Replacement
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I found Ellie by accident, which, I think, is how all loves begin. I noticed her because she was wearing our school uniform, despite it being a Saturday, waiting for a bus to come. She had short, blonde hair, blue eyes, and her face was evenly proportioned. Se was thick in the correct places, which is something I had not noticed in a woman before, and have not noticed since. She was sucking on a lollipop so forcefully that her cheeks became concave and her lips presented themselves as if they were preparing to blow a kiss to someone.
I had a sudden urge to hit her, not out of anger, of course. I just thought it would feel nice to see her cry.
To ruin something that was otherwise perfect.
I must have been staring at her for a long time because she turned in my direction. She pulled the lolly from her mouth and smiled at me. Then, the bus came, and, seconds later, she vanished.
That same night, I flicked my clit fervently in bed. I had to bite into my arm so that my dad--and especially my brother, who slept in the room next to mine--didn't hear me. When I came, my eyes rolled into the back of my head and I stuck my tongue out like a bitch in heat. It was a face I can't remember ever making before.
When my father calls my brother and I down for breakfast, I am worried. He doesn't usually make breakfast for us, and when he does, it is because he has an announcement. I worry because I think he might have discovered my love for Ellie, and he is using the scrambled eggs and pancakes to make my eviction from his home less painful.
As my brother and I descend the stairs, I ask him if he knows what this is all about. He makes a gesture of ignorance. My brother is not what you might look at as a paragon of masculinity. He is slender, with soft features, brown eyes, and shoulder-length, black hair. A year older than me, one would be forgiven in thinking that I were the elder sibling. Where his body reveals innocence, my body, or so I have been told, reveals maturity. Whatever that is supposed to mean. My brother and I look nearly identical, in my estimation. My chest and ass are bigger than his, but not by much.
Before we are even seated, our father has begun discussing a new job opportunity. The elders at the church we attend have decided to give our father a permanent position as the lead pastor. Previously, he had lead sermons at the church on a temporary basis; however, the congregation seem to have taken a great liking to his sermons.
My father's promotion didn't surprise me very much. Rumors spread easily in a small church, and it seemed like everyone was hoping that he would stay on. I looked to my brother to gauge his reaction. Not surprisingly, his expression was one of mild interest. If my father recognized the lackluster response from us to his BIG NEWS, then he didn't show it. He was happy with droning on about the reforms he intended to implement and the role he saw for us in the church.
"I'm thinking of making a youth group on Wednesdays. Wouldn't that be nice?" My father asks.
"That sounds great, dad," I reply, because I love my father, and I want him to think that I care about his decisions.
We look to my brother, who is currently skewering a pancake. My brother looks up, a somnambulist shaken from sleep. "Yes, dad." But, it is too late. It is clear he is not paying attention and my father clams up, suddenly aware of my brother's (and possibly my) boredom.
My father is glad that we clear the plates for him, and he goes to his room to rest. Today is a PD day, and so we take our time in clearing the table. I ask my brother if he's happy that our dad is permanent at the church.
"No," he says. "I had hoped it would be temporary."
We are putting the dishes into the dishwasher, and he reveals his displeasure at our father's fortune without meeting my eyes. "We need money, Kent." I remind him, as if financial worries can be easily forgotten. "And dad seems happy. You should pretend to be happy for him, too."
Now he looks into my eyes. Like you? his eyes ask. He changes the subject. "Have you heard anything from Ellie?"
We finish loading the dishwasher and he presses the "On" button. A low hum emanates from the metallic beast. "Why? Should I have heard something from her?" I ask.
He's feigning disinterest but I notice a slight nervousness in the way his bottom lip twitches. "She's dating Anthony, apparently," is all he says. "Anthony told me last night."
Ah. That would explain my brother's somber mood. "Did you wish him congratulations?"
"Yes. I'm a good friend, after all."
I wrap my arms around my brother, because as much as he can annoy me, we are family, and I love him. He is not crying, but I think it is because he fears being emasculated in front of his younger sister. Instead, he returns my hug, and snuggles his nose in the crook of my neck, his warm breath slipping down my right shoulder.
I get the text from Ellie around midday. She is over the moon because Anthony has just asked her on a date. I feign surprise, but not too much surprise, because I don't want her to think that her union with Anthony is incomprehensible. My reply to her text message includes various emojis.
Really, Kent and I had known that Ellie and Anthony would be an item soon. Ellie and I had somehow become friends a few weeks after I first saw her at that bus stop. I quickly found out that she was straight, because she would tell me about all the cute guys that went to our school. Specifically Anthony Rogers, who was 'fucking gorgeous'. Out of curiosity, my brother had asked Anthony, who he had been friends with since elementary school, if he thought Ellie was cute. We all hung out every now and again but always the four of us. Anthony said she 'had a nice body', which meant that he just wanted to fuck her. I told Ellie this, hoping that she would lose interest in Anthony, but his appraisal of her seemed to only strengthen her attraction towards him.
Women could be such fucking idiots.
Kent was as equally disappointed by Anthony's interest in Ellie as I was disappointed in Ellie's interest in Anthony. I know this because when I told him that Anthony's judgement about Ellie's looks had not upset her, Kent told me that he liked Anthony.
He laughed at my blank expression. "Are you surprised? I must have hidden my attraction very well if you didn't find out."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because you like Ellie," and he laughed again when he saw I was about to deny it. "Don't worry. You don't make it obvious. I just have a very powerful gay-dar."
Afterwards, we traded stories pertaining to our sexual identity. When did he know that he was gay? Had I ever been with another woman? Had he ever been with another man? Was Ellie my first crush? I blushed because Ellie was my first crush and I thought Kent would laugh at me for the third time that day. But, he didn't laugh. "You're so new to this," was all he said.
I didn't know how it happened but somehow we decided to keep Anthony and Ellie apart. Ellie was too shy to tell Anthony how she felt and Anthony, for all his confidence, had recently left a relationship and was afraid of being rejected by another girl. We were being terrible friends, but we could justify our insensitivity because we were in love. Love justified everything.
My phone rings, pulling me from my reverie. I hesitate to answer it, because I had begun crying a few minutes ago and I don't trust my voice. I wipe my tears with the back of my hand, take a deep breath, and answer the phone. Ellie's beautiful voice comes through the other end.
"Sorry. I know that we were texting but I'm too excited." She practically squeals. She tells me that she and Anthony will be going out this Saturday. They will get lunch at Pita Pit, go to the arcade, and, if there is time, catch a late movie. I tell her that I am so happy for her, that they make an incredible couple, and joke that I had better be invited to their wedding. (Truthfully, if they got married, then I wouldn't attend).
When I hang up, I notice my brother looking at me from the entrance to my room. I'm not sure how much he has heard and I don't think to ask. .
"Are you sad?" He asks, not moving from his position at the door.
"Terribly sad. I might sink into depression." I half-joked.
He doesn't laugh. "We knew this would happen. That doesn't make the situation any better but we knew this would happen." I wonder if he came here to lecture me but it seems he has more to say.
"What is it?" I ask him.
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