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Deceit Janet L. Stickney [email protected] The undertone in our house wasn't pretty. In fact, it was ugly, but all I could do was suffer the stares and snide remarks silently. To do otherwise would have caused a firestorm that I did not want, since I had already experienced that thrill when my dad walked in on me and found me completely dressed as a girl, complete with makeup and my hair brushed out. The short miniskirt and low cut blouse with the heels I had on didn't help the slightest bit either. My dad went ballistic while my mom smirked and began to tease me about it. I was 16 at the time, which meant that I didn't have the option to leave, so I had to endure their attitude. My parents were never really involved in my life, both distant and neither showed much in the way of affection. They fed and housed me, provided medical care and so on, but beyond that, they showed virtually no interest in me. As lonely as it was for me before, things in our family really changed after I was caught. Dad for instance, quit asking me to do anything at all with him, and we never again shared any conversation that did not include some mention of my wearing a dress. For her part, mom kept asking me if I wanted her to do my hair, always telling me that she had some nice ribbons, what I thought of jewelry, or a particular style of dress. My life became an endless parade of remarks that drove a wider wedge between us, one that I could not do one thing about. For my birthday, dad gave me a curling iron while mom gave me a nightgown. Both laughed when I opened the packages. Not only was it bad, it was getting worse, and there was no relief in sight. My parents are very rigid in what they perceive of the roles of people in society, and I have never once seen either of them change their ideas of what they believe to be true about minorities. That of course meant anyone that wasn't "in their class", or held equal status. That viewpoint made my getting caught dressed as a girl akin to having a bomb go off in the house, which I always knew would probably happen, if they found out that is, but I simply couldn't stop myself. For a guy I suppose I'm about average in size, but with a hairless body, which was a constant source of teasing by the other guys in gym, but I tolerated it since having a hairless body was just fine for when I wanted to become a girl. Like I said before, all my life my parents had never been much for showing affection to each other or myself; yet both of my parents expected me to do my best in school, but usually, they did not get involved, which left it up to me. I also had plenty of time alone, which is when I would dress up, until I got caught of course. Dad works selling parts to auto companies while mom spends her time working on charitable committees, usually leaving me to myself...until I was caught. After that mom always made sure she was home when I was. Because they both drew even further back from me, they also began to discuss things as if I wasn't in the room, which was a mistake. I'm an all A student, certainly bright enough to figure out what was going on, so when I saw dad push a stack on money into his desk, I began to wonder what he was into, but I certainly had an idea. Months went by before they relaxed even a little bit, and dad got careless, letting me see him with huge amounts of money, always in cash, always stuffed in his desk drawer. Mom bought new furniture, a new car, redecorated the house, and always had money she never had before. I did not gain anything except the knowledge that my dad was probably taking kickbacks. That's when I began to have a glimmer of an ugly idea. I turned 17 when I was halfway through my senior year, and applied at several colleges. My parents told me they would pay for my college, but expected me to pay for anything else, like gas for my car, the insurance for it and so on, virtually telling me I was on my own. The day I graduated mom gave me an envelope with a check in it, then told me they would be moving to Europe, and confirmed that I would be on my own. Looking at the amount on the check, I knew that mom had relented a tiny bit. I left for the college two days later, and didn't look back, not even once. When I left for college I took all of my girl clothes, makeup, shoes and so on of course, because once I was away from my parents I would be able to do as I pleased. What I pleased was going to shock everyone, but by that point, I was determined. After a few weeks on campus, I found a small apartment and moved in. I had saved my money for years, and had more than enough to live there without worry, and if I were careful, I could increase my wardrobe a bit. I had two whole months before classes started, so, in order to do what had to be done, I became Angela once again, then with tremendous effort and tons of fear, I managed to get a job at a local store, hiring in as a girl. I know that the woman that hired me knew that I wasn't really a girl, but since I wasn't dealing with the public, she overlooked it which is why I don't think she cared. My job was to fill orders and keep track of shipping, both in and out. I