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Samantha Chapter 1: Discovery So, this happened. I'm sitting in a quaint neighborhood bar with my friend Jamie, and this guy comes over. I'm expecting him to hit on Jamie because she's looking pretty adorable in her wrap dress and heeled sandals. I'm starring down at my rather nondescript ballet flats trying to avoid looking at him. "Samantha, meet Ben, an old school friend of mine," Jamie said as she poked me with her elbow. I tried to say 'hi', but I was too terrified. Ben was now sitting right across the table from me, smiling (or is that a knowing smirk). I glance over at Jamie and she looks perfectly calm. So, perhaps this guy is not going to freak out and run screaming out of the bar (or worse). "I won't bite, Samantha," he said with a rather pleasant laugh, "let me get you a refresh. What are you drinking?" I weakly squeaked, "Chardonnay." Jamie gave me a little hug and said, "See, that wasn't so hard. Relax, enjoy!" I met Jamie about four months ago. She was one of my students. Wait, let me clarify that. This was my first job after grad school, a math instructor at a local junior college. I'm normally pretty shy but I was actually excited to be lecturing in a classroom. I'd grown up in a small town and while I was a really good student, and despite my shyness, I really excelled in group activities like team sports. Ok, ok, I was on the math team, the robotics team, and the debate team (captain of the first two, damn Emily Jonson beat me out for debate captain). After high school I went to a small liberal arts college nearby. Finally, I went to grad school at the university here in the city. On the first day of class, I introduced myself, "Good morning, my name is Sam Krueger. Please just call me Sam," And with that, I started talking a mile a minute, scribbling furiously on the white board. Guess I was more nervous than I realized because after twenty minutes, I saw that I'd written out enough equations to cover a week's worth of material. When I finally turned around, I saw sixteen people with glazed over eyes, sitting there silently. Then, a young woman sitting in the back, raised her and and said "Excuse me, but I am really lost. Can you help me understand what that equation says, how to interpret it?" Then several other hands shot up, all asking for help too. I started the class over, this time slowly and making sure everybody was keeping up. As the students were leaving, I asked the young woman, Jamie, to stop. "Thank you for pointing out that I'd confused everybody. Correct me if I'm wrong, but from the discussions afterwards, I got the sense that you really weren't lost, but you had realized everyone else was. Right?" "Well, maybe. Just want everyone, you, the other students to succeed." "Well, thank you again. A more competitive person would have let the other kids in the class fail," I suggested. "That's probably because I'm not exactly a 'kid'. I'm twenty-five. I just need this one math class because it's a prerequisite I need. For personal reasons, I dropped out of the university just short of getting my degree. I'm ready now to go back and finish." "If you wouldn't mind, can you continue to be, I'll call it, the class advocate? Keep me on track." "Of course." So Jamie, my star student, is a couple of years older than me. After the semester was over and she was no longer my student (or even enrolled at the junior college anymore), I asked her if we could continue our friendship. After moving to the city, I found it difficult to make friends, let alone date anyone. Thing is, I wasn't attracted to Jamie, I just loved her friendship and compassion. A couple of weeks ago now, I met her for coffee near the university where she had re-enrolled. It was the first time we'd met socially. I was telling her about my new classes and how I was much more confident the second time around. She fidgeted a bit with her coffee cup, bit her lip, and gave me a quizzical look before asking, "Can I give you one piece of very personal advise?" "Sure", I said, "what is it?" "Even if it might be embarrassing?" she asked. Now a bit nervous, I said, "Of course." "Don't wear a black bra under a light colored shirt. The class will be able to see it." And with that, my whole childhood flashed before my eyes. I'm sure I sat there silently for several minutes before I stood up, looked around, then motioned Jamie to move to a quiet booth in the back. As she slid into the booth, she immediately started talking. "Please do not apologize, make up excuses, be embarrassed, or diminish yourself. Trust me! I really, really will understand." "When did you notice that I was ..." "The first day of class, when you thanked me. You'd taken off your sweater just before class ended. And there was one other time in your office when I could see a white lace strap peeking out by your collar. By the way, white or nude are good choices. I'd love to see your white one, it looked cute." "So, right now I would guess you are building up the courage to tell me lots of things. Sit tight, I'll get us two more coffees and then you can get everything off your chest. Get it? 