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BETA BOYFRIEND by Throne Let me tell you about life with my girlfriend Maggie. I'm like a love- sick puppy around her. She's a few pounds overweight, with a soft face and substantial curves. She has glasses with big round frames. Her honey-colored hair is shoulder-length and cut in bangs. I am soooo smitten with her. Despite everything that's happened recently, I know I won't leave her. When we first met she invited me out instead of the other way around. I've always been shy and soft-spoken, partly because I'm short and slender and was never able to develop my physique, even on the rare occasions when I tried to. My pale blond hair falls over the tops of my ears and across my forehead. We're about the same height, although when she wears high heels she's a bit taller than I am. When we go out together, even though we're walking alongside each other and chatting, other fellows don't stop themselves from ogling her. It doesn't help that she dresses somewhat provocatively, with clothes that hug her generous contours. On top of everything else, she appreciates the attention she gets from all those wandering eyes. On our first date, which started with a visit to the local mall, I was upset by the way she was being ogled in her tank top and shorts, along with a pair of open-toed sandals with stacked heels. But she just told me to ignore it and said we would talk later. I went along with that -- again, I'm not at all macho -- and she even stopped to chat with some guy she had gone out with in the past, getting kind of flirty with him and acting like I wasn't there. My upset-level elevated by several points. We reached the food court and she said she'd like something to eat. The two of us got into line at a pizza place and she ordered a mini- pie with two toppings, mushrooms and broccoli. I paid and then carried it to a table she chose, which was alongside another one occupied by a quartet of loud jocks. She had grabbed two paper plates and some napkins and, as I opened the box, she helped herself to three slices and left me one. I took mine hesitantly and, when she asked me if something was wrong, I explained meekly that I didn't like mushrooms. Maggie made a mock-angry face and said that I had better eat them anyway, unless I wanted her mad at me. One of the athletic guys overheard that and guffawed. I began my slice unhappily, but tried not to let it show. Maggie wolfed down one of hers and then observed me taking tiny bites and chewing them carefully. She picked a big slice of mushroom off her next slice and held it out to me. "Open up, sweetie," she said in a sing-song voice. "Maggie has something yummy for you." Out of the corner of my eye I could see that same jock smirking at me, and his buddies following his gaze to find out what was so amusing. Unsure what I should do, but fearful of upsetting Maggie on our first date, I parted my lips and waited while she slowly moved her hand forward, set the slice of mushroom on my tongue, and then wiped her fingers on my lips. By then all four guys were snickering at me. I chewed the mushroom, disliking both the flavor and texture, then forced myself to swallow it. Maggie watched me avidly, with an amused smile. She resumed eating her own slices and I sat there kind of stunned, not understanding what had just happened. When we got up she told me to wait a minute and then, to my dismay, went over to where that four guys was still sitting and pleasantly said something to the first jock who had noticed us. He gestured with a wiggle of his forefinger for her to lean closer, which she happily did. He whispered something to her and she giggled, before making an air kiss only inches from his lips. As she turned back toward me, she gave her bottom a shake, right in front of his face. We walked away, with me feeling tense and uncertain. "What's the matter, Chucky?" she asked me. I'm usually called Chuck but her changing of my name was the least of my concerns. I said, my voice sounding weak even to me, "The way you were talking to that guy... and acting toward him... it was kind of... of..." "Flirty? Well, yeah. I mean, did you see how good looking he was? And how Alpha?" "A... Alpha?" "Duh," she said, which I took to mean I was sounding stupid. "Look, Chuckles, there are two kinds of guys. Alpha ones like him, who make contact with a girl and take control right away. They know what they want and how to get it. And then there are Betas, who are overly polite, and hold back too much, and might never get what guys want. Sometimes girls go out with Betas. Understand?" "But... I mean... why would a girl want to be with one of those... those Beta guys?" "Because a Beta will do what she wants and not make a fuss when she connects with a real guy. A Beta is more like a girlfriend to her. A male-girl. And he'll stick around even if she goes to the Alpha to get what SHE wants." I was confused. That sounded awful, being one of those Betas. I told her so and she gave me a look that was pitying but lighthearted at the same time. "Chucky-Wucky," she told me with an exaggerated show of patience. "Sometimes a guy is a Beta, a wimpy weakling type, and he doesn't even know it." When I still showed incomprehension she sighed and said, "Like you, cutie." That rattled me. We were nearing the exit that would take us back to her car -- Maggie had insisted on driving instead of letting me -- when she told me that we needed to talk more about it but I should wait until we got to her apartment. We were going to her place? On the first date? On the one hand that could be promising, yet after that talk about Betas and her identifying me as one of them, I wasn't optimistic about what might follow. In the car she turned on the radio and sang along with a recent hit song, that one about girls with big bottoms. What's it called? 