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Chapter 1 "It is easy to see the truth in hindsight but we are often blind during the journey." *** No one was home and Steve found himself sitting at his mom's dressing table. He'd thought about doing this many times and he had to try it. The table was literally begging him to sit down in front of the mirror. "Why am I here?" He tried not to give it much thought as he grabbed a tube of mascara and loosened the cap. After a deep breath, he brushed the applicator over his lashes. He knew he'd done something wrong as his eyes started to burn and when he looked in the mirror and he saw that his eyelashes were now pitch black but so were parts of his eyelids. Tears streamed down his face and he smiled despite the pain. The results didn't look anything like what he'd expected but he felt a strange feeling in his stomach. "Steve we're home!" Everything was a blur. Steve put the cap back and rearranged his mom's room as best as he remembered. He ran to his bedroom and into the attached bathroom. Hearing footsteps, he plunged his head into the sink and scrubbed his eyes until they started to hurt. He knew something was wrong because he still felt a sticky weight on his eyelids. A quick look in the mirror confirmed that his scrubbing hadn't removed much. A voice came from outside his door, "Steve, can you help me bring in the groceries?" "In a minute mom!" Panic fueled his thoughts as he stared into the mirror, "Waterproof!" As the panic subsided, he started to think. "Soap!" He followed this thought with another brilliant idea. "Washcloth!" Steve began scrubbing his face like never before in his life. The soap on the washcloth took a grayish hue, which was a good sign. After a full minute of scrubbing, he rinsed his face in the soapy water and looked at the results. Most everything was gone but he missed a few areas. As he picked at the remaining flecks of mascara with a finger, he felt relief. He took one last look in the mirror and saw bloodshot eyes staring back. He didn't have time to wait as his mom wasn't known for her patience. Right on cue, he heard her voice outside his bedroom window. "Steven!" He sprinted outside just as she was pulling out the last bag of groceries. "Thanks for the help." "Sorry Mom." She started to hand him the bag. "Is everything ok?" Steve felt his face flush as he stumbled for words, "What do you mean?" "Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?" Steve lied, "Nah mom, I just took a shower and got soap in my eyes." "Oh ... ok. Well you know you can talk to me if there's something wrong." Steve replied, "I know that mom," not believing a word he said. *** Steve listened in to his parent's conversation later that day. "Steve lied to me today." "Really? What about?" "His eyes were red and I think he'd been crying. I asked him about it but he said he'd gotten soap in his eye." His Dad replied, "Well he did just break up with ... what was her name again?" "Suzanne." His dad added, "Yeah that's it, Suzanne. He told me he broke up with Suzanne because he's about to go away to school and didn't want the distraction. Maybe he had more feelings for her than he realized." "I don't know. He worries me." "Honey, we've done the best we could. All we can do now is pray that he listened. The rest is up to him." Steve thought he heard footsteps and retreated to his bedroom. "If they knew the real reason my eyes were red, they'd really flip." --------------- Chapter 2 (Three years later) Steve's hand shook as he dialed the number. After the second ring, someone answered the phone, "How may I help you?" "Is this the university counseling hotline?" "Yes it is." Steve wiped his eyes. "I'm not really sure what to say". "You don't need to say anything if you don't want to. Let me ask you a few questions and maybe hearing my voice will make you feel better." The woman paused which Steve assumed was so she could pull out a card with the appropriate line of questioning. "Anything you say is totally in confidence and won't be repeated outside of this phone call. I'm here to help in any way that I can. If you don't mind answering why did you call? "I just needed someone to talk to." "Are you thinking about harming yourself?" "No.... I mean ... a little maybe ... I just want to stop feeling like this." "Like how? " "I keep having these thoughts, bad thoughts." "Have you hurt anyone?" "No not like that. It's like ..." Steve took a moment to blow his nose. "It's like I'm just different and I want it to stop." "Many people feel that way. Do you want to talk to me about it?" "I really don't. I can't. It's just too embarrassing." "Have you talked with anyone else about it?" "Well, I've got a friend and I've given him hints but I'm sure he has no idea." "Do you want to talk to someone else?" Steve laughed, "Didn't you already ask that?" Steve heard her laugh, "Yes you are talking to me but I'm talking about talking to a professional. The school offers professional counseling if you are interested." "I think I'd like that." "I'm going to need to give me your name, address, and a contact number. Are you ok with that?" Steve wasn't sure he wanted to do that. "You aren't going to send someone to my house are you?" The woman laughed again, "Not if you promise me you are ok." He realized she already had his information from caller ID. That made even more nervous that he could expect a knock on the door any moment. "I promise." "OK. Dr. Johnson had a cancelation tomorrow morning at 9am. Will that work for you?" "At this point, anything will work for me." "9am it is then." Steve added, "I'm tired and I think I want to go to sleep. "Are you feeling better?" Steve thought about it for a moment then answered, "Thanks, I really think I am." "That's what we are here for. Just make sure you make it to Dr. Johnson's office tomorrow. She's really great. I think you'll like her." Steve hung up and lit a cigarette. As he exhaled, he looked at it, "Just another bad habit I've picked up in the last year." He walked into the bathroom and saw mascara had run down his cheeks but he'd expected that. He scrubbed the makeup from his face and watched as the colors washed down the drain. --------------- Chapter 3 As his father had always reminded him, Steve liked to stand out from the crowd. A look at the pictures from his senior prom was proof of that. Everyone else wore standard issue black or white tuxedos while Steve wore a maroon tux with a pink shirt and cumber bun. The fact that it was a perfect complement to his date's dress was secondary. He had to be different. Steve had gotten used to standing out from others from his success in sports. Although he wasn't very tall (only 5 ft. 9 inches) or big (150 lbs.), Steve was the starting wide receiver on the high school football team. A desire to improve his speed led him to the track where he surprised even himself by winning the county championship in the mile. This success put him popular with his classmates and made it easy to find dates. Turning dates into girlfriends was a different story altogether but he never gave it much thought until he met Kathy. Dammit! Why am I so weird? *** Steve got to the therapist's office 15 minutes early and filled out the paper work. He handed it to the receptionist who told him that Dr. Johnson would be available in a few moments. A short while later, a short woman with brown hair walked into the room. "Steve?" He nodded and she waved him in. Like all guys his age, Steve did an immediate overview of Dr. Johnson - - late 30s, decent rack, and great legs. As she walked to her office, he noticed a few other things. She wore very little makeup but what she wore highlighted her features. The business suit was just a bit shorter than he imagined most women her age would find comfortable but