'Off your chest', a little humor between friends!" Over the next hour, I told her how my attraction to female clothing (actually, not just clothing, but most things encompassing femininity) started at a very early age (surprise), around six or seven. My first recollection was going to church and sitting behind a teenage girl. I was mesmerized by her high heels. I'm afraid my religious parents thought I was looking forward to Sunday because I enjoyed church. What I enjoyed was seeing what this girl was wearing each week. Of course eventually I began sneaking into mom's closet and trying on her shoes and dresses (disappointingly, not very stylish). At least because I remained on the small size, I could fit into most of her things until I left for college. Without access to mom's closet and having a roommate at school, my dressing went on hiatus, but not my constant thoughts about how different, even better, it would be if I was actually female. Then my senior year I had a single dorm room. My first credit card and an Amazon Prime account resulted in finally having clothes that were mine. I discovered that I felt more at ease, more comfortable wearing them. I got used to studying while dressed because I seemed to concentrate better. I also ordered some makeup but I was terrified that I might leave on a trace. Going to grad school in a large city was liberating to an extant. At least I finally came to realize that my 'behavior' was not that odd, especially here. That years ago I should have Googled a few things related to my feelings and maybe say something to somebody, ask for help. My apartment is on the tenth floor, and years of fear meant I was still afraid to go out dressed the way I wanted because I couldn't handle the thought of being in the elevator with anyone. I finally got to telling Jamie why I was wearing lingerie under my clothes that day. The night before my last final in grad school, I studied late into the night and ended up falling asleep wearing a bra and panties. In the morning, I was so nervous about the exam, I decided to leave them on to relax me. Later, I aced the exam. I was so nervous before my first day of teaching that I instinctively put on the same bra and panties for luck. Guess they didn't help me as much that day as I'd hoped. Jamie smiled and reached over and held my hand. "Thank you for sharing that with me. In a way, that was a very female thing for you to do. You've needed a BFF to talk to your whole life. Now you have one. Of course that obligates you to listen to me, let me share my feelings and problems with you. Ok?" I nodded yes and cried. This afternoon, I brought a lot of my things over to Jamie's place and I got dressed. I decided on something that wouldn't draw attention, a simple shift dress and plain black ballet flats. I had agreed to actually go out with Jamie to a nearby bar. We were going to walk the two blocks, have a drink, and come back, so I didn't want to try walking that far in the stilettos I wear around my apartment. Jamie did my makeup. My earlier attempts always made me look like a five year old playing with her mom's makeup, way too much mascara and blush. Jamie inspected my collection of cosmetics, laughed a little, shook her head no, and pushed them aside. When she had finished (using her personal makeup) I was shaken. I looked like the teenage girl from my childhood. Well, that's how I imagined it. But in reality, I was almost an attractive young woman. Except for my hair. It's longish, think Albert Einstein, but younger. Jamie called it 'geek chic', but not suitable for a woman. She tried to style it but eventually gave up. "Ok, girl, you are going to grow this out. I'm sending you home with a bottle of my fave conditioner. Use it!. In the meantime, I'll go get one of my old wigs for tonight. While she was getting the wig, I just stared at my self in the mirror. When she returned she had a shoulder length dark blonde wig and a wig cap. Moments later I was even more stunned at the transformation. All I could think was "This is how I always thought I should look, how I wanted to look," However, I said that out loud. Jamie just smiled, gave me a little kiss on the cheek and said, "I know, I know." "I want to be able to do my makeup just like this. Can you write down everything, give me lessons?" "Sure. But for now, maybe this will help." She took out her phone and texted me a URL. "I've played around making a few YouTube videos. Most are from a few years ago, but they cover pretty much how I did your makeup. Very everyday type looks." "I'm going go get ready myself. You relax and here," she said as she tossed a purse to me, "put the lipstick, compact, your ID, bank card in this." While I waited for her, I took a look at her YouTube site. There were a few from a year oor two ago. The rest looked like they were from when Jamie was in high school. While I was looking at one, Jamie looked over my shoulder. "Surprised?" "Yes, but maybe not really in retrospect. You've been so supportive and caring, I was thinking that you had a transgendered brother or friend. That it's yourself is a happy surprise. Thank you for trusting me." "We are BFFs after all. My experiences are similar to your early ones, but I decided early on that I was a girl and told my parents that. I was lucky they were supportive. I had some rough times emotionally in college when I dropped out. But there's lots of time to talk about that later. This is your first time out, so tonight is about you!" We walked to the bar down the street. By the time we got there, I was totally on an emotional high, a confident young woman out on the town for the first time in her life. That is until Ben sat down. Chapter 2: Exploration "I asked Ben to meet us here. Sorry I didn't tell you, but even you would admit that you would have chickened out if you knew. I've known him since grade school. He's the first person I told about thinking I was a girl, even before my parents. Besides, having a guy sitting with us will deter any unwanted attention. Safety first." When Ben returned with my glass of wine, I thanked him him profusely, told him how nice he was, went on and on about how wonderful Jamie was..., basically I was doing the same thing I did that first day teaching, babbling nervously. "Slow down!" Jamie admonished me. "Take a deep breath." "No, no, I think she is being adorable," Ben said. Adorable?! A guy called me adorable. My first time out in public as a woman and I get complemented by a man. How does one process that? I think I actually blushed. I wasn't embarrassed, if anything, I think I was a little aroused. Wait, what does that mean? I've only had a few sexual experiences. A couple of girls in college and once, while studying with a classmate, a