started that very day, learning my way around. Her name was Cheryl and was about my mothers age, soft spoken yet very direct, which I found out two days later. "Angela" Cheryl said as she walked into the small office, "I'm sure that you have a very good reason for what you're doing, and while I don't care how you dress, I think that maybe you should tell me what is going on! I mean, if this is just for the summer, I need to know that, but if you plan on staying the way you are, then I'll have to make some minor changes in the way I pay you. Care to enlighten me?" I slumped in my chair and look up at the same time, knowing that she had every right to demand an explanation, so... "I plan on becoming a girl someday, so I thought that I would start now. I can quit if you..." "I do not," Cheryl said sternly, "like quitters Angela! Now, either you want to become a girl or you don't, I don't care either way, so don't ever presume to assume an action before it happens, not with me!" She sat in the one extra chair, becoming eye level with me. "As it happens, I know a little something about boys that want to become girls, so I have no objection to your working here as a girl, I only wanted to know just how far you intend to go! Do you want to follow through? Have the surgery and all that?" Nodding my head yes, I added, "But not until I do something that needs to be done. I'll go as far as I can without the surgery, and after..." "After you do what?" Cheryl interrupted. "Even the score," I blurted out, "make things less..." "Your parents?" she asked me. "My parents," I said with a scowl, "don't have a clue, but after the way they treated me, well..." "I don't know what's going on between you and your parents," Cheryl said, "but anger is an ugly thing to carry around all of the time Angela. It can consume you, and serves no purpose other than revenge. Is that what you want? Revenge?" "Not revenge," I said with a sly grin, "retribution is more like it I think." Sitting back a little, "My parents virtually ignored me my whole life" I told her, "and when they found out about...this, they shut me out altogether. Except for food and shelter, I was on my own, except for mom being around all of the time to make sure that I didn't get dressed up again that is. But my dad...well, he needs a lesson, and I intend to give it to him!" "By becoming a girl!?" "No," I told her, "I always wanted that. No, What I have in mind is going to be a lot more...exciting! They have no idea what or how I feel about myself, and when I left to come to the college, they told me I was on my own, then moved to Europe! They didn't even tell me their new address! Just how concerned am I supposed to be about what they think?" "None it sounds like," Cheryl said with sadness in her voice, "but if that's the case, can I assume that you'll be attending college as a girl?" "I enrolled using my initials and checked the box marked female, so yes, that's exactly what I intend. My mother even checked the form before she signed it, but didn't even bother to read it, and didn't notice that!" Bitterness filled my voice with that last remark. Cheryl had me sign some forms, then left the office. Confused by her reaction I wanted to ask her what she meant when she said that she had some experience with boys that wanted to be girls, but held myself back, deciding to wait until things cooled off a bit. I was unsure about Cheryl, but she hired me, and didn't seem to mind my...status, so I let it be. After a few days I had managed to wear everything I owned, but I had gained enough confidence in my ability as a girl to visit a local mart where I bought more skirts and blouses, shoes, plus panties and two more bras and a pair of jeans. That night I packed away all of my boy clothes, determined not to wear them ever again. As I removed the tags and put the clothes away I thought about what Cheryl had told me about anger and revenge. I was long past the anger; that had been displaced by the realization that my parents had not cared about me, not really, not even once in my entire life. Being left to my own devices, without the benefit of family, I sat sipping on a soda while looking inward, examining my plan, wondering if, as time went by, I could do it. Mom, while not quite as distant as dad, used what I knew in my heart was money dad didn't earn, and that earned her an opportunity to be shocked, but my dad was going down, that much I was sure about. How, I didn't know, but I promised myself that I would be a part of it, and I was going to do it as a woman. His shock was going to rattle him to his core, especially when he learned who it was that sent him away. Cheryl and I settled into a routine as I became less inhibited about dressing as a girl, and I was able to relax enough to actually start acting like a girl, normally, not with concentration. When school started I worked nights and weekends, focusing on my class work and job, relegating everything else to the back. I didn't date, so that wasn't a problem, and I was able to maintain my grades. I even got a small raise just before Christmas. It was a lonely time as I watched my classmates head home for the holidays, staying home or