The Way It Should Be..... free porn video

The Way it should be..... I was twelve years old. My mother was a dance teacher. She had a law degree but her passion was dance. When my dad passed away he loved us enough to make sure we were well provided for so my mom could be home and continue doing what she loved. Passing her love of dance to the never ending wave of girls that came through her studio was what kept her heart full. Our house was always filled with girls. Our home in the suburbs had its own studio with tall ceilings and mirrors just like you would find in the finest studios down town.. When ever my mom was teaching I was told to find something to do. My sister always had something to do. She was my mother's star pupil. She tried not to play favorites but she loved my sisters love of dance. I was so jealous of my sister. Not because she was my mothers favorite. But because she was a girl. It was a secret that was at times, too much to bear. I didn't know why but I always felt like I should have been a girl too. All the dancers that came and went, I longed to be not just with them, but I wanted to be one of them..... It was a dark secret that I could not explain. How could anyone understand a boy that wants to be a girl? This was something that social norms did not allow. Kids like that got beat up in school. So, I kept it hidden and it was killing me on the inside. I was afraid if I did not find a way to deal with this I would want to take my own life. You can't imagine what it feels like to hide your true self, knowing that if you ever were found out, that everyone you love would instantly hate you. It was just too much for a child to bear. Having a mom and sister close in age, there was plenty of femininity around the house. You could not miss it. It was everywhere. Yet I was not part of it. It was just a constant reminder of a place I longed for, but didn't belong. My mom and my sister left to meet another mom and her daughter for lunch. They asked if I wanted to go but I told them I would feel out of place. It was summertime and there was plenty to do. My mom asked me to take my dirty clothes to the laundry. They left and I decided to pick up my room. I gathered my dirty clothes and took them to the laundry. I set them down and something caught my eye. It was my sisters leotard.....She had dozens of them, but that one was my favorite. My heart almost stopped. I had seen her leotards before. She almost lived in them. But this time was different. I remembered how pretty and feminine she looked when she danced it it. I remembered how it gently hugged her girlish body.. Most of all I thought, you can not wear something like that and NOT feel like a girl. My heart started beating hard in my chest as I realized, this could give me a taste of what I wanted so badly. Would I feel pretty if I put it on? Would she know? Why was I thinking this??? A normal boy would not have these thoughts!. Then I said to myself, you are not a boy, you are a girl. Go ahead and enjoy pretty things! With that I picked it up, grabbed the white tights that were next to it, and the matching skirt. I was starting to sweat as I knew this was a turning point. This was a road that did not have room for a U turn..... I made it to my room and almost tore the boy clothes from my body. I hated them. It was one of the things that identified me as a boy and I hated it. Knowing what was about to come I almost wanted to burn them. I sat down on my bed and looked at the forbidden fruit I was about to take a big bite out of. I picked up the white, soft tights and began to put them on. It was hard but I took my time so I did not damage them. I pulled them up snug then grabbed the royal blue spandex camisole leotard. I gently pulled it up my legs put my arms through the straps and it was done. I had crossed a line I could never go back.. I wrapped the sheer floaty matching skirt around me and tied it. When I finished tying the bow it was almost like I had made a statement. I didn't have to be a boy if I didn't want to.... And I liked it.. The leotard was a soft spandex material unlike anything I had felt. The tights were no different. I was right. You could not wear anything like this and not feel girly... And I liked it... I felt so good! I finally felt "normal" as weird as that may sound. I remembered my sister had a full length mirror in her room. I practically ran there and looked. I was better than I hoped. If I got a girls hair cut you wouldn't be able to tell. I started to cry as all this pent up denial of who I was suddenly left my mind. I felt a sense of peace I had never experienced before... I felt...... Like a girl for the first time. It felt good. It felt normal. But it wasn't supposed to. My little 12 year old mind was on overload. I calmed down and remembered where their was lots of mirrors. My mom's dance studio. I headed down but made a stop at her lost and found. Girls were always leaving things behind. I rummaged through till I found the treasure I was looking for. Pink ballet slippers! I found some that fit and could hardly contain my excitement. I slipped them on and now I felt complete. Oh what I would give to have my mother teach me ballet as a girl. I dreamt of it every day. I began to wonder if I had a wig if I could sneak into one of her classes? There was a big screen tv on the wall. I knew there were lots of YouTube videos that taught ballet. I found one and turned it on. I got so entranced in the lesson I completely forgot that I was a boy at all. It was like all traces of boy were slowly melting away. I felt at peace like I never had before. One thing I didn't realize. Ballet is hard work! Those girls make it look easy. Just the same, I didn't want to stop. It didn't take me long to do a decent pirouette. I was surprised at how natural it came to me. Maybe I was right. I was supposed to be a girl. I had been practicing for hours. I was lost in the moment and didn't want it to end. Then I heard a noise behind me... Brian??? I heard my moms voice say. I froze. I felt a complete nervous breakdown coming on fast! My euphoria left as fast as it had come. A million things went though my mind. My mother won't be able to love me.... She is going to think I am a freak... My sister will find out and tell everyone... This is not going to end well... if I had a gun I would have shot myself right then and there. I just wanted to climb into a hole right then and never come out. Brian??? I could not move or speak. I just wanted to disappear... I heard her footsteps coming closer. I didn't know what to do... She just walked up to me and put her arms around me and whispered in my ear, It's ok.... Don't cry... Then the flood of tears came. I was so overcome with my mothers love I just stood there in her arms and sobbed. After what seemed like an eternity I finally stopped sobbing and I asked her. You don't hate me or think I am a freak? My mom got down on one knee and looked me in the eye and said no, I will always love you. But I want to love the real you, whoever that is. If this is the real you? I don't want you to feel like you have to hide her from me. But I need to ask you a question. And I need a very honest answer. Are you doing this because you like to wear girls clothes? Or are you doing this because you feel you are a girl? I had to think about that one. At first I didn't understand the difference. But then a light came on, I told her I thought I was a girl and I just waned to feel normal for once. I told her I hated being a boy and that somehow it was a big mistake! I didn't know what to do!! Sometimes I feel like if I can't be a girl I'm going to explode! I told her I know it sounds strange but this feels normal to me. But I know people will hate me for it! I was sobbing uncontrollably. My mom got a concerned look on her face but not one of disgust or contempt. Then she said with tears rolling down