boy. We'd studied late, then had a beer. Sitting next to me, he leaned over and kissed me. I didn't stop him. I let him reach into my pants and play with my cock. After just a minute or two he stopped, asked me to forgive him, and quickly left. I wasn't upset or anything. Three sexual experiences didn't give me enough data to draw any conclusions. Tentatively, I assumed I might be bi. Now I'm sitting here looking at Ben and wondering if I might actually be a straight woman. The three of us chatted for about an hour. Actually, it was mostly Ben and me. Turns out he works as a consulting economist. When he learned that I was a mathematician, we talked about economic modeling. I think Jamie might have anticipated this because she had pulled one of her text books out of her bag. Every so often I'd catch her looking up from her book at us, smile, roll hers eyes, and then go back to reading. Since it was getting pretty dark out, Ben insisted on walking us back to Jamie's place. Jamie and Ben gave each other a long hug and a kiss on the cheek. I could hear Ben quietly tell Jamie, "We need to stay in better touch now that you're back here, promise?" Jamie nodded yes and gave him another hug and whispered "Thanks for coming tonight." "Thank you for asking. And you young lady," said Ben, turning to me, "you are delightful. I rarely get the opportunity to talk economic theory with someone who understands. I can't tell you how many dates I've been on where they just pretend they're interested in what I do for a living," With that he gave me a hug and reminded me, "You have my email and phone number, use them please, let me know how you are doing." After we shut the door behind us, Jamie turned and asked, "So this evening out, everything you hoped for?" "Oh yes! Can we do it again?" "Sure, just don't expect me to produce a charming childhood friend every time. My supply is already exhausted." "Ok. Speaking of which, is there something between you and Ben? I mean romantically." "Ben and me? No, no." "Really, you're sure? He seems very protective of you." "Really, I'm sure! Not that we didn't explore it once." I grabbed her hand and pulled her over to the couch. "Sit, tell me everything." "Oh, ok. We hadn't seen each other in over a year, what with Ben away at college. When he came back here for the holidays and stopped by my parent's house he wasn't prepared for how much I'd changed. The hormones had really started to work, boobs were quite apparent, my hair was much longer, sexier clothes, heels. Clearly no resemblance to the little boy down the street that he used to play with." "We went up to my bedroom to talk. It only took about thirty seconds before we were all over each other, kissing, tongues licking, hands exploring. Right after he pulled a dress strap down and slipped my boob out and began sucking on it, I reached into his pants and grabbed his cock. I looked down at his cock. He looked at my exposed boob. We broke out laughing. That's it, our two minute affair." "Are you asking because you are interested in Ben?" "I guess, maybe. It was probably just the excitement of being out, but I did kind of feel an attraction. But I know he probably didn't, he was just being nice because he is, well, nice." Jamie looked at me thoughtfully. "If you want to know if he could ever be attracted to a transgender woman or however you finally decide to classify yourself, I don't know for sure. We used to play this game in high school where he would point out guys who he thought I'd like. Then I would point out girls for him. But sometimes he'd turn up his nose and tell me the boy he'd picked was much cuter and if I didn't want him then maybe he did. I used to suspected he might be gay, but then I only saw him date girls. Right now it's a moot point since he will likely be out of town for the next six month on a contract." "Well maybe by then I'll look so different that he won't be able to keep his hands off me." "This sounds like a fun project. Like Pygmalion, you can be my Eliza Doolittle," Jamie giggled. We agreed to have a girls' night (or girls' day) at least a couple of times a month. I promised also to get out of my apartment once a week. Jamie gave a list of safe places and activities to explore on my own. It was getting late, so I gathered my stuff together. I was just about return the wig when Jamie said, "Keep it, it looks better on you than it ever did on me. I'll see if I can find the other ones I have, probably still packed away after my last move. I'll call you and set up our next outing. Drive safely!" In my excitement, I completely forgot that I was still in a dress, still wearing makeup, and that I had a daunting ride up the elevator to my apartment. Well, if I'm going to keep my promise to Jamie, I'm going to have to conquer this fear sometime. Maybe no one will be in the building lobby. There is someone in the lobby. A guy that I've seen several times and lives on the floor above me is just entering the elevator. He turns around (why do people always have to face forward, is it some law or something). He sees me and holds the door open. I take a deep, calming breath, walk in, push the button for ten. At least people never talk in elevators. Everything will be fine. So he immediately starts talking. "Hi, I see you have a resident's key card. Haven't seen you around, you must be new here. And it looks like we're neighbors. My name's Jason, I'm on eleven." I glance at elevator panel and we're only up to the third floor, I'm going to have to say something. "Oh, hi. I've been here for a month so." One month, two years, close enough, a rounding error I think to myself. "Well, welcome. You should try the amenities here, the pool is great." "Thanks for the suggestion. I will." Finally the doors open on ten. I just step out and Jason says, "I didn't catch your name." "Ah, right, it's Samantha." As I walk down the hallway, I start calculating the probability that Jason will figure out