Joan's Room Chapter 1 free porn video

Joan's Room by Darla Raspberry Chapter 1 A New Beginning Ring!...Ring!... I awoke from a deep sleep. Sam's arms and legs were draped over me possessively. He was dead to the world. I carefully extricated myself and reached over for the phone to answer it. The red numerals emitted by my alarm clock told me it was now 1:50 AM. Something must be wrong! "Hello?" I said with a raspy voice into the phone. "Joan?" Recognizing her voice I replied, "Yes Mom, it's me. What's up?" "Joan, do you know where Sam is?" my mother asked. I almost burst out laughing as I realized the reason for the call. "Yes Mom, she's sleeping over here. Are you all right?" "Your Aunt Alice has been worried sick about her," Mom informed me. "I guess we should have called you and told you of our plans. Sam and I got wrapped up in a video game and she didn't want to go home to an empty house," I lied. "So you're both all right then?" she asked with some concern in her voice. "Yes Mom, we're both fine. When are you coming home?" "Well, that's the other reason I called," she said mysteriously. "I'm going to be spending the night at Alice's. Are you sure you're ok?" she asked me. "I couldn't be better Mom," I replied honestly. Thankfully Mom didn't ask precisely where Sam was sleeping. "I'll see you in the morning then?" I asked her trying to get some handle on the time frame of freedom involved here. "Yes Joan, I should be home by ten o'clock." "I love you Mom!" I exclaimed in a whisper. "I love you too Joan," she replied before hanging up. I put the phone back on the cradle and turned my attentions to the sleeping hulk lying next to me. Thankfully, my bed was full-sized and there was just enough room for us both to rest comfortably. Sam... He was both beautiful and handsome. I laid there watching his peaceful sleep. He was angelic in appearance. At last I could no longer resist the urge and gently placed a few kisses about his face. He squirmed a bit at that and pulled me closer to him. I found myself unable to believe that he was here and sharing my bed. I began worrying and wondering how I'd ever be able to sleep alone again. In his arms was where I belonged. His hands began wandering slowly about my body. The feelings of bliss were simply indescribable. He began gently kissing me. As he awoke, his kisses became more definite. For the briefest of moments, I thought I'd discovered the meaning of life. The revelation was fleeting as Sam's passionate embrace brought me completely back to reality. "I love you Joan," he whispered solemnly. My entire being was doused in passion. I answered his declaration with a kiss. Soon he assumed his rightful position and once again we made love. Two souls melding into one. I wish I had the words to describe the rapturous feelings that pervaded my being. He was tender and gentle with me, yet, he conquered me with deliberate strength. Once again I found myself worrying that this night would soon end. "I love you Sam," I said as I arrived back in the moment. "I've always loved you," I continued. "We were made for each other," he said smiling down at me. I'm not sure what made me happier: my own feelings or the fact that Sam both understood and shared them. He drifted back to sleep as I gently rubbed his back. His skin was so smooth I couldn't believe it. I began weeping softly. True tears of joy escaped my eyes. I found myself wishing that this night would never end. Sam fell soundly asleep. I was in awe of his ability to do that after what had just happened. I continued to caress his back. My hunger for him was insatiable. His arm and leg soon found themselves draped over me once more: protectively and possessively. I fell asleep in his embrace. Sadly, a new day would no longer be denied. I was awakened by Shandy's paws scraping against my bedroom door. "Just a minute girl," I whispered out to her. I couldn't believe it. Sam looked as though he could sleep till noon or beyond. I slipped out of bed as quietly as possible and put on some clothes. Shandy waited patiently for me to attend her needs. I looked back at Sam one last time before exiting. In my absence he had replaced me with Teddy and Josam both. I smiled at the gentle picture his image had painted for me. I prepared myself as I opened my door. I knew Shandy would try and enter my room and I quickly grabbed her and pushed her back out into the hallway. "Come on girl, let's go out." She followed me tail wagging down the stairs. I was still overflowing with joy. "I love you girl!" I exclaimed. "Woof!" she replied. That could only mean one thing. I either opened the door to let her out or run for the mop to clean up her mess. I let her out. She was out the door like a bullet. I checked the kitchen clock. It was just turning 9:00 AM. The poor dog, she wasn't used to waiting this long to take care of her morning business. While Shandy busied herself outside, I went and put a pot of coffee on. It was then that I decided to bring Sam breakfast in bed. I found myself worrying about Mom's return and quickly concocted a story of having slept on the floor should she return and find Sam in my bed. I scrambled some eggs, made some toast, got the butter and jam and made my way upstairs. I wasn't sure how Sam liked his coffee, so I brought the cream and sugar too. "Wake up sleepyhead," I announced as I made my way into my room. "Whuh," he replied. I laughed aloud. "Time to get up darling," I said again. He opened his eyes this time. He surveyed his surroundings as if trying to figure out just where he was and what was happening. "I've brought you breakfast Sam," I said in the softest voice possible. He smiled at me as I attempted to deliver the tray to him. He almost knocked everything over as he reached for me. "Not now big guy!" I told him. He fixed his pillows properly and allowed me to place the tray on his lap. "Is everything to Sir's satisfaction?" I asked him eagerly. He smiled at me in return and grabbed the cup of dark brown liquid. "Yes Miss, everything is perfect" I melted in happiness. I watched carefully as to how he prepared his coffee. He didn't! He drank it black, just as I did. I knew I loved something about the guy, I thought and laughed at the absurdity. He made short work of my offering. I swear he treated those two eggs and four pieces of toast as an appetizer. "Has monsieur had enough to eat?" I asked, enjoying the role I was playing. "Yes, and thank you