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A Time of Hope by Karen Page "Trumpets sound and Angels sing..." The sound of the rejoiceful congregation filtered out into the early crisp evening air. The lights from the church beamed out their hopeful message of acceptance and forgiveness. It was the season of peace and goodwill. For one unlucky soul, the light that filtered out through the stain glass windows offered no comfort. The light had provided enough glow for the attackers to see them. Now lying bleeding and badly bruised, the thin clothing providing no protection in the winter chill, couldn't move and had to just lie there and wait for help. The singing finished and in a cheerful mood the worshipers gradually filed out to go home to their heated houses. More than fifty people walked past the bundle of rags on the way to their cars. The body was partly hidden by the shadow of the church hall. Not one person stopped to look or investigate the gentle moans. Thoughts of 'oh another drunk' or 'I've not got time to look' plagued the minds of the righteous. Eventually a young single mother, with her five-year old daughter approached. "Mummy, Mummy, there's someone over here," shouted the little girl as the light from the church was switched off, plunging the area into semi darkness. At first, Sarah had thought that her daughter had just seen some clothes that somebody had dumped into the churchyard. However, a small groan and weak cough made her rethink. Her first thought was to rush back to the church and get help. When she got there, it was all locked. Everybody had gone. There were no phone boxes in the area anymore as it was rural and not many people would use it. The last one had been removed due to vandalism and lack of demand. Everyone had mobile phones. Everyone but people like Sarah, who could barely afford to provide a warm meal for her daughter. "Everyone's gone," Sarah informed the injured person. "Do you live far? Can I help you get home? Do you need to go to hospital?" "I've only got a few bruises," croaked the weak male voice from the ground. "I live about five miles away. My car is in the car park" "Well, that's too far for you to walk," said Sarah as she helped the man to his feet. "You can hardly stand now, let alone drive." "Why don't you bring him to our house?" suggested Naomi. Sarah was nearly sick at the very thought. Being five, Naomi didn't have the idea that inviting a stranger home would not be a good idea. The memory of the rape, that had created Naomi, was still too fresh in her mind. "We can't," Sarah whispered. "We did the story of the Good Smarty Man. He helped a stranger." Sarah inwardly smiled at her daughter's naivety and innocence. If only life was so true. "The man in The Good Samaritan took the injured man to a hotel, not his home." Naomi didn't say anything. She just held her Mummy's hand and looked helplessly at the faint outline of the injured man. Sarah was a good person, who just wanted to help. For a fleeting moment that desire to 'do the right thing' overrode her fear. "I live just round the corner," said Sarah. "Let's see if we can get you there and see how hurt you are." The closer they got to her house, the more fearful she became. The thoughts that she might be violated again were growing step by step. As the outline of the house became visible through the dark unlit evening, Sarah was beginning to tire. The man wasn't that heavy, but it was still taking all Sarah's strength to virtually carry the man who could barely stand. "Naomi, can you take the keys from my bag and open the door?" asked Sarah. "Yes Mummy," said the little girl. Some days Sarah struggled with her daughter, but today she was so proud of her helpful girl. Naomi found the keys and unlocked the front door to their small rented house. Running in first, she turned on the light so her Mummy could see where she was going. Sarah inwardly gasped when she saw the man she'd been helping. The first thing she noticed was that he was wearing women's clothing. The torn remains barely covered his bruised body. "Ooh, look Mummy. It looks like the man has been playing dress-up." "Naomi, go to my bedroom and pull back the bed covers." Naomi skipped off and had done it when Sarah appeared with the man. Not only had the little girl pulled back the covers, she'd actually moved the dirty washing basket out of the way. After giving the man some painkillers, he slept soundly in her bed. She would have liked to get an ambulance, but didn't want to leave the house with a stranger under the same roof as her daughter. Besides the church, the nearest house was a good ten minutes walk. If she lived next to somebody else, then the ambulance would have been here by now. Sarah was concerned about how ill the man looked and nervously checked on him several times during the night. When dawn broke onto Christmas Eve, the man didn't stir. It wasn't until late that afternoon that his eyes flickered open. "Welcome to the land of the living," Sarah said, warily from the door. "Thanks," winced the man as he moved position. He tried to sit up, but was soon lying down, as the pain was too much. "I think you should go to hospital." "NO!" he quickly