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CHAPTER 5: LIKE MOTHER LIKE SISTER I wish I could say that I woke up fresh and ready to start my new life as an old woman, but it wasn't like that. The last thing on my mind from the night before was the first thing on my mind when as I woke up. What had I done to myself and why had I done it? I sat up in bed and and felt my sagging breasts with my hands. They were heavy with the weight of silicone. So real, I thought as I released them to have a cigarette. Girly cigarettes, I thought as I pulled the slim white Virginia Slim from my leather cigarette case with my long painted nails. I placed the cigarette in the middle of my lips and clenched the filter with my teeth, the way my mother does and anticipated the feel of morning mentholated smoke in my lungs. The craving for nicotine had become a familiar feeling in the morning. What do I look like, I wondered? I got out of bed and stared and walked over to my full length mirror and stood in front of it. The first thing I noticed...was everything! Logically speaking, I knew what to expect. I had just had surgery to become an older woman, so it wasn't like I had amnesia or a loss of memory. But I was still a 17 year old boy in my mind. Emotionally speaking, I had expected to see a short haired 17 year old ripped body with a dick swinging proudly between my legs. The creature staring back at me from the mirror was a naked and tired looking old woman with messed up bed head hair and a cigarette dangling from her lips. There were bags under my eyes and loose skin hung to my arms. The nipples on my breasts were only several inches above my stomach. My stomach! I used to have washboard abs! But not any more. It was loose with a fold of skin that almost concealed my belly button. My eyes traveled down the mirror and rested on my groin. A triangular patch of gray hair mocked me. There's a pussy beneath that hair, I thought as I turned to get a look at my ass. My bubble butt was covered with crumpled skin with the texture of cottage cheese. "Oh my God!" I said out loud. "Look at me. I'm a woman!" I took a deep breath and sighed as I wiped the sleep out of my eyes with my fingers. I need coffee, I thought. I laid my cigarette in an ashtray and picked up the nightgown I had thrown to the floor the night before and put it back on. I remembered the big day I had in front of me as I brushed my hair to make it more presentable. I saw a hot shower and a make-up session in front of mirror in my future. The thought of seeing Margie and Susan as a woman in my new older female body brought a smile to my lips. The dread began to slip out of my body and I puffed my cigarette in front of the mirror as I imagined our reunion. One of the girls, I thought as I unlocked my bedroom door and walked out into the hallway with cigarettes in hand. The smell of coffee lingered in the air and I followed it down stairs to the kitchen. That old excited feeling raced back into my body as I anticipated facing my mother as an older woman and smoking in front of her as an equal. If I had still had my dick, it would have been stiff and 12 inches long as I suddenly felt myself being turned on. Down the stairs I went. The happiness built inside me with each step I took. I really am an older woman now, I thought. And I can do anything an older woman can do, because I am one! I drink! I smoke! I wear a bra now! I wear granny panties! And I can do these things every day for the rest of my life! Its difficult to explain, but a good and positive change was sweeping over me, the closer I got to my mother. I had wanted to be just like her for as long as I could remember...and that day had finally come. So why was I so torn and tormented by it? Being a boy had been fun and I had certainly been good at it, but it had also put strains and limitations on me. I lifted the leather cigarette case to my face and kissed it. I was an addicted smoker now, just like my mom! Hadn't I wanted that all my life? Technically speaking, I knew I could have smoked as a boy or a man, but the thought of doing so made me sick and ashamed. Women who smoked were strong and powerful. Men who smoked were weak. I wondered if Mr. Edwards was still smoking behind his children's backs? I hope he is, I thought. The idea of being stronger than Mr. Edwards appealed to me- being able to do something as a woman that he couldn't do as a man. He would look up to me the way my father and I looked up to my mother. I imagined myself grinning in his bedroom as he lit up a cigarette behind closed doors, safe from the prying eyes of his children. I thought about my upcoming date with Mr. Edwards. Was I looking forward to it or was I scared? Maybe a little of both, I thought. I laughed at the idea of losing my virginity for the second time in my life. If anyone was going to pop my cherry, it would be Mr. Edwards. And will I suck his cock tonight, I wondered? Why wouldn't I? I'm