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Educating a Coed Janet L. Stickney [email protected] I had been dressing as a girl for years, but it was only when I went to college that I was able to improve myself by going out more often. Within the first year I had mastered many of the problems I had, like makeup and hair, and was able to expand my wardrobe quite a bit. In my second year I even dated a few times, but never let things get too far, and although I was getting better, it wasn't until I found some sites on the Internet that I was able to purchase exactly what I needed. After that, with the new breast forms, I felt much better about how I looked and began to get better and more confident when I went out, secure in the knowledge that I had at the very least, a modicum of protection against discovery. I took a job that was flexible enough to let me attend classes, have the weekend nights free, and paid me enough that I was able to keep on adding to my wardrobe, and best of all, have my beard removed. It took six months before my beard was virtually removed, and during that time I was making contacts through my job that I hoped would lead to a job offer after I graduated. But I always kept Ann, my girl self well hidden from those closest to me. I'm not what you would call skinny, so, when I become my girl self Ann, I would have to say that I am voluptuous, and that is being kind, although I'm not fat, just...not skinny. My blond hair is turning a sandy brown, but my eyes, always blue, remain the same, and I don't wear glasses. My job had me at a desk most of the time, and as my weight began to increase, I decided to use the gym on a regular schedule. The college offered help to students that wanted help with weight control for free, so I enrolled. At my first class I met the instructor, a woman named Janet. Tall, with deep black hair and green eyes, she looked to be about 27. You can imagine my shock when I discovered that she was 43! Compared to her, I felt like a bloated lump! She started us on easy tasks, with no difference between the boys and girls. Walking, sit ups and so on. My diet also changed, according to her demands. I did not realize just how out of shape I was, and always worked up a heavy sweat, but after just a few weeks I had lost almost 20 pounds, and the exercises became a little easier. That's when she separated the boys and girls. The girls were doing aerobics while we were stuck doing the same sit ups. After a week of that, and without asking, I joined the girls. I enjoyed aerobics a lot more, and every part of my body was used. It wasn't anything more than that, at least at first. I was still going out on the weekends, and as I lost weight and toned up, I felt as if I were able to become more feminine. I no longer looked like a plump coed, but not quite one of those svelte young girls everyone is drawn to. I felt that I could go more places without fear, so that Saturday night I decided to eat at one of the nicer restaurants in the area. Wearing my navy dress and pearls, I drove to the place, then was escorted to my table. Serene is how I felt, calm, as if I belonged there, a young woman alone, yet confident being alone. I ordered a light wine, then sat back to survey the others around me. Looking across the room I saw Janet, and she was smiling at me. Swallowing hard, I remained calm, as if nothing could, or might be, wrong. Studying the menu, my meager table light was interrupted by a shadow that fell across my table. "Hello! I'm Janet. I don't think we have met." She sidled into the chair across from me, then, "It looks like those exercises have done wonders for you! I'll bet that within a month you'll have a figure to die for!" I said nothing of course, but she obviously knew who I was, so there wasn't any need for me to say anything. I certainly wasn't going to try and offer an explanation. "If you like...I'm sorry dear, I don't know your name!" "Ann," I said. "Ann" Janet spoke the word softly. "What a pretty name. As I was saying, if you like, I am starting a new group, women only, and if you would like to join..." "I'm sorry," I said, "I can't. You know why." "Oh that! You can use my facilities if you like, that's nothing. But my new group will focus on body shaping, and I'm sure that you could use some help there. Let me know what you decide...please?" "I will. Thank you," I said to her as she stood up. "You're very pretty Ann," Janet said to me in a soft voice, "and it would be a shame if you didn't let me help you." As she walked back to her table I tried to digest what she told me. Me? In an all women's exercise class? Just the sound of it made me pucker up! My meal was delivered, and I ate in silence, considering once more the offer my boss had given me. I could do my job from home, and as long as I met the schedule, he didn't care how often, or when I did the work, as long as it was done. If I did join Janet's new group, I would have to make time on Sundays to make up for it. I decided to let my boss know that I would accept working at home rather than in the office, then going home about an hour after dinner. Thoughts of what Janet had suggested nagged at me all night as I tried to envision myself in a leotard, my breast forms bouncing in my bra. Then, in my dream that night, I saw one, the left one, fall out on the floor. I almost laughed out loud. The next day I went to work on my apartment, cleaning it from top to bottom, making sure that Ann's clothes were put away, as well as all of the makeup. My mother was coming to visit that afternoon, and I didn't want another lecture about housekeeping, plus I didn't want her to find out that Ann was still around. Mom had caught me several times when I was growing up, then, after a talk, she even let me go out a few times, but later, I had kept what I was doing to myself, so I didn't want her to discover that Ann was still around. I showered, changed clothes, put on the coffee, and made one last sweep of my apartment before mom arrived. Mom arrived shortly after, and we had a joyous reunion. She approved of the way the apartment looked, then, as we sat drinking coffee, we talked about my schoolwork, my friends, and my job. I told her about everything, including my taking exercise classes and the weight I had gained, then lost, how I liked my job, and so on, which she soaked up with great glee. I put some muffins on the table just as she asked me about Ann. "What?" I said, stalling for time. "Don't," mom said with a smile, "be like that Andrew, I saw a bit of pink in your closet, so I know that you're still doing that. What I want to know is, are you able to cope with it, here at college I mean," Sitting there, I said nothing. "You're almost 19 now, and you can do as you wish dear, I'm only concerned about your safety." "I'm fine mom." Just then the phone rang. It was Janet, urging me to join the women's group, telling me that they would start on Tuesday, and that she expected me to be there. "Leotards are preferred Ann. See you then." After she hung up mom asked me what was wrong. It had to be the shaken look I had on my face that gave me away. "It's about Ann, isn't it?" mom asked. "Tell me. Maybe I can help." So I told her. I never was real good at keeping secrets from mom, and she had guessed what I had been doing anyway, so... "My exercise instructor is starting a new group, exclusively for women, and she has asked me to join it. She says it's all about body shaping." "Then it means that she has seen you when you are Ann, and she thinks that you could do it, or she wouldn't have asked you to join the new group. Right?" "I suppose, but what if one of my...what if something falls out?! I'll be the laughing