Life For Rent. Part 3 free porn video

Life for rent - Part 3 Chapter 12 17th August 2016 (now) Sydney Harbour The excessively bright intrusive flash of a camera bulb going off right in my face awakens me with a shatter from my day-mare. What the hell was that? Not the camera flash, but the whole impoverished single mum thing. As I begin to reorient to my surroundings in the restaurant I can't help but shudder that this could be a possible future were I to sleep with Damon Wall. The frightening thing about it was it felt so real. That I was actually living that life. I was confused and concerned as I tried to make sense of it. Is this the deluded product of a sickeningly warped mind or a true premonition in keeping with the fact that I now believe that not only did Beth's spell 13 years ago transform my body, but awaken and engulf me in some truly evil curse, that was only now reaping the true fruits of its labour? Whatever the truth was, I knew I could not risk it. If this is where having sex with Damon will lead me then I'm not going anywhere near there. I would return to my male body without ever having experienced sex as a woman. I would be none the wiser than any of my peers. Of course that wasn't entirely true. Having owned a vagina I felt I well and truly knew my way around one. I may well be a beginner when I'm male again, but I'm fairly sure I'll be a quick study. But back to reality now. Why on earth are people taking photos of me? I see Damon standing before me, trying to put himself between the photographers and myself, shielding me. "Will you just piss off!" he's saying. And he's clearly agitated. Livid even. He seems close to the edge. I quickly stand and position myself beside him. I place my hand around his upper arm, his large bicep, and am suddenly mindful of how small my digits are in comparison to his muscle bulk. "Damon," I say gently. "Let's go." And I pull him towards the exit without resistance. But the photographers follow us. This makes Damon even angrier and I can sense it. He wants to turn again and confront them, but I tighten my grip, and drag him on. He senses my squeeze and complies. We exit the restaurant door and still they pursue us. "We should run," I offer. No sooner have I let go of his arm he is grabbing my hand and sets off at a gallop, with me, in heels, dragged along with him. I'm thinking I could run so much faster, if he let go of my hand, and perhaps this is patronising, but I kind of like it. Even linked as we were, the photographers were no match for a fit footballer and former national runner; we lost them in no time. We ran to a park and disappeared from their sight amongst the trees. They knew they had lost us and gave up soon enough. Even though I could still see the harbour bridge and Opera house I was a little disoriented, but Damon seemed to be in control of the situation, even though a little flustered. He seemed to know where we were. "What in the blue blazes was that all about?" I exclaim, in the panting aftermath. Unconsciously avoiding what would probably be my normal expression for such an event. Am I still trying to give the illusion I'm lady-like I wonder. I remind myself he has seen my foul mouthed storm off the set of 'The Footy Show.' He's probably not fooled. Sometimes I don't know who is principally to blame, Alice or Anthony, for the fact I intermittently swear like a wharfie. "The press," Damon replies. "I knew we should have left the moment the autograph hunters appeared." He seems extremely agitated still. I thought he'd calm down when we'd lost them. "But it doesn't matter," I say, trying to be reassuring and dismiss the whole thing. "But it does," he stresses. "Don't you see? They'll work out who you are easily enough. They'll link us together." I realise his concern, and I am instantly sickened. "Oh Damon I'm so sorry!" I'm truly mortified. "Is this going to stuff up your divorce? Is she going to use this? Especially with my current reputation. Will she use this to imply you're a playboy?" "I don't care about that. Dani can try what she likes. I've got Lucinda. I'm just worried about you. I'm worried about how they'll use this to make you look even worse." I watch him. This is what he's really worried about. Me. Even though we are still recovering from our sprint I still feel my heart race. I don't remember the last time someone who wasn't my sister cared this much about my welfare. I've never had a man care this much about me before. "I don't mind," I begin, uncharacteristically coyly. "Being seen with you. I like being associated with you," I say before my mind can filter anything. He looks at me. Processing for a moment. He takes a thorough glance around then, ensuring no press is watching, ensuring in fact that no-one is watching, then in one swift motion wraps his broad arms around my waist and pulls me to him, kissing me firmly and passionately on the lips. From me there is no hesitation, I'm instantly kissing him back. There was no doubt this is what I wanted, and now I had it. If there was a voice inside me saying, 'Kim, don't do this, what about your premonition, he'll knock you up, and you'll be stuck forever as a homeless crack whore.' (Which may have strayed slightly from the original script but nonetheless.); I could not hear it over the sound of my beating heart. I had wondered if kissing a man would feel different to kissing a woman. But it was thirteen years since I'd kissed Lucinda, so could I even remember enough to compare? Maybe he tasted a bit different but the distinction was immaterial. It was still kissing, and it still felt decidedly nice. It was prolonged. Like I felt all good storybook first kisses should be, but eventually we had to come up for air. He still held me when our faces separated and he said softly. "Sorry. I couldn't help myself." I grinned. "You're only human," I added. Now that the kissing has stopped it allows my internal voices to finally have their say. And the gist of it was something like: What are you doing Kim? Do not fall for this guy. Because your timing just completely sucks. You can't have your afternoon delight and not expect consequences. Maybe not your doomsday scenario but even so, you should not do anything to jeopardise your transformation. "So?" he asks. "We've still got plenty of time before Lucinda. What do you want to do now?" It wasn't asked like there was only one answer. Maybe he only wanted one answer, I don't know, but it could have comfortably been answered with a let's go for a walk, or let's get an ice cream, such as the way it was tabled. I don't answer though. Well not that specifically. "You do know you didn't need to drag me along in our escape don't you?" I tease. "I mean I'm quite capable of running away on my own. In fact I could probably kick your arse, even in these heels." They weren't high stilettos or anything, I never wore those, but they were a solid mid heel, and definitely not 'Athletics Australia' approved. "I find that hard to believe," he retorts. "Fine then," I say. "Catch me if you can." I set off through the park, not at full pelt, but pretty quick, and I'm laughing, which slows me anyway. He takes a moment to register what's happening, so I get a reasonable head start. I of course want him to catch me, but I'm not going to make it easy for him. I figure that this is probably a fair analogy for my life right now rather than just the race. After making him work for it over a couple of hundred metres I purposefully slow and sense him closing. But the action of doing so sets of an unexpected trigger, and I'm suddenly remembering the last time I was chased by a footballer. I stop. I'm shaking. Damon arrives in a mere moment and gently grabs me. "Gotcha!" he exclaims victorious but I stiffen and tense in his grasp. He sees my face. "What's wrong?" "I'm so stupid," I say as tears form. "I just re-enacted