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Switchback By DreamWeaver A Sequel to "Paprikash" One of the benefits of being a high school teacher was always the fact that I got the summers off. This allowed me a chance to do some writing for history journals, and sometimes for the local newspaper. I was considered something of an expert on the history of our town and county, and the summer I turned 41, I had been commissioned to write a series for the newspaper. It was a lovely day in late August when I took my laptop to a nearby park. I was putting the finishing touches on what would be the last piece of the series, and since it was about an incident that had occurred near where the park was located, it seemed like a perfect place to write it. Besides, it was a great way to work and enjoy the weather at the same time. I soon lost myself in the piece and so was startled when someone sat down on the bench next to me. After my initial jolt, I was pleased to see a familiar face. It was Stacy Holloran, a student with whom I had shared a very unusual relationship the previous year. "Hi," she said, more quietly than was her habit. She wore very short white shorts and a pink and white halter top, and as I glanced at her, the persistent breeze toyed with several strands of her blonde hair that drooped down over one eye. She was smiling, so that was a good start. "Hi, yourself," I said, closing the laptop. "How's everything? How's your mom?" It had been several months since Stacy's mother and I had stopped seeing each other. We had seemed very well-suited at the beginning, but in the end she was not really prepared to let another man into her life, even so many years after her husband's untimely death. We had parted on friendly terms, but I knew that Stacy had been deeply disappointed. "She's okay," Stacy said. "How about you?" I knew Stacy better than any other person except possibly myself, having literally walked in her skin. Her response - a shrug - told me volumes. It didn't take much prodding to discover what was on her mind. "I'm scared," she said. I was relieved that she still felt the same closeness to me that I felt for her. "This is such a big year coming up for me - college entrance exams, scholarship exams, choosing a college. I know I did well last year and kind of came into my own as a student, but..." "Confidence has always been an issue for you," I said, patting her arm. "You have the grey matter. You just have to have faith in yourself." "But, I don't," she said. "I did well last year, but you and I both know that it wasn't my ability alone that got me there. You helped." I admitted that I had given her a push - a boost in motivation as well as a boost in confidence. It had been the ultimate case of "if I knew then what I know now," but for Stacy's benefit. And at the same time, I had come to know things about the female heart that had enabled me not only to have a wonderful - if short - relationship with her mother, but to understand and accept without rancor when that relationship had to end. "Our switch left me permanently changed," I said. "So, it left you permanently changed, too." "Then why do I feel so lost?" She had been that way when we had found ourselves switched, and I had come to understand that one of the reasons we had been switched was for me to address her sometimes shocking lack of self-esteem. Before we had switched back, I had gotten her off on the right foot in a dating relationship with a nice guy and good student, Joe McMorris. He had taken her to the junior prom. "How are things with Joe?" I asked. She shrugged. "Okay. He's sweet, and we have a lot of fun. I'm still a virgin, if that's what you mean." "It isn't," I said with a laugh, "but I'm glad to hear it." With a steady boyfriend she seemed to care for a lot, several good friends and good prospects, the attack of nerves just didn't make a lot of sense to me. "How's Jenna?" I asked, referring to her closest friend. She frowned. "She leaves for college on Sunday. UCLA. I'm going to miss her a lot." "I know. You two have been like sisters since you first started school. No wonder you feel a little at sea; she's always been there for you, and now you're going to feel like you're on your own." She shook her head, slowly, like she was really thinking it through. I suddenly had a sense of her inner turmoil. I was not prepared for her suggestion. "I was wondering if we could switch back," she said. "Just for a little while," she added hurriedly when she saw my shocked expression. I glanced around to make sure no one was within earshot. "What on earth for?" "Several things," she said, trying to get her words out in a rush. "You could give me the confidence I need; you could also make sure I'm really organized at the start of the new year - I mean, I have to take physics, for God's sake! You know my math is not great. And while I was you, I could get to know the math you already know and use it when we switched back." "And...?" She cast her eyes downward and said, in a whisper, "And maybe you could take the exams for me." "Stacy, that would be cheating. It was one thing to take a history exam for you and coax out information I knew you already knew. You want me to do the exam prep and sit for them using my knowledge to get you a better result." "No! I just can't face those exams! I get really tensed up at any exam, but those standardized tests freak me out. It's so unfair that there is so much riding on them!" I put my arm around her shoulder to calm her down. I could feel my heartstrings being tugged. And I had to admit, being Stacy, even for a little while, was a delightful prospect. It was also filled with pitfalls, as she and I had both learned the last time. To begin with, to make such a switch we would need the help of a mysterious woman named Elena. She could be very difficult, and did not like doing things that were not of her own design. Elena would be reluctant, to say the least. In switching us, each would be living within the other, each able to enforce choices on the other that would leave mental markers that the other would have to deal with. Moreover, the longer we stayed switched, the more we would be integrated into the character of the other, the less we could alter the behavior of the other, and the more difficult it would be to change back. "The exams aren't until late October," I said. "You want to switch at the beginning of school. That's two months." Stacy nodded. She had clearly thought this through. "But the last time, we were changed involuntarily," she said. "This time, we're both entering into the change freely, for a specific time and a specific purpose. Maybe it isn't possible, but if it is, would you be willing?" Was I willing to be a beautiful 17-year-old girl? "Let's go see Elena," I said with a sigh. 2 As we had done the last time, we decided to enter the mall and the Hungarian restaurant in which Elena worked separately. I went in first. Elena met me with a very dark frown. "Where is she?" Elena asked without preamble or greeting. Just then, Stacy came through the entrance from the mall. Elena turned and gestured for us to follow her down the steep stairs to her basement office. It looked just as it had the last time we had been there - the plush, blood-red carpet, the guest chairs with matching upholstery, the ponderously heavy mahogany furniture, the delicate porcelain figurines of peasants hard at work. Somehow, there was a feeling