Andrea On Her Own (Part 3 Of Andrea's Stand) free porn video

Andrea On Her Own (Part 3 of Andrea's Stand) A Note Before: If you have not read parts 1 and 2, please go back and do so. I have spent some time trying to develop the characters involved and a brief description of the plot so far will not help you much. Chapter 1: Needing More I leaned back in my chair and stretched. It had been a long hour and a half finishing the homework from my calc. class. As I stretched I felt the sweater pressing against the breast forms and glanced over to see if Lisa had noticed. I fantasized for a moment about her coming over, straddling me on the chair and slowly making love to me. She'd slip the sweater over my head, play with my brassiere and somehow release my penis, take off her panties and then... I brought myself back to reality. There were two things that drove my lover. Sex was one; sex in every possible way, place and time. She scared me and pushed my limits. The other driving force was her determination to be the top of her class in college and then be able to choose the physical therapy internship she wanted. Right now she was studying and I could have danced nude in front of her and received no more than a brief glance. I looked at my watch; 10:15. I could wait until Lisa finished or give her a kiss and go back home and make an early night of it. Both were very tempting. I hadn't had a lot of sleep the past week preparing for midterms. My aunt would be happy to see me home at a reasonable hour. "Hey Lisa, take a moment's break OK." She looked at me and smiled then shook her head. "No I'm not trying to distract you. It's late and I need some sleep. Give me a kiss and I'm heading home." "Oh puppy, you should keep some clothes here." After a bit we broke off our kiss. I got into my coat, hat and gloves, and after kissing Lisa again I left to find that it had snowed about an inch since dinner time. In the four-wheel drive pickup the snow was no problem and I took the roads carefully as I thought about Lisa and me. We had been together now for about three months and I had thought we were in love. Now I was starting to have my doubts. I loved being with Lisa. We had fun together whether we were in bed (or on the floor or the couch for that matter), studying together or going to one of the museums in the area. The trouble was that I didn't believe that Lisa really understood what I was or who I was. Sometimes it felt as though I was some strange sex doll with interchangeable parts, there for her experimentation. I pulled into my aunt's driveway and went indoors. Aunt Clara was reading in her bedroom and I knocked and went in. We talked about random subjects for a bit and I assured her that I was fine just tired. "I've been studying so hard Aunt Clara. If I can get better than a 90 on this mid-term then I have a solid A for the first half of the class. That's all. No, everything is fine at work, yes and between Lisa and me. No, I have nothing planned for the weekend. OK, I'll ask Lisa if she wants to join us. Goodnight." Standing in the bathroom I looked at myself in the mirror. Despite months of good nutrition I was still painfully skinny. If I looked at myself from the neck down I saw a man or really a boy. Even if I didn't shave and depilate I would have very little body hair, now I just had a little pubic hair and nothing else. My ribs were clearly visible and small, light colored, nipples sat on a flat chest. I looked further down and thought for a bit. When I was Andrew I used to worry about having a small penis. Now it just made it easier to dress as Andrea, and Lisa didn't seem to mind my size. I shifted my gaze upwards. From the neck up I was a girl. Even after I washed off my makeup, the thin eyebrows, large eyes and long hair spoke to my chosen persona. I wasn't pretty and maybe not even that attractive but I was female. Months ago I worried about being spotted and occasionally I still would get the second or third look from people that told me they had worked out who and what I really was. Now I didn't care and it had been weeks since anyone had made me. I showered and, wrapped in my robe, went back to my bedroom. In two days I would take my mid-term and then I could relax a little. I was too tired to pick up a book and it was late. Pulling on a pair of pajamas I turned off the light, burrowed under the covers and tried to sleep. The room was dark with only the glow from my clock as a source of light. I listened to the wind and the occasional car as it passed by. Staring at the darkness I waited for the drifting feeling that preceded sleep and found myself cycling back to the subject of Lisa and me. A while back Lisa had confessed that she had planned on the two of us being only a short sexual fling. We would have some fun, she'd have sex with a cross dresser and then we'd move on. Some how it hadn't worked out and we were still together, each seeking the other out but not clinging. I lay there thinking about the two of us. Lisa was 22 I was 20. I knew, logically, that the probability of us being a permanent couple was slight but the thought of us not being together hurt. I wanted this to last and yet I was scared by the thought. Lisa wanted too much from me. Earlier in the week we had gone out to dinner and then she drilled me on some math. During the drills her hand slowly crept up my leg and after I brushed it away a few times I reminded her that when she was studying I kept my hands to myself. She waited until we closed the book and then launched herself at me, covering my face with kisses and pulling at my sweater. We lay on the bed and I buried my face between her legs as she played with me. As usual I didn't get completely erect but it didn't matter. After a bit Lisa told me to try something and pulling a vibrator from her drawer handed it to me. I was uncomfortable at first but discovered that between my fingers, tongue and the little ivory colored cylinder I could bring Lisa to a frenzy, back off and then do it again and again. I was having fun when I felt her fingers, now covered with some cold gel, slipping between my cheeks and then felt a buzzing as she placed a vibrator against my rectum. I jumped, pulled away and grabbing the blankets sat with my back against the wall. "Hey Andrea, you have got to relax, you know I wouldn't hurt you." I just sat there clutching the blankets to me. Lisa came and sat next to me and pulled me close. "We're just having fun. I like to play with you, you're my little puppy, and you like to play with me. That's what lovers do. I want to kiss you, and feel you inside me, and suck on you, and play with you and go inside of you and feel you all warm and tight and quivery and..." "Stop it, damn it." I jumped up and started getting dressed. "I am not some damn lab experiment for you to use to see how many different ways you can come. I like making love with you. I like the cuddling and the kissing and, and, the other stuff but maybe what you really want it a bigger vibrator." Lisa grabbed me and we stood frozen in the middle of her one bedroom apartment. I could have easily shaken her off but I could see the alarm and hurt in her eyes. "You are not a vibrator Andrea. You are not an object to me. I love you. I've told you that. I do cuddle and snuggle and hold you close but I need more. Oh hell, let's get dressed." We sat at the kitchen table sipping cocoa trying to talk to each other. I put my hand out and Lisa placed hers above mine. "Andrea, what do you like most about sex?" I thought for a while. Growing up I had spent hours fantasizing about finally losing my virginity. I would sneak peaks at my father's copies of Hustler and dream exotic dreams. Now that I was having sex I still fantasized but the actually time spent in bed never lived up to my dreams. "I think it is that time after we've climaxed. We lie against each other and stroke gently and whisper things and I bury