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The Sins Of The Flood free porn video
I highly suggest, if you haven't already, that you check out the previous entries in this 'Sinful' series of mine:
1) https://xhamster.com/stories/the-original-sin-9913625
2) https://xhamster.com/stories/the-sin-of-murder-9941208
Also, just for fun - though it isn't required, I recommend that you listen to "Here's Your Future" by The Thermals, to really get into the spirit of this story. That song sure helped me get into my groove whilst writing this :)
Have fun and enjoy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the account of Noah and his family.
Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God.
Indeed, Noah was real hot shit! Just such an amazing man. There has not been seen a more perfect man in the eyes of God, not since that wonderful beautiful human male (but more akin to an angel), known as Abel -- before that simpering brainless idiot Cain killed him.
Noah was just the best man, ever!
He also had three sons, named Shem, Ham, and Japheth. God still chuckles even to this day about having gotten Noah to name one of his sons after a pork product! Yet he drew the line at a more obvious choice of 'Bacon'.
Now it's important to note right here, in God's defence of what's about to happen, that the Earth was totally corrupt by this point in time. Like, just the worst. Humans had grown into a very violent, corrupt, despicable, vile, disgusting, hedonistic, vain, selfish, free-thinking, free-love, pot-smoking, hippy commune-like society. This offended God to no end, as you can imagine. Thankfully, after God did what He's about to do in this story, that the Earth and the humans on it are now a much better, superior, morally-righteous, and higher class of faithful people these days!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Just remember that God was totally justified in doing what He's about to do! If anything, God's a real hero for committing mass genocide on a huge global-altering scale. Just like Stalin, or Hitler, or even the Rwandan Genocide of the 1990's, only God's genocide is even more impressive in scale and the numbers of lives slaughtered than any of those amateur chumps.
Oops, spoiler alert!
Please, continue reading this, for it is the word of the Lord.
God reached down to Noah, and spoke to him.
"Yo! Wassup, Noah, my best most favourite buddy! How the Chuck Norris are you today, old fella? Good, good. You're looking mighty swell for a 500 year old dude. So, um, listen mate, I got to tell you; I'm going to kill all life on the planet."
Noah, being such a wonderful superior faithful righteous man to God, looked around at the disgusting corrupted peoples around him, and saw a woman consensually being spit-roasted by a couple of hot sexy dudes over the snooker table in his favourite pub, and thoroughly enjoying herself in the process with orgasmic bliss as she does, agreed that every last person on earth and a whole countless bunch of animals and other innocent lifeforms needed wiping out, post-haste!
"This is good,"
God nodded smugly,
"Now here's the precise blueprints for how to construct your very own ark. You're going to need to source all the cypress wood and pitch for yourself at great personal expense which, in all honesty, is totally going to bankrupt you and your family, and put you in severe debt with money lenders. But don't worry! You won't need to pay off any debts you incur if your debtors are dead, right? And you're to build the ark exactly as the blueprints instruct you to."
God continued to instruct Noah,
"Once the ark is complete, you are to gather one pair of every single animal found on Earth, from all four corners of the globe, alive and intact. No animal is too big, nor too small! And each pair of animals need to be a male and female of the species for obvious reasons, even species of animals that have more than one gender, they are to be paired precisely as male and female only!"
"Wait a minute,"
Noah interjected,
"How big is this ark, again?"
"Look at the blueprints, man! It's 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high. Read the prints before asking me stupid questions!"
God bemoaned.
"But, surely O Lord, there are like, what, at least a couple million different species of animals on earth of all varying sizes. This ark is not nearly big enough to house all those animals?"
Noah scratched his wrinkled, balding head,
"And just two pairs of breeding animals? I know you love your incest, Lord, but surely that'll end up making most of the offspring of the animals evolutionary defunct, not to mention physically deformed and fucked up beyond all belief, possibly even impotent, and thus kill the species off?"
"And how would I even be able to take care of the animals? Surely I'd need a workforce of a hundred thousand men just to clean and feed the animals, treat what ails them with lots of medicines, and tidy their mess up? Speaking of food, how will I be able to store enough feed on the ark in order to sustain all of the animals, as well as myself? Forgive me for speaking out of turn, O great and wise genius, but this doesn't seem-"
"Are you questioning me, boy?"
