A Well Lived Life Book 7 Kara IIChapter 20 The Winds of Change
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January 1982, Chicago, Illinois
I awoke with a start, confused as to where I was. It quickly came back to me — Jennifer and I had fallen asleep together on the couch. She was still asleep, her head on my shoulder, her strawberry blonde hair cascading over her face and my chest, and her arm across my stomach. I was a bit stiff because I didn’t normally sleep sitting up, but there was no way I was going to move until Jennifer woke. I knew she needed the close contact and the comfort I was providing, and my discomfort was a small price to pay to help her.
Jennifer stirred about ten minutes later, yawning and stretching. I suspected she was just as uncomfortable as I was, but her emotional needs outweighed physical comfort. She sat up and smiled at me.
“Thank you,” she said, leaning in to kiss my cheek.
“You’re welcome,” I said, stretching my arms and legs and slowly standing up. “I could use a sauna right about now!”
“Your next place has to have one, for sure. How about a hot bath?”
“That’s not a bad idea, but that doesn’t exactly work the same way. And we can’t really do that together.”
Jennifer smiled, “Sure we can. We’d be naked in the sauna, we’ll just be naked in the tub. I promise I’ll behave. All you need to do is put your arms around me. Nothing more. I won’t tease you or anything.”
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea,” I said warily. “We have so much history.”
“We do,” Jennifer agreed. “And because of that history, because we love each other, we can do this. You told me about the shower Joyce helped you with after Birgit died. Was that about sex?”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“Then come on,” she said, taking my hand.
We went into the bathroom and I started the water, setting the taps so the water was as hot as we could possibly stand. I got some bubble bath that Elyse kept on the side of the tub and poured it in. It was lilac, which wasn’t my favorite, but it would do. I stripped off my clothes and climbed into the tub. Jennifer did the same thing. She was looking a lot better than when I’d seen her during the Summer — nicely filled out, gorgeous breasts with rock-hard nipples, flat stomach, neatly trimmed strawberry blonde pubic hair and long, muscular legs.
Jennifer saw me looking at her and smiled. She climbed into the tub, sat between my legs, and reclined back against my chest. I put my arms around her and rested my hands on her stomach. She sighed deeply and relaxed completely. I did the same as the water filled the tub. When it got within an inch or so of the top of the tub, Jennifer leaned forward and shut off the taps, then leaned back against me again and sighed once more.
The hot water quickly loosened up my tight muscles, and the room grew quite warm as well. It wasn’t a sauna, but for the moment, it was close enough. More interestingly, despite having a gorgeous strawberry blonde in my arms, I wasn’t sporting an erection. I was happy about that, too. It was unlikely that Jennifer and I would make love for a host of reasons, not the least of which was my promise to Kara, though she had in the end told me to do what I thought was right. All of that said, the last thing I wanted to do was to lead Jennifer on.
For me, making love with her would be a tacit admission that her goal was achievable, not just in some theoretical sense, but that there was a real chance that it could happen. I didn’t think that was the case, and that, in and of itself, was sufficient to make me extremely cautious about how I dealt with her. Even sitting naked in the tub was not without risk, because she might draw a wrong conclusion from it. She also might have ulterior motives. It wouldn’t be the first time.
I quickly struck that thought from my mind. I had to give Jennifer not just the benefit of the doubt, but real trust. The only way I could help her recover was to trust her. That was risky on my part because I stood a real chance of getting burned by her. She’d done it to me enough times in the past that I was wary. That said, I needed Jennifer to recover. I needed her as a friend and I wanted her to be happy. My happiness was tied to hers in a way similar to how my happiness was tied to Bethany’s. We might not be together, but our lives were so intertwined that if Bethany or Jennifer were hurting, I was hurting.
Jennifer was going to have a serious struggle when she went back to Stanford. She and Jocelyn were likely to have it out, and it wasn’t going to be pretty. The relationship would likely fracture, probably permanently, because they wouldn’t be able to reconcile their world views. As willing as I was to see other people’s points of view, there were some things I just couldn’t agree with nor accept as valid. Invariably, those were views that lumped entire groups of people together and, in effect, applied collective guilt to them. I believed that individuals were individuals, and that everyone should be measured by their own actions.
