Silly TG Club: Banging Heads free porn video

Author's note n' stuff: This story is, more or less, a parody of the TG genre. Somewhat. I plan on making more in this universe to cover a lot of things that I missed here. This is just for laughs and entertainment. I'm of the belief that you can't truly love something for what it is unless you know how to laugh when it's presented for what it isn't. Unless it's a direct insult... Then I don't know what to tell you. |_|; But I enjoy TG, and have for years. And I'm paranoid that someone will misunderstand the intentions behind this thing. Anyway, this story's mine n' things. Anything mentioned that exists outside of this story belongs to whomever and whatever, not me. Everything else is either borrowed or inspired by other things or a parody of a common theme. If there's anyone in reality that shares one of the names of the cast of characters, then I'd be surprised. Does a cat name count? O.o Please don't host this anywhere without my consent. I'll more than likely grant it if I'm asked, but I'd like to know what's happening. And to make sure it's a free-access story. Now, without further adieu... The Silly TG Club presents: Banging heads Produced by: Crescent Pulsar In association with: the Mad Muse Directed by: That Third Person Starring: Melvin Wedgie: "A nerd..." Jack Bonehead: "A jock..." Cassandra Not'entirely: "A heretic..." Mary Bigbazooms: "A, like, bimbo..." Daryl Darkfellow: "And an evildoer." Co-starring: Corky the Cat: "Mer-row...?" That Principal Guy: "Mmmm! Chalk! Num-nums!" Team Badpeople: "We harrass conveniently-localized citizens and that means you!" Co-co-starring: Tumbleweed: "Rustle, rustle, rustle..." ___ And now the story begins... Or so you're led to believe. ___ "Cock-a-doodle-do!" A rooster crowed from its perch upon Jack Bonehead's face. Jack, being awakened by the crow that wasn't a crow, yawned and swallowed the rooster whole. He didn't even notice as he smacked his lips and rubbed his eyes. Not even as muffled crowing bellowed from his bowels. Suddenly being invigorated by his muscle-bound body, Jack leapt to his feet and, feeling like the king of the world, he went into the bathroom and excused the riff-raff from his presence after he sat upon his throne. After fulfilling his royal duties he then returned to his room and glorified in its manly decor. Footballs hung from the ceiling as if in a constant state of Hail Mary, desperate as they were for the slim possibility of having the chance to hang and twirl in the air during a real game. Posters of babes from Sports Illustrated acted as his wallpaper and littering them was everything Steelers: pennants, wall scrolls, photographic posters, shirts, foamy hands that pointed rudely, unfinished vender food, football apparel and even several clocks. His bedspread consisted of a comforter that displayed the gridiron and a pillow that had cheerleaders raising one leg up in a cheer to show a portion of their panties and yellow goal posts were in the place of the bedposts. His floor was covered in Astroturf, though one day he hoped to have sod instead. Noticing movement on his Astroturf-covered floor, he spied his cat, Corky, whom just happened to be a yellow tabby. Corky was rolling over, over and over again. But not back and forth like one would expect. As if a record skipping he would roll over from one side to the other and then do it again in the exact same way. "Aww... Aren't oo mommy's cute wittle kitty-cat. Yezz oo are!" Jack crooned in admiration before angrily exclaiming: "But it's wrong!" And as any football player would do in their right mind, Jack kicked Corky with a mighty swing of his big toe. Corky quickly sailed into the bedroom wall with a mighty splat, where he defied gravity and continued to do his glitchy rolling thing. Coincidentally, his paws landed on a nice pair of bazooms every time he rolled over. "Ahhhh... I knew you took after me." Jack said with approval evident in his voice. "I'm the only one who knows how to paw a pair like that in this house, after all." Then, with a brief look of realization on his face, he began to get dressed and ignored Corky the cat. He ignored him like last week's girlfriend. And while he ignored him in such a way he put on a pair of steel-bun-hugging blue jeans and a white, cropped tank top that showed off his pierced navel and over that he put on his blazer that was emblazoned with his school's football team, the "Frolicking Nannygoats"; and to finish the ensemble, he donned a pair of black, polyester dress socks and followed them up with construction boots that had toes that were reinforced with Steelers' jock straps. "New day, I come anon!" Jack proclaimed as he paraded out of his room. Once again Jack found the ground level of his house vacant of parents since they were out on business trips (as they tended to do for years at a time). How they could earn money by tripping around on stuff was beyond him, but he figured that he would find out when he had children and had to take trips himself. At least they didn't forget to send him money to live off of. Money was good. That's how he got all of the chicks, because they all dug his expensive, motorized pinata and were pleased when they found him packing chocolate. Chicks dig chocolate and that's a natural fact: those long nails of theirs are really miniature shovels; don't forget that. Jack sat at the dining room table and set an empty bowl in front of himself. He began to imagine a bowl of cereal or, more specifically, a bowl of Wheaties with milk. And thus it came to be and he rejoiced. Though he did wonder why the flakes had come out rainbow-colored. He was smart and knew that there was no spoon, so he shoved a straw up his nose and inhaled his breakfast that way. He always loved a good brain- freeze in the morning. It also left his hands free so he could paw at the pear among the