God dared as He held His large thumb threateningly above Noah's head,
"I'm going to kill every last human on earth, you think I won't hesitate to squish your cunty bald head for daring to question my ingenious, perfectly thought-out plans? Hmm, wise guy? Since you're clearly so much smarter and wiser than me, the literal omnipotent and omniscient God(!)"
"No, Lord, please forgive me, I am your humble faithful servant, to serve you as you command."
Noah submissively licked His arse (metaphorically speaking, as God's arse is too almighty for a mere mortal to physically lick. Though Noah, of course, would literally lick God's arse if he could, because he's just that awesome of a faithful servant!).
"Hmm. You know what, for being such a favoured, good little faithful butt-kisser of mine, I am also going to grant you the privilege of bringing onto the ark; your wife, your sons, and your sons' wives. And uh, I suppose you could double the amount of feed, to look after yourselves as well as all the animals."
"Thank you, most awesome and perfect one, I shall get right on it!"
And with that, Noah, set about gathering the materials needed, and built himself the ark, all by himself, with no other help at all, despite being an old, decrepit, pentacentagenarian farmer-cum-vintner, with no learned skills whatsoever in ship-building or carpentry.
In fact, it took him over a hundred years to complete the ark. By the time he was 600 years old, he had finally completed the construction of the ark.
"Wonderful! Wonderful!"
God praised Noah upon seeing the ark,
"You've worked very hard to build this beast of a wooden ship. Sure, I know I could have made life much easier for you just by giving you a fully complete and functional ark when I first commanded you to have one in your possession, but like -- ugh, that sounds like menial work for me! Yes, I realise I'd only have to just will it into existence and it'll materialise right before your eyes in an instant because I am a divine omnipotent being, but that means I'd have to, you know, do something. I am God! I don't do. I am. There's a big difference! But I digress..."
Noah just rubbed his sweaty wrinkled-prune of a forehead and sighed in physical exhaustion, as he downed tools.
"Now, I've been thinking these past hundred years. In my infinite wisdom, I've decided to amend my plans a little bit, though they were already perfect plans to begin with, I decided that they could be made even more perfect! And so, I command you, Noah, to bring aboard the ark; 7 pairs of every kind of clean animal - male and female. And 1 pair of every dirty animal, male and female. I realise I haven't told you yet exactly which animals are clean and which are dirty, but that's for you to figure out. Go on, have a guess which animals are clean, and which are dirty, what's the worst that can happen if you guess wrong? Eternal hell and damnation to your soul forever? Ha! A good guessing game needs high stakes, man! It's more fun that way, especially for me, wouldn't you agree?"
God grinned.
"Oh, and you only have 7 days to gather every animal pairing onto the ark. Starting now!"
God struck a thundercloud to signal the 7 day countdown timer starting.
Somehow, against all the odds, right at the 7th hour of the 7th day, Noah was able to complete the task perfectly, and did exactly as God commanded, bringing both every animal on earth, and his wife, his sons, and sons' wives, aboard the ark. My word, what a man Noah is! Is there nothing this awesome, amazing, wonderful, God-fearing servant can't do? What a heroic, righteous, legend of a good bloke!
And with that task fulfilled, God took great delight and pleasure in flooding the entire globe in 40 days and 40 nights of rain. Or, as such a period of rainy time is called in the UK, January and February!
Somehow, this was enough rain to cover the entire globe in deep water. God wept tears of pure unbridled joy and happiness upon seeing so many lifeforms, not just humans, but a countless amount of innocent sinless animals, struggling in soggy panic, and subsequently drown to the salty deep of the ocean. As the people of all ages, from the most tiniest of babes to the oldest of mature adults, and all the most cutest of baby animals to the most beautiful and majestic of adult creatures, all cried out their cries of panicked terror and pain as they slowly drowned, God cheered and danced and celebrated this.
He even began wanking His cock furiously, which had somehow managed to obtain a very rare erection for Him, at the sight of such wanton destruction and cruel carnage to life on earth. God loved the horrific suffering so much, that He still to this day thoroughly enjoys with great psycho-sexual pleasure, witnessing people and animals suffering disgusting levels of inhumane torture, abuse, and pain. It pleases the Lord greatly when a living creature cries out in desperate agonising pain, and this is good.
Incredibly, the lucky animals aboard the ark didn't immediately attack each other over territorial disputes, nor did the carnivores kill and eat the herbivores, nor did they instantly fill the entire ship in their faeces, or flooded the decks in urine. Nor even doing any of that during the entire 150 days of the ark floating around aimlessly on the seas. I guess all living creatures just instinctively pull together and work as a team in dire times?
