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Caught! Janet L. Stickney [email protected] I had been dressing up since I was about seven, always very careful not to get caught, and I was successful. Until I turned 14. Then he saw me. My best friend in the whole world had simply walked in the house, opened my bedroom door, and saw me standing there, completely decked out, from makeup to dress, pantyhose and low heels. My hair was tied up in a high ponytail, which exposed my clip on earrings. You could say that we were both shocked. I stammered, trying to find a reason, a plausible reason for my being dressed that way, but failed miserably. All I could do was stand there like that as he looked at me. I just knew that he would never forgive me. "Damn dude! Is this what you do in your spare time? Dress up like a girl?" "Nah..." I sputtered... "it's just... I just wanted to see.... how I would look, that's all!" "Maybe, but those clothes are too small to be your mothers, and you don't have a sister, so... what? You went out and bought them yourself? Just to see how you would look? No way! You must have done this a lot! And damn dude...you don't look so bad, pretty good as a matter of fact!" As he stood there saying all that I was quivering like a bowl of gelatin, unable to put up any kind of defense. He had shattered all of my pat answers in one stroke! "I came over because I thought we might hit ice cream place; Why don't you go like you are? I mean, you look okay, and nobody will know, so why not?" "You can't be serious! Me? Outside? Like this? No way!" "Listen dummy, just put on some lipstick and we'll go! I won't let anyone bother you! Besides, you look...good... real good!" "Are you hitting on me!?" "Quit complaining and lets go! We have to be back before your mom gets home, right?" He had a point. I desperately wanted to change clothes, but he just stood there, so I grabbed the lipstick, put some on, then took my very first step out of my bedroom dressed as a girl. As we stepped outside into the sunlight I started to shake, and he took my hand! "Calm down! You look fine. Lets just walk up, get and ice cream and walk back, okay?" And that's what we did. Even with all the people there, not one of them looked at me strangely, and I was able to relax, but only just a little. We had an ice cream, which he paid for, then we walked back towards my house. "See! I was right! Nobody knew!" As we turned the corner, I saw mom's car in the driveway. "Shit!" "What?" "Mom is home! I can't go in like this!" "My mom is baking today, so we can't go there either!" He looked me over, then said... "You don't have a choice, so my advice is that we go inside together. Maybe we can convince her that this was all a gag?" I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, so his suggestion was the best of my few choices and I had no choice but to agree. As he and I walked in the house, mom looked up and saw me standing there. She smiled, then said... "OH! Good! Your home. I need some help with the dinner. Ralph, your mother called, and I told her I would send you home, so you better scoot." He looked over at me, shrugged his shoulders, then left, leaving me standing there all alone. "Set the table honey, I'll get the rest." Mom had completely ignored the way I was dressed! I did what she told me, and after we sat down.... "I was wondering when you would show up! I mean, how could I miss those clothes in your closet, and the makeup in the back of your sock drawer?" I said nothing, shocked that she knew! "And why did you tell Ralph before me? Is he... special to you in some way I don't know about?" "No... Ma... it's not like that! I was just fooling around, and he sort of caught me." "But you went to the ice cream place like that, right? With Ralph? What else can I think?" "No! It's not like that! He was being nice, that's all! It was... nothing, and I wouldn't... I couldn't do...that!" "Well, in my experience, boys have a nasty habit of being extra nice to girls they like, and in this case, that seems to be you! And you cannot deny the fact that you are dressed up like a girl, and went with Ralph, right?" "Yeah, but that's all it was! He said that I looked nice, and nobody would know!" "I'm sure that is true, and you are really cute!" "Maaaa!" "Don't Ma me young...lady!" She just sat there a moment, then told me to get washed up. I was out of there like a flash, getting out of those clothes and into the shower as quick as I could. When I reappeared, I was myself once again. Not one word was said about that incident for about two weeks. Ralph and I hung out together, doing things boys do, then he dropped a big one on me. "I was wondering if... ahhh, you might want to get.... to dress up as a... girl again?" "Yeah. Right. As if." "The only reason I asked is because my mom says that I have to go to the family reunion next Saturday, but the last time I went there was this girl, a fourth cousin or something that just wouldn't leave me alone! If you went with us..." "NO." "But why not? I know that you like it, and besides, I'll be there; I'll be your.... date?" "No." "Well, your mom told my mom what we did, and she already told me that if you want to go, she'll make sure that nobody bothers you!" "Your mom knows... that I dressed up?!" "You know that our moms talk all the time, so just how did you think they wouldn't talk about something like that?!" "Yeah, maybe, but...." "I'll bet that your mother knows all about it, so why not ask her? If she says no, okay. But if she says yes, then..." "Why don't you take Gail? She's cute, and she's a girl!" "I asked her, but she just got the mumps and can't go. That leaves you." "Why do I have to go as a girl? Why can't I go as me? We can hang together, and those girls will leave us alone." "With you there all they'll do is go after both of us! I think they're nuts, but that's the way it is!" "You're serious about this! You really do want me to get dressed up and go with you?" "Yeah, but maybe your mom could come too... that way nobody will bother you." "I'll think about it, and that's all! No promises!" "Cool! See ya later." I went home, and just as I walked in, I saw my mom talking to Ralph's mom, and I just knew they were talking about me! His mom left rather quickly, but took a peek at me before she left. Then I was sure they were talking about me. "Honey, Janet was just telling me about this reunion thing they're having, and that Ralph wants you to go." "Yeah, he told me, but he wants me to go as a girl!" "Yes, that's what she told me too. Are you considering it?" "Maybe, probably not; I told Ralph I would think about it, why?" "I think you should do it, even if this one time. Then you'll have a better idea of what it's like to be a girl, and since you like to play dress up, this would be a good opportunity." "So... you're saying that you want me to do it?" "No dear. I'm saying that this is a chance for you to get all dolled up, go to a party, and have a good time, and maybe, who knows? Maybe you'll like it. You can go, and be safe I might add, because if you do go, as a girl of course, I'll go with you." "It sounds like you want me to do it mom!" "Well, in a way, I guess I think that maybe you need to do this. Do I want you to dress up and go out? No. But you've already done that haven't you? What I really think is that if you're going to go out, then this is the perfect solution!" When I said nothing... "I saw the sweetest summer dress yesterday, and I just know that you would look just delicious in it, so why don't I buy it, then I'll help you get ready? I promise that I'll make you look really cute, or you don't have to go, okay?" I did not say a word, afraid that I might grin or something else equally dumb, but mom took my silence as an okay, and left the house. She was gone about two hours, returning with several bags of stuff. She didn't say anything to me, but went in my room and put them on the bed. When she saw me.... "I picked up the dress as well as a package of panties and a padded pantybrief and a good bra plus some inserts. You might as well look the best you can, and these will help. Would you like to try them on? Just to see how they fit?" I tried to say no, I really did, but mom knew better, and I soon found myself getting undressed. "You know, if you used some of my hair remover, you would look more... natural? And feel better about dressing as a girl, and your skin would be a lot softer. Lets do that. Let me get the lotion." She smeared that goo all over me, and after a short wait that seemed like hours, I jumped in the shower, only to see hair collecting around the drain. My hair. I washed up, my skin feeling very smooth to the touch. When I was out of the shower, mom insisted that I let her rub in a skin lotion; it smelled good. Like flowers, and did make my skin feel very soft. She handed me a new pair of panties, then pantyhose, and after I fixed myself, she gave me what she said was a padded pantybrief. I stepped into it and tugged it into place, seeing in the mirror that I had hips like a girl, and a bigger butt! The bra had soft cups, and was just tight enough, and fastened in the front, so that my chest was pulled together, creating smallish mounds, but after mom shoved in those inserts, I had what looked like real boobs! Then came the slip, followed by the dress. She brushed out my hair while using her blow dryer, then fixed it in a modestly feminine style. Using hairspray, she once again made adjustments to my hair, and I was even more surprised that it looked so good. The foundation was put on very lightly, a dab of blusher, eyeshadow, and eyeliner, before she added the clip on earrings, then a small necklace. Then I stepped into some white flats, and she handed me the lipstick. When I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection, I was in heaven! On my best day I had not managed to look that good, ever! The dress was pale blue with white piping, short caps sleeves, and was snug over my boobs and