The water was cooling, and it was almost time to get out of the tub. Jennifer turned to her side and put her head on the right side of my chest and her hand on the left side. She sighed and snuggled against me for a moment, then got up out of the tub. I opened the drain and, after a moment, turned on the shower to rinse the suds off our bodies and from the tub. I quickly rinsed off and then stepped out of the tub. Jennifer stepped in and rinsed off. We dried ourselves and put on our robes, then went to our rooms and dressed.
New Year’s Day was calm and relaxing. We didn’t talk about us, but instead played video games, ate our meals, and relaxed listening to music. I knew at some point we’d have to finish the conversation and I figured it would be in the evening, after dinner. We took a walk before dinner, despite the chill. I cooked dinner, we ate, and then we did the dishes together. When we finished, we sat on the couch with cups of tea.
“Where are we now, Steve?” Jennifer asked.
“I guess that’s really a question for you, Jen,” I said. “You know my situation. Nothing has changed.”
“I’ve told you what my goal is. There really isn’t much more to say to you than that. I’m not asking you for anything other than to be my friend and to stay open to the possibility, however remote, that we could be together.”
“Jennifer...”
She put her finger to my lips.
“I said, ‘however remote’. I’m not obsessing or making any assumptions. But, each day, I can decide what I need to do to move towards my goal. I’ve already done that for today. I’m not expecting you to do anything at all to help me meet my goal, except, and this is important, to be my friend and help me exorcise my demons. Can you do that?”
I couldn’t let her down on either of those two things. I’d ultimately let her down on her goal, but I’d sure as hell NEVER let her down on being her friend or helping her recover.
“Yes, Jennifer, I can do that. I promise.”
“Good. I know we can’t make love. You can’t be sure that I won’t take it the wrong way. And, honestly, I can’t be sure I won’t take it the wrong way. Last Summer was different. Now that I’ve told you what I want, making love is a huge step that we can’t even think about taking now. I also suspect that it would cause severe strain between you and Kara, and I can’t do that. It wouldn’t further my goal. Instead, it would be the end of it. You would blame me, and rightly so.”
“What about Jocelyn?”
“It’s going to be messy, but I’m going to tell her what I think. It’s up to her what happens then. She’s not the only fish in the sea!” she added with a smile.
“So you’ll keep dating girls, then?”
“Oh, who knows! If I don’t end up with you, I might just stick to girls. I really feel that I could go either way in the long run.”
“You need to do what you think is best, Jen. Do what’s right for you, whatever that is.”
She smiled, “Thanks. I do have one request for you.”
“What’s that?”
“Cuddle me for a bit before we go to bed — our own beds.”
I pulled her to me on the couch and held her for about twenty minutes before we headed to bed. As we walked down the hall, she pulled me into a light hug and kissed my cheek.
“Thanks,” she said softly.
“You’re welcome.”
I slept soundly and on Saturday morning after breakfast, I took Jennifer to O’Hare for her flight back to Seattle. At the gate, when her flight was called, Jennifer gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek.
“A new beginning, Steve,” Jennifer whispered in my ear.
“Yes,” I agreed. “I’ll talk to you soon and see you in July.”
Jennifer broke the hug and turned to head to the Jetway. I grabbed her arm, turned her and pulled her into a tight hug, and kissed her lips softly.
“I love you Jennifer,” I said.
She smiled, “I love you, too, Steve.”
She handed over her boarding pass, walked to the Jetway, turned and waved, and walked onto the plane. I thought about what she had told me about her goals. In one way, I thought she was a crazy dreamer. In another way, given everything that had happened to me, maybe she wasn’t so crazy after all. Her goals and my goals diverged because of Kara, but there was no way to predict the future. Life had taught me that bitter lesson. Only time would tell. When the DC-9 pushed away from the gate, I headed back to the apartment.
At home, I cleaned up, changed the sheets on Elyse’s bed, and placed a call to the Russian Embassy in DC to let them know my flight details. They informed me that a car would be sent to meet me and that Colonel Anisimova would be at the airport when I arrived. Clearly, she’d been promoted! They verified that I would have the appropriate clothing for the dinner and I confirmed that I did. I’d rented a black tie outfit from the same shop as I had for the dinner in Chicago. If things continued with Tatyana, I’d most likely purchase my own.
