A Well Lived Life Book 7 Kara IIChapter 20 The Winds of Change
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June 1982, Stockholm, Sweden
Three and a half hours after leaving Göteborg, the train pulled into the station in Stockholm and came to a stop. I grabbed my bags and stepped off the train onto the platform. Karin waved and walked over to me.
“«Hej Steve!»” she said with a smile.
“«Hej Karin!»” I responded, setting my bags down on the platform.
We stood looking at each other for a moment and then she stepped close for a quick hug. She picked up the smaller of my bags and we headed for the subway. About twenty minutes later, we arrived at the Brommaplan subway, walked a few blocks and were soon in apartment 6B. I took off my shoes and picked up my bags and walked down the hall. I turned to go into Birgit’s old room, but Karin called after me.
“My room, Steve,” she said firmly.
I turned around and put my bags in her room and went back to the living room.
“I’ll make some tea and we can talk,” she said. “Then we’re going to make love.”
I nodded and sat on the couch in the living room. She started the water for the tea and came and sat on the couch, but not too close.
“What’s happened with us?” she asked, coming right to the point.
Karin was being very direct and there was no point in beating around the bush.
“It seems that we’ve drifted apart. Part of it is the distance. Even though we talk almost every week, you’re still far away. But I suspect the biggest part is Birgit. It just feels as if she’s the thing pulling us together. I made love with you that first time thinking you were Birgit. You remind me of her and I’m afraid that I’m in love with the idea of being in love with you because of Birgit.”
“Yes,” she replied, “I think that’s exactly it. Forget the tea. Let me go turn off the kettle. We have something to do.”
She went to the kitchen to turn off the stove and then came back to the living room.
“Put your shoes on. Let’s go.”
I knew exactly where she wanted us to go. I slipped on my shoes, grabbed my fedora, and followed her out the door. On the way, I stopped at the same flower shop that I had two years previous and bought flowers, both from me and from the Spencers. It dawned on me that it was eight days past the anniversary of Birgit’s death — June 10th. I suddenly wished I’d made different arrangements for the trip, but realized that with the Schillerska graduation ceremony being on the 11th, it would have been difficult to do both.
I stopped dead in my tracks when a thought hit me like a freight train — the living are more important than the dead — Let the dead bury the dead, Jesus had said, instructing a young man to attend to spiritual matters. But the verse said something else to me in the current context. Karin took a couple of steps before she realized that I’d stopped. She turned to look at me.
“Steve?”
“I think I may owe you a huge apology. In fact, I’m sure of it. Let’s take care of this visit first, then I’ll explain. I need to think a bit more before we talk so I can get my thoughts in order.”
“OK,” she said, a small smile forming on her face.
We arrived at the churchyard and I walked directly to Birgit’s resting place. I saw no trace at all the letter I’d left there nearly three years ago for her, nor the one I’d left six months later for my unborn child. I put the flowers against the headstone. I stood silently for a minute, remembering my first true love, then turned to Karin.
“Let’s go back to the apartment,” I said.
She nodded, smiling again. We walked out of the churchyard and back towards the apartment.
It seemed to me that Karin had accomplished exactly what she’d set out to do. To make me finally, once and for all, admit to myself that Birgit was dead and was never, ever coming back. I had always known that intellectually, but now I felt it, deep in my soul. And I wasn’t crying. I wasn’t upset. It really was time to move on. Birgit, once I’d met her, had affected every choice I’d made when she was alive and many more after she’d died. My friends had even acknowledged that when they talked about me maturing and growing up — that I was becoming the man Birgit knew I could be.
I now understood that I’d let a ghost control far too much of my life. It wasn’t that I didn’t love her; I most certainly did. It wasn’t that I didn’t miss her; for I did that nearly every day. It didn’t hurt like it used to; but the feeling was still there, always lurking under the surface, affecting just about everything I did. And it had to stop, or I was going to make a real mess of things. I had to do what was right for me, not what I thought Birgit expected of me. I hadn’t consciously thought that way, but I knew that deep down, that was what was driving me.
In some ways, it was a good thing. She’d had the utmost confidence in me and had encouraged me when I was at my lowest, feeling depressed and responding with crazy emotional outbursts. Those were things of the past now, and I had friends who had that same confidence in me. There were quite a few of them, in fact, and the most important of them was Kara. But she wasn’t the only one. My trip here had shown me that. Another thought hit me and I stopped in my tracks once again.