fitted through the waist, flaring out to end about two inches above my knees. "Well, what do you think?" "I'm... I never looked this... I mean... it's ah... okay I guess." "I'll take it that you like what you see then?" Again, I said nothing, unwilling to take my eyes from the image in the mirror. "Lets take a walk shall we? Lets see what Ralph thinks." "Do I have to? I mean... I look so...." "You look just darling and you know it! You don't have to go, but wouldn't it be better if he...met his ah... date, before the party?" "I'm not his date! I'm just his friend!" "Shall we go then?" Mom and I left the house, for the walk around the block to Ralph's house. On the way, mom showed me how to take smaller steps, swing my hips and walk with my arms loose. I almost had it by the time we were on his front porch. Mom rang the bell, and Janet, Ralph's mom let us in. "Well! Look at you! Your gorgeous! RALPH," she yelled, "Kristen is here!" "Kristen?" I asked mom quickly. "That's you honey." Just then Ralph showed up. He took one look and broke out into a grin. "Hi," he said. "Hi Ralph." "Damn!" he said before thinking. "You look... great!" "Don't use that language Ralph, and this is Kristen." "Want a soda?" he asked me with a grin. "Sure, why not." He and I went out to the back yard and sat down do drink our sodas. Ralph was not himself, that's for sure! He kept staring at me with that stupid grin of his on his face! He was also very attentive, something he never was before, and I knew why. He was looking at me like I was a girl, something to conquer! I just sat there when a revelation hit me. Girls can get guys to do anything, as long as they act like girls! Since I had finished my drink.... "Ralph? Could I have another, please?" "I'll get it," he said as he popped out of his chair. Mom and I stayed there for about an hour, then we went home. By then I was getting comfortable around Ralph, and no longer worried about being ragged on for doing what he asked. I stayed in step with mom without a reminder, and by the time we got home I was very comfortable in that dress. The fact that I looked better than I ever had before helped too, but mom told me to change, and unzipped the dress. In the top drawer of the dresser, where I kept my shorts, I found a pair of pink cargo shorts, and a white top! I quickly put them on and joined mom to make dinner. With two whole days to go, I desperately wanted to keep dressing up but didn't want to ask; that left me frustrated and unhappy all evening, until mom asked me a question. "Did you figure it out yet?" "What?" "That you like being Kristen more than you want to admit?" It took me a moment, but.... "Yeah. I guess. It feels... okay, and I don't look as dumb as before." "And, I'm just guessing mind you, that you wouldn't mind spending the next few days as Kristen, would you?" "I guess not, why?" "I have accumulated almost two months of vacation days, so why don't I take a few of them, and we can spend them together, some mother and daughter time? We can get you a skirt, and maybe another top. You'll need more than that dress and those shorts, so... are you in?" "Okay, but only as long as nobody bothers me." "You'll be fine. I won't let anyone bother you, I would never do that!" "Why," I asked her very seriously, "are you doing this? I mean, do you want me to be a girl?" "No dear, I do not want you to be a girl. I like you as my son; but it's obvious to me that you have a need to get dressed up, and truthfully, I'd rather let you do it and be the one to help you, rather than have you fumbling around trying to look like a girl, and probably failing! This way I'll have at least some say, and maybe you'll find a way to cope with this! I've known about boys that want to be girls, or, at least dress up like one for a long time, so it's only new because it's you that wants to do it! If you want to quit then just say so. If you don't want to go with Ralph then don't! But, if you want to do those things, then all I'm insisting is that you do it right, and look the best that you can, and who better to help you than me?" That answered my questions, and I nodded my head yes. The next morning, mom came into my room and rousted me out of bed, telling me to shower and wash my hair; she said she would set out something for me to wear. As I scrubbed down, I wondered if I could pull it off. I knew that mom could make me look okay, it was the way girls walked, the way they used their arms and hands, sat, talked, and generally, moved. Girls were less rigid, more agile and fluid in their movements than guys. I knew that I had to try it, this might be my only chance to learn how to do it. Mom might not ever do it again. After I rubbed in the skin lotion, I went back into my room, only a towel protecting me. On the bed were the clothes. I quickly put on the panties, fixed my parts, and stepped into the padded pantybrief, and once again marveled at the way the front hook bra pulled my chest together. After I added the inserts I slipped the blouse on, then the skirt. I had not seen it before. It was tan and white checked with wide pleats, and what I thought was very short! I stepped into the flats and was just about to try my hand at makeup when mom came in. "Oh! Good. You're dressed! Lets go in my room and I'll show you how to do makeup, then I'll help you with your hair." It was the other way around. Mom wrapped my damp hair in rollers, pinning them in place with what looked like toothpicks, then sprayed on some kind of lotion. She said it would help hold the curls. Under her supervision, I added the foundation, powder, eyeliner, eyeshadow, and blush. Then she took out the rollers and brushed out my hair. She let me do some of it, like brushing out the bangs, but when we were done, I had gentle waves and a few curls that made me look even better than before! I added lipstick, and for the first time, mom gave me a small bottle of perfume to use! "Just dab it on your wrists, behind your ears, and neck honey. Don't use too much." When I was ready, she gave me a small purse that had a strap, told me what to put in it, and when I was ready, she and I left for the mall. As we walked in, the very first thing we came to was one of those kiosks that sell earrings, do piercing and so on. I already had one ear pierced, so I slowed, and finally, sat in the chair. Mom did not say a word as I had the other ear pierced, and bought a pair of gold hoops to fill the holes. It cost me ten bucks, but it was worth it, and I felt like I had earned it. As we walked around I saw so many things that I wanted to get, fancy dresses, nice shoes, pretty skirts, and daring tees, but as we passed each store, I realized that to have those things, I would have to be a girl all the time, and that wasn't going to happen. As we went into the biggest department store in the mall, mom casually asked someone about swimwear, and as we made our way there.... "I was wondering, since the reunion is going to be at the park, by the lake, maybe you would like to get a swimsuit? Just in case?" I had not even considered a swimsuit, but if we found one that fit, and hid my deficiencies, I wasn't against it, so that's where we went. Most of them were two piece, and I wasn't sure that I could wear one, so I tended to look at the one piece suits, but mom found one that she liked, and called me over. Holding it up, I saw that it was in two pieces, and started to say no, but she insisted, and I soon found myself in a changing room. The bottoms were okay, as long as I wore the padded pantybrief, but the top wasn't up to hiding my inserts, and with out the constriction of the bra, I had zero for boobs, and it showed. "I think we can fix that honey, wait here a minute." She left me standing there, returning in just a few minutes. "They have these on sale honey. They stick on, and look real enough to me. Lets try them." After I took the top off, she carefully positioned the new breast forms, holding them in place until they "set," then told me to try the top again. The difference was dramatic. I not only filled the top, I had cleavage! I looked in the mirror, and was pleasantly surprised at what I saw. Grinning, I turned, then.... "There is one more thing Kristen. If you wear that pantybrief under the suit, it'll get wet, which means that you could not wear it after you change. We could get you another one, but I think I have a better idea. The lady told me about this place that sells things for boys like you. Why don't we go find out what they do? Okay?" We drove across town to a smallish place that had a sign that said "Specialties". We went in, then mom told her why we were there. The woman merely smiled and told me to get undressed! "I need to get the color and fit exactly right honey. Please undress for me." I was in total disbelief, but mom told me to do it, and my transformation into a girl began. Lasers measured me, then she used color charts and some kind of magic as she programmed my stats into the computer, and about an hour later she told me she was ready. From behind her back, she showed it to me. It was a flesh colored pantybrief of sorts, except that when I wore it, it made me look like I have my own kitty! I would look like a girl! I took it, turned and with her help, I put on the one she gave me. I looked exactly like a girl! Complete with a smallish tuft of hair in the right place! Then came the breast forms, which looked so real it was scary. "They are made of latex and gel, so the water won't bother them, and you can wear anything any other girl could wear. They are better than those cheap forms you have because you'll actually have less on! Do you like them?" "Well, duh! Hell yes I like them!" "Your mother can help you with personal hygiene as well." And that my friends, is how I ended up looking like a girl, all over! I know for a fact that mom did not know she would find those things, and I'm not even sure why she bought them for me, but not looking a gift horse in the mouth, I kept my mouth shut and