'All About the Butt' or something like that. It made me think about her wide round backside and how much I loved gazing at it. We got to her apartment complex, parked in the lot out back, and went inside. She sat on the couch and patted a spot alongside her. "Time for that talk," she announced as I joined her. "You're a Beta, Chucky. And I assume you're a virgin. Right?" "Well... it's..." I lowered my eyes and confessed. "Yes." "So, fine. You're a Beta and a virgin. Those two usually go together. Now Todd, that guy I met at the food court, I'm sure he's been with girls and got them to go all the way. I know I would if it was him and me. Which could happen because he told me where he works, which is an auto supply place." Immediatly I felt inadequate because I know nothing about cars. My job at the bookstore didn't involve anything requiring more mechanical knowledge than what it took to ring up a sale. I said meekly, "But aren't you dating me?" "I am. And I've decided that you can be my boyfriend. But you're going to be my Beta boyfriend. And Todd, along with any other guys I want to see, will be my Alphas." Without warning she changed the subject and said, "I guess you have a small dick, too. Right?" Caught off gaurd I blurted out, "Yes, but..." And then it was too late. Maggie smiled consolingly and patted me on the thigh. Her touch didn't register as erotic. It was more like... sisterly. I squirmed with discomfort. She laughed and said, "Don't take it so hard, sweetie. You are what you are. Beta. Virgin. Tiny dick. And probably not much body hair." By then I was so beaten down that I simply admitted, "Hardly any." "Wellll, I still want you for my boyfriend." She shifted her attractive bottom over toward me until our thighs were nearly touching. "But it will have to be on my terms. First off, you'll need something to remind you what you are. I don't want you getting all whiny about me being with Alphas and having a good time while you sit around waiting for me to call you. So how about...?" Her eyes lit up with inspiration. "Oh, I know. My friend Becca was here and left some things behind. They'll be perfect for you." She got up and rushed out of the room. I sat there, more unsure than ever. When Maggie returned she was holding a pair of panties. Pink thong ones. "Once you put these on," she said merrily, "it'll be hard for you to forget that you're a Beta." "But those are... for girls." "Girls. Betas. There's not that much difference. So you have two choices. You can get up now and leave and not be my boyfriend. Or you can put on these sexy panties and be my BETA boyfriend. What's it going to be, Chucky?" I was so attracted to her. Overwhelmed. Unable to stop thinking about her. Wanting her, although in some imperfectly defined way. I told myself that whatever was going on would pass and then we could be a regular couple. I stood and held out my hands. Maggie smiled and handed me the panties. When I looked around for someplace to change, she shook her head and told me, "No, no. You can do it right here in front of me. In fact, why don't you just strip completely. Let me see what I'm getting." My face grew warm but I was already unbuttoning my shirt. In my mind there was no alternative to staying with her, even at this cost. I took off my shirt and laid it neatly on the arm of the couch, removed my shoes and socks, and reluctantly got out of my pants. All I had on was my jockey shorts, pale yellow ones, and I was all too aware that instead of a bulge in their crotch there was just a small bump. Under her unwavering stare I hooked my fingers beneath the elastic waistband, took a deep breath, and began to lower them. Adding them to my other discarded clothing, I stood before Maggie in the nude, my body possessing only the slightest amount of hair, and pale blond so it barely showed. "Well," she said with raised eyebrows. "You were certainly being honest about having a small dick. Sweetheart, that doesn't even qualify as a sex organ. You really need to get it into those panties where it belongs. Let's go. Put them on." I felt like there was no turning back at that point. As I slid the flimsy garment up my legs I was aware of its stimulating silkiness against my skin. I worked everything into place, even having to use my hand to arrange my genitals into the limited space that was there for them. Maggie snickered and clapped her hands. "Wow. You are SO Beta. In fact, I'd feel silly calling you Chuck or even Chucky. You need a more girly name to go with your new look. And I was