The Friendly Mad Scientist free porn video

The Friendly Mad Scientist By Bill Hart Howard pulled to a stop in front of the gate of the old forbidding Tunsten Manor. Following his retirement party - he hadn't wanted to retire, but those youngsters had forced him into accepting it - this was possibly the very last place on earth he wanted to stop. He'd heard all those old stories about the Tunsten family and the old Tunsten Manor since the time he was a young boy. The stories were even old when he first heard them. He didn't really believe them; he never had. But from a more practical standpoint, he simply saw no reason to take any unnecessary chances. As he got out of the car to check for new damage, Howard wished that stupid trick-or-treater hadn't run out in front of him like that. The little fool must have had some kind of death wish. That was only way to rationally explain what had just happened. His had been the only car on the road for as far as he could see in either direction. Even now, it was still the only visible vehicle on the road. Howard didn't know what else could have explained the fool's presence in the area. There were no houses in the immediate area except for the old Tunsten Manor. However, very few, if any, of the local people went anywhere near that place. Tunsten Manor simply inspired fear. Even the kids avoided the old place like some horrible plague. Somehow, quite fortunately, Howard had managed to swerve and miss him or her. However, he had no idea how that had been possible. He'd stopped and looked all around the area, but hadn't seen anyone at all. Clearly, whoever or whatever it had been must have disappeared into the surrounding woods like some kind of wounded animal. A quick inspection of his car yielded no indication that he'd hit anything at all. On the other hand, he must have hit something between there and here. He just wished he'd seen whatever it was that had put that big of hole in his tire. It would have been better if this flat tire had happened three or four miles one side or the other from his current location. From one of those points, he wouldn't have been able to see the old Tunsten Manor for the surrounding woods. If nothing else, he would have felt better. But the solution was still simple enough. He'd simply change the tire. Once the spare tire was in place, then he'd quickly be on his way again. No would know he'd even been there. More importantly, he wouldn't need to disturb old Doc Tunsten or anyone else in the Manor. Whether someone believed those old stories or not, nobody in their right mind ever disturbed old Doc Tunsten. Just then, he began wondering just how old Doc Tunsten really was. In his whole life, Howard had never heard him referred to in any other way. Even from the time she was a young girl his old granny had always called him nothing but old Doc Tunsten. It had been a very long time since his old granny had been a young girl. A very long time indeed. Tonight, Howard had been forcibly retired just because he'd had his seventieth birthday the previous week. Some of those snotty kids where he worked that would be taking his place didn't know half of what he knew. They'd make plenty of mistakes that he wouldn't make. Howard was also convinced the fools at work would eventually realize they'd made a major mistake forcing Howard Bardwell to retire. He wondered how much money they'd lose before they finally figured that out. Once Howard opened the trunk, he removed the jack and the lug wrench. When he went to remove the small Mickey Mouse spare tire, he found it just as flat as the tire still on the car. He didn't really know how that could be possible. He'd only driven on the damn thing a couple of hundred miles until he could finally take it into the garage and have his last flat repaired. Maybe there was some truth to that fifty mile limit the mechanic, who had suggested its replacement, had mentioned. "Okay, it's still no problem," muttered Howard. "I'll just call the auto club for a tow." Howard picked up his cell phone, one of his very few concessions to the advancement of technology. "Shit!" he grumbled. There were no signal bars present. It was doing a damn network search and coming up repeatedly empty. Apparently, it had been doing its search for quite a while since the battery was already down to fifty percent and steadily decreasing. Even worse, there was never much traffic along this particular route. That was one of the main reasons Howard always used it. It also meant he might not see another car for several days. And that meant, most unfortunately, he was going to have to disturb old Doc Tunsten. As he slowly walked toward the Manor gate, he hoped the ancient and allegedly mad scientist wouldn't be too angry about having an unexpected visitor arriving so late at night. There were no visible lights in the Manor. That wasn't too hard for Howard to understand. Tonight was Halloween. A light inside meant a potential invitation to trick-or-treaters. All the rumors he'd heard his entire life indicated the Tunstens wanted no visitors... ever. No visible lights simply meant no inadvertent uninvited visitors. Of course, even if the Manor were ablaze with lights that might be seen for miles and miles, Howard doubted anyone would come calling tonight or, for that matter, any other night. Howard slowly opened the gate. Even though it resisted, it finally began opening. With each inch it moved, it screeched like a wild banshee. It sounded as if the gate had gone unoiled for several years. Once through the gate, he had to physically close it again. The old ungreased gate simply wouldn't swing shut on its own. It screeched every bit as loudly being closed as it had being opened. None of this made Howard feel very good. As he continued his way up the walk, Howard checked his cell phone several times. Each time he'd looked at it, there were still no visible signal bars. It just continued doing its network search over and over again. Howard wasn't too surprised the Tunsten Manor sat in a dead spot for his cell phone. It wouldn't be too much longer before the battery finally ran down far enough to shut itself down. No traces of lights were visible in the old Manor as Howard cautiously approached. He'd been hoping there might have been something inside that was just too dull to be seen from the highway. No such luck. Maybe it just meant that no one was home. Even if it meant not getting any immediate help, one could always wish. Perhaps old Doc Tunsten was dead and nobody even knew it. Even if he'd been dead for years, who would have ever known? It certainly wouldn't have surprised Howard finding out that was case. If the old doctor were still alive, then he had to be well into his hundred and teens... at the very least. Howard rang the doorbell. He jumped. The bell sounded like an old foghorn with some kind of strange laryngeal complication. The eerie sound of the bell didn't make Howard feel any better about being there to hear it. Several minutes later - it felt far longer - the door slowly swung open. It creaked as it moved almost as badly as the front gate had screeched earlier. Clearly, the Tunsten's didn't believe in oiling hinges. "Good evening, suh," said a voice that sounded like a highly exaggerated Bela Lugosi voice playing at being Dracula. Howard stared up at the butler, if butler was indeed what he truly was. He was certainly dressed for the part. However, he was also seven and three-quarters feet tall if he was an inch. He might have weighed a ton, possibly even more. Calling him ugly - not that Howard would have - might have been more of a compliment than an insult, as he had a jagged set of scars crisscrossing his face that made it look like a checkerboard. The man also appeared to be a little on the green side, but that might have been the poor lighting. "Is the mastuh expecting you, suh?" "No. I don't think so. How could he be expecting me?" replied