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I Know Who I Am Author's Note: Typically I write from my own fantasy life but in this case Brian spoke to me and just wouldn't quit until I agreed to write it down. I hope I did justice to the story. I reached over and rolled down the window. It was a beautiful day and I just had to feel the wind blowing through my hair. I felt like it was my first real day of freedom. My big sister was driving. She had just turned 16 and gotten her driver's license. Mom and Dad had given her a new car, well new to us. I don't know a whole lot about cars but I know this one is more than a few years old. But it is in good shape according to Dad and I didn't see any dents or scratches. Liz couldn't wait to take it out. She went and showed it off to some of her friends last night. Today, though, she promised to take me shopping. "I sure hope Mom and Dad don't find out about this, little sis," Liz suddenly broke the silence. "I just got this car and I don't want them to take it away again." "Why would they complain?" I asked in innocence. "I've been saving my own money." "You know what I mean," she shook her head as we pulled into the outlet mall parking lot. * - * - * Liz was 4 years old when I was born. My parents really didn't need another kid but they scraped together enough money each month to keep us fed and clean. My mom didn't work a job outside the house, she stayed home to take care of us. One way to save money was that I got all Liz's old baby clothes. Once I started getting old enough to talk and walk, they finally decided they had to bite the bullet and buy me some new clothes. I didn't know any different and was soon dressing like the year old boy I was supposed to be. My sister still had other ideas and would often take me into her room and pull out her toddler clothes from a box in the closet. I was a living doll to her, but what did I know? I didn't care if I was in a jumper or a frilly little dress. One day Mom came into Liz's room while we were playing together and announced to Liz, "Brian is getting too big to be wearing your old clothes. He's a boy and needs to be dressing that way." "It's ok, Mom," Liz explained. "The clothes all fit him just fine. He likes playing dress-up with me." "When I said he is getting bigger, I meant older," Mom told her. "He'll be starting school next year and he needs to be used to wearing just boy clothes." With that she left the room. Liz looked at me and told me it would be the last time we could play dress up. I remember not really understanding what was going on. I was 4 now but I hadn't spent a lot of time around any other kids so when we played dress up I thought it was just something I wore when we played in Liz's room. A few months later mom came into the room again and found us playing. I was wearing my favorite red dress with a little white collar. It was almost getting too small for me but it was my favorite. She threw a fit when she saw us screaming at Liz that she had told her not to do it any longer. "But he pulled it out of the box and wouldn't stop crying until I helped him put it on," Liz pleaded. "You," she pointed at Liz, "stay here in your room and get those boxes of old clothes out of the closet. You," she grabbed my arm, "we are going to your room." She dragged me across the hall to my bedroom and yanked the dress off over my head. She was mortified to see I was wearing an old pair of Liz's underwear. She pulled them off me as well and proceeded to get clothes out of my dresser and dress me again. "Now, you sit right here on your bed and think about being a boy," she lectured. "You do not wear dresses or panties. You have your own clothes and that is what you wear." I looked at her with tears streaming down my face. I really didn't understand why I couldn't wear things like the red dress. Liz didn't mind if I borrowed it and she even used to help. That night Dad came to my room and tried to explain, "Brian, boys don't wear dresses or frilly clothes like girls do. Boys are rough and roll around a lot. It isn't good for boys to dress that way. That is why we always wear pants or shorts." "But I like dresses," I told him. "If I don't play rough and roll around can I still wear them?" "No," he was getting upset. "Those aren't boy's clothes. I should have stopped your mother and sister from dressing you up in those clothes right off the bat. But we didn't have the money so I let them. But that is over now. You have your own clothes and that is all you will wear!" With that he got up and left. * - * - * Over the next couple months I was able to locate the boxes that were taken away from Liz. I would carefully take things out and sneak them into my room when nobody was looking. One day Liz came into my room without knocking. She saw me standing there with a dress half pulled over my head, the underwear I had put on was so tight the waistband was practically cutting into my skin. "They are getting too small for me," I sniffled. Liz quickly closed the door and came to me. She pulled the dress off and told me to take the panties off. "Put your clothes back on and come