Who's Alicia free porn video

Disclaimer: This story was written by a Brazilian. So English is not my native language. Still I am writing my ideas on paper. Reviews are welcome; just try not to be hard on the grammar. You may copy or quote, just credit me. I strongly recommend reading my first story, "What a coffee" first, but this story is designed to be standalone. Who's Alicia?? - Second Part for What A Coffee By Brazilian Amazon Chapter 1 - A new friend I woke up, it was just the third day at this crazy institution and I was beginning to feel like getting out of here really soon. Doctor Silverstone told me when I arrived that I was free to go, and that thought was dominating my mind during that entire morning. The experience I had the previous day was really shocking, Within moments, the doctor convinced me that I was a girl, and worse, the girl I loved all my life. I knew something was not right with me, last week events made that clear to me, no doctor could made them. But it was very hard to believe in that story. The day was really sunny, something I never saw there before. I could clearly see the ocean from my window, in a typical day, that wouldn't be possible. As I stood up, I felt suddenly dizzy, it was like my body was having trouble to keep balance. I tried to compensate and though about the medicine I was on, this was surely it's fault, I was afraid that the next effects would retain me to bed or something worse. I really couldn't access the communications facility, but I really appreciated to walk near the main building, I began to compliment others that crossed my way, as this was beginning to be my routine. But I saw someone new there, oddly she was sitting in a bench that I could see from my window, and I never saw her there. She was wearing a white jacket, but like no one I ever saw at the hospital. This girl was no patient, I was sure the guys at the hospital wouldn't let a patient to wear such clothing. She looked at me, and smiled, a tall oriental woman. Maybe mid 40s, long hair, and thin body. As I approached, and kindly accepted the informal invitation to sit down by her side she started to talk. "Hi, my name is Katia, what's your name?" This question again?? Why people there would always ask tricky questions, maybe they were trying to manipulate me. Nevertheless, I had really no good reason not to chat with Katia, I really could use some talk outside Silverstone's office. "Hi, can we skip the name part please? As you can see I am patient here, and my name is one of my problems right now." Of course this was the smallest of my problems, if only she knew... "Ah... so you are the case Silverstone told me about. Do you like the place? You know there aren't many institutions like this, that would let you walk freely without escort, this is almost unique to the patients here." She was not the first one to tell me about how special this place was. For one moment I thought of telling her the truth and my recent idea of getting out of there as soon as possible. "Yes, the garden is beautiful, the facilities are well equipped and the staff, I really can't say nothing about the staff, let's say they are just big. Sometimes I think of what makes me so special... But most of the time I try not to... Maybe I shouldn't talk to you about that, let me just save it for the doctor." "I know him pretty well you know, I can say you are in safe hands, just let him do his work, don't rush him or anything. The people here are sure big, but I noticed you are very afraid of that, you should talk to your doctor about it. Believe me they are nice people, don't judge them by their size." As she finished her sentence my "big" nurse approached, it wasn't time already, that caused me some worry. My appointments with Silverstone were always at mid afternoon. "You have to come with me now for your physical exam, please come quickly as I already lost a good deal of time trying to find you, we are late." I said goodbye to Katia and followed my nurse. As I reentered the installation, I looked back and noticed Katia was no longer there, I made a mental note to ask to the doc about her later today. The facility had 3 buildings, one appeared to be a giant recreational facility, with an attached pool and a Helipad. The main one, resembled a modern hospital, it was the biggest of them and had a big parking lot underneath it. Finally the third one appeared to be a tech center, it was well guarded and had some antennas in its top. The communications center was there. Near the entrance was the guard's keep, with attached quarters. Double fences surrounded the entire place, and an extra fence surrounded the tech building. Chapter 2 - What an exam I walked through the corridors of the main building, and went inside a room, this one was well equipped, with all the apparatus you can expect from a good diagnosis unit, as I passed through another door I was now at an office, the style resembled much of Silverstone's office, but he made some special modifications. Near the table was a woman, this time a blonde one. 'A blonde doctor, now I am really doomed.' I thought to myself. Paula, as she introduced herself invited me to sit down and started to ask a questions about my health, as she filled a form, she stayed with the same tone of voice during the entire procedure. I thought that was a proof of the intense training these people suffered, the relationship between doctors and patients here were something completely new for me. After she went through the first form, she took a deep breath and started to write at another paper, this time a blank one. This time, the questions were not so common... "When did you have your last orgasm?" "You know, I am really not the kind that will jerk off with magazines and things like that. Maybe that's quite uncommon nowadays, but this is my way of life..." She abruptly interrupted me. "Please you have to give me straight answers, otherwise I cannot do my work." I decided to try. "At school, I clearly remember it. Almost 5 years now." "Okay. How many times do you go to the bathroom per day?" "About 6-7." "Do you feel any kind of pain other than headaches, any special place?" "No, not really." "I really have to examine your chest, and other body parts, please don't be shy, you can change at that room." She gave me a special vest and I changed with some fear of what to expect. I really didn't like those exams. Not a little bit. My memories betrayed me, but I resembled some incidents from my childhood, after witch mom tried her best to keep me out of hospitals and exams. As I walked back to the office, the doctor directed me to the diagnosis room. I was sure these professionals received hard training, but I knew, she was worried. "You know, if