The phone rang, and I answered it. It was a UofC professor calling about the couch. I let him know he could come see it right away, and he was at the apartment about fifteen minutes later. He looked at the couch, and we quickly struck a deal. He asked to use the phone and called a friend who had a pickup truck. He promised to be back around 5:00pm to pick up the couch. We shook hands, and he left.
Just before 5:00pm, I heard a key in the lock and a joyful, “Hi, Honey! I’m home!” as Elyse walked in. I let her know that the professor would be back soon to take away the couch and that our new sleep sofa would be delivered on Monday. The professor arrived a few minutes later with two other guys. He handed me cash for the agreed price and they took the couch away.
When they left, Elyse and I rearranged the room a bit so that there was enough space to fold out the new sofa bed without rearranging the room every time. By moving the computer desk slightly, we could move the couch back the one foot necessary for that to work. When we were satisfied, we went out for Italian food and ice cream.
When we returned, the light on my answering machine was blinking. I walked over and pressed play. Richie needed me to come out to the house in Cicero and take a look at a problem they were having. I stopped the machine and called him back. The problem he described sounded like an actual hardware problem, most likely a bad RAM chip. I checked with Elyse and then let him know I could meet him on Monday morning around 11:00am.
“I had hoped we could cuddle on the couch, but I guess that won’t work,” Elyse said when I hung up.
“We have the bay windows, the easy chair, the loveseat or the beds,” I chuckled, “I think we can make do!”
I went to sit in one of the easy chairs and Elyse curled up in my lap, similar to how Katt had in the past.
“So when does Warren get back?” I asked.
“Thursday, I think. There was a letter from him on my desk but I didn’t open it yet,” she said.
“Why? Go read it. See what he has to say,” I encouraged.
Elyse sighed and got off my lap, and went to her room and retrieved the letter. She sat in the other easy chair, tore it open and read it. I saw a small glint in her eye and a smile spread across her face.
“He wrote to apologize!” she said. “He wrote that he talked to a friend of his who told him he was an idiot, that if, and I’m quoting here, a hot chick like Elyse is into you, why do you care who she’s sharing an apartment with, especially if they have separate rooms?”
I chuckled, “Hot chick? Really?”
She stuck her tongue out at me and said, “You’re just jealous!”
“Don’t stick that out unless you intend to use it!” I chuckled.
She stuck it out again.
“In all seriousness,” I said gently, “we should talk about ground rules if you’re going to be with Warren.”
“Let me use my tongue first!” she smirked, putting the letter down and kneeling in front of my chair. “Just relax and enjoy!”
Fifteen minutes later, she was sitting on my lap, French kissing me.
“So, the ground rules?” I asked again.
“Until he comes back, we aren’t together, so anything goes. After that, I guess your rules about being with someone in an exclusive relationship apply.”
“They do indeed,” I confirmed. “But what I was getting at was whether or not cuddling, the occasional kiss and that kind of thing, would be problematic. With Bethany, I can’t do any of those things because it would cause problems for her personally. With Kathy, she still gives me soft French kisses when we see each other. In that way, she’s kind of like Melanie, who has been doing that for years now.”
“Sadly, I think Warren is the jealous type, so any kind of contact like that when he’s around won’t be acceptable. But I don’t want to change the way we live together, well, except for the sex part.”
“In the end, it’s up to you, Elyse,” I said. “Things will change when Kara’s here for sure. I can’t imagine she’s OK with casual nudity.”
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September 1981, Chicago, Illinois, and Milford, Ohio When Elyse arrived home she found me sitting in a beanbag chair drinking some of the bourbon that I’d had Joyce get for me. The wine was stashed in my room, though I left two bottles on the kitchen counter. “Uh oh! What’s wrong?” Elyse asked. “Just thinking,” I answered. “About Bethany?” “Yeah. It’s good, but it’s sad. She’s always depended a bit too much on me and now she’s moving on. We didn’t break up, per se, but she’s going to...
October 1981, Milford, Ohio Kara and I headed to Frisch’s for lunch. Our food arrived quickly, and we started eating. “A lot has happened in the last week,” I said. “Oh?” “Bethany has a steady boyfriend in Madison.” “Really? I had hoped something like that would happen, but I wasn’t counting on it. I always thought she was going to wait until you actually married before she did something like that. So she’s really moving on?” “That’s a good question. I would say that she’s recognized...