stock of the school!" "Not if you wear the right undergarments, you know that!" Mom paused, then said with a straight face, "Can I see Ann again? Maybe we can go out and have dinner? I'll treat! It's been a long time since I saw her, and I'm thinking that what you really need is to talk about this to someone, and that has to be me. Now, why don't you go change? I'll wait right here." "You're not angry?" I asked. "I mean...before, when you said..." "I know what I said, but that was then and this is now. Things change. Go get changed, then we'll go have a nice dinner somewhere." I didn't see anything on her face that told me she was being devious, so, with a sigh, I went to my room to change. Since I had carefully removed all excess hair the day before, all I had to do was my makeup and hair, then get dressed. It took me about half an hour. I wore the tan sheath dress with white heels and white earrings and a white choker made of beads, a very conservative outfit. My clothes, once getting tight, now fit me loosely, yet I looked better, and with my hair in a pageboy, I looked slightly older. I touched up my lipstick, using the soft red, added some perfume lightly, then put everything in my purse and walked out to show mom how I looked, two years after the last time she had seen me. I saw mom stand up when I walked in, then a smile as she took in exactly what her son, me, had become. She hugged me, told me I was beautiful, then we left. We returned to that same restaurant that I saw Janet in. I was recognized as a previous customer, so mom and I were seated right away. We sipped our wine, ordered dinner, then mom sat back, giving me a grin. Our dinner arrived, and we enjoyed the best Italian food in the city. I wasn't concerned about being discovered, I was worried more about mom, and what she might do, but she had not given me any indication that she was going to embarrass me, so I managed to relax a little. That's when the waiter came to the table, two glasses of wine on a tray. "The gentleman sends his regards Madam." The waiter put the wine on the table, then pointed to the man that had sent the wine. It was a friend of mine from school! "Shall I accept the wine for you Madam?" Before I could say a word mom told him to tell the man that we accepted! "Mom!" I said after the waiter had left, and with some anxiety. "He is in several of my classes! I know him!" "Then you two will have a lot in common won't you?" Mom took my hand in hers, then, "You cannot stay in your apartment all of the time Ann! You have to get out, more than you are now anyway, and if you're going to be a woman, then you'll have to learn how to interact with men! Since he's a friend, it's a good place to start! Now I think..." "Hello ladies, may I introduce myself? I'm David. I couldn't sit over there and see either of you without acknowledging your beauty. I hope you enjoy the wine, it's one of my favorites." "Please," mom said. "Sit down! Join us for a moment." Mom, sitting near the edge of the table, didn't move, so David sidled in next to me, snugly against my side. "This is Ann, and I'm Greta, her mother. I'm just here for the day, maybe two." Mom paused. "That was very gallant of you to send us the wine David, thank you." "It was the least I could do Greta, given the way you both light up the room by just being here." Boy! Was he laying it on thick! And I didn't think it wasn't directed at mom either. He was looking at me the whole time, and the look he was giving me made me feel...feminine? Scared? But of course, I also felt like I had a sign around my neck that proclaimed me as a male. David sat with us for a bit, then asked me if he could call on me! I was at a complete loss for words because nobody had ever asked to call me, especially when I was dressed as Ann! Mom kicked me under the table, and in reflex I nodded my head, which of course David took as a yes, so he took out a pen and small pad, then asked me to write down my number. I glared at mom, who only smiled. I wrote the number on his small pad, then he softly took my hand in his, grinned, wished us a nice day, and returned to his table. "Why did you," I said to mom after he was out of ear shot, "do that? He's going to find out!" "Find out what?" mom replied with a giggle, "That you're a lovely but very shy girl? He already knows that honey, and I'm also assuming that you won't let his hands wander into forbidden places, so that means that you two can have some fun times together. Who knows? Maybe he's the catalyst that you need to help you decide what's right for you! I'm sure that you're becoming Ann more often than before, and that alone tells me that maybe, just maybe, I'm sitting here with the daughter you always wanted to be." I raised my hand to stop her, but... "No dear, it's true, and we both know it, don't we?" Mom sighed, then went on. "I guess I always knew as well, but I had a son, and thought that was the end of it, until I met Ann for the first time. By the third time I saw you, I knew that you wanted to be a girl, but I put it out of my mind because you never let me down, not even once. You were the dream son. But that time is gone Ann, and it's time that we faced the truth, and I want you to tell me I'm right, or wrong. Do you want to be a girl?" I sat there for a moment, unable to say a word. The very thought that I might be able to become a girl drove me to remember the days when terror reigned each time I put on a dress. Each time I felt the need to get completely dressed, then later, the need to leave the house. I remembered that first time mom saw me, when I had admitted that I had a girls name, then told her what it was. I remembered how she said nothing, only that look, the one that told me she was disappointed, then the rapid change back into my own clothes. I recalled that first time I left the house, the short walk down the block, then, three days later, when I drove around the city. I remembered the constant tug of my desires, always pulling me, taunting me, daring me to become the girl that I wanted to be. I saw it all in a flash, a torrent of pictures that made me sit straight up, facing my mother, and she was demanding that I tell her the truth, ugly or not. The word yes sat there on my lips, but I was unable to say it. I didn't have the nerve to deny my mother the son she had borne and raised, even though I sat there, completely feminine in my clothes, words, and actions. Mom sat there smiling at me, silent as I tore through my memories, waiting for me to respond to the single hardest question I had faced. I knew the question, I always did, and I even knew the answer. But to admit it to anyone but myself? I silently resolved not to say anything, unable to bring myself to hurt my mother, no matter what she said. Mom defined the word lady, in the way she dressed, acted, her manners, and mannerisms. Always seen with perfect hair and makeup, she exemplified my idea of what a woman was, and should be. I wanted to be just like her, but wasn't, and couldn't tell her that either. "Tell me," mom asked, "just how often do you go out?" "Usually just on the weekends," I said, "why?" "Since you never did answer my question, I think that it's time we found out, don't you?" "What question mother?" "Do you want to become a female! Don't play coy with me Ann, we both knew what I meant! Now, as I was saying, I think it's time we find out just how much you want to be a girl. You look just darling as a girl and you know it, but your problem is that you're very shy about letting anyone find out. You have almost six months before the annual ball my club hosts, and what I propose is that you attend, with and escort, David perhaps, and we let everyone see just how