her cheek. I stood and watched you dance for a minute before I said anything. Because my mind could not process what it was seeing. I knew it was you, but it wasn't a boy I was looking at. You move with all the grace of a girl. Your fluidity was so natural. I would have guessed you were a year 3 ballerina. Not a boy. And not a beginner. I want you to know that I can now see what you see. I am so sorry it took me so long. She held me for a long time. Then I said I think I should go change back into my boy clothes. My mom looked me sternly in the eye and said no. You sister is sleeping over at a friends house. We are going to have some fun!! Wait right here. I'll be right back. My mom came back in her black ballet leotard and pink tights. She said, it is far past due you had a formal lesson. Go up to the barre. We went through several barre exercises and I loved every second. It was a dream come true. My mom was actually giving me a ballet lesson. Just like she would any other girl. It was so much fun I could not stop smiling. I think it was fun for mom too. For that short time I didn't have a worry in the world. It didn't last too long because I had already danced for over 2 hours straight and I told her I needed to shower. She said ok. Get cleaned up. We have some things to do and winked at me. It was that devious wink she gives when she is up to something. So I went upstairs to shower. When I came out of the shower she had laid out on my bed a casual knit dress. White satin panties, a matching training bra, cami, and shoes from my sister's closet. I looked at her and said I'm scared. I'm not sure I'm ready for all that. She looked at me with confidence and said, from what I saw downstairs, you were born ready. There is a beautiful girl inside that is begging to come out. I put on the panties. They felt so light and soft. When my mother clasped the bra behind my back I felt like I had taken one more step down the rabbit hole. She helped me finish getting dressed and told me the horrifying news.... We were going shopping... I was mortified. I could not go out in public like this. My mother put on some light make up and did her best to make my hair look more feminine and took me to the mirror. There was a cute girl staring back at me. She said, what do you see? I whispered back, a girl.... Then she said, what will everyone else see? I whispered again, a girl.... My mom gave me the biggest hug and told me, this is going to be so easy for you... I looked at her in disbelief... She said, this is the first time you have ever gone anywhere, where you are just yourself, and not pretending. If you see a pretty dress you can go hold it up to yourself and look in the mirror and no one will look at you weird. Brian could never do that... But you can.... What is your name young lady? I stammered... Of course I had given a lot of thought to what name I would like if I was a girl... But it was a shock to hear someone ask me what it was.... I stammered again.. Why was it so hard to say it out loud? I guess it was because I knew that if anyone ever called me by that name, it meant that I had passed the point of no return.. It made it all more real than what I thought I was ready for. She came over and hugged me again. The kind of hug only a loving mother can give and said, it's ok if your not ready... I blurted out Calissa! My name is Calissa! She hugged me tighter and said, I love you Calissa. Now let's go shopping! You can't keep taking your sisters things, we need to get you some things of your own. I made my mom drive to a mall in another town. She reluctantly agreed. I felt a little better. We were hungry so we walked to the food court. My senses were on overload. I was not used to the soft caress of feminine things as I walked along. It was very distracting but I slowly got used to it. I was so self conscious it was almost maddening. I was terrified that someone would spot me as a boy. I mentioned it and she said not possible. I asked why and she said, because you are a girl. So quit worrying about it. Didn't make me feel much better but as I ate my food with delicate small bites I realized. Nobody was staring at me....... Except for a few boys that walked by. That freaked me even more. Being ogled at was a new experience. I slowly began to relax. It was a good thing because I was about to dive head first into what was forbidden territory.. The girls department. In the past I had avoided it like the plague. But for far different reasons then most boys. For me walking amid all those pretty things I wanted so bad but could not have was too much. It was like being an outsider in a place I so badly wanted to belong. I never thought I would dare come this close to all these pretty things.. Yet., here I was... Looking rather girly already. My mom could see me tearing up and she asked what was wrong... I said nothing... At least not anymore.. I don't think many people could truly understand what it means to have this weight lifted. I shed a few tears and she gave me a hug.. She really understood.. I would not have predicted this reaction in a million years. I really have the best mother in the world. We started looking at dresses and skirts. It actually became quite fun once I began to relax. I didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to purge feminine thoughts or mannerisms. I could tell my mom how cute a dress was and not feel self conscious about it. The real me was starting to come out. I wanted to cry again but I kept it together. Wow I really am a girl.. We didn't buy too much because I think my mom was afraid this wasn't for real and that I would get bored with it. But deep down she knew better. I would still catch my brain at war telling me this was wrong. I was a boy and I should not like this or be here. I would look at my mothers loving face and it would go away. Whatever war was going in my head the girl side dropped a nuke. I had three dresses in my hands my mother was going to buy for me. I felt like I just won the lotto. No matter how wrong others might think this is. I really didn't care at this point. My mother then walked me over to the underwear and we picked out several matching bra and panty sets and some camisoles and slips to wear under the dresses. The material was so soft and pretty. I couldn't understand why boys didn't like this stuff. My mom brought me over a soft satin lilac nighty. She winked at me and said you will finally get a good nights sleep. She also found me a set of silk pajamas like my sisters. It would be impossible to feel even a little bit like a boy with that haul. But that was the idea. There was just one last thing we needed. Shoes! We found three pairs of cute shoes and headed to the car. I hopped in the car and teared up again. I looked at my mom and told her how much I loved her. I had never been so happy in my life! She leaned over and said quit being so emotional. People might think you are a girl or something. We laughed and stared home. After a bit my mom said we needed to make one more stop. She pulled I front of Dance Gear and parked. I knew this store well. My mom and her 200 aspiring ballerinas spent a lot of money here. I got scared. There was no way I could go in there. Everyone in there knew my mom and they certainly knew I was not my sister Shannon. My mom could sense my apprehension and told me to wait in the car. She went inside. She went and told them about me. She made it clear that if anyone did anything to humiliate me that she would take her business elsewhere. The manager came over and hugged my mom and told her that she has a niece that was born a boy and that she shops there too. One of the sales girls came of and asked when they could meet Calissa? My mom said just a minute and came out to the car. I told her that I didn't think I could do it. She gave me a hug and said you are not the first new girl to shop here. They