Christmas Conversation
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A Christmas Conversation
Katie Leone
Chapter One
Kathleen walked down the hall of the church towards the pastor's office.
It was a meeting that was a long time in the making, but it was one that
she was dreading. She listened to the sound of her heels clicking
against the highly polished tile floor and imagined a clock ticking down
towards zero hour. Church was an important part of her life; she
couldn't deny that, but Jessie was the most important.
Kathleen paused and pretended to look at some of the Christmas
decorations that lined the hallway. For a church, First Baptist of
Canton didn't shy away from acknowledging the more secular aspects of
the holiday; there were manger scenes and candy canes amid Santa Claus
and reindeer. The fact that the church wasn't so uptight about such
things was what attracted Kathleen to this church while she was pregnant
with Jessie and her husband Jack was stationed overseas.
Jack never made it back, but Kathleen kept returning to a church that
rallied around her during her time of need. The church saw her through
her grief, her pregnancy, and her transition back into the workplace
when Jessie was old enough to be left at the church daycare.
"Jessie," Kathleen said in a whisper as she shook her head. Jessie was
her son, or was he? Things were getting so convoluted that she was
having trouble keeping things straight herself.
Kathleen closed her eyes and took a deep breath as she tried to center
herself. The meeting with the pastor was going to be about Jessie and
the current issue at hand. Hopefully, she would get some guidance, but
Kathleen felt like she would be doing more explaining than anything
else. She would love to provide answers or insight into the situation,
but to be honest she didn't quite understand it herself. She was certain
which side the pastor would take, and that was a cause of concern.
Kathleen could hear the sound of singing coming from the sanctuary - a
lone voice of a child singing Christmas carols to an audience of one.
The song was soft and sweet, a slow lullaby that could put even the most
troubled spirit to rest. Kathleen smiled as she strained to make out the
words to Silent Night. Though the church might abandon her and her child
over the current dilemma, she was certain that God would remain by her
side.
With a new resolve, Kathleen resumed her walk towards the pastor's
office as the seconds ticked down towards the end.
Kathleen found it strange that a whole year had passed since the issue
cropped up. It seemed so innocent at the time. Perhaps it was a simple
flight of fancy or a strange idea that got caught in the mind of a
seven-year-old, but it was an idea that would flip her world on its
head. Maybe the notion was simply a phase that all boys go through;
Kathleen wouldn't know, she had never been a boy.
Kathleen's son Jessie was your average, run of the mill boy, as far as
she was concerned. He was well within the norms when it came to height
and weight: not too tall or too short, not too heavy or too thin. He had
light, sandy brown hair, big brown eyes, and an abundance of energy that
he could call upon whenever the need arose. Nothing stood out or drew
attention to the fact that there might be cause for concern that he
might be a little different from the other boys.
"Perhaps a few things," Kathleen mused to herself as she made her way to
the pastor's outer office. She could hear Pastor Earnest on the phone
and knew that there would be some delay in their meeting. That was
alright with her; it gave her further time to collect her thoughts.
Jessie did have some traits that Kathleen noticed that she attributed to
being those quirks that everyone has. Her son always ate in a peculiar
way, choosing to eat each individual item on his plate to completion
before moving onto the next item. The other thing that stood out was the
constant look of quiet contemplation that her son wore. Jessie always
looked as if he were trying to figure out the mysteries of the universe
instead of being a free spirit like other seven-year-olds. But even
accounting for the rare oddities, nothing prepared Kathleen for the bomb
Jessie dropped on her a little over a year ago.
Kathleen sighed as she thought back on the moment:
It was just your ordinary, run of the mill day. It was cool, but not
cold, which was odd for mid-November. She was on the porch, sitting on a
bench seat, watching a group of boys around her son's age playing a
rousing game of touch football.
"Why don't you go and join your friends?" Kathleen asked. "It looks like
they're having fun."
Jessie scrunched up his face and shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know."