beautiful you really are." Too shocked to say anything, mom paused only long enough to let what she said sink in. "Within four months, if you join that ladies group, you should be in fine shape, and we can see about getting you a gown. In fact, we'll go all out! A day at the salon will make a new woman out of you! A sauna, rubdown, facial, hair, nails, and professional makeup always make me feel wonderful, and I'm sure that it will do the same for you!" "Are you out of your mind?!" I held my voice in low tones, but mom had gone right off the deep end for sure!" "Ann Marie!" Mom's sharp tone shut me right up, and caused a few others to look our way. "I am not out of my mind, and you will listen to me carefully!" Mom put her elbows on the table, then, "All your life you have been wrestling with this girl I see here. On your own, without any help from me, you have become quite a young lady, but now it's time for you to make a choice. I want you to be happy, and if that means that I have a daughter, so be it. If I have a son, that's fine too, but I will not have both at the same time! I cannot cope with that, so it's time that you decided." With a smile, she added, "If you want to be my daughter, then just say so honey. I'll do everything in my power to help you become the envy of every other girl on campus." My trying to overcome so many years of hiding myself had gone out the window that first time mom let me leave the house, with her permission, and while she was there. I had been 16. Since then our easy truce on the subject had never been talked about, and I never abused her tacit permission to let me dress at home, then go out. Mom was not one to make a fuss over things she couldn't control, and obviously, my becoming Ann was one of them. Sitting in that restaurant with her, dressed as a girl spoke silent volumes about how I felt about myself, volumes that gave visual cues that mere words could never express. The very fact that I had gotten dressed, then came to dinner with her like this, told her so much more than I ever could, and we both knew it. I never wanted to be a mere parody of a woman, a clownish man in a dress, nor a drag queen, I wanted to be a woman like my mother, and always strived to achieve that goal. Mom waited while we looked at one anther across that small table, waiting for me to tell her what I wanted most in life. "Okay," I said to mom, "but if I don't have the right shape within three months, not four, then I don't do it." "No dear. Four months, and you will do your very best between now and then. You'll have lost more weight by then, and since they make things for girls like you, things that can help you fill out the gown, we'll get those as well, if you don't have them already, and you'll attend the ball, with an escort. How, or whoever, you find to escort you is entirely up to you, but that is the only plan, and one that we will both follow. I strongly suggest that you join that ladies group and get all the help you can, because I am going to enter your name into the rolls the minute I get home, unless you can tell me, convince me, right now, that the girl I see sitting here with me is not the girl that you want to be, and maybe, really are! Can you do that?" There was no way I could deny how I felt, nor the fact that I wanted to the girl I looked like. Gazing into her eyes, I uttered one word, and that word was "no". Mom asked for the check, paid it, then we left. On the way out to the car I felt as if a gigantic weight had been lifted from my shoulders. All pretenses, every argument I ever had were shattered by my mother. My thinking that she could accept me as a girl part time, like before, my long held idea that nobody could be blind enough to find me attractive enough to want to be with, and of course, my less than wonderful shape. All of my armor was gone, and like a bird set free, I was able to see beyond the horizon, and all that lay before me. But also like the bird, I did not see the pitfalls, only the long smooth road to fulfillment. On the way home mom and I didn't talk, yet there was a certain something in the air between us. Something that gave me a great deal of confidence. That night, after mom and I had changed into our nightgowns, I showed her, because she asked, my breast forms. They were the cheaper ones, but served me well because nobody ever saw them but me. Mom didn't say anything and we went to bed a bit later. The next day when I woke I saw my closet door open, and the fleeting thought that I should just get dressed and attend class hit me like a slap in the face. I knew that most, if not all of the professors on campus could care less about students for the first two years, only gaining a concern as the students progressed into the later half of their college careers. That's because so many dropped out. That meant that as long as I turned in the class work and signed my real name, nobody would care what I wore, as long as it looked as if I fit in and belonged. I sat there on the bed for a moment, then went to make coffee, and saw mom at the table, sipping on hers. She had already made the coffee. I poured a cup then went back in my room, gathering my courage, prepared to do what had always been unthinkable. It took me about 45 minutes to get ready, appearing in my short blue and white checked pleated skirt with a white pullover top, pantyhose and my gym shoes. My hair was pulled back and held in place with a pair of barrettes. Mom didn't say a word as I poured another cup of coffee, then sat down across from her. "I think," mom said, "that I should stay here with you for a few days Ann. We can talk some more, and maybe we can fix your wardrobe a little. Would you like that?" I gave her a hug, told her I would like that a lot, then grabbed my purse and with what felt like a new vigor, I stepped outside, walked to the car, then drove to the campus. Kids were walking to their classes, ignoring me as I grabbed the bag and purse, then, as I walked into the hall I saw David waving at me. I sat, then began to take notes. I had not seen David when class let out, and I simply went to my next class. It was like that all day, the only excitement when another girl sat next to me and began to point out guys that she thought were cute. She was right about a few of them, and I did my best to maintain my calm as she chattered until class started. By the time I got home I was exhausted but elated that nobody had tumbled to the fact that I was a boy, and also, the way I had been accepted, even by the girls. Mom had dinner waiting, a smile on her face, some packages on the couch. "I looked at your clothes, saw what you had, and decided that for a few items, I could help. I need you to try everything on for fit, but I think they'll be okay. You can try them on after dinner." Three skirts, a lilac suit, two dresses, a new purse, two pairs of shoes, plus panties. In the last bag I opened I found a white sports bra, purple tights, and a pink leotard. Everything fit just fine, although I had to take extra care to make sure that my manlies did not embarrass me when I wore the leotard. Mom only smiled when she saw that everything fit, and I changed into my jeans to do my class work. Since everything was done by email, I was able to send in my work from home, still able to continue attending classes as a girl. The next day was a repeat of the first, except that mom was gone when I got home, only the note that asked me to come home for the weekend betrayed her short stay. David chose that night to call me. He apologized for not saying anything to me in class, saying he had lost me in the crowd. Then he told me how nice mom was, the usual stuff, and finally, asked me to join him for