It's hard being a male
By Maddy Maddison
December 26 20XY
Dear diary,
Is that the way to start a diary entry? I don't know, I think I must
have seen it somewhere.. Anyway, I got this diary for Christmas and after
all the excitement of yesterday, this is the first opportunity to write
in it. My name is Emile Scott, I'm 13 years old and live in a small
country town Camden Park , near the state's capital, Sydney. I hate my
name, I know it's a family name, but it sounds too similar to the girl's
name Emily and it's been a sore point with lots of teasing at school.
I'm sick of saying that it's pronounces "Emeel" I was feeling a little
nauseous today, must be from stuffing with Christmas breakfast, lunch and
dinner myself yesterday.
My big sister Anne, she just turned 15 a month ago and gave me some T
shirts for Christmas. What is it with girls and clothing? I'd rather
get a game or something. Problem is, the four t shirts are a little on
the femmy side if you know what I mean. Not falling for that! Just 'cos
she wants to be a boy.
Let me explain ever since the bioweapon was accidently released in China
ten years ago, gender has become more malleable. The Chinese have had a
population imbalance due to the one child policy and more boys somehow
surviving at birth. So there had a chronic problem of having too few
women for the male population. The genetically altered virus was based on
the Spanish flu virus which was highly contagious and rapidly spread
around the world infecting most people, except those living in very
remote communities.
Girls and women can change to males if given a little boost in
testosterone and by thought and actions. The increased testosterone seems
to turn on lots of other genes that reduce production of female hormones
and by that stimulus. But, unless there is a complete change, the body
reverts to being female as the production of testosterone diminishes and
estrogen becomes dominant in the body again. The science teacher at
school said it was something to do with the virus bioweapon could switch
on and off sex hormone genes but the switched on genes are really over
stimulated so they have a big effect on your body but quickly. The virus
is activated by a slight hormone imbalance and your state of mind, so if
a boy is given a few birth control pills plus girly feelings in a boy
leads to the estrogen gene switching on while girls and women who take in
some testosterone tablets and then feel they are dominating boys and men,
this switches on the testosterone or male hormone making gene.
For women though, the effort has to be constant to reach a 100% male
body. Males on the other hand need to be alert. Although they maintain
a male body without effort, if they allow to dip too far into the
feminine, the virus is activated and they then have to struggle with
constant effort to get back to being 100% male again. Many girls and
women want to be male because society has changed after the release of
the virus to favour males and restricts women to home duties or caring
professions like nursing or teaching. They are also heavily subjected to
a culture of beauty and maintaining a feminine demeanor. Some girls are
happy with this, but most are not.
These days, high school is a critical time for girls because if they can
change more easily once puberty has started, they can be educated in
subjects leading to a career. This is often when girls first realise how
unfair society is towards girls and that if they want a freer life style,
they will have to change to males. Also, when stimulating testosterone
in pubescent girls, their bodies become more adapted and ready to change
to male characteristics. Some girls have found out that dominating guys
and feminising them makes their maleness increase more easily. The more
feminine influence the guy is exposed to, with a little initial boost of
female hormones, the more he is changed and the more the girl gains
skills to transform herself to a more permanent male. A young boy
exposed to feminisation also makes his body more receptive to the
activation of estrogen making genes and is more easily changed. Even
without the artificial stimulus of hormones given to boys or to girls,
the change can still happen, just more slowly.
So after that long winded explanation, (I've got writer's cramp) I'm not
going to give Anne the satisfaction of wearing those T shirts. She
seemed to get a buzz from just watching me open the present. She tried
to get me to try them on to. I could see that the sleeves were shorter
that normal and they seemed to be gathered at the top of the seam, making
them all bunchy and puffy. I looked through them, they were all pastel
colored, one was even pink. Mom gave me some undies. She called them
jockies, they matched the t shirts in their colors. What is pale red
anyway? They seemed smoother than my normal cotton underpants and a bit
sparkley.
I refused to wear them but mom made me try them on 'for size'. I did
quickly, just to keep the peace, but it was too much. Both mom and Anne
seemed to breathe a bit heavier when I reluctantly said I'd try them. I
put each one on in turn, even though I wanted to stop at the first one.
They felt a bit slinkier and tighter than my normal t shirts. Mom said
that I had to keep the pale red T shirt and matching undies on for the
rest of the night. Mom also gave me a GI Joe and a whole set of clothes
for it. It was a strange toy, it seemed like a skinny, really puny GI
Joe and his clothes didn't look all that military, more like fashion
clothes. When I finished looking at that, she said that most people like
two dolls to play with. Yes she said dolls, not action figures. So she
also got me a girlfriend for GI Joe along with some clothes for her.
Moms and Anne's bodies seemed be a bit 'chunkier' today while I felt a
little leaner, in the arms, and my shoes seemed a little too big. Bodies
can't change THAT quickly, but my imagination was running riot.
I wish dad didn't have to go to work on that cruise ship. He will be
away for months and I don't like what mom is pushing onto me!
December 27
Dear diary,
I'm still feeling a little nauseous today, strange, I eased off on the
food yesterday. After yesterday's efforts on my part to avoid the new T
shirts, I'm back to normal, and so are mom and Anne, although they seem a
little grumpy. Every once in a while, out of the corner of my eye, I see
one of them give me a sly, calculating look. I don't know, there's the
new underwear in the drawer and occasionally, I wonder what it would feel
like to be a girl, so I open the drawer, touch the T shirts and undies,
rubbing them in my hands, then I get frightened and put them back. No
no, I don't want to go down THAT path.
I played with GI Joe today and mom guided me to play with GI Joe's
girlfriend. I had to show mom how I could change her clothes. Jeeze it
was embarrassing, mom stayed with me for an hour insisting I play with
the girl doll which she insisted on calling Wendy. She also explained
what all the bits of Wendy doll clothes were called, how to put them on,
what went with what and what clashed. More information than I needed!
Mom got so excited she offered to buy some other girl dolls to keep Wendy
company! I just wanted to play war with GI Joe and asked for other GI
Joes instead. Mom didn't like that idea.
December 28
This year, the Australian summer is hot. Mom took me to the shops to by
new swim trunks. We walked into Target and looked at what they had. I
liked a purple pair and mom insisted I try them on. Who ever heard of
trying them on? I had to try them on with my undies on underneath. They
looked a little bulky in the mirror and was about to take them off when
mom's hand appeared over the top of the change room door. Here honey,
try these on too.
