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Benji - by Samantha Michelle I, Benjamin Irving Tolvar the Second, was one pissed-off sophomore. Not only had the school mangled my class selections, they had stuck me, officially, with a nickname I detested. To my friends I went by Benny, and in class I preferred Benjamin. But they had taken my initials to make a nickname, and on all my official paperwork my nickname was listed as Bittii. Which I knew from experience would quickly become Bitsy, then Itsy-Bitsy. It was my parents' fault I was so little. Dad was always bragging that he had to beat off all the big guys to get dates with Mom. She said he was the only guy at college she didn't have to look up at to kiss. So they married and my sister and I were the results. Brenda Ann is barely a year older, and so damn cute it makes me sick. She reminds me of one of those kewpie dolls they have at the museum. With the same straw stuffing in her head. And she is bigger and taller than me, even if it is only fifteen pounds and two inches. Being in the same grade with her makes it worse. No one thought about the social problems of having a fifteen-year-old sophomore attend high school in the same grade as his sister, figuring I would simply wow everyone with my brilliance. Hard to do when I'm always being stuffed headfirst into a trash can, or tossed in the girls' washrooms, or crammed in a locker by some brain-dead upper classmen. And even, I remembered with frustration, a couple of ditzy upper classwomen. So here I was in line waiting for a guidance counselor to work his or her way through a line of students with similar scheduling problems, and wondering which nitwit teachers I was going to get stuck with this year. "Hey Bitsy, the line for freshmen starts over there." I looked for the voice, and saw Tommy Ambler and two of his skater girlfriends waiting in another line. "Special Education registration is on the second floor. And you are not supposed to bring your pets to school, Sanya," I replied to him. The better looking of the pair, did resemble a poodle. With green highlights! "Hey, like did that funny little kid say I look like a dog?" I added her mental capacity to the canine similarity. Before I could respond, one of the teachers came by and told everyone to keep the noise down, and knock of the insults. They sputtered, and I went back to counting the dandruff flakes on the back of student in front of me. "Bitty Tolvar," One of the teacher aids helping with registration announced my now-official nickname, and in disgust I headed for the office to a chorus of catcalls and snickers. I guess they'd had another change of personnel, because I didn't recognize the ridiculously tall adult who was waiting for me with an amused expression on his face. "I'm Garwood Harrison, one of the new teachers this year." He held out a hand as big as my head. "Do you really prefer to be called Bitty?" I shook my head and he smiled. "Didn't think you did. So come into my office, and tell me what else the registrar has done that needs my attention." He seemed much more together than most of the adults at the school, and I wondered if I had found a spark of intelligence in the depths of this educational swamp. "Well, if they have to list a nickname, I prefer Benny, or Benjamin." He smiled and sat at his computer. A couple of mutters about antique equipment later, he announced the changes were official. "You have quite an academic record for someone so young." He paused and looked at the screen. "And what is wrong with your schedule is obvious. Someone checked your age and gave you a freshman schedule." I nodded. "So did you submit a list of desired classes last June, and do you have a copy?" "I was out of school the last week, 'cause my parents took my sister and me to visit Grandpa before he died." Grandpa Tolvar was a neat old man, and I really liked him. But he said he was ready to go, and had lived a good life, and asked me not to be unhappy. It was hard, but I guess he was right. And he left me a really good present. When I turned old enough to drive, all the old cars and trucks in his barn, some of which I had helped him restore during our summer visits to their farm, were to be mine. "Well, tell me what you want, and I will see if the school can outfit you with a schedule." I gave him my list, and he shook his head. "Nice try, but there are reasons some pre-requisites exist. Like trig before calculus." Drat, he was familiar with the class list. "And you must have a homeroom. No first period study halls." He stared at his screen. "Let me see what I can find that isn't either full or too simple for you." Five minutes later he seemed upset. "I could do this faster with a clay tablet and scribe." I snickered. I should have prayed to the CPU gods for deliverance. When he finally handed me the printout of what he said was the best available schedule, I whimpered. Trigonometry, chemistry and honors English were fine. Illinois history was awful, but I knew it was required of all sophomores. But the other classes were ridiculous. Artistic expression? And modern dance? And that final class was scheduled for both first and seventh periods. "Like I hate art, and dance is for sissies!" He chuckled. "Artistic expression meets one of your two years of fine arts requirements. Dance also covers the physical education requirement, and doubles as a fine arts class, so don't complain. There are lots of notes here that you had all sorts of problems in gym last year, probably because of your size. And I just happen to be the new head of the school's music department, and I am teaching that class, the morning theory session of which will also be your homeroom." After I quit trying to pull my head out of a dark and private place, and wondering if steak sauce would clear the taste of toenails, I quietly accepted the schedule, and he gave me an official copy, along with my book and supplies list. "See you tomorrow morning in the dance studio. Be ready for a real workout in the afternoon." I headed to the library to hide, and found it was closed. Which left the cafeteria or the gym. Seeing the collection of monkeys on their way to the gym, I diverted to the cafeteria, where I was grabbed by Brenda and several of her girlfriends. "Hey Benny, did you get your new schedule?" At least she remembered that Dad had threatened her with a month's grounding if she called me Bitty again. I nodded. "Guess they had a lot of problems this year." She handed me a copy of the schedule printout she had received when we arrived at school. My problems were apparently not that unusual. She had been scheduled for calculus and football. Having boys tackle her would probably be fine. Hiding her hairdo in a helmet would not. I doubted if she could spell calculus. Her new schedule, which had her taking geometry and swimming, made more sense. "What about yours?" She looked mine over, and muttered something about boy geniuses, then started to giggle. "You, taking dance?" She stared at me. "The certified wallflower himself? This is going to be priceless." I started to whistle "Barbie Girl" by Aqua, and her friends broke up. Like me, Brenda is a natural platinum blonde, and her resemblance to that particular plastic toy is way too close. "Okay, knock it off little brother, or you will wake up some morning looking like my twin." I glared at her. "Besides, I understand that the new teacher is a real hunk, and every boy-crazy girl in school is trying to get into his classes. Me, I've got plenty of boyfriends." One of her friends commented loudly that they were overdue on their rent, and I took the resulting verbal altercation as an opportunity to escape. I made it safely to the hall, and saw Nick Gundersen, my best friend, chatting with a big kid I had never seen before. So I managed not to get stepped on, and went to join them. Nick