to my room," she whispered. I smiled and dried my eyes. I knew my big sis would help me out. I carefully folded the clothes back up and after getting dressed I snuck through the house and put them back in the box they came from, being very careful to replace them exactly as I had found them. Then I closed the box exactly the same. As I was starting to reach for the doorknob to Liz's room Mom called out, "I'm going next door to Doreen's for a few minutes. Liz, keep an eye on your brother." I heard the door close. Before I could touch the knob the door jerked open. "What luck!" Liz screeched as she pulled me into her room. "Mom and Doreen never shut up, she'll be gone for at least an hour, maybe more." "So," I asked, "what are we going to do?" "Well, little sis," Liz grinned, "Mom still hasn't cleaned out my closet of the clothes I've grown out of lately. I'm betting they will fit you." A smile lit up my face. Liz always liked to call me little sis when we played dress up. I knew I was in for a real treat. "Do you have somewhere in your room where you can hide these?" Liz asked handing me a couple pairs of her old cotton underwear. "Mom can't find them or we'll both be in big trouble." I nodded. I was sure I could find someplace. I stripped off all my clothes and pulled on a pair of the panties, white cotton with little blue flowers and blue lace around the waist and legs. They fit so much more comfortably than the pair I had squeezed into earlier. I stood there waiting to see what she would dig out of her closet for me to try. Liz found three dresses and two skirts with blouses that fit me. I hated having to take one off once I got it on, but couldn't wait to put on the next one. I couldn't decide which one I liked the most: the sleeveless yellow sundress or the blue pleated skirt with the white blouse that had a collar like my old favorite red dress. I decided to wear the yellow sundress that day. We ran around the house playing a sort of game of tag, our dresses flying out behind us as we ran down the long hallway. I don't know why Dad feels like boys can't wear dresses. I was and I was having a ball. We almost didn't hear Mom coming across the porch to the front door we were having so much fun. We raced to Liz's room and closed the door. She hurriedly pulled the dress off me and I stripped off the underwear. She raced around to hide the clothes that were laid out while I put on my boy clothes. When her bedroom door opened Mom found us in a game of Go Fish. "Everything alright here?" she asked. "Yup," Liz answered. "Everything is fine. Have any 7s?" "Go fish," I answered. Mom pulled the door closed and left. We looked at each other and giggled. * - * - * Fortunately, Mom wasn't too diligent about cleaning out the closets; probably because we didn't get a lot of new things to put in them. Our clothes were in good shape, just not very new. Sometimes I wondered why Mom and Dad didn't just let me wear Liz's old clothes, I would certainly like that. School started for me and Mom walked me to my classroom the first day. There were a lot of other kids in the kindergarten class with me and we all got to pick our seat. I grabbed an empty seat that had a boy on one side and a girl on the other side. She was wearing a pretty red velvet dress. "Hi, I'm Brian," I introduced myself to her. "Hi, I'm Kate," she smiled back. "I really like your dress," I told her and reached to touch the material. "Thanks, my mom thought I should wear something pretty for the first day." "Ooh, look at you," the boy from the other side of me chided. "Do you want a pretty dress too?" He gave me a little push. I wanted to say yes, but the look on his face made me think about the things Dad said about what boys were supposed to wear. Before I could answer the teacher came over. "Is there a problem here?" she asked. "Yeah," the boy pointed at me. "He wants to wear her dress!" All the other kids started laughing. "No he doesn't," Kate protested. "He just told me he thought it was pretty. He was being nice." "Fine," the teacher answered looking at the three of us. "Peter, if you can't behave yourself we can find you another seat, maybe one in the hall or in the principal's office. You are not off to a very good start. "Brian, it was nice of you to try and make friends but we will all get to know each other soon enough. You need to be paying attention to me right now. So all of you need to sit up and listen." With that she turned and went back to the center of the room and started talking again. I got through the rest of the day without incident and everything was fine when Mom and Dad picked me up after school. When I got home I went to Liz's room and told her all about what happened. "You have to be careful at school," she told me. "I've seen some boys beat up on other boys because they wanted to play hopscotch or jump rope with the girls. I don't know why they do it but if you spend too much time around the girls it sounds like Peter might be like that too." "Great," I told her. "I can't talk to the girls like I want, and I have to hide little sis from Mom and Dad. Why can't I just act like I want? I'm