The others all nodded enthusiastically. "It is our God-
given Duty!" cried the noted TV evangelist Jamie Swaggy.
"Then we are all agreed?" Asked Foulup.
"We ARE!" they cried in unison.
"But how to begin?" inquired Poberson.
"The target has been chosen!" cried Foulup, his eyes
shining in holy zeal. "Last night I found my granddaughter
looking at one of the websites run by one of these
perverts. A he-she that calls itself Cassandra the Lez
Witch."
"Thou shalt not suffer a Witch to Live!" shouted Poberson.
"Indeed," Foulup nodded. "Brethren, I asked my
granddaughter why she would visit such a satanic website
and do you KNOW what she told me?"
"What?" asked everybody.
"She said that this Lez Witch was the COOLEST and that she
had just been elected co-founder of one of the creative
writing sites to which my granddaughter belonged. The
Wordsmith;s Guild, in fact! Elected UNANIMOUSLY, mind you!"
"They could not have known what this Lez Witch really IS!"
Swaggy cried.
"That's just it!" Foulup exploded. "According to my
granddaughter they DID know... the Lez Witch is shameless
and makes NO effort to hide "her" true nature!"
They all shuddered.
"Where doth this unholy 'daughter' of darkness reside?"
asked Swaggy.
"In the North Woods, just outside of Burkittsville," Foulup
informed him.
"Why... that's not but about 15 miles off!" cried Poberson.
"This devil's child is in our very midst!"
Foulup looked around slowly, then, lowering his voice
conspiratorially, he continued. "It is for this reason," he
said. "That I suggest that no more than three of us are
needed for this business. Tomorrow night, during the dark
of the moon, we shall creep up on this Witch's Cottage, bar
the door and any windows from the outside, and burn the
place down with this Lez Witch inside!"
His eyes focussed first on Poberson and then on Swaggy.
"Are you two with me?" he whispered.
"Burn the Witch!" Swaggy cried.
"Aye, Burn Witch!" echoed Poberson.
And so it was decided.
***
As the next night came... cold and wind-swept (though not
actually raining) the three men entered the North
Woods...their goal, the home of the Lez Witch (see photo in
photos section). Between them they carried two twenty
gallon drums of kerosene which was enough, so they had
theorized, to do the job. Unfortunatly all three men were
in appalling physical condition so their trip through the
woods began to take much longer than they had planned due
to their not infrequent rest stops.
Finally... they abandoned one of the drums, conceding that
that was really overkill and that one would certainly
accomplish their purpose. What they had failed to take into
account, of course, was that their target was not some
terrified New England housewife such as their spiritual
forebears had tortured and murdered with such impunity 309
years earlier (in 1692). Unfortunately for our conspirators
Cassandra really WAS a witch and was well aware of their
plans almost as soon as they had made them thanks to her
many friends in the Unseen Realms.
Not being the vindictive sort, however, she had decided not
to hurt them.
Much.
"Wait!" cried Foulup, halting suddenly and staring off into
the nearly impenetrable blackness where the flashlight
Swaggy carried could not reach.
"What?" cried Poberson.
"I think I heard something!"
"What?"
"I don't know."
There was a slight pause while all three stared off into
the darkness. "We'd better get on," said Swaggy. "The hour
grows late."
"It is later than you think," said a deep growly sort of
voice.
"Quit clowning around!" Foulup barked at the other two.
They both looked at him with ashen faces. "I didn't say
anything," said Poberson.
"Me neither," swore Swaggy.
They looked at each other for a minute. "The Lord will
protect the Righteous!" proclaimed Foulup. "Let's keep
moving ahead in faith, brothers!"
Poberson and Swaggy shrugged, then Swaggy went ahead with
the flashlight while Poberson and Foulup hoisted the drum
of kerosene between them and followed.
***
In the darkness to the left of the path Cassandra winked at
Oscar Flittermouse, her bat. "He's right, you know," she
said, referring to Foulup's proclamation. "It is always
wise, however, to be certain you know who the Righteous
actually ARE."
The bat tittered gleefully. "What now, Mistress?" it asked.
"A little wind, I think," she said, and tuning her face to
the night sky she called out "Hekas! Hekas! Este Bebeloi!
To me, Euroclydon! I have need of thee!"
And the wind began to howl.
***
The Three Conspirators stopped as the wind began lashing
the trees into frenzy. "We must find shelter!" Poberson
cried.
Foulup and Swaggy nodded agreement... the light from
Swaggy's flash darting everywhere in desperate search of
shelter from this unholy wind. Suddenly the light stopped
at a circle of darkness against the hillside on their left.
"What's that?" he cried. "Is it a cave?"
"If the Lord is with us, my brothers," cried Foulup. "It
is! Come ON!"
Abandoning the last container of kerosene they hurried on
until they reached the small cave (for cave, it was) and
staggered inside, breathless and spent.