said, his voice sounding fearful. "I'll be okay. I should just go home." Naomi, who had been standing next to her Mummy asked, "Do you play dress up?" "What?" the man stuttered. "Like I do with my dollies," explained the girl. "Tina at school has some dressing up clothes like fairies and princesses outfits." "Naomi, I think you should let the man rest. He had a nasty time yesterday and needs a bit of peace." "Yes Mummy. Can I go and play dollies?" "Of course." "I must apologise for my daughter," said Sarah to the man. "By the way, I'm Sarah and the little bundle of joy is Naomi." "I'm James. Thank you Sarah for having the heart to help me, even in the condition I was in." "It'd never pass someone who'd been assaulted," said Sarah. James thought there was more to it than Sarah was admitting to, but knew it wasn't his place to enquire. He was just grateful that he was alive. "I should really go home." Sarah walked fully into her bedroom and taking a deep breath, shut the door. "Are you worried because of the way you were dressed?" James again tried to sit up so he could get out of bed. Again the pain was too much and he collapsed on the bed. "Look, my daughter just thinks you were playing games with your dressing. I'm more worried about you getting better. Don't you think that you should go to the hospital? They won't care." "I work at the hospital. I would never be able to show my face again." "Ah. Then you will stay here for a few days, till you are well enough to go home." "I couldn't do that to you. It is Christmas and you probably have plans." "Apart from going to church tomorrow morning, then nothing else is planned. You can't go home till you can at least move." For the rest of the day James mostly slept, giving his body time to recover. Apart from the bruises, he appeared to be mostly unharmed. Naomi wanted to help check on the guest, but Sarah was very firm that she could only go into the room when accompanied with her. The next day was Christmas Day and James was left snoozing while Sarah and Naomi went to church. There were a lot of people that had gone to the Carol Service two evenings ago. She listened to see if anybody mentioned James, but all she heard were snooty comments on how the area was going downhill and that the vicar should do something about keeping the area free from drunks. Sarah thought about saying that the person wasn't a drunk but an assault victim. However, she didn't have the guts to stand up to the people. All her confidence in life had been sucked away when her body had been violated. The vicar did have the confidence, which became apparent during the sermon. "Last night two men were arrested. They'd been drinking and had bragged about assaulting someone in our churchyard while the Carol Service took place. There were some off duty policemen in the pub who were having a drink and overheard. They promptly arrested the men. Before today's service, I heard that people had seen the assault victim and not assisted him. I don't think I would call people who ignore others in plight Christians. Today is about the birth of Jesus who died to forgive all our sins. I hope that people remember the message that Jesus gave us all about loving your neighbour and turning the other cheek. He never discriminated against other people, including the sick, prostitutes and even tax collectors." Sarah went home, not having told anybody at the church. She didn't want others to think she was a hero and she also didn't want to expose James. She thought James had enough trouble in his life and wouldn't want the members of the church trying to be righteous. "James, do you feel up to having some Christmas dinner?" "That would be nice, though not too much. My body still feels like a punch bag. Since I've not eaten much in the last few days, I doubt I'll have much of an appetite." Sarah went into her wardrobe and removed an old battered and faded pink dressing gown. "Sorry about the colour but it's the only one I have." "You saw what I was wearing before. It doesn't upset me in the least." As Sarah helped James out of the bed and into the lounge, it was the first time he'd seen where he was being looked after. It became very obvious that Sarah wasn't very well off. He gently eased himself into the chair, trying to not put pressure onto his still sore body. Sarah had been kind enough to put some type of cushion onto the wooden seat to ease the discomfort. When Sarah brought the food across, her portion was barely bigger than Naomi's. It was something she'd saved up for months to afford. James thought it would appear ungrateful if he didn't eat it all, so he slowly cleared his plate, even though it was far too much for his shrunk stomach. "What's up?" asked Naomi, seeing tears in James's eyes. "I'm just very thankful you let me stay. You have both been very kind to me." He didn't want to cause embarrassment by mentioning how poor they were. They might have been poor financially, but their hearts were full of gold. James stayed for just over a week before Sarah was happy for him to go home. The bruises still looked bad, but there was no worries about his general health. "Your clothes were ripped and I don't have any male clothes," said