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Still Rocking. By Trish. I am sure when Susan first got back from Afghanistan, most people who knew her probably thought her sudden passion for injured soldiers and their families was just a passing phase, and I'll admit I was one of them. When it came to Susan I was still torn between two poles and had been talking to a therapist to help me get over of the bitterness I still felt about how she used me. I know if she had not done what she did, then I would probably have spent my life trapped in a soul destroying struggle between social expectations, and my sexual desires and gender confusions, but that's not the point. If she had just given me the choice I would have jumped at the chance to become who I wanted to be. Instead she falsified my medical history and manipulated me into becoming Jessica, and by doing it that way she damaged my ability to trust. It took me a long time to regain that, and my trust issues almost wrecked my relationship with Rich before it started! Things were a lot better between us than they were when I quit the band, because we were at least now able to be civil to each other. I'll also admit that Amy's presence when we played that last Rockbabes gig in Liverpool five years ago, did allow me to forgive Susan professionally but I doubted that I would ever feel comfortable enough to work with her again. Knowing how selfish she could be, I was surprised when she became a vocal supporter of something other then herself and her career when she got back from Afghanistan. I guess if I am honest about my feelings towards her, at that point in my life I don't think I was ready to take anything Susan said at face value. I suppose deep down I did not think she had really changed. My view of Susan was coloured by my experiences and knowing that she had not gone to Afghanistan out of choice did not give me any reason to take her sudden compassion for the soldiers and their families at face value. Kelly had told me that it had been a requirement of the role when Susan won the part of Florence Nightingale that she went to Bastion before 'Lady of the Lamp' went in to production. Andrew Lloyd-Webber wanted her and others in the cast to spend a month or so experiencing what it was like being a military nurse in a war zone. Little by little however my attitude about her motivations began to change when I saw just how seriously she was taking her campaign and began to hear from others just how much of her time, money and professional opportunities she was giving up for it. From the side lines I watched for a couple of years as she campaigned tirelessly for military charities. Then she really stunned me by joining the Territorial Army Medical Corps just so she could deploy back to Afghanistan and make use of her professional qualifications as a psychologist! Equally surprising was her willingness to help out as a nursing auxiliary at Queen Elizabeth's, the main military hospital in the UK. In the past Susan had always put either the good of the band or her own career first and when I heard she turned down a major film role because it interfered with her intention to go back to Afghanistan I was truly 'gob-smacked!' When she got back six months later from that official deployment, Susan threw herself completely into her fund raising and put together her first benefit concert. I know both Beth and Kelly felt as slighted as I did when she did not ask if we (her old band mates) wished to be a part of it because we would have played the benefit. Looking back at her motivations now though I can understand why she did not call us. Even though at the time I would never have believed it, the reason she did not ask was because she was ashamed of how she'd treated us! I'll admit when she arrived at my home in the Lakes perhaps six months after her benefit concert and asked for my help I was surprised. I assumed she putting another benefit together and told her I was more than happy to do it. However I was not so sure when she asked if I would be willing to put the Babes back together for a one off gig to raise money for Help for Heroes the Royal British Legion and her family support charity. I'll be honest at first I was not to keen on the idea. Doing a benefit gig as myself was one thing, but reforming the Babes, that was a whole different kettle of fish! I was enjoying being out of the rock and roll world. After almost ten years in the public eye it was refreshing not to be constantly suffering media interest in everything I did or said. I liked being out of the mainstream press. I had everything I ever wanted. I lived in the Lake District, had someone in my life who made me very happy. Someone who had fallen in love with me as Ruth Woods the fiddle player, not Jessica the Rockbabe! I was also finding success as a musician performing on the folk music circuit, after my Sandy Denny tribute album opened the door to a solo career. I probably would have turned her down if my fianc?e Rich had not told me to listen to what Susan had to say before I made up my mind. Although I had never met any of them I knew Rich had a few climbing mates in the SAS and that a couple of them had been wounded in Iraq and Afghanistan. What I did not know however was on climbing trips with them, they had told him just how much of a difference Susan's involvement in the charities was making. With Rich quietly insisting that I listened to why Susan wanted to put the band back together, I sat down to listen to her sales pitch. Even though I could hear the passion in her voice I was still very dubious about the whole idea as we sat down to eat. When she explained over dinner the struggles and after effects the combat veterans suffered when they got back, I started to waver. While Rich cleared up Susan and I sat in front of the fire when she started telling me about what it was like at Camp Bastions hospital when she was getting ready to play Florence. "When Andrew said I had to go I sort of expected the usual celebrity treatment. You know what I mean Jess, the preferential accommodation and all the usual perks but my god was I wrong!" Susan half laughed in a very unusual self mocking tone. "When I arrived it started out like the usual celebrity visit, I signed a few autographs before I was introduced to the camp CO. It was all very normal and then he said. "Mr. Lloyd Webber said we should treat you as just a normal auxiliary nurse and not to give you any special treatment." I told him that was what I was expecting and then he called a corporal to show me to my accommodation and it was not plush." "I expected something resembling a hotel and instead it was little more than a sandbag covered tin shed, which was hot as hell during the day and freezing cold at night... I can remember looking round it and was asking myself what the hell I was doing!" Susan half laughed again, "Anyway there I was trying to sort myself out when this woman stuck her head round the door with out knocking and said, "Oi, are you voluntary Nurse Bowring?" I guess I must have nodded because she added, "The Matron wants to see you, so if you want a bit of advice I'd shift your arse because if you're even a second late she'll have you!" "Five minutes later I met Mary, the hospital's nursing manager and she was like something from the past. A real old fashioned hospital Matron, and about the first thing she said to me was, "Don't expect a jolly, Susan, just because you're in show business, because we don't do jollies here!" Next thing I know I'm being issued an auxiliary nurses uniform, camp fatigues and being shown round the wards." Taking her time Susan explained how the hospital worked and what she was doing before she told me about the horrors she saw when casualties came in. "It was my second shift when I saw the first casualties. You'll never believe just how mangled a body can end up with modern firearms." Her tone changed and I could hear the pain in her