got dressed. It was an eerie sensation that panty gave me. I felt a lot more natural, and a lot less like a guy in a skirt. "It looks like you and I have to have a talk honey! I mean, girls have to be careful about how they maintain themselves! When we get home I'll give you your first lesson." I needed a lesson? On how to take care of myself? Wow! After that, she got me a pair of low heels, another skirt, and one more dress plus some pantyhose. Once, I saw a quarter on the floor and bent to pick it up when I heard mom gasp, stopping me right there. "Bend at the knees honey, unless you want to show the whole world your panties!" It was like that all day. Little tips to help me. How I sat down for example. One thing I did pick up quick was the way girls talked. In questions, and unafraid to show emotion. I did not raise the pitch of my voice, I only changed the tone a bit, and ended up sounding just like a girl my age. We went home about four in the afternoon, having exhausted ourselves shopping, only I wanted to try on more stuff. Mom said no, so I was content to get what I got, the boobs and panty the best! That's when mom showed me how to take care of business. That was nasty. Almost as soon as we got home, Ralph was at our house, but I was trying on the two piece again when mom called me. When I walked out and he saw me, his eyes popped open, his mouth went agape, and he started to fidget! I casually, in my best model walk, took the few steps towards him. "What's the matter big boy? Cat got your tongue?" "Damn! You look.... but you're not a.... how....?" "She can't tell you Ralph," mom said, "but Kristen can join you if you decide to take a swim." "Damn!" he said again, which drew a rebuke from my mother. "I just stopped by to see if you wanted to walk over and see the new ball team practice, and I just thought that you might want to go." "Yeah. Why not?" I said, feeling that there wasn't any way that someone would know about me. Ralph and I left the house as soon as I changed into my skirt and top, walking towards the park, about eight blocks away. We had gone about three blocks when I felt his hand take mine! I almost jerked my hand away, but.... "Listen," he said, "you look like a girl, you sound like a girl, you smell like a girl, and you act like a girl, so why not? I mean, you're kind of cute... and I.... um... I like you this way!" "Like a girlfriend? Are you out of your mind? You know for sure that I'm not a girl, I only look like one!" "Yeah, but damn! You look pretty fine to me! Better than Gail, that's for sure!" "Don't let her hear you say that! She'll hand you your balls on a platter!" "I wouldn't let her get close to my balls, but anyway, lets just go with it, okay?" He held my hand the entire way, and when we sat in the bleachers, he put his arm around my waist, and pulled me so that I was right up against him! I did not make a fuss because he and I knew most of the players. A few saw us and hollered up, but most did not. We stayed until we saw they were getting whipped, and left. Rather than going straight home, we walked down by the lake because that's where the swings were. There wasn't anyone there, and Ralph pushed me as the swing went higher and higher, then he went around front, and as I dismounted, he caught me, and we were face to face. Nose to nose, his arms wrapped firmly around me. Then it happened, He kissed me, right on the lips, and hard too! His tongue probed my lips as I stood there, to shocked to do anything, yet I opened my mouth and accepted him. His hand was low on my back and getting lower, so I broke away gasping at what we had done. "Why did you do that?" I cried, "now look what you've done!" "What? All I did was kiss you!" "But I'm your best friend! I'm a boy like you!" "No Kristen, you're not a boy like me. You're a girl now and you know it, so why not?" "But I have to be myself when we go back to school! I can't go like this! I'll be myself in a few days, so why did you do that?" "A few days? No way! You like being a girl to much for that! You might change when school starts, but not before then, that's for sure!" "No way! I only did this for you! For that family party!" "Right. And pigs fly. If that was the only reason, why do you have boobs now, and what happened to your equipment? It sure looked to me like you have a.... snatch, so this isn't for me, it's a lot more than that! You know what I think? I think that you really do want to be a girl but are afraid to say so!" "What if I do?" "Then there isn't any reason for you to not let me kiss you is there?" He had neatly run me in a circle until I admitted that I wanted to be a girl, leaving me with nothing I could say that sounded the least bit plausible, so, with a sigh, I gave up. I wasn't going to win anyway. But I did not let him kiss me again. He did hold my hand on the way home, but I was more confused than ever! He was right, I wasn't doing it for him, I was doing it for myself, and I loved it; I loved being pretty, and all the rest, and I did want to be a girl, but when he kissed me, everything I thought I knew about myself went directly into that tailspin called confusion. It wasn't as if I didn't like it, I did. It was the fact that he thought of me that way! Me! His best friend in the whole world, almost from birth, and he wanted to kiss me? By the time I got home I was really worked up, almost in tears as I fought those alien feelings. I was sure that I didn't like guys, but when he kissed me my whole body tingled in delight. Either it was confirmation that my transformation not only really good, and I wanted to be a girl more than anything, or Ralph had a crush on me. There wasn't anything in the middle that I could think of. I ran in the house, leaving him standing outside, breaking into tears the minute the door shut. Sobbing like a baby, I ran to my room and slammed the door. Within minutes mom came in. I was laying on the bed crying. "What's the matter? Did Ralph hurt you?" "He kissed me!" I sobbed. "He kissed you? And that's why your crying? But why?" "He knows, that I'm a... but he says that I...." "I see! You think that because he knew you before, that he should ignore what he sees now?" Mom sat down on the bed next to me. "He can't honey. Guys only see what they see. They can't look back very well; he sees a pretty girl, is attracted to her, and took action! That's what guys do Kristen! It's nothing you did or didn't do, it's the way he is! It's the way all guys are! Now, tell me. Kissing him wasn't so bad was it? I mean, it was a one time thing, right? So why get into such a bother about it?!" I said nothing. Taking my face in her hands, "What else did he do, or say?" It all came out. How he thought that I liked being a girl to much to quit, even after the party, how I sounded like a girl, smelled like a girl, and acted like a girl, and that I was kind of cute. I told him that he didn't care about anyone but himself! That drew a laugh. "Honey, men are like that! All of them are like that when they want some affection! It's not just Ralph!" She paused, then added... "I know he's right, you like it, I see it on your face, so tell me, what really has you upset?" Again, I said nothing. "I see! You do like it! You like being a girl more than you want to admit, even to yourself! That's it isn't it?" "I guess," I said through the sobs. "I could let you stay this way until school starts, but you'll have to go back as yourself. I won't put you in danger by allowing you to go to school this way. Is that okay?" "Yeah," I said softly. "Alright then, lets stop this crying. From now until school starts, you are a girl; but boys kiss girls, so be prepared, because I doubt that Ralph will simply quit. He likes you, and there is nothing better than having a close friend that adores you! That love he had for you before has become something else honey, something more like a serious attraction for a girl he also likes a lot. Trust me honey, having a great friend is better than anything." I finally settled down when the realization hit me. I was girl, Ralph was boy, and he was after me. I needed a shower, so I undressed and looked in the mirror. The latex panty looked fine, with not even a thin seam could be seen! There was nothing that gave away the fact that it was a very special panty. My boobs just hung there from my chest, heavy without the bra to hold them up, but nice anyway. My boobs were an A cup, not real big, yet looked perfect on me. I went in the shower and just soaked away my fears and doubts. As I washed myself and felt the new parts, I had a flash of excitement deep within myself, as if Mr. Happy was, well, happy. I checked with my hand, and felt nothing but the thin slit that defined the new me. As I got dressed in shorts and a top without a bra, I left my hair damp, and not planning on going anywhere, did not put on any makeup. I simply wanted to play on my computer, and fill my logbook with everything that had happened to me. I stayed in my room writing until dinner, then went back to it. I filled lots of pages with my thoughts, feelings, and even wrote that kissing Ralph was exciting. Not being a total dunce, I knew that he wanted to get into my pants, simply because that's what guys do with girls. Try to get them to put out. I wouldn't do that, but I knew that was the aim. Just about bed time mom came in and gave me a nightgown. I slept in it that night, with the full knowledge that the next day would start my first day as a girl full time. At least until school started in three months. Mom told me to wear the sun dress, so when I was dressed, she and I went outside and she started taking pictures with her new toy, the digital camera. I stood, sat, posed in various ways, had several close ups done, plus some where I held up the hem of my dress. When she filled the memory card she went in the house, leaving me outside. I looked back at Gail's house, wondering how she was, and decided to find out. She was going to find out about me anyway, and I wanted