Miss. My regards to the chef." "Shall I prepare your shower for you?" I asked him in an attempt to get him out of my bed before my mother arrived home. He surprised me by replying, "Yes Miss, you may." I went into the bathroom and adjusted the water temperature till it was slightly on the warm side. "Your shower is prepared Sir," I told him when I'd finished. With that, he removed his body from my bed. Muscles rippling everywhere. He was a true joy to watch. "Will Sir be requiring any assistance?" I inquired. "Just make sure there's more coffee ready when I'm finished," he said and laughed again. I left Sam to his shower. I took the tray and checked the room carefully. Yes, my bed sheets were soaked with blood. I was amazed that we'd been able to fall asleep in that pool. I stripped my bed and was thankful for the mattress pad underneath. I quickly rushed the sheets to the basement not searching for any other articles. Today they'd be washed with bleach. The load started, I made my way back to the kitchen. There was plenty of coffee left for Sam and me to share. We'd really become one. The fullness that surrounded my being made my body sing. I sat at the kitchen table awaiting his arrival. I sipped absentmindedly from the cup of black coffee in front of me. I'd taken another of Mom's cigarettes from the pack on her night stand. I was certain she'd notice but at this point. I didn't care. I lit the cigarette, sipped my coffee and waited for Sam to arrive. It was 10:15 when he made his way into the kitchen. There was still no sign of Mom. I was beginning to get worried. "You've become addicted to those things, haven't you?" he asked me. "What?" I replied not processing his comments. "Nothing," he said. "Enjoy your coffee and cigarette," he said sighing. I had no intentions of wasting the evil weed as I continued smoking and drinking the black beverage. It was now 10:30 and with Mom still not home, I decided to call Aunt Alice's. After several rings she picked up the phone. "Peters' residence," she said. "Good morning Aunt Alice," I said brightly. "Is my mother awake yet?" "Joan, is that you?" "Yes," I informed her. "Er, she's out at the moment, I'll have her call you as soon as she gets back," she said and quickly hung up the phone. There was obviously more going on here than I was aware of. As I put the phone back on its cradle, I walked over to Sam and kissed him gently on the cheek. "What's that for?" he asked me. "That's for loving me." I swear he turned several shades of red at my comment. "What do you want to do today?" he asked. We had the entire day to spend together. Tomorrow, would begin a new life for me: a carpenter's apprentice. I was eagerly looking forward to my new job. "Well, if it were earlier I'd suggest we take Shandy for a walk on the beach. It's too late for that now. Could we go to the beach anyway?" I asked him. "You know, as boyfriend and girlfriend?" I asked again hopefully. "If that's what you'd like to do sweetheart." I was whisked away in the moment. "Why don't you run home and put your suit on and I'll get ready while you're gone?" I said to him. He offered no resistance to my suggestion. "I'll be back in fifteen minutes. You'd better be ready." Sam gathered up his belongings and made his way across the street. I ran up to my room and pondered just what to wear. Should I don John's bathing suit? Should I wear my sexy new red one? I knew what I wanted to do and after a moment's consideration, it was no contest. I put on my new suit and sadly filled the cups with the breast forms. I wished that I had breasts of my own to fill out my bathing suit. I could do this for now, but I knew that some changes were in order. I figured that Darla would be the most logical person to discuss my needs with. I grabbed a blanket, a towel, and my shoulder bag filled with my makeup and other necessities. Sam hadn't been lying. He was indeed back in fifteen minutes time. "Are you ready girlfriend?" he asked as he entered without knocking. It made no sense at all, but I felt like I hadn't seen him in weeks. I practically ran down the stairs, nearly falling head over heels in my flip flops. "Sam!" I exclaimed as I ran to greet him with a hug. The big guy seemed completely at a loss. That was all right. I was just glad that he was here with me. He seemed more than a bit embarrassed to be wearing a one piece bathing suit, though he had it covered with another new sport shirt. "This is who I am Joan," he said sadly surveying his own body. "Sam, you look fantastic!" I said with feeling. "You don't look so bad yourself" he replied. Hmm, now he was stealing my lines? "Did you see my mother when you were there?" I just had to ask. "Your mother?" he issued repeating my comment. "No Joan, sorry, she wasn't there." I found myself worrying about Mom. I couldn't just leave without attempting to contact her. I dialed her cell phone number. "Mom?" I said as it was answered. "Huh?" her voice greeted me in return. "Are you all right?" "Yes Joan, I'm fine." I then reminded her of her intentions of being home by 10:00 this morning. She told me that she'd met another friend and spent the night at her house. Yeah, right, I thought. This conversation was bringing me down. Putting all such thoughts out of my head, I informed her that Sam and I were off to the beach. "I'll see you later this afternoon then?" she replied. I felt so damned sad all of a sudden. "I love you Mom," I said achingly. "I love you too Joan," she replied and disconnected our chat. I found myself in a downward spiral. Just what was going on? "Are you ready to go now Joan?" Sam asked me. I sighed aloud. "Sure Sam, let's get out of here." My mood brightened as we neared the beach. "Do you have your pass?" I asked him. "I've got mine, do you have yours?" he asked me. The daily cost of admission to the beach in season was $5.00. Four annual passes were granted for residents. Sam held my hand as we walked to the ocean. Although we had passes, we still had to wait our turn in the queue. "When are you getting your hair cut?" I asked him as we waited in line. "Tomorrow," he replied matter of factly. "I've got an idea about that," I said with some authority. "What are you talking about?" "Well, your hair is quite long and beautiful," I told him as I prepared for the punch on my right arm. It wasn't long in coming. "And?" he questioned. "And you should try to preserve it if you can. There are kids with cancer in need