words as she continued. "I was wheeling tea round to the lads when a klaxon sounded. Mary had told me that if I heard it I had to report to the main doors to help to receive casualties, and only minutes later I was helping to carry in a young soldier. He was fresh from a fire-fight and was leaking blood from his chest." She sniffed back a tear. "God it was horrible, and when I first saw him I froze. It was like something from a horror film.... Everyone else was responding and I felt like a spare part as they all swung into action around me. I did not know what to do, and then he looked up at me from the stretcher and whispered, "Oh wow its true, don't worry Ms Blade, it's my first time too!" Susan paused and wiped her eyes before she said. "The medic from the chopper later told me as the surgeons tried to stabilise the soldier, that during the flight to Bastion the lad. His name was Jimmy Parker, said he hoped the rumour about me being there was true because he was one of our fans!" "Anyway being dumb I asked what his chances were, and I could tell from the medic's expression that he did not think the surgeons would be able to save the lad. I was stood there feeling like a complete Muppet, when Mary reappeared and said Jimmy was asking if I would go and talk to him. With out any ado she bluntly told me. "Go sit with him Susan." I did not know what I could do, I had never had to face seeing someone who was probably going to die before." As Susan spoke it was clear that the experience had left a deep mark on her and her eyes were rolling with tears. Picking up a box of tissues I passed her one as she clinically told me. "He'd taken four rounds into the chest cavity, and should have died long before he got to Bastion, but some how he hung on. God knows how, because the bullets had torn one of his lungs to shreds, nicked his heart, mashed his liver and shattered his spinal cord bellow the chest. Even if he had been taken straight into a surgical unit here, he probably would not have made it and all we could do for him was dose him with morphine and make sure he did not die alone.... I felt so fucking useless Jess!" The tears were running down her face as she continued. "All I could do was sit there and talk to him holding his hand as he slipped in and out of consciousness. I'm sure he knew he was going to check out, and it was such a fucking waste, he was only eighteen... If I close my eyes I can still see the look on his face when he whispered. "At least I'm dying happy, I met a Rockbabe." And then he was gone!" I passed Susan another tissue. "God only knows how I got through the rest of that shift because I bawled my eyes out when I got back to my hut! I felt so dammed helpless Jess, and that was when I knew I had to do something for the lads and their families." Susan explained how she requested a visit to his unit, and when she did, she told me how one of his mates told her how Jimmy had joked to his troop sergeant the day before he was hit. "Hey if I get wounded, rumour has it one of the Rockbabe's is volunteering at Bastion! I'd take a wound for a chance to meet one of them, I've been a fan since I was a kid!" Susan thumped the seat arm, "He was still little more than a kid when I met him!" I might have had my doubts about Susan's conversion before but not any more, I knew her too well not to see that the experience had profoundly changed her. She spoke until late in the evening, and the more she told me about her experiences the clearer it became about just how deeply she had been affected by her time in Afghanistan! There was no personal politicking or grand publicity plan behind what she was doing. It was just a completely genuine desire to do what she could for 'the lads' and their families. Rich, who had been quietly listening, said, when we got into bed that night, "I want you to do it Ruth!" I could have quite easily turned down Susan, but not Rich, so I agreed, which began the process of my being able to truly forgive her. Although I honestly believed that Susan had changed, and managed to get both Beth and Kelly to agree to do the benefit gig. I was plagued with doubts about the wisdom of doing it until I met a couple of Rich's climbing mates who were in the Army. I think I mentioned that Rich had become obsessed with climbing Everest, and on one of his trips to the Himalayas had got friendly with a couple of mountain troop guys. They were up in the Lakes for a forces reunion dinner, and came over to see Rich about a route he had been scouting on the South West Face. I had been playing a gig in Newcastle the night before and did not know we had visitors when I got home demanding a brew and some TLC. "I'm out back Ruth!" Rich called with his tone alight with mischief. My god did I blush when I found them in the garden, but not as much as they did, because they obviously did not know he was my other half! It would have been funny if I had not been so mortified at my blatant demand for some loving when I saw two fit looking blokes looking back at me with their jaws on the floor. "Bloody hell you're Jessica Rockbabe aren't you!" One of them exclaimed. Thankfully neither of them seemed bothered about me being transgendered. Long experience since the Sun 'outed' me had given me a second sense when people see me as an ersatz female and I could tell from their body language that my birth gender did not figure in how they saw me. "Once upon a time," I admitted slipping onto Rich's knee and giving him a kiss. "Hi love miss me?" "Rich when you said you were getting hitched, I never thought..." "Always!" Rich said slipping his arm about my waist as he added to his friends. "I did tell you she lived locally." "When you said locally Rich I though you meant a neighbour!" The first one said. Rich grinned his eyes alight with amusement. "I told you I was getting married to musician called Ruth, but I guess I should have mentioned she used to be in a rock band!" "You bastard!" The taller one said. "Anyway, I told you I'd introduce you to my fianc? when she got home. So meet Ruth." He chuckled, "Ruth, meet Robby Jackson and 'Filthy' Phil Scott." He gave me a wink, "They're in the Army based in Hereford." "Looks like I'm making my own tea!" I mock pouted, before giving him another kiss asking, "Can I get you anything love?" "Three beers and a round or two of butties (sandwiches) would be nice." Rich said giving my bum a spank. By the time I got back they were talking Everest, and I was perfectly content to sit in Rich's lap and listen to them talk. It was not until after they had demolished the stack of sandwiches I made to go with their beer, that Phil commented he liked my Sandy Denny album and asked if I was still touring it? "I'm not touring the purely Sandy show any more, although I do sing a few of her songs in my current solo set." I said. "Pity, I wanted to go see the Sandy tribute live, but we deployed just before you came to the Courtyard in H." "H?" I asked. "Hereford." Rich supplied. "Well I'm playing the Courtyard in November, I'll send you a couple of tickets." I offered. "Just let Rich know how many you want?" "My girlfriend went to the last one, and got your autograph," Robby said with a smile, before asking. "So do you ever see Kelly and Suzie since the band split?" "I speak to Kelly on the phone most weeks." I said, "And Susan was here just a couple of weeks ago, floating an idea past me about putting the band back together for one of her benefit concerts." "And will you?" Phil asked. "Don't know yet," I said with a pensive smile. "We are all getting together end of next month in a rehearsal room in London, and then we'll see how it goes." "Hope you do!" Robbie said adding. "Your Susan is a fucking gem! We all love her in the Regiment! We had her down at the base just a couple of weeks ago to say thank you for looking after our families when we're deployed and our wounded lads, both out there and when they get home. Did you know she cut through