Knocking At Heavens Door free porn video

Knocking on Heaven's Door By Cassandra Morgan -- 1. -- It's a hell of thing when you're all done with your living except for the part about dying. I had given up. I had accepted my fate, that I wouldn't live to any ripe old age. All that remained was knowing the final date to carve on my tombstone, the final breath, the final goodbye. As I lay dying, a barely functioning heap in a hospital bed, I was only vaguely aware of my surroundings. The ghostly forms of doctors and nurses faded in and out as they loomed over me, blinking behind their surgical masks, talking in hushed tones. Jennifer, my wife, was usually in a chair near my head, the worry etched on her face. Once, a priest showed up unannounced. He was just another form in the mist. He was of little comfort with his beads and prayers. I just lay there, numb, halfway to the afterlife. In the early days of my disease, I was wracked with pain. I had fever and cold chills. I had no appetite, and when I ate, I vomited. My blood pressure was low and my temperature was high. I too warm or too cold, and I had a nasty rash on my shoulder. I had muscle spasms and a loss of equilibrium. I was confused. I was rarely lucid, but then, I had nothing to say but goodbye. My bed was hard, but my dreams were soft. It was as if the forces in my body were at war with each other. Now, I lay there, awaiting my fate, accepting it. Doctors and nurses moved around me, but I just lay innate, a lump of meat. "You tried to die on me last night," the tall stately man behind the mask said to me one day. He grinned in that jocular way of doctors as they talk down to their patients. "Don't do that again." I moaned in reply. I shifted on the bed. "Ah, but you fought through the pain. This seems to be nasty stuff." I blinked at my doctor, the fairly renown Samuel Wilde. Maybe I should have died last night, I thought. That way, I could get this over with. No more poking. No more prodding. No more tubes running into my arm. No more listening to the incessant sound of the beeping machines. "Allen, have you ever heard of Spotted Fever?" he said. Spotted fever? I thought. Is that what I have? Not Corona. Not Ebola? Not the plague? "Spotted Fever is another name for Typhus," he said. "Epidemic Typhus, to be accurate. Rickettsia Prowazekii, You have a strain of bacterial. It' can be fairly serious.. It's like your body is attacking you. But your I.V. is running wonder drugs through your system as we talk. We'll see what kind of affect they have have in the next 24 hours." I didn't respond. I felt Jenny squeeze my hand. She took a strand of my hair, damp with sweat, and pulled it from my face. "Nurse Fletcher. Will you adjust Mr. Ryan's charts to include 20 more milligrams of Benzathine and 40 of Doxycycline?" Dr. Wilde said. "Don't forget to make a note on his chart. We'll augment it with other antibiotics." The nurse smiled softly. She was wearing lavender scrubs and the hint of White Shoulders. Even hovering near death, I paid attention to what fragrance women wore. Internally, I smiled. I had always loved White Shoulders. "I won't lie," Dr. Wilde said. "You aren't out of the woods yet. It'll be touch and go for a good while. You'll have good days and bad. But at least we feel like we know where to attack it." "Doctor, is he going to live?" Jenny asked. She always was blunt. "I hope so," Dr. Wilde said. "He's got a decent chance." He was lying. I could feel it. He was trying to take the doom away from a patient on his deathbed, to offer a slice of hope. But deep down, I knew I was in twilight, and there would be few tomorrows. I was a goner. This was Death Row. Jenny slipped an ice chip into my mouth. It tasted cool over my dry lips, like rainfall in the desert. I would miss Jenny. I hoped she would miss me. I closed my eyes, and I felt the darkness steal over me. I wondered if, this time, I would wake up? -- 2. -- There is a small patio on the rear corner of St. Francis Hospital where the flowers bloom and the trees provide shade. The Grove, they call it. Every day, Jenny would wheel me to a spot near the picnic tables where the cool breezes blew, and she would read "Watership Down" to me. It didn't seem to matter than I didn't talk. It was her way of coping with her impending loss. And I liked hearing about the rabbits. That morning, a soft wind blew across the grounds, the way they did in springtime in Ohio. Jenny giggled and brushed my hair back. "You need a haircut, Allen," she said. "Either that, or you need to take up the bass guitar again." I lifted my head and tried to smile at her joke. "Allen?" she said. "Do you have enough strength to talk?" I took a shallow breath. I nodded. "I can... talk," I rasped. "You look... good." "Well, aren?t you a charmer in your hospital gown and your robe," she giggled, trying to sound as if nothing at all was wrong. "Did anyone ever tell you you have nice legs?" "I?m weak," I managed. "I get tired." "You?ll get stronger, baby," she said. "Give your body time to recover." "I?m dying," I said. "Stop that talk," she admonished. "You are not. Dr. Wilde is the best damn doctor here. You?ll be fine. It takes time." "We didn?t have enough time, Jenny," I rasped. "You were always a great wife." "Thank you," she said. "We?ve been good together, haven?t we?" "Just in case," I said. "We need to talk." "We?ve talked, Allen," she said. "I know where the legal papers are. But I won?t need them. Not for years and years." "There?s something else," I said softly. "Yes, baby?" I took a deep breath. "When I die," I said, as she shot me a dirty look. "I mean, if I die, I have a request." "Anything, Allen," she said. "You know that... black dress... you have? The Calvin Klein" The one you wear... with the pearls?" I was talking haltingly, only a few words at a time. "Yes, it?s hanging in my closet. Why?" "I want....I want to... I want to be buried in it." There was only the sound of Jenny?s jaw dropping. She started toe ay something, then stopped. She tried to start again, but could?t form the words. "What do you mean?" she finally stammered. "I want to be buried in your black dress," I said, the way I had rehearsed it as I lay in bed. "With heels. Everything." "Allen? Really? You want to spend