other waxed fruit that were lying in the basket that was set in the middle of the table. Upon completing the pass of cereal from his bowl to his bowels (where the rooster gurgled a complaint that was mistook for a satisfied- stomach-sound), Jack left for school to learn his vowels. At least that was what all of the teachers hoped that he would learn since his parent's money and his athletic skills paved his way ahead in life instead of allowing him to feel the burn. But he was a straight kid and didn't do drugs, so his brain wasn't going to fry to put satisfied grins on their mugs. He just never liked coffee. "Meeee-yow!" Corky yelled to Jack from the doorstep, standing up on his hind legs and waving as he did so. "See ya later, Corky!" Jack called back as he jogged backwards and waved. And with Jack's back turned the driver of the dump truck never saw him and thus promptly struck him and sent him flying far into the distance until he made a cute li'l sparkle in the sky using poo gas and a lighter that he had saved just for such an occasion. A week later he landed within the walls of the school grounds and casually made his way to the entrance of the school. On his way he noticed the other students doing the exact same thing that he was doing with the exception of how they had arrived: one guy rode in on a horse that had no name; another guy was jettisoned by a whale from the school's swimming pool; a girl was brought in on a sedan that was carried by the school janitors; and another girl was beamed down from a flying saucer (Well, it was really a squid-like being but it did have a mask over its face that captured the abstract image of a girl that might have had one eye close to where one should have been and thus she managed to blend in perfectly). "Halt, foul football fanatic!" A duet of voices (that were out of synchronization) stole through the morning air. Jack responded as if it were his own name being called and turned to face the going-into-the-school interlopers. That really wasn't their names, but he was sure that their true names meant the same thing. "Prepare for trouble!" The girl in the skimpy sailor seifuku announced. "Thanks for the warning!" Jack replied graciously and yanked the school's flagpole out of the ground and somehow managed to wield it like a sword. "Don't interrupt us!" The guy in the tuxedo and ballroom mask wailed petulantly while flailing his arms around and stomping his feet upon the ground. "Oh... Sorry." Jack apologized in a sheepish manner, wondering whether or not he really should have answered that way or not. "Anyway... Prepare for trouble!" The female half of the team tried again. "Not for a cuddle!" The male counterpart followed up with. "To protect the school from jockification!" The female shouted as she did a pirouette. "To convince all people of our justification!" The male added as he did the funky chicken. "To denounce the evil of jocks and cheerleaders!" The female said passionately as she did a handstand and began to slap dance. "To extend our influence to the highest bleachers!" The male once again followed the lead of the female as he flew a kite. "Eenie Meenie!" The female announced as her name, her face and shoulder parallel as they faced Jack. "Minie Moe!" The male revealed himself as being, leaning his back against his companion and copying her stance. "We've caught a tiger by the toe!" Eenie Meenie revealed with pride. "Surrender now or we'll let him go!" Minie Moe threatened as he held up Corky by his toe. "Mrr-row!" Corky spat as he hung upside down, then held up a sign that, if held upright, would have said: "Don'tcha know?" The tension in the air was palpable as a crowd of students gathered around Jack and those other people, whispering amongst themselves as they debated the best way to skin a cat. A bead of sweat raced down Jack's forehead. "I'll get back to you about that later." Jack told them calmly and immediately continued his trek toward the school after replanting the flagpole, the other students breaking away from the scene as if they were crud in pipes being washed away by a brand-name crud solvent. Eenie Meenie and Minie Moe fell to their hands and knees and began to breathe laboriously, sweat pouring from their faces like jets from showerheads. "He's certainly a tough one..." Eenie Meenie grudgingly granted in a gasp. "Maybe..." Minie Moe almost allowed. "But we're Team Badpeople! We always get our man!" "Or woman." Eenie Meenie corrected. "Or woman." Minie Moe agreed. A few seconds passed in silence and an errant breeze blew a tumbleweed by the pair. "Now what?" Minie Moe asked his companion as he looked over at her. "I guess we wait until the next..." Once inside the school Jack made his way to a certain area of hallway lockers even as the faint curses of Eenie Meenie filtered into this new scene. He found Melvin Wedgie, his nerd of choice, and began to haggle with him. At first he smiled and offered a packed locker, but then he scowled and gestured with his fist and offered a knuckle sandwich when Melvin had countered with his packed lunch. So Melvin graciously accepted the first offer and was stuffed into his locker after he gave his completed homework to Jack. Fortunately Melvin had learned a long time ago to make his own copy of his homework and thus he persevered and had perfect grades like anyone would expect from a nerd. So unlike those posers who ate Willy Wonka Nerds. They could only dream of being real nerds for no one could become what they ate. At least that was how the theory went. Heading toward his own locker, Jack grinned indulgently when he saw his girlfriend, Mary Bigbazooms, waiting for him, gum-smacking mouth and all. She was the captain of the cheerleaders, a babe among babes. Her flaxen locks cascaded down to the floor and her blue irises within white were like toilet bowls with flush fresheners (Guaranteed to never