that Samantha on ten is also Sam on ten. Chapter 3: Support By far, my favorite places on the list were ones where shopping was involved. Especially some of the consignment shops. Jamie gave me the names of people to ask for, who would treat me well, would give me their honest opinion, and help put outfits together. Once my closet was full (as was my credit card), I decided to tackle item number one on the list, go to a transgender support group meeting. Jamie had written down the contact number for Andrea, the group leader. When I called I found out that Jamie had already alerted her. She explained that the group had about twenty members, but for any given meeting there was usually around ten or twelve. She said the group has been looking for a permanent place to meet. I nearly passed out when she told me the next meeting will be at a really central location with lots of parking, the junior college where I teach! To be clear Andrea doesn't know that, so when she heard silence on the line, she might have thought I didn't understand her. "Ahh, yes, I think I know where that is." "Good, look forward to meeting you." The meeting was on a Sunday. The school lets different civic groups use empty classrooms on the weekends. I dressed very casually. Andrea said I could dress however I wanted. She said some members will come in "boy mode" while others have been known to arrive in a cocktail dress and heels. I went with jeans, layered top, and low heeled sandals (just had a pedicure and wanted to show off my pretty toes). I also didn't bother with the wig. The conditioner was working wonders and my hair was in a rather acceptable bob. The room was in a different wing of the building from mine, so I figured there was a minuscule chance of running into anyone who knew me. There were twelve girls already seated in a circle. All were dressed similar to me, except one in "boy mode" and one in a skirt, blazer, and sling back pumps. I took a chair right next to the door. Andrea was in the process of introducing two new members, myself and the girl in the skirt and heels when the door swung open. In walked the junior college administrator on duty this weekend to welcome the group and to see if the facilities were ok and to remind Andrea to lock the door when leaving. With that the administrator turned to leave. Oh, I haven't mentioned yet that the administrator was Dr. Allison Jenkins, head of the math department and my boss. I tried desperately not to look at her, but she slowed her walk as she passed by me, clearly looking at my name tag (which of course had my full name, Samantha Krueger). I couldn't stop myself from looking up and shrugging my shoulders. I didn't see her response as she continued walking right out through the door. For the next hour and a half there were wonderful discussions, loaded with valuable information. At least I think that's what happened. I spent most of the time rewriting my resume in my head, trying to decide what other careers I might be good at. I was thinking I would email Ben and get his advise about finding something where I could work from home. Programming seemed like the best option. I had experience from my robotics team (even though that was in high school) and I did take a couple of computer science classes in college. Also took a seminar on machine learning in grad school. Yep, that's what I'll do. I just wish I hadn't maxed out my credit card on clothes. Did I really need to spend $175 on a pair of peep toe pumps, regardless of how cute they were? And what about all that lingerie? Who's going to see it? I mean, I've never even had a date with a guy yet! As I was having that last thought, I realized that the group was just finishing a discussion on transitioning at work. Why didn't I pay attention? Maybe I could have used that information when Allison fires me. When the meeting ended, Andrea came over and asked, "How are you doing? You were pretty quiet. It can be overwhelming the first time, so I hope you'll come back," I assured her I would (I'll need all the networking connections I can get). With that, I summoned all the courage I could muster and headed to Allison's office to meet my fate. I knocked on her door and pushed it open. "Oh, hi Samantha, I was expecting you. Come, sit down." She was smiling. And she called me Samantha. Ok, wasn't expecting her to be that cheerful, she's never talked that nicely to me before. "How was your group meeting? Looked like there was a good turnout. I hope the classroom was adequate, all of the conference rooms were taken." "Umm, ok, I'm sorry, you're... I'm totally confused. Are you firing me?" "Listen, no, I am not firing you! Absolutely not. Let's see," she said while checking her calendar, "you're scheduled for your performance review next week. Let's cancel that and do it right now. Is that ok with you?" All I could do was nodded yes. "Great, here, I already have your evaluation done. You can read it later, I'll just cover the most important parts. Samantha, I assume that's your preferred name, were you aware that you have the highest teacher rating from the students? That your classes are the most popular in the math department?" Stunned, all I could do was shake my head no. "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find good instructors like you? Someone who knows the subject matter and knows how to teach?" "Now, to be honest, I have observed over the last couple of months that your appearance has been slowly changing. You might be surprised to know that a few of your current students came to see me about you. They were worried. First that you were ok, and second that you were still going to be their teacher. If I hadn't seen you in the support group today, I was going to suggest it during your review." "I don't know what to say. Thank you doesn't seem to be enough," I said with a tear in my eye. "Well, we do have a few things to clarify and plan for going forward. First, the school has