of foreboding this time that I had not experienced before. "So," Elena said, fixing her dark eyes upon me. "You now want to undo what you so eloquently demanded nine months ago." "Right now," I said, "I am interested in what is possible. Since you already know what we seek, why don't we concentrate on that?" She gave a very thin smile. "I am not sure," she said. "A spell is always possible, yes, but it does not always work as planned. That is why I do things like this so rarely. "The last time you switched, it was for a very specific reason and I was confident that the conditions, if they were going to be met, would be met in a short period of time. You both know that the longer you remain switched, the more difficult it is to change back. You are contemplating a much longer switch this time, and that raises the risk." "Yes," Stacy said. "But this time, we already know when the condition will be met. It's a specific date. I thought that would make it easier." "Spells are not turned out on computers with calendars," Elena scoffed. "Nor do they work well when the goal is material gain." "But the goal isn't material gain," I said. "I mean, yes, there would be a material advantage to Stacy by doing well on the exams and getting into a better college, but this is about something more fundamental than that. One of the goals of the last switch was to improve her self- confidence, and now for some reason that seems to be in crisis again." "Is it? I wonder. In most things, Mr. Dan Landers, you are wise, but you have a huge blind spot and that blind spot is young Stacy, here. Because you have been her, you think you know her, and you do, but because you love her, you sometimes do not see her dark side." I started to protest, but she held up a hand to stop me. "Consider this. When I switched you the last time, you and I only quarreled once, and that was about Stacy. We have never argued about you." I could see Stacy was almost frantic, now. I started to say something in her defense, but it was actually Stacy who interrupted me. "Please...Elena, I know that you don't approve of me. And I know I can't stand up to you. That's why I asked Mr. Landers to come with me to ask you. Believe me, if I thought I could get through this any other way, I would do it." Elena turned her back to us and faced the wall. Stacy started to say something, but I put my finger to my lips to stop her. We sat for what seemed like an hour before Elena swung back around, looking drained. "I must meditate to make sure this can and should be done," Elena said, her dark eyes fixed upon each of us in turn. "Dan, finish your promised pieces today and submit them, and leave a teaching plan for all your courses in the event I decide to proceed. Stacy, you have one half of one book left for your summer reading, so go home and finish it before you go to sleep tonight. "If these things are not done, there will be no change. You will both of you stay home tonight and not socialize with anyone. If the change happens, you will know when it does, and you will be as you were the last time, living as the other person, knowing their thoughts, memories and feelings but also remembering your experiences as yourself. "The change, if it happens, will be until November 1. You will change back provided you have each been true to the values of the other and have served the other's true best interests, provided you both still want to change back, and provided that neither of you have had sexual intercourse with anyone else. If for any reason you do not change back, there will be nothing that you or I can do about it. "Any questions?" We agreed to the terms. Back in my car, Stacy looked relieved but not especially happy. "She really doesn't like me," she said. "Do you think she'll go through with it?" "Yes, I do. So, let's make sure we each get our to-do lists done tonight." "Do you think I really have a dark side?" "I think everyone has a dark side. Don't worry about it. Let's just do this the best we can." "Thanks, Mr. Landers. Thanks a lot!" She kissed me on the cheek and then left the car. I watched her walk up the driveway, her gorgeous little ass with its gorgeous little wiggle. I returned home and finished the piece I'd been working on. I sent it off to the paper and got an acknowledgement. I was tempted to call Stacy but remembered the warning about socializing, and I decided it was best not to take the chance. As I showered before bedtime, my member was rock hard and I was sorely tempted to seek relief, but something told me not to. I thought my elevated desire would keep me awake, but I remember nothing after my head hit the pillow. 3 I awoke bathed in brilliant sunshine, in surroundings both comforting and familiar. The first time I had awakened here, I had been deeply confused and muddled. Now, I was home. I slid out of bed and shed my nightie and panties. I opened the door to my closet with its full length mirror inside the door. I was anxious to see what had changed. The breasts looked a little more full, and felt that way to the touch, but I would soon find that I still wore a 34-C. My waist was, if anything, slightly more trim and my hips a little more round, but not much. I turned so that my back was mostly to the mirror and stood on my tippie-toes, keeping my hands on my butt, and a little echo of Dan that remained said, "Oh, yeah." A tour of my dresser drawers revealed that I still had a thing for delicate, sexy lingerie, and my closet showed that there had been some new outfits added since my last time here. And there were more pairs of shoes. I sighed with contentment. I checked the mirror. The pimple that had been cramping my style for a few days was gone, thanks to those medicated facial pads. I reminded myself that I needed to thank Jenna for the suggestion. The thought of Jenna brought an unexpected tightening in the stomach. Today was Saturday, and tonight was her send-off, a big pool party her parents were allowing her to give. I was sad to see her going off to college, but that wasn't why I felt ill at ease. Joe. All summer, Jenna and I had wanted to double date and do things together, but Joe didn't like her boyfriend and so had become increasingly resistant as the summer wore on. When I had told him about the party, he'd snapped, "Jesus, Stace, she's going off to college; she's not joining the damned Peace Corps!" I was dwelling on this more than Stacy usually did, I realized. Usually, she just dismissed it with the thought that "he loves me, and guys are always a little possessive". It was part of their charm. "No, it isn't," I whispered. "You awake in there?" came a voice through the door. I told Annie she could come in as I pulled on a pair of pink lacey boyshorts. Annie was just back from two weeks at sleep-away soccer camp, and her golden tan looked wonderful against the yellow tee shirt she wore. Annie would be 13 in December. She was now actually an inch taller than me. Her pert little boobs had blossomed into A cups and the hair that she still usually wore in either a pony tail or tight bun flowed softly down over her shoulders in tight curls, her pretty face framed in natural ringlets. Her frame, still slim-hipped and athletic, was nevertheless beginning to fill out. "Hey, sis!" she said. "Do you have a lipstick I can borrow?" "How many times do I have to tell you, Knucklehead - you don't borrow lipstick. Here, take one," I added, opening my cosmetics case. "Thanks!" she called