William Redman CarterChapter 51
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"Son, you know I have to tell the truth," Ed said looking William in the eye. He had finally caught up with William before his son had entered his office.
"Yes, I know that," William said with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He looked away from his father breaking eye contact.
"You know that it isn't always an easy thing for me to do, don't you?"
"Yes, I know that."
Shaking his head, Ed said, "You can't hide away from the world forever. Your little brother has asked you several times to go riding with him. Each time you've refused him. You haven't even left the house once."
"I'm just not ready," William said.
The problem was that William was telling the truth. William wasn't even willing to have dinner with the rest of the family and the staff. Instead, he had his meals sent to his office where he locked the door. Even Lucy hadn't been allowed in for the last few meals. Ed said, "You aren't ready to be around more than six people at a time?"
"That's right," William said.
Moving closer, Ed looked at William and shook his head. In a quiet voice, he said, "I never thought you would hide from the world like this. Go back to your office."
"I'm sorry that I've disappointed you," William said looking down at the floor.
"You haven't disappointed me. I'm concerned about you," Ed said. There was just enough disappointment that his words grated on his nerves. He tried not to show it.
Feeling sick to his stomach, William entered his office without looking at his father or saying a single word. He had seen the grimace that accompanied telling a lie. The door closed behind him with a dull final thud. There was a loud click as the door was locked.
Ed stood staring at the door for a full minute. Shaking his head, he said, "That didn't go well."
The living room was huge and tastefully decorated. Plants were scattered around the area breaking it up into little islands filled with leather chairs and coffee tables. Floor lamps of various styles were distributed around the room providing light at night. Western art hung from three walls. The cost of decorating the room had been more than the cost of an average house.
Ed sat in a chair looking out the window at the canyon. In a way, he envied William that he had been able to bring the desert into the house in the manner that he had. Others might find the desert barren, but it moved him more than words could express.
Today, his thoughts were not on the desert. He was worried about William. His thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of Lucy. She took a seat next to him and looked out the window trying to gather strength from the beauty presented to her. In a soft voice, she said, "I don't know if I'll ever get tired of the view."
"I wouldn't," Ed said turning to look at his daughter-in-law. Smiling at her, he asked, "What can I do for you?"
"I'm worried about William," Lucy answered.
"Me too."
"He's hiding from everyone. He won't talk to me," Lucy said. It hurt to say that he was hiding from everyone else. It hurt even more to admit that he was hiding from her. She was near tears wondering what she could do to help him.
"I confronted him about that. It didn't go well," Ed said shaking his head. He said, "There are times when the truth is not always the best policy."
"That explains why he locked the door of his study," Lucy said.
"He recognized that I'm a little disappointed in him. I couldn't hide it from him," Ed said wishing that he hadn't gone to talk to William earlier that day.
"That's bad," Lucy said, "that's real bad. He's never let anyone down. I don't think he knows how to handle it."
"I've always told William that he relied too much on his gift of foresight," Ed said shaking his head. The warnings hadn't done any good. The gift was just too much a basic part of William for him to avoid relying upon it. He said, "Of course, that was like asking a sighted person in the land of the blind to walk around with their eyes closed just to be like everyone else. It's not going to happen."
"I know," Lucy said. She sighed and said, "The weird thing is that I don't think he ever really used it to the extent that he could."
"You may have a point," Ed said thinking about it.
"It's a moot point now."
Looking out the window at the wall of the canyon, Ed asked, "Do you have any ideas what we can do to break him out of his self imposed exile?"
"No."
"Same here. Eddie is devastated," Ed said. The young man had been trying to get his brother to get out of the house and do something physical thinking that it would help William cope with his situation. When William had refused to see him that morning, Eddie's feelings had been hurt. That had motivated the confrontation earlier that morning.
"William hasn't had dinner with the household yet. He says that there will be too many people around the table," Lucy said.
"That's ridiculous. He knows everyone who will be there," Ed said although he wasn't exactly shocked at the news.
"I guess it is like giving a presentation in class. You know all of your classmates, you talk to them all of the time, and yet when it is time to give a presentation in front of them you dread it. It is even worse when you aren't prepared," Lucy said.
"You're saying that William feels like he hasn't done his homework," Ed said.
"I guess so," Lucy said looking out the window. Pointing to a hawk, she said, "There's that hawk again."
"I noticed it earlier. There are two of them. They have a nest over there," Ed said pointing to a spot along the canyon wall. He watched the hawk fly away. Turning to look back at Lucy, he said, "I don't know what to tell you. He's always been a complex person and you're the only one who truly understands him."
The discussion was interrupted when Barbara came over to where they were seated. After a quick glance at Ed, she said, "William missed his meeting with us. I tried to call him, but he isn't answering his phone."
Lucy sighed and said, "I guess you'll have to reschedule the meeting."
"I can't. There are some decisions that he has to make before the deadlines run out. Some of those decisions have to be made today," Barbara said.
"You should have scheduled the meetings earlier," Lucy said thinking that it wasn't normal practice for William to delay things until the last minute.
"This was the third meeting that he's missed," Barbara said.
Looking at Lucy, Ed said, "This is serious. I've never known William to avoid work."
Lucy's face turned white on hearing that William had missed three meetings. Tears threatened to start flowing. Feeling helpless, she sank into her chair and stared out the window. The harsh features of the desert provided no comfort.
Barbara said, "Someone needs to talk to William."
"He won't talk to me," Lucy said. She stood up and fled from the room before the tears would start.
Ed watched Lucy go and shook his head. He pulled out his cell phone and looked at it. He sighed and said, "I wonder if it is time to get some professional help."
"I know who can talk to William," Barbara said quietly. It wasn't really her place to make the suggestion, but she couldn't help herself.
"Who?" Ed asked.
William sat at his desk holding his head between his hands. He had a splitting headache that throbbed with each beat of his heart. The lights were down low and the room was absolutely quiet except for the noises he made shifting around in his chair.
Everything had become too much for him. He viewed himself like a person who had suffered a major memory loss. People who have lost their long-term memories wake up every day not knowing who they are. They are confused don't recognize the people around them. People who have lost their short term memories forget what they are doing. They become unable to execute even a simple plan because they forget the plan. William felt that he was in much the same position. He had lost his memories of what was about to happen.
It was strange and unsettling to go through life surprised by everything that happened. He didn't know what he was going to eat until he actually sat down at the meal. He didn't know what conversations he would have until people started to talk to him. He felt like he had to make things up on the spur of the moment. Even worse, there wasn't a real chance to prepare for what was to happen and that scared him.
"Go away," William shouted in response to the knock on the door. The noise had driven into his brain like a nail.
"It's me," Amanda said in a loud voice.
"Go away," William shouted back. His stomach churned at the idea of sending her away.
Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Amanda said, "I want to die."
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