It looked like he was thinking about something especially heavy. For a
second, it looked like he was going to comply with his mother's
suggestions but then thought better of it.
"You don't have to if you don't want to," Kathleen said easily. "It
wasn't a command or anything."
Jessie stuck his hands in his pocket and nodded but didn't say a word.
There was something definitely on his mind, but whether or not he would
speak his mind was in doubt.
"A penny for your thoughts?" Kathleen knew not to press, that if she
wanted to get Jessie to open up she would need to take things slow.
Jessie looked down at his sneakers. Though they were
uncharacteristically untied, he did nothing the remedy the situation. "I
don't want you to be mad."
Kathleen ran through a list of what her son might have done that could
get him in trouble. "Is this about you not folding the towel and hanging
it up this morning?"
Jessie shook his head no.
"About leaving the milk out this morning when you had cereal?"
Again, Jessie remained silent and simply shook his head.
"Are you planning on running away to Pluto on a space ship that you hid
in your closet and didn't tell me about?"
Kathleen expected a little chuckle or, at least, a smile. She got
nothing. "I don't want you to hate me," Jessie finally said.
This was more serious than Kathleen had thought. She took hold of
Jessie's hips and pulled him closer. "You listen to me, and you listen
good, there is nothing that you can ever say or do that will ever make
me hate you. Whatever you did, we can work through it, but it won't do
either of us good if you keep it to yourself."
"I didn't do anything," Jessie said in a whisper.
"Then what is it?"
Jessie took a deep breath and decided to just come out with it. "I'm a
girl," he said in resignation, as if it was something he wasn't too
thrilled about but, after wrestling with it for a long time, knew he
couldn't change.
Kathleen was dumbfounded. Her first inclination was to laugh, but
something told her that if she did it would utterly devastate her child.
Jessie wasn't one for making up stories or pulling jokes, especially of
this magnitude. There was something in his simple, three-word statement
that made Kathleen uneasy about the situation. Jessie didn't say he
thought he was a girl or he wanted to be a girl; he simply stated the
fact as he knew it.
Jessie stared at his mother, apparently waiting for some kind of
response. He seemed torn between pulling away or saying, 'just kidding.'
It was too late; there was no taking back what he had said, and they
both knew it. "Kind of messed up, right?" he murmured.
"It wasn't what I was expecting."
"So you hate me, right?"
Kathleen stared her son directly in the eye. "No, I don't hate you. I
don't hate you in the least bit. But it's a very big thing that you just
said, something that we are going to need to work through and figure
out."
"I didn't want to be a girl, really I didn't, but I couldn't help it."
"It'll be okay. We will figure it out."
"I just feel like people will be mad, like I let them down or
something."
Kathleen nodded. There was a good possibility that some people would not
be pleased, but that was too heavy a burden to place on her son's small
shoulders. "In life, you learn to live out the truth and say to heck
with what other people think. We will figure this out together and we'll
move on from there."
That seemed to satisfy Jessie for the moment. After subsequent
conversations, he started therapy, and the psychologist gave the year
time frame before moving onto the next stage, and that was fast
approaching. Kathleen was still unsure of the direction things were
heading. Jessie was so young, so na?ve about the world around him; was
making such a radical change so young in his best interest?"
"Or is it her best interest?" Kathleen mused. It was all so confusing
and outside of her comfort zone. She was used to following the status
quo, the so-called norm, the straight and narrow, or whatever other
clich? she could think of for being socially acceptable by those she
felt were socially acceptable herself. This was certainly not the norm
and might get her put out of the church if she didn't handle things
correctly. It was enough to give her a headache.
Chapter Two
"I would love to talk more," Pastor Earnest said into the phone, "but I
have an appointment that is waiting for me and we'll have to pick this
up at a later time."
The phone call ended, but the salt-and-pepper-haired clergyman needed
time to center himself. He knew what the meeting was about; at least
there would be no surprise there. The world was trying to rewrite the
laws of nature that God put into effect eons ago, and this was just
another skirmish in a long line of many. Kathleen and Jessie had been
members of his congregation for quite some time, he knew them both well,
and Pastor Earnest wondered how they were led astray.