a firm policies on equality, meaning, if you elect to transition, we will completely support you. We just ask that you that you keep us, actually me, informed of anything that might affect your students. So, when you want to start wearing female clothing, I'd like to send a note to your students and our staff. Or if you prefer, you can tell them first. I'm sure they'd appreciate it. Second, now that I think about, we still have a dress code for women. If I remember, it calls for knee length skirts or dresses, pantyhose (nude or tan), and heels. I don't think it's been enforced since the 1980s, so let's not worry about it. Third, I was going to offer your support group a permanent invitation. As long as you are attending, can you take over the administrator duties from me? I'll pay you extra." I walked out her office with a glowing review, a raise, extra paid duties, a promise to support me, and a brochure on upcoming conferences for women in STEM. Chapter 4: Progressions I brought takeout over to Jamie's the next evening so that we could talk about the previous day's events. She was literally floored when I got to the part in Allison's office. Yes, literally, because we were eating while sitting on the floor and she lost her balance and fell over backwards laughing. Even though due to my paranoia, I missed hearing most of the information during the meeting, I did learn something very valuable from a pamphlet they handed out. Because Jamie was still underage when she started on HRT, she had to have approval from a therapist. I had assumed I would have to do the same. Turns out I live in an informed consent state. I can get hormones from a clinic as long as I am healthy and an adult. I asked Jamie her opinion and she said as long as I promised to see a doctor, be regularly checked, she had no qualms and she'd be there for me. So, last week, the start of summer break, I started on HRT. I have no classes during the break, so I decided not to waste all the thought I erroneously put into a new career, and take on a little contract work at home. I also informed the school that I would be returning in the fall as Samantha. I jokingly asked if they could look into enforcing the dress code so that I wouldn't be the only instructor wearing high heels and a dress. Who knew the administration had a sense of humor, because they nonchalantly replied that because of gender equality rules, the male instructors would then also be required to wear heels and a dress. Did I really want to see Max, our 280 lb welding instructor in a dress and where would he ever find size 16 pumps? I've been considering moving to a new apartment but I like this place. Despite my reticence about elevator rides, I am getting used to navigating it as Samantha. Turns out, except for Jason on eleven, everyone else just looks at their cell phones. Not only do they ignore Samantha, they also ignore Sam too (I don't think this is a step towards gender equality however). Speaking of Jason, my probability calculation was off. It took until last week when I ran into him as Sam on my way into the building. By now my hair was shoulder length and I was wearing it in a ponytail (absolutely refused to put it in a man bun as Jamie teasingly suggested). I also had taken to wearing a clear top coat on my nails to keep them from chipping, and I've lost weight (finally eating better, mostly because Jamie always seems to serve salads). We rode up the elevator together. When I got off on ten he said, "See you later Sama... Sam." About two hours later I was fully at ease with myself again. I'd taken a nice long bath with scented oils, shaved my legs, washed and conditioned my hair, blow dried and styled it. I was planning on going out to a gay and lesbian bar on Jamie's safe list. I'd been there once before with Jamie and had fun just chatting with people. I did my nails in a light blue. I wasn't sure about the color once I had it on, but I did such a professional looking job, I was loathe to change it. I was also quite proud of my makeup. After watching Jamie's videos so many times I could repeat her banter by heart as I applied concealer, foundation, mascara, eye shadow, lipstick. I still need practice on my brows (I have an appointment next week to have them shaped, that will help a lot). I put on a rather short dress with a flared skirt. After slipping on my expensive peep toe pumps (still working working on that credit card balance), I loaded up my purse. I went to check my lipstick after leaving a smudge on a glass of water I was sipping on. I had just finished fixing my lips when there was a knock on my door. I had a pretty good idea who it was, having redone my probability calculation with additional data. Through the peep hole, there was Jason. I could just ignore the knock and wait until he leaves. But what's the point of that, I'm almost full time and already on hormones. Besides, I look really hot tonight. "Just a minute, I'll be right there," I yelled as I grabbed my purse, ran to the bathroom, threw a few condoms in and ran back to the door and opened it. "Hi Jason, long time no see. What can I do for you?" I think I said that a bit too seductively. "Hi, I ahh, I wanted to apologize for not realizing that you were going through, ahh going to be a... I'm sorry, I really don't know you and we've been neighbors for, ahh." "Over two years, almost three years now." "Wow, I really am sorry. By the way, you look great. That dress looks amazing on you!" "Oh this old thing? Sorry, I've always wanted to say that. Thank you, I appreciate it. Would you like to come in?" "Oh, no, that's ok. It looks like you're on the way out on date." "I was just going to go out have a drink, listen to some music, but sadly, no date." "Where at? "Just this local gay and lesbian bar." "The 101 Cafe? "Yes, you know it?" "Been there a few times." "You're a lesbian?" "Ha! Funny but no. But not the other either. Pretty much undecided, sadly." "Since