a mature older woman now and Mr. Edwards is my man! There's nothing wrong with it now. As a matter of fact, its almost expected of me. I swooned at the thought and almost lost my balance as I imagined what it would be like to suck Mr. Edwards cock and have him cum in my mouth. Gross, I thought. But I have to do it...and maybe if I'm lucky, I'll even learn to like it...at least just a little. Am I really going to be a cock sucker? "I was wondering when you were going to get up. Did you sleep well?" I looked up to see my mother sitting at the kitchen table, a cup of coffee and an ashtray in front of her. "No. Not really," I said as I poured myself a cup of coffee. "I guess all the excitement of everything that's happened kind of got to me." "I suppose that's to be expected," she said as she picked up her cigarette case and removed a Marlboro Light. "You've been through so much and it happened so fast. What were you thinking about? Are you having second thoughts? Not that you can do anything about it now," she said as she lit her cigarette. "Its kind of late for that." "Tell me about it," I said as I pulled a Virginia Slim from my case. "But its not like you're thinking. I mean it was, but its not like that anymore." "You mean for the moment," Mom said as she exhaled. "This isn't the first time I've heard you say this. One minute you're upset because you're not a boy and then the wind changes direction and you're glad you're a woman. So which one is it today?" "At first it was a little of both," I said as I lit my cigarette, "but then I got to really thinking about it this morning,,,and well lets just say there's no way I can ever thank you enough for what you've done for me." Mom laughed and asked, "Done to you or done for you?" I reached across the table and took her hand in mine. "You gave me the life I always dreamed of but never thought I could have. You made a woman out of me, Mom. And for that I will always be grateful." "What about on your bad days?" she asked. "You won't be thanking me then. You'll be cursing me!" "I've already had the bad days and I'm pretty sure I'll have them again and again, but I'm also pretty sure I'll have a lot of good days too." I held up my burning cigarette for her see. "Look at this, Mom," I said as I placed it between my lips and puffed furiously on it. "I'm really smoking! I'm smoking like you and its totally fantastic!" Mom groaned and followed it up with a smile. "You wanted to start so badly," she said. "How could I say no? And I have to admit that being a smoker has given you a boat load full of confidence." "It makes me feel so feminine and powerful," I said. "I know that probably sounds weird to you, and its hard to explain, but that's the way I feel." "You keep saying I don't know how you feel about smoking, but I do, Honey! I know its hard to believe, but I was a little girl once, and I wanted to be like my mom too!" "Yeah, I guess you're right," I said as I trimmed the ash from my cigarette against the rim of the ashtray. "Of course I am," Mom said convincingly. "And while we're on the subject of you smoking, there's something I've been thinking about that I want to run past you." "Oh yeah, what's that?" I asked, thinking she was about to start a campaign to make me cut back on my three pack a day habit. "Just a second," she said as she got up from the table and waked across the kitchen and pulled out a drawer from the cabinets. "I bought this in Mexico while you were in the hospital." "Bought what?" I asked. "Its a cigarette case for 120's," she said as she presented me with the most beautiful brown leather case I'd ever seen. "I put a pack of More 120 Menthols inside." "More 120s?" I asked. "LIke Margie's?" Mom smiled and said, "Now that you're an older woman, I figured its about time you started smoking like one. So what do you think now, about me understanding how you feel?" "Oh my God, Mom!" I said as I stood up from the table and hugged her. "You really do understand!" "Of course I do, Honey. Go ahead and have one," she said. "I want to see if it fits you the way I think it will." "They're so elegant," I said as I pulled a skinny brown cigarette from the case and held it up for observation. "I think Ken is really going to like you when he sees you smoke those," Mom said. "Do you really think so?" "From what you said about him and from what I saw at the bar that night, the poor man has a serious smoking fetish. He'll be like putty in your hands when sees you take that case out of your purse!" I told her that I hoped she was right, as I placed the brown filter between my lips and clenched it with my teeth the way I'd seen my mom and her friends do. I felt empowered, mature, and oh so feminine! "You look as if you've been smoking for years!" Mom said as I exhaled through my nose and inserted the lighter back in the pouch. I sighed and asked her if she really meant it or was she just saying it to make me feel good? "I'm trying so