"My Lord!" cried Poberson. "Have you ever experienced such
a wind?"
The others shook their heads. "Nonetheless, brothers," said
Swaggy. "See how the Lord has provided shelter for his holy
soldiers!"
The others nodded and all three then bowed their heads to
give thanks for the fortunate cave. Just at that moment,
however, a high and altogether deranged voice began to
chant:
This is the Cavern of Lez Witch Cass
Prepare, Defilers, to breathe your last
Scream if you want to...moan and shout
From the Lez Witch Cave no one checks OUT!
And, with a thundering roar, the entrance to the cavern
collapsed in on itself and all access to the outside world
was closed off!
Swaggy sat down and began weeping while the other two fell
to their knees and began to pray for Divine Assistance. As
Swaggy's sobs grew louder the other two exhorted "The Lord"
to remember Daniel in the Lion's Den, Jonah in the belly of
the Whale, and other colorful and equally improbable
episodes in the lives of various Biblical characters.
"I have sinned!" cried Swaggy.
"Again?" asked Foulup.
"Er... no," said Swaggy. "I was referring to the original
one."
"Hmmm."
And again, Poberson and Foulup prayed mightily but all that
happened was that Swaggy's flashlight suddenly went out.
With the advent of darkness the three seemed to lose all
hope and lapsed into silence. It was at this moment that
Gwyngoth, the dwarf, came up from one of the side tunnels
carrying a kerosene lamp.
"Howdy boys," he said, watching with amusement as they
severally thanked the Lord for the return of light.
"Yeah," Gwyngoth said. "I guess you COULD rightly refer to
it as a miracle. This here lamp ain't worked in years...
mostly on account o'none of us in the nether regions havin'
any kerosene handy when suddenly today my brother Siltskull
comes across not one but TWO twenty gallon drums somebody
just left a-settin out there in the woods. Now don't that
beat all?"
"Er... most providential," said Foulup, with a quick
warning glance at Swaggy whose face had a "Confess My Sins"
look all over it.
"Now that's just what I say!" cried Gwyngoth, giving Foulup
a hearty smack on the shoulder, which sent him staggering
across the cave. "But the Lez Witch, now... she has her
doubts."
"Does... ouch! Er... does she?" asked Foulup, rubbing his
sore shoulder.
"Well," said Gwyngoth. "You know how she is... always
thinkin' the worst o'folks. I tell ya, boys, I never met a
more PESSIMISTIC witch than our Cassandra!" and he went off
into gales of laughter.
The three looked at him in surprise and he eventually
choked to a stop. "Now don't tell me none o'you boys
happens to own a thesaurus? Don't y'all know that
'Cassandra' is a synonym for 'pessimist'?"
"Ah," said Foulup. "Most amusing."
"Er, YES... yes it is," Poberson chimed in after a quick
jab in the ribs from Foulup. "Really most amusing, ha ha!
Don't you think so, Jamie?"
Swaggy looked up at them from the floor. "I have sinned,"
he moaned.
"M'yes," said Foulup. "No need to go on about it, my boy!
After all, we all have, you know... thus says the Good
Book!"
"Well, that's true," Swaggy said, brightening up a little.
Foulup turned back to the dwarf. "Look here, Mr. Ah... I
didn't quite catch your name?"
"They call me Gwyngoth," the dwarf replied, because they
did.
"Look here, Mr. Gwyngoth," said Foulup. "We seem to have
become trapped in your lovely cave by a landslide or
something... could you show us the way out?"
"I could," Gwyngoth admitted. "No doubt of that."
"Excellent!" cried Poberson. "We will be forever in your
debt!"
"Hold on," said Gwyngoth. "I said I COULD show you the way
out. I never said I was going to."
"But... er... whyever not?" asked Foulup.
"Because the Lez Witch wants to see you," the dwarf
replied. "This way."
As they trudged down the tunnel behind Gwyngoth the three
evangelists engaged in a heated debate. "And I'm telling
you 'she' knows!" Poberson was insisting. "She has known
all along...how else do you explain that unholy wind that
came out of nowhere?"
"Well, I say there's no way 'she' could have known!" Foulup
responded. "The Creatures of Satan are not privy to the
Councils of the Righteous! You agree with me, don't you,
Jamie?"
Swaggy looked at them with red-rimmed eyes. "We have
SINNED!" he moaned.
Foulup shrugged in disgust and they walked on.
"Boys!" Gwyngoth said suddenly. "I want you to know how
honored you are to be seeing the Lez Witch in person."
"Is that so?" said Foulup, who looked as though he rather
doubted it.
"Certainly," said Gwyngoth. "She don't mix much with folks
as a rule... well... not HUMAN folks anyways. Vampires,
werewolves, banshees, sentient mists, demons, ghosts,
elves, trolls, gnomes, and dwarves... yes... but not
HUMANS."