you feel any kind of pain, if you feel discomfort at any time, you just tell me okay? There's no need to make this a nightmare." "Okay, just be easy with me, I don't like to be examined." "Okay, I'll do my best, come with me please." As we entered the diagnosis unit, I noticed that two nurses (yes the big ones) were guarding the exit door. I followed the doctor through the x-ray section, I really hate radiation, it's incredible what some Sci-Fi could do to your fears. We stopped at a machine with an x-ray cannon pointed to some acrylic or glass plates, I knew what this was, I saw it on TV. It was the kind of machine that examined woman's breasts, I really didn't know the details, just that this was made for women. I flashed; it was my first flash in a long time. As I looked again at the room, I saw no one. I was hoping to see Alicia, I knew seeing Alicia in hallucinations was some kind of cheat, yet I liked it very much. It made the Illusions pleasant for me, but she wasn't there, I felt alone, real alone. This place was creepy now. I decided to take a better look at the machine, I wasn't sure if this machine was "the one" that was made for women, maybe I was delusional. This machine could be a thing of my mind, it wouldn't be the first, or the last, I knew I had a rich imagination. The machine had markings, but I really couldn't figure out what they meant. As I tried harder, I started to feel great pain from my chest. I thought of my heart, but it was not possible, it was too superficial, I felt somehow asphyxiated, but it was different from being without air. I flashed hard once again and found myself on the floor of the diagnosis unit. The doctor was trying to wake me as I talked. "I am alright... I guess I just lost it for a few minutes, what happened?" "As soon as I took the shot you fell, here, let me see your chest... You know you are lucky, I saw some bad accidents with that machine, but let's continue." I didn't get it, my chest was normal, the pain was all gone. What shot was she talking about?? By that time, I was once again making plans for going away, these exams always were a problem; they would be that way forever. I followed the doc as we approached a strange chair, it was like an old barber chair but it had some very strange leg holders. That kind of chair would make my equipment, and even my ass completely exposed. That idea was even worse than the "breast machine". "You know, this is going to be hard for you, but you have to trust me, I did this before, with people that were in situations much worse than you are now. Just trust me okay?" At that time I felt afraid, just really afraid, what this doctor was going to do with me to ask so much? "What are you going to do doctor?? Are you going to examine my equipment, is that it?" I thought I would give everything in the old days to have a blonde "examining my equipment". It was a brief thought, I was really worried, my head was starting to show old signs of weakness, I knew I was starting to immerse into images of the past. This time was a little different, I really didn't lose much of the sense, I knew exactly were I was and why. Deep in my mind I missed my old delusions. The ones that would take me just about anywhere, just far from here. I was panicking from what was just about to happen. I wanted really hard to get away from it. And now I knew that those images kind of protected me from awful things, things that could hurt me, in any way. "You could say that, but believe me, it's not that simple." As I sat down almost shaking in fear, the doctor gave her hand to me, trying to comfort me. I was beginning to feel a little more comfortable and light headed, I saw Katia near the door, just beside those big nurses. My head was filled with thoughts of how could she connected to my case. Paula noticed I was losing focus on our present situation and interrupted. "Don't worry, they won't bite, I promise. Are you okay?" As I agreed and looked again, I saw Alicia, standing right where Katia was. I knew it was a hallucination, but as always, she got my complete attention. As I kept my eyes at her, this time with a faint smile at my face, the doctor proceeded; I was not really interested in her anymore, even in me. She got her gloves, and equipment, and started her job. It was some kind of deal, I was entertained with those images, and she could work without any unpleasant events. I was glad my mind did this for me; I had those beautiful eyes looking at me once again. Her face expressed care and compassion, she didn't move, nor she needed to. Alicia had that kind of hair that is not entirely dark of blonde. The hair reflected like it was illuminated by late afternoon sun. She had no makeup; this was no problem for her with such a smooth skin. Her breasts were normal sized for her height. She wore no bra, but her breasts were perfectly still, of course she was not moving right now. The doctor tried to talk to me, but I couldn't understand what she was saying. It resembled the old delusional language people used to talk when I dreamed like this. As long as Alicia was there, nothing could really hurt me. Suddenly she vanished, I couldn't really tell how long was, just that it wasn't enough. I needed more, and now I was a little sad. The effect looked like some "day after" symptom. The doctor got my attention once again. As I saw her now somehow dirty glove, and some tubes with some strange liquids in them. She removed the gloves and took some notes. Them told me that I should stand up and follow her once again. I was afraid again, "What was waiting for me now?" I was grateful that now she was going to take some simple blood samples. After that we went to the office, I changed back to my regular patient uniform. I sat down at her table again. "You know, I really don't know what happened at that chair, but it was much more easy than I first thought, after the incident at the mammography machine I was expecting something worse. I just need to ask you some questions that Silverstone sent me; it will take just a minute. But please try to answer in a straight way." She opened an envelope and started to read. "Did you see any illusions during the exams?" "I do think so." "Did you like them, did they make you happier or more comfortable?" "Yes" "Did you fell any kind of sexual excitation during the course of the exams, if yes, witch one?" "No." "That's it, I think the rest Silverstone will ask personally. You can go now, thanks for being cooperative, I know it's hard." I went back to my room, as I needed to reflect on what just happened or just hoped to see another hallucination that would make me happier. I was somehow sad since my last illusion. I was thinking about the past, from a different point of