my face between your breasts and smell you and we drift together." "Puppy you are such a romantic. I like everything, especially when we are writhing and grabbing and biting and doing things that would make other people envious and disapproving and even grossed out." I walked behind Lisa and kissed her on top of her head and massaged her neck. "I'll try Lisa but please don't push me too hard." "OK Andrea. Hey you really seemed to like it when I sucked on your nipples." "Yeah it's funny, I don't feel anything when I touch them but you make them sort of buzz and well almost itch." "OK, I'll play with them more. Give me a kiss." I stared at the darkness and felt my mind start to drift and jump illogically. I would try to relax and Lisa would cup my breasts in her hands and, wait I don't have breasts, just forms, and her library desk, the ceiling fan..." I slept soundly until the alarm announced another morning. Chapter 2: Testing, Testing I put down my pencil, shut off my calculator and closed my eyes. Either I knew the calculus stone cold or I was so addled I couldn't see my errors. In either case I was doen with the test in just over forty minutes and then spent another ten double checking. I stood up and brought the test to the front. Professor Fischer smiled, wished me a good evening and went back to reading his magazine. As I was putting on my coat in the hall, the door to the classroom opened and Jerry came out and waved at me. "Whoo, that is not something I want to do again. Did you end up with a minus number on question three? I mean as part of the function." I thought about it for a moment. "Yeah, I think it was Y squared over minus four." Jerry just shook his head. "I think that's what I got. I'll be glad when this is over. Hey you up for some coffee?" I almost said no but then thought about it for a second. Other than Lisa I had no close friends. There were Tracie and Maria, two girls of my age, but they were still stuck in a high school frame of mind. Jerry seemed nice and was a few years older. "Sure, the Starbucks or what?" We sat at a low table and I listened as Jerry told me about being a full-time student while trying to survive on a part-time job. I smiled to myself remembering Marnie telling me once that men will talk about themselves until they collapse if a woman will just look at them and from time to time say "Uh huh" or "really". I learned about Jerry's job, his almost marriage, his ex-girl friend, his hobby (archery) and Jerry learned that I worked at MJ's Classic Motors, but was otherwise too self-absorbed to find out much else. Despite that I enjoyed being out with some one and argued only a little when he insisted on paying for the coffee. We parted with waves of hands and mutual groans about the amount of work we had and went our separate ways. Later on the phone, Lisa lectured me about being safe around men and I accused her of jealousy. Then we laughed about it. I laid out clothes for work and sat in bed with a book of short stories feeling good about myself. Math wasn't my best subject in high-school but I felt confident about the test. Jerry seemed nice and when Lisa had warned me about men I stood up to her with out becoming upset or defensive. Tomorrow was the first day of the month so I had a lot to do at work but that was OK too. Once I had slaved in my father's junk yard. Then I worked at mindless tasks, dressed in rags and was insulted and cuffed at every turn. Now I dressed nicely, went to school and worked in a clean place. Sure there were problems ahead but I seemed to be getting along. "Yo Andrea, give me a hand here." I looked up from the reception desk at MJ's Classic Motors to see Paul, the salesman, trying to lower the canvas and leather top of a Morgan. He seemed totally tangled and I rushed over to help. Together we lowered it and then he practiced raising and lowering it again. "Christ, I like these old cars, but modern technology has its plusses. Thanks." I went back to my desk looking up to see Marnie smiling at me. I smiled back and then listened as she ragged Paul about his mechanical abilities. It was good to be at work. MJ's sold classic cars and while I was just the receptionist by title, little by little Marnie, who was the owner and Aunt Clara's lover, and Susan, the business manager, were passing along more of the paperwork to me. I stood up and went over to a man who had come in to the shop. "Good afternoon. Can I help you?" By now I was used to being looked at. I might not be pretty but I knew how to dress. In my tailored grey slacks and dark blue turtle neck I showed enough to catch an eye and anyway some men like their women tall and skinny. After giving me the quick up and down the customer asked about a Mercedes in our inventory and I handed him over to Paul. Marnie came over and sat on the corner of the desk. "You really have become comfortable as Andrea. I watch you with the staff and customers and I can't see the scraggly gutter rat I saw back in October. You truly are one of the girls now. Maybe you Susan and I can go out to lunch this week. I..." Her cell phone rang and Marnie waved bye as she answered the call and stepped away. She became lost in a world of quotes, delivery dates and payments. For some reason I was irritated by something she had said. "One of the girls." Well I guess I was now, sitting there in my control panties, brassiere and tight turtleneck. When I stood up men looked at me, and now and then a woman looked as well. I shopped with Tracie and Maria for blouses and skirts and my hair was done at "Tyrell's Fashion Hair Salon." I sat stewing. I liked being Andrea because it meant I was not Andrew Dade. I had left behind dirty hair and ragged clothes. However I didn't think of myself as one of the girls. I certainly wasn't one of the guys. The phone rang and I answered "MJ's Classic Motor's Good Afternoon." After I transferred the call I thought some more. The person at the other end of the phone would have no doubt that a young woman had answered the phone. The customer who I helped earlier knew that he had been looking at a young woman and might even be daydreaming about sex. Paul, if asked to describe me, would never think about saying I might be male. That evening Aunt Clara was off at one of the concerts she liked to attend and I tried to decide what to do with myself. I could call Lisa and we'd scrounge dinner and then probably have sex. I felt out-of-sorts and wanted to do something different; something that was not "one of the girls". I went into my bedroom and quickly undressed. Tossing my underwear into the hamper I hung up my clothes and then going into the bathroom applied solvent to the tape that held on my breast forms. Then I scrubbed off every trace of make-up and wetting down my hair tied it back in a low pony tail. Back in the bedroom I opened the lowest drawer in the dresser. When I first arrived in Williston Aunt Clara took me shopping for men's clothing. I had put away the jeans, slacks and underwear. Now I gazed at the men's clothing. It seemed so odd to pull up y-front briefs and slip into a plain white t-shirt. The jeans were cut all wrong and seemed to have no shape. I pulled on the most masculine of my flannel shirts, slipped into a pair of plain sneakers and looked at myself in the mirror. "Damn" Andrea was looking back at me. I wanted to see Andrew but it had been about five months since I last looked at him. He was always hiding there behind Andrea but now I couldn't bring him to the fore. I scrabbled in my closet and found what I was looking for. When I arrived in Williston, dirty and bruised, I was wearing an oily baseball hat with "Valvoline" on the front. Now I crammed it on my head and looked in the mirror again. Yes, there was Andrew. I shrugged on my parka; it was a kind that could be worn by either men or women. I grabbed some plain leather gloves and my purse. "Right Andrew, you are trying to