BioMorph
This story is not about my early life, so I'll just give you a few details
about it and then get into the more important stuff.
I was born Alex Morgan. I grew up in a small farming town in southern New
Hampshire. My childhood was fairly pleasant and filled mostly with friends
but sprinkled with a few bullies and jerks here and there to keep me on my
toes.
Through a bit of luck, money from home (until my parents passed away my
fifth year of college), mediocre grades, and a fascination with science, by
the skin of my teeth I obtained a bachelor's degree in physiology, a
master's in computer science and another master's in electronic engineering.
I didn't graduate with honors. Maybe I could have with enough work, but I
chose to slack and skip classes now and then to pursue at least some kind of
social life.
My particular skills well suited me for my first job and the company
snatched me up as soon as they saw my resume. At the age of twenty-five I
began work at Maryland Medical, Inc., (MMI) in Bethesda. This was October 6,
1988.
The pay was a bit lower than I had hoped but the work was certainly
fascinating and rewarding. MMI designed and sold various medical instruments
like ultrasound machines, CAT scanners, MRI machines, along with a line of
smaller gadgets like IV regulators and endoscopes.
They hired me as a systems engineer. I found myself doing everything from
writing software to designing hardware to entertaining customers. My boss,
Arnie Foster, and I became friends during this time. Arnie was seven years
older than me, divorced, with one twelve-year-old son that lived with his
mother in South Carolina.
Arnie and I double-dated a few times and I guess I should admit that it was
Arnie who supplied several of my dates for me. He was one of those humble,
well-mannered, clean-cut, farmer boy types with the looks and build to
match. He didn't have the southern accent to go with it, though. He was born
and raised in the Midwest. It seemed girls were always falling in love with
him. It was a little irritating to be out on a double date and my date would
often seem more interested in Arnie than in me. I realized this was partly
because the typical girl willing to double-date with Arnie's date just might
be doing it out of interest in Arnie. Such was my rationalization, anyway.
Arnie was a nice guy, though. He was also as smart as a whip. We could go
into the wee hours of the morning discussing all kinds of interesting
subjects.
The first responsibilities given me at MMI involved making minor
improvements to a machine that had already been selling for a couple years.
This machine could non-intrusively do the job of liposuction by focusing
high-power ultrasound beneath the skin to destroy fat without damaging the
skin. It was called Sonoblast. After the fat was destroyed the body would
then absorb it.
The whole procedure sometimes had to be done in several sessions so that the
body was not over-burdened with an excessive amount of waste from the dead
fat cells. Killing the fat too quickly caused nausea in the patient, and
sometimes in the operator, if you know what I mean. The procedure could be
accelerated by giving the patient a constant flow of new, clean, blood
through an IV, but blood is too valuable to be used only for convenience. So
the procedure was typically staggered over several days.
As I said, the machine focused ultrasound. It used large, flat panels of
tens of thousands of tiny piezo-electric ultrasonic transducers. These
transducers are really just little high-powered audio tweeters,
one-thirtieth millimeter square. Each transducer could convert electrical
impulses to sound waves. Also, just like any audio speaker or tweeter, a
transducer could convert audio waves back into electrical impulses like a
microphone. It worked on exactly the same principle as an ultrasound machine
but with higher-power transducers.
The ultrasonic energy was focused by pulsing an electrical signal in each
transducer at the proper point in time so that the wave coming away from the
panel would converge at a single point beneath the skin. By adjusting the
timing of the pulse in each transducer, the wave from the whole panel could
be made to converge at any point in front of the panel. Another way to look
at this is that the individual pulses from all the transducers were timed so
that there was some point beneath the skin where they all met at the same
time. At this point the wave peaks and troughs added to form one big pulse,
resulting in an extremely high intensity of wave pressure strong enough to
break cell walls.
So only at the focal point would the sound intensity be sufficient to
destroy flesh. On the skin surface the sound waves were spread over enough
area so that no part of the skin would be damaged. It's a little like
putting your hand under a magnifying glass when the sun is shining through
it. You get burned only when the beam is focused to a point.
The really amazing feature of the machine, though, was the software. Without
the software a doctor could still manually move the transducer over skin,
but he would have little idea what he was destroying, and the wave-pattern
coming from the panel would be set to a certain depth and presume certain
refractive qualities of the flesh it traversed. In layman's terms, the
non-software version of the device didn't do a good job of focusing the
energy.
The feat of the software was its ability to make the procedure safe and
accurate. The software caused the machine to first send a weak sound signal
(not strong enough to cause damage) to the focal point. This signal would
reflect and refract its way back to more transducers, where it would be
converted back to an electrical signal. The pattern of the sound waves
received by the transducers was used to ascertain the makeup of the flesh.
When the software was convinced the flesh was only fat, it would pulse
higher power until the fat became liquid, indicating destruction of the cell
walls, and death of the cells. It repeated this cycle in a matter of
milliseconds.
Unfortunately the FDA never licensed it. Apparently there was too much
danger that an untrained operator might accidentally point the thing at a
more vital part of the body. I tended to agree with their decision. One
software bug and a slip of the doctor's grip could sever your spinal cord.
We sold a total of 26 machines overseas over a span of about 4 years. That's
$2.3 million per machine--nothing to sneeze at. We required customers to
sign a massive disclaimer agreement and only sold the machine in countries
that would honor it.
From the experience gained from the Sonoblast, MMI moved on to some
contraptions that could be more precisely pointed and that could destroy
cells of types other than fat. With more precision we could kill small
groups of cells, sometimes single cells, leaving other nearby cells intact.
This made it possible to shrink tissue by killing only some of the cells
scattered throughout the tissue. By 1991 we had a prototype of a device that
could shrink skin, fat, tendons (partially), muscle, some organs, cartilage,
and, amazingly, bone.
Most of the soft flesh that didn't have a complex structure was a cinch.
Cartilage was also surprisingly easy because its homogenous-the surface of
cartilage has the same make-up as its interior-so we could destroy the
surface to reshape the cartilage without affecting its functionality.
Bone was a bear. Bone is composed of a lattice of mostly easily metabolized
metals. The specific material of the lattice is called hydroxy-apatate-a
molecule containing mostly calcium. The lattice is kept intact and restored
by cells called osteoblasts, which produce a thick liquid of giant smart
molecules (that is, proteins) infiltrating and nourishing the lattice. The
liquid, along with the cells, is called osteoid. It was the lattice that
needed alteration such that channels were still available for the osteoid to
flow. If there were no channels for the osteoid to flow then the bone would
die.
To destroy and reshape bone, the machine had to have a resolution that would
at least barely be able to discern the individual branches of the lattice,
and then the software had to figure a way to destroy a section of the bone
so that the remaining bone would fall together such that the lattice would
still hold together well during healing. Altering bone required some fairly
sophisticated software. The recovery time was upwards of that required when
one breaks a bone, because that's exactly what we were doing-breaking bones.
