Kate, Part 3 free porn video

Kate, Part 3 By Ricky So I once again had a case of the nerves to cope with, this meeting the family stuff just seemed to keep going and going and going. Had it only been a month since Kate started to become real? As far as I could tell, the only looks I got were because of my height; Steph got just as many as I did when we were out together. I felt perfectly comfortable out in public lunching at McDonalds (Chicken salad and no fries, I wasn't about to have to go shopping because I outgrew my new wardrobe) or walking the aisles of the Wegmans for groceries, even if I did avoid the restrooms if I could. Besides, the Wegmans had a display of earrings that I had to stop at whenever I visited. Wearing earrings was fun! I was getting quite a collection of them and even had to get a jewelry case to keep them in. Comfortable, that was the word. I truly felt comfortable as Kate. Even on the hot, sticky days in the garden wearing a bra was comfortable. When it was really hot the forms sometimes bothered me and I fantasized about how nice it would be to have real breasts, but I simply loved the feel of a bra around my chest. When we had bought my new wardrobe, we had gotten several pairs of shorts and slacks, but I seldom wore them away from the house. I know it made me a bit unusual, but I had fallen in love with skirts. When there was work to be done around the house or in the garden, I was practical and wore slacks, but if there wasn't I put on a skirt or a dress. I noticed that Steph had started to wear skirts more often as well; I seemed to have awakened her interest in the feminine along with my own. There's a wonderful freedom in having a skirt brushing your bare legs that just doesn't happen in shorts. Which brings me back to dressing for dinner with the family. I wanted to agonize for what I was going to wear, but Steph wouldn't put up with it. "Let's go all out and wear those matching outfits you bought the night I seduced you. They'll go nicely with our engagement rings." "So the plan is to just beat them over the head with it and cart the bodies off before they revive?" "Too much trouble. We'll leave them on the sofa until they can go upstairs under their own power and be properly scandalized with each other. Shall we serve breakfast in our nightgowns and really rub it in? "Not in the nightgown you gave me, that's for private consumption only." "Don't worry, I'll consume what you have to offer before I let you out of bed. Just don't wake up the kids when you come." "No problem, I'll just make sure I have my mouth full of you when it happens. It should muffle the noise." "I like the way you think, you have a solution for every problem." "Not every problem, not by a long shot. I'm sure that the next few days will present me with a few we haven't thought of." "Now see how kind I am to have removed one of your problems and told you what to wear? Could you help me with some makeup tonight?" "Lose a problem, gain a problem. Sure I'll help, but I'm still learning." "You know more than I do, anyway. Deb is one of those women who never leave the house without a perfect makeup job. She never really approved of me too much." "Maybe I'll provide her with a distraction." "I'm sure you will. Now get dressed, they'll be here in an hour." So I went all out, shaving legs and face, padding, waist cincher (I couldn't resist it when I found it on the net, but it gets uncomfortable after a while.), the green leafy dress and full makeup. I was so used to doing my own face by then, it took some concentration to reverse things for Stephanie. She surprised me by having bought fresh makeup especially for the evening, I began to wonder if there wasn't some kind of friction between her and Tom's wife Deb. She hadn't told me much about her, even though I had heard stories of everyone else in the family by then. The nervous part started once we were dressed and puttering around with the last minute things before our guests arrived. I jumped when the doorbell rang. "Who gets it, you or me?" I asked. "Let's face this together." She was worried, but it turned out to be a false alarm. It was Lucy and Bernie, this time with their kids. I was introduced as Aunt Kate! That was a real kick. "You ladies are both stunning!" exclaimed Bernie and proceeded to kiss us both. Karen, the fifteen year old, had a twinkle in her eye and was trying very hard to achieve a sophisticated, worldly demeanor in the face of her dad kissing a guy who was dressed as a girl. She didn't do too badly under the circumstances. I couldn't help noticing that her mother's genetics had passed to her, her breasts jutted prominently in front of her. "Thank you, Bernie. You're looking pretty nice yourself." "Karen, take note. That's how a proper lady reacts to a compliment, even when I'm wearing a T-shirt and jeans. I didn't realize it was a formal affair, or I would have put on the jeans without the holes in them." "Bernie, you're a gentleman no matter what you're wearing," I told him. "Can we go play in the barn, Pops?" Apparently the exchange of compliments was boring ten-year-old Ben. "Sure, just be careful, kids." They were gone in a flash. "So, are we going to tell them before supper and ruin their appetites or wait 'till they've eaten and give them indigestion?" "Bernie!" There was that echo effect again. I wondered how Tom managed to cope with two sisters so perfectly in tune? "I thought we'd just put 'Tootsie' on the DVD player, and I'd start kissing Steph at the right spot and see if they can figure it out for themselves." "Katherine!" Oh-oh. Katherine, was it? "We will tell my brother and his wife in a dignified and refined manor. You can kiss me like that when you take me to bed." "See you folks!" I took Steph's hand and was pulled up short. "Behave yourself!" "Do you hear an echo in here, Bernie? Must be something to do with this old house." "Reminds me of when we were kids, they did that to me all the time. I had to marry one of them to keep them apart and get a little peace." "Bernie!" They were a little out of sync this time; laughing does that to your timing. "Come in and sit down. Have some wine. Dinner is all taken care of, so all we have to do is wait for everybody to arrive." So we talked a while and I almost forgot what we were waiting for. Bernie is a very funny guy and knows how to lighten up a mood. I didn't even jump when the doorbell rang. "Come in, Hilda, you don't have to ring the bell. We've used up all our surprises," I greeted her. "I should hope so. Tom's right behind me, Kate. I think I'm going to enjoy seeing someone else go through this." "Mother Hilda, that sounds positively wicked." "Doesn't it though? So we went through the usual greeting ritual again, including Ben and Karen who had come in from the barn when they heard the car in the driveway. Steph had been right, Deb did have a perfect makeup job, and I was glad we had opted to go all out ourselves. Deb gave me a weak squeeze on the hand as we were introduced and did the same for Stephanie. As she let go her eyes widened. "Stephanie! Is that an engagement ring?" "Like it?? She held her hand up prettily. ?It sure is!" "Congratulations, sis!" her brother said. "When do we get to meet him?" "That gets a little complicated, I'll fill you in after dinner. Everything's ready." So, we were opting for indigestion. With a bit of shuffling and dancing, we all ended up around the large table in the dining room as Stephanie and I brought out the dinner. While Tom and Deb seemed a bit reserved, it may have been only in comparison to the outgoing Lucy and Bernie. Funny how one family can produce such different personalities. The kids took off for the barn immediately after dessert, leaving the adults to themselves, not to