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Mystic Godfather ---------------- Chapter 1 --------- His arrival was memorable in itself but that was the night I went to my first high school dance. Mom tried to console me she would never understand. I buried my head in my pillow so I didn't notice the flash of light or hear the opening of the closet door. The music was on to mask my tears so I didn't hear him approach. I only knew someone was in my room when I felt something bump against my bed. A man was standing there when I looked up. He had curly brown hair and looked to be about thirty years old with the thick frame of someone that worked out a lot. I don't know why I didn't scream but I think it had something to do with his eyes. They were ordinary brown eyes, hidden by thick glasses, but when I looked into them I just knew he meant me no harm. I don't know why I felt this way. Perhaps it was his face that looked as scared as I felt. I asked the obvious question. "Who are you? Why are you in my bedroom?" The man seemed to relax when I spoke and he said, "I'm here to help." I didn't understand. How could this strange man help? What could he know? I sat up and pulled my covers close. He said, "I know about the dance. I know about Tim." My face began to redden. "Wha-- How? No way. I haven't told anyone about that." "I know you James. Better than you know yourself." "But how?" "I know people don't believe in fairy tales any more but that doesn't mean the stories are complete lies. Think of me as your ... mystic godfather. I'm here to help." He laughed at his joke. "Is that like a fairy godmother? Or a guardian angel?" The man said, "Something like that. It's ok that you like Tim." "B-B-but he's my best friend. And he likes Betsy." The image of the them kissing on the dance floor flashed in my mind and I could feel the tears form. "Tim's not gay but then neither are you. Not really." The words confused me and I returned a blank stare. "I know you are going through a rough time and I'm here to help." He passed me a bottle. "Drink this. It will help." I shook my head. "Come on James. I don't have a lot of time here. Drink it. I know you were thinking about killing yourself earlier. Could this be any worse?" The bottle had no label and full of a purplish liquid. "What will it do?" "Does it matter? I promise it will help." I hesitated for a few moments before breaking the seal and drinking it all. The man smiled then walked to the closet and opened the door. "What will it do?" "I don't have time to explain right now but I will be back." "Wait! I don't even know your name." The man smiled. "Sam. You can call me Sam." He closed the closet door and I tried to follow but was blinded by a flash of light. When my vision cleared, the closet was empty. Chapter 2 --------- Things didn't get better as Sam promised. I tried to act normal as Tim and Betsy became inseparable and our friendship suffered. I even tried to go on a few dates with Betsy's friends but that was more torturous than spending Saturday night alone in my room. Saturday's freed up and instead of parties, I threw myself into my studies as going out seemed pointless. It was a Saturday about a month later when Sam came back. I was sitting at my desk figuring out an algebra equation when I saw the flash that announced his arrival. He seemed happy to see me but neither of us were anxious to talk and the awkward silence filled the room as he stared for what seemed like a minute. "Are things better?" I had been waiting for most of the past month to talk to him, "No. You lied." "I'm sorry. I thought my potion would help." "It didn't." "Are you at least happier than the last time we met?" "Not really." "But you crushed in the mile at the league championship today. That had to feel good." "Third isn't winning." "Third?" Sam had a confused look on his face. "That's interesting. I thought you won." I shook my head, "Some mystic godfather you are." Sam didn't say anything for a few seconds as he seemed unsure of himself. Silence filled the room. My mind flashed back to the race. I'd won all the head to head meets in the mile during the season and expected to win the league championship again since I'd won it as a freshman the year before. Letters from colleges had piled up all last summer and dad said he was expecting great things from me as I hadn't even hit the growth spurt my doctors had predicted. Part of me worried when I grew it would negate the advantage my long legs and 5'4" frame gave to me. My slight build (110 lbs) accrued lots of grief from my classmates over the years though I had become accustomed to the nickname of 'Mouse' years before. Dad said he was a late bloomer too and the other part of me couldn't wait. Finishing third in the league meet was a sign that something was happening. Sam said, "I'm sorry the last one didn't work. I'm sure this potion will make you feel better." I don't know why I didn't make a connection between Sam and my slower time at the league meet. I drank the second potion without a thought and then Sam disappeared. Chapter 3 --------- I think I did feel better for a while. Something was different that was for sure. I thought about telling my parents but I knew they wouldn't believe me. It was about a week later that I think I noticed anything though at the time I didn't know it. My jersey had irritated my skin and I felt all achy. I remember being mad at everyone and one of my better tantrums led one of my teachers to push for a 3 day suspension. The school administrators wrote it off as frustration as I had just missed qualifying for the regional track meet. It was a bitter pill after making the state meet the year before. Mom and Dad weren't as understanding when they heard and they sent me to see my shrink. Did I mention I have a shrink? I should explain. My shrink used the euphemism 'blue periods' though I'm sure that's not the clinical name. I was pretty sure my shrink was a hack because all she did was talk to me for a few sessions, give me a few pills, and then we didn't see each other for a few months. I know my parents really couldn't afford to pay for the sessions and it always made me feel bad that they felt they couldn't control me. I'd had the problem long before Sam arrived and I think it had something to do with my feelings but I don't really know. All I knew was I watched helpless as I said and did things I couldn't help. The pills took away the panic but not my shame and I never told a soul about it. Not even my shrink. Of course Sam knew. He was my mystic godfather after all. When he didn't appear after another month I began to wonder if he was ever going to come back. ***** School ended and I've never been so glad to see a year end. I made a few halfhearted attempts at finding a job but eventually convinced Dad to let me concentrate on working out instead. Football tryouts were in August and I had a lot of work to do to have a shot at varsity. Coach always claimed that summer workouts were voluntary but it wasn't a coincidence that anyone that made the team also worked out all summer. My first workout was an embarrassment of epic proportions. I'd lost 40 lbs on my bench press and 75 lbs on my squats since I had stopped lifting weights when track season started. That didn't bother me as it had always come back fast in the past but the thing I couldn't explain was my endurance workout. Tim beat me by almost a hundred yards in the 10 minute run and though I tried to blow it off everyone on the team teased me about it. Getting beat by Tim wasn't as bad as it may sound as he was a good runner too. It's how we become friends in the first place. He'd even run anchor leg on the league champ 4x400 relay team. The thing was I had always been faster than him and now I wasn't. I blamed my shrink's meds. The coaches