her legs made it work. On her feet, she wore black 2-inch wedges that Steve imagined would be more comfortable than heels. He shook his head. Two years ago wouldn't have noticed any of the subtle details. He'd gotten worse. Dr. Johnson interrupted his thoughts, "Your file is marked urgent but you left the questionnaire blank. What brings you to my office today? " Steve wasn't sure how to answer. "Well .... You see.... Ummm... It's like this. Well, I'm not sure." Dr. Johnson smiled as Steve continued to stammer, "How about we start over? My name is Angie Johnson. I'm a certified counselor and have a degree in clinical psychology. Why don't we just chat for the next hour and see where that gets us. I will take a few notes and I want you to keep in mind that anything that you say in this room will stay between us. Sound good?" She held her hand out to Steve. Steve took her hand and shook it, "Sounds fair." "Why don't we start with you telling me about your past. It doesn't have to be about anything in particular. I just want to hear some things you've done in the past 5 years." This subject was easy for Steve and he told stories of his mom, his dad, and his hometown. He spoke about his success in sports, his faith, and his life goals which consisting of graduating then getting a good job. Doctor Johnson interrupted, "I noticed you didn't mention dating?" Steve felt uncomfortable. "I've had plenty of girlfriends, just none worth mentioning. I like to play the field." "Do you consider yourself a ladies man or were any of these girls more special than the others?" Steve said, "I went out with a girl named Kathy for six months but that didn't work out." He looked at the floor. "Tell me more about her." Steve felt himself unable to speak. Why did she have to ask about Kathy? They went out and she broke up. It was as simple as that. He answered, "She was great. We just didn't work." "Why not?" Steve was getting annoyed. "It just didn't." "I take it she ended it." "Yeah." "When was that?" "About six months ago." "Are you dating anyone now?" Steve said louder than he meant. "No." Dr. Johnson paused for a second before continuing. "What about sleep? Are you getting good rest every night?" "Not really." "Any idea why?" "Not really." "Any interests outside of class?" "None really." "What about drugs? Are you taking any drugs that you didn't want to admit to on your chart? This is just between us." "I drink wine but that's about it." Dr Johnson wrote something in her notebook, "How much?" "I don't know. Maybe 2-3 bottles a week?" "When was your last date??" Didn't they already talk about his dating? "When Angie and I broke up. I already told you that. Doc, this is starting to feel like an inquisition." Dr. Johnson didn't answer and continued to write in her notebook. When she finished, she said, "We are almost out of time so let's recap th....." Steve felt a sudden panic and blurted. "See here's the thing - I think I'm gay but I'm not sure because I don't like guys and I know I loved Kathy but she won't talk to me anymore because she thinks I'm a freak and she might be right because I'm not like other people...." Dr. Johnson was writing and holding up her hand for him to slow down. "I mean I think things, things I don't really understand and I try not to understand but I do feel things and then I act on them and like I started smoking which I hate but I do it anyway and it makes me feel bad but I like it and well ... see here's the thing. I like to dress in girls clothes." The corners of Dr. Johnson's mouth curved slightly as she spoke. "Slow down. I can only write so fast. We are just about out of time but I think we've made good progress today." This comment surprised Steve, "What? Progress? How?" "I was concerned when you arrived that your request for this session came from the counseling hotline but when you got here you didn't want to talk about it. Now you do. That's progress." "It didn't feel like much." "Trust me it was. We need to meet more but for now I'm going to prescribe some meds to help you sleep better at night." "That's it? Doesn't it worry you Dr. Johnson that I might use them to kill myself?" "Call me Angie and if you wanted to do that there are many other ways you could do it. A good night's sleep can cure many problems but if you need to talk, here's my card. The number can get in contact with me day or night." "OK." "I have a free slot on my schedule every Thursday at 2pm. Can you meet at that time every week?" "Sure." "See you next week." --------------- Chapter 4 As Steve walked home, he thought back to his freshman year. College for many kids from city is the next step in the process. College for a country boy like him is culture shock of extreme proportions. He often thought it would be like taking someone from the 1800s and sending them to Vegas for a weekend. Many small town kids can't handle it and Steve knew he was no different. He almost fell over the first week at school when someone introduced themself, "Hi, I'm Tim and I'm gay." A breeze could have pushed him over. He'd never known anyone that was openly gay. People in his hometown never discussed the topic and when they did it was in hushed tones. Tim on the other hand seemed proud of announcing it to everyone. He laughed when he thought about his first trip to the communal showers after Tim's announcement. Tim stood naked in the shower and Steve hesitated to enter. Tim noticed it and embarrassed him by asking the group if they thought that Steve was too scrawny to be a proper date for a guy like him. Everyone laughed. No one seemed to care that Tim was gay and it took a while but eventually it dawned on Steve that Tim was pretty much the same as everyone else. The only thing different was he liked guys instead of girls. Steve tried not to think about the sex part but Tim didn't make it any easier. He knew Steve was uncomfortable with the subject and he loved to tease him with tales of his sexual conquests. That didn't stop them from becoming friends. Things started to feel normal after the shock of the first month. Steve definitely liked the freedom that came with not having his parents around. He learned a new appreciation for alcohol and that gave him the confidence for the first of many sexual encounters. Classes were easy and there was a party every night so it left a lot of time for experimentation. He knew the freedom changed him forever and his dad let him know he didn't like some of the changes especially since he'd let his hair grow out. "I'm not paying for you to go to school to come back as a foul mouthed hippie." Steve knew his language had gotten bad while he was away but he also knew he'd make a bad hippie as he'd tried to smoke a joint and decided it wasn't for him. He satisfied his Dad with the comment that his hairstyle copied current trends in Nashville and promised to watch his language in the future. That first year at school was liberating and once he returned home, he couldn't wait to go back. The world was much different than he realized and his high school friends seemed boring in contrast to the ones from school. They noticed the differences in him too but mostly that he replaced his normal jeans and a T-shirt with dockers and a button-down shirt. His mom was glad to see him wearing nicer clothes but less so when they went shopping for his sophomore year. The conversation reminded him of the discussion they'd had when he picked out the maroon tux for prom. This time she took a direct approach to voice to let him know she wasn't happy. "You want a pink shirt?" "It will make the girls think I'm sensitive". His mom shook her head. "If you say so." Steve knew his mom was too reserved to ask a bold question like ... "Are you gay?" Like all mom's her forte was guilt trips and now, even two years later, he laughed as