over her shoulder as she ran downstairs. I finished getting dressed, putting on a white denim skirt and pink top, with white espadrilles. "Hi, sweetie!" Mom called as I came downstairs. I went to the coffee pot and poured a cup, then sat down at the kitchen table for some fruit for breakfast. Mom was reading what looked like a card, and her face was bordering on a frown. "What's up?" I asked. "Oh, nothing." I put my coffee cup down with a clatter that was a little louder than it absolutely needed to be. I then fixed upon her my very best, "don't hand me that" look, which, I must admit, I had learned from an expert. She smiled in recognition. "It's just an invitation to Carol's wedding." Carol was my cousin, my favorite cousin, actually. She was in her early 30s and had babysat for me and a little for Annie. After Daddy died, she had been my confidant for things I didn't want to bother Mom with. She had been living with a guy for four years, now, and the biggest issue there was that he had still been married when she first moved in with him. The family had gotten used to him but didn't really like him, and now that he had been divorced for two years, Carol was finally getting him down the aisle. None of this bothered Mom, I knew. She and Carol had always been more like sisters than aunt and niece, and Mom had been the first adult in the family to accept Roger. "So, what's the problem?" I asked. "No problem, really. The invitation is for you and me, and guests." "What about Annie?" "Carol and Roger decided to limit it to 14 and up. I think they're trying to keep a lid on expenses, and I suspect that Roger is not wild about kids running about." "That's gonna be a problem when Carol wants to have kids." Mom smiled at me. She'd been thinking the same thing. The smile faded. "You'll ask Joe, I take it?" she asked. I nodded, knowing that going with me to a wedding would be something he'd really want to do. "And yourself?" I asked. She gave me a little dismissive wave. I was about to make my periodic speech, but I saw that little look in her eye that asked me not to, so I didn't. "What about Annie?" I asked. She looked at me quizzically. "Well," I said, "it won't add to the cost because it's not an extra guest they hadn't planned on. And I bet Carol would be happy to have her there." "Honey, she'd be the youngest one there. She'd be bored stiff." "I don't think so," I said with a suggestive smile. Mom looked shocked. "Stacy, she's still a child." I laughed out loud at that. "A child? You mean the child who keeps bumming cosmetics from me? The little tomboy who waltzed out of here this morning in a yellow tee and skirt set? The baby who can hardly squeeze into an A-cup anymore? That child?" Mom laughed along with me. "Why don't you call Carol and ask her? Then ask Annie. I'll bet you a dinner out they both say yes." A horn honked. Jenna was in the driveway. I gulped my coffee, grabbed my purse and ran out. At 6:30 that evening, I was sitting at my vanity in black lace bra and panties, carefully doing my makeup and trying not to think. The day out with Jenna, Madison and Caitlin had been great. As Jenna was driving me home, she had broached the forbidden topic. "I know he's your boyfriend, and I know you really want it to work," she said as we pulled up in front of my house. "But..." I had stopped her there. Jenna was my oldest and dearest friend and we had shared all our experiences. But we couldn't share this. "I'm going to say this to you because someone has to," she said, taking hold of my hand in both of hers. "All of that great spunk that you had last year, when you really came into your own - it's gone. Every week, you do more and more for him and he does less and less for you, and all you do is cling to him all the more." She made me look her in the eye. My entire being screamed inside that she was completely wrong. But Jenna loved me and I loved her, so I kissed her on the cheek and thanked her, but told her everything was fine. It was something I'd been repeating to myself over and over since I'd gotten out of bed that morning. I was thinking it now. It didn't make sense. By the time I was dressed and Joe arrived, I made my way downstairs in the spike heels I knew he loved. I saw the look of hunger in his eyes and thought to myself, ?that's my guy.' As soon as the door had closed behind us, I felt his arm slip around my waist. "You're beautiful," he said as we got into his car. The hem of my dress crept well up my thighs, and I giggled inwardly as he tried to make it seem like he wasn't looking. I loved when he looked. All through the party, he was great. He was even friendly to Jenna. There was music and we danced, and I thought, "This could really be it." We were slow dancing and he kind of steered me into a dark corner at the far end of the yard. He kissed me and I threw my arms around his neck. I was aware that we had very slowly been working our way up the chain of intimacy, and so I didn't really think about it when he worked his way from kissing my lips down to my neck, down to my cleavage and then to my breasts. Oooohh, it was so delicious! He was sitting on a little picnic bench and he pulled me down onto his lap. He was tweaking my nipples through the flimsy material of my dress, and then I felt his hand sliding up my leg, up my thigh, into the damp little... "Stop," I murmured. "Someone will see." "I don't mind," he said, suggestively. I sat up. "Well, I do." I stood up and walked back to the patio, pulling my dress back into its rightful position. Jenna was talking to a group of people, and she immediately pulled me in. "Can't imagine you two apart," said Jeff Mays, Caitlin's boyfriend. They weren't all that enthusiastic about dating. They had both been part of our social circle since grade school and had simply wound up together for the summer. "How will you deal with the separation, Stacy?" "I'll just stand on my two feet, I guess," I said, prompting laughter all around. "I'll miss Stacy as much as she misses me," Jenna said. All the girls went, "Awwww..." and we hugged each other. It was a wonderful moment until I saw Joe rolling his eyes. Half way back to my house, he pulled the car over. It was a secluded stretch of road, a popular spot to make out. I choked down my annoyance and slipped into his arms. The kissing quickly became passionate. The spaghetti straps on my dress were soon down and my breasts exposed. He was kissing them and licking them, and I was getting rather hot, when I felt his hand again make its way up my thigh. "No sex," I heard my brain cry in the distance. I suddenly remembered that I was Dan inside of Stacy's body, and one of the ground rules was no sexual intercourse. Well, we were a long way from that, but I suddenly realized, maybe not so far. "What's the matter, now?" Joe asked as I pushed him away. "Geez, at the party, the excuse was that you didn't want anyone to see you. What's the excuse now?" "I don't need an excuse to not make out with you," I said. "Please take me home." He rolled his eyes again, a gesture I realized I hated. Before he could put the car in gear, I opened the door. "Never mind," I said. "I'm obviously too much of a burden for you. I'll walk." As I walked away from the car, the clip-clop of my high heels on the road seemed to echo in the night. Before long, I realized he was following me. I waved him away, but he followed me all the way home. 4 Over the next ten days, Mom asked a couple