By 1993 we found a way to send much shorter ultrasound waves through the
body without them being much absorbed until they arrived at the focal point.
Shorter waves gave higher resolution (precision) but had, until then, been
too well absorbed by the body to penetrate it very far. The sound wave we
used was complex, rather than a sine-wave, in such a way that little of its
energy was absorbed by the salt water that makes up much of the body.
With these extremely short waves and the proper software we were able to
partially perform a form of on-the-spot bone healing by locally vaporizing
the hydroxy-apatate lattice, which would fuse back together as solid calcium
as it quickly cooled. We were, in effect, able to weld bone. Major
alterations could be done in a matter of hours and with faster and more
complete healing afterwards. Money continued to pour in from the sale of
other products and with it the company pursued BioMorph.
BioMorph looked like a long rectangular bathtub lined with transducer
panels, each holding millions of tiny transducers, covering the inside walls
and floor. A big transducer panel folded down over the top of the victi....
er, "patient". He would lie in the tub with a breathing tube in his nose. A
clear, inert, odorless hydraulic fluid (for conducting the ultrasonic waves)
would fill the entire tub and then things would begin to happen. A video
monitor let the operator see the patient.
The procedure was fully automated. A program was selected and the operator
just stepped back to wait for it to complete. The software would send weak
ultrasonic signals to examine the section to be altered, and then more
powerful signals to make the alteration according to the current position
and make-up of the organ to be altered. There was also a scan-only mode in
which a subject could be placed in the machine and the shapes of the various
body parts and organs could be recorded by the software for later viewing.
In this mode it was really just an elaborate ultrasound machine.
Arnie wrote most of the higher-level software and I was systems engineer.
There were a total of 8 engineers, several more medical professionals, and
probably 30 other technical support personnel on the team.
The very first test of the complete machine was done on a T-bone steak. Then
we moved on to mice. We had to find the safety limits of the shrinkage and
reshaping of various organs.
Arnie would sit at the controls and I would drop in the mice. There was a
standing joke that Arnie's finger on the switch just might "slip" when my
hand was in the tub. I'd have my hand partly in the tub retrieving a mouse
(we'd tie little weights to the tails which we called 'concrete galoshes')
and just before my hand was out he'd yell "OOOPS... oh, no! Are you OK?".
He stopped this tiring little gag when one day he really did slip. No damage
was done to my hand, though. We weren't trying to fry the mouse--just shrink
his tissues a little. The software was written to recognize certain parts of
the mouse and ignore anything else it saw, so I didn't feel a thing. But
afterward my continuing joke was that, strangely, my class ring kept
slipping off. Even so, the safety people made us make a wire 'mouse
manipulator' so I didn't have to stick my hand in there anymore.
We moved on to rhesus monkeys and then to human subjects. We started with
the more tried and true process of fat removal. Eventually we were able to
perform fairly major alterations on human subjects, but only through our
sister companies overseas because the machine was never approved by the FDA,
except for the scanning mode.
Several of us went to South Africa once to watch a middle aged lady get a
birth defect in her jaw fixed. Even we, the designers, were amazed at the
results. We also shortened a Brazilian guy's spine but I didn't get to see
it. He had a defect in which most of the lumbar vertebrae were malformed and
too long. The machine could not, of course, shrink such a complex organ as
the spinal cord without causing permanent damage. So that wouldn't be
shrunk. Some of us were worried that the spinal cord would start to crumple
and twist in the spine as it was forced to span a shorter distance-kind of
like a rope being pushed into a pipe-and cause numbness or pain or motor
problems. But, as some of the experts pointed out, nerve tissue is
unbelievably stretchy and bendable. It has to be. It must traverse the
lengths of so many movable appendages. Most nerves can be stretched up to
70% without permanent damage. Nerves can also practically be folded in two
without hurting them. Ever see a contortionist bend backward until she's
looking at the bottoms of her feet? A rhesus monkey's spine could be
stretched about 30%, or crumpled within the spinal column by a length of
about 20% without a problem, and over several months it would partially
adjust its length.
There seemed to be no ill effects in the Brazilian man who's spine was
shortened, and the malformed section of his spine was shortened 10% in one
session and 8% more in a session a month later.
Because it first had been fairly well tested on animals, the machine rarely
made mistakes in the human subjects and those it did make were minor-a
little too much fat removed here, a little extra bone healing needed there.
Once or twice there was minor nerve damage but we learned from our mistakes
and were able to cause the software to better recognize nerves through a
sort of self-teaching algorithm that merged a knowledge-base of general
anatomy to its image of the patient in order to make some pretty educated
guesses on what was a nerve and what wasn't. This same algorithm was later
expanded to help the machine handle the entire physiology as well as
generate its own procedures from making alterations. With this algorithm, it
became possible for the system programmer to configure more general
alterations and let the machine figure the best way to do them.
Arnie and I would come in early and stay late out of pure fascination with
the potential of the machine. We spent a lot of time together and became
pretty good friends.
One night Arnie, after complimenting me on an engineering problem I'd
solved, said, "Alex, if you were a girl, I'd ask you to marry me".
Saying something like that in a joking way was not all that weird between
guys, but I somehow sensed he meant a little more than just a silly joke.
In the same guy, joking, way I said "Oh, I guess I'd marry a hunk like you
if I were a girl". This statement was probably a bit weird for one guy to
say to another and I was a little surprised at myself when I said it, yet
there was a bit of truth in it. Arnie didn't flinch. He just looked at me
for about 15 seconds. Then he said very matter-of-factly, "You know it isn't
completely impossible".
I was a little shocked at this statement and wasn't sure how to take it. I
knew he was talking about the BioMorph. Most of the engineering team had
mused over the fact that, with the right programming, the BioMorph had the
capability to do completely convincing sex changes.
I'll also admit that I had fantasized it. You see, I have what some people
would call a 'quirk' in my libido. I won't get into that right now. It
should suffice, here, to say that I had learned to live with it.
Anyway, as I said, I had fantasized about it, but I would always be yanked
back to reality by the fact that the company would not, of course, allow it
nor would I ever be able to stand before all my friends and coworkers and
say, "Is tomorrow payday? ...and, oh, by the way, I'm going to convert my
body into a beautiful woman's body this afternoon".
I said to Arnie, "Ok, I'd like a 38-22-36 figure, blonde hair, and one-inch
eyelashes, please."
Then Arnie said that he had already written the program.
I said, "You have? Why?"
He paused, and said, "Would you really consider doing it, Alex?"
For lack of anything else to say, I said half-consciously, "I don't know.".