dinner that Saturday night. I told him I was going home for the weekend, and couldn't, but added that I would like to at a later date. He said he would see me in class on Monday, hung up, and left me unable to comprehend why me, of all the girls he could ask out, I was the one he asked. I fell asleep that night wishing that I were a real girl, only to awaken to the awful truth. The next night was the first night for the exercise class, so the minute I got home I changed into my little outfit, then slipped on a pair of jeans and a thin jacket, then left for the exercise class. Janet didn't even blink when she saw me. I was just one of about 15 girls, and she treated me that way. She started the class with the basics, which we did for about half an hour before we took a very short break, then went on to what she called her figure enhancing stuff. Dancing was more like it, but with the music it wasn't so hard, and I actually enjoyed it enough to forget how I was dressed, and able to quit worrying about it. The class lasted only an hour, but I had worked up a good sweat, just like everyone else. When the other girls started for the showers I simply put my jacket on and went home. That Friday night I packed a few things, then drove home. It was a pleasant drive, and I was home within a couple of hours. Mom wasn't home when I got there, so I put my things in my room and changed from my jeans to a skirt and blouse. I was in the kitchen beginning to start dinner when mom walked in. She helped me make dinner, then, during dinner... "I talked to a friend of mine, you know her, Prue? Well, anyway, she had a mastectomy two years ago, and she told me about this place that makes breast forms for people. She told me that if someone wanted the very best, that they should go there, so I called them, and we have an appointment tomorrow morning at ten." Seeing that stricken look on my face, "Oh stop that Ann. We both know that you need them, especially now! Besides, I told the lady the circumstances." "What!" I said. "You told someone you don't even know about me?" "She told me that she and her staff make breast forms for men all of the time. She said it was no big deal. Now finish your dinner." I ate dinner, wondering how the lady would react when she saw me. I did the dishes, then as mom and I were sitting, watching television, the doorbell rang. Mom opened the door, I heard voices, then I saw her as she walked back in the room. With her was an old friend. "Hello Ann, it's been a long time." Standing up I said, "Hi Claire." "My mom told me you were going to be home, so I thought I would stop by." Claire's mother was Prue by the way. "I thought I would stop over and see if you wanted to join a few of us tomorrow night at Dancers, but..." I looked at mom and saw her slowly nodding her head yes, so... "That would be very nice Claire, thanks for asking!" "Since," Claire asked, "Ann is here, is that how your going tomorrow night? Or are you still scared about doing that?" Claire was the only other person that knew about me becoming Ann. It happened when we were in high school. I was ready to leave when Claire burst in and saw me. But rather than freak out, she and I went out together that night, and had a great time. Since that night she has always been supportive, and a bit protective, but it was time she knew what was going on. "I'm attending college as a girl now Claire." "She even has a boyfriend," mom said with a smile, "and he's really handsome!" "A boyfriend! You have a boyfriend?" Claire sounded more than a little shocked. "Well," I said, "he is cute, and he has asked me out a couple of times, but..." "No buts kiddo, I want all the dirt, so lets have it!" Claire stayed, and after mom quietly left the room, I told her all about David, joining the women's only exercise group, and attending classes as a girl. Claire, when she heard that I was being fitted with breast forms, demanded that she come along, and I just could not say no. When she left for home I told mom that Claire would be coming with us the next morning. Mom only smiled at me. Being fitted for breast forms wasn't as traumatic as I thought, and to my surprise, after the molds were made, the woman and her staff were able to create a pair of breast forms for me that not only fit me exactly, but were the exact color of my skin, complete with gradations of color! Once they were attached to my chest and the thin seams pushed down against my skin, it looked as if I had grown them myself, making me feel more than just wonderful. The downside was that my bra no longer fit! Mom told me to put my blouse on anyway, paid the bill, and we left. Claire thought it was funny while I thought that by not wearing a bra I had reached the pinnacle in my quest to become a girl. If I had my way, I would never wear a bra, ever again! The way they bounced, the small but definable nubbins that were my nipples as they pushed outward, then of course, the undeniable shape they gave my blouse, and the not quite sheer enough material of my blouse to display, but not heavy enough to hide them. But mom would never allow that, and I soon found myself in a fitting room. It was determined that I wore a 36B bra, and soon found myself with four new bras, including the one I had on. By the time we got home my initial reaction to having breasts had waned, but I wanted to touch them, hold them, create cleavage with them, in other words, I wanted to play with my own chest. Claire went home, promising to pick me up at seven, leaving me to head for my bedroom to find something to wear. Undressing down to my panties and seeing my breasts again made me feel giddy. Only my secret, well hidden corrupted the girl I knew that I was. I headed for the shower to get ready. I wore my brand new Pushemup bra with a pair of tight panties, everything folded well out of the way, leaving me with a clean line. Then my padded pantybrief and the pantyhose. I did my makeup, only slightly more dramatic than usual, and walked to the closet to get the only dress I had brought along. It was a sleeveless sheath dress, pale green with a square cut neckline, and was one of my favorites. I slipped it on, zipped it up, then went in the bath to do my hair. Since I had not yet had my hair styled, all I could do was a pageboy, spritzed it well with hairspray, added earrings, a choker necklace, and stepped into my shoes before I put on some perfume and lipstick. I borrowed a white jacket that was more like a sweater from mom, grabbed my purse, and went to the familyroom to wait for Claire to arrive. When we walked into Dancers I was expecting the loud throbbing music of the past. Instead the low strain of jazz filled the air along with the low rumble of voices, and clinking dishes. Claire led the way, and we were soon at a table filled with kids I had known from high school. There was Maury, the skinny kid that wanted to be a lawyer, Beth, the uninspiring mousy girl that had turned to go-go dancing to make a living and keep herself in college, Vivian, the girl all the boys wanted to be with but now ignored because she was into drugs, Chet, a nice guy that we had all known since kindergarten, who always struggled for everything he ever had. He now owned a small gas station and was attending classes as a business major. Ken, who was in medical school, just like we all knew he would be, Bill, our high schools top quarter back and resident bully, and Fred, who was in college, attending the college of music to become a professional bassist. That made eight. I was seated between Claire and Bill. Not one of them gave me any indication they knew who I was. Bill gave me an odd look, but I dismissed it as curiosity. Claire introduced me as her