smiled when he saw me, and did the introductions. "Julienne Montrose, meet Benjamin Tolvar, who usually goes by Benny. Benny, meet Julie, my new next-door neighbor, who is also a sophomore this year." We eyed each other carefully. With her short hair and size she looked a lot more like a guy than a girl, and seemed really upset at my appearance. "Hi, I think," Her voice was lower than Nick's. "Nick says you are the one I need to call if I need help in math or science." "Nick is joking. He got A's in algebra and biology last year too," I paused, and pulled out my schedule. "Speaking of which, Nick, what classes are you in this year?" We compared schedules, and found Nick and I shared math and chemistry. Julie pulled out her schedule, and she was in the same math class, Nick's history class, and my English class. "Hey Nick, why aren't you in Honor's English?" "I wanted to take Latin, and they are at the same time. Besides, I barely managed a B in Ms. Lotermier's class last semester, and I don't want to fry what brain cells made it through the summer trying to survive her again." Julie and I laughed. So we chatted, and it seemed she was a pretty smart kid, if a bit funny looking. At the bell we all headed for the bus, and I almost made it to the door when I was intercepted by my worst nightmare. Billy "bonehead" Baxter and his gang of juvenile delinquents. Billy was also a sophomore, for the second or third time. Rumor had it he would be eligible to vote before he graduated. "If it isn't the school pansy, Itsy Bitsy." I tried to ignore him, but he blocked my path. "Well Einstein, let's see how that superior intelligence of yours does at keeping you out of the trash." Last year I had been stuck in the same social studies class as him, and the teacher kept using me and my papers as good examples, and him and his papers as horror stories. "Well, dipshit, any last words?" I tried to dash past him, and as he reached for me I saw a foot come past me, and catch him straight in the stomach. "Pick on someone else, big mouth." The foot belonged to Julie, who was smiling as Billy tried to decide between barfing and breathing. She turned to me. "Let's get to our bus, since he seems to be contemplating decorating his shoes." Billy's cohorts were trying to help him, and didn't interfere. As we made it out the door, she giggled. "I've been wanting to let off some steam all day. So what did you do to get on his worse side?" I gave her a rundown of last year, and she just shook her head. "When are people going to learn that what's important is who you are inside, not what you look like." That gave me a good feeling. But what she did was not an average reaction. "Where did you learn to kick like that?" I was sort of giving her space, even though she had just saved me from the trash. "Mom got tired of me coming home looking like I fell in a blender, and said I needed to learn the proper methods of self defense. So she enrolled me in this dojo run by an old friend of hers, and told them I was a free target if I didn't learn, and fast. Mojo took her literally. No one there made fun of how I looked, so I stuck it out and got really good at what Mojo calls street kung-fu. It's kind of good and bad, cause the other kids quit beating up on me, but then all the guys got afraid of me and so I've been really lonely." "At least you can fight back. The last time I tried to protect myself I wound up spraining my wrist, and didn't even hurt the guy who was stuffing me in a locker." Nick snickered. He was a really fast runner, and was quite capable of fighting when he couldn't get away. We got on the bus, and I wound up between Nick and Julie. Brenda, as usual, avoided me like the plague. "Hey Nick, decide to bring your little sister to school today?" We looked around, but couldn't identify the speaker. "Do you have to put up with this all the time?" Julie was staring at me. "No, usually it's worse. But most of them will get tired of bugging me after a few weeks of homework." I sort of shrank into my seat. "I guess I had better get used to it again. At least over the summer I was pretty much left alone." Julie commiserated with me, and we changed subjects to what we should bring to school tomorrow. I said goodbye to Nick and Julie at their stop, and stayed quietly seated until we reached the end of the route, which was only a block from my house. I hoped there was no one waiting to ambush me. Brenda had gotten off earlier with one of her many friends. But the walk was uneventful, and soon I was watching cartoons and letting reality dissipate. Mom and Dad got home just after Brenda, and over dinner they went through our schedules. When Mom looked at our supplies lists, she said we were going shopping after dinner. Dad, showing great wisdom, opted out. Shopping with mom is a real pain. We wound up at Valu-Mart, which was fine for paper and pens and things like that. But when Mom headed to a small specialty clothing store, we were both surprised. "Hey, like we bought school clothes last month?" "Benjamin needs some things for his dance class." She held up my supplies list, and showed me the handwriting on the back. "So let's get shopping." She found a sales lady who looked at the list, and me, and back at the list, and said she needed to get my measurements. Brenda snuck a look at the list, and started to laugh. So I grabbed the list and started reading. "Required clothes and supplies for Modern Dance" I had an awful feeling I was about to wind up in a tutu. So I read on: Girls - Leotards and matching tights. No Unitards. Must be changed daily to maintain hygiene requirements. Boys - Dance tops and matching tights. No Unitards. Must be changed daily to maintain hygiene requirements Girls - Dancer's thongs or dancer's panties, and full coverage dance bras. Boys - Dancer's gaffs. Leather dance shoes, NO ballet slippers. Sweat bands. All students with long hair - elastic bands to hold hair out of eyes. Scrunchies recommended. School approved padlock. The handwritten comment made sense. "Students will be issued a locker and will have the opportunity to shower and change after the seventh- period class. Students should bring their own soap and fresh towels daily." "Mom, what is a dancer's gaff?" She giggled. "A cross between a panty-girdle and thong for a boy. It holds your private parts tightly out of the way so they don't look funny when you are dancing, and keeps them sort of out of harm's way." Brenda giggled, and visions of a massive wedgie flashed through my head. "Benny is gonna look so cute in a tights and a leotard. Can we get him pastel pink?" "Only if you want to go to school all year wearing a plaid jumper and saddle-shoes with argyle socks." "Eyew. Gross. No way." The sales lady returned with her tape measure and a clipboard, and I got to stand on a little platform while she took a bunch of measurements, including a couple that were embarrassing, and made Brenda giggle. She went off to find me the correct sizes, and when she returned I got a detailed lecture on how to put on and adjust the gaff, which looked like something designed to be as uncomfortable as possible. It took me five minutes to get the damn thing on and positioned. For once I was glad I was little down there. And when I checked the mirror I looked really weird, cause there was nothing but a flat surface where things usually bulged. Plus it felt goofy. I was really surprised at how good the tights felt. It was like they hugged my legs. The leotard was the same really smooth, elastic material. But something didn't look right when I quickly checked the small mirror in the changing booth. "Get out here!" Mom was obviously getting tired of waiting. When I came out carrying my regular clothes, Brenda made all sorts of funny faces trying not to say something, and Mom seemed to be surprised. I sat down, added the shoes, which actually were