of times what had happened. Annie asked once, then apologized for asking and just gave me a hug. Madison and Caitlin asked repeatedly until I told them I didn't want to talk about it. Everyone wanted to know if Joe and I had broken up, and the real answer was that I didn't know. He steered clear of me the whole time, and I waited out the time until school started in a kind of limbo. It was very different from what I had been expecting of Life As Stacy, Part II. I was tempted to call Dan, but I resisted. Something told me that there was a very good reason not to do it, and I had learned to trust my instincts. Over Labor Day weekend, Mom called Carol and told her she wanted to bring Annie, and Carol had been thrilled, as had Annie when she told her. I wore ballet flats the first day of school along with a denim mini and a white top. Mom dropped Annie and me off at school until I could figure out a better way, now that Jenna was no longer around to drive me. Madison and Caitlin met me outside and we walked in together, and so I avoided Joe until we got to math class. He waved to me and I waved to him, and we left it there. After school, he was waiting outside, and I decided to go over to him. He apologized for having lost his cool "that night" and asked if we could get back together, and I accepted. His immediate concern was to get started on review work for our exams that were coming up. He had worked out a whole program for us to follow together, so that he could help me wherever I needed it. I was already feeling grateful when I had a sudden thought: since when do I need his help? I looked at the program he had mapped out. Almost every afternoon every week, and some time on Saturdays. It was a lot of time. "I figured this would work out because you no longer have Jenna to hang with, so we could put the extra time to good use. I really want you to do well, Stace." Dan's experience was telling me that this was exactly the wrong way to go about it. Endless drilling in advanced algebra and trigonometry was going to leave my head buzzing. The only thing it made any sense to actually study was vocabulary, and we had been doing that in school since the beginning of junior year. "Stacy," he said, as if to a four-year-old, "I've researched this stuff. Trust me, will you?" "Where?" I asked. "Show me where it says this is how you do this." He rolled his eyes, and it suddenly all became clear to me. "You know, I really hate it when you do that - roll your eyes like that, like dealing with my paltry intelligence is just such an awful burden for you to carry, but you put up with it because, well, you're just such a nice guy! You did it the night of Jenna's party, and you did it now. "Let me tell you something. This is exactly the wrong way to prepare for these tests. The best way is to review concepts, not problems; low intensity, not high intensity. "You know why you want to do it this way? So you can show off how much you know, how great you are in trig. And when I do poorly and you do so well, that will just cement how great you are and how stupid I am and how lucky I am that you're willing to put up with me!" I turned and started walking away, but I heard his hands slap his legs, and I knew he had made some dramatic gesture, so I wheeled back on him. "I'll tell you something else, you son of a bitch: you've been on this campaign for months, undermining my confidence, trying to make me need you. You almost made it, too, except you got too horny and tried to get me into bed before the hook was set. Well, I've had it with your eye- rolling and your patronizing me and your talking down to me, so you can go fuck yourself!" I turned and stormed away, vaguely aware that some kids were applauding. I walked briskly, not thinking coherently, not even paying attention to where I was going. I was stepping off a curb to cross a street when a car horn blared a warning at me and I jumped back. A black sedan drove past me. Elena was driving it. As she passed, she gave me a little half-smile. All the girls rallied around me the next day, and I really appreciated it. But after school, I was again walking home alone when I heard a car horn tentatively beep at me. I knew without looking it was Dan in the blue Toyota. I got in and he quickly pulled away. He was extremely agitated, and I worried about his driving. We zoomed out of town and soon found ourselves on a desolate road, where he finally pulled over and stopped. "How could you?" he demanded tightly. "You're supposed to be looking out for...me." "For Stacy," I corrected, and he nodded in agreement. "I am." "You broke up with Joe." I took a couple of deep breaths. Yes, I decided, I had to say it. "Joe is the reason Stacy was suffering such a crisis of confidence," I said. "He was manipulating you into a failure and a life of dependence on him. He talked down to you...me...constantly, and the exams would have been a disaster if I'd continued down that road." He started to argue, almost hysterical. He was coming dangerously close to crossing the line of perspective. I pulled the door handle, and as it started to swing open, he jammed on the brakes. "What the hell is wrong with you?!" he demanded in real anger, and I sat back and stared him down. But the shock of my near disaster toned him down. "Stacy couldn't see it, but she sensed it," I said softly. "Joe was robbing her of every ounce of confidence she had, deliberately, cruelly. He did it so that he could have the upper hand in what he hoped would be a permanent relationship." He sat back and pondered that for a while. "I - that is, Stacy - wanted it to be permanent," he said at last. "I know. But it would have been a horrific life. That's why you wanted to switch - you saw everything going downhill and didn't know how to stop it." He thought about that and then started to nod, very slowly. He asked me if perhaps we should go ask Elena to change us back, but that was pointless. She had been very specific that the change could not happen until November 1st. "Besides," I said, "she already knows. As I was walking home, she passed me in her car and grinned at me." "So, what now?" "Simple. I prepare for the exams and do my best, and I'll see what I can do about...Stacy's...dating life." I did tell Mom and Annie, and I wasn't really surprised when they both said they were glad. They asked me what I could use as a pick-me-up, and I suddenly had an idea: a shopping spree for Carol's wedding. "After all, Mom, it's the first event that you've been able to go to where you can, you know, kind of put yourself out there," I said. "And it's Annie's first big event ever. I think we all need really sizzling hot new outfits." "Yes!" Annie cried. "Now, wait a minute," Mom protested. "We can't go off the deep end on this. After all, Annie is only twelve and she..." "Almost thirteen," Annie put in. "And could pass for sixteen," I said. "No!!" Mom cried. "You really think so?" Annie gasped. "Totally," I said. Mom glared at me, but I smiled and said, "Don't you see? It's a family function. It's a great time for Annie to see just how great she can look, and for you to be reminded of just how great you can look. We're doing just fine, thanks to you, Mom, and I really think, all kidding aside, that we should really go all out - new clothes, hair, nails, shoes, everything. And I think you should let me have input on both your dress and Annie's." "You'll have us all looking like a bunch of floozies," she