mention the dishes. Seven people did make the old farm kitchen a bit crowded, but we sure set a record in cleanup. "Now why couldn't you children have done it like this when you were younger?" asked Hilda as she placed the dishtowel on the hanger. "Because I knew if I did a lousy job on the dishes you'd get exasperated and do them for me, Mom." answered Tom. "Was I that easy to get around?" "Still are. OK, the dishes are done, I want to hear all about who Stephanie is marrying," he replied. "Come on. Kate." Bernie put his arm around me and guided me into the living room. "I'm looking forward to the show!" "Bernie, that's a strange comment even for you," exclaimed Deb. "All we want to know is what kind of guy got Steph to say 'yes' after all these years." "And therein lies the drama, my dear sister-in-law. Sit yourself down, you're going to need it." As a professor of English, I think it would be best for the plot of this narrative to spare you further repetition of how we explained the situation; it didn't differ all that much from the first two times. Even with Bernie's sense of humor, the audience this time wasn't so receptive. Tom simply looked shell-shocked and Deb was so pickle faced not even her perfect makeup could help. The funny thing was, Hilda seemed to be enjoying the whole scene. My future in-laws grudgingly accepted my presence, but Deb had one more problem. "Stephanie, I can't stop you from doing what you like, but I would prefer my children not be exposed to this." At which Bernie started to laugh. "Deb, do you honestly think there's a chance either of them will get through this weekend without finding out what's happening? Unless I miss my guess, the first thing out of Karen's mouth was the complete story with all the gory details. She takes her cultural diversity pretty seriously and hasn't quite left the black and white world of childhood. For that matter, she knew more about the difference between gender and sex than I did. If you're still confused, talk to her; she'll give you an earful." "This kind of thing is not suitable for children, Bernie." "Perhaps, but I think your offspring would be considered 'young adults' these days; you have to let go sometime or they'll leave you behind anyway. Next semester Julia starts college ? she could easily end up in Professor Kate's class." "Don't borrow trouble, Bernie. Is she going to Brockport?" I asked. "You are a professor at Brockport?" Deb's tone put a chill in the warm summer air. "Yes, I am." The phrase 'being outed' suddenly had a new clarity to me. It had once seemed so simple to keep Kate and Steve in separate worlds. "And they allow this kind of behavior in their staff?" "I'm not sure 'allow' is the correct word, Deb. The college has a formal, written policy of tolerance for gay, lesbian and transgender people. They really do have a commitment to the diversity of humanity." How far that commitment would go is something I didn't want to test. I had no wish to appear on campus as Kate, yet something in her voice made me want to stick out my tongue and scream "Nyah...Nyah...Nyah, you intolerant bitch!" Fortunately Kate was me and I was Kate, and she would never do something as childish ? in public. "Darling, Academia is a very different place from the world we live in," temporized Tom. "But our daughter...." She couldn't continue. "Will find the same thing at any campus these days," Tom finished for her. "I can't say that I approve, but we have to let her make her own decisions and hope we have shown her how to choose wisely. Compared to sex and drugs and alcohol, this seems to be less than an earthshaking problem." "Thank you, Tom. I think. I suppose I should be flattered to come out ahead of most common vices." "I don't think there is anything common about you, Kate," Stephanie announced. "I wouldn't be marrying you otherwise." "I suppose two brides would make the ceremony far from common, big sister. You are even crazier than I thought." Tom was having a hard time getting his mind around the concept. "Thomas, of course there won't be two brides, your mother wouldn't stand for it," Hilda butted in. "We've already started planning for the ceremony, haven't we, Kate? Since you've opted to wear the wedding gown, Stephanie is going to wear a tux, Tom. Have you asked Bernie if he'll be your Matron of Honor yet?" I was going to have to kill her. It was funny, but I was going to have to do something very drastic. Trouble was, I couldn't come up with anything dire enough on short notice. It had to be Jump On Tom night for Hilda to make such a suggestion. "I'd be honored, Kate. Why should you be the only crazy one in the family? Can I borrow one of your bras, Lucy?" I was going to have to line them up for execution. "Silly, my bras won't fit you. I'm sure Kate buys her own bras, so you can do the same. Can we wear crushed velvet tuxes, Steph? I always liked the way crushed velvet looks." I was going to have to contract out the job. Three would be beyond my means. "Thomas, I think it's time we retire," Deb demanded. "I don't see any point in continuing this discussion." Whew, maybe I should hire Deb for the job, she'd freeze them solid at twenty paces. Nice to keep these things in the family. "Perhaps you're right, dear. Things might look better in the morning." Things didn't look any better at six in the morning. I woke up before the sun did so I wasn't able to see much of anything, let alone a light at the end of the tunnel. We had talked far into the night, trying to make sense of what was happening. I was ready to give up and let Kate fade away, but Steph was adamant that a couple of grouchy siblings were not going to deprive her of her girlfriend or her husband. I've heard of sibling rivalry, but this was the first time I had encountered it. Maybe everyone should grow up an only child. Life would be simpler. I have the kind of brain that keeps going in circles under stress. If she was able to find relief in oblivion, then I wished her the best, but I was wide awake and wasn't going to lie there watching the digital clock change numbers any longer. I realized I couldn't just go out in my nightgown with guests in the place, but do you know how hard it is to get dressed in the dark without waking someone? I guess I wasn't as awake as I thought. I realized after groping through my lingerie drawer in the dark that the light next to the dresser had a dimmer on it, so I turned it up enough to see colors and found a bra and my padded panties. I grabbed one of my casual dresses and, wishing the old farmhouse had a bathroom attached to the bedroom, I crept across the hall to shower and shave and do some minimal makeup so I could keep up appearances. Electrolysis had a certain appeal in the predawn light that morning. I padded out to the mailbox and retrieved the paper, then sat on the sofa and caught up on the latest calamities in the world. They were still blowing up people in several countries, the usual politicians were telling the usual terrorists they couldn't win, while the sports types were denying they used drugs, and the economy was doing fine even if everyone was unemployed. A perfectly normal day. "Good morning, Aunt Kate" "Good morning, Julia. I take it you couldn't sleep, either." "I have to be up for soccer practice about now, and I haven't managed to get on a summer schedule yet. I like your dress, Aunt Kate." "Why, thank you, Julia. I haven't had many compliments for wearing a dress lately. She giggled. "I bet Mom must have done her Ice Queen routine when she found out." "So Karen told you that I'm really a man, right?" "Is it true?" "That's very sweet of you, but yes, it's true. Does it bother you?" "I don't think so. I kind of wondered when I met you, but if Karen hadn't said anything I don't