thinking that, because you're a virgin, you could be called..." She let me suffer in silence for a few added seconds before she concluded, "... Cherry." I hugged myself and bit my lower lip, realizing too late that it was just more Beta behavior. Maggie patted the spot where I had been sitting and I uncertainly went back there. She set her soft plump hand on my bare thigh and rubbed up and down. I couldn't help getting the beginning of an erection. She reached up with both hands and toyed with my nipples, which I was shocked to discovered were incredibly sensitive. Suddenly my hard-on was complete. She looked between my legs and said, "So that's as big as it gets? Beta, Beta, Beta. And you even have nipples that respond like a girl's. Look how stiff they got." She leaned close and whispered in my ear, "Welcome to officially being my Beta boyfriend, Cherry. Let's just sit and relax right here for a while." I sat there uneasily as she took the remote and put on the TV. She found one of those reality shows, something about aspiring clothing designers competing with each other, and we sat there watching the second half of one episode and all of the next. At last she turned down the sound and picked up her cell phone. Maggie looked up a number and entered it. As I sat there trying to sort out everything that had already occured in such a short time, she said, "Hi, is Todd there? Yeah, hi, it's me, Maggie, from the food court." She listened to something he said and tittered, then responded, "Well, I'd like that, too. Maybe if you came over here and brought along a nice bottle of red wine, we could talk about it." She listened again. "Him? Actually, he's here right now. He's sort of my boyfriend but he's also kind of a sissy. So when you get here I can just put him in the corner and tell him to be quiet. Or, if you don't want him pestering us, you can make him go and wait in the bathroom, sitting on the hopper, or have him hide in the bedroom closet and pretend he's not there. I figure a good-looking, athletic guy like you could handle him if that's necessary. Right?" He said something else that made her chuckle and then she made a noisy kiss at the phone and closed it. Feeling totally awkward, I looked at her and hoped for some kind of reprieve. "Please," I said in a soft voice full of pleading, "don't let that guy see me like this." "Oh, don't fuss. It's just the natural order of things. Alpha over Beta. And I think he'll get a kick out of being able to boss you around. He seems like that type. But don't worry. Maggie will protect you from the rough tough jock." She snickered. "And while we're waiting for him, let's have some more fun with our dress-up game. I have something else that Becca left here. It will be purrrr-fect for my little Beta girl- boy." She chortled at me. "Come into the bedroom." When we got there she checked a small suitcase and, unhappily for me, took out a filmy lime-green babydoll nightie. I felt myself blushing as she held it up against my nearly naked form. Maggie brushed the lightweight material against my chest, making my nipples get hard and my immature dick perk up again inside the panties. She pressed up against me, with the flimsy garment still between us, and when she released it the nightie stayed caught between us. Her plush breasts were compressed against my narrow bare chest. I sighed and quivered but, when she hugged me tightly, wasn't confident enough to return the embrace. "Soooo Beta, Cherry. So, so, so capital-B Beta." She dropped her hands to my buttocks to give them a squeeze, at the same time grinding her crotch against mine. It felt so good. But I was so ashamed at the same time. Try though I did, I couldn't seperate the two experiences. Maggie went on, "Now let's get you into that pretty babydoll and see if Becca left a pretty pair of stockings, too. She likes those elastic top ones that stay up all by themselves. And her tastes run toward colors and patterns, so I'm sure anything she likes would be ideal for you." With my hands trembling, I slipped the nightie over my head and let it slither down over my smooth, almost hairless skin. I had to admit to myself that it did feel nice. But simultaneously so wrong. Maggie was going through the suitcase again and produced a pair of pale yellow stockings with subtle patterns of butterflies on them. She gestured for me to sit down and handed them to me. Maggie also provided a few hints about how to don them, rolling them up, getting them onto my feet, and then unrolling them up my legs. Again there was that curious mix of pleasant sensations and upset emotions. Next she made me stand up and walk around, coaching me on moving like a girl. Maggie said I didn't need much help because I was a natural. Then she gestured me toward the vanity table in the corner of the room and had me sit on the white ice-cream-parlour chair. She sorted through some cosmetics, picking a few items, and then leaned in close so that her body kept touching mine as she worked. With some eye make-up and a little blending sponge, a bit of blush for my cheeks, and a combination of liner/lipstick/gloss for my mouth, she soon had me looking not so much Beta as just plain girlish. Very