Innocent BIL And Husband 8211 Part 22 The Final Episode
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Seinfeld is a creation of Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David.
Spells R Us is a creation of Bill Hart.
Ellen Degeneris is a creation of her parents.
Scene One: Spells R' Us store Paramus NJ location.
Old Man: Jerry Seinfeld, I haven't seen you in here in oh about ten years.
Jerry: Well I had this little TV show that has just about wrapped up. You
may have heard of it.
Old Man: I don't watch much TV. I haven't had much interest in it since
Bewitched got canceled. Had an itch for her twitch, you know. So what was
it about?
Jerry: Nothing, it was just a half hour sitcom about nothing.
Old Man: And this was popular? Boy, the public's tastes have changed. In my
day shows taught a lesson and everybody hugged at the end.
Jerry: We decided no hugging, it spreads too many germs. And besides why
do people have to keep learning things in life. Is the archangel Gabriel
going to come down for a pop quiz? Will our lives ever become a category
on Jeopardy? But never the less we were number one in the ratings every
week. Seems that people like to escape from the nothingness of their own
lives into the nothingness of the lives of my friends and myself.
Old Man: That's very interesting. I'll have to catch the reruns. So how did
that last potion I made for you work out? Remember the one that would
finally give you that busty bimbo that you always lusted for in high
school? You know that was a hard one to come up with, you don't find that
many Jewish bimbos. Jewish women are smart, they have learned not to shop
retail. They also don't have this tradition of bimboism to pass down like
what is found in the people of the Nordic blonde persuasion. If they did,
I'd imagine that you'd find breast sizes discussed in the Bible.
Jerry: Boy that would have made hebrew school more exciting. Let the rabbis
do a sermon about that, no one would ever fall asleep. As for the blondes,
hmmm I guess when you stare at ice and snow 24 hours a day in the fjords
watching it melt, it sort of does dull the brain.
Old Man: But this Jewish bimbo spell has suddenly become very popular.
Matter of fact the President ordered some and used it to create someone
named Monica. It was working so well until Linda Tripp spilled the beans.
I knew I should have done a better job turning him into a woman. Well
everyone has a bad day now and then. But I take it that you had a problem
with the potion.
Jerry: Well yeah. Sure she did become a seventeen year old wet dream with
double D breasts, but it didn't make her into a bimbo. She was a student at
GW no less. And then after a couple of years she dumps me for some preppy
her own age. Can you believe that?
Old Man: When did you use the potion?
Jerry: Oh about three years after I bought it. I wanted to wait til I was
financially secure enough to be able to show the girl a good time.
Old Man: That was your mistake, Jerry, and that's why the potion didn't
work the way that it was suppose to. Didn't you look at the best if used by
date on the bottle?
Jerry: No, you don't expect magic to have an expiration date. If that were
true wouldn't David Copperfield have broken up with Claudia Schiffer by
now?
Old Man: You have a point, but all these potions are now required by law to
have a best if used by date printed on the label. The FDMA(the Federal Drug
And Magic Administration Ed.) regulations demand that it be done. Magic
starts to lose its potency if it is not used within a specific amount of
time. That is why you didn't get the complete results.
Jerry: So that's what it was. I thought it was that she couldn't handle the
media fishbowl. Frankly I'd prefer to have a media aquarium, you get more
room and better food.
Old man: So what can I do for you today?
Jerry: Well with this last show I have been getting even more publicity
than ever before and I just can't shake the press off so that I can have
some time to myself.
Old Man: So you want to become less noticeable. A disguise perhaps, I have
lots of costumes in the back.
Jerry: I don't know. I'd just like to be completely someone other than who
I am right now, at least for awhile. I can just see my future. When Jewish
comics get old they end up playing the Borsht Belt up in the Catskills
telling jokes that always have the punch line in Yiddish. Trouble is that
most of the audience today doesn't understand Yiddish, they are just
laughing at the fact that the line sounds like someone about to throw up.
Dichup dichup dichup. Big laugh, but where is the thrill in that?