my own rape scenario, with you as the special guest." "What?" he's stunned. "That bad experience with a footballer," I say with my voice cracking. "I was 18 and training for states one night when the captain of the rugby team found me, chased me down and raped me outside the athletics stadium." I pause, I know I'm shaking uncontrollably now; I hope he can't see it, but he probably can. "Running away from you just had too many parallels. It all came back." "Oh God Kimberley! But I would never hurt you." "I know that. I'm just fucked up about it. I hadn't let another human being touch me since. Till you. Till today." Well there was Lucinda, so I perhaps should have specified a gender, but realistically speaking, it was accurate. "I'm sorry Damon. It's not that I don't want to take you back to my hotel room. I just can't." "I wasn't expecting you to." "Oh." I'm a bit deflated. "But I would have come eagerly if you asked me to." He smiled. "It's better this way. You can get to know me and we can just take our time and see where things lead." "I'd like that." "I'm sorry that happened to you. It must have been awful," he's trying I guess. "Yeah." I'd regained some composure now. "But the worst part is I'd really lead him on, a few days earlier, to make Lucinda jealous, so I live with the guilt I kind of brought it on myself a bit." "No you didn't. There's no excuse for that. Nothing justifies that. Don't give him any concession." "I suppose." "Just an observation though, you and Lucinda have a bizarre friendship." "Well that's true. I'm still apprehensive of how it's defined now." Which I am. "So you'll find out soon enough. Meanwhile let's find a bench with a view and sit and talk." He put his arm around my waist and we set off. As we walked I leant my head in against him. It was nice. It was of course transient, and without any hope of a future, but with all the hate that had been thrown my way lately, it really was refreshing to have someone like me for me, even in spite of all they'd heard. My life had a different kind of fulfilment than it had ever had before, either as Kimberley or Anthony. It was an intoxicating feeling, and maybe a little addictive. "So!" I raise as we meander along, interlinked as we were. "Of my many failings exposed in the past week, have you just added another one?" "What?" he doesn't know what I mean. "Have you just turned me into a criminal?" "How so?" "Didn't we just do a runner from the restaurant? Without paying?" I asked concerned. He laughs. "It's okay. I have an account there. They'll just charge it. So, No. You're not a fugitive." "That's a relief," I joke. And though I'm not sure it was physically possible, maybe more metaphorical, I find myself leaning into him more. Chapter 13 At the end of the date with Damon Wall he returned me to Lucinda's office. I felt a soft sort of melancholy, but of course I had to remind myself that this, whatever we had, whatever I felt, was ultimately to be rendered meaningless. I'll be a man again soon, and like I was for my previous stint as one of those, I'll be into women. For no particular reason then I thought of Ally. Happily single, meeting lots of guys. Would I be the sort of guy Alice Nguyen would actually want? Would that be weird? It was a good way to get my mind off Damon. At least for a moment. I was a bit reluctant to kiss him again with Lucinda right there. But I wanted to. Instead I kissed him on the cheek, and thanked him for being such a gracious chaperone. "Will you still be in Sydney on the weekend?" he asked. I wasn't sure how quickly Lucinda would do what I needed her to do. And whether she would anyway. "I've booked the hotel for a week," I reply. "It's just that we have a home game this weekend," he states. "It's the second last game of the regular season. We have to win to stay in the finals race." "Okay," I say. I vaguely get the point of his jargon. Winning this game is important or even crucial. "I'd really love you to come and watch me play." "Oh Damon it's not really my thing. You know that." "Please. I'll make it worth your while." He looks so hopeful. "Fine!" I relent. "But I will embarrass myself with my lack of knowledge." "I'll make sure you sit with experts." "Alright." My reticence is how acutely I remember Lucinda's days when Brian had a crunch game when we were teens. She would hardly see him and he'd be so focused he'd virtually ignore her. When it was over what happened next depended on the result. If they won, once the celebratory drinking was done all he wanted to do was fuck. I had certainly used that to my advantage when I needed to seduce him. But if they lost then it always seemed to be Lucinda's fault. Even if Damon didn't treat me that way I'd see none of him for hours. And who are the experts he proposes to leave me with. Not the WAGS of the other players surely? They'd tear me to bits. Still. It was a little enticing to see what he'd be like playing. We exchange numbers. I may as well keep busy whilst I wait, I self justify. It'll be like a holiday I suppose. A farewell to all things Kimberley. I watch him head away towards the elevators and feel a gentle fondness. I turn back to Lucinda who had witnessed the exchange but said nothing. It occurs to me then what's different. Our earlier meeting today was so brief before she ushered me away. We would have more time now I hoped. The last time I had seen her, 10 years earlier at that Aths meet I had felt butterflies. I'd felt them again today, but not just for her. It had always been my dream, my plan. Get my maleness back. Then get Lucinda back. But she was married, with children. And had been that way for years. I never knew. I'd never really followed up what was happening in her life. Partly because I was hurt by that day but also because I had perhaps predicted this was an inevitability. Lucinda had always been a major part of my motivation to transform back. It served me well to not know that she was no longer available to me. Maybe if my life hadn't fallen to pieces so completely I might have had reason to at least doubt the zealousness of my determination. My original main incentive was completely gone. However there was a myriad of other good reasons to transform, that had emerged in my life right now. So Lucinda or no, the absolute right thing to do was to return to the body I was born in. Reclaim my rightful identity. And let Kimberley have hers back. To do with that life whatever she wants. We walk in silence back into Lucinda's office, and even though no-one else is around she closes the door. "So am I being charged by the minute?" I'm facetious. "We'll see." "Well I expect you know why I'm here, if you saw 'A Current Affair.' With Anthony being awake. But you probably don't know what I need from you." She says nothing. "I need you to transfer my Melbourne flat into Clare's name, and half of all my other assets into Anthony's name, so that I can afford to live when I'm him again." "What?" "I earned it all Cinders, technically it's all mine, but I want to be fair to Kimberley, so half/half is pretty fair." In my bad dream or whatever it was; Lucinda transferred the lot; it wasn't what I wanted, and there was just a tiny element of 'just in case' now that I'd seen a potential future of destitution. So I will hold my ground on that. Just half. "You can't change back." It's as if she's just worked out that was my agenda. I would have thought that was inherently obvious the moment I'd arrived earlier in the day, and the brief comments I'd made when I conversed with her had certainly alluded to it. "I can! Beth said she would change me back when Anthony woke up. Well he's awake now. He has been for a couple of weeks apparently." I'm assured but not aggressive. "Months," Lucinda says. "What?" "He's been awake for a couple of months." "Really?" Longer than I thought, which worries me even