My Girls II The End Of Cycles The Beginning Of KnowledgeChapter 15
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"Are you sure you want to know?" Megan asked, as I sobbed and shook like a leaf. I lay my head on Victoria's shoulder, crying, as I started to tell her. I started talking twice, then decided I had to get myself under better control to make any sense. I took several deep breaths, then got myself at least to the point that I could talk.
"I... I'm sorry, Victoria, I am just so upset. It wasn't mine!" My voice caught as I stated that. Victoria looked at me, not comprehending.
"I don't understand, Patrick. What wasn't yours? What are you talking about?" She looked as confused as she sounded. Megan was looking at me with big, sad eyes, shining brightly with unshed tears.
"The baby," I choked out. "It wasn't mine!" I couldn't go on. I sat there, waiting for her to absorb it. Suddenly, her eyes got big, and she gasped as she realized what I was saying. She stared at me, disbelievingly.
"Oh God, Patrick, you can't be serious! How do you know that? I don't believe it! Elizabeth loved you; she would never cheat on you!" Now we were all crying. That didn't make me feel any better.
"It's the timing, Victoria. She has been in Iraq for two months. She was in Israel for the month before that. I did fly in to see her between Israel and Iraq, but it was only for one day, and we didn't... do anything like that. She was two months pregnant and I haven't been... with her for over three and a half months." I was trying to calm down; I could see I was upsetting her and that was not my intention.
"Maybe they timed the age of the fetus wrong... that could happen." I could see even she didn't believe that; they were very good about that and I couldn't see them making a month and a half error. I wished that were it. I was deluged again in a wave of despair.
"God, I'm such a fool! All this time, I thought she just wasn't coming home because she was just so wrapped up in her job. How stupid could I be? The one thing I always was completely sure of was that Elizabeth loved me. I never doubted that, not even once. What I am really upset about is that she didn't at least come home more often to see the girls. If she had a problem with me, or was involved with someone else, why make the girls suffer? She's been that way for a long time. Has this been going on that long? Has my whole marriage been a sham? I should have listened to you back in high school, Victoria." I couldn't believe how much it hurt talking about this.
'Don't say that, Patrick! I know she loved you! She did! She just showed it different from others. I just can't believe this. There has to be some other explanation. Unless..." She looked at me, eyes wide, and whispered, "Unless it was... Robert's? Were they that close to each other? He was about the only one she ever mentioned from over there. They went everywhere together." I looked at her closely for a minute before answering. I felt really funny talking about her dead husband like this to her.
"I don't know, Victoria," I answered. "I thought of that, but I don't know if they were that close. Frankly, I didn't want to even bring that up, as I was not sure how you would feel about it. I have hurt you so badly the last few days, Victoria, I didn't want to take the chance of hurting you some more." Victoria smiled at me and gave me a big hug.
"How would you feel about it, Patrick?" Victoria asked.
"I wish I knew that's what it was. I would have no problems whatsoever about that. They have been so good to us in that way and I certainly wouldn't begrudge them the same opportunity to express their love. I just don't think they would do something like that without letting us know. This almost seems like a big secret. I don't know how we could track that down anyway. We could do DNA testing on Robert, Elizabeth and the fetus to see. That might start rumors, though." I just thought I had always known Elizabeth better than that. I guess the husband really was the last one to know.
Victoria and Megan finally talked me into going back to bed. To make sure I did, and to take my mind off my grief, they both lay down on either side of me and we all went to sleep.
I woke up the next morning to Victoria snuggled up close to my side, sleeping peacefully. I was used to that. The one that surprised me, however, was Megan. She was snuggled close also, with her leg and arm draped over my body, her head on my chest. Red hair absolutely everywhere. I loved her hair. I felt a twinge of guilt, as it felt really nice having her that close to me. She woke up shortly after I did, opened her eyes, and gave me a sweet little smile. I watched her face with interest as she suddenly realized where, and more importantly, who she was with and draped all over. She turned the most spectacular red color I have ever seen, began sputtering an apology, and started to move away. I couldn't help but laugh, the first good one I had in days. I grabbed her and held her close as she tried to apologize again.
"Megan... it's ok. I know you love me and you know I love you. Elizabeth would have had no problems with this. I appreciate everything you have done for me." I reached over and gave her a quick kiss, flustering her even more.
"Actually, I think she might have had a problem with it. I think she was always afraid I would steal you away from her," she whispered, trying to keep from waking up Victoria. I shrugged my shoulders.
"Maybe she wasn't as concerned about that as you always thought she was," I said dejectedly.
Megan looked at me, biting her lower lip. I knew what that meant in my teenage girls. I assumed it meant the same thing with her.
"Ok, Megan, what do you know that I don't?" She looked at me in surprise, than blushed.