he remembered their conversation. Even though he was friends with Tim, the idea of homosexuality seemed foreign. It wasn't that long ago that he'd even understood what the word faggot meant. That was when the story of Johnny Collins made its way around town. Steve was in 8th grade and he remembered the town's reaction like it was yesterday. "Did you hear that Johnny Collins boy went off to college and now is a queer? " " Yeah I heard that." "He was such a good kid. Why would he go off and do something like that?" "Who knows but I really feel for is his mother." "Me too. I will say a prayer for them." Things like that just didn't happen in his town. When the scandal broke, he tried to sympathize with Johnny but for the life of him couldn't figure out why anyone would be gay. Steve knew he liked girls. The day he bought the pink shirt his mom asked him if he'd run into Johnny Collins. Steve smiled. "No mom. He graduated last year." She gave him a blank stare then pursed her lips, "I blame his parents. You have to instill the right values in your kids or that will happen. I know that would never happen to you and your brother because your father and I raised you right." Steve did agree with his mom in that respect. He wasn't gay because he'd been raised right. It was as simple as that. --------------- Chapter 5 Steve showed up early to his next appointment with Dr. Johnson feeling excited to finish what he had started the week before. He hoped she could help him. Today Angie had on a long blue dress, high heels, and a lot more makeup. Steve stared at her technique until he noticed her staring back. She asked with a slight smile, "Good to see you again Steve. How was your week?" "Great thanks. I slept much better." "That's good to hear. The root of many problems can come from a lack of sleep," she picked up her notebook and read for a bit before continuing, "We ran out of time last week so why don't we pick up where we stopped?" Steve felt uncomfortable starting the discussion. "Where was that?" Doctor Johnson smiled, "Come on Steve." Steve looked at the ceiling and started. "Well. The thing is I don't know what my problem is and that's why I decided to come and see you. I mentioned that I've been dressing in women's clothes?" Doctor Johnson nodded and scribbled a few notes. "Yes." "It started last year and I can't explain it. The first occasion was a stupid costume party. Kathy literally begged me to dress up like a woman for Halloween and we both liked it so much that we used it to role play but she grew bored of it. I found myself thinking about it all the time. I loved the feel of the dress and the makeup and I started wearing it even when I was alone in my apartment. Evenutally Kathy found out. I tried to explain but she freaked out. I told her it wouldn't happen again but a few weeks later she found my secret stash of items I'd been buying and she wouldn't listen. We broke up a few days later." "Does Kathy smoke?" "Yeah. How'd you know?" "Just a hunch." Steve nodded. "Yeah, I never smoked until we met and I didn't try it until we got serious. I was always after her to quit but I eventually gave in. I didn't like it much but it seemed to bring us closer. After we broke up, I tried to quit a few times but eventually I found myself doing it all over again. I'm easily up to a pack a day." "I noticed you carrying menthol 100s. Is that Kathy's brand?" "Yeah." "Do you smoke in public?" "Sometimes." "Does it bother you to smoke in public?" "A bit at first but I got over it." "How do your friends feel about it?" Steve laughed, "Friends? I guess the ones that have seen me were disappointed but they really haven't said much." "What about your parents?" "They don't know and I can't tell them because it would crush them. My dad still holds out hope I'm going to go out for the track team in the spring. I don't have the heart to tell him I doubt I could jog a quarter mile without needing to stop." Doctor Johnson made a few more notes. "Why do you care so much about what your parents think?" "Well they're my parents. I mean they always told me that smoking was bad and here I am ignoring their warnings. I know they are right but I just can't stop." "None of us are perfect Steve. How do you know they wouldn't accept it?" "It's just different. I can't disappoint them." The conversation drifted for a while until Dr. Johnson said, "We are almost out of time but I think we are making good progress." "We are? We didn't talk about much." "We spent the whole time talking about your feelings instead of the last two minutes. I'd say that's progress." "If you say so Doc." "See you next week." --------------- Chapter 6 As Steve walked home, he considered what Angie had said about Kathy and smoking. It's funny she picked up on that as he'd never connected the two before. All he knew was he really missed her. Everything had all started so promising but then again he hadn't told the Doctor everything. It was hard to talk about. *** His sophomore year started just like freshman year. His new look was definitely a hit with the ladies which lead to a lot more parties and a lot less studying. For some reason, he found he had as many girl friends as guy friends. These settled into a series of platonic relationships, which led his male friends to complain that he needed to share his harem. His response was always, "You guys just don't understand." Things changed when he met Amy and Sue. He met them late one night in a bar and they were nice enough to offer him a ride home. He was a too drunk to give proper directions so they let him crash on their coach. When he woke, he realized they lived less than a block from his dorm and before he knew it, he was spending most of his free time in their apartment. His partying had hurt his grades and Steve knew he needed to pull back from the bar scene. Their apartment became his refuge and they began a routine of drinking wine in their apartment and watching old movies after they finished their studies. *** It was nice to have good friends like Sue and Amy though he couldn't have known they would doom his relationship with Kathy before it started. He remembered the exact date. It was the morning after his 20th birthday. Steve had been partying all night with his friends and he decided it would be funny to make a late night visit to their apartment. It was a Tuesday night and he woke them before passing out on their couch. As he slept, they plotted their revenge. He woke late the next morning and saw they were gone. He didn't take time to think about it as he was late for class and ran home to get his books. He didn't have time for a shower so he put on a hat and ran to class. As he was running, he noticed that people were staring but ignored it. When he got to class, things started to make sense when he noticed his lab partner was also staring at him and she asked, "Are you wearing blush?" He rubbed his fingers on his cheeks and saw a reddish powder on his fingertips. He blushed for real as he lied, "I don't think so". At this point, the exertion of running all the way across campus caused him to sweat and it started dripping across his face. She laughed, "Perhaps you aren't wearing blush but now your mascara is definitely running". Steve made a dash for to the bathroom and when he looked in the mirror, he saw his face was a swirl of colors from the makeover he'd received while sleeping. All the funny looks he'd gotten as he ran to class now made sense. As he scrubbed his face, a memory of his mom's dressing table flashed in his brain. He scrubbed harder then returned to the classroom. When he sat, he whispered to his lab partner, "I'm going to kill my friends." She laughed, "It actually didn't look that bad until you started sweating." "I'm still going to kill them." *** That afternoon, Amy and Sue