MAMA NORMAN
By Betty Noone
Who knows why two people get attracted to each other and fall in love?
If the phrase, "opposites attract" was a truism then it certainly was
true of Norman Nagle and Barbara Carpelli. They could not have had
more opposite personalities. They met while they both were attending
Illinois State University at Champagne, Illinois, and they met and
found each other two years before their graduation one afternoon in the
school cafeteria. She was sitting at a table eating her lunch and he
came over and asked if the seat next to her was taken and she invited
him to sit down. One thing led to another and they were soon dating
regularly. They waited until the next year when he became a senior
that they announced their engagement, with the wedding to take place
after graduation. Barbara was three years older than Norman. She was
completing her first year of pre-law. She would be graduating the same
year as Norman, she with a doctorate in law and he with a bachelor's
degree in History.
Norman came from German stock and he was the first in his family to
complete a college degree, much to the pride of his entire extended
family. He was laid back, and was a C+ to B+ student. Never a leader
but always willing and cheerfully following what his group of friends
had in mind for recreation. He liked everyone, and everyone liked him.
His goals after graduation were modest. Find a job and stay with it
and live a placid lifestyle. No stress, just go with the flow.
Barbara on the other hand was a fourth generation American. Her father
was a lawyer in private practice, who after 15 years practicing law ran
for a local judgeship, and won. He was sitting on the bench for 7
years and was active in the Democratic party machine in Chicago,
Illinois. The friends in high places he cultivated, led him being
nominated to a becoming a Federal judge, sitting on the bench at the
Federal Courthouse in Chicago. He had always done well financially and
socially, and it was expected of his four children to have high
aspirations. Proud of his daughter he and the family expected that she
do well at whatever she attempted. When she was going to graduate at
the third of her class, they were happy for her, but were privately
disappointed that she failed to make class valedictorian. The family
expected her to aspire to high ambitions, and it also was what Barbara
wanted, as well.
During the summer between her Junior and Senior year she was hired as
intern at the law offices of Branson, Cromwell, and Cohen, a mid-size
firm with about 75 associates and partners on staff. She was astounded
when they offered her the salary of $600.00 a week during her
internship, as she would have gladly worked there for free just to have
the opportunity. During the first month of her final year a law
school she was offered a job as an associate by the firm upon her
graduation. She would be coming on board as a law clerk at $60,000.00
a year, and after she passed the State bar examination she would be
raised to $120,000.00 a year. Before accepting the offer, she
discussed it with her father, the judge, as well with her
professor/advisor. She would be starting out at the age of 28. They
both thought it a wonderful opportunity, but also clued her in to the
down-side of these firms. They paid you what seemed like an exorbitant
amount of money, but they owned you time-wise. A sixty hour week is
considered normal, and if you are a striver, 70 to 80 billable hours
would be necessary to continue to stay with the firm. Barbara was a
striver and she thought it was a good opportunity, especially since
sixty percent of the class at the time of graduation had no offers of
employment in the legal field at all. She sent them a letter accepting
their offer.
Norman, three years junior to his love, was graduating with a
bachelor's degree in History at the age of 25. Where does one go for
employment with a degree in history? Only if you continue your
education and get a Masters degree you can then apply as a teacher or
associate professor. Otherwise you take whatever job you can get.
Unlike Barbara's family who expected no less than the highest from her,
Norman's family was proud just for the fact that he was the first of
his family to ever get a college degree of any kind. And Norman was
proud of it as well.
Both families knew that the kids were dating in their Junior year, but
their engagement announcement came as a surprise with a different
reactions from their respective families. Norman's parents operated a
small custom millwork company which made them a nice living. They
lived in a three bedroom apartment in a nice neighborhood in Chicago.
Tuition was less expensive for an Illinois state resident and his
parents contributed as much as they could toward his tuition, the rest
of the costs were through the assistance of student loans. Upon
graduation, Norman would be saddled with a debt of a little over
$30,000.00, which he fully intended to repay no matter how long it
would take.
The Nagel's were in awe when they found out about Barbara's family
background. They were a little concerned that they were Catholic and
Italian, but that was quickly dropped when they realize the high social
status of the family that his intended bride came from.
The Carpelli's on the other hand were far less thrilled with Barbara's
choice of a husband. Her father, Vincent Carpelli had a background
check made on the Nagel's and while he found them honest and productive
people, realized that educationally and socially, they were at a far
lower station that they were at. They brought their concern to
Barbara's attention, who told them to butt out, that this is who she
loved and this is who she was going to marry. When Vincent suggested a
pre-nuptial wedding agreement be signed, Barbara threw a fit, saying
that it would not be necessary, that when she married Norman, there
would be no divorce. She realized that Norman was not a go-getter but
a follower, but that she was, and that she would be the breadwinner.
She said she loved him and was going to marry him.
The week after they graduated, they were married. Judge Vincent
Carpelli would have liked nothing better than a small wedding as he was
disappointed that a wedding was taking place at all, but with his
judgeship, political connections and social circle, a small wedding was
impossible without insulting those friends and co-workers who would
otherwise not be invited.
The Carpelli's lived in a six bedroom home on 3 acres of land, close to
Lake Michigan in a Northern suburb of Chicago called Winnetka. He was
a member of an exclusive country club, who ordinarily was snobby enough
that in their exclusion of blacks, hispanics and Jews to their
membership, Italians were also on the list. But one does not easily
deny a Federal judge, so when his application for membership came in
years ago, it was quickly approved, and with smiling faces all around,
was warmly greeted as a new member. Not only being a judge, but a
politician he made friends easily and was soon one of the most liked
members of the club. And that is where the wedding was held. An
ornate affair, costing over $100,000, even with the major discounts
that almost all of the caterers, flower people, and others gave to him
because he is the 'judge'." A real estate investor, and friend of the
judge, offered the newlyweds a rental on a very nice 4 bedroom home in
the nearby suburb of Wilmette at an extremely low rental. The kids
upon touring it, immediately accepted his offer.
The graduation was the Saturday of the first week in June, the wedding
was the following Saturday. The week in between the graduation and the
wedding was hectic. Last minute try-ons, parties, rehearsals. During
this week they both lived at their respective parent's house for the
last time. The wedding went off without a hitch, well, none that were
important and was the event of the year. It was held at the country
club with over 500 invited guests, mostly from the Judge's side.
Everyone was nice to one another, a Cinderella wedding as only enough
dollars can make it so.