Howard, wondering why the butler thought he might have called and made an appointment. Not many people ever came this way and Doc Tunsten wasn't the kind of doctor that ever made house calls. "I'd like to use your telephone. I have a flat tire and an even flatter spare. I'd like to call the auto club, so they can come out and give me a tow back into town." "I'll fetch the mastuh, suh," replied the butler in a slow deliberate manner that Howard found unnerving. "The mastuh might be busy with one of his many experiments, suh. Would you like to come inside and wait for him, suh?" "Couldn't I just use the telephone?" asked Howard. "I certainly wouldn't want to disturb Dr. Tunsten if it was unnecessary." "I'm sorry, suh. No one uses the mastuh's telephone unless the mastuh first grants his permission, suh." "I see. How long do you think it will be before he sees me?" "That is up to the mastuh, suh. Only the mastuh can possible know how much time the mastuh will require before he finishes what he finishes, suh," replied the butler. "It might be minutes... hours... a day or two... no more than a week, I would surmise, suh." "A week? That long?" asked Howard. "Couldn't you find some way of speeding that up a little bit?" "No one rushes the mastuh, suh. That just isn't done, suh." Howard realized there wasn't much else he could do. Once he failed to return to the retirement home, he was reasonably certain someone would call the police... eventually. It was times like this that pointed out just how much he missed his late wife. They would have still been living in their own house if she hadn't had the stroke and passed away the previous year. The people at the retirement home were relatively nice, but none of them were his wife. Once someone finally called the police and reported his disappearance, they'd quickly find his car out on the highway. Once they found it - with the flat tire and flatter spare - they'd certainly be able to figure out exactly where he was. "I guess I'll just have to wait for your master then." "Very good, suh. The mastuh shall be informed of your presence, suh." The butler led Howard into what appeared to be a large library with a couple of windows that looked out on the roadway. He could see his car sitting there. It didn't seem possible, but there was apparently more light in this room than he would have ever imagined possible given the near total darkness he'd seen from the outside. Howard reasoned that the windows must have been covered with something that refused to let light waves pass from the inside out. "Would you care for a glass of iced tea while you wait for the mastuh, suh?" "That would be great," smiled Howard. He was glad he'd been offered something; he was thirsty. "Very good, suh. If there is anything else you need, then just call for me, suh," replied the butler. "My name is Tiny, suh." "Tiny?" replied Howard. This man was seven and three quarters feet tall and could easily pass for a rather large wall. How could his name possibly be Tiny? "Yes, suh?" "How did someone as big as you ever get a name like Tiny?" But Tiny was already gone. Howard hadn't even heard the big man leave. Howard sat down in the nearest chair. It was far more comfortable than it had first appeared. Curiously, he picked up one of the magazines sitting on the end table. Howard stared at its cover. It was the current issue of 'Mad Scientist Quarterly'. He'd never heard of that magazine before. However, it must have a decent circulation. The address label gave 'Dr. Erasmus Tunsten' as the subscriber and there was a seven-digit subscriber number following his name. Howard curiously thumbed through the magazine. Finding them strange, yet oddly fascinating, he paused at a few of the articles. Some of them simply defied belief. 'Transforming Friends and Neighbors for Fun and Profit.' Howard could think of several people, none of them he truly counted among his friends or neighbors, that he wouldn't mind seeing transformed into something or someone else. He wouldn't have minded if someone had turned his last supervisor into an ass; it would have been a major improvement. '1001 Halloween Tricks to Play on Obsequious Trick-or- Treaters.' Obsequious didn't seem the right word to describe any of the stranger Trick-or-Treaters he'd known during his life. Obnoxious would have worked far better. If he had the time, he'd have to read that article in its entirety. Perhaps these were tricks intended to turn the more revolting trick-or-treaters servile. 'Upgrading from Pissed Off Scientist to Angry Scientist.' Were these lesser grades of Mad Scientist? Howard wondered if someone could just take some kind of strange test somewhere and become a Mad Scientist by examination. Was there something higher than being a mad scientist? 'Transforming Gold into Aluminum Phosphate.' Why would anyone want to turn gold into aluminum phosphate? 'Your monster and you.' That article made sense... sort of. What mad scientist didn't have his own monstrous cohort around to assist him? Was Tiny the butler actually old Doc Tunsten's pet monster? 'Head-swapping as a Safe-sex Alternative to Wife-swapping.' Although it sounded weird, it also made a lot of sense. You'd think you were screwing someone else, but you'd really be playing around on the old familiar home turf... so to speak. Some of the advertisements were just as strange as the articles. There was a cellular transmogrification unit, or CTU. If the ad could be believed, it would let the operator change anything or anyone into something or someone else at the cellular level. Those altered by the CTU would be physically indistinguishable from the real thing. One of the pages touted the new and improved randomizing mind swapper device (pat. pending) from Acme Scientific. This new model of RMSD randomly swapped the minds of up to thirteen - a full baker's dozen - swappees connected to it. The earlier models had allowed only four connections at any one time. In addition to this new model allowing more swaps, the intraspecies requirements for swappees had finally been removed. There was also a membership form for the Mad Scientists Book Club. One of the several free books offered to new members as an inducement to join the club was "Subliminal Mind Control for Dummies." That seemed an odd book to be offering Mad Scientists, but Howard figured they must know what they doing. A couple of the other books listed as available once the membership requirements had been satisfied were "The Philosopher's Stone: AKA Aluminum Phosphate" and "Psychomimetical Transfigurations." Even thought the title of the former book explained why there had been an article about transforming gold into aluminum phosphate in the magazine, Howard still thought the idea of turning gold into anything else was pure insanity. But then, they were obviously mad scientists for a reason. He had no idea what topic the latter book discussed. He wasn't sure he wanted to find out. When Tiny returned, Howard set the odd magazine back down on the end table. "Your iced tea, suh," announced Tiny, holding out a large tall glass to Howard. "Thank you, Tiny," smiled Howard as he took the glass. After taking a small sip of his iced tea, his smile abruptly broadened. "This is really good." He than took another, longer sip. "Did your master tell you just how long it would be before he finished his latest experiment?" "The mastuh said he would be finished once he was finished, suh," replied Tiny. "The mastuh won't be finished until then, suh." "I see." Howard started to ask Tiny another question, but then realized the jumbo-sized butler was no longer in the room with him. Somehow, he'd vanished again. Howard didn't have the slightest idea how anyone his size kept doing something like that without making any sounds whatsoever. As Howard continued sipping his tea, a large oddly colored cat strolled into the room as if she owned the place. She - Howard was fairly certain the cat was