super- comfortable, and then went to really check myself out in one of the big three-way mirrors. "No way, not a chance, I will be teased and.." "And you look fine like that. It is absolutely amazing how much you look like your sister. Which is NOT an insult." "He has a dancer's body, lean, strong legs, and no bulging muscles. And he is so small he will be perfect for many hard-to-fill parts." The sales-person was not helping. Mom ended all further conversation by buying me three sets, a bunch of colorful sweatbands, and even hairbands like my sister usually wore. The total was an awful lot of money, and Mom warned me that I had better make good use of my purchases. I tried to head back to the dressing room to change, but Mom grabbed me and said we were running late, and I should get used to what I was wearing. But she did have me put my sneakers back on before we left. I wanted to shrink into a little cocoon and hide. But we made it to the car without any disasters, and headed home. Brenda was in the back seat, and kept reciting, very quietly, "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Little Miss Muffet". I vowed silently to get even. Dad was already in bed when we got home, and Mom made me put a set of the dance things in my backpack along with the rest of my school stuff. The next morning Mom fed us breakfast, and chased us out in time to catch the bus. Nick and Julie got on together, and we commiserated about having to waste the day's nice weather in school. I made sure to check my schedule before we got off, and managed to get to Mr. Harrison's classroom without incident. There were eight other boys and thirteen girls in the class, and we spent the entire period on homeroom things and school rules. "Remember, the class this afternoon meets in the dance studio next to the auditorium. The dressing rooms are clearly marked, and you will each find your name on a locker. Change quickly, and head out into the studio." The bell rang, and I dashed for my next class. Mom had packed my lunch, so I didn't have to worry about food poisoning. Nick, who has the insides of a Billy goat, was scarfing down the school's offerings like they were actually nutritious. Julie, like me, brought a lunch, so we sat and talked with several other kids Nick and I knew. By the last period of the day I was ready to go home for a long nap. Artistic expression was going to be a very strange class, and maybe even fun. I hadn't considered comics to be art. Live and learn. I was not the only one having trouble getting dressed for dance. One older kid got something caught in his gaff, and wound up on the floor moaning for a couple of moments. Two of the other boys apparently had experience, because they were dressed and out in less than two minutes. And to my dismay none of the other boys were anywhere near as small as me. Heck, none of the girls, even the freshmen, were as small as me. We all collected on the benches along one wall, and I almost cried when Mr. Harrison came out, dressed the same way as the rest of us. All the girls made ooh and aah sounds. Gaff or no gaff, he was big, and looked like he was ready to enter a body-building contest. Or model for Greek statues. I barely qualified as an assistant cherub. We each had to stand up and introduce ourselves, and say why we were in the class, and what experience we had in the field of dance. The two quick dressers were experienced dancers, and all but one of the other boys really wanted to learn dance. A kid who said his name was Fergus said he was taking the class because his mom said he had to, and I announced it was what was available that met my schedule requirements. All of the girls wanted to learn dance, some to be better, some to start. Most were pretty good looking, but a couple were round enough that I had visions of dancing marshmallows. It was obvious that leotards and tights were not designed to be flattering to the less than ideal figure. And I realized that, despite my size, I was actually better looking, and in better shape, than most of the other boys in the class. And, I added belatedly, many of the girls. After the introductions, Mr. Harrison told us the first two weeks would be mostly physical conditioning. Which, he put it clearly, was the key to fluidity of motion, and being able to handle the intensity of modern dance. "Aerobic dance is simply an acknowledgment, and watering down, of a good modern dancer's workout." Thirty minutes and one very short break for water later, I decided he hated children and was planning on watching us collapse and die under the guise of physical fitness. I was one of about twelve still standing, or at least staggering. And he hardly looked winded. Only one person made it to the showers, and he was one of the experienced ones. The rest of us barely managed to get our stuff from the locker room and wobble our sweaty selves off to the buses in time. I don't know if it was how weird I looked in the tights, or the flies avoiding me, but I made it to the bus unhindered, and wound up next to an open window with Nick and Julie. Nick was holding his nose, and Julie commented that unless he wanted to find another girlfriend, he had better not complain when she came back from her martial arts classes smelling like an old gym sock. I tried to laugh, and found some more sore muscles. They bantered ideas about better ways to get hot and sweaty, and I got jealous. It was obvious that Nick and Julie were planning on becoming very close friends, and soon. This turned out to be my routine for the next two weeks, with an overabundance of homework thrown in for seasoning. The artistic expression class was great, and one of my cartoons even got published in the school newspaper. The next part of the art class was supposed to be paper-mache, which sounded like a lot of fun. My core classes were easy, as usual, which made me less than popular with those who had to slave to survive. Dance turned out to be fun, and I discovered that the exercise did my attitude a lot of good. Plus, in dance no one made fun of my size. Instead, I got a lot of complements on how fit I was, and surprisingly, from some of the girls on how good I looked in the tights. So I found it easy to ignore the comments from the usual idiots in the hall about being a wimp. Especially when I knew I was in a lot better shape than any of them. So I turned sixteen in Mid- September without the expected feeling of doom that had permeated my last birthday. By late September Mom had to take me shopping again, this time for replacement dance stuff, which I was wearing out, and for regular clothes, because all the muscle I was gaining made my pants way too tight. I had gained almost half an inch in height, and ten whole pounds, all of which seemed to be in my butt, thighs and legs. We couldn't find any pants that would fit properly at Valu-Mart, and the sales lady suggested we try a place over in Champaign called Banana Republic. So Mom said we would head over there on Saturday, and take Brenda along. I said I could do without Brenda and her usual comments, and was chastised for complaining about my sister. My biggest complaint was that I still didn't have a girlfriend. True, I was good friends with several of the girls at school, but they weren't girlfriends, just friends. Nick and Julie were spending a lot of time together, and that meant private time, not with me tagging along. Fergus, who I discovered was also a sophomore about my age, had turned out to be a really interesting person. Despite a bunch of rumors about his being gay or something like that. I didn't care about the rumors, as what turned him on was none of my business, and he had never hit on me or made nasty comments about my size or appearance. So he and I were doing a lot of things together. His father seemed to be a real goofball. Both his parents seemed insistent that he not