She was holding a blue pair of swim trunks in her hand.
I took them and taking off the other trunks, put the new pair on. They
seemed to be skimpier than the last pair and there wasn't much room in
the front. Mom asked me to step out so that she could see what they
looked like. I didn't want to go out in the store proper and told her
so. She did the next most embarrassing thing, she opened the change room
door. "Oh they look marvellous, I think we'll get you those", she said.
I wasn't so sure, I had only worn baggy trunks before not the slinky
speedo type. "Can I try on some other style, like I usually wear? I
asked. She looked disappointed and went to look for other styles.
While she was gone, I was thinking that the trunks seemed to flatten me
in the front, then I grew suspicious. I peeked out of the change room
door and noticed mom with a bikini top in her hand talking to a sales
lady, the top was same color as the trunks that I was wearing. I closed
the door quickly and pulled off the offending bikini bottoms as I now
knew what they were. I felt weak at the knees, at mom's conniving and
the fact that I had been wearing a bikini bottom.
The next pair of trunks mom gave me were long legged trunks, but seemed a
little too loose and flowing. They were mostly blue but then I noticed
little pink highlights. Again mom was trying to get me to buy girly swim
trunks.
This went on for w while until I finally got my way and got boys trunks.
But now, is it my imagination? But my legs look a little smoother than
this morning. I am imagining that just trying on the four or five girls
swim trunks mom tried to get me to buy was enough to feminise my legs a
little. But they do feel nice smooth. What am I thinking?
After the swim trunks, we went into the toy store. I thought mom was
going to buy me another GI Joe like I wanted, but she bought me another
two friends for the Wendy doll and more girly doll clothes. I couldn't
convince her I only wanted GI Joes. When we got home mom walked with me
to my room and gave me the bag with the swim trunks and asked me to put
them in my cupboard. She had a funny grin as I reached into the bag and
pulled out the swim trunks. The bag still wasn't empty though so I
looked in it. At the bottom was more material. I pulled it out only to
find a full blue bikini set like the bottoms I had tried in the store.
I was aghast and in my open mouthed silence, mom said, "I just couldn't
resist, the blue one looked so sweet on you darling."
"But mom" I replied, "I can't wear bikini's! I don't want to be a girl!
Give them to Anne."
"Oh don't worry honey, just put them in your drawer next to the other
ones you bought, in case you feel like trying them on. Bikini's feel so
sexy when you wear them."
"For a girl mom, not a boy like me," I replied as I put them in my
drawer.
Mom ignored my comment and next took out the two other dolls and clothes.
She insisted that I play dress up with the three girl dolls. As she
insisted, I had to try putting on all the different doll clothes onto the
dolls and make up girly stories about getting ready to go out and which
outfits were the most glamorous. Mom insisted that I name the new
dollies. I didn't want to but with her keeping on insisting I finally
named them Emily and Melinda. The little buttons on the doll clothing
were a pain when doing up the little dresses. Somehow during the "play"
I began to wonder which doll would look prettiest, Wendy, Emily or
Melinda. Then I caught myself thinking those things and quickly put them
down. Mom even had me trying to dress GI Joe in a girl doll's top and
skirt. That I couldn't bear and took them off as soon as I could. Next
mom had me singing to the girl dolls to sleep. She asked me to sing with
her. She sang a strange song about eyes getting heavy and I felt myself
drifting of.
"Tired of playing dollies honey," mom asked innocently. I shook my head,
rousing myself, "Yes, that's enough mom."
"Well put them away dear, next to that boy dolly. It's getting late and I
need to make dinner anyway," she said in a rather surprisingly husky
voice.
I looked at the clock. Where had the time gone? I lost two hours
playing with the dolls. I must have been in some mindless state. I
looked around and saw that my clothes were on the bed. Wondering how they
got there, I looked down and to my horror, I saw that I was wearing the
blue bikini. How had that happened? I suddenly felt panic rising in me
and stood up quickly, scrabbling to get the hated bikini off me. I
brushed my naked body with my hands, trying to get rid of the residual
feeling of bikini top and bottom on my skin. I quickly got dressed in my
normal clothes and put away all the girly dolls and clothes. The new
dolls were stored next to the Wendy doll but geez, this is getting too
girly for me. Was I hypnotised?
Good night diary.
January 1 20XX
Dear Diary
A new year! Last night was fun. Mom, Anne and I went to the city to
look at the fireworks. It was fantastic. The fireworks that is. Trouble
is, I wish mom didn't make me wear the new underpants she bought me at
that post- Christmas sale. They didn't look like regular boy undies,
they were soft and slinky. When I complained, she just said, nylon
undies for boys are the new rage, I should get used to them! Who ever
heard of nylon undies for boys? And I don't believe that the little
roses on the front are for boys who love nature like mom said!
So I wore them and they almost ruined new year's eve! I kept feeling soft
and slinky feelings down there. It was so distracting. We got back
really late from the city last night, the traffic was a nightmare (pun
intended) after the fireworks! Finally got to bed about 1:30am.
It's funny, I sometimes faze out when mom talks to me, it's usually about
the time she is convincing me to play with those dolls. Sometimes I
shake my head and find I've somehow changed my clothes, I think. One day
I shook my head to find I was outside by the pool wearing that blue
bikini mom bought me. That tan was embarrassing. It will take weeks to
fade out. Other times, I had been sitting at mom's dresser with her
lipstick in my hand. It's funny how mom and Ann always seemed so smug
afterwards. Still other times, I seem to find myself standing at the
sink, with apron tried around me doing the dishes, or still in an apron,
helping with the laundry.
January 2
Dear diary,
I wish I didn't go shopping with mom and Anne today. They had me
following behind them as they went into every boutique that had a big
sale! They even bought me some funny shirts they said were unisex! What
does that mean anyway? They were really awkward to button up as the
buttons were on the wrong side. Most of them were either pirate shirts
or gypsy shirts that had billowy sleeves. Yuk, I hope I don't have to
wear them so often, especially the pirate shirts, they have lace on the
collar and sleeves. I objected to those but mom showed me a picture of
pirate shirts of the time on her iphone and blow me down, they did have
lace on them! Pirates with lacy shirts! The gypsy shirts had flowers on
them, mom said that's because they were nature lovers and often used them
as camouflage when poaching in the forests. Worst of all was when she
led me over to a whole rack of tartan skirts and asked if I would like to
buy a kilt! Kilt! They weren't kilts. They were skirts. Mom backed
off. I'm glad the sale period finished today. Still I have some pretty
ordinary clothes that I'll try to avoid wearing! Hope mom doesn't see
this diary.