hard to act and talk like an older woman." "Try not to worry about it so much," Mom said. "You're doing great and if I didn't know any better, I'd say that being an older woman comes natural to you." "But that's the thing," I said as I posed with my cigarette. "None of this comes natural to me. Everything I'm doing, I've learned from copying you." "And you've been a phenomenal student. And the reason you've been so phenomenal, is because you want this so much." I told her she was right. "I want this with all my heart," I said. "It means everything to me to be like you." Mom reached out with a hand and straightened my gown so that it showed a little more cleavage. "And it means everything to me to hear you say that, Sweetheart. There's never been a day when I wasn't proud of you as my son, but I've never been as proud of you as I am right now. I'm absolutely thrilled that you want to be a woman and that you followed your heart. I took a puff from my skinny brown cigarette and said, "Its funny, but right now, this very moment...its what I always imagined wanting to happen when I was a little boy." "Oh yeah? And what did you imagine?" "That one day, I'd be sitting in front of you wearing this nightgown and we'd be smoking together, and you wouldn't look at me like you were disgusted. You'd be looking at me like you were really okay with what I was doing, because you approved." "I do approve," Mom said. "To me, you're just one of the girls now. And speaking of the girls, we both have to get ready because we're meeting Margie and Susan. You didn't forget. Did you? ***************** Margie opened the door and greeted us with warm hugs. I wanted to tell her right then and there that I was a More Menthol 120 smoker like her, but of course I didn't. She'd see for herself as soon as I removed the super long cigarette case from my purse. Once inside the door, I felt Susan's breasts mash up against mine in a sisterly hug. Both women were telling me how fantastic I looked and how worried they had been about me. I think Susan would have ripped my clothes off and given me an examination in the foyer if Margie hadn't taken my hand and led me to the kitchen. "You still drink coffee, right?" she asked. The kitchen was already thick with cigarette smoke and it would only get worse now that Mom and I had joined the party. Everyone wanted to talk about my surgery! Would they notice I had started smoking More 120s? I answered their questions in rapid fashion as I pulled the long leather cigarette case from my purse. Margie didn't disappoint me. "Is that a new cigarette case?" she asked. "It is," I said proudly. "A new cigarette case for my new brand of cigarettes." I asked her if they looked familiar as I pulled out a skinny brown cigarette. "Nancy! You're smoking More 120s like me!" Margie said. "Yes!" I squealed. Mom joyfully explained that since I now looked like an older woman, it was time that I started smoking like one. "No offense, Margie." she said. "None taken," Margie said as she lit one of her own brown Mores. "So do you like them?" she asked. "They're totally awesome!" I said with teenage enthusiasm. "The menthol is so strong and fresh!" Susan shook her head in disgust and exhaled. "I hope you don't talk like that in front of Ken today." "I'm sure she won't," my mother said. "Nancy has too much riding on this date! Unless she chickens out, Ken is going to make a real woman out of her!" I blushed at the thought of Mr. Edwards fucking my new gray haired pussy. "Are you excited about your date today?" Margie asked. Smoke poured out of my mouth and nostrils as I answered her. "Excited and scared," I said. "You know," Susan said with her cigarette propped beside her cheek, "going all the way with a man is a lot different than just giving him a hand job. You got your work cut out for you tonight, Sweetie." "If you're scared, maybe we should talk about it." Margie said. I told Margie that I didn't know where to start. "Its just so overwhelming." Susan asked if it was the gay thing again? "If so, I feel for you," she said. "I couldn't imagine switching teams, even if I had a set of balls and a dick swinging from my crotch." "Well thats the thing about imagining," I said. "I have imagined it and its good and its even romantic. But this aint imagination any more. Its for real and Mr. Edwards has a real dick, and let me tell you about it. I touched and its bigger than mine was." My mom said that having a big dick was a good thing and Margie and Susan agreed with her. Susan wanted to know if I'd ever used a dildo in my vagina. "As a matter of fact, I have and it was kind of nice. Actually. It was very nice," I said. "Well a man's penis feels twice as good as dildo," Susan said. "And if Ken's is as big as you say it is, then its going to feel 5 times as good!" "Susan is right," Margie said. "You're going to love have sex with a man as a woman. Just stop thinking of yourself as a boy. Yes, you were once a