a she - stared at Howard for several seconds. "Hi there, pretty Kitty," said Howard, as he started extending his hand toward the cat. The feline eyed his approaching hand warily. All of a sudden, the cat started barking - just like some dog - at him. "What the hell?" At that moment, a dog about the same size as the cat appeared from somewhere. However, once it saw the barking cat, its hackles abruptly rose and it began hissing at the cat just like it was also some kind of a cat. At that point, the barking cat abruptly bolted out of the room and the hissing dog swiftly followed in hot pursuit. Howard took another drink of his tea. He almost wished it contained a little alcohol. Just what was going on around here? A moment later, he heard a squealing that clearly reminded him of the sound cats made on a long summer's night. But that couldn't possibly be what was happening now. When he looked around, Howard noticed a bright green parrot had glided silently into the room and perched on one of floor lamps. "Don't mind them," said the parrot calmly from his perch. "It's not really their fault, you know. They're just so confused about a lot of things right now. Whenever the two of them are together, all they want to do is screw." "But they're a dog and a cat." Howard shook his head. All of this was getting a little too weird for him. "So what? You got a problem with that or something?" squawked the parrot. "Are you some kind of stupid interspecies bigot or something else?" "What are you talking about?" Howard began wondering how he could be having this - or any - conversation with some dumb parrot. At that moment, Tiny reentered the room. Howard was happy to see the giant. "The mastuh won't be happy that you're disturbing his visituh, Polly." "Would you can that stupid Polly shit, Tiny!" squawked the parrot. "I've told you over and over again that my name's Butch, not Polly." Tiny slowly shook his head. "The mastuh says that your name is Polly, Polly. Until the mastuh decides your name is something else you are still Polly, Polly." "Then screw you, Tiny!" squawked Polly as she flew out of the room. "You really must forgive Polly, suh," said Tiny. "He's just not adjusting as well as she should." "He, or is it she, isn't adjusting well to what?" asked Howard. But Tiny had once again vanished. "Would you quit doing that!" shouted Howard. *** Howard gulped down the remainder of his iced tea. Things were just too strange - and getting stranger - around this loony bin. He began thinking it might be time - in fact, long past the time - to leave. Consequently, he set his empty glass on the end table and started to rise from the chair. As he rose, a young man apparently somewhere in his mid-twenties entered the room. "Good evening, sir," said the unkempt young man. He looked as if he might have been sleeping in his clothes and not combed his hair in weeks. "I am Dr. Erasmus Tunsten." "You're Dr. Erasmus Tunsten?" asked Howard. He was definitely very surprised at hearing that bit of news. He had been expecting old Doc Tunsten to be someone a whole lot older than this young man clearly was. "I certainly am, sir. I come from a centuries old line of Tunstens, you know," replied the doctor. "I am afraid, however, that my line of Erasmuses is of a somewhat shorter duration. How about you, sir?" "How about me what?" "Why your name of course, sir," replied the doctor. "Surely someone as distinguished looking as yourself must come from an equally long and distinguished line of someones, sir. But I just can't keep on calling you sir all the time. Now can I, sir? That gets rather old rather fast and I simply hate having to be so formal and stuffy." Howard wasn't too sure he wanted to tell Dr. Tunsten anything. At the same time, he was a guest in the man's house. "My name is Howard Bardwell. I don't really know much of anything about my Bardwell ancestors. However, I do know that I'm the only Howard that I know about in my family." "That simply makes you unique, Howie," smiled Erasmus. "I like that in a man." "Howard," said Howard calmly. Even as a youngster, he'd never liked being called Howie. "My name is Howard, not Howie." "Of course it is. Whatever you say, Howie. How foolish of me?" smiled the doctor. "Why don't you call me Mussy? All my very best friends call me Mussy, you know. I think we're going to be really good friends, you and I." "Mussy? I'd have never guessed." Howard sighed. As much as he disliked being called Howie, he thought he could put up with it for a few more minutes. "Could I use your telephone to call the auto club, Mussy?" At that moment, the strange brightly colored parrot flew back into the room and landed on Dr. Tunsten's shoulder. "Hello, Erasmus, you old goat," he squawked. When he turned and saw Howard, he asked, "Are you still here?" He - the voice was very definitely male now - seemed somewhat annoyed. "I really thought you'd be long gone by now, you know," he squawked. "If you know what's good for you, then you'll get as far away from here as you can... while you still can." "What are you talking about?" asked Howard. At the same time, he was less than pleased with himself for trying to hold another conversation with the parrot, even if that strange parrot seemed exceptionally more intelligent and communicative than any parrot could possibly be. "That was not very nice of you to insult our guest, Polly," scolded the doctor. "And just how many times have I told you that you must call me Mussy?" "I don't know," replied Polly. "How many times have I told you to keep calling me Butch and not Polly?" he squawked. "I'm no Polly. And you, of all people, know that as well as I do." "Polly, Polly, Polly. You're upsetting our guest." Erasmus turned to Howard. "You must really forgive our dear sweet Polly, Howie. She's always been a real malcontent." "Don't listen to a word he says, Howie," squawked Polly. "I haven't always been a parrot; you must know that. And just in case you've forgotten, he's a mad scientist." "Of course I am. I was at the head of my Mad Science class at good old MST - that's my alma mater Mad Scientist Tech, you know," beamed Dr. Erasmus Tunsten. "Sometimes I sorely miss my good old college days as an MST Rambling Igor." "You rang, mastuh." Howard had no idea why - or even from where - Tiny had returned. The rather large greenish butler had just all of a sudden been there in the room with them. "I want you take Polly back to her cage, Tiny," commanded the doctor. "Our young hen is being quite the little bitch again." "And whose fault is that," squawked Polly. "I never asked to be a parrot hen. Hell, I never once asked to be a parrot either." "Yes, mastuh. At once, mastuh," replied Tiny. After taking Polly from Erasmus' shoulder, Tiny headed toward the door and the hallway beyond it. "Quit fighting with me, Polly." "I will if you promise to call me Butch." "I cannot do that, Polly." replied Tiny. "Until the mastuh tells me your name is something other than Polly, then you are simply Polly, Polly." "My name is Butch!" Their argument continued down the hall until Howard could no longer make out their words. "What the hell was that all about?" "It's all my fault, I suppose," replied Erasmus contritely. "After I finally caught that obnoxious little snot that thought he could break into my lab and then tell me what to do, he kept insisting that he was going to 'fly the coop'." Erasmus smiled oddly. "How was I to know that he'd fiddled with the transmogrifier settings before I caught up with him? I fully expected him to become a pigeon, you know. Even if they are messier birds, pigeons are a lot quieter and less combative than parrots, you know." The doctor shook his head. "Since she's laid her first clutch of eggs, I've been expecting her to settle down and adjust. But for some as yet undiscovered reason, she just keeps getting worse and worse." "Oh. I'm really sorry that I asked." Howard shook his head again. The sooner