broke into laughed so hard they started crying as Steve told them the story. They especially liked the when he told them about the classmate complementing them on their handiwork. Steve specifically remembered Susan's comment. "You know, you actually were pretty easy to make over. I think you'd make a pretty believable girl." Steve blamed his slender build. It had always been a curse. He'd always been smaller than his most of his friends and his older brother teased him unmercifully by calling him a runt. It didn't help that his brother had the husky frame of his dad. Despite the prank, Steve started to spend even more time with Amy and Sue. Nights on their couch became commonplace and their friendship evolved into the closest relationship he'd ever known outside his mom and dad. The fact that it wasn't sexual didn't bother him in the slightest which is why the conversation with Sue at the end of the year really made him mad. "I love you like a brother and I really don't care if you are but I have to know. Are you gay?" The question stunned Steve, "What?!?! What do you mean?" "Just answer the question. Are you gay?" Steve answered, "Of course not. I've slept with dozens of women in the last two years. The number of men I've slept with remains at zero." Sue didn't let up. "But you aren't serious with any of them. You jump from woman to woman without any real intent. You don't even seem to like women all that much." Steve answered sarcastically, "I like you two." "That's the thing. I'm glad we are friends but I've practically thrown myself at you since we've met and you've never taken advantage. Why stay here so much if you aren't interested?" Her question hurt, "I like to think it is because I value your friendship." "I don't know Steve. There's something that isn't quite right about you." Steve didn't know how to respond. He'd been good friends with Sue for over six months. How could she ambush him with a question like that? He needed to talk to someone and could only think of one person to call that might understand. Tim was surprised when he called as they'd lost touch since freshman year. They decided to meet at the college union for lunch. Steve started the conversation, "I have a question and you were the only person I could think to ask." Tim didn't say anything. Steve asked, "How did you know you were gay?" Tim smiled. "Why do you ask?" "Why do you think? " "I'm sorry it's just ... well... that's a funny question coming from you." "Please, I'm serious and this is tough for me." "I know it is and I'm sorry. It's just that this isn't that easy for me to talk about either." This surprised Steve. Tim had always been open about his sexuality, "But you've always seemed so nonchalant..." "Trust me, It's an act but I think it is different for everyone. I knew from a young age that I was attracted to men but it was confusing. I mean it's not like there's a handbook on these types of things. I didn't want to be different so when I was a teenager I went on a few dates with girls but it didn't feel right. It isn't like I have no attraction to women but there was no spark. I worked through a lot of self-hatred but eventually I went out with another guy. I can't explain it but it just felt right. I've never looked back after that." "I don't think I could ever do that." "Then why are you asking?" Steve stumbled, "Well see there's this girl. And you see..." Tim nodded as Steve paused. "You can't ever repeat what I'm about to say. You've got to promise me." Tim said, "OK". "I mean really promise me." Tim laughed and raised his right arm, "OK. I promise not to repeat what you are about to say." Tim had picked on Steve but knew he could trust him. "Thanks Tim. This is just hard for me. You see I'm wondering ... well ... I'm not really sure but someone told me they think I might be gay and I'm wondering if they might be right." "Why do you think that?" "I go out on a lot of dates but I can't seem to find a girl I want to be my girlfriend. Some of my friends have noticed it and even a few have commented on it. I just don't know what's wrong with me." "Let me ask you a question - Are you attracted to men?" "No. At least I don't think so." "Do you ever have gay dreams?" Steve laughed, "No, never." "Are you attracted to women?" "Definitely." "I'm no therapist but you don't sound gay to me. I had gay dreams long before I ever thought about asking anyone out. I think it was my subconscious mind trying to point me in the right direction but it took me a long time to listen. Do you have many odd dreams?" "All the time but they rarely involve anything sexual." "Your best bet is to talk to a professional but in my opinion you are just an asshole with commitment issues." A smile crept into Tim's face. "Fuck you too Tim", Steve said. "And thanks." They both laughed as they shook hands before parting, "Anytime Steve. If you do decide to join the other team, look me up. I've been told I give a heck of a ..." Steve covered his ears at the start of one of Tim's favorite taunts, "La-La-La ... I'm not listening!" *** Finals sophomore year came soon enough and another school year was over. He returned home and was once again amazed to find how little had changed while he was gone. He spent his summer in the fields. It was hard work but the pay was decent. His dad was still complaining about his "hippie hair" and on the hotter days he considered cutting it but decided instead to pull it back into a ponytail. He spent his nights catching up with his high school friends at a local tavern. It seemed like half his class had already gotten married and most of them had kids on the way. He couldn't imagine settling down that quick. He loved a few things about being home. Mom had dinner on the table every night at 5:30 and she did his laundry every week. After dinner, Dad was in his favorite chair complaining that the liberal media was ruining everything and that the country was going to hell. Even now, a year later, Steve smiled as he thought about it. The whole town showed up to church on Sundays to hear Pastor Dan give another of his famous sermons. Steve knew he always felt better after hearing one of his stories. Working in the fields was boring and that gave Steve a lot of time to obsess about Sue's comment. He thought about talking to Pastor Dan but the whole thing was too embarrassing. Thoughts crept into his subconscious. That summer was when the first dreams occurred but they were nothing like the one's that Tim described. 2-3 times a week he woke in a cold sweat with the memory of sitting at his mom's dressing table while Amy and Susan applied makeup to his face. They worked for hours and when they turned the chair to face the mirror, he saw a beautiful girl staring back. The memories of this dream haunted his thoughts. What did it mean? As luck would have it, his parents were shopping in the city on one of his days off. They'd be away for hours and he couldn't help himself. Again he found himself sitting at his mom's dressing table looking at the confusing array of bottles. There were all sorts of eyeshadow, a few types of blush, mascara and eyeliner, cr?mes and ointments, nail polish, lipstick, and lipliner. He'd never paid much attention to just how much stuff women used to make themselves beautiful. He shaved and did what seemed to make sense. He applied base then quickly added eyeliner, eyeshadow, and mascara. It took a lot longer than he expected and it was a lot more difficult than he'd ever realized. He even poked himself in the eye again. He added blush then applied red lipstick and lipliner for the final touch. As he looked at himself in the mirror, he laughed as the image from his dream looked nothing like this. The eye shadow was applied unevenly and he'd put on enough eyeliner to make a raccoon jealous. The blush and