"I wonder why that is," Poberson said sarcastically. "Is
'she' so hideous to look upon or what?"
"No, she's quite beautiful," the dwarf said, rather
surprised. "She just finds most humans rather dull. With
the exception of the Very Creative Ladies and Gentlemen of
the Wordsmith's Guild she has almost no contact with your
world at all... preferring to spend her time in her
cottage, growing flowers and watching Buffy the Vampire
Slayer."
"What flowers does she grow?" snarled Foulup. "Venus
Flytraps and other carnivorous growths I presume."
"No... roses mostly," Gwyngoth responded. "just recently
she acquired some cuttings of the Madame Agathe Nabonnand
from her friends Charles and Emily Nicholson... not that
you care where the flowers came from, of course... anyway
she was quite happy with those until a wraith of her
acquaintance brought her word that some sorry Sons o'
Jehovah were planning to burn down her cottage with her in
it!"
"Now that is a clear misinterpretation of what we said!"
Foulup declared.
"Oh, I doubt that," a warm and lilting contralto
interjected.
Foulup and the others looked up to find, standing in front
of them a tall green-eyed auburn-haired beauty. She was
dressed in a short denim skirt and dark blue tank top and
seemed to be smiling at them. Her left hand was caressing a
wolf's head while her right was toying with her hair. "I am
Cassandra," she said. "I understand you three have business
with me?"
"Er... well... uh..." Poberson began.
"Never mind!" cried Foulup, his eyes shining with holy zeal
or egomania, or something. "I will tell this Hell's Spawn
why we have come!" here he turned towards the Lez Witch,
shaking his forefinger in her face and began to rant. "By
the word of God such creatures as you are an Abomination
(Deuteronomy 22:5) and our Great Land is in the trouble it
is in both here and abroad because we have been too
tolerant towards your kind. THIS is why the Lord has
removed the Umbrella of Protection from our Land and
allowed us to be attacked on our own soil for the first
time in History!"
"Nonsense," said Cassandra. "We've been attacked before."
"No!" Foulup roared. "Pearl Harbor doesn't count because,
at that time, Hawaii was not YET a state!"
"Actually," the Lez Witch responded. "I was thinking of the
fun we had when the British burned down the Capitol during
the War of 1812. It was a warm August night in 1814,
actually," she continued musingly. "When British
expeditionary forces under the command of Vice Admiral Sir
Alexander Cockburn and Major General Robert Ross set fire
to the unfinished Capitol Building in Washington, D.C. All
the public buildings in the developing city, except the
Patent Office Building, were put to the torch. I've always
wondered why they spared the Patent Office..."
"You talk about it as if you were THERE!" Swaggy spoke up/
"I was," the Lez Witch replied with her gentle smile. "Not
that any of this matters, of course. The point is that you
Christians are getting above yourselves again. Thinking
that you have the right to dictate to others how they
should live... forgetting, in your Spiritual Pride, that
your God has expressly commanded you NOT to judge others.
Very well, time something was done about it. Prisoners at
the bar, have you anything to say before the Court of the
Lez Witch pronounces Judgment?"
"What do you mean... judgment?" said Poberson.
"It's this way," Cassandra replied. "You see, I really HATE
it when people try to murder me. So, obviously, you're
going to have to be taught a lesson. Now let me see...what
punishment best fits the crime? Oh! I know!"
"Now look here, you pervert!" Foulup blustered. "We are
three very important men... if anything should happen to
us..."
But the Lez Witch wasn't listening. She had raised her head
and arms in the Sign of Osiris Risen and she began to
chant: "Oh "Thou Virgin twin-sexed! Thou Secret Seed! Thou
inviolate Wisdom! Abode of the Lunar Light! Ilasa dial
pereta! soba vaupaahe cahisa nanuba zodixalayo dodasihe od
berinuta FAXISA hubaro tasataxa yolasa: soba Iad I Vonupehe
o Uonupehe: aladonu dax ila od toatare! Zodacare od
Zodameranu! Odo cicaleQaa! Zodoreje, lape zodiredo Noco
Mada, hoathahe I A I D A.!"
As she spoke the ancient Enochian words it seemed to the
three that the entire cavern began to spin around
them...faster and faster... and then everything grew hazy
and then---
Blackout!
The Lez Witch still lives in her cottage in the woods not
far from Burkittsville. And there she continues to enjoy
the cultivation of old roses and the viewing of Buffy the
Vampire Slayer on her television. Since the disappearance
of the Three Evangelists no one has bothered her and so she
is as happy as anyone living in the material world ever is.
But it is said that on Samhain Nights Three Women leave a
certain Cave in the Hills and engage in sex with the first
men they encounter... no one knows where these women came
from... all that is known is that their appearance
coincides with the spell Cassandra cast that long ago night
when the wind howled and murder walked abroad. But no one
really believes that she turned those overbearing
evangelists into women... that's impossible.
Isn't it?
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