view, a lot of things that always made sense to me vanished, the same way dreams vanish soon after you wake up. The feelings of what happened were there, but I couldn't describe the situations behind them anymore. Chapter 3 - Stay The world was also more colorful now. I knew the colors were there, but I never paid so much attention at them. Some days ago I was hard to keep my mind in focus, now my mind was starting to get over charged with lots of data. As I sat in my bed, I saw the weather suddenly change, like fast forward, it changed from soon after midday to mid afternoon in seconds. The cycle was interrupted by a loud noise, something like a bang. It was the door opening, I knew that sound was misplaced, but after what just happened it was kind of normal. As the nurse called me for my daily interview with doctor Silverstone. I noticed some details about my room, myself and even the nurse that were not so clear for me before. The uniforms had blue details at the edges; also my room had some paintings that suddenly appeared. Scenes from nature, I figured out that they were photos from famous works. Of course, no one would be crazy to put valuable stuff with unstable people. I looked back one last time at my room before following the nurse into the corridor, the window was open I could swear that I left it closed. When I closed the door, I noticed a green slime under the little glass that made possible for the nurses to look inside. I didn't dare to touch it, as it was clear that the slime was sticky. Following my recent appetite for colors I noticed that the other patients were wearing different uniforms, some were wearing a light green one, I saw one patient wearing a light red one, this one was closely followed by two plus size nurses. The most common was the light blue, which was my color, I figured out later that I was at the light blue floor, and the others were just in transit. I also saw some security cameras at almost every corner, they were well hidden, but I doubt anyone with a slightly paranoiac trait would miss them. As I entered the doctor's office, I saw him at his chair reading a report. Maybe my physical exam report I thought. He told me to sit down and wait a minute. I did so... After some minutes he started to talk... "Welcome back, I read you had a busy day, what happened? You alright?" "I think so, to tell you the truth I was glad having hallucinations, specially seeing Alicia." "So you like them? You like to see Alicia?" "Very much, it's kind of sad when I wake up from these visions. Also they tend to arrive when I need them." "And when is that? When do you need them?" "I think it's related with fear... I feel rescued when they arrive, and sometimes, back to hell when they are gone. I was awake and I was hallucinating, but I didn't care." "What do you fear? What are these hallucinations rescuing you from?" "I can feel these things, but lately I am having trouble to remembering the details, and even some major events. I think my fear is related to situations I don't like, maybe a quick escape route." "I see, what about what happened after the exams, do you want to talk about it?" "This is odd, I didn't tell you about my time lapse yet. How do you know about it?" "Time lapse? Go on?" "Well, I felt some hours pass in seconds, it was a strange feeling. The trance, if I can call it this way was interrupted by my nurse as she called me for my appointment. That's it." "I believe these trances, as well as your visions will disappear in time. About the hallucinations, you must try to get used to the idea of living without them. I know is hard to let go something that protects you, but you can't live a normal life fleeing like this. It's like a drug to you." "I think you are right, maybe is for the best to let go. I was thinking about my fear, I think it is related to my childhood. I don't have so many memories about home, but I do have lots of feelings from there. I think I feel somehow guilty for my dad leaving home. My dad was a military, the one that made those missions no questions could be asked, so told me mom. I didn't have the opportunity to prove myself to my father. My mom always tried to tell me I was not guilty for my father behavior, but I couldn't believe her. Sometimes, she would look at me in a way that made me feel really bad. Seconds later she would try to change the subject and talk about something else, I thought about that look for months, even today I can imagine her face. I knew it wasn't alright, I also knew I wasn't a good son. I tried my best at sports, and I really wanted to make them proud, but I failed, and kept failing. In time, I began to be a constant flow of problems. Sometimes people erase memories of bad moments don't they doc?" "This is correct, but please go on, why do you feel you couldn't fulfill their desires for you?" "My father, I think he wanted a navy seal as a son. I've always been a failure at sports, also I don't like guns, I think I will never be the soldier my father wanted me to be. That's why it's my fault." "But your father left home when you were still very young, isn't that right? You never had a chance to prove yourself, he just left. No questions asked, you cannot blame yourself for something that happened afterwards." "Even after my father left, and during my days at school, I had to prove to mom that I could make it. That he was wrong to leave us the way he did." "This is indeed a heavy burden, and one that happened too early in your life. Do you really want that your father stayed? Even knowing he is the kind of guy that would leave her alone at anytime?" "The problem is that he left and it was my fault, if he left by any other reason, I wouldn't feel as guilty as I do." "That's quite it. If a military father who was expecting a boy to be his soldier had a girl, he would be disappointed? Wouldn't he?" "Yes, I see where you are trying to get..." "It makes sense no? That he left before you ever had a chance to prove yourself, just because you would never do it. You just couldn't satisfy his wishes, it's beyond your reach or anybody reach, so all your fear and dreams are based on this burden." "Is that possible? To spend half a life as boy being a girl? Isn't it too incredible? I can't believe I could make up a entire reality to satisfy that." "Well this is one of the reasons you are here, we use this facility for advanced studies in human behavior, we had cases that resembled yours. People with double personality, which had different genders. People that wanted really bad to be from other gender, this is most common today. Yet, a total immersion in a different gender like you did is kind of unique. Your mind made an entire world for you, one that would make sense and fit for