bright red lipstick combined to make it look like he was a candidate for the circus. After a last glance in the mirror, he put everything back where he found it and retreated to his room. He sat in bed with a contented feeling as the makeup dried. He fell asleep like that and woke in a panic until he realized his parents weren't home yet. He hurried to the bathroom and scrubbed face. It would have been nice if the shame of that afternoon was as easy to wash away. *** Steve returned to college for his junior year and that was when he met Kathy. Kathy had gone to high school with Amy and just transferred to their school. Kathy was unlike any woman Steve had ever met. She smart, sexy with a sarcastic wit and before he knew it, he had fallen head over heels for her. As he thought back, perhaps it was just lust. Whatever it was, he didn't think long on how it might affect his friendship with Amy and Sue. After Sue's comments the previous year he was determined to make this relationship work. Everything was great until the Halloween party. --------------- Chapter 7 Doctor Johnson started the next session with a tough question, "Was the first time you dressed as a woman that night with Kathy?" Steve hesitated. She broke in, "I can't help you Steve if you don't tell me the truth. "Not really." "What do you mean by not really?" "Well I experimented a little before that." "How'd it make you feel?" "Bad." "Why do you think you did it?" "I don't know. I just did." "Did you masturbate when you were wearing makeup before you met Kathy?" Steve's face turned a deep crimson color. "No! Why would you ask that?" "Are you telling the truth?" "Yes. Of course." "OK. Let's move talk about after you and Kathy broke up. How does it feel when you wear women's clothing?" "I really can't describe it. I just feel comfortable." "Do you get aroused?" Steve hesitated, "Sometimes." "And you've masterbated a few times haven't you." "Yes." "What do you think about during?" "I don't know." "Think about it." "It's embarrassing." "I can't help you if you don't tell me the truth." Tears streamed down Steve's face, "I think about being a girl! Is that what you want to hear?" Angie answered, "Only if it's the truth." "Why would anyone say that if it weren't true." Doctor Johnson continued, "What do you think about after you are done?" The question surprised Steve, "Huh?" "After you are finished masturbating. What do you think about?" "Ummm ... I don't know. Not much. I can't remember." "Do you change back into your "normal" clothes afterwards?" "No. I pretty much spend my nights and weekend dressed in women's clothes." Angie wrote on her notepad. "You spend all your spare time in women's clothes?" Steve nodded. "What do your friends think of this?" "My friends don't know." Doctor Johnson looked from her notepad. "How can your friends not know if you are always dressed up?" "It's because I've become antisocial since Kathy and I broke up. I pretty much spend all my time alone in my apartment dressed in women's clothing." "No one visits you?" "Nope." "How is that possible? It sounded like you had a pretty active social life before you dated Kathy." "I did but over the last two years I started to spend all my time with Kathy's friends. When we broke up, it was too awkward to continue to meet and we lost touch." "What about old friends or people you meet in class?" "I've found that if you say no enough times, people will eventually stop asking you to go out." Dr. Johnson wrote on her notepad then said, "OK." She glanced at the clock. "We are about out of time but I want to touch on one thing before you leave. It worries me that you have pushed all your friends away. You don't have to tell them anything but I really think it would be a good idea for you to get out of your apartment." Steve shrugged, "I guess I could talk to my gay friend Tim. He'd understand if anyone would." Doctor Johnson shook her head, "Your gay friend Tim? You do realize how bad that sounds?" "Sorry." "What's your friend's last name if you don't mind me asking?" "Donelson. Tim Donelson" Steve saw a hint of a smile cross Dr. Johnson's face, "Ok, meet with your friend Tim and I'll see you back here next week. "Thanks Doc." --------------- Chapter 8 As Steve got home he changed into what he thought of as his "comfortable clothes". He found the process of putting on makeup to be relaxing and as he started his routine, he thought back to the first night he went completely en femme. Sue and Amy had a huge Halloween party and Kathy suggested that they turn the apartment into a brothel as that year's theme. Steve would be their pimp and they would be his girls. Sue liked the idea but added her own twist. "Did we ever tell you the story about Steve's last birthday? I'm thinking Steve should work for you instead." Kathy loved the idea. Before Steve knew it, the girls had planned everything. Sue and Amy were in charge of the costumes and alcohol. Kathy and Steve were in charge of the decorations and food. When the big day arrived and he finished the decorations, Amy and Sue took over. Amy ordered him into the bathroom to shower and shave. As he was just about finished, Sue knocked on the door, "When you are done put these on. I think you can figure it out." She had handed him a pair of underwear but they weren't like any underwear he'd ever seen before. He put them on and as he pulled them up he realized they were much tighter in certain areas and pulled his penis down and back between his legs. He had a little trouble pulling them tight until he realized he needed to push his testicles up into his body. He still remembered the shiver of that feeling as he tightened the gaff. It wasn't pain as it didn't really hurt. Emasculated was close but not quite right either. As he rubbed his hand over his groin and felt nothing there, he got a thrill he hadn't expected. As he posed in the mirror, he remembered being aroused by the look. He even strutted around the room but stopped as his arousal was making it uncomfortable to walk. When he exited, Sue and Amy burst into laughter, "That has to hurt." He answered, "It ain't exactly comfortable." When they stopped laughing, they ordered him to sit in the chair, "Hurry, we need to get ready too." It wasn't long before they started commenting on his looks. Sue said, "I never realized you had such high cheekbones. This base really brings that out." Amy added, "And I've always been jealous of your pouty lips. This lipstick will help them stand out more." Steve endured these comments and more as they pushed and pulled his body in unfamiliar ways. They applied all sorts of cr?mes and colors until they were finished. "Done! Kathy come out and tell us what you think." Kathy walked into the room and said in a shout. "Wow Sue you were right." Sue answered, "Just wait until we get the dress, wig and the other surprises." The girls laughed. Steve grew suspicious at the last comment but knew he was at their mercy, "Other surprises?" Sue's face took an angry demeanor, "Just sit there and be quiet, bitch. I'm your pimp momma tonight and you are just one of my ho's." Kathy laughed, "Someone is getting into character a bit early." Next came the panty hose, which weren't too bad considering the underwear had already done the tough part. Pulling them up and feeling nothing as the fabric tightened against his front was definitely a new sensation. Next came the padded pants which reminded him a little of the pads he wore to protect his tailbone and hipbone in football. After that a corset was applied which they tied as tight as they could around his waist. Sue explained that the goal according to the salesperson that sold them the items was to give the appearance of wider hips but a small waist. Next came the bra. Steve had never worn a bra though admittedly the thought