I wanted to say 'yes' but I wasn't about to say it, so I said, "It would
take a lot of testing".
"Well, all the pieces have already been tested.", he said. "On real human
subjects--the specific bone, fat, muscle, intestine, lung, cartilage, and
liver procedures have been done successfully on other patients for other
reasons. You saw the results of that spine being shortened on that Brazilian
guy last month. And remember the cadaver that was missing a couple weeks
ago?-I took it. I did a full test on it and it worked. Alex, I did a biopsy
and saw nothing to indicate it would have damaged a living human."
I said, "I can't believe we're having this conversation".
I sat there for a minute looking at Arnie, looking at the floor, looking out
the window. He didn't move from his spot. Then Arnie said, "I know this is a
surprise, and maybe kind of weird. Ok, very weird-but I've sensed it might
be something you would consider. We could take it slow... and watch the
progress."
He was serious. He was actually suggesting the real thing. Man! First, I
said to myself, 'you'd end up a mass of dying flesh, Alex'. Yet I knew that
simply wasn't so. I knew the reliability and safety of the machine as well
as anybody. I knew that performing the procedure in many small steps was
safer than was really even necessary. I knew that, in effect, the whole
procedure had pretty much been done to some degree-it was just spread out
over many patients.
I had also known that to do it would require an accomplice, but I never
dreamed anyone, including Arnie, would be game for it. Also, the machine
could shrink but it couldn't grow. Oh, the few things about a woman's body
that required growth of flesh could be done-the machine was capable of
selectively shrinking nearby flesh to pull flesh in the desired direction,
and even somewhat capable of rearranging softer flesh like skin, fat, and
muscle enough to produce breasts and other such shapely features. It was
just the permanency of it all. I could not just hop back in the machine and
snap myself back into a man when I got tired of being a girl. I would live
out the rest of my life as a female.
Arnie stood up and pulled out his wallet.
"Arnie...", I said.
He didn't answer, but pulled a small photograph out of his wallet and handed
it to me. The photo was rubbed in places but one could still see the two
women in the picture. Arnie pointed to one of them. The girl looked to be in
her early twenties and of western European decent. She had almost shoulder
length blonde hair that fanned out above her shoulders but didn't touch
them. Her face was broad, and her eyes wide-set and dark. Her eyebrows were
high and sparse on a smooth, oriental brow. She had a small, slightly
up-turned nose and perfectly shaped elongated-oval lips. She wore no makeup
and didn't need it. She was standing beside another, taller, girl which gave
the impression that Arnie's girl was rather short. She was not smiling in
the picture, but seemed to be intently staring at whomever was taking the
picture. I couldn't see the rest of her-it was a face and shoulders shot of
two girls-but I got the impression she was a knockout from head to toe.
"That's someone I knew... a long time ago", He said. It was obvious from the
tone of Arnie's voice that he had held something for this girl. "The program
will make you just like her, Alex".
Hmm, he wants me to be an old flame. My first thought was skepticism. But my
next was intrigue. To be Arnie's old flame.... I must admit it was kind-of
appealing. I could do a lot worse than spend the rest of my life as such a
beautiful girl-and with a boyfriend-or husband!-like Arnie.
Sheesh, what was I thinking? A voice in my head was screaming at me. "are
you crazy?". Strangely, my answer to it was, "No. This might very well be
the sanest thing I ever did".
I said to Arnie, "I don't know what I'd tell everybody. I'd have to
resign... and move away."
"You'd have to resign, but you wouldn't have to move away. You'd come back
as... this girl, and make your friends over again." He almost said her name.
I guess he was letting me pick my own name. Even so, my curiosity needed
satisfaction.
"What was her name?", I said.
"Kate. Short for Kathleen."
Somehow, without me agreeing to it verbally, it became fairly settled that
night that I was going to be changed into a 5 foot 3 inch girl named Kate. I
guess it was embarrassment that kept me from simply saying to Arnie or
myself, 'Yep, I wanna be a girl, all right'. But the truth was that I did
wanna be a girl, all right. Especially that girl in the picture-Arnie's
girl. She was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen, and I think I
knew how Arnie must have felt about losing her. The idea of pleasing Arnie
as that girl-one whom he would be in love with-was most desirable to me.
Arnie and I discussed it over the next few days and soon the decision became
pretty much final. I submitted my resignation letter and gave the company
two more weeks. Arnie rented a house which I would move to after the change.
He took responsibility for the payments, but told the landlord he was making
the arrangements for some friends.
I told my friends and coworkers that I was moving to Topeka, Kansas. It was
kind of an inside joke with myself-you know... Kansas, there's no place like
home, and all. Some of them said keep in touch and I said sure. I wouldn't,
of course!
I went through all these motions without really dwelling much on the reason.
I still had in the back of my mind the perfectly acceptable notion of
changing my mind and staying a guy. Maybe it was this assurance that allowed
me to prepare for the change without much anxiety or thought of the future.
Arnie suggested for my safety that we do the procedure in 15 or 20 sessions
spread over several months, but I said let's go ahead and do it as quickly
as was reasonable, which, we both agreed would be two or three sessions as
close as several days apart. Arnie knew doing it in just a few sessions was
fairly safe, as I did, but he wanted to give me the option. Doing it with
just a few sessions eliminated having to sneak me in to the company many
times over months. The probability of being caught was vastly decreased with
just three sessions. If we did it with many sessions and were caught right
around the time I was neither a guy nor a girl, but an "it", I would have to
go through the rest of my life like that! We decided on two main sessions
and a follow-up calibration session, spread over a week.
I left the company on a Friday. That weekend and the next Monday and Tuesday
I sold or donated most of my belongings, closed out all my affairs, and
moved into my new house. I was becoming a 'man who did not exist'-as far as
bank accounts go, etc.. Arnie gave me one of his credit cards to use for
expenses until I got settled into my new role.
I gave Arnie a call on Wednesday morning and he stopped by in the afternoon
to discuss plans.
There was a shipping and receiving dock that would serve our purpose. Arnie
would open the dock garage door and let me in at 1 AM on next Sunday
morning. He said he'd have everything ready. The first session would take
several hours. If all went well, we'd do two more sessions spread about
three or four days apart.
Arnie called me or stopped by every day telling me of his preparations, and
assuring me things were going well. He said he'd made some final changes to
the software and wanted to do a quick system test before the real thing.
"Another cadaver will be needed from the morgue", he said.
"Are you kidding? The company will become rather suspicious, don't you
think!", I said.
"They won't notice its missing for a while. Besides, they'll get over it.
Especially when no more are missed for months. I just want to do everything
safely. Its better to risk being caught stealing a cadaver than risk bodily
damage to you, Alex!"