Sarah. "I have some female ones that would probably fit you. Would you be okay with that?" "I think so," James tried to laugh, but the bruises on his chest made it too painful. "You don't look too bad," said Sarah, when James was dressed. "What is your femme name?" "Julie," he replied. "You are very accepting about this and seem to know a lot about it." "Well Julie, I have a younger sister called Emma, who was born male. Are you a cross-dresser or are you transgendered?" "I don't know. I wish I did. I see a psychiatrist to discuss things, but it so scary to go forward." "Well take your time about it. It's pointless rushing and making a big mistake." "You don't look that old. How old is your sister?" "She's thirteen. I've not seen her for a few months now as she got accepted in a school with accelerated learning; she has already passed one GCSE and that was top grade. She was always the brain-box in the family. You look very passable, but would you rather go when it's dark?" "Is that a problem?" "Don't be silly. Naomi would be over the moon for you to stay longer. She hasn't had so much fun, you playing with her and giving her all that attention." "You've done very well raising a child like that all by yourself. Are your parents close by? Do they ever help?" "My Dad wasn't happy with me because I got pregnant so young, so I moved out. They only live in a farm about six miles away. The only contact I had was with my little sister who used to come and see me. Since she's gone, it's just me and Naomi." "Come and sit down," said Julie as Sarah was starting to get upset. He was glad Naomi was at a friend's house. "Naomi wasn't planned, was she?" "No," sobbed Sarah. "I've only seen that face on one other person before. You were raped, weren't you?" "Yes," answered Sarah in a very small voice, her head hung with shame and humiliation. "I presume your parents don't know?" "No, they were always getting at me for dressing in clothes that showed a bit too much flesh. They would have just blamed me for being raped." "What about the police." "I couldn't. I was fifteen at the time and didn't feel I could tell anybody. In fact you are the first person I've ever told." "Well you aren't to blame. You didn't ask to be raped. How you dress is just an excuse that the rapist uses to get off. Most judges and juries now ignore that excuse. I take it you've never been able to be close to a man since?" "I've had Naomi to take care of." Julie just looked at Sarah in disbelief. "Okay, okay, I get frightened if men get too close. Are you happy now?" "No, but admitting it is a step in the right direction. Really what you need to do is get counselling about it." "But it was nearly six years ago." "So? You still have issues you need to talk about. I'm a nurse, not a councillor. Your GP should be able to refer you to someone." "Really?" "Yes really. When you are ready, you probably should tell your Mum. It would probably be too hard for you to tell your Dad." "I've no idea why I'm telling you all this." "Probably because I'm here and listening. I doubt you would have told James. You have put your life on hold because of the actions of somebody else. Don't let him win. If your sister is clever enough to get a GCSE at thirteen then I'm sure you could do something with yourself." "You think so?" "Yes I do." Sarah dried her eyes and had composed herself when her bundle of joy came bounding back into the house. Her friend's parents had dropped her off. "Ooh, is it dress-up time?" Sarah was about to say something, but Julie crouched down so she was as tall as Naomi and said, "Yes, it's great fun to dress-up, isn't it?" "Will you play with me?" "Of course Naomi, lead the way." By five it was dark. "It's time for me to go," said Julie. "Do you have to?" whined Naomi. "Thank you so much for looking after me," said Julie to both of them. "I'll bring back these clothes later." As Sarah watched Julie disappear out of the house, her stomach began to ache and she felt her eyes become slightly damp. "Mummy, will we ever see him again?" "I hope so," replied Sarah, feeling she had a direction in her life again. "I really do." They never saw James again. As James walked into the hospital the next day, he got a lot of stares and he noticed some began to whisper excitedly behind their hands. He presumed it was just the awful greenish-yellow bruises that adorned his face and gingerly made his way up the three flights of stairs to where he worked. As he entered the small staff area he noticed to his horror a picture of him as Julie with the words 'Beware of the Freak' in large red writing. He quickly tore it down and threw it in the wastebasket. He'd recognised the picture as being taken just before he was attacked. 'How did they find out?' James thought to himself. 'How could they have known?' A few other nurses and doctors were sympathetic, but there was a lot of taunting and teasing. One nurse even said, "I see you got attacked. It serves you right. People like you don't deserve to live." Just before lunch Moira, the ward sister called everyone together. "We are all supposed to be professionals and this morning I've seen nothing professional about you. Yes it seems that James got attacked and he looks a mess, but that doesn't give you an excuse for the rest of you to be tardy. It also has come to my attention that there are rumours floating about regarding James dressing up. What James and all of you do outside work is your own business. I don't want to see any more pictures up and any more comments about it on work premises. We are here to look after the patients. Do I make myself clear?" 