I couldn’t please Birgit at this point any more than I could please my mom. And yet, I still allowed her memory to influence the way I thought. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but I had let it interfere with my relationship with her sister and it had eventually caused a divide. A divide I should never have allowed to happen. I wondered if it was too late to repair the damage, and, even if I repaired the damage, did it matter? I was, for all intents and purposes, committed to Kara, and didn’t see that changing.
That commitment, despite my sister referring to it as being fitted with a ball and chain, didn’t feel like the commitment that I’d had with Jennifer — one that had eventually led us down a destructive path, most likely because I wasn’t honest and open with her like I should have been. To be sure, Jennifer had not been open and honest with me, but even if she had, I was still, deep down, thinking about Birgit and holding Birgit up as the ideal for every other young woman I was involved with. And that, I was now certain, was not only wrong, but a recipe for disaster.
When we got back to the apartment, I slipped off my shoes, hung my fedora on the coat rack, and walked down the hall to stand in the door of Birgit’s room. Only it wasn’t her room any more. Just as Karin had said, the pictures were moved out, but also, the furniture had been rearranged, the curtains and duvet had been changed and there was, indeed, nothing left of what had been, in my mind longer than in reality, Birgit’s room. Now, it was just a room. Without a word, I walked back to the living room and quickly scanned it. I saw the pictures that had once been in her room. They were in various places, but they were all there — Birgit and me, Birgit and Melanie, Larry, Birgit and me, and Karin and Birgit.
Karin stood silently while I moved from picture to picture. When I’d come to the last one, the one of her and Birgit, I knew exactly what I had to do. I took a few steps across the room, took Karin’s hand and led her to her room. We wordlessly undressed, climbed into her bed, and made love, now truly and finally, as Steve and Karin. The joining of our bodies, touching at so many points, inside and out, was a near spiritual experience. The unhurried, slow motions of our lovemaking, staring deeply into each other’s eyes, eventually gave way to the ultimate pleasure as she clenched me tightly and I poured myself into her, both figuratively and literally.
When we finished, and our bodies had provided comfort, pleasure, and most importantly, love, we lay cuddled together in her bed. I pulled the duvet over us and finally, it was time to talk.
“Before you say anything,” Karin said softly, “I want you to know something. Something important. The love you had for Birgit showed me just how much love you had to give. I hope you understand, now, that my love for you, my giving myself to you in this way, is not Birgit loving you through me. Yes, that happened one time, and that one time can never be recreated no matter how much you might want it. Birgit was my sister, but she’s not me and I’m not her. I’m giving you my heart, my soul, and my body, for me, and me alone. When you finally realize this, and really take it to heart, you’ll find me here, with you, always and forever.”
I nodded and took a deep breath.
“I owe you an apology,” I said. “Every time I looked at you, even when you were in Milford, I saw your sister. I thought I was past that, but I wasn’t, and every time I thought of you, I thought of her. I guess I realized that I was still in love with her, and that love was clouding everything. Over the last six months or so, I’ve pushed you away because I didn’t think I could separate you and Birgit, either in my mind or heart. I was wrong, and I’ve made a real mess of things. I’m sorry.”
“There’s no mess,” she said. “There’s nothing broken that can’t be fixed. In fact, it’s not really broken. We both know that until I graduate from «gymnasiet», we can’t even think about a future together. That’s three years from now. A lot can happen in three years. Maybe you will end up with Kara, and if that’s what happens, I’ll be quite sad, but I won’t hate you, nor will I regret anything that’s happened between us. If this week is the last time we ever make love, so be it. I don’t think it will be; I think that Fate has something more important in store for us in the future.”
She lifted her head from my chest to kiss me softly, and then continued.
“But, just in case, I want to spend every moment we can, naked, together, in this bed. Talking, making love, and, sometimes, just fucking each other silly. I told you before, I’ll do anything you want, and I know you will do the same. My body, like my heart, belongs to you, Steve. It’s been that was from the very first day I saw you when I was thirteen. I’m sixteen now and nothing has changed. I love you, Steve Adams.”
I pulled her tight to me, “I love you, Karin Andersson.”
“So, about that fucking each other silly...” she smirked.
Our bodies came together again, but this was not lovemaking — it was pure, primal fucking. And yet, I sensed in the frantic motions of our bodies, pure love, whether it was mutual oral pleasure or simply me pounding hard into her, our mutual, explosive orgasm at the end left us sweaty, gasping for breath, and, more importantly, basking in our love for one another. We lay together, bodies entangled, for several minutes.