of human hair wigs. Let me cut the bulk of it off, ok?" I begged him. He smiled at me. "Of course Joan!" he exclaimed. "What a wonderful idea!" This would be a win/win situation for all involved. Sam would get his short hair and some needy kid would be able to traipse about not having to suffer the inundation of questions regarding his or her condition. "Just one more reason why I love you." "I just knew you'd want to help if you could," I told him sincerely. Soon we were on the beach. It was a glorious summer's Sunday and the beach was crowded with people. "The downside of living here," I thought aloud. Sam hearing my remark laughed in agreement. There was no point in attempting to walk anywhere to escape the crowds. I really hated having to share my beach with the encroachers. Sam sensing my displeasure arranged our blanket neatly and as far away from the crowd as he could. It was a fruitless task. He laid our blanket carefully on an open spot. We looked like a normal couple, but we were both wearing one piece bathing suits. He decided to repel as many as he could with a kiss. He pulled me close to him and kissed me full on the lips. The family of five that had just finished setting out their belongings moments before we arrived gathered their things and moved on in disgust. I laughed out loud. "Now if you could just do that with everyone else in attendance," I said as I continued laughing. "We really need to find a more deserted beach," he said laughing. There were other beaches available, but we'd have to ride a bus and then buy beach passes. I had no intentions of parting with my money that carelessly. Sam then asked me if I'd brought any sun tan lotion. I removed the bottle from my bag and he laughed again. "So that's what those things are for?" "You want me to put this on you or not, Mr. Smartass?" I poured a thick glob of the white goo in the palm of my hand. I slowly massaged his shoulders with the formula. He actually seemed to be growing! His shoulders were massive. I could feel the tension continue to dissolve as I gently rubbed the lotion into his soft and tender skin. "That feels so nice," he said in a dreamy voice. "Enjoy it sport," I replied. "When I'm finished you're doing me!" "Aren't you going to do my legs too?" he said when I'd finished his back. "I think you can reach those on your own darling," I said by way of a reply. He took the bottle from the blanket and finished the job. "Ok, now your turn!" he exclaimed. I closed my eyes as he began massaging my shoulders. I couldn't help myself. I began moaning in pleasure as his fingers gently caressed me. "If you want me to continue this Joan, you're going to have to quiet down!" he admonished. I noticed that surrounding couples were eyeing us carefully. Not just because of my moans. It was unusual for two who appeared "somewhat" as girls (the only clue to Sam's gender being the one-piece bathing suit) to become intimate with one another on our beach. I giggled slightly and told him to just keep at it and to take his time. I closed my eyes again and focused on the sensuous feelings engulfing my being. His strong hands continued their task. No one had ever loved me like this before. Suddenly, he handed me the bottle and told me I could finish up the rest myself. I could tell that he didn't want to stop. I just knew he wanted to rub the creamy liquid into my inner thighs. The stares of the invaders were more than he could handle. "Thank you sweetheart," I said in a soft voice. He shrugged his shoulders and I planted a big kiss on his cheek. "Wait Sam! You need something for your lips!" I said laughingly as I pulled the tube of lipstick out of my purse. "Are you totally insane?" he asked with a touch of sincerity. "You're just figuring that out?" I replied as I put a fresh coat of "rose" on my lips. "Want to try some Sam?" I asked in a teasing voice. He tackled me with the open tube in my hands. I was furious! My lipstick was now coated with sand. I shrugged it off, threw the tube on the blanket and did my best to take control of the situation. "You're not going to get the best of me again," he said. "Don't be so sure," I replied coyly. Finally he had me completely pinned to the blanket. "Uncle!" I screamed. He let me go staring in every direction. The look in his eyes told me he was worried that we'd be arrested for indecent play on the beach. The small group of boys that had gathered to watch us seemed disappointed when we stopped. "Show's over. Go home!" I yelled at them. Sam laughed at me and shook his head. "You really are a nut case, Joan," he said to me. "Well, I'm crazy about you," I whispered into his ear. His entire body shivered at my tone. "You want to hit the water?" he asked me. The water temperature was still quite cold, but as it was officially summer, there was a fair crowd in the ocean. "Sure Sam, why not?" I said and jumped up off the blanket urging him on. I extended my hand to help pull him up. Not sure why I did what I did next. He took it and as he attempted to stand, I threw him forward using his own motion against him. He almost landed atop a couple that had perched nearby. I laughed at him as he struggled to rise. The look in his eyes was one of complete determination. "Oh Shit!" I exclaimed and began running for the water. I was knee deep in when he tackled me from behind. "Girl!" I exclaimed in an attempt to placate him as I arose. He laughed with me. He wrapped his arms around me oblivious to the crowds surrounding us. "I love you Joan," he whispered as a wave came crashing down on our heads. "Still girl," I replied as we recovered. He smiled at me knowingly. He pulled me even closer as the waves continued to pound our bodies. I couldn't imagine ever being happier than I was at that moment. It just wasn't possible. After a time, he held my hand and ushered me back to our blanket. Thankfully, our belongings were still there. I really was worried about my purse "disappearing". In years past, there had never been any concern for such things. But, with the crowds these days, well stuff did disappear on occasion. "So, what's the plan for the week?" he asked me back in serious mode. I told him that I had to be at Mr. Ferris's house at 9:00 sharp tomorrow morning to start my new job. "I just can't see you working with wood," he replied and began laughing. "Well, whether you can see it or not, that's what's happening," I said firmly. "What about you? What are you up to