The pastor closed his eyes and bowed his head in prayer. "Lord, give me
the words to guide them back on the path you'd have for their lives.
Give me tact and compassion, give me patience, let Your love shine
through me. Amen."
Pastor Earnest didn't feel the peace he normally felt when guiding
families through the difficulties of life. This was so different than
other issues. This wasn't Johnny looking at naughty pictures on the
internet or Susy telling fibs; this was an arena that he had never been
in before, and he hoped he prepared himself for whatever would come.
The pastor slowed his breathing; it was a technique he learned in his
college days when he played basketball to keep his emotions in check. It
would do no one any good if his emotions got the best of him, and he
wanted to be calm and supportive while steering them towards a course of
action they might not be in favor of.
"You cannot turn a boy into a girl no matter how you dress him up," the
pastor said solemnly as he shook his head. "Where do these ideas come
from?"
Again he settled himself. If he went into the meeting with that
attitude, there was a greater possibility of him driving Kathleen away
from the proper path. He needed to focus on something pure to get his
heart in the right place while addressing the situation.
The voice was faint but clear. One of the girls from church was
practicing a carol for the Christmas service. He strained to listen but
could make out the words to Silent Night being sung by one of his little
angels. It was such a sweet song being sung by a sweet voice that must
have been practicing all month long for the big day because the notes
rang out beautifully.
"Now that's a girl," Pastor Earnest told himself, trying to rid the
twang of being condescending from his voice. He was sure Kathleen and
Jessie had the best of intentions, and it was his job to see that they
weren't led astray by the ever blurring lines of modern society and
pseudo-psychology.
The pastor knew that he couldn't keep his appointment waiting much
longer. He needed to address the situation now and nip it in the bud
before any more incidents happened and he lost both mother and child
forever. He rose from his brown leather office chair and brushed off
imaginary lint from his black suit before making his way to the door.
Kathleen's eyes rose when she heard the latch of the door. She was
nervous. How could she explain the situation to a man she held in high
esteem when she didn't even understand it herself. She wanted to do what
was right and what was socially acceptable, but she was unsure if they
were both one in the same in this instance.
"Good afternoon," Pastor Earnest said as he gave a warm greeting. "So
good to see you."
Kathleen stood up from the chair. "I'm glad you could see me. I know how
busy you are at this time of the year. So much going on around the
holidays, and I'm sure your attention is required elsewhere." Kathleen
wondered where the sudden urge to back out of the conversation came
from. Perhaps it was because she already had a good idea of what the
pastor was going to say, and she didn't know if she wanted to hear it.
Perhaps that was exactly why she was there. Maybe she needed to hear it
and be given a good dose of reality that what she was planning to do
would be detrimental not only to her son, but to them both.
"Nonsense," Pastor Earnest dismissed as he stood off to the side so he
could usher his appointment into his office. "I always have time for you
and your son. I only wish you'd have come by sooner."
The first salvo had been fired, the pastor thought to himself. He knew
it was important to reinforce the facts, but to do it subtly until the
real confrontation arose. His hopes were that he could build a good
foundation where the end game would be anticlimactic at best.
Kathleen frowned as she walked past the pastor. Why was she there if she
already knew what was going to be said? Maybe she wanted ammunition when
she told Jessie that things weren't going to work out the way that he
wanted them to. She so wished that the "I'm a girl" thing was a phase
and that after a year he would have forgotten about it. But Jessie
brought it up almost weekly until she acquiesced and at least got him
into counseling. Counseling might have worked against her; instead of
assuring her son that he was, in fact, a boy, the psychologist did his
best to convince Kathleen of the contrary, and now she was pressed into
making a decision before she was really ready to commit.
Kathleen sat in one of the chairs in front of the pastor's mahogany
desk. They were the only thing comfortable about the whole situation.
