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F Troop: Panacea By Ron Dow75 [Out West in the Territories, shortly after the Civil War.] Ft. Courage, F Troop: "Inspection!" called out Sergeant Morgan O'Rourke His wavy red hair was graying under his blue Cavalry hat pinned to the side. His blue sleeves were rolled up, showing his red long johns. But it was more than his three yellow chevrons on those sleeves that made all of the men in the barracks snapped to attention. Well, as much to attention as F Troop was capable of doing. "Men!" the young, ever well-groomed brunet captain, smiled as he entered the one door. There was a contrast between their two heights. The sergeant was one of the tallest men around the parts. The captain was among the shortest. The same height as the captain, brunet Corporal Randolph Agarn said, escorting him to the left corner nearest the door, "If the Captain would look over here," Except for his non-regulation yellow hat pinned up in front (to match the yellow neckerchief and stripes that made Army blue a true uniform), he was only trooper besides Dobbs that could pass an inspection. Capt. Wilton Parmenter said, "But I haven't..." Cpl. Agarn said, "Oh, you've been there before," The weathered-faced Sarge reported, "Dozens of times!" The boyish-faced Captain nodded, "True," slightly befuddled. The square-faced Corporal said, "Take a look at this!" presenting with fingers spread what was in the corner. The Captain said of the piece of wood and steel luggage that came up nearly as tall as his 5 ft. 8 in, "It's a trunk." The Corporal smiled at it proudly, "Isn't it something?! We're the first Cavalry unit west of the Platte to have one." Parmenter asked, "We are?" The Sergeant informed him, "As per Regulation 476-Dash- 079!" The Captain asked, "Regulation?" reaching for the little black book he always kept in his breast pocket. "What regulation did you say it was?" Sergeant O'Rourke said, "Surely you've got the new, revised Army Manual?" Parmenter looked to his sergeant, "They changed it again?" Corporal Agarn said, "But the thing is: We're got ourselves a trunk!" admiring it. The Sergeant smiled, "It isn't everyday we can say we are in full compliance, vis-?-vis an army directive." The Captain smiled, proud, now, too. "No. No, it isn't!" O'Rourke asked, "And, so can I say the trunk meets with your approval, Captain?" The Captain beamed, "Yes, Sergeant. It certainly does." Corporal Agarn called, "Inspection complete! At ease every one!" Their captain saluted his men, before allowing himself to be ushered to the door. "Yes. Quiet satisfactory!" === O'Rourke announced, "Okay, you Yahoos: He's gone!" leaning back inside the barracks as he closed the door. The steamer trunk was now open, revealing a pipe coming up from the hole in its bottom. On its top was a faucet. Agarn asked in a way that sounded almost like an order, "Okay! Who will be the first to pay for the water?!" The red mustachioed, and oldest member of F Troop, Private Duffy's rough frontier accent said, "Why do we have to pay?!" Fat Private Vanderbilt said from behind his bottle-lens glasses, "Yeah, we already invested in your speculation scheme!" Cherub-faced Pvt. Blond Dobbs said, "We paid for the pipes!" Below regulation height Pvt. Longfellow said, "And dug the ditches!" Tall and obese Pvt. Hoffenmueller said something unintelligible in German. The always-tired looking Pvt. McTavish said in his burr, "Aye! And all on ourr off-duty time!" Cpl. Agarn yelled, "A-yee-AA!!" going down the line of men, and hitting most with his non-regulation yellow hat, pinned up in the front. After he'd done that, he paused to hold his chest and take a breath after the exertion. Seeing that the men were no longer rebelling, he said, "You'll pay, because the Sarge says you'll pay." "Look!" O'Rourke stared at them, and tried to reason with them as much as any one with three yellow stripes had to reason with his troops. "It's pure, natural mineral water. The Hekawi call it 'Spring-That-Cure-All-Male-Problem'!" The nearly blind as a bat Pvt. Vanderbilt asked, "Really?!" Duffy the bandy-legged 'he-man' asked, "Male? As in... Male?!" Agarn asked, leaning closer to him, "What do you think that's worth?!" Pvt. Dobbs said, "Then I'm not drinking it. I made a promise to my Mama that I would save myself until my wedding day." Vanderbilt said, "Yeah! I'm not drinking it, either! The only male problem we have around here is that there are not enough FE-males!" Hoffenmueller agreed in a long German sentence. O'Rourke said, "Come on! There are other male problems besides that one!" Duffy said, loosing interest himself, "None that matter more!" Vanderbilt asked, suspicious, "Why don't you try some of it?!" Longfellow said, "Yeah..." O'Rourke told them in a no-uncertain tone, "Because I'm the President of O'Rourke Enterprises! I have other's do the testing!" Vanderbilt said, walking away, "I thought so!" Dobbs suggested, "Why don't you have the Vice President of O'Rourke Enterprises do your testing?" Agarn said, "I'm warning you, Dobbs!" putting his finger up into the face of the taller boy-man. Duffy said, "The only reason we get the 'privilege' of having the tap in the barracks was because it was closer to the spring than the NCO Quarters!" Vanderbilt said, "O'Rourke will probably want us to fill the medicine bottles he'll sell all over the Territory!" McTavish said, "Aye! While we'rre off-duty!" The short corporal yelled, "Dobbs!!" grabbing the tall private by the back of his shirt. "This all started with you and your mama!" Dobbs said, "Don't you say anything bad about my mama!" But the soldier that was by far the youngest in the troop was still 'thrown' towards the open trunk, and the water tap. The corporal ordered, "Drink!" Pvt. Dobbs told him, "I don't have any money: I make sure the Captain sends it home to Mama, so's you and the Sarge can't make me buy whiskey, and gamble at your saloon. Those are something else mama didn't want me to do." Agarn threatened, "How would you like me to write a letter to your mama?!" Dobbs cried, "Hahh! What a terrible thing to say!" "Look, Dobbs," the Sarge said, "Seeing as you're the first one, we'll give you a 50% discount. And put it on your tab." Dobbs said, "I told you, I don't have a tab!" Agarn took the bugle that Pvt. Dobbs had slung around his shoulder. Dobbs pleaded, "Don't do anything with Betsy! How am I going to blow reveille? The Captain always likes to hear reveille!" Agarn said, striding over to the trunk, "He's the only one that'd miss your fat lip!" There was agreement among the others. Dobbs' feelings were hurt, "What a mean thing to say. I practice." More than one person said, "We know!" Agarn threatened, "Drink... Or rust!" Pvt. Dobbs told him, "You can't rust brass." Said with an wicked grin, "No: But this is mineral water. There's got to be iron in it," Dobbs scuffed his feet against the dirt floor. "Aw, shoot!" He walked over, his shoulders slumped down in defeat. === The rather lean, rather tall sergeant with his blue hat pinned up at his right side, and his sleeves rolled up, revealing his red long-johns strode out of the barracks, with Agarn keeping up with his shorter legs. Cpl. Agarn reported, "First test is over with: The water tastes like water." "Yeah!" O'Rourke said, frowning. "We're going to have to put something in it to make it taste bad, if we're going to sell it as patent medicine." Cpl. Agarn asked, "Booze?" O'Rourke said, "Dummy! Liquor up the water? We already water down the liquor. No alcohol! The Hekawi already have a hard enough time keeping us supplied with the stuff. If they have to make any more, they will have to take braves off of assembly line making all those other trinkets