Mother and Daughter part one
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As we’re faced with a new year, I can’t help but reflect on the past twelve months. If I sit back and think of who I was and what I was doing at the beginning of this year and compare it to now, I notice a change… a major change.
Human beings are blessed with a complex brain. To some, this may be a curse and not a blessing. The confusion of our society makes way for apathy. It’s much easier to look the other way instead of trying to figure it all out. I’d like to think that we are much simpler, but the truth of the matter is, we’re not.
My metamorphosis came in the form of actualization. Knowledge is power … but wisdom is the key. I am fortunate enough to be an aware individual. Everyone is given this power, but not everyone realizes it, and if they do, not everyone utilizes it. I think this is what brought about my change.
Allow me to explain:
I’m a young adult who is faced with major decisions at this point in my life. At the beginning of this year, I was a reckless kid who was into cocaine. It was my life … it was my pleasure. I did all the things many would imagine an 18 year old should. I partied, I hung out with friends, I was carefree. I was forced to overcome great odds in the earlier part of this year and followed through with great success.
After my triumph over addiction, I started analyzing myself. I became a more reserved individual. I started to blossom into an adult. I realized my potential and ran with it. I enrolled in a community college to get my education rolling. It was my first major step into the realm of responsibilities. It was scary at first … but now it’s wonderful.
I found myself and where I waned to go. I became aware of the wrong-doings of society and began to pick at what I knew to be ‘true.’ My relationships with people started to grow in a different direction because of my newly found sense of self. I became an observer of life. I made it my mission to gain as much wisdom as possible. However, this decision was strictly subconscious.
I think it all started when I began my own analysis. It’s quite difficult to look at one’s self in a purely objective manner. It was certainly different, but I liked it.
Mazlow made a triangle and inserted ‘needs’ into each level. What he made was a hierarchy of needs. At the bottom was the basic need for shelter, food, sustenance. At the top … self actualization. My belief is that when I reach my self actualization, I touch my ‘heaven on Earth.’ There’s no way to maintain self actualization because we, as human beings, are constantly changing. Once we finally reach that point, there is always something new to process. And so goes the cycle…
I think I know myself pretty well right now. I’m aware of my faults, my insecurities, my desires, needs, and my instincts. I believe it’s arrogant to think that any one person is better than the next. We’re all born the same. Naked and helpless. Every able-bodied person was born with free will … the free will to make change … to make your life whatever you want it to be. I hear people bitching and whining about how horrible their childhoods were. Many of those people have a the-world-owes-me-a-living kind of mentality and it’s wrong, in my opinion. The only thing the world ever really gave a person is life.
I make decisions that better me. My life is the one I live, no one else’s.
After all of these ‘revelations’ I started digging deeper. My investigation became a quest. A quest for what? Well, that seems to only show itself with time. My journey led me astray from my peers. I realized that my way of thinking was more advanced than those of my age. The more I learned and observed, the clearer my own mind became. I began to know where my emotions stemmed from and how to follow my heart when need be, but also follow my gut when necessary.
I’m constantly thinking. I seem to work in overdrive at times. It takes a lot out of me, but it’s a high that’s beyond any chemical or herb. When I have an epiphany, I feel good. I feel as though I’ve learned something about myself. It all starts to fall into place and I didn’t really have to try and place it. It just happened. It was right and it worked.
If it fits, put it there … if not, try to find what does fit.
I used to think that everyone was just a bunch of sheep who did what everyone else did and for the same reasons. I was putting myself higher than everyone. This was wrong of me. I started talking to more people… a diverse group. They were randomly chosen and I sparked up conversation. I like to know where people stand. However, my motivation was to find what motivates others. What drives an individual to do what they do?
I have no single answer to this question. It’s not a general answer. It varies from person to person. The people I corresponded with were quite different and I got a lot of pleasant (as well as unpleasant) surprises. Through my conversations with them, I found that we’re not all so different after all. We all want the same thing: happiness. However, the things that make us happy can be very diverse. One man’s heaven is another man’s hell. We’re all driven by different things in hopes of the same goal. It made me realize that we’re all trying to do something and I guess it gave me a little bit more respect for humans in general.
I was once a little sadistic. Well, let me correct that… I was really sadistic. I probably could have murdered someone without batting an eyelash. I now realize that this was due to my own unhappiness: the lack of my own actualization, my own insecurities, and my own pent up aggression that had nothing to do with the anonymous, outside world.
I look at human beings differently now. We’re all part of this big, spinning thing. It doesn’t really matter where we came from and religion doesn’t really mean as much as everyone thinks it does. What really matters is the here and now. We strive for things and set goals, no matter how big or small.
I bitch about the ignorance that plagues this planet. I bitch about the corruption. I bitch about hypocrisies. I bitch about oppression.
Does it all really make a difference?
Set aside the governments. Set aside the World Trade Center and Pentagon terrorist attacks. Look outside of material things. Set aside our movement towards the New World Order. Set aside the debates on life. Let go of the personal differences. Don’t think of greed or money. Forget about religion for a moment.
What do we have? Us. What do we need to always come back to? Us.
Every decision that a person makes ultimately comes down to him. No one can make you do anything you don’t want to do (with the exception of death, of course). What we do as individuals always comes back to the individual. It’s a big circle with short little stops on the way. It keeps things interestingly cyclical.
Understanding the human mind is what keeps me calm. It’s human nature to do certain things and to act in certain ways. Governments try to control other governments through force and money, but can we really cease the hate? Is world peace really possible? Personally, I think it’s irrational. Human beings are social beings, true … but with that comes emotion. It’s amazing how we can let our emotions get the best of us and do things that we might never have done had those feelings not been there. You can’t kill the human drive and you can’t stop human emotion and instinct. It’s in every single one of us.
So where does that put me now? Where I always have been: Here.
The difference? I’m older.
My stepmother used to tell me that I would never know the wisdom that she does. I used to think that wisdom came with age. I know now that that idea was a lie. Wisdom doesn’t come with age, but with thought. I haven’t lived very long, but I’m sure I possess more wisdom than a lot of people who are much older than I. I think this comes from the fact that I actually sat down and
consciously made a decision to analyze what was around me. I was sick of being in the dark. I wanted to see the light and the only place to begin was with myself. It’s refreshing to think that I did it all by myself. However, nothing’s really done by one’s self. My influences came from people and things around me … and also from experiences.
I had a lot of friends at one time. These days I can count them on one hand. And I know why. My low self-esteem that I once knew is being tossed out the window. I realize my potential and I hold myself in the highest regards. I am me and that’s the only thing that’s guaranteed for the rest of my life. I don’t waste my time with people who I don’t want to associate with anymore. I thought I was obligated to keep ties with people who offered me nothing simply because they were family, or longtime pals. I know now that it really was a waste of time.
Sometimes my analysis is painful. If I realize that I don’t need someone or that they aren’t doing me any good, it’s hard to let it go. It’s hard to let go of a love you once knew … or a comfort you once counted on. My trip has been a long, trying one this year. Next year will probably be just as complex. But the hardships, tears, anger, and pain only bring brighter things. I found this out this year.
So here I am now:
A young adult, reflecting on the past year … preparing to take life by the horns and ride it out to fulfillment.
Knowledge is limited, wisdom is infinite.
Kaidence
- 12.05.2022
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