Of course, it was hard work for Noah and his family, slaving away each and every day to tend to the animals. It was even harder still keeping alive the animals which have a lifespan shorter than 150 days. And the fact that the little flying and creepy-crawly insects were almost as impossible as the micro-animals to keep contained in their separate housings aboard the ark. And don't even get me started on how difficult it was for Noah and his family to care for the micro-animals, considering this all happened before the invention of the microscope!
Still, despite all the difficulties of the task, the family would be troubled by boredom by the monotonous daily routine of the strenuous grind. So they would, with the Lord's blessing, every other weekend, swap wives around and play fun games with each other like; 'Spin the Bottle', 'Strip Knockout Whist', and 'Room Key Lottery'. You know, you got to keep spirits high with fun games when floating around pointlessly without any direction or further divine instruction.
After the rains stopped, and the waters receded, God opened one of the arks windows for Noah.
"Hey, Noah, guess on which day I'll dredge all of the floodwaters enough for there to be land on Earth again? Go on, have a guess. I'm not going to tell you, you're just going to have to keep testing each and every day by sending out a raven or a dove until you guess right!"
God chuckled impishly, and disappeared.
After many numerous days of guessing, with Noah swiftly reaching his breaking point and was now just so done with this shit, he sent out a dove to search for land. Later that evening, the dove returned with an olive branch in its beak!
For some reason, only known to Noah, instead of immediately searching for the land from which the dove gathered that olive branch from. Instead, he waited for a whole week before sending the dove out again. I guess it was because that week, it was Noah's turn to shag Ham's wife, or more aptly put, to "pork her", and with a nice wet tight fanny like she has, he clearly didn't want to miss out on that goodness!
Anyway, 7 days later, Noah sent his dove out once more.
...The dove never returned. No one aboard the ark knows what happened to that dove, but I have it on good authority that the dove had gotten itself a good job in very well-paid accountancy firm, and had no need to return to the ark. I mean, why work for seeds, when you can work for berries, am I right?
20-odd days later, the Earth was completely dry. Which sucked for all the fishes and swimming creatures who had been having the best time ever until then, but hey, at least Noah and his cabin-fevered family were no longer required to sail around aimlessly anymore!
"Noah, Shem, Ham,Japheth, and the wives whose slutty whore disgusting women names aren't worth mentioning, come on down!"
God announced as He shone His light over the newly revealed land,
"Congratulations! You've won the entire planet for yourselves! Well done! You are the one and only deserving master race. Now go forth and multiply! Separately, with your own species, I mean -- I saw what you were doing to those animals on the ark, Shem! Enough of that now, stick to fucking your own species, please! Thank you very much!"
Noah was so pleased, he quickly knocked up an altar to the Lord with some spare driftwood he had lying around, and took some of the clean animals and some of the clean birds, and immediately burnt them upon it as an offering to the Lord.
"Uh, yeah, thanks, I didn't ask you to do that, but, uh, thanks anyway, I guess. That barbecue sure smells nice!"
God bit His lip, and then sat everyone down at the burning altar.
"Now listen up, it's your favourite time; 'Preaching Time with The Lord!'"
God spoketh,
"You are to breed endlessly, and make the animals breed endlessly too. Separately, with your own species, I'll remind you, Shem! I want to see so much fucking life on this planet spreading out and multiplying like an uncontained virus, until all the resources are used up and the earth is rendered a barren wasteland of toxic waste, because that shit's tight, yo!"
The family listened intently as God spaketh,
"All that is green, and all animals that move around, are yours to do with as you see fit, and all for you to eat as and when you please. No eating disabled animals, OK? And no eating animals whilst they're still alive, understand? Except for in China, where I don't give a fuck! I love watching the Chinese eat animals whilst they are cruelly kept alive and writhing around in paralysed agony, as parts of their bodies are sliced off and eaten right there on the plate in front of them, still breathing and marinating in their own blood and pain!"