think I would have really thought about it too much. Don't tell Mom, but I did a project on gender roles for school, and I met a couple of female impersonators." "I'm just an amateur, Julia. The whole thing started as kind of a joke, but I found I like being Kate. A lot of people won't understand that." "Like Mom. I don't want to get too personal, Aunt Kate, but what is it about being a woman that makes you want to dress like one? "You know what, Julia? Most of the family has been very accepting, but you're the first one who has asked that question." "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to intrude." She stammered. "No, I'm glad you did. I'll try to answer it, but I'm not so sure I know the answer." "That seems funny. Do you like being a man?" "It's not so much liking or disliking; I simply grew up as a man and never had any reason to think about it. I enjoy women like most men do as far as I can tell, but I never really thought about becoming one. I've always admired things that most people consider feminine, like building consensus and empathy, but I have a pretty strong independent streak and can get pretty stubborn about doing things my way sometimes." "Then why did you decide to try being a woman?" "It wasn't so much a decision as the result of circumstances. How well do you know your Aunt Stephanie?" "Not too well, Mom and Dad are kinda embarrassed by her. They won't tell me why, but she did something that upsets them." "You need to talk to your Aunt Steph sometime about her first marriage. I won't go into details now, but she married a Saudi man who mistreated her badly. She couldn't see why her parents were worried; not because he was a foreigner, but because he treated her like property. When the marriage failed she did some stupid things. Sex, drugs and rock 'n roll kind of things." "Really?" "Yeah, really. It's her story to tell so ask her. Anyway, she doesn't trust men all that much as a result." So I told her the story of the horseshit, and how I ended up in Steph's robe, then wearing her panties. The funny thing was how easy it was to talk about it, just two women sharing life stories. No embarrassment, no fuss, just sharing. I was curious and asked her to tell me about her gender role project at school. The conversation brought me back to my own youth, to those late nights when we would gather in someone's basement and explore the ultimate meaning of the universe and probe Truth And Beauty endlessly. There was a subtle change in attitude as Kate, one that let the differences in our ages melt away. Julia was a wonderful young woman who had a great deal of empathy and was truly interested in how I felt and why I wanted to dress as a woman. The thrust of our conversation was slightly different than the times Steph and I had approached the subject. With us, there was an assumption that this was the right thing for us; with Julia, we explored WHY it was the right thing, what made it so compelling that I would defy the conventions of our society to do it. I realized that the core of her interest was in the way I had chosen to defy the expectations of those around me, to question the assumptions I had been taught and find a way that was right for me. "I think that may be the simplest definition of maturity, Julia. When you realize that you alone are responsible for what you make of your life. Your parents and teachers and all of society have tried to show you what is right or wrong, but in the end you have to judge for yourself. That's a hard thing to do at any age. Your parents seem to have some pretty strong values, but I think you are starting to question them, right?" "Sometimes they can get pretty preachy." "Try being a professor sometime, it's a constant battle not to start preaching. I know it's sometimes hard to remember that they love you and only want the best for you, so you should give their ideas a fair hearing. Most of what they say will make a lot of sense, some of it won't. The hard part is some things that don't make sense right now will make a lot of sense later, when you have more experience with life. "Most parents try to help their kids jump over the hard parts by telling them what not to do. That's human nature, but there's no substitute for you own experience. Grandma Hilda knew that Steph was doing something dumb when she married the guy and tried to save her the pain, but Aunt Steph had to learn a lot of lessons the hard way, and it cost her many years of agony to realize that her parents really were concerned for her and not just being racists or prudes. "Sometimes it takes a great deal of time to realize what's right. I'm in my forties now, and until a month or so ago I had no idea how much of me was what society considers feminine. I thought I was perfectly happy as a man, but I had never made a real connection with another person. I told you the whole thing started as a joke, but by playing at being Stephanie's girlfriend I found just what was missing from my life. All I can say is if you keep your mind open and try new things, someday you'll find what is right for you. It's going to be different from what's right for everyone else, so don't be scared when other people don't approve. Just remember that they might have more experience than you in dealing with new ideas." "No easy answers, are there, Aunt Kate?" "There never have been. The Christians have something when they talk about the easy road leading to Hell." "Can I come and see you when I'm in school, Aunt Kate?" "Of course, but I'll be Uncle Stephen by then. I enjoy being Kate, but I think Stephen is ? well I can't say 'the real me,' but at least it's what I'm used to being. No doubt Stephen will be a different person from what I'm learning as Kate." "How do you manage to keep it all straight?" "Your Aunt Steph told me to check what underwear I have on before deciding who I am." She dissolved into real laughter at the joke. "Uncle Steve wouldn't be wearing a bra, right?" "Nor padded panties nor stockings. Those are some pretty good clues." "I wondered how you got your curves." "They came from an Internet catalog and were delivered by mail. It does take the glow off the image sometimes, but after a while I don't notice the padding and just feel like Kate. Your female impersonator friends probably have a much more sophisticated version of what I use." "Actually, they both had surgery, and there was no way to tell their breasts weren't natural. I saw them at the strip club, and please don't let my folks know." "Wait a minute! Where did you find a female impersonator strip show in Rochester?" "Not in Rochester, silly. It was New Orleans." "I suppose you can find anything in the Big Easy, but how did you manage to get into a strip show in New Orleans without your parents finding out?" "Because I left them home. I talked them into letting me to Mardi Gras with a friend's family. Her cousin works there, and he got us in for free and introduced us to the girls. You won't tell anyone, will you?" "Julia, anything we talk about is our business, and I'm not spilling any secrets to your parents" "Thanks, Aunt Kate. Anyway, they sure looked like girls, even with their clothes off." "You did this all in the spirit of pure academic research, I assume?" "Of course." She really had a nice giggle. "I used the whole experience for my project much later. Some of the girls even let me interview them on the phone when I got serious about doing the project right." "I suspect some of my colleagues have managed to turn their outside interests into academic projects in a big hurry when they got caught. You may have a bright future as a professor, Julia." "Is that what you'll do if someone from the college finds out about Kate?" "I never thought of that. Quite frankly, until your mother