January 13
Wow, I just found this diary. I'll have to make sure I don't forget about
it. I like writing, writing essays at school was my favourite activity
and I like to practice so that I can get better at it. I re read my
first few entries. I must have anticipated what mom and Anne were trying
to do to me. Anne never wanted to be a girl. She's ambitious and just
wants to get into good courses at school and get a good career. She
hates that I'm the boy in this family and she's always smirking and
looking smug when mom tells me to play with those dolls or do something
girly. The other day, mom decided we'd have a pirate day, so I had to
wear my lacy pirate shirt. She also got me to wear my silky underpants
and these billowy pants. I complained that the pirate shirt seemed to
irritate my chest. For some reason she just smiled and gave me a vest to
wear underneath. The vest had narrow lace edging around the neck and arm
holes. And where did mom get those shoes I had to wear? They had big
golden buckles on the front and a two inch heel. The shoes were a bit
tight so I had to wear these ultra-thin white socks that went to my
knees. Then she gathered my hair on a pony tail and put in a blue
ribbon. I complained but mom just showed me a photo of pirates and they
had those to ribbons too!
Anne on the other hand was dressed in a British officer's uniform and we
had to pretend to play pirates. I had to hide my treasure. I don't know
why mom thought my GI Joe and dolls were treasure. Actually, I thought
on reflection, what a great idea, I could bury them!
What was even worse was that Anne captured me and I had to be her slave
for the day. I had to wear a frilly apron and cook and clean for her and
mom. Well that was a total waste of a day for me. I've only just
changed into my pajamas and now doing my diary entry. I still have to
wear that vest, my chest is still a bit itchy and I noticed when I was
changing that it was a little bit puffy under my nipples. Mom looked at
them and said that maybe it was a reaction to the new washing powder she
was using. She gave me some soothing cream to rub into them. It sure
works well. But it did nothing to reduce the puffiness. Oh well, maybe
better tomorrow.
January 14
Dear Diary,
I wish today didn't happen. I don't even know why I'm writing about it
today. I'm thinking I should though. I have a strong feeling that mom
and Anne want me to be the girl in this family, like I have been writing
about earlier. Today was an extreme example although at the end of the
day, I retrieved some of my male self!
It really started when I woke up and mom came in to ask me about my
chest. She said she was worried about it and that too much irritation
will make the puffiness way worse. I opened my pajama top to see what my
chest looked like. To my disgust, the puffiness seemed to have spread a
little more and looked a little bigger. Well, mom looked concerned and
said. "Oh Emile, that looks bad, I think the vest isn't helping as much
as I thought, it's still rubbing your chest and causing this swelling."
"Well what can I do mom? They're starting to look like breasts!"
"Dear, boys have breasts, they're just not as... developed as this." Mom
looked concerned. She reached out and touched my right breast, right on
the nipple. It sent a weird shivery feeling to my stomach, I twisted
away from her hand.
"That looks sensitive," mom said, 'The only thing that I can think of
that won't move across your chest today is that bikini top. If you wear
that today, maybe that might be enough to stop the swelling."
I froze, no! That's really a bra. I don't want to wear a bra! "No, I'm
not going to!" I said in a huff as I crossed my arms.
"Well what will you do to stop the swelling getting worse? Do you have
another plan?" my mom asked.
I was stuck, I knew it. "But what will Anne think of me wearing the
bikini top? No, I don't' want to."
"I won't tell her, and if you don't, she needn't know. Okay?"
I reluctantly agreed.
"First of all, let's rub some more of that cream on, it should stop the
itching," mom said as she got the jar of cream and rubbed more cream on
than usual. It felt good and soothing and smelled of lavender.
Strangely, it always made me feel calm and relaxed.
Mom got the bikini out of my drawer and helped me get the top part on.
She handed me the bottom part and as she turned away, I quickly put it
on. She turned around and she couldn't help but smile as she saw me in
that bikini with swollen breasts, that almost looked like girls breasts.
I looked down in dismay, they looked like they were huge, though I knew
they were barely poking out. Mom turned to my cupboard and pulled out
the gypsy shirt, with the flowers on it.
"You haven't worn this shirt yet, I think today might be a good day to
try it on. In my dismay, I lost the will to fight her on everything, so
I meekly put the shirt on. She then gave me a pair of shorts to put on.
What I didn't know was that the gypsy shirt was long enough to cover my
shorts so it looked like I had a short dress on.
"Yuk, I look like a girl! I'm going to change," I said. "Well if you
do, your breasts just might grow ever bigger!" mom replied.
With that thought, I decided I'd try this for a day and if it didn't get
any better, it was back to my normal clothes. "Well, I'm not going to
leave the house!" I insisted. Fine with me, why don't you just help me
with some chores, then you can play in your room. Those dollies haven't
been played with for a while."
So I spent the morning helping mom clean up after breakfast and helped
with the laundry. The white frilly apron I had to wear wrapped around my
legs and met at the back, hiding my shorts and made it look like I was
wearing a dress. Ann had gone out early to swim at the pool. When she
got back, I was already in my room having finished the chores,
reluctantly playing with my GI Joe and his girlfriends, mom showing me
how they could all wear co-ordinated clothes.
"Looks like Emily is wearing a bra!" Anne said as soon as she walked in
to my room." "Am not!" I said. "Well if that's not a bra strap showing
through your shirt, what is it?"
I look at my shoulders, sure enough there was the outline on the bikini
top strap running across my shoulders.
"Now Anne, I don't want you to tease your brother, he has an irritated
chest and the bikini is helping him reduce the irritation!" mom said
smiling.
I could have died with embarrassment. I felt that my cheeks were flushed.
Anne couldn't help herself, her voice became all raspy as she knelt down
beside me, she touched then rubbed my shoulder, feeling the strap. 'But
I think you might like wearing bras and pretty things my dear brother.
Maybe, you would like to try being my sister!"
Mom forgot what she had just said earlier and joined in, saying that we
could play dress up for the afternoon, since I was already in a bikini."
I tried to argue, but somehow, I found myself, not in the bikini, but in
Anne's bra and panties and suddenly being the dress up doll, trying on
outfit after outfit. I started feeling a weird feeling in my stomach,
and my nipples seemed to become more sensitive.