Old Man: Maybe you should try yada, yada, yada instead.
Jerry: You do that and the audience might as well make up their own
punchline. A lot can be read into a yada, yada , yada. Then someone could
claim you stole his best yada, and then where would you be. Sorry old man
it just won't do.
Old Man: It was just a thought. So you still want to be a comedian, but not
one who is Jewish.
Jerry: Or black, I couldn't deal with that.
Old Man: You want to be a comedian who isn't black or Jewish.
Jerry: Do you think that is possible?
Old Man: Well how about a woman? Woman comedians are getting to be very
popular.
Jerry: I don't know. I don't know if I'd feel comfortable telling jokes
about my orgasms or my boyfriends.
Old Man: I don't think that's your problem. The thought of sex as a woman
makes you uncomfortable. You don't think that you could be attracted to men
if you were a woman.
Jerry: Old man, if you saw the men on my show you would understand why the
idea of sex with men doesn't appeal to me. George alone has helped open ten
chapters of Penises Anonymous in the past year. Of course I guess I could
be a lesbian. Not that there is anything wrong with that. And I do have
this fluffy shirt that would look great on me as a woman.
Old Man: Look, here is a potion just for you. It will make you into a
non-Jewish female comedian. One who is a bit little down on her luck so you
won't be so crowded in your fish bowl.
Jerry: Imagining how this could work out makes me glad that Rosanne is
Jewish. Now that is scary thought.
Old Man: Don't worry Jerry you will be a thin blonde and even a little bit
younger than you are now.
Jerry: A blonde? Well I am worth it.
Jerry's apartment, later that day. George and Elaine are already there.
Enter Kramer through the front door in his usual unrestrained manner.
Kramer: Jerry guess what, I just found out that Turkish Taffy isn't made in
Turkey.
Jerry: Oh what a stunning revelation. Let me call Mike Wallace, I am sure
60 Minutes would be interested.
Kramer: Wait, Jerry there's more. Not only isn't it made in Turkey, it
isn't made at all anymore.
Jerry: Well that is news.
Kramer: Seems old man Bonamo sold the company to Tootsie Roll and they
stopped making it. Pulled the plug just like that.(snaps fingers)
George: Those bastards. Taking away a great candy from it's admiring public
long before it's time. The inhumanity of it all. Besides what kind of a
name is Tootsie Roll for a candy anyway? It sounds like a toilet paper for
transvestites.
Elaine: You know, you're right, I never thought of that. Mmm I wonder which
bathroom they'd put it in.
Jerry: You have a point there.
Kramer: I'll even bet that turkeys don't come from Turkey.
Jerry: I wouldn't take you on with that one. Everyone knows that the
Pilgrims had no sense of direction.
Kramer: Well that's what they get for coming to America before Rand McNally
got here. They should have waited Jerry. Yeah, for all we know they could
have called those birds Afghanistans.
Jerry: And just think how much better Thanksgiving would be with a roasted
Afghanistan with cranberry sauce beside it.
George: Stop it Jerry you are making me hungry. That Afghanistan sounds so
tempting.
Jerry: George there is no Afghanistans. Kramer just made it up.
George: I just thought it would be the perfect bird to serve at the
Festivus family meal. Well that's just like the food business today. One
day you are tempting palates the next day you are history baby.
Kramer: That's just what happened to Turkish Taffy.
Jerry: What is all this about Turkish Taffy?
Kramer: I was just thinking about coming up with a candy that the whole
world has been looking for. Everyone loves candy, Jerry. Except maybe
dentists and they make up such a small portion of the market share, they
don't count.
Jerry: Yeah everyone likes candy. Like George with his Twix bars and Pez
and of course don't forget the Junior Mints.
George: Why do they call them Junior Mints? Are there Senior Mints? There
should be. Old people really need them cause they have the worst breath.
The worst Jerry.
Jerry: Well that makes sense, they have been breathing longer, so naturally
they have had more time for their breath to go stale.
