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The Geek Janet L. Stickney [email protected] I was a geeky, smart, and skinny nerd, a loner by any definition. I didn't fit in with the kids that defined the "in" crowd, and was just smart enough that most of the others left me alone. My one and only outlet for my needs were the few moments that I was able to get all dressed up as a girl. I knew how most people would react if they found out, since I had first hand knowledge. My mom caught me dressed, told my dad, who then beat me almost senseless. My mother virtually quit talking to me while my dad always had special words he called me. It was a really fun time. Left out at school, shut out at home, no friends to speak of, and not outgoing, I found myself slowly losing my mind. The tenuous attention I did get at home, usually from my mother, only made my dismal existence barely tolerable. My sanity hung by a thread, and it was unraveling. When I turned 18 my dad didn't hesitate to throw me out of the house, telling me that I was on my own, then he threw an old dress at me. I packed everything I owned into my rattletrap of a car and drove away. I was aimless, no place to live, no job, no family, no friends that I could call on. With only a few hundred dollars in my pocket, I drove about four hours, stopping in a city. I slept in my car for a few days before settling into a fleabag of a room with a shared bath. Eventually I found a job in a florists shop doing deliveries. The owner, an older woman named Janet, pretty much left me alone, as long as I did my job. I managed to pay my rent, and eventually saved enough to moved to a small apartment, buying used furniture. Just about the only thing my parents let me take when I left was the computer. It was supposed to be for everyone to use, but they never did, and when dad wasn't around, mom told me to take it. Janet was paying me enough, and she and I got along really well, so I was able to manage. I had been there a year, just after I turned 19, when she gave me a modest raise, which allowed me, for the first time, to buy some things to satisfy my inner needs. With that first raise I bought a skirt and blouse, cheap flats and some makeup. Those few things allowed me to quench my growing thirst to dress as a girl, but my life went on as always. I never heard from my parents, even though I sent them a post card telling them where I was, so without a lot of thought about it, I decided that our parting was final, and did my best to begin a new life. Janet knew that I wasn't dating, and asked me about it a few times, but frankly, dating wasn't on my mind, so she quickly dropped it. Some time later I was allowed to start arranging the flowers, achieving another small raise, and she hired someone else to do the deliveries. A recent widow when I hired in, Janet had started to date, and that took her away from the shop more and more, so once again, I was given more responsibility, promoted, with another raise. By that time I was comfortable both financially and emotionally. I had expanded my wardrobe quite a bit, and had even gotten dressed and been out for a late night drive a couple of times. Always scared when I was still living at home with my parents, I finally found some peace within myself, and I was soon getting dressed every day when I got home from work. I had adopted the name Kim, but later changed it to a less common name. I changed it to Delores. After several months of that, I drew up the courage to go out during the day, and picked a Sunday morning, hoping that most people would be in church. From my past experiences, I was totally afraid, scared that someone like my father would see through my makeup and once again I would suffer a beating; it didn't happen, so I gained a bit more confidence in my ability to look like a girl, and went out every Sunday after that until the weather got cold again. I was nearing my birthday when I would turn 20, and started making plans for my most daring outing. I was going to have my hair done in a beauty shop. I called a salon across town, and told them right out that I was a male that wanted to have a female cut, expecting some laughter from the woman I talked to, but all she did was schedule a time! "Hair is hair," she told me! On the night before my appointment I spent hours getting ready, making sure that I had shaved every bit of unwanted hair, took a bubblebath, and put out the clothes I planned on wearing. Since there was a beauty shop across the street from our flower shop, I knew that most women wore jeans or slacks, so I had bought a pair of women's jeans so that I would fit in. The following morning I was up early to get ready. I had enough padding on my hips that I filled out the jeans like I should, and in front, just below the belt, I added some padding to make the jeans taper downward from my waist. I used the absolute minimum of makeup that I could get away with, just foundation and powder, eyeliner and lipstick, and when I was ready, I glanced at the clock, picked up my purse, and walked out to my car. When I opened the door to my apartment, for the first time ever, I had to walk right past my neighbor, a girl named Samantha. She was about my age, not what you would call pretty, but she was always friendly, and I liked her. I did not look back as I passed her in the hallway, so I have no idea if she recognized me, but there are only four apartments on that wing, and two of them were retired couples. I was sure that she had discovered what I was doing, but I couldn't, no, make that wouldn't, run back inside. She saw me, I was on my way, and running back inside wouldn't solve anything, so I didn't, but I knew that sooner or later I would have to face her, and maybe explain myself. I hoped she would mind her own business. I quickly got in the car and drove to the salon, and for the first time, met Ruth, the woman I had talked to on the phone. I told her my name, then she led me to the back of the shop. My first thought was that she was hiding me, but that's where she washed my hair. With a towel wrapped around my head, she took me to her chair. I had no idea what style would look good on me, I had always worn my hair in a ponytail, and simply told her that. A lot of hair hit the floor that day, causing me to wonder if I had made a