After my fifth change, with mom suggesting I get my hair styled and a
little touch of make-up to get the look, I put my foot down.
"No! That is enough, I won't do it anymore. I'm getting back to my usual
clothes and I'm not wearing anything special over my chest either!"
My reaction was so sudden and loud, I think I shocked them a little and
they backed off. I was suddenly allowed some privacy to change back to
my normal clothes. To my surprise, the swelling did go down by the time
I went to bed, even without the bikini top! Definitely not falling for
that again!
January 22
Dear diary, It seems that I only write here if something out of the
ordinary has happened. After that last entry, everything went back to
normal. Mom and Anne, had left me alone since then, until today that is.
Today, I found out that Anne had taken some photos of me during that
dress up session and she had printed off a few of the photographs. The
thing is, I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't looked in my photo
album! There was a whole double page of photos of me in different
dresses and skirts stuck in there. I was furious and yelling, demanded
who had taken the photos and put them in there! One photo was the worst,
because it was taken side on and one could see the outline of my swollen
chest! Anne and mom insisted I keep the photos in the album. I said
"No!" and went to rip them out but mom yelled at me with such
unaccustomed anger that I backed off right away. I went to my room to
sulk and shut the door after me. I felt like throwing all that girly
stuff I had acquired since Christmas out the window. But I quietly fumed
instead.
I felt my chest, just to make sure that my chest had actually stayed
down. It had. Alone in my room, I got out my GI Joe and played war with
him. But why did I get out Wendy and pretend that they were going out to
dinner? I had taken great care in selecting an outfit for her. And why
did I put a bra and panties on GI Joe under his suave suit? Was it
because I had to take it out on GI Joe, all the pressures I was feeling
and transferring them to him?
January 30
Dear Diary
I haven't been good making regular entries in this diary, summer was just
too busy. I just wish mom and Anne weren't so enthusiastic about those
stupid dolls. I've had to play with them nearly every day. And now I
know too much about female clothing and what goes with what. Mom let me
keep my hair long over the summer break, but she has this annoying habit
of brushing it and putting it in a high pony tail! Sheeesh!
Wow, I'm a thirteen year old boy about to start the new school year. And
I'm scared. Why?
All through the holidays, girls in my neighbourhood and about my age have
been openly criticizing the role society expects women to play and seemed
to be eyeing off any boys near them. At the mall the other day, I was
shopping for my new school stationary when a Toby, a boy in my year level
at school surrounded by a group of girls about my age. I wasn't close
enough to hear what they said but looked like they were trying to entice
him into the jewellery shop by pointing to the shop just behind me. He
shook his head a couple of times then bowed to pressure, finally nodding
yes. They as one grabbed his arms and marched him off to the shop. I
was sitting at a table eating my burger when they walked past. I had my
head down so I wouldn't make eye contact. I heard them chatting to Toby
saying encouraging things like; "Lots of boys have two ear rings, you'll
look so cool!" and "You'll be so popular Toby, but you should stick to
me." That was Sandy talking, an imposing four inches taller than Toby.
Toby didn't look too convinced as he went by. Out of curiosity, I waited
at the table, going to the opposite seat so I could see him emerge. I
had to wait ten minutes and was on the verge of leaving when I saw him
come out with the group of girls. He looked worried and was pawing his
ears so I couldn't get a good look at what he had put in. The girls and
Toby were retracing their steps so I ducked my head down again as they
passed. I thought I caught a flash of pink in Toby's ear before I
lowered my head. As they came close, one of the girls was saying, "It's
not like you can take them out before six weeks so you'll have to live
with it. How was I supposed to know the technician loaded the wrong
studs in the gun?" As they receded, I managed to catch... "anyway, they
make you look cute."
I bet Toby won't look too much like a boy for too long.
Well, School starts in a few days. Boy do I have to be careful. When I
got home I found my bed cover and sheets had been changed to pink. They
were cotton, not that slinky material girls love. I asked mom about it,
she said they were Anne's old sheets and since she now had a bigger bed,
they were passed down to me. Oh my!
February 4
Dear Diary,
Mom objected to changing my sheets so I slept in the pink ones. I
thought, how will I get out of this? I thought, power of the mind! I
would change into my PJs, go to the bathroom and brush my teeth. When I
returned to the entrance of my room, I closed my eyes, felt for the light
switch and switched off the light so I wouldn't see the pink color. When
the light was off, I stepped into the room, closed the door and walked to
my bed. I closed my eyes, even though it was dark and imagined that the
bed covers and sheets where really blue. It took a while to get a good
image of it but when I did, I climbed into bed and went to sleep.
It must have worked 'cos in the morning, I was the same that I always
was... a boy without any girlish features apart from my swollen chest.
While having my morning shower, the bathroom door opened and I heard mom
tell me that I should wear my new underwear and that she had put the
light blue set on the bathroom stool. Drat, she was really trying hard
to turn me but what could I do. After drying myself off, I looked at the
underwear OK, I would concentrate hard on making these BE boys underwear
in my mind. Just like the PJs, mom and sis weren't going to win!
Mom greeted me at breakfast and I thought that I could see a subtle down
turn of her smile and a little stammer. Still smiling, she told me to sit
and eat my cereal before heading off for school. Whoa, mom was acting
suspiciously; she's got it in for me. I do not want to be turned into a
girl. That set me to thinking. I've often heard her say that she was so
frustrated as a single mother and woman, it is hard to make ends meet
with the higher paying jobs going to men and how she wishes she could get
a higher paying job. I finished my breakfast quickly and headed off to
school.
At school, I saw the same girls that had surrounded Toby at the mall
sitting talking to each other. They seemed to be looking out for someone
else, casting glances at the school entrance. I pretended that I wasn't
looking at anyone in particular when I passed by them but after another
20 meters, I turned around, using a tree trunk to hid behind so I could
see what they were up to. The girls had already stood up and were
walking towards Toby coming through the school gate, at least I thought
it was Toby.
I decided that it was Toby, but in the boys uniform, he moved a little
too gracefully for a boy. I could see little swellings on his chest. I
heard the closest girl to him shout, Tania, great to see you! He seemed
really annoyed and tried to evade the approaching girls. Soon however,
he was in their midst, being ushered towards the school building. From
my vantage point, I heard one of the girls, Jane, say as they passed say...
Of course those pants won't do. Wait till I show you what I brought for
you to wear. It's so cute!."