God continuedeth,
"And don't go killing each other. I already told this to Cain, but now that that spastic retard is dead and drowned along with the rest of the past filth of humanity, I'll teach you this lesson again. No human shall be allowed to kill another human! If you take a human's life, your life is also to be taken. For the balance of my accounts, dammit! I need my accounts neatly balanced! ...I mean, I won't actually do anything to stop you from, or punish you for, killing another human being. In fact, I'll just sit right on back and watch with a bowl of popcorn as you humans come up with all sorts of barbaric senseless torturous ways to kill each other. I'll even reward some of you for killing, like I did with Cain. But, for those whose murders doesn't please me, I will wag my finger and tut a couple of times in your general direction every time you do so! Oh yeah, how d'you like them apples, huh bitches? You want to make God wag his finger and tut at you? Do you?! Heh heh heh, d'aw bless you, you little murderous scamps, you!"
God then addeth,
"Never again will I destroy the entire Earth and all life on it except for a few exemptions, over a petty annoyance of mine. But I will continue to make all your lives a living hell of utter misery and hardship. Because I can. Fuck you. You humans all hold evil in your hearts, and I'm not going to do anything to remove that evil, but I am going to forever fuck with you, punish you, and condone you for having that evil in your hearts, even if I was the one who put the evil there in the first place!"
"Oh, and one last thing,"
God concludeth,
"Look up there. You see that rainbow up there? Yeah, I don't mean to brag, but I totally made that awesome rainbow! Pretty nice visual to end a long-winded story on, huh? You're welcome. And even though it'll be a symbol that'll end up becoming adopted by those vile disgusting evil sinful homosexuals and their petty little 'eeuurrgghh We'Re HuMaNs, tOo! We HaVe RiGhTs LiKe EvErY oThEr HuMaN oN eArTh DoEs, boo-hoo-hoooo!' whining of their flawed mentality. That'll be our rainbow. As a sign of the covenant between all life on the planet Earth and me - the one true awesome and powerful God Almighty! ...Women can go fuck themselves, though, for all I care. Vile creatures they are, with their disgusting bouncy jiggly breasts and horror-show moist womanly genitals. Ugh, they make me want to throw up!"
And lo and behold! Every time you lay eyes upon a rainbow in the clouds, know that God is watching you. He is always watching you. Especially when your unloading a huge deuce in a toilet bowl after curry night. But especially when you're masturbating!
Ooooohhhhh, God is watching... Forever watching - ooohhhh...!!
Fear and worship Him!!!
LOVE HIM!!!
1) https://xhamster.com/stories/the-original-sin-9913625
2) https://xhamster.com/stories/the-sin-of-murder-9941208
Also, just for fun - though it isn't required, I recommend that you listen to "Here's Your Future" by The Thermals, to really get into the spirit of this story. That song sure helped me get into my groove whilst writing this :)
Have fun and enjoy!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the account of Noah and his family.
Noah was a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time, and he walked faithfully with God.
Indeed, Noah was real hot shit! Just such an amazing man. There has not been seen a more perfect man in the eyes of God, not since that wonderful beautiful human male (but more akin to an angel), known as Abel -- before that simpering brainless idiot Cain killed him.
Noah was just the best man, ever!
He also had three sons, named Shem, Ham, and Japheth. God still chuckles even to this day about having gotten Noah to name one of his sons after a pork product! Yet he drew the line at a more obvious choice of 'Bacon'.
Now it's important to note right here, in God's defence of what's about to happen, that the Earth was totally corrupt by this point in time. Like, just the worst. Humans had grown into a very violent, corrupt, despicable, vile, disgusting, hedonistic, vain, selfish, free-thinking, free-love, pot-smoking, hippy commune-like society. This offended God to no end, as you can imagine. Thankfully, after God did what He's about to do in this story, that the Earth and the humans on it are now a much better, superior, morally-righteous, and higher class of faithful people these days!
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Just remember that God was totally justified in doing what He's about to do! If anything, God's a real hero for committing mass genocide on a huge global-altering scale. Just like Stalin, or Hitler, or even the Rwandan Genocide of the 1990's, only God's genocide is even more impressive in scale and the numbers of lives slaughtered than any of those amateur chumps.
Oops, spoiler alert!
Please, continue reading this, for it is the word of the Lord.
God reached down to Noah, and spoke to him.
"Yo! Wassup, Noah, my best most favourite buddy! How the Chuck Norris are you today, old fella? Good, good. You're looking mighty swell for a 500 year old dude. So, um, listen mate, I got to tell you; I'm going to kill all life on the planet."