three ton of red tape and paid for a new rehab pool at Queen Liz's (the main Military hospital) out of her own pocket?" "I didn't." I admitted. "Aye," Phil said, "And she flew the rest of Danny's family down from Aberdeen and put them up in a flash hotel out of her own pocket so they could all be Lyneham for the repatriation." Hearing these tough serious looking blokes praising Susan like that reassured me that I was doing the right thing as the reunion went from an idea to reality. In comparison to getting our stage crew back together arranging getting out gear serviced and out of storage, and booking our old rehearsal warehouse was a breeze. It took a little arm twisting and a few begging phone calls but eventually we got everyone on board with the plan, and when we finally got back together we did not get much work done at first. Imagine something like a cross between a family gathering and confining a bunch of loonies who had not seen each other in a few years into big shed and you'll have some idea what it was like! As many of our stage crew had been with the Babes from the very start, they were willing to play along about keeping 'mum' to the press about the reunion until after we had a chance to actually see how things went. I don't think any of us, including our crew wanted to risk making any premature announcements in case the rehearsals re-opened old wounds. Recalling how bad the relationship between Susan and the rest of the band had got during our final tour, I am pretty sure many of the crew were feeling as uneasy as I was about how things were going to turn out. It was not just the crew who were worried because Beth was more than a little uneasy about reopening Pandora's box. Having been sober and straight for over six years she admitted privately to me that she was afraid of falling off the wagon when faced with the pressures that almost ruined her. It had taken her a long time to come back from the brink and even though she was a much stronger person today, I could understand the reasons why she was so apprehensive about coming back. Deep down however I suspected that like me she was more worried about not being able to do it any more. We had been away a long time and I think we were all wondering if we still had it in us to perform to the standards our fans expected. The first rehearsals were a little surreal, it was like walking into the past. The warehouse had been set up as we always had it and seeing Beth's huge 'Rockbabes' drum kit, and all our stage equipment out of storage felt really weird. "What shall we do first?" Kelly said breaking the ice as we walked in. "Dunno?" Beth shrugged running her hands over various part of her kit, "Something simple." "I don't think we should do anything of ours!" Susan said, "Lets just have fun and play." "What about the Seeker then?" Steve our stage manager suggested. It was a good suggestion as all four of us were Who fans and cut our 'rock' teeth playing their music. "Why not?" I glanced at Susan and the girls asking. "Fancy it?" "If you want." She said. I think of us all Susan was probably the most apprehensive. Although to a degree 'we', the band, had to varying degrees forgiven her during that last night in Liverpool, actually playing together again was the acid test and she knew it. "The Seeker then on three." Beth decided, bashing her sticks together. We got half way through the number before, one after another, we collapsed into a tide of giggles because we were so awful! However, because we were awful it broke the ice between us, musically, and, after we got our giggles under control, we tried again and it was a little better. Even though we were supposed to be rehearsing for a Rockbabes reunion gig we did not play anything from our catalogue that day or for the next few days. Instead, we just jammed the rock classics we played when we were a just a covers act and slowly regained the band vibe. It was a lot of fun and rather reminiscent of when Beth, Amy, Kelly and I used to practice in grotty rehearsal rooms in Liverpool before Susan joined and pushed the band towards stardom. That first day was strange all round. I'd be lying if I did not say that at first the air between us was a little frosty, but playing together reawakened many happy memories and slowly we began to get things together. I suppose it took most of the first week before we started to find our feet as a band, and from then on we slowly but surely began to find our old performance 'chops.' The dynamic of the band had also altered, in part because we had all matured and changed in the time we were apart. Kelly had married her racing driver and built a life for herself as his wife in Monaco. Beth was in a settled relationship with our former record company handler, Kate, and keeping on the straight and narrow working with a drug rehab charity. I had taken a trip to Thailand a couple of years earlier and finally had the surgery to complete my SRS, before Rich asked me to marry him, and even Susan appeared to have found someone. She had good taste as well because, when we met her Army doctor boyfriend after he got back from Afghan, he was gorgeous! Our stage look and presence had also matured. I'm not trying to say we no longer made the most of our looks or aimed to put on a show, but our stage outfits were not quite as revealing and our stage show was nothing like as risqu?. We did not discuss toning down the act, it was just something that came naturally during the weeks of rehearsal. Since I was perceived by many to be the leader of the band, in the weeks prior to starting rehearsing I found myself lumbered with having to do a lot more 'management' than I had in the past, and I began to see just how much band related business Susan had to do when we were together. This gave me something of an insight as to why she had been so fixated on keeping us in the news, and I hated all the bullshit it involved! Whereas Susan always got a kick out of the wheeling and dealing that went with putting a show together. I have never liked having to deal with agents, promoters and the like, even though I have had to get used to it with my own career, it was and still is my least favourite part of the job. I ended up with the title more by default than design. This was mostly because I had been the one who had kicked up a fuss when our gigs started to become huge arena concerts that played up to the corporate dollar. The other factor in me becoming the unofficial leader of the band was because it had been my temper that created the situation that led to us breaking up. During the couple of weeks when I was having to deal with the bullshit, I relied heavily on Susan and Kate's (our old record company handler and Beth's partner) input, and in the process my relationship with Sue steadily improved. Amazingly we were able to get everything arranged with out the press picking up on what we were doing, but now we were actually rehearsing we all knew that would not last much longer. The final nail was when we all (band and crew) went out to dinner one Friday night after we had been rehearsing for a couple of weeks. There were a dozen or so of us, and although we had booked it under an assumed name, someone either from the warehouse staff or the restaurant had tipped off the press and they were waiting for us when we arrived! Thankfully Kate was with us. With her usual brusque manner she dealt with them, and even though they were all over us, she took charge and chased them away. When she finally joined us she said, "Well the cats out of the bag, now lets see the menu." Throughout the dinner no mention was made about the baying hord outside, but we all knew it was time to make a decision and it was Kelly who finally brought it up when she asked me over the coffee. "Well Jess are we going to do it?" I did not have to ask what it was, and as I looked at the others, Beth and Susan both nodded so I said. "I think we should, what do you think guys?" I