Arnie stopped by my place Saturday afternoon and we went over our plans. I'd
show up at the dock door a little earlier than planned-11:30 that evening.
Arnie would let me in and have everything ready. I'd be on IV and require a
flow of clean blood. I'd also have an abdominal drain-which I didn't much
look forward to. The IV and abdominal drain were to quickly remove the waste
of all the dead flesh so that we could do the procedure over such a short
time. The idea of a lung drain had also come up but I quickly rejected it in
favor of having to cough up a little extra fluid from my lungs-which
wouldn't be all THAT much fun, either.
By 5:00 AM, if all went well, as far as my general size and shape I'd be
about one-half of the way to being the girl in the picture, and my facial
features would look enough like a girl's that no one would have to look
twice-I'd just not be very shapely. The second session, which would
virtually complete the process, would be Wednesday. The final session would
be a sort of checkup and calibration of my new body, with only very minor
alteration. That session would be next Sunday.
"It's now 3:30. Maybe you'd better get to bed soon and try to get some
sleep", Arnie said.
"Yeah, right", I said.
Maybe it was the excitement of the past week, but I fell asleep within
fifteen minutes of crawling in bed.
The alarm woke me up at 10:00 PM. I popped out of bed feeling a need to
hurry even though it wasn't necessary. Needless to say I was trembling-kind
of the way you do when you have to get up before dawn for an important trip.
I quickly shaved (for the last time), brushed my teeth, showered, and
dressed in blue-jeans and black T-shirt. That's all I'd need, and it would
make me inconspicuous.
I drove my car to a 24-hour department store near MMI, the whole time
fighting the urge to speed. I really didn't feel much like getting stopped
by a cop just then! I drove into the department store parking lot and parked
my car among the others. I checked the time, paused just a second to review
the plans in my mind to make sure I hadn't forgotten something, looked
around the parking lot, then got out and casually walked around the side of
the department store through some trees to the company grounds. I crawled
under the fence.
At about 11:20 I found myself waiting in the shadows near the dock door. I
stood there shivering for about five minutes, partly from the cool night air
but mostly from nerves. Then I heard Arnie throw the latch and as he rolled
the door up I ran up to it and climbed onto the concrete floor of the dock.
"Hi, Alex", he said. He scanned the dock grounds for unwelcome
onlookers-there were none.
Arnie shut the door and we strolled out of the dock area and down the wide,
main hall as if we were suppose to be there. A guard was making his rounds
far down the hall and waved to us. Everything was fine. We entered the
BioMorph lab and it was obvious Arnie had been busy. All the equipment was
ready, along with ten units of blood in a cooler beside the blood
circulator.
I stood for a moment, then shrugged my shoulders and said, "I guess I might
as well get ready".
Arnie nodded.
I stripped, got into the tub and sat upright. Arnie broke open the IV
needles.
I was still shaking a little and Arnie patted me on the arm and said, "just
relax, it'll be fine".
I laid back. Arnie put in the two IVs-one in each arm to form a circuit for
blood in, blood out-and started the blood circulator.
Then he broke open the abdominal drain and said, "These things actually
aren't too bad. Its slightly more uncomfortable than getting a shot."
I clenched my fists and concentrated on the ceiling. Arnie disinfected my
navel and poked the drain in. Man it hurt. I closed my eyes tight, gritted
my teeth, and thought about my favorite baseball team. It hurt considerably
more than an IV and for a longer time. After it was in, I let out the breath
I'd been holding and tried to relax.
I opened my eyes. "You lied to me", I said with a pant. Arnie just smiled
sheepishly and shrugged. Just like an IV, though, once it was in I no longer
felt it. Arnie pushed the plastic catheter through the needle and into my
abdomen several inches. Then he pulled out the needle from around the
catheter, and connected the external end of the catheter to a plastic tube
that led to a suction pump beside the BioMorph. He patted me on the arm and
said, "Sorry. You OK?".
"Oh, just peachy!", I said.
Arnie waited a couple minutes while I calmed down. Then I said, "I'm ready
when you are".
He said, "Ok", and gave me the breathing tube and I put it in my nose. Arnie
made sure I was positioned properly and asked if I were breathing OK through
the tube. I answered with a stuffy-nosed "yes". He watched me take a few
breaths and then folded down the upper transducer panel over me until it
clicked into place. I could just see out a little through the spaces between
the panels. I heard him walk over to the console and say, "For this step
we're going to do about 5% of the alterations on your bones, lungs, and
bowels, but about 20% of the alterations on your external flesh. It will
take 20 minutes and then we'll see how you are doing".
Exterior alterations were very easy to do and could be done quickly because
they were all soft-flesh alterations and the waste they produced was not
excessive. Bone had to be done more slowly because it took the machine
longer to destroy and weld it, and major reduction of internal organs had to
be done more slowly for two reasons. First, so that the machine could
consider how the body was adapting to the shrinking over multiple sessions
(for example, in some early tests we'd had problems with pleurisy from
inaccurate shrinkage of lung tissue balanced with the size & shape of the
chest cavity), and second, to give the body a chance to absorb the mass of
the killed flesh. In my case this mass would total about 70 pounds over all
three sessions. Much would be removed through the IV and abdominal drain but
the remainder my body would have to remove.
I said, "Ok. I'm ready", and Arnie hit the switch and I shut my eyes.
A valve clicked and the tub filled slowly with fluid. I heard the faint hum
of the transducer power supplies, but felt nothing except the oily fluid,
temperature set at a comfortable 80 degrees Fahrenheit, raising to cover my
body. When I was well submersed I heard through the fluid the muffled click
of the fluid valve shut off. You have to lay there two minutes while the
fluid is sloshed a little to force all the air bubbles to the surface.
Then the transducer supplies clicked to the slightly louder hum indicating
they were driving the transducers with higher power. I took a deep breath
and let it out in a sigh.
After about three minutes I began to sense a very slight queasiness, and I
became a little achy all over, especially in my back. It was rather similar
to suffering from a mild influenza-including sinus pain in my face and
achiness in my jaw. I could hear Arnie-muffled through the fluid-and
periodically he would ask if I were alright. I'd reply with a thumbs-up and
he could see it on the video monitor.
After several minutes I was getting a slight headache and started feeling a
little nauseated, but was nowhere near throwing up. So I let things
continue.
It seemed just a few minutes later that the power suddenly cut-off and I
felt the fluid draining. I thought something was wrong and Arnie had aborted
the procedure. I heard Arnie raise the top panel. When the fluid lowered
past my eyes I felt Arnie wipe my eyes with a cloth and remove the breathing
tube. I opened my eyes and squinted a bit while they got used to the light.
Arnie slightly nodded his head as he said, "Its working". I guess I'd been
in there the whole twenty minutes.