mistake, but Ruth told me not to worry, and within about half an hour, she had style my hair into a softly modified pageboy, with the ends curly, bangs on my forehead, and to tell the truth, I thought that she had worked a miracle! When Ruth suggested that I make another appointment, I didn't hesitate. I felt more feminine than I ever had, and with each glance in the mirror I knew that there was a small chance that I might be able to actually go out to dinner or something without feeling like I had a target painted on my chest. I wanted to savor every moment with my new hairstyle, so I drove around for a bit, then I went home to try on my newest buy, a navy sheath dress with shoes to match. I was in heaven, knowing that I had conquered on more hurdle. I only had one more. I had to get into my apartment. I walked in the front of the apartment building, climbed the stairs, then turned to walk to my apartment, only to see my neighbor Samantha standing there. "Hi," she said. "I saw you go out earlier. Being the only girl my age in this entire complex, I just had to talk to you. New hair? Looks great on you! Want to come in?" I suppose I could have said no, but I felt like a fly stuck to some sticky paper, and nodded my assent. She opened the door and I went in. After she shut the door and we were eye to eye so to speak... "I don't suppose you know how different you look? I almost didn't recognize you this morning! Come on, let me have your coat. I'll make some coffee." "You're not...mad? What I mean is...I'm not a..." "No, you're not, but who would know? You're kind of cute in a way!" Samantha was easy going, and didn't seem to be surprised to see me dressed like a girl, which threw me off stride so to speak. I wasn't used to that kind of response. I watched as she prepared the coffee, then she joined me, sitting on the sofa across the room. "How often do you...go out?" "Not often, once in a while I suppose, why?" "Look at me. I'm not exactly the kind of girl that has men beating down the door to get in. I'm overweight, and that turns lots of guys off. But you, you've got a great figure, and with your hair like that, well..." "I'm not Gay Samantha." "Yeah, well, Gay or not, if you keep going out looking like this, some guy is going to hit on you, that much I'll bet on, and probably collect!" Samantha went on to tell me that both of her sisters were models at one time, but both were now married and had kids. Her parents she said, doted on all of the kids, including her brother. Samantha made me feel very relaxed around her. She had that way about her. Calm, unruffled, serene I guess. Something about her gave me a feeling of security that I had never felt before, and I gradually told her my sad tale of woe. I had never told anyone before, and it was like lifting a weight from my shoulders. We talked for hours, becoming close friends in that time. She laughed when I told her about the time I locked myself in the bathroom while trying to wash off an ugly red lipstick, all while my mother was pounding on the door, and how I just managed to get back to my room, my lips a bright rosy red from the scrubbing I gave them. She told me about the time her sisters had decked her out for the prom, doing her hair and makeup, and how she felt about being what she called "Princess beautiful," that one time. Sitting there like that should have made me feel sweaty and nervous, but she put me at ease right away, and I never felt threatened in any way. "My brother is doing his show tonight, maybe you and I could go?" "I'd have to change, but sure. I'd like that!" "Do you have a nice dress? We can get all fixed up for a change!" "You want me to go like this?" "You bet! Maybe with you around I'll get a sympathy date!" "I've never...what I mean is..." "Then it's time you started!" Leaning towards me, "You spent all that money to get your hair done didn't you? It would be a shame if you wasted it, so be ready by 6. We'll go have dinner then see his show, okay?" "I'm not sure that I can! I'm not, what I'm trying to say is, what if I make a mistake?" "You worry to much! I'll be knocking on your door at 6, and I expect you to be all dressed up and ready to go, okay?" I nodded my head yes. "What color is the dress you're going to wear?" "Blue. Navy blue," I told her. I did not say no to her demand that I go with her, as a girl, and went into my own apartment. I had plenty of time, so I made some lunch, then set out my very best outfit. The navy dress of course, my waist nipper, new pantyhose, and my best jewelry, the pearl earrings and necklace set. Then I got out my nail kit. From the few occasions I had done my own nails, I knew that even if I glued them on, I could get them off, so I sat at my small kitchen table and began to attach a fake nail to each of my own. I trimmed them down of course, then used my only polish, the brownish red. I waited almost an hour for the polish to dry before I went into my bedroom and began to undress. Since I did not need to shower, all I did was shave again, scraping away those few pitiful hairs that I called a beard, then began my makeup. I used more than I usually did, making things more dramatic, but not to much. If her brother worked in a nightclub, I figured it would be dark enough that I wouldn't terrorize anyone when they saw me, and showed myself a brave face before I reached for the waist nipper. When I was ready, and as I looked in the mirror, I saw that I had a modestly feminine figure, my hair still looked great, and my makeup the very best I could do. Adding the jewelry, I finished up with lipstick and some cheap perfume I had bought, then sat waiting for Samantha to knock on the door, almost talking myself out of going, but just when I was convinced that I couldn't do it, I heard the knock. Samantha looked fantastic! She wore a black sheath dress with a sequined jacket over that, her hair was done in a twist, and her makeup looked flawless to me! I had never seen her this way before, and I felt ungainly next to her! "Ready?" "Damn Samantha! You look great!" "Thank you! Here, this is for you." She handed me a blue tinted sequined jacket. "I just thought that if I was going to be all dressy, you might as well too, and I figured you wouldn't have one, so..." "Thanks," I said as I put it on. She drove us across town to a small restaurant