tomorrow?" I asked. "Well, I have to be at the field tomorrow at 2:00 PM for tryouts" he informed me. I'd completely forgotten about Sam's hopes to play baseball for the county team this summer. "You ready for that?" I asked him. "You could help me practice if you're of a mind." "Anything for you sweetheart," I said and meant it. We were so lucky to have each other. It almost seemed like a fairy-tale existence in a way. I hoped that we'd always be this happy. At that particular moment, I thought of my father and Sam's Dad too. Such thoughts made me realize that we can only count on ourselves for happiness. Everything else is a bonus. Damn, I missed my Dad. Would he accept me for who I was? I sincerely doubted it. That didn't matter to me anymore. I was and always would be "Joan". I smiled as I thought that Dad would indeed be calling me "Miss" from now on. Well, assuming I ever saw him again. I'd been quiet for quite a long time. "Are you all right Joan?" Sam asked me. "As long as you're by my side I am," I said sincerely. "Then you always will be," he said and kissed me tentatively on the lips. "I'm hungry Sam!" I shouted and changing the subject. "What would my lady like to eat?" he asked me. I couldn't resist such an opportunity. "You!" I replied and he laughed. We gathered up our belongings and made our way to the boardwalk. The line of those waiting to get on the beach was actually longer than when Sam and I had arrived. "You really should enter the 4th of July ski ball tournament," he said out of nowhere. I was stunned on hearing this. Sam actually admitting that I was better than him at something? Who was this person? "Maybe," I replied. "You really think I have a chance?" I asked seriously. "If I didn't, I wouldn't have brought it up," he said matter of factly. This was indeed a brave new world. Sam no longer felt the need to best me at everything. Or, was there something else going on here? "You've already signed up for it, haven't you Sam?" I asked and laughed. The guilt in his eyes shone through and he grinned at me sheepishly. "All right then, you're on!" I said, never one to refuse a challenge. Unfortunately, the tourney was held at one of the arcades that charged twenty-five cents a game. "After we eat we can have a preliminary match," I said with much bravado. "Speaking of food, what would you like to eat?" I asked him as my stomach started to seriously rumble. "I'm in the mood for a sausage, peppers and onions hero," he replied. Now there was an expensive lunch. I had thought about treating, but, this would be a bit much on my very meager budget. "Don't worry Joan," he said. "We can each buy our own food." I looked at him sadly knowing that I couldn't afford such a simple lunch for both of us. "Hey? Let's go get some pizza instead," he offered hopefully. The sadness of the moment wouldn't leave me. "Come on Joan! I have to eat something," he implored forgetting about everything else except what was for lunch. The brief exchange had literally killed my appetite. I walked with Sam as he placed his order for his sandwich and drink. I had no idea where Sam got his money from or just how much he had, but he never seemed to be without. I resolved then to be the best worker Mr. Ferris had ever had. I sat with Sam and watched him as he devoured his sandwich. "Aren't you hungry?" he asked me. I was but decided to wait till I got home. "I'm fine Sam," I said smiling at him as I did so. I hadn't been on a scale in some time, but I was sure that I was losing weight. I thought that was fine, but I found my eyes looking down at my chest and wishing that I'd gain some weight there. "I really need a nap Sam," I said as he finished up. "Sounds like a plan," he said as he rose and took my hand. We began walking back to our street entrance. "What's your favorite number again?" he asked me out of nowhere. "Two," I replied without thinking. He walked over to one of the few wheels that still offered tobacco as prizes. He put his quarter down on number two and seconds later the huckster announced that "we" had a winner. The attendant eyed us both carefully. I had to admit that I looked far older than Sam and took charge of the situation. "What's your pleasure Miss?" he asked me. "Virginia Slims," I informed him. "Regular or menthol?" he went on. "Menthol," I replied. "Of course," he said and removed a carton from the shelf. "Next time you two play this wheel, bring some ID," he said handing me the carton. An entire carton of cigarettes! What the hell was I going to do with them? "Why did you do that Sam?" I asked him. "If you don't want them, then give them to your mother," was his only reply. "No, I'll keep them, and thank you Sam," I said. I was beginning to think that he took some vicarious pleasure from watching me destroy my lungs. "Well, are you going to have one then?" he asked. We went over to an empty bench and I removed a pack from the carton. What if someone saw me carrying these things home? I sighed aloud. "Let me light it for you," he said as he removed the matches from my bag. "Sam, thank you, but don't ever put your hands in there again," I said motioning to my bag. He looked hurt by my comment. "It's alright Sam, I was only teasing," I replied as I dipped the end of the tube into the flame. He seemed relieved by my statement and we sat there watching the crowds go by. "You want one?" I asked him. He looked at me like I was nuts. "I'm in training, remember?" he said seriously. I took some of the smoke into my lungs and kissed him. He choked when he realized just what I was doing. I couldn't help but burst out laughing. "You minx!" he exclaimed. I knew we could get through anything together. Being Joan was important to me, but keeping my man happy was more important still. He was more important to me than anyone I'd ever known. I sat there and continued smoking. Sam's strange fascination with my actions wasn't lost on me. "I really do need a nap Sam," I said to him at last. "I'd almost forgotten," he replied absentmindedly. We gathered up our belongings. I put the open pack in my purse and wrapped the carton in my blanket. We made our way home. "What time should I pick you up later?" he asked as we arrived at my door. "Well, I have to see how Mom's doing," I informed him. Mom, I'd totally forgotten about Mom. Was she home? Was she ok? "Tell you what," I said. "I'll call you in fifteen minutes and let you know." He reluctantly released me and made his