If feeling really sick was an indication that it was working, then he was
right!
"I don't feel so good", I moaned. In fact, every inch of my body ached. Even
when I spoke my throat hurt. Oh, man. Even though the moan was more a croak,
I could tell my voice was more, well, feminine isn't the word. It was a
little like the voice you here from a recording that is played back at an
ever so slightly higher rate. The twenty minutes of morphing had already
partially shrunk and reshaped my trachea, larynx, and upper throat.
"We'll let you recover for fifteen minutes. In the mean time...", he walked
across the room and came back with a hand-held mirror and held it over my
face as I lay in the tub. I looked pretty swollen from the dead tissue not
yet absorbed by my body, but my features were smoother. I couldn't tell for
sure but it seemed my masculine brow was slightly receding, facial hair
follicles had all been quickly killed and filled in, and my long masculine
face was very slightly rounder and shorter. Skin had been adjusted to pull
my hairline down and shape it around my forehead, hormones would do the
rest. Most noticeable, though, was my nose. Since it was just skin and
cartilage, it was already practically that of the girl in the picture. All
of these effects put together made it possible for me to pass, in a pinch,
as a girl already, although I'd be a rather lanky, broad-shouldered girl,
with a deepish voice.
I was anxious to feel the other parts of my body that would be quickly
altered because they were mostly skin and soft flesh, but frankly felt too
sick to really want to move my hand to feel them.
"I've got to urinate", I said. I'd be doing this frequently over the next
week. My body had a lot of extra waste to get rid of. Arnie helped me do it
while lying in the tub. I wasn't sure what I looked like down there, but he
did have to use a sucker when I went-indicating I wasn't able to point the
stream all that well any more.
He also gave me a big drink of water from a squeeze bottle.
After resting for several minutes, I began to feel the effect of the IV
circulating new blood in me and was able to move my hand to my genitals.
Well, my testes had been completely destroyed, the scrotum seemed softer and
smoother, with the beginnings of a depression along the center line and
about a one-inch deep hole at the base, and my middle leg was now just a
narrow stub, moved down near the hole and pointing in an oddball direction.
I hoped the machine knew what it was doing!
I then moved my hand up to my right breast and thought I barely felt a
little extra flesh there, but couldn't be sure because I was puffy all over.
It would take a little more work by the machine to fill them out properly.
Moving fat, muscle, and skin cells is harder than destroying them. I rubbed
my hand over my belly, being careful not to snag the abdominal drain, and
noted it was smooth and hairless. I knew the extra fat I had had there was
now just an oily mass of dead cells; and the muscles, bowels, lungs, and
liver had all shrunk slightly, but I didn't feel these changes much yet
because my abdominal cavity would still contain much dead flesh that the
abdominal drain was unable to remove, and it would take days for this to be
absorbed.
The fifteen minutes passed, during which Arnie had taken my temperature and
blood pressure and checked my blood for various toxins, especially those
from the destruction of liver tissue. I felt much better from the clean
blood I was getting.
Over the next few hours I got a lot sicker and then slightly better six
times. At 5:00 AM the last step ended, and I felt totally rotten. I was
afraid I'd throw up before the step completed, but I held it back. As soon
as the tub emptied, I mumbled to Arnie that I might throw up, and that I
also wanted to sleep.
I rested for about an hour in the tub, all the while new blood was entering
my body. When I awoke I saw that Arnie had already removed the abdominal
drain and was removing the IVs. I wasn't nearly as nauseated, but I was in
pain. I felt as if I'd been playing tackle football all the day before,
hiked up a mountain that evening, fell back down the mountain spraining most
of my tendons and muscles in the process, had caught a bad flu, and was full
of gas from having eaten a giant bowl of beans-all at the same time. I felt
some fluid in my lungs but it was too low down to cough up.
I knew I was now officially upwards of one-half girl on the inside and
three-quarters girl on the outside (albeit a very puffy, bloated semi-girl)
but didn't have the energy to get excited about it. In fact, I couldn't care
less. I just wanted to throw up and get some sleep.
"You OK?", Arnie asked.
I nodded my head and reached my hand to his to get out of the tub. Then it
struck me. My hand was smaller. It was smoother and the visible veins were
all gone. I moved my fingers in front of my face for a full minute examining
my small hand-and to think it would be far smaller still after a week! I
also noticed my arm was much thinner and seemed slightly shorter.
Arnie helped me out of the tub-which took a minute or two-and I stood
straight up beside him. The pain killer from the IV made me shaky and Arnie
had to help me keep my balance. I was quite groggy from it and my whole
memory of this is slightly fuzzy. I looked up at him. He was now about four
inches taller than me. I looked around the room and it seemed as if I were
standing in a four-inch hole in the floor. I bent my head downward as best I
could without causing too much pain in my neck, and saw my feet on the floor
at the same level they should be. But that wasn't the shocker. My eyes saw
the beginnings of small, young, firm breasts, a hairless, rather bloated
waist, and wider hips. My torso was uncannily shorter. My shoulders were
uncannily narrower. I turned slightly and saw the edge of a smooth round
bottom in the back. Looking further down I saw hairless long legs lacking
the muscles I once had there, and noticeably smaller feet.
There was a full length mirror nearby but I chose not to look. I probably
looked pretty horrible even to Arnie-I was a bloated one-half female 'it',
and I wanted to get dressed and out of there so I could recover in my own
bed. After a quick trip to the rest room (at which time I was first
introduced to that distinctive hissing sound I now produce on a regular
basis), I went over to the table where were my clothes and slowly put them
back on while wincing now and then.
"You look OK, Alex, really. You know you haven't said much yet, though", I
knew why he said this. Until then I had only muttered a groan or two through
the whole procedure. I cleared my throat-and even that was definitely the
sound of a girl clearing her throat-and I said, "Hi Arnie".
Of all I'd seen so far this was the biggest shock. I wasn't displeased with
the voice, but to open your mouth and hear an almost completely female voice
come out is most unnerving. Even so, it was not quite the totally female
voice I would have soon. I hesitated to say anything else for a moment as
Arnie looked on, but I thought I might as well get used to it.
"I guess I'd better get out of here!"-whew. This voice would take some
getting used to.
"Ok. Its starting to get light out so let's hurry".
I sensed nervous embarrassment, as well as excitement, in Arnie and I'm sure
he sensed it in me. We didn't talk much.
We walked down the hall without meeting anyone, fortunately, although the
company was big enough that if we had met a guard he'd probably just assume
we were employees. In the dock room Arnie opened the garage door and said,
"See you in fifteen minutes". I was to wait in my car for Arnie and he would
drive me home. I climbed off the platform, waved, and moved as quickly as I
could, which wasn't very quickly, along the dock wall to the trees beyond.
