The Rask RebellionChapter 20: Bucket List free porn video

Cooper watched from behind the bars of his cage as Korbaz came stumbling into her quarters, a crystal decanter of what looked like wine clasped tightly in one of her furry hands. She was off-balance, her cheeks flushed pink. Was she drunk?

He had been sitting in his cell below deck, minding his own business, when two guards had brought him up to her room and tossed him into the cage. He’d been expecting another attempt at seduction, but something was off.

She made her way over to her bed, sitting heavily on the side of the mattress, the springs creaking under her weight. She lifted the decanter to her lips, taking a long draw from it, then sighed loudly.

“What’s gotten into you, hairball?” Cooper asked.

“Everyone is going to die,” she announced, waving the decanter as she loosed a bitter chuckle. “You’re going to die, I’m going to die, we’re all going to die!”

“Uh, why?” Cooper inquired. She was slurring her words, he had never seen her like this before. The Admiral was usually so careful about how others perceived her, she had such poise and confidence, but that was all gone now.

“The Matriarch,” she continued, spilling a little of her drink on the carpet as she gestured with the decanter. “Has ordered me to turn the fleet around. We’re going to charge headlong into the Coalition formation.”

“That’s ... a bad plan,” Cooper muttered.

“A glorious death ... remembered forever!” Korbaz ranted. “We’ll all get little medals to pin on our corpses!”

“So ... the Matriarch has ordered the entire fleet to their deaths, and you’re going along with that?” Cooper asked. He rose to his feet, gripping one of the bars of his cage as he peered out at her. “Have you lost your mind? The Kodiaks will tear your crawlers apart like they’re made of fucking paper, it’ll be a bloody massacre!”

“Lost my mind?” she wondered, taking another gulp of her wine. “No, I’m just a little drunk. The banquet was boring me, you see, and ... did you always have one arm?”

Cooper stared at her in disbelief for a moment, then gestured to his loose sleeve.

“Of course I’ve always had one arm, you idiot! You confiscated the other one when you brought me aboard!”

“Well, that won’t do,” the grumbled as she rose to her feet unsteadily. She swayed for a moment, leaning on the side of the bed for balance, then moved over to the intercom on the wall. There was a hiss of static as she fumbled with the button, Cooper not quite able to hear the alien voice on the other end. “This is the Admiral, get me Vitza.” Was she too drunk to remember to switch to her native language? She waited for a few seconds, the Chief Engineer presumably answering her summons. “Vitza, little Vitza, this is your Admiral. I want you to bring the human’s arm to my quarters. Yes, I want you to reattach it! No, I am quite sure. Do not,” she paused to hiccup, “question my orders!”

Apparently satisfied, she stumbled back over to the bed, resuming her drinking.

“What are you doing?” Cooper asked suspiciously, frowning at her as she watched him from the foot of the mattress. “Why are you giving me my arm back?”

“Because,” she began, the pink liquid staining the sheets as she swung the decanter around. “You were right about me. You were right! I’m sitting there at the head of the banquet table, surrounded by Rask who would do whatever I asked of them, and all I can think about ... is you.”

“Me?”

“My high status has been my undoing,” she lamented, taking another swig. “When I was young and ambitious, everything was exciting, new. It seemed like I was in a fight every day, and each one ended with sex that was better than the last. But,” she added, another hiccup seeming to surprise her. “The higher I rose through the ranks, the fewer people were willing to challenge me. Now, I’m commanding a fleet, I am second in authority only to the Matriarch herself.” She spread her arms, gesturing to the fineries that surrounded her. “I have achieved everything that I ever wanted, I could have any member of the crew that I desired, they would worship me like a goddess. Yet the idea of being doted on by servile, simpering whelps bores me to tears. All that my success has brought me is loneliness and misery.”

She finished off her drink, her long, prehensile tongue snaking into the neck of the decanter to seek out the last few drops of liquid.

“Why the hell are you telling me this?” Cooper demanded, narrowing his eyes at her. “I’m not your friend, we fucking hate each other.”

“Isn’t it ironic?” she laughed, tossing the empty decanter onto her bed. “My enemy is my sole confidante, the only person to whom I can speak freely, the only one who will give me an honest reply.”

“That still doesn’t explain why you’re giving me my arm back,” he complained.

“Do you know what they’re doing in the banquet hall right now?” she asked.