"Patrick... please trust me. There may be another explanation for this. I can't tell you yet. Please trust me. Don't get too upset about this yet. It's possible Elizabeth didn't even know she was pregnant and... I know this doesn't sound right, but there is no other way to express it... had nothing to do with it." She held up her hand to stop the questions. "Please. I can't tell you anything more right now. Just don't be too hard on her until we know more. And Patrick... if you decide to do DNA testing, do it on yourself also." She saw my puzzled look and just shook her head.
We finally made it out of the room and went to breakfast. My sleepyhead girls actually were up before me today. They gave us a funny look, all three coming out of the same bedroom. Amy was about to make a smart aleck remark until she saw my face and bit her tongue. I hugged and kissed Amy, tweaked Cindi's nose, smiled at Becky and Katie, and headed for the food. Cindi gave me a funny look, but went back to her food. Shortly afterward, she went to her room.
We hung around the house for most of the morning, packing and getting ready to fly back. Our flight was at 5:00 PM. We spent time with Amanda, thanking her repeatedly for her hospitality and all she had done. We promised to stay in touch and to see her when we got the chance.
The plane ride back was long and exhausting. It was also stressful. The news was filled with updates on Elizabeth. I was tired of hearing it. I think the girls were too. Cindi seemed bothered the most by it all. She sat off by herself when we were able to move around the plane. She seemed upset about something. One of the other girls would periodically sit with her and they would talk for awhile.
The next day or two, before the funeral, was long and stressful. I didn't really have much time to spend with any of the girls. Amy sought me out a few times and I spent some time with her, but Cindi pretty much avoided me. I wasn't sure why, but I just didn't have that much time to try and find out. She talked to me whenever I talked to her, but that was about it. She seemed pretty depressed with everyone. I resolved to spend some time with her after the funeral, to see if I could help.
The day after we got back, the mammal excremental waste hit the oscillating atmospheric cooling device (bull shit hit the fan!). 'A reliable source' broke the news that Elizabeth was two months pregnant when she was killed. Then, there were various nebulous reports, from 'anonymous sources' that reported that she was a somewhat wild party girl who played around a lot, and that the baby was not her husband's. I knew the pregnancy would come out eventually, but I thought it would at least wait until after the funeral. I had no choice now; staying low key was just going to lend support to the rumors. I scheduled a news conference and announced that Elizabeth had been pregnant, that I had been aware of that, and that the baby was mine. I made sure Amy didn't go to the press conference. Some reporter asked me if I was sure it was mine, and had I had DNA testing done. I told them I was sure and I didn't need that type of testing to tell. At least they couldn't prove it, as they couldn't do DNA testing without my approval or unless a crime had been committed.
The girls were devastated by all this. Teenage girls take the death of a baby extremely hard anyway, and they were getting more and more upset by the subtle character assassination that seemed to be going on against their mother. It was hard for me to protect her any more than I had, outright lying about the baby, because I wasn't sure it was mine. I didn't know if everything they were saying was true or not. I was getting more and more depressed, and the girls were too, especially Cindi. In the middle of this, before the funeral, things finally blew up with Cindi.
I was sitting in my bedroom, reading a book, when Victoria walked in and closed the door. She walked up to me, took the book out of my hands, and closed it.
"How are you feeling, Patrick?" She asked, voice filled with concern.
"Ok. I've been better, but I am all right." I answered.
"Are you sure?" She asked.
"Yes, Victoria, I feel fine."
"Good," she stated emphatically. "Then I won't have to feel guilty, as I would if you were feeling bad, when I kick your ass!" She didn't seem quite so concerned suddenly.
"What are you talking about?" I asked. I knew her well enough to know that she was mostly not kidding; something I had done was upsetting her.
"What is your problem with Cindi? Why are you ignoring her and treating her like dirt?"
"I don't have any idea what you are talking about, Victoria. You are going to have to be a little less cryptic than that if you expect me to be a participant in this conversation." Like I needed this right now.
"Do you know what your daughter Cindi is doing right now?" She asked. I was on a short temper lately and I was getting irritated. I was not in the mood for games. Who the hell ever knew what a thirteen year old girl was doing? Or what it meant if we did know. God made it that way to keep us adults from going bonkers.
"No, Victoria, I don't know. Suppose you tell me, since you think it is so important." I shot back.
"She just got back from the store. She bought some black hair dye. She is going to dye her hair black." She looked at me, as if I should know what this meant.
"What?!? She has beautiful blond hair! Why would she dye it black?"
"She's dyeing it black because Amy's hair is black, and Daddy loves Amy, and so she figures that if she dyes it black, then Daddy will stop hating her and love her again like he used to, just like he loves Amy, because she won't look like Mommy anymore." That had to be a direct quote from Cindi, run on sentence and all. It must have pained Victoria, as a teacher, to repeat that sentence word for word. Victoria looked like she was so mad she could easily hit me. What the hell did I have to do with this? I was flabbergasted.
"That's got to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard! What the hell is the matter with her?" Geez, I had to deal with this crap now too?