boy and I realize that wasn't so long ago, but that was your past. All that matters now is who you are now, and I'm telling you Nancy, for better or worse, love it or hate it, you're a woman now and there's no going back." "I hear you Margie, and you're right about me being a woman now and it never changing. For better or worse, I'm stuck like this, and I know I have to make the best of it." "Stuck?" Susan said. "Is that how you feel?" "I do feel stuck, but in a good way," I said. "All I've ever wanted is to be like my mom and smoke like her. The other thing I'll add is that I've always wanted to be one of the girls with you and Margie. The stuck part is good because I can't change and I don't want to change and no one can ever change me back. I love being stuck. I love that I don't have a choice about it any more. Every morning when I wake up, I have to wear a bra and put on make-up and smoke cigarettes. And that's the biggest thrill in the world." "Nancy seems to think she can be happy for the rest of her life just by wearing women's clothes and smoking cigarettes," Mom offered. "She's not convinced she needs a man in her life." I was stunned at my mother's words because I thought she had just ratted out my smoking fetish to other ladies. "Gee, thanks for sharing, Mom!" "Its okay," she said. "Margie and Susan figured out your little fetish for themselves and we talked about it while you were in a coma. Don't be embarrassed, Honey." Margie reached out and touched my hand. "You're just scared, Sweetie. Of course you need a man in your life. We all do. We're women." "Ken has a smoking fetish, doesn't he?" Susan asked. I told her he had a big one, and all three women murmured their approval. "It sounds to me like you can have your cake and eat it too," Mom said. Margie chimed in, "Most definitely," she said. "There's nothing like sharing a cigarette after sex," Susan said. "Especially when the man lights it for you," Mom added. "Of course, we all know that smoking during sex is even better!" "Bill lets you smoke while the two of you have sex?" Susan asked. Mom giggled. "I think he enjoys it as much as I do!" "But aren't you afraid that Dad will get burned?" I asked. The three women laughed at my question causing me to blush. "There's more to sex than the missionary position, you know," Susan said. Of course I had seen porn on the web. I'd seen men and and women having sex in positions I would never be able to duplicate in a hundred years of trying, nor would I want to. There was nothing romantic about the unnatural sex I had witnessed on my computer. But here was my mom saying that she had sex with my dad while she smoked and it wasn't in the missionary position. "How so?" I asked. "Its simple, Sweetie, we lay on our sides and your father enters me from behind," Mom said. "Like doggy style?" I asked. "Yes, but on the side," Mom said. I tried to picture it in my mind and I'm sure both my confusion and interest showed. It was Margie, who told me not to worry too hard about it. "The important thing to remember that as a woman, its your job to help your man get his penis inside of you." "What?" Susan shook her head in disgust. "You need to guide him home, Honey. Men can't see where they're sticking their thing. You just take it in your hand, maybe reach behind, and guide his penis into your vagina." I suddenly felt very inadequate because my male arrogance had led me to believe I knew everything there was to know about having sex with a woman. Of course, Mr. Edwards was older and more experienced than me. But I couldn't let him take the lead. In his mind, I'm a 47 year old adult woman. I crushed out my cigarette and nervously lit another. Susan continued, "Of course when Ken gets an eyeful of you smoking those More 120s, its going to be lights out. I hate to say this, Nancy, because I really wish you hadn't of taken up smoking and feeding your ego about when it comes to your own smoking fetish won't make you cut back on your habit, but those More 120s make you look so elegant and sexy." I blushed at the thought of Mr. Edwards thinking I looked elegant with my slim brown cigarettes. Susan picked up on my feelings and went in for the kill. "You think its fun smoking in front of us girls, but wait until a real man like Ken pays attention to your smoking. You're going to love it!" I thought about my past experiences with men lighting my cigarettes for me and said, "I do love it when a man lights my cigarettes for me. It makes me feel special." "Of course it makes you feel special," Susan said. "When a man lights a woman's cigarette for her, it puts him in the role of a submissive and her in the role of a dominant." The look on my face must have given away my confusion because Margie felt the need to clarify Susan's words. "She's not talking about S&M or whips and chains. She's just saying that men are showing their respect for women when they light their cigarettes and it kind of puts the