he got out of here, the sooner he'd like it. "Could I use your telephone to call the auto club now?" At that moment, the barking cat bolted through the room as if she were being chased by the devil. Following close behind the barking cat was the hissing dog. "That's enough of that, you two," scowled Erasmus. "I want you both to quit running around in the house." The dog and cat both stopped, then turned and looked with puzzlement at the mad scientist. "We have a visitor today. You're making a very bad impression." Both animals turned and glared angrily at Howard. The cat growled a menacing canine-type growl. The dog spat a clearly feline response. Less than a heartbeat later, the chase was on once again. "They don't seem to listen to you very well," remarked Howard. "They never have, Howie. Even before, they never paid much attention to what I said," replied the doctor. "Of course, it doesn't really help that they're both so confused about so many things right now." "Confused?" repeated Howard. "About what?" Polly had said they were confused earlier. "What did you do to them, Mussy?" he asked, before abruptly wishing he hadn't. "I was trying to transform my dog Rover from a Great Dane into a beagle. I've always wanted a beagle, you know. They're not as big as Great Danes, you know." Erasmus took a long deep breath. "I set the settings, put Rover in the United Transmogrifier device, and flipped the switch. There was this unexpected surge of power. When I opened up the transmogrifier unit, Rover had been transformed into a cat. I suspect that Rover might have become far less confused if he'd just remained male, but on top of everything else he'd become a female cat. When I tried to set things straight again, I didn't notice that my little Muffin had chased Rover out of the transmogrifier. As a result, my poor cat Muffin became a dog - a male dog at that - when I activated the transmogrifier circuits again." Howard shook his head. That was a helluva lot more than he had ever wanted to know. Unfortunately, he was afraid the strange story wasn't quite over yet. "Mentally, Rover's still a dog and Muffin's still cat," said the doctor. "However, from a purely physical standpoint, Rover is now a female cat and Muffin is a male dog. I really wish they could talk, you know. I'm sure they'd have some great tales to tell." Erasmus scratched his chin. "I think their physical bodies have generated more than enough hormones for their minds to unquestionably accept their new genders. I can't even begin to imagine how confusing everything has become for them now." Erasmus sighed. "The best theory I've been able to devise that fits all the facts is that Rover now views himself as a female dog and sees Muffin as a male dog. At the same time, Muffin sees herself as a male cat and views Rover as a female cat." "They seem to be in constant heat." "You've noticed that little detail, have you?" replied Erasmus. "As far as they're concerned they're a breeding pair. And breeding is exactly what they seem intent on doing... constantly." Erasmus smiled weakly. "Sooner or later, Rover is going to find herself pregnant. It's simply inevitable. After that, they'll probably have a huge litter of cogs and dats or dots and cags that won't have the slightest idea just how screwed up they really are." "Why don't you just put them back into that transmogrifier device you mentioned?" asked Howard. "If it created the problem, then it should also be able to solve it." "I've tried that approach, Howie," explained Erasmus. "The warranty from United doesn't exactly cover this particular situation. Believe me, I looked over all the fine print with a powerful magnifying glass. On top of all of that, neither Rover nor Muffin will go anywhere near the transmogrifier. They've apparently developed an instinctive aversion to the device. After a while, I just gave up trying to change them back." The doctor smiled. "Besides, I'm beginning to believe they might both be happier the way they are now. Things just might settle down once Rover finally has her first litter of little whatevers." "Oh," said Howard simply. He really didn't now what to say after hearing the doctor's unusual story. He was, however, beginning to think that insane better characterized Dr. Erasmus Tunsten than mad. The inmates were in charge of this asylum. How had he managed not to be put away somewhere in a little room with heavily padded rubber walls? The sooner Howard got out of here, the better he was going to like it. "Where is your telephone, Mussy? I really must make that call to the auto club." "There's something bothering you," said Erasmus. "Isn't there, Howie? What is it? You can tell me; we're friends." Howard stared at the man in disbelief. He wondered what could have given his host the first clue. Had he missed everything going on around him since Howard's arrival? "Should I start with your confused mating pair of cat and dog, Mussy? Or would you rather I started with your incredibly strange parrot?" Erasmus looked puzzled. "I didn't mean any of them. Those three are my problems to deal with, not yours." He smiled at Howard. "It's just that I feel something happened - probably before you even arrived here this evening - that made you want to chew the ends off test tubes and spit the broken glass out like so many guided missiles." 'That was a very colorful, if somewhat odd, expression,' thought Howard. However, he wasn't too sure he wanted to be psychoanalyzed by some mad scientist. "How could you know this was my last day at work? How could you know those bastards forced me into retirement?" "Retirement? You?" mused Erasmus. "Whatever for? Clearly, you can't be any more than a mere seventy years old, if even that. How could anyone stupidly force someone to retire at such an early age?" "Those were my thoughts exactly, Mussy." Howard was beginning to think he might have misjudged his host a little too quickly. "However, I am surprised that someone your age would think so." "Why is that, Howie?" The doctor sounded puzzled. However, he suddenly began smiling, as a look of understanding grew in his eyes. "Never mind the question, Howie. I'm sure I know why?" His smile widened. "Would it surprise you greatly if I told you that the Mad Scientists' Guild, Local 6842 tried to force me to retire after my last birthday." He looked off into space and laughed. "Me? Retire? Can you even believe something so totally ludicrous, Howie." "I don't understand." Howard was mystified. "You don't look like you could be more than twenty-five. How could they even think of retiring you?" "It wasn't the first time MSG Local 6842 had tried to get me retired," smiled Erasmus. "You should know by now that looks can often be quite deceiving, my young friend. I'll have you know I turned 186 years young on my last birthday." He paused for a moment to let what he'd told Howard sink in. "Those damn MSG whippersnappers of not quite a century think they know everything. Those young fools tried sending me out to pasture because they thought I was too old to be useful any more." "But you can't possibly be 186 years old," mumbled Howard. "You're quite perceptive, Howie. In just a couple more weeks, I'll be celebrating birthday 187. I've been thinking of throwing myself a large birthday party to celebrate the event. If you aren't going to be busy, perhaps you'll be able to come by for a piece of cake." "But how is that possible?" Howard still couldn't believe what Erasmus had just told him. And yet, what if it were somehow true? "I used the Acme Rejuvenator, of course. I wasn't supposed to use it on myself again, but I did," explained Dr. Tunsten. "To all outward appearances and for all intents and purposes, I am now physically twenty-five years old. However, I still have my vast store of irreplaceable knowledge gained during my nearly 187 years. It just goes to show you what those misguided lads in charge of the guild really know. Once