and 'rare Indian Wars mementos' O'Rourke Enterprises sell." Agarn had an idea, "How about if we tell Wrangler Jane Captain Parmenter likes... I don't know, home-made strawberry syrup!" O'Rourke told him, "There you go again: That would mean that she would have to see him eat her home-made poison." Agarn still liked the idea, "The Captain's polite enough to do it!" O'Rourke still didn't, "Yeah!? But how many times? Besides, the Captain is our meal ticket; what are our chances of getting another patsy like him? Do you remember how many commanders we had to run out of Fort Courage to get one O'Rourke Enterprises could count on? We can't afford to have the Captain get sick from Jane's rotten cooking." Agarn asked, "Then what are we going to do for bad taste?!" O'Rourke said, "I'll think of something!" going into the NCO Quarters. The corporal looked around the compound before entering. "One thing I don't understand, Sarge," he said closing the crude door behind him. O'Rourke said, "Only one thing?" Inside, the bachelor quarters had many of the touches of the homey, comfortable life of, say, Passaic, New Jersey. Agarn asked, "How are we going to make money off of the men, when they can just sneak a drink whenever we're not around?! I mean, we haven't even put a lock on the trunk, yet!" O'Rourke said, "We want them to sneak drinks," lifting up a table lamp, revealing a bottle of genuine 20-year-old Scotch Whiskey. Agarn asked, confused, "We do??" O'Rourke said, picking up the bottle, and putting the lamp back down on the table. "It's the 'Forbidden Fruit Principle'." Agarn asked, "As in Adam and Eve?" O'Rourke said, "How are you going to take over O'Rourke Enterprises after me, if you can't remember what I have been trying to teach you all of these years?!" Randolph Agarn said, his lip starting to tremble, "I'm sorry, Sarge. It's just that... there's so much to learn... I was never good in school... that's why I joined the Army... I'll never be as smart as you..." He was actually beginning to bawl. O'Rourke said, "Yeah, yeah," putting the bottle down on an end table as he moved towards a bookcase. "Go get the cups, and I'll explain." Agarn, wiping his eyes, happily hurried over towards the small cabinet the held the washbasin. O'Rourke said, taking "Dante's Inferno, with Commentary" from the bookcase, "The men don't drink, because they know we want them to drink!" Agarn said, stooping down in front of the cabinet, "We make them drink the watered down booze at our saloon!" O'Rourke said, flipping open the book, "That's different! There we're just giving them the excuse," The door to the cabinet was now open. "Yeah," Agarn paused to think about it, "if we didn't rig the gambling so that they'd think they could win their pay checks back, they'd spend most of it on the booze." Morgan O'Rourke said, "Right!" taking out the genuine Havana cigars from the humidor, and putting the book back. "It's all a matter of human nature. If they thought they could get the water for free, then it wouldn't want it as much." Taking out the China teacups Agarn said, "Why pay for water, when you could pay for booze!" O'Rourke said, "Exactly: Create the demand, first." Agarn giggled as he got up with the cups, "They think they're pulling one over on us!" Morgan O'Rourke took the cigars back towards the end table with the whiskey on it. "Meanwhile, they're testing it for us." Randolph Agarn asked, coming over with the cups, "Do you really think that 'Spring-That-Cure-All-Male-Problem' water really will?!" O'Rourke sat down in his easy chair, and put up his boots on the footstool, "Who cares! As long as it doesn't make them too sick, we'll give them the big snow job, and have them think it works!" Agarn smiled, proud that he'd gotten it, "Demand!" He set the cups down on the end table. But, then, he said, "I don't know... Trying to make a man out of Dobbs." The Sergeant poured himself a shot of whiskey into one of the China cups. "That's why Dobbs had to go first! If we can convince those yahoos that Dobbs has grown some hair on his chest..." Agarn started breaking up, "Maybe we should give some to the Captain." O'Rourke said firmly, "I told you: We want Captain Wilton Parmenter just the way he is," the Sarge said, raising his cup in a toast. === O'Rourke ordered, "Up! Get up, Agarn!" using the corporal's bed to help him put on his boot. Agarn asked, "What?! What is it, Sarge!?!" He told him, "It's past time for reveille! Get up!" Agarn peered out into the still dim room, looking to read the grandmother clock on the wall. "Dobbs maybe a lot of things, but he's conscientious: Just ask his mama." O'Rourke said, "Let's just hope he's not sick: That'd be a fine way to start a new business!" Agarn asked as he rolled to sit up on the edge of his bed, "Would we still want to go into the mineral water business?" O'Rourke answered the dumb question, "Of course! We'd just have to think of a new angle!" === Dressed now, the two hurried out of their quarters, and towards the barracks. Pulling at his arm, Agarn said, "Sarge!" Sarge asked, "What is it?!" Agarn said, "Look! It's Dobbs!" Sure enough, standing at his usual place of reveille beneath the flagpole and beside the cannon, was Dobbs in his uniform, holding his bugle. The two NCOs changed course, and went at the private. "Dobbs! Dobbs!! Why haven't you blown reveille yet?!!" The private said, looking ashamed of himself, "I... did," The Sarge demanded, "Then why didn't we hear it?!" The Corporal reminded the private, "Why didn't the Captain hear it?! You know he can't wake up until he hears reveille!" Pvt. Dobbs said, "But Sarge, Agarn..." O'Rourke ordered, "Don't whine: Blow!" Looking like he might cry, Dobbs put his bugle to his lips, and... O'Rourke demanded, "Can't you blow any harder, Dobbs?!" Dobbs confessed, "It hurts my chest when I do," putting his free hand on it. But it wasn't in the middle; he moved his hands around to cover both sides. Agarn told the lousy musician, "And it sounded like your lip got fatter!" Dobbs said, "They have," thinking that if that happened, he'd never get better at playing. O'Rourke said, "It's just your imagination!" Agarn said, peering up at them, "They do appear to be fuller." The Sarge demanded, "Any other excuses?!" Dobbs said, "Well, there's my, uh... That is. No, Sarge," and Hannibal bent his head low in embarrassment. The Sarge told the young man, "It's probably just the mineral water." Agarn looked at his superior, confused, "You're admitting it?!" O'Rourke said, "Sure! Dobbs's just not use to being healthy! His sunken chest is rising, becoming manly with muscles!" Randolph Agarn said, "Yeah?!" looking down at his own chest. Dobbs tried to bring himself to say something, "But Sarge..." "But nothing!" O'Rourke ordered. "In a couple of days, you're going to have muscles on your muscles; and hair on your chest!" The short corporal said aloud to himself, "Maybe I should start drinking some of that mineral water." The Sarge said, taking away the bugle, "In the meantime, we've got to give your body a chance to adjust." He said, "Here!" bringing the instrument up against the corporal's chest. ("Ouch!" Agarn yelped) "The Corporal will do reveille!" === The Corporal's playing was bad, but it sounded more like reveille than Dobbs's had ever had. The men fell out of their barracks with their blue blouses half-buttoned, mis-buttoned, or un-buttoned, pulling up the britches around their long johns (the fatter ones having trouble buckling their belts), and hopping on one foot as they struggled to get the other boot on. But they all had their hats on. Near-sighted Vanderbilt asked. "Was that really Dobbs?" Duffy told him, "Of course not," Sgt. O'Rourke told the very loose