said, and Annie and I doubled over laughing. Even Mom had to laugh after a while, and she hugged us both. "You see, Mom?" I said as I gave her a kiss on the cheek. "We need to feel this close, all three of us." I could see her fighting tears. When she finally regained her composure, she said, "All right. But I have final say over everything." "I have a better idea," I replied. "You get three vetoes and I get three vetoes." She tried to hold firm, but a little grin gave her away. She finally agreed. Annie squealed with delight. "What was I thinking, agreeing to that?" Mom asked me later. Since it was just the two of us, I told her what was in my heart. "Because you know I'll push you to wear something really pretty and sexy, and it's well past the time when you should have started looking pretty and sexy again." We got up bright and early the following Saturday. I told Annie to wear a skirt, top, pantyhose and heels for trying on dresses, and to wear some makeup so she'd like how she looked. When the two of us went downstairs, Mom was wearing a knee-length skirt, a nice top, stockings and plain pumps with a two-inch heel, and she and I had our first confrontation of the day. "You march yourself right upstairs, young lady," I said, "and when you come back down, it better be with a pair of decent spike heels." "Stacy, I am not going to wear spike heels to the mall." "Yes you are, because otherwise, you'll only pick dresses that look good on Hilary Clinton." She stormed out of the room, and for a moment I thought our shopping day was cancelled before it had begun. But two minutes later, she came back down sporting a nice pair of black patent leather pumps with a 3" spike heel. "Just shut up," she said, and I said nothing while Annie bit her lip to keep from laughing. 5 In the car, she had said that she should be able to offer opinions and make suggestions without it being considered a veto. I agreed, and said, that, of course, the same applied to me. "And me?" Annie asked. "No!" Mom and I said in unison. When we got to the mall, we headed right to a boutique that had absolutely gorgeous dresses. I had made a tactical decision that the best thing to do was to shop for Mom's dress first. I was sure that Mom would be open to suggestions for herself and, once that was settled, a dress for Annie would be easier to negotiate. Twenty-five minutes after our arrival, I was questioning the wisdom of that decision. Mom and I had spent fifteen minutes arguing over above- the-knee or below-the-knee and ten more making suggestions and counter- suggestions (no vetoes, though), and not a single dress had been tried on. I silently urged Annie to hang in there. Mom tried on a champagne-colored dress that came down to her calves. I said nothing, but just stood there with my arms crossed. She stood at the mirrors, trying to make up her mind, and finally asked me, "Well, is that a veto?" "Are you actually going to stand there and tell me you think that is the best you can do?" I countered. I then picked out a pale yellow chiffon dress that she held up to herself - the hem came to about six inches above her knee and she shot me a baleful glance. Back and forth we went until finally, I seized upon a lovely black dress that had caught my eye. "Honey," she said, "I really don't want to wear black." "Forget the color for now," I said. "Let's just see if we can agree on the style." She took it inside and emerged a few minutes later. It was a satin organza dress, strapless, with a sweetheart neckline that had a white frilled edge. There was lovely ribbon detail on the bodice. The skirt came to her knee, but there was ribbon-edged tulle lining underneath that came to a few inches above the knee. She turned from side to side to check how it looked from different angles but I could tell from the way she turned, a quick half-twirl that made the skirt flare out, that she really liked it. She finally backed away from the mirror, and when she turned around, I was holding the same dress in burgundy. "Deal?" I asked softly. She smiled and nodded. Annie was next, and she was beside herself. I steered her toward some really sexy little dresses, and while she was browsing I picked one up that I knew Mom would have a cow over - a very short, tight, one- shoulder black minidress. I put it back in the rack without saying anything, but I didn't push it all the way back, and a moment later, Annie picked it up. "Hey, Stace," she said. "What about this one?" "Very hot," I said with a little giggle. Mom turned around, gasped, and said, "No. Absolutely not. Veto!" I bit my lip to keep from laughing, but Mom wasn't finished. She strode up to me and added, "And don't think that you can flash trashy dresses at me and run me out of vetoes, either. You play it straight or it's no deal." "I didn't even suggest it," I replied, wounded. "Annie picked it up, not me." "Well, I thought you were supposed to be helping her." I had already spotted the perfect dress for my kid sister - a red satin minidress, not quite as short as the one-shoulder number, with spaghetti straps, a sequined bodice that had sparkling beading all along the neckline and shirring around the waist that would combine with the bodice to highlight Annie's lovely little shape. I waited until she picked out two more dresses that were a little too old for her, and I gained some points with Mom by saying, "No, Annie, I think you might be a little too young for that." She was growing just a little miffed when I pulled the red number. "Now, this, I think, would look really cute on you," I said. Annie frowned slightly at my use of the word "cute," but Mom looked the dress over and nodded agreement. When Annie emerged a few minutes later, she looked as gorgeous in it as I had thought she would. Mom started to object that it made her look a little too sexy, but I pointed out that Annie was wearing a regular bra and so the dress revealed not only the bra straps but also the outline underneath. I assured her we could find Annie a bra that would not draw such attention to her emerging charms. "It's also rather short," Mom said. "Mom, Annie has fabulous long legs. Let her show them off, for cryin' out loud." Annie and I each held our breath and we slowly exhaled as Mom nodded her agreement. Then I picked out mine, which I had seen two minutes after we'd entered the store. It was a gorgeous short black satin dress by Yohanna Gursey, strapless with a sweetheart neckline, a shimmering fitted bodice, and a flared tulle skirt. When I came out of the fitting room, Mom seemed to focus on the fact that it was black, but I told her I didn't feel as constrained about wearing black as she did and that seemed to please her. It was short, but not as short as Annie's, and I figured that she was less concerned about protecting my modesty than Annie's. The rest of the day went perfectly. I bought a pair of black stilettos to go with my dress, but agreed with Mom that the three-inch spike heeled sandals we got for Annie would be plenty mature for her. To my surprise, Mom bought a pair of four-inch high sandals for herself, and she even joined Annie and me at the lingerie shop for some appropriately sexy underthings. By the day of the wedding, Mom might have been having some second thoughts. We had all had our hair done, but Annie's was magnificent, her long hair a riot of tight curls and natural highlights. The dress seemed shorter, tighter and sexier than it had the day