Kathleen suddenly felt small as the pastor made his way around the desk.
Who was she to try to convince him of anything? Pastor Earnest was the
one with all the schooling and degrees and experience. All Kathleen had
was her mother's intuition and a love for her child that defied reason.
She would do everything in her power to make sure Jessie was happy and
healthy, even if that meant questioning her own preconceived notions on
life.
Pastor Earnest gently lowered himself into his seat. He leaned slightly
forward as he sat, letting his long manicured hands rest folded on the
desk. "Quite the situation we have on our hands," he started out easily.
There was no reason to beat around the bush; they both knew why they
were here, and there was no need to waste time with idle small talk.
This conversation wasn't going to be a pleasant one, he felt, and there
was still a lot to be done in preparation for the Christmas service that
was a few days away.
Kathleen nodded. "It certainly is," she said as she realized that she
was actually going through with this conversation and not backing out.
"I'm trying to figure out the right thing to do."
"And I'm here to help you with that," Pastor Earnest said with an easy
smile. "Why don't you explain the situation and where you're at?"
"Right now we are trying to decide where to go to next. Jessie has
stated her desire to be a girl, and the psychologist thinks that we
should explore that avenue to see where it leads."
Pastor Earnest took a measured breath; his response would need a certain
level of tact and compassion or he might force his parishioner to act
contrary to the church's desires because of his callousness. "But Jessie
is a boy; he is your son, right?"
"I thought he was, but," the words just hung in the air, and Kathleen
found it difficult to formulate what she wanted to say next.
"You changed his diapers often enough when he was a baby to know."
Pastor Earnest gave a soft, easy chuckle. In cases like this, it was
better to stick to the facts and laugh off deviating from what life has
presented them.
Kathleen smiled as well. Life was so much easier when Jessie was a baby;
there weren't so many questions that were beyond her. Jessie was her
son. He was a boy, and as long as he wore blue, the whole world
understood that. Things weren't so black and white now. "I understand
what biology says, but perhaps there is more to being male and female
than what's between our legs."
Pastor Earnest nodded. "Is that you speaking or the psychologist?"
Kathleen opened her mouth, but she didn't know how to respond.
"That's what I thought." The pastor was pleased with the way the
conversation had started. It was clear to him that Kathleen had received
some bad guidance, and as soon as he put things in proper perspective,
they could handle Jessie's quirk the correct way.
"Jessie seems quite sure that she's supposed to be a girl," Kathleen
said.
Pastor Earnest frowned. "That's the second time you referred to Jessie
in the feminine in a very short time. What Jessie desires doesn't change
a thing. The facts are the facts: Jessie is a boy, and God made him that
way for a specific reason. Part of me wonders if Jessie wants to be a
girl, or perhaps there is a part of you that wishes that you had a
daughter instead. I can only imagine how difficult it is for a single
mother to raise a boy."
Was that it, Kathleen wondered? Was she sending out signals to Jessie
that she subconsciously wanted a daughter because that would make life
easier on them both? It was worth pondering, but she was sure that
wasn't it and had to contain herself from blurting out something she
might regret later. "The only thing I want is for Jessie to be happy. I
never regretted having a boy, and my plan was to honor my late husband
by raising Jessie into a good man that would make Jack proud."
"And you have been doing a fine job at that," Pastor Earnest said
without drawing into question recent discussions. "So why deviate from a
course that is so plainly laid out for you. God gave you a son, honor
that."
"What if God gave me a transgender daughter instead? Shouldn't I honor
that as well?"
"If God wanted you to have a daughter, wouldn't he have just given you
one from the start instead of going such a roundabout way of getting
there? I understand that you are in a tough situation. I understand that
you want to do what is right and what will make your son happy.
Sometimes those things aren't always one in the same. Jessie feels like
he is a girl, but that doesn't change a thing. He isn't a girl, anatomy
and chromosomes, and life say otherwise."