Noah, being such a wonderful superior faithful righteous man to God, looked around at the disgusting corrupted peoples around him, and saw a woman consensually being spit-roasted by a couple of hot sexy dudes over the snooker table in his favourite pub, and thoroughly enjoying herself in the process with orgasmic bliss as she does, agreed that every last person on earth and a whole countless bunch of animals and other innocent lifeforms needed wiping out, post-haste!
"This is good,"
God nodded smugly,
"Now here's the precise blueprints for how to construct your very own ark. You're going to need to source all the cypress wood and pitch for yourself at great personal expense which, in all honesty, is totally going to bankrupt you and your family, and put you in severe debt with money lenders. But don't worry! You won't need to pay off any debts you incur if your debtors are dead, right? And you're to build the ark exactly as the blueprints instruct you to."
God continued to instruct Noah,
"Once the ark is complete, you are to gather one pair of every single animal found on Earth, from all four corners of the globe, alive and intact. No animal is too big, nor too small! And each pair of animals need to be a male and female of the species for obvious reasons, even species of animals that have more than one gender, they are to be paired precisely as male and female only!"
"Wait a minute,"
Noah interjected,
"How big is this ark, again?"
"Look at the blueprints, man! It's 300 cubits long, 50 cubits wide, and 30 cubits high. Read the prints before asking me stupid questions!"
God bemoaned.
"But, surely O Lord, there are like, what, at least a couple million different species of animals on earth of all varying sizes. This ark is not nearly big enough to house all those animals?"
Noah scratched his wrinkled, balding head,
"And just two pairs of breeding animals? I know you love your incest, Lord, but surely that'll end up making most of the offspring of the animals evolutionary defunct, not to mention physically deformed and fucked up beyond all belief, possibly even impotent, and thus kill the species off?"
"And how would I even be able to take care of the animals? Surely I'd need a workforce of a hundred thousand men just to clean and feed the animals, treat what ails them with lots of medicines, and tidy their mess up? Speaking of food, how will I be able to store enough feed on the ark in order to sustain all of the animals, as well as myself? Forgive me for speaking out of turn, O great and wise genius, but this doesn't seem-"
"Are you questioning me, boy?"
God dared as He held His large thumb threateningly above Noah's head,
"I'm going to kill every last human on earth, you think I won't hesitate to squish your cunty bald head for daring to question my ingenious, perfectly thought-out plans? Hmm, wise guy? Since you're clearly so much smarter and wiser than me, the literal omnipotent and omniscient God(!)"
"No, Lord, please forgive me, I am your humble faithful servant, to serve you as you command."
Noah submissively licked His arse (metaphorically speaking, as God's arse is too almighty for a mere mortal to physically lick. Though Noah, of course, would literally lick God's arse if he could, because he's just that awesome of a faithful servant!).
"Hmm. You know what, for being such a favoured, good little faithful butt-kisser of mine, I am also going to grant you the privilege of bringing onto the ark; your wife, your sons, and your sons' wives. And uh, I suppose you could double the amount of feed, to look after yourselves as well as all the animals."
"Thank you, most awesome and perfect one, I shall get right on it!"
And with that, Noah, set about gathering the materials needed, and built himself the ark, all by himself, with no other help at all, despite being an old, decrepit, pentacentagenarian farmer-cum-vintner, with no learned skills whatsoever in ship-building or carpentry.
In fact, it took him over a hundred years to complete the ark. By the time he was 600 years old, he had finally completed the construction of the ark.
"Wonderful! Wonderful!"
God praised Noah upon seeing the ark,
"You've worked very hard to build this beast of a wooden ship. Sure, I know I could have made life much easier for you just by giving you a fully complete and functional ark when I first commanded you to have one in your possession, but like -- ugh, that sounds like menial work for me! Yes, I realise I'd only have to just will it into existence and it'll materialise right before your eyes in an instant because I am a divine omnipotent being, but that means I'd have to, you know, do something. I am God! I don't do. I am. There's a big difference! But I digress..."
Noah just rubbed his sweaty wrinkled-prune of a forehead and sighed in physical exhaustion, as he downed tools.
"Now, I've been thinking these past hundred years. In my infinite wisdom, I've decided to amend my plans a little bit, though they were already perfect plans to begin with, I decided that they could be made even more perfect! And so, I command you, Noah, to bring aboard the ark; 7 pairs of every kind of clean animal - male and female. And 1 pair of every dirty animal, male and female. I realise I haven't told you yet exactly which animals are clean and which are dirty, but that's for you to figure out. Go on, have a guess which animals are clean, and which are dirty, what's the worst that can happen if you guess wrong? Eternal hell and damnation to your soul forever? Ha! A good guessing game needs high stakes, man! It's more fun that way, especially for me, wouldn't you agree?"