more. "How do you know?" "Because I've seen him." "When? How?" I'm shocked and surprised. Why would she see him? "Lots of times. Clare's parents contacted me when he woke up. They thought I'd want to see him." "Jesus Lucinda. Well that just raises so many questions. Why didn't they tell Clare? Why didn't you tell Clare? Why didn't you tell me? And why the hell did you go anyway." "Okay. Well if her parents weren't gonna tell Clare it wasn't my place to. And I think they didn't tell her for two reasons. The first so that he'd recovered a bit before she saw him and the second because of you." I can tell by the way she said it Lucinda believes the second thing carries more weight. I realise then that she has specifically referred twice to my parents as Clare's parents. Is that deliberate? Or has she truly forgotten they were once my parents? It's unnerving me. "They still think evil Kimberley had something to do with it? The coma. And that's no doubt made worse by whatever lies he's been saying since he woke up. Did you go to stop him?" "Not exactly." "Then why?" "Because he needed my help. To get his memory back." "What?" That's completely unexpected. "I didn't see him for the first two weeks but when he first woke up he couldn't remember who he was." "Well of course he wouldn't. The last thing he'd remember he was me. He was Kimberley I mean." "No. He doesn't remember that. He doesn't remember anything." "Bullshit!" I express my cynical venom. "It's a trick. She's a conniving bitch. She'd suck in mum and dad because they don't know any better. But you know who she really is. You remember what she's really like Cinders. You can't seriously let her trick you." "Don't you think I considered that? Honestly Kimberley, I think being in a coma all those years, his memory is completely wiped." "So you're seriously trying to say he doesn't remember being Kimberley at all." "Exactly!" Lucinda is serious. "It's the biggest crock I've ever heard," I ooze my suspicious cynicism. "His mum and dad have worked tirelessly, not only to get him up and walking again, but to remind him who he was. Photos, home videos, everything they could find. They started introducing people from his past to try and jog his memory. Like me, and Jack Nimbin and Caitlin......" "Wait! Caitlin has seen him too?" "Yes. And she agrees with me. He doesn't remember anything about his old life. He only remembers being Anthony Wilkins." "I still don't believe it. But if it was true then the only reason he thinks he's Anthony Wilkins is because he's been brainwashed to think that. Mum and dad are inadvertently giving him my memories, my identity." I pause for a second as further realisation engulfs me. "Are you trying to tell me they're giving him my friends too?" "What would you have me do?" "Not buy into this ridiculousness. You should be telling him who he really is." "That's what's ridiculous. He'll never believe that." "That's because he's in denial. Deep down he knows who he really is. He just doesn't think it possible because it's beyond any sort of comprehension. I was in the same boat for a while. He's just 13 years behind. Tell him he's really Kimberley and his real memories will come flooding back." "You haven't seen him. The way he talks. The way he thinks. Those little nuances he has. It's all Anthony." "I'm ANTHONY!" I yell. "All those things are being learned and imprinted from studying videos of me. This has got to stop. It's just going to make things harder for him when we transform back." "You can't change back. I really don't think you should." "You can't be serious?" I'm exasperated, but also increasingly concerned. "I am." "Thirteen fucking years Cinders. The only thing that's kept me going is that is one day I'd get me back and then as a result get you back. I didn't really expect you to wait and clearly you haven't. But I thought you'd still be on my side. Still want me to be me again. Instead you've just replaced me with a look-alike. "But you have a new identity now. A new life now. He's Anthony Wilkins. That's all he knows. You can't take that away from him." "For a start. My life is shit. I don't want it. And secondly I bloody well can and will. That's exactly what happened to me at 18. That was the only identity I knew. So all I'm doing is putting things to rights." "Do you really think he'll survive the transformation? He was in a coma for 13 years last time. This time will kill him." "That's exactly why he can't be me. He's so feeble minded he can't cope. And can't hope to ever truly be an adequate replacement for me." "Jesus Kimberley. Why can't you just leave things as they are? It's the right thing to do. It's what the person you used to be would have done." "Well exactly. I just want to be the person I used to be." "And you'd willingly kill someone to achieve that." "We don't know that he'd die. And if he did is that such a big deal? It'd be the end of Kimberley. But she really doesn't have a lot going for her. I've seen to that." I'm so mad I'm probably not really filtering what I'm saying. "Can you hear yourself?" she calls me on it, which I should have expected. "I'm going to do this whether you help me or not." I refuse to back down. "If you want to see me impoverished when I'm back to being Anthony; fine! But it will happen. I guess Kimberley can have a nice payout after 13 years of coma," I say begrudgingly. "If she survives," I add with unabridged malice. Lucinda had been getting more and more agitated as we talked. Now she looks ropeable. "You belong in that body," she screams. "You deserve to be Kimberley. I felt sorry for you with all that's happened lately. But now I think it's wonderful. Just desserts. Because you're selfish and callous and cruel just like you were when you were a teenage mean girl. I'd say you haven't changed at all. But of course you have. You're just exactly the person I'd expect Kimberley Jacobs to be at 31. I hope Beth refuses to change you back. I'm going to tell her to. I won't let you hurt him. He's an innocent." "Listen to yourself." Things have escalated now. I scream back. "You're fucking crazy. He's not an innocent. He's a fictional character. And don't you dare poison Beth's mind. If you don't approve fine. But stay out of my way. You can't have it both ways Lucinda. 10 years ago you ruined my athletics career by saying I wasn't really a woman. And now you're saying I am, I have to be, because some retard has stolen my identity. You're a fucking hypocrite!" She says nothing. I breathe deeply a few times and then begin again, calming and softening my voice, but I'm still bitter. "I was your best friend for 18 years Lucinda. And then something awful happened to me. That wasn't my fault. And you abandoned me. And hated me. You were so malicious to me that day at Games trials. And for another 10 years you haven't made any effort to see me or check on my welfare. So you've lost all rights to tell me what to do. I just want to be me again. And you think I'm not entitled. You think I'm evil for wanting that. You're the evil one for trying to stop me." I'm close to tears and I don't want her to see me cry so I turn to leave. I'm determined to do this with or without the finances sorted. I need to see Beth. But I'll wait till tomorrow. And just get her to do it there and then. I do believe what I said. Once Kimberley's back in her own body she'll remember. And the transformation couldn't possibly kill her could it? She could go in my stead to the footy game. Maybe she and Damon Wall will hit it off. She's probably more his type than I am. And maybe I can get Ally to love me when I'm Anthony again. And if not her maybe someone, anyone. I'm so mad with Lucinda. This is such a betrayal. She's almost all out of chances. "Don't do this......Anthony," Lucinda calls after me. She says my name like it's so difficult to say. "Prove to me you're still the