not hurting anyone?" "I don't know," Liz pulled me into a hug. "Maybe we'll figure it out when we get older." Of course we didn't realize those questions don't ever seem to get answered. I made it through several years of school and home without getting caught playing dress up. I had a lot of help from my big sis. * - * - * We pulled into a parking space and before we got out of the car Liz turned to me. "Hey, I can't just keep calling you little sis around people. And if I call you Brian while you are wearing that skirt someone will probably have something to say. I am just hoping we don't run into any of Mom's friends here," Liz looked nervously through the windows. "Aren't you worried?" "No, I am so excited!" I told her. "This is the first time I've gotten to leave the house dressed like I really want to dress. I've saved my allowance and lunch money for the last year hoping we would get to do this." I thought for a moment. "Isabel," I stated. "And you can call me Izzy for short." "Really? Liz looked at me. "Isabel? Are you sure?" "Yeah," a smile crept across my face. "A belle of the ball, that's what I really want to be, so 'is a belle'. Get it?" Liz shook her head. "You really are too smart for your age. So I guess asking if you really want to do this would be a stupid question." "Come on," I urged opening the door, "let's get going." I was practically running for the mall stores not thinking about anything but looking for some clothes of my own. "Izzy!" she called stopping me in my tracks. "You need to slow down. 12 year olds don't go running about making their skirt bounce up and flash their panties. We aren't running around in the house. You need to behave like a good little girl." I nodded trying to curb my excitement. We walked together into the first store. I looked around trying to pay attention to other girls my age in the store and act accordingly. I hadn't really thought of watching them at school, I was more interested in how they were dressed rather than how they acted. I had so much fun going through the racks of clothes. I picked out a dozen dresses I wanted to try on in the first store but Liz told me I needed to limit my choices to just a few and reminded me we would be visiting several more stores. We bounced from store to store and made a purchase here and there. I did talk her into letting me try on a beautiful little party dress that I saw in one store even though I knew there wasn't any way I would be able to pay for it. In the end I bought a couple packages of panties, a dress, a skirt with a top to go along with it. Liz suggested I might also want a bra since girls my age start wearing them so I got one of them too. As we were heading back to the car we heard someone call Liz's name. When we turned to look she recognized three of her girlfriends from school. "Oh, shit," she muttered. I rarely heard her use bad language. "Hey Liz, what are you up to?" spoke the one in the lead as they approached. "I had to take my little sister shopping today. Part of the price of my new car," she told them. "Yeah, I hear you," whined another. "I have a little brother and sister and now that I have my license my folks seem to think I should be driving them everywhere they need to go. It is so not fair." "Oh, I don't mind," Liz told them. "Izzy and I like spending time together." "Izzy and Lizzy?" the third girl spoke up. "Which is why I only go by Liz," she frowned. "Elizabeth and Isabel don't sound that cutesy when you say them together. By the way, Izzy, this is Debbie, Connie and Joann." She pointed to each as she named them. "Hi," I waved. They dismissed me with hardly a glance. "Well, I need to be getting us home," Liz explained. "I'll see you guys at school on Monday." They waved to each other and we walked the rest of the way to the car. "Did you think of that Izzy Lizzy thing when you came up with the name?" Liz questioned me. "Actually, no," I confessed. "But it does sound like something Mom would have done." We both laughed as we got in the car. We got home well before Mom or Dad arrived. I went about taking my new clothes out of the bags and removing all the tags. Then I changed back into my drabs (what I had taken to calling my boy clothes) so I could take the trash out to hide in the bottom of the trashcan. I went back to my room and carefully hid all my new clothes away. I stood there looking at my closet fantasizing that it was full of dresses and skirts and blouses and sweaters in plain sight. I sighed and closed the door. I crossed the hall to Liz's room. "I had so much fun today! Thank you! When can we do it again?" "Slow down," Liz was hanging a new dress she had bought in her closet, my exuberance faded again as I was reminded of my drab closet. "First of all, I had a lot of fun too; right up until my friends caught us. I would catch a lot of grief at school if they had figured out you were my brother instead of my sister. Some kids will tease or cause trouble over anything." "Does that mean you won't take me shopping again?" I felt deflated. "No, I just want to be more prepared next time. You got some cute outfits today and you'll