“How the fuck would I?” he shot back, “I’m in a bloody cage.”

“They’re having ... an orgy,” she continued, ignoring his outburst. “Most of the crew is fucking whoever takes their fancy, pouring wine over each other’s naked, sweaty bodies. They’re eating their fill of delicacies from around the planet, and I...” She stopped again, slumping her shoulders as she stared at the droplets of wine that had stained the carpet. “I can’t bring myself to join in. We’re supposed to be celebrating our last night alive, indulging in all of life’s pleasures, yet the idea of being eaten out by another submissive Crewmaster had me turning tail.”

“I’m supposed to feel bad for you because you’re not in the mood for an orgy?” Cooper scoffed. “This is really professional behavior, by the way, throwing swinger’s parties on your warships. No wonder you’re fucking losing.”

There was a chime from the door, Korbaz shouting for whoever it was to enter. Vitza came walking in with Cooper’s prosthetic arm clutched in one hand, glancing between the two of them warily.

“Ah, Vitza,” Korbaz began. “It’s about time. Please reattach our guest’s arm.”

“You are ... quite sure, Admiral?” he asked. He had always been so submissive when Cooper had seen him previously, he was surprised that the engineer had the stones to question her. “It’s just that ... it was removed because of the danger that it potentially posed to-”

“Yes, yes,” she mumbled with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Just put it back on him, however you tinkerers do it...”

Vitza walked over to the cage, unlocking the door and stepping inside. He seemed wary of Cooper, even though he had no reason to want to harm the Rask. He unzipped his suit and pulled it down to his waist to expose the empty socket to the engineer, who began to reattach the prosthetic, clipping it onto the ball joint that jutted from his shoulder. With a click that Cooper felt resonate through his chest cavity, it was reattached, a flood of sensation assailing him as the synthetic nerves reestablished their lost connections. It was a little like sleeping on one’s arm wrong and waking to find it numb, the tingling gradually abating as Vitza finished his work.

The engineer stepped back, Cooper flexing his polymer fingers, a smile brightening his face. He was whole once again.

Vitza hurried out of the cage and locked the door, sparing one last glance at his inebriated Admiral before making for the exit. He probably expected Cooper to tear the cage open and wring Korbaz’s neck, which was certainly on the table. Weaponizing a prosthetic was illegal, but having them be magnitudes stronger and more durable than flesh and blood was an unavoidable element of their construction.

“You realize that I could choke the life out of you, right?” he asked as he eyed the Admiral.

“Flirting already?” she replied with a smirk, Cooper cocking an eyebrow at her. “You’re the only person on this crawler who can give me what I want tonight,” she continued, “the only one to whom my rank and status mean nothing.”

“You’ve offered yourself to me before, and it didn’t work,” he replied, finally able to cross his arms in defiance once more. “What makes you think that this time is any different?”

“I don’t care about interrogating you anymore,” she grumbled. “All of the temptations and promises and threats were merely an attempt to get information on Coalition tanks out of you. We can’t penetrate their armor, and we needed to know their weak points, some way to beat them. Doesn’t matter now, we’re all doomed anyway.”

She lay back on the bed, staring at the ceiling as she reminisced.

“When I worked on the Pinwheel as a diplomat, there was a human who I liked,” she began with a drunken chuckle. “He was the station’s security chief. He was an amputee, like you, and I wanted him ‘so’ badly. I loved his scars, the way that he always defied me, the idea that this little human might even have the strength to take me in a fight. I was never able to sway him either,” she sighed, more bitterness creeping into her voice. “You’re a lot like him,” she added, turning her head to peer at Cooper. “You’re more aggressive than he was, though. You’re foul-mouthed, confrontational, absolutely fearless. I find it harder to bury my feelings when I’m around you, the way you push my buttons makes me crazy.”

“If you’re expecting a pity fuck after everything that you put me through,” he began, but she shook her head.

“I just want to feel alive again one more time before I die. Win or lose, I don’t care, I just want to have you.”

“Listen to me, you drunk lunatic,” he began. “The Matriarch has lost, and she’d rather kill everyone in your fleet than admit it. You’re the Admiral, you can do something about it. Contact the Coalition, surrender to them, and you won’t be harmed. Better yet, let me talk to them. I know you care about your crew, I’ve seen it, don’t let them all die for nothing!”