November, 1981, Milford, Ohio Kara came out quickly when she saw me pull into the driveway. I barely had time to stop and go around to open the door for her, for which I was rewarded with a quick peck and a sultry look of promise for later. We headed to Skyline, where Kathy wanted to meet. Kathy and Kurt were already there when Kara and I walked in. I introduced Kurt and Kara to each other, then all four of us ordered, with Kathy insisting that Kurt get 5-way. We had a nice lunch and a good...
July 1982, Dawsonville, Georgia My drive south took me into Kentucky and I stopped for lunch at Wendy’s just after I passed through Lexington. As the countryside rolled past my windows, I reflected on the things that had happened recently. I hadn’t been keeping my journal as closely as I should have and resolved to spend some time alone at Stephie’s to put my thoughts on paper so I could put them in the computer when I got back to Chicago. I was a bit concerned about the situation between...
November, 1981, Milford, Ohio Stephanie was waiting for me when I pulled into the driveway and came walking out to the car. “So?” she smirked. “A wildcat, just as you predicted. She’s going to be sore for a couple of days, I suspect.” “Tell me about it! I sure was!” “You both asked for it!” I grinned. “Oh, I’d do exactly the same if I had to do it all over again. Did you get her unconscious?” “No, I did not. And I thought we weren’t talking about stuff like this!” “Special...
August 1982, Chicago, Illinois I woke up to the alarm on Monday morning, kissed Stephie, and quickly slipped on my running clothes and headed out. I took a slow, easy pace and worked to clear my mind and prepare to shift my focus to my schoolwork. The Summer had been a combination of fun, emotional highs, emotional lows, and adapting to the reality that Kara wasn’t going to be with me this year. On the other hand, I had Stephie, Elyse, Kurt, and Kathy close, and Kara was less than six hours...
November, 1981, Milford, Ohio On Sunday, I spent the morning with Stephanie swimming and eating breakfast, as well as making my call to Karin. I had lunch with Larry before heading over to Don Joseph’s house. The weather wasn’t good enough for bocce, so I sat with Don Joseph and his friends and talked before dinner and with Larry and Joyce after dinner. When it was time to leave, Joyce followed me outside. “Can I come spend the night with you?” Joyce asked. “Sure. I’ll see you at the...
July 1982, Chicago, Illinois On Sunday morning after breakfast, Kara packed her things, said goodbye to her mom, and followed me to my car. I drove to the Spencers’ to pick up my things, where I thanked Trudy and reminded her that I’d be back on Friday. Kara and I took my bags to the car, loaded them in the trunk, and set off for Chicago. As usual, the drive was uneventful. I had encountered neither traffic nor an accident, nor been pulled over a single time despite all the back-and-forth...
May 1982, Milford, Ohio On Monday morning, I followed my usual routine for being in Milford and had lunch with Trudy Spencer after our sauna. That afternoon, Krista and Beth were coming over to talk about business. Kara would join us as well. Beth arrived about 2:30pm and Krista and Kara walked over from the school campus and arrived about 2:45pm. The three of us were very happy with how things were going. We had a total of twenty-two veterinary clients paying a monthly support fee, about a...
March, 1982, Milford, Ohio “What’s the craziest thing you’ve done, Tracey?” “That one’s easy! Asking Steve to the Sadie Hawkins Day dance!” “What?!” Kara said, looking askance. “Think about it. I was a frumpy, shy girl with no self-confidence. I asked the school sex god to take me to the dance, knowing full well I’d probably end up losing my virginity, though I was worried he wouldn’t do it with me. Boy, was I wrong! Not only did he do it, but he spent the entire next day with me doing...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio Kara and I awoke, and she took a quick shower before we drove to my parents’ house so I could swim and have breakfast with Stephanie. My dad joined us for breakfast before he had to leave for work. After cleaning up the kitchen, we went to my old room to hang out with Stephanie for about an hour before heading back to the Spencers’. Nobody was home and there was a note on the fridge that said that Frank, Trudy, Pete, and Melanie were out for the day because Frank had...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio Sandy came into my room and shut the door, shaking visibly. She leaned against the door and didn’t move further into the room. “Relax, Sandy,” I said gently, trying to ease her nerves as best I could. “Are we going to do it now?” she asked, her voice cracking with emotion. “No. We’re just going to talk,” I said. I could see visible relief. That confirmed to me that she was very nervous about doing this and I needed to be very cautious. “Talk about what?” “About...
