Shared Grief
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A Mother's Grief free porn video
A mothers grief.
By DebWeb
Although this story is sort of semi autobiographic, the T.G element is
purely a twisted figment of my imagination. Since my childhood was
mostly a miserable and lonely existence,then, had the subject of my
gender confusion been confronted by those adults to whom my well being
was entrusted,then life may have been a little more interesting. I
suppose as it is with most children who suffer from this "affliction",
(as I viewed it at the time) I thought I had the best kept secret in the
world. Only with hindsight as an adult did I realize it was the best kept
open secret in the world! The taboo subject never to be talked about in
my presence, but no doubt a topic of conversation discussed in my
absence. Looking back as an adult minus my childhood naivety I now
comprehend all the innuendos and subtle mickey taking I received from my
peers and adults alike, not to mention the unexplainable hostility from
certain quarters.
Within that new found hindsight which comes with maturity of adulthood I
had to dispense with the delusion that my mother had no idea of my
inclinations. In my own defence I only knew her in the first six years of
my life before she was cruelly snatched away from me by a drunk driver
who mowed her down as she stood unaware on the pavement.
Yes hindsight can be a wonderful tool in life to boost ones learning and
experience in order to make one wiser. However it is a double edged sword
which can force the realization of all the supposed deceptions ones self
had propagated in childhood only to be mortified by the realization in
later life that I was in actual fact fooling no one but myself.
I can honestly say I became aware of my true gender at the tender age of
three when I could not understand why I was being treated as a boy. Some
instinct told me to keep my true feelings to myself. It was the early
sixties after all and not an age of enlightenment.
Anyway I realised with that hindsight the mother I never got to know was
allowing my desire to dress in her clothes in sneaky mode was well aware
but never interrupted my dressing up times. How I loved that velvety
smooth blue silky dress which drowned my ankles in my smallness.
A mother knows everything regardless of what you might think.
If you might think that a three year old child cannot be possibly aware
of their true gender identity then I urge you to think again.
All your head shrinks will say is, it's only a phase he will grow out of
it. Well in my instance I am still waiting to grow out of said phase at
the not so tender age of forty seven!
These same, "so called experts declare a child's self awareness starts at
the age of three!
Enough about me. I just felt the fictional story you will hopefully read
will make you think about your own life experience and encourage you to
be honest within your own true self.
My apologies if the ending is abrupt. I had intended to be one of many
chapters but it felt good to leave it as a stand alone tale.
Anyway on with the story which I fear may be self indulgent if not
cathartic for my benefit. Oh and don't worry readers,no children were
harmed in the writing of this story, except maybe me.
The story
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"What have I told you about sneaking into my room and wearing my
clothes!"
"But they are so lovely and soft, they make me feel so pretty." I
whimpered.
"How many times do I have to explain this to you?You will never be
pretty!"
"Yes I can, I'm going to be pretty just like you,if only you would buy me
nice dresses like yours and let me grow my hair so I can tie pretty
ribbons on my pigtails and get my ears pierced and then I could have..."
"Stop this nonsense now! Get that dress off, you know it's my best one
and it's certainly too big for you."
"Then buy me my on one and I promise I wont ever wear it again. Please,
please say you will." I tried using my puppy dog eyes and threw in my
best pouted lips expression.
"Why cant you behave normally like other kids your age?" She said in
exasperation.
"But I do!" I exclaimed. "I'm just normal like Lucy from next door and
Amanda from across the road and Laura over..."
"That's enough, this has to end right here, right now! My patience is
wearing very thin. When will you get it into your thick skull that you
are not like other girls on the street, or anywhere else for that matter,
in fact you would be the ugliest girl in the world.!"
Seeing the pained look and the tears streaming down the child's face,
smearing the clown like make up the child had so painstakingly tried to
apply so as to look as pretty as mummy when she prepared for a special
occasion made her regret the harshness of her words.
Her desperation and feelings of helplessness was starting to cloud her
judgement, and not helping the child understand the wrongness of this
sorry situation,all she wanted to do was to love and protect the child.
Was it so wrong to follow her maternal instinct and deep desire to
provide safety and security and to ensure no harm would ever be visited
upon her precious baby?
"Mummy why are you being so mean,what have I done that makes you hate me
so much?"
I love my mummy and what she said felt like stab a feeling in my tummy.
"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry, you know I love you but you have to
understand ,you can never be pretty, not ever."
"I don't mean to make you mad at me mummy," I pleaded. "I just want to be
pretty like you, why is that so bad mummy?"
Why couldn't mummy be proud of me for wanting to be just like her? To me
she was the prettiest girl in the whole wide world, even more so than
Lucy from next door and she looked really yummy in her pretty dresses and
long flowing raven hair. I felt so confused and so very sad.
Unbeknown to the poor child his mother felt much the same and a feeling
of overwhelming futility to boot, she was at a loss as how to make her
dear child understand the proper role that was expected to fit in and
conform to societies expectations.
"I understand that little girls look up to their mummies and want to grow
up just like them." She stared into the infant's eyes as if trying to
reach the child's inner being, or perhaps it was the soul, the very
essence that made up the sum of a person's psyche.
Two years of of trying to tell the child that the behaviour displayed was
not acceptable and could be construed as downright offensive in certain
quarters, which in turn could lead to life endangering scenarios. It made
her shudder just to think of the possible dangers.
She had to make her child understand, but how do you make a child go
against their core instincts?, just to fit into an envelope society
expects,... No! demands, all because the majority want to feel secure in
themselves with everything tidied away in its own little box.