pass, not get beaten up. Where's my old wallet?" I transferred my license, some cash and my credit card and left the house. The pickup truck stood in the driveway. It belonged to MJ's and said so right on the side, but I used it as my own. I climbed into the cab, turned the key and headed toward Rt. 140 to find a diner far enough away that no one would know me. The Regina Diner is the quintessential roadside eatery. Pam and Laura are perfect stereotypes of diner waitresses and the clientele is a mix of locals, truckers, and birds of passage. Since that first trip I have eaten there many times but pulling into the parking lot for the first time I felt more than a little scared. I locked the truck and went in and sat at the counter, draping my parka on a hook on the wall. "Can I start you with some coffee hon?" I looked at the menu as I waited for the coffee. It was about 7:30 and the diner was only about a third full. When the waitress came back I ordered a cheese burger with bacon and fries and tried to relax. I thought back to the first time I had gone out alone as Andrea. I had been scared and tried to slump and hide. I was sure that everybody would look, stare, point and laugh. Now I was feeling the same anxiety returning to Andrew. The waitress brought over the burger and went to gossip with some men sitting at the end of the counter and I settled down to enjoy some honest American road food. I listened to some of the other customers as I ate and managed to tune into the conversation at the end of the counter. "Naw she has to be a dyke." "She, you're blind", "Uh uh, it's just the clothes, see the truck." "Gay, I bet you he's gay" "Well go see" and from the waitress "Cool it Pete." My radar was going wild and I tensed up as one of the men detached himself from the group and brought his coffee over and sat next to me. "Hi, I'm Pete, d'ya work for that car place." I turned, smiled a little and nodded while chewing. "So what's it like, get to ride those things?" "Not often, but it's a good place to work." The waitress came over and leaned on the counter. "Hon, if he's bothering you, just spill your coffee in his lap. His wife doesn't let him use it much anyway." The other men started laughing and Pete turned and made some comment about their wives and girlfriends. The waitress ignored them. "I'm Pam and those jerks are harmless. Any woman that comes in alone they dream about but they are shackled to the dog house. So what's your name? No let me guess, I'm good at this." Pam leaned back, put her hands on her hips and tilted her head. Then she placed her fingers against her temples and imitated a fortune teller. "Let's see the first letter is in which half of the alphabet, the first or the last, mmmm, OK in the first and I don't think it's Alice or Betty, I have it you're name is (and she gave a theatrical pause) Esmerelda." I laughed and said "No I'm Andrea." Pam refilled my cup and asked a few questions about where I worked and lived and then drifted off to bring menus to some newcomers. I sipped my coffee and worked on the remaining fries. I hadn't passed, or maybe I had been "made". It all depended on whether I looked at myself as Andrew or Andrea. However I defined myself, even dressed in men's jeans and a ratty hat with my hair tied back people thought I was female. My cell phone rang and I checked the number. It was Maria and we gossiped for a bit. I agreed to join her at the local coffee house the next evening and sat on the stool thinking. I could dress up pretty much as I wanted but unless I did something really radical most people would assume I was female. People who worked closely with me didn't know I was really Andrew. Tuck, the slow talking detailer, had figured it out but he was one of those people who observe everything. Lisa was the only person who didn't treat me solely as female but even she referred to me as "her" and in bed called me "girlfriend". As I paid for my food and said goodbye to Pam I looked at my reflection. Yeah, the person there was a woman, or a girl, but not a man. She was dressed in ill fitting work clothes but what the hell the image was female. About five months earlier I had become Andrea for no real reason. I had floated along taking suggestions or following directions. For five months I had been Andrew living as Andrea. I had tested the image and been told what people thought I was. Now I had to decide, do I change to fit the image or change the image to fit me. First I had to decide was who was this "me" I talked about. Chapter 3: Who Am I "Why not Dr. Franck? I mean I've been living full time as a girl for five months now. I think it's reasonable. I've read up on it and I know what I'm doing." Dr. Franck looked me up and down and sighed. After five years without seeing a physician I finally went for a physical in the fall. Marnie suggested I see her primary care doctor and I had. Dr. Franck dealt with my being Andrew as well as Andrea without embarrassing me and guided me through some decision making when tests showed I was producing less than the normal amount of testosterone. Now I was back in her office and not getting anywhere. "I won't prescribe female hormones for you because you have only been living as Andrea for five months. Also because you are barely 20 years old and finally because you told me you won't see a therapist. It would be unethical for me to do so." "Now Andrea, listen to me carefully. You can get hormones illegally. You and I both know that. You also can do yourself a lot of damage that way. I will make you a deal. If you A, tell me why you suddenly want to start taking hormones, and I don't mean the feeble reasons you just gave me, B, start seeing a therapist, C, wait at least another two months, then I'll refer you to an endocrinologist and we'll figure out a way to prescribe the drugs for you and have your insurance pay for it." I felt myself choking up. For the past week I had been asking me the same question. Why suddenly did I want to be Andrea forever? Why suddenly did having breasts matter? I really couldn't answer. I just knew it was the right thing to do. I told Dr. Franck I'd think it over and promised not to self-medicate. She forced me to take the names of some therapists and information about a support group. I left feeling dissatisfied and wanted to talk to someone but I couldn't think of anyone. Lisa was out because she might see things in purely sexual terms. Also she was so content with who and what she was that the idea of being at odds with one's emotions was too foreign for her to contemplate. Aunt Clara was almost phobic about doctors and medicines and Marnie was my boss, Aunt Clara's lover and worst of all, blunt in a ribald manner that I just couldn't face. I went over all the other people I knew; Maria and Tracie, staff at the shop, people from the community college and ended up drawing a blank. I thought back to a talk I had with Tuck when he let me know he had figured out my secret. He had been gentle and mostly wanted to tell me that I could not let others decide for me who I was. We were sitting drinking coffee when he said "Well you can see a doctor; a psych type. You can find an older friend to talk to, and I don't mean me. You can go to the clergy." Tuck told me about talking with his rabbi about some of his problems. I didn't have a rabbi of course but I did go with Aunt Clara to the Anglican Church every Sunday and there was an assistant minister who led the youth group and had organized an ecumenical gay/lesbian/bi conference. I'd see what I could find out about him and maybe start there. Things take time of course and I worked, I studied, I had sex with Lisa and occasionally she would haul me to a museum. With the passing weeks I felt myself becoming more and more depressed. It didn't help that when I told Maria I was lesbian and that's why I did not want to go out with Kevin, a guy she was pushing on me, she said "oh that is so neat. Some of the coolest girls in high school were lesbians." Whatever else I thought of myself I did not want to see myself as cool in a high school sense. Saturday came cold and nasty but I wasn't working that weekend and Lisa was off with her family. I planned a nice day. I would go to the library, exchange some books, light a fire in the fireplace and spend the day with cocoa, cookies and short stories. I bundled up and drove to the library, turned in and checked out books, glanced at the community bulletin board and had an epiphany. I was so struck by the obviousness of it I almost shouted "Andrea you are stupid" but managed to keep my mouth shut. Right there on the board was an announcement for a gay/lesbian/bi/transgender support group. It met twice a month in the basement of my church. I probably had seen notices about it on the church bulletin board as well. As I drove home I berated myself for being blind and stupid. My idiocy didn't matter however. This coming Tuesday at 8:00 I knew where I would be, the only choice I had to make was what I would be. Was I gay (OK, that was out because I liked women), lesbian (that's how I was starting to look at myself), Bi (no) or transgender? I'd decide as I walked through the door. Until then I had something to look forward to, or at least anticipate. The rest of the afternoon was to be spent indulging in reading and junk food and nothing was going to get in my way. "Well I am Andrea, and I was Andrew and I live here with my Aunt so I guess I'm transgender. I really don't know more than that, I mean I don't have more to say." There were nine others in the room that evening. Coffee, soda and snacks sat on a table along with pamphlets on all types of related subjects. I expected one of the ministers or deacons to lead the group but the facilitator was a middle aged social worker named Beth. We quickly went around the room and introduced ourselves. I looked over the others. One was a guy about my age, the rest were older. I was the only transgendered person there, or at least the only one who identified themselves that way. I settled back to listen, intent on saying as little as possible until I found my footing. The others talked about what they had been doing, problems faced, fears, successes, and a lot of what was discussed had nothing to do with gender. I relaxed and said one or two things and in what seemed like no time at all it was 10:00 and people were shaking hands and hugging and the meeting was breaking up. "Andrea could you wait a moment"? I walked over to Beth and waited while she discussed a brochure with two men who looked like bankers but were holding hands. "Yes." "I just wanted to say "welcome" and to let you know about another group. Here is the information. This group is mostly older than you, except for Max who's about your age, and I know there are a few transgenders in the other group. It's a bit of distance but you decide." "Thanks. This is very convenient and the people seem nice." "Oh they are. Some times it gets testy between the "you have to shout your sexuality to the world" types and the "just let me live in peace" group. Other than that it works well. I hope to see you in two weeks then." I let myself in and found Aunt Clara sitting by the fire as I hung up my coat I mentioned where I had been. "I know dear." "What?" "You told me on Sunday." "Oh." "How was it?" "I liked it Aunt Clara. Nothing really happened but it was nice to be able to say out loud who I am. I haven't been able to do that except with you and Marnie, oh and Lisa." "It's not going well with Lisa is it?" "No." "Do you want to talk about it?" "I don't know. I really like Lisa and well we... I mean it's... I like being with her and doing things. It's just that she wants so much." "Like what Andrea?" I just sat there. What could I say to my dear and seemingly conservative aunt? I knew she wasn't really what she looked like. She had confessed to me that the reason she and Marnie didn't live together was that she had had a few lovers and Marnie was still hurt by the betrayal, but still. I mean I couldn't bring myself to say "Oh Aunt Clara sex is usually nice but Lisa likes all sorts of games like, oh you know, strap on play with dildos and sex in public places and stuff." It was just too much information so I was silent. Aunt Clara looked at me. She nodded. "Let me guess, it is either she wants you to move in with her and form something permanent, or she wants you to spend all your spare time with her and gets jealous when you do something on your own, or you and she have different views about sex." I felt myself blushing and knew that Aunt Clara had spotted it because she actually chuckled. I almost shouted "It's not funny" but managed to control myself. "Oh dear, Andrea come and sit by me. No, come on and sit here. Relationships are about boundaries and compromises. Some things you do for the other person and some things you agree not to do because of the other person. Lisa seems a really nice girl, and pretty as well, but if she can't understand your boundaries it won't work. I won't ask for details, in fact I really don't want to know the details. Why not speak to Marnie." "No way." "Give it some thought. You and she have a lot in common and she is pretty hard to shock or embarrass. Anyway she likes you a lot. You're sort of her younger sister in this trio so you can ask her for advice in ways I don't want to know." "Thanks Aunt Clara. I think I'll go to bed." "Good night dear." I lay in bed thinking again about Clara and Marnie. I knew a little about them. They had met in college and I was getting the feeling that my aunt had seduced Marnie. They had been friends and off and on lovers for about 27 years and it certainly had not been smooth. Marnie was loud, ribald, NASCAR, beer and crackers. Clara was self- controlled, a little shy, and yet it was Clara who had stepped outside of the relationship and hurt Marnie. I stared at the ceiling. Who was I? What was I doing with Lisa other than having sex. The last time we had sex she asked me to tie her hands to the bed post and then take her from behind. It was OK I guess though I didn't understand the thrill any more than I understood the thrill of having sex upright in the back of the college library or with the windows wide open while dressed in lots of clothing pretending to be Eskimos. I sighed and turned off the lights. Clara had Marnie; Lisa had whoever she wanted. I had a future to build but the more I looked at it the less I could see Lisa in it. Andrea had to become something out of nothing. I had been living in Andrea's shell as it were, now I had to decide what was the material within this hollow person. Chapter 4: I Am Andrea "No Andrea, going to a bi-monthly support group is not getting counseling and you know it. You are too intelligent to pretend otherwise. I laid out the rules. If I am going to refer you to an endocrinologist you have to be seeing a therapist." It was another argument with Dr. Frank. I knew I was going to lose when I started it but as long as I was in the office to deal with an earache, a fever and a bad cough I thought I would give it a try. I smiled and tried to make a joke of it. "Hey Dr. Franck. I've got an idea. I'm 20 years old, sexually active and all that. Why not just prescribe me contraceptives, like the pill or a patch." "Right; what I am prescribing now is antibiotic, I call it in to the pharmacy, lots of liquids and at least two days of complete rest and preferably three. I gave you Dr. Miller's number, give him a call. He sees a lot of college students and I know has a discount rate for them. I think you'd like him. Now scram, I have an office full of hacking, sneezing patients and you are the healthiest of all of them. Get some rest." I called Marnie and told her I was heading home from the doctor's and would be taking the next day off. She commiserated, mentioned