brought it up last night, I assumed that Kate would stay quite separate from my life at the college. Of course, we assumed that no one would know that Kate was anything but Stephanie's friend and she would disappear into oblivion at the end of the summer. It's not quite working out that way." "What would happen if Mom made a fuss with your dean or something?" "I really don't know. We do have a policy about transgendered people at the college, but I never thought it would affect me. When the E-mail popped up on my computer, I thought it was just one more piece of junk mail that the administration sent to justify the big bucks they're paid. I don't think they'd fire me, but I'm not tenured. I suppose they might not renew my contract if too many people got upset." "If they do, I'll organize a demonstration on campus." "Let's not go there quite yet. Kate is still just a middle-aged woman living on a farm and has nothing to do with academia." "Don?t ask ? don't tell, is it?" "That seems to be working just about as well for me as it does the military. Too many people know the truth about Kate as it is." "I hope Mom doesn't make trouble. She still thinks I'm a little kid sometimes. I bet she wanted to make sure I didn't know about you." "You do know your mother well. She wasn't pleased when we didn't agree. Besides, if the other kids know, then you should know. How's your brother taking it? "I'm not sure. He doesn't talk about his feelings much. He's kind of like dad ? ignore it and it will go away." "This might be a situation where ignoring the unpalatable will make life run more smoothly. I think we ought to make breakfast, and we can talk more later, OK? I'm hearing stirrings upstairs." "Sure. I hear you're a pretty good cook." "That's one of those things you'll have to decide for yourself." Deb did not look pleased to find us together in the kitchen, but what could she do about it? Banana pancakes were the order of the day, courtesy of a bunch of very ripe bananas in the kitchen. Julia was as competent in the kitchen as her aunt, and her brother Tony volunteered to flip pancakes and let me eat after he consumed the first batch. The conversation was a bit stilted, but at least it was civil. We were just collecting the dirty dishes when a horn sounded in the yard ? Lucy and Bernie in their catering truck. "Everybody still speaking to each other?" Bernie inquired as he came into the kitchen. "At least until you got here," Steph replied tartly. "You wound me, sister of mine!" "Don't tempt me. You're safe until after the tent is up, anyway." "Slave driver. So what's the plan here?" "The plan is for us ladies to go pick cherries for the pies, and you men can put up the tent." General Stephanie was ordering the troops for battle. "Oy vey! I really am going to have to start wearing a bra too, if it gets me out of swinging a sledge hammer." "If you could hit the stake on the head more than once in every three swings, it would make the job a lot faster, brother in law. You need all the practice you can get." "I shall save a wooden stake with your name on it for your cold, cold heart, my loving sister. You have to sleep sometime." "You'd miss that one, too, and I'd wake up before it did any damage. Come on, ladies, we'll let the gentlemen cope with the dishes and see if they can handle it." The six of us that were currently considered ladies soon filled Deb's station wagon. Was it chance that put me in the middle of the seat next to Deb or was I finagled? I'm not sure who was more uncomfortable for the next ten minutes as we made our way to the Hurd Orchards, me or her. "Who's picking the sweets and who has the sours?" Steph asked as we pulled in at the stand. "Karen and I can show Aunt Kate where the sweet cherries are, while you old folks go and be sour together," offered Julia. "Julia, I...." Deb was quickly overruled by her sister-in-law. "That sounds like a good plan, Julia. Do you think the two of you can keep Karen from eating so many cherries she gets sick?" "Aw, c'mon, Aunt Steffie. I was a little kid then; I know better now." "How many cherries do we need, Steph?" I asked. "Let me get you the containers. Just fill them up and wait for us to get back." "You're abandoning me with these two angels?" "Cope with it. The sour cherries are a couple of miles down the road. You can have a tea party in the flower house while you wait." So we went through the now familiar ritual of weighing the containers, and I was left with the girls. "Jeez, Julia, I thought your mother was going to have a kitten. She doesn't like Aunt Kate much, does she?" "She doesn't really know me, Karen," I temporized. "I think she's afraid I might molest you or something. You read an awful lot in the paper these days about children being sexually assaulted." "But you're almost related to us. You wouldn't do that." "Of course I wouldn't, but most of the people who sexually assault children are family or friends of the family. That's a scary thought for a mother who's leaving her child with a man wearing a dress." "Oh. I didn't think of that." "It's a shame we have to think that way, but that's the way it is. Enough of the scary stuff, we're here to pick cherries. Show me where the picking is best." "Let's start with the dark ones, they're closest." So we picked cherries and even got a few into the pail instead of our mouths. Actually, after a couple of dozen, you kind of lose interest in eating them. There were dark black ones, bright red ones, and blushing pink ones. They all had names, but I don't really remember them. When we got to the red cherries, it was obvious we were not the first to pick them; unlike the darker ones, the red ones at ground level were gone, and we had to get up higher to pick them. There were ladders scattered throughout the orchard, so Julia and Karen brought one over to our chosen tree. They were funny ladders, with a very wide base that narrowed as the steps got higher. I assume that made them easier to get up into the cherry trees. The back of the ladder came to a point that easily penetrated the ground, so it wouldn't slip. I began to regret not having changed out of my dress before we left the house. Oh, well. Nobody here but us chickens, so up I went. "I see London, I see France," the familiar chant floated up to me in the leafy precincts of the cherry tree. "I see Auntie's underpants, and they're pink!" Karen was absolutely correct. "Watch it, kid, or I'll accidentally drop this bucket of cherries on your head." "Ooh! Threats!" "Then I'll make you cut the pits out of all of them while I relax, you little hellion." "Big deal, we got a pitting machine, and I probably have to do it anyhow." No way to win this one, so I went back to picking cherries. We filled our allotted containers, and I paid for the booty, still getting a little thrill in opening my purse and taking out the money. I took advantage of some of their baked goods, and we settled at a table in the small shelter to enjoy them while we waited for the others. Gradually I became aware that Karen was studying me closely. "You look like you have a question, Karen." "Nah." "The why do I feel like a bug under a microscope? Go ahead and tell me what's on your mind. If the question is am I really a man then the answer is yes." "I know that it's just..." "It's just that I have to be pretty weird to be doing this, right?" "She's cool, Karen," Julia encouraged. "We talked for a long time this morning." "Karen, I want you to be able to ask me anything you want. If it's none of your business, I'll tell you; otherwise fire away." "Are you really sleeping with Aunt Stephanie?" "Me and my big mouth. We share the same bed, and the rest is none of your business. Are you sleeping with anyone?" "OK, I get it." "I'll talk about sex