we'd bought it, possibly because she now tottered on 3-inch heels with just the right touch of vulnerable femininity. Mom looked magnificent, her hair swept dramatically back and to the side, the dress an open invitation to flirt. She simultaneously luxuriated in its ultra-soft femininity and recoiled from the adventures that might result. I was afraid that she might, at the last moment, ditch the dress, the shoes or both, but seeing me emerge from my room completely dressed stopped her. Stacy always knew, in a very unpretentious way, that she was gorgeous. But on this day, I rejoiced in it. As the soft, sexy lingerie I wore underneath kissed me sweetly in all my most intimate places, I knew in my heart that I looked as desirable as I felt, and the swish of stockings as I walked into the living room in my stiletto heels was the perfect finishing touch. Annie and I silenced Mom's half-uttered objections with gushing compliments and last-minute fussing, and we were soon on our way. "I never should have let you talk me into this," was all Mom said about it in the car. "Of course not," I said, and Annie giggled. We were milling about outside the church when I saw Kevin, Carol's youngest brother, who was an usher for the day. He did a double take and came over to me. "Holy shit!" he blurted. "Stacy, I cannot believe how good you look!" I smiled and thanked him. He was two years older than me, and I had long suspected that he had kind of a thing for me. His hungry gaze confirmed that, now. "Easy, Tiger," I said. "I'm your cousin, remember?" "Yeah, I know," he said, deflated. But then he perked up again and said, "But who's your incredible friend in the red?" I told him it was Annie. "That's Annie?!" he gasped. "Oh, now that really is unfair!" His older brother, Jim, escorted Mom down the aisle, and Kevin contented himself by taking me on one arm and Annie on the other. When the ceremony started, I kept a close eye on Mom, but she was actually doing fine, not even a hint of a tear. When we all applauded the pronouncement of the marriage, she was grinning from ear to ear. "You're ready," I said in a whisper. "Don't start." "You are." "Stacy!" But I just smiled at her, and she lost the crossness in her face and smiled back. On the receiving line, Carol gushed over Mom and said, "Aunt Janette, it's time. Well past it. If I don't see you out there on that dance floor, flirting your still-cute little ass off, I'll..." "Carol! I'll remind you that you are talking in front of my daughters!" At that moment, she turned and, for the first time, looked at Annie. "Wait...this is little Annie?!" she gasped. "Oh, my God! She's gorgeous!!" She hugged Annie, then turned to me. "And you! Oh, Stacy! You are a vision!" I hugged her and thanked her. She turned to Roger and asked, "Aren't these the three most beautiful women you've ever seen in your life?!" Roger assured her that we were. It was during the cocktail hour that Kevin came up to me and asked if I would mind being introduced to a cousin of his on his father's side. The boy's name was Colin Grant, and the breezy manner in which Kevin introduced us suggested to me that he didn't think I'd be interested. He was Kevin's age, a sophomore at Manhattan College. He was very tall, over six feet, so that even with me in stilettos, he towered over me, and he was very thin, whipcord thin, and his facial features were sharp and angular. He was quiet and rather shy, and although he seemed pleasant enough, I could see why Kevin thought this would go nowhere, and I was pleasant until we were called in to dinner. During the first dance, Kevin was paired with one of the youngest bridesmaids, who was still a few years older than he was. She was also a bit heavy, and the bridesmaids dress definitely did not flatter her (do they ever?). They hadn't been dancing very long when I saw Colin ask to cut in. Kevin accepted, and with a look of relief, came over and asked me to dance. Of course, I accepted, although I felt a little guilty leaving Annie at the table. Still, she was perfectly happy, so I enjoyed my first turn around the dance floor. Kevin let it slip that Colin cutting in on his dance with the bridesmaid was the price he had extracted for the introduction. I reminded him once again that we were cousins, and he shrugged and laughed. As we danced, I found myself watching Colin. Unlike Kevin, he looked like this bridesmaid was the one woman in the place he most wanted to dance with. And when the song was over, she blushed as he thanked her for the dance. The band struck up another number, and Colin came right for me. We danced through a long medley of songs, and when it was over, we were all asked to return to our tables for the traditional toast. "See you later?" he asked. I felt a twinge of conscience. "Sure, but I don't know how much I can dance. See that girl in the red dress? That's my sister..." "She's almost as pretty as you are." "Thank you," I said, my breath momentarily taken away. "The thing is, she's probably the youngest girl here, and this is her first adult function, so..." "So, you feel guilty dancing too much unless she has someone to dance with, too. I get it. I'll see what I can do." Back at the table, I didn't say anything to Annie, who was grinning at me, or to Mom, who just looked pleased. We had the toast and then they served dinner. I saw Colin talking to Carol, but didn't think anything of it. Later, when the music started back up, I saw Carol patrolling back and forth, as if she were looking for someone. Suddenly, I saw her appear to dive into a cluster of people and emerge hand-in-hand with a very cute boy in his early teens. She approached our table with a look of triumph. He was cute, and I realized with a start that had he been a few years older, he would have definitely caught my eye. He had longish blond hair, blue eyes, and he was dressed in a pinstriped suit that made him look just a bit dignified. Annie was in conversation and so didn't see him coming. "Annie," she said, and Annie immediately stood up. "This is Jared, an old friend of the family's. He asked to be introduced; Jared, this is my cousin, Annie." Jared's eyes were wide as Annie stood up, and he stumbled through a muffled hello. He managed to ask her to dance, though, and they were soon out on the dance floor. "Stop panicking, Aunt Janette," Carol said with a laugh. "He's only 14." As Carol left the table, a middle-aged man approached, just starting to gray a little at the temples but rather distinguished looking. With no introduction, he asked Mom to dance. She just kind of stared at him. "Mom," I said in a stage whisper, nudging her. "I think the word he's looking for is ?yes'." She flushed, stood up, shot me a dirty look and went with him to the dance floor. Suddenly, Colin was behind me. "Is it now safe to approach the most beautiful of the three of you?" I turned to look at him. It had been said without a hint of hesitation or self-consciousness. As we got to the dance floor, the music slowed down to a very slow ballad, and I eased into his arms. And as we danced, I recalled him dancing with the bridesmaid, how gallant he'd been. When the song ended, I told him so, and he blushed a little. When the band took a break, we went outside to talk. Annie was talking to Jared just off the dance floor, and the nice older gentleman had taken my seat next to Mom. As Colin and I walked out, I felt my hand slip into his. He was an economics major, with