to be the one to tell her. I walked around the block away from Ralph's house, ringing the bell when I got to Gail's. To my surprise, she answered the door! "Yes?" "Hi Gail. You know me, but I've changed a bit." "Ohmygod! You look fantastic! Come inside!" "Are you okay? I don't want to catch anything...." "I'm fine now. Come inside." Once I was inside.... "Damn girl! You look great, but what's the deal? Why are you dressed this way?" Other than Ralph, Gail was my next best friend, and that's why I told her that I liked doing it, and that mom had bought things that let me look and feel like a girl, plus some clothes. "And that's why I'm dressed this way, but you can't tell anyone... okay?" "Sure. It'll be nice not being the only girl around here. We can do a lot of stuff that he guys don't like to do!" "Has Ralph hit on you yet?" "Yeah, but... he didn't get very far." "How far?" "He kissed me." "That's nothing! Fred tried to get his hand in my pants once!" "Fred?! Mild mannered Fred, The class nerd?!" "Yeah, he's a nerd, but he's also a guy, and he got carried away I guess." Just about then Gail's mom came home. "Mom? This is Kristen? She'll be here for the summer." "Hello dear. Now maybe Gail will have someone to do things with!" "Yeah! I've got that girls club thing to go to, maybe you would like to go with me?" "Maybe. I'll have to ask." "Lets go then! We can walk over there, then get some ice cream on the way home!" The girls club had about 30 members, about half were there, and when we got there I realized that I knew most of them! Thankfully, they did not recognize me, and I sat and waited until the meeting was over. Gail was very cool about my change, and did not seem to care at all. If anything, she liked it I think, because, like she said, she wouldn't be the only girl in the neighborhood. We got our ice cream and started home. "You don't look very much like yourself; a little, but not enough for anyone to tell. None of those other girls knew who you were, so that's a good thing, right?" "That's what I was hoping for." Gail and I walked home, then I went home myself. On the outside I looked like your average 14 year old girl, but on the inside I was in total turmoil. I loved the fact that mom was letting me dress up, it had always been a fantasy of mine, yet there were parts of me that also liked being a boy. It was those minor things, like using the bathroom. Girls had more to do than guys. All I ever did was unzip and let fly; as a girl, I felt like I was getting undressed. Guys just got dressed and went where they wanted to go, while girls had to do hair and makeup, select an outfit, and so on. I didn't really care about the time it took because I was getting what I wanted, yet I felt like I had this push/pull thing going on inside. Gail, and other girls, had no experience being anything but girls, so they simply accepted things the way they were. I, on the other hand, knew both, so I could see the advantages boys have, as well as the advantages girls have. My mother, for reasons of her own, had let me do this; I knew what she said, and recognized the tone in her voice as a truthful one, yet I could not see Ralph's mother letting him do it. Never. It did not take a genius or great insight to figure out that my mother was being overly indulgent, or, she had other reasons for allowing me to pretend to be a girl, even to the point of buying specialty things for me. Being in the room full of girls had allowed me to see how they acted when they were all together, with no boys around, and at times, how silly they seemed, what with all the arm waving and shrieking. Sitting on my bed, I wondered if I, like those girls, could be that way. Just being able to get dressed up was a thrill beyond my wildest dreams, but I was beginning to feel as if I couldn't do it. When I was with Gail and those other girls, I felt somehow out of place. I had none of the experiences they did. No dolls, no frilly lace dresses growing up, no experience with boys, and no sense of what it means to be a girl. The idea that they are beautiful and would be mothers some day is entrenched in them at an early age. I had none of that. As I looked over at my reflection, to see the girl that I had come to look like; I both loved her, and hated her. I felt guilty loving her, because she was everything I wasn't, and could do those things that were forbidden to the old me. On the other hand, I hated her because she had taken over my life. Dresses and bras, panties and shoes, makeup and earrings, they all became symbols of my desires, yet also, a tether that harnessed me to her with a force that I could not break. I knew, because I looked it up, that boys like me never lose their enthusiasm for the feminine; to dress, walk, talk, and act like females. Starting young and lasting a lifetime, I would forever be saddled with the desires that led me to be dressed this way. In effect, I had reached, at a very young age, the point where I had to decide. Boy, or girl, joy or guilt. If I chose to go back to being a boy, could I attain the status I had before this? If I decided to become the girl I saw in the mirror, could I become so feminine that return was impossible? Or, could I do both? Boy at school and with family, girl all the other times it was available. Then there was Ralph. Why wasn't he angry with me? Why did he accept me as a girl so quickly? And why did he seem to be attracted to me? He was my best friend, we shared everything. And why did I let him take me anywhere? Was it the simple excitement of the moment; that first time that I could go someplace with another and actually be the girl he saw? I wanted to confront my mother about it, but I knew, somehow, that her answers would not satisfy me. She would simply tell me to quit if I had doubts. But if I quit, then I would be back at my starting point, still saddled with the same desires that led me to wear that dress! I had to talk to someone that would not lie to me. Someone that would tell it like it is, and help me understand what was happening to me. There was only one person in the whole world like that, but for me to ask her, I would have to tell her everything. I sat there trying to work up the courage to tell her, to ask her why I felt that way. Finally, I picked up the phone and called. She said that she would be home the next day, and told me to come over. I had to go as the girl I had become, or she would never see, or understand the problem I was struggling with. So, if I had to go as a girl, then I damned well was not going to let her see me as a fool in a dress; I was going to have to look as perfect as I could, and get ready without help. Those small hairs I had removed had started to come back, so that was where I would start. I would become the epitome of femininity, and her name was Kristen. Mom and I ate dinner early, then I went in my room to prepare for my debut, with the one other person I loved dearly, my Grandmother. I call her Nana. I used that cream hair remover again, washed it off, then filled the tub with bubblebath. Using mom's razor, I shaved every inch of skin that I could reach, including under my arms. I had to wear that special panty since I could not get it off, and really didn't want to take the chance that I might ruin it. Then I washed my hair. I felt somehow refreshed. I had accepted the fact that she just might throw me out, but I doubted that. It was sort of like facing the firing squad. You knew that you were going to die, yet you hoped they would all miss. I stood there in front of the mirror, trying to set in those rollers like mom had done, and failed. I simply did not know how to do it. I had no choice, so I asked mom to help me. I did not tell her what I planned, I only asked her to help me "so that I'll look nice". After she was done and I was alone in my room, I slipped the nightgown over my head and lay on the bed. I was exhausted from all of the mental anguish I was going through, yet determined to get my answers. I awoke early the next morning, had breakfast, and as soon as mom left for work, began my transformation. I decided to wear a sundress, and as I slipped on the panties, I felt a surge of confidence within myself. I put on the makeup very carefully, not to much, yet some of everything. Foundation and powder, blusher and eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipstick, even perfume. I slipped the dress over my head and zipped it up, feeling the tightness of the fit as it flowed over me. I brushed out my hair after removing the rollers, used hairspray and a brush to make it as nice as I could before I slipped the dangle earrings into the new holes. The two straps over my bare shoulders, the square cut neckline and the shortness of the dress combined to allow me to think that I had a chance with Nana. The pantyhose made my legs look sleek and smooth, and maybe look a bit more feminine. I wore the low heels with the same handbag that matched the shoes as I walked out of the house, then towards my fate. Nana lived across town, which meant that I had to walk about ten blocks before I reached her neighborhood, and another three to get to her house. Along the way I practiced how I walked, and used my arms. On the outside I looked like a calm young lady on a mission; on the inside however, I was a quivering mass of nerves. I had no idea what she would say, or do, when she saw me. As I walked along I saw other people, some waved, some smiled, but most just went about their business. As I turned the corner and could see the house, I began to feel that tremor of fear coming back, but it was too late for that. I was committed. I walked up on the porch, and with a painted finger, rang the bell. It seemed like an eternity before she opened the door. Her initial reaction was a smile, something I did not count on. "Kristen! How nice to finally meet you! Come inside and we can talk." Kristen? How did she know my name? "I made some nice sweet rolls honey. Lets sit out on the patio and you can tell me what's going on." It all came out, in a rush, almost all one word I think. All of my questions about myself, those fears and doubts, Ralph and Gail, and mom of course. Everyone seemed to accept me, yet the question was why? I had to know why I loved being a girl so much, and why I was driven to take so many chances to be what I wasn't. I had tears in my eyes when I finished, positive that she would think I was crazy, or stupid, weird, or all three. "Kristen, honey, you are not the first, nor will you be the last boy to feel this way! This has been going on for centuries! I cannot tell you why you feel this way, only that you are not the only one! Your mother called and told me what was going on, so I wasn't all that surprised to see you all dressed up this morning. I am surprised at how lovely you are! As far as your mother goes, I know for a fact that she is only trying to help you understand what's happening. She helped you because you needed help, and for no other reason that I know of. I know that she is very concerned for your safety since so many people are against what you're doing, and that's why she bought things for you, and that might seem to make it look like she has other reasons for allowing you to do this. To dress this way I mean. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed of being who you are, but you must realize that if you do anything less than your very best, it could lead to someone harming you. If, in your heart, you know that this is what you want, then you have to say so! You have to say to me, your mother, your friends, and especially yourself, that this, the girl I have sitting here in front of me, is the person that you really are. If it isn't, then you can go home, change clothes, and carry on like before." I started to say something, but she held up her hand to stop me. "I know that there are men that like to play dress up on the weekends, and they may even have clubs they belong to or places they can go, but they never achieve the full meaning of what it's like to be a woman, no matter how much they want to know, simply because they cannot devote the time. They have families, jobs, and so on that impact on that decision, and many cannot, or will not, risk everything just to satisfy an urge that won't go away! Boys like you however, those that feel they are girls, and have the chance to explore that part of themselves, can become young ladies, and maybe even women, but only if they have the nerve, and the willingness to do it. I don't know why your friends have reacted the way they have, maybe they already sensed that you should have been a girl. Maybe they simply don't care because they love you and care about you. I do know that I would not push them away. They can be the building blocks you'll need as you make new friends." Nana took both of my hands in hers. "Honey, you have to know that there is no right or wrong here. It's not black and white! It has never been wrong for a male to like the softer side of life, or maybe even want to be a female, and it's always right to seek out the truth, even if it hurts, like it does for you right now. I also want you to know that neither your mother or I are disappointed in you. You were strong enough to tell your mother, then your friends, and now me. Now you need to be strong enough to decide what is right for you. You are the only one that can make that decision. "But... I don't know!" "Yes, you do. You already know the answer. You're just afraid to listen to what your heart is telling you." I started weeping, tears that lubricated my inner turmoil in ways that I had not expected. I had always wanted to be a girl. To have my own dolls, play mommy, dress in nice dresses, to wear makeup, and not always be so concerned about doing any of those things. I had been able, for a short time, to realize some of what it's like to be a girl, yet there was so much more, and that scared me. Dating for example. I wasn't convinced that was something I wanted to do, and I had never been attracted to boys. After attending that meeting with Gail, and seeing how the girls were with each other, my doubts only grew larger, and more intense. Girls were more fluid in their movements as well as their relationships, while guys were less vocal about things, but more boisterous. There was so much that I did not understand about girls, yet I wanted to understand. I wanted to be like them, to feel like them, to act like they did. It was a feeling that was sometimes overwhelming, and sometimes a huge weight on my shoulders. That was the problem. Nana sat there holding my hands softly, no terror in her eyes, no hatred, no disillusionment, only love and concern. That was why I wanted to talk to her. She was the voice of reason within the chaos I had created. She would always love me, no matter what, but unlike my mother, she bore none of the weight of the day to day problems my wearing a dress was making. As my tears were wiped away, I felt a sense of relief come washing over me. I squeezed her hands tightly as I looked into her face, that calm, placid face that I loved so dearly. I had my answer, but could I act on it? Could I jump feet first into the well of society and make them believe that I am what I seemed to be and survive, or would I go up in the flames of shameful doubt and hatred. "Kristen," Nana said softly, "you cannot make this decision on your own. You have to tell your mother how you feel, and make her believe that whatever you decide, it is the best for you. She understands your need, but she doesn't know that this is what you want to do all the time." How in the hell did she know that?!! "Can you tell her?" "I don't know! She'll think that I'm..." "She is your mother Kristen! She is not some ogre! She might not understand the depths of your feelings because you haven't told her, have you?" "No." "I can't tell her honey. It has to be you. I can be there if you like, but I can't, and I won't, tell her." I sat there like a lump, unable to respond. "I'm not even sure that she could get you enrolled in school this way! What if you had to attend as a boy and only become Kristen on the weekends. How would that make you feel?" "Scared," I said without thinking. "Scared of what?" "Making a mistake! If I were a girl all the time, then minor mistakes would be ignored. If I did it on the weekend, then everyone would figure it out and I'd be mincemeat at school! I would never be accepted... by anyone!" "So... your solution is to be a girl all of the time, simply because your scared?" "I guess, I don't think I could take it if someone found out. Nobody would ever talk to me again, and the guys at school would crucify me! I'd be lucky to just get through the first week!" "Okay," she said calmly, "say you attend school as a girl. What about the PE classes? The dances? The proms? Just how did you plan on getting around those? PE is mandatory in this state, and you would be required to go, and that leads to locker rooms and showers and so on. I would imagine that getting naked in a room full of other girls might be stressful, unless you know how to either get around it or look like them. Do you know how to do that?" "Yes," I said suddenly, "I do know how to do that; it's expensive, but it has already been done. Mom already bought me a special panty that makes me look like a girl, and is fully functional. And, it's virtually undetectable! I could get by with what I have." "I see! So you have done your research!" "I had to know Nana! I know a lot of things about how to do this. She doesn't have to buy anything better, so why bother?" "I.... I guess, I have one now, but they make a much better one that is almost perfect. I would have periods and everything you and mom do! And like you said, I would do what's in my heart." "And be a girl all the time." "Yeah, I guess I would." "Then maybe it's time to tell your mother?" "I'll tell her tonight I guess." "No dear, now is the time. I'll call her and see if she can stop by. That way I'll be here for you." It had happened. Nana, using her impeccable logic, had drawn a circle around the problem, and let me solve it myself, albeit with a nudge in the right direction. Her manner of speaking, the total lack of recrimination, and her obvious thought process all lead me in one direction; the only direction I wanted to take, but one that I was so afraid of admitting. I knew without anyone telling me, that to even attempt to be a girl full time was filled with so many pitfalls that I couldn't count them, yet I had no choice. I was driven by an unseen force that swallowed me whole, then spit out what Nana saw, a scared boy desperately anxious about his dressing like a girl. If my mother accepted what I was about to tell her, and even if she agreed to spend vast sums of money to help me achieve it, there were other issues to be solved. Kristen did not legally exist for example, and even if that was taken care of, I still had to fit in. I had to become as flexible in my way of life as girls are; I would have to lose all fear of being discovered, not because it would not happen, but because my brain was still male, at least for now. Seeing other girls naked wasn't bothering me, I could see all the naked girls I wanted on the Internet. It was having them see me. As I sat there and those thoughts ran through my mind, I suddenly realized that it wouldn't be the other girls I had to be afraid of, it was me! In a locker room for example, they would be just as shy about themselves as I would be, and would not be looking at me strangely unless I gave them reason to! But some girls knew how to sew, or knit, or do other things that girls do, and I knew squat about any of that! They also knew how to make boys notice them, or make them go away. Again, I knew zero about those things. It was a blur as a torrent of other issues that I didn't know anything about raced through my mind, yet I could not stop, not once I said that I wanted to be a girl full time. Nana and I sat there for a