God grinned.
"Oh, and you only have 7 days to gather every animal pairing onto the ark. Starting now!"
God struck a thundercloud to signal the 7 day countdown timer starting.
Somehow, against all the odds, right at the 7th hour of the 7th day, Noah was able to complete the task perfectly, and did exactly as God commanded, bringing both every animal on earth, and his wife, his sons, and sons' wives, aboard the ark. My word, what a man Noah is! Is there nothing this awesome, amazing, wonderful, God-fearing servant can't do? What a heroic, righteous, legend of a good bloke!
And with that task fulfilled, God took great delight and pleasure in flooding the entire globe in 40 days and 40 nights of rain. Or, as such a period of rainy time is called in the UK, January and February!
Somehow, this was enough rain to cover the entire globe in deep water. God wept tears of pure unbridled joy and happiness upon seeing so many lifeforms, not just humans, but a countless amount of innocent sinless animals, struggling in soggy panic, and subsequently drown to the salty deep of the ocean. As the people of all ages, from the most tiniest of babes to the oldest of mature adults, and all the most cutest of baby animals to the most beautiful and majestic of adult creatures, all cried out their cries of panicked terror and pain as they slowly drowned, God cheered and danced and celebrated this.
He even began wanking His cock furiously, which had somehow managed to obtain a very rare erection for Him, at the sight of such wanton destruction and cruel carnage to life on earth. God loved the horrific suffering so much, that He still to this day thoroughly enjoys with great psycho-sexual pleasure, witnessing people and animals suffering disgusting levels of inhumane torture, abuse, and pain. It pleases the Lord greatly when a living creature cries out in desperate agonising pain, and this is good.
Incredibly, the lucky animals aboard the ark didn't immediately attack each other over territorial disputes, nor did the carnivores kill and eat the herbivores, nor did they instantly fill the entire ship in their faeces, or flooded the decks in urine. Nor even doing any of that during the entire 150 days of the ark floating around aimlessly on the seas. I guess all living creatures just instinctively pull together and work as a team in dire times?
Of course, it was hard work for Noah and his family, slaving away each and every day to tend to the animals. It was even harder still keeping alive the animals which have a lifespan shorter than 150 days. And the fact that the little flying and creepy-crawly insects were almost as impossible as the micro-animals to keep contained in their separate housings aboard the ark. And don't even get me started on how difficult it was for Noah and his family to care for the micro-animals, considering this all happened before the invention of the microscope!
Still, despite all the difficulties of the task, the family would be troubled by boredom by the monotonous daily routine of the strenuous grind. So they would, with the Lord's blessing, every other weekend, swap wives around and play fun games with each other like; 'Spin the Bottle', 'Strip Knockout Whist', and 'Room Key Lottery'. You know, you got to keep spirits high with fun games when floating around pointlessly without any direction or further divine instruction.
After the rains stopped, and the waters receded, God opened one of the arks windows for Noah.
"Hey, Noah, guess on which day I'll dredge all of the floodwaters enough for there to be land on Earth again? Go on, have a guess. I'm not going to tell you, you're just going to have to keep testing each and every day by sending out a raven or a dove until you guess right!"
God chuckled impishly, and disappeared.
After many numerous days of guessing, with Noah swiftly reaching his breaking point and was now just so done with this shit, he sent out a dove to search for land. Later that evening, the dove returned with an olive branch in its beak!
For some reason, only known to Noah, instead of immediately searching for the land from which the dove gathered that olive branch from. Instead, he waited for a whole week before sending the dove out again. I guess it was because that week, it was Noah's turn to shag Ham's wife, or more aptly put, to "pork her", and with a nice wet tight fanny like she has, he clearly didn't want to miss out on that goodness!
Anyway, 7 days later, Noah sent his dove out once more.
...The dove never returned. No one aboard the ark knows what happened to that dove, but I have it on good authority that the dove had gotten itself a good job in very well-paid accountancy firm, and had no need to return to the ark. I mean, why work for seeds, when you can work for berries, am I right?
20-odd days later, the Earth was completely dry. Which sucked for all the fishes and swimming creatures who had been having the best time ever until then, but hey, at least Noah and his cabin-fevered family were no longer required to sail around aimlessly anymore!