girlish. I wanted to sob... like a girl. Maggie laughed happily, brought her face alongside my head, and whispered directly into my ear, "You are cuteness personified, Cherry. My sweet virgin. Maybe I should keep you a virgin. Never to feel what it's like to be inside a woman. We could find some other amusing way to relieve your sexual urges." She licked my earlobe. "How are those urges right now, Cherry?" I gasped out, "I... I'm really... excited that way. In a s... sex... sexual way." She ran her fingers through my hair and cooed wordlessly to me, then decided, "I think a shot of product on your crowning glory and some work with the brush will finish this picture." After she applied gel and worked with the brush for a few minutes, holding my head steady by placing her fingers lightly on my cheek, I was further transformed. My hair was fuller and had been subtly shaped. Looking into the mirror mounted to the vanity, I saw an alluring young woman returning my gaze, her colorful mouth half open in amazement. "So," Maggie offered, "I don't think Todd will feel at all challenged by you, Cherry. You look so unthreatening that he probably won't even feel like he needs to put you in your place. Not with all this protective coloration. So I did you a favor. Didn't I, Cherry?" My head was spinning but I managed to whisper, "Yes, Maggie," and had the sense to add, "Thank you, Maggie." "And therefore you should show some gratitude. How about if you do that by, oh, I don't know, maybe by... kissing my feet." Without further instructions I slid off the chair, sank to my knees, got my face almost on the floor, and pressed my made-up lips against her bare toes. I did it repeatedly, in a daze of stimulation and uncertain feelings, eager to thank her even though I wasn't sure how I felt about what she had done to me. Or about the fact that she had invited that swaggering Todd to stop by. After a few minutes she decided, "That's enough, Cherry. I have to get ready for my visitor. I hope he picked a good bottle of wine. Something not too sweet. You're providing enough sweetness for me. Maybe just a hint of fruit along with some oakiness or chocolate or something else interesting. Well, we'll see pretty soon. Now why don't you help me make myself seductive for Todd?" I wanted to point out that I had just become her boyfriend but I also remembered her explanation of my Beta status, and how she needed someone masculine to satisfy her. I sighed and nodded. Maggie went to her closet and found a short black dress with a low-cut up top, that would show off her legs and cleavage at the same time. Todd wouldnt' be able to keep his eyes off her. I was instantly jealous but at the same time felt my powerlessness. And it might be more than his eyes he got on her. Maggie seemed like the type who enjoyed sex and wasn't at all prudish or modest or unadventurous. She moved to her dresser and found tan panties with an open crotch. Oh my. And a matching bra with half-cups that would support her breasts but leave them largely uncovered, including her nipples. She had me help her undress, which was wildly arousing but also, because I understood that I wasn't allowed to touch any more than was absolutely necessary, quite frustrating. Maggie struck a few casual nude poses for me and I nearly started blubbering, knowing that I was welcome to look but could do no more. She had me hold the panties for her to step into and then I worked them up her shapely legs. She started to don the bra and then turned her back and said, 'Hook me'. I had trouble connecting the mutiple sets of hooks, not able to keep my hands steady enough. At last it was on. She turned around, directly in front of me, so I could get an eyeful of how the garment lifted and showed off her magnificent bust. I might have been a Beta but my sex drive was entirely oriented toward females. Wasn't it? I found myself questioning that, even in the midst of lusting after her. She had me help her into the dress and then zip it up the back. It fit tightly, accentuating her well filled-out contours. Maggie stepped into a pair of dark grey shoes with two-inch chunky heels and open toes. She stepped back so I could get the complete picture and it was stunning. Unbidden, I had the thought that Todd deserved her and I did not. Worse, even though he hadn't arrived, I had a sense of being dominated by his maleness, his Alpha personality. And the wave of submissiveness that washed over me was accompanied by a suggestion of something else, an inkling of -- what? -- perhaps a need to acknowledge somehow his superiority. I had a mental image of myself kneeling before him, kissing his feet as I had Maggie's, and then turning my gaze upward to gauge his reaction. As quickly as it had appeared, that unwanted vision was gone. Maggie, possibly unaware of my internal conflict, was lightly daubing perfume behind her ears. She came to me and had me sniff it and give my approval. Then she put a touch of the scent between her breasts and made me evaluate that as well. I was close to swooning. With a smile she applied a hint of perfume to the hollow of my neck. Maggie leaned close and kissed the tip of my nose, a chaste but somehow