again, I've suffered no ill effects from another rejuvenation as they all felt I might. I'm still perfectly normal." Erasmus gave Howard a sudden wistful look. "I like you, Howie; I really do. You must know I wouldn't do this for just anyone coming in off the roadway like you did tonight. If you'd like, I'll use the Acme Rejuvenator to restore your former youth to you." "You'd do that for me?" asked Howard. He didn't know why he was taking any of this nonsense so seriously. But the lure of becoming young again was a powerful one. He had plenty of things to prove to those fools where he'd worked that would be far easier accomplished by someone somewhat younger than he currently was. "Of course I would, Howie. We're kindred spirits... you and I. I can feel it in my bones," smiled Erasmus. "Is there someone else - a wife perhaps - that you'd like me to rejuvenate as well?" "No one," replied Howard. "My wife died a couple of years ago." "I'm so sorry to hear that, Howie. How tragic that someone in the very flowering of her youth should die so young." He put his arm around Howard's shoulder. "But I'm sure you know what they always say about these things - Ca sera sera. Now just how old would like to become once again, Howie?" "What about those problems you mentioned earlier?" asked Howard worriedly. "I wouldn't want to wind up like Rover or Muffin, or even Polly." "You don't need to worry about any of those things happening to you, Howie," replied Erasmus calmly. "There can't be any those problems because I'll be using the Acme Rejuvenator on you. That's the same device I used to rejuvenate myself and, as you can plainly see for yourself, I'm still perfectly normal." Howard wasn't totally convinced that Erasmus was still normal. Maybe he had rejuvenated himself once too many times. Of course, he might have never actually been normal... perfectly or otherwise. "Are you absolutely certain nothing will go wrong?" "I'm positive. I give you my word as a mad scientist that nothing will go wrong," said the doctor confidently. "As I've explained to you before, all those problems I've had with Rover, Muffin, and Polly have resulted from using the United Transmogrifier. I should have known not to cut any corners when I bought it. You always get what you pay for, you know. And that United Transmogrifier was simply another in their very long line of cheap unpredictable knockoffs." "How about twenty-two then?" asked Howard. He wasn't too sure from where that particular age had come, but he definitely liked the idea of being twenty-two again. "That's very easily done, Howie," smiled Erasmus. "If you want to be twenty-two, then twenty-two you'll soon be." Howard mulled it all over. Even though he still wasn't entirely convinced that trusting a mad scientist was such a good idea, there was something in his head that kept insisting he could trust Mussy completely. Besides, what did he really have to lose any way? Once he was again twenty-two with all his current knowledge still intact, he'd have no problem getting his old job back - probably with a substantial raise in pay. But that raised another problem. Howard simply wasn't too sure he really wanted his old job back. He wanted them to pay for their stupidity. They'd already forced him to retire once. They would very likely force him to retire again... in another fifty years or so. But wherever he worked was a decision that could easily be made later. "When do we get started, Mussy." Erasmus smiled. "How about right now, Howie. I'm currently between experiments and can easily fit you into my schedule. I also have this feeling that you would really like to become twenty-two again as soon as you possibly can." "You got that right, Mussy," smiled Howard. "It all sounds just great to me." "Then follow me, Howie. Your not so long awaited return to the age of twenty-two awaits you in my lab." *** Erasmus escorted Howard straight to his lab. As he entered the lab behind Erasmus, Howard was simply amazed with everything he saw. The lab was so large. It was filled with all kinds of strange-looking machines and gadgets. Electricity was constantly arcing between some of the larger tall posts. There were scores of beakers of various sizes filled with the oddest colored fluids. Howard had no idea what might be in any of the countless test tubes. The enormous electrical panel on the far wall and its large breakers implied that some of these gadgets took an awful lot of power to operate. Howard wondered just how much juice it would actually take to restore him to his requested age of twenty-two again. He hoped the procedure was safer than it now appeared it was. Erasmus led Howard over to a leather-covered large flat table with a huge panel consisting of a keyboard with several assorted switches, lights, meters, and dials attached to one of its sides. Howard saw the Acme Scientific label - he'd seen it before in one of the ads that he'd seen in Mussy's copy of the 'Mad Scientist Quarterly' - above one of the larger dials. So this odd-looking device was the famed Acme Rejuvenator? It didn't really look like much of anything. Howard couldn't imagine how something as simple as this could possibly do what Mussy had claimed it was capable of doing. "I need you to undress and lay down on the table on your back, Howie," instructed Erasmus. "Don't worry, it's a lot more comfortable than it looks." "Why do you need me to undress?" "You have to be naked for this, Howie. It's nothing ulterior on my part, I assure you. You simply can't be wearing anything that would prevent you from being evenly bathed in the light from the device. The table itself is covered with a very special material that will insure your backside is properly exposed." Satisfied with the explanation, Howard quickly stripped, then laid down on the table. Mussy had been right about the table being more comfortable than it looked. However, he still felt uneasy being naked in front of someone he'd only just met. At the same time, if this worked as Mussy had said it would, he'd soon be twenty-two years old again. For that, he could live with a little unease and discomfort. Erasmus affixed several wires from the panel to the sides and front of Howard's head. "What are these for?" asked Howard curiously. "The device utilizes subject feedback in its basic operation. We need to make sure you keep your mind fully concentrated on being twenty-two years old or you might wind up older or younger. These wires connect your mental processes with the circuitry of the device to keep you focused. They also provide for the direct linkage for the initial instructions I'll give the device for you. Once I've thrown the final switch and the process starts, there will be a nearly continuous exchange and updating of information between your mind and the device that will only cease when the process has completed and you physically match how your mind expects your body to be." "Will this hurt?" asked Howard. It seemed somewhat late to be worried about whether or not it would hurt. He wondered why he hadn't thought about asking Mussy that question earlier. "Just relax, Howie. You won't feel a thing," smiled Erasmus. "Once you're bathed in the light and the process starts, it will seem as if you've fallen into a deep, deep slumber. When you reawaken, the process will have been successfully completed. You'll be just the way your mind has told the device you want to be." Erasmus swiftly typed a few things in at the keyboard. "Whenever you're ready, Howie." "What did you just tell the device?" "I just gave it its initial instructions," replied Erasmus calmly. "It now knows you are to be twenty-two years old when the process completes. All of the feedback between you and the device will now insure that is the final result." Howard smiled weakly. "I suppose I'm ready." At the same time, he was still unsure this was what he should be doing. But it was just too late to back out now. He knew he had to do it; he didn't want his friend thinking he was some kind of wuss. "Let her rip, Mussy!" Erasmus tossed the required switch and then hit the ENTER key. Within a heartbeat, the violet light from the machine began bathing the naked Howard. Just a few moments later, Howard's eyes slowly closed, just as if he fallen asleep. As Erasmus watched on, the lights on the panel soon began flickering. That merely indicated the exchanging of information between Howie's mind and the device's circuitry. The speed of the flickering simply indicated how much data was being exchanged. Even though he knew that Howie would soon be twenty-two, just as he'd explained to him he would, Erasmus still wondered how Howie would wind up appearing once this process finally completed. 