looked at the crew, aware that both Kate and Steve were nodding as I asked mock formally, "All in favour?" I giggled when everyone raised their hands, and said in that same semi formal tone. "Motion carried," before looking at Sue and saying, "Well this is your idea what's the plan?" "There isn't one, other than I want to raise as much money as we can," Susan said. "And I want us to play a stripped down set at the hospital for the lads." "No surprise there!" Beth quipped. "No not really," Susan said with a smile, "Anyway when Jess said she was willing to get us back together, I put out a few feelers, and can get us the Royal Albert Hall in October, what do you think?" "Its a big enough space." Steve said, "And the staff are really good. We," he nudged his business partner and sound man, "did the Clapton gigs there the other year." "Aye and the hall has a great sound," his partner nodded. Steve is the kind of stage/tour manager everyone wants as he is a cross between a logistics professor and a cast iron bastard who'll take no shit from either promoters or hall managers. He is also a perfectionist and one of the unsung heroes of the Babes success. "The Royal Albert, Jess!" Beth laughed, "We've always dreamed of playing the Albert going right back to when we were kids, what do you think Kelly, fancy it?" "Yeah, the Royal Albert would be really cool!" She laughed. "When you going to announce it Jess?" "Me?" I said. "Yep," Beth laughed, "You! After all the Independent described you as the soul of the band in that end of an era gig review they did on us after the Empire." "I think if we're doing a press conference we should all be there, the show of unity thing," I said. "Fuck that!" Kelly said, "No conference! How about we just give out a press release saying the Babe's are doing a charity reunion in October and leave it at that!" "I'll take care of in the next week or so." Kate said ending the discussion. Thankfully with her riding herd on the press, she was able to keep them at bay as we carried on rehearsing. Having spent the first week just having fun and learning how to communicate musically again, we had to start getting serious. The next two weeks were spent playing much of our back catalogue to remind us of the songs and allow each of us to come up with something approaching a set list. Day by day we got better and by the start of the fourth week we were finding our stride. It was at the end of the second week as we were packing up that we passed another mile stone. Susan, as she had most days after rehearsal, was sitting in the 'chill out' room twiddling round on an acoustic guitar. We had all seen her doing it and being nosy Beth decided it was time to find out what she was doing and said, "What you doing Sue?" "Nothing, just messing," Susan said blushing. "Come on fess up!" Beth demanded, "What you messing with? We've all seen you in here trying to work out a melody." In her usual no bullshit way Beth pried out of Susan that she was trying to put to music a poem she had written when she had been in Afghan. Unlike Beth, Kelly and I who had all been prolific songwriters for the Rockbabes, Susan had never claimed to be a songwriter. Her talents were always more towards performance and management of the band, and knowing how good we were, I guess she was a little embarrassed about showing us her poetry. However, Beth being Beth was having none of it and eventually got her to read it to us. It was very personal, and spoke of Susan's feelings of helplessness when faced with the reality of warfare. Although linguistically it was very simple, it was that simplicity that made it powerful and the following Monday Beth decided to finally bury her differences with Susan, but, being Beth, she could not tell her that and instead showed it in another way! "Right then!" Beth said rubbing her hands together as she asked Susan when we broke for lunch. "Are you serious about turning your poem into a song?" "Yeah." Susan admitted. "Okay, now you have some words and a melody?" Susan nodded as Beth bellowed, "Kelly, get your arse over here!" Before looking back at Susan saying. "Lets hear it. Jess, can you note it down for me?" Over the next few weeks in between rehearsing our set, the four of us worked on Susan's song. Beth took Susan's melody and developed it with Kelly, while I worked with Susan refining the poem into song lyrics before Beth and I orchestrated it. Even though we had fallen out, Susan had been a key figure in so much of our lives that the rehearsals, combined with working on the song forced us all to finally heal the rift with her. We always knew she was never deliberately malicious or evil in her manipulations and politicking. She had just been so completely blinkered about keeping the band in the spotlight that she let her ambition overwhelm her sense of right and wrong. Susan did not know what she was going to do with the song, but by mutual consent we decided to record it, and it actually felt kind of nice to be back in the studio with her when we mixed it, and I think she felt the same. When Susan's song was finished and recorded, it sounded nothing like a Rockbabes song. In many ways it had more in common with one of my folk rock compositions than 'our' usual all out rock style. Even though we all told her it was good and deserved being released, Susan did not agree and for a while it looked like it would never be heard. However after a lot of badgering we finally forced her to let Kate upload it to her page on the 'Babes' website as a free download. Since it was Susan's project even though we had all worked on it, we all agreed that it should be uploaded under her name, rather than by Rockbabes. Not that the official credit or its location on the site mattered because it was obvious to anyone who read the notes and credits that it was a band collaboration. Next morning Chris Evans was playing it on his show and telling everyone it was by the band, even though we claimed it as a solo project from Susan! Since Kate knew the song release would raise 'our' profile, she had delayed putting out the official press release about the reunion until after it was up loaded. The Song went up on the Thursday and the following Monday Kate's music management company officially announced the reunion and the response was massive. Chris Evans was a long time supporter of the band and he cheekily phoned Susan the day after Kate had made the announcement. He had been playing Susan's song for a couple of days and jokingly asked his listeners when he was chatting about the reunion announcement. "I've got Suzie Blades number, and I keep asking myself if I should call her?" The response from his listeners was an instantaneous landslide of emails, Face-book messages and texts, all saying 'Yes!'