while, then she got us some sodas. I sat there sipping on my drink, trying to think of a way that I could tell my mother the truth, and after that, Ralph and Gail. I did not want to ruin our friendship, and I really did not want him to hate me. In a way, telling mom would be a relief. Telling Ralph wouldn't. Nana told me to fix my makeup, so I went in the bath and washed up, and reapplied my makeup, making sure that I looked just as good as when I left that morning. I did not want mom to think I wasn't able to take care of myself. She showed up around three, a good two hours before her quitting time. I stayed put as Nana led her to where I was sitting. I almost started to cry right then, but managed to hold it in as mom sat across from me. There wasn't going to be any way to gently lead into it, so.... "I want to be a girl," I said softly, "full time, all the time, in school and everything." "I already knew that honey, I was just waiting for you to tell me." "But how could you know!? I didn't know until today!" "I think you knew it all along Kristen; you were just afraid to accept it." Mom held my hand in hers, smiled, and said... "Now all we have to do is find a way to let you be a girl, right?" "She told me," Nana said, "that she knows how to look so good that she could use the locker room, just like the other girls, and they wouldn't know!" "Is that true? I thought that we had bought the best! I mean, you can't have periods right now, but the rest is perfect! What can be better than that?!" "There is one that is better than this one mom, it's on the Internet mom. Anyone can find it, but it's real expensive." "And you thought that we can't afford it?" "Yeah." "If I let you do this, and I'm not even sure that I will, then I will expect more from you. Girls are not usually as messy as you are, so you'll have to keep your room neat at all times, help around the house a bit more, and while I understand your lack of skills doing your own hair, I want you to learn how take care of yourself! I won't always be there to do it for you!" "So... you're not mad at me?" "No dear, I'm not angry. I'm just surprised that you feel this way. I can't think of one advantage girls have over boys, and I can't understand why you want to give all that up!" "But I don't have all those advantages," I said loudly, "I'm not old enough to have them!" That brought a giggle from Nana. "That may be true," mom said, "but, you do realize that by doing this, that everything you think you know is going to be turned upside down and inside out?" "Huh?" "I'll bet that after a few months of having to take the time to look nice, doing your hair and makeup every day, living with the fact that as a girl, you cannot do many of the things you used to do, like hang out at that club you boys have, or just up and leave with Ralph. He'll want to do things with the guys, and you won't be invited; you'll be left out because you're a girl. And speaking of Ralph, what about him? He is as close to you as a brother. Even if he can he accept this change in you, he is a male, and eventually he will become a young man, one that will look on you not as a brother, but a possible mate!" "But he knows me! He knows that I couldn't.... wouldn't...." "He might know right now honey, but after a year? Maybe two? By then he'll have forgotten what you were, and only see a young lady; And as far as that "I wouldn't," and "I couldn't," goes, you will do it, because that's what girls do. Either that or you'll be sitting home alone for the rest of your life." Mom sat back and looked at me. "I want to see pictures of these things you say you know about before I make any decision, but I'm warning you, if I agree to this, there will be no going back. Once you have those products you mentioned, and if they as good as they claim, you will be a girl from that moment on, and you will be one until you are old enough to make those legal decisions for yourself, which by my calculations, will be seven years. I can't have you going back and forth. You have to be one or the other, a boy, or a girl." "So... I can try it?" "No dear," mom said softly, "there will be no try. You'll simply be a boy one day and a girl the next. There can't be any "try". It'll simply be the way it is, and like the rest of us girls, you'll learn how to cope with everything about being a girl. Think of it as a sort of a learn as you go program." There it was. My chance to be the girl I dreamed of, the girl I had seen in the mirror, all I had to do was say that's what I wanted. However, once I did, I would forever be that girl, because even I knew that after seven years, there wouldn't be any going back, and all of us knew it. Playing dress up like I had been doing was almost enough, and I wondered if, by being a full time girl, that I would feel the rest. Neither mom nor Nana had told me to do one or the other, they only pointed out the difficulties, leaving the decision to me alone. I thought about what she said about Ralph, wondering how he could ever think of me as a girl, but set that aside as I envisioned myself getting ready each day, how I would fit in with the other kids. Would I be just another girl or an object of derision. If the claims I saw on the Internet were true, then I would be safe from ridicule, only Ralph and Gail knowing the truth, and I just knew that I could trust them. While mom said that she would leave the decision to me, it was only with her approval. I could not make a decision like that without her. My mind was swirling with visions of the problems I might encounter, the hatred, the violence, the total lack of friends. Yet through all that, I knew that I didn't have a choice. I wanted to become a girl more than anything, and I was hoping that the appliances mom wanted to see were as good as advertised. Otherwise I would be relegated to being a weekend girl, and that's only if I were lucky. We sat there quietly for a while as I tried to figure out just how I would tell Ralph. Gail would be easier because she was excited to have another girl in the area. Ralph however would lose his best buddy, the one that he did everything with. I could only hope that any resentment he felt would not result in his telling anyone of my true status. Mom and I went home, silent in our own thoughts. Like me in a way, mom was trapped within a dilemma. She could tell me no of course and that would be the end of it, except she knew that would make me miserable. If she allowed me to go forward she would have to cope with many, possibly even most, of the other issues that would rise from my being a boy one day and a girl the next. A legal name change, school records, health records, her friends that knew me, and the rest of our small family. That, and hold a job, be a mother, as well as being the only person I could confide in. Even though I was only 14, I wasn't so dumb that I couldn't figure that out, and for my own reassurance, once we were safely in the house, I asked her. "Yes," she said quietly, "it will be very hard on all of us, but while I want to, I just can't bring myself to tell you that what you want is wrong! I don't know that it is! I did some research, and I do know that you could grow up being ashamed of who you are, afraid to admit anything about your desires. I also know that there are many boys like you out there, some even manage to do what you want to do, but most have to wait until they are 18 and out of school. Some are really pretty, most get by, and a few look absolutely stunning! I do not want you to suffer, but also, I am afraid that the life you think you'll have, won't be the one you dreamed of, and when that happens, I do not want you to become.... reclusive, and unwilling to try new things. Is this what I thought you would be when you grew up? No. Am I unhappy about this? No. I am appalled to find out that my son wants to be a girl, but setting that aside, I am scared that you will lose friends, and maybe even your faith in yourself, and that would be the worst thing I can imagine. If you have even the slightest doubt, then you should not do this honey. You need to be very confident that by taking this step, that it is the best thing for you. I'll help, and even though I am very concerned, I said that I would, but you have to be strong enough to hold your head high and be proud to be a young lady. Can you do that?" "I can try," I said, but if those things are as good as they say, then won't that be enough?" "No dear. Anyone can wear a dress, that's the easy part. You have to know, right down to your core, deep inside, that you are a girl and be proud of yourself. You have to accept the limitations girls have, as well as the good things. Being safe is more than just a special panty, it's knowing how to be aware of your surroundings. You would not simply walk out at night, alone in a strange place, and risk rape or worse would you? Of course not. You will suffer through boyfriends that promise one thing and give another, girls that pretend to be your friend, all while trying to undermine you. Standing in long lines to use the facility isn't fun, yet a visit to the salon is. Spending half an hour getting ready sucks, the way guys look at you isn't. There are many things about being a female that are fun, and just as many that are not, so the question for you is, can you accept all of them, be the person you really are, and be happy at the same time." How could I answer any of that!? "When boys reach puberty," mom added, "they get bigger, fill out, grow beards and so on, none of which you want, especially if you're a girl! I found out in my research that a doctor can prescribe medication that will stop that from happening, and at the same time force your body to develop as any girls would, including the growth of hips and boobs. I'm sure that you're not going to fight that from that happening, but it does mean that before we order, or get you fitted for anything, our first trip is going to be to the doctors office. If he agrees with my assessment, and