woman on top, as if she's in charge." "Women should always be in charge of men," Susan said. "And if you haven't learned that by now, then you better make an effort, starting tonight!" I asked if that meant I should be bossy. "Not at all," Mom said. "Women are never bossy, but they always get what they want by acting feminine and seductive." "Authoritative doesn't hurt either," Susan said. "I feel powerful and authoritative when I smoke," I said. "Except for when I'm nervous and then I just smoke because it relaxes me." "Watch me," Susan said as she pulled a slim white Virginia Slim from her cigarette case and made it dance between her fingers before placing it between her lips and clenching it with her teeth. "Chin up, boobs out, and don't forget to make a clever expression while you light your cigarette. Try to look like you know something that no one else knows. Like this!" I watched in amazement as Susan went though the motions of "Smoking like a woman" in front of me. "That's amazing," I said. "I think I get what you're saying." "If you're going to take the trouble to smoke, then you might as well make it work for you," Susan said as she blew a cone shaped cloud of confidence toward the ceiling. "I can't tell you how much it means to me to hear the three of you talking like this. I thought I was the only one who feels like smoking is sexy." "Not at all," Susan said. "I think we all felt it was sexy when we were younger, which is why we started, but now that the pack years have taken their toll on our lungs, we're a little more jaded, at least I am." I tapped an ash from my cigarette and nodded my head. "This is kind of weird for me right now," I said. "Why do you say its weird?" Margie asked? "Its weird because I don't have anything to hide behind any more. I think you all know everything about me; why I smoke and why I want to be a woman- an older woman. Everything is kind of out in the open...isn't it?" "You're one of the girls now," Susan said. "Of course everything is out in the open and on the table. We're here to help each other, and right now, we're here to help you." "That's good," I said nervously, "because I need a lot of help. I'm so afraid about seeing Mr. Edwards and his kids tonight." "What are you afraid of the most?" Margie asked. "Going to bed with Ken or seeing his children?" "Both," I said. "And I don't know where to start. Its just that everything is happening so fast. Its like I've been asleep for three months in the hospital and when I wake up, I'm this older woman and I've got this instant family. I mean, I like Mr. Edwards and his kids and everything, but its like I hardly know him." "You have been asleep for three months," Mom said, "but Ken and his kids haven't. They've had three months to miss you and think about you. They're ready to move on to the next step." "But I don't know if I'm ready, Mom!" "I thought you wanted to be a housewife and a mother," Mom said. "I do...or at least I think I do. But that was in my dreams and this is real life and there are real people involved. Mr. Edwards and his kids are real people with real feelings and needs and stuff like that. And I'm just a boy! I mean how right is it for me to even do this to them. What would they think if they found out the truth." "Well for starters," Susan said as she lit up another cigarette, "they're never going to find out unless you tell them. Look at you! You're an old woman now and you have the driver's license and the birth certificate to prove it." "But it still isn't right, you know...ethical," I said. "Its not like I'm even 18. Mr. Edwards would lose his job if anyone ever found out. And then there's just the mental thing. I mean I'm a boy and I think its weird to be thinking about having sex with another guy. How's he going to feel if he finds out I'm really a boy?" "You're right," Susan said. "I'm sure all kinds of terrible things would happen if the truth ever comes out, but that's not going to happen unless you make it happen...and you're not. Are you?" "No, I guess not." "Then think of the Stainless Steel Rule," Susan said. "Don't you mean the Golden Rule?" I asked. "No," Susan said. "The Stainless Steel Rule states that whatever someone doesn't know...it won't hurt them. Just don't tell him the truth and everything will be fine." "Okay, so lets say I keep my mouth shut. What kind of wife and mother can I really be? I'm only 17!" "You can be the best mother and wife in the world, if you can allow yourself to be free to enjoy it," Mom said. "And the keyword is "Enjoy". Mother's and wives aren't born pre-programmed. If they're good at what they do, then its only because they want to do it and they enjoy it." "Just use the common sense you were born with," Susan said. "If the kids are feeling hungry- then feed them. If a kid gets a boo-boo, then put a bandaid on it. If the kids break the rules you make, then punish them for it." "And if you're husband is feeling frisky," Margie