Just prior to the wedding, the Judge had a meeting with the couple and
explained the facts of life to them. This was mostly for the benefit
of Norman as Barbara was well aware of the topic. And the topic was
'the real world'. The judge explained that the name 'Carpelli' had
clout, even without asking for it, in the legal profession. That
Barbara carrying on the family name would allow her to go far in her
chosen profession of law, even without having to ask for it. Therefore
it would be wise for him to take the name of Carpelli in the vows. He
would become Mr. Norman Carpelli, and Barbara would become Mrs. Barbara
Carpelli. The combination of a placid personality, the awe of the
Judge's presence, and what appeared to be common sense, caused him to
immediately give his consent. After meeting with the Judge, they went
to his parent's house to explain the decision. At first they were
apprehensive but when it was explained to them, they accepted the
decision, although with a little disappointment.
Norman was aware of Barbara's new job which would be starting the day
after Labor day. This gave them two months to shop for furniture, move
in to their new rental home and learn to sleep together as man and
wife. He was well aware that Barbara would probably always do better
financially than he would, that she was not only a striver but an
aspirer, and he didn't care. They loved one another deeply and that is
all that mattered. Barbara also spent a good amount of time boning up
for the State bar examination. The summer flew by and it was soon time
for Barbara to report for work. In the meantime Norman was hired as a
floor manager at a locally owned grocery market. It was a no-brainer
job, but paid him $40,000.00 a year. The store was open seven days a
week from 7AM to 10 PM. Being a new hire, the worst hours were
assigned to him. The graveyard shift as it was called from 2PM to
closing and Saturdays and Sundays, Monday and Tuesday being his days
off. He was to work 40 hours a week, but if there was overtime he was
not paid for it as he was classified as a management employee. But
there was little overtime involved in any case. Usually not over a
hour a couple of days a week. His job was to be the jack of all
trades. To fill in where necessary. Mostly he stood in the aisle by
the checkout stations greeting the customers, by name if possible, and
seeing that all the things that had to be done were done. He
periodically checked the shelves to see that they were properly stocked
and if the lines at the registers were too long he took over a
register, or helped unload the carts for the cashier to scan. The
toughest part of his job was being on his feet all the time except for
a food break and two 10 minute in-between breaks.
Barbara's job on the other hand, from day one, was a pressure cooker.
Seven days a week was common for all employees except for the senior
partners (and sometimes them, too.). If you didn't, you were soon
noticed by your department head and cautioned, and if you didn't comply
you were soon noticed and tagged as someone who was not going to be a
good employee at least in their terms. So, if Norman had to work on
weekends, it was OK with Barbara as she was at her office those days as
well.
Barbara as a law graduate is classified as a lawyer, but until the
state bar exam is passed is not entitled to practice law. So her job
until she did, was to research for cases pertinent to those who were
involved with litigation. It was boring, but necessary. It was
October when the State's bar examination was held at the County
Courthouse. It was six hours long. Not surprisingly, Barbara was one
of the 40% who passed the first time it was taken. After three weeks
of anxiously waiting, the test scores were mailed out by the state in
Springfield, Illinois, and Barbara eagerly brought them to her office
manager. It was the following week that she and three other interns
were officially initiated to the firm as Associates. There were ten
other interns who did not make it, and they were put on notice that if
they failed to re-take and pass the bar examination within the next
three months, they would be cut. So within three months, Barbara's
salary doubled from $60,000.00 to %120,000. She was also re-assigned
from the research department to the legal department and was placed as
a learning assistant to one of the junior partners to assist him in any
way she could.
Barbara told Norman that now that she was making that kind of money,
she wanted him to use all of his net proceeds from his salary to pay
off the student loan obligation of slightly over $30,000. They figured
that it would take about 15 months to complete that goal, but Barbara
insisted that is what she wanted done. She was raised from childhood
that one did not have long-standing debt and this is what she wanted
him to do. Norman agreed to do it. Actually Norman found out soon
enough that he agreed to whatever Barbara wanted. With her strong
personality, even if she made a suggestion it somehow came out as if
she were giving an order, and it was easy for Norman to go along with
it.
But life at home did change. Barbara's life, as well as everyone else
in her firm, found that the law firm of Branson, Cromwell and Cohen,
owned their employees. Even when one was at home during those rare
times, there hardly was a time when the cell phone did not ring with
calls from the office, interrupting your free time. By the time
Barbara did return home from a day at the office, she was so exhausted
that all she could do was to kick off her heels and plop on the sofa in
the family room. Her exhaustion and need for sleep, meant that their
sex life was intermittent and rarer than even when they were students
at college. She was often out of the house before Norman even woke up.
There was no time for Barbara to do what would be called wifely duties,
such as making the bed, doing the laundry, cleaning the house or
shopping for and cooking the meals. Because the firm ran almost on a
24 hour basis, they had a cafeteria on the premises that was open all
of the time, seven days a week. Anything from breakfast to dinner to
snacks were available all of the time. The firm was very liberal
insofar that there was no charge for any employee to eat anything at
any time. The food was also first class and tasty. Most employees
soon found that it was convenient to eat all of their meals at the
company cafeteria. There was a class distinction however.
Secretaries, clerks, interns and other such employees ate in the
general eating area, but there was a special room for Associates and
higher ups that was furnished more elegantly. The main perk was that
they had a bus boy to take their empty dishes back to the kitchen
whereas the general employees had to bring their own plates back and
place them on the conveyor belt to be washed. The firm paid well, but
they owned you.
So Norman found that he was making the beds in the morning, tidying up
the house, and picking up the dirty laundry and doing the wash. He
came from a family where all children, whether male or female, helped
out in every part of the house. So he was raised in knowing how to
sort clothes for the washing machine, and was not a stranger to working
in the kitchen. He was also very lonely. He missed Barbara's company
and warm body. By the time he returned home on work days it was 11pm
and Barbara was most often sound asleep in their bedroom. Not often,
but some nights, Norman would find a note pasted on the bedroom door,
that she was not to be disturbed, and on those nights Norman found
himself sleeping in the guest room He would have liked to ask Barbara
why in the morning, but found that when he woke up she was long gone.
But her clothing from the previous day was littered about the room and
it became Norman's job to pick up after her. Being a child of
privilege, and raised with maids, Barbara was not taught how to look
after herself, and knew that others would pick up after her.