a minor in computer science. He wanted to model major financial systems. I told him, somewhat sheepishly, that I was a senior in high school, but he smiled and said, "Just take it all in stride. I can tell just by talking to you that you're bright." We went back and danced some more. Mom was dancing with the Distinguished Gentleman again and Annie had already figured out that dancing and flirting were a powerful combination, much to Jared's delight. When they were ready to bring out the wedding cake, we all congregated back at the table, and the guys all pulled loose chairs over to stay with us. The Distinguished Gentleman was Will Robards. He was the chief financial officer of a fairly large corporation. He was also a good friend of Aunt Freida and Uncle Ron, Carol's parents, having first met them on a cruise several years earlier. "The cruise to Mexico?" I asked, remembering the hilarious story that Carol had told about her parents and this other couple going to a party ashore and eating, without knowing it until it was too late, brownies spiked with marijuana. Will smiled, assuming I knew the story, and nodded. And then I realized that the fourth person in the story, his wife, had since passed away. I introduced Colin and Annie introduced Jared. I was immediately struck by the fact that Will did not treat any of us like kids, not even Annie or Jared. We were all couples. When the reception ended, Colin and I slipped out. We found a quiet corridor and he kissed me, shyly and sweetly. Without his asking, I took a pen and piece of paper out of my clutch purse and wrote down my name and phone number, and he kissed me again and promised to call. Then he was gone. I turned to go back to the ballroom and there was the heavy bridesmaid I'd seen with Colin at the beginning. It was obvious that she was more than a little tipsy, and just as obvious that she'd seen him kiss me. "You hold onto that one, girl," she said to me. "He's a real gentleman." I thanked her and headed back, but as soon as I turned, there was Annie in Jared's arms. I cleared my throat as I walked past. I didn't watch for a reaction, but I heard them both gasp and Annie blurt out, "Oh, shit!" Mom and Will were the only ones left at our table, and when Annie came in a moment later, not daring to look at me, Will said, "What lovely girls you have, Janette, but then how could it be otherwise?" Mom blushed. Will stood, and he escorted the three of us out to the parking lot. Suddenly, it all felt terribly awkward and I felt badly that Annie and I were there. "Will you?" he asked Mom softly. Annie and I exchanged glances. Mom stammered, and I calmly took the pen and notepad out of my clutch purse. "Is this what you're looking for?" I asked with a teasing smile as I handed him the slip of paper with Mom's name and our phone number on it. "Yes," he said with a smile, and he thanked me. Then he turned to Mom and added, "But I will not use it if you do not wish it." "Come on, Annie," I said. "In the car, now." We got in and I closed the doors, started the engine and turned on the air conditioning so that we could keep the windows closed. A couple of minutes later, the passenger side door opened and she slid in. 6 Jared called first, the following afternoon. Annie was on the phone with him for two hours. That night, at dinner, Mom laid down the rules, and for the time being, any dating that Annie did with this boy would have to be right in the house and only when Mom was home. "I'll be glad to..." I started to say. "Not on your life! You've done enough." Colin called Sunday night. He could only talk for a few minutes because he was about to head back to Manhattan, where he shared an apartment with three other guys. But he wanted me to know how much he wanted to see me again, if that was all right with me. "Um...yeah...sure...fine," I stammered. "What did you have in mind?" "I thought maybe dinner and a concert in the city next Saturday, if that's okay with you." An hour after Colin called me, the phone rang again. Annie pretended to be doing homework and didn't answer; I pretended to be studying vocabulary and didn't answer. We both overheard Mom's end of the conversation. "Hello...oh, hello, Will...yes, I did, I had a wonderful time...so did the girls...thank you, I think so, too, but them I'm their mother...would I what? Dinner? Um...yes, that would be very nice...Satuday night is fine, yes...where? Oh! I...um...yes, of course I would...yes I understand...I do have something appropriate, yes...all right...thank you, Will." By the time Mom hung up the phone, Annie and I were standing there. She still looked stunned, so we didn't tease her at all. "You're going, right?" I asked. "Yes, to a fundraising dinner for the New York City Ballet. He thought it would be an adventure for me. He really likes me!" "Ya think?" I asked, and Annie and I burst into giggles. My own date with Colin was no less impressive. It was dinner in the city followed by a concert at one of the smaller city venues by Acoustic Alchemy. In the course of the evening, I met a couple of Colin's friends, but the evening was really just the two of us. As he was kissing me goodnight in our driveway, I had a vague fear that Mom and Will might pull up, and wouldn't that be embarrassing, but no one bothered us. I lost myself in his kisses and found myself wishing he'd touch me, caress me, maybe even...no, I knew I couldn't do that. But oh, the desire! After I came in and showered and got ready for bed, Annie came in. Jared would be coming over tomorrow for the afternoon. She asked me about my date with Colin, and I told her as much as I dared. "Do you think he's the one?" she asked me. I laughed - a soft, gentle laugh that I made sure didn't sound like I was mocking her. "I will admit that he has kind of swept me off my feet," I said. "But, really, it's way too early for that. He's a really nice guy, super nice, and I absolutely love being with him, but I also know that you have to take it slow. "It's wonderful, that out-of-control-going-down-the-hill feeling that I know you have right now. You never get over that, at least I don't think I ever will. But that isn't real love. It helps, but it isn't the real thing." The phone rang. I looked at the clock and realized that it was 1:00 in the morning and Mom wasn't home, yet. In the handful of seconds it took to pick up the phone and answer it, I felt complete panic - what if something happened to Mom? What would happen to Annie and me? How would I take care of Annie? Where would we live, go to school... "Hi, Stacy," I heard Mom's voice say, and my heart rate fell back to normal. "I hope I didn't worry you." There was some static on the line and she sounded far away. I told her that, yes, we had been a little concerned. "I'm sorry, sweetie," she said, sounding very contrite. "After the dinner, Will drove me over to the 79th Street Boat Basin, where he keeps a yacht. We're out in the harbor, now, about half way between Staten Island and the Statue of Liberty." "I see," I said with a little chuckle. "And you're calling to tell us you won't be home?" There was a long silence. "No, sweetie. He did invite me, but no, I'll be home. But it won't be for a couple of hours, yet, and I didn't want you to worry." Annie and I both went to bed, but I couldn't fall asleep. I kept thinking about Mom and Will, Annie and Jared, me and Colin. No matter how they all played out, it was amazing that they had all