where we spent some time over dinner. That's when I finally told her my name was Delores. During dinner both Samantha and I saw several guys watching us, but we ignored them, then later went to the club to see her brother. As we walked in, I saw her smile widely and wave. When she grabbed my arm, I had no choice but to follow her. I was to scared to do anything else. "What are you doing here? Samantha asked excitedly. Turning to me... "This is Delores. She lives across the hall from me. Del, these are my parents!" They asked us to join them, but Samantha had made a reservation, so we went to our own table, and quickly had drinks in front of us. When Samantha asked, the waiter pointed at two guys sitting across the room! "See! What did I tell you!" "Yeah but..." "But nothing honey, accepting a drink does not mean sleeping with them, so relax and enjoy the show." The house lights dimmed and the spot turned to the stage, highlighting one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen! She sang torch songs in a smoky voice that was both sexy and exciting. From ballads to pop songs, she was on stage for a little over an hour. If she was the first act, I could hardly wait for the second, and asked Samantha when her brother was going to be on, just as I saw the lady on stage walking towards our table. "Sam! You look fantastic!" "You sounded great Barry, better than ever!" Barry? Her name was Barry? Call me dense I guess. "Barry, this is Delores. She and I are neighbors." The manager came over, and told us he had arranged one large table so that her parents and the rest of us could sit together, so we all trooped across the club to the table. It turns out that Barry, stage name "Angel," had another show to do, a "second set," she said, and left us to go change. Samantha's parents were charming people that showed no distress seeing their son looking so pretty, or having me sit at their table, even though I'm positive they knew that I wasn't what I appeared to be. Angel did her second set, then changed into street clothes and joined us at the table. She wore jeans and a light sweater, and for the life of me, I could have swore she was a woman! She made me feel inadequate, but I was enjoying myself immensely, and in a burst of enthusiasm, I told everyone that. Later when Samantha and I were standing at our apartment doors, she invited me into her place, and I accepted, to excited to sleep anyway. The minute the door closed... "Give me a hand, will you? Unzip me?" I did that, then she simply shrugged her shoulders, and her dress fell to the floor, leaving her standing there with a grin on her face. Walking up to me, she released the jacket, removed it, then unzipped my dress! As I watched, she reached behind herself, unfastened her bra, and let it fall to the floor. "I'm not going to die a virgin Delores, are you?" That was all it took. No discussion, no leading into it, nothing! I didn't ask why, then in a flurry of discarded clothes, we undressed each other and went into her bedroom. I had no idea that it would be like that, and I don't think Samantha did either. We were busy most of the night, and in the morning I woke wrapped around her. I quietly untangled myself, then grabbed my stuff, and quickly went into my own apartment. Dropping everything on the bed, I jumped in the shower, then put on my jeans and a tee before I made some coffee and set out some rolls. Then I went to get Samantha out of the sack. Once she was upright, I told her to come to my place. Grins rather than talk said it all, and for the first time I knew that while I liked to dress up as a woman, I positively sure that I liked girls, Samantha in particular. As we stared at each other across the table, I thought that I had finally found someone for me, and to prove it, a bit later we went in my bedroom to confirm it. Samantha was lively and eager, but as we lay, there she told me that she thought she had been a virgin long enough, and that she had decided long ago that I was the one to relieve her of that burden. I was crushed. I had thought, hoped, that maybe it was more. We lay there naked under the sheets, then she started talking about her family. I found out that when Barry was in high school he discovered that he could sing, but later, after some practice, he discovered that if he raised his voice only a little, he sounded like a female singer. He took a lot of kidding about it, but according to Samantha, that came to an end when their mother encouraged him to enter a contest as a girl, then sing in that voice. With his sisters and mother helping him, he did just that and won some money, and that eventually led to his performing as a woman. Over time she told me that he began to hate the constant changing from boy to girl and back again, and simply gave up, preferring to dress and live as a woman all of the time rather than go through all the hassle. That turned out to be the best thing he ever did, because his records were starting to sell well, and when they did start to do better, he would have to be a woman all of the time anyway. That's why their parents were so understanding. They knew the real reason. If only I had parents like that. Samantha and I separated later that day, and I went to work on Monday feeling like a completely new person, which I was. I had found out many things about myself, all of them good. Janet wasn't there, so I opened the shop and went about my duties like always. She showed up around ten, went into her office, and shut the door, something she almost never did. Business was brisk all morning, with our driver making almost twenty deliveries. Just after lunch Janet asked me into her office. "Is there something that I should know Danny? Something special?" "Not really, what do you mean special?" "I was at a nightclub this weekend with my son, and I'm sure that I saw you there. It was a show by that new singer Angel. Were you there? Was that you I saw Angel talking to? I'm positive that was you!" Caught again! I thought that I was over that! With Janet staring at me with those shiny brown eyes of hers, and knowing my job was probably out the window..."Yeah, I was there. I was with Angels sister Samantha and their parents, as their guest, why?" "My son Mike was very taken with you, and wants to meet you. He thinks you're cute." "Your