'Oh that was very helpful,' thought James to himself. He might be okay now in his work department, but as soon as he went home he was just as much at risk. When it came to lunch he made his way to the staff canteen where he thought it would be safe. When he got there his life just got worse. He used to sit on a table with some other male nurses. He noticed that the table had someone else there making the table full. He was shunned from other tables and he sat alone, staring out of the window at the murky winter day. James was so relieved to go home. Normally he loved his job, but today was probably one of the worst in his career. The sniping and teasing had become less as after Moira's chat but there was still the underlying tension. A giggle as he walked past or the way people avoided him. It was like he was contagious. It was seven that evening when trouble again flared. James had eaten his tea and had settled down to flick through the hundreds of channels to discover there wasn't actually anything worth watching. Banging on the front windows interrupted his general malaise. It gave him the fright of his life. When he went to investigate there was nobody there. As soon as the door was shut and he returned to the lounge, it started again. After thirty minutes of harassment James turned off the light, hoping that just ignoring them would work. It didn't. James lay on the settee, with a blanket covering him, praying that they would just go away. When a brick came through the window, covering his lounge with shards of shattered glass, he called the police. "Let me take some details from you Mr Harper," said the young policewoman. "When did the trouble start?" "About seven. It started with bangs on the window and doors. When a brick came through the window, I decided it was time to call you." "Well when I arrived, I looked around and didn't see anybody. Let's hope they've gone home. Now let me take your statement and get you a crime number." "Crime number?" "It is a unique reference number. You will need to quote it when you put a claim through your insurance company." After what seemed nearly an hour of form filling the police left and someone appeared to board up the window. After that ordeal, James decided to go to bed. There was no time tonight to drop of the clothes Sarah had kindly lent him. Sleep didn't come quickly as the gang reappeared and James quivered with fear under his plump duvet. It was after three in the morning when they'd gone and he got to sleep. With only a few hours sleep he felt worn out even before he got to work. Work was no better than the day before, in fact it was probably worse. A photocopy of the photograph had reappeared and Moira, the ward sister just said to ignore it. At lunch he was still being ostracised, not that he felt like eating anything. Finishing his lunch early his mind began to cloud and he started to cry. His nice life was over. He couldn't bare the thought of going back to the ward where nobody seemed to care for his feelings. He was even more scared of going home. The memory of the thugs that terrorised him was too recent in his mind. James didn't know how, but he found himself standing on the hospital roof, looking out at the scenery. As his eyes scanned the horizon he looked towards where Sarah's house was. In those few days he'd found a world of happiness, a world of acceptance and a world of tenderness. Here, in a world which was supposed to be loving and kind, he'd just found hate and loneliness. It was so tempting to climb the barrier and let himself fall over the other side. A few seconds of freefall and it would be all over. Sure there would probably be regret as he fell, but it would be too late to worry. The pain of the last two days would be gone and with it the confusion of his short life would also be ended. It was so easy to do. A few rungs of the barrier and it would all be peaceful. As he climbed the barriers, a sense of relief washed over him. He wouldn't ever have to tell his family about Julie and the people at work would soon forget about him. As he was about to swing his leg over the top his eyes again saw the rough area where Sarah lived and their faces as he left their house. He stopped and after a moments pause, he jumped. As he fell, he became more satisfied with the choice he'd made and landed, with a thump, back onto the hospital roof. The vision of Sarah and how he'd given her hope to move on with her life had made it clear to James that he needed to move forward with his own life. Suicide was not an option. Sarah had saved his life for a second time and she didn't even know it. When he arrived into the ward he had a smile on his face, which even the sight of the photograph in the staff area couldn't dampen. Instead of tearing it down, he grabbed