told my dad they thought it might be the prelude to the growth spurt he said was coming. I didn't think about other possibilities. Doc Hack (not my shrink's real name) changed my prescription after our next session but it didn't help. At our next time trial two weeks later, five guys were ahead of me when the coach blew the whistle to signal the end of the ten minutes. I think that was the first time I really knew that something was wrong and the tears streamed down my face as I sat near where I finished on the infield of the track. I heard my teammates laughing as they went back to the locker room but I didn't care. Only Tim stopped to asked if anything was the matter but I told him to go away. I didn't want to talk to anyone. It wasn't like I didn't notice changes before but for the most part I hadn't minded. The soreness in my chest that had started as an irritation hadn't gone away but football workouts had made my whole body scream in pain. Other things happened that I couldn't explain. For instance the hair on my legs and arms had lightened but I liked that as I'd always hated hairy legs. I'd even gotten a few compliments. The change in my reaction to the locker room was something else. I'd always hated going into locker room because the sweat combined with dirt and a lack of ventilation to create a stench that was overpowering. I admit my locker was among the worst but recently I swear my sweat had taken a smell sweet that I liked. The other boys smelled different too. It had a musty smell and I didn't mind it as much. My attraction to some of the guys on the team was getting worse and I struggled to control my thoughts and my stares especially as we showered after practice. Thankfully I never showed any excitement down there but that was part of the problem too. My morning friend was essentially non-existent and it took all my concentration to get any response at all. As the second month passed with no sign of Sam's return, I thought about talking to my parents about my problems. The thing was I couldn't tell them about Sam because they already thought I was crazy. Mentioning a man was visiting me from my closet would have been the last straw. Chapter 4 --------- I was about 12 years old when I realized that I was different from my friends. It all started when my sister hit puberty. She was a tomboy but it changed when she got to high school. She laughed when I asked her to spend time with me as her interests now ranged from dresses and shopping to parties and boys. In hindsight it was inevitable our bond would break as she was three years older but until then we were best friends. Seeing her wearing all this new stuff was a shock and one afternoon when she and my parents weren't home I had to try it. I can still remember the feeling of the silk on my skin. It felt good. She left for college and when no one else was around I made her bedroom my playground and her dressing table my artistic escape. I think she suspected something early on but never said a word. It was fortunate she and I were close to the same size and while I felt shame every time I wore her things it wasn't like I had any other choice. There was no way I was going to wear Mom's clothes. ***** Another two weeks passed and my name had slid to the bottom of all the coaches charts. I needed help if I wanted to make the team so I told my parents about my struggles. My Mom took me to the doctor the next day. The doctor called our house a few days later and I knew that couldn't be good. We scheduled another appointment the next morning because 'something in my bloodwork didn't seem right'. Mom and Dad wouldn't tell me the details. I got concerned when the doctor started his exam by squeezing and pulling on various parts body that had never interested him before. They did a stress test to check my heart. After that it was off for a series of X-Rays, a full body MRI, and even a CAT scan. I was starting to get worried I was going to die but I should have noticed a pattern in the doctor's questions. "Have you been taking any supplements other than the anti-depressants you listed on your chart?" "No." "Have you noticed any changes in your testicles lately?" "Umm... no." "Are you sure?" I thought about it. "Umm... no." "Are they smaller?" "I don't know. I've never measured them." I remember the annoyed look on his face to my sarcasm. Then he asked the questions that made it all come together and made me think of Sam. "What about your breasts?" "Umm... I don't have breasts." The doctor put an x-ray on the wall. "This says different. Are you sure you haven't been taking any supplements that might explain this?" I looked at the screen and saw a mass about the size of a quarter behind each nipple. "What's that?" The doctor placed my hand on my breast. "Do you feel that?" I got a queasy feeling in my stomach as I felt the lump. I had tried to ignore them since I'd noticed them a few weeks earlier. "We call those breasts buds and they are typically found in pre- menstrual girls." I remember the news gave me a slight thrill along with a shudder that crawled up my spine. "What does that mean?" "I need to speak with your parents. Are you are sure you haven't taken anything? A testosterone blocker or estrogen supplements?" Was it possible? No way! I couldn't tell the doctor the truth. He'd never believe it. I wasn't sure I until that moment if Sam's visit wasn't anything more than a vivid dream. "I think I drank something at a party a few months ago but I usually stick to sports drinks and protein powder you can buy in any store. Is it possible they could have caused this?" The doctor shook his head. "No. You'd need constant shots at various intervals supervised by a physician to get the results I'm seeing." "What does it mean?" "It means we need to talk to your parents and make some decisions before this goes any further." ***** I didn't even flinch when the doctor explained my gynecomastia to my parents. My Dad held my Mom in his arms as tears streamed down her face. The doctor said that my estrogen and testosterone levels were ideal for a 15 year old girl. He couldn't explain how it happened but that if left untreated I could soon expect changes to my body that would mimic any other teenage girl, in fact it had already started. My Dad seemed mad and yelled at the doctor when he heard the news, "How can this be happening?" The doctor shrugged, "I don't know." My Mom grabbed me by the shoulders, "Are you taking anything?" "I swear I'm not." I thought about Sam and said. "I mean I drank something strange at a party a few months ago but that's it." They looked at the doctor who shook his head. "One drink won't do this." Tears streamed down Mom's face as the doctor explained he'd referred me to a specialist who'd run more tests and probably give me a series of testosterone boosters. There was talk that I might need breast reduction surgery once they got my hormones under control. The car was deathly silent as we drove home and I knew there was only one thing that explained this no matter how unlikely my doctor said it was. If my guess was correct, he'd be visiting soon. ***** For the next week, when I wasn't at the doctor's office or going through the motions at football workouts I spent my time in my room in hopes that the one person that I thought could give me answers would re- appear. It was another Saturday night when my patience was rewarded as the tell- tale flash appeared in my closet and I ran to the door. I almost didn't recognize him. "Sam?" He nodded. "I normally go by Samantha but most of my friends call me Sam." Sam was wearing a dress that went past his knees and the makeup he wore had a classy feel. A pair of designer frames had replaced the thick glasses and his dark brown hair was now auburn with blonde highlights. The hair fell from his