son is blind as a bat Janet. Me? Cute? Hardly!" "I also thought that you were cute Danny, and both of us can't be wrong, can we?" When I didn't say anything..."What can I tell him?" "What if I say no? Will I lose my job? You're not shocked? You're not going to fire me?" "Of course not! This is personal! I'm only asking for my son. I don't care what you do outside of work. But you did look very nice, I'll say that much." "Then I'll think about it and let you know later." That night I told Samantha, and to my great surprise, urged me to meet him! She told me that unless I could come face to face with my boss or some guy that liked me, I could never feel complete, whatever that meant, then she went on to suggest that I meet him at work, since I would not be able to leave, and he would be less inclined to try something if he figured it out. Meekly, and with a whole lot of concern in my heart, I accepted her advice. Then wondered what Janet would say when I told her my terms for meeting her son. As it turned out, Janet told me she didn't mind at all, telling me it was the prudent thing any girl would do, so we made plans for me to appear at work on Friday morning as Delores. Janet always wore a skirt and top or blouse with a shoulder sweater, so I stopped and bought a similar skirt on the way home, then called Ruth to get an early hair appointment. I would see her before I went to work, that way I would look my best. On Friday morning I arrived at the salon just as Ruth did, and an hour later I left once again looking spectacular. Ruth had done my makeup for me, and since I had already put my nails on, I was looking as good as I get. I only wondered what Janet was going to say when she saw me in the daylight. I pushed open the door to the shop, flicked on the lights, and started to set things up, when in walked some guy that I had never seen before. "I would like to inquire about a contract to supply flowers for my place." "The owner will be here soon, if you would like to wait?" "I really don't have the time. Perhaps you could help me?" Since I had done it before, I got out the contract sheets and began writing down what he wanted; what he wanted was 200 dozen flowers, three times a week, for three years! I had no idea how to price it, so I used the current corporate pricing sheet, adding 15% every year, just for inflation. He quickly looked it over, asked a few questions, then signed it! He walked out just as Janet walked in. I was so stunned that about all I could do was hold up the contract sheets. One look was all it took for her to break into a wide smile. "Do you realize what you have done?" "Besides make a fool out of myself? No, what?" Dismissing that with a wave of her hand, "No dear, you look lovely. You have just insured major profits for the shop for at least the next three years! If his hotel likes our flowers, he'll tell others, and who knows? Maybe we'll be able to go big time!" Janet didn't say much about the way I looked, only that I was just as "lovely," as she thought I was the night she saw me at the club. Her son Mike showed up at lunch time, and while he was polite, taking Janet and I to lunch, I told myself that I really wasn't interested in guys. But there did seem to be some chemistry between us, which I ignored. He was nice, I was nice, we had a nice lunch, I let it go at that. Later that afternoon Janet took a call from the guy that had signed the contract. She told me that he would like me to visit his hotel and select the best kinds of flowers for various locations! As I looked at her, Janet merely told me that she didn't think I had any choice. I would have to go as Delores, since that was who the guy had signed the contract with, and she didn't want to upset or confuse anyone if I showed up as Danny. With a sigh, I said I would do it. When I told Samantha, she broke out laughing! Then she told me it served me right for being so cute. That was just before she helped me undress. The next day Samantha helped me do my hair, and I wore a red skirt and jacket with a white blouse and my black heels. When she said I was ready, I left for the hotel. He and I were almost done touring the hotel, having returned to the lobby, when I saw my parents walk in! Dad looked right at me without recognizing me, then they checked in. I managed to get out of the lobby and into the office before I had to confront them. That would have been a disaster! By the time I got back to the shop I was mentally a wreck, since I could not figure out why my parents were there, but before I quit for the day, Janet called me into her office and asked me if I would rather work as Delores every day! "You know perfectly well that most of our customers are women, and how many of them ask to speak to me? And, the men that do come in, they always want to talk to a woman about flowers. I think it's because they are more comfortable talking to a woman. Besides, we already know that you can do it, and as assistant manager, you'll be required to be here when I'm not, and as a woman, I think that will put everyone at ease. What do you think?" "Assistant manager?" "With a very nice, very healthy raise, yes." "As a woman." "Yes." That's how it began. From that day onward I agreed to work as a woman. That night when I got home, Samantha was gone, so, not bothering to change, I started dinner. Listening to the news while I worked, I almost missed it when the doorbell rang. Looking through the peephole I saw my mother standing there! Still wearing the red skirt and jacket, there would be no way to deny what was going on, but I owed her nothing, and some shock might be in order, so I fluffed my hair and opened the door. "Oh! Is Danny here....Danny?" "Come in mom." She came in just as my oven timer went off, so I ran in the kitchen and took the meat out of the oven, then turned to face my mother. Her eyes went from my head to my toes and back before she said anything. "We came to see you, but..." "Why? Why bother? You threw me out, remember? I should not have let you in." "It looks like you have done alright for yourself." "Yeah, no thanks to you." "Honey, I'm your mother! You can't talk to me like that!" "Want to bet? I'm 21 now. I can do anything I want to! I don't owe you one damned thing, and I don't need, or want your advice. If you only came here to rag on me you