I made my way through a small wood to the fence and slowly crawled under it.
Then I just had to relieve myself, so I did. Guys, being able to direct your
urine is a most convenient skill when a rest-room is unavailable, you don't
fully appreciate it until you miss it. It was here that I realized I should
probably take a look between my legs, I hadn't thought of it in the lab. I
looked, and noticed the work seemed almost complete on the outside. I
resisted the temptation to feel the depth of my vagina, though. I guess I
was afraid of noticing something there that hadn't been completely altered
yet, and I didn't feel like being unpleasantly surprised. I pulled up my
pants and casually walked into the department store parking lot and got in
my car. I plopped down on the passenger seat and relaxed for a few minutes.
I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember was Arnie
opening the driver-side door and patting me on the leg, "How's it going?",
he said.
"Ok... jus' very tired..". The pain killer was still doing its stuff and I
pretty much was out of it all the way home.
I vaguely remember going to the bathroom as soon as I got home. Then I drank
some water and went over to my bed and crawled in. Arnie stayed in the
living room and checked on me from time to time. My sleep was interrupted
every hour, or so, to get up to urinate and get a big swig of water. I
wasn't hungry at all-apparently because my blood was loaded with nutrients
that had once been my flesh. I coughed up some of the fluid in my lungs
during these trips to the bathroom. In a nutshell, I wasn't feeling all that
well.
I woke up that evening feeling better, but not really well enough to move
around much. Arnie brought me some dinner while I stayed under the covers.
This was a most embarrassing time in my life because I knew this one-half
girl thing must have looked quite unattractive to him. Yet through it all he
was totally considerate and supportive. Even so, I refused to let him get a
good look at me.
Arnie was going to take part of each day off to take care of me. I spent the
whole time in my bedroom and when Arnie entered was sure to be under covers.
The following Wednesday I was feeling pretty good, and that evening I found
myself again standing in the shadows by the dock.
I was very anxious to get this session over because being a neuter is not
fun. I had certainly no desire to go out in public and I hardly let Arnie
see me at all. I was anxious to look like a girl, and after this session I
would-the last session being mainly to make the final adjustments that
weren't all that visible, anyway.
When I entered the lab, everything was as it had been before, but I noticed
on Arnie's lab desk a pair of jeans, a woman's knit short sleeve shirt, bra,
panties, socks, and tennis shoes. There was also a blonde wig. The BioMorph
couldn't do a thing about hair color and length. It could destroy hair
follicles and move skin containing hair follicles, though. The hormones and
hair stylists would have to do the rest.
I quickly stripped and got in the tub. Arnie put in the IV's as before, and
the abdominal drain was just as uncomfortable, but at least I knew what to
expect this time. Soon my body's cells were being precisely and
calculatingly obliterated, moved, stretched, and reconnected. Each step I
got sicker as before, and in between the last two steps I couldn't care less
what was happening-I again wanted to throw up and get some sleep.
After the last step Arnie let me rest an hour while the IV pumped new blood
in me. He had to wake me up when it was time to get up.
"Hey...", he said as he slightly jostled my arm.
My eyes gradually squinted open and he was standing over me. "Hi...", I
croaked. Even though it was a croak, the voice I heard was pure female, and
was the one I now have. I cleared my throat and spoke again. "How did it
come out?", I said.
"It came out just fine... Kate", said Arnie.
He helped me out of the tub. I caught a glimpse of my hand. It was the
dainty hand of a girl. Seeing it made me excited in spite of the
pain-killer. I stood up knowing what to expect but was still surprised. The
hole in which I stood was now a full eight inches deep.
Arnie stood very near and in front of me and I had to crane my neck to look
up at him. Arnie looked at my face, shook his head and simply said, "Wow".
I looked around the room. It wasn't bigger, but I felt a need to step out of
that hole! I walked a few paces and found that the hole in which I stood was
actually a trench, and I was still in it! Such a strange feeling. Arnie was
holding me up with his arm around my waist. I felt a funny feeling about his
arm being there. He looked intently at me as if I were the only thing worth
looking at in the world.
I looked down at my body and saw for the first time the body I now have. I
was better prepared for a shorter torso and larger breasts, so that wasn't
too surprising. This session had also given me nipples. I think the real
shocker this time was to turn my head looking for my shoulder and not seeing
it! I had to now strain my eyes downward where I found it not more than a
couple inches beyond my chin, and rather than the more massive male shoulder
I once had, this was thin and small-boned, with pretty much no visible
muscle about it and a thin, hairless, feminine, arm extending from it where
there had once been a muscular, thick, man's arm. I still wasn't going to
look in the mirror, though. I wanted to save that for when I was no longer
excessively bloated.
I stepped over to the clothing he had supplied and said, "well, here goes".
The panties were certainly more comfortable than the male counterpart I'd
worn all my life, but I was not so happy with the bra. They're tight, and
bite into you after hours of wear. I never quite got used to them and now
usually wear nothing, tight cotton tops, or sport bras. I considered not
bothering with the blonde wig-there's nothing wrong with a short-haired girl
walking around, but then I thought maybe Arnie was anxious to see me in it.
The wig was hot and uncomfortable. Fortunately I wouldn't have to wear it
more than a month or so.
After I dressed Arnie stood in front of me and looked me over from head to
toe. "You are absolutely gorgeous!", he said. I knew he was being kind. I
really wouldn't describe my bloated belly as 'absolutely gorgeous'.
We again walked down the hall without incident and Arnie helped me off the
dock landing.
Then Arnie jumped down, too, and said, "Kate".
I turned to look at him and he held out a little box and opened it before
me. Inside was a pair of earrings. They were very simple little five point
stars. I said, "I'll have to get my ears pierced".
He said, "Come closer".
I stood in front of him and he removed the earrings from the box and reached
up to my right ear. 'What on earth is he doing?', I thought.
Then I felt something apparently being connected to my ear and realized what
had happened. He had programmed the BioMorph to pierce my ears!
"Uh!", I exclaimed.
Arnie smiled and put in the other ring, then stepped back and held his hands
gently on the sides of my neck to examine me. "Ravishingly beautiful only
partly describes you", he said.
"Thank you, Arnie". Wow, I thought. This guy is romantic! No wonder he
always had girls to spare!
I turned and hobbled toward the trees.
Arnie soon met me in the parking lot and drove me home, where I again went
to the bathroom once, got a drink, plopped down in bed, and fell immediately
to sleep. I was awakened in an hour by wet bed sheets. I didn't tell Arnie I
had wet the bed until weeks later-he found it quite funny, of course. I
pulled off the wet sheets and stuck them in the bathroom hamper, and then
got another sheet from the closet and threw it on the bed. I quickly jumped
back in and pulled up the covers, collapsing back on my pillow.