eternity in a dress? Why would you want that? People at the funeral will see. They?ll make comment. Is that how you want to be remembered? As some sort of freak who went to heaven wearing a dress?" "Jenny, this is a little late...."I said. "But...uh....I dress up every now and then. When I?m by myself. I?ve always liked the way the black dress fit me." "You?re....you?re one of those?" she whispered loudly. "You wear my things?" "Sometimes," I said, remembering the way the panties felt, the way a bra hugged me, the way a hem tickled my thighs. I gathered my strength and went on. "I didn?t do it that often. Just when you?re away for the weekend. I like the way your clothes feel on me. But I?m very careful." "You wear dresses? Do you wear panties? Do you wear a bra?" "I...I wear all of it. But not that often." My mouth was dry. My head was spinning. "Do you go out like this? Do you have another life?" "I don?t go out. I just read or watch TV." "Jesus, Allen," she said. "Do you want to be a girl?" "I just like the clothes, Jenny," I sighed. "They?re so soft. So pretty. I?ve always worn them. Since I was a kid." "My God. Next thing you?ll be telling me is that you sleep with men." "I don?t," I said. "Not for a long time." "What? You?ve slept with men before? When? Who? Did you suck his dick?" "It was....when I was just out of high school," I said. "Billy Chambers. We were just kids fooling around." "Answer me. Did you suck him off?" The memories came flooding back. Billy and I at his house. Billy handing me a dress. Billy kissing me. Billy pushing down on my shoulders. My opening my lips. "Well, yeah," I said. "We did everything. Like I said, we were two horny teenagers discovering each other. It was just.... fooling around." "With a guy!?" Jenny?s voice was loud now. "My God. You?re a fag...you?re gay. My husband is gay. Do you check men out now on the street? You want to be someone?s wife?" I ignored the questions. "Jenny. Didn?t you ever fool around before me?" "Does that matter?" she snapped. "If I did, it was with a boy. You never told me you were a homosexual. My God, I?m married to a fag." I sighed. "I?m not gay," I said. "Jenny, we?ve been married almost eight years. We?ve had lots of sex. I think you would know it if I was gay. I mean, technically, I may be bisexual. But there has been no one but you since we got married." She didn?t say a word. Her eyes were narrowed, and her arms were folded across her chest. "Did you like it? she said. "Did it taste good? Did you wear lipstick?" "It was... sweet," I said. "Sometimes I wore lipstick. Not often, though." "Sweet? A boy put his penis in your mouth, and it was sweet? What was sweet? The sperm? The sweat? Tell me. Did he put in your fanny?" "Yes. We did that, too." "So did you do him, or did he do you? Were you the guy or the girl?" "I was... usually the bottom." "So you were the girl, giving it up for your boyfriend," she sneered. "I should have known. You were always a little light in the loafers. How many men did you suck off?" "Just Billy," I wheezed. "It was... just a game. His father was a cop, and one day, we were playing dress-up. I put on his sister?s dress. It was green, I think...And he kissed me. And we had that fumbling sex that teenagers have." "Yeah? How often do you think about that now, Allen? Do you miss Billy?s dick? Do you want to go the bus station and blow the drivers?" "Please stop," I whispered. "Did you love him," she sneered, dragging out the world "love." "No. I liked him, but it was never like we were going to get married. It was just sex." "Where did his balls go? On your chin? In your eyes?" "I... don?t remember." "How about now? Do you want to blow the cab driver? How about Dr. Wilde? How about my brother?" "No..." "Shit. I?m married to a woman." "I?m not a woman. I?m a transvestite." "Eternity," she said. "So you want to be a woman for all eternity? You want to kiss St. Peter on his saintly peter? Wait till people hear. Allen Ryan is a girly boy. He?s going to get a sex change!" I tried to protest, but I suddenly felt tired. The arguing had drained me. I held up a hand, begging for a truce. "Forget I said anything, Jenny," I said. "I?m sorry I brought it up." "Maybe I should bury you face down," she seethed. "That way, you?re ready if your boyfriends come to visit. ?Here lies Allen Ryan. He liked cock.? " I looked at her, wounded. I shook my head. My head sagged. My last spark of energy faded. And I nodded off to sleep. This time, I hoped I wouldn?t wake up. ? 3. ? The first thing that returns when your fever breaks is mental. With me, my dreams became vivid again. Jenny was driving. I was dressed, and we were going somewhere in a convertible. The wind was blowing my hair. I had breasts, and my makeup was flawless. I was wearing jewelry, and men on the street were making wolf-whistles at the two of us. My legs felt cool, as if the air conditioner was blowing up my skirt. Something was brushing my cheek. And then my wheelchair went over a door jamb, and I was shaken awake. And the feelings that flooded over me were overpowering and immense. I was still in the hospital, and the motion that had prompted my dream was my wheelchair as Jenny pushed me down the hall. I grabbed at my body with both hands. I felt breasts bounce on my chest, and I reached up to them. They were breast forms, glued to my torso, and I was braless. My boobs were encased in a slick purple nightgown. My hair bounced on each side of my cheeks, and I could feel earring against my neck. I was wearing a nightgown ? purple ? but no hose. My legs were shaved, but uncovered, and they felt cold. I felt my groin, and I was wearing panties. My feet were encased in purple bedroom slippers. "Good morning, Miss Ryan," a passing nurse said. "Hey, looking good, Ellie," another one offered. "Good to see you awake." I looked at Jenny, confused. If anything, she looked smug. I felt that I had been dropped into a new world. "What?s happened?" I asked. "What is this?" "You?ve been out for a couple of weeks, Ellie," Jenny said. "Glad to see you awake. We were going to The Grove, but now you?ll awake, we need to see Dr. Wilde." "But... what am I wearing? Why am I in this?" "Well, when you told me you wanted to die as a woman, I figured you