can get out! I have a good job and many close friends mother, I don't need you or dad messing with my life, and I'm not going to let you!" "Your father is sitting outside. He wants to see you." "Tell him to go to hell mother." "You hate us that much?" "I hate having a bigoted asshole beat me until I can't stand up, and you know what? He isn't going to get another chance. He can sit out there for all I care!" "I better go then. I'll tell him you don't want to see him." Just then Samantha walked in. She and mom locked eyes, but nobody said anything as my mother walked out. The minute the door shut I burst into tears. I went on and on about the treatment I had gotten at home, from the first moment I had been caught dressed up. Samantha listened, then later over dinner, she pondered something out loud. Something so outrageous that it stopped me dead in my tracks. All the pain, all of the mental torment I had suffered at the hands of my parents could be paid back tenfold. I was angry at them, and did not have any need to see them again if ever, but just tweaking them a bit might be okay, so I listened to what Samantha was telling me. When I did finally agree, she made three calls. One to Angel, one to Ruth at the salon, and one to the hotel where my parents were staying. Then she began to lay out the plan in greater detail. The entire thing depended on shock value, since that was about all I had. Mom had seen me, but my dad had not, and he was the real focus of my anger. All those nasty words he called me, all the taunts, the occasional beatings, which he truly thought would expunge my desire to dress as a girl, all that, plus my growing success despite them, caused me to think that for this one time, I would have the upper hand. In two days I would be ready. In two days, my life would get better, because I was about to excise the greatest threat to my own well being. Depending, or maybe regardless, of how my father reacted, I will have closed the door to a past that I would just as soon forget. Ruth did my hair in a French twist, using a string of rhinestones for accent, then at home, Angel began her magic. Only she and I were in the room as I stood there naked and I let her work on me. Her case was heavy, and out of it she took many things, the first being a pair of very lifelike breast forms which she attached to my chest with some glue. Using special makeup, she feathered the makeup on the seams, making it appear as if I had grown boobs of my own, then I helped her as she attached what looked like a normal panty, except that it made me look like a girl, complete with a rounder butt and wider hips, and better, girl parts! Using that same makeup, the seams disappeared, and all at once I looked like a girl! Well, almost anyway. Angel began by having me wash off the makeup I had on, then she trimmed my eyebrows, making them thinner with just a touch higher arch. When she was done, I looked into the tiny mirror and could only gape. I had never managed to look that good! In order to facilitate what Angel called the "perfect look" I was wrapped in a white corselet, then Angel tightened the laces to the point that I was gasping before she let up on the laces a little. White satin thong panties, then white hose which we attached to the garters before I took the dress off the hanger. It was one of Angels, a shimmering white sheath dress that was almost, but not quite see through, with a low back and plunging front which amplified my cleavage while the sheath dress hugged my new curves magnificently. White sequined shoes, a rhinestone choker necklace and bright red lipstick completed my outfit. Samantha stuck her head in the room and asked, "Is she ready?" "In a few minutes Sam. Delores and I have to talk for a minute." Angel sat on the bed and looked at me. "Del, I have to tell you that I don't agree with what you're doing. They hurt you. Fine. In your eyes they abandoned you, but is this really the way? Do you dislike your parents so much that you are willing to kill any chance you'll ever have of getting together again?" "You had parents and family that helped you Angel. All I got was a fistful of ugly names. They fed me, housed me, and all that, but not one iota beyond that! For the first time in my life I feel like I have a family of sorts. You, Sam, Janet, you are my family! At least you care about me, which is more than I can say about my parents. You have no idea what it's like to be alone in a crowd Angel. I do, and I didn't like it. I have to do this, I have to!" "Sam tells me that you're working as a woman now. Why not let me give you those things you have on? Call it my coming out gift if you like." I almost cried, but Angel wasn't having any of that, so I dragged my emotions back inside just as she called Sam and told her I was ready. "I'll go get him Delores, but I have to tell you, you are gorgeous! Absolutely beautiful! I'm sure that Mike will see it like that too!" "I couldn't do it without you Angel, thanks." Angel opened the door, and in walked my "date". It was Janet's son Mike. His eyes popped open first, then he smiled. I grabbed my bag and let him take me by the arm as we walked out to the car. As we walked into the restaurant, I put a sway to my hips, knowing full well that every male eye, and maybe even some of the female ones were watching me. In that dress, I made an impression on everyone. Mike held my arm tightly as we made our way to the table that had been reserved. As we approached the table, I saw my father staring at me, watching as his eyes narrowed a bit. Mike made the introductions, and we sat down, my father across the table from me. I made sure he had an eyeful, hoping he would choke on it. "You look..." "She looks gorgeous, and you know it, so be quiet." Mom put her hand on my arm, but I moved away, a bit closer to Mike. "We came here to see if there was any chance that we could become a family again. We know that we made mistakes, but..." "A family?" I said with shock, "We never had a family! We had him, and everyone else. How many clubs did you belong to? How many times were you able to get together with your friends? None? Not many? How many times did you just stand by and do nothing while he was busy degrading me with those special names he had for me? Or when he beat me for no reason? Now you want to be a