friend Ann, and I was accepted quite easily. We had fun, just having a few drinks, dancing a little, and telling jokes. Chet was a wonderful dancer, Ken was just as smooth as he always was with the ladies, but when Bill asked me to dance it was like being mauled by a bear with only mating on his mind. The way he put his hands on my behind and pulled me close to his body while he faked a sexual grind with me was more than I could handle, and I had to break away and return to the table because he was getting so overly friendly. When I stalked off the dance floor, he went into an obvious rage, but kept his outer cool, and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he went crazy on us. He always did. Bill had always had that about him. A strong sense of masculine strength held within a well built body with a handsome face, but I only knew of one girl that went out with him more than twice, and the innuendo that floated around was that he always went up to, but did not cross the line called rape. Bill gave everyone the sense that he was on the edge of madness, but so far, he had always reverted to being a regular guy when his ardor wore off. I only wished he had the charisma to go with all of the other gifts that God gave him. Claire, sensing my angst, told everyone we had to go, then we stood up to leave. We almost made it. Bill had finally reached his peak after stewing for almost an hour, watching me, leering at me, all evening. He reached out, grabbed my wrist, and yanked me backwards, right into his arms. Held in a bear hug, I could do nothing, as he was taller, and outweighed me by at least 75 pounds. As Bill spun me around, I saw the rest of the guys stand up, ready to pounce on Bill all at once, then I saw a figure coming at us, looming out of the faded haze, illuminated only by the thin pencils of light around the room. Bill also saw him coming, yet he did not let me go, trying to kiss me on the neck. Bill whispered in my ear, "Let's see how Sir Galahad manages this Ann! You let me think the green light was on, then you say red! It doesn't work that way honey! You're mine tonight!" The figure emerged from the mist, tall, with a rugged face and easily had more muscles than Bill. "That's no way to treat a lady," he said, standing perfectly still. "Maybe you should let her go." "No way!" Bill said. "She gave me the green light, and she's with me, so beat it!" Sir Galahad looked at everyone, then, in a very calm voice... "All I saw was a young lady that stupidly agreed to dance with you. The fact that you almost attacked her on the dance floor aside, you're a boor on top of everything else." The guy sidled sideways a bit, then..."Since when does agreeing to a dance with you give you a green light? What makes you think that any woman in her right mind would put up with that? Now let her go and we can all go back to having a good time." I could feel Bill growing tense, and knew from what I had seen in the past that he was ready to lash out at Sir Galahad. Nobody moved or said a thing for what seemed like hours, then Bill suddenly thrust me aside and with one continuous movement, made a rush for Sir Galahad. His head was down and his fists balled tight as he ran the short distance between them, and I was sure that Sir Galahad would be knocked flat. But he stood there until Bill was almost right on top of him, then he took one step sideways. Bill, with his amassed momentum, couldn't stop, and ran right into the railing, knocking it down and falling in a heap on the dance floor. Enraged, he got up and charged again, this time his head was up. But when he reached my knight, he stopped, swung a fist, and missed! Sir Galahad smiled and stood there waiting, not the slightest wrinkle in his suit. Bill glared at him, then pointed his finger at me, then drew back, ready to strike, but it never happened. Ken, who had joined Claire and I, hit Bill with a balled fist, right on the side of the head, dropping him to the floor. "Very nicely done!" Sir Galahad said. "I'll see that he's okay, but all of you should probably go." "Who are you?" Ken asked. "Why, I thought you knew! I'm Bill's older brother. My name is Jeff." Claire took me by the arm, and with everyone behind us, we all left. "What now?" someone asked. "I've had enough excitement for one day," I said, I'm going home! "Can I take you home?" Maury asked, that hopeful tone in his voice. "I better go with Claire, but thanks anyway." Claire apologized for Bill, but it wasn't her fault. It was mine. I knew what Bill was like, and how he treated girls, but I had, in my excitement at being a girl, let my common sense fly right out the window. By the time I was home I had an inkling of what so many women had talked about when they mentioned men that only wanted to control them. I went to bed, confident that Bill would no longer be a problem since I would be back in school the next day. I told mom what had happened, and while she was very concerned for me, I told her I could handle it, then, after church, I packed and drove back to school. Each day I would attend class, go home and study, then hit the sack, except for the two days a week that I went to the group. Then I took a shower before bed. All of us taking those weight loss classes began to knit as a group, and I was able to listen as some of the other girls bemoaned how they looked, often carrying excess weight from childhood. All I could add to the conversation was that I wanted to "generally fill out", which drew hoots and howls from the other girls. Most of them were bottom and chest heavy and they all hated their self image. They all noticed that I had a somewhat larger chest, it was hard to miss in that leotard, but nobody said a word, only whistled the first time they saw me. I took a lot of ribbing about it, but it was all in good fun, so I merely smiled and told them that the "boob fairy," had come that weekend and granted my wish. Janet started us on dancing aerobics that week, just 30 minutes, then we all had to try ballet moves. I was so sore that I ached all over when I got home, but at the end of that week I weighed a strong six pounds less, and my waist had gone down to 28 inches! Having boobs was great for my self image, but otherwise they were a pain! They always got in the way when I was cooking, trying to tie my shoes, looking straight down, a number of things that all seemed so little, but irritating none the less, until I looked in the mirror and saw them. Then it was heaven on earth. I had not heard from David, so I assumed that he forgot about me, which hurt me a little. I liked him, mom liked him, and he was going to be my first boyfriend if I could manage it. But I had met and become friendly with the girls in my weight class, and one of them, Cathy, wanted to introduce me to her brother, who's name was also David. Cathy had a bubbly personality, and while she did not have a boyfriend, she was always included when a party was held. It took her three weeks to get me to even meet her brother, and when I did, I was in for a shock. Cathy arranged for our entire group to meet at a local pub, telling everyone to bring a guest. I wore a skirt and blouse with low heels when I went. Cathy and Jill greeted me, then pointed right at Cathy's brother. It was David! My David! His eyes found mine, and I saw him grin at me, then start walking over. "Hi Ann! Cathy didn't tell me who she was bringing for me to meet! I almost didn't come. I hate blind dates." "You didn't," I said, "call me. I thought that you lost interest, or met someone." "Oh! That! I was doing my two months a year of duty. I'm in NROTC. I'm sorry. I should have told you, but now that we're both here, why not join me? I'll even buy