Kramer: That's it, I'll make Senior Mints. Mints especially made for old
people, that'll be my candy. I'll make a fortune, because people are
getting older everyday.
Elaine: Speak for yourself, Kramer.
Kramer: So Jerry where should I go to get the ingredients?
Jerry: You know I was down at Spells R Us this afternoon. There is an old
man who works there who is great with coming up with all kinds of new
concoctions.
George: Spells R Us, isn't that the place that created that Jewish ex-bimbo
with the big knockers that ran out on you a few years ago?
Jerry: Yes, but it was not their fault. I used magic that was beyond its
expiration date.
Kramer: Yeah I'd watch those dates, Jerry. Especially dealing with milk.
Yeeech. I've ruined more good bowls of cereal that way.
George: They are putting those dates on everything now, even on beer. That
to me seems totally useless. After a couple of brewskies, who in the world
is going to be able to read those tiny numbers on the bottle to see if it's
fresh.
Jerry: After more than a couple beers, it probably wouldn't matter anymore
to some people.
Elaine: This Spell's R Us store doesn't do mimbos too? You know male
bimbos like Puddy.
Jerry: Sorry Elaine they just do female bimbos. I afraid Puddy is just a
freak of Nature.
Elaine: Well I guess it's nice to know Mother Nature has a sense of humor.
Jerry: Well as long as she doesn't show up doing stand up at the Improv,
there is too much competition out there now as it is. Besides she really
got over exposed doing that margarine bit a few years ago.
George: So what did you pick up at Spells R Us?
Jerry: Just a potion to let me go unnoticed for awhile. I am going to
become something completely different.
Kramer: You are going to join Monty Python?
Jerry: No, I am going to become a non-Jewish female comedian.
Elaine: Well it will be interesting to have another female in the group, to
even things up. Besides it might also be nice to see which men you judge to
be spongeworthy.
Jerry: So Elaine, you would actually part with some of your stash for me.
Elaine: Not on your life. But I have heard of a contraceptive collectibles
site on the Internet you night want to look into. If you find you have the
need.
Jerry: No thanks, that won't be necessary at all. I've decided to become a
lesbian.
George: That sounds like it might be interesting. Tell me Elaine, when two
lesbians go out on a date for dinner, which one picks up the check.
Elaine: How in the hell should I know and why would you even be interested?
George: It's just that when a man and a woman go out it is traditional for
the man to pick up the check. So I was wondering what happens when it is
two women who go out.
Elaine: I guess the manlier one does or they split it or if that doesn't
work, they fight over it.
George and Kramer: Ooh catfight!!
Kramer: You know Jerry if you become a woman you'll get to use Secret
deodorant. Think of it. And you can read Ladies Home Journal and not feel
self-conscious.
George: How come there is a Ladies Home Journal and no Men's Home
Journal. Don't we have homes too?
Jerry: Yes and aren't we are masters of our own domain?
Kramer: Oh, I don't know if I'd want to see pictures of that.
Jerry: Maybe that's why there is no Men's Home Journal.
George: Look Jerry you can become a woman if you want to, but I have one
word for you old buddy, menstruation. Blood everywhere, every month and all
the money you will spend on Kotex, which as a man you wouldn't need.
Jerry: That is true. But it is something all women must face and they do a
good job of it I must say.
Kramer: I hear that some women have an early warning detection system for
these things called PMS. Let's them know that the blood is on its way so
they can prepare. Downright spooky if you ask me.
Jerry: Wasn't that on an episode of the X-Files? Or is Scully always that
way?
George: So Elaine, you have been a woman all your life I take it.
Elaine: Yeah, you can take it and shove it George.
George: No what I mean is that this bleeding thing every month doesn't
bother you?
Elaine: No it doesn't bother me. Matter of fact I look forward to it. Every
month when I see that blood stain there on that tampon, I am reassured that
I will not be soon saddled with a child that I will be stuck with forever,
whether I like it or not. No, this way I get to flush the little sucker
down the toilet and never be bothered with it again. A kid is forever, a
bloody kotex I can just flush down the loo.