look unpleasant for two-thousand winks). But she was even more well known for her sexy body, both top and bottom shelves being buxom and the air that frequented the inside of her head. Not to mention how she knew her way around the school so well. "Cock-a-doodle-do!" Came out of Jack's mouth when he tried to greet her. "Oh, you animal." Mary replied coyly and sidled up alongside Jack. "You, like, totally drive me wild, you big hunk of a studmuffin you." Jack puffed up with pride upon hearing her innocent words of passion, Melvin using a bicycle pump to inflate his pectorals for a greater effect. "I so want your cock." Mary breathed huskily as she leaned against Jack's chest and stared up at him with imploring blue eyes covered in mascara, pink eyeliner, eye shadow to match and glitter galore. Jack's throat made an audible gulping sound as his Adam's apple took a short return trip up and down the front of his neck. "Can't that wait?" Jack squeaked out weakly. "Please?" Mary beseeched with pouting, quivering lips and widened eyes whose lids fluttered like the wings of a hummingbird. "Oh, alright..." Jack caved in with a sigh before giving Mary a hug. "I'll do it because I'm mad in love with you, baby." Mary squealed with delight and clapped her hands, which drew the attention of people around them. Those people who had been drawn in watched as Jack stuck his index finger into his mouth and made himself gag. They watched, in shock, as the gesture's meaning made his girlfriend upset. But before she could display her anger verbally she had to hop out of the way when her boyfriend expelled the rooster from his stomach along with his cereal. "Oh, of course!" Mary tittered and tried to hide her mistaken feelings as she gathered up the rooster to her bosom and hugged it, which subsequently unleashed a squishy sound of yuck. "Your cock! It's so cuddly! I could hug and kiss it all day!" Many girls jealously pined to be in Mary's shoes. They did so in secret from the pine trees outside the hall windows since that was appropriate for people who pined. Many boys jealously pined to be in Mary's panties. They did so as they panted and as a group are referred to as panties since that was appropriate for groups of people who were panting. No one ever realized that they could simply buy the attire that they wanted instead of needing to steal it all of the time, of course. Such silly people and their fuddy-duddy ways. "My finger point!" Said the owner of the extended index finger that was long, slim and whose nail was coated in black polish and was just long enough for chocolate digging. Everyone in the hallway turned to regard the owner of the voice and discovered Cassandra Not'entirely. She was of Irish descent and had fair skin with a splattering of freckles upon her cheeks and nose. Her hair was as red and wavy as angel hair pasta lathered in sauce and her eyes as green as the mold that could be found upon a school's mystery meat after it had been left out to ferment for a few minutes. But such natural beauty that promised to hit a man in his weak spot (which was a man's stomach) was enshrouded by a gothic Lolita outfit of black and white. But mostly black. Her attire was full of frills, lace and ruffles; her petticoats were made of crinoline; lighthouse stockings coated her legs; the combat boots on her feet boasted a whole foot worth of platform (for comfortable balance); and she had silken underthings to contrast the vinyl overthings. And to top it all off, adorning her head was a conical hat that had a wide brim. "You!" Cassandra gestured her index finger toward the queasy Jack and the blissfully-ignorant Mary, a grim expression upon her face. "You reek of bad karma! Misfortune shall surely befall you!" A tumbleweed did what it does best and tumbled through the hallway during the ensuing silence. "We'll just have to listen to Karma chameleon and escape its notice." Replied Jack without showing any concern. A tumbleweed once again tumbled through the hallway, though this time from the opposite direction. And it had been chased by a red-and-gold- colored chameleon that wielded a toothpick. Not that anyone ever notices these things. "Mock me all that you want!" Cassandra snarled, glaring daggers that Jack had almost been too slow to avoid when he harnessed his L337 /|\47/*1[|5 5|1Lz. "But it will only come back on you in the end!" With that said, Cassandra shook the school building as she pounded her platforms onto the floor while she walked away in a bowlegged manner, steam billowing from her ears. And soon everyone was milling about the hallway as they had been doing; as if nothing had just happened that had had their attention riveted to the same thing. "Inconceivable." Melvin commented. "No one asked you, nerd." Said Jack as he lifted Melvin into the air by his underwear. Melvin hollered in pain as his privates were pinched, tears gushing forth from behind his whorly-lensed glasses. Catching the faint sound of a blackboard dragging along the floor, Jack placed him down and snapped the red suspenders against his back to encourage him to leave. "Eep!" Melvin yelped and scurried away, soon out of sight. "I, like, don't know about you..." Mary spoke up with an expression and tone of doubt. "But I think something else reeks." Jack glanced down at the cock in Mary's arms while she leveled her gaze in the direction that Cassandra had taken as she had left, both coming to different conclusions as to what reeked and why they did. Neither of them cared about karma. Who would? That stuff was for heretics. "Woopsie!" Mary intoned and then giggled at her own clumsiness, having accidentally allowed the cock to slip from her grasp and fall to the floor. "I've got it..." Jack offered since the cock had moved closer to him as it struggled to get up onto its feet. But Mary had already started to bend down to pick up the cock as Jack