way across the street. "Mom, I'm home!" I said as I made my way into the house. No reply at all. Not even a "woof" to greet me. I ran into the kitchen almost afraid of what I'd find. It was empty. I ran upstairs and opened Mom's closed bedroom door. Had it been open when I left this morning? I couldn't remember. I opened it softly. Mom was asleep under the covers. I can't begin to explain the relief that washed over me. What would I ever do without her? All selfish thoughts aside, I knew that this was a woman I loved and respected. I heaved a huge sigh of relief as I carefully closed her door. She could sleep as long as she needed. I hid the carton of cigarettes in the back of my closet and made my way downstairs. The coffee pot was empty and turned off. I guess I should have noticed that earlier. All by itself it told me that Mom was home and all right. I made my way into the basement. I removed the sheets from the dryer. Had it really been just hours ago that Sam and I had made love? All signs of the previous night's activities had been removed from the bed coverings. I held the sheets and pulled them to my nose. I wished that I'd been able to save them as they were. The loss of our youth was contained in the fabric. I folded the sheets carefully and brought them up to the kitchen. Although they'd been cleaned, I decided to save them. I'd save them forever. I loved Sam so! Just then, I heard a woofing outside the back door. "Shandy!" I exclaimed as I opened the door to let her in. "Woof!" she replied as she hurried past me to her water dish. I poured my self a cup of orange juice and sat down at the table. Shandy came woofing over to me yet again as if she wanted something else. "What is it girl?" I asked her. She ran over to her empty food bowl and began knocking it about. I couldn't help but laugh. "Hang on girl," I told her as I filled a clean bowl with food. I sat there finishing my juice and remembered that I'd promised to call Sam. It was now after 4 PM and I had no idea when or how long Mom intended on sleeping. "Sam," I said as he picked up the phone, "I'll be over at 6:30 sharp." He laughed at that and told me I'd better be. My mission accomplished, I cleaned up the kitchen and made my way up to my room. My bed was bare. I removed the sheets from my closet. The ones with the floral print that I'd never used. Mom thought they looked nice and bought them for me. I'd thought she was crazy when she first showed them to me. Had she known even then? I smiled as I removed them from the plastic wrapper and placed them on my bed. It looked so inviting when I was finished. I couldn't resist lying down for just awhile. I fell asleep without ever having set my alarm clock. I awoke to my mother's voice. "Joan, are you all right?" she asked. "You can't sleep all day," she said. I laughed at that. If it was true then what had she been doing all day? "I'm fine Mom," I told her. A quick glance at the clock told me it was just after five. I wanted to ask her if she had indeed been at Aunt Alice's, but decided it might be better not to know. "Did you have fun last night?" I asked her. Her face was filled with mixed emotions. It was as though she wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. "It was an interesting evening," she replied cryptically. I was intrigued by her reply and wanted to know more, but I'd leave that up to her. If she spent the night with some guy other than my father, I definitely didn't want to know. In fact, I'd have cut her off if she'd tried to share such a thing. Thankfully, she didn't go there. "What do you say, shall we share a meal together?" "Sounds like a plan Mom," I replied remembering my promise to be at Sam's by 6:30. "You really like being a girl, don't you Joan?" she asked me in an almost sad tone. In the past week or so I'd come to take it all for granted and a puzzled expression showed on my face. Rather than respond to her question, I found myself surveying my room and realized that I'd have to make some changes. This definitely was not Joan's room. "Yes Mom, I do. I know now that it's who I was meant to be." The look in her eyes ran the full gamut of emotions. I saw in them happiness, sadness, and yes, fear. "It's all right Mom," I said and gave her a hug. "Shall we just enjoy the moment?" I asked pleadingly. "Get dressed girl," she commanded. "We're going out to eat." She didn't have to ask me twice. As I got dressed and did my makeup I realized that I couldn't look like John if I'd wanted to. The breast forms however, were a constant reminder of who I really was. I felt angry and ashamed as I slipped them into my bra cups. The charade aspects of being Joan would have to end and have to end soon. Somehow, the determination to achieve my goal comforted me. I would not go on merely pretending forever. "Where would you like to eat?" Mom asked as I finished putting on my eye makeup. I smiled at her reflection standing behind me in the mirror. "Wherever you'd like," I responded secretly hoping that she'd pick a steak house. "I feel like breakfast," she said at last. Oh well, I'd told her it was all good for me. I laughed and replied, "Then breakfast it is!" I put on my pumps and made my way downstairs. They made me feel older and more sophisticated somehow. I can't really explain it. Mother and daughter soon made their way to the car. It wasn't long before we were standing in front of the podium at the pancake house waiting to be seated. "Smoking or non-smoking?" the hostess asked. "Smoking," Mom replied. As she said that I found myself looking down at my purse. I really wanted a cigarette. The waitress came and escorted us to our booth. "Would you ladies like something to drink while you look over the menu?" she asked. Being addressed as a female had become second nature to me at this point. "Coffee would be nice," I said. Mom echoed my sentiments. She quickly reappeared with two cups and filled them. Then, she placed the remainder of the pot in front of us. "I'll just give you a few minutes then," she smiled and left. I was amazed as I realized the difference a server's attitude could make to the enjoyment of a meal. It seemed beyond obvious, yet the thought had never occurred to me before. Mom finished adding cream and sugar to her coffee and deftly removed a cigarette from her purse and lit it. I was going crazy as I watched her sitting there drinking her coffee and smoking. She could read the hunger in my eyes. "Sorry