probably wanted to live like one, too. No more sneaking around, Ellie. Be sure to thank Dr. Wilde. He signed the forms so you could wear your own nightgown instead of a hospital robe. With non-surgery patients, that can be allowed." "But... but...." "Ellie, I have your power of attorney, remember? It was easy enough to change your name to Eleanor. I wanted to get your real breasts, but they won?t operate on a sick patient unless it?s vital. The nurses helped me get your ears pierced and your hair done. They shaved you, too. They?re used to that. There is Premarin in your I.V. drip now, but it?ll be months before you blossom." "But Jenny. This is too soon. Too sudden. I can?t just flip a light switch and be female." "Tut-tut, Ellie," she said. "You?ve waited your whole life for this. You might say you?ve lived for this moment. Dr. Wilde has an appointment for you tot talk about your sex-change operation scheduled. Things are moving along very quickly." "Hello, Miss Ryan." "Nice day, Miss Ryan." The orderlies had a look of recognition in their eyes. No one seemed surprised to see me transformation. It was embarrassing. "Everyone...everyone knows?" I asked. "Everyone," Jenny said.."My husband is going to be a trans woman. Out and proud. Don?t worry, girl. They deal with transgender patients all the time around here. They won?t even talk about you behind your back... much." "Jenny, I never did this in public. Most of the time, I was by myself. No one ever saw me. I admit that I liked the clothes, but I don?t want to wear them in front of anyone. It?s mortifying." It was true. The truth be told, I loved the way the clothes felt on me. But that was 10 percent of what I was feeling. The other 90 percent was humiliation. If a trans patient comes out, it needs to be on his or her timetable. They don?t need to be dropped into the world as a female. "Oh, hush," Jenny said, making a left. "You were going to spend forever in a dress. We just jump-started forever. Life kept you in the closet, but nearly dying brought you out. You?re Eleanor now. Everyone accepts it. It?s time you accepted it, too." We rolled down the hallways, then Jenny saw an empty meeting room and ducked inside. She pushed some numbers on her cell phone. She spoke in low tones. "Yes...She?s awake. I know you?re making your rounds now. Of course we can meet you. What? Fifteen minutes.? We?ll be there." Jenny looked at me. "That was Dr. Wilde, " she said. "He wanted to see you if you were awake. He has a temporary office in the hospital, so we?re going to stop by." I sat there, waiting for the world to swallow me whole. My legs felt exposed. My lipstick felt heavy. My breasts felt huge. For years, I had hungered to go out and be seen, but not like this. Not... now. Not... here. Then we were rolling again, past gurneys and others in wheelchairs. People greeted me. They looked at me, some with curiosity, some with lust. We would roll past nurses, and they would turn to each other and grin. I was in one of those dreams that turns into a nightmare, a blessing that had turned into a curse. Can you imagine? You go to sleep as a guy, and you wake up dressed as a woman. Transvestite or not, that?s a shock. The fabric you have lived for was now your cocoon. It was too sudden, too abrupt. I buried my face in my hands, then pulled back. My fingernails were painted pink. The pinkie finger on my left hand had flowers on it. Shit. Can I go back to being unconscious? Jenny rolled me down to an office on the first floor. We entered, and the receptionist smiled. "Good day, Jenny. Good day, Ellie," she said. "Go right in. Dr. Wilde is waiting for you." We went in, and the doctor was waiting behind a small desk. "Good afternoon, ladies," he said, removing his wire-rimmed glasses. "Forgive the spartan office. It?s not my real one. I just use it when I?m on call at the hospital. So how are you two? You seem awake, Ellie." "Allen, " I muttered. He didn?t answer. He flipped through the pages on his clipboard. "Nurse Ross," he finally said. "Get some vitals on our girl here. Temperature. Blood pressure. The works. The drugs seem to be working, but let?s keep them up and see." He turned to me and smiled. "So... I see that you want your own breasts, Ellie? How big are you thinking?" "I don?t need breasts," I said. "Ah, but needing doesn?t mean you don?t want them, does it? All you girls love your breasts." "He?d like nice ones," Jenny said. "But he doesn?t want to be a cartoon. A C-cup, maybe?" Dr. Wilde reached down and lifted my left breast form. "Yes, that would do," Dr. Wilde said. "And have you thought about SRS?" "Excuse me?" "Your vagina. Your gender operation. You know. Your sex change." "I don?t want a sex change," I said. "Most men who dress don?t get a sex change." "But many do," Dr. Wilde said. "Now, I don?t do those operations myself. I?m your primary care physician. I?ll just consult from the surgeons who do. Have you heard of Trina Beckett? She?s very good, and she?s a colleague of mine. I could get things jump-started so your wait isn?t as long as most. I?ll refer her to you for your operation. How about Carlos Garcia for your boobs? And Carol Anders is a fine psychiatrist. " He reached beneath my nightgown and grasped my penis between his left thumb and forefinger and lifted. I jumped. "Calm down, Ellie," he laughed. "I?m just examining what we have to work with. If you feel better, you can grab mine." "No...no thank you, Dr. Wilde." "It?ll be an easy operation. You don?t have much there ? your kind often doesn?t ? but you have enough to assure you?d have nice sensitivity. Ellie...Ellie, what?s happening" Oh my God. I was stiffening. His hand on my penis was arousing me somehow. "See," Jenny said. "I told you he was a homo." "Now, Jenny, let?s use the polite term. He?s a, well, a sissy." "No," I said, taking a deep breath. "I?m not a sissy. I?m a cross- dresser. A transvestite. Sissies are over-the-top in their femininity." "So let me get this straight, Ellie," Dr. Wilde had stripped off his gloves and was washing his hands. "You say you don?t want SRS, but you wear dresses, and you sleep with men, and you want breasts?" "One man...a boy, really." Dr. Wilde smiled. "It sounds like a sissy to me," he said. "I knew a sissy in