do sports or things like that, and bought him clothes that looked almost girlish. I guess they figured because of my small size, and often showing up still in my dance stuff I, wasn't going to be a bad influence, and they encouraged him to spend time with me. That Friday, everyone got out of the last-period dance class just after it started, when they had a fire drill and couldn't reset the alarms in our wing. Despite the rules, everyone ducked back into the changing rooms and grabbed clothes, and since the weather was unseasonably warm, Fergus and I decided to hike over to the mall and get something to eat. There was no place to change anything other than our shoes, and we forgot that the mall was not a place where they were used to boys wearing tights. So we got a lot of weird looks and comments as we hiked the three miles to the mall, and finally decided, after checking out the food court, to split a pizza. After enduring a couple of unpleasant comments by a couple of kids from school about my being Fergus's date, we took over an empty booth way off in a corner, and sat there quietly munching and talking. Fergus seemed really upset about something, and I finally told him to quit keeping everything bottled up and tell me what was bugging him. "Promise you won't laugh or quit being my friend, or tell anyone else?" "Why would I do something like that?" "Just promise, okay?" He seemed awfully upset, and so I nodded. "Are you gay?" I dropped my slice of pizza on the table, and almost knocked over my soda. "Please, don't blow your cool, but I need to know." "What in the hell makes you think I might be queer?" It came out really nasty, and I was set to apologize when he started to cry. "Because you are one of the few kids from school who treats me decently, and the way you look and act I was hoping to find someone who might understand..." I sat there staring at him. So the rumors about him were true. "No, I'm not gay, and what the heck do you mean by how I look and act?" "Benny, I'm gay, just like everyone jokes, and have been all my life, at least as far as I can tell. But you didn't seem to care. You don't act like the straight guys, or the gay ones, or have a girlfriend. And with your long hair you are really pretty, which is really causing me a lot of problems, 'cause you're my friend and I didn't want to scare you off by asking you if you'd go out with me, and now you will hate me and..." He put his head back in his hands. "I don't have a girlfriend because none of the girls are interested in dating me, and I can't help it if I look funny 'cause I'm so little." He looked back up at me, and shook his head. "You don't observe how you act. Few people do. I guess because I'm gay I've had to learn a lot about watching other people to survive. You act a whole lot more like a girl than any boy I've ever met, gay or not." I stared at him like he was crazy. He paused and thought. "I'll bet that's why the girls don't want to date you. They see you as one of them, or as a sister rather than boyfriend material." That got my attention. I had never thought about it that way, but as I thought more about it, it rang true. Now it was my turn to worry. "But I like, really like girls, and boys don't turn me on at all!" He nodded. "Which means you're not gay, dammit." I stared questioningly at him. "Don't you understand? I am a boy who is sexually and emotionally attracted to boys, but most of all to boys who are really pretty and feminine. And you are like a wet dream come true." I wondered if I should run. But he wasn't threatening me. "Don't worry. Being gay doesn't make me some sort of molester or weirdo. Just very lonely. And now I won't even have you for a friend." He started to collect his trash to leave, and I motioned him to wait. "Fergus, I think I can handle your being gay. But the rest of this is really hard to understand. Especially the part about my acting like a girl? Like no way!" "A lot of the other kids at school privately think you're gay, or at least mostly. That's why Bonehead and some of the others give you such a hard time. Heck, even the lesbians, like your sister's friend Karen, think you're probably queer. But you don't listen to the rumor net, so you've probably been in the dark." "Karen is gay?!" He nodded. "Most everyone knows she is. I know Brenda does, and doesn't care. It's really a lot different among girls, 'cause so many are bi or closet lezzies that no one wants to make a stink. All the gay guys I know at school either have partners, or are sleazy, or don't like fem boys like me." My eyebrows tried for a low orbit. "Don't look so surprised. I use my parents being weird as an excuse and diversion. I pick my own clothes and would wear a dress and makeup to school if I thought I could get away with it." My head started to hurt, and I wondered if there was something really wrong with me. "Benny, please, say you will still be my friend?" I nodded, and before I could object he jumped up and kissed me, then realized what he had done, and grabbing his pack, ran out of the pizza place crying. I slowly finished my part of the pizza, trying to make sense of what had just happened, and studiously ignored the snickers and snide comments from the waitress. When I left I also ignored cleaning up the mess, or leaving her a tip. Fergus was nowhere to be seen, and I didn't really want to go home until I had thought through what was happening. I wound up looking at my reflection in one of the display windows, and on a whim took out the scrunchie that was still holding my hair back into a pony tail. Shaking my hair free and around my face, I saw there was no question that I now looked more like a flat, athletic twelve-year old girl than a just barely sixteen-year-old boy. I had aimlessly wandered the mall for almost an hour, lost in thought, when a one-day, super clearance sale at one of the boutiques caught my eye. And I suddenly knew I had a choice to make. I had to find out if what Fergus had said was true; that without trying I moved and acted like a girl. And I realized there was a way. So I took a deep breath, looked around for anyone that might recognize me and, seeing no one, headed inside. They were gearing up for the evening rush, so there were several sales-people, and few customers. A sales-woman that came over to me asked if she could help. Deciding she wouldn't put me out of my misery even if asked, I thought fast, and nodded. "I'm like really, really in need of some help in the chest department." I made flat motions "and a new outfit that makes me look sixteen, which I just turned, and when I saw your sale..." She said she had just the things for me, and pulled out her tape measure. My heart sank as she chatted with me like I was a real girl. She pulled a couple of skirts and blouses and some other stuff off racks and handed them, and two heavily padded bras, to me, then pointed to a dressing room. I stripped to my gaff, and put on the first bra. It felt awful. The second bra was much softer, and was a lot like what the girls in dance usually wore, with a single strap down the middle of the back. It pulled on, and just seemed to settle comfortably into place. One look in the mirror, and I got scared. But I resolved to go through with the rest. I had to know. An earth-toned, long-sleeved top of something thinner, stretchier, and even more comfortable than the tights, and a very, very short matching skirt, and I knew that, at least physically, Fergus was right. There was a pair of what were billed as sports and exercise panty hose with the collection, and I was amazed how good they felt, like the tights but nicer. And grimaced at how good my legs looked. I decided to switch from my tennis shoes to the dance shoes, and after brushing out my hair, took a deep breath and checked myself over in the floor-length mirror. After I quit shaking I knew I had