“I can’t do anything,” Korbaz grumbled. “When I told her that I wanted to surrender, she called me a coward.”

“Wait, you actually told the Matriarch that you wanted to throw in the towel, and she said no? Korbaz, listen, you already made the right decision. The Matriarch isn’t here. She can’t punish you for doing what you know makes sense. Fuck her!”

“You don’t understand,” she continued, rolling over on the bed. She pushed her face into the sheets, her voice muffled. “Doesn’t matter if I defy the Matriarch, the Crewmasters will still carry out her orders.”

“Are you sure about that?” Cooper asked, wrapping his hands around the bars on the door to his cage. “If they’re having some kind of ... send-off orgy, then surely you’ve told them that they’re about to kick the bucket? They can’t all be fine with that. For fuck’s sake, you’re marching them into a bloody meat grinder!”

“What would you have me do?” she chuckled, freeing herself from the sheets. “Would you have me start a mutiny against the Matriarch? Who would follow me?”

“The people who don’t want to fucking die for no good reason,” he replied adamantly.

“I don’t want to think about this,” Korbaz mumbled, waving her hand at him like she was trying to swat a fly. “I just wanted to get drunk and fuck.”

Cooper considered for a moment. He could break out of this cage if he wanted to, take out Korbaz while she was vulnerable, escape her quarters. But then what? He couldn’t take on the whole crawler, and even if he managed to get away, where would he go? They were in the middle of a desert. What’s more, could he really live with himself if he abandoned these people to their fate? Korbaz was smart, she understood what was happening here. She had even tried to sell the Matriarch on ending the war if he understood her drunken ranting correctly. All she needed was a little convincing, and hundreds of lives would be saved, but how could he get through to her?

“Oi, Korbaz,” he yelled. She was lying on her face again, and he was worried that she might have passed out. He was relieved to see one of her furry ears swivel in his direction. “If you pull me out of this cage and try to force yourself on me, I won’t fight back. I’ll make sure that I’m as limp and as submissive as every other cat on this crawler. It’ll be my mission to make it the most disappointing lay that you’ve ever had.”

She lifted her head, scowling at him.

“But ... if I play your game, if I give you what you want ... will you hear me out? Will you seriously consider finding a way out of this mess?”

“Y-you’ll really do it?” she asked, her eyes wide. “You’ll put up a fight, make it exciting?”

“Ever since your cunt soldiers dragged me onto this piece of shit crawler, you’ve done nothing but piss me off,” he snarled. He wasn’t being entirely serious, but this was like seduction to her. He had to make her believe it. “Playing along would have meant losing, but now, it’s no longer about codes and secrets. Hell,” he added, flexing his prosthetic arm and listening to the whir of the motors. “Now that I’m all together again, I feel like I might just be able to take you...”

Korbaz could barely contain her delight, rising to her knees, her claws sinking into the mattress. She looked like a kid on Christmas morning. It might have been cute if she wasn’t an eight-foot killing machine who was serving an insane despot.

“No tricks?” she asked excitedly. “I ... I really get to have you?”

“No tricks,” he replied. “You get a chance to settle whatever weird amputee human thing you have going on, and I get a chance to pay you back for all the bullshit you’ve put me through. But when we’re done, I’m going to talk, and you’re going to bloody well listen. Deal?”

Korbaz stumbled to her feet, making her way over to the door and hitting a panel on the frame, locking it.

“Deal,” she confirmed, returning to his cage. She fumbled with the key, unlocking the door, standing back as Cooper stepped out.

“One thing,” he added, rolling his shoulders. “No scratches on the face, yeah? It survived a plasma attack, and I don’t want to mess it up.”

“You’re too fragile for that anyway,” she replied, wetting her lips. “That’s one of the reasons humans are so exciting, we have to find more ... creative ways to break you.”

“What happens if I win?” he asked. “Do I get to be Admiral instead of you?”

“It doesn’t work that way,” she chuckled, her prior self-pity seemingly forgotten.

“But you’ll listen to me if I get one over on you?”

“Maybe,” she replied with a shrug, flexing her claws like a human might crack their knuckles. “You’ll have to find out. How’s the arm?” she added, nodding to his prosthetic.

“Systems are all reconnected,” he replied, the two beginning to square off.