working, but I used the time well. I went online, and ordered enough pills to last me for a very long time. I was focused only on my goal, disregarding the dangers of taking pills while not under a doctors care, telling myself that my goals were worth it. I started taking the pills that night according to the schedule I had downloaded from the Internet. It was February before I started to develop a little, and in my glee I almost told Cheryl what I was doing, but only just managed to remain silent. By May I had grown to a full A cup, and quit using my birdseed forms, but rather than buy new bras, I merely padded the ones I had, and nobody could tell the difference. As spring became summer and I started to work full time again, I had the body of an average 18 year old girl, except for one thing. I had not heard from my parents even once during the school year, but I had not expected to, so you can imagine my surprise when I got an e-mail from my mother telling me she would be in town and wanted to get together! Knowing how she felt about me, especially my dressing as a girl, I quickly responded, telling her that I would meet her at a popular local restaurant. Then I went shopping that night. I had not planned on shocking mom quite so soon, but there wasn't any way I could pass up the chance, so I spent lots of money buying exactly what I wanted, making sure it all fit just right. After I called Cheryl to get the day off, I slipped into the tub for a long bubblebath, then made sure that I was as hairless and silky smooth as I should be. With my nipples poking out at the bubbles I started to giggle, knowing that my mother was about to get exactly what she didn't want, a daughter. I was supposed to meet mom at two, which gave me plenty of time, so when I sat down to do my makeup, I took my time. When I was done, my green eyes were ringed in soft brown eyeliner, accented with pale plum, copper and a hint of blue eye shadow and deep black mascara. Peach blusher with plum undertones made my face a bit thinner, and as I smiled at my reflection, I spritzed myself with perfume before I went to the dresser to begin getting dressed. Black satin thong panties with a strip of wide black lace to start with, then a black bustier with a built in push up bra. Once I tightened the laces my waist was a very trim 24 inches, and my bust was displayed very nicely with a deep, unmistakably feminine cleavage. Grinning at myself in the mirror I rolled on the tan hose and fastened the garters before I stood up and took the dress off the hangar. While I wore all black lingerie, I had decided to wear a red dress. A sheath that was not only short, but low cut of course, and while snug, it wasn't tight. Once I had it zipped up and stepped into the black heels, I added lipstick and my red and gold earrings before I once again stood looking at myself. My once short brown hair had grown out, and now lay in shimmering waves of auburn that framed my face perfectly. I brushed out my bangs, glanced at the clock, then grabbed my purse and left to meet my mother. Silently, I hoped she would be so shocked that she would keel over, but doubted that would happen. More likely, she would not recognize me, but when I told her who I was, I was positive that she would leave, since she always had, so I sort of planned on it. Having made the reservation myself, I sat in the parking lot until I saw her walk in, then waited a few minutes before I started for the door. With my hips swaying, my long shiny nails and bright makeup merely an adjunct to my shape, I smiled as I walked inside. I saw mom watching the door, no sign of recognition on her face even as I walked closer, skirting the tables until I stood next to the table. Without a word I sat down across from mom, smiling, the scent of my perfume settling around me. "I'm sorry dear," mom said, "I'm waiting for my....oh my God!" "Hello mother," I said with a smile. "Yes, it's me, and as you can see, I've changed a little. My name, just in case you might care, even in the slightest, is Angela." Mom's face had turned white and she didn't say anything, so..."But, since we both know that you don't care, why don't you just forget I told you." I paused, then..."What's the matter mother? I'm not hanging out am I? Or maybe I'm not pretty enough for you? You don't like this dress? My hair? What?" I was deliberately provoking her, and as long as she remained silent, I was going to continue, and almost started to add something when... "Andrew...er...Angela, I...we..." sighing, "I should have guessed that this is what would happen, I told your father that we should have taken you with us, maybe you wouldn't..." "I wasn't," I said with bitterness in my voice, "about to go anywhere with him mother, you of all people should have known that! And staying with you, having you make all of those comments to me day after day also wasn't going to happen! I only agreed to this meeting to let you know that I'm in charge of my life now, not you, and I have decided to become the girl I was meant to be!" "It looks," she answered a bit strongly, "that you have succeeded. Tell me, do you really hate us that much?" "Doesn't begin," I said lightly, "to cover