a red felt-tip pen and wrote, 'I have much better photographs. If you want I can bring them in for you all to look at'. With the lack of apparent concern for the teasing, it diminished as quickly as it had started. Some people tried to continue, but they soon found that they got more reaction from teasing others. "Moira, can I have a word?" asked James as he poked his head into her office. "Of course. Come in and shut the door." "I have a few things to ask, but it's going to be hard to say." "Well take your time. I'm not going to bite. Before you start, I want to say how well I think you have handled the situation. Yesterday was very difficult for you and the staff. This afternoon you seem to have got a handle of the situation. I thought the comment you put about the photo's was very funny, it certainly shut a few people up." Over the next thirty minutes James discussed what he wanted and Moira was only too willing to help. "I will fill in the forms and speak with the relevant people. Come and see me before you go and I should have everything you need." During the afternoon James heard that Moira had called a meeting just after shift change. Everyone from this shift and the next were to attend, apart from James. It was late on the afternoon of New Years Eve that Julie turned her footsteps towards Sarah's house. The light from the lounge filtered through a crack in the curtains, lighting up the path to the front door. Julie would have loved to ring to make sure that it was convenient, but since Julie didn't have a phone, she just had to chance it. Julie swung the doorknocker and a few moments later a face peeped between the curtains to see who was visiting. A child's squeal of delight was heard and the door swung open. "Hello Sarah," Julie said. "I'm returning the clothes you let me borrow." "Thanks," smiled Sarah. "Why don't you come in?" "Are you sure?" "Will you play dollies with me, Uncle-" started Naomi. She stopped when she couldn't remember the name. Sarah leaned down and whispered something in her daughter's ear. "Will you play dollies with me, Aunty Julie?" "I'd love to," Julie beamed. The girl had never been taught that men don't dress-up in female clothes, so just accepted that I was Julie. With two adults playing with her, Naomi was having the time of her life. As it got near teatime Julie said, "I think I should be going. Would it be okay if I come tomorrow? I'm on an early shift, so finish about two." "Oh Mummy, please say yes," shouted out Naomi. "I think that would be nice," said Sarah, trying not to smile in glee. "You were kind enough to give me some of your Christmas meal. Would it be okay if I bought a few things with me and cook New Years Day tea?" "Are you sure?" "I'd love to. What does Naomi eat? Are there things that you don't like?" "Naomi has had a big experience with food. What we have is normally cheap, though I've always found it cheaper to make my own that get ready made. I got a bigger variation when I was growing up on the farm, though it wasn't extensive as my parents weren't rich. Things like rabbit was things my Dad caught." "I think something like rabbit might be a bit strong for Naomi. I'll do something simple, but fun." "Do you have to go?" moaned Naomi. "I'll be back tomorrow. If you want, you can help." "Help cook?" "Just think of the fun of being able to get yourself in a total mess without being told off," Julie bribed. Sarah just shook her head, wondering if Julie realised what she was letting herself get into. The night-time harassment died down. Not as quickly as it had at work, but there weren't bricks flying through the window. Without the worry, the preparation for the next day was a lot less frantic. Moira had done a great job at making sure everything was perfect. The next day Moira was waiting in reception and accompanied her nurse up to the ward. The ward might have been busy, but all the staff were waiting round the nurses' station. "Everybody, I'd like to introduce Julie Harper. I want to just remind everybody that Julie has legal protection and will be treated as a woman by everybody here. Any discrimination and that person will have a written warning and for a subsequent offence, be sacked." Julie was anxious about how she would be treated, but things went a lot easier than she expected. Some staff avoided Julie, but that was the exception. There had been a lot of patients admitted to the ward so the staff didn't have time to gossip. The warning about patients coming first still rang in their ears. "I'm sorry about the way I behaved the other day," apologised Tina as they took a small break. "I thought you were mocking women. I hadn't realised how important this was too you." "It's very important. I've battled this for years and I doubt I'd have had the guts to transition if I hadn't been outed." "Did you feel that wrong as James?" "I survived. I certainly wasn't happy, but I was more worried about how people would react. After I was attacked the person who found me was very kind and caring. The way she got on with her life after all the issues to deal with, she has was a strong ideal to follow." "So are you going to get your thing chopped off?" "They don't take an axe and chop