said, "then satisfy his friskiness!" "Its not rocket science, Honey," Mom said. "Just do what you've seen me do. And just do what your heart tells you. And just as important as that, do what your husband expects you to do." "But what if I make a mistake?" I asked. "Then you make a mistake," Mom said, "and you live to fight another day. The world isn't going to end if you make a mistake, and believe me, Honey. You're going to make some mistakes. We all have." Margie and Susan nodded their heads in agreement. "What if I don't like being a wife and a mother?" I asked. "You'll love it," Mom said. "How could you not love it? As a wife and a mother you'll be able to dress like a woman, and act like a woman, and smoke like a woman 24 hours a day- 7 days a week and 365 days a year...for the rest of your life! Isn't that what you've always wanted?" I sighed because my mother had summed up my entire all the goals of my life into a single sentence. But she was right. "It is," I said. "That's exactly what I've always wanted." "Then what are you waiting for?" Mom asked. "Lets go home so that you can get ready!" ****** I was in the kitchen with my parents. I had about an hour to kill before I needed to leave for Mr. Edwards' house. I had changed clothes and had packed an overnight bag. Mom joined Dad and I at the table after bringing us a cup of coffee. He asked how I was feeling and if I was ready to see Ken and his kids. I used the word "nervous" in one of my sentences for about the 20th time that day. "And this, sitting here with you and Mom. Its so weird...like I'm getting ready to go to my first spend the night, like when I was a kid." "Well technically speaking, it is your first spend the night as a grown woman," Dad said. I laughed as I took a slender brown cigarette from my case and held it to my lips for him to light. "I guess you're right," I said. Dad blushed as he lit my cigarette for me. I exhaled past his face and asked, "So what do you think about the More 120s, Dad?" His face turned another shade of red as he stuttered his approval. "I think those skinny brown cigarettes compete her look," Mom said. "And I just know Ken is going to go Gaga over them!" "I think you're mother is right," Dad said. "You do look nice when you smoke them. Do you like the way they taste?" "Scrumptious!" I said with air of mock feminine enthusiasm. I turned to Mom and asked if she minded giving Dad and I some private time." She stood up from the table in a huff and I had obviously hurt her feelings. "The time for man talked has kind of passed, don't you think?" she asked as she walked out of the kitchen. "I'll be out on the patio if you need me." We both sat there quietly until the door closed behind her. "So tell me, Dad, and be honest with me," I said. "Do you feel a little weird about me spending the night with Mr. Edwards, in his bed?" Dad bit his lip and slowly nodded his head. "To tell you the truth, I'm very conflicted about your date tonight. There's a part of me that wants to kill your Mr. Edwards," he said, "because he's a grown man and you're really a 17 year old boy! I know that must seem strange after all you've been through. Its strange to me, because I'm looking at you now and I don't see my son any more, but I know you're in there." "I am in here, Dad, and I feel the same way you do!" "You know I wouldn't blame you if you called off your date," he said. "I can't do that, Dad. I think you and I both know this is something I have to do." "Maybe it will be okay," Dad offered. "Maybe you'll enjoy having sex with an older man. At least you're built for it now." I exhaled a puff of smoke and massaged one of my mellon sized boobs. "Mr. Edwards is going to want to suck on these, isn't he?" "Of course he is, Honey. He's going to want to do a lot of seemingly crude things to your body. He's going to want to do the kinds of things to you that you used to do with girls when you were dating them." "I know, Dad. And that's what I'm afraid of." Dad laughed nervously and said, "I guess this gives a little extra umph to the saying about 'what goes around comes around'." "Maybe," I said. "But I don't think this is bad karma. "Its more like getting what I wished for and then being afraid to have it. Did you ever wonder what it was like to suck another man's cock or have him stick it up your ass, Dad?" "No son, I can't say I ever had those thoughts. All I ever wanted to do, was to dress up like a girl and smoke like a woman. I've always been straight." "Well, I'm straight too, but I have thought about it while I was dressed up in Mom's clothes." "So...did you enjoy those thoughts?" Dad asked. I blushed as I nodded my head. "As a matter of fact, I did enjoy those thoughts. Its funny though, because at the time...well, I never thought I'd have a real pussy, so I imagined the man fucking me in the ass." Dad laughed and said, "Well now you can get it from both sides, Honey. I'm sure Mr. Edwards won't have any