it mother. And hate is the wrong word. Despise is more accurate. All my life you ignored me. You never attended one school function I was in, you never came, not even once, when I won an award! You never did much more than feed me and house me in fact. I was like a pet for you and daddy dear, so what did you expect? That I would eagerly be the dog you treated me like? Then you told me I was on my own and left. You didn't even bother to let me have your address! Now, tell me. What did you expect from me when you sent that e-mail?" "I see," mom said sadly, "I, we, never realized...I mean, we thought that we were teaching you...but that doesn't matter does it?" Slumping in her chair, "You're quite lovely Angela, and obviously those are real or you would not have worn a dress like that. You're flaunting yourself at me to make your point, which I guess you have. But I came to tell you that your father is in jail." "Bribery?" I said. "Kickbacks?" "How did you know about that?!" "I'm not stupid mother, I knew about the kickbacks before you abandoned me! Just how could I avoid not knowing? Dad stuffing money in his desk with me standing there? You buying stuff we couldn't afford? How could I miss it? Just about the only time the two you thought of me was to slam me, make a snide remark or tease me. The rest of the time it was as if I wasn't there, and you got careless." Leaning forward on my elbows, I looked her right in the eye, then... "How long did he get?" "Twenty years," mom said grim faced, "in a middle Eastern jail. It's a hell hole!" "Oh gee," I said without the slightest remorse, "daddy dear gets to find out what its like! I'm distraught!" "Obviously," mom said, "you don't care what happens to your father." "Not a bit" I told her. "What about me?" she wanted to know. "What about you?" I said. "You didn't want me before, especially after...well, now that I've changed, what's different except that daddy dearest is in jail? I suppose you plan on staying around? Try to ruin my new life? Like you did before?" I sat back, my anger making my face flush and red. I could feel it. "What is it?" I asked her. "You tell me! You think that I can trust you? How can I trust you now, no matter what you do?" "I thought," mom said, starting to cry, "that we could...start over! I wanted...I can see that we...I...hurt you badly! I had no idea that you wanted to....that you would...I need you," she said as she started crying. "I had no idea that you felt this strongly about...becoming a...woman! I didn't know!" "Yeah," I said, "and you didn't ask either, did you? You and dad just assumed that I was what? A queer? Or crazy? Maybe both! Hell, you never cared about me, or you would have found the time to be able to attend at least one event in my life, like when I was named class Valedictorian? Or... how about the time I won the Gold medal for scholastic achievement? But no. You and dad stayed home or went out those nights! Well I'm on my own now, and I have made a new life for myself, and quite frankly mother, I don't need you, especially your nasty remarks, and I can't think of one reason that I should care what you want, or need!" "Please!" mom said, her lips quivering in despair. "Let me make it up to you! We, you and I can start over! I'll never see your father again, ever! He'll die in that prison! I don't want to be alone!" Her sobbing took over, loud enough to make the waiter come to our table. I sent him away with a wave of my hand, letting mom sit there and cry, like I did for so many nights. "Angela," mom said through her tears, "Please! Don't push me away, I need you!" She put her hand over mine, then, "I'll be the mother you always wanted, I promise!" As much as I wanted to get up and leave, I stayed there. Something, maybe that last shred of hope kept me there. I wasn't sure that she could be the mother I always wanted, since a rabbit cannot become a wolf because it wants to. As much as I doubted her ability to change her ways, I felt the hot iron of my determination to hurt her pulling at me, opening a small ray of hope. Unlike my father, my mother had shown one small glimpse of decency when she gave me that money, which at the time made me think that deep down she actually cared. She sat across from me, her son that had become a girl, begging me to let her help me, telling me that she needed me. I did not trust her, not that much anyway, but I was willing to give her one chance, only one, to prove it. "Okay," I said slowly. "Exactly what did you have in mind?" "I thought" she started, "that we could spend some time together to start with, maybe a small vacation?" "I have a job mother. I can't just leave, Cheryl has been very good to me, and I won't do that to her. She's been like a mother to me in so many ways that you don't have any clue about, but, maybe I can get some time, maybe a few days, a long weekend?" That remark hurt her, which of course it was meant to. I was willing to give her a chance, some rope to hang herself with so to speak, but I wasn't about to strand Cheryl in any way. If my being a girl bothered my mother, she had to learn to get over it in a hurry, because I wasn't about to change. I liked everything about