family again? Just how long do you think that fiction would last?" Pausing, I looked at my father. "I am a woman now, and nothing can change that, not even him, and I have serious doubt that you mean what you say! You were supposed to be the one to protect me, but you didn't, did you? What on earth makes you think that I would willingly want to return to all that?" "Your father has been diagnosed with terminal cancer." "Gee dad, that to bad." "Don't you want to know how long I have?" "Nope". "You hate me that much?" "Words cannot express it. Not once did you ever try to listen to me, so...no. I don't need to know." "You're very pretty, and obviously, you wore that dress to show off. I could see right through it when you walked in!" "Right, and since I know that you have a fondness for breasts, I decided to show you mine!" "Now you're being nasty Danny!" "It's not Danny any more mom, it's Delores now." I drank an entire glass of wine and asked Mike to get me another, my eyes firmly locked on my fathers. He had that worn out look old men get when they are about to die, but any love I had for him died long ago. Maybe, after he was gone, mom and I might be able to have a relationship, but not as long as he was around. I had get away from him, even if for a moment, so I told them I had to use the ladies. I stood up and excused myself, which is when mom also stood up. "I'll join you." Safely in the restroom, she and faced each other. "He doesn't want to die knowing that you hate him honey." "I don't hate him so much as I just don't care mother. Maybe, after he is gone, you and I might...but not as long as he is around, I can't handle that." "Are you and Mike...?" "Mike is my bodyguard mother. He's here to make sure that the old man stays on his side of the table." "I see." "I don't think you do mother. You let that old man bully you into doing what he wanted, and you didn't bother to even ask me what was going on, or why! Being a skinny geek in school was bad enough, but you, you just stood there every time he tried to beat what I was feeling out of me, after getting caught just once, and you told him all about it, with all of the glorious detail didn't you?! Three and a half years I had to put up with that, then, the day after I graduated you stood by as he threw me out. Do you have any idea what it's like to live in your car? Or maybe a flea trap of a room with a shared bath? I was very lucky to get the job I have, and I have managed to create a life for myself. Now, three years after you threw me out you want back in?" I drew myself up full, and looked right in her eye. "As long as the old man is around, no chance. Maybe, after he's gone, we can start over, but that's only a maybe, and only if you accept me the way I am." "You're very angry Dan...Delores. I was hoping that...but that doesn't matter now. You have made it clear enough, but you have to try and understand why..." "No mother, I don't have to try and understand. It's really quite simple. Either you love me or you don't. You either accept me the way I am, or we don't have anything else to talk about, do we?" "No, I guess not." It took every bit of my nerve to say those things to both of them, but three years of torment followed by three long years of struggle had hardened my anger towards my father to the point that there was no crack, no spot that he could wiggle his way back. My teen years had been filled with nothing but loneliness. I was just a pimple faced skinny kid that happened to be smart, never dating, no close friends, I wasn't allowed to join any clubs, so about all I did was take up space. On top of that, my desire to dress as a girl, long a frustrating series of fits and starts before I finally succumbed to it, led to nothing but years of dismal existence in a house ruled by a despot who's only response was to ignore me, unless he was calling me names of course. I had no choice, no safe place to go, no protection at all. Only my aches and pains, both mental and physical were alive and well. They became my friends, the ones that nurtured my anger and growing frustration, so when I was thrown out, it was a blessing in a way, because for the first time I would be able to make the rules. Over time, my well nurtured anger and frustration settled into nothing more than a desire to start anew, and I did. I became Delores. After Angel got through with me I did look almost pretty, but the real me, the every day me, was a plain girl. I was a girl that lived inside of myself until a sequence of events ended up with me standing there in a ladies restroom, just having told my mother what the real truth was, not her version or dad's, mine. For me, the only version that mattered. Samantha introduced me to sexual gratification, a mutually satisfying loss of our virginal status as we both tried to shuck off the weight of past indignities. Samantha's sisters were models, even her own brother was a stunning woman, and that left her feeling like the ugly duckling, although I knew that when she wanted to, she could look magnificent. I lost the fear of exposing myself as a man that liked to dress as a woman. We both needed the other to survive the inner turmoil as we both emerged from our shells to become what we were meant to be. Samantha is beautiful in so many ways, but she cannot see them for the fog of both her sisters, and sadly, her brothers beauty. Caring, outgoing, smart, gentle, and in some ways, glamorous. Like a chameleon, I saw her become very pretty, which, with all of her other attributes, made her beautiful in my mind. She is the one that helped me find my inner peace, that plain of calmness that allowed me to become Delores, without fear of derision or disgust at what I wanted. Samantha and I needed each other, and fate threw us together so we could each find our way out of our dilemma's. Hers, an envy of her family, mine the desire to become a woman. I touched up my lipstick, opened the door, and walked back to the table. My parents were gone, only Mike was there, waiting for me. "They left as soon as your mother got back to the table." "Take me home Mike, please?" Mike walked me to my door, his arm around my waist. He kissed me on the cheek, waiting until I went inside. Samantha was there, waiting to hear how things went. As she unzipped my dress and helped me get it