'Twenty-two' wasn't the only initial instruction he'd fed into the device. It wasn't as if he'd actually lied to Howie. It wasn't terribly nice to lie to one's friends. All of the circuitry of the Acme Rejuvenator was present and served exactly the same function in his brand new Acme Transfigurator. The Rejuvenator was simply a more specialized Transfigurator; that was all there was to it. He'd spent most of the day installing it in the lab after its delivery by Undivided Scheduled Packet Services. It had been far too good a bargain to pass up when he'd seen it on sale on the Mad Scientist Shopping Channel earlier in the week. The extra money he'd paid for expedited delivery by USPS had been well worth it. He just couldn't believe his extreme good fortune in finding such an excellent test subject so quickly. If everything worked as he expected it would, his old Rejuvenator would become redundant equipment. He could also get rid of that damn United Transmogrifier. The thing had been nothing but trouble from the moment he'd first unpacked it and plugged it into the wall. Erasmus looked over at Howard. Even though there hadn't been enough time pass for anything to start happening, the Transfigurator seemed to be working well within its operating parameters so far. There were currently no indications that the device would operate in any way other than advertised. "Tiny?" said the mad scientist quietly. The large butler was suddenly standing beside him. "Yes, mastuh." "I need you to take the portable transmutator and go out to Howie's car. Once you make sure that the car is not in or too close to the roadway, I'd like you change it into a tree or a boulder or anything else that looks like it belongs there. Once I've decided on Howie's final disposition, we can always change it back into a car again, if that becomes necessary." "Yes, mastuh," replied Tiny. "I'll do just as the mastuh wishes, mastuh." With that having been said, Tiny was gone once again. 'He's such a good man; he's loyal to a fault,' thought Erasmus. On the other hand, Erasmus knew his gentle giant had always been a very loyal teddy bear. He'd been loyal to him long before he'd become the jumbo- sized gentleman's gentleman he was today. With Tiny gone to take care of Howard's car, Erasmus looked back toward the Rejuvenator and Howard. Everything was progressing very nicely. Changes were becoming increasingly evident, but the process was still far from complete. Howard continued being bathed in the eerie violet light of the transfigurator. Very clearly, the Rejuvenator circuitry of the Transfigurator was making its effect known first. It worked very quickly. Howard's appearance had already youthened considerably from the formerly seventy-year-old that had first lain down on the table. He was already approaching his desired target age of twenty-two. He looked the part perfectly now. It wouldn't be long now. Howard had become a reasonably good-looking young man. His hair, which had been thin and graying before, was now thick and dark. Erasmus wasn't surprised by what he saw. Even through his restored youth, Erasmus still saw plenty of Howie in the young man. He'd probably looked much the same way the first time he'd been twenty-two years old. Of course, "twenty-two" had only been the first piece of information he'd initially entered into the device. It was only natural that the Rejuvenator circuitry would affect him first. He'd just have to remember for future reference that the Transfigurator executed its initial instructions sequentially and not all at once. That might prove quite interesting later on. But now that Howard had finally reached his desired age of twenty-two, Erasmus was becoming increasingly curious about the other changes his new friend Howie would soon start undergoing. The light bathing him from the Transfigurator shifted color ever so slightly. Erasmus decided that must mean the rejuvenation cycle was now completed. Howard's nose - an odd place from where to start - seemed to remold first. It became smaller; its shape subtly altered. Changes then began radiating outwards from his transformed nose. His facial features subtly changed. Their appearance became softer and gentler. Their sensuality and femininity increased. The shape of his eyes altered slightly, while the eyebrows above them noticeably thinned. The hair atop his head was swiftly growing longer and longer. With each new inch grown, it became thicker and fuller. With each passing second, it was also turning increasingly lighter. His bodily hair was rapidly thinning. Not that it had ever really been overly thick, his chest hair seemed to swiftly melt away. The remainder of his body hair quickly followed suit. His waist pulled inwards. His hips began bulging. Howard was rapidly developing several new curves where males simply never developed curves. His nipples began slowly swelling. Just a heartbeat later, Howard's breasts began their own rapid expansion. At the same time, his penis had begun steadily shrinking. Within mere moments, Howard's testicles had been sucked up into his body, reshaped, and reformed. In doing so they'd gained a new functionality. The few remnants of his penis soon reformed into a slitted mound. His legs had become sleek and slender. Erasmus smiled as he looked over the newly altered form of Howard. Very clearly, Howard's body, under the total influence of his Acme Transfigurator, was now responding and transforming into complete conformance with the second of his two initial instructions. 'Twenty- two' had been only the first and Howard had soon after become twenty- two. The second part - 'sexy female' - of his original instructions would very soon be just as equally true. "It shouldn't take too much longer now for the process to complete," he grinned. The violet light bathing Howard's body abruptly ceased. 'The Transfigurator worked just perfectly,' thought Erasmus, as he looked over the now decidedly female form lying sublimely supine on the Transfigurator table. Howard now possessed a thick mass of curly blond hair. She had the beauty of Venus. How could anyone possibly look at her now and ever think of her as male any longer. She had a slender waist. Her legs were slinky and incredibly sexy. Howard also possessed a huge pair of boobs. They might not have looked quite as large as they did, if Howard hadn't also lost a good six inches of her former height as a male. "I must say you have one incredibly wicked imagination, Howie," smiled Erasmus. "But I have to admit I really like what your mind has done with what little it had to work. All I instructed was 'twenty-two, sexy female'. It was your own mind that supplied the rest of this exquisite physical patterning that the Transfigurator has now translated into reality. It's just too bad the Transfigurator can't affect mental patterns in the same way it so easily does the physical ones." Erasmus' smile was widening. "However, I have this funny feeling you're not going to be overly impressed or too happy with the wonderful thing your mind has done for you, Howie Bardwell." From the table, Howard moaned softly. What might have sounded strange coming from a man didn't sound