face so that it barely touched his shoulders and framed everything in a way that I thought looked really cute. I said, "I don't understand." "I know and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I haven't been around and I'm sorry for what I'm putting you through." "Can you explain?" Sam nodded, "I need to be quick. I don't have a lot of time." One question popped to mind, "What is going on? Am I a girl or a boy?" Sam smiled, "A little of both it seems." The lack of answer made me mad. "I don't understand." He laughed, "I apologize for my sad attempt at humor at your expense. I know this isn't easy for you." Sam took a deep breath and continued, "I too have had difficulty understanding my sexuality. When I got into UCLA I had quite a few flings with both sexes but nothing seemed right. Only my passion for crossdressing seemed to suffice though it was hard to find many friends comfortable with it." Sam did seem to understand my issue as he had guessed my secret. "What did you do?" "I threw myself into my studies. My grades got me into Cal Tech and an advanced degree in Physics. That led to bigger and better things that are better left for later." "But why are you wearing this outfit? The last time we met I think you were wearing jeans and a t-shirt." That wasn't the only change I noticed. "I guess you could say I'm in the middle of transitioning." The shock of seeing Sam like this had made me forget my anger but it returned and I fired off a series of questions I'd been waiting to ask all week. "Hey wait a minute! The first time we met you said you were my mystic godfather. Now you are saying you a just a scientist who is transitioning to live their life as a girl? Should I call you my fairy godmother now? And how are you getting into my closet? And what did you give me? Do you know what it did?" Sam gave a sympathetic smile. "I know everything has been tough but I don't have time to explain it all. I'm sure you can figure it out if you think hard enough. I know you have a very good brain inside that head, James Samuel Cook." Hearing my middle name made me think of Mom when she was mad. Sam read my mind, "Did I just sound like Mom?" My head started to spin. Was this? It couldn't be. That's not possible. I said, "Those were drugs you gave me not a magic potion. Experimental drugs." Sam nodded. "I know they confused the hell out of your doctor. I apologize for my part in the deception but I do know deep down it is something you wanted." "But why? Why did you do this to me?" "Come on James. Use your brain. Do I really have to give another hint? Think about all the possibilities and eliminate the things that can't be true. The remaining idea has to be the right answer." "But nothing makes sense. Unless...." "Yes?" "Well somehow you are appearing out of thin air but that's impossible." "But you know it isn't. So assume it is and figure the possibilities." "Where are you coming from?" "Closer but still not the right question." The knot in the pit of my stomach tightened as I said the truth I struggled to believe. "When? Are you from the future?" Sam smiled, "Bingo!" "How did you know my thoughts? I never told anyone." Sam didn't respond. It was impossible Sam was from the future but it was either that or he really was magic. And if he was from the future then only one thing made sense. "Are you ... me?" Sam nodded. "I go by Samantha Jane Baker now. I changed it when I finally decided to accept my true self. Our parents couldn't accept it so I broke off contact with them a long time ago." "But why not tell me?" "Would you have believed me when we first met? I remember being 15. As I recall our parents were one step from sending us to a mental hospital. I had to act careful." I pulled off my top and felt the two small lumps that were slowly getting bigger. "But why do this? Do you know what you've done?" Sam nodded, "You and I both know it is something you wondered about. It gets much worse as you get older and in time you will wish you had done something before you hit your growth spurt." Sam place three pictures in front of me. That first one is us before I visited you the first time. I saw a picture of a tall man I remembered. "This doesn't look like you." "It isn't. Not really. The first 'potion' he gave you was full of nanomachines designed to eliminate testosterone from our body. The process takes a few weeks which is why he waited to return. The second 'potion' flooded your system to equate the estrogen level to that of a teenaged girl." The words made little sense but one thing stood out, "You put machines in me?" Sam laughed, "It's complicated but don't worry. That's the way many medications are administered in the future. When they are done they exit your system in the normal way." "Do I still have any left in me?" "Most of them are gone. Each nanomachines has a very specific job and they shut down to be absorbed once finished. A few are still attached to our glandular system and regulate our hormone levels to where the doctor proscribed. That's where they will stay unless they receive further instructions." "The doctors?" "Samantha Baker was approved for gender transformation. You got the doses." "So even if the doctor gives me testosterone booster...." "... the nanomachines will clear it from your body." I felt the rise of a panic attack, "What if I don't want this?" "I know you better than that but that's one of the reasons for this visit. I know you needed some time to digest this information. I will be coming back next Saturday with another dose but I wanted to give you some time as you deserve that. I will do what I can to reverse everything if that's what you really want but deep down, I think you know the truth." James heard a bell and saw Sam pull a device from his belt. "Damn. I thought I set it for longer. Gotta go!" "But I've got more questions!" "Next Saturday. I'll answer everything next Saturday." I saw a light flash in the closet and didn't bother to look as I knew Sam was gone. I tried to get some sleep but tossed and turned as my conversation with Sam replayed in my mind. I must have dozed off which allowed the comment that had escaped my conscious mind to work its way to the surface. The clock read 3:25am when I jumped out of bed and I ran into the closet. I shouted at the darkness. "What does the third dose do?" No one was there. The answer would need to wait a week. Chapter 5 --------- I knew my parents would be of no help and I couldn't talk to anyone at school. Truth be told, Tim was my only close friend and it would be too embarrassing. I considered talking to my shrink though after I thought about it I doubted that cheap pill pusher had really ever helped anyone. That only left my sister. We hadn't spoke much since she got back from school as she usually slept all morning, worked all afternoon, and partied all night. Every night at dinner Mom complained as the process repeated itself. I made sure she had the day off work then waited until 10 AM before daring to knock. She didn't answer on my first or second attempt but being desperate, I decided to barge in. "Hey! I didn't say to enter!" My sister was sitting in a chair by window frantically trying to get the smoke from her cigarette to go outside. I smiled. "I already know you smoke sis. There's no reason to hide it from me." "I don't want Mom to find out dumb ass. Please close that door behind you on your way out." I tried to give my sister my most pathetic look, "Do you have some time to talk, Lynn? I really need to talk to someone and I've always valued your advice." My sister laughed. "You want my advice? That's hard to believe but I guess you can stay. Just close that door. I really don't want to hear Mom's shit." I locked the door and watched as my sister light up another stinky herbal cigarette. She asked, "What's