problems. So much for Benjamin. Now it was time to see if people would react differently when I was pretending to be a girl. I got compliments from the sales-woman, and from a couple of girls about my age I didn't know, who were searching the racks for bargains. I handed the unwanted bra back, and put my dance stuff in my pack. The saleswoman was smiling. "These are great. I'll take them." As we headed to the register, someone spoke from behind me, and I jumped. "A pair of heels would really show off those wonderful legs of yours." I spun around to find a young woman, obviously a store employee, looking at me. "And I think we have some in this sale that would be just perfect." When I finally left the store I was almost broke, and was sure that I looked like I was on the prowl. The unfamiliar shoes caused me to walk with a sway, and swing my hips, and I got half-a-dozen whistles and some less appropriate comments by the time I reached the relative safety of a bookstore. After beating down panic, and getting my heart-rate down below two hundred, I began to systematically test the waters, and my image. Several stores, and far too many encounters later, I knew Fergus was right. Older women, girls of all ages, and far too many guys treated me like just another fairly pretty girl. I even tried getting into conversations with girls I had never met, and found it easy. I made sure I did nothing different than use a girl's name, Betty, which was close enough to Benny to keep me from getting confused. And nobody seemed to question my appearing as a girl. It wasn't long before I knew that to the world I was just another un-attached teenage girl doing her thing at the mall. I nearly lost it when an older kid from school hit on me and asked me for a date, and I had to hide in a stall in the women's restroom until I quit shaking. Then I realized I needed to get home, and that there was no way I was going to walk all the way home dressed this way. So I went back to window shopping, searching for ideas, and screeched when a familiar voice from right behind me sounded out "B... Benny?" I spun clumsily on the heels and found myself face to face with Fergus, who looked like he had seen a ghost. "Hey, like don't scare me like that!" He backed off, staring at me. "What... What are you doing dressed like that." It came out accusatory. He pointed at me from head to toe. "You said you..." "I said I didn't believe you. And then I had to be sure you were wrong." I started to shake, and motioned him to follow me to a bench. "...and so I bought some girls clothes on sale and they treated me like a girl and so has everyone since then, and it's like no one can tell the difference..." "Don't go postal on me, okay?" "Why shouldn't I? I've been asked for a date by a boy from school, and chatted with girls I've never seen before who say I'm way cool for a natural blonde, and..." "And you are finding out something new about yourself, and about how people see each other. So quit acting like a platinum blonde ditz and tell me what you are planning to do for the rest of the evening." I explained about my being afraid to walk home, and needing a ride, and he chuckled. "That's the easy part. Give Nick a call. He mentioned yesterday that he and Julie were going to spend this evening at his house watching some television special. Which if it is what I think it is, it should end at about eight-thirty. Just in time for them to give us a ride home." "And I've gotta change cause if I go home dressed like this my parents will freak and..." "And you are going to have to tell them sometime, just like I had to tell mine, 'cause hiding things only causes them to get worse, kinda like an infection that isn't treated." He was making sense, which was scary. Mom and Dad were pretty liberal, so I didn't think they would toss me out without giving me a chance to explain. Or a trial. "And that would give us a chance to, well, pretend we were like dating..." The pleading in his eyes made him look like a lost puppy, and made me giggle. "As long as you are a gentleman, and keep your hands and lips to yourself." I managed a weak smile. "And that way maybe I can keep from being a moving target for all the damned teenage boys prowling this place." I cringed when I realized that I had just excluded myself from my half of the gene pool. He managed a snicker, then went back to the sad puppy look. "Can I give you a hug? Please? I'll buy you a soda." I cringed at the way he was whining, and decided a hug couldn't hurt. By the time we managed to pry apart, I was flushed and feeling really funny. Fergus had a really strange look on his face. "Good lord, Benny, Betty, or whatever you are, that was intense." He was watching the emotions flash across my face. "Are you going to be okay?" "But I'm... not... gay..." I was beginning to doubt myself. I had never reacted to a hug with someone like that before. But then it dawned on me that no one had ever given me a hug like that either. "Lets get moving." I almost jumped up, and he held my hand gently as he escorted me to the thirty-something flavors in the food court. My mind was screaming this was wrong, but inside I felt all soft and warm, like I had imagined a girl would feel when kissed. But Fergus was a boy. And so was I. Or was I? Good grief, what the hell was I? As we sat down I wondered when I would reach critical mass and implode. We were sitting there sipping our sodas, carefully avoiding any conversations involving our emotions, when a familiar voice called out "Hey Fergie, why didn't you call and say you would be doing the mall this evening? And what's with the chick? Like you have changed your spots?" We both looked up to see a whole group of kids we knew heading our way. My ability to move evaporated, and I just sat there, frozen in place, knowing I was about to die horribly. Debbie and Flo sat next to me. Rickie, who was the one making the announcement, and Iris, his girlfriend, sat next to Fergus. The others took over the booth across the isle. "Well, don't just sit there like a mushroom. Introduce your pretty little friend." Rickie was eyeing me carefully, and hungrily. "And darn she looks familiar. Don't I know her from somewhere?" Fergus was panicking and mouthing words, but saying nothing, and everyone was kidding him about being shy, and keeping his girlfriend a secret. Then Shelly, one of the girls at the other table, stood up and pointing at me shouted "Oh My Gosh! I know her! I mean him! She's Benny, Brenda's brother, in drag!" I was still frozen in place, and what was left of my reality began to fade in and out. Someone made a comment that this proved I was queer, and everything went fuzzy. I woke feeling a cool something on my forehead, and as things came back into focus I found I was staring up at Fergus, and at Shelly, both who looked really upset. "Is your friend all right?" An adult voice came through, and I found someone who looked like a mall guard looking down at me. "She, well, just got really emotional, and fainted." Fergus replied. "Right?" He sounded like an overstretched guitar string. I managed a nod, and tried to sit up, which was a very bad idea. I wound up being lifted to my feet by Fergus and Shelly, who held me firmly until the room quit doing the tango, and I was able to sit upright by myself on one of the benches. The guard decided I was okay, and reminded everyone as he left that the mall closed in less than an hour. The rest of the group was still staring at Fergus and me. Fergus managed to get out "Please, don't say anything until she, I mean he, has recovered." I wound up at the center of the group, being fed small amounts of sherbet by Shelly. She finally decided I was ready to be grilled. And served. "Benny, what in the hell are you doing out in public like this?" Shelly was a long-time friend of Brenda's, and had known me for years. I knew it was all over, and I was too stressed and confused to think up a story. So I decided on the truth, and hoped they would be merciful. "Trying out the other side?" "Well you damn sure look like a girl, tits and all. Do Brenda and your parents know you're going out in drag with a gay guy?" I shook my head at Rickie, who was winding up for a verbal assault. "Lay off her." I was surprised to find Flo and Debbie get right in his face. They were long-time friends of mine, who had always treated me like a real person. And only gently said no when I asked them for a date. They pulled me to my feet and gave me a hug. "I don't know if we should welcome you as one of our sisters, or as one of Fergie's crew, but you sure are a pretty little thing. Wish you'd told us before, 'cause we've always wondered..." One of their sisters? That meant Flo and Debbie were...lesbians? "Whatever she is, she's in a world of shit, that is fer sure. 