college. He didn?t want to be a woman, either. But he minced around like the queen of the fairies. You want to wear panties and bras and have boobs and give oral sex to men. Sounds pretty sissy to me." "A sissy is....extreme," I said. "I just like the feel of a dress." "Nothing wrong with it," Dr. Wilde said. "Most sissies do. Except for the way it?s left poor Jenny here, I feel for you. She?s knocked over by this, Ellie. Shocked. It isn?t every day you find that you used to be married to a man, and now you have a maid." A maid? Who the fuck said anything about being a maid? I wasn?t anyone?s domestic. I wasn?t one of those prancing, mincing creatures who flitted around with a vacuum cleaner all day long. "Dr. Wilde, you?ve got it wrong," I said. "I?m not a servant. I don?t want to be anyone?s maid. That?s... something different that what I like. Can we forget about this?" "Ellie, we never forget what?s burned into our memories," Jenny said. "Isn?t that right, Dr. Wilde?" "Call me Sam," he said. And he grinned a shark?s smile. ?4? By the time we returned to my room, most of the shock had gone. I was getting used to wearing a nightgown ? to be honest, I had always enjoyed it. In private. Here, I seemed to be surrounded by acceptance, so that made it a bit easier. But I still felt like people were watching me. At least in my room, they couldn?t see me. But when we entered the room, my mother and father were waiting. Most teen cross-dressers are caught eventually. They leave a door unlocked, or someone comes home unexpectedly, or they carelessly wear the wrong item of clothing. Sometimes, it?s as if the dresser is aching to get caught to force the issue. But I had never been caught. I was deathly afraid of it, and so I took no chances. Not even when Billy and I were together. There were a couple of close calls, but I was Houdini. I was the Invisible Girl. Now, however, my parents were sitting in my room, smiling like loons.I was braced for rejection; not for happy confusion. "Hello, Ellie,? my mother said. "Jenny told me that you...came out. Is that the right term? You?re a Caitlyn, a RuPaul, a Jinx. You?re very pretty." "We put a blue-and-pink decal on the car," Dad said. "If you want to bite pillows while some hairy guy drives the Hershey Highway, that?s your business, Ellie." "Mom...Dad... I didn?t want you to find out like this..." "I would imagine most mothers find out when their child doesn't expect it," Mom giggled. "That?s a pretty nightgown. When did you get it?" "Um, Jenny bought it," I said. "Jenny says you?ve been dressing for a long time," Dad said. ?"Years." "Could you do me a favor, Ellie?" Mom asked. "A... favor?" "Yes. Could you lip synch for your life?" "What?" "You know. Like they do at the end of RuPaul?s Fag Race?" "You mean Drag Race, Mrs. Ryan," Jenny said. "Oh. Really? I always thought it was Fag Race." "No, ma?am," Jenny smiled. "But in Ellie?s case..." "She is a fag, isn?t she?" My father said. "I always knew it. There was something about him...you can always tell. Even in high school, there were a dozen boys who hovered around our house. I think Allen....sorry, Ellie... was making them happy. She was the Belle of the Ball." "No, dad..." "It?s okay," he said. ?I?ve known homos before. Everyone does. You guys are everywhere. You know Burt Lively? He?s one. You should date Burt. He?s well off." "Um, no thank you, Dad." "What? My friends aren?t good enough for you?" "Dear,"Mom said. ?"Burt has a very old penis. I doubt a pretty young thing like Ellie would find it interesting." "Burt?s a fine looking man," my father sniffed. "Ellie would be lucky to have him." "Did you remember Billy?" Jenny interrupted. "Billy?" "Billy Chambers. Ellie?s first lover," she said. "They used to be like rabbits. Like In Watership Down." "Jesus, Ellie," Dad said. "i knew that if your mom let you play with dolls, no good would come from it." "Toys don?t matter," I stammered. "Oh, but they do. I?ll take you to that store the airport, and we?ll get you some toys you?ll like. Trust me. That?s where Burt buys his." "Speaking of things to play with, Ellie, those are some nice boobs you have there. Are they real?" "No, Mrs. Ryan," Jenny said. "Not yet. We have to give her something to live for now that she?s healing." "Forget all this talk about Burt. Do you have a boyfriend or your own?" Mom asked me. "No...I don?t." "Most of the girls on RuPaul have boyfriends," Mom said. "Do you think you would win if you went on the Drag Race? I love when RuPaul tells the girls not to fuck it up." "Mom, I?m not a drag queen." "I?ll admit. Some of those girls are pretty bitchy. But I always thought the director was making them look that way." "I?m a boy, Mom." "You wouldn?t think some of the contestants are boys," Mom went on. "They appear as boys a lot when they?re making their outfits. But when they get on the runway, they?re gorgeous. I can see you there." "They are pretty," my father said. "But you have to remember that they have dicks. I don?t know how you can watch that shit without remembering, or it could really be embarrassing. I mean, I like Burt, but he plays with dicks." "There?s a difference," I said. "Between them and what I am." "There?s a difference between apples and plums," my father said. "Yes," Jenny said. "But they're both fruits." ? 5. ? "Jenny...I?m sorry," I said. We were alone now. "No reason to be sorry. You are what you are." "It?s just clothes, Jenny. It doesn?t have to change anything." "It changes everything, Ellie," she snapped. "You?ve slept with boys. You?ve worn panties. You?re a freak." "I?m not a freak. I just like... soft clothes." "Soft clothes and hard dicks," she said. "Please stop," I said softly. "Ellie, I won?t throw you out. I should. But you?re recovering, and we have the hospital bills. So I?ve made up the extra bedroom for you to convalesce. I mean, it won?t be like we?re married anymore. But I?ll help take care of you." "Jenny, I don?t want that. I love you." "Well, it?ll be better this way. You can recover on your own time and wear whatever you want. And you don?t have to hide anymore. All of our friends and family members will know. Won?t that be liberating?" I looked at the floor. "I shouldn?t have opened my big mouth," I said. "When? Now? Or when Billy put his dick in it?" And a solitary teardrop rolled down my cheek. ? 