person I grew up with." I only half turn because I can't hide my tears anymore. And I will not let her see them under any circumstances. Does she really believe I can prove that? Or is she just trying to manipulate me? "I can't," is my conclusion. "Because apparently I'm not." My voice is steady, in spite of my emotion, and my tears remain hidden. "As far as you're concerned at least. You've erased all memory of me and replaced with a new version. A duplicate. And you seem to like that one so much better." I pause hoping she'll refute my claim. Or at least offer some sort of concession. She is silent. "I'm the real Anthony. And I will be me again. One way or the other. And when I am I will come back. I hope that when I do you'll change your mind. Because it will be our very last chance." I leave in silence then. I can't believe this. I've lost Lucinda to coma Anthony's trickery. Surely Beth and Caitlin won't be so easily deceived. There's no logic to this. Any of it. Lucinda's behaviour. The 'new' Anthony's too I suppose. I'm still sure it's all a cunning ruse. But to what end? For the first time then, I have to really consider the possibility of the other explanation. Suppose I was wrong and this was all true. He really has no memory. So what does that mean exactly? To him? To me? Let's speculate then that he wakes up and has no memory of anything. Mum and dad are telling him he's Anthony so of course he believes it. Sees photos of himself, or who he believes to be himself, and videos of himself. Starts to learn my old behaviours and mannerisms from what he sees. Mum and dad bring in a procession of old friends and Wullendonga locals. He can't remember how he ended up in a coma so Jack Nimbin gives him the popular version. The one where Kimberley, me, poisoned him. Then when Tracey Singer's researchers were digging up dirt they hit the mother lode. They found him. And he was simply reciting what he'd been told. And that story, like all the stories he's being told, will become his memories because he is an empty vessel waiting to be filled. And the more he learns about Anthony Wilkins the more he becomes him. If that's all true then is Lucinda right? Hasn't he suffered enough? What right have I to pry him from his body? And clearly there can't be two of us. So if he is truly Anthony Wilkins now then..... Then who the hell am I? Oh God! Lucinda expects me to just go back to being Kimberley and disappear into the night. She's got her wish. She wanted Anthony to find his way back to her and he has. It's just that I'm not him. I'm not Anthony. She doesn't care that he's manufactured. I'm being betrayed all over again. And Clare. Well she won't want anything to do with me now. For one she thinks I made a pass at Mark. And secondly she has her brother back at long last. So I've lost everyone and everything. And now to go back to being me seems like a malevolent thing to do. To 'do the right thing' I'm expected to stay Kimberley and live her sucky ruined life. And I may as well expect to follow the script of my nightmare. Fulfil the prophecy I was shown during my lunch with Damon Wall. Beth had jokingly threatened to turn me into a Kings Cross hooker once, back when I first discovered what she had done to me. Now, 13 years later it appears I'm well on my way to becoming a Fortitude Valley one instead. (Or Loganlea if we want to be pedantic about my horror story, but Brisbane is Brisbane, let's not get too particular about geography.) At least I'll be a mum I suppose, if this apparent future comes to fruition. But I never wanted that. That's the whole reason I save other people's babies, to suppress any cluckiness my ovaries may be trying to instil in me, and remind me how frighteningly brittle they are. I didn't even know I liked the name Elise. But apparently I must. These thoughts had accompanied me all the way on the walk to my hotel room. It was dark and I was in a city foreign to me but the streets were still busy with people so I didn't feel unsafe. Back in my room I sit on the bed. I sigh. I make in my head, my own executive summary, and try desperately to convince myself of it. I don't believe any of this. I can't. To do so would be to concede defeat. But for the first time since the very early days of the transformation I find myself beginning to wonder who I truly am. I feel dissociated. I feel adrift. I feel lost. I have to refocus. Kimberley is simply tricking them all with her facade. If I saw her I'll see through it. But I still wasn't planning on seeing her. I had no desire to go to the Dong. If Beth could do the spell remotely, just as she had originally all those years ago, it could all be done tomorrow. And then the new Kimberley can go on her merry way. Unable to achieve what evil end she was up to with her concocted memory loss. I will in fact be doing everyone a favour, and with this in mind I tell myself I can rest easy. But of course I couldn't 'rest easy.' After being unsettled and not able to sleep for hours I found myself in the bathroom of my hotel room. I peered into the mirror. "Are you still in there Anthony?" I ask out loud of the girl staring back at me. Would Caitlin still be able to know it's me just by looking in my eyes, just as she'd done on the back blocks of the University all those years ago? But that's silly. She knows it's me. She knows who I am. Doesn't she? I felt in intense need of her council. I needed the grounding my loyal friend Caitlin would give me; not the shifting sands of treachery that my former friend and potential dangerous enemy Lucinda was currently bamboozling me with. How seriously can I take Lucinda's accusations, having seen me twice in 12 years? She doesn't know me. Who I am. What I've done. All the lives I've saved. Who is she to judge? Of course I wouldn't intentionally hurt, let alone kill Kimberley to get my life back. I was just speaking heatedly. Surely 13 years on Beth will be able to do this, swap us back I mean, much more safely and less painfully. She says she doesn't 'practice witchcraft' anymore, whatever that means, but I'm sure she still dabbles and would be all the better for experience. So Lucinda shouldn't be worrying about that. She was just being unnecessarily dramatic. And mean. I'm sick of people saying I deserve to be Kimberley. Clare said it 3 years ago. Lucinda said it today. Caitlin certainly said it in the early days. Am I truly that horrid a person? Admittedly Clare had kind of said it like a positive thing. But surely they are wrong. Do I truly deserve all that's happened to me? 13 years ago; and now? I don't think I do. And if some power has decided that I do then I'd like to know why. And there's something else weighing on my mind too. I've forgotten what it feels like to be male. I know I should remember. The fact that I don't makes me feel like my claims on being Anthony are more tenuous. I'd have to relearn being male when I am one. It won't be too hard though, will it? They're not very complex creatures really. I'm sure I'll miss being a woman. At least for a time. But then I'll probably forget what that was like as well. Although I found that hard to believe. I didn't feel like the monthly sensation of having your insides metaphorically wrenched out by a rusty scraper would be that easy to forget. Is there a chance that when push comes to shove, maybe tomorrow, I'll back out. Choose to stay like this? Because this transformation is different. The first time it was forced and I was unaware. This time it's a choice. I didn't choose to be female. But I am. Can I truly consciously un- choose that? I am, by and large, used to be being this. Sure there are some aspects of being a woman I may not be great at. My refusal to develop and express my sexuality for one. But I maintain that is more to do with being raped than being formerly male. But as for the rest, by and large, I feel indistinguishable from any other member of my gender. Isn't there something to be said for 'better the devil you know?' I suspect if I think too much about it, when the time came, I probably will freeze up. I realise therefore, the key point to commit me to the process of 'turning back' is the obvious simple truth. This life is shit now. I've got to get out of it. And I need to do whatever it takes to achieve that. Chapter 14 Neither Beth nor Caitlin answered their phone when I rang them next morning. This was a disturbing trend of late, generally. It made me think of someone else who'd been suspiciously silent. 