formation, "Men! Private Dobbs has already started showing the first sign of his improving health!" Hannibal Dobbs said, "I feel sick," holding his stomach. Or just below. Cpl. Agarn told them, "See?!" O'Rourke said, "The sudden shock of all that health is too much for the boy! Which one of you will show us how a man takes it?!" Vanderbilt said, "Are you nuts!?!" Hoffenmueller said something to the same effect, only in German. Duffy said in an almost surly manner, "At least at the Alamo, me and Davy Crockett could shoot back at the enemy." O'Rourke told them, "Listen your bunch of ungrateful yahoos..." The Corporal yelled, "A-yee-AAA!!" And the troop came to as close to parade attention as they ever did. Their young captain smiled at them as he saluted, "Morning, Troops," He, at least, was in full and properly fastened uniform. The Sarge and Corporal saluted back, smartly, "Cap'n!" Capt. Parmenter said, "Private Dobbs; I must say your bugle-playing was much better this morning." Dobbs said, "Thank you, Captain," feeling worse than ever. "But it wasn't me." The Captain became concerned, "Oh?" The Sergeant said, saluting his superior, "Begging the Captain's pardon. Dobbs's on a new regime that'll build up his stamina, and increase his lung capacity." Capt. Wilton Parmenter said, "Really?" looking at the young man. Dobbs asked, "It wasn't my idea, Captain." O'Rourke said, "Cap'n, with your permission, we could put the whole post on the regime." The Captain had to think about it, "Well..." Agarn told him, "It will make new men out of them!" Their commander looked at them, concerned, "If you really think it will help." Agarn said, looking at them as well, "It can't put them in any worse shape than they already are." The Captain took out his pocket watch and said, "It's past time. Fire the salute!" The canon was lit. The fuse fizzled. And Agarn had to kick the cannon. The wheel fell off. The cannon fired as it toppled. The ball hit the guard tower. The tower fell. And the soldier manning watch jumped out, tumbling on the ground more or less unhurt. Except for Private Dobbs, it seemed like it would be a day like any other at Ft. Courage. === O'Rourke asked Agarn, "Where are you going with that canteen?" afraid he already knew. Randolph Agarn said, "To the mess hall! If that mineral water is as good as you say it is, I want muscles and hair on my chest, too!" Morgan O'Rourke had to remind him, "That story was just part of the con!" Agarn answered, "But the regime!" O'Rourke told him, "Agarn! I had to change the strategy, because of Dobbs's reaction! Now, we have to get the men to drink it, to show them that Dobbs is just being a hypochondriac." Agarn asked, "A hypo-what?!" O'Rourke told him, "You of all people ought to know what that is! Which is another reason I don't want you touching that stuff. Not until the men get to thinking the water might actually do as it's advertised to do!" Randolph Agarn asked, "But, Sarge! What if it does cause them to be sick?!" O'Rourke said, "It's just mineral water! And the Hekawi use it! Remember what we had to do to get that pipe into that spring without them knowing what we were doing?! There's something about that water they want to keep to themselves! "Besides, if the first reaction is a little belly trouble, F Troop can afford to lay out a few days. The only Indians around are the Hekawi and the Shug!" Agarn cried, "The Shug!" suddenly alarmed. "Sarge! Unlike the chicken Hekawi, the Shug are real warriors!" Morgan O'Rourke was confident, "We bamboozled them with that 'Scourge of the West' legend we created. The Shug don't want to have anything to do with Captain Parmenter, now. They've taken their massacres out of his jurisdiction." Agarn hid his laughter behind his hand. "Captain Parmenter: the Scourge of the West!!" O'Rourke said, "You are mercurial, aren't you, Agarn." Agarn asked, "What?" O'Rourke said, "Never mind! Nothing's going to happen, except a new money-maker for O'Rourke Enterprises." === Two of the men were on stable detail, while Dobbs walked towards the Captain's Quarters with a cloth-covered tray. Duffy asked, "Do you see anything different about Dobbs?" Vanderbilt said, squinting in the wrong direction, "No!" Duffy said, "I've been looking at him..." Vanderbilt said, "You've been looking at another man!?!" He found him by his voice. Duffy told him, "This is the Army, not the Navy. I was just checking to see if that 'male-curing' water was doing anything for the lad." "Is it?" Vanderbilt asked, trying to see. "If anything's going to happen, it's going to happen to him first, isn't it?!" Duffy shook his head, and looked away. "Maybe a service is a service. I think I might talk to the Sarge about that mail-order bride catalog of his." === Dobbs said, "Captain?" knocking on the door before entering. "Captain, I brought you your lunch." The inside, as with the outside, looked much like the house of any gentleman. There was a desk, though, in front of the linen curtains of the living room window. "I'll be right out there, Miss!" Parmenter's voice said from beyond the archway that separated the fort's HQs from the captain's personal lodgings. Hannibal Dobbs said, "Miss?! Begging your pardon, Captain; I know I have a high voice, and all, but-" Dobbs took a step inside, but a foot didn't come down right. He fell forward, trying to keep legs that didn't want to respond smoothly enough under him. He stumbled on, trying to keep the things in the tray from falling out. Wilton Parmenter cried, "Oh, Dobbs!!" coming in just in time. He ran to help his orderly, and tripped over the bearskin rug lying on the carpet. The Private and the Captain were on a collision course. Dobbs was able to lift the tray up and away; Parmenter held onto his semi-turned back. Together they spun... until the captain bumped onto his desk; the private landed on top of the captain's lap. Dobbs was finally able to get the tray under control. Not a thing had been spilled. Dobbs reported, "I saved your lunch, Captain!" Parmenter asked, "Dobbs... have you lost weight? I don't remember you being this light. And your uniforms a mite baggy." Dobbs said, "I do feel like I'm loosing my muscle, rather than putting it on, like the Sarge said is going to happen." His captain said, "Maybe you should eat the lunch. You're feeling... soft!" In came a woman, "Wilton!!" "Oh, hello, Jane," Wilton Parmenter smiled at the pretty blonde in short leather riding boots, brown smooth wool pants with buckskin fringe, loose wool green shirt, buckskin coat with fringe, red bandana and weathered leather Stetson. It hid nothing of her curves. Particularly the form conforming pants. Jane told him, "You thought putting another woman in a uniform would disguise her?!" She was also wearing a black holster with pearl handled colts. Parmenter was confused again, "A woman... Dobbs? I know his voice is high-" Jane said, "Dobbs??" approaching them. Dobbs smiled, shy and embarrassed, "Hello, Miss Jane." Jane said, "I could've sworn..." She closed her eyes, and shook her pretty head, trying to clear her vision. Her hair was down to her shoulders, but also rose on her head. It was this that made her look taller than Wilton. Parmenter asked, "What brings you to the Fort, Jane?" Trying to concentrate, she looked at him and said, "Well, as you know I run the town's general store, telegraph, and... What are you doing with Dobbs?" "Doing..." Wilton asked. It was only then he noticed that he was no longer just holding onto one of his men. He was feeling how soft Hannibal's muscles had become... around the lower abdomen. He cried, "Oh!!" taking his hands off of the private and jumped to his feet; Dobbs was thrust up onto his own feet, and was back to trying to