you a drink." David touched my arm, which sent a shiver down my back, but smiling, I let him led me to his table, then sat snugly close to him in the small booth. He was every bit as polite as the first time I met him, and that was on top of being smart, funny and handsome. I had zero experience dealing with guys, like a girl does, and while I had not thought of guys in that context, David made me feel softly warm inside, and every time he touched me I wanted to smile, and often did. Then, after we had eaten, he turned my face to him with his hand and looked into my eyes. Then he bent over and touched his lips to mine. I almost wet my pants when he did that, but I did not move away or struggle, I simply let him kiss me. His hand brushed my hair out of the way even as he gave me another one of those smiles he has. Every worry, each fear, all of my inhibitions sank out of sight when he looked at me, but I maintained myself, only eagerly watching him instead. "Can I take you home Ann?" "I drove myself, sorry." "We can pick it up in the morning," he said with a smile, then squeezed my hand. "I'm only kidding Ann." Without the slightest bit of thought on my part, I said... "That's a shame. Maybe I should have let Cathy bring me tonight." "How about having breakfast with me then? I'll come get you around... ten?" "That would be very nice David, I'll be waiting." By the time I got home I realized what I had done. I had virtually told David that I had more than a simple kiss on my mind! Why I did that, acted like a love struck little girl, was beyond me, but there was no taking it back, so all I could do was take one thing at a time, and hope that I didn't do anything else stupid. In my aerobics class, Janet took each of us aside and began to assign certain exercises to each of us, while also suggesting certain vitamins and diets which were tailored to us individually. I got stuck with the ballet bar, sit ups, and the treadmill in addition to the dancing aerobics. I bought another exercise outfit so I had a choice, and started taking the vitamins and staying on the diet. Cathy, David's sister, told me that he could talk about nothing else but me, and with a grin, she told me that David was looking forward to seeing me again. I knew that, and I also knew that he would eventually want more than I could give. With a sigh, I went to the bar, and began my exercises, working so hard that I collapsed in a heap on the floor. After class Janet took me aside, and took some measurements, and to my great surprise, my hips were wider than my waist by almost two inches! Janet told me that within a month she expected, that if I took the vitamins and stayed on the diet, that my bottom would fill out a little better, and I would be closer to having the ideal shape. I changed in her private changing area and went home feeling a lot more confident about what she was helping me do. In all of my classes I had been accepted as just another girl, and while I still lacked the naturally fluid grace most girls have, I never had any trouble, and had started to make friends outside of the group, which turned out to be very helpful. I was walking out of my math class on Thursday when it happened. I was with a bunch of kids walking to our next class when Bill came charging out of the crowd, aiming straight at me. Just before he got to me, I saw him coming, and moved aside, behind a couple of guys. He was yelling, his fists were balled up, and his face was red and angry as he got closer, and as the crowd parted, leaving me standing there alone, he completed his charge. One of the guys saw what was happening and tried to stop Bill, but he was knocked flat. Bill grabbed me by the arm with one hand, and smacked me right in the mouth with the other. I pulled away, stomping on his foot, trying to slow him down, but he drew back and hit me again. I felt my nose breaking as I fell backward, waiting for the next punch. But three guys wrestled him to the ground just as the campus police showed up. Still yelling foul words at me, Bill was handcuffed and dragged to the police car, while I was taken to the hospital by a female officer in another car. My worst nightmare had come true. In the hospital they would find out my secret, and since they use a lot of nursing students, it would be all over campus almost certainly at the speed of light. They called my mother, and also, after I asked, they called Janet. The doctor, an older man, was very nice, and after an x-ray, told me that he was going to reset my nose, but he wanted to wait for the swelling to go down first, which meant that I had to sit in that tiny room all alone, waiting for the world to cave in on me. I saw a hand, then Janet as she stepped inside the room. Shutting the door... "Oh my! What happened!?" I told her, then felt the tears filling my eyes, convinced that I would be the laughing stock of the campus within just a few hours, then, as Janet took me into her arms, she told me not to worry so much, then why. "Dr. Stickney? That older doctor that looked in on you? He's my uncle! I'll talk to him, and make sure that nothing gets out. Besides, all he's interested in is that snout of yours that's now laying on your cheek!" I tried to laugh, but couldn't, then Janet said something very strange. "Maybe he can help you in another way Ann. I know for a fact, because I know for sure that he can do something to your groin that makes it look like you really are a female! I'll ask him, and if you agree, maybe he'll do it at the same time he fixes your nose. Would you like that?" I nodded my head yes, Janet left the room, and I was able to sit there and ponder what she had told me. Before the doctor returned, mom showed up, and with Janet right there, fussed over me until the doctor came in, shut the door, and stood staring at me with his hands on his hips. "Janet tells me that you are a very special young lady. Is this your mother?" When I nodded my head yes, he sat, then explained to both mom and I what he could, and would, do for my special problem, but only if mom agreed. I saw mom look at me, then slowly nod her head yes. I was given a gown to change into, then a shot that made me groggy. The next thing I knew I was in a room, my face bandaged, my eyes swollen almost shut. But my hand also felt the bandage in my groin, and I knew that he had done it. Unable to stay awake, I lay there for hours, until mom came in to help me get dressed. I was allowed to go home, but it had become the next day. Looking in the mirror I was horrified to see my face. Black and blue streaks that were turning purple, my cheeks a bright red, and two black eyes with blue centers streaked with red. When we were home, I went in the bath where I had my first chance to see what the doctor had done for me. Shaved clean, it was obvious. Where I once had a complete set of manlies, I now had nothing but a small slit. The folds looked perfectly natural to me, but I wasn't sure. In any case, it didn't matter to me. I took care of business, then went in the kitchen top find mom sipping on her coffee. "Feel better?" mom asked me. When I slowly nodded my head yes, she motioned for me to sit down. "Now tell me all about that buffoon that attacked you-" I told her everything I knew, which wasn't much, including how his brother had made him look foolish at the pub. "Okay, now tell me how you feel about everything else." I knew what she meant. How did I feel about losing my manhood. "I love it mom! It makes everything I do easier, and I don't have to put up with the occasional ache I got when I tucked myself, especially if I sat down wrong! It makes me feel...complete. Like this is the way things should have been all along...thanks for