you as a male. Being a male would give you at least a chance to prove your father wrong. Ultimately removing the burden of being responsible for your mother's unhappiness. Unfortunately, this mathematics didn't work out, you paid a high price for your behavior; you had to adapt too much to fit. Also you couldn't make this magic without a combination of symptoms and traits, your mind is at the same time sick and brilliant. The result is a heavily twisted and altered world." "This is really weird doc, but it makes sense. I never really looked at the world as I am looking now, I do think is the medicine. I know now, that my old world was heavily filtered for me." "This is probable, as I told you before we don't have many cases to support your treatment, also that this is the institution for these cases. I believe you are making extraordinary progress. It's impossible to be in your condition without a sum of pathologies and traumas. You'll be on medicine for the rest of your life, most probably." Chapter 4 - A friendly face I woke up for my forth day at the recovery institution; I saw the same world, no new perspectives. I was glad to see no surprises for the morning. Just after I got dressed and made my bathroom necessities someone knocked at the door, and entered, the nurse told me that I had a visitor. Then I saw a quite familiar face, and no hallucination I hoped. Harry, my old pal, It was less than a week that I saw him, yet it was like a year for me, so much has happened since our last meeting. "Hi, I talked to the doctor, he told me that you should be awake by now, how's it going?" "It's quite strange to see you now Harry. You see a week ago you were like a pal for me, and now... Now it's really odd. I really don't know how to feel. I am feeling like a freak now, please don't look at me." I was terribly ashamed, I felt guilty for him too. "I'm here to help, you are no freak, the doctor told me what happened, I am sorry, if only I knew before..." He was crying again. It was always hard for me to see Harry crying, I really thought that was most common between pals. Yet at that time was thinking with new possibilities, I cared a lot about him. And maybe that wasn't so common for good friends. "Please don't cry Harry, I know you are here to help me, not to bring me down, let's walk, the garden here is really nice you know?" I wanted to hug him, but I didn't. It was the walk I needed to regain some strength and to proceed. I felt Harry was still my old friend; we even played like bros again sometimes. I wanted to keep my distance though, no physical contact. He noticed that but tried to keep the conversation flowing, he respected this "condition" I imposed. It was the best morning I had at the place since I arrived. I felt like a normal person after a long time. Soon after lunch Harry was gone. At the afternoon I noticed that it was time for my appointment and no one came to call me. I pressed the button near my bed and the nurse came and explained that the doctor was not going to see me today and was busy. "Looks like I am not so important after all." I decided to try the local gym for some exercises, I've always gone to the gym as a meditation place, ever since school days I tried to keep a good shape. Of course now I knew, that it was due to my parents, and what they expected from me. I couldn't change my way of life completely from one day to another, and I really liked to workout, it may have started for the wrong reasons but I wouldn't just quit because of that. I asked for some training wear for my nurse, she kind of panicked and asked for me to wait a little. She took about half an hour and came back with a common T-shirt and training shorts, a tennis and sport socks. I almost gave up by that time, maybe they were not as professional as they seemed. I entered into the gym, it was located at the recreational building, I noticed that this place was a lot different than I remembered it. I didn't know if that particular gym was different, but due to my past experiences, I knew it was a lot about my mind. Lots of mirrors, with lots of lights, I remembered that place as being quite dark, only the machines were properly illuminated. The reality also changed there; there weren't many people there too. I couldn't expect a different scenario from a mental institution. I started with aerobics, running. I observed much of the complex from there, I could see the swimming pool, which was covered and surrounded by fences, there were also some security guards at the outside. Another man was working out near me. There was also a security guard near the door. Suddenly I felt a look, that man, was looking at me, but not in a way I liked or was used too. I felt embarrassed and tried to look the other way, it was almost impossible to ignore his look. How could I get used to it? It was like he was eating me with his eyes... I decided to leave; I ran back to my room and started to cry. What was happening to me? It was a dark moment; I wished once again to leave, or just to disappear. My world was indeed gone, at that moment I wished hard for a hallucination, none happened. Silverstone was right; maybe I was not having those anymore. I felt a mix of confusion, and worry, Worry for what was going to be of my life from now on, I had no hope of getting used to that kind of look, it was almost aggressive. I had to focus on the problem, and in a solution to it, instead I started to cry more, and I felt completely lost. Just at the beginning of the night, someone knocked at my door and entered, I was not in the mood for visits, yet she didn't ask for permission to enter. Katia entered and saw me crying. I couldn't stop it, but I felt that feeling, that I didn't want to cause any trouble to anyone, I was calling for attention, when I shouldn't, that made me more sad. She approached and put her hand at my shoulder. It was the first time someone touched me after I started to take the medicines. It felt good, the feeling was better now, I never noticed how a well placed hand could help in a moment like that one. My feelings were the ones of a baby at that time. "I know what happened at the gym, the security guard told me, I am sorry..." I didn't notice that my actions were so closely observed, I now knew that I was never alone there, someone would always be watching me. Maybe I was important, as I wanted to be. "You and the others are always looking at me, not that I am complaining, but why I am so important?" "You are more important than you think, I can't really say why, that's up to them, what matters now is that I am here to comfort and help you." She waved a look that made me feel better. I tried to speak again, but she put a finger at my mouth and wouldn't let me speak. I