she'd be over that evening and would see me then. I asked her to pick up my prescription and drove home. By the time I pulled into the driveway I was shaking and desperately tired. I stumbled into the house and considered the distance from the front door to the bedroom. It seemed too far so I just lay down on the couch, pulled my parka over my head and closed my eyes. My last thoughts before passing out were that Aunt Clara would kill me for still having my boots on. "Come on Andrea. Sit up; hey open your eyes, no sit up dear." Aunt Clara was trying to say something to me but I couldn't figure out why she was trying to drag me out of bed. It was way too early and I just wanted to sleep. "Marnie give me a hand. Oh lord she's burning up. Get me the thermometer from the bathroom, yes, middle cabinet. Andrea open your eyes and stand up, we have to get you to bed." I somehow managed to stand up and swaying back and forth leaned on my aunt as she guided me into my bedroom. I sat on the bed as Marnie put the thermometer in my mouth and I dopily obeyed my aunt's commands. "Stick out your feet dear, let's get those boots off." "Boots? Oh I'm sorry Aunts Clara." "Shush, now let me unbutton this, shift your bum dear, that's right. What Marnie, one oh five point two. Oh no. Call your doctor now; I'll finish getting her undressed. Hands over your head dear." I looked at my aunt and tried to figure out why the lights in the room were getting dimmer. My arms weren't moving and she seemed to be getting further away. I tried to explain that I couldn't get my boots off and then the light became too dim to see her. I hated the beeping noise I was hearing and someone had taken away my nice comforter. I opened my eyes and tried to figure out why the ceiling was different. A woman in yellow leaned over me and smiled. "Well hello Andrea. You gave your aunt quite a scare there. You're at North Adams Regional in the ER. You collapsed and, oh wait, here in the basin." When I finished vomiting, the nurse gave me some water to wash out my mouth. I stared around feeling dizzy and sick. "Aunt Clara?" "She and her friend were here and left to get some coffee a few minutes ago. Now let me sit you up a bit and I'll ask Dr. Pierce to come in. You had quite a fever there." "Time?" "What, oh it's, let's see, it's 11:32, that's in the evening Andrea. Now just lean back. There. This is a call button here. If you need anything push it. I'll be looking in every couple of minutes." I leaned back against the pillow and felt myself drifting off again. Someone was gently pushing my shoulder and speaking to me. I opened my eyes and looked around. A man in light blue scrubs was talking to me and I blinked my eyes. "Good, you are awake. Hi I'm Dr. Pierce. I'm the chief ER resident. Well we got most of your information from your aunt so I only have a few questions. First, how are you feeling?" "Like shit. I am so tired." "Well you have the flu, and I mean the real flu not just the virus of the moment. Also you were pretty dehydrated so we've had you on an IV." I looked at him and slowly my thoughts jelled. "I came here by ambulance? I mean I'm in..." I looked down. I was wearing a hospital gown. "Oh hell?" "Now Andrea. I have only a few more questions. First though, yes, we changed you into a gown and frankly no one here is that concerned or shocked by what we found. No one is going to go out and publish what we saw. We are medical types, we keep all kinds of secrets." "That is not my concern but I need to ask you, before your aunt comes back, are you on any medications?" "Dr. Franck prescribed something but I never got it." "What?" "An antibiotic." "That's OK, but not what I need to know. Are you taking any drugs, any hormones, are you self medicating." "Oh, no I am not taking anything." Dr. Pierce gave me a long look with one raised eyebrow. Then he smiled. "OK. I think you are going to stay overnight but I doubt we have a bed free, so you'll sleep here. You need to take at least until Monday off. Don't push it." "What about school?" "You need to take at least until Monday. Now just lie back. I will see if your aunt is back." The next few days passed in a haze. Bit by bit realizations hit me. Aunt Clara and Marnie had taken my clothes off and changed me into pajamas. That means that they saw me naked. People at the hospital had learned what I was but still referred to me as Andrea or "miss". Lisa called twice and wanted to come over but Aunt Clara dissuaded her on the grounds that I needed rest. I realized I was glad she hadn't visited. I was damned if I was going to just lie in bed and on Tuesday I hauled myself from under the covers, took a morning shower and dressed for work. Aunt Clara asked me about ten times if I thought I was ready. I accepted a ride from her and somehow managed to stay awake through the day. Jerry had kept me up to date on the homework assignments so I was more or less up to speed in class. I took a few more days laying low doing only what was necessary at work and in class. At home I kept looking at a piece of paper on my desk. While sick with the flu, in between sleeping, I spent a lot of time cruising the web looking at sites devoted to transgendered people. I also spent a lot of time trying to write an essay describing Andrea Dade. I never got beyond an outline but that outline was on my desk staring at me whenever I walked into the room. The first lines were the scariest. "Andrea Dade is a 20 year old woman who plans on living by herself. She is concentrating on her studies and on being admitted to an associate degree program at the community college and though she once had a lover, currently she is unattached." I gritted my teeth and dialed Lisa's number. "Hi Lisa, yeah. I'm still pretty weak but I'm back at work and school. Can I come over tomorrow after work. Great, but you have to promise me something. That's right a promise. OK, when I come in you don't jump on me and haul me to bed. Yeah I've missed you to but I need my energy for other things right now. I'll see you about 6:30. Bye love." I felt hypocritical saying "love" but I wasn't going to tell her I was walking away over the phone. I knew some people did that but it was too cold and I liked Lisa. I liked her a lot. For now though Andrea "...once had a lover, currently she is unattached." The next call was just as hard. I dialed the number and waited until the answering machine finished its inanity. "Hello Dr. Miller, my name this Andrea Dade and Dr. Franck suggested I call you. I would like to come in and talk to you. My cell phone number is..." Aunt Clara was reading in the living room and I came in and sat down. She looked at me went back to her book, stopped and looked at me again. "I'm breaking up with Lisa." "Yes." "Yes? Isn't there more to say than that?" "I don't know dear. You don't want to hear this but you are only twenty and at your age people form connections and then break apart. Can I ask why you are splitting?" "I need to concentrate on being Andrea and not some one else's image of what Andrea should be. I guess it's more than Lisa. It's also you and Marnie." I stopped, hoping that Aunt Clara would say something but she just sat and looked at me. "I love you Aunt Clara and I love Marnie, but the two of you look at me as, well as a surrogate daughter. I like it I really do. I never really was somebody's child. Mom was too scared of my father and tied up in her own problems. My father viewed me as either a nuisance or a slave. But as long as I stay here I will never really figure out who I am." "Andrea, I am glad to hear you say this. Oh it hurts, it really does, but I told you a while back that you couldn't stay here forever. I told you I was worried that I would try and run your life." "I know but it is scary to think about it. I called a therapist Dr. Franck suggested and I will see if he will talk with me." "If you need money..." "Thanks, but I think