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OnlyFucks aka Nudes Jar! You might be surprised to learn that humans are not the only species that love to masturbate. Much like humans used to think tool use was uniquely human, we also thought jerking off was uniquely human. It couldn’t be farther from the truth, though. Many creatures in the animal kingdom enjoy getting their own rocks off. I mean, why the fuck wouldn’t they. What else is there to do with time not spent sleeping, eating, or actually fucking.

While you won’t be surprised to learn animals with hands, such as monkeys, masturbate, you might be surprised to learn that flippers can do the job also. In the case of walrus, they are perfectly suited for a bit of self-love.

Helping this process along is the enormous size of their walrus cocks. If it weren’t for that, they wouldn’t be able to get a fin down low enough to reach it. I’m not fucking around when I say large. A walrus cock can grow up to almost two feet. Not only that, but they have a bone in the fucking middle. That cock isn’t fucking around.

Pre-historic walrus cock was even larger. In 2007, a four-and-a-half-foot-long walrus cock bone was sold at auction for eight grand. And before you ask, no, it wasn’t me that bought it. Not that I wouldn’t display it prominently if I had it.

To make walrus life even better, their cocks are long enough that they can self fellate. AKA, they can suck their own cocks. What a bunch of lucky fuckers. When I die, I hope I can come back as a walrus with a five-foot dong. I better start praying now.

I would have never thought it, but the next time you’re enjoying the stench of a New York City subway, appreciate that some of the scents are produced by rat cum. That’s right. Rodents love to jerk off as much as the next guy. That makes sense to me. Rats and other rodents are extremely intelligent and surprisingly human.

While they can’t get down there with their little hands, they rub their cocks against sticks and other objects instead. Hey, whatever works. I bet I could start a rat war by tossing a rodent-sized fleshlight down into the sewer. The soft touch of silicone would be mind-blowing after years of stick rubbing.

Rats aren’t the only rodent that jerk off, though. Surprisingly squirrels are big fans of the activity also. I’m only surprised because I’ve seen a shit ton of squirrels in my lifetime, but none have been jerking off as far as I could tell. I suppose they probably retreat to the safety of their nests before blowing a load.

I’m a bit jealous of squirrels. Some species masturbate directly after having sex. Scientists think that because squirrels copulate with many different partners during mating season, jerking off might clean the pipes and help stop the spread of sexually transmitted infections. Why can’t that work for humans?! How awesome would that be? Fuck condoms. I’ll just cum again.

It’s Good to Have Hands

All this makes me happy being a member of a species with hands and builds things like fleshlights and Tesla Sex Robots. Of course, I would hate to be outside watching porn on my cell phone, rubbing my cock against the local foliage. But that’s not to say I wouldn’t do it if I needed to.

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I’ve been a fan of amateur porn my entire masturbating life. Nothing beats the sense of reality that most studio porn loses with all the lights, boom mics, and angry directors. The problem is that good amateur porn has always been hard to find.

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Onlyfucks doesn’t stop, at Onlyfans, though. They also carry content from amateur porn hideout TikTok. That’s right. Tiktok isn’t just for stupid dancing videos and metadata collection by the Chinese government. It also has porn!

The web design on Onlyfucks is as simple as it gets. Outside of a small menu and tag list, everything else on the front page is thumbnails. The main menu is on the top and includes the options TikTok porn, Swipe porn, Hot Tiktok, Redfans, Faps.club, Reddit, and a link to your favorite PornDude. All menu options from Hot TikTok onward are links to different sites.

Lets Play a Game

Swipe porn is one of my favorite aspects of Onlyfucks. It’s a game with simple rules: A porn clip is played, and you vote whether you would fuck that bitch or not. It’s pretty entertaining for a guy like me, but it might not be a challenge for you gents. You bastards are willing to fuck any wet hole that doesn’t flee from the sight of your cock. That pussy could be attached to a radioactive demon, and you would still hit it.

The Reddit menu option takes you to the source of Onlyfucks content. Reddit is fun and all, but the design isn’t conducive to porn consumption. Plus, Onlyfucks makes some of their own additions.

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Stop it Dad!

I half expect to be watching a video one day and see a bitch snap out of it like she just woke up from a coma. “Oh, my gaawwd. What am I doing?! Am I rubbing my clit on the internet right now!? My dad’s going to be so pissed. Ewww, what the fuck?? Is that my dad watching??”

You have to check some of these bitches out. Look at Hailey Grice or Littlmisfitt. These bitches are incredible. Sava.Schultz has tits like a fucking goddess. Emmastudtmann looks like a sex doll. I’m not even exaggerating. I’m pretty sure I have that bitch in my closet right now. If I’m not mistaken, her pussy has three different vibration levels.

All my faux bait fans will be heaping praise on tiny little Nekonikofox. She looks like a girl who will do things to a cock that it will never forget. She has that freaky slut look in her eye that says, not only will I ride your cock like a rocket ship, but I’ll key your car if you don’t put the toilet seat down. Life is about sacrifice, though, and sometimes you have to sacrifice the paint job on your Pinto for some good pussy.

My readers who love ebony porn need to rush over to Foshposh’s page right now. Her tits are fucking insane, and I would gladly suffocate myself between them. Something tells me she can suck dick like a world champion. Her lips are ideally suited to have cum fired upon them.

Everyone out there with yellow fever won’t be able to help busting a nut while watching Aveya_san show off her perfect little body. Not only is her body fuckable, but she has the face of an angel. It’s an innocent face that makes you want to spray a fat load across it.

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She was his age 45 and very fat, her round face was pretty but her body was just enormous. As I said he was macho and liked his wife to dress sexy but on her it looked comical. When I arrived for dinner the first night she was dressed in a lycra cotton dress that only barely reached below her wide ass and clung to every bump and curve on her body. I didn’t know where to look. It was as if she were naked, her breasts swelling out on top of her bellies like two footballs and her nipples poking...

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So After The 83rd Academy award I decided to hang with Jennifer Lawrence she wasn’t doing anything and we decided to go a fancy restaurant in the L.A. area.There was a lot of sparkling light and the sound of clinking glasses in the dimly lit room. The murmur of many voices in conversation, sometimes rising into laughter, sometimes diminishing into a cozy half-silence. A lot of polished wood and expensive paintings. Some very well dressed and well trained waiters and waitresses, and Jennifer's...

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Me and Guy were at our favorite motel engaged in some serious foreplay. His cock pressing against my side as we made out and necked our way passion. My own hard-on was aching, as usual, whenever he touched me. "You're wonderful, Petey" he said into my ear as he kissed and licked. He was kissing my neck and at the same time tonguing it and it drove me CRAZY with lust. I reached for his beautiful dick and caressed it with my hand as my tongue licked him wherever I could. He raised his head...

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We had two more concerts before the break, one in Donegal and the last in Londonderry. I had thought the girls would be nervous and a bit out of sorts but they really weren't. However the same could not be said for their security team. Wired and hot were how we looked and felt. I won't say we may have been a little bit trigger happy but our patience and restraint with assholes and obnoxious fans were nonexistent. When we were outside, Magaoidh and Caoimh walked with their hands under their...

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