it like a tree. It is a very delicate operation where it is inverted." "So are you?" "Probably. I'm now living full-time as Julie and I will see if that is enough. I'd rather avoid an major operation if I can." "Why don't you come to lunch with me and a few other girls?" I was glad that I'd decided to formally transition. As soon as I'd informed Moira I was protected under the Sex Discrimination Act. I couldn't be sacked for it and the hospital had to make sure that I wasn't forced out because of it. Due to work pressure, the time passed quickly and the first day working as Julie ended. She quickly left the building and went home to grab the supplies needed for the meal. Sarah had done a lot for her over the last two weeks and she wanted to give something back. "How much food have you bought?" asked Sarah as she helped unload the boxes out of Julie's car. "I wanted to make sure I had enough. There aren't any shops open today and it's a few miles to my house." "What are we going to make?" asked Naomi excitedly. "You'll see when we've got everything inside," Julie said, stringing the little girl on. "Do you by any chance like chocolate?" What a silly question to ask a five-year old, especially one who only got chocolate as a special treat. "So how was your day?" Sarah asked as she took the last box into the kitchen and tried to stop Naomi from searching for any sign of chocolate. "Work was a lot better than it has been recently. I'll tell you about it tonight. Now Naomi, if you look in the bag on top of the box your Mummy just brought in you should find an apron in your size." Naomi pulled it out and her face beamed with pleasure. Today was like another Christmas to her. "Right now let's wash our hands and cook our surprise pudding, while your Mummy sits down and relaxes." Sarah opened her mouth to protest, but Julie gently steered her to the settee. At that point Sarah gave up protesting and went with the flow. She wasn't used to someone else cooking and she certainly wasn't used to someone pampering her. "Okay Naomi, everything we need should be in this box," said Julie getting a box from the side. "But that's got breakfast cereal in it?" "When we're finished, it won't be anything like what you would have for breakfast. While I get a pan ready, can you break that bar of chocolate into bits? It might be hard, but they don't have to be small bits." Twenty minutes later, the finished chocolate rice-crispies were being put into the fridge to 'cook'. "Can we do some more?" pleaded Naomi. "Not now, we have no more room in the fridge. But as the cook, you get to lick the bowl." "Can Mummy help?" she asked after running her finger across the inside of the bowl a few times. Her mouth was covered in chocolate. "Why don't you go in there with the bowl and see?" A squeal from Sarah, that sounded horrified but still delighted, filtering into the kitchen was the only indication of the situation. As bit later Sarah appeared in the kitchen, some chocolate on her top lip. "You enjoyed?" "Mmm." The meal was a success and so was the pudding. After Naomi eventually went to bed, Sarah and Julie sat down to relax. "You bought far too much food," started Sarah. "I did, didn't I? Though there were no shops open if I'd forgotten something." "I'll help you take it back to the car after." "Don't worry. There is only me at home and there are two of you. Why don't you keep it and enjoy it. It would only go off if I took it home." "Are you sure?" "I wouldn't have offered if I wasn't." Sarah took a sip of her coffee, trying to pluck up the courage. Julie noticed and waited. After a few minutes Sarah asked, "Have you started to transition? Did you go to work as Julie?" "Yes, I went to work as Julie." "I thought you would sooner or later. Was this a one off or something longer term?" "Does the term Real Life Test mean anything to you?" "Yes, so are you planning on living as a girl or becoming one?" "I don't know. I'm hoping that I'll find out as I go through the process." Julie took a deep breath and said, "I was hoping that we could start seeing more of each other. Does me being Julie stop that?" "I don't think so," Sarah replied. "Because I was young when I had Naomi, I never got a chance to find out what anything more than a schoolgirl romance was like. You're the first person I've ever got excited about since." "I don't know what to say." "All I ask is that we take it slowly," pleaded Sarah, the hurt of six years ago flashing though her eyes. Then she gave a small giggle. "This morning I told my Mum that I'd been raped. She was shocked and didn't say very much. Now she will have to deal with me appearing to be a lesbian." As Julie left to go back to her house she wanted to give Sarah a kiss, but hesitated, not knowing how she would react. "Come here," said Sarah and gave a small two-second kiss. It was all she could manage, but it was a start. That festive period, two lost souls found each other and a new happiness took root. The pains, buried deep inside both souls, began to heal. As they both grow, leaving their pain behind, would they stay together? Perhaps, perhaps not, but the Christmas Spirit was happy that they'd been given a chance to live once more.