want to meet you. They want to meet Calissa. I reluctantly agreed and went inside, cowering behind her like a little girl going to her first day of kindergarten. I was about to get several of my very own leotards, tights and shoes. My excitement started to overcome my fear. My mother whispered in my ear, just relax, and be yourself. The sales girl knew my mom well and came over to greet me. She told me how cute I looked and took my hand. She said I am going to size you for some of the best things we have for new dancers! My mom said we have some work to do because most girls my age have started pointe. My mom bought me a pair of tights to wear and sent me to the dressing room to try on a pile of leotards. I went to the dressing room and took off my dress and pulled the white tights out of the package. I pulled them up nice and snug and tucked in that ugly reminder that I wasn't all girl on the out side. But if today had taught me anything, I was all girl on the inside. I pulled up the first leotard. It was a camisole style like most girls wear in a silky soft spandex material that gave a soft hug. It was black and best of all it had a sheer black attached skirt. It also had a pinched front to give me a little bit of a chest. Before I pulled up the straps, I reached in an made a few adjustments to give myself as flat of a crotch as possible and then pulled it up tight. I put my arms to the straps and looked in the mirror. O! M! G! There was no trace at all that I was a boy. I started to tear up again. I had wanted this for so long. I felt like my fairy god mother just showed up! I heard my mom call... Calissa, we are waiting. Come show us how they fit.. At this point my confidence was way up. I stepped out of the dressing room and gave a twirl. I heard the manager whisper to my mom, I though you said she was really a boy? My mom whispered back, I'm beginning to believe she never was. My mom was beaming. She said I really did look beautiful and that she couldn't wait to get me en pointe. When we were done with the fashion show I had 6 leotards, 4 pairs of tights, ballet slippers skirts and stuff to put my hair in a bun. Which I didn't understand because my hair was still too short. My mom just said don't worry about that and winked at me again. It was getting late and we headed home. We pulled into the garage and I took my packages into my room. By this point I had totally forgotten that I wasn't really a girl. My room brought me back to reality. It was a boys room. Another reminder that I didn't really belong in the feminine world. My mom walked by and saw the look on my face. I swear she could read my mind. I didn't say a word but my mom looked around the room and said, time to redecorate and walked off. She told me to get ready for bed and we would watch a movie. I pulled out the silky nighty and put it on. I loved it! Boys are soooo short changed when it comes to clothes! As I walked past my moms room to the TV, her door was shut and she was on the phone. I heard the name Susan. I knew my mom had a friend named Susan that was a pediatric psychiatrist so I guessed she was talking about me. I couldn't help but try to listen. I couldn't hear much but I am guessing she will take me to see her tomorrow. Tomorrow Shannon would be home! I felt another panic attack. I could only hope she will take all this as well as my mom. She wasn't ever mean to me, but she wasn't overly nice either. I always seemed to be in her way. She had no interest in a brother. Maybe she would like a sister?? I guess I will soon find out... My mother called the mom where Shannon was staying and asked if she could stay one more day. She said we had a personal matter that was unexpected. Shannon grabbed the phone and asked what was wrong. My mom told her everyone was healthy but she would explained everything tomorrow. Shannon didn't like that answer a bit. She asked is Brian ok? She never asked about me. Maybe she cares about me more than I thought? My mom said. I think so. We will know tomorrow. She pressed.. What is wrong?? My mom was firm. She said she would explain tomorrow. I went down to the couch and turned on the tv. My mom came down with a blanket and snuggled up to me. We didn't say a word. She just held me and stroked my hair. I had never felt so loved and relaxed. After awhile she asked if I was sure this is what I wanted. It really seemed like a stupid question at this point. I turned around and looked her in the eye. I asked her. What do you see? She said a beautiful girl. I told her this is who I always was. I just finally got to take the mask off and I don't think I can put it back on. She said, that is what I thought. This might be hard. Especially for Shannon. She only knows Brian. She doesn't know Calissa. You will have to be patient with her. I said ok. My mom told me she had made some appointments tomorrow. We would be getting up early. So I went to bed. Still wondering if this was all real. I fell asleep and slept better than I ever had. In my dream I was a girl. A real girl. The next morning my mom got me up at 8. She started to pick out my clothes from our shopping trip.. A casual knit dress clean panties, padded bra and slip. I got dressed and we had breakfast. My mom started brushing my hair and told me she had a little surprise. She was taking me to the salon for the "works" whatever that was. I was a little nervous but decided to just roll with it. I was getting a lot less self conscious about presenting myself as a girl. Nobody really gave me a second glance. We got to the salon and my mom asked me to put on a blind fold. She didn't want me to see till they were done. She just said trust me. You won't be disappointed. I complied. First I could feel them washing my hair. Then I felt a lot of tugging and pulling that seemed to last forever. The lady then told me she was putting ice on my earlobes and to hold still. I asked why and she just said shhhhh. Just relax. The pop! Pop on each earlobe. Holy crap! I think she just pierced my ears. The tugging and pulling on my head seemed to never end. My hair seemed heavier. Then I felt someone working on my hands. I knew that smell. That was nail polish. I kept slipping further and further down the rabbit hole. But I didn't care. Then she asked me to keep my eyes closed but she was going to take off the mask. I did what she said and I felt them apply make up. A little gloss on my lips and they told me to sit up. They turned me around to the mirror and and told me I could open my eyes. I hesitated. Then I slowly opened them. There was a drop dead beautiful girl staring back. At first I turned my head to see past her but her head moved with mine.. Holy crap. That was me.. Brian was dead. They had given me extensions I now had long blond hair. It was neatly combed straight with a head band French braid across the front to keep it neat and out of my eyes. I had rhinestone studs in each ear and light age appropriate make up. Pink lip gloss and pink nail polish to match. It was like Brian had never existed.. Except I still had that thing between my legs. I needed to get rid of that before I go insane. My mom looked like she had just won the lotto. I don't think she thought It would all turn out that good! She drove me to our next appointment. Dr. Susan. The whole way she talked and talked. Like she did sometimes with Shannon. A classical trained ballerina didn't know quite what to do with a boy since my dad passed away. She was very much at ease relating to Calissa. I always felt love from her. But this was different. It was something more. It must be that special mother daughter relationship that people always talk about. That I didn't understand. Until now. Dr Susan's office wasn't far. She went to lunch with my mom often. We went inside and sat in the waiting room. We waited forever. Then the door opened and Shannon came out. She looked at me and looked