had crossed his mind a few times. Sue and Amy had gone overboard on this too as it was a special bra with foam padding to mimic real breasts. As they fastened the clasp Steve looked in the mirror and once again felt himself start to be aroused. Luckily, the gaff held everything in place. The pressure from the bra felt like it actually improved his posture as it forced his shoulders back and his "boobs" out. "This feels really odd." Everyone stared back nodding their approval. Sue and Amy each took a hand and applied extra-long press-on nails to each of his fingers. They were painted deep black and he remembered telling them, "You sure put a lot of thought into this." Amy and Sue started to laugh hysterically and Steve started to feel self-conscious. The only thing that remained was the leather miniskirt and matching leather top. After that, they strapped him into a pair of black 3-inch heels and as he tried to stand, he fell back into the chair. He'd never worn high heels before and they were certainly a learned experience. As Sue called for Kathy to see the final product, she handed him the leather whip that matched the outfit. Steve asked, "Where's the ball gag?" Steve remembered the response as something like "We ran out of money." He was never completely sure Sue was joking. When Kathy came out, he swore he thought her jaw was going to hit the floor. He felt the same way when he looked in the mirror. It was strange. He knew he was looking at himself but he felt different. It was almost like his dreams had come true. He even felt like a different person, freer somehow. The party itself was funny as no one paid him any attention until someone mentioned they were surprised Steve wasn't at the party. When Sue stopped laughing, she spilled the beans. By that time the alcohol was flowing and Steve's memory wasn't perfect but he did remember being happy. The party died down around 1am and went Steve into Kathy's room to change into something more comfortable. The combination of long nails and alcohol made that impossible. As he sat on the bed trying to take off his heels, a silhouette appeared in the doorframe the whip in hand. The crack of the whip got his attention and Kathy ordered, "What do you think you are doing?" "I was taking..." She cracked the whip again, "No talking or there will be punishments! There is no Steve only Sara." Steve smiled as he saw where Kathy was going. "Sara is yours to command." The next hour was a blur and Steve couldn't remember a more pleasurable evening in his life. He was never entirely sure of Kathy's thoughts as they never discussed it afterward. When Kathy excused herself to go outside for a cigarette, Steve followed. When she lit hers Steve asked for one and Kathy laughed, "Since when did you start smoking?" "Sara's always smoked." Kathy shook her head at the comment and handed him one. He clumsily put it in his mouth and she lit it for him. After nearly choking after the first try Kathy helped him take his first steps to becoming a smoker. He remembered getting a buzz from the nicotine that bordered on nausea. His last memory of the night was kissing Kathy softly on the forehead and telling her for the first time that he loved her. She answered that she loved him too. *** It seemed like things would be that way forever but it only took another few months before it was over. Why couldn't he make it work with Kathy? She was pretty much everything he'd ever wanted. Why did he screw it up? His actions that led to their breakup played constantly in his mind like a bad movie. On the bad nights, it always led to more drinking until he passed out in front of the television. His college career was almost over and turning out to be a major disappointment. His grades had never been great and now with his recent troubles since he broke up with Kathy, he was dangerously close to flunking out entirely. The conversations with Dr. Johnson helped but he still spent every night alone in his apartment. Maybe meeting with Tim would help. He?d pushed Tim away but he?d always been forgiving. *** Steve worked up the courage to call him the next day. ?Hey Tim. It?s Steve. How?s it going? ?Not bad. You?? ?Well ? that?s why I?m calling. Do you have some time to meet?? ?Sure thing? Student Union?? Steve took a deep breath, ?I was thinking that perhaps you could you come over to my place?? Tim laughed, ?This isn?t some elaborate plot to seduce me is it Steve?? ?If that were the case Tim I?d just say it. You always were a slut.? Tim said. ?And I see you are still the charmer. How about tonight at 7?? ?Sounds great.? ?See you then.? *** Steve started to get ready for the evening and he thought about what he?d say to Tim. Meeting at a restaurant would be nice but they wouldn?t have any privacy. It also would have been too easy to avoid the difficult subjects. He decided to invite Tim to dinner at his apartment and spent extra time getting ready. As he looked in the mirror, Steve was reasonably happy with the results but mattered little. Tim would be shocked no matter how good his makeup looked. Steve finished up some homework and heard a knock on the door at 6:55 PM. ?Here goes nothing...,? and Steve opened the door. Tim stood speechless and a strange look came over his face, ?Steve?? ?Yeah.? ?I barely recognized you ? err um ? nice outfit.? ?Yeah, yeah. Come in and I will explain.? Tim sat on the couch without a word while Steve grabbed two glasses and a wine bottle. As he poured, Steve tried to ignore Tim?s stares. ?Please stop that.? ?Stop what?? ?Stop staring so much.? ?I?m sorry Steve but this is a shock. I really didn?t recognize you.? Steve lit a cigarette, ?Well, you are the first person that has seen me like this.? Tim said, ?I didn?t know you smoked.? ?It?s another bad habit I picked up recently.? ?You should quit.? ?Yep, I should.? Steve took another drag and blew smoke in the opposite direction. The room grew quiet. Tim sat without speaking for a few moments then asked, ?So what do you want?? Steve felt like he was about to cry but forced himself to speak. ?Dammit I don?t know. I just figured I could talk to you.? ?Because I?m gay? ? ?Kinda.? ?Don?t you think that?s a bit insulting. I?m probably as messed up as anyone. I hope you don?t think I have any answers.? ?I guess I just figured that you would understand if anyone did. I know you went through a lot freshman year and thought you might be able to help.? ?Yeah that was a tough year. I remember a particular bigoted hick that made my life hell the first semester.? Steve looked away, ?Yeah, I know. I was stupid. I didn?t know any better. Didn?t we become friends after that?? ?Yeah once you took the time to get to know me. I?m over it now but I didn?t like you much at the time.? ?That?s one of the things I?m worried about. I mean I know personally how mean-spirited people can be. I just needed someone I can trust to talk to that I thought might understand. That?s why I called you.? ?I guess that?s fair. I?m no expert though.? ?I appreciate it. You see here?s the thing ? I?m so fucking confused. Every night, I get home and I dress like this. I don?t dare let anyone see me so I?m always alone. I wake up the next morning and can barely look at myself in the mirror but as the day progresses, I can?t wait to get home and change again. It?s to the point I feel more comfortable dressed like this but I can?t go outside and it is making me miserable.? ?I?m sorry Steve but I?m really not comfortable talking about this.? Steve lost control and felt the tears rolling down his cheeks. ?I just need a friend dammit!? He looked down as the tears hit his blouse. Tim put his arm around his shoulder, ?I?m here. I just don?t know what to say.? Tim grabbed a towel and wiped the tears from Steve?s face. ?But I?m here.? Steve lowered his head and put it on