be able to wear one next time but we aren't going to be doing it every week, ok?" I brightened up and nodded enthusiastically. * - * - * The day finally came that Mom, Dad and I were piled onto the bleacher seats waiting for Liz to walk across the stage and accept her High School Diploma! They had no idea that I had taken to wearing panties under my clothes whenever I wasn't going to school. I had seen a couple of the older kids pull a kid's pants down in front of everyone in the cafeteria when the teacher wasn't looking. He was mortified but if it had been me while wearing my good underwear! My life would have been over. I had just turned 14 and I was really trying to come to grips with Brian. I wasn't having any problems with Izzy. I wanted to wear nightgowns to bed but I hadn't even bought any because what would be the point if I couldn't wear them at night. And my body was starting to change in ways that I didn't like. I was now taller than Liz. Which worked out nice in some ways, we borrowed each other's clothes sometimes. It always made me feel good when she would come into the kitchen in the morning wearing a dress I bought and Mom would tell her how nice she looked. I had managed to establish enough independence to be able to not get my hair cut. It was long over my shoulders now. My dad hated it, my mom said as long as I kept it clean it was fine. Fortunately I wasn't getting much hair elsewhere yet, but I knew it was a matter of time. We yelled and screamed as Liz walked across the stage. And when it was all over we took all sorts of pictures. I saw Liz's friends nearby and Liz escaped to join them without Mom and Dad so we wouldn't get caught in an awkward situation explaining why she suddenly had a brother instead of a sister. Liz went on to a graduation party while we went home. I was sitting in my room when I reached a decision. I went to Liz's room and picked out an outfit, stripped completely down and dressed up again. I looked myself over in her mirror and taking a breath I marched into the living room. "What the hell?" my father exploded. "What do you think you are doing?" "Brian, go put Liz's clothes back and put your clothes back on. You are too old to be playing dress up," you could hear her going tsk, tsk behind the words. "No," I answered standing my ground. "This isn't dress up. This is who I am. It is who I have always been. I shouldn't have been born a boy at all. I would have been happier being a girl." "I told you dressing him in Liz's baby clothes was a bad idea," my dad chided my mother. "I don't even remember that," I told him trying to defend that choice. "And when I did take notice of what I was wearing I preferred dressing like a girl." I moved to a chair and carefully took a seat. "Why now," Mom asked. "Why have you suddenly decided to start doing this again? Is it because you're afraid you are losing your sister when she goes off to college?" "No, Mom," I answered patiently. "I have been dressing in Liz's old clothes and her current clothes all along. I've just been very careful about not getting caught." I decided to keep my own stash secret still in case they thought they could throw it all out. At least they couldn't throw out Liz's stuff. "Christ, I'm getting a beer," Dad left the room. Mom frowned, I wasn't sure whether it was because of Dad and his beer or me in Liz's dress. I just sat there with my hands folded in my lap atop my skirt. "Son," my Dad called as he came back into the room. "I don't know if I can even call you that with you looking that way. What is wrong? Why are you doing this? Go put on some decent clothes." "These are decent clothes," I protested. "It's my other clothes that are wrong. They aren't the real me. These are!" The front door opened and Liz walked in. "Hey, what's.. oh," she cut herself off. "It's ok dear," Mom assured her. "Brian was just telling us he has been wearing your clothes. We have been telling him to put them back before he ruins them." Liz stared at me for a minute. "Don't worry about it," she told them. "He is always careful with them. He always keeps a napkin in his lap when he eats to avoid getting any food on them. Isn't that right, little sis?" I just nodded. She was taking a big chance backing me up, but she was 18 now and she was making a choice to support me. I felt a tear come to my eye I was so proud of having her for my sister. I wanted to rush across the room and throw my arms around her. "You've known about this?" Dad growled. "Yes," she confirmed. "He was so miserable not being able to play dress up. I thought he would outgrow it but he never did. Instead he wanted to be a girl more. And believe me, he knows the problems he was setting himself up for. We have had a lot of conversations about what would happen if some one of his friends saw him. I couldn't talk him out of it, so I did what I could to support him. Somebody should in this family. I don't care if he is my brother or becomes my sister or what. I love him." With that I think she felt my heart trying to pull her across the room because she immediately came to me, sat on the edge of the chair I was in and