at mom and said, where's Brian? I gave a nervous smile and my mom gave her the mom "look" and it clicked. My heart was racing a mile a minute. Her eyes got huge and then Dr Susan came out and said to my mom, I thought you were bringing Brian? My mom finally decided to break the silence. She said, Brian didn't want to come. But Calissa did. Shannon. Meet your sister.. You could have knocked Shannon over with a feather. She finally spoke and said, Sis, Susan explained everything to me. I get it. It's ok. But, I was gearing up for a boy in a dress... I just wasn't ready for this......... You look amazing! I blushed. Then her face lit up and she said something only a sibling would say... She said, this isn't going to be embarrassing! This is going to be fun! She ran over and gave me a huge hug. And there it was. She wanted a sister after all. This was going to be ok..... I went in and talked to Dr. Susan and my mom and sister went for lunch. They had a lot to talk about. My sister was going to need time to process all of this. But it was going to be ok. Dr. Susan talked to me and asked me questions, had me take tests, draw pictures and all kinds of things for three hours. My mom came to pick me up but she pulled my mom in her office. She told my mom that she could say for certainty that raising me as a boy would be akin to child abuse. My mom had done the right thing. If she had reacted any other way she would likely be making funeral arrangements for me. She then told my mom of a facility about 100 miles away that was on the cutting edge of treating gender dysphoric kids. She said they don't know how to remasculinize the mind, but they had made huge breakthroughs in how to feminize a natal male body. The catch was they needed to start treatment before puberty to work. I hadn't hit puberty yet so I was in luck! She told my mom the girls that completed the process had a uterus, ovaries and everything that goes with it. They were no different than natal girls. My mom told her that she wasn't quite ready for that yet but she would think it over. The clinic was called Chrysalis. On the ride home my sister kept staring at me. She started to tear up and I looked at her. Finally she whispered. I miss my brother. I gave her a hug and said you never really had a brother. I was Calissa the whole time. I just can't hide it anymore. I'm sorry. She said, I know and hugged me back. Shannon was 18 months older than me but we hadn't been that close. I think that was about to change. She was still staring at me but she started to look a little angry. I asked, what now? She said, I think you might be prettier than me! I said, I didn't know it was a contest! She said, I can't have a brother prettier than me! Sis, I said, you don't have a brother. You never did. You are the prettiest girl I know and when you dance I think I am watching an angel. Shannon didn't know quite what to say. She was trying to get under my skin and it backfired. We rode in silence the rest of the way home. We went into the house and I went up to my room. Shannon poke her head in and looked around. She said, this doesn't really fit you anymore does it? No, it never really did I said sadly. She picked up the bag of dancewear mom bought me and started to look through it. I guess mom wants you in class she asked with a wink in her eye... Yes, and me too. I was always so jealous that you got to learn. I was dying of envy when you made the Nutcracker last year. Shannon pulled out a brand new lilac leotard, pink tights and the matching skirt and said, get dressed, meet me down in the studio in ten minutes. She looked at me again and snaid Brian would have looked silly wearing this stuff. You're going to look great! And she went to her room to change. I looked and those soft girly things laying on my bed and wondered how I went from being a boy in this family to one of the girls so quickly. I pulled off my dress, and my panties, slip and bra and took the tights out of the package. They looked a lot nicer new. I pulled them up my legs enjoying their softness. Pulled them up snug and reached in and pushed that ugly chunk of extra skin as far back and out of the way as I could. I pulled on my leotard up tight to hold it all into place and tied the sheer lilac ballet skirt in a bow on my hip. Put on my ballet slippers and looked in the mirror. When I did this yesterday, I knew if I had a girls hair cut, nobody could tell. I was right. That was a girl in the mirror. I had prayed and prayed this would happen. God really does love me. I could hardly contain my smile and I headed down to the studio. Shannon was already down there stretching. She was so flexible. She looked up at me and said, wow. You walk like a girl. I told her it was hard not to feel super feminine dressed like this so I couldn't help it.. Shannon said, don't fight it. It suits you. Shannon looked at my hair and said, that will never do. I looked confused. Shannon then asked me if I had ever seen a ballerina with her long hair hanging loosely? You need your hair up in a bun, she said. I don't know how.... You have a lot to learn about being a girl. It's not just pretty clothes and make up, she said with a giggle. She stood up behind me and went to work on my hair. Like an expert she had my hair in a perfect bun in no time at all. We stood next to each other and looked in the mirror. We looked like sisters. Dang cute ones too! I noticed Shannon staring down at my crotch. She said, um, where is...... Where is your..... You know...... I said neatly tucked away. She said, I can't even tell it is there.... You..... Look.... Just like me... Does it hurt. I knew this question would pop up sooner or later.. I said, no, but it isn't comfortable either. I hate it. I need to be rid of it. Shannon looked concerned. I started to break down a little. I hate everything about it! It shouldn't be there! I want it gone so bad it hurts. I just want to take a knife and cut it off!!! Shannon took my hand and said, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. We didn't know it but mom was lurking in the shadows. We didn't have all the lights on so we didn't see her. She walked over and gave us a hug. Shannon spoke up. I was going to help Calissa with some stretching. She is a bit behind the other girls her age in your classes. I'm going to help her get caught up! My mom went back upstairs to start on dinner and I followed Shannon to the barre. She did a leg lift all the way to her head and said, in a month, if you do what I say. You will be able to do this too. We stretched and stretched and did some barre exercises. All the while I was catching glimpses of myself in the mirror in my leotard and skirt. Every day, and especially now, I felt more and more feminine. I felt so much like a girl. I felt light as a feather. I could finally be as feminine as I wanted without holding back. The weight of the world was, lifted from my shoulders. I loved this feeling and I never wanted it to go back. I told Shannon, I never felt more like a real girl than I did right then. She gave me a knowing smile and said, you are only getting started. You think you feel girly now? Wait till you see what mom wants to get you to wear to the ballet when the season starts and she winked at me. I have to admit. I was interested. We went upstairs to dinner still in our dance-wear, we ate and talked. It was different though. This time mom included me in the playful banter thar was usually reserved for Shannon. Mom was truly seeing me as a daughter. This made me so happy I started to tear up again. I fought them back but mom spotted it. I picked up my plate and went up to my room. When I saw all the boy things and clothes in the closet the water works really turned on. Mom walked in and closed the door. She sat down beside me on my bed and put her arms around me. She spoke softly and said, if this is who you really are I don't want