“Good,” she hissed, baring her teeth in a grin. She struck with surprising speed, her claws whistling through the air, Cooper raising his forearm to block the blow. Her curved talons bit into the polymer, carving out furrows in the black housing, Cooper feeling the impact shake his socket. While prosthetics could be many times stronger and more durable than flesh and blood limbs, they generally only had as much leverage as whatever bone they were connected to could provide. An amputee couldn’t lift a truck, his arms would simply snap off where they joined to his organic body.

Cooper recovered quickly, ducking beneath Korbaz’s arms, darting in to deliver a savage punch to her stomach. She gasped, doubling over, perhaps not expecting him to be able to hit that hard. He skipped out of her range as she swiped at him again, his prosthetic leg whirring as he danced. She was fast, far stronger than he was, but he got the impression that her inebriation was dulling her reaction times and making her clumsy.

“Boxing,” Korbaz growled, wiping her mouth with the back of her furry hand. “I learned of this fighting style during my time on the station. Many Rask assume that you are defenseless, but humans have reinforced knuckles designed for blunt attacks. Good...”

“I’ve been in my fair share of fights,” he replied, “and I’m not unarmed...”

Korbaz lunged, her claws flashing, but he dodged out of her path. Before she had a chance to recover, he dashed in, lifting his prosthetic knee and driving it into the side of her leg. She buckled, her head coming into range of his fist, Cooper driving it into her face with a swift jab. Blood spurted from her pink nose, Korbaz snarling in a blend of surprise and pain. She lifted him with her forearm, tossing him across the room like a toy. He slammed into one of the many finely-carved tables, his weight smashing it, the legs collapsing.

He lifted himself out of the wreckage, brushing splinters of wood off his pressure suit.

“Ugh, fuck this gravity,” he groaned, cracking his neck as he took up a defensive stance. “Feels like I fell down a flight of stairs.”

Korbaz pressed a pad against her nose, pulling it away to see that it was wet with blood. Her long tongue snaked out of her mouth, reaching up to sample it, her lips curling into a smile.

“I can’t remember the last time I tasted my own blood,” she purred, her amber eyes fixing on him. “It makes me feel young again.”

“And this is sexy to you?” he wondered, making his way back over to the center of the room. “You guys have a fucked up idea of courtship.”

“Think of it as foreplay,” she replied, hunching over as she began to circle around him. He raised his fists, matching her movements, weaving left and right to keep her guessing as to where the next strike would come from.

“I’d rather think of it as payback,” he said, narrowing his eyes at her. She lunged again, but her drunkenness was throwing off her balance, Cooper taking advantage to grip her purple sash with his left hand. He used it as leverage, swinging his prosthetic fist into her kidney, another groan of pain coming from the feline. This time, she managed to return the favor, her black claws swiping across his chest. They tore into his pressure suit, skimming the surface of his skin as he leapt clear. It was just enough to draw a few drops of blood, Cooper feeling the dull sting as he recovered.

Korbaz brought her claws to her lips, sampling his taste, her cheeks flushed red.

“I gotta say,” Cooper said, rolling his shoulders. “This feels like a healthier way of settling our differences than what you’ve been doing so far.”

“I’m glad you’re coming around,” she chuckled, straightening her sash. Her clothes creaked when she moved, the tight leather straining against her muscular rump and thighs. She eyed the slashed pressure suit, seeming pleased with herself. “I hope I didn’t cut too deep, little morsel. I’m trying not to cleave you in two.”

“You think I give a fuck about some scratches?” he scoffed. “You can’t imagine the pain of plasma burns, you might as well be tickling me with a fucking feather.”

“You’re such a wild little creature,” she laughed. She really was enjoying this, she actually looked ... happy. They weren’t trying to kill each other, after all, it was more like sparring. He had to admit, his blood was really flowing, his racing heart pumping adrenaline through his veins. It felt amazing to have his arm back, to be able to ‘do’ something about his situation, finally.

“Come at me, you feral fuck,” he barked. His insult filled her with glee, the Rask charging in, her heavy footsteps shaking the deck beneath his feet. He dodged out of the way just in time, using his prosthetic leg to trip her, sending her five hundred pound frame crashing to the floor. She landed near the wall, tearing down one of the flowing drapes as she lost her balance, the fabric cascading down to bury her. Cooper didn’t waste the opportunity, darting in to deliver a few opportunistic jabs to the writhing pile as she struggled to free herself.