wrapped her arms around me. "Isn't this just great," Dad grumbled. "Maybe we should have had two boys and then the older one could have straightened him out before it got to this. "Don't you get it, Dad?" I asked. "It wouldn't matter if Liz was a brother, sister or didn't exist. I know that this is who I am! "There is another kid at school. Someone found out he had three older sisters that used to dress him up all the time. He hated it. He hated them teasing him, he hated his sisters for dressing him up. He hated all of it. You could tell by the way he talked about it. "If I had been found out, I wouldn't have been able to fake that I didn't like it. Everyone would have been able to see that I enjoyed it." We all sat there looking at each other for several minutes. Liz kept her arms wrapped around me. "What are you asking of us," Mom finally broke the silence. "I want to talk to a doctor," I sat up straighter letting go of Liz. She pulled her arms away but didn't move from the chair. "I've been reading about other people who have gone through what I am going through. Most of them waited a long time before realizing they couldn't deny what they always felt." "Nobody is going to do a sex change on a 14 year old," Dad practically shouted. "I'm not letting you do it. Besides, I bet that is expensive; there isn't any way we could afford it." "I don't know if a sex change is in my future," I assured him, "but I would like to see about taking hormones. It will keep my body from getting too much more male and give me time to find out just who I am completely. I just know this is where I want to start. "Also, I want to start high school next year as a girl," I was starting to sweat a little now and my heart was racing. "Are you gay?" Dad asked. "Have you been looking at boys?" I could see how miserable he was becoming, I tried to allay his worries but I didn't know the answers. "To be honest, I don't know if I am interested in boys or girls," I tried to explain. "Right now I am so worried about who I am that I haven't thought about who I would want to go on a date with. Right now I have no interest in anyone." "So, you want to be a girl, but not because you want to date boys," Mom confirmed. "This doesn't make any sense to me." "I know, I am confused about it too," I was beginning to cry a little. "What if I do like boys but I am supposed to be a girl? Then I am not gay, right? But if I like girls and want to be a girl but I am still a boy, then what am I? Does it matter? This is why I am not thinking about it now. I need to get me straightened out first." They stared at me for a few moments. Liz placed an arm around my waist and pulled me close to her. "Besides," I added, "is it really all that important to you that you put some label on me?" That was the wrong thing to say to Dad. He exploded. "What the hell do you think other people are going to do? Do you have any idea how tough high school is for normal kids? You add in all this garbage and you'll be getting the crap beat out of you every day!" Tears were flowing freely down my face. It was time to admit the one thing I hadn't even told Liz. "Perhaps it would be better if I didn't even exist," I told them. "What do you mean, dear," Mom was now more concerned than angry. "There have been times that I've thought it might be better if I were dead rather than having to live in this way." "Oh, little sis, no!" Liz once again wrapped me in her arms. "Don't ever think that way, I don't know what I would do without you." "Would you please stop calling your brother little sis," Dad commanded. "You are just making things worse." "Didn't you hear her?" Liz fired back. "She was talking suicide! Things don't get worse!" Mom hadn't said anything in a while. "Everyone please be quiet," she practically whispered but the quietness commanded all of our attention. "You've given us quite a shock today, Brian," she looked at me. "Is the suicide talk just something more to shock us so we will let you do it or are you serious about having thought about it?" "Don't start buying into..." Dad started. "Shush, let Brian answer," she ordered Dad. "Brian?" I had noticed that Liz had started using she and her when talking about me, but that wasn't a big surprise, I knew it would be easy for her because she had been dealing with Izzy for a long time. But Mom had reached a tipping point, Dad was still a long way from accepting me. "I am serious," I sat up straighter. I wasn't sure how I was going to do it. We don't have pills or a gun in the house so maybe jumping off a roof, or getting hit by a bus. I didn't want it to hurt; I wanted it to be quick. So I never got past the thinking about it part. But next year is going to be harder. School will be tougher and Liz will be away at college. I will be alone." "No, baby," Mom tried to comfort me. "You won't be alone. Your dad and I are always here for you." "That is why we are here like this now!" I tried to show her. "You think you know me but you don't! Only Liz has known the real me." "Well," Mom started sitting up on the couch, "I hope you weren't expecting an answer right away. You may have had time