The Letter
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Many retired gentlemen as well as young bachelors of the locality visit the Friends Club in the evening. An evening of game of Contract Bridge is a good means for spending quality time for those past the prime gentlemen, who really don’t have much of activities otherwise. One can play chess as well as a game of carrom in this club, where there is an assortment of facilities for the youth as well as the elderly gentlemen. The club is a sanctuary of sorts for those people, who want to take refuge from the day to day hustles and bustles after a day’s hard work.
I am a founding member of this club. Way back, eight of our friends had got together and formed this club, of the friends, by the friends and for the friends. The club was established about thirty years ago, when we were school going kids. Those days we had no premises, but we had pooled funds to stitch a set of football jerseys and the Friends Club was participating in various local club tournaments.
Some of us are now well off, and our budget being conservative, there has never been any fund shortage so far and now we have our own premises also. Gradually as time passed, our engagement in the club has got diminished, but the club moves on, with the entry of new generation as members.
Founding member Shubhendu never paired with Shailendra and I would never play with Shovan as a partner. The first story goes like that, once Shubhendu fell in love with Vani, a sweet little girl of our class. 22-1-14-9 happens to be the alphabet numbers of the word Vani. Initially Shubhendu started mentioning Vani among the club members as 221149 and gradually other guys picked up the code, viz., have you seen 221149 or today 221149 is absent. The code gradually became so famous that the teachers also began to notice. Some of the young teachers were very eager to decipher the code, as they smelt something fishy was going on, but they were not able to pin-point it. It became a hot topic among the teachers in the teachers’ room. Shailendra being younger brother of our Mathematics teacher Swaraj Sir, was forced by his elder brother to divulge the secret and thus it became known to everyone in the school including Vani. This cost Shubhendu his budding one sided love affair with Vani. Eventually Vani’s father got transferred and the family moved. The the chapter 221149 got closed, but the animosity between Shuvendu and Shailendra never got resolved.
I had fallen in love with Sandhya, Dr Choudhury’s daughter. I was so much smitten by her beauty that gradually all my thought process centered around her. In any situation I would fantasize if she was here how she would react, what she would comment etc and I acted accordingly. Probably this infatuation helped me to control my emotions so well that even when my uncle had died, I did not cry. That would have been too an unmanly act in front of Sandhya, for sure! In retrospect, I see that much of my success that came later years had roots in this carefully groomed trait.
My blossomed love perished, when the family of Shovan, a handsome fellow of our age group came to settle in our town and later joined our club. He got attracted to Sandhya and I felt that Sandhya was also curious about him. The feelings possibly grew gradually and became mutual, since Shovan’s parents and Sandhya’s parents were in the same social bracket. Their families got very quickly acquainted with each other and made progress to regular reciprocal family visits, outings, movies etc. In the love triangle one side was weak which fell apart and the rest of the two sides merged to become one side.
Once a love affair is terminated, normally a man loses interest in women. There are lot many other things to do in life. This is particularly true for the man who has a broken heart. But the typical Indian man faces with a strange dilemma. Strong family bonds compel him to go against his wishes and he has to marry an innocent girl of family’s choice in an arranged marriage. The bride has no knowledge of the emptiness of the broken heart of her partner. If she is accommodating in nature, she gradually accepts the who cares attitude of her husband as his nature and adjusts herself to live in this barren heartless place as an occupier by force.
I respect my wife for accepting me the way I am, for the reason that on an umpteen number of occasions, I have seen the pain of rejection in her eyes. I am possibly yet to compromise with the state of my life I am living, even after twenty five years of married life and two grown up kids. Perhaps I will never learn to live a worthwhile life, as lived and enjoyed by ordinary normal folks.
Suffice to say that the emptiness that came with the departure of Sandhya from my life would never be filled in, I firmly believe. I consciously don’t think of her, in my dream she comes may be once a year or so, and then too, I feel ashamed in the next morning to have thought of her in my subconscious mind.
Of course Shovan knew very well about my aversion towards him. He had initiated many attempts to mend the relationship, but I never gave him any scope of reconciliation. And he had to give up ultimately. He stopped communicating with me except for an occasional nod or a dry handshake. None of my close friends ever discussed this matter, rest others kept wondering what had gone wrong, but they had no clue of what actually had gone wrong in the past.
I never played Bridge with him as a partner but did not have any problem playing against him. And whenever he was against me, everybody knew how I would play. Intently I would listen to every call, analyze if there was any hesitation or over enthusiasm in the voice which gave the call, in the consequent hand play, my finesse would be almost perfect, if I was the declarer. If he was the declarer, God forbid, I would create such hara-kiri with the cards that, even my partner would get confused about how many cards originally I had in the trumps suite or in a particular suite. I would almost always squeeze an extra trick out of nowhere, to the delight and murmurings of the audience and my partner. Most of the members knew what would happen, if I was pitted against Shovan. They would all gather behind me to see how my hand was played. Poor Shovan, being a lover of the game, could never restrain himself to play a game of Bridge, knowing fully well that there was a definite possibility of being humiliated by a better than an average player, who would raise his game to a level while playing against him. It was common that at the end of the match, one or two members would put a hand of encouragement on my shoulder and tell, ‘Even Omar Sherrif, the Egyptian Hollywood actor and international Bridge player could not have possibly played this deal better!’