bent over for the same task. And then time froze. Stuff, like, stopped moving, man! Corky walked onto the scene on his hind legs, seemingly unaffected by the Limbo that reality seemed to be in. He wore a black-colored ceremonial gown and cap that was for kindergarten graduation, which had a tassel and honor cord that matched the color of his fur. In his right paw he wielded a pointed stick, which he soon began to use to poke and prod Jack and Mary in various places as if they were a projected image. "Mr-row-ow? Meow!" He poked their hips and the lower portion of their backs, lingering a bit longer on Mary's backside than Jack's. "Yow- meow-meow." Tracing a path from their posteriors to their heads he seemed stoic in demeanor as he began a lecture. Yowling like Scuttle from Disney's the "Little Mermaid" would be more precise, but don't tell him that. He gestured to the space between Jack's and Mary's heads and shook his head in exasperation, though why is beyond even I. Ack! I broke the third person. Oops! I did it again! Doh! Britney Spears made me do it, that she-devil she! Everything goes black and you're presented with a notation that states: "Crescent Pulsar would like to apologize for the breach of perspective. And thus I have been sacked and replaced by myself. You notice this because you're reading what's here and feel reassured that what you had read was the truth." Returning to the scene at hand, anyone could see that Corky had just finished his lecture. "And that's why this mind swap is completely and utterly typical." Said a sign that Corky held up before excusing himself through some otherworldly portal. Time then resumed as Jack's and Mary's heads did, indeed, proceed unhindered toward their crowning moment. "Ouchie! That smarts!" Jack spewed, informing us as to how he lost his capacity to keep in his smarts. "Blimey! What a bloomin' onion!" Mary whined, recalling two past lives in her non-wine-induced stupor. And then their heads collided with a mighty, resounding hollow knock. To everyone it came as a bit of a shock as they heard a harmonious chord struck between the cheerleader and the jock, her head like a windsock and his like a rock. Everyone felt fortunate that the improbability of the event hadn't made the universe go out with a whimper since that would have destroyed the discordant harmony and surely would have beset reality with a barrage of every missing left sock. Mary and Jack rubbed their insulted craniums, the former stumbling and falling upon the ground. And the rooster (that was a cock yet not) ran away with the Home Economics' baster, thus finding a means of escaping the story as a device. When they gathered the few remaining amount of wits that they possessed, they looked across at each other and saw themselves. Thinking that they were looking at a mirror despite one sitting and the other standing, they gave each other strange looks. The idea now cemented because of the coincidental synchronization of action they, once again, moved at the same time. This time they lifted and lowered the same arm, but they knew that images appeared reversed in mirrors so it didn't register to them how wrong they were. "Who put this mirror here?" They both demanded at the same time, turning to regard the other students who still lingered around them for some reason. And then a loud bang heralded the presence of the principal when he slammed the bottom of his blackboard upon the floor of the hallway. "What's all this, then?" His blackboard said via chalkglyphics, which everyone had the presence of mind to read despite actually doing other things. The principal was an imposing figure, tall, dark and handsome. Dark because of his African ancestry, tall because of his height and handsome just because. "Because" is the key word here. Because he's a Baptist, that's why. No one ever questions these unintentional mixes of characteristics. Anyway; he wore a suit to appear professional, a clerical collar because it was the newest adultescent trend and his afro could put a drive-through carwash to shame. Whatever that means. Oh, and a stick of chalk hung from his lips like a cigar. When Jack tried to stand up, he lost his balance, fell, and then proceeded to do the following while airborne: a triple sidewinder flip; a double sundae split surprise; ten slippery somersaults of doom; a flounder from down under; and Michael Jackson's grab of the family prize. And then he finished with a spectacular face-plant landing. The students erupted with cheer and held up varying score marks that all meant something along the line of him getting a zero. In some circles that was the best score anyone could get. But those kind of people were backwards in their ways. These people obviously were not those kind of people no matter how much they try to fool people into thinking otherwise. Remembering that could save the life of a kitten one day. It was then that Jack noticed his high-heel-clad feet. "Okay, who slipped a slingback on me!?" Jack bellowed with an erotically-sensual voice that was as high as a choir boy's sans the nads. "Wait, what?" Jack questioned aloud with an expression of bewilderment, noticing his voice. Jack looked down at his body and then up at his body. Seeing two different sets of bodies he could only come to one conclusion. "Holy poop!" Jack exclaimed with a squeak that was akin to a mouse's. "Half of my body is a chick's!" "Like, oh-my-god; half of my body's, like, a total hunkster!" Mary bellowed like a moose. The drama club approached Mary and Jack and presented them each with an award of excellence for portraying two really stupid people in a dilemma. "Enough of this nonsense!" The principal's blackboard seemed to convey like a banshee. The principal then went to work writing up some more things on his blackboard using the chalk that he had had in his mouth, the abrasive relationship between chalk