being a girl and did my best to do and wear everything they did, even though I had no need of it. I always wore a sanitary tampon for five days each month for example. Granted, it went in a place that normal girls didn't put it, but it was my only option. It always made me feel extra feminine when I used a tampon, so I didn't mind at all. I sat looking at my mother, in a position, for the first time in my life, to demand, and maybe get, my way. "Where' you staying?" I asked. "I have a room," she said quickly, "at a small hotel nearby. I thought that we should talk before I...found something more permanent." "What about the old house?" I knew they still owned it. "I rented it out," mom said, "and the lease is for seven years with an option to buy." I gave her my phone number, telling her to call me that night, then got up, and with my hips on full swivel, I walked out, leaving her there alone. All of my plans were down the drain, but with mom showing up, right out of the blue, I had taken my best shot at hurting her, and knew that I had succeeded. I truly didn't care what she thought of my lifestyle, but if she could find a way to accept me as I was, I might be able to find a way to accede to her wishes and form a relationship, even one that would be tenuously close to collapse at any moment. With my dad sitting in what was sure to be a hellish jail, I was certain she was right. I would never see him again, and if he did manage to get out it wouldn't make any difference. I cannot say that I was happy with what I had done to mom, it didn't make me feel any better anyway, but I had put it all on the line for her to examine. After an entire life of being ignored I wasn't going to open my arms wide and let her leap into them as if nothing was wrong. I went to talk to Cheryl, and for the first time told her everything. As she sat there listening I saw her eyes go moist a few times, a grimness come over a few times, then her slow smile when I was done. I hadn't shed one tear as I told her, yet I felt...relieved. "The next move," Cheryl said, "is up to your mother now isn't it? I mean, she wanted to see you, and you went, although you made sure to hurt her when you talked and told her how it was for you. Now it's her turn to make a move. She can agree, or she can leave. Right?" After a pause, "You actually told her that I was like a mother to you?" I nodded my head yes, then, "That's a very nice thing to say about me Angela, but I'll bet that hurt your mother more than anything else." "It was meant to," I said. "Well," Cheryl said as she took my hand, "she is your mother, so give her a chance, okay?" I told Cheryl that I would, then went home. I was wound up tight and simply needed to relax a bit. I undressed, changing into shorts and a top with no bra, then flicked on the television. The scene of horror I saw unfolding in front of me left me speechless. The commentator was solemn as he describe what I could see for myself. The unimaginable had finally happened. I saw people jumping from immense height to a certain death, even as rescue squads of firemen and police went into the burning inferno, dodging shrapnel as they ran inside the burning building. When the second tower was struck it was shown live and in full color. Words to describe the carnage escaped the guy on the screen for a moment as I watched as both towers burned, for all the world looking like a pair of burning match sticks. When the first tower started to crumple I began to cry, then the second tower came rushing to earth in a blistering explosion of concrete and steel that had been literally crushed into a fine mist. The cloud settled around the ruins for blocks, choking, heavy, deadly dust that drove all but the most determined away from the scene. Cheryl called, telling me she would be closed for a few days. Her brother worked in one of the towers, and she was leaving to find him. Mom called immediately after Cheryl, asking if she could come over, and in my grief at what I had seen, I gave her directions. Within half an hour we both sat staring at the screen, transfixed by what we saw. Whatever mom and I had to work out disappeared in the cloud of dust, but raised my feelings of revenge for those that would dare provoke us like that to unimaginable levels. Then we saw that in many countries westerners were being killed as well, especially those in jails. The jail that dad was in was deemed safe enough, then came reports that every western prisoner had been executed to prevent further attacks on the jails. I saw mom go white, then she lay on the floor panting hard and crying. Mom stayed that night, and in the morning while we drank coffee, more reports of incidents began to surface, but also, the President came on and made a forceful statement that barely covered the anger in his voice. During that day, with the television on, mom and I discovered that our needs to be with someone were greater than our mutual lack of trust, and it was during that day that we began to talk. It went on for hours, my accusation, her denial, my anger and her realization that I was right. It was ugly and happy, mean spirited and pointed, yet somehow we managed to get through it. Mom had