you to hold back. If you are unsure we can take it slow. I looked up and said. This is who I am. Mom looked serious and said Susan told me if I didn't let this take its course there was a strong likely hood that you would try to kill yourself. Is that true? I looked up and said there is only so long you can go on pretending you are someone you are not. But I look around this room and it is a constant reminder of it. I need it gone. All of it! Ok, she said. Let's start by putting your old clothes in bags and I will take them to good will. Susan also said I should encourage your femininity as much as possible. She said if you really are a girl inside that encouraging your femininity would help you blossom. If you are just a boy playing dress up that it would get old really fast. But after what I heard you tell Shannon about your boy parts..... This isn't going away..... Is it? I looked her straight in the eye and said no, it isn't, if she wants me to try girly girl mode to the hilt, bring it on. I've done nothing but hide that part of me my whole life. The genie is out of the bottle. She is not going back in... My mom paused for a moment and took a deep breath and said, good, because I bought something Brian would hate. Or at least pretend to. She left and came back with a package and placed it on the bed. I was curious. She told me to open it. I pulled out of the back the cutest, most feminine baby doll nighty I had ever seen with matching panties. She looked at me and said, ladies should dance in dresses and sleep in confections. She winked and said get ready for bed and left the room. I laughed to myself because I was starting to believe my mom was starting to enjoy this a little too much. My mom was a classically trained ballerina. She was the very definition of femininity and grace. She understood well that feeling that is reserved for girls of being pretty, it's a euphoric sensation of being special. I think my mom felt bad for me that it was something she could never share with me when I was Brian. It is something boys just cannot relate to. But that gender barrier we had between us had just been completely obliterated. My mom saw an opportunity with me to share something that she never dared before. She no longer had that slight awkwardness she had as she tried to relate to me as a boy. She wanted me to feel and experience all the wonderful feminine gifts that life provides and be there for me for the not so wonderful. I was beginning to feel a closeness to my mother that I never imagined possible. She wanted me to experience what it was like to not just to look pretty, but to feel it too. She had nothing but empathy for the pain I felt trying to rid myself of all traces of masculinity. She truly wanted me to be myself and loved me without reservation. I have never felt so loved in all my life. I changed into the nighty she bought me and it didn't take long for mom to come back and take a peek. She poked her head around the door frame and smiling ear to ear she asked if I liked it. She knew the answer already. I "felt" pretty and it showed. I'm going to like sleeping in confections I said with a happy smile. I just don't know what to do about this and pointed to that ugly bulge in my panties. I really hate that mom. I want to cut it off. It doesn't belong there. It doesn't feel part of me. More like a tumor or growth that just needs to be removed. She looked a bit uncomfortable but sat down next to me on my bed. I was able to ignore it most of the time as Brian. These pretty clothes make that impossible and it is very uncomfortable when I try to tuck it away. She could see the stress it was causing me. She asked. What if you change your mind? You wouldn't be able to go back. It has only been a few days. I don't want to rush such a big decision. I looked up, holding back the tears and said ok. I know you just want what is best for me. But like I said, the genie is out of the bottle. She is never, ever going back in. My mom took a deep breath and told me how Dr. Susan had told her about Chrysalis. She told me she would schedule a consultation. I threw my arms around her and gave her a huge hug. She tucked me into bed and as she left I asked her if you could get a cavity sleeping in confections? She laughed and blew me a kiss goodnight. The next few days Shannon and spent almost every hour in the studio. Sometimes mom would join us but most of the time she sat in her office putting together the schedules for when classes started up again. I loved ballet so much and I was a quick learner. Every night I was sore from all that dance but my pretty pajamas made me forget about it fast. I was getting pretty good. I was still a long way from Shannon's skill but I could hold my own. Shannon noticed this and looked at me while we were stretching at the barre and said, Let's take this up a notch. I looked at her like she was crazy. Are you kidding? You are already splitting me in half! She said no.. Follow me. She left the barre and headed to the other side of the room. She opened a door and behind it was a huge room full of ballet costumes. My jaw dropped. I didn't know this was here. She winked at me and said, yes it is and I know just the thing. She went to the back and pulled out a round shaped bag. She unzipped it and pulled out her sugar plum fairy tutu from the nutcracker. She held it out to me and said it should fit. I practically ripped off my leotard and pulled it on. She was right. It did fit. Almost perfectly. It had a corset style back that she laced up and pulled tight. If I wasn't so flat chested it would have been a perfect fit. I walked over to my moms office and caught her eye. I gave a perfect reverence courtesy and smiled. My mom looked at me like it was the first time. She finally spoke... OMG! You are stunning! I need a picture!! Shannon came up from behind and said, I wasn't sure before. But I am now... Brian is dead. We all laughed and I went back into the studio. I wanted to see how my pirouettes looked in my tutu. With all the mirrors you could see every angle. I really did look good. I can wait to do this for real. But, I hadn't even started pointe yet. While Shannon and I were busy dancing one day my mom had been busy redecorating my room. I finally had a girls room. She has great taste. It wasn't over the top girly, but there was a picture of the NY Ballet on the wall. I laid down on my pink and purple bed and just soaked it all in. My mom came in and I thanked her with a big hug. She said this wasn't the only surprise. We had a consultation appointment with Chrysalis the next day! She said I am not promising anything but we should hear what they had to say. That night I could barely sleep. The thought of being as much a girl physically as mentally kept my mind racing a mile a minute. I finally got to sleep. I dreamed of going to the beach in a bikini and no ugly bulge in my bikini bottom. I just laid down on on the towel and enjoyed the sun with no thought or worry of someone seeing a bulge where they shouldn't. It was one of those dreams that seemed real. I was ripped from that dream world by the sound of my alarm clock. I wanted to get up early so I would look my best for my trip to Chrysalis. I got one of the new dresses my mom bought. A light blue cotton dress with short sleeves and a full skirt. It did look good on me. I gave myself a happy twirl and went to work on my hair. I brushed and brushed till it was nice and smooth. Shannon popped in and offered to help with a little make up. I gladly took her up on her offer. That was a skill I still hasn't mastered. I entered the car like a lady and smoothed my skirt and crossed my legs. Mom gave me a look like "where did that come from?". I just gave her a knowing and confident smile and got ready for the long drive. I pulled out my iPad and started watching videos on cute ways to style your hair. There were some