and blackboard sounding like the banshee from before. "Begone from this hallway and stray not from class or I, the principal, will be coming down on yo' ass!" The hallway cleared immediately without a sight or sound. All that remained was the principal, whom continued on his way to his destination as if nothing had delayed him. In his first period class (where he, coincidentally, experienced the pangs of his first period), Jack was distracted as he sat at his desk. Something just didn't seem right. It might have had something to do with seeing his body sitting at Mary's desk (that was one row back and three desks away), but what really bothered him was that he couldn't walk. On his way to class he had to crawl on his hands and knees because, even after taking off the high-heels, he kept losing his balance for some reason. One moment he would be an evil wench and the other a benevolent fountain of tears. He suspected that it had something to do with his first period. Stupid math always gave him headaches and nausea, scrambling his brain and all that. Seemed to be worse than usual, though; and class hadn't even started yet even though the clock indicated that the period was in session. Mary, meanwhile, was going frantic over the disappearance of her pretty clothing and body. She was relieved that she didn't have any symptoms caused by her period, but those cuticles... Those bland and square nails! The horror! But no matter how harried her thoughts she seemed to control herself and not create a scene. It was like her emotions just didn't want to make the effort to make it to the surface because they were lazy. Even though it was the time of the month where her emotions were more active and out of control. When she sought comfort from her boyfriend by drinking in the sight of such a studly specimen of a man as he was, she was confused when, looking back at her, was herself. Jack and Mary spent some time staring at each other, knowing that something was wrong but neither could put their finger on it. Well, not in a public setting anyway. But at least Mary felt a little better after winning the staring contest since she usually lost, her eyes always all aflutter and all that. Jack sulked, feeling as if his manhood had suffered a terrible blow because he lost to a girl... That was a guy... But wasn't that him? Confused, he lost control of his emotions and scratched out the eyes of the boy sitting next to him while screaming "Bloody Mary." Nobody seemed to notice as the boy screamed in agony and fell onto the floor, covering the gushing voids on his face while rolling around. What people do to try and get attention, but the senior class was made of seasoned veterans and were wise in the ways of such childish behavior. They were aspiring adults, after all. Better to not encourage such behavior by acknowledging it. The principal made his appearance, dragging his blackboard into the room with him. He silently made his way to the desk at the front of the room and soon stood behind it, his back toward the class as he regarded the greenboard on the wall behind the desk. In an instant he tore the greenboard off of the wall and tossed it, like a frisbee, out of the classroom windows. Which had yelped and opened all on their own to allow its passage, beads of sweat flying from their frames. After setting up his blackboard where the greenboard had once been, the principal began to write a message upon it. "Mrs. Randy couldn't be here today." The whole class moaned with lament. "She had to go to a pedagogue to become a real pedagogue because of her sin against all of you innocent youths. She didn't go to a synagogue because that was what had led her to sin in the first place." The whole class moaned with lament. "So I will be her substitute." The whole class moaned with lament. "But worry not, my students. Behind the eyes of your principal is the light of his all-comprehending knowledge and blessed be those who witness his miraculous work!" In a whirl of blurry limbs, the principal spun around like a tornado. His suit and underthings flew from his body like so many cows as they lowered to the ground while they fell. When he was finished he stood in the same kind of sexy outfit that Mrs. Randy would wear. Something akin to what a prostitute would wear only made to fit his bulky and non- curvaceous frame. The whole class sat in silence and used cricket stand-ins to do the lamenting for them. It sounded very soothing in an annoying way. "Ah, I knew this would work." The principal excitedly scribbled onto his blackboard. "I knew that using the psychology of familiarity would do the trick." Out there... In the world somewhere... A frog croaked. "Dude, this so sucks. Now we'll have to do mathematics instead of sexual education." One anonymous student whispered to another anonymous student. "Now, then..." He began to write upon his blackboard. "We have two new transfer students that are starting today. Let's give them a warm welcome." Two people, one a lad and the other a lass, stepped into the classroom upon seeing the principal's beckoning gesture. The lad was dressed in a Japanese school boy's uniform while the lass was dressed in the girl's equivalent. They soon stood near the teacher's desk and faced the class. "They prefer to go by the names of 'EM' & 'M.'" The principal wrote on his blackboard. "Posers!" An anonymous student (that wasn't either of the other anonymous students) accused. The principal spit out a new stick of chalk and chucked it at the anonymous student as if it were a shuriken, hitting said anonymous student and making their head explode into so much eraser dust. How much chalk a chalk-chucker could chuck if a chalk-chucker could chuck chalk depended on the chalk-chucker's caliber in chalk-fu. And the principal had a blackboard in chalk-fu. "So..." The principal began to write without missing a stroke. "Is there