Kathleen nodded. There was no getting around certain aspects of the
situation. What the pastor said was true; Jessie had a penis, had a Y-
chromosome, and was raised as a boy his entire life. Something told her
there was more to being a girl than all that, but she wasn't able to
quite put her finger on what else there was or to articulate it no
matter how hard she tried. "She," Kathleen started and paused. "Jessie
seems so sure."
"That still doesn't change a thing." Pastor Earnest took a more relaxed
posture. He could tell that Kathleen was struggling with what was going
on and that there was still hope that he could get her to teeter back on
the side the church would rather she land on. "Your goal is to make
Jessie happy, right?" Pastor Earnest asked as he decided to take a
different path.
"That's one of my goals."
"Do you think he'd be happy if the world treated him as an outcast?"
Kathleen frowned. Was this a warning that if she proceeded to let Jessie
walk down the path of being the girl, that she would no longer be
welcome in the church? That was something she worried about and feared.
"Would you kick us out of church because of it?"
Pastor Earnest shook his head. The answer was an easy one, but not one
that would be well received from some of the older and stauncher members
of the deacon board. "No," he said plainly. "No, I would not. We don't
turn away anyone from worship, no matter what choices they made in life.
Jesus never turned anybody away, no matter what kind of sinner they were
or what the religious zealots said, and at this church, we follow his
example. That said, I can't say that people would respond warmly to you
if you decided to go down the road you're pondering. The little stunt
you pulled during our Halloween party created quite the buzz, and I
heard concerns from more than a few people about it."
"It was just a costume. Jessie was dressed as a cat."
Pastor Earnest grimaced. He always found it amusing when someone tried
to pull the wool over his eyes. "Jessie was dressed in a leotard and
tights. Yes, you added a tail and ears, but he was still dressed in
girls' clothing, and that created quite the stir. At the time, I
dismissed it as Jessie being a quirky seven-year-old, but now I'm
beginning to think it was more like someone testing the waters."
Kathleen remained silent. The costume was a compromise and the best one
she could come up with at the time. Jessie originally wanted to go to
the costume party as a ballerina, and she had to fight tooth and nail to
get him to consider being a cat instead.
"That's what I thought."
"I'm just trying to do what's best."
"Something tells me that you didn't stop at simply dressing him up in
girls' clothing either. Something tells me that even though Jessie is a
name that could go either way, you gave him an even more feminine name."
Kathleen knew she had been figured out. "He came up with the name
Jessica on his own."
"I understand. I don't doubt the dilemma that Jessie finds himself in.
I'm not going to deny that people have Gender Identity issues because
that would be a lie, and we would both know it. There are many people
who are not satisfied with their bodies one way or another. Some people
feel like they're too tall or too short or too fat, or they don't like
the color of their hair. Look at me; I'm thirty five and I already have
greying hair. I don't like it; I'd rather that it stayed brown until I
was in my fifties, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm graying.
Sure, I could go out to the pharmacy and buy a bottle of Just For Men
hair dye, but that will only cover up truth. I'm sure Jessie doesn't
like his body the way it is for things to get as far as they have, but
putting him in girls' clothing or even going as far as putting him on
hormones and having surgery still doesn't change a thing."
"So you think it is being deceitful?"
Pastor Earnest wanted to pick his words carefully. "Truth isn't
subjective, no matter how much some people in society want it to be.
There is no one truth for me or for you or for Jessie that is any
different than a truth for everyone else. I am sure that being
transgender and questioning one's gender is quite the burden, especially
for someone so young, but it is a cross that Jessie is going to have to
bear. I know it isn't what you want to hear, but I'm not here to lie to
you just to make you or Jessie happy. I'm here to tell you the truth.
Jessie is a boy. He might not want to be, but that doesn't change a
thing."
"He seems so sure about it."
"He might, but there is more about being a girl than clothing and long
hair, which I noticed you let grow out."
"He does a lot of things that girls do naturally," Kathleen said in
defense of her child.