3 days since my shambolic "A Current Affair" interview, and 2 days since I was fired and still no contact with Ally. In fact the last time I'd seen or spoken to her was exactly a week ago, before 'The Footy Show.' Was that truly only a week? It seemed like a lifetime. In so many ways. My disconcerting assumption was that Alice is as shocked by my past indiscretions as Dr Michaels was. And if that's her attitude then defiantly I decide I'm not going to fall in love with her when I'm Anthony. (As if it might be something I have control over!) Although I still wouldn't take a one night stand off the table. (God. I reflect. I sound like a man already. Or maybe just a woman who's not afraid to ask for what she wants. Which of those two things, currently I'm neither.) But is that really what she thinks? With regard to Caitlin and Beth I get a taxi to go see them anyway, somewhere north of the Harbour. I'm disheartened to discover from their neighbour they are away until Sunday. I have a fleeting concern that they might be in Wullendonga, with Anthony. But they could be anywhere. It's best I not jump to conclusions or make assumptions. All that does is land me in further trouble. I figure I'll persist with the phone calls, to both of them. Surely I'll get hold of one of them eventually. But it does highlight the fact that nothing is going to plan. There has been no expedient transfer of funds; or expedient transfer of bodies. After Lucinda's refusal to help me there would be no transfer of funds full stop. I feel like no one is on my side. No Clare, no Lucinda, no Ally. I'm suddenly feeling very sorry for myself. (Once again, I suppose. It seems to be happening a lot lately. I sigh and I shrug.) I have to do something though. Right now I feel like Damon Wall is my only friend in the world and I have to remind myself I met him exactly one day ago and ringing him right now would terminate that relationship for good, as I would be effectively a crazy stalker. So of those 3 women who have seemingly turned against me, Alice is perhaps the most unknown, the relationship most salvageable. So here I am, think I, Thursday afternoon in a different city, taxiing back to my hotel room, alone and lonely. Time to stop being pathetic. I decide to text Alice. Maybe I'll start with a non confrontational apology. Just a general one. On the assumption I need to apologize. For everything. "I'm sorry. Are we okay?" I text. At least the reply was quick so I'm not stewing. "Of course K. I've been trying to see you for days. Your flat's deserted. Now I know why. What the hell are you doing in Sydney? Actually don't answer that! LOL." Encouraging at least. She's not mad. But what the hell is she talking about? And how does she know I'm in Sydney? I hadn't told anyone. I'd pretty much booked the flight Tuesday night and flown up Wednesday morning. No one knew I was going, and no one knew I was coming. That's the question I ask her. How did she know I was in Sydney? Her reply is simply "Oh Kim!" And a web link. I click on it. It's a Herald Sun article from today's newspaper. 'Just what the Doctor ordered!' Is the title. Below it is a photo taken at the restaurant. Me with my best deer in headlights face. Of course I was deep in my own nightmare at the time it was taken. Damon meanwhile looking peeved. Not really a keeper of the pair of us. The subtitle is 'Has Damon Wall found love with disgraced Medico?' I'm not sure what sound it is that I emit. Some sort of groan I suppose. 'Disgraced medico!' Good grief. I best get used to catchy titles like that I imagine. The article was nothing new of course. Just speculative. A recap of one of the worst weeks of my life. And that's saying something given I had a history of being raped and an inconvenient, unexpected gender swap. I thought of Damon straight away. Has he seen this? It's the last thing he needs before his important match. But he will see it. And maybe this will soften the blow, if it comes from me. I on send the link to him. With the caption. "Look honey. A souvenir photo of our first date." There's no reply. For a while. And I wonder if I've overstepped. Finally. Probably after 30 minutes he texts back. "First of many?" I deflate. This guy really seems to like me. With such consummate bad timing. The only positive thing going on for me at the moment. But I don't want to hurt him. Can't I just be his rebound and move on girl? I can't fall for him, but more importantly he can't fall for me. Because the more I know about him, the more I can't abandon him to the original Kimberley when she is back. I shouldn't lead him on. Maybe Saturday is a bad idea. "Are we counting Saturday?" I text. Exactly the opposite of what I should have said. "Win, lose or draw!" Is his instant reply. "Be sure to throw the ball between the sticks" "Good lord. You really are a bimbo." "Who seems to be partial to knuckle dragging Neanderthals." "Indeed." Kimberley Louise Jacobs what on Earth do you think you are doing? I scold myself. And not just because I'm particularly bad at flirting. Because it seems I'm doing precisely the antithesis of what I should be doing. Every action I take! Oh well, I figure I've got 24 hours of watching videos on the internet to learn the ins and outs of Australian rules football. So I don't make a fool of myself. More than I already have perhaps, I suppose is what I mean. I ring Ally now - figuring my text exchange with Damon needed to be brief and that was a suitable termination point. We can talk more about the article on Saturday if he wants. "Hi!" I begin when she answers straight away. "Oh God Kim I've been so worried about you. I tried ringing you all weekend and you didn't answer or reply. And then you were in the hospital Monday and Tuesday and you didn't see me. I thought you were mad." "No Al, just humiliated. I didn't want to face you." "Fuck that Kim. The girl who gets out of her bed in the middle of the night and comes and rescues me from random Melbourne suburbs when I've slept with the totally wrong fuck face. Or holds my hair back in the loo and drags me home when I'm wasted. You don't have the right to be embarrassed around me. You don't get to go into hiding. And most of all you don't get to fly off to Sydney, chasing some man, without bringing me with you." "I didn't chase him to Sydney." "Then why are you there?" "To see my friend, who's a lawyer, to help me with the medical board awfulness." She's silent. Processing I imagine. I continue. "I just ran into him whilst I was up here. He asked me to lunch. To apologize for what happened on 'The Footy Show.' It was all so innocent. Nothing happened," I lie. "Sadly. I believe that. I so hoped it was true though." She means the news article. "That you'd been impulsive and maybe even succumbed to lust. That you'd finally blown the cobwebs out of your vag!" "Alice!" "Oh come on Kim. You need a good shag. Now more than ever. He's hot and probably not at all discerning. He'd even do you," she jokes. "I've got more important things on my mind Al." "You always do," she sighs. "How long are you up there anyway?" "Not sure yet." "Do you want me to come up on the weekend?" "No. It would be nice but I've got stuff to do. Old friends to see. I'm a girl on a mission." "Oh