anything that you would like to share with the class before I begin today's lesson?" "Yes." EM, the lass of the two, replied. "I have long, wavy, fiery red hair that's wild and free... My eyes, they're as blue as the birth control pills that I take in the third week... My lips are as luscious and plump as leather beanbag chairs... My countenance is as divine as an angel's behind... I'm svelte, curvaceous and my skin is as fair as a lynching... My measurements are: thirty-four-hips, twenty-two-waist and thirty-four-chest... The funbags I possess can get three cups of milk per jug..." "What she said." M, the lad of the pair, followed her lead automatically. "Well, there you have it." The principal wrote as EM walloped M over his mullet with a mallet. EM and M then proceeded to go to their desks as they bickered under their breath. Class began in earnest and all of the students were disappointed. But none would dare to try and convince the principal to abandon the lessons that they were supposed to have. To do so would be folly. As jolly Molly had found out when she had been caught playing with a dolly. And now she was deaf forever because of the principal's Banshee Stroke technique, a technique feared throughout the school. Molly had been lucky to still have her head intact afterward. After piecing it back together like pieces to a puzzle, that is. Jack was confused. Math had been tough for him before, but now it was impossible for him to even understand what that cross-looking sign was. Perhaps it was an X taking a step? And the actual X was a midstep. So the dash sign must be the path that it walks on! And one of the other signs was a slide with a long platform at the top! He giggled like a hyena on a frying pan and watched the mathmatical adventure unfold from one sign to the next. He ignored the numbers because he had no earthly idea what they meant. Mary was happy. For once she could understand math! Well, some of it. She figured out that when two ones get together they have twins. And when twins double-date they have quadruplets. She didn't know how she could have missed understanding such a sexual and reproductional aspect before, but now she knew that numbers were just literary depictions of people. Subtraction, she figured out, was a person or group of people murdering others. She wasn't quite sure about what the other signs meant, though. But she certainly felt better finally understanding something about math. By the time that class had ended several students had smoke billowing from their ears. The principal was unsympathetic as he moved on to the next classroom, his blackboard once again being hauled along with him, by him, for him. The barren wall (that he left in his wake) screeched about the indignity of it but, unfortunately, no wall whisperers attended the school so that its needs could be attended to. That's what happens when you make movies about other whisperers and inspire a new generation through trend and incentive. Now every man wants to be a woman whisperer like Mel Gibson and every woman wants to be a high- ranking executive of an advertisement agency. Go figure. "Mary..." Jack began as he met his girlfriend in the classroom between classes, his voice tinged with worry. "Jack..." Mary said afterward in the same manner. "I think something's wrong." They both said together. "You do?" They both replied at the same time. "Mary..." Jack quickly interjected so their responses wouldn't again be intersected. "I have a feeling that we're not in Kansas anymore." "But we've never even been..." "I know, I know." Jack interrupted, making Mary pout. "But do you get the feeling that, well... I don't know... That we're not exactly ourselves?" A little lemming walked into Jack's left foot and kept walking into it. "Now that you mention it..." Mary voiced with a tone that suggested a hint of suspicion. They both looked down at themselves, then Mary reached over and poked one of Jack's bazooms. "Ack!" Jack yelped, covering his offended chest out of reflex while at the same time regarding Mary with realization in his wide, saucer-like eyes. "Jack..." Mary began, her voice quavering. "You're not a mirror..." "And I'm stacked!" He added, going into hysterics. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...!!!!" "Oh, are you two quite finished?" A new voice at the head of the class raised its voice to interrupt Jack and Mary's ARGHfest, sounding exasperated. Jack and Mary looked over at the teacher and blinked, looked back at themselves and blinked, then looked back at the teacher and blinked. They didn't know what to do. And when had their second period teacher become a rainbow monkey? Where was Mr. Rogers? The bell yodeled, announcing the start of a new period. Jack and Mary didn't have much choice other than to sit through and handle another class. The bell and the principal compelled them. Especially the principal since he just had that certain... Charismatic quality about him. And so they waited for an opportunity to do something about their situation, sitting through one class after another. One class after another. One class after another. One class... The phonograph gets a sound kick from some mysterious force. For Jack the experience was both wonderful and terrible at the same time. His body seemed to have a mind of its own and demanded that he gave a lot of head, so he ended up throwing his head around like the headless horseman every time he saw a man. It certainly proved to be a disturbing and disgusting experience, having to fly around after a target and kissing them on the lips. The lips of men... Yuck! And then there was how he could be nekkid in the girl's locker room and showers and not be able to do anything about it. About what? He had nothing to do with the about of it! But, on the other hand, being friendly with the other girls had been fun and insightful... Mostly insightful. He'll