. Chris was live on his breakfast show when he got hold of her just after she got to the rehearsal warehouse. He knew all the gossip about why we had broken up in the first place, and discretely asked a couple of probing questions about how the reunion came about and if it was a unanimous decision to get back together. Having alienated us once by speaking for us Susan was not willing to make the same mistakes again, but she could not avoid talking to him. "Well it was my idea to ask the girls about doing a reunion." "And how did you go about that?" Chris asked. "I went to see Jess and suggested it to her." Susan said, "And when she said she was interested, we approached Beth and Kelly about getting together and seeing if we could still work as a band. We did not say anything publicly because we did not want to get anyone's hopes up in case it went pear shaped." "Why did you think that Suzie?" "Well when you think about how much our lives have diverged since we broke up we did not know if our styles still worked. I'm doing stage musicals in between my TA commitments and charity work. Beth's a music therapist with substance abusing kids, and occasionally playing and recording with Jess, who's happily carving out a new career in the folk world. While Kelly was completely out of the performing scene enjoying married life in Monaco and writing for other people, so until we got back together we really did not know if we could still do it." I had driven in listening to Chris Evans, and heard him asking his listener if they thought it was a good idea to phone Susan since he had her number. The overwhelming response was yes, and I heard the start of the interview as I pulled into the warehouse. Walking in I winked at Susan and mouthed, "Carry on." "And when you got back together, what was that like?" "Surreal!" Susan laughed, "At first we were awful, but after a while it was clear we still worked musically and after that it was an easy decision to actually do the gig." "And was everyone on board with the idea?" Chris probed. "Yes, everyone agreed." "Even Jess?" Chris asked. "She's made no secret over the years that she had no desire to reform the band." "Why don't you ask her?" Susan teased. "I would, but she won't give me her number." "Oh well, she's just walked in, why don't you to ask her yourself?" Susan said passing me the phone saying for the listeners benefit, "Its Chris Evans and its live Jess." "Hi Chris." I said, "What can I do for you?" "Morning Jess, I was just asking Suzie if you had any reservations about bringing the band back?" "None at all," I said, "It was a unanimous decision from the band and our crew to get back together for a benefit gig. As you know Susan has been involved in charity work for the forces for the last few years and when she asked us if we would do it, none of us felt we could turn her down." He asked a few more questions before asking the big one. "So when are the dates?" "We'll be announcing them in the next couple of weeks Chris, but at the moment it looks like it will be in London sometime in early October." Just as I ended the call with Chris Evans, Beth came in swearing her head off about the 'Fucking press' which made me laugh as she said. "Good interview with the greying ginger nut," and flipped on the radio as Chris Evans said. "So there you have it from the horses mouth! Suzie Blade and Jess Woods from the fabulous Rockbabes have just confirmed live on air that they are doing a reunion in October!" The press went on a feeding frenzy, and we were back in the news big time. We had to do a couple of radio interviews and after discussing it with the girls we gave a print interview to Julie, the journalist from the Independent who did my 'why I'm quitting the band' interview years before. Since I trusted her we invited her down to witness a rehearsal and when her interview with us was published it really cranked up the interest in the reunion. Perhaps being older and more mature, we were better able to deal with the press and take their intrusions it in our stride, and all the attention perhaps helped us. Knowing that we were under the spot light made us work all the harder refining the show and polishing our performance. We were all inundated with interview requests, and party invitations but as we were working for twelve or thirteen hours a day, when we were finished all we wanted was food and bed! It was quite a change, as in the past Beth, Susan and Kelly would have been at every party in town but not any more and when we were not working we were just hanging about together, re-establishing the bands close bond as we worked though the mountains of fan mail we were getting. As we knew were having, in effect, a press day at the rehearsal room, I ran into a dilemma about what to do with my hair! Since the Babes broke up instead, of Jess's blonde shoulder length bob, I had reverted to my natural mousy brown colour and worn my hair in a longer style that Beth teased me about being my hippy look! I could not make up my mind, and I know it sounds silly but deciding to restyle my hair back to its expected Rockbabes look was harder than the actual decision to reform the band! In the end it was Rich who made the decision for me when he said. "You know how I feel about your Rockbabe look, Ruth, but talking as fan rather than your fianc?e, I would love to see you rocking your old look on stage." He laughed and hugged me close, adding. "And, talking as your fianc?e, you do make a smashing blonde!" It did feel a little strange to see Jess's face looking back at me in the mirror after my hairdresser in Penrith had done the deed. I had forgotten how much such a simple change altered my appearance but Rich's response when I got home more than chased away any disquiet I felt about reverting to 'her' old look. When I got to the rehearsal on Monday, I laughed until it hurt when Beth saw my hair and held out her hand to Kelly. Pulling out her purse Kelly removed a pound coin and handed it to her saying. "No need to crow about it Beth, you were right and I was wrong." Having both had to listen to me going on about my hair for the last week or so, they had jokingly bet each other a pound if I would get my hair done or not. Later that week, when Julie came to do the interview, we also brought in a photographer to take some intimate photographs of us rehearsing for the benefit program. We also got him to take a couple of formal band portraits we could use for the autographed photographs we sent out to the people who sent us mail. Most of the mail was lovely but we still got some freaky ones. We all got them but I seemed to attract the really strange ones! Most of my strange ones were because I was transgendered, some wanting to know if I had SRS, others saying that if I had, then I had spoilt my beauty. Perhaps the weirdest of all were the ones where people described what they would like to do to me sexually, and some made me laugh and others turned my stomach! One or two were really creepy, and I tried to ignore them! When the dates were announced demand for tickets was so high that by popular demand we extended it to three nights and could have easily sold out the week, but the Hall was already booked for a classical concert and we all agreed three nights was enough! We took a few weeks off before the gigs, and got back together a couple of days before we played the hospital and ran though the set again. Susan's Song, as it became known, was a hit with our fans and after Chris Evans played it on his show, we were approached about releasing it as a Rockbabes single, but Susan declined the offer. It was her song and her decision, but it did lead to us actually agreeing to do a television interview the week of the reunion as the Rockbabes. We performed three songs including Susan's live on Jools Holland's Later program. I'm not sure any of us actually wanted to do the show, but Jools was a mate and, in the end, I was glad we did it because the positive feed back was very reassuring! I suppose we needed the reassurance because were all suffering from a dose of major stage fright on the day of the first of the reunion gigs. Even though we had really enjoyed doing the Later show, and the hospital a couple of day earlier, we were all a little jittery about going back on the big stage. The hospital had been fun but then we had been playing a stripped down version of the set where we were able to stop and spend time chatting with the audience and in comparison to the enormity of playing the Royal Albert Hall, it could hardly have been called a gig! When I arrived at The Royal Albert about four hours before the first gig my emotions were all over the place. I swung from excitement to abject terror. Annoyingly Rich was tied up with a long standing instruction commitment and not been able to come down to the first night, and as I tried to get my performance head together I wished he had been there to calm me down. I was not the only one suffering because it was clear that we were all nervous and feeling anxious about if could we still do it on a big stage as we sound checked. Once we got started with the sound check it