I'm set. You and Marnie are already paying for my classes and Marnie pays for the truck. I really need to think about being independent." "You are only twenty Andrea. A lot of women of your age are still completely dependent on their parents." I signaled Aunt Clara to wait and got the paper from my room. Silently I scanned down the lines until I came to the one I wanted. "Andrea is fiercely independent and private. Others might view this as being cold but she knows she needs time to dedicate to herself." I looked at Aunt Clara. "I am not completely sure who Andrea is yet but I know that I am Andrea. Chapter 5: Not the Book of Love I had been right in asking Maria to meet me for coffee. She might be a little shallow, concentrating more on boyfriends and fashions than on school or her job, but I needed a shoulder to cry on and she was perfect. I told her about breaking up with Lisa and she told me that at least I wasn't being dumped. I complained about not really knowing who I was or what I wanted to be and she handed me a few clich?s. The thing was she really did sympathize. I knew that Maria was considered "easy" and had a lot of boyfriends but I also knew she really wanted to find the "one." We drank coffee and ate cake at the coffee shop and commiserated with each other. When one of the guys came around, we chased him off and spent a few hours being two girls enjoying the melancholy gripes. "Was Lisa really angry?" "A bit, more shaken I think. I don't think any one has ever walked away from her. I think she always did the walking. Oh hell, I really like her and I want her as a friend but I guess that's screwed up now." "Who knows, give her a call in a few weeks and suggest doing something as friends but don't go back to her apartment." "Maybe. I have to start looking for a place to stay. Maybe I should put double locks on the door. You want another coffee?" "Naw. I need to get home anyway. I know you told me you are gay but Kevin still has the hots for you. Even more so since you told him you have a girlfriend." "What is it with men and lesbians?" Maria laughed "forbidden fruits and dreams of four nipples." She leaned over, kissed me on the cheek and grabbed her coat. She laughed again, waved and was gone. I sat there finishing my coffee and thinking. In two days I would see Dr. Miller. The next day I would be at the support group. Every day I was thinking less and less as Andrew within Andrea and more and more as Andrea. I shrugged. It was late. I put on my parka. Passing a table with some acquaintances I stopped to say hello and then left before I could get sucked into a conversation. Driving home I had to laugh at Maria and also at me. We had indulged in that kind of thing that men ridiculed. It was the "girls getting together to complain about love and the male sex". Okay I was complaining about a woman but I had enjoyed it. It also made me feel better about splitting with Lisa. I would call her up in a few weeks and suggest a trip to a museum. For now I concentrated on driving home safely in a mixture of rain and snow. The last thing I wanted was another tip to the ER. "Slacks or a dress, hmmm, maybe the red skirt, no. Let's see I can wear the brown skirt and the off-white blouse or is that too conservative. OK, the black slacks and, oh hell it's easier to dress for a dinner out than this." After work I was seeing Dr. Miller for the first time and I was fretting over the image I would present. He only knew that Andrea Dade was coming in not that there was also Andrew Dade involved. Did I want to emphasize femininity or just dress nicely but a little conservative? Would one of my sexier outfits (closely tailored slacks and a tight sweater) send the wrong message? In the midst of all the fretting I realized I had pulled on panty hose and put on a white brassiere. I guessed a decision had somehow been made and took an off-white blouse from the closet. The material was slightly shiny but absolutely opaque and combined with the long brown skirt had an old fashioned feel. I liked the outfit because it was warm and when the door to MJ's Classic Motors opened a stiff breeze blew under my desk and in a short skirt that was thrilling to say the least and uncomfortable to tell the truth. Work passed slowly and Marnie came out to gossip with Susan and me. The two talked about spring fashions and vacations. I listened in and occasionally added a comment. Susan recommended a new restaurant, Marnie talked about a new jewelry store and time passed. I drifted and dreamed, answering the occasional phone call and tried to decide if I looked forward to seeing Dr. Miller or dreaded it. Walking into Dr. Miller's office I was surprised by how much it did not look like a Dr.'s office. There were some diplomas on the wall and medical books on a shelf but it reminded me a lot of my lawyer's office. Perhaps the only clues were the extra boxes of tissues scattered around, the stuffed bear on the couch and the large bowl of M&Ms. We talked back and forth for a few minutes and then Dr. Miller asked me the question I was anticipating and prepared for. "Why don't you start by telling me a bit about yourself?" "OK. About six months ago I ran away from home. I was living with my father and his slut of the month in a trailer and working for him at his junk yard. I was abused and used. I don't mean sexually but he did hit me, never really paid me, he cursed at me and treated me the same way he did my mother until the day of her death." "One day I had enough, grabbed the bus to Williston and called my aunt asking for shelter and help. Now I'm here. I work at a clean job with decent pay and good benefits. I am taking classes at the community college and I am appreciated and not abused." I took a deep breath and smiled at Dr. Miller. "There is one more very important thing. Until to day I ran from my father, October 3rd, I was Andrew Dade and now, as you can see, I am Andrea Dade, and I guess that's the big reason I am here." Dr. Miller looked at me for a long moment. "I see we will have a lot to discuss, let's start by my asking some basic questions. Uh, where does your father live?" I left the office relieved and amused. Talking with Dr. Miller hadn't been hard. I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to achieve but I was certainly willing to give it a try. I was amused however by some of his "rules". I had to come up with some short term goals to work on with him. I had to promise to treat the sessions as I would classes, in other words not skip any. Finally he would occasionally give me assignments. The last was what made me chuckle. Towards the end of the session he told me that I should bring in a written description of Andrea next time. I reached into my shoulder bag, pulled out my outline (which by now was two pages) and asked "something like this?" The look on his face was priceless. He skimmed the pages and told me that I was the first patient who had a description ready and waiting. "Usually they hem and haw and explain why they can't figure out what to write. Or they turn in something that is twenty pages long. Can I keep this?" While waiting for the truck to warm up I pulled out my cell phone and called my aunt. "Hi Aunt Clara. Uh huh. It was good, I'll tell you about it. Yes I'm about ready to leave. It occurred to me I have never taken you out to dinner, will you be my guest? I was thinking Indian. No, that means I pay. OK, I'll be home in about thirty. See you. Lakshmi is a nice Indian restaurant on Route 122 near Paxton. It was the first place that I ate Indian food in my life and also the first place Aunt Clara and Marnie took me to dinner. In a way I viewed it as an extension of home. Aunt Clara and I sat at a corner table and waited for our food. Two men in their late twenties looked our way and one of them smiled. I smiled back and then continued talking to Aunt Clara. "Do you remember me taking you out to ice