Barbara's new job was not one for a newlywed. But she was happy at the
firm and found her new boss willing to help, teach her and guide her.
Better yet, he was one of those few who was secure enough be willing to
promote a talented underling. It didn't hurt that privately, word came
down from the top that the daughter of the Federal judge was 'special'
to the firm, and if she had the talent, she was to be pushed along
toward a promotion in due time. Due time meant a minimum of five years
as an associate, but it also meant that as she learned her craft her
duties would be expanded to meeting with and serving the clients. At
the beginning, less important ones, to be sure, but with experience and
some good luck, clients of importance. She would at least be part of
the meeting her partner had with his clients, and when trials occurred
she would be sitting in what would be called the 'second chair'. It
was long hours and exhausting work, but she loved every minute of it.
It was adrenalin to her body. She was on a high. At she was good.
She had a brilliant mind, and better yet, the drive to want to
eventually make partner in the firm.
The firm did not handle local cases, and yet they did. If a new client
contacted them to handle divorces, traffic violations, domestic
violence issues, and other typical cases that local attorneys make
their living doing, they were told that they did not handle these
cases. and would be told to go elsewhere. But if a corporate client
came to them with these issues, rather than send them to another firm,
they would handle if for him. Of course at the usual corporate rates.
This was what the junior associate at the firm was being trained to
handle. Usually they are no-brainers, such as appearing alongside the
client at a traffic court hearing, but an occasional divorce became a
sticky proposition and in these cases the partner would take over and
handle it himself. The junior would be alongside watching and
learning, as well as tutorials by the mentor to the associate as to why
certain things were or were not done in the representation. Barbara
was a quick learner and within the short time of one year at being a
junior associate she was allowed to handle minor cases without
supervision. But she was good. Very good. It sounds impossible, but
she came back a victor every time she represented a client. She did
her homework, made her presentations in court flawlessly. She always
wore what she called her 'uniform' when in court. A navy blue or dark
grey skirted suit. Her hair which came down to her shoulders was left
long but was set that it didn't fall in her face causing her to use the
feminine gestures of pushing her hair back. She thought it would be
distracting from her presentation. She wore heels, but never
stilletos. Her skirts came just above her knee, fashionable but not
sexy. She was beautiful but was careful to see that her appearance did
not detract from her presentation. If it was a bench trial, that is,
being heard and judged by the judge instead of a jury, the name
Carpelli had clout. The hearing judge always made an effort to give as
much slack to her as possible without becoming it becoming evident that
there was some bias on the part of the court. It soon became evident to
the firm that every time she handled a case, she came back victorious.
And the senior partners involved were glad that they were justified in
tagging her for quick promotion.
The firm had an unwritten policy that one must stay a junior for at
least five years before becoming a senior associate. After the first
year as a highly successful junior, the senior partner had a meeting
with her and her mentor and told her how pleased both he and the firm
was with her progress, and that if she continued she would be up for
promotion to senior associate at the unprecedented speed of only an
additional two years of being a junior associate.
But the hours worked did not lessen. The only time that she knew she
could be home with Norman for dinner was on holidays where the courts
were closed. This does not mean that one did not go to the office, but
it did mean that you could get away sometimes after 2PM instead of 10
PM or later. She always let Norman know in advance and he would see to
it that a nice dinner was prepared with wine and later they would be
able to have a sexual relationship, which these days was not very
often.
The hardest days for Norman was on his days off on Monday and Tuesday.
The rest of the week there were chores to do around the house. Making
the bed, doing the laundry, hand washing Barbara's personal clothing
such as bras, underwear and stockings. Going shopping for food. On
workday mornings he slept until about nine and between his chores the
morning went fast. He reported to work at 1:30 shortly after he had
his lunch and did not get home until close to 11 PM. He found that
eating by oneself is not an appetite enhancer and was beginning to
prepare easier and smaller meals for himself. After the first three
months he lost about 10 pounds and had to have his slacks altered and
purchase a couple of new belts in a smaller size. Everyone said how
much better he looked and it caused him to join a local health club and
began to spend a couple of hours each day of his days off, at the gym,
working out. This toned his weight loss and indeed he began to take
pride in his appearance.
He also bought several cook books in an attempt to make a better
presentation for himself, and shortly became quite handy in the
kitchen. His mother always told him, if you can read, you can cook.
All you need to do is to follow the recipe. But like all good cooks he
soon learned the recipes by heart and did not need to refer to them
while in the kitchen.
He was still totally in love with Barbara, but it seemed that she had
little time for him. Often she was sound asleep when he arrived home,
but most often he was asleep when she finally came to bed. Sex was no
longer considered since she was in a constant state of physical and
mental exhaustion. Not emotionally however. Her job became her life.
She loved Norman, but she realized that her true loves were the law,
and the firm. Norman came in third. And this is how they lived for
the next year. It was two years in her junior associate position when
the worst possible news (at least to Barbara) came. She was pregnant.
That means she would be pregnant for most of what she hoped to be her
final year of being a junior, and she worried about the consequences
of being a mother and taking care of the baby would do to her chances
of promotion. Norman was elated at the news He wanted to start a
family, and he realized that the baby would mean that Barbara would not
be able to work the hours as she now does and that their lives would
become more normal. The only thing in their marriage that was not a
concern was money. Norman's student loan was now paid in full and his
now $45,000.00 year salary was deposited in the joint checking account
along with Barbara's now $145,000.00 salary.
They could afford almost anything they wanted, unfortunately there just
wasn't any time for it. So, Norman was elated at the news. But
Barbara was not. She thought about it a lot. She was not prepared to
throw away all that she worked so hard for, and give up her chances at
promotion. She had her sights on eventually making partner in the firm
and convinced herself that if anyone could make it, she could. She was
also correct in that conclusion. Eventually she came to a decision.
Norman would have to quit his job and raise the baby. She kept this
decision to herself until her seventh month. Norman always accompanied
her to the doctor's office and attended the LaMaze classes with her.
Barbara made sure he participated in those classes when the mothers-to-
be were taught how to hold the baby, bathe it, and feed it. Norman
willingly obliged although he was the only male who participated in
those classes. Norman was oblivious to that fact and happily
participated in how to take care of the new-born.
At the beginning of her ninth month, in what was scheduled to be a
normal delivery, she sat Norman down one evening and explained her
decision to him. He wondered why they just didn't hire a nanny and she
said she didn't want a stranger raising her son. They already knew it
was going to be a boy through the benefit of an ultra-sound
examination. She also said that the nanny would cost as much as what
he was bringing home so what was the point? As usual, Norman agreed
that he would take care of the house and raise the baby. All the while
doing the chores it never occurred to him that it was 'woman's work'.