At about seven that evening I slowly woke up and, without opening my eyes,
recalled my condition. I rubbed my hands over my bottom, over my short
waste, and across my breasts, lightly feeling my new, and definitely female,
nipples. An hourglass figure if ever there was one! Or at least it would be
when I got rid of the last of this bloating.
I got out of bed and stuck my head out the door and saw Arnie on the sofa
reading. We said Hi and talked for a minute-the whole time with me still
peeking out the door. He invited me out but I wanted to wait until I was
thinner. He said he didn't care, but I said I did. Besides, I was still weak
and tired. I went to the bathroom and got back in bed. He brought me some
dinner on a tray that evening and I was soon ready for more sleep.
Arnie had to work the next day. I woke up in the morning about 9:30. After
some good stretching, I realized I felt considerably better. I reached for
the phone and called Arnie. We chatted a while. It was a good way for both
of us to get used to my new voice, I think.
I had slept naked, and I got up and went to the bathroom to see what I could
see. I stood before the half-length mirror above the sink and didn't move
for what must have been two minutes, just soaking in the vision I saw. My
waist was now fairly thin, and my shoulders and chest were 100% female. I
placed small hands under firm breasts and lifted them and moved them around
a bit. I dropped thin arms and wiggled my chest and watched my breasts
bounce. They were perfect. I raised my arms, turned around for a side view,
and then looked over my shoulder for a back view. Wow, I thought, there's
still a bit of male libido in me-the view was most inspiring. I had a
belly-dancer's figure.
Today was the day. Today I would let Arnie and the world see me-with clothes
on, of course!
I took a shower, brushed my hair in an attempt to make the short mass look
as feminine as possible, and put on the jeans and shirt Arnie had supplied
me the day before. I took one more look in the mirror and decided my own
hair just wouldn't hack it yet. It was way too short. I grabbed the wig and
fitted it on.
Looking in the mirror again, I saw that I was more than just a knock out. I
was becoming very, very, pleased with Arnie's taste. With this body and
face, I felt any red-blooded guy could fall in love with me given half a
chance. Maybe that would come in handy some day! I vowed not to hurt any guy
for my own selfish purpose, though. I knew what it felt like to be hurt that
way.
I slipped on the tennis shoes and stepped out the front door, took a quick
look around the neighborhood but didn't see anyone. I stepped over to my car
and got in. My destination was the mall. I drove as carefully as possible
because I had no driver's license!
The first person (besides Arnie) to see me as a girl was an older heavy-set
fellow out mowing his lawn. I drove by and noticed him glance my way. He
looked back to his mowing and then glanced up one more time as I drove past.
The mall was not too busy. I pulled into the parking lot and found a spot,
turned the motor off and said out loud "here goes".
I got out of the car and began walking toward the entrance. Then I realized
it. I didn't have a purse! I had Arnie's credit card in my jeans pocket, and
that's all I had to carry. What a social faux pas to be without a purse and
all its contents! The purse, and things to put in it, would be my first
purchase.
Entering the main mall doors, I walked down the huge hall toward the
Parisian store.
Understandably, I was anxious to see what looks I'd get from the guys-any
guys! Even a look from an old guy with a pot belly would be better than
nothing. It didn't take long for me to get a bite. I stopped by a shoe shop
and was checking out the display window, and also glancing at my own
reflection in the window.
I could also see the reflection of people walking behind me past the store.
I stood there a minute waiting for it to happen. I was finally pleasantly
rewarded. A tall thin guy walking with a heavy-set woman, possibly his wife,
walked past and suddenly stopped talking to his wife, slowed down, and
glanced at my rear end, obviously trying to get a view without his wife
noticing. There was a pause in their conversation and after they had passed
I heard the women say "hey...", as if she knew exactly what he was up to.
Hmmm, I thought, this could be fun.
I walked down the hall and into the clothing store.
As I entered the women's section I walked past a narrow, full-length mirror
on one of the clothing racks. I stopped, stood back to get a full picture,
and stared. I realized I hadn't really seen a full image of myself in
clothes yet. I moved my arms and turned to each side. I felt as if I were
looking into some kind of computer simulation which was depicting a cute,
short, blonde that moved according to my own movements. Yet this simulation
was amazingly precise. I walked up to the mirror and examined my face. It
was the face from Arnie's picture. I had to resist the temptation to stand
there examining my features in the mirror, moving my mouth around, making
shapes with my lips, moving my eyebrows up and down, squinting-I'd be hauled
to the nearest loony bin.
Maybe the BioMorph had turned me into an irresponsible buyer, but I spent an
hour and a half selecting everything I saw that I felt was becoming for a
young lady as myself. What a blast! I never new shopping could be so
fun!-especially when you have someone else's credit card.
While I shopped I walked near a few other shoppers and gradually began to
warm-up to the idea of what I was now. In the eyes of everyone around me I
looked perfectly normal. I casually said 'hi' to people as I walked past,
still enjoying the cute voice I heard when I did so.
As I browsed through the clothing I was constantly reminded of my short
stature. Everything was higher up. I had to reach up to get this, I had to
look up to say hello to a tall fellow customer. Its strange how one's
stature, looks, and sex can change one's opinion of one's self. I felt,
well, certainly not inferior, just more in need of attention, if that makes
any sense. I felt I was now the "weaker" sex in that I required pampering
and protection by the opposite sex-that is, by males. That was a strange
thought-males are the opposite sex!
That morning I stocked up on clothing: a purse, five pairs of shoes, six
dresses, four tops, three skirts, casual wear, underclothes, pajamas, a few
pairs of earrings, a solid, broad, metal bracelet with Aztec-looking designs
on it. The bracelet was not completely closed. You didn't slip it over your
hand, but squeezed your wrist sideways through a gap in the bracelet to put
it on. I even bought some pink lipstick. I put over $600 on Arnie's credit
card. By the time I arrived at my home it was 1:30 in the afternoon. I
dumped all the stuff I had bought on the couch, grabbed a bite to eat, took
from the pile of clothes a huge pajama T-shirt that had 'Fort Lauderdale'
written across it with some dolphins jumping out of the water-real sexy. I
went to the bathroom and then got back in bed. I was exhausted and probably
had overdone it.
When I awoke it was 7:30 in the evening. I decided to get up and see if
Arnie was home from work. I stretched for a minute and then crawled out of
bed, noticing that my waist was now no longer distended, and that it was a
thin waist that quickly flared to a nice large bottom that I could shake
like a belly dancer. I practiced doing it for a minute-never know when
you'll need such a skill. I went to the bedroom door and peeked out. Arnie
wasn't there, but there was my pile of clothes. I walked to the pile and
selected something a little more becoming than the jeans and shirt I had
worn before. It was a short brown knit dress made of heavy stretchable
cloth. I grabbed some panties. There would be no bra today, for two reasons.