George: I thought women had this maternal instinct.
Elaine: To do what? To allow them to enjoy being woken up in the middle of
the night by someone crying Ohh I'm scared. Ooh I need a drink of water.
Ooh I need a hug. I don't need a kid for that, hell I get enough of that
from Puddy.
Jerry: Obviously Elaine had that instinct removed long ago along with her
tonsils.
George: And you will have breasts Jerry, don't forget them.
Jerry: Believe me that is one part of the female anatomy that rarely strays
from my mind. Now I will have a pair to do whatever I want with whenever I
want it. It will be nothing, if not more convenient and I can be sure they
are real.
George: But you now are going to have to wear a bra.
Elaine: Not necessarily, you can be just like my friend the braless wonder.
Kramer: And we got a whole case of the "Bros" left if you want to try them.
That idea never really seemed to take off.
George: I'd say that you don't have to shave your legs now as a man, but as
a woman you wouldn't have to shave your face, so I'd said that it was a
tradeoff.
Elaine: I would agree, but at least you don't have to wax a bikini line on
your face.
Kramer: She's got you there.
Scene Spells R Us - Kramer enters almost tripping over some magic brooms.
Old Man: Kosmo, welcome to my little shop. Jerry tells me that you are
interested in a little business proposition.
Kramer: I want to create..
Old Man: A candy that will make the breath of old people as sweet as a
little baby's breath.
Kramer: You are good, ohh you are very good.
Old Man: I have to be or this shop would have become a Linen Loft or a
Rhode Island Pizza long ago.
Kramer: Or Kenny Rogers Roasters, it's the wood that makes it good.
Old Man: Along with some wood nymphs that I wouldn't care to mention, that
is the real secret that no one knows about. They provide the sweet juices
to give it its flavor, I won't go into exactly how right now. Well let me
see, I believe that I have something that will do nicely right here.
The old man pulls a bowl of chocolate candy from behind the counter.
Kramer tries to take one but the Old Man slaps him on the wrists.
Old Man: They are not for you Kramer, you must be over seventy years old
for the mints to work properly. Now go find some old person with really bad
breath out in the mall and bring them here. Then I will show you how it
works.
Kramer: Okay.
Montage of Kramer coming up to old people around the mall and smelling
their breath. He finds one whose breath causes him to grimace and decides
he is the right one. He gets the man to go to Spells R Us by dragging the
man's walker with him hanging on for dear life. Soon they are both inside
Spells R Us.
Kramer: Well I found one and whew does he need a mint bad.
Other Old Man: What in the hell is going on? What am I doing here? I am
wasting some good bench sitting time hanging around here. Take me back.
Old Man: Sorry for the inconvenience, here have one of our new candies on
the house.
Other Old Man: I have diabetes and heart problems, I don't know if I
should.
Old Man: Look I am old too, so I know where you are coming from. I made
this candy especially to be enjoyed by everyone regardless of what kind of
debilitating disease they suffer from. Why should such sweetness be wasted
on the young?
Other Old Man: Okay.
The other old man takes the candy and eats it. Suddenly he begins to
shrink. His clothes shrink along with him. Soon where the old man had been
is a baby girl wrapped in a pink blanket. While this is going on Kramer is
flipping out doing his disco version of St. Vitus's Dance.
Kramer: Ohh you are good, you are really good.
Old Man: Well now his breath is a fresh as a baby because he or rather she
is now an infant.
Kramer: But why a baby girl?
Old Man: To make him a man again would be redundant. Let him live a life
that is completely different from his past one.
Kramer: (making goo goo eyes at the baby) But she's all alone. A little
girl like that needs a mother.
Old Man: No problem Kramer. Fortunately I keep some spare bimbos on hand
for such as occasion. Oh Bridget, will you come out to the front please?
Enter a beautiful woman with long red hair and of course big breasts. If
they are real or not, only her wizard knows for sure.
Bridget: Glory be, so what's going on old man. You have another job for me?