as long as it doesn't get personal. The same thing goes for you as I told Julia; my lips are sealed. Nobody else hears anything we talk about except maybe Stephanie if you don't mind. Parents are out of the loop." "That's OK, I like Aunt Steph. What's it like to be someone else? I mean, you can pretty much be whoever you want to be, can't you?" "I suppose that's true in a way, but not as much as you would think. I'm still the same person inside that I always was. It's not like I suddenly threw away all the things I used to like and decided I would love following NASCAR and collecting stamps from South America just because I wanted to be someone different. You don't change the core of who you are so easily." "But isn't being a girl a big change from being a guy?" "In many ways it is, but it's surprising how many ways it isn't. What I found is it's more a change in emphasis, a different way of looking at things. I'm still me, but I see things differently, and I like what I'm seeing. That and I have to admit I really like the clothes." "Yeah, you're always wearing dresses and skirts. Yucky!" Well, she was only fifteen after all. "You actually like wearing a bra? For real?" "I suppose it makes a difference because I want to wear one and you have to wear one." "Do I ever! Mom could have kept that part of it out of the genes she gave me." "I'll take a little bit of it if you want to get rid of it, cousin," Julia offered. "Don't I wish. Mom tells me that they'll be great for keeping the boys interested, but they're a real pain." "I suppose that's the way of the world, Karen. Julia wants more, you want less, and I would be happy with anything. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have real breasts." "That's funny. I almost forgot you're a guy. What do you put in your bra, water balloons?" "I bought a pair of breast forms so I would look natural." "How come you didn't get boobs as big as mine? I thought all guys wanted big boobs." "Actually, we probably have about the same size breasts; it's just that I'm so much bigger than you are that mine look smaller in proportion. I wanted Kate to be an ordinary woman. I don't want to look sexy, so I deliberately chose to have a B cup." "You're lucky. I didn't get any choice about being a D. But doesn't that feel, like, phony having to do it that way?" "A little bit, but is it any more phony than wearing makeup or a corset to make your body look better?" "Mom won't let me wear makeup yet." "Good for her! Anyway, you know what I mean. Women have breasts and I don't, so in order to be as much like a woman as I can, I have to have a little help." "But what makes you want to be a girl in the first place?" "Let me ask you what you like about being a girl first, Karen." "Jeez, I don't know. I never thought about it." "Did you ever wonder what it would be like to be a boy?" I asked "Sometimes, like at summer camp. It's a real pain to pee in the woods." "That wasn't exactly what I was thinking of, but I'll admit it's a lot easier to pee in the woods standing up." "And you don't have to wipe off. Leaves just don't work!" "Isn't the scout motto 'Be Prepared'? Better have some toilet tissue in your pack. I know I do for when I'm hiking." "You sound like the counselors." "Besides peeing, what do you think it would be like to be a boy?" "Well, I could get to play sports without being called a lez." "And a guy who takes Home Ec gets called gay. What else?" "Boys are bigger and stronger." "Would you like to be bigger or stronger? Would it make your life better?" "Maybe." "And maybe not. What else?" "If I were a guy, I wouldn't have to wait for someone to call me for a date." Julia joined the conversation. "I take it your Mom doesn't like assertive women?" "That's not the word she uses. I get frustrated sometimes." "Anything else different about being a boy?" "Boys just, like, do things; girls talk about it first." "And...." I prompted "Guys can do whatever they want and get away with it; girls have to be ladylike or we get yelled at." "Do you see a pattern here?" I asked. "Other than being bigger and stronger, most of the differences are about attitude ? the way you think about the world and your place in it." "Cultural expectations," Julia said. "Everyone expects you to act a certain way because of how you were born." "That's right, Julia. You might find it hard to believe, but things are a lot better now. If my father had tried to dress like a girl, he would have been beaten up by any man who found out, maybe even arrested or committed to a mental institution. If I wanted to dress like a girl as a teenager, my parents would have sent me to a psychiatrist. The idea of Women's Lib was still pretty controversial back then, cultural expectations were still pretty rigid." "Things are a lot looser today. Your Aunt Stephanie was the one who encouraged me to try to see what being a woman was like. I think Bernie and Lucy like me, and it doesn't matter a bit to them what sex I was born. Even Julia's folks are only upset and concerned, not ready to lynch me." "Is it worth it, Aunt Kate?" Trust a fifteen-year-old to cut to the heart of the matter. "Yes, it's worth it. I'm a better person because of what I know from being Kate, and I never would have fallen in love with your Aunt Stephanie if I hadn't been willing to become a girlfriend she could talk to. I like being Kate very much, girls." "Are you going to stay Aunt Kate forever?" "Ask me this fall, child. It's too soon to know if there's more Kate or Stephen hidden in my brain." "Did you really ask Dad to be your maid of honor?" "What?!" Now Julia and I were doing the echo routine. "Where did you hear that?" "Mom and Dad thought I was asleep last night when they were talking about you." "I'm not sure I want to hear this, Karen." But I did, Kate was getting too damn polite. "Don't worry. They like you, Aunt Kate." "The stuff about him being my maid of honor was just a joke, dear." "You just haven't had time yet to find out what a weird sense of humor Daddy has. I think he wants to do it just to see what Aunt Deb would do." "Mom would go into orbit," Julia confirmed. "Daddy is trying to be fair, but Mom doesn't really like you, Aunt Kate. The only reason she hasn't told me to stay away from you is because I haven't given her a chance." "I'm sorry to hear that, but it isn't really a surprise. She tried to tell me to stay away from you, but Stephanie laid down the law with her. I don't really like being in a position where I'm causing a family fight." "If it wasn't you, it would be something else, Aunt Kate. Mom still thinks she can run my life even after I turned eighteen. I'm glad I'm going away to school next fall, or I really couldn't stand it." "I?m sorry to hear that, Julia. I see a lot of that in my freshman students, a big change like that is hard to handle." "Sort of like changing gender, Aunt Kate?" "We all have to leave our parents sometime, so everyone who?s done it understands what's happening to one degree or another. Gender change is something most people won't understand, but it's guaranteed to be stressful." "I like the way you always look at both sides of a problem, Aunt Kate." "Training, Julia. In order to understand a subject, you have to look at it from all angles until you understand the whole. You know that old saw about the blind men and the elephant." "It can't be just training, it has to be something in you...." "There you are!" exclaimed Lucy. ?We've been looking all over the place!" "We've been here all along, solving the problems of the world. If you had waited another ten minutes, we would have finished revising the Universe and put our plans into action. Have a cherry." "Thanks, the sour cherries aren't any good for snacking. Do your grand plans include a way to get