it's not news to you that I am transgendered, one week on hormones, yay for me, so no big surprise reveal, would you like to come along, we can catch up on those two, almost three years?" "Perfect, I'd like that. Want me to drive?" "That's ok, I'm a planning on being an independent woman, got my keys here." "Works for me, lead on." Turns out Jason is a pretty nice guy. We stayed at the bar for a couple of hours, listened to a singer in the lounge, gossiped about people in our building, even danced a little. I found out he's a graphic artist. I hated art class in school, he hated math. So in that respect, he's no Ben. On the other hand, Ben was aroused by my math skills, whereas Jason seems to be aroused by just me. When we got back to my apartment I asked him again if he wanted to come in. This time, no hesitation, he followed me in and shut the door behind us. As soon as I heard the door close, I turned around, put my arms around him, looked up and kissed him. "Sorry, but I am very a much a novice about this. I haven't figured out the whole sending subtle signals thing yet." "I'm not good at picking up on them. Blind leading the blind I guess. But I'm pretty sure I picked up on that one. But just to make sure, want to send it again?" "Happy to!" and I reached up and pulled his lips down onto mine. This time the kiss lasted for at least a half minute and involved exploring his warm lips, gently parting them and inserting my tongue into his waiting mouth." "Hmmm, that was very nice. I'd like to explore this further, see what other signals you know. But, are you sure your are ready for this?" he asked. I thought for a moment, Jamie had warned me about 'chasers', guys only interested in you because you're trans. But Jason didn't fit the mold. He knocked on my door because he was being a good neighbor, and I asked him out. So, "Yes", I whispered in his ear, "just be patient and help me, help us, enjoy this." I took his hand and led him to my bedroom. "Too feminine for you?" I asked as swept my arm around, gesturing at the overtly pink and lace decor. "I expected nothing less," Jason laughed as he sat on the edge of my bed. My bed! Wait, what sheets did I put on this morning? Surely not the "Frozen" ones Jamie gave me as a joke when I insisted on watching the movie twice one night. I can't have sex on top of Elsa! Nope, we're ok, pretty sure I put on the new ones from Pottery Barn. I sat next to him and we began kissing again. Really, really passionate kissing. I laid back, our lips pressed tightly together as he rolled over on top of me. I could feel his cock pushing on mine, both getting aroused. I wrapped a leg around him, pulling him even more tightly against me. After several minutes, he rolled me over and I straddled him, trying to grind myself on him. He slowly lifted my skirt, exposing my black lace panties, my hardening cock trying to escape from it's silky enclosure. I reached down and unzipped his pants and placed my hand on his shorts, his hard, throbbing cock hidden from me by a thin layer of cotton. Jason pulled down the band of my panties, exposing just the sensitive tip of my penis. He moistened his finger and began to gently massage it. I watched him intently as he rhythmically rubbed me. It was as if he was treating it like it was my clit. No, that's exactly what he is doing! He's making love to a woman. If I had any remaining doubts about myself, they were all erased at that moment. "That feels fucking amazing, please don't stop!" Jason just nodded knowingly. I rolled back onto my back, pulled the hem of my dress up to my waist, spread my legs. Jason didn't miss a beat, his finger almost in constant contact with my swollen penis. He kissed me again as I began to moan. Spasms ran up my spine. I wrapped my arms around Jason's neck and screamed as I exploded cum all over my tummy. Jason pulled my panties off completely and gently licked my cock clean and then my tummy. When he finished, I pulled his lips, with traces of my cum on them, onto my eager lips. "Is that what I taste like? Can I taste you?" I stood up, pulled my dress off over my head, and kicked off my heels. I hesitated momentarily before removing my bra, my last article of clothing, because of my lack of boobs. But the way Jason was staring at me while hurriedly taking off his clothes I decided that if he obviously didn't care, neither should I. Standing naked in front of him, I slowly threw my hair back, then knelt down, taking his cock in my hand. He took a small step backwards and sat back down on the bed. I licked my other hand and added it to his cock and then slowly started to stroke them up and down. After several minutes of getting the feel of his cock, studying every inch, I intensified my stroking. Jason moaned and laid back on the bed. His cock started to get slippery as pre-cum dripped down his shaft. I leaned in and placed the tip of my tongue on the tip of his cock, tasting him for the first time. I wanted more. I parted my lips and gently placed a kiss on his hard cock. Then I opened my mouth, allowing him to thrust his hips forward, pushing his cock deep into my mouth. We took turns, he'd steady my head and fuck my mouth, then I'd grab his cock and jerk it with one hand while holding the head tightly in my mouth, my tongue licking the underside of his shaft. Finally, Jason arched his back and screamed, "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck!" and filled my mouth with his cum. To be honest it was more than I could handle. Most of it started dripping out of my mouth onto my chin, then down my chest (good thing I took my bra off), thinking someday I'll have breasts to catch it. But I did enjoy the taste of him, swallowing what remained in my mouth. We cuddled for awhile on the bed. Actually for quite awhile. I really was expecting him to leave after he came, like most guys would do. But he hung around and we chatted about how fantastic the sex had been. Then I strongly