have to remember that Sandy Keller's favorite sport was basketball. The more he knew the better his chance of scoring. Also, while his body was generally achy, emotionally imbalanced and he had been unable to walk on his feet for most of the day without falling, he felt like he had more power than he ever had. Though what form that power came in escaped him entirely. But Mary... "Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!" Mary laughed at the end of the day, her arms raised in a bowlegged manner. "Mary, let's figure out how to get us switched back..." Jack urged, a worried look on his face. Most of the students leaving the school via the front courtyard didn't pay them any mind. They had already maxed out their brain cell accounts in school. The last thing that they needed was to go into debt. And taking out loans was as retarded as it sounded. "No!" Mary bellowed adamantly, flexing her pectorals. "Me strong now! Feel so good! Let go of I won't!" "But!" Jack began to whimper. "Silence!" Mary shouted angrily and jabbed her big toe at Jack rudely. "I am man! You woman! Know place!" Jack collapsed to his knees and wept into his hands. He didn't want to be a girl! How could such a sweet and loving babe such as Mary do this to him!? "Jack, how could you do such a thing!?" Melvin made his presence known, showing what little bravado that he could manage to protect the beautiful girl of his dreams that didn't even know of his existence. "You keep your damn toes off her!" "Melvin?" Jack wondered as he looked up at Melvin's backside, absently hoping that he didn't become a victim of crud vapors. "Mistake!" Mary proclaimed haughtily and gave Melvin a wedgie, raising him high into the air. "Feel my power! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!" "Yeeee-ouch! I'm feeling it! I'm feeling it!" Melvin wailed as he struggled to relieve some weight off of his crotch. "Unhand him, you foul football fanatic!" A duet of voices demanded from across the courtyard. "Ugh?" Mary grunted unhappily, not liking the distraction from her fun. "I am Eenie Meenie!" A girl announced as she leapt into sight from behind a camel, displaying her sailor seifuku-clad identity. "And I am Minie Moe!" A boy announced as he leapt into sight from behind Osama Bin Laden, displaying his tuxedo-clad identity. "And together we're Team Badpeople, your greatest foe!" They claimed and took up matching offensive stances that may or may not have resembled a drunken ostrich posing as a llama. "Waaaaaaaaaagh!" Melvin screamed as he was tossed away by Mary into the great blue beyond, where he almost forgot to make the customary sparkle with his refractory mirror. Mary glared at Team Badpeople. She was very angry. So angry that her nostrils flared, showing her teenage mutant ninja boogers. "Who you?" Mary demanded. "Didn't we just..." Minie Moe began but was interrupted by a smack upon his top hat that came from his companion. "Nevermind that!" Eenie Meenie told him. "It doesn't matter! We have a duty to perform and it doesn't matter if his brain's too small to remember as far back as this morning." "What!?" Mary roared, making the ground shake and some crags and fissures to form. "Now we strike!" Eenie Meenie declared, which elicited Minie Moe to take action alongside her. What followed next was a one-sided beating carried out by Mary who, like a bull, proceeded to rush in with eyes glowing red and steam pouring from every orifice of her body. She was in a berserker rage and Team Badpeople, no matter how hard the kick or punch, or ticklish the feather, just couldn't put her down. In moments they were bruised and battered, their breathing haggard as they knelt upon the ground and looked up at their gloating opponent. "Me too strong! Give up!" Mary suggested with a smirk as she looked down her nose. Jack sat on the sidelines, tear tracks on his cheeks reflecting the midday sunlight. He wanted to do something, to help, but he didn't know which side to aid. He didn't like what Mary had done, but he reasoned that he didn't want to injure his body in the case that he got it back. By the same token he didn't want to help her either and thus his indecision. He just hoped that she lost without putting his body into a cast or something. Eenie Meenie and Minie Moe regarded each other and nodded, their expressions firm with resolution. They then stood and, though a bit unsteady on their feet, faced Mary. "Think you've won, have you?" Minie Moe spat. At that moment Melvin flew back into the scene with a rocketpack on his back, and in his arms he held Corky. Corky, that rascal, had been flirting with some cloud nymphs. What substance he was on to get him that high was a mystery that Melvin was going to solve. Just to add that to his vast knowledge about things, of course... Though there would have to be experiments... Tests... Confirmation. Oh, yes... Confirmation... Heh, heh, heh. The tumbleweed tumbled between the fighters, reminding the narrator of the current scene. "Melvin? You're okay?" Jack asked said person, seeming to be relieved. Maybe not. "You too weak." Mary countered. "Could blow over with breeze." Maybe so. "Ah, yeah..." Melvin replied sheepishly. "I'm alright. How about you?" Hey. "But we're not done yet!" Eenie Meenie growled. That's better. "I'm okay." Jack replied with a smile. "Thanks for trying to stick up for me." Would you make up your bloody mind, damn you! "Ugh." Mary grunted, unimpressed. "You have nothing left. Give up." "That's where you're wrong." Eenie Meenie replied, smirking. "Yeah, watch this!" Minie Moe added with a smirk to match his companion's. Jack and Melvin turned their attention to Team Badpeople when they bent their knees and began to yell at the top of their lungs. Blue energy covered their bodies like bonfires and Corky pulled out a synthesizer to handle the "whooshing" sound-effect that it made. The