all the pies baked without any effort?" "Well, Karen volunteered to pit all the cherries in penance for singing about my underwear." "Do tell?" "Aunt Kate hasn't been a lady long enough to know how to climb a ladder yet. I see London, I see France..." piped up my young nemesis. "And I suppose you were standing under the ladder and looking up completely by accident, young lady?" "Well...." "Let's call it a learning experience on both sides before anyone gets into further trouble,? I offered. "We will talk later. We need to be going." The ride back was subdued. Karen and Julia sat in front with Deb and silence reigned. I could tell that Steph was royally pissed, but this wasn't the place to ask about it. Nor could I when we got back home, there was too much to do for us to disappear so I could find out what was happening. How to describe that day? In some ways it felt good to be part of a family, to listen to the banter and joking between siblings and their spouses, but the obvious chill when Deb and I were in the same room was disturbing. I was glad to spend a couple of hours riding the lawnmower and tending the hedges in preparation for the crowd tomorrow. As I circled the yard, I watched a little drama play out as Tom and Deb came out and sat on the garden bench. It was obvious they were arguing. Each time I circled around to where I could see them, they got further apart on the bench and their body language was clear even across the yard. Eventually, they weren't there on the bench as the garden came into sight, so I tried to put it out of my mind. I had no doubt that I was the source of the argument. When I returned to the house, I could feel Deb's eyes drilling into me as I walked through the room. All of us politely managed not to notice her obvious attempts to keep Tony and Julia away from me; no one wanted to cause an incident, but she was far from subtle about it. The odd part was she played the same game with Tom. Who was she shielding from whom ? her kids from a perverted man, or her husband from a woman she didn't trust? I tried to keep my distance from her, Steph tried to be available to be the peacemaker, and Bernie kept winking at me. I'm glad someone was enjoying the comedy. When Hilda came, we added another dimension as she tried to figure out what was going on. We made it through dinner with tempers still intact, but we weren't a jolly group. Hilda set her napkin on the table and looked at the family. "I haven't had to do this for quite some time, but I feel now is the time to hold a family meeting. We need to get the things that are bothering us out in the open before they fester." "Children, you may be excused now," announced Deb. "I'm sorry, Deborah, but they may not be excused." Mother Hilda had iron in her voice. "They are part of this family and need to be part of our discussions." "Well I...." Hilda cut her off. "I'm not going to pussyfoot around the issue. Stephanie has chosen to bring Kate into our family The fact that Kate is a man who dresses and behaves like a woman is hard for some of us to accept, and I include myself in that category. There is obviously a range of opinions about the propriety of how Kate chooses to live her life. I don't want to presume to know what any of you are thinking, so I would like to go around the table and have each of you honestly tell us all how you feel. I would appreciate it if everyone was able to speak without interruption. There will be time for discussion later. Please remember," she was looking directly at Deb, "that honesty does not mean incivility." This was a side of Hilda that I hadn't seen before. The formality of her words, the commanding edge to her voice were what might be expected of an Admiral or General addressing their command. "Lucy?" "I like Kate, Momma. She's kind and gentle and funny, and just the right person for Steph. Can't you see the glow in her eyes when she looks at Kate?" "Bernard?" "Hell, I'm going to be her Matron of Honor at her wedding. What more do you want?" "This is no time for joking, Bernard. Was that a serious answer? "It was. Matron of Honor or Best Man, I'll be standing next to her when she marries Steph." "Ben, you may be young yet, but you are part of the family. Do you have anything to offer?" "Not really, Grandma. I just want you to stop being mad at each other." "Thank you, Ben. Karen?" "You guys are all making a big fuss over nothing. If she were gay, would you all be on her case like this?" "If being gay was the issue, we wouldn't be discussing who your Aunt Stephanie was marrying, would we?" "Oh. "Do you have anything else you want to say?? Karen shook her head. "Anthony?" "I haven't really gotten to know Aunt Kate yet, Grandma. I guess it's pretty weird to think she's really a man, but I can't see it's hurting anybody because of how he dresses. Jeez ? I don't know if I should say 'he' or she'?" "I believe the accepted protocol is to use the pronoun that matches the person's current appearance. ?She? would be correct, Anthony." Now just where did Hilda find out about that little bit of convention? "Tom?" Hilda prompted. "I'm feeling like I'm ten years old right now. I always wanted to hide when Dad went 'round the table.?" He paused. "I'm uncomfortable about Kate. I don't like the idea of a man wearing a woman's clothes, but I will try to be honest and say that may reflect more on my own masculinity than on anything Kate is doing. From what I've seen today, Kate is a kind and tolerant person. Perhaps when I get to know her better I can say more." "Deborah, it's your turn." She took a moment to gather herself and then spoke. "I don't understand what you people can be thinking! This is perverted; it's unnatural. He's a man, and he's mocking everything about women. I don't want to be near him, and I don't want my children near him. I've had enough of this politically correct crap; I want to go home and not have to pretend that perverts are perfectly all right!" "I believe you have made your feelings perfectly clear. Julia, do you have anything to contribute?" "No she doesn't!" announced Deb. "I've had enough of this charade." "Mother, I do have something to say, and I will say it whether you want me to or not!" Deb was shocked speechless at this rebellion. "I'm ashamed at the way you've been insulting Aunt Kate. I know you don't approve of her transgenderism, but that isn't any reason to call her a pervert. I had a long talk with her this morning, and she is a perfectly reasonable person who was very open and willing to tell me why she has chosen to be Kate. You haven't spoken three civil words to her all day, and yet you think you know so much you can call her a pervert. "You're not a pervert, Kate, and I want to be your friend if you'll let me." "Thank you, Julia. I appreciate that very much," I replied. "Deb, I don't want to be a cause for trouble in the family, and I'm sorry my choices are so repellant to you, but Stephanie and I have made this choice and this is how we are going to live our lives. If that bothers you so much, I will try to keep my distance as much as possible, but we do have to find a way to let the rest of the family be together without walking on eggshells." "May I have my turn now?" asked Stephanie. When no one spoke she continued "What Kate said goes for me, too. Right now Kate is the person I need in my life, and that's not subject to argument. All I ask is that when you are in OUR home, you remember that I will not tolerate personal insults to anyone in this house. We won't solve this tonight, but I'm glad we got it into the open so we can deal with it. Kate and I have agreed we will answer any questions you want to ask us, so don't just assume you know what we are thinking. I think it's time for bed, Kate. Can we adjourn the