off... "Do you realize how you look? How sexy you are?" "Sam, please. I'm just a guy who..." Grabbing me by the arm, I stood in front of the full mirror. "See that! Can you see what I see? Do you have any idea what I would do to have a figure like that?" Spinning me around... "Del, listen to me, and you listen good! I love you dearly, you know that! We shared something very special, something I never really expected to happen! But on the inside, where it counts the most, you really are a woman, and I think we both know that. Regardless of what's under all this stuff, you have always been the woman I see standing here right now, and I don't want to hear any more about it! And now that you're working as a woman, just how long can we go on like this? How long will it be before some hunk like Mike takes you away from me?" "Sam, it's not like that! It's..." "Del, this is the real world, not that fantasy you have in your head! I can live with you playing dress up once in a while, maybe even more than that, but you're working as a woman now, and that changes everything! What would happen if I got pregnant? Would daddy look like mommy?" Del, honey, you will always be my dearest friend, that's never going to change, but now, we'll have to be girlfriends, not lovers. I can't change the way I am, and you can't change the way you are, so lets just part as friends, okay?." There was nothing for me to say. As Samantha slipped her arms around my narrow waist and hugged me, I could feel her hair on my back, that sensual feeling of the intimacy that friends have between them, overwhelming me. Samantha had taken me from the darkness of anger into the light of friendship, and now she was letting me go, so I could find a stronger truth, if it existed. She untied the laces, patted me on the bottom, then went to her own apartment, leaving me to stare at what I had become. As I slowly undressed I realized that I had denied my family and lost my most treasured and intimate friend, all in one night. By the time I was down to the bare padded panties I had started to cry, a soft sob that pushed those long held memories of the denial I had suffered from at home to the forefront. I had pushed back those memories, then, seeing my parents, they had returned. Was being a woman worth it? Was losing everything worth the cost in all of the emotional heart rending hurt I was feeling? 21 years of dreaming of being a woman had come true, yet I was heart broken. When the doorbell rang, I didn't care who saw what, I opened the door, only to see my mother standing there. "Put a robe on honey. We need to talk." I went in the bedroom and slipped on the matching peignoir that Angel had left, "just in case," she had told me. Mom was sitting at the table. "I was wrong for what I did, or didn't do, but we had a son, not a daughter, and we liked it that way. As our only child, we knew that someday you would be a father, and we would have grandchildren. By becoming a woman, unable to carry a child, that was gone, wasn't it? Your father did some foul things to you, and he doesn't blame you for feeling like you do. He wanted me to tell you that. He is terribly sorry Delores. You have no idea." I waited before I spoke, then..."All that was about grandchildren? What about me? I made the mistake of getting caught, once, and dearly paid for it until you threw me out! You can't possibly believe that even if I did have children that I would let him see them do you? After what he did to me?" "He wants to see you honey. He doesn't have long, and he wants to talk to you...alone." "Not without Mike standing there mom." "Your father barely has the strength to walk! You'll be perfectly safe!" "Mike will be there, or I don't go mother, end of discussion!" "Tomorrow then. At noon?" "I'll be in the hotel restaurant at noon then." Mom left, and I washed off the makeup and went to bed, sleeping badly at best. I called Mike in the morning, and he said he would be there, then I called Janet and told her I wouldn't be in, I had a family matter to take care of. I wore a simple knee length skirt with a light pullover top and low heels, my hair down in a pageboy and my normal makeup. I met Mike as I walked up to the hotel entrance. He took my hand, and we walked in together, finding my father sitting alone at a far table. Mike sat at the bar as I made my way to the table. I stood there for a moment, then he waved his hand for me to sit. "You looked beautiful last night." I said nothing. "Your mother tells me that you don't hate me. That's good. I don't want to die knowing you hate me." "Not hate, call it lack of interest". "I was wrong. I thought...well, that doesn't matter now, I was wrong about you, and I'm sorry." "Saying you're sorry won't make it all better dad, I have to live with those memories every day. I have to struggle just to be the person I really am, and no amount of sorry will change that. You decided the way to make me into the person you wanted me to be was to call me names and beat me whenever the mood struck you; well, it didn't work old man, I am who I am, and nothing ever changed that. All you did was make me forget you existed, and believe me, I worked hard at it. I made a new life for myself, and I'm not letting you upset it any more than you already have. I don't have any desire to see you in pain like you are, but beyond that..." "Are you and that young man over there..." "He's a close friend." "Someday," dad said softly, "you'll have children of your own, and you will have to make choices about them, choices that will be painful for everyone. I hope that maybe you'll understand better when your time comes." "Believe me, if I ever do have children, I won't call them names or beat them into submission, I'll try and find out what's going on, how they feel, what they want, then I'll make a decision. At the very least they will know that I cared enough to ask, which by the way, I never once got from you!" "After I'm gone, I want you to open this, but not before." "I don't want anything from you!" "I know that, but this is special. Take it. Open it after I'm gone, and not before. Okay?" I took the envelope and stuffed it in my purse, then stood up and looked down at him. Those watery gray eyes of his looked back, a sadness etched in deep wrinkles all across his face. I said nothing more, and