trouble fucking you in the ass if that's what you want. You know men. We just want to cum and don't care how we do it." And then the amused expression on his face grew more serious. "Can I ask you a personal question, Sweetie?" "Why not?" I asked as I crushed out my spent cigarette and removed another from my case for him to light. Dad lit my cigarette and I asked, "Are you going to make Ken wear a condom tonight?" "I don't know. Do you think I should? I mean the way things are now, I'm probably going to marry him. Wouldn't that be a little weird if I asked him to wear a condom?" "I suppose it would be a bit of a turn-off to him, so if you think you can really trust him, then I don't see a reason why you should make him wear one. And that leads me to another question. You'll probably suck Ken's dick tonight, right?" "Well yeah, I guess. I was kind of planning on it. Why? You don't think that's a good idea?" "Oh no! Its nothing like that. You're a woman and Ken is your boyfriend. Its only normal and natural that you should suck his cock. I was just wondering what you're going to do when he cums in your mouth? Are you planning on swallowing his sperm, or do you think you'll spit it out?" "A real woman would swallow. Wouldn't she?" I asked. "What about Mom? What does she do?" "Your mother always swallows," Dad said. He then paused and scratched his head. "Does this conversation seem a little strange and awkward to you?" he asked. "It does, but I'm glad we're having it and I wouldn't change it for the world," I said. "Why is that?" "Because I don't know what I'll be like after tonight. I keep thinking Mr. Edwards is going to fuck the boy out of me. So this might be the last chance I have to be like a son to you." "Is that what you want?" Dad asked. "To be a woman and forget you were ever a boy?" "That would be merciful," I said. "But I really don't think its going to happen that way. I'd consider myself lucky if I came away from it and said something like; that wasn't so bad or I can live with that. That would be pretty awesome because if that happened, I think I'd be able to adjust to this." "Are you saying you'd be happier just dressing up and pretending to be a woman?" "Kind of," I said. "That would be like having the best of both worlds, but then again, I really wanted to know what it would be like to be like Mom, and this way I'll know." "That's true, but if you don't like being like your mother...well then, you're kind of stuck. Aren't you?" "That's right, Dad. Big saggy boobs and a gray haired pussy for the rest of my life!" "At least you're able to smoke in public this way," Dad said. I took a big puff from More Menthol 120 and blew it in his face. "What? You wish you could do that?" "Oh Geeze, Darren!" Dad said. "That was incredible! Are you going to do that to Ken?" I cocked my to the side and asked, "So you thought that was sexy, huh?" "What do you mean?" Dad asked. "You know how I feel. We're the same, you and I. Of course I thought that was sexy. Isn't that why you did it?" "Actually, Dad. When I really think about it, and that's what I'm trying to do right now, it wasn't sexy, because I didn't see it." My father told me that he didn't understand. "Don't worry about it," I said. "I didn't understand it until now either. The thing is, we both get turned on by seeing women smoke. And I'm a woman, and you just saw me do it, and you're turned on...but what about me, Dad? Don't you see, the shoe is on the other foot now! I'm trying to get turned on by doing what I'm so used to looking for and its not the same thing." "I don't know if I get what you're saying, Darren. All your life, you've wanted to smoke like a woman- like your mother. And now that you're really doing it, you're saying that it doesn't turn you on?" "Yes and no," I said. "Its really complicated and I'm just really trying to figure this whole thing out, so maybe I'm wrong, but it kind of makes a lot of sense to me at the same time. I just don't know if I can put it into words." "This sounds important," Dad said. "Maybe you should try." "Okay," I said as I tapped an ash into the ashtray. "When I was a boy, you know...a kid, I fell in love with Mom." I paused for a moment to look my father in the eye. "And I hope that doesn't bother you to hear me say that. It was a just a kid crush. Its not like I ever really wanted to have sex with her or anything." "Its okay. I understand," Dad said. "I felt the same way about my mother when I was a little boy." "That's good, cause I'm glad we're on the same page. Its just that when it comes right down to it. I like girls, Dad. Well, actually. I like women- older women that smoke. And its that way with you too. Isn't it?" "Absolutely," Dad said. "I know I had some issues with crossdressing and then of course there's the smoking fetish, but I've always been straight. And if I'm hearing you right, you're going to say its the same with you." "Exactly," I said. "The whole thing about