letting the doctor do it mom." "Oh!" mom said with a grin. "That was a forgone conclusion the minute we both heard of it, wasn't it? I mean, you've been living and attending classes as a girl for months now! How could we say anything else!?" Mom paused, then, "I see that your waist is quite a bit smaller, and you're filling out in others. That class must be working wonders for you." "It's taking forever," I said, "and I hate that ballet bar, but I'm able to do it easier, so I guess it's working, and I have lost almost twenty pounds altogether." "The doctor wrote several prescriptions for you Ann, one to reduce the swelling, one for pain, and another that I think you should consider." Mom handed me the paper. "It's a female hormone Ann. He told me that given the length of time that you have been living as a girl, it was his considered opinion that you might as well take them, since it was obvious that you would never be happy as a male. He told me that it would help with breast, hip, and butt development, and would eventually cause all of your body hair to fall off. In other words, except for what little beard you still have, you would have the body of a girl, and nobody would ever know," I looked up at mom, unable to say anything I was so shocked. "It is the truth isn't it?" mom asked. "You will never be a man again, and we both know that's the truth, so you might as well take them." "Why are you doing this mom? I mean..." "Ann, I told you before that I have accepted the fact that you should have been a girl, and that your happiness was all that mattered to me! I would much rather have a child that was happy than one that wasn't, and you seem so much happier now than any time in your entire life! What you wear doesn't change how I feel about you honey, I'll always love you." I saw tears in her eyes, then, "You won't be able to have children, not like a natural woman can, but you can adopt, and in my heart, I know that you'll be a wonderful wife and mother for some lucky man. Now, lets go get those prescriptions filled, then maybe we can stop at a salon and get your hair done. I think you need something to make you feel better, and a trip to the salon always does it for me. Go get dressed honey, I'll wait." We ate breakfast first, then had my prescriptions filled, and finally, I had my first trip to the salon. They did a lot for me, after styling my hair to make it easier to take care of, I had my nails done, but skipped the makeup because of the bandages. I felt like I was gaining on my goal of becoming a woman, but the lesson of the attack lingered, bringing home just how vulnerable women were when a man decided to hurt us. Mom and I went home where I saw my answering machine light on. I listened to the message, then ran out of the room to do my best to look good. David had said he would be over at one, and it was only ten minutes before one! Mom merely laughed at me, then sat waiting. David was full of concern, and promised that Bill would not get a second chance to hurt me. He stayed about an hour, then left, with mom leaving that evening. Janet put me on easy exercises, and for the next few weeks I kept at it, hoping to lose another 15 pounds by the time the summer session arrived. But I never lost that much weight, it moved instead. To my butt, hips, and breasts. David and I went out a few more times, but we never went beyond kissing, and he didn't even try, which made me wonder if I was woman enough for him. Two months later I had to have the breast forms removed because I had developed to a full A cup by then, and with a 36-26-36 figure, I no longer needed them. Just as the spring term was over, David asked me out, then later, and for the first time, I asked him inside, to my apartment, for some coffee. When he took me into his arms I fell against him, wanting him to be masculine and strong, and he was. As I stood at the counter making the coffee, he came up behind me, slipped his hands under my arms, and took a breast in each hand, it was all I could do to continue to make coffee. Every nerve ending came alive when he touched me there, then, while the coffee was brewing, he carried me to the sofa, sat me down, and sat next to me. As his lips touched mine I lay back, and within a moment his hand had released the front hook of my bra, letting my new babies free. The sensations I felt before were nothing compared to that, and I shuddered with excitement as his head moved downward to take a nipple between his lips. As his hand moved up my leg I began to feel that familiar fear of the past, until his fingers reached my center. Knowing that I was unable to let him take me that way I pushed him back, hiked up my skirt, and sat on his lap facing him. His ardor was unmistakable, as it was pushing, straining against my panties. I began that slow movement back and forth, using only my hips, and he began to hold me tighter and tighter. Then he pushed me from his lap, unzipped his pants, and let his weapon spring free. "Ann," he said with a pleading tenor in his voice, and my hand found it. A throbbing, velvet smooth hardness that drew me to him, making me feel so alive, yet I had never done that before. The strangeness of my touching him did not bother me as much as I had thought it would, because I was a woman and he was a man, yet I could not, would not, let him find out the truth. As my hand moved up and down, he lay back grinning. Then, in a spasm of lust and desire, I bent over and took him, without any hesitation at all. He delivered a moment later, and we both lay back in a mutual recognition of our combined lust. I straightened myself out and went to get us some coffee, hoping he would not see that satisfied grin on my face. It got very late, so David stayed at my place, sleeping on the sofa while I stayed in my bedroom with the door locked. That night as I lay in bed, the taste of him on my lips, I knew that I had become a woman. I had treated a man using the only method I had, and I didn't feel even the slightest bit of remorse about it. I felt instead, extremely feminine. I made breakfast for us, then had to try and say no to him after we ate. It was so hard to say no that I failed. When he finally did leave, I put on some shorts with a top, and cleaned my place. It gave me great satisfaction to know that I had leapt over that one last hurdle, being intimate with another man. I went out for a forbidden hamburger when I saw Cathy. She waved at me, then joined me. "David didn't come home last night," Cathy said with a smirk. "So?" I said. "Maybe he got lost." "Yeah," she said with a grin, "lost in your panties I'll bet!" "Catherine! How can you say a thing like that?" "Well, you have that... 