walked over to Mike, took his hand, and we left. Mike took me home, following me into my apartment. I burst into tears the moment I turned to look at him, and he took me into his arms. Weeping like a little girl, he stroked my hair and held me tightly. It was something I could not ever remember either of my parents doing, especially after they caught me. Mike brushed away the few stray hairs on my face when I looked up at him, a small smile on his face. "Your mascara's running." "I don't use mascara. I always poke myself in the eye." "Something is running down your face Delores, and it's black." "Eyeliner." "You're beautiful. Did you know that?" "I'm an emotional wreck Mike." "Then what you need is someone to help you become emotionally stable again." "Like you?" "Yeah. Somebody just like me." "But you know that I'm not, I can't...I have never..." "I'll always be here for you Delores, as your friend, or maybe more, but I'll always be here for you." He kissed me on the cheek, went to the door, and with a glancing smile, he left. I was alone with only my thoughts. My mom, my dad, Mike, Samantha, Janet, all of them swirled around in a whirl. I needed Samantha, but she wasn't home. I wanted someone to hold me, to tell me they loved me, someone to tell me that being a woman was exactly the right thing for me. My parents were out, Samantha made it clear that we were just friends, Janet was, well, she was my boss, which left Mike. To find out the truth about yourself can be an excruciating journey filled with pain and anger, love and hate, friendships and lovers, and I had most of them. In my jab at finding myself I had come full circle. I still needed someone to love me more than life. Mike. I went to the window, pushed it open to call him back, but he was gone. I took a shower, but it didn't help any. So I sulked while watching some dribble on television. Samantha stopped by later that day, and we had a very personal girl to girl talk. I told her everything, and she listened with wide open eyes as I described how I felt when Mike held me. It was late when she went home, her advice knocking around in my head for hours. After I went to work my days went by quickly. Mike began to call me every day, and I started to think that maybe Samantha was right. I got word that my father died about a month after I saw him last, and that night I opened the envelope he had given me. There were three pictures and a letter. In each picture was a young girl, happy and carefree in a summer dress. "Delores, The girl in the picture is my friend Henry. He is about 14 in the pictures. He liked to dress up, which was fine as long as he was at home, but he went to the corner grocery once, and someone spotted him as a boy wearing a dress. They killed him. They beat him to death. His name was Sally. Now maybe you'll understand. Dad" The girl was pretty with what looked like dark hair done in pigtails, smiling and happy. Henry. My dads friend Henry had been killed because like me, he wanted to be a girl. Killed by unknowing thugs for an irresistible force, which I understood very well, and was driving him to dress that way. The implication was clear. My father was trying to save me from the same fate. I sat there stunned by what I read and saw. Part of what had happened to me became clear, the reason why my father freaked out when he found out that I too wanted to be a girl. I had a lot of unanswered questions, but he was dead, buried with only my mother to weep over his grave. I wondered if she knew about Henry. It was two more days before I was able to call her and ask the questions left unanswered in the note. Sadly, she had nothing more to offer, and only knew the story, not the details, but she did tell me that maybe my grandmother would be able to tell me. She was Henrys great Aunt. I didn't even know I had a grandmother! If I had a grandmother, I had never heard her name, or met her! I made arrangements to take a weeks vacation, then I packed a bag and headed to my mom's house. Two days later I was in a nursing home, standing in front of a very elderly woman. The nurse told us that she had just taken her medication, and might be lucid for about an hour. I was listening carefully as the old woman told me how Henry had told her that he wanted to be a girl, and how, after a family discussion, it was agreed that he could dress up at home. He wasn't supposed to go anywhere. My father, his best friend, had been given the task of doing the grocery shopping that week, but he had a hot date, so he asked Sally to do it, and that got her killed. According to what I was told, my father took the death hard, blaming himself. My mother was sitting nearby when the older lady asked me who I was. I looked at mom, then, with a straight face, told her that I was her granddaughter. The old woman smiled as I saw her mind drifting away. A nurse came to take her back to her room, and we left. I went home the next day, after mom and I talked about what we had learned, adding it to the way my dad acted when he found out about me. I just could not bring myself to forgive him, but the edges did soften a bit. Mom and I decided to try and start over, as mother and daughter, and for the first time in many years, I hugged her. She smelled just the same...good. I minute I got home I made a hair appointment, called Mike, then right after I had my hair done, I went home to change. I was more than ready to take my place in society as a woman, and when Mike arrived, I let him help me prove myself right. Those years of torment and shame rolled away as Mike let me know that someone wanted me, as a person and a friend, allowing me to fully accept what I knew to be true. My mother and I began to attempt becoming closer, as families should be. Our tenuous beginnings were meager at best as we both had to find ways to forget the pain of ugly words hurled in anger and past mistakes, but we are working at it, and we both want it to succeed. Mike is always been there for me, but Samantha and I are really close friends, and ever since she met Fred, we have many secrets to share. I am almost satisfied with my life, only the stain of denial from my father remains. Maybe someday I'll be able to cast that aside and be whole, a woman, a daughter, someone my mother can be proud of, and maybe someday I'll even believe it.