"Good, Patrick. Why don't you just go out there tell her she is stupid and ask her what the hell is the matter with her? That should really help." Victoria seemed really serious about this. I took a deep breath and calmed down, as much as I could these days. I never understood females, and teenage females were such a special breed that they broke the mold after they were made. I had no idea what was going on here, but I trusted Victoria, and if she was upset, then maybe I was doing something. I almost understood her sometimes. Bullshit, what was I saying?
"Ok, Victoria, tell me what is going on. Why does Cindi think I don't love her anymore? Why are you convinced she has a point? Explain it to me, so I can fix it." I should have had boys. Once she saw I was willing to listen, Victoria softened her stand.
"Patrick. I have been looking back on this, ever since Cindi made her announcement. Let me list the ways you have treated her. This morning, you kissed Amy, and patted Cindi on the head. The last time, you kissed Amy and stroked Cindi's hair briefly. Before that, you hugged and kissed Amy and tweaked Cindi's nose. Before that, you kissed Amy and touched Cindi's cheek briefly. You haven't held her on your lap, kissed her, hugged her or showed her any real affection since the day we came back from the hospital after finding out Elizabeth had been pregnant." She looked at me, waiting for my response.
Victoria knew me well. She knew I had almost total recall of events. She knew I was objective; that I was harder on myself than anyone else. I played back all the recent events in my mind. I came to the conclusion that she was right. But did it mean anything? I was confused. Obviously, Victoria knew where she was going with this, so let's see what she had to say.
"Ok, Victoria, I can see where you are coming from. So, why am I doing this? Obviously, the two of you are convinced it is not coincidental. Help me out, dear." Victoria smiled sadly.
"I think you are unconsciously doing it because she looks so much like Elizabeth and you are so mad at Elizabeth you can't see straight. If what you suspect is true, your wife had an affair on you. Cindi didn't. She had nothing to do with it. Stop taking it out on her."
Shit! Could I really be that stupid and insensitive? I'm afraid so. Well, I needed to resolve this issue right now. I headed for the door.
"I will be right back," I told Victoria. I walked through the house, looking for Cindi. Amy saw me, started to say something, saw the look on my face and closed her mouth. I finally found Cindi in the bathroom. She was getting ready to dye her hair black! God! Teenagers!
I walked into the bathroom, walked up to her, took the package of dye out of her hand, and threw it in the wastebasket.
"Dad!" She squeaked. "I just bought that!" I turned her around to face me, put my arms around her, and lifted her up into my arms. She squeaked again, and wrapped her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist in self defense, to keep from falling. I don't know why I did what I did next, but I kissed her. On the lips. Hard. Not a Daddy kiss. She struggled in surprise for about half a second, then closed her eyes and wrapped her arms and legs around me as tight as she could and kissed me back. She opened her mouth, as did I, and she slid her tongue in my mouth. We played with each other's tongues for a little while, and then she suddenly squealed and shook all over, her body trembling. She gasped and cried out as she buried her head between my neck and shoulder.
"Oh, God, Daddy," she moaned and clung to me, shaking violently, as she whimpered softly.
I came to my senses as I realized what I was doing. I held her tight and whispered softly to her.
"I'm sorry, Cindi, I didn't know I was ignoring you. Sweetheart, I don't know what came over me just now. I shouldn't have done that. Forgive me." She looked at me, with a stunned look on her face.
"Forgive you? For what? For just fulfilling several fantasies I have had since I was eight years old? Oh God, Daddy! I love you so much!" I looked at her in astonishment.
"Cindi, sweetheart... did you just..." I couldn't say it. She confirmed it by blushing bright red and nodding.
"I think so, Daddy. I've never done it before, but I think that is what that was. I'm sorry, Daddy. Now is not exactly the time to be making out with my Daddy, is it? Please forgive me; I know you are grieving for Mommy. I just needed to have you hold me so bad; I just kind of lost it."
I kissed her softly and set her down. She leaned against me, holding on as she trembled still. I apologized again to her. I knew actions like I had just done sometimes came at the most inappropriate times, especially where death was involved, but I still felt guilty.
"So, do you believe now that I still love you? I'm sorry, dear."
"It's ok, Daddy. I guess I better go." She blushed bright red again and giggled nervously. "I have to go... um... change my panties!" She hid her face in her hands. "Oh God, did I just say that? I guess you better go too. We seem to have attracted a crowd." She giggled nervously. I looked around, and saw Amy and Victoria peeking around the door, with the other four not far behind. Geez; Victoria was acting just like a teenager! Amy and the other girls had a half shocked, half-jealous look on their faces. I just put my face in my hands. Oh shit! Could anything else go wrong? I was so embarrassed, and I was sure they would never let me live this down. Surprisingly, none of them said anything; they just stepped aside as I walked out.
I went back into my bedroom and closed the door. Like that would keep Victoria out. Two minutes later, she opened the door and walked in.
"Don't you ever knock?" I asked, irritably. She grinned.
"Nope! Don't see what else you could hide or be doing in here more interesting than that!" She smiled for the first time in days.
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