sprung from Carol's wedding, and I realized that one event - me breaking up with Joe - had had a profound effect on five other people. I had just about dropped off to sleep when I heard noise downstairs. I looked at the clock - ten after three - and then I realized it was Mom and it sounded like Will had escorted her inside, which I thought was very sweet. I had only met him twice, so far, but I had decided I liked him a lot. At five to eight, I popped awake. I knew that Mom and Annie would both be sleeping in, and I was suddenly feeling this burst of energy. I decided to go down and make a fresh pot of coffee so that Mom would have it as soon as she woke up. Even though it was October, it was still rather warm, being more summer- like than fall. I had slept in a flimsy tee shirt that I used as a nighty, and a pair of skimpy cotton panties with little flowers on them. Annie usually teased me that they looked more like something she would wear, but they were comfy. I padded downstairs and made the quick turn into the kitchen. I took the coffee pot out of the dishwasher and filled it, then I filled the basket of the coffeemaker with French Vanilla, Mom's favorite. I had flipped the switch, and the water was just heating up when I heard from behind me, "Good morning." I jumped and turned and covered my partially exposed boobs all in one motion. It was Will. Looking beyond him, I could see a pillow and sheets on the couch. "I'm sorry I startled you, Stacy." "Um, that's okay," I said. "I didn't know you were staying over." "I hadn't planned on it, but your mother insisted. Tell you what - why don't you go upstairs and put on something a little more, uh, concealing, and I'll do the same down here?" I quickly changed into shorts and a tee shirt and sandals, and when I came down, he was dressed in cutoffs and a Yankees shirt. By the time Mom came down fifteen minutes later, he was reading the New York Times and I was making an omelet. I asked him about the boat. "It's quite lovely," Mom said. "Next summer, I'd love to have you all out on it," he said. "You and Annie can bring your boyfriends, of course." With Jenna gone, Madison and Caitlin were my confidants. They were both thrilled that I had a boyfriend in college, and while Madison had a boyfriend in school, Caitlin asked me one day if I thought any of Colin's fans would be good for her. I told her that Colin's friends were all wilder than he was, so I didn't think it would be a good match, but that I had another idea and would see what came of it. Meanwhile, the buzz all over school was about Mr. Landers. I hadn't seen him at all since school started, except the occasional quick hello in the hallway, because he didn't teach any senior classes that year. But Madison's younger brother, Jeff, said that his classes were a lot of fun, and either he had changed or we girls were crazy. One change, we knew, was that he and Miss Bernofsky, who he had been rumored to be dating last year, were a definite item. I had always thought she was pretty, with a pert figure and cute face, but she had always tempered that with conservative skirt suits, low heels and her platinum blonde hair kept back in a tight bun. This year, the suits had gradually given way to shorter skirts and delicate tops and higher heels; the bun, if she wore it at all, was loose and held with a big clip. They made no overt moves toward each other in school, but more and more we caught them making eyes at each other. And while they never left school together, Madison said she saw them drive by in town together a few times. I found myself feeling happy for them, especially Mr. Landers, although I couldn't have said why. I sailed through my exams. Colin drove me to each one and picked me up afterward. I apologized each time for being such poor company, but the exams each left me exhausted. "That's good," Colin assured me. "That way, you know you gave it your very best." After the last exam, he took me out to dinner at a quiet place in Greenwich Village and then we went back to his apartment to watch a movie on TV. His three roommates were out for the evening. It was Halloween night. Despite feeling so drained, when he pulled me toward him, I was happy to drift into his arms. He had a way of kissing me very tenderly, and tonight it just melted me. He began caressing my breasts, and I stroked the back of his neck. Up until now, he hadn't gone beyond this, but now I felt his hands slipping up under my top, and I playfully lifted my arms so that he could easily slip it up over my head. My bra seemed to melt away, and he began to tease, and kiss, and lick, and suck on my nipples. His shirt came off, and I loved the sensation of his bare chest against mine. I could tell by how he was cuddling me that he felt the same way about it. His touch grew feathery light and seemed to ignite fires in me. "I love you, Stacy." That pulled me up short. Joe had said he loved me, and I knew it was only to get me into bed. Colin wasn't like that, but I also knew our foreplay had gotten him extremely aroused. "You still don't really know me," I said. "We've only been dating for a few weeks. It takes a lot longer than that to know someone well enough to truly love them." He looked - not hurt, exactly - but taken aback. I felt badly about it, but I had a sense from having seen Mom just what it took to make a lifelong loving relationship. "I like you very much," I said. "I feel closer to you than any boy I've ever gone with. I have very great affection for you, and you, um, have a way of...exciting me. I don't want to lose any of that, and I know you have very strong feelings for me. I just think we need to take it a little more slowly and not force things." It took a minute, but he smiled and nodded. We got dressed and he took me home. Later, when I'd gone to bed, I fell asleep cuddling my pillow, pretending it was Colin. Sunday morning, as we were going to church, it was chilly and very breezy. The orange and gold leaves that had hung on the trees like nature's own Hollowe'en decorations were suddenly ripped away and the ground was matted with an orange and gold carpet. The chill breeze swirling around my legs, under my skirt, made me feel alive. After church, Mom suggested brunch out, and Annie and I readily agreed. A new place had opened at the mall, and we were eager to try it. As we were seated, I saw, sitting at a booth in the far corner, Mr. Landers and Miss Bernofsky. She was practically sitting in his lap, and they were oblivious to the not inconsiderable Sunday brunch crowd. "They make a lovely couple," Mom said. "They each seem to have loosened the other up a bit, which is nice." I smiled and nodded in agreement. When we finished our brunch, the two lovebirds were still there. I waved to them as we left but neither of them saw me. We walked back out into the main part of the mall and walked down past the boutique where we had bought our dresses for the wedding, past the shoe store and past the lingerie shop. As we approached the end of that wing of the mall, I saw a familiar storefront boarded up, and no sign of what had once been there. "Wait!" I said. "What happened to that nice Hungarian restaurant that was here?" "Honey," Mom replied, "that went out of business almost a year ago." "That's not possible," I said. "It was there just a few weeks ago." "You're crazy," Annie said with a laugh. "That place has been closed for ages." "It's okay," Mom said. "Stacy's in love."