It was a job that need done and he just did it. He felt the same way
about having to raise his son.
Barbara worked until the last week of her pregnancy. Norman was
already off of work a full week now, and he drove and picked Barbara
up from the office as she could no longer fit in the driver's side of
her car. Norman also had a list given him at the doctor's office of
the things that the house will need for the baby. Diapers, baby oil,
soap, bottles, formula (Barbara long ago announced she was not going to
breast feed the infant) and such. The crib, changing table, bassinette
and other furniture was long ago supplied by her parents and the guest
bedroom closest to the master bedroom was made into a nursery. There
was also a daybed in the room which was allowed to stay.
One doesn't know if Barbara's strong will caused it, but her labor
pains began on the exact date that the birth was expected. For a first
delivery, the birth was relatively easy. As is the custom these days,
Barbara entered the hospital on Thursday evening and was discharged
with the baby boy the following afternoon. However, Barbara was weak
and had to be helped into the waiting limousine (courtesy of the
Judge). When Barbara was seated in the back seat and buckled in, the
nurse handed her the baby, named Joseph, said 'good luck' and shut the
door. Norman got in next to her and buckled up. As soon as the driver
pulled away from the curb, Barbara handed Joseph to Norman, saying,
"Here is your son. He is yours to raise."
Norman took the baby, sound asleep in his arms and cradled it. He felt
comfortable holding this infant, and lovingly looked upon it's cute
face in admiration of the miracle of birth. When the limo pulled in
the driveway of their home, waiting for them were both sets of parents
eager to see their new grandchild. The Nagel's were not yet aware of
the new arrangement, but of course the Carpelli's were/. There was
also a home care lady who was hired to attend to the needs of Barbara
while she is recovering, and also to prepare the meal. She left the
house each day at 4PM. The home care lady l took Barbara up to the
master bedroom and saw to it that she changed into a nightgown and got
comfortable in bed. She brought her some cold water and Barbara said,
all she felt like doing now was to take a nap. She fell right asleep
and slept for a good 45 minutes.
In the meantime, after the appropriate ooh's and aah's from the
grandparents, Norman told them that it was an exhausting day, that the
baby needed to be fed shortly and that they all could come back another
day, but today was not the day. So they hugged and kissed and left.
Norman took little Joseph up to the nursery, unwrapped the blanket,
changed his diaper and the baby, still asleep, was tucked in. Norman
activated the baby monitor so that any noise the baby would make could
be heard in most of the rooms, including the master bedroom.
Norman had already sterilized and prepared several days worth of
formula and it was stored in the refrigerator. He took one bottle out
and put it in the baby bottle heater, that warmed the milk but would
not over-heat it. Even so, when it was ready, Norman tested the fluid
on his arm to make sure it was the correct temperature.
It wasn't long when the baby began to whimper and Norman responded.
The monitor in the bedroom was not turned off and it also wakened
Barbara as well. Norman knew the baby would be hungry and went to the
nursery with bottle in hand. He lifted the baby from the crib,
cradled him in his arms and sat in the padded rocking chair and fed his
son for the first time. The baby's eyes are still closed, but the
suckling motion was there, and as soon as the bottle was placed to his
lips, little Joseph eagerly took the bottle. He was allowed to finish
about one fourth of the bottle, and then Norman placed the baby on his
shoulder to burp him before allowing him to go back feeding. There was
a little burp along with a little spit-up which soiled and wet Norman's
shirt. It took almost 45 minutes for the bottle to be finished, and a
fresh diaper put on. The baby was placed back in the crib, belly full
and sound asleep.
Barbara was helped down the stairs to the family room where she watched
TV. Norman set the table for two for dinner and was re-heating the
dinner that the day worker had prepared. Barbara said that what she
really would like is an ice-cold martini. A big one. She had not had
any alcohol or tobacco (yes, she was a moderate smoker) since the day
she found out she was pregnant, and wanted one now. Norman said he
would make the cocktail but would prefer that she did not smoke in the
house for the baby's sake. For once, Barbara accepted a suggestion
that Norman made. She enjoyed the first sip of her drink, while Norman
had an orange juice, he being a non-drinker or smoker. He did make her
a big one, and when she finished she would have liked to have had
another, but was feeling the effect of the first one and decided that
she better eat her dinner else she would fall flat on her face.
Norman set the table with table cloth, using the good dishes and
silverware. He lighted the candles and led his wife to the dining room
for dinner. After they ate, he brought her back to the couch while he
cleared the table and cleaned up the kitchen. He was interrupted one
time by a noise from the nursery, and when he got there apparently the
baby just made a little noise and was still sound asleep.
By eight PM after an exhausting, but exciting day, they went to bed.
Norman told Barbara it felt so good to have her by his side again. But
some babies are day babies and some babies are night babies. Joseph
turned out to be a night baby. Every two hours there was crying coming
from the nursery that came through monitor. After being awakened the
second time in four hours, Barbara told Norman that he should sleep in
the nursery so that she could turn off the monitor and get some
uninterrupted sleep. Norman could see that this made sense, and after
tending to the baby, crawled in between the sheets to the and fell
asleep until only two hours later when the baby again demanded
attention.
It is common for new mothers to be sleep deprived the first month of
the baby's birth, and Norman became one of them. By the third day, a
routine was established, Barbara was rapidly recovering her strength
but made no attempt to take care of anything but herself. By the
fourth day, she missed the office and placed several telephone calls to
her boss to get updates on pending cases. The firm offered her one
month's maternity leave, but she told them she would only need two
weeks, and she told her boss that she expected to be back at her desk
the Monday after a full week of the birth. She said she could only
work part time at the beginning, this meaning an eight hour day instead
of the 12 or 14 hour days that were normally put in.
And the firm arranged for her to be picked up with a car and driver and
returned home when work was done, without having to drive it herself.
And on the 9th day after giving birth Barbara was back at work. Norman
was not happy about this, but he was so busy taking care of little
Joseph that he couldn't worry about it.