6. ? Feeling better is not the only reason to be released from the hospital. There are tests, and more tests, and more machines, and more I.V.s First, the doctors have to sure it isn?t just a passing nod to health. They observe. They take your blood pressure every five minutes. They talk about your lipstick. You know, the usual. "You ready to go home, girly?" Dr. Wilde said as I entered the room. "Yes, Doctor." "Really?" Jenny said "I thought you were enjoying physical therapy. You seem to be getting real physical." I blushed, Despite my near-sex encounter, I was getting used to being dressed in public. Jenny was still cool to me most of the time, but considering the jolt I had given her, that was understandable. If I had my way, we would have simply carried on with our marriage. She would have let me dress some at home, and we would talk, and we would carry on with our lives. Jenny saw it differently. She was angry, she said, that I had hidden my nature from her. She didn?t much that I slept with Billy, she said, but that I didn't trust her enough to tell her. That seemed wrong to me. There was no time she was ever going to accept it. One day, Nurse Sandy Walters was checking my chart. She grinned and looked at me in a sisterly way. In a way, I suppose it was the grand acceptance. "Have you checked out Julio?" she whispered. "Julio?" "The orderly. He has an ass that could crack walnuts," she said. "Wouldn?t love love to see him coming out of your shower in the morning." "I... I haven?t thought about it." "God, why not. The men in this hospital are like Gray?s Anatomy. They?re all dreamy. Wouldn?t you love to do a tattoo search on Julio?" "I?m....I?m married," I said. "Who isn?t? I?m not talking about legalities here, girl. I?m talking about raw sex on a stick. Look at him and tell me you don?t think about him naked." I looked across the room. A Hispanic orderly was working, oblivious to our conversation. "He?s.... he?s very macho," I said. "I bet he?s very massive," Sandy said. She laughed, then fluffed my hair out on my pillow. She grinned. "You?re going to be great on our team," she said. "I don?t understand why anyone would want to be a man." She left, and I lay there, confused. When I was young, yes, I had slept with Billy. And it was nice. Nothing ever made feel as feminine. But was I ready to go back to sex with guys? No, I told myself. I wasn?t. Jenny came back into the room. She seemed pleased. "Sam says you can go home on Friday," she said. "Sam?" "Dr. Wilde." "Oh." "I brought my red dress for you to wear home," she said. "And some underwear." "It?s...it?s okay," I said. "No, this is your choice. You might as well start now." "Jenny, I?m your husband." "Right," she said. "And that?s lovely nightgown you have on." "Don?t you want to be married anymore?" "Ellie, our marriage was a lie," she said. "You don?t want to be a husband. You want to have a husband," "You?re throwing me out?" "No, Ellie I can?t.You?re still recovering. And half of the house is yours. So we?ll share the house for the time being. But don?t think of us as a couple. We?re Laverne and Shirley. We?re Thelma and Louise. We?re not lovers." "Jenny, please think about it." "Oh, Ellie, you?ll be happier. I don?t have a penis. Not even one that you can buy." "I don?t care about that." "Of course you don?t. And that fingernail polish is very nice on you." "Jenny...could I change into a pair of sweatpants. Gym shorts? Anything?" "Of course not, Ellie. This is the new you! I?ve moved all your guy things into storage, and you don?t get to know where. You?re a woman now, just like you?ve always wanted." "I wanted it on my terms, Jenny." "Well, these are my terms. Now tell me, Ellie. What is your favorite color?" "What?" "Your favorite color. When you?re dressed up?" "I don?t want to do this." "Shut up, Ellie. You need to accept that life has flipped on you. Now let?s chat, girl-to-girl. What?s your favorite color." "Uh...blue." She made a face. "Blue is for boys. How about pink? A nice lavender?" "Black?" I stammered. I had no interest in this game, but to keep the peace, I would play. "Black is good. Black means you want sex, right? You like black men, too?" "I?ve never been with a black man." "Oh, you?ll love it. They really are larger down there, you know. How about this: bras or panties? What?s your favorite underwear?" I hesitated. "Panties are the basic garment for all cross-dressers," I said. "You aren?t complete without panties." "Dresses or skirts?" "Dresses." "Lipstick or mascara." "Lipstick." "Boobs or a vagina?" "What?" "Answer me. Would you rather have breasts or a vagina? "Breasts, I guess." "Well, you may get both, Ellie. Lucky girl. A whole new option. I bet you can?t wait! Oral or anal?" "What? I?m not going to answer that!" "Oral or anal?" she said. "Or some sort of machinery?" "Oral," I said quietly. "Dr. Wilde or Julio?" I mumbled an answer. "What?s that, girlfriend?" "Dr. Wilde," I repeated. "Sam? Me, too. We could share him. We?ll put him in the hospital." My inner thoughts exposed, I hung my head. No, my life was not the stuff of dreams. ? 7. ? Physical therapy is hell for those who can?t quite get to hell without it. Three times a week, I would go to the P.T. Center, and I would go through a series of mundane exercises to try to return to normal. This wasn?t Gold?s Gym. No one was breaking records here. It was a little stretching, a little walking, a little grillwork to try to regain your strength and your balance. Julio, the attendant, would roll me down, and he would guide me to the treadmill or the mat, and I would stretch. Thanks to Jenny, I had women?s workout clothes if I felt up to getting dressed. Or I could do some light reps in my nightgown, like today. Julio was nice enough. He was from San Antonio, and he was studying to be a nurse. I was trying to get healthy again, no matter which gender I ended up as. I was lying on the mat, doing leg lifts, when Julio grinned at me. "Nurse Sandy says you?ve got a thing for me," he said. "I kind of like you, too." "What? No. You?re just a friend, Julio." "It?s okay, girl. I?ve liked trans women since I was in the Navy. They had these Ladyboys in the Philippines. You