was obvious that we were all feeling jittery. We were fussing about minor details and making stupid mistakes but that was to be expected as we had not done a real gig in five years. Strangely Kelly, who had not played professionally since the band split up was by far the most relaxed of us about going back on stage as the Rockbabes. Except for writing for others, Kelly had spent the years since we broke up loafing about in Monaco, or playing for fun while traipsing round the world with Alain on the F1 circuit! In comparison to the three of us who were still in the performing 'business' Kelly was completely chilled out and took great pleasure in teasing us whenever our anxiety showed! In the past before a gig we would have done a press call but thankfully this time we had decided not to do any press before the first gig. We knew that first night was going to be stressful enough without dealing with any of that. One thing we did decide was to retain our pre-gig tradition of having a meet and greet with the fans. If there is one thing I can say that has never changed from day one about the Rockbabes as a group, it's that we've always made time for our fans. For my part I have always liked meeting our fans, and there was a surreal sense of normality about everything when we met the lucky recipients of the backstage club draw for the meet and greet tickets. I know some bands hate this side of the music business but the way I always looked at it was the fans paid my wages. I have never resented having to take a half hour or so out of my pre-gig routine to have my photo taken and sign a few autographs for them. It made their day and got me in the mood to perform! The fans were all clearly excited as hell, and as we walked back to our dressing rooms Susan said, "Well it looks like the fans are ready for the Rockbabes!" I felt a shiver of anticipatory fear when Beth dryly responded, "The question is, are the Rockbabes ready for the fans?" "Oh Christ Beth did you have to say that!" I twittered apprehensively. "Yeah! I did." She said with a cheeky grin. Knowing how stressed she had been about coming back it was good to see her old sparky sense of self mocking humour. It told me that her personal demons were not getting the better of her as we readied ourselves for the gig! When I got to my dressing room and started to get ready, my belly was doing back flips with anxiety. I could not for the life of me work out why I felt so apprehensive because it was not like I had not been on stage recently. I had been gigging regularly since we split. Admittedly they were just small gigs at obscure venues but then I had been on my own. Even when I had played at larger venues, I had not used a backing band, unless you count as my 'band' Beth and Liz, a music teacher friend of mine from the Lakes session crowd! Trying to push my anxiety aside, I went though my getting ready routine. Did my hair, fixed my face and got changed into my stage outfit. Instead of the short mini dresses I had favoured for my stage look in the past, I decided to wear a satin halter necked top, a tight pair of leather jeans and low heel knee high boots. It was a comfortable outfit and the black leather and satin looked good with my hair once again Jess's performance blonde! Thinking about it after the gig I realised that in part my choice of tight jeans was driven by a desire to show off my now pleasingly camel toed flat crotch, but that did not occur to me at the time! When the in-house PA chimed, "Fifteen minutes," I had a quiet moment and said a little prayer before I gave my appearance the final once over and went to meet up with the girls backstage. My prayer was the same as Alan Shepard made on the launch pad before Mercury One lifted off. 'Oh God don't let me fuck up!' In the past just before a gig kicked off I had always felt a little schizophrenic. It always used to feel to me a little like I was transforming into 'Jess' as I got ready to perform. Oddly, even though I had always perceived my Jess alter-ego to be very different from the real me, this time there was none of that feeling. It felt strange that emotionally 'she' was not coming back to me, even though, as I made my way though the maze of corridors to the stage, I found it very easy to slip into her performance strut. I was considering the weird sensation of finding 'Jess's physical body language, coming back to me when I was hit by the atmosphere. If you ever get the chance to go behind the scenes of a big concert just before a gig you'll notice that there is a peculiar buzz in the atmosphere once the audience has come in and, as I left my dressing room, it hit me like a drug rush! It was a buzz I have always enjoyed as you can feel the sense of excitement, and it fills the atmosphere with an almost electric thrill. Perhaps because it holds a very special place in the minds of every Briton, even empty, The Royal Albert Hall has this unique atmosphere about it, which makes it feel unlike any other venue in the country. I found it felt special before the doors opened, but now that it was packed to the gun'ls with six thousand fans, the air was alive with their excited anticipation. You get a similar atmosphere before a gig in most venues but walking to the stage of the Royal Albert Hall it felt as if it had been turned up to eleven! Taking my time as I walked to the backstage I could hear the sound of the crowd getting louder and louder. I could almost taste their expectation and it felt good. I had missed this feeling and I knew it! Unusually Susan was already waiting. In the past she had been the last one of us to make an appearance before a gig. Unlike me, Susan had got her old 'Suzie Blade, Rockbabe' look on and I have to say she looked smashing! "Looking forwards to it Jess?" She said with an apprehensive smile as she stretched and sang a scale to warm her voice up. "Not really." I said, picking up my bass. Slipping the strap over my head I went through my pre-gig jiggle as settled it into place. "But I am ready." "You look it!" She said with a smile. "Thank you for getting Kelly and Beth to do this for me." Susan said her voice tinged with emotion, "I know I betrayed your trust and made some stupid decisions in the past, Jess, and I just want to tell you that I'm sorry." "What's done is done Sue, it's water under the bridge." I said with a smile. "And being honest I'm glad you asked me to do this, because I did not realise just how much I have missed this." "Missed what?" Beth said barrelling in with Kelly. "The buzz of the crowd and that pre-gig fizz of excitement in the air." I said with a smile. I felt my nerves ease up a little as we chatted and tuned up. I could feel myself getting into the groove as I spotted out of the corner of my eye Steve our stage manager, holding up two fingers. "Two minutes," I said hiding my sudden rush of anxiety behind a silly grin that fooled no one! Giving me a smile Beth cracked a very rude joke, easing the tension in the atmosphere as she pulled us all in to a group hug saying. "Let's show them we're still the best!" Kate who had been watching us, said, a moment later. " Ready or not you lot, its show time!" From where we stood we saw the hall lights go down as Wagner's, Ride of the Valkyrie, our usual intro, began and then a voice boomed over the PA. "Royal Albert Hall, will you please welcome back the Rockbabes!" "After you?" Susan nodded at me to lead the band onto the stage and the last thing I clearly recall is walking up the steps to the roar of the crowd! Walking up to her microphone, Susan cried, "Hello," as Beth clicked her sticks together and as we opened with Hammer and Tongs the crowd went wild! I've got to say emotion got the better of us at first but after a slightly rocky start we clicked and all of a sudden my anxiety vanished, and I felt wonderful. Susan, like the rest of us had been a little apprehensive as we went on and it showed, but by the start of the second half she was