Tim?s shoulder. No one said a word until the timer on the oven went off. Steve didn?t say a word and went into the kitchen. Tim asked, ?What?s for dinner?? ?Nothing fancy. Just a pasta dish I like to make.? ?It smells fantastic.? Steve took the food to the dining table and Tim brought the wine. They both ate silently until Tim asked, ?How?s the job hunt going?? ?Not great. I?ve let my grades slip and most companies won?t even talk to me. How about you?? ?I?ve got interviews with a few schools so I?m pretty hopeful.? Steve responded, ?That sounds great.? Tim smiled. ?Things sure have changed since freshman year?. ?What do you mean?? Steve said defensively. Tim said, ?I don?t mean anything by it it?s just that I was so sure of everything when I was a freshman. I had all the answer to life?s questions. Now I?m constantly questioning myself. ? Steve looked down at his outfit and laughed. ?Are you trying to say something?? ?Yes and no. Hear me out for a second. I mean I thought I really understood what I wanted from life but things aren?t that simple. I thought all I had to do was to get away from home, get away from mom and dad and everything would be better. I?ve always heard that the toughest part of being gay was coming out. Don?t? get me wrong it was tough. Telling my parents was the toughest thing I?ve ever had to do and the aftermath wasn?t much better as they kicked me out of the house. We?ve mended our relationship gradually and we have come to an understanding. They don?t ask and I don?t tell but the problems don?t stop with your parents. Every day I meet new people and I swear I can almost feel the whispers. It?s getting better but people are so damned judgmental. It?s like I have to come out every day and it can be exhausting.? Steve repeated his question, ?Are you trying to tell me something?? ?A little but I guess I told you that because I really wanted to ask a question. What?s your point of meeting me dressed like this?? ?I really don?t know. It started last year. Actually, it?s actually been going on longer but that?s beside the point.? Steve took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling. ?I really like dressing in women?s clothing. I?m not sure why but I think it is part of who I am. It?s hard to describe but when I?m dressed like this it feels ? right. It?s to the point that I?m always dressed as a woman whenever I?m home. I?ve been doing it for so long that I really look forward to Friday?s when I can be myself for the whole weekend.? ?Two whole days? I thought you said I was the only one that has seen you like this.? ?For the last two months I?ve pretty much ignored anyone that wants to do anything. I shut myself in here and watch TV and smoke a lot of cigarettes.? ?That doesn?t sound healthy Steve. When did you start smoking anyway? I remember you as being an anti-smoking fanatic as a freshman.? ?I was and I am. I know that sounds odd from someone holding a cigarette but it?s just a bad habit I picked up from my ex and I haven?t been able to stop. It?s honestly to the point that I think cigarettes are the only thing keeping me sane and I know that is crazy.? Tim laughed. ?So you are a chain smoking shut-in?? ?I?d put it nicer than that but it?s about right. Every Sunday night I get depressed thinking of Monday. The next day I put on my ?regular? clothes and go to class but they don?t feel right anymore.? ?Have you ever thought of going out dressed as a woman?? ?Are you kidding me!?!?!?? ?No. If it is so important to you that you are depressed when you aren?t dressed like that then why not?? ?I just can?t. People will stare. Then they will make comments. Eventually I?m sure someone I know will find out and I just can?t deal with that.? ?Yeah? So fuck ?em if they can?t handle it.? ?I can?t handle it.? Tim shook his head, ?I know from personal experience there will always be haters. Did you ever go to a therapist like I suggested?? ?Actually I did.? ?And?? ?She?s pretty cool. She was the one who told me I should reach out to a friend.? ?And you thought of me? I guess I feel a little honored.? ?You are the most open minded person I know.? Tim changed the subject, ?I?m glad to hear you are seeing someone. It has helped me a lot.? ?You go to counseling too?? ?That?s why I suggested it. Everyone goes through things they need to talk about. It?s really nice to get another person?s opinion to help through things I can?t work out. Angie has really helped me.? Steve laughed, ?Doctor Johnson???? ?Yeah she?s my therapist. She?s great.? Steve doubled over in laughter, ?Yeah ? I know. That?s who I?ve been seeing too.? ?You?re kidding. Seriously? ? Steve nodded, ?Yeah, I?ve only seen her for about three weeks but she?s helped me. I told her I was thinking about talking to you.? ?I bet she thought that was funny.? ?Probably. Now she gets to hear about tonight from both of us.? Tim put his hands on his hips in mock anger, ?What makes you think I want to waste my time with the doc talking about your lame ass. I got serious issues to discuss!? Steve shook his head but he was smiling, ?Whatever Tim, do you wanna watch a DVD?? ?Are you changing the subject?? Steve looked at Tim and didn?t say much for a few seconds. ?Yes, and I really appreciate you coming over here.? ?You?re welcome Steve. It is still Steve right.? Tim laughed. Steve answered, ?Oh fuck you. That?s cold.? Tim said, ?I could say a thousand things like that and we still wouldn?t be even for freshman year.? Steve answered, ?Yeah you?re right, sorry about that.? Tim was smiling. ?Water under the bridge man. You just need to learn how to take a joke or you will never make it.? ?Well ? I am feeling kind of gay right now so I guess that?s a start.? Steve started the DVD. Tim said, ?If that was an attempt to hit on me, I?m sorry but I?m not into girls.? Steve turned down the lights and answered, ?That?s good because I?m still not into men either?. The two friends laughed and sat to watch the opening credits. Steve found himself looking at Tim and knew he was lucky to have a friend like him. A mental image of kissing Tim popped into Steve?s head and he forced it out. *** When Steve arrived at Doc Johnson office the next week he noticed she was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and had a big smile on her face. ?Tim told you.? ?I can?t talk about a session with another patient.? ?Bullshit.? ?We?re on a real fine line here and I will confirm that Tim is a patient of mine and has been for a few years. ? ?I can?t believe he has been seeing a therapist. He?s always seemed so sure of himself.? ?Most people hide their true feelings. Speaking of which, I heard through the grapevine that you had dinner with a friend last week dressed in women?s clothing. That?s progress.? ?Yeah. I decided if I was going to meet with Tim, it was time to share my secret.? ?That?s really great. I think you will find having a friend will be very important. ?For what?? ?We really haven?t talked much about why you called the university counseling center in the first place.? ?You never asked.? ?I wasn?t sure if you were really ready to answer it but I think you are now. Do you know why you called?? ?I think it is pretty obvious since I?ve been shut up in my apartment for almost 2 months.? ?That?s not why you called, that?s just a symptom of why you called. Why did you call?? ?Because I was depressed.? ?I?m sure there was more to it than that.? ?Honestly Doc I?m not sure what you mean. If you think I was going to kill myself I can?t say the thought didn?t cross my mind but I don?t think it was a serious thought.? ?So why did you call? ?I don?t know. Perhaps it?s because I look in the mirror and don?t know who I am anymore.? ?Did you ever?? ?I don?t know. I guess I didn?t.? ?You mentioned last time you thought you were gay. Why do you think that?? Steve