Old Man: Yes my fair lassie. Someone has changed himself into a baby girl
and needs a mother to take care of her. Could you take care of that for me
Bridget?
Bridget: Be glad to, old man. I always wanted a baby girl like this and now
I won't have to lose me figure to get one.
Kramer: Are you sure she's qualified?
Old Man: Oh she has a very strong maternal instinct. I am sure that you can
keep the baby well fed with those magnificent breasts of yours, my dear. We
do tend to forget that making men excited are not their primary purpose.
Bridget goes over and scoops up the baby and takes it into the back.
Old Man: That is Mr. Kramer, unless you would like to be transformed into
the baby's mother yourself?
Kramer: Me? Naahhh. I couldn't take care of a baby. I am never at home. I
am always at Jerry's.
Old Man: Then we will let Bridget handle the maternal end. So Mr. Kramer,
it seems these mints will work just as you asked. It will make any old
person's breath as sweet as a newborn baby, because that is what they will
become.
Kramer: Ohh you are good. You are real good.
Next scene: Jerry's bathroom. He has the potion in his hand.
Jerry: Well if this works as it is supposed to, I will soon be a blonde
lesbian comedian. Hmmm I wonder who that could be. Well let us hope this
works.
Jerry swallows the potion and he slowly morphs into Ellen DeGeneris.
Jerry/Ellen: Yep I'm gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Spells R Us the next day.
Old Man: So Jerry, are should I say Ellen, it seems that the potion worked.
Jerry: Yeah it worked alright. I thought I said I wanted to be someone more
obscure. Who's idea was it to make me into Ellen DeGeneris?
Old Man: Actually it was his.
From the back of the shop a portly mailman with a smug on his face
slowly comes towards Jerry.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Boy it doesn't have the same ring of disdain. But hello Jerry, er
Ellen. You may wonder why I did all this, well with the show coming to an
end I need another gig. So I figured I could get a job on the new "Ellen"
show.
Jerry: But you forgot one thing. Ellen is a show about lesbians and you are
a mailman, a male man. That's two strikes against you.
Newman: You are right I didn't think about that.
Jerry: Well I believe you can fix this old man. I could say you owe me one.
Old Man: My pleasure Jerry.
The old man waves his arms and suddenly Newman is changed into Teri
Hatcher in a low cut dress.
Newman: Why, what did you do that for?
Jerry: Well now you could be my girlfriend, at least on the first episode.
I have never had a relationship last longer than that. And this time I can
be in the sauna and find out if they are real.
Newman: Come on old man, this isn't what I wanted to happen. I have a
girlfriend on 3rd Rock for Christsakes.
Jerry: As I understand it, the two of you will now have more in common.
Maybe you two could be the lesbian couple next store and drop by sometimes
to borrow a cup of sugar and a strap on.
Newman(or perhaps Newoman): Old man this is not the way I wanted it.
Change me back please.
Old Man: Well you did say you wanted a part on the show and now you have
two prominent parts, that are quite real I must say. But before I can do
anything I must consult my new partner.
A tall man with a moustache comes from the back room. He has an angry
look on his face.
Old Man: Well partner shall we give Newman a spell to turn him back?
Soup Nazi: No, no spells for you. Next!
Jerry: It's the Soup Nazi.
Old Man: Only now he is the Spells Nazi. He was looking for work after his
soup business went under. He will help me get rid of the people who come
into the shop and do not deserve to get a spell from me. Pretty effective
huh?
Spells Nazi: No spells for you, no spells for anyone. Now get out, all of
you.
Everyone leaves the store in a hurry. The Spells Nazi goes back to
the back room. The old man picks up the phone and dials a number.
Old Man: Jamie Tharses, president of ABC, please. Tell her its Spells R Us
calling. Tell her I forgive the network for canceling Bewitched?.Hello
Jamie, yes it's now safe to renew Ellen for another season. I can guarantee
you that if you do the show will no longer be about political issues or gay
themes. What will it be about? It will be about something very safe and
uncontroversial, nothing, nothing at all. And nothing can be safer than
nothing, right?
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