Next time I saw Toby, it was at the lunch break, s(he) was dressed in
black tights and the school uniform grey pleated skirt and Mary Jane
shoes. He looked just like a girl but without the hips and with little
breast buds. His face seemed a little softer. Joan on the other hand was
dressed in Toby's pants and shoes, she was looking a lot more like a boy
than poor Toby. Joan's breasts looked smaller, but maybe she was binding
them. Toby was not looking too happy and Joan seemed to be lording it
over the feminised Toby.
I must have been looking too long because Amanda, one of the girls in the
group, saw me gawking and smiled at me. She split from the group and
started to walk towards me, but I turned and pretending I'd just seen a
friend, called out "John, wait for me!" I took off like greased
lightning. She didn't even get close to me and I sighed with relief when
the bell went and I went it to my next class.
What I didn't like was seeing Amanda waiting at the school gate looking
for someone. I had a funny feeling about this so I turned around and
even though it added an extra kilometre to my trip home, walked out the
school's back gate near the sports ground.
With heart pounding, I left the school grounds and quickly made my way
home. Mom was there when I got home and said that Amanda had rung and
wanted to come over to help with 'our' school assignment.
"What?" I said, "I don't have an assignment with her!" Mom said that
Amanda predicted I would say that because I would be embarrassed about
the assignment.
"What do you mean mom, embarrassed how?"
"She said that you both had an assignment to design a new school uniform,
both a girl and boy's uniform. That it was part of your civics class,"
mom said.
I had civics and Amanda was in the class, but I didn't have such a
project. Just then, as I was about to argue with her, the doorbell rang.
I was fuming over the blatant lie that had mom thinking that I was
interested in designing clothes.
I opened the door, and there was Amanda standing there with her school
bag over her shoulder. I was still thinking how I was going to complain
to Amanda when she walked past me and to my mom saying, "Thanks for
allowing me to stay and do the project with Emily, Mrs Scott."
I couldn't believe it and was recovering and speechless when mom said:
"That's alright Amanda, but why did you call Emile Emily?"
Then I couldn't believe the breadth of her lies when she replied, "He is
such a cutey and he volunteered to help with the uniform project, he
seemed to want to design the girls uniform, so I called him Emily. I
only thought girls would want to design dresses and skirts, things that
only girls should wear. Most of the boys in the class wanted to design
things like the ideal school building or ideal school grounds."
Mom turned to me and asked, "Is that right Emily, I mean Emile? You
wanted to design the girl's uniform?"
Finally recovering and mad as hell, I replied "No mom, I don't even know
about this project, how could I have said something like that?"
Not even with time to recover, Amanda put in: "Now, now Emily, no need to
be shy in front of your mother, you remember how we did those designs.
You put them in your school bag. Don't you remember?"
"What, I did not," I said, and eager to prove her wrong, retrieved my
school bag from the corner where I dropped it and opened it. Sitting on
top was a sheaf of papers I didn't recognise. I pulled out the paper and
saw some girl's uniform designs. Mom snatched the paper form my hand and
started looking through them before I had a chance to see them properly.
What followed was even worse. Mom looked at the drawing and said, "I see
by your comment here Emile that you like the feel of the dress fabrics
and wonder what they would be like to wear."
What? I don't know what you mean? I said nervously. What, you mean you
didn't write that comment, what does it say? As I pulled the sheet from
mom's hands to look at a drawing of a girl's uniform and saw the comment
scrawled in pencil, "Hmm yummy and satin lining. Oh to feel that against
my skin!"
"I didn't 'write that." I yelled, but mom showed me the page, and there
next to the skirt design was a hand written comment in what looked like
my hand-writing.
"No need to feel embarrassed Emily, how else can a curious boy learn what
it feels like to wear beautiful clothes." Amanda commented, touching my
shoulder with what I knew was false sympathy. "I know. Why don't we let
him feel what it's like to wear the girl's school uniform, then he will
have a better appreciation for the designing part of the assignment."
Amanda suggested to mom.
"What a wonderful idea Amanda!" mom said, "Let's take him to his room
where you two can switch uniforms," mom suggested. We walked into my
room and Amanda immediately noticed the pink bed covers and girly dolls
mom had given me. I thought I'd put them in the cupboard but here they
were on my desk with all the girly dolls clothing laid out.
"Emily, now I know why you wanted to do the girl's uniform, you've been
thinking about girl's fashion for a long time haven't you?" Amanda said
giving me a sickly smile.
I don't even want to go into what happened after that but I suppose I
should, yuk.
There was no use denying anything. Mom must have set these dolls out
after she got the call from Amanda. Set me up more like it.
"Oh I see you've found Emile's dollies, now I get it, he has been getting
more interested in his girl dolls and less in his old neglected GI Joe.'
Mom said. "You know he even named one after himself. Show Amanda which
one of your dollies is Emily," mom suggested. How could I even fight such
blatant lying. I reluctantly pointed to the dolly with long blonde hair
and wearing the evening dress."
"Oh isn't she cute Emily, I bet you want to grow up to be just like her!'
Amanda said. While gulping air like a fish in amazement at what was
happening, I didn't have time to respond before Amanda continued on.
"Well let's not delay any longer Emily, now's the time to stop playing
dollies and really start experiencing girl's clothes for real. How else
will you know what design is comfortable and what isn't?"
Amanda began to unbutton her blouse while mom turned me around and
started to undress me. I squirmed with embarrassment and shame that I
couldn't be more forceful and stop this nonsense.
Soon I was red faced and embarrassed, standing in front of Amanda only in
my pastel blue underpants and camisole that mom had insisted I wear that
morning.
"My, that's a cute cami and knicker set Emily, Amanda said, "but you
really need my bra to make your chest pop!"
"I don't want it to pop Amanda." I retorted as Amanda was donning my
school shirt and pants.
"Now, now Emily," mom said, "no need to be rude. But, to really see what
a girl's uniform is like to wear, you will have to wear Amanda's bra.
To my embarrassment, Amanda had taken off her bra and her breasts were
jiggling without any support as she handed them to mom. Mom smiled as
she examined the delicate white lace on the cups.
"Oh you will love having this beautiful bra hugging your breasts Emily."
Mom whispered in my ear. I felt her putting the bra around my chest. She
turned me around and clipped up the bra. She put my hands through the
straps. I could feel the tight embrace of the bra around my chest as she
adjusted the straps to fit my budding breasts. For some reason, the bra
cups were not loose but hugging my chest. I looked down to see that they
were not quite flat, with just a little bit of my flesh scrunched up into
the cups.