'Cause by Monday everyone's gonna know Benny was at the mall as Fergie's girlfriend. And that's gonna be bigger news than when Cathy showed up pregnant after Christmas last year, and the boy turned out to be her cousin Homer." Iris was not a quiet and retiring type. "Ya sure were checking her out real close, Rickie. Does that mean I have got something to worry about?" He did a lot of sputtering while most of the others laughed, and she finally hugged him. But the comment helped break the tension. "So everyone quit worrying whether or not Benny is queer, and let's get moving, 'cause the place is getting ready to close and most of us need to call home to get rides unless we want to walk." Shelly made sense. The group moved en-mass out of the food court, and I got a lot of compliments from the girls on how good I looked and moved. And even Rickie said I had a hell of a swing. I decided not to explain that wearing heels didn't give me much choice. I called Nick, who said he'd be glad to give Fergus and me a ride. So we watched as the others were picked up, and Fergus and I made it to the designated exit just as Nick pulled into the loading zone. I saw that Julie was with him, so I hopped into the back seat. "Hey blondie, what are you doing getting in my boyfriend's car?" Julie turned around like she was defending her territory, and then she did a double-take as Fergus slid in next to me. It was about that point that Nick figured out who I was, and he managed to get out "Benny?!!!" "Don't ask, just get me home alive." They both looked hard at Fergus and me, then Nick carefully headed out of the lot. "We are not going anywhere near our houses until I know what the hell you are doing out in public, in a skirt, looking like Fergus's hot and bothered girlfriend." He drove for a couple more minutes, and pulled into a nearly empty parking lot. We all got out of the car and sat on a nearby bench. Nick was the first to speak. "Okay, so the rumors that you're queer were true. I can live with that. But why in the hell are you running around with gay Pierre here, as his moll, and where in the name of whomever did you get the clothes and boobs?" Nick was all bent out of shape, and instead of managing one of my usual sarcastic replies, I simply sat down and started crying. "Back off, Nick, can't you see she's too upset to talk?" Julie jumped into the conversation, then slowly turned and stared at me again. "Oh My God, I just referred to Benny a girl." She sat down, hard. "Did Fergus make you do this?" Nick had lowered his voice and was looking at Fergus with hatred in his eyes. "Fergus did nothing to me. I had to know, and this was the only way I could find out." "Find out what? That you're queer?" "Find out why everyone thinks I'm gay, and why Fergus says that I act lots more like a girl than a boy." I took some of the tissues that Julie was offering. "Please, don't yell at him, or me. I did this to myself to find out if what he said was true." "Hey, like we didn't care if you were gay or not." I looked at Julie. "I mean, like we all suspected. But dressing up like a girl..." "I decided to dress up like a girl and see if people treated me differently But no one even gave me a second glance, unless it was a guy checking me out or a girl studying the competition. But dammit, I don't want to be a girl, and I'm not gay and unless this starts to make sense I'm just going to run off and drown myself." I sort of collapsed into a smaller form as I felt my life crumble around me. "I guess everyone already thinks I'm queer, and now they'll think I'm really sick and weird and I'll never have a girlfriend and why won't you all just leave me alone and let me end it all here and now." "Because you're still my best friend, even if you're wearing a miniskirt." Nick picked me up and gave me a hug, which seemed to embarrass him. And for the first time I hugged him back like I had hugged Fergus, and I melted against him, and didn't want to let go. But he started to freak, so I slid out of his arms and back on my feet. Julie spoke up. "And you're my friend too, just as long as you don't try to date Nick behind my back." Something about the way that came out caused her to make a weird face, and I managed a very weak laugh. "But there are a lot of questions about why you are dressed like this, and this is not the right place to ask them. Do your parents know...?" "I don't even know. Don't you see? I can't go home like this, knowing that I'm all messed up in the head." "It's either go home and talk with your parents, or I take you to a hospital or the police." I stared at Nick. "Because I'm your friend, and friends don't let friends hurt themselves. So ..." "When he shows up looking like this he won't have a choice about telling them." Julie was right about that. "And it's getting late. So let's get going." She and Nick agreed that they would take me home, make sure I got inside safely, and come over first thing in the morning to keep track of what was going on. Fergus echoed the same sentiments, and Nick suggested we drop Fergus off first. As we headed home, I pictured my father taking one look at me, and throwing me out of the house. And Brenda claiming I was adopted, and never speaking to me again. We pulled up at my house, and taking a deep breath, I grabbed the mall package containing my dance gear, and headed for the door. When I looked back, both Nick and Julie were giving me thumbs-up support. The door was unlocked, and as I headed inside the house I called out that I was home. "'Bout time little brother. You're not old enough to be out late without a baby-sitter." Brenda came into the hall. "And I'm pissed 'cause it was your turn to do the dish....ish... Oh My God! MOM! You've gotta come see this!" She had stopped and was pointing at me and making all sorts of weird faces. "Brenda Ann, what is all commotion about...." Mom stopped and stared at me as her voice faded out. I had this terrible feeling of impending doom. "BENJAMIN IRVING TOLVAR THE SECOND! WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT'S HOLY ARE YOU DOING IN A SKIRT?!" Mom seemed almost ready to go into orbit. "MICHAEL, get in here right now! "What the hell's all the commotion about, Ann? Is something wrong with Benny?" He came dashing in, and looked confused. "Where's Benny, and who's the girl that's... Oh Shit. Benjamin? Is that...you? What sort of weird party were you at, and were you out in public in that outfit?" "Can we all go into the living room, and I'll try to explain. And please, don't make fun of me." Mom grabbed Dad and dragged him along, and Brenda muttered something about killing me if I had embarrassed her. When we were all together, I carefully chose a soft chair so the skirt wouldn't slide up too far, and Mom told Brenda to go get her and Dad some aspirin and all of us some water. Brenda moved fast, I guess so she wouldn't miss any of the blood. "Aside from the fact that you make a very attractive