Joan, but you know you have to be eighteen to smoke. It's the law," she said with finality. I gave her a look which suggested she was far off the mark regarding my hunger. I focused my attention on the menu. I'd learned something else from my dining experiences. To order anything other than the "house specialty" was to order something beyond mediocre. I decided to go with the big breakfast. We placed our orders and Mom sat there talking about my new job which I hadn't even begun yet, while we waited for our food to arrive. I grew comfortable discussing my plans for the summer. Everything just seemed so much more relaxed now. "So, what did you and Sam do last night?" she asked me. We made mad passionate love till daybreak, I wanted to respond. "We played video games and went to sleep," I told her. Realizing that it sounded like a giveaway I added, "Well, after you called she woke up and we went downstairs and got something to eat." It felt very strange using feminine pronouns when referring to Sam. "You really like her Joan, don't you?" I looked at her quizzically. "As more than a friend," she added for purposes of clarification. "I love Sam, Mom," I told her. "He's my life," I said emphatically. The look of concern that crossed her face was impossible to describe. I'm not sure if she was more worried about the fact that I loved Sam or whether I'd referred to him in the masculine. "Just be careful Joan," she implored. Our food arrived. Oh my god, had I really ordered so much food? The mere sight of it all was causing me to lose my appetite. Three plates were spread before me. Mom gave me a look which suggested, "I told you so." We thanked Dana profusely for her prompt service and began to dig in. I decided to eat a bit of everything. There was so much food before me that mere tastes would fill me up. It didn't take long before my stomach felt about ready to explode. I'd had more than my share. I sat there and watched Mom as she continued to eat. "Eyes bigger than your stomach?" Dana intoned as she returned to retrieve our plates. "I guess so," I responded. "Besides, I'm watching my weight," I laughed. She nodded in agreement and asked if I'd like her to pack the rest away in a "doggie bag". I thought that was extremely nice of her and told her so. Well, at least I'd have a good breakfast tomorrow morning. Mom finished her food and had yet another cigarette. I did my best to ignore the whole procedure. I succeeded. It was closing in on six thirty as we left the restaurant. "Mom, I really need to get home!" I begged. "What's up?" she asked me. I told her that I needed to help Sam practice his pitching. "Practice his pitching?" Mom asked. I laughed and explained the entire situation to her. "I'm glad you're my daughter and not Sam," Mom said and laughed. Somehow that statement made me uncomfortable. I finally decided that my relationship with Sam was the best that anyone could ever hope for. We were best friends and lovers. I ran in the door the moment Mom pulled into the driveway. I was going to be late. I decided that it would take more time to call him than to just change. I grabbed a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and threw on my sneakers. I nearly somersaulted down the stairs. I grabbed my catcher's mitt out of the closet and told Mom I'd be home before dark. Ten minutes late. I hoped Sam wouldn't be too annoyed with me. "Come on Sam," I screamed as I knocked on the door. "You're late!" he yelled back. "Thanks for noticing," I replied. He appeared at the door and we made our way to the park. After my last experience there I didn't think that I'd ever play baseball again. I had a hard time shaking the sad memories. "Are you ok Joan?" he asked me. "Yeah Sam, I'm fine," I smiled in return. Although I was wearing boys' clothes, I no longer felt like one. It almost felt like I'd forgotten how to throw a baseball. After a while, those strange sensations slipped away and Sam and I were once again two kids having a game of catch. "Ok big guy, give me some heat," I said as I pounded my mitt with my right hand. Sam went into his windup and released the ball. I caught it, then dropped the ball and my mitt on the ground wincing in pain. "What the hell was that?" I cried as I gently rubbed my palm. "You wanted my fast ball," he said and laughed. "I need to take a break," I said, not wanting to let him know just how bad my hand hurt. My hand turned bright red and was starting to swell. Oh no! I was supposed to start work tomorrow. That was the end of my baseball playing. "I'm sorry Sam," I said to him. "No, I'm sorry Joan," he said in reply. "We'd better get you home and get your hand soaking." What the hell was happening to me? I'd been playing baseball with Sam since I was five years old. "Let me kiss it and make it all better," he said and laughed again. I simply glared at him. As we were leaving, the hapless trio was making their way into the park. "You want to go and practice with them?" I asked him. He looked briefly in their direction and then sadly in mine. "Would you mind?" he said at last. Oh well, if I hadn't meant it, I shouldn't have made the offer. "Go ahead Sam," I said. "Call me when you get home." "Hey Joan! Don't you want to play ball with us?" Billy laughed in a taunting manner. He'd seen me there holding my hand in pain. The last words I heard as I made my escape were from Sam telling him he'd better knock it off or he'd do the same thing to him. I must have caught the ball the wrong way. The resulting injury shouldn't have happened. I arrived back home by 7:30. "What are you doing back so soon?" Mom asked as I walked in the door. I motioned to my left hand and made my way up to the bathroom. I filled the sink with cold water and sat on the edge of the tub with my hand immersed in it. Mom came in a few minutes later with some ice and some epsom salts. Gradually my hand began to feel better. I had full movement of my fingers and I knew that I was going to be fine. I heaved a sigh of relief. I was really looking forward to my job tomorrow. I needed the money. Finally, I removed my hand from the mixture. I guessed I wouldn't be playing catch with Sam anymore. In some small way I felt like I was losing my friend. Still, we couldn't be everything to each other. Besides, for some strange reason I found my interests headed in different directions. It was only 8:00 PM. I figured Sam wouldn't be home for some time yet. I decided to