once again dominating the stage with the arrogance of Alice Cooper, and the chattiness of Bruce Dickinson! As we played the arguments and bad blood faded into history and we were once again a united band! Although it was actually three hours to me it seemed like only ten minutes before we launched into the finale, Juggernaut, and then it was time to take our bows! When it was over I was sort of glad and at the same time pissed off that Rich had not come to London with me for the first gig. Not long after we had started living together we had come to an arrangement. If he was free he would come when I was working, but having spent fifteen years building a reputation as an instructor and guide, Rich was not going to give that up and, being honest, I did not want him to. It was not like we needed the money because I could afford to keep us in comfort for a string of life times, but Rich was having none of it! He was not the sort of man to want to live off my earnings and was insistent about paying his own way. I did not mind as it made getting home after a gig all the sweeter, especially after I had my surgery, and I don't think I need to go into any more detail than that! Strangely given the Rockbabes feminist credentials and my liberal views. At home I lived in a very traditional relationship where I was very much a wife and Rich was the head of the household! Maybe it was because of that whole emotional tangle, which is part of growing up transgendered, that means when you do transition you find yourself attracted to a traditional role. Certainly that was the case with me, because once I finally felt able to fully trust Rich, I found myself desiring the role of the submissive partner and I liked the fact that he was quite unreconstructed in his views about who did what in a relationship. What ever motivated it I liked being Rich's 'missus' and enjoyed being one of the 'wives' when it came to the village community. Although I was missing Rich like crazy, as I said I was glad he was not there for the first night. I knew we could do much better and I wanted him to see us playing when we were fully back in the groove! He was a fan long before he met me and I knew just how much he loved the band's music and seeing us live. So long as the trains did not throw a spanner in the works, Rich, along with Kath, Nick, a couple of locals and a few of my session mates were coming to London for the last night, and I had made sure they all got really good seats! I've known more than a few relationships go bust when people in the business have coupled up with fans, and the fan finds the person they have married is not the person they thought. Thankfully that's not the case with us because for all it was embarrassing at the time, he admitted that he fancied the ass of Jess the very first night we met, and made no secret that he was sure 'she' was the rumoured the transgendered Rockbabe. I think that, perhaps more than anything else he ever said or did, opened the door for me to want to trust him. I some times tease him about that, because even though he fancied the hell out of my Jess alter ego, and had seen me play numerous times, when we first met he genuinely did not have a clue who I was. It is very satisfying for me knowing that his fantasies about Jess had absolutely nothing to do with him falling for me. On the few occasions when we have spoken about his feelings about my life in the Rockbabes and what the band meant to him. Rich has admitted that sometimes he finds it hard to believe that fate let him fulfil his fantasy about pulling me! "Of all of you in the band, you. as Jess, were the one I always fancied, Ruth," He told me and I loved him all the more for it! My head was all over the place when I got off stage! My mind was awash with memories, and I was buzzing from the thrill of playing as I hugged Beth. With a very uncharacteristic note of delight in her tone Beth laughed into my ear, "We did it Jess, we fucking did it!" I pretty much dissolved into a giggle box twittering about how good it felt to play together again and Kelly and Susan were not much better! The gig had been as amazing experience and I found myself asking myself if we had to end it with just the three nights. During the sound check when we were just jamming to let the sound engineer get the levels, Kelly, Beth and I had started to come up with a very interesting idea and all of a sudden doing it all over again did not seem like such a scary thing. Since the idea was Susan's and she enjoyed it, we let her deal with the headaches of publicity and managed to avoid doing any press before the gig but we could not really keep them out at the after show party. The after show party was part and parcel of doing a benefit gig and we had invited a real mixed bag of musicians, celebrities and public figures. Obviously with the gig being for military charities there were a lot service personnel present including HRH Prince Harry, in his role as patron of Susan's family support fund, and of course the press. In the past I had usually hated this sort of thing but I ended up enjoying the evening. In part, this was down to an agreement from the press association that the after show party was supposed to be an 'off the record' event. Not that I believed them, and after having been put through the wringer by sections of the tabloid press when my gender situation came out, I generally avoided them. In truth I tried to forget that they were there and I guess I must have succeeded because I had a great time and really enjoyed bumping into many people I had not seen in years. Meeting Prince Harry was kind of cool, and he was much better looking in real life than he looks on the telly. He was also exceptionally charming and it was easy to see why he was classed as one of the most eligible men in the world! Mind you he would have to been a real donkey not to be, after all he was a for real Prince of the realm. It was a bonus that he was so bloody good-looking! He did not come over in any way stuffy or present himself as better than the next person, and he had really cheeky sense of humour which was just amplified by a devastating grin when he hit me with a 100 watt smile. Although meeting him was pretty special, schmoozing with royalty was not really my thing and I slipped away as soon as it was polite. I don't think he noticed as he was chatting with Susan about somewhere in Afghanistan, and as I mingled I saw Rich's mate Robby. He was lurking in the background with a soft drink watching the whole charade with a smile on his face, and by hopping from group to group I eventually caught up with him. "Hello Robby, you're looking very smart." He was dressed in a bespoke suit and looked for all the world like one of the 'corporate' charity sponsors, who we had to invite. "Hi Ruth! Well I can dress up you know." He chuckled. "Rich not here?" "Not tonight, he's guiding in Scotland this weekend but is due down on Tuesday for the last gig." "Doh!" Robby slapped his head, "He told me that!" "I didn't see your name on the invite list?" "You wouldn't," he laughed, "But I somehow wangled an invite through work." "Work?" I said with a teasing smile, "What's work got to do with us?" He gave me a look and said, "I'm here to back up Smithy, and make sure," he nodded at HRH, "He stays safe." Stood behind the prince was a tall chestnut haired woman who looked like a secretary until you saw her stance. She was like a tiger ready pounce as she eyed the hovering reporters. Seemingly oblivious to her presence HRH was having a good time as he chatted to Beth, Alain and Kelly. "What did you think of the gig?" I asked. "To be honest I was watching the crowd around HRH, but what little I noticed I enjoyed." Robby said, adding. "When you're BG royalty Ruth, you can't afford to let your attention get distracted but it sounded good." "BG?" "Body guarding." He said with a smile. "Well if you want to come tomorrow or Tuesday when you're not