okay. It'll be alright though. They can't deregister you." "It doesn't feel like it will be okay. It feels like everyone's out to get me." "The haters are always the first out of the blocks Kim." "What?" "You're the athlete. It's like a race. The haters are sprinting off the line but they'll run out of steam. It just takes a bit longer for decency and common sense to catch up. But it will. And will ultimately win out in the end." "Since when do you talk in allegory?" "Since my best friend has been an introspective intellectual who takes herself way too seriously." "I'm not. I don't." "Tell me a joke then." "I don't know any." Alice laughs. "I rest my case. Damon Wall should count himself lucky. He dodged a bullet." "I hope you're right Al. It just feels too much like a mob style lynching." I ignore her teasing. "Just wait and see." "Okay." Knowing full well I won't, but this did remind me I may never see Alice again. "You're a good friend, Ally," I add. "So if I never return from Sydney know it's not you. Oh and if a guy ever comes up to you; a complete stranger; when you're out at one of your haunts, and says this code word: 'Bullous pemphigoid.' Give him a chance. He may just be exactly what you're looking for." I figure it's a good opportunity to give the future me a little bit of a head start. Whilst I don't feel it right now, the heterosexual male I'm soon to become could do absolutely no better than this amazing chick. "What are you talking about crazy woman?" she's quite rightly flabbergasted. "Oh nothing. I'm probably just being melodramatic I guess." But the seed is planted, I think. "Alright. As long as he doesn't actually have it! I don't like the idea of serous fluid all over me." "That's just gross Alice!" "Ha. But if you don't come back. I will come up and get you." "I don't think you should bother. Anyway I better go. I need to dye my hair." "Seriously?" "Probably not. But I have considered it. For disguise purposes. I'm a little too recognisable right now. And so I can be a brunette like you." "You're an idiot. Remind the Asian girl hair only comes in one colour why don't you." "Ha! You're only Asian when it suits you. And don't pretend for a second you don't put colour in." "Fine. Eurasian then. But don't you dare imply I have as many options with my hair as you do blondie." "Hmmm. Now I'm confused. Am I being racist or are you?" "Well it certainly wouldn't be me; you Aryan master child." "Alice Nguyen. I'm going. And don't think that I don't realize that the biggest irony in my life is the fact that the world thinks I'm the slut. When truthfully my best friend is." "Trust me hon. The world thinking you're a slut is a standalone irony of such epic proportions that you can stop there. Frigid bitch!" she laughs heartily. "Honestly Alice your language is appalling. If your father heard you talk like that." "Sorry mum!" "I really am going now. But I do feel better after some of your unique life lessons." "You're welcome." We say our goodbyes. An insignificant one for her. The opposite for me. I'm not sure how many more goodbyes I'll have. I'll miss her. I kind of feel like she won't think much of me as Anthony. Secret code not withstanding. I could always tell her who I was I suppose. But at the moment the only people on my side are those that don't know the truth about me. So I'm not sure that would be a good idea. What if, for example, Damon Wall ever learned my secret? I dread to think. But there is no possible way he would. Because I couldn't imagine any of the four people, aside from me, who knew the truth, being malicious enough to tell him. Clearly then, I would discover, I did in fact have a naive lack of imagination. Chapter 15 Saturday August 20th. What does one wear on a football date? I had no idea. I just went with jeans and a top. With a coat. Sure Sydney was often warmer than Melbourne, but it was still winter. I had visions of dolled up trophy wives with a full face on and telescopic stilettos as the assorted wags. Cliquish clones that were original Kimberleyesque in behaviour and brutality. They would chew me up and spit me out. Something akin to the real housewives I imagined. But I wasn't one of them so I wasn't going to primp myself up like them. When Damon had sent me the game details I don't know why I was surprised. I should have come to expect such cruelty from fate. The Giants home ground was none other than Sydney Olympic park stadium. The last time I was there was as a competitor in the games trials of 2006. I'd already been reminded of that by seeing Lucinda for the first time since then. Now I get to physically revisit it. His football team didn't exist the last time I was here, only being formed in the last five years, so I had no way to know. I met Damon outside the stadium late Saturday morning. It was a bit more built up than 2006, though not much. Everything had originally been built for the Sydney Olympic games in 2000. As fifteen year olds Lucinda and I had saved up for tickets and snuck there to watch a day of the Athletics without our parents knowing. I hadn't thought about that the last two times I was here. Thinking about it now, just made me mad. Bloody Lucinda! She seriously would rather see me rot away as Kimberley. Some friend! Were we ever? Maybe I'm reflecting on our shared history with rose coloured glasses. But I retract that thought as soon as I have it. As bad as things are now, I can never rewrite what we once had. It's just a bit ruined now. Damon's face lit up when he saw me, I was excited too, but I chose to contain my smile. "I can't stay long. I have to get back. I can't bring you to the rooms before the game. Some of the guys think it's bad luck." I'm not surprised. I could say something that reflects exactly what I think of that sort of rationale but I leave it. "I know what you're thinking Kimberley. And I agree. It's a bit chauvinistic. But I do think I'd be very distracted having you around when I'm supposed to be focusing, so I suppose in that regard I think it's best. But I promise to dote on you after." "I've never been doted on. How do I know I'll like it?" Oh just shut up! He doesn't reply. Thank God. Instead he changes the subject. "I just wanted to hand you over to the experts. Then I'll go. They should be here any minute" "It's not the WAGS is it?" I can't contain my fear. "No," he stalls. "Well originally yes. But it was pointed out to me that this was the worst idea. And judging by your reaction just then it would have been. I didn't consider that throwing you to a pack of devouring women would have been a bad idea. So instead it's my best friend and his wife." "Oh Okay," I offer. Still uncertain. "Seeing you'd never heard of me, you won't have heard of him either." Damon feels the need to explain. "Stephen Butler. Ex Giants captain. Founding captain in fact. He's retired now. He was a real star though. And a big mentor for me." "I look forward to meeting him," I say politely. He'll be alright I imagine. If he's like Damon. "Here they are now." He indicates two people approaching from the car park, a man and a woman. The retired star footballer and his wife. My eyesight is fine. They are still a reasonable way off but I can clearly make out the identity of one of them. I draw a large breath. "You never told me..." I begin accusingly. "You never asked," he replies. He doesn't seem to realise the enormity of this turn of events. "But it feels like you withheld it." I'm getting agitated, and nervous. "I just didn't think it was my place." "I don't think this is a good idea," I panic. "Why?" he seems confused. "It's just...." What do I say? Too late now though, they have reached conversation range. "Hello Kimberley," the woman begins. "Hello Lucinda," I reply. I suppose Damon was right about the not asking. He'd asked how I knew Lucinda but I hadn't asked him. I had assumed it