And then we decided to celebrate the silver jubilee of the club. The original idea was Shovan’s and although he was not a founding member, everyone immediately agreed to celebrate the silver jubilee of Friends’ Club in a grand manner. Shovan was my nemesis, but his idea was too good to be turned down, I too reluctantly joined the bandwagon. A duplicate Contract Bridge competition was planned where some prize money was announced.
We conducted the tournament and it was a grand success. During the tournament suddenly he stopped visiting the club and I heard people were talking about him being busy with some family medical emergency. However, during the closing of the tournament, he came to the club. He had lost his shine, looked visibly upset and down. That evening I felt that he was trying to talk to me but could not surmount the invisible wall that I had erected to thwart any advance initiated by him. However, there was an accidental brief conversation with him and only then he informed me that Sandhya was diagnosed to be suffering from cervical cancer. Regular radiation and chemotherapy sessions were going on, but the malignancy was in an advanced stage and she was not making progress. He even requested me to come to his home once. I politely told him,
due to some professional commitment, I would have to go out of state for two to three weeks but would definitely visit his home later and would see our ailing schoolmate.
I chalked up a personal tour and went to places to visit my distant relatives, my old college friends and some professional acquaintances. During the third week in Calcutta, I got a call from a bosom friend that Cookies, Sandhya’s nick name that was used in our circle, had succumbed to her illness and just died.
I cancelled all further assignments and booked a return air ticket for the next available flight to our town on the same day. I wanted to see her once for the last and final time. Somehow, Shovan was confident that I would not miss the funeral and decided to wait for some time apparently for me. The moment I reached his home, they were just ready to move for the cremation of the body. I peeped inside the white cover of the body and saw her lifeless face with grey hair, eyes closed and in peace in her last sleep. Nothing much changed, nature was kind to her.
After about a month of Shradha, a religious ceremony, all the associates, who had participated in cremation of Sandhya, were invited for a thanks giving dinner at Shovan’s place. It would not have been decent to turn down the invitation, so I too joined other friends for the dinner. At Shovan’s residence a portrait of Sandhya was placed on a table which created a somber ambiance. A candle and some incense sticks were burning beside her photo. We were all silent. There was nothing much to console a man who had just lost his wife. The dinner was served in a traditional style, floor mats were used as seats. Rice, vegetables, fries, curries and desserts were served on banana leaves. After dinner, when we were about to leave, Shovan pleadingly said to me, ‘Nath, can you stay back for some time? It is raining and there is something I want to show you, please do’t say no one last time’.
I looked at his eyes and found that he was earnest. I thought for a moment, I had nothing more to lose now, ‘ Friends, you go ahead, I have some personal business with Shovan’, I told my friends.
Rest of the friends were perplexed but left for their home without any comment. After half an hour he came back after finishing some chores and I waited in the drawing room.
Shovan said, ‘She left a letter for me. Although she has written not to show the letter to anyone, but I think, it would make her happy to know that you too knew her side of the untold story. I have got nothing more to lose now since she is gone. At least let me regain my long lost friend’.
I saw Shovan’s eyes were moistened. A sigh came out of my breath. Things would have been very different, had there been a little understanding among us and the three souls could have lived without that persistent sweet pain, that always pricked us.Anyway, reconciliation is a part of life, and at any moment of life, if opportunity comes, one should never back out of mending damaged relationships.
I put my hand behind his back and told him, ‘For the sake of your conjugal peace, I always stayed away from you guys. If my behavior was harsh, let it be so, but in the hindsight, you will realize that it was the only viable option. And there was really nothing to share. But now, if you want to show me a personal letter involving my old friend, I will certainly see it’.
Silently he fished out the letter out of his shirt pocket. The handwriting of the letter brought so many sweet memories of the past that suddenly I found my reading glass was foggy. I took some deep breaths to calm down. Lovingly Shovan patted on my back slowly. Unashamed, I took out my spectacles, wiped out my eyes with handkerchief and started reading.
Dear Shovan,
You have promised me that this letter would remain closed till my death. If you are reading this, it means I have died. It is a strange feeling. I know the killer disease would surely kill me sometime. May be this is due to someone’s curse.
Then I think that a good loving heart can’t possibly curse their loved ones and it is actually my fate. I am thankful to you for giving me a peaceful and happy married life, with two nice children and no real crisis in the entire life. But life is a little more than all that. You see, most of the time of my life has been spent before your eyes only. But still there are a few things of my life that I have not made privy to you or anyone, barring my school friends, that too in bits and pieces.