By now the baby's eyes were open. When Norman was feeding him, the
baby's eyes looked at him with a steady gaze. He was a beautiful baby,
yes, babies are beautiful without reference to sex, and a strange thing
began to happen. While this little dependent human being was being
held, a bond between the two began to develop. Norman knew that he was
responsible for the life of this child, and that the baby, was
completely dependent upon him. The maternal instinct is a term that is
generally applied only to women, but if males could develop it, then
Norman came close to that feeling. He began to love this bundle of
joy, more than life itself, and he was now happy that this job of
rearing became his, as he has never had such feelings of love as he did
at this time.
On the day that Barbara returned to her office, and the time of the
year being the middle of April, the weather warming up, but still a
little cool. Norman decided it was time to take Joseph out for an
airing. One of the gifts was a baby-tote. Really a huge handbag with
a lot of pockets around it. Norman packed it with extra diapers,
wipes, milk and whatever else he thought would be needed. There was
also room for his wallet,handkerchief and housekeys, so he put them in
the tote as well instead of in his pants pockets. He bundled the baby
up in blankets and placed him in the baby buggy and went to the public
park which was right across the street from their home. He thought the
fresh air would be good for the baby, and he was correct. He set the
brakes on the buggy so that it would not roll and he sat down on the
bench, pulled out today's newspaper from his coat pocket and prepared
to read.
Norman did not realize the attraction that a little baby gets. Every
passerby without exception would stop and admire the infant boy,
knowing it was a boy by the color of the blue blanket. Soon another
new mother pushing her baby in its buggy, saw Norman and asked if she
could sit next to him and chat. They exchanged names, found out that
they lived close by. She asked if Norman's wife was alright as it was
not usual to find the husband tending to an infant. He said she was,
but she was back at work and that he was going to be the house-husband
and rear the child. The woman was surprised but made no outward
comment to avoid embarrassing her new friend. After about thirty
minutes of easy conversation between the two, where formula's, child
rearing, and other baby items were discussed, little Joseph began to
fuss. It was still too cool to change the diaper in the open air, and
when Norman said he must go to change the baby, Edith, his new friend
suggested that he come to her house to change the baby and that she
would make him a nice cup of tea. Norman really thought that it was a
nice gesture on Edith's part and was reluctant to refuse, so he
accepted. They walked only to the end of the block and both babies
were brought into the house. Each parent dutifully admired edhe other's
baby, but each also secretly felt that their own baby was the cuter
one. But they chatted over tea and cookies, and Norman was surprised
at how easy it was to talk to this woman not realizing that all they
talked about was babies and of course he told her the whole story of
how it happened that he will be the main care-giver. Edith then
commented, "So, you are going to be Joseph's mommy."
After a pause, Norman said, "Yes, I guess you are right. I am going to
be his mommy."
They shortly said their goodbye's after arranging to meet in the park
at a future time and Norman wheeled his baby home, feeling quite good
about the morning. He didn't realize that he spent over two hours in
what would commonly be regarded as two women chatting together. When
Norman mentioned to Edith that he had to change his shirt three to four
times each day due to spit ups by the baby when being burped, Edith
suggested that he wear a housecoat or duster when at home. That they
had snaps instead of buttons, and can be whipped off and changed in an
instant, without the necessity of unbuttoning and re-buttoning. Norman
thought that was a good idea and ordered six smocks he found offered by
JC Penney on line. They were delivered in three days. By the end of
the week, the day worker was let go as there was little for her to do
with Barbara back at the office. Norman was able to make dinner by
himself, and the shopping was also an opportunity for little Joseph to
get out in the fresh air. It also was an opportunity for him to be
admired by every passerby, which made Norman proud to no end. No one
at the stores ever questioned him as to where the mother was.
Have you ever noticed that when men smile their lips are closed, and
that women smile, they show their teeth? Can it be that when you look
at the baby that is in your arms you want it to see a smiley face not a
scowly one. And that when you talk to the baby, you do it in the
softest voice possible so that the sound is soothing to the baby's
ears? And you slow the speed of your speech pattern so that the baby
can distinguish the different sounds? You even revert to baby talk and
speak to the baby in a sing-song lilt. Yes, you do. And without
realizing it, little by little, Norman began using his voice to benefit
the baby's attention span. He raised the tone of his voice, which was
a tenor anyway, just a little. And soon it became a habit and that was
how Norman began to speak to everyone. It was easier to maintain the
new pattern than to try to remember to switch back and forth. As long
as he did this when he was with little Joseph, no-one noticed, because
that is how babies are talked to, and no-one noticed because he was
with his son all of the time.
At the end of the baby's first month, Norman visited the obstetrician
and after an examination the doctor pronounced that the baby was indeed
healthy and looking good. He asked where Barbara was and the doctor
was told for the first time what the arrangements were in regard to
little Joseph. The doctor made no comment, but made sure that Norman
received all the printed instructions for care and development from his
nurse. He also expected that the baby be brought in once each month,
but in any emergency to call immediately. Norman took the papers, told
the doctor he understood and would see him in 30 days. Little Joseph's
cheeks were rosy from the outdoors,and he was sleepy and was soon
tucked into bed and slept for a long time. Being a night baby, Joseph
slept a lot during the daytime. Barbara was returned home from the
office promptly at six PM by the firm's limo driver, and slipped right
into an ice-cold martini. She kissed her husband in greeting on his
cheek, and asked what was for dinner. He asked about her day, and she
spent the next 45 minutes telling Norman about the activities in the
office. Afterwards she asked to see the baby, and was told her she
must be quiet when she was in the bedroom as he was sleeping. It was
understood, that Norman would now be sleeping in the nursery with the
baby so that Barbara's sleep would be undisturbed. So physical contact
between the couple was even further removed. But each was satisfied in
their roles. Tending to an infant is a full time job, 24 hours a day,
and it leaves little time for anything else. By this time Barbara was
back at the office full time which meant that she often did not get
back home until after midnight. Norman was asleep in the nursery and
they often didn't get to see one another for three to four days at a
time, even though they were living in the same house.
The order from Penny's came shortly and indeed Norman found the
housecoats better to wear than his shirt and slacks. He did not even
think about it being a woman's garment but something that made better
sense than what he was previously wearing. Along with the smocks he
purchase a pair of women's bedroom slippers because he found that his
men's slippers flip-flopped when he walked and the woman's slippers
stayed on his feet. They only had about a 1 1/4 inch heel and he soon
found himself wearing this outfit at home most of the time There was
no feeling of cross-dressing. He was a man who merely used what was
necessary to perform his duties. He didn't try to look like or act
like a woman. Housedress or not, he was still Norman.