hinted that I wouldn't mind trying that again, maybe try those condoms that I keep carrying in my purse. I actually said that to him, I told him I carried condoms. Then I panicked a bit and quickly clarified it was for safety, not that I had any ambition to be a slut. I can't believe I just used the word 'slut'. I'm doing it again, I'm starting to babble. I think I am really attracted to Jason. Before I ruined everything by opening my mouth again, I went to my closet and put on a robe while Jason got dressed. "How about I call you and we make a date, so we don't have to sadly go out solo. How about the traditional dinner and a play or movie?" "I'd like that," I said and we exchanged a good night kiss at the door. I returned to my bedroom, took out my nighty, and pulled back the covers on my bed. "Shit!" I said to myself. I did put the "Frozen" sheets on this morning. Sorry Elsa! Chapter 5: Transgressions Around midsummer, on a Saturday afternoon, I was sitting with Jamie on the small patio of her apartment. Our Pygmalion plan of making me irresistible to Ben was mostly a thing of the past. First, since Ben was still working thousands of miles from here, the plan had no immediacy. Second, I had pretty much accomplished most of the plan goals when I made myself irresistible to Jason. Third, for some reason Jamie's heart didn't seem to be in it. She was busy taking the last two classes she need to graduate. As one of her former teachers and also her BFF, I was very proud her. She was getting a degree in biological science, and planning on applying to med school. I thought she was handling the stress well. But lately she'd become overly passive, not interested in going out. She told me that I was doing so well this early in my transition, that I should be more independent, and besides, I had Jason to go out with. I wish I knew what was wrong. I'd tried several time to talk about why she had dropped out of school, but she kept on deflecting the question. I didn't know anything about depression, but I think that's what it was. And that made me worried. Very worried. I was determined to get her to talk today. "Ok, this has to stop! You are going to tell me what's bothering you. I am not leaving until you do. You are the most important person in my life and I am worried sick." She sat and looked at me, her eyes moistened. "Ok, last week I was at the mall and saw Evan." "Who is he?" "The boy I loved." "Is he the boyfriend you had in college? You once mentioned you didn't have your first boyfriend until college." "First and last. Yes, Evan was the boyfriend." "Did he dump you? Are you still pining for him?" "No and no. I could handle being dumped. But not what he did to me." I poured her some more wine. She took a small sip and wiped away a tear. "We met in a sophomore chemistry class. I was well into transition. I had accomplished everything except GCS. I hadn't decided whether I as going to have it or not. Ever since I enrolled, I had been going stealth, not telling anyone I was trans. Evan was the first. I told him on our fourth date, having avoided any sexual contact until then. Evan said he was 'cool with it'. Sadly, I think he really was. We dated and had sex well into our junior year." "Then he betrayed me. We went to a party at one of the frat houses. He wasn't a member but apparently a family friend was. About a half hour after we got there, this friend came over and asked if I was having a good time and whether I'd seen the patio in back yet. Then he volunteered to show me. He escorted me towards the patio but stopped in the middle of the room. Several of his frat brothers grabbed me. They pulled my dress up and pulled down my panties. Evan didn't do a thing. He just stood there and laughed with every one else. Not quite everyone, five or six girls ran to me, forced the frat boys to release me and escorted me out of the building and drove me back to my dorm." "I packed everything I had, called a cab, and left. The only thing I ever heard from Evan was a text trying to apologize for this friend knowing that I was trans. He didn't give me a reason he did it or apologize for laughing and not coming to my rescue." "I went back to my parent's house and cried for a week. My parents contacted the university and threatened a lawsuit. I heard that several students were expelled after a video was sent anonymously to the administration. I don't know if Evan was one of them or not." "The trauma solidified my decision to get GCS. My parents called Ben and told him what happened to me. He immediately flew home and helped me recover mentally. He also made a trip back to help me recover from my surgery. Besides my parents and Ben, you are the only other person that knows." I had to wipe away my tears before I could speak. "I am so sorry this happened to you. Now I understand why Ben is so protective of you and why you try to protect me. Is this why I've never seen you even go out on a date?" "Yes, and I suppose It's why I've been feeling sorry for myself when I hear you talk about Jason." "I'm so stupid, why didn't I see that I was upsetting you?" "It's not your fault, I meant to confide in you earlier, but didn't want to say anything that might affect your first experiences dating because mine turned out to be such a disaster." "So where did you see this awful Evan person, did you confront him?" "He was working at the coffee shop at the mall. I saw him as I walked by. We made eye contact, and he quickly turned away. Just that moment was enough to make me feel abused again." "He's serving coffee in a mall and you're headed for med school. They do say that success is the sweetest revenge." Jamie laughed for the first time in days. "Thanks, trust a mathematician to see that angle. No wonder I love you." "It's good to see you smile again. I don't expect you to forget what happened to you. I know I never would be able to. But what about getting some closure, someway to reduce the chances it