Mom moved her hands into the cups and gently pulled more flesh into the
cups. Then she rubbed the cups in her palms. I was astonished how smooth
and silky they felt and how much large my breasts looked.
"There now she said as she removed her hands and took Amanda's blouse in
her hands. I was soon wearing the blouse, buttoned up to just higher
than the bra cups. Looking down, I could see a rise in my bra enhanced
twin peaks.
By this stage, mom had already retrieved the skirt and was bending down,
holding it for me to step into. In a daze, I did just that. With a
wide, wide smile, mom lifted the skirt up to my waist, buttoned and
zipped it up. She fussed over the blouse, tucking it into the skirt.
Next came the little white ankle socks and the Mary Jane school shoes.
Suddenly I was fully clothed in Amanda's school uniform, just as she was
clothed in mine.
Ooh, I really like your boy's uniform Emily. But you being the girl, I
think we should swap and keep what we are wearing now, don't you think?"
Amanda grinned.
"No, this was just for me to see what it's like wearing the uniform, for
the project!"
"Emily, I think you can't really appreciate a girl's uniform until you
wear one for a while, at least a week, to experience all the pros and
cons of the design." Mom said, backing up Amanda. Mom seemed to be
getting a more and more husky voice as she spoke to me.
At that point, I gave in and Amanda and I started our bogus project. I
had to come up with the girl uniform so started doing rough sketch
drawings of uniforms. Amanda insisted on asking my opinion on which
would be more comfortable to wear and how I thought it would feel. I
felt so awkward trying to imagine dressing in these creations all day.
Meanwhile, Amanda was having fun drawing boy's uniforms and imagining
wearing them all day, how they would compare while playing rough school
yard games. I swear the pitch of her voice dropped a little while mine
seemed to go up a notch!
By six o'clock mom call me to dinner. Amanda quickly stood up and said,
"Looks like I'll have to go. See you in school tomorrow Emily!"
She hurriedly turned and retreated while I was still mentally trying to
catch up. I yelled to her retreating form, "What about changing our
uniforms back!"
All I heard as she was going down the stairs was, "Wear the uniform to
school tomorrow, maybe we can swap then!"
I jumped up to follow her, both scared and indignant that I might have to
wear her uniform to school tomorrow. "No way," I yelled, we have to swap
now!" But she had already reached the front door and was making good her
escape.
Mom saw me at the top of the stairs.
"What is all that yelling about Emily, you should be happy to experience
wearing a girl's uniform a bit longer, it will help with your project!"
"I'm not Emily, I'm Emile, and I already said, there is no school
project!"
"Well why on earth did you spend so much time with Amanda doing a non-
existent project? You don't make any sense. I think it's just an excuse
to get out of wearing a girl's uniform."
"Muuuum!" was all I could think to reply, "Well I'm changing out of this
now!"
"Oh no you don't! Dinner will get too cold, now come down here just as
you are and have some dinner."
What could I do? I went down in a girl's school uniform and had dinner.
Of course mom told me to put on her frilly apron to protect the uniform.
I was more girly than ever, much to mom and Anne's amusement. I couldn't
help noticing how they were both clearing their throats a lot during
dinner, sneaking looks at me. Their voices seemed to deepen just a
little too.
Since I was wearing the apron , mom asked me to clean up after dinner and
wash the dishes. As soon as I was finished, mom came into the kitchen
and gave me some hand cream and told me to massage some into my hands to
keep them nice and soft. Reluctantly, I applied the lavender smelling
cream into my hands. I ran upstairs to my room and took off the uniform
and got into my pajamas. What a relief! But what has it cost me? I
looked in the mirror, I seemed a little shorter, or the pajamas a little
too big. But they fit OK the night before! My breasts seemed to protrude
just a little more and my hands felt ultra soft.
February 5
I awoke with a start, the sun shining through a gap in the curtains.
Another school day. Another mess. I looked in my cupboard to my spare
uniform. Then I remembered that the pants were waiting to be mended
because of the rip in the knee from when I fell over. I got out my jeans
as mom came into my room
"No, no, no! you are not wearing jeans, that is not part of the school
uniform, you will just have to wear Amanda's uniform and swap with her at
school!"
Oh no! I thought. I'll be seen as changing into a girl like Toby! I
don't want that! Well all I can do is get there early, catch Amanda and
swap before the start of school. I reluctantly put on the uniform,
skipped breakfast and walked to school. I stationed myself at the school
gate and kept a look out for Amanda. Hoping that not too many people saw
me before I could change. Already the bra seemed to be bunching up my
chest flesh into little mounds, I just had to swap Amanda's uniform for
my own clothes.
I must have been waiting to at least quarter an hour when I finally saw
her coming towards the school gate and my heart sank as I could see that
she was dressed in her other girl's uniform! Now I was stuck in a girl's
uniform all day!
"Amanda! You tricked me! You said we were going to swap our uniforms
today!"
"No I didn't Emily, we can swap uniforms! They will just both be girl's
uniforms." she replied with a smug little grin.
I was sunk! Now I had to wear this stupid girl's uniform all day and all
my friends will know and the teachers, and all the girls! I just hope
this doesn't change me too much. I turned, following Amanda into the
school grounds, more aware than ever of the silky feel of tights and the
skirt swaying against my legs, feeling the bra wrapped around my chest
and the little tingly feeling of my nipples. At recess and lunch other
boys in similar predicaments to me gathered around me. Some with
sympathy, others resigned to their fate. I didn't want any part of it
and I certainly didn't want to part of that group of kids, I wanted out
of there!
It wasn't until the end of the school day that I started to get comments
on how I was behaving like a natural girl, swaying my hips when I walked
and how I unconsciously gathered my skirts when I sat down and how
naturally girly my voice sounded.
Oh no! This was getting serious! I hadn't even noticed! What was I to
do? Change out of these girly clothes as soon as I got home and make
sure my spare school pants were mended, that's what!
As I walked home, I worked up my determination to finish this as soon as
I could. Alas, when I got home, mom was waiting for me.
"Now Emily, I want to see you finish your uniform assignment tonight and
you should keep wearing that uniform while you do it!"
"But.."
"No buts, you are already falling behind and I will make sure you finish
this tonight!"