balance the tray, all while his legs no longer wanted to work well again. Parmenter tried to assure her, "It was nothing. Honest! There was an accident, and I was feeling for Dobbs's muscles!" She frowned at him, "I wish you would feel my muscles." And said more softly, "Maybe if I threw myself at you like Dobbs..." Wilton said, "Now, Jane, don't be that way," trying to placate the woman who wanted to trap him into marrying her. "The Sergeant has the men on a new regime that's supposed to make new men out of them. You know, build muscle." She thought about it, glancing at Dobbs, "Well..." (He had regained control of the tray; but now his foot was caught in the open mouth of the bearskin rug.) "Just as long as the Sergeant leaves you alone." And she smiled, softening her tone, "I like you just the way you are." She came nearer; Wilton backed up. "He's not going to put any muscles on that wiry, little body of yours." Wilton was trapped up against his desk, while Jane moved in to feel his wiry muscles. "You can find men with muscles in the West; but how many have the Eastern breeding that you have, Wilton?" Wilton Parmenter squirmed under the attention, "Er, well, uh, I do come from a long line of, uh, West Point, uh, officers, and generals." Dobbs said while, at last, freeing his boot from the rug, "But none of them had himself a field promotion, like the Captain! He's a hero in the War Between the States, back East! The Captain single handedly turned the tide at the Battle of-" Hannibal Dobbs now tripped over the rug's head. He managed to get across the room without spilling the tray. The tray was stopped by Parmenter's body: "Ohw! Ohw!" the Captain cried, standing up, the tray and its contents falling onto the floor (along with Dobbs) in front of him. Jane said, "Well, nothing much could have happened. The coffee's still hot." Then she said aloud, to herself, "I just wish we were, Wilton." === Cleaning up the mess said, while his superior cleaned himself with the towel Jane had brought him. Dobbs said, "I'm terribly sorry, Captain!" Sitting behind his desk to hide the damp spot, now, Parmenter said, "You certainly didn't do it on purpose, Dobbs. I've tripped on that darn rug more than once, myself." Jane said coyly to him, "I like the idea of a bearskin rug." Dobbs said, breaking the silence, "It's that water the Sarge is having us take. It's giving me the cramps." His captain asked, "You're having cramps?" Hannibal Dobbs said, "Yes, sir. Cramps like I never had before." His captain was interested. "Oh..." Dobbs put the last of the things on the tray, and rose with it, "Being in the cavalry and all, I'm use to having sore-" A hitch developed before he had fully straightened up; the contents of the tray were spilled again. Dobbs said, "I'm sorry, Captain!" clearly upset. The Captain asked, "The cramps?" He said, "Yes, sir; right along here," running his now free hand around, from his lower abdomen to his thighs. "Begging your pardon, Ma'am," he said to Miss Jane. The woman said, "If I didn't know better, I'd say..." Parmenter asked, "Say what, Jane?" Jane told him, "Never mind. It's not something that's talked about in mixed company." To Pvt. Dobbs, she said, "I think you should go and see Doctor Day." Dobbs said, "The vet?!" Parmenter had similar feelings, "I don't know, Jane. I don't like the idea of a woman doctor." Jane told them, "Doctor Holly Day is the only physician we have in these parts! The only reason she treats horses, is 'cause you men are too shy to go see her!" Parmenter asserted, "Being shy has nothing to do with it." Wilton, then, became shy, "It's just that it's not proper for a woman you're not married to..." Hannibal Dobbs added, "-Or your Mama!" Wilton looked at Dobbs, "Your Mother?!" Jane cried, "Oh, you men! As long as she can fix you up, what she is shouldn't matter. Look at us women! If there's a reason doctors should be women, that's it!" "What??" both men looked at each other, trying to figure out what she meant. Dobbs said, "I think she's been going to those lectures, Captain," Parmenter asked, "What lectures... Oh! Those lectures!" Captain Parmenter, then, straightened out his army coat, "The women of the Parmenter family have never attended any lectures, I assure you." Wrangler Jane Patterson gave a whine of frustration. === A little while later: The two non-commissioned officers were standing in front of another of the rough log buildings; this one was near a far corner of the fort. Unlike the others, this one had a hasp for a padlock. Agarn asked, looking towards the Captain's Quarters, "Sarge?!" Going over the invoices he held in his hands, O'Rourke said, "Yeah!?!" Agarn asked, "It is against regulations to fall in love with one of your men, right?" O'Rourke told him, "When it's an all men's army!? I don't want to hear that kind of talking coming out of you!" Agarn said, "I was just checking." Then, "Sarge?" He said, "Yeah!?!" again irritated that he, again, had to be distracted. Randolph Agarn asked, "About O'Rourke Enterprises mail- order bride catalog..." Dobbs was within talking range, now, "Sergeant. Agarn." Agarn told him, "I'm warning you, Dobbs!" Putting a hand in front of the Corporal to keep him away from the private, O'Rourke said, "What is it, Dobbs?!" Dobbs said, "You know about doctoring, don't you?" Morgan O'Rourke answered, "Horse doctoring! I am a 23-year cavalryman." Dobbs asked, "Well... Could you take a look at me?" O'Rourke asked, "What's wrong with Doc Holly Day?!" Hannibal Dobbs blushed, "She's a... you know. A she." Agarn couldn't believe his leader, "Sarge!?! Would you go to a woman doc?!" "You bet your life," Morgan O'Rourke quirked a smile. "But I have better things to spend my money on." Dobbs asked, "Well, Sarge?!" Saying, "I think your mineral water is doing awful things to me!" Agarn told the private, "That's libel!" O'Rourke frowned, "You mean 'slander'." He looked around, then took Dobbs by an arm. "Into NCO Club!" he said, pulling him towards the door that the Corporal had opened for them. --- Inside, it was a mini-warehouse full of just about everything that O'Rourke Enterprises sold. O'Rourke told him, "Okay, Dobbs: Up on this packing crate!" Agarn came in, and latched the door after them. "Dobbs! You're a malingerer!" O'Rourke told the young man sitting on a box, "Open your shirt!" Unbuttoning, Dobbs apologized, "I'm sorry, fellas! I don't mean to be!" Agarn continued, "-And you the Captain's orderly, too!" O'Rourke told him, "Unbutton your long johns!" Unbuttoning, Dobbs said, "Now, you're making me feel worse than I already do." Agarn continued, "The Captain's counting on you to set an example. You don't want to disappoint the Captain, do you?!" Dobbs said, "Heavens, no! I'd do anything for that man." Being shy, he'd only undid the top three buttons. Sergeant O'Rourke opened the top of the red long johns. And closed it again. Hannibal Dobbs asked, "What is it, Sarge?! Did you see something?!" even more worried, now. He knew that swelling was a bad sign. Morgan O'Rourke said, "I... saw something. But I couldn't have seen what I thought I saw," shaking head, trying to clear his vision. Carefully, Sgt. O'Rourke opened the top again. He closed it again. He ordered, "Give me some whiskey!" Agarn asked, "Whiskey?!" going for a crate that was already open. Dobbs asked, trying to be brave, "Are you going to operate, Sarge?!" O'Rourke told him, "No! I'm not going to operate!" The Sergeant, this time, just felt the outside of the long johns. "Maybe I should take a look at the mail-order bride catalog." Dobbs said, "Owch! That smarts, Sarge." Agarn said, "Here's the whiskey, Sarge!" handing him a bottle. Taking the bottle, O'Rourke said to him, "Take a look, and