He retreated as she tore through the purple material, shredding it like a blender, strips of fabric slowly floating to the carpet. She turned to glare at him, throwing off the remnants of the curtain. She gripped her sash in her hand, tearing it from her chest, the medals that adorned it clattering as she tossed it to the floor. Next came her jacket, the Admiral shrugging it off, exposing the grey tank top that she was wearing beneath it. Her dusky skin glistened with moisture, her top stained with sweat, Korbaz reaching up to brush her damp fringe out of her red face.

Cooper’s eyes were inexorably drawn to her chest, her breasts swaying beneath her top, her nipples pressing into the fabric. Her cleavage was soaked with exertion, making her skin shine beneath the chandelier. Her boobs were large and heavy enough to have broken a human woman’s back, but Korbaz carried them with ease.

“That’s the spirit,” she purred, noticing where he was looking. “Do you understand now? Are you feeling it?”

“I’m feeling ‘something’,” he muttered. The torn suit was bothering him, so he gripped the material with his prosthetic hand, tearing it away to expose his upper body. He let the tattered garment hang around his waist, Korbaz playing her eyes over his strange physique, muscle and flesh giving way to polymer and metal.

“Does it hurt?” she asked, her eyes fixed on the trio of red trails that she had left across his chest. “Do you enjoy the sting of sweat in a fresh cut as I do?”

“You’re fucking crazy,” he chuckled, shaking his head at the absurdity of it all. “No wonder nobody else on this crawler wants to tangle with you.”

“Just wait,” she hissed, stalking across the carpet towards him. “When I win this fight, I’m going to drown you in pleasure. I’ll fuck you until you’re numb, you adorable ... wretched little...”

She swung at him, but Cooper gripped her wrist in his prosthetic hand, stopping it dead. The electric motors whirred, the frame creaking as her bicep bulged, her eyes wild as she pitted her strength against his. Cooper’s feet skidded a little on the carpet, but he held her there, his fingers tightening their hold. Their prior intentions forgotten, they remained locked together in a kind of impromptu arm wrestling match for a few moments longer, Korbaz eventually breaking away.

She rubbed her wrist, flexing her fingers, looking him up and down with a new appreciation.

“Yeah,” Cooper said, keeping a safe distance. “Not such easy prey, am I?”

“It wouldn’t be this much fun if you were,” she cooed. She surprised him by dashing closer, the muscles in her legs like coiled springs, sending her massive body powering across the room. It was only thanks to her lack of coordination that he was able to get out of her way, Korbaz struggling to turn, crashing into the shower cubicle. She went straight through whatever plastic substitute it used instead of glass, shattering it in much the same way, the fragments cascading over her. It didn’t seem to be sharp enough to cut, Korbaz shaking herself like a dog, sending a few stray pieces flying.

“Looks like you’re not getting your deposit back,” Cooper muttered, the transparent plastic crunching under her feet as she made her way back over to him. She charged again, her claws narrowly missing his head as he ducked under her blow. Cooper delivered a flurry of rapid punches to her belly, her rock-hard abs protecting her from his human limb, but not the prosthetic. He darted out of her reach again before she could retaliate, Korbaz rubbing her belly as Cooper waved his organic hand to dispel the pain.

“Are you smuggling rocks under there?” he complained. “Fuck!”

“Did you hurt your paw, little kitten?” she cooed in a mocking tone.

Cooper decided to stop playing fair, eyeing a nearby stool, and lifting it. It was heavy, but not so much that he couldn’t toss it at her with his prosthetic, rushing closer as Korbaz raised her arms to block it. It smashed into pieces, the three legs breaking off, Cooper using the opening to deliver another swift punch. This one was aimed at her throat, the Admiral’s hands wrapping around her neck as she hacked and gagged, stumbling backwards.

“You little bastard,” she wheezed, surprising him with her tail. She wrapped it around his ankle, pulling his foot out from under him, sending Cooper crashing to the carpet. The impact knocked the air out of him, even a short fall on this planet hurt like a motherfucker. Korbaz leaned over, swiping at him, Cooper rolling clear as her talons raked the carpet where he had just been lying.

He sprang to his feet again, Korbaz giving her throat one last rub.

“You’re getting tired,” he jibed, “I can see it.”