give Darla a call. It seemed like forever since I'd last talked to her. "Hello?" she said as she picked up the phone. "Hi Darla, it's me," I said sheepishly. "Joan!" she exclaimed. "Whoa! What are you so excited about?" I asked her. "It just feels like forever since we've talked," she told me. Truth be told, we'd just spent the morning together oh, about thirty-six hours ago. "What's new?" I asked her, unable to think of anything else to say. "Oh, nothing much," she replied coyly. I could tell she was holding something back on me but had no idea what it could have been. "How's your new hairdo holding up?" she asked. I laughed and told her that it was perfect. I then asked her if she wanted to get together one evening this week. She said that would be great and suggested Thursday. Since I didn't have any plans, I agreed. "I'll see you then," I told her. "And Darla, if you ever just want to talk, please give me a call, ok?" I found myself hoping that she'd kiss me over the phone as I heard the line go dead. She didn't. It was now 9:00. I hadn't realized that Darla and I had been on the phone for such a long time. I quickly dialed Sam's number. He answered and I asked him how his practice had gone. He told me it had been perfect and that he had high hopes of making the team. I was happy for him but a wee part of me also felt a pang of jealousy. "So, how's your hand?" he asked me. I'd totally forgotten about my hand and that could only mean one thing. "It's fine Sam." "Sorry Joan, I forgot I was playing catch with a girl," he said and laughed. That comment really stung, but I didn't let on. "Ah well, we can't all throw a baseball at 100 MPH," I said, exaggerating his accomplishment. "So, I'll see you tomorrow evening then?" he asked. "There's no place else I'd rather be. Does seven thirty work for you?" He told me that it did and we said our goodnights. It was closing in on ten o'clock and time to get ready for bed. I went downstairs and chatted with Mom for a bit before making my way back upstairs. I did a bit more research on the Internet regarding my condition and soon found myself in bed snuggled between Teddy and Josam. I wished that I'd been snuggling up against Sam as I drifted off... Monday morning arrived and I awoke without aid of my alarm clock. It was 7:00 AM. I ran downstairs and started a pot of coffee then ran back upstairs to shower. I carefully shampooed my hair using the new shampoo recommended by the stylist. Shaving my legs and pits had become a daily routine. Fifteen minutes later I sat at the kitchen table with a cup of black coffee and a cigarette. I tried to forgo the nicotine but the allure was just too strong. Shandy scratched at the back door to come in and I greeted her with a hug. It was nearly 8:30 when I made my way upstairs to make sure Mom was awake before leaving for work. I battled an inner turmoil as "Joan" insisted that I bring my purse with me. I finally convinced myself that it looked "unisex" enough and slung the bag over my shoulder. Besides, it held my lunch! That was as good an excuse as any for carrying the bag. Mr. Ferris' house was more than a few blocks away and my bike would be required to make it there in a reasonable amount of time. I eyed myself one last time in my compact mirror before heading out. Why was I feeling so nervous? I put such thoughts away and concentrated on my trip. I arrived at the Ferris' home at 8:55. Not knowing what else to do, I rang the front door bell. Almost immediately a kindly lady answered. I explained that I was there to see Mr. Ferris and start work this morning. "Tom!" she cried out. "There's a young lady here who says she's supposed to report for work this morning. It's about time you hired a girl as a helper." I stood there silently blushing. I'd done nothing to make myself appear feminine this morning. Oh well, her assumption was fine with me, though I did feel more than a bit embarrassed. Mr. Ferris finally appeared in the foyer and did a double take before he realized who I was. "Joan Johnson reporting for work," I said in an attempt to help him out. It took him a moment to get with the program, but at last he did. "Well Joan, the shop is out back in the garage, go and put your stuff in there and wait for me, I'll be back in a few minutes." I heaved a sigh of relief. For a moment I was afraid that he was going to simply send me on my way. I guess my double piercings and my hair cut, not to mention my pink nails and shoulder bag could be perceived as being girly. I laughed aloud. OK, of course they were. Still, I was there to work and serious about working! I made my way back to the detached garage. A young man about my age greeted me. "Hello, my name is Paul," he said. "And you are?" I explained to Paul just who I was and why I was there. He did the same. Seems he was Mr. Ferris' nephew and worked for his uncle whenever he could. Five minutes later Mr. Ferris arrived. "I see you two have met," he said. "OK Joan, here it is. You will work Monday through Thursday from 9 till 2:30 with a half hour lunch at noon. I'll be paying you $5.00 per hour. I expect an honest day's work from my summer help," he finished. Perfect! It paid just as I'd hoped. No need to negotiate or anything else. With that, my morning began. Sanding. Thankfully, I'd put on the mask offered me by Paul as I began my work. It seemed he and Mr. Ferris had worked together for a long time and that Paul was his number one assistant. I was the "sander". By eleven o'clock my body was screaming in agony. This wasn't at all what I'd imagined. The mindless sanding of bookcases and bureaus was beginning to drive me a bit batty. I almost began to fear that my biceps would develop from the work. Such a strange thought to have. Noon arrived and I was told to take half an hour for lunch. It was an unpaid break, but I didn't care. I really needed a break. Paul attempted to chat me up. Apparently he thought I was a girl named Joan too. That made me just a tad nervous, though it made my life easier overall. I was Joan! The last two hours of the day passed quickly. I slung my bag over my shoulder and bade them farewell. "Hold on a minute Joan," Mr. Ferris said. I waited and worried that my work hadn't been up to par. We stood alone in his driveway. "You know, when I saw you this morning, I was going to send you home thinking that it had been a big mistake on my part in offering you the job. My wife, Matilda, convinced me