working just let me know." I said, "Because I can put you on the pass list." "Thanks, I'd like to have a word with Rich." He said keeping his eye on HRH, "And think my girlfriend is off Tuesday. I know she always wanted to see the Rockbabes live." "Well if she does, you can get my number off Rich." "I've already got it. He gave it me just in case." Robby winked, "When we were in the Himalayas last year." "In case of what?" I asked. He gave me a macabre grin that made me go, "Oh!" I knew what he meant, high altitude climbing is a dangerous game and I tried not to think about the risks Rich took when he was on climbing expeditions to the Himalayas. Susan who had extracted herself from HRH and the press, saw me chatting to Robby and walked over with a curious look in her face as she said. "Evening Sarn' Major, did not know you were coming?" "I'm working Lieutenant." He said giving Susan a beaming smile, "Watching Smithy's back as she keeps an eye on Captain Wales. How are you? I have not see you since you came to H in May." "Great, thanks." Susan said looking at me before saying, "I did not know you knew Jess?" Robby laughed lightly and said, "I don't really, but Rich her 'old man' is a good climbing mate of mine and I met her though him, about three months back wasn't it Ruth?" "Ruth!" Susan chuckled, "That proves you know Jess through Richard." Robby nodded as I said, "Yeah something like that Rob. You and your mate Phil were talking with Rich about that line up the south west face he's been scouting in between guiding treks." "Face of what?" Susan said looking confused. "Everest!" I said pulling a face, "My Rich is obsessed with the idea of climbing it." "Oh." She shrugged, "Each to their own I guess!" "By the way I've been meaning to ask, what's with your name Ruth?" Robby asked. "I mean everyone here calls you Jess?" "I used my middle name Jessica professionally." I said, "Years ago when we were touring constantly. I kept my first name to use for day off sight seeing trip bookings and the like. It stopped people recognising my name when I wanted to get away from the madness." I laughed, "Most people in the business do it, Susan, keeps Susan but reverts to her real surname Bowring, rather than Blade." "Never thought about that." He laughed, "Should have though, because we use assumed names all the time for the same reason when we're on undercover ops!" "Well now that's settled," Susan laughed, "I'm afraid it time to get to business. That journalist friend of yours Jess, Julie from the Independent wants a word if you feel like it?" "I would not call her a friend Sue, but she is one of the few I trust." I gave Robby a quick hug and said, "My offer stands Robby, but now business calls," and went to see Julie. I guess all of us were feeling a little apprehensive about the gig's reviews in the papers, and were all pleasantly surprised by how positive they were. Julie wrote a cracker, and about the most critical thing any of them said was in the Times. They pointed out that our live performance showed we had not played together for a long time and that it had taken most of the first half to knock the rust off our performance. We could not criticise what they had written because we knew until we really got into the swing of the gig some of our trademark switches in time and tempo had occasionally been a little off. Having received largely positive reviews we felt up for the first big press conference and the 'scum' were out in force. Thankfully they had no new material and asked mostly the same questions they had been asking since we first started years earlier, mixed in with the odd one about if it was a difficult decision to come back. I was beginning to think that I would get away with out any direct questions when one smarmy looking bloke asked in a Anglo-American accent. "Is it true Jess that you have had your surgery?" "No comment," I said with a faint smile. "You know I won't discuss my personal life." "Well what about the rumours you have got engaged," he asked with that same smarmy look, "And don't deny it, we can all see the ring on your finger?" "I refer you to my last comment." I said. "What's his name then, can you at least tell me that?" He pushed. "His name is Mr. A. Nominous!" I said firmly, "Now if you have any relevant questions I'll answer them, otherwise someone else can ask?" "The public have a right to know!" He said ignoring my thinly veiled threat to move onto the next questioner. "Since he hasn't?" I said to the rest of the pack. "Any other questions?" Thankfully Julie stuck her hand up and rescued me asking. "Is it true that you and Beth are going to do another album of Sandy's songs?" "Eventually!" Beth said, "And I for one want to do more of the rocky numbers from her Fairport catalogue and other collaborations." "Will the Rockbabes be a part of it?" Someone else asked. "Perhaps." Was my only comment, but Susan, Beth and Kelly were swapping grins and nodding. Throughout the remainder of the press conference I could feel the smarmy journalist watching me and it creeped me out a little. He kept looking at me like I was a piece of meat and I hated it. "Who's the creepy guy?" I quietly asked Kate when Susan was asked about her experiences in Afghanistan. "His name's Brad Peters." She said glancing at her list, "And he's listed as working for the New York Post." "That's the same as the Sun." I frowned, "I thought we had banned them?" "We have banned the Sun, but we can't keep out all of News Corp." Kate whispered, "They are too big, hell they own the Times and Sky who are both here." She nodded to the well respected Times entertainment editor and one of his journalists. Eventually Kate ended the press conference, and we were able to escape to our hotel rooms. Getting back to my room I had a few hours to fill before I need to get to the gig and I did not want to spend it trapped in the hotel. Quickly changing into a long cotton skirt, a Mountain Equipment fleece and a pair of Doctor Martin's I grabbed my down jacket and with my hair hidden under a Berghaus cap, called a taxi to Covent Garden and slipped out. Ten minutes later I was jumping out of the taxi outside my favourite music shop. "Hey Ruth!" Max the owner said when I pushed open the door, "Did not expect to see you today." "I've escaped." I laughed, "And as I wanted to drop you a couple of tickets in for tonight, I decided to bring them over myself, and I could not think of a better place to get away from the madness for a wee while." "Well you've come to the right place." He said with a grin. "So what can I do for you?" "Nothing much," I shrugged as I started to examine the range of guitars, "I'm just looking for a present for Rich, its his birthday next week and thought he might like a new guitar." "Have a go on the vintage Gibson acoustic on the end," he have me a wink, "Usual rules apply." On the wall was a sign saying. " The owners ears insists that anyone murdering Stairway to Heaven, Smoke on the Water or Wonderwall will be impolitely asked to leave.... Thank you!" Picking up the Gibson, I sat on a handy stool and started to play Stairway for a laugh before strumming the open chords to Meet on the Ledge. "Wow Max this is lovely!" I said with a happy smile. The action was beautiful and the guitar had a really sweet sound with lots of resonance. "Thought you'd like it," he said with a smile adding, "Watch the shop love, while I make us a cuppa?" I nodded happily oblivious to everyone around me, until a voice in a mid Atlantic accent said. "So this is what you do when you're off stage, honey?" Looking up I saw Brad Peters the Post journalist stood watching me and again felt creeped out by his covetous eyes! "What the hell are you doing here? Bugger off!" I hissed. "Now, now darling," he mockingly laughed, "Don't be like that, I know you'll like me once you get to know me." "Like when hell freezes over!" I said. He smirked, and drawled. "Oh it will be sooner than that... Dick