So I had to sit in my room, wearing the girl's school uniform while doing
a stupid non-existent assignment! What was worse, mom had me put on
various full slips and half-slips to see if they were needed or not! She
was really enjoying this. Anne came in and fixed my long hair into a
plait with a school color ribbon. I couldn't complain, mom saw to that.
What I didn't like was Anne coming up behind me and spraying me with her
perfume! Mom came in later and made a comment that she was pleased I was
getting into the spirit of the thing! Sheesh! I didn't even bother
replying!
It was late when I finally finished of this project to mom's
satisfaction. I was even surprised and how good it looked, I had gotten
stuck into doing a really cute color drawings of the uniform! Cute? Did
I say cute? Give me a break.
Fortunately I changed out of the horrid uniform and into my pajamas.
Whoa! They felt good. Then I undid that stupid plait! I had forgotten
about that.
February 6
I woke up with the horrid feeling that I didn't check to see if my spare
uniform pants were mended. But bursting to go to the toilet, I raced
over to the bathroom. I stood there for a few minutes, still bursting...
but not bursting! How could that be I thought? I tried sitting down.
All of a sudden I could release! What was going on, I can't pee standing
up? I got a weird wiggly feeling in my stomach. It didn't seem to stop.
I got up and washed my hands, looking in the mirror. I looked a little
more like a girl, my jaw seemed narrower and the little Adams apple bump
I had was gone.
This was not fair! And then I noticed the little chesty lumps were still
there, even without the bra! I quickly took off the pajama top and saw
two little mounds on my chest, the areola were bigger and darker! Oh No,
I'll have to hide those from mom and Anne and hope they go down. My
penis seemed a little smaller and pushed back under me for some reason.
No I was worrying.
Unfortunately, that is when mom opened the bedroom door, holding my
school pants.
"Oh, Emile, look what's developed on your chest! I just came in to give
you your school pants and look what I discover! Cute little breasts!"
Her eyes were wide, she was smiling as she siddled up to me. Oh they
look so gorgeous! Of course you will have to protect them with a bra!"
"Mom, I don't want breasts! I'm not wearing a bra! That's what has
caused this in the first place!"
"Oh but you must dear! Just for a few days to experience what it's like,
having a bra cupping your new little breasts! Go get Amanda's bra this
instant!"
I retrieved it off the chair where it lay.
Now put these new panties on. I looked at the satiny panties she had
somehow produced from the folds in my repaired pants. What could I do?
Mom's eyes looked half wild, half dominant! I slipped on the silky
panties over my limp and much smaller penis which seemed to be more
between my legs rather than in front.
Mom slipped the bra up my arms and wrapped the band around my back,
connecting the two hooks. She then gently rubbed my nipples through the
bra cups. The soft smooth material moved over my nipples in response to
the gentle pressure of her caressing. Electricity ran from my erect
nipples to my crotch while my knees felt weaker by the second. "Ohhh," I
involuntarily moaned, echoing mom's reaction to caressing me in the bra.
As the first wave of feeling passed, I was aware that mom was continually
massaging my breasts which felt plumper under her ministrations. She in
the meantime was seemed to be getting more masculine. Her shoulders
seemed broader, making her breasts seem smaller, and her face was
becoming more angular. The massaging continued. In my haze of feeling,
I now noticed that Anne had carefully taken over massaging my swelling
breasts through the bra. Mom was gently rubbing my satin panty encased
penis. Anne was also looking more masculine; she looked larger than me,
her hands felt larger and rougher as the seconds ticked away.
I could feel a warmth building just behind my groin with the continued
input from four caressing hands, my voice seemed to crack to a high pitch
as I continued to moan, my eyes only half open but slowly closing. I
could feel that smooth material rubbing on my crotch and breasts was
sending me over the edge. Somewhere in my sex starved brain my male self
was screaming to get away from mom and my sister by the building weakness
and internal warmth (and I must say building excitement) stopped any move
to get away. Finally an inner dam burst as I felt mom's hand rub my flat
crotch and Anne's tender ministrations on my nipples made them grow in
thickness and length.
The inner dam wall was breached and I felt a flood descend to my crotch
as I high pitch scream passed my lips. After breathing heavily for two
minutes, eyes shut, I gradually calmed down enough to peek through mostly
closed eyelids. It seemed there was a young man and young boy in my view,
smiling broadly and shaking hands. I closed my eyes again for a while
longer. The feminised situation I was in slowly dawned on me. I opened
my eyes to see my reflection in the same mirror that I had looked in just
a short twenty minutes ago but seeing an entirely different reflection.
In front of me stood a girl in her mid-teens in soft a pink satin b cup
bra, pale breasts filling the cups, narrow waist and round hips and a
soaked, V shaped crotch in her matching panties.
Standing behind me were two broadly smiling males looking slightly off in
feminine slacks and blouses.
"I'm fully male," said Anne with glee. "So am I," said my male mother,
let's get changed quickly and into those male clothes we put aside
especially for this occasion. They turned to leave. "Wait, what about
me, you can't just leave me here like this, I want my body back.
"Sorry sweetheart, that could shorten our time as males.' Said mom
(dad??) in a deep baritone voice. You'd better change those panties,
they look a little uncomfortable honey. There's another nice satin pair
waiting for you on your bed. "You are so precious for us now, we want to
experience our male selves so much. But to lock it in, it depends on you
remaining female."
"But mom, you said it was just to see how these under things felt for a
little while." I didn't want to be turned into a girl! I thought I would
stay a boy!"
"But that was when you were a boy. Now you are a girl."
"But Emily, what boy would agree to put them on, even for a little while.
No, you showed us your feminine side by agreeing to this, even though you
thought it was only for a few days. Now you will experience more girly
experiences for the foreseeable future while Anne and I enjoy the male
side of life."
While speaking, mom and Anne were reaching under their blouses, taking
off their bras with expert ease.
"You can forget the pants Emily. I will ring Amanda and tell her that
you will need her school uniform from now on. Then she can keep your
uniform and change just like us. She will love it!" mom said as she was
going to her room, no doubt looking for some of dad's clothes to put on.
Amanda went into my room and closed the door.
"Hey, what are you doing in my room Amanda?" I yelled banging on the
door. She opened the door and threw out my new girly underwear, my
school books and diary and said, "This is my room now, your room is
across the hall. You'll find more suitable clothes there!"