up?" My sister had changed a lot in the past year. Even more than she did when she first discovered boys. When she left home she was a former cheerleader who made the honor roll every semester. She came home a chain smoker that wore lots of black clothing and too much makeup with a habit of staying out until 3am in the morning. Mom hoped it was just a phase but Lynn had gone through a lot of phases. "I don't know. How are things with you? I miss talking to you." "Did Mom put you up to this? I swear if..." "She didn't. I don't know what to say to you anymore Lynn." "So why did you come in here?" Enough small talk. I needed to get to the point. "Did Mom and Dad tell you about my doctor's visit?" Lynn shook her head. "We aren't talking right now. My grades weren't that great this last term." I nodded. That explained a lot about the tension in the house. "Well I've got this condition called gynocumasta or something like that." Lynn shook her head, "What the fuck does that mean?" I couldn't stop the tears that formed as I spoke. "It means I've lost all the testosterone in my body and it's been replaced by estrogen. I'm cranky, I'm bloated, I'm weaker, and I'm starting to grow tits. It's turning me into a fucking girl is what the fuck it means." I remember my sister's mouth opened as she stared at me without saying a word. It felt like forever but it probably was only a few seconds. "That's a lot to take in bro. Are you ok?" "I think I am but I just don't know what to think. You know what I mean?" "I guess, wait ... Is that why you've been wearing my clothes and stealing my makeup?" I felt the blush rise on my cheeks, "You noticed?" "You've always been a bit of a slob James. I don't mind sharing just clean up after yourself." Lynn looked sympathetic then her face brightened. "Oh, I have a lot of old clothes I was about to throw out. I don't wear that flowery shit anymore and you can have if you want them. I think I have an old makeup kit around here somewhere too." "I don't know sis. I don't think Mom and Dad will like that." "Fuck 'em if they don't like it. You gotta do, what you gotta do." Lynn went into her closet and before long, a pile had formed at my feet. Lynn called from the closet, "So is this gynocumia thing reversible?" I shouted back, "I don't know Lynn." "Considering all this." She pointed at the pile of clothes she'd placed on the floor. "Do you want it to be?" "I really don't know Lynn." My sister grinned and threw a few more things on the pile. She helped me put everything into a cardboard box then said, "I hate to be rude but I gotta get dressed. Some girlfriends and I are headed to the beach to meet some guys." Some things never changed. ***** My mind raced as I looked at the box on the floor of my bedroom. 'Was this really to be my future?' I checked the internet to find out the effect estrogen had on the male body and some things started to make a lot more sense. Irratibility? Check. Weight gain? Check. Loss of muscle mass? Check. Change in smell? Check. Breast growth? Check. The articles also said my pubic hair growth would tend to a female pattern though that wasn't something I'd ever paid much attention. My testicles would shrink to a fraction of their former size and the hormone imbalance would eventually cause infertility if they couldn't stop it in time. That explained why I overheard the doctor mention to my parents that I needed to go to a sperm bank as soon as possible. In some small way I guess I was at least thankful for the impotence that came along with this as I don't think I could have handled the grief from my teammates if my reaction downstairs reflected my thoughts as we showered. My voice was another issue. I'd always hated my voice as the guys on the team didn't call me 'Mouse' for just my diminutive size. According to the articles my voice would never change without testosterone. It also meant I'd never have a growth spurt or at least like the one my Dad kept saying was coming. I might grow a few inches but my estrogen filled body would only be as tall as it would have been if my genetics were completely female. Speaking of which, estrogen caused girl's bodies to accumulate more fat which tended to stay on the hips and butt so I had that to look forward to. For all intents, I was going to look a lot like a girl but with none of the plumbing. On a positive note, at least my skin would get smoother and my hair would get more body. Yay me! Breast growth worried me the most as I thought about football practice. I don't know why I was even bothering at this point as it wasn't very noticeable but it was only a matter of time before someone would say something in the shower. The area under my nipple was really sore though thankfully the nipple itself hadn't started to grow yet. It might have been my imagination but I thought I could see the discoloration around the whole area that the internet said would eventually become my areola. My areola! I never was very consistent in taking the mood pills the shrink gave me but that week I started taking the maximum dose the internet said was safe. I know it probably wasn't smart but I knew my normal stress relief of going for a run would only remind me of just how much strength I had lost. A few hours must have passed as Mom knocked on my door to let me know dinner was ready but I didn't want to see anyone that night. She seemed ok with it too as she left a tray of food next to my door. The box of clothes called my name all day but I hadn't bothered to open it. I had already decided to skip football practice on Monday but I just couldn't put on the clothing. Was that to be my future? It only a few weeks ago that I had spent a whole Sunday dressed in my sister's clothing while my parents went to pick her up from school. Now the whole thing scared the hell out of me. "Do I want this?" Chapter 6 --------- It was still difficult to imagine that Sam was my future self but if this was a prank it was a convincing one. I knew I needed to focus my mind before Sam returned so I decided to go to the library and do some research. "Do you have any books on time travel?" The librarian pointed me to the science section. I found one that didn't seem too complex and spent most of the morning reading it. Theories varied on the subject. Scientists agreed that Einstein's relativity showed time travel forward was possible but most also said it was impossible to travel backwards in time. Fiction writers had many more interesting explanations. Sam's words echoed in my head, 'Eliminate the impossible and what you are left with has to be the truth.' That was the problem. Scientists said it was impossible but Sam said he had come from the future. The doctor also said what Sam's potion had done to me was impossible so either he was from the future or a magician as science didn't allow for either explanation. Only the fiction writers theories seemed to hold any answers. After Sam left I couldn't help but think about how much he had changed between visits. The first two times Sam visited he stood about 6' tall while on the third 'he' seemed to be around 5'8". On the first two visits, Sam had a deep voice and big frame. On the third, he sounded and looked more like a girl. If fact, the only way I even knew it was him was he'd reappeared in my closet and the look in his eyes. All three visitors had the same kind brown eyes framed by thick glasses. Why did the third Sam change? I thought I understood the answer to that question but then why didn't the second Sam change too? I added it to the notepad of questions to ask Sam when he returned. ***** Mom took me to see the hormone specialist on Tuesday and Doctor Wilson confirmed everything that our family doctor had already said. "Your body has shut off production of testosterone and is producing large amounts of estrogen. It's