was just an attorney - client relationship. That she was a random lawyer he'd hired and formed a bond with. I didn't think they were already friends. And he told me what her husband did now; look after the kids; but not what he used to do. Or Damon's relationship with him. Damon hadn't volunteered this stuff though. And he could have. I felt he should have. So I'm a little miffed. Yet more conspiring against me it seems. But once again I guess I was overinflating my importance. And I don't want to be mad at Damon. Aside from Ally he's the only friend I have. "This is my husband Stephen," Lucinda introduces him formally. "Pleased to meet you," I reply equally as stiffly and feel compelled to offer my hand. He shakes it. A Big man hand that envelopes my much smaller one. "Well aren't you the topic of discussion. From both my wife and him," he says jollily, indicating Damon. I suppose I would have been. For the last two days. But it occurs to me he would have never heard of me before that. I was not on the wedding guest list after all. Damon didn't even know Lucinda was from Wullendonga. Did her husband? Well he would now from all the trips she's apparently been making back there. I felt that this was further evidence of how little regard Lucinda had for me. Never to have mentioned me. But maybe this was unfair. For if she was to reference me in memory, it would be as the boy I used to be. "So you're the girl who put Lucinda's childhood buddy in a coma," Stephen says as if on cue. Had Lucinda really said that? Was she propagating that story too? I had a good mind to say yep but not in front of Damon I wouldn't. "Poor Anthony seems to think I did. But surely your wife would have verified I'm not clever enough for that." He doesn't know how to respond. "Okay then." Damon can sense the awkwardness. And I'm thinking why can't I just have a normal introduction with other humans without some snide quip. But I'll let it go. For now. I'm a little worried though. I had sold myself as Lucinda's childhood best friend to Damon. Of course I didn't know that he could so easily disprove that. As far as Stephen was concerned Anthony was that. And one simple comment to Damon and he could have cause to doubt my claims and my trustworthiness. Of course our running rivalry beyond 2003 was true. Maybe that's as far back as he'll go. I might have to forewarn Lucinda I have created potential inconsistencies. But it doesn't matter, I remind myself. It will all be over soon. By tomorrow I hope. "I better go," he says. "These two will take you to your seat. Stephen will explain the game." "That would be good. But I did study up yesterday. So I think I've got the general idea." "You did?" Damon seems surprised and maybe a little pleased. "I told you I didn't want to embarrass myself. Or worse still, you. I'm a quick study. You don't get through Med school without being that. I must say though, the refereeing decisions are a bit arbitrary." "Umpiring," Stephen corrects. But Damon laughs. "I do believe you've understood one of the fundamentals of the game." I grin. "I'll see you after." "Here," I say. "For luck." I kiss him on the lips this time. Partly because I want to, but also partly for Lucinda's benefit. It's not prolonged but it is protracted enough to make it clear it's not a friendly peck. "That will definitely help," he announces. And he leaves. I'm not sure what interpretation I want Lucinda to have. Maybe it's to remind her of the danger advocating for me to stay in this body could lead to. I can and will have influence on your life. Maybe it's to remind her I am a feeling human. Maybe, and this is probably the most far fetched, to make her a little jealous. That someone who once loved her so, has moved on. Once seated the three of us make small talk. Stephen offers us beer but I decline and so does Lucinda. He seems to drink enough, however, for all of us. I enquire about their kids. Lucinda's parents, whom I once knew very well, have moved to Sydney too. They have them today. Stephen seems to enjoy the freedom. For the first quarter, Stephen mansplains away. Most of it I knew already, from my crash course. As a former athlete I do have an appreciation of Damon's efforts. He covers a lot of ground and gets the ball a lot. The crowd certainly seem to like him. The cheering gets louder every time he gets the ball again. At quarter time Stephen leans back and announces. "Wow. Damon's having a blinder. I haven't seen him play like that since.... since...." "Before Chad and Dani," Lucinda states. And looks at me like I'm clearly to blame. God. What does she see when she looks at me? Not the friend I used to be. Not even the love rival from her youth. I think she just sees the devil incarnate. How on Earth can Damon having a good game be attributed to me in any way? Perhaps it was one helluva lucky kiss then. "Stephen," Lucinda announces. "I'm pretty sure Kimberley has the idea now. Why don't you go off and find some of the boys. You'll have more fun with them. You don't want to be stuck with listening to our girl talk." He doesn't need to be asked twice. He issues a cursory goodbye and makes a hasty departure. "Well that was patronising," I say. "To everyone," I add. "I felt he was under sufferance. This is his guilty pleasure. It's hard for retired players you know. They miss it. They still live for it. This is his "me" time really. I was sort of crashing it. And so were you." "But you.... You were the one that suggested this to Damon?" I was fairly certain she was. "Yes." "I'd like to think it was to protect me from the mean WAGS. But it wasn't was it?" "No. Not exactly. It's not like they're a pack of bitches. But they would test you. And I feel like it's all a bit unnecessary." "Okay." The teams retake their positions to start the second quarter. Damon looks up into the crowd towards where we are. I know he's looking for me. I make it easy for him by waving. He waves back. He reminds me just a touch of a little boy looking for his mum in the crowd. It's cute. I like it. He grins and runs off to position. Lucinda watches me silently. "Do you remember the first time we came here Cinders?" I break the brief silence. "We sat over there." I indicate the approximate area. I watch her to see if she does in fact remember. When she doesn't react I continue. "We were 15. Wagging school and seeing world class athletes at the 2000 games. Dreaming it would one day be us. And the dream came true for you I guess. But not for me." She's silent still. "Of course I wasn't really here. Anthony was. So it's a memory I'm clearly not entitled to. Be sure to remind him next time you see him. Of what a good time he had. How being with his best friend, watching the Olympics was one of the best days of his life. Meanwhile I'll do my best to erase it from my memory. I'm sure on this day I was actually down behind the shelter sheds giving some rugby player a blow job." Finally she speaks. "Don't be silly Kim." But it's without conviction. "How am I being silly?" I push. "Because this is exactly how it feels Cinders. You're negating the fact that I was ever Anthony. That we were ever friends. And that's exactly how you make me feel. That I'm not entitled to any of the memories I have of him. Of you. Of us. And it hurts. And it sucks." "That's not what I'm trying to achieve." "You look at me with such contempt. Just like you did in 2006. And I'm used to contemptuous looks from people now Lucinda. I'm one of the most hated people in the country. But it cuts right through me when you do. You hate the fact that I exist. That we have this shared past. That I'm so fond of you and all you want to do is despise me. You know what this is, Lucinda? My life? It's Kafka's fucking 'Metamorphosis.' And it was a shit book. And you're Grete. Or maybe Clare is. It doesn't matter. You just want me to disappear, or die. Just