'I'm well satisfied' look on your face for one," Cathy went on. "Or maybe it's that 'I lost my virginity' look you have written all over your face!" We saw two cops come in, and I went on with my "I'm a good girl" stance, but Cathy didn't buy any of it. But she wasn't being judgmental, she was being a girlfriend. There was a commotion starting, and as we looked up, we saw Bill run inside yelling at the top of his lungs. "She's a guy! That isn't any girl, just a guy in a dress!" By the time he reached us the cops were moving. "Goddamn queer, that's what this person is!" By then the cops were getting closer, one of them, the woman, was reaching towards her pistol. "Check it out! You'll see that I'm right! I want you to see if I'm right! I demand it!" Everyone was looking at Cathy and I, unsure of who Bill was ranting about. The older cop, the guy, pulled Bill away from our table, but did sneak a peek at us. I had a thin pullover spaghetti strap top on with no bra, which let my nipples poke against that top, while Cathy wore a sweatshirt and jeans. By then the manager had joined the crowd, listening as Bill insisted that I was a guy, but since Bill was not pointing at me, the manager assumed, because he could almost see my boobs, that Bill meant Cathy! "You!" the manager said in a very loud voice. "Get out! We don't want your kind in here! We run a family place here!" Cathy was very cool. "And just what kind is that?" "You know what I mean! I want you out of here, right now. Why don't you just go? Go be with your queer friends, somewhere, anywhere but here!" Cathy calmly opened her wallet and showed the woman cop her driver's license and sat back. "That doesn't prove a thing," the manager said, "Hell, in this town you can get anything you want, including a fake ID!" Bill, still being restrained by the male cop began to point at me, telling everyone that it was me that he meant, which is when I had enough. I stood up, grabbed the female cop by the arm, and looked at the ladies room. She got the message. We went in, I proved I was a girl, and we both rejoined the still growing crowd. Then I listened as that female cop got right in Bill's face, and told him in very clear terms, that I was a female, and there wasn't any doubt about it at all. Since he had seen us go in the ladies room, he had to know that she was telling him the truth, but he broke away from the cops, and with a wild look on his face, he drew out a small revolver. Pointed it right at me, which in the frenzy to take cover, I flipped the table over and crouched behind it with Cathy. I didn't even peek, but after a few brief moments of silence, the older cop tried to talk to Bill, hoping to make him hand over the gun. I heard a single shot, a thud, then three more shots. Gun smoke filled the air, the acrid scent of burned powder filling the room. Then the shrieks of people as they ran for cover outside. I finally looked over the edge of the table, and saw the older cop on the floor, bleeding from his chest. Bill lay a few feet away, three neatly spaced holes in his chest. He wasn't breathing. One of the patrons was a nurse, and quickly took over the care of the cop, stopping the bleeding with a compress while the other cop called for help. It was the most disastrous thing I had ever seen, and I felt responsible for it. I started crying, unable to stop when an older woman put her arm around me, and with Cathy, we went outside to sit on the bench. By the time we were allowed to leave, I was a wreck. Cathy came with me to my house, then called my mom and David. David arrived within twenty minutes, mom arrived a few hours later, with her lawyer in tow. Within hours it was all over the news, but they did not know who I was. Only the cops knew who Cathy was. It took them about four hours to find us. My lawyer listened, but the cops weren't the slightest bit interested in why Bill said I was a guy, they had their own witness to say that I wasn't. They only wanted to know about Bill, our relationship, and did I know why he thought I wasn't a girl. I told them what I knew, and they left. But the bigger problem was going to be the press. They would dig, and they would find out that I had not been born a female, and that would start the unending torrent of bad press, with me at the center of it all, possibly justifying Bill's tirade, making his shooting the policeman somehow less of a crime, all while painting me as nothing more than a deviate in a dress. I looked at mom, who was placidly sitting there, not saying a thing. Then the lawyer asked Cathy and Dave to leave so he and I could talk in private. They graciously left, but not after David kissed me while holding me in a full bear hug. After the door closed... "I know," mom said, "that you're worried about the press, but they will not find any records that will say that you are now, or ever were, a male. Mr. Pomer took care of that, at my request, after Dr. Stickney fixed the problem. I had your name changed legally months ago, and he had all of your records changed to reflect your new status, or they were sealed by court order. What that boy did was awful, but you are my daughter, and I'll swear to it in court if I have to." I looked over at Mr. Pomer and saw him grinning at me, nodding his head yes, then he handed me all of the documents that I would need, including a notice of my birth from the paper! I was stunned into silence! "I was going to wait," mom said, "until your birthday, but it seems that you need them now, not later. Now, let's make something to eat, I'm starving!" Mom was a pillar of feminine strength, and once again, amazed me. Bill had been killed on the spot, but the officer would survive thankfully. I went to see him three days later. His face lit up when he saw me, and as I sat there holding his hand I felt my eyes filling with tears. It was all my fault that he had been shot, I was sure of it. Then I felt his hand slowly stroking my hair. "Don't cry honey, it wasn't your fault," he said to me in a low fatherly voice. "That young man made a decision to hurt someone, and he did it, all without your help." "But...But..." I sobbed. "He was right! I was a boy at one time!" "I know, and my partner knows too. But that doesn't matter does it? We wouldn't have let him hurt anyone, regardless of who was wearing what. That's our duty Ann. Your job is to be a good citizen, nothing more." "You...knew?" "I was on the scene when that guy assaulted you the first time...remember? I knew it then, and after this, I told Kelly, my partner." "Does she...will you tell anyone?" "No honey, we won't tell anyone. As far as Kelly could see, you have made the transition, and that makes you a female doesn't it?" "I guess," I said with a faltering squeak. "Then there isn't any problem is there?" I couldn't help myself. I hugged him as best I could, then kissed him on the cheek just as his wife walked in. Grinning, I introduced myself to her, and she hugged me. I hugged and kissed him, his name was Mike by the way. I left Mike to the tender mercies of his wife after hugging them both again. David came by to see me every day after that, to make sure the press left me alone, but in their research they found nothing, and the incident quickly faded into the past, just another shooting in a large city. Janet, without any show of letting me lapse, kept me on the ballet bar and dancing aerobics that summer, and by the time the fall term started, I had the perfect body, except for one small thing, but that no longer concerned me. I made it clear to David that I was saving myself, and while we did get hot and heavy more than a few times, he never violated my demand to remain chaste. That fall David asked me to marry him, and I accepted. When he left for his annual cruise with the Navy, Dr. Stickney and his staff made me into a whole woman, then kept the news very quiet. Mr Pomer had my birth certificate changed, I got a new driver license, and my records at the college were changed to reflect my change to coed. It was almost ten months later before David and I were married, and I finally gave in to his demands, and I became a woman in every sense of the word. When I told him that I could not have children, he was disappointed of course, but after a few years, when David and I had our business running, we did adopt a child, a little boy we named Michael, after the man that had first saved me from Bill, then proudly walked me down the aisle. He was resplendent in his full dress uniform, and I was very proud to have that very brave man walk me down the aisle, and better, allow us to name our child after him. He became like a father to me, and I can assure you that he spoiled our son as often as possible, just like a grandparent should.