ground began to crack and crater around the pair as rocks and debris began to float around them, a gust of wind emitting from their energy that swept away the litter in order to clean up the environment. "What you do?" Mary asked warily, her body tense and ready to act. "We're trying to bring it out..." Minie Moe replied, his voice strained due to the effort of what he was trying to do. "Bring out what...?" Mary queried, confused. "Our... Limit breaks." Eenie Meenie supplied, her voice as stressed as her face seemed to be. "Gasp and alarm!" Mary exclaimed, wondering why she expressed herself with dialogue. "Impossible!" "And I thought that they had constipation." Melvin quietly delivered to Jack, who giggled upon hearing the remark. Melvin was in Heaven. "Yes!" Team Badpeople cried out as they relaxed and let their energy field die down. "'Yes?'" Mary questioned since there was no longer any build-up of power. "Feel the power of our combined limit breaks!" Eenie Meenie crowed merrily. Mary could only stare in wide-eyed amazement as the duo cupped their hands together at the base of their palms. Energy seemed to gather within their hands, causing her now-hirsute body to tingle as her body hair stood up as straight as a lightning rod. And then they both began to activate their limit breaks. "Sticks...!" Mary had thought that she had been strong. Strong enough to do what she wanted instead of following in the footsteps of men. "And...!" Mary had thought that it would have been great to have the freedom and the power of a man without any of the inconveniences that a woman has. "Stones...!" But Mary had wasted those privileges by abusing them. Now karma was going to bite her back. Team Badpeople pushed their hands outward and from the palms of Minie Moe sticks erupted while from Eenie Meenie stones came forth. The two beams that consisted of sticks and stoned converged on Mary and she was brutally pummeled with a barrage of bone-breaking things. She sang to the tunes of agony. And once the attack finished she was on the verge of collapsing, her skin black and blue all over, eyes swollen shut, nose busted and groin thoroughly... Attended to. "Now for the coup de grace!" Eenie Meenie declared, taking charge. "Go for it!" Minie Moe cheered. "Whuh... What the...!?" Jack gasped as he was grabbed by his feet by Eenie Meenie and held aloft. "Hey! What are you doing!?" Melvin demanded, trying and failing to catch Jack's flailing arms as he followed. "The cheerleader needs to get what's coming to her, too!" Minie Moe supplied happily. "But...!" Melvin tried to change their minds, but it was too late as Eenie Meenie had already begun to swing Jack like a baseball bat. "Take this, you non-rebel scum!" Eenie Meenie proclaimed as she connected Jack's head with Mary's. "Noooo...!" Melvin howled as he ran to the discarded body of his goddess, not caring about the blast that was made as her boyfriend's body hit the school building. "Well, I guess our work here is done." Minie Moe commented. "For now." Eenie Meenie corrected. "For now." Minie Moe agreed. Squatting, Team Badpeople released a mighty hiney hooligan and blasted themselves off into the sky. And in such a manner they flew backwards from whence they came from. "Mary...? Mary? Please be okay!" Melvin said, choking up as he did so. Melvin held her head in his lap, hoping that the large knot on her head wasn't anything serious. He found himself fortunate that he could stay with her since a few others had witnessed what had happened and had called for the paramedics. After a few minutes Melvin heard Mary groan and that perked him right up with alertness and a ready smile. When she looked up at him and his smile, she blinked. They blinked again, slowly, before a disgusted look came upon her face. "Like, ewwww!" Mary groused as she sat up, then winced and rubbed the extra head-sized mass on the side of her head. "Mary...? Are you okay...?" Melvin asked softly, somewhat confused and hoping nothing was wrong. "Get lost, loser!" Mary told Melvin callously, then winced when her injury throbbed. Melvin didn't know what happened, but he knew that he was now in Hell. He could feel the demons rending his flesh from his back. Actually, it was Corky using Melvin as a scratching post. But he only did so because no complaints came forth about it. Later that night... At the hospital two red, glowing eyes burned brightly behind the visor- shaped hole of the head belonging to a full-body cast. It appeared ominous, indeed. "Like, can you totally forgive me?" Mary asked meekly for what could have been the first time. So much for karma. And yet... Alongside the highway a rectangular object stood erect while trying to hitch a ride. It had an upraised thumb drawn on its chest and it held up a sign that read as "Chalkwood." Soon a tractor trailer stopped for it and opened its passenger-side door. "Hop on in, kid. My route takes me past there and it won't be any problem to drop you off nearby." Said the non-descript driver. The greenboard happily hopped onto the passenger seat, buckled up, and dreamed of being a star on the silverboard. Unfortunately they ran into aliens in the Mariana trench and were taken to their secret base on Europa to undergo unimaginable experiments. Which means that nothing happened except that everything ceased to exist there. Say "thank you" to whomever's over-reactive imagination stripped the moon of our intrepid duo and everything else on it and ending the story prematurely because they imagined nothing there just because the experiments were unimaginable. People take things too seriously. They should loosen up. At least now they should because they deserve an anal probe for what they have done. ___ Daryl Darkfellow did not appear in this story because, not only had he skipped school, but he had also skipped the story. That's how much of an evildoer he is. ___ GAME OVER