meeting, Mother? " "One more thing. This discussion is a family matter. We will not discuss Kate's gender with anyone at the festival tomorrow. She is a good friend of Stephanie's and that should be sufficient. You grandchildren can call her Aunt Kate just like you call other close friends of your parents Aunt or Uncle." "One more thing, Mother. I'm engaged to a man named Stephen who couldn't be here for the festival. Just tell people you haven't met him and don't know anything about him. Adjourn the meeting, Mother. We're going to bed." Steph closed the bedroom door firmly and twisted the lock. "Perverted! That bitch! I'll show her perverted! She threw off her shirt and dropped her pants on the floor in the time it took me to unbutton my dress. I tossed it into the laundry basket and started to remove my breast forms. I started, but didn't get too far because Steph kissed me passionately. "Leave them in," she commanded as she released me, "and lie down, lover. I want to get perverted." Steph usually wanted me to be the one to initiate our lovemaking, but tonight was emphatically different. No matter how we related outside the bedroom, it was Stephen who made love to Stephanie, but tonight Stephanie was perversely determined to make love to Kate. She tore my padding out of her way and had me hard in no time, then stayed on top and in control until we were completely satiated. And she didn't worry about who could hear us. No, that's not right. Stephanie was unusually vocal, and she didn't call me 'Stephen' once. I was able to sleep in the next morning, voracious sex will do that for you. I couldn't wait to get dressed up for the party that day and was trying to make up my mind what to wear. How much things had changed in so short a time. As Steve I never got excited about what I was wearing, but as Kate it was truly a joy to pick out an outfit and be able to wear it. All men get to choose is what color tie to wear. How boring! We played like kids in the bathtub, shaving each other's legs and getting each other distracted. It's hard to keep your mind on getting a close shave when your lover is running her fingers up and down your back. Clad only in fluffy towels, we ran back to the bedroom, and I finally decided on a full orange crinkly skirt and a gauzy angel sleeved top. I wore long silver earrings that swayed like pendulums with every move of my head and several jangling bracelets on my arm. Have I mentioned how Kate was completely unable to pass a jewelry counter without buying something? Although we both usually wore flats because of our height, we had decided that today was a day to go all out and we both wore sparkly, high heeled sandals, mine in gold and Steph's in silver to complement her blue skirt. She had on a low cut blouse that tied in the back and made her large breasts even more prominent. Just to make sure, a large pendant dangled in the deep valley between her breasts. Damn she looked good! "Damn you look good, girlfriend!" she exclaimed as I finished my mascara. ?Let's go and show that bitch how a real woman lives life!" "Just don't blow the party, hon. We are the class act here, no common vulgarities until we're in bed again, OK?" "Fuck you!" "Not now, I don't want to ruin the makeup." Even with all the time it took us to get dressed, we were still the first to show our faces that morning. The party didn't start until noon, so we still had time for a relaxed breakfast. Too bad the family tensions were going to make that impossible. We had just started banging pots and pans when Tom stumbled into the kitchen. He was still in his pajamas and frankly he looked like hell. "Tom!" Stephanie cried, "You look like a man in serious need of coffee." "Coffee, hell, I need a lawyer. Deb and I split last night." "Tom!" "It's been coming, sis. Last night was just the proverbial straw. If it wasn't that, it would have been something else." "But Tom, why didn't you say anything?" "Did you say anything when Faruq was giving you the shaft?" "But...." "I just wish we could have put this off until after the festival. I'm not going to be very good company today." "What about Deb?" "She's gone. I don't know where she went, but I can guess who she's with. His name's Dennis Donnelly." "Oh, Tom, I'm sorry." "I know, sis. Deb never bothered to figure out Caller ID. It didn't take long to connect calls from him to the nights she was out at a meeting or something. They've been at it for a couple of years now." "And you didn't say anything?" "Steph, our marriage has been a sham for a long time. I tried to talk about marriage counseling when we started sleeping in separate bedrooms, but she wasn't having any. The only reason I've stayed in the same house with her is for the kids." "I didn't know. I didn't even suspect." "And I damn well worked hard to keep it that way. Didn't you when your marriage fell apart?" "Yeah, if nobody knows maybe you can still fix it." "It isn't going to get fixed, but I hate the whole business of divorce." "What about Tony and Julia?" "After the shouting match we had last night, I expect they're cowering in their bedrooms. If they don't know Deb's gone, they must have suddenly gone deaf." "But who will they live with?" "I haven't thought that far ahead yet. At least Julia is going to school this fall, but I suppose Tony can decide who he wants to stay with as long as this Dennis is willing to let Deb drag her kid along. I have a hard time picturing anyone who would have an affair welcoming a teenage boy into his little love nest." "Tom, if I can do anything to help, all you have to do is ask. And don't go all macho, this is your big sister talking, the one you cried to when you broke up with Sally, and the one who pulled splinters out of your butt when you tried to slide down the hay chute." "Just like you to bring that up, sis. I have lawyers to pull splinters, but they can be a pain in the butt all by themselves." "Tom, Steph's offer goes for me as well," I told him. ?I'm so sorry that my presence has caused you such pain." "It's not you, Kate. It never was. Like I said, this has been coming a long time. It's kind of ironic that my sister finally finds someone to marry just when I get divorced." "That's kind of you, Tom, but I still feel sorry. I want to be on good terms with my new family." "As far as I'm concerned, you're on good terms with me. You may be a little weird, but if Steph likes you then that's enough for now. Look, I'd better get dressed and roust the kids before we end up eating pie in our pajamas." "I love you, little brother." Stephanie gave him a big hug. "I love you too, sis. And you too, Kate." His hug was brief, but that he was willing to hug me at all was enough to set me sniffling. Tears and makeup don't mix. As he left I had one of those thoughts that you don't like to admit. If I could thank Deb for one thing, it would be for relieving me of answering any more questions about crossdressing. Pie Festival? There were plenty of pies, but it would be more apt to call it the Crisis Festival. It got hard to remember who was supposed to know what. Family knows: a) Kate is really Steve b) Steve is marrying Steph c) Or maybe Kate is d) Tom and Deb are splitting. Most everybody else knows: a) Steph is marrying someone called Steve b) He's not here today c) Neither is Deb ? don't ask d) Kate is Steph's old friend here for the festival e The big trailer is for Kate and Steph to go on vacation together f) Kate is engaged too and you wouldn't know him g) Kate's tenant isn't home My personal list included: a) Remember that 'my' gardens were now 'the tenant's' gardens b) Keep my hands off of Stephanie in public c) Hug Julia whenever possible ? she's hurting d) Get Steph to hug Tony whenever possible e) Sic Bernie on Tom so he has someone to talk