Fallen Angel Chapter 5 The Journal Entries
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Night Entries, Chapter 2 free porn video
Night Entries, Chapter 2:
I couldn't go through with it. I'm such a coward. I guess I have no
choice but to keep on going, even if life makes no sense. I can only
hope its a short life, since there doesn't seem to be any hope for me.
******
I feel like some kind of zombie. I'm just going through the motions, not
living at all. I guess it doesn't really matter. I've kinda stopped
talking to God, since He doesn't seem to listen anyway. The other day I
actually screamed at Him, I was so mad. But even that didn't change
anything. Just how long will my torment last?
******
My knee feels better, which is okay, I guess. I got to thinking about
what happened with my dad and realized it would be pretty selfish of me
to kill myself and leave my body for my mom to find after she's already
lost him.
Its getting close to Christmas and the lights look pretty and even the
snow somehow looks better.I don't know if I'm any better, but I'm going
to try and survive.
*****
Merry Christmas, Diary!
It was actually a nice Christmas. John is just glowing with his new-
found faith. I'm still struggling with mine, but I'm happy for him. As
for my gender stuff, well I have a confession. I've been crossdressing,
"borrowing" my mom's stuff. I don't know how to describe how I feel
dressed, there are so many different things going on. There's the guilt,
of course. That's to be expected. But there is this brief moment of
relief, like I put down something super heavy I hadn't even realized I
was carrying. I feel light, and free and ...
So what do I do about that?
*****
Well, its the last day of the year, so I'll say goodbye, diary, until
next year.
Here's hoping its a better one.
*****
Happy new year, Diary!
I decided I'm going to do more boy stuff, and get rid of my desire to be
a girl that way. I've started letting my facial hair grow out, and I'[m
going to sign up for Track when school comes back in. Maybe if I look
more like a boy and act more like one, I'll feel more like one too.
****
Well, I'm back to school, and I signed up for Track, so that's part one
of my plan done. I'm also starting to get pretty fuzzy on my face as
well.
Weird thing is, its coming in red. I'm blond, diary, I mean really,
really blond, so how come its coming in red? Ah well, the point is I'll
look like a guy, and doing track will help too. This is going to work, I
can feel it.
******
I broke my arm, diary! I was practicing hurdles and I fell over one and
broke my left arm. Funny thing, I didnt even know it at first. My arm
was numb and I couldnt close my hand, but it didnt start to hurt badly
until I went to the school dance. I started dancing, and then the pain
hit, and I'm ashamed to say I passed out.
The vice principal took me home, and mom took me to the doc who found
the break. I'm in a cast now, and I guess Track is going to be a no go.
There is a meet coming up, and I'm signed up for a long distance race,
maybe I could still do it anyway?
****
Well, the race is over, and I finished dead last. For a while, I was
able to keep up, but my endurance just wasnt up to the task. But the
teacher seemed impressed that I tried and that I at least finished the
race, so I guess that's okay. I look weird with a red beard and a cast,
but at least I'm not getting called "fag" every day.
*****
I gave up on the beard. It just feels ugly and wrong to have one, I
couldn't look at it anymore. And its pretty obvious I'm never going to
be a jock. How am I supposed to fight this need to be a girl now?
****
We're moving, Diary.
The company my step-dad works for is pulling up stakes thanks to the
N.E.P. killing the oil patch, and they are going to Denver. I'll slip
you into my books, and hopefully mom wont look too closely. I don't want
to lose you, it feels like you are a real friend to me, maybe my only
friend. Kinda sad, isn't it?
*****
Hay, diary, welcome to Aurora, Colorado. Its a little bedroom town just
outside Denver. Its pretty, and its a lot like Calgary, to be honest.
The weirdest thing is, I'm no longer in Junior high. Grade nine is part
of high school here. I hate transferring schools in the middle of the
year. Maybe that's a good thing, nobody will even expect me to make a
lot of friends. If I'm lucky, I can stay under the radar here.
*****
My mom caught me in a nightie last night. I had found it on my way
home, and like an idiot, I put it on and then asked for a cup of hot
chocolate. She accused me of stealing it, which sucks. Now she thinks
I'm a thief as well as a pervert. Not only that, the tension in the
house is getting hard to take. She and my step-dad are constantly
fighting. Not fun.
****
My mom hasn't brought up catching me again, which is good. If she's
willing to forget it, so am I. The worst part of it was that she shouted
about buying me girl clothes, and more than anything I wanted to say to
her, "Yes, mom. I want girl clothes". Meanwhile, the tension is even
worse around here. I think my step dad is drinking even more than
normal, and I'm worried.
***
Diary, I'm going to have to make this quick. I grabbed you on my way out
the door, and am writing this while my brother looks for a place for us
to stay. Things came to a head, and my step-dad hit my mom. I snapped,
and grabbed the axe we use for the fireplace and seriously came close to
using it on him. But instead, I just shouted at him that he wasn't worth
it, and dropped the axe. Then he picked it up, and was going to kill
me, but my brother drop-kicked him.
We then went and grabbed a few things and left the house. We are hanging
around my church, and John's looking to find if he can get a hold of
someone to let us in, so we could stay the night. Can life get any
suckier?
Elissa
- 08.03.2022
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