erotic act. Then she took me by the hand and led me back to the couch where we had sat earlier. We stayed like that for a while, hands joined, while she put on a TV music station, soothing quiet sounds. I leaned slightly against her, knowing that I was assuming a girlish posture but not caring. I just wanted a few minutes of closeness and, I admitted to myself, a respite from anxiety during which I could let my Beta traits assert themselves completely. Before long there was a knock at her apartment door. Maggie told me to answer it and, in a trance, I went to obey. At the last second it dawned on me that I was going to be confronting Todd. And I was wearing panties and a babydoll and stockings. My face was beautified and my hair was modestly styled. I also recalled what she had said about my new look convincing Todd that I was no competition for him. With my legs trembling I opened the door. He was standing there with a bottle of wine in one hand. Of course, his attire and everything else about his appearance was totally masculine. Dark colors and denim. I didn't know how to react but was saved by Maggie coming over and reaching out to take his hand. As she escorted him to the couch she said to me, "Cherry, be a dear and get two wine glasses from the kitchen." To Todd she suggested, "How about if we sit down and get acquainted?" He had been gawking at me but her words reminded him why he was really there, and suggested that she might want the same thing. They went and sat down, very near to each other. As I turned away they were already talking in low voices. When I returned with two glasses she had a hand on his thigh and was smiling at whatever he had just said. Then she brought her face close to his and let him kiss her, though she did draw back before the contact could become passionate. Not knowing what else to do, I set the glasses on the end table by her. She asked him to open the wine and, because it was a screw-top, he could do it right there. He had purchased a chilled bottle so there was no problem with temperature. Todd poured and then set the bottle on the floor. They clinked their glasses together and sipped. Maggie told him he had good taste in wine. Todd said, "And I'll bet you taste good with wine on your lips." To me it was a stupid line but Maggie acted amused and opened her mouth slightly as she brought her face fractionally closer to his. He covered the remainder of the distance and kissed her firmly. This time she did not retreat and I knew that they were sliding their tongues together. My heart fell at seeing him enjoy her that way, while I had to stand on the sidelines in my feminine bits of clothing and enviously observe. He must have noticed me out of the corner of his eye because, after their mouths parted, he turned his head enough to take a better look at me and then locked eyes with Maggie. "Does your sissy friend have to be here?" "Well," she said thoughtfully, "I kind of get a kick out of having a wimp like Cherry in the room at the same time that I'm about to be ravaged by a real stud like you. It's a cool contrast. Kind of... kinky. With you being so strong..." She gave his bicep and squeeze. "... and her being so weak." "Yeah," he conceeded, "it is kind of... weird. Sexy weird." "But if you don't want her watching, you could get up and march her over to the corner, and make her stand there with her back to us, so she can hear all the fun we're having without seeing it. If you did that it would really get me heated up." He didn't need to hear more. Todd snapped to his feet and sent a hard look my way. He took one step and put himself nose-to-nose with me. I nervously licked my lips and risked a step away from him. He reached for my arm, hesitated, then glanced back at Maggie who was watching avidly. I suppose the enthusiasm she was showing for his display of macho encouraged him and got him past any reluctance he had about touching me. His grip closed on my soft and slender upper arm. For several seconds I stopped breathing. Then he got a wolfish grin on his angular features and walked me over to the spot she had indicated. Getting more into the mood that Maggie had set, he snarled at me, "All right, sissy. Cherry. You get your nose into the corner and keep it there. At the mall you could be with Maggie. But now she needs a real guy." He was very close, so that his next words came across as quite personal. "So you be a good little sissy, Cherry, and don't move your ass, not unless you want me to hurt it. Understand?" In a meek whipser I assured him, "Yes, Sir. I won't budge... Sir. I'll be good. A... a good girl." He laughed loudly and I heard him move away. Maggie said something to him about how exciting that had been for her, which was followed by the sounds of wet unhurried kisses. Soon there was the sound of her zipper being lowered. And his pants being unzipped. The next wet sounds I heard were not kisses. What she was doing for him I was sure she would never do for me. It went on and on, with him moaning and praising her in crude terms. She halted several times to compliment him on the size of his penis and his terrific staying power. "I love a guy with a huge cock like yours, Todd, who