If Barbara had the opportunity to come home for dinner she would phone
him to let him know that they would be eating together that night and
he would be sure to be in his men's clothes by the time she arrived at
home.
And so, the months wore on. The baby developed even faster than listed
on the charts. Except for a cold or fever here and there, the baby was
not only healthy but happy. He loved his caretaker, and was yet
unaware of what it was, but knew that it was the one who was taking
care of his needs. They bonded closer and closer. It didn't leave
time for Norman to have any personal life, and he hadn't been to the
barber shop in over three months. He found that when he bent over to
take care of the baby, such as changing a diaper, that his hair now
fell in his face and across his eyes. causing him to continually push
his hair back away from his face. He found some bobby pins in
Barbara's closet and put three in on each side of his head, effectively
holding his hair in place.
One day Barbara was coming home early and forgot to call to let Norman
know. When she came into the house she saw her husband cradling Joseph
in his arms giving him his bottle, but wearing a housedress, ladies'
slippers and with bobby pins in his hair, she demanded to know what is
going on. When Norman explained the reasons Barbara agreed that it
made sense. She asked to hold the baby, and when she took him little
Joseph squirmed and cried, wanting to be held only by his mommy. She
handed the baby back to Norman and said, "I guess you really are his
mommy now."
"I guess I am," he agreed.
After her martini and dinner and when the baby was asleep, Barbara
took Norman into her bathroom and with a thinning scissors began to
cut the hair on the sides of his head, thinning out the mass of hair
that was growing there. This allowed his hair to be brushed behind his
ears to the back of his head. His hair was now long enough at the back
to be put into a short pony tail, and she showed him how to brush it
and hold it and how to put a scrunchy around it to hold it in place.
When it was completed they both agreed that this was a much better
solution than before. And it certainly looked neater. While it didn't
look like a feminine 'do' it wasn't quite manly either. It sort of
softened his face, but at the time no one else noticed the difference.
By the end of the sixth months' examination, the doctor was pleased
with the baby's progress and complimented Norman as to what a good job
he was doing. The baby had progressed to solid foods, although pureed,
and the work of changing the baby's diapers, bathing feeding, etc. was
continual. From the beginning, Norman sought out and downloaded songs
to sing to the baby while feeding as well as stories to tell it.
Norman's voice was sort of high for a man, but still definitely a
masculine voice, but he found that when he was crooning to the baby
while feeding it in his arms he raised the pitch a little and the baby
seemed to enjoy it better. By the sixth month Norman was telling the
baby stories, and the baby while suckling on his bottle gazed deeply
into his mommy's eyes, listening, while still too young to understand.
But it did understand that this grown person was his life and the bond
between them continued to grow.
The friend he made with his neighbor Edith somehow expanded into a
group of six mothers including Norman. Once each week they gathered at
one or another's house to chat about child rearing, shopping, recipes
and house cleaning. Norman was always amazed at how much of the
women's intimate lives were discussed at these sessions. The
relationship with their husbands, his lack of empathy, or the male ego
were favorite topics of conversation. Most often the men were placed
in a disparaging light. Norman found that he too discussed his
marriage situation, which was similar to the other's except that the
sexes were reversed. The children were placed on a clean floor and
played with each other as best they could. Tea and cookies were always
served. The women accepted him as a mother and did not think of him
in any other way. But he was not trying to act feminine or female, he
thought of himself as a man, he was still a man, regardless of what he
wore or how he dressed his hair, but did concede that his baby thought
of him as 'mother'. He had no problem with that He was proud and
happy to be a mother. His days were spent doting on his son, and that
was now his total outlook on life.
One day while at home tending to Joseph the front door bell rang and
without thinking Norman answered the door. Standing there was Edith
and another mother from his group.
"We had a few minutes and we thought...." Edith didn't finish the
sentence when she realized that Norman was wearing his housedress and
slippers, hair in ponytail. Norman saw the look of surprise on the
women's faces and suddenly realized why.
"Please. Please come in." he said.
"Norman, you look very nice," the other lady said.
"I'm a little embarrassed as to what I am wearing, but it was Edith's
suggestion and I do find it more suitable during the day".
Edith then said, "You might want to consider shaving your legs."
"Please, Edith. I am not wearing this to look nice. It just makes
more sense. If it disturbs you, I'll go upstairs and change."
"No. No. Please don't. You look fine, just as you are."
But it was embarrassing to both parties and the ladies did not stay
long, leaving Norman to return to take care of his son.
His marriage was disappointing and there was no sexual relations
between them in over five months. Every so often, Norman found that he
had to relieve himself through masturbation and did it sometime during
the night in his bed. Each time he was finished he felt guilty, not
because of Barbara, but because he felt he somehow was failing Joseph.
Barbara was now frequently going out of town, acting as second chair
for her boss, a partner in the firm. She was a great asset to the case
due to her diligence and intelligence and love of the law and her job.
Unlike many of the other employees with families, Barbara did not
resent the long hours, but thrived on it. Soon she was handed her
first case out of town to handle by herself. At the airport she was
surprised to meet her secretary there, (Yes, she now had her own
secretary) who was to accompany her and take care of all the details as
well as to take notes at the meetings with both the client and the
opposition attorneys. It did not surprise Barbara that she was seated
in first class and her secretary was not, nor was she surprised when
her secretary took care of all of the details, luggage, finding the
waiting limousine, checking into the hotel. Barbara was assigned a two
room suite and the secretary an adjoining single room. A meeting with
the opposing attorney was scheduled for the following morning. Barbara
did not wear her court uniform to the meeting, but chose instead, to
wear a silky, form fitting, short skirted dress, showing a bit of
cleavage. She brushed her hair so that it hung loosely down her back.
She used makeup sparingly, and looked like a healthy, wholesome, young
woman, who at the age of 29 could pass for 22.
Both parties had their recorders and secretaries present at the meeting
and it was quite formal. The meeting lasted two hours and nothing was
really accomplished. They set out their positions and at the time
settling the case was a long way off. The opposing attorney was a 40-
ish male, who obviously took care of his body. He was polite and
pleasant but made no moves on Barbara. When the meeting was concluded,
and for a brief moment Barbara and the attorney were out of earshot
of the secretaries, she whispered to him, "Are you up for a cocktail,
say about six, at my hotel tonight?" Without hesitation he said,
"Sure." "Meet you at the bar," she said, shook his hand firmly and
sashayed out the door. He looked at her as she walked away, and he
thought, "Nice ass."