With that, she quickly closed the door again. I just slumped on the
floor, crying. Mom came out of her room, now dressed completely like
dad. S(he) told me to go to my new room and put those under things away.
After a struggle to stop my sobbing, I gathered up my few possessions and
went into Amanda's room. I looked around now I was completely in a
girlish environment. How was I ever going to get back to being me?
Still in just bra and panties, I search for something to wear. Amanda
must have been planning this for a while because there was nothing but
skirts and dresses. No pants or slacks to be seen anywhere! I put on the
school uniform skirt and blouse, with everything that happened this
morning, we were all going to be late for school or work for mom/dad.
Well school was horrible. Now that changes like mine happen regularly,
the 'system' has adjusted to it and processing those who have changed
gender is now routine. As soon as I entered the school gates, a newly
changed girl came up to me and escorted me to the school office. I was
told to sit down outside the office door and wait. After the school bell
went, summoning students to their home rooms and quiet returned to the
school, the office door opened and the Administrator, Mrs McNally
beckoned me into the office.
To cut a long story short, she changed my school records to reflect my
new status and changed some of my subjects away from science and maths to
home economics and women's studies. I was then escorted to my home room
and my new status announced to everyone. Oh the embarrassment and panic!
I was trapped as a girl. The school registered me as one.
At morning break, I went out to the yard and was immediately surrounded
by the same group of newly minted girls that I saw yesterday. But now I
was accepted as one of them and congratulated! What? Congratulated? I
didn't want this, it seemed to them like I had won a prize! Well, some
did, two others who had hung back until the fuss had died down introduced
themselves, Donna and Mia. They weren't happy being newly minted girls
either. So we made friends and commiserated until it was time to get
back to class.
At lunch I saw Amanda playing football in the yard. She looked at me on
the sidelines, smiling broadly, sweaty and a little grimy, my mended
school pants showing signs of wear. Hi, Emily, look at this. And with a
flushed face, s(he) kicked the ball towards the goals. She came over and
announced that she had here status changed and was now called Andy, then
she ran off. I turned around and sadly walked over to my new friends.
It's getting late and this entry is very long but it's important to
record what has happened to me! I've got no patience for writing anymore
now, I'll continue tomorrow.
February 7
Dad! What will dad say? He won't like being married to mom now that she
is a he! What's going to happen there? He's due back tomorrow, maybe he
can take me away from here and I can go back to being a boy. He won't be
staying with what used to be mom! I can only hope. Today is Saturday and
I'm writing this at night so I'll describe what happened today. Maybe
things will change for the better tomorrow.
Anyway, continuing on from the last entry, school was a trial, having to
learn about household budgets and planning the weekly meals! Yuck, no
wonder many girls tried to get out of this. It was dawning on me what
the larger impact of my change was going to have on my life if I stayed
as a girl. With that thought, I became more conscious of my clothes, the
bra, the pantihose and skirt tucked under me! Having to keep my knees
pressed together. Second nature for a natural girl but for me and my new
friends, a big pain in the ass!
When I got home Mom, now called herself Rod (changed from Rosey dear
diary) insisted that I take over the household chores, now that I'm the
girl and she and Andy are males. Whoa! Life has just got worse! I was
kept busy cooking, cleaning up and doing some laundry while they just sat
there and accepted all my work. Andy showed no sympathy when I scowled
at him.
"Well, now the shoe is on the other foot dear Emily! You just sat there
while I served you for a long time so suck it up!" she said with
vehemence.
I ran to the kitchen and cried. But no one came in to comfort me. I felt
so alone! Come on dad! I can't wait for you to come home!
Well I went to bed in one of Amanda's nighties. The least frilly one I
could find. Not having a penis anymore is sure hard to take, sitting
down every time I go to the toilet!
I woke up in my new room, thinking of dad coming home. He was due home
by midday tomorrow. Rod and Andy were on my back about making up the
beds and cleaning out the rooms. Boy were they bossy this morning. It
seemed I had just joined the unappreciated half of the population. On
reflection, as a boy, I just didn't understand what an unfair world this
had become. Then I saw Rod and Andy just discovering the male side of
life. They realised that the lawn needed mowing, and the car needed
fixing. They didn't have the skills or knowledge to do these things. As
I was carting laundry around, I saw them worriedly conferring on some
other repairs that needed doing around the house.
Hey, What the problem boys! I tried to put it back on them. Too much for
you macho guys? Maybe you'd prefer to go back being female! They looked
up with annoyance. Don't you worry your pretty little head dear Emily,"
Andy said. "We'll figure it out."
I smirked, I might be finding it hard to adjust, but they were too! What
was that saying I learnt as school, about the grass being greener on the
other side of the fence?
Well, I finished my chores early and decided to do some homework while
Rod and Andy seemed to be pre-occupied and worried about their new tasks.
I made it clear that I wasn't going to lift a finger to help. I rubbed
it in at one point when they seemed to be trying to fix a gate, Andy
holding it up while Rod was trying to screw in a new hinge when I came up
and asked what would be a good nail polish color for my complexion! It
was hilarious watching them look up annoyed, Andy letting the gate slide
out of position and Rod drop the screwdriver. I beat a hasty retreat.
Still it was a small way to get back at them and I soon found out I had
more drudgery around dinner time. At least I burnt the dinner and they
had to eat what they could salvage! Served them right. Rod was annoyed
and told me off but he was refusing to help out with mere female duties.
Now I've gotten ready for bed and at least I could see that mom and
Amanda, now Rod and Andy didn't think it was all to their advantage!
February 8
Dad came home today. But am I happy, no! Am I going to escape from this
fate? No! I could cry, dad wasn't dad when he came home, he had also
been turned into a woman while he was away on board the ship. What was
horrible what had happened. Mom (now Rod) had slipped him some birth
control pills in his breakfast two days before he left. She had also
packed his bags. What he only found out later was that she had packed
only feminine underwear and being on ship for two months, he had to wear
it. It was too much for him, especially when the Captain found out and
reassigned him from steward duties to cooking and cleaning work so that
he worked alongside the other female crew.
To cut a long story short, the women made sure he had to wear only the
frilliest aprons, they redid his hair and insisted he wear blouses and
feminine slacks. Later when his body started changing, they insisted he
wear bras every day. By the time the ship got back to port, he was all
woman.
Dad, now mom is now called Molly and has had to take on the wifely, and
mom type duties. She can't take me and go away like I wanted. We're
both stuck. I'm too upset to write anymore. Life sucks!