odd in any way to Erasmus. Howard, apparently still feeling groggy from the Transfigurator's effect, didn't seem to notice the clearly soft soprano sound of his moan. Of course, he was still totally oblivious to the simple fact that he was no longer physically male. "Did it work?" mumbled Howard. "Just perfectly, Howie dear," replied Erasmus. "I'm sure you'll be totally surprised and amazed the very next time you see yourself." "Are you sure? I really feel kind of funny, Mussy." "I'm not at all surprised. It's a residual effect that will quickly pass," replied Erasmus calmly. "But you should probably get a little sleep now. I'm afraid that being rejuvenated can be an exhausting experience." Dr. Tunsten picked up the syringe from the small counter, then filled it with a clear fluid from the small vial that had been beside it. "This will help you sleep for a little while, Howie. It will also help you regather your strength quickly." He swabbed a small area of Howard's now smooth slender arm. Once he stuck the needle into Howard's arm, he injected its contents into Howard. As a result, Howard's eyelids slowly closed again. "Tiny?" "Yes, mastuh." "Please take our guest to her room, Tiny," grinned the mad scientist. "I believe she'll be staying with us for a few more days... at the very least." "As you wish, mastuh," replied Tiny. After leaning over and picking up Howard from the transfigurator table, he and the newly transformed female Howard abruptly vanished. "That's one really nice hot babe you made out of that scrawny old man," squawked the parrot as he flew into the room and landed on the mad doctor's shoulder. "I really hate that damn cage, Doc. It's way too small and confining." "Then I suppose I'll just have to get you a bigger one, Polly," replied Erasmus. "Why won't you call me Mussy like I've asked you to do dozens and dozens of times now?" "Why won't you call me Butch?" snapped Polly. "That's very easy, Polly," smiled the doctor. "I simply can't call you Butch because your name is Polly." "No, it isn't," snarled Polly. "It's Butch and you know it." "Polly most certainly is your name, Polly," replied Erasmus. "Since I made you the way you are today, I got to name you. I picked out Polly for you, Polly. Polly's a far better name for you now than Butch is. I mean who would ever name their parrot hen something dumb like Butch? Let's face the facts here, Polly. You're a parrot now. But you can also be such a loudmouthed bitch at times." "That's not my fault and you know it," squawked Polly. "I didn't want to be a parrot in the first place. But being a parrot might have been easier for me to take if you'd just left me male." "I could have, but I dinna wanna. So there." Erasmus stuck out his tongue at Polly. "I've made you angry. Haven't I, Doc?" "Angry? Me? You've got to be kidding!" snarled Erasmus Tunsten. "As you are fully aware, I am a mad scientist. Mad scientists never get angry. It's against all the rules." "I've heard all that crap from you before, Doc. I think you need to come up with a new line," replied Polly. "So what are you going to do with that hot new babe you just created, Doc? She sure as hell ain't gonna be too happy waking up in that hot sexy body you just gave her." "That's none of your damn business, Polly," snapped Erasmus. "Besides, I didn't give her that body. She gave herself that body." "I suppose I'll have to have a long talk with her after she wakes." "I wouldn't do that if I were you." "Is that a threat, Doc?" "Of course not. Think of it more as a promise." He looked at Polly, considering all of his available options. "I'll tell you what I'll do for you, Polly. Just be a good little girl parrot for the next week or so and I'll think about fitting you up with some brand new parrot cojones. What do you have to say to that, Polly?" "Would you call me Butch again?" "I'll consider it," replied Erasmus. "But I'll make no promises." "What if I don't wanna be one of those what you said?" "That's always your option, Polly. You can be as good a little girl parrot as you like," smiled the doctor. "Of course, I could always change your name from Polly to something like Lunch, if you catch my meaning." "You bastard," squawked Polly. "I suppose I can act like a good little... girl parrot for a week or so, but certainly no longer than that." "I thought you'd see things my way, Polly." Polly glared at the mad scientist as best a parrot could do. "I'm going back to my small confining cage now, Doc." He flew only as far as the door, before he lighted on it. "While I'm thinking about it, when you get me that larger cage, could you upgrade that television to an HD model, Doc?" "You'll have to call me Mussy first." "Very well," squawked Polly. "Would you upgrade my television to an HD model, Mussy?" "I'll see what I can do for you, Polly." "I suppose that's all I can ask." With that, Polly flew off. "Stupid parrot. I wonder if Polly would enjoy being an iguana better than a parrot," mumbled Erasmus. "She could be the same color, more or less. Iguanas are also very low maintenance. There wouldn't be so many feathers strewn about the Manor. She'd also be one helluva lot quieter as an iguana. I'd have to give her new name; Polly just doesn't sound like the right name for an iguana. Her not being able to talk would be another major plus. She wouldn't be constantly on my case and continually complaining about her name - whatever I decided it would be - or her missing iguana cojones. The silence would be positively golden." Erasmus suddenly sighed. "But I'll worry more about Polly later on. Right now, I'm in the midst of a valuable new experiment." He began laughing. His loud laughter reverberated throughout the lab. *** Erasmus' eyes popped open as he heard the loud piercing screams of a very decidedly female origin echoing throughout the manor. As he looked over at his clock radio, it was flashing 12:00... again. "Damnit," mumbled Erasmus. "I'll probably have to rewire the circuits of the Transfigurator again. It shouldn't have drawn that much power away from my clock radio." He then pulled his trusty old windup watch out of his pocket. "Damnit," he mumbled again. He'd been sleeping in his clothes knowing full well he'd have to get out of bed once Howie finally woke up and began screaming bloody murder. "Excellent. And pretty much right on schedule too," he mumbled, as he slipped his watch back into his pocket. "Tiny," he said into the air, as he got out of his bed. "Yes, mastuh," replied the large butler. "Mastuh is already dressed." "Yes, I know I'm dressed, Tiny. I thought it would save some time going to bed fully clothed." "The young lady is screaming very loudly, mastuh." "Yes, I know that as well. I can certainly hear her as clear as a bell... a rather large bell, I'm afraid." Erasmus smiled at Tiny. "Isn't science simply wonderful, Tiny? She has such a nice healthy pair of lungs." "Can we make the girl stop screaming, mastuh?" asked Tiny. "The girl is very loud. She does not sound very happy, mastuh." "I'm not surprised. Not in the least little bit," replied Erasmus. "I mean, let's face the facts, my boy. How would you feel if you woke up one morning female with a pair of humongous knockers?" "Knockers, mastuh?" Tiny was puzzled by the expression. "Is someone at the door? I heard no one knocking at the front door, mastuh." "Not door knockers, Tiny. I was talking about girl knockers," replied Erasmus. "They're two totally different things." Tiny still looked puzzled. "Girl knockers, mastuh?" Putting girl in front of knockers hadn't helped explain anything to the gentle giant one bit. "You know, Tiny," replied Erasmus. "Hooters. Gazongas. Boobs. Tits. Just stop me when I get to one you recognize." Tiny shook his head slowly. He continued looking puzzled. "I really think you need to get out into the world a little more often, Tiny. You need to meet a few new people every now and again." Erasmus sighed. Perhaps a more direct