“I think we need to change the sheets,” Karin giggled. “It’s not just that giant wet spot but all the sweat! Let’s change the sheets then shower together!”
“Your wish is my command!” I replied happily.
We quickly stripped the sheets off the bed and took the cover off the duvet. We put fresh linens on the bed, then went to the shower. Karin adjusted the spray, and we stepped in. I pulled her to me and held her tight as the water coursed over our bodies. She lifted her head for a kiss and our tongues began a battle for control. We held each other tight and kissed without stopping for several minutes. Karin broke the kiss and put her head on my chest.
“There’s one thing we haven’t done yet!” she giggled. “Want to?”
I chuckled and grabbed the bottle of baby oil that she’d left on the edge of the tub.
“Absolutely,” I said with a grin.
“I figure we have to wash after we do it anyway, so why not in the shower?!”
I used the baby oil to lubricate both of our bodies and was about to turn her around.
“No. Sit!” she said.
I sat down in the tub and Karin turned to face me, then straddled me, taking hold of my dick and holding it straight up. She lowered herself until she had my glans pressed against her rear entrance. I helped support her, and she took a couple of deep breaths and relaxed, and pushed downward. The head of my well-oiled dick popped into her rear, and she moaned softly. She adjusted her angle a bit and took a couple of deep breaths, leaned back a bit to improve the angle, and slowly sank down on my shaft until I was fully embedded in her butt.
Karin started rocking back and forth, and squeezing her muscles tight. She smiled, then dropped her hand between us and began gently rubbing her clit. I lowered my head to her breast and sucked gently on her nipple and tightly gripped her lower cheeks. Less than a minute later, she slipped the tip of her finger into her pussy and groaned. Over the next few minutes, she had two more orgasms, then took my face in her hands and pulled me from her breast. She leaned forward to French kiss me and began rocking faster and squeezing her muscles tighter. It didn’t take long after that before I groaned loudly into Karin’s mouth and fired several spurts of cum into her clenching butt.
“It’s after 2:00pm. I think we need some lunch so we can have enough energy for the rest of the afternoon!” Karin declared, then kissed me softly.
“That’s a good plan!” I said, kissing her back.
She slowly lifted herself off of me and grabbed a bar of soap. She thoroughly washed my dick, then turned off the shower. She grabbed a towel and dried me, and then I did the same for her. We went back to her room, and I picked up my underwear to put them on, but Karin stopped me.
“No clothes in the house until you leave!” she grinned.
“What about your parents?”
“They won’t care. But we should probably wear robes to cook and eat.”
I took my black and purple robe out of by bag and she got a very short, white robe from her closet. We went to the kitchen, and I sliced cheese and bread while Karin made potato soup. She got two bottles of Grappo from the fridge and set them on the table. When the soup was ready, we ate, then cleaned up the kitchen and then went back to Karin’s room and got into bed. Karin moved on top of me and rested her head on my chest. I wrapped my arms around her and put my ankles on top of hers. I pulled the duvet over us.
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March, 1982, Milford, Ohio “What’s the craziest thing you’ve done, Tracey?” “That one’s easy! Asking Steve to the Sadie Hawkins Day dance!” “What?!” Kara said, looking askance. “Think about it. I was a frumpy, shy girl with no self-confidence. I asked the school sex god to take me to the dance, knowing full well I’d probably end up losing my virginity, though I was worried he wouldn’t do it with me. Boy, was I wrong! Not only did he do it, but he spent the entire next day with me doing...
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July 1982, Milford, Ohio Sandy came into my room and shut the door, shaking visibly. She leaned against the door and didn’t move further into the room. “Relax, Sandy,” I said gently, trying to ease her nerves as best I could. “Are we going to do it now?” she asked, her voice cracking with emotion. “No. We’re just going to talk,” I said. I could see visible relief. That confirmed to me that she was very nervous about doing this and I needed to be very cautious. “Talk about what?” “About...
October 1981, Chicago, Illinois I went to my room, closed the door and dialed my old number in Milford and Stephanie answered. “Hi, Stephanie!” “Hey, Big Bro! How’s Chicago?” “Pretty good. A lot of stuff is happening. But I have a favor to ask. Well, really, it’s a favor from Ed. I’m coming home this weekend and I was wondering if I could borrow the keys to the apartment.” “You and Kara? On Saturday? I’m sure the answer is yes. Where are you staying?” “I was going to call Mrs. Spencer...