like Gregor did. So don't lose hope. You're sure to get your wish. Maybe not with the dying. But certainly with the disappearing." I thought then of the destitute Brisbane single mum I was maybe destined to become if that was in fact my predetermined inescapable fate. That's disappearing in every sense of the word. "You're being ridiculous," Lucinda snaps. "Am I? Why are you really here Cinders?" it's rhetorical. "We both know why. To protect Damon from me." "Well of course I am. He's my friend and he's damaged and he's falling for you. But you're just using him. You have no intent in hanging around. You don't even care about him. You just want to steal Anthony's body and piss off back to Melbourne." "Steal his body? It's my body. I'm not stealing it. I'm reclaiming it." "Say it how you want. What you're doing is wrong. I still stand by what I said about how you're exactly what I expect Kimberley Jacobs to be like. You don't care what you do to Anthony. And you don't care what you do to Damon. You only care about yourself." "You don't know anything about me. You've wanted nothing to do with me. I've spent my life caring about people. You're the one who screws one half of a broken hearted couple out of all you can. And you get all high and mighty? You're a hypocrite in so many ways." It was the second time I'd called her that. "I have no interest in a screaming match with you. Just leave Damon alone." "No." I'm belligerent. "Leave. Or I'll tell him you used to be a man." "You wouldn't!" Was that a statement or a question? I wasn't sure. "He wouldn't believe you anyway." "He would. He already wants to know why I thought you were cheating in 2006. I didn't tell him. But I could easily say that it's because you are transgendered and you used to be a man. All without having to mention spells or curses." "You'd seriously do that to me?" "If you keep stringing him along. If all you're intending on doing is breaking his heart." "I don't want to hurt him. In case you haven't noticed I'm light on for friends and he's nice to me. Unlike you. So of course I like being with him." "And yet all the while you're planning on getting Beth to change you back. Probably killing Anthony in the process. And meanwhile just ghosting Damon then I guess. That's a shit thing to do. A callous thing to do. To both Anthony and Damon." I don't respond straight away. In a sense she's right really. With regard to Damon at least. I liked the attention. I liked being liked. But it was just supposed to be fun whilst I was waiting for Beth. I didn't expect him to become invested. If I am to prove I'm not what Lucinda thinks me to be, I do have to stop things going any further with Damon Wall. And I have to stop it right away. "Fine!" I concede. "But can I at least say goodbye?" I say sadly. "Because If I walk away now. Which I feel like is what you want me to do. Then I am just ghosting him." "I guess." She momentarily relents from her attack. "But what are you going to say?" "I don't know. I have to go look after a sick relative in Hobart or something. Somewhere they don't have a football team. And when I'm Anthony I'll just disconnect my mobile. Kim's mobile I mean. And get a new one." "I suppose that would work. But I hope with all my heart you don't get to become Anthony." "I don't know what I have to do to convince you I'm not evil. I don't know why I'm even trying." Of course I did know. Her opinion clearly still mattered to me. A lot. "Because a good person wouldn't do, or wouldn't be planning on doing what you are trying to." She can't hide her loathing. "You so have no idea Lucinda. What this is like. I know I keep saying that, and I probably will till I feel like you have an inkling of understanding. And if I'm so evil why did you even send me on a date with him in the first place?" "Because I didn't know what you were up to then. What your agenda was. And I felt sorry for you. And he's a nice guy." "So you're saying if I stay Kimberley you'd let me have him?" "No. Because I know now what you truly are. You are malevolent! A wicked spiteful human being! And I don't know what your intent would be." "What my intent would be?" I'm hurt, but defiant. "Well that's fair enough. This is the first human being I've let touch me since you. And if it wasn't for your darling boyfriend raping me I'd still be virgin. I'm screwed up. But I'm hardly evil. I thought maybe being me again would unscrew me. As for Damon; I'm lonely and he's nice to me. I don't want to hurt him Lucinda. I just like being with him and I hadn't really thought of the consequences. I thought maybe I'd bang him in my hotel room on Wednesday, and then we'd just forget each other. But I couldn't. Partly coz I can't risk getting pregnant, but mainly because I was feeling, and I didn't know what that meant. And now it's complicated. But you're right. I need to end this. Before we do both get hurt." I gauge her for reaction, but when she remains unflinching I continue. "As for coma Anthony, Lucinda. I'm certain it's a trick. I know he'll want to swap back as much as I do. He's deceiving you all." "I know you seem to believe that Kimberley," she finally responds, emphasising the apparent erroneousness of my thoughts. "But I've seen him, I've interacted with him. I believe what I'm telling you. If you have any sort of conscience you need to do that; go there I mean. It's the right thing to do. You need to see him face to face. And him you. If he sees you and remembers, or reveals it's all a trick when you're alone then I guess I'd support the transformation. We all would. But when he just sees a stranger; or worse still, the girl he thinks poisoned him; will you at least consider what I'm saying? Because if you just go to Beth and do swap back without him wanting that, or knowing that. If you are willing to risk his life, or put him through the exact same hell you went through; then you are beyond redemption." "I don't want to go back to Wullendonga Lucinda. Not like this. Not as Kimberley. And not as a failure." I mean it as I say it. The idea is abhorrent. Not to mention logistically ridiculous. "And how could I explain being there to anyone who sees me? My dad doesn't live there now. And if I go near Anthony everyone will think I'm out to get him." "I'd go with you if I could." Said but not in the least bit meant. "But I've got so much work on. Maybe Caitlin will. Then you'll have cover. And company." This leads to my next question. "Do you know where they are? Cait and Beth. Are they there now? In the Dong I mean." "I'm not sure. I left a message for them Wednesday night. I haven't heard back." I'm processing that when it dawns on me why she actually called them. "So you made good on your threat? To tell Beth not to change me back." Our conversation remains heated but civil, at least for now. "Yes. At least not till you've seen him. And preferably not at all." She's unrepentant. Blunt. "It's just delaying the inevitable Lucinda." My reply is gilded with a harsh sharpness. "Beth owes me. And she knows it. She made this mess. Now's the time to fix it. And I'm going to make her." Lucinda is silent. I'm glad. I'm sick of arguing with her. I allow the silence to continue for a while as the game approaches half time. I can focus on Damon for a change. I'm not looking forward to lying to him. The quarter ends and The Giants are ahead at half time, which makes the crowd happy. I know I have to make an effort. Lucinda doesn't seem willing to. But I can't leave our relationship like this without trying. "So do you remember that day Lucinda?" I can't totally hide the undertones of the sadness I feel. "Remember how much we screamed for Kelly Holmes in that final straight, Cinders. We thought she would make it. But she got passed by the African, and the Austrian. And then four years later you got to race her. In Athens. When she won." After the