girl, what in the hell are you doing running around like that?" Mom was the most visibly upset. "Benny looks like a tweenybopper." I glared at Brenda. "Better that than a Barbie-doll wannabee like you." "Benny, Brenda, the subject is Benny, not fashion wars." Dad cut off her reply. "And Benny, your mother is right, you do look like Brenda's younger sister. But you are supposed to look like her brother. So is this some kind of initiation, or a practical joke, or are you trying to tell us something?" So I started at the beginning, meaning the fire alarm. "...and then I went to the mall with Fergus, and..." "Oh God, that means you really are queer like Fergie, and now I'm gonna get all kinds of grief 'cause you're gay, and..." "No, and if you can keep your mouth shut long enough maybe I can finish?" Brenda clammed up, and I continued. "And please, this is going to be hard enough without anyone going over the edge before I can finish explaining." That caught Dad in the middle of starting a tirade, and he looked like he bit his tongue. "...and so I decided to find out if what Fergus said was true, and when I saw the sale signs at that boutique, I went in and..." I had their rapt attention. Even Brenda seemed to be fascinated with this part of my story. "So then Rickie and the gang saw us, and..." Brenda moaned something about never showing her face in public again. "Brenda, I'm not gay. And even if I was, it shouldn't bother you, 'cause Fergus said that Karen, who's been your friend like forever, is gay, and you've known it and don't seem to care." Mom and Dad gave her a "Really?" look, and then I remembered Brenda had been to several sleep-overs at Karen's over the last year. I continued before she was able to defend herself. Or run away. "Anyway, after all the commotion from my fainting was over, we all headed out and called friends and parents for rides home. Nick and Julie gave Fergus and me a ride, and they are all coming over tomorrow morning early to make sure I'm okay." "So everyone in the community already knows that you are some sort of weirdo nut-case, who is dressing like a girl and running around with a homosexual kid who likes pretty boys?" Dad was getting ready to blow. "And it doesn't bother you that you have made a complete fool of yourself and embarrassed your sister and family, and..." "And quit worrying about other people will think." Mom got in his case, hard. "Benjamin obviously needs help... a lot of help. I've seen shows about boys who dress like girls, and if he's like them, then maybe he's not gay, just all mixed up." Mom came over and gave me a badly needed hug. "And if he has to dress like a girl at least he looks good, not like the hairy gorillas in spandex dresses that were on those shows." "Mom, you're saying that I have to put up with Benny's going psycho, and running around in drag with Fergie on dates?" "I'm saying that Benny is your brother and our child, and deserves support, not criticism." "Well, whatever is making him act like this is making me sick. So I am going to bed and let you take charge of finding his lost marbles." Dad managed to give Mom a hug, but avoided me like I was contagious, which made me feel awful. As Dad stormed out of the room, I found myself being hugged by Brenda. "Benny, I didn't mean to say I hate you. And I guess I can stand to have a gay brother as a sister if I have to. But please, let me know what to tell my friends." That was the last straw, and I broke down crying on her shoulder. Mom hugged the two of us until I was able to get myself together, and after making sure I didn't need to be fed, suggested we all sleep on what happened and talk again in the morning. I was carefully undressing when Brenda knocked and then came in, and handed me one of her nightgowns. "Here, maybe this will help you sleep." "I don't want to be a girl. Why is everyone...?" "You are the one who got dressed up, and I almost hate to tell you this, but you really do look good. It's, well, sort of like you were supposed to be a girl." "You're not helping." "You're not denying it either. Now get some sleep. And try the nightgown, it's a lot more comfortable than pajamas." She left and I spent a lot of time staring at the wall. When I finally decided to survive the night, I tried her nightgown. She was right, it was comfortable. I spent a lot of time wondering what I had done to deserve what was happening. And dreamed strange dreams about bikinis and worrying about tan lines. Mom woke me up and, after freaking over the nightgown, managed to say that Nick, Julie, and Fergus were downstairs waiting for me. "Your father has already gone out, and well..," she just shook her head and left. I looked with fear at the neatly folded skirt and top on my dresser, and the padded bra hanging from my chair. When I came downstairs, everyone made weird noises and seemed reluctant to say anything. "Okay, so somebody speak to me, or shoot me, or even better, feed me?" "Your hair is awful." This was from Nick. I thought I had done a good job of creating a pair of spaniel ears. "You look like an escapee from one of those goofy troll cartoons." "Back upstairs young woman..," Mom realized what she had just said, and almost started to cry, then took charge again. "I will fix. Now move!" I moved, and she headed me to her dressing table. She spent all the two minutes it took to fix my hair apologizing. When she finished, I could see what I had done wrong. Everything! "Benny, do you really think you should go back out in public as a girl? You said that yesterday was a test of some kind, yet this morning you dressed up all on your own." "I was afraid to, and afraid not to. Mom, don't you understand? Yesterday after I bought these clothes people treated me like I was a real person of sixteen, not some underfed eleven-year old. Nobody made fun of my size or height or the way I looked." "Don't you feel silly or awfully strange wearing a skirt and bra?" "That's the funny part. Once I got over how much I looked like a girl, I didn't have the slightest problem. The clothes are comfortable, even the bra, and I love having the extra four inches from the heels, and, well, I guess I kinda liked the way I look..." "Close your eyes and don't move or say anything until I say I'm finished." "But..." "Just do it." I heard her rummage through some stuff, and almost jumped out of my shoes when she started to do things to my face. She even did something to my eyelashes, and then put some lipstick on my lips. "One more thing." I could hear her in her closet. She placed a strap over my right shoulder, and what had to be a shoulder bag was now hanging there. "Open your eyes, and remember that if you cry and rub them you will look like a raccoon." In her big three-way mirror I was able to see myself from all angles. Yesterday I had thought I looked a lot like a real girl. Today I really did. The bag was of soft brown leather and matched the outfit I was wearing. "Mom?" It came out soft and pleading. "You really make a beautiful young woman. And don't cry. You said yesterday that you called yourself Betty?" "It seemed the easiest thing to do. But why did you put makeup on me and..." "If you had been born a girl, Michael and I would have named you Sarah. Sarah Irving Tolver, after your grandmother." Her voice was breaking. She went over to her jewelry box, and pulled out a beautiful, woven silver choker. It was heavy and wide and the front was made up of elegant Gothic letters spelling out Sarah. "This was your grandmothers." She put it on me, and it was like an electric shock to feel the cool metal on my neck. "One more thing." She went and found a set of long, multi-piece silver earrings, then removed the little gold studs that I had gotten when I had my ears. I had thought having pierced ears would make me look more macho. Once the earrings were in place, she seemed unable to speak, and