lets you take the pills, then we'll get you fitted. If he says no and has a valid medical reason, then you'll just have to wait until you're 18. I can't change that. That is as fair as I can be." And that was how it was. Mom refused to let me get the appliances until the doctor saw me, which was a week into the future, which meant that I could not tell anyone that I was about to become a girl, because I wasn't sure that he would allow it. Ralph came over and found me dressed as a girl, and rather than ask me to hang out, he wandered away, giving me my first taste of what it was going to be like. Ralph was on his way to do things that he and I would normally do together. Mom was no help, as all she did was shrug her shoulders as if to tell me "I told you so." On the day of the reunion I was extra careful when I got ready. Because mom had insisted that I remove that special panty she bought, I was using a tip I found on line, I very carefully taped myself in a way that hid my parts completely, then put on the padded pantybrief, the panties after that. I wore a pair of shorts that fit me snugly, and a plain pink top. The bra I had on was a soft cup, with the front hook, and some extra padding. As soon as I had my shoes on I fixed my makeup, put my hair into a ponytail, added hoop earrings and some lipstick, then went to see if mom was ready. She and I were waiting as Ralph came to the door, and we left. His mom drove, Ralph and I sitting in the back of the car. He didn't say much, but he kept looking at me, with a sort of sideways glance. "What?" "Nothing," he said, "I was just...looking, that's all." "And?" "You look nice, that's all. Different, but nice." We did not talk much more, but when we got to the lake, and were out of the car, he grabbed my hand and led me to the dock area. I had no idea what he was up to. "Kristen, I ahh, you look so... I don't know why, but I want to ahhhh.... be with you." "You are silly! I'm right here!" He and I walked a bit further, losing sight of the crowds around the tables. Ralph still held my hand as I stepped upon a huge rock, stumbling a bit. As he caught me we were face to face, nose to nose, his arm around my waist, holding me tight. Suddenly, he kissed me, right on the mouth! He jerked back as if even he was shocked at what he had done. I just stood there for a moment, then he pulled me bit close. "The hell with it," he said, and kissed me again, not pulling away like the first time. Once again he managed to shake me to my sneakers, and I broke away, running a short distance before I stopped to look at him. He looked the same to me, but he was grinning! "Why did you do that!? You know I'm not a.... that I shouldn't.... don't do that again!" "I couldn't help myself! You're just so, and you look so.... cute!" "Just don't do that again!" "Okay! Okay! Calm down." I ran back towards the tables and helped mom and Janet set out the plates and food and so on. They sat to talk, so I wandered inside. There, right in the middle of the room, was a grand piano! I wasn't expecting that. I wandered over, then sat down, opening the front keyboard cover and gently fingered the keys. Assuming that nobody would mind, I played "Memories", followed by "Send in the clowns". Years of practice gave me a bit of skill, so I didn't butcher the tunes to badly. I liked show tunes, and had learned many of them by heart. As I finished playing, I turned to see several people standing there! "Go ahead and play honey," a lady said, "you're very good!" I played another, then stood up to leave. "You're quiet good young lady," an older man said, "not quite perfect, but very good!" "Thanks," I said softly. "Lots of practice." "I'll bet! If you had the music sheets, can you play Strauss? Chopin? Maybe Mozart?" "I can try, but I like show tunes better. They have more... life?" "I agree. Let me get you some music. Lets see how you manage; okay?" "Sure!" He was the very first person to ever tell me that my music had merit, beyond my instructor or family! I did not do recitals nor did I play for others very often. My music was a haven. It was where I retreated when I was nervous or worried. Music has no gender, no inference other than the notes on the page, and nobody cares what you wear. They only want to hear the music. Sadly, up to that point I had been so caught up in the struggle to find myself that I had neglected playing. Being self absorbed does not lead to relaxation. He sat the music in front of me and I began to play. The tempo of the music drew me inward and I forgot all about my worries, Ralph kissing me and everything else. I played Tales from the Vienna Woods. It was the kind of music that makes you sway back and forth, think of huge ballrooms and beautifully dressed people. I lost a few notes, hit a few bad ones, but on the whole, I was very happy with my rendition. As I finished, I looked up and saw that the entire room was packed with people! I just know that I turned beet red. "That was delightful young lady! What's your name?" "Kristen," I said. "You have the makings of a fine pianist my dear! Very fine!" "Thank you!" I saw Ralph making his way to the front of the crowd, and quickly joined him as he led me outside. He and I found a place to sit, and began to gorge ourselves on hot dogs and melon, chips and pie. "You drew quite a crowd in there," mom said as she sat down across from us. "You played very well. I know that everyone liked it!" "I liked it too mom. I think I need that." "Maybe you'll play again? After you eat?" "Maybe." Ralph had other ideas however. He wanted me to go down to the lake again! I said I would, but only if he behaved himself, and he promised he would, so we left. On the way, he told me that he had always enjoyed listening to me play. "You haven't touched a piano since this all started, the day I caught you all dressed up I mean. Why?" "I had other things to think about that seemed more important." "That guy? The one that asked you to play? You know who he is?" "No, why? Should I?" "He's my great uncle or something. He's retired from the city orchestra. He was the first chair violinist for years. He knows a lot about music, and he knows a lot of people." "So?" "All I'm saying is that if he thinks you're good, you can take that as a huge vote for how well you play!" "I'm average at best Ralph, he was just being kind." He dropped it and we walked down to the lake. That fourth cousin of his, the one that bothered him last time was there; she was decked out in a bikini that didn't fit her all that well. She had a... robust figure. Big boobs, wide hips, and chunky legs, the kind of figure that does not lend itself to a bikini. She saw us and stood up, but Ralph steered me away from her, towards the same rock where he had kissed me. He and I just sat there for awhile, then.... "Is this the new you? What I mean is, are you going to dress like a girl all the time now?" "I don't know yet." "Yet?" "Yeah. My mom wants me to talk to someone first." "Well, I think you look nice myself." "I already know what you think Ralph!" "Yeah, and I know that Gail is excited too. She hates being the only girl in the neighborhood." "We'll see. I don't know yet." We stayed there a while, then wandered back to the food tables again, and after a bit of urging, I agreed to play again. As I sat down at the piano, Ralph stood right beside me. As always, I caressed the keys before playing one of my all time favorites, Send in the Clowns, written by Stephen Sondheim for the musical A Little Night Music. Before I could even start people started to filter in, quietly standing there waiting for me to play! Once my fingers hit the keys I was taken to another place; I let the music envelope me as I played, drifting away on that wonderful tune, the words forming in my mind. When I was done, I left the house and found mom. I told her that I wanted to go home. "But why? It's so nice here, and it seems that you're having a good time!" "I... that song I just played? It sort of reminded me that I'm a clown! I'm all dressed up, with makeup and a costume!" "I think," mom said softly, "that you put to much emphasis on what you aren't rather than what you are! For one thing, you play very well and you know it, and as far as I could tell, nobody cared what you had on! They don't know, and frankly, they could not have cared less! However, if this is how you feel, that this is a farce, then maybe you should just quit?" "No.... I'm just.... Ralph kissed me mom! Right on the mouth too!" "I did warn you that he would start to see you in a different way didn't I? It seems that I was right." "But he's my best friend! He knows!" "Lets talk about this later honey. For now, why don't you just sit here with me?" I sat there with mom for a bit, then the older gentleman sat down next to me. "You have great potential young lady, you truly have the ear." "She," mom said, "usually practices quite a bit, but lately we have had other things to do, so she hasn't had the time lately." "I sit on a committee that is planning to host a talent show of sorts for teenagers that have shown that they have the ability to play. I would like to submit your name as one of our contestants. I'll be your sponsor if you like." "This is a great honor," mom said in an excited tone. "I have to discuss it my mom first." My real reason was that unless the doctor said that I could continue, I could not play because he would be expecting a girl! "That's fine. Here's my card, just call me, but don't wait to long." Later that night, when we were at home, mom brought it up, my playing that is. I told her why I didn't jump at the chance. "We only have a few days until you see the doctor, so we'll wait until after that, but I'm sure that he would want you to compete anyway. I could explain it to him." "I don't want anyone else to know mom!" "Lets just see what the doctor has to say first." The days seemed to drag by as I waited for my fate to be decided; it was total agony to know that he could inflate or dash my dreams