crossdressing...it was always about pretending to be a woman I could fall in love with. You know, making my fantasy woman, and of course the woman of my dreams is older and smokes." Dad scratched his chin, "You know, Darren. You're not telling me anything I haven't figured out for myself. We're really pretty much the same- you and I." "I know, Dad. This is more about my smoking fetish than anything else. You see, Mr. Edwards has a smoking fetish too." "A lot of men do," Dad said. "It doesn't make him a bad person." "I'm not saying he's bad or you're bad or I'm bad or anything like that. What, I'm saying is, its going to be weird, smoking in front of him to turn him on, cause that was never my goal. Being a smoker and smoking like a woman is what turns me on, but you and Mom and Margie and Susan, well all of you think its all my turning Mr. Edwards on by my smoking." "I'm not sure if I'm following you correctly," Dad said. "It seems like it would be a win/win situation for both you and Mr. Edwards from where I'm sitting." "Maybe so," I said. "But the thing is that I'm not smoking for Mr. Edwards. I'm smoking for amusement and entertainment, and when I think about it, well...its just kind of weird. I might be wrong about this, but I think I'm right in saying that Mom smokes to make you feel good. I mean, I really doubt she lets you fuck her while she's smoking because she really needs a cigarette at that precise moment in time." "Yes, I suspect you're right about that. So does saying these things change anything for you?" I shook my head and crushed out my cigarette. "No. Not really. I'm still just trying to figure myself out. That's all." "You're mother says she's afraid that you're having some regrets about getting the surgery. Are you?" I groaned as I removed another cigarette from my case for my father to light. "Don't tell Mom, but I think I am having some regrets. Its just that I think I did everything too fast without really taking the time to think about it. Look at me, Dad. I'm the kind of woman that I want to marry. I didn't do this so I could marry the man of my dreams. Does that make any sense?" "I'm afraid it does," Dad said, "but is it all bad." "Heavens, No!" I said exuberantly. "If I had to rate it, I'd say I'm about 30% regret and 70% thrilled." "So you think you'll be happy living as an older woman for the rest of your life?" Dad asked. I saw the look of confusion on his face and realized I had him worried. "Of course I can be happy, Dad! Look at me," I said as I held up my skinny brown More 120. "I'm wearing dresses and smoking like Mom! I'm very happy about that. There are so many good things about being a woman." "Its not that I don't believe you, but I'd feel better I heard you say some of them," Dad said. "Well for starters, I have more self esteem and pride as an older chain smoking woman than I ever had as a football playing boy. I really feel good about myself Dad! When I pull up my panties in the morning, and strap on my bra, and fire up a smoke every morning, I feel like I'm on top of the world! And putting on make-up every is everything I thought it would be! And one of the things that makes it so great is that I have to do these things. I have to wear dresses. I have to carry a purse." "Oh and some other things," I said. "Its so much fun to prance around wave my hands with a limp wrist. And I can read Woman's Day and actually enjoy it without people thinking I'm some kind of a sissy boy. Can you imagine what people would say and think about me if they saw me dressed like a boy and floating around like I do." Dad laughed. "They'd say you were a little cock sucking faggot," Dad said. "Of course they would! But now I'm going to be a cock sucking, chain smoking, respectable woman. When people stare at me, its going to be because they admire me and not because they think I'm a fairy." "It really is for the best that you got the surgery and became a woman like your mother," Dad said. "I couldn't agree more," I said as a double plume of gray smoke billowed from my nostrils. "And if I had to look for the silver lining in all of this, I think I'd say that it was pretty cool that I got to experience life as both a real boy and a real woman." Dad raised his eyebrow and told me I was right. "So what do you think, Dad? I'm getting ready to go out and get laid. Do you still envy me?" Dad shook his head and said, "Not when you put it that way." I placed my cigarette between my lips and clenched it between my teeth as I got up from my chair. "I gotta go," I said. "How about a hug and kiss on the cheek for luck?" Dad got up from his chair and wrapped his arms around me. "Try not to worry about tonight too much," he said. "And remember, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do." I held him tight and said, "You know I can't do that, Dad. I have to go through with it or else I'll be a failure and I can't afford to fail. This is my life now." "I know," he said.