Why did everything have to be black and white, she sighs, why cant people
see shades of grey? She had to build up her resolve and break the child
of these antisocial tendencies, what did they call it? Tough love, or was
that just a spin on cruel to be kind? Whatever it was, she knew it would
hurt her even more than it would the child.
Why did mummy look so sad? I never want to hurt her, I only want to make
her happy and do my best to please her. "I'm sorry mummy, please don't be
angry," I plead. Mummy was scaring me now, that funny look and is that a
tear in her eye? Why is she so sad? Maybe a happy hug will make her feel
better. I try to wrap my arms around mummy but she moves away from my
happy hug. "Mummy?" Now I know mummy doesn't love me any more, I must
have done something really naughty.
It hurt like hell to reject the child's demonstration of affection but
she knew she had to be resolute and make herself immune to the child's
display of pain and confusion. It was all for the common good and to
allow for an easier life, God knows life was difficult enough without
putting your head above the parapet only to be shot at. I mustn't falter,
she decided, it was for the child's own good in the longer term.
"Now listen to me honey and listen good, you must understand this is a
very serious talk we're having"
I gazed at mummy, wide eyed and just a little bit scared at the hard tone
of her voice. A feeling of doom seemed to be all pervading in the
atmosphere. Was mummy going to send me away like she did Banjo, our
little pup who refused to be house trained and piddled all over the house
and even on the beds?
"Mummy are you sending me to that place Banjo went with the bars and a
blanket on the floor?" I asked with a little fear in my voice.
"Of course not honey, but you have to listen to what I tell you and trust
me that what I say is for your own good." She stared unflinchingly at the
child, ignoring the look of torment innocently gazing back at her. Be
resolute she reminded herself, do not crumble and weaken,this will hurt
us both but it's for the best. Now at least she had the child's rapt
attention,deep breath she thought and then plunge in.
"You know we've had this talk a zillion times before honey,but you never
seem to understand." She emphasized that last word to show her baby she
meant business this time. Satisfied she had the child's complete
attention she ploughed on.
"Now that your five years old you will be starting school soon and you
will be expected to fit in with the other pupils."
"That's okay mummy I already have friends who start school at the same
time as me." I said excitedly. "There's Lucy and Laura and..."
"Sshh, Listen to me."She admonished. "When you go to school you cant play
with the girls, you will have to make friends with the boys."
I listened to mummy's words in puzzlement. Why did she think that Lucy
and Laura couldn't be my friends? After all they were really well behaved
and we had some fun play times together. "What's wrong with my friends
mummy?" I asked. "I thought you liked Lucy."
Flabbergasted the mother looked intensely at the child . "Lucy and all
your other friends are wonderful children,but they are all girls. It's
time you made friends with boys as well."
"But mummy, Lucy has been my friend forever, we even have sleep overs
together along with Laura and Amanda." Did mum really want me to give up
my best friends.? I really couldn't believe it.
"That was because they are the only other children who stay near us,and
it was handy for all the mummies to babysit for each other. I think you
may be spending too much time in girls' company, it is really affecting
your behaviour. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"
At last,she thought as she studied the child, there seemed to be a very
studious look on the angelic little face, which would hopefully mean the
the crux of the problem was becoming clear.
She couldn't help but feel a degree of guilt on her part for not widening
the child's social circle at a younger age. Younger? How much younger?
The child was still a baby in her eyes.
"Does that mean I have to start little school all on my own without my
friends,mummy? I thought Lucy and me could go together." It would be very
scary to go to a new place all alone,I thought.
"Don't worry about that honey, I'll be there holding your hand all the
way, and it wont look so silly as going there with a bunch of girls now
will it?"
"Why would it look silly being with my friends mummy?, I do everything
with Lucy, and Laura and Amanda often join in to." This is so confusing,
why has mummy stopped liking my friends. They done nothing wrong. "It's
not fair, their my friends and I'm not going to leave them to go to
little school all on their own!" I yelled defiantly.
This was getting so frustrating,she thought, just as I thought I was
getting through, a sudden bout of petulance was my next obstacle to
overcome with the stubborn child.
No! Be patient. Why can't I make my own child understand how the world
works, there has to be an answer!. Right!, tough love, they say it works
for drug addicts, so why shouldn't it work for my child's ailment?
"David! You're a big boy now,you're five years old and about to start
school in a week's time, what do you think will happen when you arrive at
school at school with a bunch of girls all in your company?"
"I don't know mummy, maybe they will think I'm lucky to have so many
friends?"
"Your a boy David!, a BOY!, what do you think the other boys will think
of you?"
"They'll think I'm lucky to have so many friends, wont they mummy?"
"No they wont David, they will think, 'What a little sissy that boy is."
" I'm not a sissy! I'm a girl just like Lucy is, and all my friends are!
I'm not a boy, I'm a girl. I always have been and I always will be, no
matter what you say!"
I had been here so many times before, the same discussion, the same
outcome. Why? We even bathed Lucy and David together in the same bath at
the same time! If only to teach David that he had an extra "appendage"
which made him different from Lucy. Hell! They didn't even notice, they
were so busy yapping about how much fun they had during the day.
How do I protect my child, the baby I've carried in my belly for nine
months, the baby I breast fed, the baby I felt more close to, more than
even my husband?
How do I protect him from from the world, how do I protect him from you
and yours, he is born to be a MAN, if he is not a MAN, regardless of
appearances who will look after my baby when I'm gone
"My darling child I love you with all my heart but you will never be a
girl, you was born with a true twist of fate, you will never be accepted
as your true gender,because your physical embodiment will always tell a
lie, no one will know or understand the true you."
"You will have to live the lie for the whole of your life because no one
will ever accept the truth of who you really are."
The End
Mara
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