to think about this but we certainly haven't. I know I need time to think about all this and I need to look up some things so I can see what should be done." "Really?" Dad frowned. He was on his second beer now and drinking it fast. "You are buying into all this?" "I am willing to listen and check on things," she answered. I nodded and got up from my chair. Liz stood up with me. "Thank you, Mom," I told her. "That is all I can ask." With that I left the room. Liz and I went to her bedroom and closed the door. "I can't believe you did that," Liz exclaimed when we were alone. "I just about had a fit when I saw you in my dress with Mom and Dad." "I was afraid if I wore something of mine they might make me throw everything out," I told her. "Oh, I wasn't upset about you wearing my dress," she shook her head. "You could have worn something of yours; Mom has seen me wearing them and wouldn't have known it belonged to you. I was just shocked that Izzy was talking to Mom and Dad." "Well, you heard most of it and I didn't think about that. I might have worn one of my pleated skirts instead. How was your party?" "I came home early, didn't I?" she answered. "Bunch of guys thought the object of the party was to hook up with someone as quick as possible. I got bored and left. And I am so glad I did." "What do you think Mom and Dad will do?" I asked. "Mom will look into it. Dad may not ever go along but then again he could surprise you. Don't expect an answer any time soon though. "And one other thing, I think the dress you picked was a better choice. It looks like a dress a good 14 year old would wear somewhere. Not too short but flirty and fun. It is one of my favorites." We both changed clothes and talked more about the day. I put my drabs back on and went to my room. Undressed again and went to bed. I couldn't go right to sleep though. I just stared at the ceiling for hours. * - * - * A month went by and nothing more was said about Izzy. I didn't want to force the issue but Mom did see Liz and Izzy return from a shopping trip one day. I didn't say anything to her, I just went to my room and put my things away. I did change into my drabs before leaving my room. As I said, I didn't want to rub their noses in it, but I didn't want them to think it was going away either. A week later Mom called me into the kitchen and told me she had made an appointment with a doctor to talk about Izzy. The doctor was a psychiatrist who dealt with gender issues. I was thrilled until she told me that Dad didn't want any part in it. That saddened me some but at least Mom was willing to continue. The doctor spoke to me for a long time. She had long meetings with Mom and Liz as well. When we finally all got into the room together she answered some of the questions. "Brian would not be aware of the fact that he was wearing girl's baby clothes at that young age. You knew they difference so that is why you keep blaming yourself for this situation," she explained. "The other fear that he became this way because he just wants to emulate his big sister should also be dismissed. While he might want to dress like her and do things she does initially, his involvement with other boys his age would have started him moving along a normal development line for a boy his age. "The fact that he continued to foster the Izzy image through all this shows a deep-seated need to acknowledge his feminine yearnings. "In talking with Izzy," indeed I was there as Izzy, "I have found an incredibly well grounded teenager with an exceptional self-image. She knows who she is and needs to work on being more fully expressive in that identity. "I recommend starting hormone therapy and re-evaluating the progress through the next couple years. "Izzy, remember, things will be changing for you over this time period. If you find that you have changed your mind, that you really want to remain a boy, we can stop this and eventually your body will recover. That doesn't necessarily mean you will want to stop wearing dresses. There are a lot of boys and men that like to wear women's clothes and don't actually want to be girls themselves." "Thank you, doctor," I told her. "I understand and I really believe I should be a girl. I look forward to talking to you more." "Alright then," the doctor started addressing Mom again. "One thing you will need is a letter saying Izzy is going through this transformation under a doctor's care. You will need to give a copy to the school. I am sure they will want to make certain arrangements, like you probably won't be able to take P.E. Izzy; they probably wouldn't want you to use either locker room. They may also want to make special restroom accommodations. "Izzy, I know we spoke of this before but I want to say it again with your support group here, this is a very difficult path you have chosen at a time that is very difficult for most teenagers. Be very sure this is what you want." I looked at Liz and Mom, then turned to the doctor. "It has already been difficult trying to be Brian. Being Izzy will be the easy part. I will deal with the other problems as they come up." With that we left the office and drove