"Noah, Shem, Ham,Japheth, and the wives whose slutty whore disgusting women names aren't worth mentioning, come on down!"
God announced as He shone His light over the newly revealed land,
"Congratulations! You've won the entire planet for yourselves! Well done! You are the one and only deserving master race. Now go forth and multiply! Separately, with your own species, I mean -- I saw what you were doing to those animals on the ark, Shem! Enough of that now, stick to fucking your own species, please! Thank you very much!"
Noah was so pleased, he quickly knocked up an altar to the Lord with some spare driftwood he had lying around, and took some of the clean animals and some of the clean birds, and immediately burnt them upon it as an offering to the Lord.
"Uh, yeah, thanks, I didn't ask you to do that, but, uh, thanks anyway, I guess. That barbecue sure smells nice!"
God bit His lip, and then sat everyone down at the burning altar.
"Now listen up, it's your favourite time; 'Preaching Time with The Lord!'"
God spoketh,
"You are to breed endlessly, and make the animals breed endlessly too. Separately, with your own species, I'll remind you, Shem! I want to see so much fucking life on this planet spreading out and multiplying like an uncontained virus, until all the resources are used up and the earth is rendered a barren wasteland of toxic waste, because that shit's tight, yo!"
The family listened intently as God spaketh,
"All that is green, and all animals that move around, are yours to do with as you see fit, and all for you to eat as and when you please. No eating disabled animals, OK? And no eating animals whilst they're still alive, understand? Except for in China, where I don't give a fuck! I love watching the Chinese eat animals whilst they are cruelly kept alive and writhing around in paralysed agony, as parts of their bodies are sliced off and eaten right there on the plate in front of them, still breathing and marinating in their own blood and pain!"
God continuedeth,
"And don't go killing each other. I already told this to Cain, but now that that spastic retard is dead and drowned along with the rest of the past filth of humanity, I'll teach you this lesson again. No human shall be allowed to kill another human! If you take a human's life, your life is also to be taken. For the balance of my accounts, dammit! I need my accounts neatly balanced! ...I mean, I won't actually do anything to stop you from, or punish you for, killing another human being. In fact, I'll just sit right on back and watch with a bowl of popcorn as you humans come up with all sorts of barbaric senseless torturous ways to kill each other. I'll even reward some of you for killing, like I did with Cain. But, for those whose murders doesn't please me, I will wag my finger and tut a couple of times in your general direction every time you do so! Oh yeah, how d'you like them apples, huh bitches? You want to make God wag his finger and tut at you? Do you?! Heh heh heh, d'aw bless you, you little murderous scamps, you!"
God then addeth,
"Never again will I destroy the entire Earth and all life on it except for a few exemptions, over a petty annoyance of mine. But I will continue to make all your lives a living hell of utter misery and hardship. Because I can. Fuck you. You humans all hold evil in your hearts, and I'm not going to do anything to remove that evil, but I am going to forever fuck with you, punish you, and condone you for having that evil in your hearts, even if I was the one who put the evil there in the first place!"
"Oh, and one last thing,"
God concludeth,
"Look up there. You see that rainbow up there? Yeah, I don't mean to brag, but I totally made that awesome rainbow! Pretty nice visual to end a long-winded story on, huh? You're welcome. And even though it'll be a symbol that'll end up becoming adopted by those vile disgusting evil sinful homosexuals and their petty little 'eeuurrgghh We'Re HuMaNs, tOo! We HaVe RiGhTs LiKe EvErY oThEr HuMaN oN eArTh DoEs, boo-hoo-hoooo!' whining of their flawed mentality. That'll be our rainbow. As a sign of the covenant between all life on the planet Earth and me - the one true awesome and powerful God Almighty! ...Women can go fuck themselves, though, for all I care. Vile creatures they are, with their disgusting bouncy jiggly breasts and horror-show moist womanly genitals. Ugh, they make me want to throw up!"
And lo and behold! Every time you lay eyes upon a rainbow in the clouds, know that God is watching you. He is always watching you. Especially when your unloading a huge deuce in a toilet bowl after curry night. But especially when you're masturbating!
Ooooohhhhh, God is watching... Forever watching - ooohhhh...!!
Fear and worship Him!!!
LOVE HIM!!!
Tammi
- 05.03.2022
- 37
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