wouldn?t believe it. They?re more feminine that those who were born to it" "Julio...I just want to stretch." "You?re very pretty. Ellie," he said, stroking my hand. "No...please stop," I said. "You don?t want me to stop. All of your girls are over-sexed." "I?m married, Julio," I said. "And trans women are not oversexed." "So you don?t like men?" "Not for a long time." He smiled. A dimple sucked in the left side of his face. "Remember what you?ve missed?" he said, lifting my hand and putting it on his knee. "I haven?t missed any ? mmmfph." And his lips were on mine, and his goatee ticked. He tongued dabbed at my mouth. I could feel the hardness of his cock pushing against my stomach It felt invasive...and inviting. I hated it...and I loved it. When he first kissed me, I resisted, but gradually, it felt nice enough to allow. His hand was on my breast, and he placed mine on his cock, as he hovered over me. I was lost, a feather in the wind It had been so long since I had had sex. Finally, Julio stood and pulled down the pants of his scrubs.I slumped to the treadmill, meaning his crotch was inches away from my face. "Kiss it, baby," he said. "You know you want to." He rubbed the head of his dick across my lips, and I felt my resolve give way. I opened my mouth and.... Then she was there. "Ellie!" I sat up, and I looked as Jenny stood in the doorway. I blushed. "I?m sorry, Jenny. I didn?t mean..." "God, you really are a cock whore, aren?t you?" she said. "I mean, it?s a healthy dick and all. How long have you two been going at it?" "We?re not," I protested. "This was the first time." "Well, finish up and come to your room. Sam is waiting on you. Dr. Wilde." I stood up and tried to straighten my nightie. I started to push my wheelchair myself, but Julio caught up and forced me to sit down. He rolled me to my room to the waiting doctors. He lightly touched my shoulder. And he left me to face the music. ? 8 ? As it turned out, Dr. Wilde had brought my discharge papers. He warned me that recovery would take time, and not to rush anything. But in a month, he said, I could have my breast augmentation surgery. Then there was only one more final surgery and I would be a woman. "Now, you?re going home, but you?re still weak," Dr. Wilde said. "Take it easy. I?ll see you a week from Thursday if not before. You have your other doctors? appointments scheduled. You and Jenny help each other out." "We always do, Doc," I said. "Don?t push it with your chores," Dr. Wilde said. "You can always catch up on your scrubbing. A cleaner?s work is never done." "Dr. Wilde, I?m not a maid," I said. "Well, not yet. You don?t even have any uniforms yet. But don?t rush yourself. You?ll get there." "Dr. Wilde, I don?t think you know enough about transvestites," I said. "We aren?t all sissies." "Well, I?m sure I don?t know as much as you. But it seems to me that if Jenny is letting you live there, you could at least help keep it clean." "Of course, I?ll help..." "That?s all I?m saying. Just accept it and do the work, girl. You?ll learn to take pride in it." "Pride is very big among her kind," Jenny said. "My kind?" I said. She flipped her wrist at me, a homophobic gesture if there ever was one. I ignored it. ? 9. ? It was good to be home again. Someone had hung a banner across the living room that said "Welcome home, Ellie." It was pink. Jenny pushed me into the living room. "Do you need to rest or do you want something to eat? I could turn on the TV for you. You know the TV for the TV. Or could play a CD for the CD." "Funny," I said. "Jenny. Let?s go back to the way it was. Let me dress like a guy." "But you aren?t a guy. You need to embrace your lift, Ellie. Enjoy it. The fabrics. The smells. The femininity. Some people will be over later to welcome you home. They?ll be amazed at how pretty you are." I started to say that I didn?t want to be pretty. But the truth was that I did. I was getting bombarded by all of these misconceptions about cross-dressing, but down deep, I did love wearing the nighties. It was just hard to accept being in the open after all of these years. "Now, some of our relatives have donated some dresses and skirts to you. I want you to look over them. But don?t try them on until tomorrow, okay? We?ve got plans tonight." "Plans?" "Yes. We?ve having a Lingerie Shower. You?ll love it." "What?s a Lingerie Shower." "Well, the women all dress in their finest nightclothes. And they bring gifts for the girl of the hour. You?ll score big tonight, sweetie." "But I just got home." "Best way to arrive," Jenny said. "Besides, you need panties. And bras." I sighed. Was there no backing out of this? "I don?t need any more underwear." "Hush," Jenny said. "A girl never has too much underwear. You?re in this for life, Ellie. Just relax." She pushed me to my room. I spent an hour looking at the donated dresses, some of them new, some barely worn. There were gowns and sheaths and shifts and A-lines. There were skirts and sundresses. There was peach and red and, of course, pink. She smiled and shrugged. "Time to get you ready. I know the nurses shaved you yesterday, but I want you to do it again to be ready. Okay? And be sure to wash your breasts four times. Take your time with the nipples. They?re growing, remember?" Thirty minutes later, I was smooth again. Jenny handed me a shimmering white pair of panties, almost brides? like in their appearance. Then a white bra. Then a what camisole (without the bra cups). Then a pair of white hose. A girdle. A garter belt. Then a sheer white robe to cover it all. It all felt delicious naughty, as lingerie always had. I looked like one of those female vampires from the movie, all virginal and shiny. My hair flowed down to the nape of my neck. I had gold earrings in. Jenny hung a necklace with a small dreamcatcher on it around my neck. I looked in the mirror, and Eleanor looked back. I was home. ? 