can keep it up for me to suck on." It hurt me that she was talking to him like that, but I accepted it as part of my Beta fate. Maggie prolonged her oral minstrations until he was begging her to finish him. I was impressed that, in her way, she was controlling not only me but him as well. She told him teasingly, "I'm going to suck on the head and stoke that long shaft slowly, and make you empty your balls into my mouth. Do you want that, baby?" "Yessssss." "Well..." I heard some sounds that must have been from her using her tongue while wordlessly vocalizing her enthusiasm. "... get ready." Still in my humiliating position, I listened helplessly as she did exactly what she had said. Todd grunted several times and let out a strangled sound of ecstasy. Maggie purred and I could tell that the end of his penis was still planted between her lips. She gave him everything he wanted and more. There was a moment of silence before I heard her approaching me. I didn't understand why. She took my head between her hands and turned me all the way around. I stood there with my jaw hanging down as I stared at her beautifiul face and the white cream visible on her tongue as she parted her lips. In one smooth movement my new girlfriend fastened her lips over mine and ran her tongue into my mouth. She kissed me deeply but at the same time was feeding me Todd's spunk. I started to gag but managed to control my reaction. This was what Maggie desired, so it became what I wanted as well. To my shame, my penis was growing again inside the panties. She gripped it and tightened her fingers, holding it but not stroking or doing anything that might put me over the edge. I was desperate to empty my little balls. Todd had spurted his load into her willing mouth. I would be happy just to be jerked off into my panties. But Maggie effortlessly kept me on the verge without allowing me satisfaction. I put my tongue into her mouth and gathered more of Todd's output, swallowing it down. My throat constricted but my immature dick pulsed. At last she broke off the kiss went back to Todd. Without being told to, I put my face back into the juncture of the walls. He told her how fantastic what she had done to him had been. And how the way she kissed me proved that I really was a total sissy. The words stung me but I would have had a hard time disproving them. At least I was still doing 'corner time', so he couldn't see my undersized erection, which would further make the case for me being not only a Beta but kinky as well. She got his tool back into his pants and even made a joke about how quickly and efficiently she did it. He just sighed and said he'd like to see her again. "You know," he added, "I owe you now." She went, "Mmmmm. Are you going to give back like you got from me?" It took him a few seconds to grasp that she was asking if he was going to use his mouth on her. Todd said smoothly, "I'll use my hands. And my cock. Why would you want me to lick you when I could be filling you up all the way?" "Well," she said slyly, "sometimes a girl does like to have a tongue inside her before the main act." He missed a beat, trying no doubt to come up with an answer that would save him from having to go down on her, but one that wouldn't bother her and maybe cost him his chance at a second meeting. He said, "Well, hey, you've got that sissy hanging around. Cherry Tart or whatever. You could have her use her mouth and get you all wet before ..." I peeked. He held his fist out in front of him and pumped it in slow motion. It wasn't the most romantic approach, but she gave him a kiss on the ear and said, "That's a terrific idea, baby. It would be so pervy to watch Cherry get me all slippery so that huge rod of yours would go in easy." Not to be outdone, and possibly wanting to assert his masculine superiority the way she had predicted earlier, he gave her a kiss on the neck and did something, added a nibble I assumed, that made her squeal excitedly. He went on, "I could take you out for dinner first." At least he was trying not to be a complete dog about it. But his true nature was still in charge when he continued, "And then we could come right back here." She gave him a soft laugh, as if he was being sophisticated. "Sounds good, lover. And I'll pick out something extra sissy-ish for Cherry to wear while she's playing at being my lezzie lover." That made him take a deep sharp breath. Plenty of guys get turned on by the idea of girls together or, in this case, something close to it. I was getting sort of excited by it myself, but in a Beta way. And why not? A Beta was what I was. Now that Maggie had not only pointed it out to me but demonstrated it very well, I couldn't deny it. I was her domesticated Beta boyfriend. My life was never going to be what it had before then. And I was already wondering what would happen on her second date with Todd. What else might she expect me to do while they were together? That was a bit scary. But I was also trying to guess how she might make me dress. Maybe in girls' short sleeve pajamas. Or even a transparent harem outfit. And those possibilities, I realized with both shame and exhilaration, were definitely not scary. They were simply... me.