not unheard of but I've never seen anything at this level before. We need to make some quick decisions but not after your son goes through some counselling." My Mom asked, "What does that mean? Why does he need another therapist?" Dr Wilson answered, "Could you give me some one-on-one time with your son? I'd like to ask him a few questions and think he might be too embarrassed to answer with you in the room." I gave a weak smile as Mom turned to stare at me. "I'll be ok Mom." After Mom left, the doctor asked, "Are you sure you aren't seeing a specialist? I mean are you taking drugs to transition from male to female but don't want to tell your parents?" The stream of questions was starting to piss me off, "Why do you guys keep asking me that?" "That's because your results are too perfect. Even if you bought the drugs off of the internet you couldn't have gotten this perfect mix of drugs in your blood for your height, weight, and age. This just doesn't happen naturally to boys without a lot of blood work and careful administration." "I don't know what to say doc. Do you believe in magic wishes?" Doctor Wilson smiled, "Am I to take from the way you answered that you've at least considered transitioning?" I felt the blood rush to my face and was pretty sure the doctor knew the answer from my reaction. "It's crossed my mind a few times but I haven't told anyone. Please don't tell my Mom. I think it might kill her and Dad. I've only wore my sister's clothing when they aren't home." "But you haven't taken any drugs?" I took a few seconds to decide how to respond. She'd never believe the true answer. "I have not bought any drugs nor have I met with a doctor to proscribe me drugs. I doubt they'd do it without my parent's permission anyway." Doctor Wilson said, "It can be done if you want but it is complicated. The most important thing I want you to remember is you can talk to me and I will try to help. I promise I won't say a word to your parents. I know some good counsellors that specialize in this sort of thing." "Not right now doc but I do appreciate it. I think this is just a phase." "OK but until we get your hormones in control you are going through more than a phase. You need some help." If Sam was telling the truth they wouldn't ever get my hormones back in 'control'. Before we left, Doctor Wilson got Mom to agree to change my shrink and I gave silent thanks to that. As much as it scared me to think about telling anyone about my biggest secret, events were conspiring to make it impossible to ignore. ***** After the visit with Doctor Wilson I decided it was time to let the football coaches know I wasn't going to be back for a while. I'm sure they had noticed my recent difficulties and weren't too concerned to lose a player of my calibre but they did ask me if everything was ok. I lied and I told them it was a thyroid issue that needed medication that the doctors said would sort itself by fall. That seemed to satisfy their curiosity. I knew Dad was really disappointed when I told him but he agreed it was for the best considering my circumstances. Besides the cross country coach had been begging to run for him since I was in 8th grade. I didn't have the heart to tell Dad that my athletic career was probably over. Everyone in the family tried to pretend that nothing was the matter which had a nice side affect that Mom and Lynn started talking again. One thought kept running through my head. 'Just wait Mom. In a few months all three of us can talk about our girl issues.' Damn it Sam. Chapter 7 --------- I was determined to make the best of a bad situation. I spread the clothing from Lynn on the bedroom floor and couldn't believe some of the stuff she'd given me. I put them into separate piles - skirts, blouses, dresses, sweaters, pants. She'd even thrown in some old panties & nighties and a bikini she didn't want anymore. I tried not to think of how much use some of the items got as I put them in their own piles. After all, beggars couldn't be choosers. I kept my door locked as I sorted everything because even though Dad was at work, I didn't think Mom would react well if she saw me trying on Lynn's clothing. Events of the past few days made me care a bit less and I kept Lynn's advice in the forefront of my mind. 'Fuck them. You gotta do what you gotta do'. Lynn was a few inches taller than me and certainly had a different shape so nothing fit well. I didn't care. I tried everything on at least once and I have to admit. I kind of overdosed on the experience. I woke a few hours later to the sound of Mom pounding on the door. "I'm busy Mom!" "You have a visitor!" I was wearing one of Lynn's old nighties though I didn't remember putting it on. I pulled it off along with the panties and shoved them along with all the neat piles into my closet. "Who is it Mom?" "It's Tim!" Great. Tim was probably the last person I wanted to see but he had always been a good friend. I owed him an explanation. "Be there in a second." I put on a pair of pants and a t-shirt and hurried downstairs. Tim was sitting at the kitchen counter drinking a soda. "Hey Tim how's it going?" Tim watched as I walked down the stairs then stood and came to get a closer look. I hoped he didn't look too close. He knew me about as well as anyone and if someone could see the changes it was him. We'd first met on the junior high track team three years earlier. A good friendship had developed over many long runs where no one else could keep up. I'm not sure why. He was tall and fast. I was small and quick. He ran the quarter and the half mile. I ran the mile and two mile. He had blonde hair. I had brown. All the girls loved him and well ... you know about me. "Coach said you were quitting the team." That wasn't exactly the truth but everyone knew that without summer practice, making the team was impossible. "I'm thinking about going out for cross country instead." It was a lie but a useful lie. Tim looked over his shoulder and saw Mom in the kitchen trying very hard to look like she wasn't listening. "Do you have some time to talk? Like maybe we could go get something to eat." I really didn't want to talk but I couldn't refuse Tim. The way things were going I needed all the friends I could get. "Mom is it ok...." "Yes dear." Of course she was listening. ***** Tim had gotten his driver's license just before the school year ended. When he made it to regionals in the half mile, his parents surprised him by getting him a car. It wasn't anything great but it was another change in our relationship. As he drove, he asked me a question. "So why'd you really quit the football team?" "I didn't really quit forever Tim. I'm just not strong enough to hack it right now. You've seen my struggles on the track lately and my performance in the weight room. My speed got me through junior varsity football but that's not enough anymore. I'm too small." "Is something going on that you aren't tell me?" The way he said it made me think that rumors had already started. "What did you hear?" "I shouldn't have to ask. You are my best friend after all." It was nice to hear he still thought of us as best friends. We hadn't spoken much lately. I felt my eyelids start to water. Goddamn these hormones! "I don't want to talk about it Tim. I haven't told..." The words wouldn't come out any more and I put my head on my lap and I felt the car come to a stop. "I'm sorry James. I didn't I mean... shit. What ever it is you can tell me. You've been distant from me ever since I started dating Betsy. I tried to include you in our activities but you always say you are busy. I don't know what I did." "It's not you Tim." "What is it then? Is it cancer?" The word 'cancer' brought a smile to my face. "Is that what people are saying?" "People are worried. When coach told us you wouldn't be back at today's