home. I was so excited that I wasn't going to have to hide any more. The first problem arose when we got home. We came into the house and found Dad sitting at the kitchen table, a beer in his hand and three empty cans crushed and scattered across the table. "Well, well," he slurred. "Back from talking to the doctor, eh, and doesn't my son look pretty. So, what did the doctor say, am I expecting a new daughter?" "What are you doing home?" Mom asked him. "I told them I was feeling sick and needed to take the rest of the day off," he rolled his eyes over to her. "So, what happened?" "If you had come to the appointment instead of sitting her getting drunk you would already know." Liz gently pushed me from behind urging me out the door. We went into my room and closed the door. We could hear Mom and Dad arguing but tried to ignore it. The distraction helped: all my good clothes were scattered about my room and there was an empty beer can on my desk. Liz helped me pick everything up and hang or refold them. Fortunately it looked like all he did was throw everything around and not damage them. I was so afraid I'd find then all torn up. I did decide to take advantage of the fact that my closet was empty now. I took the boxes I had hidden my good clothes in and packed them full of my drabs. We then stocked my dresser with the foldable clothes and hung the rest. Liz and I stood back and looked at my closet. It was woefully empty but it was my fantasy closet. It was filled with my pretty clothes. "Hold on a sec," Liz instructed and left the room. She returned a couple minutes later with an armful of clothes. She went straight to the closet and added them to my collection. "You've never minded wearing my hand-me-downs so I hope you'll accept these. I had already decided I wasn't going to be taking them with me to college and now I am sure you can get good use from them." I turned and hugged her as tight as I could. "Thank you," I whispered. I could feel her breasts pressing against me and wondered if I would get some of my own. I wanted something to fill the bra other than tissue. * - * - * The first year of high school was indeed a struggle. A lot of the boys in the school harassed me snapping my bra or trying to lift my skirt, several of the girls as well. I did manage to make friends with a small group of guys and girls. There is strength in numbers. It seemed most of the time I got hassled was when I was alone before a teacher entered the classroom. I found it was best to never be alone for too long and I was very careful about where I went when I had to be alone. Actually, even as a group we were careful. Liz came back home for the summer. We went running around town having a great time. She told me all about her first year of college. It was so good having big sis back. I was really glad she was there when during the summer. Mom had finally reached a breaking point with Dad. He had stopped coming home until late at night, and he was always drunk. She finally told him to get his own place that we would be better off on our own. I sat there with Mom and Liz bawling my eyes out because his leaving was all my fault. Mom tried to reassure me that he was making his own choices. Things happen to everyone that they don't like and he could have accepted me and been supportive. It was his choice to become a jackass. I felt a little better, but I still blamed myself. That summer Liz decided it was time I started wearing make-up. She said the worst thing 15 year old girls do is slather on the make-up so they look like unfunny clowns. She took great care to show me how to do it properly. She took me to get my ears pierced as well. Now that I am 15 I picked up a couple job applications while we were at the mall. There was a bus that I could catch to get me there to work. I saw no need to tell anyone about my situation unless they asked me about it, which I was surprised that nobody did. I didn't feel it was anyone else's business. The doctor's appointments went along as well. I felt I could talk to her about anything. I was almost as open with her as with big sis, but there were still some things I kept just between Liz and me. I landed a job at one of the big stores. I sometimes worked the bridal registry area with all the toasters, bedspreads and stuff like that and that was ok. I really liked it when I got assigned to the clothing section, or the jewelry counter. Money was very tight at home, Dad was still sending money but he also had extra expenses of maintaining his own place, so there wasn't much. Mom went out to work, but after being away from the work force for so long the job she landed didn't pay a lot, therefore the money I made on my job went mostly to helping pay for my meds and helping Mom out with food and stuff. I almost never got to take advantage of my employee discount. The next year was a little better. Everyone must have become accustomed to seeing me because there were fewer insults. Some idiots just refused to give up. Also, my breasts were developing. They weren't much yet but now I needed to wear a bra! Another school year was done; Liz decided she needed