to. ?Oh what a web we weave....? Keeping my mouth shut wasn't an option; this was a curious crowd. One sure way to change the course of the conversation is to ask for a sample of the pie they brought and ask for the recipe. That works just about every time. Actually, after a couple of hours the answers started self-replicating, and we didn't have to fill everybody in. Somewhere about two in the afternoon, Steph and I had eaten enough pie to dull our interest in the new arrivals. I noticed a good size crowd had gathered under the tent and drifted that way to see what was going on while Steph took time to duck into the bathroom. Bernie's Uncle Shimon was holding court for his subjects, a benevolent old gentleman with an affable manner. Shimon was a retired furrier from New York City, and Bernie claimed he could go on for hours and not use a single story twice. His humor was as bad as Bernie promised. Most of his stuff was funny enough, but the occasional belly-buster made it hard to laugh in a voice suitable to Kate. "So I'm in this bar, see?" Uncle Shimon starts off. ?It's not so fancy-schmancy, but a good place for a couple of beers and maybe a Reuben. The next thing I know, the place goes quiet, and I see this woman at the bar. She's dressed in this dark blue power suit with a white blouse just lacy enough to show she's female without losing her place in the corporate food chain. She has a cell phone AND a pager clipped to her Gucci purse over her shoulder and a briefcase in her hand. Well, her bazoobas weren't so brief if you want to know, and that suit was tailored by someone who knew his business. We all start to speculating as to why she's slumming in this bar, when she looks at the bartender like he was some bug or something and speaks. ?Barkeep, I want a glass of your best twelve-year-old Scotch.? ?Now the lady has a voice like she was English royalty to go along with that power suit, but Maxie the barman, he don't get impressed all that easily. You can see the wheels grinding in his head, and I know he just can't resist seeing if the lady knows whereof she speaks. He pours her a glass and hands it to her. As soon as her hand touches the glass, she knows Maxie is running a game on her. ?Barkeep! I distinctly told you twelve-year-old Scotch; this is obviously only three years old.? ?Now Maxie is impressed, and all eyes are on the two of them as he fills another glass. Now Maxie is going to milk this for all he can get, so it don't surprise me when she takes one sniff and frowns. ?Barkeep! Is it your usual habit to ignore your customers? wishes in so blatant a manner? This swill is only five years old!? ?You can see the battle has been joined, and Maxie tests her at eight and ten years, and she nails him every time. Finally, he gives her the twelve-year-old stuff and she knocks it off in one swallow and asks for more. Well, while Maxie fills her up again old Charlie, who has been getting blind drunk all afternoon, starts to feel his way down the bar in Braille until he pulls up beside her. ?Lady, that was shrimply marv, uh, marv-a, uh, wunnaful the way you know your booze.? ?She backs off from the fumes, but you can see she is inordinately proud of her taste buds and will accept the compliment despite the source. ?Well, I do fancy myself somewhat of a connoisseur, my good man.? she replies. ?Here, try this.? and Charlie hands her a glass. ?Now for the first time she seems unsure of the pedigree of the booze, but she knocks it back and then spits it out and sprays Charlie and everybody within ten feet. ?My God, that's urine!? she screams. ?Yeah,? says Charlie, ?but how old am I??? See why I had a hard time with my voice? I settled into an open chair and listened. ?This couple had been married for years and argued every minute of the time. When the husband finally died, his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, ?You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.? ?The widow just says, ?I nursed him night and day, so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he really was.?" "Have you heard the one about the Irish woman who was dying?" asked a voice near me. All eyes turned to a slim black man who had settled unnoticed in the chair next to me while Uncle Shimon was holding forth. He was colorfully dressed in traditional African garb and had a wide grin on his face. While the rest to the crowd waited expectantly, I practically swallowed my tonsils. Would these crises ever end? The man sitting next to me was none other than Cliff, a fellow professor from the college. I knew him casually as the force behind the school's drumming club. I had heard him hold forth before and knew Uncle Shimon was about to get a run for his money. I was well and truly trapped, I could hardly get up and walk away just as he started his story without attracting a great deal of attention, but I certainly didn't want to be sitting two feet from someone who knew me in my other life. "Sadly, a beautiful woman lay on her death bed far before her time," Cliff starts out. ?Her husband and the priest are attending her in her last minutes on the earth. She turns to her husband and struggles mightily to speak. ?Husband, I want you to promise before the good Father that you will remain faithful to our love and never remarry.? ?The husband is shocked and hesitates in his answer, not knowing what to say in his grief at losing his beloved wife. ?Husband, if you ever remarry then with these two hands,? the poor woman weakly raised her hands into the air, ?I will claw my way out of the casket and through the dark and dank ground to the top of my very grave and return to haunt you for the rest of your days.? ?The poor man was shocked and finally agreed to the woman's plea. She was but moments from passing, and he didn't have the heart to see her die in anger. The priest performed the Last Rights and left the grief- stricken husband after consoling him the best he could. The poor priest was completely agitated by the affair and stopped at the pub to ease his anguish. By the end of the evening, the entire town knew of the curse the woman had put on her husband. ?Time passed and after a decent period of grief, the widower began to think of having a new woman in his life, but not one woman in the town would have anything to do with him, having heard of the curse. Eventually he courted a fair colleen from a town down the road, and who accepted his suit. They were to be married at her church in a quiet ceremony, but to his distress virtually every soul in his hometown attended the ceremony, breathlessly waiting to see if the curse would come true. ?They stood before the priest who charged them according to the canons, but when he got to the part where he asked if anyone knew of a reason the wedding should not proceed there was a gasp of anticipation. Finally, one old woman, the most enthusiastic gossip of the town, arose. ?Have ye not told the poor girl of the curse laid upon ye? Did not your widow threaten to claw through her coffin and dig her way out of the sacred earth to the top of her grave and haunt you and your bride if you should remarry?? "The sanctuary was completely silent as the man turned to his bride and spoke. ?I'd not be worrying about any curse, me love. I buried her face down. She must be fair halfway to China by now.?" It was clear the gauntlet had been thrown; two titans of their craft were engaged in battle. I had hardly risen from my chair, attempting to put as much space between Cliff and myself as possible when Shimon counterattacked. ?A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan from the casket. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years and then dies. ?Once again, a ceremony is held and, at the end of it, the pallbearers are