sort-of pushed me out of her room and down the stairs. There was utter silence from my friends when they saw me, and it was Brenda who managed the first "Wow" Similar sentiments were echoed by Julie and Nick. All Fergus did was smile and give me a hug. Which was what I really needed, and I got close and collected his warmth until Brenda whispered that we were freaking out Mom. So we separated, and looked at each other. Brenda excused herself, saying as she headed upstairs that she needed to change. We all sort of stood around like a bunch of idiots, staring at each other, afraid to say anything, until she came back down wearing an outfit similar to mine, but much more revealing. "Can't let my little sister get all the whistles." I cringed, and Julie muttered something about blondes. But despite the comments, Mom seemed well, okay with me all of a sudden. "Brenda, you and Sarah and your friends have a lot of fun today." She pulled some money from her purse, and counted out a hundred dollars, which she handed to Brenda. "Go out and get yourselves breakfast, and then go enjoy the harvest fair over at the county seat. And all of you, take good care of Sarah. She's never been out in the world before." She had tears in her eyes as she almost pushed us out the door. "Call home if there are any emergencies. Your father and I need some time to ourselves, so don't expect us to be home after two, or before eight this evening. Now get going." She shut the door after us. "Who the hell is Sarah?" Nick was a bit weirded out. "And what are you doing dressed like that again?" I explained about what Mom had said, and why I was wearing the same clothes as before. Julie put a hand on his shoulder to get him to slow down. "Nick, I think she looks fine. Maybe too damn fine, cause I'm jealous. She's not fair competition. And worse, she's a natural blonde." "Will you be my girlfriend?" Fergus got down on one knee and made begging motions. So I bopped him lightly. "Not a chance. But how about just being your friend?" I discovered that Mom had stocked the shoulder bag when he started to sniffle, and needed some tissues. "Well, Mom gave me a lot of money and said to get breakfast, and I'm starved. So if Nick will get driving, we can find food." Brenda seemed intent on changing the subject. We all decided that fast was best, so it was off to McStarches. Brenda and I got a lot of hungry looks from the boys there, and one almost hurt himself when he made a pass at me, and I said I didn't date boys. That made Fergus groan, and both Julie and Brenda have a giggle fit. Suddenly Brenda seemed annoyed. "If we're going to the fair, I want to have some of my friends go with us. They can supply their own money and transportation." I was still nibbling my hash browns, but Brenda was already finished. "So I'm going to make some calls. Back in a minute." Nick made some similar sounds, and left the booth dragging Fergus with him. "Um, Julie, what is Nick planning?" "I have a feeling he's calling everyone we know and inviting them to meet us at the fair." "Great. So I'm going to be a new side-show attraction." "You really do look great." "I'd rather look like a boy." "I'd rather look like a girl, so get over it." Julie was really touchy about her boyish figure and athletic build. A really funny thought hit me. "Julie, you always wear a padded bra, right?" She gave me a really dirty look, and nodded unhappily. "I just had a really goofy idea. Want to hear it?" "Am I going to get arrested?" "Fergus said yesterday he would rather dress as girl than a boy. And you two are almost exactly the same size, so I was wondering..." By the time everyone had returned, and said we would all meet at the fair with our friends at noon, Julie and I had finished plotting. So she dragged Nick off to a far corner, and the rest of us went and bought seconds. We dropped Brenda off at Shelly's, and made sure that Shelly didn't see me. Fergus was completely unaware of what we were plotting, because when we stopped at Julie's house, he came in when we said it was going to be a while before everyone was ready to go to the fair. Julie asked Fergus to come up to her room to look at something, and he didn't get suspicious. So Nick and I sat in her living room and played Nintendo, and waited to see if there would be any screaming. We were beginning to get a bit worried when there was a noise from upstairs, and moments later Julie, who had a genuine smile on her face, escorted a tall, rather plain girl with dark, curly hair and tears in her eyes down to meet us. "Nick and Sarah, meet Meghan Flannery Brogan. Meghan, these are your friends Nick and Sarah." Fergus, now Meghan, grabbed me and hugged me half to death saying how wonderful this was. "You two goofy girls can discuss your lives and loves later. We have a fair to get to, and people to freak." Nick seemed to want fresh air. Meghan was bouncing like a five-year-old and almost had to be dragged down to where Nick's car was parked. "Fergus, or Meghan, are you sure you want to do this?" I looked at my friend, who nodded. "You don't even want to be a girl, and look at you. This is one of my dreams come true. And I don't care what anyone thinks. Meghan is what I have always called myself when I dressed up at home, or dreamed about who I wanted to be." "You two are going to get a lot of attention at the fair, so don't wander off or we won't be able to keep you out of trouble." Julie was trying to be stern, but it just wasn't coming out that way. "And dammit, this is really getting hard to handle. Even Meghan makes a better girl than me." "What makes you a girl has nothing to do with us, Julie." We all looked at Meghan. "You are a real girl up here." He tapped his head. "and your body is a girl's, just not the slim little blonde type like Sarah. So what? I will never be small and dainty either. And Nick really likes having a girlfriend who doesn't break when he get overly friendly" Nick coughed, and Julie turned a bit red. "How..." "I have learned a lot about observing people, remember? And I've seen you two romantically sparring, looking more like a couple of wrestlers working out for the Olympics." "Oh shit, it was that obvious?" Meghan and I both nodded, and she smiled. "Okay, no more hiding." With that she tackled Nick, and they rolled around on the grass doing things that looked painful and downright erotic to each other till Nick pinned her, and she started begging for a real pinning. They looked at each other with lust in their eyes, and Nick said there would be a slight technical delay as they ran back into Julie's house, loosening clothing enroute. "Now I'm jealous. You're sure you wouldn't..." I shook my head. While we waited, Meghan brought me up to date on what it meant for her to finally be out as a girl. We were both surprised when it took less than ten minutes for Nick and Julie to return, looking much more relaxed, and saying they were ready to leave. "I've heard of a quickie, but..." They both grinned. "Don't knock what you haven't tried, little unfulfilled person." Julie gave me a kiss, and got in the passenger seat as I grimaced. Soon we were on the road heading for the fairgrounds. "Meghan, are you sure your parents are not going to freak?" I was watching her smile at the world. "With my Dad no one would notice the difference. And they both know I'm gay and that I have always wanted to dress like a girl, since I was little. They don't like it, but we've come to an understanding after a lot of grief. Regardless of what I am, I am still their child, and they love me and I love them. Which helps us get through most of the rough spots." That gave all of us something to think about as we headed down the freeway. As I had suspected, a noon gathering meant that no one would show up earlier than twelve-thirty. Brenda, Shelly, and their whole crew arrived in Shelly's Mom's van j