tell me what you see!" Agarn looked at the sergeant uncorking the bottle strangely, but did as he was told. Randolph Agarn cried, "Holy Mother McCrea, and all the ships at sea!" Morgan O'Rourke said, "I thought so," taking a big swig from the bottle. Agarn said, "But how... how..." And pointing, "How?!" He'd only seen nipples like about a dozen times. O'Rourke said, "The 'Spring-That-Cure-All-Male-Problem'," finally understanding what that meant. Randolph Agarn asked, "Just how much of the 'Male Problem' is it going to cure?!" O'Rourke said, "I don't know. But there's a place we can go to find out!" Agarn got it: "The Hekawi!" === O'Rourke and Agarn rode into a large clearing in the woods where there was an Indian village of tepees. "How!" O'Rourke said to the fat man with loose, braided hair and two feathers sticking out back from his medallion. He wore close-fitting necklaces of beads and looser ones of animal teeth, gingham shirt, buckskin pants and moccasins. The Indian answered, "Howdy-doo, Sergeant O'Rourke! What brings you here?" O'Rourke told him, "Go get the chief, Crazy Cat." Crazy Cat said, "You can tell me; I am going to be chief one day." Behind him came, "Over my dead body!" Crazy Cat said, "That's the way it's usually done," walking away. But, as Vice Chief, he stayed within hearing distance. The other man said, "What can I do for you, O'Rourke?" The still brunet man was no older and no less fit than the sergeant, and looking every bit the white man's idea of a Plains Indian chief, complete with the war bonnet and a breastplate of beads. (He did, though, wear a gingham shirt, rather than the buckskin.) The President of O'Rourke Enterprises said, "Wild Eagle, tell me about that 'Spring-That-Cure-All-Male-Problem'!" getting down from his horse. Two braves were on hand to take care of the horses. The Vice President in Charge of Production said, "Not that again! I told you, that tribal secret! No outsider may know!" Agarn said, "You can tell us, we're blood-brothers!" Wild Eagle said, unimpressed, "Some blood-brother. You faint from a little cut." Randolph Agarn defended himself, "I can't stand the sight of blood." O'Rourke reminded him, "Don't get so self-righteous, Wild Eagle. You fainted, too." Wild Eagle said, walking away, "(Hmph!) 'Blood-brother'! It has to be a white man idea." O'Rourke told him, "We know the secret, Wild Eagle! One of my men has already, uh... developed... uh -Developed!" Agarn added, "And we have a whole fort of soldiers waiting to re-enter puberty!" O'Rourke said, "Yeah: The wrong one!" The Chief said, "So?!" turning back towards them. "What do you want me to do about it?!" O'Rourke told him, "We want the cure for your cure!" Wild Eagle said, "So would we!" Crazy Cat said, "Not me," Randolph Agarn said, his eyes wide, "You mean..." Wild Eagle admitted, "Now, you know the real secret of the Hekawi." === Captain Parmenter was at the stables with most of F Troop. Dobbs saluted, as he came up to them from behind, "With the Captain's permission!" Spinning around, Parmenter said, "What--?" His legs got caught on his long cavalry sword, and he had to continue spinning, trying to step out of the swords way, to keep from falling. Finally able to stand up straight (and almost be in the direction he'd wanted to be in), he said, "Dobbs, it's you! You really ought to do something about that condition. Your sound like a, well," the Captain looked at the men around him (where they staring at Dobbs?), and changed the subject, "Anyway, mount up. We're off to investigate those robberies Jane told us about." Dobbs asked, "Can't I stay here, Captain?! I really don't think I should be out in public." His captain said, "We're going to the wilderness. That's where a gang of outlaws is stealing the shipments to the general store. Didn't you hear what Jane said?" Dobbs said, "No, sir. I'm afraid I was listening to something else. Please, Captain. I can stay here, and watch the fort for you!" Captain Parmenter said, "But you're the bugler! What's a cavalry unity without a bugler?" Dobbs complained, "My lips have gotten thicker, and my lungs have gotten smaller." Captain Parmenter said, "Really?" a bit confused. "They look bigger to me." Hannibal Dobbs wanted to cry, "Oh-oo, Captain!" Wilton Parmenter said, "Okay! Okay!" holding up his hands, not wanting to see a grown man cry. "Wake McTavish up, and tell him you're his replacement." Dobbs said, "Thank you, Captain," relieved but not happier. As Dobbs left, Capt. Parmenter noticed that not only was the uniform wrinkled, it fit him in strange ways. Dobbs had always been conscientious about his appearance. Maybe he just put on somebody else's uniform. That would explain why he looked shorter than usual. Capt. Wilton Parmenter shook it out of his head. Turning back to his troops, he said, "We'll stop by the Hekawi camp, and pick up-" That's when he finally tripped over his sword and fell into the straw. === Sitting with the two of them on logs in front of the campfire outside the chief's tepee (with Crazy Cat standing by), Randolph Agarn was looked at Indian squaws in their very short short buckskin dresses; he'd had more than one dream with them in it. "Are you trying to tell me that they are..." Wild Eagle said to him, "Not any more," Crazy Cat smiled, looking at their female forms, "Aren't they beautiful." O'Rourke frowned, and asked, "Just how 'not any more' are they?!" Wild Eagle said, "You see papooses." Randolph Agarn exclaimed, "That 'not any more'!!?!" O'Rourke did see the babies; and by taking a quick count, "I don't see all that many papooses." Agarn said, "Would you want to have papooses?!" stating what he thought was obvious. O'Rourke told the slow corporal, "That's not how things work, Agarn. The options for birth control are quiet limited out here in the West." The slow Corporal asked, "'Birth control'?? Is that possible?" His superior answered, "You'd know, if you had drank some of that water like you wanted to!" Randolph Agarn finally caught up, "I, I, all, almost, most..." He fell face forward off of the log. "You know..." Crazy Cat said, "On him it might look good." O'Rourke pushed Agarn further away from the low fire with a foot, "So, that's why the Hekawi are a dying tribe." The Chief said, "It true. The problem is not with them. Before we just never had to be interested." Crazy Cat said, "It doesn't help that they're nags," as he was entering the tepee. The Sergeant wanted to know, "Nags?!" Wild Eagle said, "You heard me talk about my wife!" He put a hand to his head, "Ohw! That woman could give bats earaches!" Crazy Cat said, "She used to be the chief," returning. Wild Eagle told O'Rourke, "They think just because they were once men, they can still tell us how to run things." Morgan O'Rourke looked again at the women around him, "Oh... So, that's the reason for the... abbreviated buckskins. A little lesson in-" Splash! "Crazy Cat!!" Morgan yelled, jumping to his feet. The fat Indian was standing over his partner with a water basket. Wild Eagle said, "Not to worry! Do you think somebody can just change into a woman by having water splashed on them?!" === Marching guard duty along the parapet eight feet above the ground, Private Duffy looked out into the wilderness side of the fort. "It feels like it did just before the battle at the Alamo. I remember that feeling, well: There I was with Ol' Davy Crockett..." But his audience wasn't there at the corner to report what he'd seen from his tour of the fort's palisade. The only other person in the compound had disappeared! === He found him in the barracks. Frowning he asked, "Dobbs! What are you doing in here?" The man who looked very good in the rear and thighs straightened up from in front