10. ? A few hours later, when the guests started to arrive, I was into my third glass of wine. That wasn?t very smart, considering the medicine that I was on, but the thought of facing family and friends while wearing women?s underwear was intimidating. Jenny had helped me with my hair, adding blue highlights to the tips, and with my makeup. I felt alternately feminine and afraid. But I had finally accepted that this was what I was supposed to wear, and that made a difference. "You?re very attractive," Jenny said. "Thank you. It?s still a little awkward, but I?m getting there." Jenny smiled. "So tell me about Billy." I laughed. "Billy was just a boy I knew. He wanted to play dress-up one day, and we did. I had worn my mother?s clothes before, so it felt natural when he handed me a dress. Then he kissed me, and he touched me. It didn?t feel gay, Jenny. It felt... exciting." "I never liked fellatio." "I did. I?m sorry, but I did. It just fit, you know." "So how often did you guys do it?" "Shit, almost every day that summer. Then Billy went to college. I never heard from him again." "Ever think of him?" "Not really. Sometimes, maybe, the way you think of an old flame. He was nice." Jenny smiled warmly at me, as if she finally understood. And the doorbell rang, and all of our female friends and family poured in. Jenny?s sister, Traci, had arrived first. She handed me a silver-wrapped present that, inside, held a red nightgown and heels. And off we were. My mother gave me an assortment of panties that were light enough to float. Marcie Flowers gave me a black corset. Angela Jones, our neighbor, gave me a large makeup kit. Jaunita Dickinson gave me a yellow dress. There were perfumes and purses, hose and heels, jewelry and skin products. And then the party really got started. Darla Simpson gave me a very large, very intimidating black dildo. I gasped as the women giggled. Kendra Perkins gave me a pink chastity cage. Rhonda Nickerson gave me a penis gag. And then, as if things couldn?t get any worse, there was a package from Dr. Wilde. He wasn?t at the party, but he had sent a gift nonetheless. It was a pink maid?s uniform. Pink! It was stunning, with white piping and a sewn in apron. It was short, and it flared at the hem. It looked like something Barbie would give to And I thought it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Understand the paradox. Several times, I had told Dr. Wilde that I was no maid. And I wasn?t. I didn?t want to scrub anyone?s toilet. But the uniform itself was hypnotic. I could see why women ? and men ? wanted to wear such an outfit whether they were cleaners or not. I certainly did. I touched it gingerly, reveling in its beauty. "Pretty, isn?t it?" Jenny?s voice came from behind him. "Um....yes, I guess." "It?ll look good on a sissy like you." "Jenny, I?m not a sissy." "But Dr. Wilde says you are, and he?s a doctor," Jenny said. "It?s okay. You can be a maid if you want." "I don?t," I said. "You wouldn?t like to clean and serve our guests?" Jenny said, grinning "You won?t want to curtsy when someone yells out ?girl, I need you.? You wouldn?t want to answer the door and feel men?s eyes all over you?" My breathing grew shallow. "No...no, Jenny. Please." "I think you should put it on now and go get your guests some more wine," Jenny said. "Hop to it, maid. You know you want to. It?s who you are. Just submit to it." "Jenny! I? m not like that." "Girl, I?m tired of hearing your whine. Just do your damn job!" "Jenny, I?m your husband." "No, lady. My husband died in the hospital. He was reborn as a sissy in dresses. In a month, he?ll have boobs. In six months, he?ll have a coochie. In a year, he?ll be giving blow jobs at the bus station. Don?t fuck with my husband?s memory, Ellie." "But Dr. Wilde... " "Don?t fuck with him, either. I?ll take care of that. What? You didn?t know? I needed a man, Ellie. You abdicated your throne. Sam is fun, and he?ll be around enough to check on your progress. Who knows? He might even bring Julio around for you." I stood, my mouth open, trying to withstand the thousand knife cuts at once. "You hurt me, Ellie. You betrayed me. Every night you didn?t tell me you liked dresses and dick, you wounded me again. Do you know how it feels to know you?ve been married to a woman? Christ." "Jenny, I"m...sorry." The other women had slowly left the room, leaving Jenny and I alone for her to attack me. Finally, Jenny spun on her heels and stormed out of the room. I was alone. Silently, I stripped off my lingerie. I never wanted to see it again. I never wanted to to feel it. Nude, I walked up the stairs, to my bedroom, and to darkness. ? 11. ? Carol Anders had a small but inviting office. She sat behind an Oak Desk while I sat sideways on her coach. I was wearing a gray skirt with a cobalt blue top. "Welcome, Eleanor," she said. "Can I call you Ellie." "These days, everyone does," I said. She smiled. "This just just a brief, get-to-know-you meeting," she said. "I understand your getting your breasts tomorrow. Are you excited?" "I feel a lot of different emotions," I said, carefully. "Oh, some fear is normal. It?s a big step. From now on, everyone will think of you as a woman. They?ll automatically see your figure. Your life will change." "Dr. Wilde wanted me to see you," I said. "Sam? He?s a sweetie. Is he meeting us here?" "Um, no ma?am. He?s at a banquet. He?s getting a Physician of the Year Award." "That?s great. He?s a wonderful doctor. Where is the banquet?" "The Mayflower," I said. "The big hotel in town." "Yes, I know it," she said. "If he had asked, I would have gone with him." "Doctor Anders, I think he has a date," I said. "He does?" "He?s taking my wife Jenny," I said. "Oh. And how do you feel about that?" I shrugged. "She?s a big girl," I said. "She likes him." "Well, women must move over when their ex-husbands...transition. Surely, you must know that." I blushed. "I guess so." "So have you aways wanted to be a girl, Ellie?" Doctor Anders asked. "No, not really. In the beginning, it was just about clothes. Then a boy and I... got involved. It was embarrassing." "It says in your file that you?re a sissy," Doctor Anders said it as if it was a question. "Dr. Wilde thinks so." "That?s a vague term, Ellie. Some sissies do the function of mades. Some sleep with a lot of men. Some clean their lovers? genitalia after sex. There are a lot of cliches about that lifestyle." "I?m not good at cleaning." "All cleaning is is hard work and attention to detail. Think of your chores as labors of love." "But I don?t think I?m that kind of sissy if I am a sissy." "Do you wear the clothes, Ellie?" "I have a maid?s uniform. I like it. But you can dress like a cowboy without herding steers." "Ha. Very clever. But I think the key for you, Ellie, is submission. You have to surrender to your wife. You have to do your chores and take pride in them." "Why can?t I just be a transvestite?" "Why can?t a tadpole stay a tadpole?" Dr. Anders said. "We all grow. We all evolve. Things happen for a reason, and we must travel our road no matter how many turns it has." "Dr. Anders, I was sick. Very sick. And the next thing you know, I?m living as a woman. It?s happened so fast." "Ellie," she leaned forward. "Fasten your seatbelt." ? 