was compelled to obey, then she hugged me, it felt good. I surely felt attracted to Katia; she was no beauty queen like Alicia, but a well-preserved woman, with everything in place. Also I was in no place to bargain, I was a well known loser. I was so sentimental at that time that the real reasons behind Katia's behavior were of no importance. I wanted to be important, to matter to someone, I need a way out, and I found it. She kissed me my lips and towed me into the bed, I was in ecstasy, I forgot everything that happened to me earlier. And my dark moment shifted to a happy one in just seconds. Every time I tried to speak, Katia would express her need to keep quiet, or just ignore me, in time I gave up and just moaned in pleasure. She them removed all my clothes and started to kiss my entire body. Her ability to kiss in different places in just a small amount of times would keep things really interesting. Maybe she was a kind of ninja, or similar, I moaned and orgasmed in pleasure. As she made her magic. She wouldn't stop, and started to play with my penis, I already knew I could do it several times when pressed to the limits, but she was going way beyond my previous explorations. Them started to kiss it, it felt good. I couldn't remember someone playing with me like this, as I orgasmed again I lost sense of time and everything. Not that this was a problem, I just remembered Katia talking to me that I should not tell anyone about this and felt in deep sleep. I dreamed with Harry that night. He was trying to ask me what happened, I couldn't talk; something really bad happened I felt really bad about it. I did something wrong, or someone hurt me, It wasn't clear. Harry kept asking and I was vague and tried to flee. As I ran, I saw my old school colleague Peter behind me, following me close, I tried harder to run more, but I couldn't make it. Total fear waved my mind and body, I fell in some kind of black hole, I screamed in terror. Chapter 5 - I have a secret I woke up screaming, and immediately the nurses entered my room, I rapidly told them it was just a nightmare. What dream, hopefully I wouldn't get much of these. As the nurses went out I started my morning routine, my days were so condensed and the events so connected that this place, was beginning to fell like home. I was having as much experiences and discoveries there as I had during the rest of my life. A mix of anxiety for new emotions and fear for situations like the one at the gym were at my mind. As well as a mix of joy for my night with Katia and fear from my nightmare. Happiness and Pain, maybe that was what was lying at this new world that was taking shape before me. It was raining, that meant I couldn't go out for my daily walk at the garden. Too bad, I turned the TV on. A not so good company, but the only one I had. A couple of hours after lunch, the nurse came in, it was time for my appointment, I remembered my "lovers vow" with Katia. This wasn't right I knew, but I had a debt with her. Also I was looking forward to other experiences with her. How could I expect, I got laid at the last place I would hope. The doctor asked me to sit down as always and started our interview. "I read at my report earlier today looks like you had a busy night, do you want to talk about it?" Gulp, so they had cameras at my room, what was she thinking them? I couldn't hide my face the doctor already knew he got me. And quickly spoke. "We don't have cameras at the rooms, as you might think, we just heard the sounds and saw the small mess at your blankets. If you don't want to talk about it, it's your call, but it appears to be important, these things are all closely related." What a decision, my health or my vow to Katia?? Of course he already knew most of it so I had nothing to lose, so I thought. "Okay, I will talk, I made a promise you know, not to talk about this... She may lose something, or she already did, I do think you have straight policies around here, right?" "You are right about the policies, so tell me, Alicia was there, is that it?" I thought that he was playing games with me, what the hell was happening there? "No, that doctor, Katia, she visited me after the incident at the gym and it just happened. I felt sorry for her, am I some kind of traitor?" "I don't think so, Katia? How does she look like?" "I am not going to give you a complete description so you could just kick her out, that's too much." "Well, I think you'll be glad to know that we don't have a doctor named Katia here. So I won't punish anyone." "Huh!? Katia doesn't exist is that it? Another hallucination? That's too much for me, it was so real, I can't remember one that felt so real doctor." Good, now I was a totally crazy loser again; I thought I was going to stay in that place forever. "Well that's because you really orgasmed, and that was your first orgasm, if I can call it this way. The world has its advantages; an inexperienced mind can't make much for sexual experiences. Don't worry the hallucinations are getting better. You still have them from time to time, but you are no longer misplaced in time and places. This is a very good sign. The bad news is that I fear that the worst part is yet to come." "What do you mean? You just told me that my lover is made by my imagination, what could be worse?" "Sooner or later you have to start thinking of yourself as being a girl. That sounds worse, doesn't it?" "You made your point... Can't I live as a guy? How could you know I am not a transsexual girl, one that should been born as a guy? I've read something about that on the internet." "I thought about this at the beginning of our sessions, but I am convinced this is not your case, and even if that was true, you have to be fully conscious of your actions. You have to make this call once you are cured. You can't just alter yourself to please fears of your mind; your body image would still be distorted. Also you could really hurt yourself with a different body than yours and a delusional mind. Believe me, you have only one path for now, and I know it doesn't sound pleasant." "What do you mean by hurting myself?" "You see, you grew making adaptations to the world, so that you could have your wished body and still live as normal as you can. I think it's clear for you now that your body is not actually your body. If I operated on you, and for example you tried to pee with you actual penis, you could piss all over the bathroom, and still that damage would be invisible for you. The hygienic pattern you are keeping for now is a scenario your mind made during your entire development, if you just change the channel, the result would be catastrophic. I really can't predict what would happen." "I see, tell me something, how could I have a