cream the first day you dressed as Andrea?" "Yes. That was awkward. Marnie had played a joke on you and used me as a prop. I wasn't sure if you were just going to leave me there." "Oh you know I'd never do that. No, I was remembering that some boys gave you a smile and you turned beet red and nearly sunk under the table." "Oh. Right. I remember that. I still do blush a lot." We continued eating and gossiping and it felt good at the end to pull out my credit card and pay the bill. "I know I've said this before Aunt Clara, but really want to thank you. You saved my life by taking me in." "Oh hush." "No really. If you weren't there to run to and if you weren't strong when Carl showed up the first time, I don't think I would have survived." "Blow your nose dear you are getting teary eyed. I am glad you came. I am still not sure that becoming Andrea was a good idea, no, shush and listen to me. I am still not sure as I said but you are doing well. I also must confess that your being here has helped me and Marnie. I think she understands that at 48 I am not the person I was at 38 and can be trusted. Oh Lord I hope so." "Do you think she will move in with you?" "I plan to ask her soon." "I hope it works out Aunt Clara. On the subject of moving do you have a broker you trust I can use to find an apartment or should I just go through the papers?" We both knew I had to move out on my own and even if it was hard to discuss we talked about it. Aunt Clara suggested a couple of landlords to approach directly and I reminded her about my finances and wanting to be near the college. I waited until two weeks had passed since I broke with Lisa and then gave her a call during my lunch break. I had this image in my head. I would say "hi" we stumble awkwardly for a bit then I'd ask her if she wanted to go to the art museum in Williamstown. She'd tell me she missed me and we would agree to get together the following Sunday. It didn't work that way. Lisa let me know how much I had hurt her. She told me plainly that if I was so uncomfortable being myself or felt that she was "oversexed" I could wait until I had grown up and then find some one else. Then she said she was moving on and the phone clicked and went dead. I sat there stunned. I was too numb to cry and just went back to my desk and worked the rest of the afternoon. I had class that evening and when it was done Jerry came over. "You OK?" "What? Yes. It's just some family stuff." "Can I buy you some coffee?" We sat in Starbucks and Jerry talked. This time he asked questions about me. I was still numb and mumbled responses including saying I had broken up with someone recently and that was why I so down. It didn't occur to me that there was a subplot to Jerry's interest and we parted as we always did with waves and "see yas". I suppose that I should not have been surprised when two days later Jerry called me and asked if I wanted to go out for dinner. Then the penny dropped and I thought back over a couple of times at Starbucks, talks in the hall after class and me leaning forward, giving him a big smile and saying "Hey archery sounds interesting. Do you think you could show me, some time." I asked him to wait for a second. Then I thought about Lisa. Fine, she was moving on, well so was I, but I'd be honest about it, or at least as much as I could. "Sure, dinner sounds great, just as long as you keep repeating this is not a date, this is not a date." Jerry laughed. "I'll try." Again is became an issue of how to dress. The last thing I wanted to do was wear anything that said "come on big boy" at the same time I had grown to really like dressing nicely. I decided to take a bit of a chance and wore closely tailored grey slacks, a black camisole and a white blouse that I could unbutton a bit if I felt daring. I brought a pair of two inch heels to work with me though I wore sensible flats for driving. It seemed to me that I had chosen a nice middle ground between drab and sexy and settled down at my desk to answer phones and file. I walked over to a car to put some more information brochures out and passed Marnie. She looked me up and down. "So who are you planning on seducing?" "What? I am not planning on, oh Ms. Jarman give me a break. I chose this outfit to look nice and deliberately not as a come on." Marnie took me by the elbow and led me to her office. She closed the door and pushed me onto the couch. "Andrea, that outfit shouts "hey pay attention to me". You may not have planned it but think about it for a moment. Remember I look at women with a special eye. Right? Okay then. Those slacks show off your cute little tush. The camisole allows your breasts to move a bit and without a brassiere the forms are free to wave nipples in the breeze as it were." "Christ Marnie..." "No really. You are very attractive. You are showing off your assets which is your length and, shall we say perkiness." "Damn. Marnie I am going out to dinner with a guy. I told him up front this is not a date and in fact I'm going to tell him I'm a lesbian. I was trying to dress to say that I might be good looking but I am not hunting for man." "Well if you are not hunting then take an elephant gun for defense. He'd have to be dead not to be attracted. Take it easy Andrea. Just be up front with him, tell him early in the evening, offer to split the bill at the end and maybe you'll make a good friend. So we sat in the restaurant and before Jerry could get beyond the "How nice you look" platitudes, I jumped into the deep end. "Jerry before we go any further and you lean over far enough to burn your nose on the candle I have to tell you something. I really like you but it is only going to be as a friend. I'm a lesbian and the person I broke up with is named Lisa. I want to get to know you better because you are fun, considerate and, hey I admit it, good looking, but it's just friends." I held my breath. Jerry was looking at me with wide eyes. "You are gay?" "As the queen of spades." "Oh." "Sorry Jerry. That's why I said this wasn't a date. I like you. Oh I said that. You haven't been like, I mean, you..." "Yeah I had some thoughts. Oh well, here's to shattered dreams and maybe a friendship. I'll still take you to the range and show you how to shoot." "Oh good (and then I couldn't help myself) are there any cute girls there? Hey I'm just kidding. At this moment a relationship is the last thing I want. Pass the bread please." Chapter 6: Home I leaned against the wall and wiped the sweat off my face. Jerry was sitting on the couch and Maria was doing something in the kitchen alcove. Marnie and Aunt Clara had run off to purchase some cleaning supplies. I was almost moved in and totally exhausted. The past couple of days had been spent finding a bed, a table and chairs, more chairs, and dishes. Aunt Clara and I visited every used furniture store and consignment shop in a twenty mile radius and I had graciously managed to avoid being the recipient of every piece of furniture that she and Marnie didn't want any more. The most amazing thing was that Aunt Clara had decided that we needed all of Sunday to complete the move and didn't insist on going to church. The day before, Paul and his son helped us carry the bed, mattress, a dresser and a couch up the three flights of stairs. Today Jerry and Maria helped finish the job. Maria came in and plopped down on the area rug in front of the couch. "Whew I am exhausted. Do you know that you have five different patterns of plates, bowls and cups in there?" "Uh huh. I like to think of this place as an eclectic collection of cast offs." Jerry laughed and chatted with Maria as I straightened out some books. I looked around at my new home. It was a very small two room apartment. I estimated it was about 390 square feet. The kitchen was an alcove off the living/dining room. It was on the third floor with no elevator. The building was old and one of the two windows was taken over by an air