really cute French braids I wanted to try. I kept trying to show them to my mom but she was driving. When we finally got there it was not at all what I expected. It didn't look much like a clinic. It was more like a large estate. The entrance had a gate with a guard. Mom showed her ID and he checked a list and he opened the gate. We drove down a long brick driveway that ended with a small parking lot. There were a few golf carts which I guessed were to get people to the other buildings. We walked up some stone stairs to the door and went in. The inside looked a bit more clinic like with a receptionist. Mom gave her our name and she took us to Dr. Upton's office. Dr. Upton looked like she was in her mid thirties and had a kind face. She looked like someone I would like right away. She sat us down and began to ask questions. She had already been briefed by Dr. Susan, as you can't get in without a referral. She looked at my mom, and then at me and said, you have only been living as a girl for a few weeks? Is that right? I nodded. She took a deep breath and said this is unusual. We have never taken a case where the patient has only been living the gender of choice for a few weeks. The shortest we have ever taken before is 1 year. This is highly irregular. This is such a huge and drastic step for anyone. Especially a child. Mom was prepared. She had copied the video from our security cameras in the studio. She put her iPad in front of Dr. Upton and and hit play. Watch this and tell me you see anything that even remotely looks like a boy and then tell me that she would benefit at all from keeping that unwanted growth between her legs. Dr. Upton watched me dance by myself and with my sister for several minutes. She finally broke the silence and said, wow. Usually we put new girls through training to get them to purge their masculine mannerisms. Calissa could probably teach the class...... I'm not admitting her to the program yet. We will need to run some tests. But I cannot deny she is a strong candidate. I jumped out of my chair and gave her a hug. She put her hands on my shoulders and said, slow down young lady. We have some ground to cover first. She took us into a room that had what looked like an MRI machine. She told me to go behind the curtain and change into the hospital gown that was waiting for me. I did and came out. It was drafty but at least it was pink. She had me lay down on the table and the machine took me in. I heard her talking to my mom about the structure of the brain was different in females than males and that the children she worked with, while they had male bodies, they all had distinctively female brain structure. She explained that this was probably caused by a hormone imbalance during gestation. The brain gets wired wrong. We don't know how to fix the brain, but we do know how to fix the body. She was busy checking her computer screen, frantically clicking as if something was wrong. I heard her call my mother over and point to the screen. She said my brain structure showed 87% feminine. That is higher than anyone we have admitted and even higher than some natal girls. We will often take a patient with as little as 60%. She shut down the machine and told me to go get dressed. While I was dressing I could here her talk to my mom. Dr Upton said this place was created for kids just like Calissa. A very wealthy man left his entire estate to make this place possible. He had a son that wanted to be a girl so bad he killed himself. The man never forgave himself. He literally died of heartbreak but left his fortune to transgender research and treatment. Not everyone thinks what we do here is good. That is why this place is fairly secluded. But parents like yourself know better. People say that a young child does not know enough to make such drastic life changing choices. I have done this long enough to know one thing for sure. Kids know who they are. Even if the adults in their life may question. We have an extensive screening process. I will need to make a case to the staff but I am confident we will be able to treat Calissa. She took mom and I back to her office and showed us a video on how they basically take boy parts and turn them into girl parts. I had a crash course in female anatomy. There was much more to it than I guessed. First, they will take my testicles and treat them with stem cells, then they will relocate them deep inside me where ovaries should be. The stem cells do their magic and my testicles will change to ovaries. Then using more stem cells a uterus and vagina will be created that will be surgically put into place. They will be very small at first but will grow to normal size over about a six months. After that my monthly visitor will kick in any time. I will be able to be a mother! Estrogen pellets will be put under my skin to stimulate a female puberty. I blushed a bit when she said I would be about an A cup in less than two months. They also had developed a procedure to increase the number of estrogen receptors in my cells by as much as twenty percent. This procedure has turned out some absolutely beautiful girls inside and out. By the time the pellets run out my ovaries should produce their own estrogen. As the new organs took hold from my own stem cells I would grow and develop like an any other girl. Nobody would ever be able to tell that I was born with the wrong plumbing. I wanted to pinch myself to make sure this was real. Dr. Upton told my mom she would hear from her in about 5 days. They needed to review my scans and the psychological reports from Dr Susan. Mom didn't say much on the way home. I think she was trying to absorb it all. It was a lot to swallow. Like any mother she was second guessing whether she was doing the right thing. I think she felt better when she glanced over and saw me shopping for dresses on my iPad. Boys just don't do that. Or watch videos on how to do new hair styles or cross their legs while wearing a dress. It was all practically screaming at her that she was doing the right thing, but moms are moms. They are built to worry. Just to put on a show for my mom I pulled down the mirror to put on some lip gloss. She glanced my way and seemed to laugh to her self that she ever doubted. The next few days dragged on forever. Like waiting for Christmas Day looking at all those presents under the tree, wondering what might be inside and the almost impossible task of falling asleep on Christmas Eve. The anxiety was killing me. I had a hard time eating too. Shannon did her best to distract me by taking me down to the studio. It worked, until I had to adjust that uncomfortable thing between my legs. It literally was starting to make me sick to my stomach every time I had to touch it. The further I went down the rabbit hole the worse it got and I was pretty deep. I didn't tell anyone but I was seriously considering suicide if they turned me down. It was really that bad. Best case if they turned me down I would cut it off myself. I hated that thing before but now that hate had taken on a life of its own. I was careful to keep it to myself. I didn't want to scare my mom and I was worried people would lock me up if they really knew how close I was to harming myself. After three days of pure torture the phone rang. The caller id said Upton. I seriously peed myself. I gabbed the phone. My mother was on her way but I had to know. I didn't even identify myself and asked, was I accepted????? Dr Upton laughed and said with a bit of playful sarcasm, Calissa, have you been waiting for my call? YES!!!!!!! I can't wait anymore! I have to know!!!!! She said I must speak with your mother first. I gave her a polite but disappointed "yes mam" and handed mom the phone. She tried to walk away for some privacy but I wasn't having any of that! I had to know! I put my ear as close to the phone as I could. Then I heard her say it. I had been accepted! I started screaming and jumping up and down like a freaking girl. I thought my heart was going to explode! Then the water works came. I was so overcome with joy I started crying like a baby. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't speak. I don't think my mom fully understood how much pain, being forced to be a boy had caused. If she didn't get it before she sure did then. Over my sobs I could hear Dr Upton ask if everything was ok. My mom just said Calissa was just doing what girls do when they are overcome with joy. Through my sobs of joy I could hear her tell my mom that I would be admitted for at least three weeks.. I could come home after that but I would need to come back at least once a week for the next two months. It was a lot to ask my mom to keep making that drive but I think she understood just how important it was. I didn't realize till many years later, when I had kids of my own, that doing important things like that, especially when the health and well being of your kids was at stake, things like that didn't feel like a sacrifice at all. It is something you just did without even thinking about it. Shannon came and sat down beside me and gave me a supportive hug. She cried a little too. For some odd reason, when girls cry, it seems to be contagious. She looked me in the eye and said in her big sister voice, well... I guess I won't be able to kick you In the nuts anymore... That made me laugh. I was able to calm down after that. Good thing I hadn't started wearing mascara yet. I had soaked my blouse with tears. Shannon took my hand and said, let me take you upstairs and fix your face. My eyes were all puffy from crying. She took me into the forbidden zone... Her room, and sat me down at her vanity and went to work with a cold wash cloth on my eyes.. Thing were real for her now too and she wanted to set some boundaries. She explained, since you are now my sister we need to agree on a few things. First you never take anything of mine without asking. No hair brushes, no clothes, no make up, no anything. I love you but you need to respect my things. Girls are awful about this but I never had to worry about it before. Second, third, and fourth do not take my things. Are you cool with that? O.k. I said. I'm sorry I borrowed your leotard. But back then I didn't have one of my own I said with a little giggle. She turned me around and looked right at me and said, you can keep that one. I asked why? She said, to remind you of the first day of your life. I thought about that for a minute. I think for everyone there is a point in your life where everything is defined as before or after that event. Twelve is a pretty early time to have such an event. That was mine. There would be before Calissa and after Calissa. Dr. Upton didn't waste time. She wanted me there the next day. She let my mom know that there would be a special gift for me later. It was the longest drive ever. I had so much anxiety I couldn't even watch you tube. My mom turned on the radio and stared singing along to Taylor Swift. I couldn't help but join in. Soon my anxiety began to fade and the clock actually started to move. I had never been away from my mother before. Three weeks seemed like such a long time. She promised she would visit often and we could do FaceTime on my iPad when she couldn't. I loved my mother so much. Especially now. Being away from her that long would be hard. We finally arrived and the receptionist practically jumped out of her chair to greet us. I was a bit taken back because I did not expect that. She put her hands on my cheeks and told me I was a bit of a celebrity and she was so happy I had been accepted. I asked why and she said, I'll give you 87 reasons and laughed. Nobody had ever scored a feminine brain structure that high. Even some natal girl they had tested. She took me back to my room. I was shocked. The room was bigger than my mothers room at home. But this was originally a mansion so I guess it made sense. It even had its own bathroom with a jetted tub and separate shower. There was also a vanity already stocked with make up and perfume. They told me not to pack much so I checked the drawers and closet. Full of pretty things to wear. They spared no expense trying to make me feel comfortable. My mom looked around and said with a laugh , maybe I will stick around after all. There were French doors that went out to a patio that had a beautiful view of the estate. I could see two girls riding bikes down a bike path and was hoping I could join them and make some friends. I heard a voice behind me say, you won't be wanting to ride a bike for awhile after tomorrow. I turned around and it was a very pretty girl about 16 years old. She reached out her hand and said, hi, my name is Cindy. I'm your mentor. I'm hear to show you around and help you get through this any way I can. I was just like you four years ago. They asked me to come back to help so this won't be as scary for other girls. My mom gave her a hug and thanked her. My mom told her this was all probably scarier for her than it was for me. Cindy said we could all go for a bike ride then if we wanted. By tomorrow this time I might be a little sore. I wanted to see the estate so I grabbed my mom and Cindy's hand and said let's go! She took us down to a barn where there were bikes we could use. I also spotted horses. I didn't know anything about riding a horse so I grabbed a bike and Cindy took my mom and I on a tour. The place was huge. It had rolling hills and even had its own lake. It was very peaceful. I couldn't get over how lucky I was. God really did love me. It was about dinner time and my mom decided to stay and eat with me before she started the long ride home. I held her hand through dinner because I could tell she was pretty scared. But deep down she knew this was the right thing. After dinner I hugged her for the longest time. Told her her what an amazing mom she was and held her like there was no tomorrow. She whispered in my ear that if I had any doubt at all that it would be ok if I wanted to wait. I looked her in the eye and said no thank you. I have waited 12 years already. She smiled and left. I changed into the pink silk romper that Cindy left out for me. Just another one of those things that screamed girl! And I loved it.. I started brushing my teeth and Cindy came in and handed me a pill. I asked what it was for? She said if you are anything like I was you are too wound up to sleep tonight. This will help. Trust me, you'll be glad you did. I said ok, but part of me doesn't want to sleep. You know. Like on Christmas Eve. You want to be awake when Santa comes. She handed me the pill and said, Santa will come soon enough and winked at me. She tucked me in bed and kissed my cheek. There I was. In a beautiful queen size canopy bed with satin sheets. Wrapped up in pink silk and lace. I felt like a princess and nodded off to sleep. I had passed the rubicon. There was no turning back now..... At six am two nurses came in with a gurney. Cindy was right. Santa showed up early. They helped me climb onto the gurney and wheeled me down the hall. I had butterflies In my stomach. One of the nurses sensed my excitement and gave a knowing smile. I wondered if she was like me? We went into a large elevator that went down a few floors then they wheeled me into a high tech operating room. The gurney was wheeled next to a table that had extensions for my arms and legs. The nurses picked me up and lifted me onto it. They used Velcro to strap me down and put an IV in my arm. One nurse unsnapped the crotch of my pink romper and the other pulled down my shoulder straps so now it was bunched up around my mid section. I felt rather exposed, then they centered another piece of high tech over my chest. It had two cups where my boobs should be and they locked it down. Then they brought down from the ceiling a triangle shaped piece that