penis, ever since my early youth if I only saw one during my middle puberty?" "You only started having a penis once you saw one, probably more than one, you had to think of it as common part for a male. Before that you had your vagina, and though that was normal for a boy. After you got convinced a boy should have a penis, you made your penis overwrite your main memories of your vagina, others you just forgot. You see your memories are not as realizable as you think. They changed all your life. So that you could be a normal male." "So I have tits, a vagina, I am girl... Or worse I am Alicia, is that correct?" "That is correct." "All my life I've been living as a boy in a crazy dream and delusional pattern, time had no meaning, and reality shifted to please me. What's next, can I have babies?" "That's why you made the physical exams so early, I needed to have these answers, I understand you suffered some trauma please apologize me." "So, Am I a fully functional woman?" "You have periods, don't you?" "What does that mean? Everyone has periods don't they?" "I see we have a lot of ground to cover, males don't have periods, from next week on I will select an Assistant to teach you these things, she will help you with these differences. You are a fully functional woman, you never wore a bra, and that's why your breasts are more aged than they should be. We will get to that in time too. Also you have mixed blonde hair, but I don't have to tell you that, you just imagine Alicia, that's much like you." "Hard to imagine, I think you understand me. One thing is to see a beautiful girl; a completely different one is to imagine yourself as being this girl. And your mind tells you otherwise." Before that session ended I asked the doc permission to use the communications facility, I really could use some research and chats. He made a 1 hour limit; he wanted to keep me from focusing in one activity. Acceptable for now... Chapter 6 - A new dawn It has been six weeks since my early discoveries; things entered a routine after that meeting that made Katia vanish forever. Within few days, I went back to the gym and made my exercises, of course they looked at me, but in time I started to get used to it. The hard part was to start using a bra, Silverstone told me that would be better to start sooner, and with the exercises to see how much damage I caused to them. Of course I can't see nothing yet, Silverstone told me that we are missing one last breakthrough, once again that can happen anytime, or never. I used a bra and had no breasts, I felt like a complete freak at the beginning. The only thing that made it easier was the fact that people would find it normal. I had classes with a young lady named Pamela, she was an assistant to Silverstone, she was studying psychology and was on vacation, it was the right call for me, we were real friends too. She told me some stories about other of Silverstone cases. It appears that the old man is really an expert on the subject after all. Pamela was good company, too bad she was going to leave for university soon. Pamela told me things that were completely new for me, like some differences between males and females that I never knew. It actually repulsed me that the men won't really clean their penis after peeing. I saw books, photos, and took some biology classes. How could anyone let me pass at biology in school with my ideas? The books were the same from my old classes of course I did not remember them. That was not true for some of my memories of school and home. They returned, little by little. Memories of an old discussion with mom, about the prom. And many others. Yet my main memories were still stuck. The path was now clearer to me, he was right, I couldn't live a fake life, I had to discover it all, to let it all go, them make my choice. The classes and the talks would help me with my life with any path I made, so I was really interested. During our on going therapy, we explored my desire for women, and noticed it was mainly related to my concept of a male. That did not meant anything; just that I had not discovered my sexual orientation until then. I really never had a chance to choose. We also explored much of the relationship with my parents, the doctor was trying to find once again a gap to a breakthrough, but as much as we talked about home, it seamed to go nowhere. I also started to chat at the Internet; there I met all kind of people. It's almost a complete industry to gender related issues. Quite impressive. One could spend months there and still find completely new information. I got to know my nurse better, as my illusory lover once told me, they were not so bad. Andrea, was happy to see that I was getting happier with myself. The people of the facility had interesting traits too, this was the place for unique cases, I met a man that guaranteed to me that this facility was controlled by an all mighty big brother, and that we were conditioned in a nightly basis to fulfill his wishes. He was wearing a red colored uniform. I found out that the patients were color-coded based on their level of clearance and danger to others. Red was the worse, I was still blue, those almost cured wore light green. The patients were kept in separate floors, so the damage a red one could cause wouldn't spread. The extremely violent ones were transferred from the facility to other kinds of institutions. It appeared that the place was totally focused at unique and new cases in human behavior as Silverstone once told me. But it was also clear that dangerous patients wouldn't be welcome there. After some weeks, some odd things that happened to me before started to take shape; the green slime at my door for instance was really my name Alicia. My mind clouded it before in an attempt to protect me. These clouded thoughts that followed me during my entire life always protected me from the true reality. It wasn't worse or better, my life was a uniform line, no great emotions. Yet, I had my moments, I can't say I had much of them, but I had my objectives, and some problems too. For me I had a real friend, a real love that was always unreachable. I had a life, it was different from most, but it was a life, not a dream. Katia was my mind's last attempt to escape; it never happened again, I was always on medicine too. I thought a combo of medications and treatment made my actual state of mind possible. When I was making my routine walk at the campus nearing the second month at the installation, I saw once again a familiar face. Harry, my friend and (at least for me) secret admirer came to visit me once again. I was glad to see him, as I was before, but he got me at better moment this time. I felt sorry for him, as he was still my pal, and only