March, 1982, Milford, Ohio On Wednesday morning, I swam with Stephanie and we ate breakfast together. I avoided talking about Saturday or what we might do. I still had no clue what I should do, and the implications of my decision were huge. I wondered if Stephanie could handle the conversation about the deep meaning behind what she was asking, and I wondered if she understood the implications. The fact that she and Jennifer were talking meant that she and Jennifer could have discussed this...
February, 1982, Chicago, Illinois On Monday morning, while Stephie and I were driving to school, she asked what I was doing for Valentine’s Day. I let her know I was going to Ohio, but that I’d be happy to celebrate with her either on the 11th or the 16th, because I was taking the three-day weekend in Milford. “I guess that will have to do,” she sighed, “because it does make sense that you would be with Kara on Valentine’s Day.” “Are you going to be OK, Peaches?” I asked. “Do I have a...
December, 1981, Milford, Ohio As I drove to Kara’s house, I thought more about my conversation with Bethany. And the more I thought about, the more I realized that I had totally missed the signs. I had fallen in love with Kara without feeling the connection — in a sense, our kisses, and even our first lovemaking, didn’t feel different from many other girls I’d been with. But it was different. It was different because I loved her. And, eventually, we HAD felt the spark of the connection. We...
December, 1981, Milford, Ohio I pulled into the driveway at the Spencers’ and went inside. Melanie was halfway up the stairs and turned to say hello. “Want to spend some time in the sauna with me?” she asked. “Only if you promise to behave. I need to make a phone call first, and it may take a bit of time.” “I do. And I’ll wait. If you want privacy, use the extension in my room. I can read while you’re on the phone.” I nodded and walked up to her room and shut the door. It hadn’t changed...
November 1982, Milford, Ohio After dropping Elyse in Glen Este, I headed to the Spencers’ to drop off my stuff and then drove to Kara’s house. Kara hadn’t been clear about me staying every night at her house, so I didn’t want to assume. “Hi, Snuggle Bear!” she said when she opened the door. “Hi, Honey!” I said, pulling her into a hug and kissing her. “Do you need to get your stuff?” she asked. “I wasn’t sure from our last conversation which nights I could stay here, so I dropped my...
January 1982, Chicago, Illinois Bethany and Gene arrived just before 10:00am on Sunday morning. The apartment was full as both Warren and Stephie had spent the night, and Kurt and Kathy were staying the weekend. The plan was to have a big meal together around 3:00pm so that Gene and Bethany could get back to Madison before 10:00pm. Bethany was in great spirits and seemed very happy. I hadn’t had much chance to talk to her in the past few weeks because both of us were busy with school, and I...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio Joyce, Kara, and I sat quietly on the lower bench while the steam built in the sauna. I was really going to miss the easy access to a sauna when I went back to Chicago. IIT had a steam room that I could use, but they required towels and it wasn’t ever quiet. It also wasn’t co-ed. “Joyce, I didn’t see Terry at your grandfather’s house yesterday,” I said after about five minutes of silence, other than the steam hissing and our breathing. “He’s sort of upset with...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were nearly identical — swimming and breakfast with Stephanie, spending the day with Kara, finding time for a sauna, and making love in the evening. I did end up sleeping alone on Saturday night because I took Kara home so she could go to church in the morning with her mom. She would drive to my house after church to help set up for the party, which was starting at 2:00pm and might even continue after fireworks, depending on how...
February/March, 1982, Chicago, Illinois I made good time on the drive back to Chicago despite the light drizzle that I ran into just south of Gary. I walked into the apartment to find Stephie and Elyse stretched out on the couch, each one leaning on an arm and their legs alternating so they could put them out straight. “You two look comfortable,” I said, taking off my shoes and coat and dropping my bag. “Hi, Steve,” Elyse said. “Hi, Steve,” Stephie echoed. Neither of them moved to get...
November, 1981, Chicago, Illinois “How are things going?” I asked. “Amazing!” Kathy said with a huge smile. “He’s just what I needed. Last night was the first time we could sleep in the same bed. Doing that with you was always my favorite thing!” “Oh, really?” I chuckled. “Actually, yes. You holding me in your arms while we slept was the most amazing feeling. Don’t get me wrong, the orgasms were out of this world, but feeling safe, secure, and loved; it’s the best thing there is. And I...
November, 1981, Milford, Ohio We made good time, arriving at Kathy’s house about 2:00pm. She and Kurt thanked me for the ride and we agreed that I’d pick them up at noon on Sunday so we could be back in Hyde Park by 5:00pm Chicago time and they could be back at Northwestern by 6:00pm. We agreed to have lunch on Wednesday, then I said goodbye, got back in the car, and pulled out of Kathy’s driveway to head to the Spencers’ house. Melanie and Pete were there waiting for me, and I got one of...