with a single word, and I looked back to my music for solace. Picking a sheet at random, I got the music from Cabaret, both the words and music. As I started to play I read the words. Several stanzas hit me between the eyes. The words seemed to lift my spirits in ways that I had not felt before. I did want to get out and enjoy life as I wanted it, and not stay home in my room. I wanted to be seen as a talented, beautiful young lady, one that was unafraid to be herself. That was the dream anyway. But to get there, I had to become that girl before anything else could be true. As the music filled the house I saw mom come in and sit down, just listening to me play. When the song was over I stood up, smiled, and bowed. I was tired, so I went in my room and took a shower, carefully removing that tape. It was starting to itch, and the doctor would want to examine me anyway. After a long hot bubblebath I lay on my bed, wondering what would happen the next morning. I would know before lunch. I ate very little, and went to bed early. The next morning I very carefully selected what to wear. Full cut panties so he would not think that I was an "easy," girl, the soft cup bra, a half slip and one petticoat. Pantyhose of course, then the sundress. I liked the way it fit me. By the time I was done getting ready I was confident that I looked as good as I ever did. My hair was up in a ponytail, held with a blue scrunchie. My earrings were blue and white, and I wore the low white heels. The time had come for me to see the doctor. Mom led the way into the office. I sat and waited while she took care of things. I had to wait almost half an hour until she and I were ushered into his office. He looked me over from head to toe without saying a word. "I understand that this is your son?" "Yes," mom answered. "I can see for myself that she wants to be a girl, but can she and I talk? Alone?" After mom left.... "Now then. Tell me all about it. From the beginning please." That took the better part of an hour as I told him how I started dressing up in mom's clothes when I was little, and later, using money I earned, buying my own clothes. I told him that when I was dressed I felt somehow complete. I went through the litany of things that made me feel that I should have been a girl, including how I felt when Ralph kissed me. "Did you like it?" "It... it wasn't bad, it's just that he's my best friend! I was shocked, that's all." "I would imagine," he said slowly. "Your mother tells me that you know a lot about this issue, so you are aware that it is rare, very rare, for a boy your age to go through a transition like this?" I nodded my head yes. "And you are willing to do this, on your own? You're not being forced or anything like that?" "No way! This is.... Mom wouldn't!" "Okay, lets get you into an examination room then." After being poked, prodded, weighed, and measured, he finally had both mom and I together in his office. "I know that you are thinking of using the Mark6 panty, and that is a wonderful option of course, but I have another option for you to consider, one that will allow her to grow, and feel, more natural. I have a friend that is doing a study on young people that want to change gender, and he has developed a procedure that I am told is quite effective, and looks very natural. I will approve Kristen to enter this program, but I want to see her every three months so I can monitor her development. She will also need to see a shrink as part of the program. They have to be sure they are doing the right thing. Call this number, and set up an appointment. I'm sure that he will be very anxious to have her as part of his program. Get this filled, and take one a day after dinner." I was on cloud nine because he had agreed to let me be a girl! Mom called using her cell phone, and we were both surprised when he asked if we had time to stop by right then! As it wasn't far, mom drove to the small medical center where I met another doctor. He was abrupt, but very clear. "I have a federal grant to study the growth and well being of TG people, which means that all procedures are paid for, as long as you agree to the conditions." After he explained the conditions.... "What we do, especially with someone as young as you are, is retain the testicles in their sockets, which prevents them from growing, and thus helps the onset of female puberty. It's not quite perfect and you still need to take female hormones, however in my experience, it does reduce the testosterone your body makes to a level that is easily managed. Then we move the penis inside the body and use the existing skin to create a very real looking vagina, complete with labial lips. We do however, move the urethra into a position more suitable for a girl. Then we do a minor bit of manipulating the fat cells so we can round out the hips and so on. Given your age, and between taking the pills and what we do, I would guess that within a few months... say six? That she will no longer be recognizable as a male in any way. Breast growth, natural widening of the hips, the higher pitched voice and larger posterior, plus the lack of body hair will be natural, and she will look like most other girls her age, with no discernible difference." I was almost jumping off the chair in total joy, but it was he and mom made the arrangements. Three days. That's how long I had to wait. Three long days. By not having that panty, I would be able to sense touch, and feel more natural, but it would involve some surgery, what the doctor said was minor surgery. As much as I wanted to, I could not tell anyone until it was over; all I could do was look like a girl. Being caught by Ralph when I was dressed up was the catalyst that started this series of events to occur. I never in my life expected this to happen, yet, as events unfolded, and I was allowed to dress up more and more, I became unwilling to accept that anything I had done was wrong. For me, becoming a girl, to be able to live the life of a girl, accepting both the benefits as well as the hardships, was a dream come true. As we all have fantasies that never come true, I knew that I was very lucky. Some people may say that I'm dumber than a post for wanting to be a girl, yet I know it's right for me, and frankly, I'm the only one that counts. I'm the one in the dress! My mother, for reasons of her own had accepted what I told her, yet I knew that she wasn't thrilled that I would so willingly give up being a boy. She had outlined many of the pitfalls being a girl could bring, and tried valiantly to dissuade me from it, but in the end, she had agreed. I cannot imagine the struggle she had with herself before she came to that conclusion, nor can I find any reason for her to let me have so much say. My mother is a loving, caring, woman that always put family ahead of all else, yet she ruled the roost and there wasn't any doubt of that. For her to allow me to do this had to be both heart wrenching and difficult at best. I could have remained the way I was, a boy, and made my way through school as one, then taken the steps to become a woman later; but the confluence of events that led to this point brought it all to the front, and neither she or I could escape the plain facts as we saw them. The fact that the changes being made would be covered by a federal grant, eliminated the financial stress mom would suffer through, leaving her to cope only with my status at home, and at school. The minute we got home I grabbed her, and hugged her tightly, "thank you," being said into her ear over and over. My joy was intense, and simply could not hold it in. My mother left me to sit alone on the patio; like me, I think she was trying to find a way to resolve her inner thoughts. Was I a boy, or girl? Or maybe neither yet both? I was a girl, I knew that, and I think that mom felt that too, but it was a huge step to take, and she, like me had to struggle with the obvious implications a change like I was making would impact us. Many things would change, how I looked the least of them. Would I be accepted? Could I be the woman I hoped to be? Would I regret my decision later? I knew that I was right, but those same questions had forced my mother to face them as well. I had the surgery, and with the help of a lawyer and a cooperative school board member, my name and records were changed, and I began school as just another girl. A cipher looking to gain a foothold within the hierarchy of the school. Band of course, I tried out for the cheerleaders but didn't make it, I joined the sewing club and the school newsletter, and became not a cipher, but a girl trying to make her mark. I did try out for that talent contest, making the final cut, and performing at a charity event. I was thrilled to get that chance! Ralph never again asked me anywhere, meeting another girl. I was glad for him. I met a boy that I dated until he had to move away. Another replaced him, and yet another after that. My body developed just about the way the doctor told me, and within a year I had the body of a girl, and it was all natural, except for that one thing, and it looked like I had a kitty. I had managed to surmount all of the obstacles in my path, and as happy as I am today, I am not sure that I could do it again. The stress of guilt and fear, compounded by the terrible need I felt, and the reaction of my mother is not something I would want to do again. Mom and I have an easy relationship as before, one of love and caring, yet we are closer than every before, and I have yet to hear one word of regret about my change. I doubt that she regrets it now, not after all this time. As I write this, I am awaiting the day my final surgery is completed. Four more days before I can proclaim that I am a woman and proud of it. Those days of wanting to be a wife and mother myself is drawing to an end. After that I'll be starting college, and facing new challenges, but that's what we do every day; face the challenge, conquer it, and move on. I am ready to move on now.