they centered over my groin and locked it down. The nurse told me everything was done with laser precision and that I should heal really fast with that the nurse smiled and winked at me and put a syringe in my IV. Within seconds I was out like a light. I was now all the way down the rabbit hole. But, I liked it there. When I finally woke up I was laying in my bed still wearing the pink silk romper. Only now my chest itched a bit and my groin was sore. Cindy was sitting in a chair reading waiting for me to wake up. She was grinning from ear to ear. How do you feel? She already knew the answer to that question since she had been through it herself. I think she really wanted to know about how I felt emotionally since I just permanently crossed over. She didn't want to hear about my sore crotch. I smiled and told her I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my crotch. She laughed out loud because she thought I was going to say shoulders. She came over and laid next to me and held me close. I missed my mother but Cindy wasn't a bad substitute. She pulled me tight and said the hard part is over. You are 90% there. She reached over and gently pulled off the bandaids on my arms. Feel that? She put my hand on my arm and I felt something under my skin. What is that?? She smiled and said, sugar and spice and everything nice. Girl juice. Once your ovaries start working you won't need them anymore but it will help kick start these and she pointed to her perfect C cup breasts. She poked my chest and it hurt. I winced a bit. She said, see, you are already on your way. Bras won't be for dress up anymore. They will be a need. Not just a want. The good news is that what they do here and how they do it, they will be perfect. Not too big and not too small. All wrapped up in a pretty bra they will look great and feel great too. They will be a little sore and tender for the next few months though. I pulled down the covers to get a look at my crotch. I unsnapped the bottom of my romper and slowly pulled back the silk. It looked like the had taken a pad and taped it down with medical tape. There was a tube running out of it that had yellow fluid in it. Not hard to guess what that was. Cindy reviewed what Dr Upton had told me. They had re-routed my urethra and pushed in and stitched my penis into more of a clitoris position. The treatments they have given me would shrink it down to a normal sized clitoris over the next two weeks. I slowly spread my legs and my heart filled with joy over how smooth it all was. Even with all the bandages. Cindy knew what I was thinking. She said, yup, your panties are going to fit a lot better after today. The next few days was just a lot of laying in bed and watching movies with Cindy. The nurse would come in several times a day and check my vitals. Everything was going fine. Dr. Upton stepped in to check on me and said my uterus was growing at an impressive rate in the lab and she said they should be able to do the implant in a few days. On the fourth day my mom and Shannon came to visit. We had FaceTime every day but it wasn't the same. There was something very comforting about having her there. I don't know exactly what it was. The smell of her perfume. The way she held my hand. I'm not sure. It was probably the way she empathized with me and showed such unconditional love. They kept asking how it all went. I finally just lifted up my night gown and showed them. I figured everyone else was looking at it, I might as well show them too. Shannon asked if it hurt? I really think she did love me more than I gave her credit. I just smiled and said, not nearly as bad as how it was before. They thought that was pretty funny. I was able to walk around. Cindy and the nurses would often help so I didn't get blood clots. This time it was mom and Shannon on each side so I didn't fall. It was getting easier every day. I seemed to be healing quickly. I also knew that once they did the implant I would have to start this process all over. I think Shannon was a little jealous that I got to stay in such a nice place. I told her that if she wanted to become a boy I was sure they could hook her up. That shut her up pretty quick. She was quite happy in her own skin. Shannon pulled out a present for me. I opened it up and it was a turquoise blue bikini. She was grinning from ear to ear and said that we were going to Maui before school starts! She told me she picked it out and thought I would be really cute in it! I gave her a big hug and let her know the fashion show would have to wait till I was healed a little more. But I couldn't wait to try it on. The way my chest was itching I might even be able to fill it out a little bit. As much as a 12 year old girl would anyway. It was good to see them. Mom said I was glowing what ever that meant. Maybe it was all the stress that I had bottled up for so long was now gone. I felt like I had a future. Instead of wanting to die, I very much wanted to live. I could finally just be myself. I could shop I the girls section or take ballet and nobody would give it a second thought. I could dance in a tutu without being labeled a perverted freak. People really misunderstand transgendered people. We mostly want to blend in. We don't want to stand out. We want to use the girls bathroom because we want to blend in. We don't want to stand out. Besides,wearing a cute dress with ballet flats into the boys room would get you beaten or worse. I didn't have to worry about that anymore. Dr. Upton was even having my birth certificate changed. If having all that stress taken away makes me glow? It makes perfect sense. After mom and Shannon went home Cindy tucked me in bed. I felt so good I fell right to sleep. I had a very vivid dream. I was walking down the sidewalk in a pretty yellow sundress enjoying the day when I saw a man walk towards me. It was my dad. I was horrified. I had the same thoughts as when my mom caught me in the studio. I froze. I could not breath. Would he hate me? How could he love me after what I had done? Maybe he won't recognize me! What if he does!? What do I do? I was so scared I couldn't move. He came up close and pulled me to him. Just like mom. With emotion in his voice he said, I'm sorry. With tears streaming down my face I asked why? He said, I never got to meet Calissa, I made you feel like you had to keep her a secret and I am so sorry. He lifted me up and hugged me like there was no tomorrow. Just kept saying how sorry he was. I just held him back and told him I loved him and I missed him so much. Cindy woke me up with breakfast and asked why I was crying. I told her how my dad came to me in a dream. She said that really could have been him. I told her it sure seemed real to me. Much later I told my mom about it. She told me she had a dream the night before she caught me in the studio and my dad told her to get ready, because I was going to need her love like I had never before. She never told anyone because she thought everyone would think she was nuts. But she was sure it was really him. If I didn't believe in ghosts before I did then. Finally after ten days Cindy laid out the pink romper for me again. I knew why and I got really excited. She said she never saw anyone so happy about having to bleed every month. I told her better than spontaneous erections. She thought that was pretty funny. Like last time they got me at 6am. They strapped me in and spread my legs. They had my new girl parts ready to go and they put me out. I woke up and Cindy and Dr. Upton were talking. She was telling her not to give me any solid food and to make sure I had plenty to drink. That was fine because I felt like my guts had been put into a blender. Dr. Upton gave Cindy a bottle of pain meds for me and left the room. This time I woke up in a night gown. I pulled it up to see their handiwork. There was a small incision just below my waist that was stit