of the trunk, "It's an old remedy, Duffy. You know, the 'hair of the dog'?" Duffy reminded the teetotaler, "That's for booze." Dobbs put his canteen up to his full lips, "It goes for other poisons, too." Duffy now noted the swelling of the chest. === Randolph Agarn cried in alarm, "What??! I'm wet?!!" O'Rourke told him, "And that's all that you are! Now, get up, and stop acting like a woman!" Wild Eagle warned, "Watch what you saying!" O'Rourke said, "Er, sorry, Chief." A little nostalgic, Wild Eagle said, "Before spring water, Hekawi like other tribes. Our braves, brave." Agarn patted himself to make sure he was all right, "Now your braves are squaws." O'Rourke said, "More to the point, their squaws aren't braves." Irritated, Wild Eagle tried to said to him, "You try being woman and see what brave is!" O'Rourke declined, "No, thank you!" The Chief explained, "We were squaws all our lives. We let braves play their war games. Somebody had do important work. Gather food... Bring water... Make clothes... Weave basket... Raise papooses!" O'Rourke nodded, "I see now why you were so ready to go into business with O'Rourke Enterprises." Wild Eagle said, "Squaws have different way of seeing things. Why fight?" Randolph Agarn said, eying a particularly lovely Indian woman who was eying him back as she passed him, "These squaws don't look like they'd put up much of a fight." Wild Eagle shook his head, "Why you think it not called 'Spring-That-Solve-All-Female-Problem'?" Agarn's eyes became even wider, "You mean!!?!..." O'Rourke rubbed his chin, "That's very interesting...." A lone Calvary officer galloped into camp, "Sergeant O'Rourke! Corporal Agarn! There's been trouble!" === The three ranking men of Fort Courage rode to a familiar outcropping of boulders. There was just enough space between them to take the horses. There they found the rest of F Troop lying on the ground, obviously not feeling well. When he saw them, Vanderbilt was able to roll over on his fat belly, "There they are! There are the saboteurs!" Capt. Parmenter said, "No, you're mistaken, Private Vanderbilt! We're here to help you!" Longfellow said, "We wouldn't need help, if it hadn't been for them!" McTavish burred, holding his stomach, "Aye! It'd been better if 'n we had rotgut than that spring water!" Capt. Parmenter said to the sergeant as he tried to understand, "We didn't stop at any watering hole." O'Rourke said to the captain, "Begging your pardon, sir, but I believe they are referring to mineral water we replaced their usual source with." Hoffenmueller said something in German. Agarn said, "Yeah, Sarge! Are you sure you want to admit it?" The Sarge said, "It's like I was telling the Captain, the last time you asked that question. The men are just not used to being healthy. But I've got the remedy right here in my saddlebags." And he got down from his horse. Vanderbilt cried, "I'm not going to drink any more of your polluted water!" Longfellow groaned, "I'm not going to touch water ever again!" The sergeant said, opening his saddlebag, "I'm not asking you!" Vanderbilt told him, "And you can't order us to!" The dismounted Agarn told him back, "Do you want to be shot for insubordination!?!" O'Rourke told his corporal, "The men are right. We can't order them to drink whiskey," he pulled out a bottle for each hand. Captain Parmenter cried, "These men can't drink! They're on duty!" Sgt. O'Rourke told him, "The rule book says alcohol can be applied for medicinal purposes. As a temperance man, you know that water is better than liquor. Well, if water made the men sick, what would be better?" Capt. Parmenter reached for his rulebook, "Are you sure?" O'Rourke took a different tact, "Do you have anything better as a pain-killer?" Parmenter thought about it, "Well, they've discovered morphine and other opiates..." as he pulled out his little black book. O'Rourke told him, "Which we don't have! We do have whiskey!" Vanderbilt rolled off his fat stomach, "Forget it! I'd rather die!" McTavish said, "Me, too!" reaching out for a bottle. Some others also opted for a quick end. O'Rourke said, "Agarn! Go get the bottles I put in your saddle bags!" Parmenter finally had to ask, "Where did you get the alcohol, Sergeant? It had better not have been from the Hekawi. You know Indians are not permitted to have firewater." Agarn said, without thinking, "Sarge, what are these other Indian things doing in here with the red-eye?" === Private Duffy said, "When I was at the Alamo, I never thought I'd ever be fighting this!" retreating out of the barracks with his rifle. The woman who still looked enough like Dobbs (or was it the other way around?) to give Duffy the bejeebies came out after him, "Duffy... Duffy! I'm so warm... so hot..." He had his blue army blouse and long john s unbuttoned and pulled off his shoulders, revealing as much as any lady of the day. And there was no doubt what was almost revealed. Hiding behind the cannon, Duffy told him, "If you've got a fever, you should be in bed!" Dobbs said in a voice that stirred the rugged, mustachioed man, "Someone sick shouldn't be left alone." And his voice took even a more disturbing lilt, "And you're the only one here." Duffy tried to remember his long neglected faith, "Dear Lord, help me. It's been too long." Dobbs' hips became looser as he approached the man. "I'm not contagious. You won't catch any thing from me..." There was room enough for them to wiggle, now, too in the now baggy pants. Retreating to the back of the cannon, Duffy told the other young blond, "I never worried about catching anything before." No, he was trying to remind himself this was Dobbs, fellow soldier. Of course, women were not allowed in the Army... As if not enough of his soft, shapely body was showing, Dobbs undid more buttons. Duffy said, "Dobbs! What would your mama say!?!" That got through his fevered state. "Mama?" Suddenly Dobbs screamed, and brought the open sides of his blouse together tight across his large chests. He fell to his knees and wept. "I'm so ashamed! What will Mama say? She raised me to be better 'n this!" The chivalrous side of the cavalryman came out, "It's not your fault, er, Dobbs. It's the fever. Why, I've seen it turn strong men into weak women-" Dobbs turned his still bare shoulder to him, "Don't touch me!" Duffy did touch him, though. And found the soft man did feel warm. But it wasn't the heat of a fever. "Lord, remind me again not to take advantaged of the sick." Wrangler Jane ordered, "Take your hands off that camp follower!!" Duffy said, "Lord, you could've let me be tempted a little while longer?" === O'Rourke provided an explanation to his superior, "The Hekawi were saving the booze for us, Captain. They came across the bandits robbing the shipments for the town and chased them off!" Captain Parmenter was impressed, "I knew the Hekawi were a small tribe of mighty warriors, but I didn't think even they were a match for the Shug." O'Rourke cried, "The Shug!!? What do they have to with the robberies?!" Capt. Parmenter informed him, "We came upon the evidence, in a canyon not far from here. They pushed the wagons over the edge and left them there. Flaming arrows then set fire to them." O'Rourke nodded, "Yeah, that doesn't sound like what white men would do. I take it you found Shug arrows?" Capt. Parmenter nodded, "Right. Now the reports make sense. One of the witnesses said his attacker said something about 'No need for Boston Tea'." Sgt. O'Rourke got it, "So, instead of white men dressed up as Indians...." Randolph Agarn asked, "What about a white man dressed up like a squaw?" coming from behind a boulder. He was dressed in a buckskin dress that was longer than the ones that the former squaws of the Hekawi kept