conditioner, but it was mine. It was perfect. I could drive to work in five minutes, to the college in fifteen. Best of all, it had its own parking lot and the spaces were allotted so I knew I would always have a place off the street. "Hey Andrea snap out of it." "What?" "We asked if you wanted to go out to dinner." "Let's see what Marnie and Aunt Clara are up to." We wasted time gossiping and then, when it became clear that Marnie and Aunt Clara wanted some time alone, we found a local pizzeria and indulged in cheese, sausage, soda and talk until I begged off, claiming exhaustion, and walked back to my place. I undressed and showered. The shower stall was small with a worn tile floor. After living at Aunt Clara's I was going to have to get used to less space. I brushed my teeth and hair and pulled on panties and a nightgown. I grabbed my robe and went back out to the main room to sit on the couch and think. I couldn't help but think about Lisa. I knew that if she were here she would be pulling off my nightgown and wrestling me to the ground but in my fantasies we were cuddling on the couch slowly easing each other's clothing off, playing, teasing, and maybe even merging into one if the mood was right. I shook myself back to reality. It was almost eleven. We sat at the pizzeria for almost three hours. I turned off the lights and wondering if I would be able to sleep this first night in a new place passed out cold and slept until the alarm went off. "OK Dr. Franck. I am seeing a therapist, I am going to a support group and I am living alone as a woman. I really want to start with hormones." I was on the phone with Dr. Franck and she was again hemming and hawing about hormone therapy. I had a trump card but I did not want to play it. Dr. Miller could refer me to an endocrinologist. I liked Dr. Franck so I wanted to work through her. "OK Andrea. I'll refer you to Dr. Herald. I want to see you in six months however. You'll get a referral slip with her number in a few days. I am still not sure about this but I trust you to stick with Dr. Miller. Say hello to Marnie." I walked back into MJ's Classic Motors. I had stepped outside to take the call. Susan was covering the desk and stood up to let me take my seat. I smiled, thanked her and went back to my stack of papers. The job was mindless and I thought about something Dr. Miller and I had discussed. "I just don't know. Half the time I am gung-ho about being a woman and absolutely know it is the right thing to do because there is a woman inside of me demanding to be free. The rest of the time I wonder if I want to be a woman because I want to be everything that is the opposite of my father." "How will you decide what is right?" "Oh I know what is right. I am Andrea. I just don't know why. Is that important." "It could be Andrea. If you make the right choice for the wrong reasons it is no big deal. You can work out the whys later. But making the wrong choice not only leads to practical complications but many people beat themselves up with the "what ifs" and the "how could Is". A customer walked in and I raised my head. Neither Paul nor Marnie were in the showroom so I stood up and walked towards her getting ready to make my standard greeting. Halfway there I almost stumbled. The woman was in her early thirties and with out doubt the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. "Welcome to MJ's Classic Motors. Can I help you?" I managed to get the words out while staring at this goddess. She was a little shorter than me with jet black hair a deep, dark eyes. The conservative business suit did nothing to hide a high and large bust and her small waist flared to nice hips. She smiled back and I couldn't help but think she knew the effect she had on people. "Yes, can someone help me? I saw the advertisement for a Jaguar E-type on your web site." I stuttered a bit, pointed out the car to her and found Paul who went to play the salesman. Back at my desk I occasionally would look up and admire the woman. Once she turned and saw me looking and gave me a smile. I blushed, looked down and felt my heart pound. When she left, Paul came over to drop some papers on my desk. "Well that will be a sale I am sure. Nice woman. Knows her cars, her father used to drive one a lot like that Jag." "Yes, she's really pretty." "Pretty nothing, that woman is stunning and her husband told her to go and find the car of her dreams, the lucky guy." Paul shook his head as if to clear away a dream and wandered off. As I put papers in order I daydreamed about the woman. I would bring her up to my little flat and we would kiss in the doorway. She would kick off her shoes and wrap her arms around me and I would feel her breasts pushing against mine. I stopped. I replayed the fantasy in my head. Yes, even when I daydreamed about sex with beautiful women I was Andrea. In my daydreams I never worried about someone discovering I had a penis. In fact, as I thought about it, in my daydreams sex never got that far except with Lisa. I made a mental note to bring this up with Dr. Miller and got back to sorting and filing. Dr. Herald took some blood and urine, pushed and prodded my neck, armpits and groin and then pushed and prodded my brain. Then she talked about side effects and things to watch for. Finally she told me that after the test results were in she would either send me a prescription for hormones or else call me in to talk further. Then she went over all the potential problems involved in hormone therapy a second time and sent me on my way. It is strange. Within a minute of meeting Dr. Franck I knew I liked her. Within a minute of meeting Dr. Herald I knew that while I could work with her it would never be a friendly relationship. In both cases I knew nothing about the doctor when I reached that decision; it was as if I could smell something. It didn't matter though. Dr. Herald made it clear she would prescribe hormones as long as nothing problematic showed up in the tests. My cell phone rang on the way home and Maria asked if I wanted to join Jerry and her bowling. I agreed and headed home. Then it struck; Jerry and Maria. For a moment I couldn't identify the feeling then I did. Damn, I was jealous. I couldn't allow myself to be. After all wasn't I a lesbian and Jerry a guy. Didn't I tell him that I wasn't going to date him? Oh hell and corruption. I wanted to call back and say I couldn't make it but I needed to get out and do something. I was done with my class work and didn't need to study. I had no book that had to be read and Aunt Clara was off to New York. I changed out of my work clothing and decided to dress, as Marnie would say, to hunt. I started by pulling on a very tight pair of support panties that kept me well tucked in. I followed that with a skin tight dark blue halter top. The lace of my brassiere showed through the material but that was OK. Tight jeans and a loose blouse tied at the waist rather than buttoned completed the outfit. It was still slushy outdoors though most of the snow had melted but I decided to go with some black heels rather than be sensible and wear sneakers or boots. I smiled as I looked in the mirror. "Damn girl (I heard Lisa in the back of my head) you look hot tonight." I didn't really. I was too skinny and my face too angular and my jaw too strong to really look hot but I didn't look bad and the way I was dressed was a signal. I was saying "Look here. If you are right for me, and I'll do the choosing, then maybe, just maybe, you and I can have some fun." Now let it be known far and wide that I am a terrible bowler. We played two games and I scored 72 and 63. Maria was a little better and Jerry, who brought his own ball and shoes threw a 178 and a 184. We had a great time. It was fun watching Jerry move in on Maria and fun watching Maria play the game of flirting. I hoped that they clicked and felt a bit like a third wheel on a bicycle. I was about to excuse mys