approach would work better with Tiny. "I was talking about her rather large breasts." He tapped his own chest. "I see now, mastuh. The mastuh means those big bumps on the girl's chest." "Exactly," smiled the doctor. "I think you've got it, Tiny." "Got what, mastuh? It is the girl that has those really big bumps on her chest, mastuh." "Yes, I've definitely noticed that striking part of her anatomy too." "Are those big chest bumps why the girl is now screaming, mastuh?" "I would imagine that they're probably a large part of the reason for her screams." He chuckled at his cleverness in describing her new boobs as a 'large part' of her problem. They were very definitely large. "What else could be making the girl scream so long and loud, mastuh?" asked Tiny. He put his hands over his ears. "The girl's screams are too loud. They hurt my ears, mastuh." "We don't really have the time right now for a long and involved anatomy lesson, Tiny," replied Erasmus. "But you're right about her screaming. We must find some way of getting her to stop immediately. All this screaming of hers is giving me a nasty headache." "Me too, mastuh," agreed Tiny, his hands still covering his ears. After Tiny and Erasmus left his room, they headed straight for Howard's room. "I suppose I'll have to explain all of this to you later, Tiny," said the doctor, as they walked down hall. "I'm very good at anatomy, you know. It was one of my very best subjects when I was a student at good old Mad Scientist Tech. However, after seeing how well it worked with Howie, I really think these new transfigurator devices are finally going to put an end to the old tried and true, yet old-fashioned, transplant and build a body from scratch school of thought." The screaming continued growing louder as they approached ever nearer to Howard's room. "This is a most remarkable occurrence, Tiny," remarked the doctor. "I would have thought she would have become a little hoarse by now." "A little horse, mastuh? Why, mastuh?" Tiny shook his head. "I like the girl with the great big bumps on her chest, mastuh. Why would the mastuh think about making the girl a little horse?" "A little horse?" Erasmus turned and looked askance at Tiny. "That's not something in my immediate plans, Tiny. I certainly like the way she looks too. I may be just a simple mad scientist, but no one ever accused Erasmus Tunsten of being stupid." "I'm glad to hear that, mastuh. I like the pretty girl with the great big chest bumps just the way she is." "Isn't it so wonderful. My little boy is growing up... again," sighed Erasmus. As soon as Erasmus opened the bedroom door, Howard's screams grew even louder and more deafening. The increased volume certainly didn't surprise the doctor. The now open door had muffled some - actually a great deal - of the noise from Howard's screams. As Erasmus and Tiny cautiously entered the room, the screaming simply continued unabated. Howard, still as impressively naked as he'd been when Tiny had taken him from the lab, was sitting up in the bed and screaming like there would be no tomorrow, as well as several days following that. His high-pitched piercing screams suddenly ceased once the doctor cleared his throat and Howard realized he was no longer alone in the room. He glared angry daggers at Erasmus from his now sparkling blue eyes. "What the fucking shit have you done to me you goddamn sicko freak bastard?" he screamed in the angriest soprano voice he could muster. Startled by the girl's unexpected vehemence, Tiny paled, then abruptly vanished. "Now look at what you've gone and done!" Erasmus shouted back. "You just scared poor Tiny half to death. You should be totally ashamed of yourself. Tiny would never hurt a fly." "I scared poor Tiny," growled Howard contemptuously. "Just take a real good look at what you've done to me, you sicko jerkoff." After suddenly realizing he was sitting there totally naked, had this pair of monster- sized boobs, and that damn perverted Erasmus was staring at him - or more likely them - Howard tore the sheet from the bed and rapidly covered himself with it. "Just why the hell should I feel the least bit ashamed?" "That's certainly gratitude for you," snapped the doctor. "After all that trouble and the hard work I went to in order to make you twenty-two years old again, this is how you repay my kindness. You've screamed loud and long enough to wake the dead. You've just scared poor gentle Tiny nearly senseless. You're simply not very grateful for your rejuvenation, Howie. I'm beginning to wonder if I should have actually rejuvenated someone like you at all." "Damnit! Look at me!" shouted Howard. "I'm a girl, you dimwit!" "Jeez Louise, Howie!" exclaimed Erasmus. "If you already knew you were a girl, then why did you have scream and scare poor Tiny the way you did? You're not very considerate of others, you know. I'll bet your report cards were always marked 'doesn't play well with others.' I sure hope you haven't thoroughly traumatized poor Tiny. Have you got any idea how difficult it is to find a psychoanalyst that makes house calls?" The mad scientist suddenly began smiling. "And besides, I think you're his very first crush." "His first crush? Give me a fucking break. No, strike that. Don't come anywhere near me." Howard slowly shook his head. "What the hell happened to me? You never said anything about turning me into a girl with your device." "That is true. I never said anything about turning you into a girl. On the other hand, I never said anything about not turning you into a girl either. So there; I win the point." Erasmus smiled knowingly at Howard. "It was a spur of the last moment decision, my friend. Just what's the big deal anyway?" Erasmus shook his head. "I am a mad scientist, you know. You really should have expected something like this from any self- respecting mad scientist." "You're right; I should have. I don't know why I didn't," snapped Howard. "Right now, I want you to take me back to your precious little lab, wire me back up to your stupid damn rejuvenator, and change me back into a man, post haste." "You're starting to sound a lot like Polly, Howie. Believe me, that is not any sort of a compliment. Nor is it a real good idea. That dumb bitchy parrot is a genuine pain in the ass," replied the doctor. "I suppose, you'd want to remain twenty-two years old." "You got that right, Dr. Tunsten," snapped Howard. "I should get something worthwhile out of all this shit. Don't you think so?" As Howard hopped out of the bed, he immediately fell to the floor in a heap. He looked up at Erasmus and frowned. "This female body doesn't seem to be overly coordinated," he said rather sheepishly. "I'm not surprised; you shouldn't be either," replied Erasmus. "Your mind is used to controlling a seventy-year-old male body. You'll have to admit that you're a far cry removed from both seventy and maleness at this particular moment. But don't start worrying too much about that too much. You'll get better with a little practice. You've seen how well Polly flies about the room." "A little practice? I hate to tell you this, Mussy, but I don't intend on doing any kind of practicing." Howard pulled himself up at the side of the bed. "All I intend on doing right now is go down to your lab, hop up on that damn table, and have you turn me back into a man. I think we can do that ASAP. Don't you?" "Not really. That's not such a hot move right now, Howie." "And why not?" "That's very simple. It violates the operating instructions that came with the Acme Transfigurator. It would also very likely void its warranty. Then, where would you be?" "Acme Transfigurator?" pondered Howard. That wasn't what he'd said earlier. "I thought you told me earlier that you would be using an Acme Rejuvenator, not this Acme Transfigurator you just mentioned." "That's just because I did, Howie," smiled Erasmus. "Rejuvenator or Transfigurator, they're both pretty much the same thing... sort o