"He might be able to mimic some of the things that girls do, but it's a
poor imitation at best. There is a natural softness and sweetness that
girls have that is hard to duplicate. It is something that God hardwired
into the brain and the fabric of our being. Jessie might question that
he is a girl, but he would never be able to duplicate that which comes
innately to a natural-born female."
"It seems so cruel to make him behave contrary to the way he feels about
himself."
"I'm not saying it's easy, but Jesus says 'If anyone wishes to come
after Me, he must deny himself.' There are a lot of things people would
rather be doing, but that doesn't make them right. Just because you feel
Jessie acts like a girl doesn't make him one."
Kathleen thought about what the pastor said, but was sure she noticed
signs that Jessie wasn't completely off his rocker when saying that he
was female. Maybe she was reading into things, but she knew what she
saw.
"Do you hear that?" Pastor Earnest asked.
Kathleen quieted herself and could hear the faint singing she had heard
while walking through the church corridors. "You mean someone singing
'Silent Night?'"
"This is the second time she is going through the song."
Kathleen paused and strained to hear the singing more clearly. It was
obvious that the singer was a child, but outside of that she could pick
up on no other clues as to whether the vocalist was a boy or a girl.
"How do you know it's a she?"
"There's one way to find out for sure," Pastor Earnest said as he rose
from his seat. "Let's go and see and perhaps this will give you more
clarity on the situation that no matter how much he may believe it,
Jessie is not a girl."
Kathleen wasn't so sure, but got up and walked out of the office with
the pastor.
"Jessie is a good boy," Pastor Earnest said as he slowly made his way
towards the sanctuary. "But there is a certain sweetness and gentleness
that girls are born with. You can hear it in her voice." Pastor Earnest
paused. "Listen."
"Round yon virgin, mother and child," the voice sang.
The pastor could feel goose bumps form on his forearm. "There's no
mimicking that kind of femininity, girls are simply born with it. It's a
gift that God gave to them for the whole world to enjoy."
Kathleen nodded, and the two continued towards the sanctuary.
Pastor Earnest and Kathleen peeked through the window. On the dais, a
small long-haired child stood cradling the baby Jesus as she sang him a
lullaby.
"See," the pastor said triumphantly. "This is what being a girl is like;
you see how naturally it comes to her. Unfortunately, this is something
that Jessie will never be able to aspire to, no matter how much he
wanted to or how hard he tried."
Kathleen looked at the figure more closely. "But that is Jessie," she
said as she figured out it was her child that had been singing all along
and was not hanging out in the play area as she had instructed.
Pastor Earnest's eyes almost popped out of his head as he scrutinized
the image that stood cradling the doll. "Why so it is."
"I suppose that this doesn't change a thing either."
Pastor Earnest dropped his head. "It just might change everything."
"But what about creating a stir?"
"Above all things, being a Christian is about finding the truth, loving
the truth, and living the truth. Perhaps my assumptions were wrong, and
we need to look at the issues anew, but I have never seen such an
epitome of being a little girl as that," Pastor Wayne nodded towards
Jessie. "The important thing is that we do things correctly."
"And what is correct?"
"We'll have to find that out for ourselves as we move forward, but I
think I solved one dilemma."
"What dilemma is that?"
"I know who my star soloist is going to be for Christmas service, and I
would be honored if Jessica would perform as we introduced her to the
church family."
"I think she would like that very much."
"She has a lovely voice."
"I wasn't talking about the singing. I was talking about the ability for
her to be herself."
"Something tells me you were leaning that way all along."
Kathleen smiled. "I was open for persuasion, but you would have had to
make a mighty strong argument against going forward."
"It looks like I failed, but that might not be a bad thing in this
case."
The End
This story is available on Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Christmas-
Conversation-Katie-Leone-ebook/dp/B00RCC0L2Q/ perhaps you would like to
add it to your kindle library or leave a review. Thank you. Join Katie
Leone online: Home Page: www.Katie-Leone.com Facebook Fan Page:
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Sherry
- 10.02.2021
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