to take some classes over the summer and stayed at college. But I turned 16 and got my license. Dad wasn't talking to me at all so I knew I couldn't expect anything for my birthday from him so I looked around for a few weeks and one of my friends knew someone who was selling a car for only $150! I worked some extra days and scraped together the money and bought it. If I thought Liz's first car was old, was I ever mistaken. After being able to drive to work for a couple weeks I decided to take a weekend off from work and drove up to Liz's college. It was so great being able to spend the weekend with Liz. And I was in a place where they had never heard of Brian. It was so exhilarating. When I got back from the trip I told the doctor I felt it was time to start planning on doing the surgery, I was ready to be completely Izzy. We talked about cost and recovery and everything. I was still a minor so my mom was in on the conversations as well. By now she had accepted Izzy completely. Maybe not in a Mom/Daughter let's do each other's toes kind of way, but she talked to me as Izzy and I always heard her using the right name and pronouns when talking with other people. Even when she didn't think I could hear her. In the end we decided I should wait until after I graduated from high school. I would take a year off before I started college. In the meantime I would be trying to save money like crazy. Junior and senior year passed without any real incidents. My friends and I went to the proms as a group rather than anyone dating someone else. That meant my girlfriends and I got to go dress shopping for prom dresses each year and that was so much fun. I missed my shopping trips with Liz a lot. Finally, my own graduation day came. I stood in my room looking at myself in the mirror. I had the graduation robe on over the dress I had bought just for this occasion. I hadn't zipped the robe closed yet so I was looking at me in the dress and I thought I looked good. I had enough breasts now that I had some cleavage visible in the low cut front of the dress. "Looking pretty sexy, little sis," came Liz's voice from the doorway. "Ah!" I screamed, "I didn't think you were coming!" I threw myself into her arms. "I wouldn't miss this for the world," she answered hugging me tight. "When you are ready, I would like you to come to the living room and meet someone." I followed Liz into the living room and saw a guy standing there I hadn't seen before. "Little sis, this is Mel. Mel, this is Izzy," she stepped to his side. "Nice meeting you, Izzy," he reached out and gently shook my hand. "Liz has told me all about you." I saw a slight shake of Liz's head and I got the message. Mel knew all about little sis, but not Brian. "It's nice meeting you too." "Izzy, Mel and I have been dating for about a year now. We got engaged last night!" She held her hand out toward me and I saw the small stone adorning her finger. I was stunned at first, then broke the trance and rushed across the space separating my sister and me and crushed her in another hug. "I'm so happy for you." "I should graduate in December, then we are thinking we'll have a spring wedding. Mom told me you have some plans for after graduation and if we have to wait we will, I won't plan the wedding until I am sure my little sis can be there as my maid of honor." "Everything should be fine by then," I whispered to her. "Thank you so much." We all piled into a couple cars and went to the graduation. I proudly walked across the stage when I heard my name announced to accept my diploma. I heard Mom, Liz and Mel cheering from the bleachers as well as my knot of friends scattered throughout the seats of graduates. After the ceremony I went to a party with my friends, but after a short time I told them I needed to go home and see my sister. They understood how close we were and after promising to get together again before the end of summer, I went home. Several weeks later I got the first surgery, others followed, but I survived them all. Once the swelling and bruising went away I would stand naked in front of my mirror looking at the body I knew I should always have had. Liz married in early May, she made such a beautiful bride. It made me want to find someone so that I could be a bride but I still hadn't decided who I wanted to date. I have to start somewhere, but there isn't any rush. College is next. I was getting ready to leave for college and had packed all my things up. Seems I wasn't just packing to go away, I wouldn't be coming back to this house again. Dad not showing up for my graduation was the last straw for Mom. She filed for divorce and sold the house. She said she didn't need it with Liz and me gone on our own. She found a nice two-bedroom condo so I would have a room to stay in when I came back from college. She also told me she hoped to have grandchildren that would stay with her someday. College and I got along famously. I loved the freedom of class schedule. I even enjoyed living in the girl's dorm my first year. The only questions that my roommates had were why I sometimes sat just staring at the clothes hanging in my closet.