otherwise. She's been after me for years now to hire a girl as summer help. As far as she's concerned, you're it. Do you understand what I'm saying?" he asked me. I had to admit, I could be slow at times, but I fully understood what he was saying. "What about Paul?" I asked, but not quite sure why. "Paul knows all he needs to know. If he becomes a problem, you just speak to me. I'll see you tomorrow morning at 9:00 sharp. Don't be late and do report back here. Understand?" he asked again. I shook my head in comprehension. "I'll see you in the morning Mr. Ferris," I said and pedaled off. I had made more in those five hours than I was paid for a week's allowance. Yes, sanding sucked but somebody had to do it. I decided to voice no complaints at all. Well, at least not for a few weeks anyway. I wasn't too far away from Darla's as I headed home and decided to take a chance and pay her a visit. I really needed a cell phone of my own. Maybe I could negotiate one as a birthday present? I arrived at the Raspberry home shortly thereafter and rang the bell. Aunt Viv answered and I asked her if Darla was home. "Was she expecting you?" she asked before informing me that Darla and Dani were out for the afternoon. I felt stupid having replied to her question when she clearly knew that Darla wasn't at home. Grownups, I thought! "Come on in Joan. Would you like a cup of coffee? I've just made a fresh pot." I found myself drawn to this woman. I hoped somewhere in the back of my mind that this, finally, was an adult that I could talk to. "That would be nice Aunt Viv," I replied. "Do you mind if I wash up a bit first?" She looked at me strangely and told me to go ahead. I used the main floor half bath and bathed my face in the sink's running water. That felt much better. I imagined that my pores were clogged with saw dust. When I finished, I blotted my face dry and applied a coat of mauve to my lips. I couldn't begin to explain how much better that simple act made me feel. I inspected my face one last time in the mirror and smiled at my reflection. Task completed I made my way into the kitchen. Aunt Viv was sitting at the table and had already poured a cup of coffee for me. "You take it black, don't you Joan?" she asked. I marveled that she'd remember. "Yes, I do and thank you," I replied as I sat down. "Have you given any thought as to how you're going to proceed?" she asked me. Her question knocked me for a loop as I realized the import. Hell, I was just a kid still a few more weeks away from my fourteenth birthday! "I have a few ideas," I replied at last. "Really? Tell me about them." I sighed. There was no putting off Aunt Viv once she'd locked onto a target. "You do know I'm a licensed therapist, don't you?" she asked me. I had no idea, and my eyes betrayed that fact. "You thought I was just a housewife, didn't you?" she scolded. To be honest, I'd never given her occupation or position any thought at all. It was enough to know that she was Darla's loving mother. "Hang on a second Aunt Viv. One question at a time. I had no idea you were a therapist, how could I?" I asked her. "As for anyone being just a housewife, shame on you! I know what it takes to make a household run. It's a full time job at least!" She seemed beyond pleased at my response. "If you're sure about what you want, I can help you," she stated somewhat cryptically. I knew where she was going however and was grateful for an ally. "Thanks Aunt Viv, I need all the help I can get." "What would you suggest I do?" I asked her. She smiled at me and in typical therapist fashion replied, "What would you like to do?" Nothing I hated more than mind games. Besides, I was clearly overmatched. "I want to be who I was meant to be," I replied in a cryptic fashion of my own. She laughed at that. "Very good Joan," she laughed again. "You are learning! You do know you're at a critical age?" she asked. I could sense that I was, but wasn't really sure how or why it was so. "What do you mean?" I asked seeking clarification. "Soon your body will be awash in testosterone. Your beard will begin growing. Your voice will deepen, your Adam's apple will become more prominent among other things," she said. I knew I didn't want any of those things to happen, not to mention the other things! I sat there with my coffee cup in one hand, my face buried in the other and began weeping. Life shouldn't be this difficult, I thought yet again. "I'm sorry Joan," Aunt Viv whispered. "It's all right. We'll find a way to make it all work out for you," she said finally. I looked up at her expectantly. Part of me wanted to ask her to wave her magic wand and make it all better. Speaking of better, I knew better. To really become Joan would be no easy task. I was beyond determined. "Things aren't exactly all right at this point," I informed her. "But they will be soon enough," I said with conviction. It seemed I was locked in on a single frame of mind. There would be no turning back. This was not a phase. She smiled at me and refreshed my cup of coffee which I'd all but drained. We sat there drinking and talking for the better part of an hour. At length, I told her I had to go home and make dinner. I thanked her profusely for her time. She seemed far more rational than my own mother. She hugged me as I readied myself to leave. "That was an incredibly sweet thing you did for Darla," she announced out of nowhere. "What?" I inquired. "The teddy bear!" she exclaimed. "Darla falls asleep each night with that bear clutched to her chest." I smiled at that admission. I was beyond glad that she appreciated Jola. "You're laughing!" she exclaimed. "I'm just glad that she's happy." Aunt Viv suggested a few more websites for me to check out and bade me farewell. It was close to five o'clock as I arrived home. I couldn't help myself. I kept thinking about my Dad. It had been weeks now and he still hadn't attempted to contact me. I called the number of his firm. The number was posted on the refrigerator. "Dewey, Cheatem, and Howe," the voice answered. "Mr. Johnson please?" I asked. "One Moment please," the voice responded. "I'm sorry Miss. The party you are attempting to reach is no longer available. Is there someone else you wish to talk to?" it asked. I sat there stunned. What had happened to Dad? I almost broke out in tears as I said goodbye to the unidentified voice. Mom surely had some answering to do when she got home. I surveyed the evening's menu and prepared dinner.