been a little shocked when she saw me that morning, since I always wear panties and a short nightgown to bed; when I walked out of my room, she could see that I did indeed have the body of a girl my age. She said nothing until the sounds of Amazing Grace began. Then she started to weep. Pulling me into her arms she held me, her tears joining with mine as we both wept for the dead, and maybe, even ourselves. Mom moved in with me later that week, and over time we came to understand each other much better. I kept working while mom found a job in an office. As I continued to develop my bust filled out while my hips and butt also got bigger. Mom and I began to share clothes, beauty shop appointments and often went out together, growing closer together, as a mother and child should be. My long held despair at my predicament faded away as I saw her in a better, more adult light, not shaded by the anger of youth or an oppressive father. As I moved closer to graduating my manhood shriveled up until it was nothing more than a nub, useless, yet making me feel the need to have it removed once and for all. Then my mother asked me how much it was going to cost! I told her, expecting her to jump at the price, but instead... "I think that when school lets out you and I should see about making you complete Angela. Who do we call?" "I...we can't afford that!" I said excitedly. "Let me worry about that Angela, now who do we call?" I told her, and two days after school let out I became a complete woman! After a short hospital recovery, and I was home, it took almost two more months for me to heal up enough to walk without being bowlegged, and for the first time, I didn't feel as if I were in a masquerade. Mom treated me like I had always been her daughter, and we bonded even more during those two months. I was in the first term of my senior year when it happened. I was making dinner, mom peeling the carrots when the doorbell rang. "I'll get it," I said. Wiping my hands on the apron, went to the front door and opened it. Stunned, I collapsed back into the room, smashing into a small table, which caused mom to come running out. When she saw who it was, she screamed. "Hello Marilyn," he said, "Where's that worthless son of ours? And who is the broad?" "Roger!" mom said shocked, "but...but...you're dead! It was on the news! They said that all westerners were killed!" "Can I come in?" he asked, saying. "Nice place you have here Marilyn, sharing expenses?" "This...this is Angela's place," mom said, calming down, I live here with her." "You can't come in," I said quickly, "you're not welcome here, so go away!" "Is that you Andy?" Dad smirked as he shouldered his way in. "Always knew you were funny that way," he said, "and I see you're still wearing dresses! But, you are cute, I'll give you that!" "Why are you here?" mom demanded. "To get my money of course! I hope you didn't spend it all, that would make me very unhappy!" "I...I spent it Roger," mom said, "trying to get you out of that jail!" "Jail?" dad said with a laugh. "Honey, I was never in jail! They need guys like me! I...fix things for them. I make it possible for them to buy things they need! I wasn't in any danger, ever. Now, about my money..." I pulled myself to the couch, grabbing the cell phone as I pulled myself up. Slowly I dialed 911 and hit the send button, then put the phone on the table, still on. "You barge in here," I said, into my home, and make demands? How did you find us anyway? 812 Juniper is not exactly a common address, and since I my name is Angela, I was just wondering." "It was easy as pie girly, took me about ten minutes to find you two." "I want you to leave," I said, "and don't come back!" "And I want my money," dad said, "and your mother is going to tell me where it is, or I'm going to be very mad!" "Go to hell Roger," mom said. Dad drew back his fist and hit mom right in the mouth, drawing blood and making mom drop to her knees in pain. Just as dad was about to hit her again, the door burst open and two very large cops charged in. They had dad under control in seconds. They dragged him to his feet, then one of them took him to the police car. "You ladies okay?" "I'm fine, but mom needs a doctor," I said. "I'll take her myself." A month later dad was charged with espionage, aiding someone that contributed to the horror mom and I had seen on television. Mom healed up, and later, once she was back home, she told me that she had stashed almost 20 million dollars in a bank, money that dad had made in bribery, extortion and moving equipment and goods for governments that worked to topple ours! I was stunned at the amount, but mom acted as if it were nothing, telling me that other than enough to make us both comfortable, she was donating the rest to the families of the firemen and policemen that had died in the tragedy. That was a year ago. Now I work as a registered nurse while mom still works in an office. She's dating, but I'm thinking about it. One thing sticks out in my mind though. It was what Cheryl told me. "Anger is an ugly thing to carry around all of the time Angela. It can consume you, and serves no purpose other than revenge." I know now that she was right.