During my school days, you had proposed me to be your girlfriend. I was sure although you were knowing that I was going steady with Nath, even then you had approached me. You would recall, I did not directly turn you down. There were some obvious reasons for that but you took my silence as a sign of encouragement on my part, and started to associate with me at every opportunity. My parents too could see your inclination towards me. They were so happy that my consent was of foregone conclusion. I really did not know, why you were hell bent upon winning Nath’s girl friend, when you could have any girl, much more beautiful than me as your girl friend at the tweak of your finger, as you were a handsome boy from a wealthy and respectable family. Somehow I knew that you wanted to win me primarily for beating Nath.
He was such a cute and innocent fellow! He tried so very hard and always excelled academically, which I knew, was for my sake only. He knew that only a good education and a good professional career would make it possible to win me from my aristocrat family. His academic results always showed his efforts. In every milestone of his career he did something special that the town folks cheered and applauded, ‘what a boy’! Every body loved that poor boy of the town. It made me proud that the darling of the town in turn cared only about one thing in his world and that was me. Whatever he was trying to achieve, it was for my sake.
All my friends envied me, not for his superlative performance, but for his total devotion to me. Miles of walking or cycling did not deter him to see me once for just a glimpse of me, leave aside talking or any other form of intimacy. Just to test him, once I had told him to meet me near our home in the morning at four O’ Clock. The poor fellow was there in time with all smiles and perspiration on his temple. He had to walk four KM in the cold winter in the early morning just to talk to me!
I knew it would be very difficult for him to marry me, my parents would not give their consent on the alliance. But still I had a faint hope, something good would eventually happen. That was the reason I never showed him my eagerness to marry him. He he thought that his infatuation was one sided, I hardly cared for him. Only if he knew!
While he excelled in each and every step academically, he really did not know that I was so happy to see that he was going near to his goal. I knew his goal was to win me from my parents by becoming a competent suitor.
And, how spectacularly he achieved that competence! He completed his technology degree from a reputed institution of Calcutta and got immediately hired as an officer by a top notch Oil and Gas Company. In a short time he had uplifted his family to a level that it set a standard path for the local aspirants to pursue and the whole town folks applauded his achievements
You may wonder, why I am telling you all these stories, after so many years of our marriage. You see, a woman always partial to the weaker one,it is her manifestation of love. I wanted him to win the race of life while all throughout I knew that he was that horse with the handicap and had a thin chance to win the game.
You succeeded in your passion to beat the most acclaimed boy of the town ultimately cost me my happiness. Nothing could be more sadistic than snatching way a young man’s true love and you did it so effortlessly.
I was a pawn in your game since I could not go against my parents’ wishes, being the eldest daughter.
Had I eloped, my family’s image would have been tarnished and it would have been difficult to arrange matches for my other two younger sisters.
I was helpless and knowingly you exploited my precarious condition. Although you knew that I had a soft corner for Nath, but you were insensitive to that. You really did not care if I was suffering. Your male chauvinistic mind would have never compromised your pound of flesh anyway.
You are my husband and I did all my wifely duties without any compromise. I gave you my precious body, I bore you two healthy children. I fulfilled my marital vows to the letter and spirit. But, you could really never get into my heart.
I know you have the curiosity about any physical intimacy I had ever developed with Nath but never had the nerve to ask me. Today I assure you, since now I am gone, that this man never even tried to kiss me. And yes, I kissed him once on his cheek, and bit him once too. You had to see him then, how happy he was! We embraced a number of times at my initiation only and then I could sense that he was a normal boy with an adequate capability of testosterone secretion.
As time passed, the more I thought about him, the more I regretted my indecision. I did him injustice. At least, I could have remained unmarried for sometime, but I was timid and not so confident about my future, so here I am.
I am writing this letter to tell you my feeling, and nobody needs to know how I had felt. I am again thankful to you for the kids and your affection. Please do not misunderstand me. I thought that I ought to clear your curiosity at the end, even when I am gone.
With love,
Sandhya
‘I just felt that I should share her intimate thoughts with you, whom you have known for some time. I was such a vain and arrogant that I had totally disregarded her emotions and curiously. She too had never opened up. I can’t possibly make any amendment now that she is gone. The least I could do was to show the letter to you as a penance, so that you also come to know at last, about her feelings towards you’, Shovan said in a low voice.
‘I am sorry. You should not have shown me her private letter which was addressed to you, her husband’, I told.
Shovan replied, ‘That is alright, since there is no one else with whom I can share this letter. I can’t carry this load of guilt without sharing with you. I had to do it for my own sake’.
‘Since, now we both know what played in her mind, would not it be nice to destroy the letter’? I asked Shovan.
Shovan immediately agreed, ‘I think, she would have expected it from you. Let us do it together for her sake’.
We went near her portrait and carefully burnt the letter In the candle fire. The smoke caused tears in our eyes. Through the smoke I saw the shadow of the dimple in her cheek in the portrait. She was smiling.’
When the letter was completely burnt, I said, ‘Good night, tomorrow at Eight PM at the club’
‘Good night, Nath, same time tomorrow and thanks’, Shovan told.
I slowly walked towards my home in the rain.
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