When Ken Adler arrived at the hotel bar promptly at six, he saw that
Barbara was already sitting at a table, martini in hand, waiting for
him. He sat down, greeted her with a peck on the cheek, and ordered a
Johnny Walker Black on the rocks from the waitress who shortly
appeared. They chatted about this and that, nothing really about the
case, and while in the middle of their second drink, Barbara asked him,
"What would you do for the ride of your life?"
"What?"
"I said, what would you do for the ride of your life?"
"I am not sure I understand," he said, but he was beginning to.
"I will state it simply. I will give you the fuck of your life if we
settle this case on a reasonable basis tonight. By tonight I mean now.
And I promise that you will not be disappointed."
Ken sat back in his chair. He has been a practicing attorney for over
fifteen years and in all that time he never was propositioned so openly
and brazenly. Barbara sat there, looking sweet and demure, but her
mouth said otherwise. Barbara picked up her purse, took out an
envelope and handed it to her opposing counsel. He took out the
agreement of settlement that she had prepared and carefully read it.
Barbara knew where her firm was prepared to go to settle this case, and
the terms she was offering Ken was far below what the firm told her
that they would accept.
They negotiated the terms a little bit, but by this time all Ken was
able to think about was to bed down this filly, and a man cannot think
straight when his penis is hard as a rock. He gave up more than he was
happy about, but within 45 minutes they negotiated an agreement, they
initialed the changes, and signed the settlement. As soon as Barbara
gave Ken his copy and put hers back into her purse, she reached out,
took his hand, and said, "Let's get the hell out of here." She led him
to her suite, and sure enough, Ken was not disappointed. Barbara was
also horny. She was so involved with her career that she failed to get
any sex from Norman even during the few times a month that they were
together, so she gave Ken what she promised. He spent the night, and
they experimented with every position, and by morning they were
exhausted. They showered together, ordered breakfast from room
service, and their parting was bitter-sweet because each realized that
they would probably never meet again.
But Barbara got what she came for. She called her boss, told him the
terms of the settlement which was highly favorable to the firm, and
also without the expense of going to trial. Trials, especially those
not in your own home town, are iffy at best. One never knows what a
jury or judge will do to affect your case. Settling the case on good
terms is always the better option. The firm was pleased and the client
was ecstatic. When she arrived back at the office later that day,
everyone stood up and clapped as she entered the office. No one at the
office knew what she had to do to effect this settlement and they never
will. She also realized that she had a tool to win cases that others
did not. And she was prepared to use it.
And for the following year, Barbara was known as a winner at the firm.
Time after time she settled the cases on positive terms. Once the
opposing attorney was a butch female. That did not stop Barbara from
seducing her, getting a settlement and not thinking twice about having
a sexual encounter with another woman. Winning the case was all that
mattered. If she could not affect a sexual liaison she won her cases
because she was prepared, and she had a natural talent for the law She
knew that she was going to make partner in a year or two, and that was
her goal. She would be the first female, and the youngest partner ever
that the firm ever had. Her father, the Judge, could not have been
more proud of his daughter, the attorney...the winner.
And so, two years went by. Joseph was now walking and running and
getting into mischief. The age called, "The terrible twos." He
learned to say the word "No." and it was a difficult time to be a
parent. Norman was involved in taking care of him, teaching him, and
spent some time each day with his women's circle of friends. He didn't
realize it but his only conversations were women's talk. He long ago
had no time to watch sports on TV, to know who won the game, or to even
have any relationship with other males, His only real friends were the
other five mothers and he found that he was quite comfortable in their
company talking about household chores, their babies, shopping, food,
and always conversation about their relationships with their husbands..
Without realizing it, or trying to become feminine in his ways, he was
'one of the girls'.
One thing that Norman did not have to worry about and that was
finances. He was given a Visa card with an unlimited amount, and was
able to draw whatever cash he needed from the ATM machine. All bills
were sent directly to Barbara's office and her secretary was instructed
to pay them without question. Even when the baby was small and he felt
he needed a van instead of a sedan, a new Chevrolet van was
immediately purchased and delivered to his home. Cost of the product
was not an issue. Norman did not know how much his wife earned at the
firm. He was unaware that her last Christmas bonus equaled fifty
percent of her salary. He was also unaware that Barbara purchased the
home that they were renting, paying cash, with the help of her father,
the Judge.
By now Norman's hair had grown down to past his shoulders, and one day
while having tea at Edith's house she said to him, "You really should
do something about your hair. Let me see what I can do." She led him
to her vanity in her bathroom, sat him down at a little chair and began
to brush his hair. She found that some of it was tangled and had to
spend a little time getting it unsnarled. When all the knots were out,
she began to brush his hair back vigorously until it developed a shine.
She then gathered the hair forming a pony tail, but a little higher on
his scalp than he usually placed it. She then took a satin ribbon,
winding it about the hair, holding it in place, and tying off the ends
in a bow. She cut off the ends with a scissors, saying to Norman,
"There, doesn't that look much better?" And Norman had to agree that
it did. Edna made him promise that each night before he went to bed he
would give his hair a hard brushing so that the knots would not
reappear and the shine to his hair would remain. He promised that he
would.
Edna also suggested that Norman shave his legs. "Why would I want to
do that? I am a mother, but I am not a woman."
"I know that Norman, and I don't want to make you a woman, but when you
wear your dusters at home your legs look so unsightly, even though your
hair is blond. And you really have to do something about your shoes."
So Norman began shaving his legs. At first he shaved them only up to
the knees, and when he saw how nice and smooth his skin felt, finished
the job by going all the way up to his hips. He had to agree that it
looked a lot better than before. He purchased several pair of women's
loafers with a 1 1/2" heel, and found them to be more comfortable to
wear than the houseslippers.
The ladies and Norman took turns hosting the weekly gathering for tea
and gossip and several weeks later it was Norman's turn to be the host.
When the ladies arrived they found that he was wearing a lovely
housedress, with shaven legs slipped into women's loafers. His hair
was in a pony tail high on his head and tied with a blue ribbon satin
bow. All the ladies complimented him on his new look and he was
pleased at their acceptance. After they finished the tea, and were
sitting around the cocktail table chatting, Edith pulled out a lipstick
from her purse, told Norman to pucker his lips, and applied a light
amount of lipstick to his lips. She took him to a mirror, saying,
"There. Doesn't that make you look better?"