October 1981, Chicago, Illinois I went to my room, closed the door and dialed my old number in Milford and Stephanie answered. “Hi, Stephanie!” “Hey, Big Bro! How’s Chicago?” “Pretty good. A lot of stuff is happening. But I have a favor to ask. Well, really, it’s a favor from Ed. I’m coming home this weekend and I was wondering if I could borrow the keys to the apartment.” “You and Kara? On Saturday? I’m sure the answer is yes. Where are you staying?” “I was going to call Mrs. Spencer...
March, 1982, Milford, Ohio On Wednesday morning, I swam with Stephanie and we ate breakfast together. I avoided talking about Saturday or what we might do. I still had no clue what I should do, and the implications of my decision were huge. I wondered if Stephanie could handle the conversation about the deep meaning behind what she was asking, and I wondered if she understood the implications. The fact that she and Jennifer were talking meant that she and Jennifer could have discussed this...
February, 1982, Chicago, Illinois On Monday morning, while Stephie and I were driving to school, she asked what I was doing for Valentine’s Day. I let her know I was going to Ohio, but that I’d be happy to celebrate with her either on the 11th or the 16th, because I was taking the three-day weekend in Milford. “I guess that will have to do,” she sighed, “because it does make sense that you would be with Kara on Valentine’s Day.” “Are you going to be OK, Peaches?” I asked. “Do I have a...
December, 1981, Milford, Ohio As I drove to Kara’s house, I thought more about my conversation with Bethany. And the more I thought about, the more I realized that I had totally missed the signs. I had fallen in love with Kara without feeling the connection — in a sense, our kisses, and even our first lovemaking, didn’t feel different from many other girls I’d been with. But it was different. It was different because I loved her. And, eventually, we HAD felt the spark of the connection. We...
December, 1981, Milford, Ohio I pulled into the driveway at the Spencers’ and went inside. Melanie was halfway up the stairs and turned to say hello. “Want to spend some time in the sauna with me?” she asked. “Only if you promise to behave. I need to make a phone call first, and it may take a bit of time.” “I do. And I’ll wait. If you want privacy, use the extension in my room. I can read while you’re on the phone.” I nodded and walked up to her room and shut the door. It hadn’t changed...
November 1982, Milford, Ohio After dropping Elyse in Glen Este, I headed to the Spencers’ to drop off my stuff and then drove to Kara’s house. Kara hadn’t been clear about me staying every night at her house, so I didn’t want to assume. “Hi, Snuggle Bear!” she said when she opened the door. “Hi, Honey!” I said, pulling her into a hug and kissing her. “Do you need to get your stuff?” she asked. “I wasn’t sure from our last conversation which nights I could stay here, so I dropped my...
January 1982, Chicago, Illinois Bethany and Gene arrived just before 10:00am on Sunday morning. The apartment was full as both Warren and Stephie had spent the night, and Kurt and Kathy were staying the weekend. The plan was to have a big meal together around 3:00pm so that Gene and Bethany could get back to Madison before 10:00pm. Bethany was in great spirits and seemed very happy. I hadn’t had much chance to talk to her in the past few weeks because both of us were busy with school, and I...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio Thursday, Friday, and Saturday were nearly identical — swimming and breakfast with Stephanie, spending the day with Kara, finding time for a sauna, and making love in the evening. I did end up sleeping alone on Saturday night because I took Kara home so she could go to church in the morning with her mom. She would drive to my house after church to help set up for the party, which was starting at 2:00pm and might even continue after fireworks, depending on how...
February/March, 1982, Chicago, Illinois I made good time on the drive back to Chicago despite the light drizzle that I ran into just south of Gary. I walked into the apartment to find Stephie and Elyse stretched out on the couch, each one leaning on an arm and their legs alternating so they could put them out straight. “You two look comfortable,” I said, taking off my shoes and coat and dropping my bag. “Hi, Steve,” Elyse said. “Hi, Steve,” Stephie echoed. Neither of them moved to get...