One, I didn't like them because they were uncomfortable and a pain to put
on, and two, I wanted certain of my features to be visible to Arnie when I
saw him next. Hobbling back to the bedroom, I put on the dress. Then I
opened the bedroom door and called for Arnie. There was no response.
I searched the house but didn't find him. Now I was disappointed. I grabbed
a pair of white platform sandals I'd bought, tried them on, pulled off the
tag, and experimented with walking. Not too hard-it would take a little
getting used to. At least I was an inch taller! Anyway they were cute-that's
what I was after.
I started out the front door and noticed Arnie's car was in the driveway. He
was here-probably in the backyard! I rushed, as fast as I could with stiff
joints and platform shoes, to the back door and saw him lounging lazily in a
lawn chair with a newspaper over his face. Quietly I stepped out to the yard
and, when I had positioned myself in front of him, softly said "Arnie". He
stirred and lifted the paper from his head.
When he saw me his expression turned from squinty-eyed 'why did you wake me
up' to flabbergastedness. All he could bring to his lips was a subdued
"Wow!". He couldn't have given me a better compliment! I smiled and moved
toward him.
"Do you like it?", I asked.
He slowly nodded his head, swallowed, and said, "Uh, huh".
Arnie brought me out to eat that night AND I brought my purse, pink lipstick
and all. In fact, all I had in my purse was the lipstick and Arnie's credit
card. I told Arnie about the $600 buying binge and he snapped his fingers in
the air and said, "A mere pittance, for you, my dear"-which made me laugh.
Arnie wouldn't take his eyes off me. We danced a little. I tried one fast
song but was too sore to do a good job. I was also afraid my movements would
appear masculine. When I brought it up to Arnie later he assured me I most
certainly did NOT look masculine-dancing or otherwise. We didn't stay out
too late because Arnie kept worrying that I'd over-do it. When he brought me
home we came in and he flipped a lamp on and looked over at me while I
kicked my shoes off. My feet hurt and I began to see some of the pain a girl
must go through to be attractive!
He kissed me goodnight on the cheek and made sure the phone was beside my
bed before he left.
I had my last BioMorph session the next Sunday. It had virtually no effect
on my appearance and was much easier on me than the first two. The best part
was that I didn't need the abdominal drain or IVs.
Over the next few weeks I began the legal arrangements necessary. It was
decided that I would be a new person and not just change my name and sex
through the legal channels. I got a new social security number, which is
quite a task when you're an adult. My scholastic degrees were lost, of
course, unless I chose to list them on my resume without intending to prove
them, but I didn't mind too much.
I won't go in to all the mushy details, but Arnie and I became quite an item
over the next few weeks. I was re-introduced to some of our mutual friends
and they all seemed to feel, and many expressed, that Arnie was 'moving up
in the world' as one friend put it after seeing me for the first time.
Other than a few pulled muscles, and some minor, temporary gastric
disturbances, everything seemed to be healing just fine. After a month I was
able to discard the wig and dye my hair blonde. It was still a bit short.
Lee and Karen, a couple we had known for some time before my change, invited
themselves over to Arnie's for dinner and cards. We all chatted as old
friends, although I had to be careful not to mention anything that Alex
would have known but not Kate. In fact, the subject of Alex came up once in
passing. I didn't say anything, although I was tempted to say 'wow, he
sounds like a wonderful guy' as an inside joke to Arnie.
After dinner Karen and I cleaned up while the men went into the living room
to talk 'man' talk, whatever that is. I was beginning to enjoy women talk
more and more. I'm sure it was the fact that my mind was adapting to my role
fully and accurately. Karen and I chatted for a while in the kitchen and
eventually the subject got around to Lee.
"Did you know Lee and I have been dating for two years?"
"Yes, Arnie told me", I often used the 'Arnie told me' phrase these days.
"I wish I could know what his plans are. I think if he asked me to marry him
I'd say yes. I've talked to him about it and he always seems to change the
subject. I guess I don't want to admit to myself that its possible he isn't
serious about us."
I knew she was asking for advice, so I thought I'd just jump in and give it
a try. I felt I knew a bit about male psychology.
I said, "You know, I've always thought there really is something to the idea
of 'playing hard to get'. When a guy sees his girl drifting away, I think he
subconsciously wonders if its because she expects a better man than he". I
was on a roll and it was fun. I wasn't shooting the bull, either. I really
felt I knew what I was talking about and my heart kind-of went out to Karen.
Somehow, I knew how she felt. "Its kind of a way of telling him 'I'm better
than you deserve' ". We both giggled at that thought and she looked
thoughtful.
"Well, I don't want to loose him. I'm afraid if I start drifting away from
him he'll just drift away from me."
"I can't guarantee this plan won't backfire", I said, "but if it's the way
you say, its possible he might even feel you are pushing the
relationship-which could cause more damage than anything". I hoped Karen
wouldn't take this the wrong way. I actually did feel she was a little too
clingy to Lee because I'd seen her, on more than one occasion, stick by his
side when he'd had an expression of 'give me some space, please'. So I felt
this was good advice.
We finished with the dishes and went into the living room. The guys had set
up the card table by the sofa and were talking about computers. I went over
and sat, cross-legged, against Arnie on the sofa.
Karen sat in the fold-out chair next to Lee, patted him on the back and
said, "Have you guys decided about this weekend?"
I had no idea what she was talking about, but Lee picked up the cards and
began to shuffle them and said, "Not yet".
I looked at Arnie and he turned to me and said, "They've invited us to
Atlantic City for the weekend, wanna go?"
This may seem strange to you but Arnie and I, although we had been seeing
much of each other lately, had not 'consummated' our relationship. I think
Arnie didn't want to rush me, considering it would be a rather new
experience for me! I hadn't mentioned my desires to him because I felt that
was the guy's prerogative, and I guess I kind-of liked the idea that Arnie
might just make his move without me encouraging him. Anyway, I guess we both
knew that we would be expected to share a hotel room on this trip.
We settled it that night. We'd all go to Atlantic City for the weekend. I
was feeling pretty excited about it. I sensed Arnie was excited, but
apprehensive about my feelings. I realized I'd need to let him know I was
here for him.
I had the chance on our drive to Atlantic City. We had stopped at a rest
stop and were stretching our legs. We'd strolled a short distance from the
car and Karen and Lee were sitting at a picnic table some distance away.
Arnie brought up the subject first. "How do you feel about this Kate? If you
like, we can get two rooms and I'm sure Karen and Lee won't think anything
of it."
"Oh, that's not necessary". I looked up at him and said, "Arnie, I wish to
please you any way I can".
He'd have to be pretty dumb not to get that h