He replied, "Yes it does, but I am not sure I want to do this." And he
took a Kleenex and wiped the gloss off of his lips.
It was a year later when Joseph was now going on four when he was
entered into day care. This was for only three hours a day during the
week days, and it allowed Joseph to learn to play and interact with
other little boys and girls. It was a year since he had his first boy
haircut. That happened when he had a mop full of golden curls and a
passerby commented, 'what a cute girl.' The next day Norman took him
to the barber shop and had the curls cut off and a boy's part put in.
Little Joseph was not going to be girly. But Joseph was a precocious
kid and was alert to everything around him. The Carpelli genes of
smarts were given him by his birth mother. One day, when Norman was
feeding him lunch at home, he said to his mother, "Mama, why don't you
look like the other mommies?"
"What do you mean, honey?"
"Well, all the other mommies dress different. The wear dresses and
jewelry (he was only able to pronounce it 'joolry') and stuff, and you
don't.
"Would it please you if I did?"
"Oh, yes Mama. I want you to look like the other mommies. I don't
want you to look different."
"I will see what I can do, sweetheart," Norman told his son.
That afternoon while Joseph was at day-care, Norman called Edith and
asked if he could come over to talk about something important that came
up. She said he could, and he did.
"When they were seated, drinking their tea, Edith asked, "You said it
was important. What is it?"
"You know I would do anything for my Joseph. Whatever he wants I will
do. But he told me this morning that he wants me to look like the
other mommies, and I don't know how to handle that. I don't want to
pass myself off as a woman, I don't feel like a woman, but I do want to
make my son happy with his mother."
Edith took about four minutes before replying. "Please don't take
offense at what I am going to tell you, Norman. We have been dear
friends for over four years now and I feel that I can tell you what you
need to hear. You are his mommy. No. You are his mother. Tell me
what male friends do you have?"
"I don't have any," he replied.
"See? You have become a woman without even being aware of it. You
accept that you are a mother, you have let your hair grow long and your
light beard is not evident. You wear housedresses at home. You dote
upon your Joseph like any other mother. The other girls in our circle
would have no problem with you dressing as a woman. I am not sure as
to how you would look, but I'll bet you would look nicer than you
realize. Would you like me to start things rolling for you?"
"I'll do anything for my son, and I think I should at least try it and
see if that is what he really wants."
"O.K. The first thing I will set up is an appointment at the salon.
You will first have to have your hair styled properly, and you will
have to learn not only what cosmetics to buy but how to apply them. We
then have to get you some clothes. Looking at you, I think you would
fit in a size 14, but that depends on the style. Oh, Norman, it could
be a lot of fun. Won't you go along with it and make it fun for you,
too?"
"Yes, I think I can do that. At least I'll try."
Norman arranged that Joseph would be sent to his mother for the day,
and Grandma Nagel was always glad to have him. She too doted on this
child, as grandmothers do. And that day was spent at the salon. Edith
introduced Norman to the shop owner and she was not surprised at the
request of a makeover, especially when she was told the story of his
being 'mommy'. Norman's hair was now down his back, but needed
trimming. Naturally blond, his hair looked mousy however, and
highlights were added to give it a fresh look. She styled his hair so
that it parted to one side, and was swept back loose behind his ears
and fell easily down his back and then it was cut so that the hair was
all the same length. She showed him how to set it himself and he was
an apt pupil. In the meantime a manicurist gave him a pedicure and
manicure. His nails were kept short for sanitary reasons, and all he
did was clip them with a nail clippers. The manicurist filed them
evenly, removed the excess cuticles and applied two coats of clear
enamel. Even without color, Norman found himself admiring his hands
and how pretty the shiny nails looked. His eyebrows were tweezed and
trimmed to a feminine arch but not too thin. Mascara was applied which
darkened and accentuated his lashes, and made his eyes look larger. It
was decided not to line his eyes with eyeliner, at least not at this
time. Care was taken by the beautician in selecting the proper colors
of foundation, eye shadow and lipstick. He was shown the difference
between applying make up for day use or for evening wear. And finally,
in great pain, he was given a full body wax, but when it was finished,
his skin felt smooth and silky. He rubbed his hands over his arms and
liked the way it felt. And finally, they pierced his ears, and a round
pearl stud was now installed in each of his earlobes. With a little
spritz of perfume he was now complete. He looked like and smelled like
a mother.
It took all of five hours for this to be completed. And when it was
done and he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw Norman, but he was
looking at Norma. Not a classic beauty by any means, but a nice
looking woman. A nice looking mother. He announced, " I think
everyone ought to call me Norma from now on." And nobody disputed the
decision.
Edith drove him home and they began to select what to wear as the
previous week they spent a lot of time on-line buying stuff that they
thought he needed. For the first time in his life, he was helped into
a bra, which was lightly padded. The bra felt strange around his
chest, but Edith checked the fit and adjusted the straps until Norma
announced that it was comfortable. Edith took great care in measuring
him before purchasing the items, and most of the garments fit
perfectly. He went into the bath room and removed his cotton jockey
shorts, and for the first time put on a pair of nylon panties. They
fit him snugly and felt comfortable. They felt no different than the
jockey shorts except that there was no opening for the fly. When
wearing the dusters at home he long ago found out that it was more
convenient to sit when urinating than to try to stand, hold the hem of
the skirt with one hand, and the penis with the other. So, sitting to
pee was something that he was doing for a long time.
Norma and Edith had a great time having Norma try on all of the clothes
that were waiting. They knew that they ordered too much because some
of the stuff would not fit or look nice and would have to be returned.
There were skirts and blouses, sweaters, dresses, hosiery, anklets.
There were coats, raingear and boots. And shoes. Flats, loafers,
pumps with 2" heels, and one pair of strappy shoes with a three inch
stiletto heel. Norma tried all the shoes, a few had to be returned as
not fitting well. He didn't think he would ever be able to wear the
stiletto's as his ankles wobbled when he tried to walk in them. But he
kept them anyway. Then there were purses. Most of them with shoulder
straps. He long ago was used to carrying the diaper bag with his
personal stuff in it and not in his pants pockets, so carrying a purse
did not seem strange to him.
He didn't realize it at the time, but he was having a good time trying
on all of the garments and was excited at his new wardrobe. But the
excitement was one of anticipation and not sexual. At no time did he
ever get aroused sexually by w