that. Harry approached; he couldn't hide his happiness for seeing me. He hugged me; I made no real complaints about that. Still, I tried to keep a distance afterwards. "Hi Alicia, you better?" "Well, it's kind of odd to hear you calling me by that name, but I guess it's okay... I am getting better yes." "The doctor told me, he also told me how hard you've been working to catch up with the world." "You couldn't imagine how this feels, so how is the real world?" "Things are quite boring without you around, I hope you don't take this as an offense, but you made life quite interesting. I never knew what you were going to say, or what your next move would be. Now my routine is just damn simple. Go to work, wake up, and nothing really good to do. Everything we made together sounded like a real adventure, not a fake one." "No offense, I can only imagine what I did, some of the actions you are talking about are just gaps in my mind. Hopefully, with time and treatment they will come back, and we will laugh together at them." "You sure sound better, I couldn't imagine such a tone coming from you before." We once again walked, this time I showed him some of the facilities I used to go. The gym, the Internet room, and others. Harry couldn't disguise his expectation to see me out of there, but I knew I had a lot of ground to cover. Deep in my heart I also feared the world, I knew the reality that was waiting for me out there was not the same. I wouldn't be able to hide in dreams any longer. If I were to get out of there, Harry would play an important role. I was really glad to see my friend, my name though sounded really strange, especially coming from Harry's mouth. As the morning passed he tried to keep the conversation as light as he could. I noticed that my perception of our dialogue was different, clearer, the filter was surely off. That was a good feeling but once again made me worried about the outside world, I really didn't knew what to expect. Silverstone already told me that the general people reactions would be entirely new, I never accepted people looking at me as they would do to a girl. So I never saw it, but now was going to be different... Once I arrived at my appointment for the day, I saw Harry standing next to Silverstone. It was quite an odd vision; Harry was a really big guy, Silverstone an old thin figure. It resembled something like the mad doctor and his helper, funny, as I smiled, the doctor hailed me. "I see you are happy, today, that's good, because we have a lot of ground to cover." "You two are talking, I can only imagine what's about. I sure don't remember it..." I was more comfortable with my situation. A scenario like this one would worry the hell out of me before. "Maybe you do remember, at this point I am quite convinced the answer we are looking does not reside within your parents, we surely made a lot of progress there though." "So what's your Idea?" "Harry told me a lot about the events that surrounded your life during school time, maybe our answer lies there, I should ask for him to leave us alone now." As Harry left, Silverstone reviewed some of his notes. "You had a colleague at school, Peter, during one of our first sessions you told that he hurt Alicia, when you still thought of yourself as another person. Isn't that correct?" "Yes, I remember this event quite faintly now, my memories about Alicia got quite mixed up lately." "Well, you said that Alicia dated him, and that she was crying because of him the next day at the gym. You interfered with Harry to try to solve things. You also described to the doctor that you first received a dream, with a clear image of Peter having sex with Alicia. What are your feelings about this?" "Well, I still remember talking to Harry, but I really can't say the details. I did feel some bad emotions during that day, at first I linked these emotions to the image of my perfect love crying at the gym, but now I think they are related to Peter." The feelings kind of came back to me at that moment, I was sad and ashamed, the reason was not yet clear. "That was a bad day, as you tell me, but what about the night before, can you tell me what happened?" "Not really I really don't remember anything from that night. Yet I feel bad about it. I really hated Peter, otherwise I wouldn't get upset by him." "It appears that you indeed dated Peter the night before, and that something rather unpleasant happened, am I right?" Alicia with Peter... During my entire life I thought of that moment as a high point for my looser career. The girl I always wanted went out with some dumbass. The feelings and memories of the exact moment were all mixed up. But I always bought in Alicia with Peter to reinforce to me that I was a loser. The only thing that made me feel better about that scene was the way Harry handled it. "Yes I do think so, I really can't describe or remember it, but I feel really bad about it, so bad I carried it over to school, and in someway I carry this burden now." "Why is that? Why do you blame yourself?" Even as loser I had a problem, I really couldn't tell my mom how incompetent I was, just because I cared too much for her. I also couldn't think of myself as anything different from a complete failure. So I just saved that secret for me. "I never wanted to cause trouble to anyone. I would make everyone that surrounded me unhappier by making clear that I couldn't avoid trouble. I just wanted to forget it." "And so you did, the price was very high though. You always tried your best, and even more than that to keep your problems out of home, but by maneuvering like this you made your problems worse for everyone, especially for you. The best way to handle our problems is to deal with them. Now that you are no longer delusional you need to focus on that. It may sound hard at the beginning, but you can't carry heavy burdens the rest of your life, not without paying too much." "You are right as most times, still that night haunts me, is this the only way?" At that time I really wanted another way out. Reason was beginning to fade, like it had not in a long a time, even my old hallucinations would be welcome at that time. I've felt an impulse to run out of there... I used my last remnants of will to stay; the doctor quickly noticed I was losing focus. "No one told you that this would be easy, you accepted my challenge when you arrived. I am sorry to say, that this is a part of the real world, you won't be traveling in dreams anymore. You won't just erase what's happening here or immerse yourself in a wave of temporary pleasure. If you want to live a real life, like I think you do, you must be strong, and if you must, just trust me." That was the first time the doctor touched our link of trust, he made a real