November, 1981, Chicago, Illinois “How are things going?” I asked. “Amazing!” Kathy said with a huge smile. “He’s just what I needed. Last night was the first time we could sleep in the same bed. Doing that with you was always my favorite thing!” “Oh, really?” I chuckled. “Actually, yes. You holding me in your arms while we slept was the most amazing feeling. Don’t get me wrong, the orgasms were out of this world, but feeling safe, secure, and loved; it’s the best thing there is. And I...
November, 1981, Milford, Ohio We made good time, arriving at Kathy’s house about 2:00pm. She and Kurt thanked me for the ride and we agreed that I’d pick them up at noon on Sunday so we could be back in Hyde Park by 5:00pm Chicago time and they could be back at Northwestern by 6:00pm. We agreed to have lunch on Wednesday, then I said goodbye, got back in the car, and pulled out of Kathy’s driveway to head to the Spencers’ house. Melanie and Pete were there waiting for me, and I got one of...
August/September 1981, Chicago, Illinois When Elyse and I woke up, I went for my run. When I came back, she’d showered and had changed the sheets on my bed and sprayed air freshener in the apartment. “It really smelled like us, and not in a way I want Kathy to notice!” Elyse giggled when I thanked her for cleaning up. Kathy called while I was making breakfast. She said she’d be at the 55th Street station about 9:20am according to the schedule. I told her I’d meet her there. Elyse and I...
December 1981, Chicago, Illinois I really should have guessed that what Jennifer was saying was prompted by a girlfriend who saw me as a competitor, but I had to know if it was just Jocelyn, or if it was from Jennifer’s therapist as well. “And not your therapist?” I asked. “No. The reason Doctor Clauson didn’t want me to come is because she knows how I feel about you and that you’re in a serious relationship with Kara. She’s afraid that I’ll have a serious setback, or do something stupid...
August 1981, Chicago, Illinois We ended up not getting crazy that night. We made love and fell asleep in each other’s arms. We woke up the next morning and repeated what looked like was going to be the pattern for the school year — I jogged and Elyse showered, I showered, and then we ate breakfast. “Bye, Honey! Have a good day,” she said again. I headed to IIT and after parking I walked into the Stuart Building for Computer Science 200. I’d been permitted to skip CS100 because I already...
March, 1982, Milford, Ohio Tuesday started off like usual days had when I visited Milford and after Stephanie went off to school, I played some video games and practiced pool until it was time to go and meet Susan Pollard for lunch. We met at Skyline just before 1:00pm and both of us ordered Five-Way chili. We started out by catching up on our lives. It had been a really long time since we’d talked and said more than just a brief greeting. Susan was attending Clermont Community College and...
September 1981, Milford, Ohio Friday was routine until lunchtime. Afternoon classes had been canceled for both Elyse and me because of the Labor Day weekend, so I drove back to the apartment instead of having lunch on campus. Elyse and I packed our overnight bags and waited for Kathy and Bethany, who arrived as planned, and we left Chicago just before 4:00pm. It was my goal to make the trip to Milford in just under five and a half hours, which I could do if we grabbed fast food on the way...
December, 1981, Milford, Ohio On Tuesday morning, I swam and ate breakfast with my little sister and hung out with her until it was time to head out to see Anna. I was still surprised that she’d called out of the blue, and was really curious as to what it was that she wanted. Even though I hadn’t driven to her house before, I’d been there enough times to remember how to get there. I parked in the driveway, then walked up to the front door and rang the bell. Anna opened the door almost...
December, 1981, Chicago, Illinois I made good time on my drive back to Chicago, arriving just before dinner. Other than one stop for gasoline and the restroom, I had driven straight through. When I pulled up in front of the apartment, I didn’t feel like cooking, so I parked, dropped my things inside, and then walked to the Chinese restaurant and got takeout. I took it back to my apartment, retrieved two weeks’ of mail from the mailbox, then went inside. I set the food on the table and sorted...
July 1982, Milford, Ohio It was getting close to the time that both Kara and I had to leave, and Kara was still crying softly as I held her in my arms. I simply held her tight and occasionally kissed her hair and whispered that I loved her in her ear. “Kara honey, are you going to be OK to have lunch with your mom? Do you need me to call off my lunch with Anna and stay with you?” She sniffed, “No. I need to pull myself together. Mom’s expecting me and I don’t want her to worry or be...