December 1981, Chicago, Illinois I really should have guessed that what Jennifer was saying was prompted by a girlfriend who saw me as a competitor, but I had to know if it was just Jocelyn, or if it was from Jennifer’s therapist as well. “And not your therapist?” I asked. “No. The reason Doctor Clauson didn’t want me to come is because she knows how I feel about you and that you’re in a serious relationship with Kara. She’s afraid that I’ll have a serious setback, or do something stupid...
April/May 1982, Chicago, Illinois I made very good time driving back to Chicago, assisted by the radar detector, and arrived at my apartment before 6:00pm Chicago time. As usual, Stephie and Elyse were sitting on the couch when I walked in. “Well, another fantasy up in smoke!” I teased. “Get your mind out of the gutter, Yankee!” Stephie exclaimed, getting up to hug me. “Did you have a good weekend?” “I did. How about the two of you?” “Same as always, though I didn’t have a date on...
August 1981, Chicago, Illinois We ended up not getting crazy that night. We made love and fell asleep in each other’s arms. We woke up the next morning and repeated what looked like was going to be the pattern for the school year — I jogged and Elyse showered, I showered, and then we ate breakfast. “Bye, Honey! Have a good day,” she said again. I headed to IIT and after parking I walked into the Stuart Building for Computer Science 200. I’d been permitted to skip CS100 because I already...
March, 1982, Milford, Ohio Tuesday started off like usual days had when I visited Milford and after Stephanie went off to school, I played some video games and practiced pool until it was time to go and meet Susan Pollard for lunch. We met at Skyline just before 1:00pm and both of us ordered Five-Way chili. We started out by catching up on our lives. It had been a really long time since we’d talked and said more than just a brief greeting. Susan was attending Clermont Community College and...
September 1981, Milford, Ohio Friday was routine until lunchtime. Afternoon classes had been canceled for both Elyse and me because of the Labor Day weekend, so I drove back to the apartment instead of having lunch on campus. Elyse and I packed our overnight bags and waited for Kathy and Bethany, who arrived as planned, and we left Chicago just before 4:00pm. It was my goal to make the trip to Milford in just under five and a half hours, which I could do if we grabbed fast food on the way...
December, 1981, Milford, Ohio On Tuesday morning, I swam and ate breakfast with my little sister and hung out with her until it was time to head out to see Anna. I was still surprised that she’d called out of the blue, and was really curious as to what it was that she wanted. Even though I hadn’t driven to her house before, I’d been there enough times to remember how to get there. I parked in the driveway, then walked up to the front door and rang the bell. Anna opened the door almost...
December, 1981, Chicago, Illinois I made good time on my drive back to Chicago, arriving just before dinner. Other than one stop for gasoline and the restroom, I had driven straight through. When I pulled up in front of the apartment, I didn’t feel like cooking, so I parked, dropped my things inside, and then walked to the Chinese restaurant and got takeout. I took it back to my apartment, retrieved two weeks’ of mail from the mailbox, then went inside. I set the food on the table and sorted...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio It was getting close to the time that both Kara and I had to leave, and Kara was still crying softly as I held her in my arms. I simply held her tight and occasionally kissed her hair and whispered that I loved her in her ear. “Kara honey, are you going to be OK to have lunch with your mom? Do you need me to call off my lunch with Anna and stay with you?” She sniffed, “No. I need to pull myself together. Mom’s expecting me and I don’t want her to worry or be...
March, 1982, Milford, Ohio At the Spencers, I quickly changed clothes, then headed to pick up Kara. Our evening followed the usual pattern for this week — dinner, lovemaking, a sauna, and then cuddling on the couch in the basement until I had to take her home. On Thursday, I swam and had breakfast with Stephanie, and after she left for school, I headed back to the Spencers’. I went to my room and wrote in my journal. I sat down in the beanbag chair to read my history text from school. I was...
April 1982, Chicago, Illinois and Washington, DC Sunday evening, after dinner, I excused myself and called Joyce. I knew she’d have good advice for me, knowing the full situation. “Shit,” Joyce said, “That is really bad. Some of those guys don’t care about age. In fact, they want the teenagers because they attract clients and they can actually charge more. Grandfather absolutely forbids his guys from using girls who are under eighteen. One time he found out about a girl who was only...