good job to establish that, and now he was using it to try to reach me. At the time that thought really wasn't near my mind. The doctor told me otherwise but I wanted to vanish, like I did so many times before. I was crying and losing it for sure. I tried but I never did anything like that in my entire life... "It was... terrible... He made me do it..." I collapsed and lost senses. Chapter 7 - Who's Alicia I woke up, my mind was clouded, some new data flew through. Lot's of new information, I knew who I was, where I was. I now had two distinct patterns of memories, one that were with me before, and a new one, Memories that made a lot of sense, and made reference to my name, family, and mostly my gender. I sat down on my bed and started to link them, and build, not the real world Silverstone liked to talk about, nor my fake world, but a new one. One that was based on both realities that made sense for me and my life possible. My last dinner with Harry, came to mind, the dialogs now contained my name, it was still the same situation. He always called me by my name, but I blocked it. The kindness he always showed to me was not common for pals, like I thought; he treated me like a gentleman. I really liked it but translated those feelings to "good friend" ones, this is why I appreciated a friendship in a way most people would find strange. Now those memories were linking themselves and I was kind of entertained to find new meaning in my life during old situations. Several times girls accused me of being a lesbian, including the arcade scene. I acted like a complete fool sometimes, at others I acted like "a lesbian girl ahead of her time". Now I saw how I brought problems into home, and knew what Silverstone was meaning by causing more trouble trying to bury the problems than dealing with them. Several times mom asked me if I just couldn't be a normal girl, she just cried at others. Alicia was a girl with problems, serious problems; she really thought she was a guy. But sometimes, her mind escaped this altered reality and acted like a simple girl, during these brief moments she looked for guys, wore dresses, and acted like a girl should act. It was like a dream in a dream; these special moments were heavily guarded by her troubled mind during her normal state. She saw these moments as hallucinations and illusions. Sometimes they were pleasant, during other times she faced rejection and mistreatment, you can't really change your behavior from one day to another. People would react in different ways to this, as she tried for a school colleague once, she felt rejected, the guy wouldn't date a lesbian. The problem is that I was this troubled girl; suddenly I knew what happened during these two stages. My memories were misplaced during these little moments, but my feelings were real, when "Alicia" had a good time, I saw a good image one that made miracles for me, when "Alicia" had a bad time, I had nightmares, visions that made me feel bad. Not only the feelings from the moment, but also the feelings I carried with me, were made by my fake life as a boy, and my secret life as a girl. I felt rejected, really rejected my entire life, I didn't try for too many girls to carry that weight in rejection. I carried Alicia's failures too. I also carried Alicia's biggest trauma with me, well hidden, but one that made my life worse. Some of my memories with hallucinations and time travel met a counterpart. I clearly remember my clitoris play when I was with Katia during that "lovers" night. I also remember a talk with a man that resided at my floor in the hospital; I was trying to conquer him. I didn't care he was a nurse at that place, but I really needed it at that time. This one paired with my lost of time sense I had at my bed at the beginning. That made sense with the interview Silverstone made that day; he was surely talking about it. I was so troubled trying to put my mind in order that I almost missed a main event from that morning. I looked down, and saw Alicia's body, the real thing. My long half blonde hair now made his presence clear near my shoulder. My breasts were not exactly like I remembered then, they jiggled and appeared kind of loose. I noticed the weight, but not without a particular effort to do so, the memories I brought from Alicia made this body, quite familiar. And her memories were much clearer than my regular ones, her actions made perfect sense, I compared her decisions with the ones I would take, and they mostly matched. I noticed that some of my attributes remained the same, like height, eyes, body hair. My legs were always shaped like that; I never noticed how feminine they looked. But I had a vagina, when I noticed that part; I remembered my orgasmic capabilities as a female. Of course, these memories made some odd references to some of the most pleasant hallucinations I ever had. One memory that remembered a great feeling was the day that I met "Alicia" at the mall arcade. What really happened made me kind of like being who I am. Maybe I wasn't some looser after all, I could make it, given the right conditions. The fear I had for the world diminished, I was really discovering everything about Alicia during that morning. I also remembered the day mom moved to Detroit, and how she left crying, she sent me some money every month, but of course that memory was well hidden. It was a sad to see mom leaving, mostly because she couldn't handle my behavior anymore. Her education would make difficult for her to seek the professional help I needed, also I always made special resistance to doctors. Our relationship deteriorated to a point we couldn't handle... It all started with the incident with Peter. After that my condition got worse than ever. After more than a couple of hours trying to bring order to my mind, I just went to the bathroom, as I just couldn't hold it any longer. With my real body, by the first time I knew who I was. Some of my memories were still clouded, I knew it, and I still had some doubts about the illusions I saw. I was no longer fearful of going outside, but I would need a great deal of help to make it. I had some of my "escape" memories, but I still thought, as a guy should, sometimes, I felt sick about thinking of men. The mix of feelings was there, just more behaved... More clearly organized. I opened the door guarding Alicia, surely the main one, my doubts now resided with the path I would choose. I did not reject my body, I was glad to have a real one; Silverstone was right about the limited capacity of my mind to make situations and experiences. But I had to achieve balance; I had to find out what was true about me in the old "Alicia" and my old self. There was no simple answer to that question. To be continued...