practice it convinced everyone you have some sort of terminal disease. I had to find out." And there it was. Some one was asking me for the truth and I had no real good answer. He'd never believe me if I told him the truth and he'd never believe me if I said nothing was wrong. The truth was I had no idea what would become of me in a week ... a month ... a year. I was pretty sure I knew what would happen if I couldn't reverse it. I'd start to look like Sam the last time I'd seen him. Could I live with that? Or was it better to ask for a cure and live like the tall version of Sam the first time we met? Is that what I wanted? Then there was the matter of the third potion. Sam hadn't explained it at all. Would it make me completely unrecognizable? If that were the case, how would anyone know me? I tried to explain, "I won't lie and say nothing is wrong. The truth is I'm going through something difficult and I can't explain it. It may end up as nothing. It may be that I'm a freak. And you might never see me again." I think deep down Tim knew I was telling the truth because he didn't push for a better answer. "I already think you are a freak 'Mouse'. A speed freak." I gave him a dutiful laugh. "...and you'd better not leave without saying goodbye. I don't understand but I guess you have your reasons." "I promise to stay in touch Tim." Even if you don't recognize me anymore. ***** Mom gave me a curious look after Tim dropped me off but I hurried past and locked my bedroom door behind me. I pulled my new clothing from the closet and resorted the piles. It's funny how quick I started to think of them as my clothing. I'd always wanted cute clothes and now I had them. I put on one of Lynn's floral print dresses that I'd always liked then looked at the locked door. 'What good was it to have nice things if you were a prisoner?' Of course I could have worn them outside but I couldn't bear the backlash. Even if people knew the truth of my hormone condition, the whispers would be deafening and there would always be stares. I bet that's why Sam#3 changed his name. That's how I started to think of them. Sam#1 and Sam#2 were my first two visitors who looked like the man my dad always said I would become. Sam#3 was my future due to the hormones I'd already received. Sam#3 probably waited until the changes had gone far enough to be mistaken for anything but a woman and changed his name. As I wondered how long that had taken I realized that he said that Sam#1 & Sam#2 also changed their name as well. I had to be missing something. Chapter 8 --------- After tossing and turning a few nights I finally got a good night's sleep and since I knew Mom and Dad were giving me space it was a surprise to hear a knock on the door about 9am. I ignored the first knock but the second sounded more insistent. I shouted, "It's unlocked." Lynn entered and gave my room a quick once over. "Where's the clothing I gave you?" "Hidden in the closet." Lynn laughed. "There's a joke in there somewhere but it's too easy." I threw a pillow at her in annoyance. "What do you want Lynn? I actually was sleeping pretty sound." She dodged the pillow with ease. "I just made some space in my closet. I thought you might want to join me while I shopped." I thought about it. Something didn't make sense. "Mom put you up to this didn't she?" Lynn smiled, "Not really but I might have borrowed her credit card. I overheard her telling dad last night that the doctor expects your breasts to grow in the next few weeks." "Great. Now I'm talking to my sister about my breasts." She was right though. The books said men on estrogen hormones could expect to be similar size to their closest relatives though the rate of growth varied greatly by the individual and was affected by age. I could be expect the process to be complete in about two years. It had been almost three months since Sam had given me the estrogen nanomachines so it was a bit surprising I wasn't showing already. Maybe I was a late bloomer in everything. "Can't I use one of your bra's?" Lynn started to laugh, "Are you kidding? It took me a long time to grow these. You'll need something a lot smaller." His sister arched her back making her C cups hard to miss. I shook my head. Yep. My sister is all class. Was the innocent pre- teen I'd known completely gone? I said, "Oh all right but you are buying them." ***** Our plan at the lingerie store was simple. I played the boyfriend who she forced to join her shopping. Everything went as planned until Lynn insisted I join her in the dressing room. When we got there she had a cloth tape measure in her hand. "Take your shirt off." I shook my head no. "I'm not getting naked in front of my sister." She shrugged as she exited and through the curtain I heard her voice. "Suit yourself. I need four measurements. Hips, waist, chest below your nipple and chest on the fullest part of your bust." "My bust? Really Lynn?" I only heard giggles in response. "You are enjoying this way too much." She barked an order, "Measure, measure!" Since I had little choice, I used the soft tape measure on the widest part of my hips, my waist, and my breast. Within a few minutes I dressed and told my sister it was ok to come back in. I gave her the numbers in rapid succession. "28 waist, 30 hip, 33 chest, 34 bust" Lynn put the information into her smart phone. "That makes your bra size a 33A. Hmm. No training bra for you." "That's not right. I have been working on the chest press for football." "Uh huh sure. And did you know your hip to waist ratio is closer to a woman's than a typical guy?" "Do you want me to start crying right here in the changing room Lynn?" "Blame the app. See! That's what it says." I didn't think she deserved an answer. As we agreed Lynn checked out while I waited outside with all the other guys that didn't want to be seen shopping with their girlfriends. Lynn grabbed my arm as she exited and practically skipped through the mall. She said, "Where to next honey?" "Goddamn it Lynn. You are enjoying this too much." "Sorry. You know how much I love to shop. I always wanted a little sister to corrupt." ***** We went directly to her room when we got home. Lynn didn't buy one bra like we'd agreed, she bought three. She didn't buy the plain flesh colored bra I picked out but instead bought something she liked better. "That was boring. These are much better." The bra's were covered in lace and silk and colored red, black and blue. "I'll never wear those. Especially that one." I pointed at the red bra. "Oh you never know. Boys love a little color." I shook my head in frustration. Lynn put her hands on her hips. "What? Are you going to tell that you aren't into guys?" I couldn't believe what I'd just heard. "What??? Me ... No." Lynn smiled. "I know you. It's cool. I have lots of gay friends." "I'm not gay!" At least that's what Sam said. "Whatever. Put on the black one." I shook my head. "Come on. If you put it on I will take you out to meet my friends. I know this cute guy that I think would be perfect for you." Something was up. "What is going on Lynn? We haven't been close in years and all of a sudden we are buddies?" Lynn didn't say anything for a while and the smile disappeared from her face. "Do you know how much I hated you growing up? James did this. James did that. Even when I was away at school all Mom and Dad could talk about was you. They never really liked me." "That's not true." Deep down I knew my sister had a point. "I've kind of been a bitch to you the last few years and I admit I thought it was funny when I first heard about your gynecomastia. That's what it is call by the way. I looked it up. Anyway my first thought was to give you some of the clothing you'd been borrowing from me and just wait since it would only be a matter of time before Mom found them in your room. I couldn't wait to hear the explosion." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did my sister hate me that much? "Why are you telling me this?" "I heard Mom and Dad talking last night and realized just how poorly they are dealing with this. Mom's constantly in tears and if you haven't noticed I think her shrink has given her enough tranquilizers to kill a small farm animal. Dad on the other hand is acting like nothing has changed. If the doctors don't get this under control it is going to get bad for you. Really bad. When I heard you quit the football team I realized how much of a bitch I was being and thought you might need a friend." "Just like that?" "Just like that. I'm really sorry." My sister put her arms around me and squeezed me tight. I couldn't remember the last time we had hugged and really meant it. Maybe when I was 12? Once again my waterworks opened and the tears flowed down my face and pooled on her shoulder so I pulled away. "I'm sorry. These fucking hormones are playing havoc with my emotions." Lynn dapped at her own eyes, "It's ok. Will you try on the black one? For me? It's really cute." "Oh fuck you sis. All right." ***** I couldn't believe I was letting her do this. I was sitting in front of my sister's dressing mirror in the silky black panties and bra she had just bought with mom's credit card while she gave me tips on how to put on makeup. "I don't want to do this Lynn!" "Yes you do." "But I don't look like a girl!" "I'm sure you think that but the hormones have already made quite an effect on your appearance. No one has noticed yet because they see you every day. I thought you looked different when I came home from school but I couldn't figure it out. I know why now." Lynn used her smart phone to take my picture and put it up her laptop. "This is you now." She hit a button. "This is the selfie I took of us at Christmas." She hit a button to flip back several times. "Now, then, now, then..." "I get it Lynn!" She was right. It was hard to explain but looked like slight changes in the fat deposits on my face made it rounder. More feminine. Goddamn it! "Women's skin has a different texture than a man's and it's estrogen that gives it that look." My sister hadn't ever been much of a studier even in her honor roll days. "Are you believing everything you read on the internet again?" Lynn shook her head. "Mock me if you must but it's only another month until schools starts and it's a lot worse now than it was when I got home. People are going to notice something as soon as they see you." "What do you want me to do about it Lynn?!?!" She screamed back, "I don't know but if you are going to look like a girl I thought you might like to know how to really put on makeup. Please? For me?" Of course I had messed with makeup many times when she wasn't around but that was different. No one was around. Wearing women's clothing and makeup made me feel good. That didn't mean I wanted my sister to instruct me but she had a point. I didn't want to think about school and what would happen then. The kids there were unmerciful to anyone that was different in the least. "I don't know Lynn. It makes me feel weird to have you here, judging me." "I'm not judging and anyway you are going to need to get some thicker skin. People are going to notice. You need to figure out how you are going to react to it. Don't you think I hear comments all the time about the way I dress?" "Like a slut?" "See who's judging now?" I nodded. "I'm sorry. You have a point." "And for the record I'm not a slut. I just like the way dressing the way I do because I've met some really great people and being with them makes me feel better. I can't explain it." I guess I wasn't the only one in the family that couldn't explain my actions. Lynn asked, "So can I do it?" I nodded. Lynn smiled and got right to work. She started with foundation and spread it all over my face. I started to say something but Lynn spoke first. "Most girls use a lot more foundation that you'd believe. After a year in the girl's dorms I've realized that even the hottest girls skin can look bad in the morning until they've put on their foundation. It evens everything out and prepares your face for everything else." Next came a light pink blush that she dabbed on my cheeks. "This brightens your face and helps give a more innocent look." "You don't use this." "It suits you better." She followed that with a pale colored concealer she put on under my eyes. As she blended it in she explained, "You're looking a little tired. This will cover the dark circles and give you a more wide awake look that will allow you eyes to pop." "You want my eyes to pop?" "All girls want their eyes to pop. It's an expression dummy but make up is mostly about getting guys to look at your eyes because most of them tend to look a lot lower." I laughed. I had to admit I was enjoying this and especially because it felt like I had my old sister back. Next came the eyeliner which she put on with a surprising light touch as opposed to the thick lines she normally wore. "Is that enough?" "It works on you." She put on a moderate about of brownish gold eyeshadow on my lids that she said would suit my hair. "My hair? My hair didn't look anything like a girl's hair." "I think you'd be surprised if you let it grow out. You hair feels really soft and I think it would be cute long but I wasn't talking about your hair." She pointed to the wig stands next to her dressing table. "Oh no." She smiled. "Oh yes. You gotta let me." I asked, "Why am I letting you do this to me?" "Because deep down you know you want it." Deep down I knew she was right. I'd always struggled to put on mascara as it always clumped together and I had trouble keeping it only on my eyelashes. Lynn's experienced hand lifted and pulled my lashes until they stood in stark contrast to the lids of my eyes. Lynn said, "I've always wondered how that would look." "What do you mean?" "You've always had such nice long eyelashes." "You do to but you use those huge false lashes?" "I just like them. They're fun." "Fun and slutty looking." Lynn punched me in the arm. "Ouch!" "Just remember your current look is in my hands." I raised my hands in surrender. When everything had dried Lynn put on the wig. I tried to look at the result in the mirror but she wouldn't let me. The finishing touch was the lipstick. I'd always loved the milky smooth feeling of lipstick on my lips. I'd even started wearing a color similar to my own lip color when I thought no one would notice. The color she chose was a deep red and after a few minutes she turned the chair so I could get a look. The image looking back scared me in many ways. "I don't like it. It's too much." "That's because you are looking at your self as a man through the prejudice of a man's eyes. If I showed you a picture of a girl that looked like this you'd think she was hot. Smoky eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipstick on a guy is weird to most people. Put the same thing on a woman and the world bows at her feet." "You really think I look good like this?" My sister laughed. "Well I'm not in to judging familial relations but I think you'll pass." "Pass where?" "Pass with my friends. We're going out and they don't judge." I shook my head. "No way." Like everything else that happened that day, Lynn didn't accept no for an answer. ***** It was dark when we snuck out the back door though it didn't matter. Lynn said Mom and Dad had told her they had dinner plans and wouldn't be back until late. The party she took me too was actually a bar. "I'm only 15, Lynn." "You are almost 16 and I started coming down here when I was younger than you. I know the guy that runs the place. He's cool." Lynn was dressed in her typical black outfit, with too much makeup and a long black wig. She took me to one of the