“You humans have a lot of stamina,” she replied, “I’ll put that to good use.”

She advanced on him, Cooper dodging out of her long reach as her claws sliced through the air. He put another of the round tables between the two of them, its polished surface sporting more of the glass vials that the Rask favored over cups. There was a large, golden candelabra sitting in the center, its ornate arms draped with melted wax. Korbaz lunged, reaching over it to get at him, swiping the heavy ornament aside. It crashed to the carpet, the table soon following after it as she upended it, tossing it out of her path. The crystal vials shattered on the carpet, Korbaz paying them no mind as she advanced on him.

Another of her powerful blows was deflected, Cooper delivering a jab to her side that made her grunt. Her bones were like steel, such a punch would have fractured the ribs of a human. The rampaging alien answered him with another backhanded swipe, lifting him off his feet and tossing him into the wall. The impact was somewhat cushioned by one of the many tapestries that were hanging up all over the crawler, the heavy material coming loose and draping itself over him as he crumpled to the floor. It was like a gigantic carpet, weighing him down, Cooper hearing the sound of Korbaz’s footsteps as she advanced on him. He managed to roll out from under it just in time, her claws piercing the finely-woven threads.

Her hooked talons became tangled in the material, Cooper rising to his feet as he watched her struggle to withdraw her hand. Seeing an opening, he darted in for another flurry of punches, his adversary hissing as he harried her. With a tremendous tearing sound, she freed herself, her claws missing his nose by a hair’s breadth as he leaned out of their path.

“I haven’t had a fight this good in a long time,” she purred, a giddy smile brightening her features. Cooper was taken aback for a moment, feeling his heart throb. He wasn’t accustomed to seeing her happy, her cheeks flushed a rosy shade of pink, her yellow eyes gleaming.

“You should smile more often,” he said, squaring up again as he tried to shake off the unwelcome feeling. “It almost makes me forget what a massive cunt you are.”

“Ever the charmer,” she replied with a drunken chuckle. “Nobody has ever dared to insult me as you do.”

“What can I say? I’m a flatterer.”

She closed the distance between them in a split second, her claws digging furrows into the polymer of his prosthetic forearm as he frantically blocked the swipe, the force of it sending him stumbling backwards.

“If only I could leave such marks on your hide without wounding you,” she purred, admiring the damage that she had inflicted. “It beckons to me like an empty canvas waiting for the stroke of a painter’s brush. Oh, how I would paint...”

Cooper found himself standing beside an upturned table, reaching down to grip one of its carved legs. He took the wood in his hand, placing his skid on the table for leverage, and yanked it loose. Brandishing it like a baseball bat, he went on the offensive, loosing a yell as he slammed it into his opponent’s upper arm. The leg splintered, breaking over her steely bicep as though it was no more dense than a tube of cardboard, Korbaz barely flinching.

“It is dishonorable to use weapons in a bout,” she said, Cooper tossing aside the broken implement. “But since you are so ... disadvantaged, I will overlook it.”

“Oh yeah, kidnapping is fine, but poor sportsmanship? That would be crossing the line!”

They scuffled for a few moments, exchanging swipes and punches, Cooper getting in close to deliver another punishing blow to her kidney. She snarled, lowering her stance to protect her midsection, Cooper giving her another swift jab to the face. Unlike his prosthetic fist, his organic counterpart lacked the strength to do much more than irritate her.

Korbaz managed to get one of her arms around him, catching him in a headlock, Cooper feeling her bulging bicep press up against his cheek as she spun him around. Her tanned skin was so warm, slick with her exertion, contrasting with the silky fur that coated her forearm. The fine hairs tickled his nose as he struggled, his hands reaching up to claw at her limb, but to no avail. He felt the meat of her bosom squash against the back of his head through her tank top as she drew him closer, stopping just short of choking him.

“I have you now,” she panted, her lips hovering by his ear. “That’s right, keep fighting. I love the way you writhe,” she added, lightly tracing her claws across his exposed belly. The sensation made him squirm, talons that could have gutted a horse teasing one of the most vulnerable parts of his body. It should have filled him with fear, but instead, it sent a confusing shiver sliding up his spine. “You have no idea how badly I want you,” she sighed, the tone of her voice bordering on desperate. “I ... I don’t know what to do with myself anymore...”