12. ? Back at home, things were a little testy. Jenny and I had argued, and her relationship with Dr. Wilde was now out in the open, and I was trying to live the way she wanted. But on Tuesday, a week after my breast enhancement, things changed. Dr. Wilde had come over to check on me. I opened the door, and I was wearing the maid?s dress that he had given me. I gave a bit of a bob, sort of a half-curtsy, as I opened the door. "Well, you?re looking nice," he said, looking at my outfit. "Jenny told me you were on your way to accepting your status." "I don?t know about that, Dr. Wilde," I said. "I?m still not a very good domestic." "Well, it?s early yet," Dr. Wilde said. "I have a present for you that will help." He handed me a small box in pink wrapping. "You didn?t have to..." And then Jenny was rushing past me. "Sam!" she said. "Welcome to the only doctor who still does house calls." Dr. Wilde reached down and kissed her cheek. Jenny giggled. "You can do better than that," she said, and she moved in for a deep, heartfelt kiss on the mouth that was embarrassing to see. I should have been repulsed. I should have been angry. Instead, I noticed how beautiful Jenny was, and how handsome Dr. Wilde was. They were like Gods on Olympus. I swear, a light emanated from them, a glow. She was beautiful, and he was strikingly handsome. Together, they fit, and part of me knew it. That?s what Jenny deserves, I thought. Not a sexually vague domestic, but a man on high-test. I scanned down as their bodies pressed against each other?s. They were magnificent together. I felt pride in seeing her with him. "Let me check Ellie?s vitals," Dr. Wilde said, finally breaking the kiss. "We?ll have time together later." "Did you bring a respirator?" Jenny giggled. "You may need one when I get through with you." Dr. Wilde checked me out. "You?re getting stronger, Ellie," he said. "And softer. The hormones are working. I don?t see any reason to worry about a relapse. Now, are you going to open your gift." I had forgotten about it while watching Dr. Wilde and Jenny, but I fetched it from the foyer table by the door. I ripped open the paper, and there, a small, drone-like object appeared. If the Apollo rockets had an individual serving, it would be it. "What is it?" I asked. "It?s a plug," Dr. Wilde said. "It goes in your bottom. Jenny gets the control." "Control?" "It?s called Old Sparky," Dr. Wilde said. "It?s a shock plug. If it?s on a high setting, it?ll be like you sat on a taser." "Why would I want that, doctor?" "It?s kind of Jenny?s gift, too. If you?re as sloppy as I hear you?ve been with your chores, well, there is a cherry bomb in your ass. Boom." "I love it!" Jenny said. "I think Ellie tries, but she doesn?t scrub hard enough, and her ironing is awful." "Well, sissies get better," Dr. Wilde said, his hands on her shoulders. Jenny covered his hands with hers. "She?d better," Jenny said. "There is no turning back now." Jenny leaned me over the couch, and something wet was being rubbed into my ass. Then the plug went in, slowly, then it was if my rectum welcomed it. Jenny played with the controls on the console, and suddenly, I felt like the Enola Gay had flown up my ass. Damn, it hurt. Someone had launched a torpedo into my butt. I slumped the floor from the pain. "Give her a minute," Dr. Wilde said. "She?ll recover. I think now would be a good time. She can, oh, do a little ironing while we, um, retire." "That sounds great, Sam," she said. And the two of them, hand-in-hand, went up the stairs. I wasn?t invited, but in my mind, I saw them all over each other, clothing flying around the room. I tried to swallow my ego. "Ellie!" I heard a few minutes later. "Ice water! Now!" I couldn?t help it. I scurried to fetch their water. When I entered the bedroom, they were nude. Part of the sheet covered Dr. Wilde?s penis, but Jenny was nude. "Are you going to clean us, girl?" Jenny asked, spreading her legs. It was the cliche that Dr. Anders had mentioned. I was supposed to lick the sperm off of her used vagina. I scrambled onto the bed, looking at them both from my knees. I took a breath and clambered up the mattress. But I slid right past Jenny to Dr. Wilde. I smiled, and I attacked his cock. I took the bulb into my lips and gently sucked away the droplets that remained. Then I had him in my moth, and I was giving my first blowjob since I was a teenager. At one point, Jenny tried to nudge me off of him, but I would not let go. I liked his dick in my mouth. That was where it belonged. "Damn," Dr. Wilde said. "That?s great." "So you?re gay, too," Jenny snarled. "Jesus. Is the whole world gay?" She lay back on the pillow, but she never took her eyes off me as I sucked. Finally, with a low moan, Dr. Wilde came into my mouth. He reached over and touched Jenny. "I can take care of both of you," he said. "Just give me a minute." "Thirty seconds," she said, grinning. I finally reached over and began to lick Jenny. She seemed resistant at first, perhaps annoyed that she was second in the order, but eventually, she got into it. And it was glorious. I thought she was going to crush my skull at one point, which is hell on a girls? hairdo. Jenny had told me she didn?t like blowjobs. She wasn?t fond of anal sex. Well, just add those to my chores. Barely removed from death?s door, it would be a nice life. Laying there in my surrender, it occurred to me. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe I was more gay than bisexual. Maybe I should be a drag queen. Maybe I was born to be a maid. But I knew that this was my place, and my purpose. Finally, I was well again. And alive. Copyrite, 2020. Cassandra Morgan