their present squaws in, but it still had the fringes and beads. Agarn was even wore a braided wig with a beaded headband. But instead of brunet, the horse had been a palomino. Agarn's 'hair' was now blond. O'Rourke offered, "If you're worried about how you look-" Agarn put up his hands, "No you don't! I'm an officer just like you! You can order me out of uniform, but you can't break me without a court-martial." Capt. Parmenter looked at his man out of uniform, "What is this, Sergeant?!" O'Rourke said to him, "It's part of a plan I thought up in case we ran into the Shug. Only, I didn't know how good a plan it was until you told me that they were around." Then he said to character he always called on to play different roles, "Agarn, did you lay out the stuff from my saddle bag?" Randolph Agarn, even more unhappy in a dress after knowing what he knew now, "Yes, Sarge. But why couldn't you be the girl?!" O'Rourke told him, "I'm too tall. You... you're just the right height to save our necks." === Having forced the runty frontier veteran Duffy into retreat, Wrangler Jane confronted the woman in Dobbs's uniform. "I thought so! What story did you tell my Wilton?! And it'd better not be anything that involves kissing!" Her hand went to a hip, near one of the pearl handles. Hanging his head so he didn't have to look at her, Dobbs said, "Honest, Miss Jane, it is me, Dobbs," as he was buttoning up his blue blouse. That did not satisfy the busty woman in dirty buckskin, "Dobbs's sister, maybe. And from that accent, clearly Southern! Are you still fighting the Civil War!?!" Hannibal Dobbs was hurt that his, or his family's loyalties would be questioned, "I fought for the Union in the War Between the States! I came from a border state, but Mama came from the North. I always do what my mama tells me to." Wrangler Jane said, "You certainly sound like his sister all right." The red haired Duffy regained his nerve to tell her, "That is Dobbs, Ma'am! I know he doesn't look like it now, but he did. Right before you came. There," he pointed to the barrack. "I saw him change myself." Jane was not thrown off balance, "And I'm going to believe that?" Dobbs told her, "It's true, Miss Jane! It's that devil's water the Sarge brought into the barrack! It gives you a sinful body so you can have the most sinful of feelings!" Then he apologized, "No offense, Ma'am." Wrangler Jane was still skeptical, "Let me see this 'devil's water'!" And she strode to the barrack! Pvt. Duffy told her, "No women allowed in the barrack!" Dobbs began to cry. === Agarn, still in his blond hair and squaw outfit protested again to those that could still listen behind the boulders, "Why can't somebody else do this!?! It's not like there's not going to be plenty of candidates!" O'Rourke told him, "Going to be! I didn't know how long the change of life was going to take, and we need somebody to distract the Shug right now, while it's going on. "Besides, if the water works as well on the troops as it did on the Hekawi, the superstitious warriors might not think they were once men. You, they can believe as a feminized man." Randolph Agarn hiked up his skirt, and said, "Thanks. That makes me feel better." And he walked out into the middle of the road leading past the outcropping of boulders. He looked up and down it. It was empty, of course. "It would ask for too big of a coincidence." So, there being nothing else he could think of doing, he scratched out a rough circle with the toe of his beaded moccasin. Putting his back to the sun, he studied his shadow. Then he scratched four lines through the circle. Capt. Parmenter whispered, "What is Cpl. Agarn doing, Sergeant?" Sgt. O'Rourke, a genuine Indian expert from his years in the service out West told him, "The Indians have ceremonies and dances for just about everything. I think that Agarn is going to-" Agarn began his dance, kicking out a stiff leg, while kicking up the heel of his other. His elbows went out and in as he twisted his hips this way then that. He went in one direction, then back, for no obvious reason. O'Rourke reported, "He is! He is doing the Indian mating dance, the Hekawi variation. Very powerful to those who subscribe to its medicine man magic." Agarn's movements were becoming even more loose and erratic. Parmenter asked, "And do the Shug believe in that kind of magic?" O'Rourke said, "We'll soon find out." Parmenter said, "If the Corporal's stamina can hold out." === Private Duffy ran to the nearest stable outside of the fort's gate, "Doc!! Doc Day!! We have an emergency!!" Veterinarian and B. of S., Holly Day looked around from the wrong end of a roan, "The troops must be out for you to call on me to tend one of your own." The pretty, fit, but fairly large brunet was in a full-length gingham dress with plain, and stained, canvas apron. Most people could think she was just a housewife, if weren't for the boots. Duffy put in end to the idea, "It's not a horse! It's Wrangler Jane! She's going to drink some tainted water! You've got to come quick!" Doc Day cried, "Jane!?!" rushing out from behind her patient, wiping her hands. Duffy had to wait while the vet got her little black back and little blue bonnet. "You're the only one who can maybe talk some sense into her! She won't listen to the likes of me. You know how stubborn women can be!" Tying her bonnet, Holly Day said, "Not stubborn enough, or I'd have a PhD," as she followed the man. === Cpl. Randolph Agarn had definitely run out of stamina. He was bent over holding his bare knees, saying to himself, "I should have know it wouldn't work. It never worked when I danced with them at the Hekawi camp." Then he straightened up, wondering, "If you become so hot to turkey trot when you're a woman, why didn't they come running when I moved my feet? I think I'm offended." And he turned to call back to the boulders, "Hey, Sarge!!" He was told, "Quiet, you dope! I can see them coming with my binoculars!" Randolph Agarn looked down at his magic feet, "It worked!?" Then he looked down the road. Within a cloud of dust were about 20 riders dressed as territory white men on Indian ponies. "Maybe I should've asked myself why I danced my heart out for these guys." They rode bareback, without reigns; and there were other ways they held themselves that suggested they weren't what they were dressed up to be. Swallowing as best he could, Agarn went into his act: Rushing forward, he cried, "I'm saved!! I'm saved! You men have got to help me! Rescue me!" Seeing what they thought at first was a lone squaw, they whooped, and had their mounts race forward. Agarn 'pleaded' with them, as they circled him still galloping, grinning and laughing, "I'm not really a squaw! See?!" he pulled (but not too hard) on his blond braids. "I'm not even really a woman! I'm a man-Just like you guys! I only look this way because of..." Agarn looked to the boulders, hoping to see, "Him!!" pointing with an outstretched hand. Making his entrance out a cheap magician's trick of a puff of smoke came O'Rourke. Over his uniform were the emblems of the Hekawi's last medicine man, Roaring Chicken. With all the resonance he had, O'Rourke commanded, "Be gone from this land! Or I shall turn all of you into squaws as well!" Adding to the theatrics were the ghostly moans and groans of F Troop behind the boulders. The ponies and Shug was startled enough to have stopped their merry-go-round ride around Agarn. Their leader, or the only one who knew enough of the white man's tongue to speak said, "You no medicine man! You yellow-leg, long- knife!" The man with the yellow stripe down the sides of his pants but without a sword said to the young thug, "That's right! I am a cavalryman-Out of Fort Courage!" There was a murmur