rooms in the back. One of the guys asked, "Hey Lynn, who's the chick?" She smiled at me and I nodded. "It's my sister." What's her name?" I interrupted before Lynn had a chance to speak. "Samantha but everyone calls me Sam." ***** I can't reliably explain much of what happened that night as the memories got blurry soon after I arrived. It wasn't surprising considering the hormones racing through my system, the fact I only weighed 110 lbs, or that I'd never drank much in my life. I don't remember much after the second fruit flavored drink though Lynn later claimed that I spent half the night making out with a guy in the corner. I don't remember much. What I will never forget is Mom and Dad's reaction when we got home. They met us at the back door when we tried to sneak in a little after 3am. "Where have you...." That's when Dad noticed my outfit. I can't actually put into words the face I saw but it kind of turned a purplish/red color as his mouth twisted into an angry snarl. I took a step back as he turned to face me. "What the fuck are you wearing!" I shrugged as I tried to sober up. Lynn said, "It was my idea." "Who the fuck gave you the right..." I said, "It'sh sh'ok dad. Lynn hash been gwrait today." "Have you been drinking?" I nodded. "To your rooms. Both of you. Now." I was glad to be going to my room as I was really tired. I remember hearing screaming coming from Lynn's room as I fell asleep. ***** When I got up the next morning I saw three large men on the sidewalk carrying things to a nearby van. It was Lynn's stuff. I was still wearing the small bra and panties she had bought for me and despite the situation I couldn't help but laugh when I saw myself in the mirror. The remains of the makeup created an uneven look across my face which made the whole situation seem unreal. I thought I looked ridiculous but Lynn never laughed once I agreed to dress up for her. At least not much. I put on a t-shirt and threw on a pair of jeans and rushed to her room. I didn't see Lynn but Dad was there taking apart her dressing table. "Go wash your damned face." I turned around and ran to my bathroom and scrubbed like he'd ordered. The hired men took most of the morning to move Lynn's stuff to her friend's apartment. When I asked dad a question his only response was to remind me that I was grounded for the foreseeable future. Chapter 9 --------- It took forever for Saturday to come as Mom and Dad still hadn't decided how to deal with me. Their only solution so far was to say I needed to stay in my room. I was good with that as it allowed me to practice my makeup skills like Lynn had instructed. I even tried her look a few times. 'Like a slut.' Tears mixed with the eyeliner as I thought of her and burnt my eyes so I removed it all and took another shower. ***** I watched the clock as it slowly crept forward and at 8 o'clock I saw the flash in my closet. I waited in the middle of the room wearing the cutest dress that Lynn had given me along with her wig that dad didn't realized I kept. My makeup wasn't anything close to what Lynn had done but it was better than I'd done in the past. Under it all were the bra and panties that covered my slow developing body. A more mature version of me stared back from the closet door. I could see Sam was having trouble speaking when he saw my outfit. I spoke first and tried to make a joke. "How was YOUR week?" Sam grinned, "Not as tough as yours as I recall." I can't explain what I felt at that exact moment but it was nice to talk to someone that understood what I was going through. Sam was at least ten years older and had already gone through all the same things I had that week. "You remember?" "How could I forget?" There was one big difference. No one came back in his world. He had to face it alone. I said, "I think I have it all figured out but I have a few questions." "I'm sure you do. Let's sit on the bed and I will explain." ***** Sam took a deep breath then started his story, "Let's assume there's a small company in California that's been working on things like wormholes along with other advanced technologies and has been for many years. You won't find them listed on Wall Street or ever see any minutes from their board meetings. It's fully funded by an off-book government organization and the only way you will hear about them is if they contact you. In twelve years one of their teams makes a breakthrough led by a guy we've both met in this very room." "Sam#1." Sam laughed. "So you do understand a bit. Am I Sam #2 in your mind?" "Sam#3. Sam#2 gave me estrogen." Sam said, "That's not quite right but it's close." "I don't understand." Sam said, "You will. Can I continue or do you have a question?" I motioned for him to continue. Sam said, "The project where he was assigned was looking for a way to allow fast space travel to other galaxies. The lead scientists didn't understand the technology as the results didn't match up to their expectations and the whole thing shut down. It was Sam#1 that made the connection that the the wormhole device could also work in the 4th dimension, time. He worked after hours to modify the device so it used a relative fixed point in the first 3 dimensions to allow travel in the 4th and the result was a stable portal for a short period of time. I shook my head. "My head is spinning. That made no sense." Sam smiled, "The details aren't important but it may make sense to you someday. While he worked on the project some old demons got stronger than ever. When he made the first breakthrough he thought maybe the future might hold the answer to his issues. He built a prototype machine in the house he bought from his parents." "Was he crossdressing like me?" "It was more than that. You, me and Sam#1 all have a female brain and by that I mean we have a feminine gender ID. We all fought it. Sam#1 fought the longest which I think only made his desperation for change that much greater. After he made his discovery he went to a future where changing your gender is much easier and more complete. The problem was when he tried it on himself he wasn't happy with the result as he felt his neural pathways too corrupted after living 30 years in a man's body. He reverted the process and started over." "Why would he do that?" "It dawned on Sam#1 that he had a time machine that could easily connect to his closet when he was a kid. He knew there were risks so as a scientist he decided to do this is a most clinical manner possible. Everything was checked and a project plan developed. When everything was ready, he picked a night he knew we'd be in our room. It had to be early enough that we hadn't started our growth spurt but late enough that we had started to question our sexuality. He figured the night of the Spring Dance in our sophomore year was perfect." I thought back to that night. It seemed ages ago but it had only been about four months. "After we took the first potion he returned a few weeks later once the testosterone blocker had done it's job. In actuality he only waited an hour on his side but that's where his records stop. Do you remember the first visit?" I nodded. "Yes." "And do you remember the second?" I nodded again. "Yes. It wasn't that long ago." "Do you remember a change in his appearance between the two visits?" "Not really." "It took a while for me to figure out but using your terminology Sam#1 lived in Universe#1. My theory is his first visit was a test to see what would happen if he made a small change to the past. In universe#1, testosterone levels dipped for about a month then returned to normal. That meant no permanent change happened and the universe returned to its baseline. When he gave us the estrogen enhancers...." I knew the answer to this one. After all the results sat on the bed beside me. "We were changed forever! What happened to him?" "I d