was getting angry, ?Have you been listening to me!?!?? Doctor Johnson smiled. ?Do you have feelings for men?? The mental image of kissing Tim popped into his head, ?I don?t think I do but I?m a bit of a mess these days.? ?At the risk of sounding like a professor I want to tell you few things. I personally don?t like the term gay because a person?s sexuality is much more complex than one word can possibly describe. Not everyone agrees but I personally like to think that sexuality is made up of four things ? genetic sex, gender identity, social identity, and sexual orientation.? ?That made no sense.? Doctor Johnson laughed, ?I didn?t think it would but I wanted to introduce the concepts. Next week is Thanksgiving so we won?t be able to have our normal Thursday meeting but I?d like you to check out a few books from this list at the library. They will give you a much better understanding.? ?That?ll work out since I?m planning on spending the whole time in my room.? ?Aren?t you going home to be with your family?? ?Yeah, I meant my room at my parent?s house.? ?Part of the reason I wanted you to go out with Tim was to get you out of the house. That didn?t work exactly as I expected so now I?d really like it if you made an effort to socialize with some of your friends back home.? ?I?ll try.? ?That?s all I can ask. I?d also like you to tell your parents about your smoking.? ?What? Why?? ?Let me ask you ? Did you smoke over the summer?? ?Yeah but I only did it when they weren?t around.? ?It wouldn?t surprise me if they already knew especially if your mom still does your laundry. Things like that are hard to keep a secret. Honesty is usually your best option and you really should tell them. None of us are perfect and the main reason parents get disappointed is they don?t like to see their kids repeat their own mistakes. They will adjust in time.? ?I?m not sure I can.? ?How do you expect to ever figure out who you are if you are always lying about yourself to others?? ?All right doc, I?ll think about it.? Doctor Johnson looked at Steve and it felt like she was trying to read his thoughts. ?It?s a start.? ?OK.? ?We are almost out of time but I have to ask one last thing.? Steve nodded. ?I have a colleague that is doing testing for a research project and I think you might be a perfect candidate. He?s got an opening the Monday after Thanksgiving and I?d like you to see him. His research will be helpful with our discussions and I hope to have the results at our next meeting.? ?Sure, whatever.? ?You don?t sound sure.? ?Sorry, this has been a tiring session and your earlier comments have me worried about my trip home.? ?Are you nervous?? ?A little.? ?That?s normal. You?ve got a lot on your mind and you really need to relax. That?s why I gave you homework.? ?If you say so. I?ll try.? That?s all I ask. See you in two weeks.? ?See ya doc.? *** Tim called a few days later and after gossiping about their separate meetings with Dr. Johnson, Steve realized that Angie had asked Tim to follow up. It was great to hear from him and they agreed to meet for drinks the next night. Tim saw Steve across the bar and sat down at his table, ?Oh hey Steve. I almost didn?t recognize you without your mascara and lipstick.? Steve looked around to see if anyone heard. Tim looked apologetic. ?Sorry Steve but I wasn?t kidding when I said you need to learn to not be so sensitive if you ever plan to go public. It was a hard lesson for me and some people aren?t as accepting as others.? ?Are you ever going to let me forget that? Sorry. I was a jerk.? ?That?s not what I am saying. After you got to know me we became friends but there are many ignorant people in the world that aren?t that open-minded. You can?t let them get you down.? Steve changed the subject, ?Hey speaking of my issues?.? He smiled and pointed under the table. Steve had pulled up a pants leg to reveal he was wearing a pair of stockings under his pants. ?I thought I?d try it out. Honestly it?s feels great.? ?That?s great. Small steps.? ?I never considered looking forward to cold weather but I?m already thinking of all the different things I will be able to try once it?s sweater season.? Tim shook his head, ?Oh my god, I?ve created a monster!? They chatted aimlessly for hours like any good friend then said their goodbyes. As Steve walked home, he felt great. It had always bothered him how badly he?d treated Tim when they first met. He?d said some really stupid things but Tim never held a grudge. If Tim were vindictive, he now had all the ammunition he needed to get back at him but Steve trusted Tim. He was pretty sure people in their situations could?t afford to lose true friends. --------------- Chapter 9 Steve replayed his sessions with the doc in his mind as he drove home. He wasn?t sure if they were helping but it was nice to talk. He?d even checked out the books Dr. Johnson had suggested. He?d also made a life changing decision and quit smoking cold turkey. He had been smoke free for almost 8 hours and had bought some nicotine gum to help him get through the weekend. The house looked the same as his memory. ?Hey Mom I?m home.? Most of the family was there when he arrived. Grandma and Grandpa Robinson, a few Aunts, Uncle Sal, Mom, Dad and a few of his cousins. His brother wasn?t there as he?d gotten delayed at work but he was expected to arrive later that night. Steve took a quick shower and sat down on his bed. Nothing had changed in the room in the 3+ years he?d been away for school. It was comfortable and at the same time, a bit unsettling. He sat in silence for a few minutes then picked up one of the books he?d checked out from the library. He?d only been able to get two of them and the book called ?Human Sexuality? looked too big so he started reading the book called ?Undoing Gender?. He read the first first few pages when his dad knocked on the door. ?Dinner?s about ready. Wash up and come to the table to get something to eat.? He noticed his dad?s eyes focus on the book on his night?s stand. His dad started to say something but stopped and walked out of the room. Steve shouted after him, ?Be there in a second.? Steve put the books in his book bag and put the bag under his bed. No sense in leaving it out as that would only invite more questions. As he walked to the dining table, the hum of the conversation got louder and louder. His family loved to get together and the best part was the conversations. In the past, he?d been relegated to the children?s table but since his brother was late he took a seat at the grownup table next to his Uncle Sal. Sal took a look the new arrival and asked, ?How?s school going?? ?Not bad. I have final exams in two weeks then one more semester and I?m done.? ?Any job prospects?? Steve lied, ?Not yet but I?m still interviewing.? ?It?s a bad time to be looking for a job.? ?No doubt.? His dad interjected, ?What was that book I saw you reading earlier?? Panic set and Steve knew his face turned a bright crimson color. He looked around the table and saw 6 pairs of eyes waiting to answer. ?Um? it?s from an elective class I?m taking called ?Human Sexuality?. It?s a class about um ? men and women and their ? err ? relations.? Sal?s hand hit him in the back, ?A chip off the old block eh? You know your dad was quite the ladies? man back in the day until my sister got her claws into him. You?re smart to learn how they think. I?d give anything to be 21 again.? Grandma Robinson said, ?Sal! You?re embarrassing the boy.? ?Sorry mom.? Uncle Sal said. Steve heard his cousin Sandy?s laugh coming from the kiddie table. Steve?s dad seemed annoyed by the change in topic so he changed it back, ?What kind of class is that to be taking?? ?I needed an elective.? ?I hate to think I?m paying good money for a class like that.? Steve responded without thinking, ?Technically the