from the Indian braves behind their sub- chief. One of them could be heard to mention, "Scourge of West!" But before their spokesman could rally his warriors, O'Rourke announced, "I am also an honorary Hekawi! Blood brother to Chief Wild Eagle!" The murmurs told him that the others understood "Hekawi" and "Wild Eagle". Then he waved the medicine man's rattle at them, "They trusted me with their secret! Roaring Chicken is dead! The spirits have chosen me to be the new medicine man!!" The young tough was a mite spooked. But he wouldn't be for long. Agarn rushed up to him, "No, don't let him have me!! I don't want to be a squaw-You can have me! I'm still a virgin!!" As he grabbed for the war leader's thigh, the young man screamed in terror. Agarn barely escaped from being clubbed by butt of the Indian's repeating rifle. O'Rourke started chanting and waving the rattle about, "Mumbo jumbo, okra gumbo! Tumble bumblebee-o! Crumble humble pie-o!" The band of twenty braves panicked, and galloped at full haste up the road in the direction they'd come from. Thoroughly confused, their leader was the last to leave. But he soon had caught up, and passed them. Randolph Agarn cried, "It worked!!" staring at the denser cloud of dust. Stepping down from his stage on a rock, the Sarge told him, "Of course it did! The Shug know all about the Hekawi braves becoming women. Why do you think they left the lily- livered tribe alone?" Agarn asked, "But will that trick work for us?" Smiling confidently, O'Rourke took off the headdress, "I told the Chief to leave a wagon of watered down firewater where they could find them. I doubt we'll have any more trouble from the Shug." Captain Parmenter called out with alarm, and even the start of outrage, "Sergeant!! Corporal!! Come here!!" Agarn said, "The Captain, on the other hand...." === In the town's only saloon, now renamed the "Panacea, Good for What Ails You": Pudgy, bespectacled Pete the bartender told his boss, "It looks like we've got a good crowd again, O'Rourke." The man still in his Army uniform surveyed the over half full lower floor, "And it's still early. Wait until those with a wife and kids can sneak out of the house." Sitting at one of the poker tables was a very pleasingly plump brunette in a very tight green-with-black-ribbed silk corset, trimmed with black lace that hid nothing of her deep cleavage. Those that looked, and there were a lot of them, could see all of her legs. The black drapery-like skirt hid only the frilly unmentionables. They were encased in silk stocking. And for those with a foot fetish, her ankles were turned by a very stylish pair of five-inch button-up velvet shoes. But that was not what brought O'Rourke's attention to her. The squinty-eyed girl asked, "Is that a five or a six?" and held out her cards for the man sitting next to her could see them. But she leaned so close to him the cowboy had a hard time concentrating on the cards. O'Rourke said to Pete, "I hope Vanderbilt is kidding. Even somebody as astigmatic as her should be able to read pips." Wiping the glass schooners with a bar towel, Pete nodded in her direction, "Don't complain. She brings in more from the tables than all the girls. She doesn't have to see the effect she has on the men." The owner of the saloon and game emporium said, "Well, just make sure she always has at least two non-friendly types playing. That's her blind spot." Pete nodded, "Right, Boss." Walking carefully in yellow velvet button-up heels came a beautiful blonde with a tray. "Three shots of whiskey and a beer." O'Rourke told Pete, "Belay that order! Make that three beers and three whiskeys! There'll be no sharing beers in here!" The painted blonde said, "You're a terrible man, you know that, Sarge?" O'Rourke said, "So you tell me everyday, Dobbs." Seeing, again, the man had no conscience, the girl with the very long, swan-like neck lamented, "Alcohol, gambling, and women. What would Mama say if she could knew I was working in as a saloon girl?" O'Rourke told her, "She won't have to say anything. As long as you do your job." Her hand down on her silk stocking, the top of the tray up under her amble bust, she said, "Yes, Sergeant," her head bowed. The Sarge told her, "Now, don't cry. Your mascara will run." Dobbs got the order of beers and red-eye, and headed back with them. The floor manager, classier than "bouncer", watched Dobbs' arse, barely covered by the black little 'skirt', wiggle by with her tray of whiskeys and beers. He was dressed like Pete, but without the apron. His hair was slicked and his mustache was waxed. He reported to the Sergeant, "McTavish is asleep on the job again." O'Rourke told Duffy, "Well find her a customer and send her upstairs. That ought to be the perfect job for her." There came a hearty laugh from the craps table. The zaftig brunette in the black corset had a very peasant face but also had a massive pair of breasts. To the mountain man doing a routine with the dice, she answered in a long German sentence. O'Rourke told Duffy, "But first, go rescue Hoffenmueller before she says 'ja' to something without knowing she is." Inside the swinging front doors stopped a tall, handsome blond man in wool and buckskin was telling the lovely brunet in modestly attired in petticoats and a tan, ankle- length crinoline dress, little pink sashay purse, bonnet and parasol, "You know proper ladies don't go into saloons." The woman answered, "Yes, dear." And as if to emphasize why, the man had move the delicate looking lady out of the way of a large uncouth type who come in to the doors with just a middle. That done, the long, curly haired blonde who was beginning to look a lot like General Custer with the goatee he was growing told the little woman, "Go back to the house. I'll be along as soon as I take care of some business." The frontier lady asked, "What kind of business, Dear?" He told her, "Now, are you forgetting your upbringing? Business is of no concern for the pretty little heads of women. Am I right, Willabelle?" Willabelle sighed, "Yes, Dear. You're right. I need to do some more knitting, anyway." And she went out of den of inequity, careful not to get her large bow caught on the swinging doors, or her bustle bumped by it. Duffy tried to head the man off, "Mr. John! No guns are allowed in the saloon!" Wrangler John told him, "I don't have my guns with me. See?" And he showed him he wasn't even carrying his holster. "In fact, I've come to make my peace with O'Rourke." Duffy eyed him, wondering if it were some sort of trick. "Just remember, it was your idea to make the former Captain into somebody you could still marry." John said. "Yeah. I know. Love can make you do terrible things." But as Duffy moved away to take care of other business of the establishment, the taller, stronger man grabbed his sleeve. In a lowered voice, he asked, "Duffy, you haven't... told anybody about what's happened around here, have you?" Duffy answered, "Are you kidding!? I have a hard enough time getting people to believe I was at the Alamo." === O'Rourke was looking up at the stage and the small woman dressed like the other girls in the saloon, but in pink, with some added red bows. She had a nice voice, but it didn't have enough power to really rise above the general din of the crowd drinking, gambling, and flirting below her. Wrangler John stepped up beside him. The nearly as tall and broad-shouldered man, too, listened for a while. "Poor Longfellow. Not only isn't he long, now, he's not even a fellow." O'Rourke asked, calculatingly casual, "How's your wife?" John answered, "Fine. How's yours?" O'Rourke answered, "Better, now that she's told everybody she's pregnant. Agarn never could get used to whale-bone corsets." John