sends you into depression again?" "I guess. Any suggestions?" "I'll work on it, promise!" When I got back to my apartment, I immediately called Ben. I decided that I wouldn't ok this with Jamie. Clearly, this was one of those 'easier to apologize than ask permission' situations. As soon as I finished explaining what was happening with Jamie, Ben was making a reservation on the first available flight back here. Late next morning an Uber was dropping him off at my apartment building. After buzzing him in, he came up to the tenth floor where I was waiting by the elevator doors. I must say he looked a little surprised when he saw me. "Wow, have you ever blossomed!" Come on now, who says things like that? Ben is so disarmingly charming it's scary. "I bet you say that to all the girls." "Just the special ones." I decided that was enough repartee and wrapped my arms around him, hugged him and thanked him for coming, for being Jamie's knight in shining armor. I only said the "thank you" part out loud, but the "knight" part was what I saw in my mind. While I have a two bedroom apartment, the guest bedroom was so full of useless crap (what I call all of my boy clothes) that it took me most of the morning to clean it. Ben agreed to stay with me and I agreed not to jump his bones. It was one of those nonverbal agreements. There was a verbal agreement, but it was with Jason. Can't have my boyfriend jealous, so I gave him a heads up that Ben was coming. Now Jason hasn't met Jamie yet, but I've told so much about her, about Ben, about all my thoughts and desires, about... Come to think of it, for a shy person I've become quite a chatterbox. It's got to be the hormones. Yes, they must be working! After Ben had a chance to get settled, we sat down and talked. I have been harboring a suspicion since that first time I met Ben in that bar. Despite Jamie's denial of anything romantic between them, the more I heard about Ben always being there for her, even just the way she says "Ben" (for a one syllable name, she has away of singing it, if that's even possible), there just has to be more to this relationship. "Would you mind if I asked you about something personal that Jamie shared with me?" "Maybe, depends, go on." "That first night we met, I had kind of a crush on you." "Yeh, Jamie told me." "She didn't tell me she told you! Well, ok, I would've done that too," I had to sheepishly reply. "Let's not forget you jilted me for some smooth talking graphic artist." "You know, one of these times you're going to have to let me have the last word." "Go on with your question." "Well, because of my very, very, very short term crush, I asked if you two were an item, romantically speaking, because I wasn't going to throw myself at you if there was. She then told me about your, sorry, but she called it a two minute affair. That you tried sex but you both broke out laughing." "Ok, stop there. I don't think you want to hear what really happened." "If it will help Jamie, yes, I need to know. I'm so worried about her!" "Ok then. I assume she told you that we laughed when she saw herself holding ahh, my ahh, penis." "She said cock, but that's about it." "Actually she was fine at that point, even started giving me a hand job, while I was.." "Licking her boob, is what she said." "Boob sounds about right. Anyway, I started to undress her. When she just had on her bra and panties, I reached down with the intent to give her, not a hand job, just do something to give her some pleasure. I was trying to be playful because it was, let's say a unique situation. I think I made some stupid humming sound or something, but not laughing, then I told her that I was in love with her. That's when she suddenly, I guess panicked. She said stop laughing at me, and said some untrue, even momentarily hurtful things. For some reason she thought I was gay, that I only was interested in her because she was really just a boy. No matter how much I assured that I was only attracted to girls and that for her information, I never thought of her as anything other than a girl. Even before she told me when we were kids that she wanted to be a girl, I thought she was a girl." "Then she totally went the other direction, yelling that I can't love her because she's not really a girl. Finally she calmed down and just cried in my arms. I wrapped a blanket around us to keep her warm. We spent the night that way." "In the morning we sat there and talked for, I don't know how long. Her mom came by and brought us some coffee and donuts. She asked if everything was ok, we nodded yes, and she left. I love her parents." "So, in the end we agreed to forget about everything said. Blamed it on immaturity, we were still teenagers after all, not quite twenty yet, lots of mixed up hormones, hers and mine. Most importantly, agreed that we were still friends forever." "Believe it or not, I was actually happy for Jamie when she found Evan. In all of her emails to me, she sounded like she had become a young woman with goals and a future." "Of course, then disaster struck." "You are still in love with her!l "Of course I am." Chapter 6: Resolutions For two reasonably intelligent people, Ben and I were having difficulty coming up with a good way for Jamie to get closure and move on with her life. Seems that mathematicians make lousy therapists. We kept thinking that she should confront Evan and destroy him in public. But Jamie is just too kind a person to do that. We both thought though if only we knew why Evan betrayed her, maybe we could find a way for her to come to terms with it. To realize that she was a victim and that the Evans and the frat boys of the world are not worth shit. So we headed for the mall (hoping that Evan was working). I was going to talk him while Ben watched my back. We found the coffee shop (luckily there is only one in the mall) and discreetly looked at the the name tags of the three male workers. The rather short and meek looking one was Evan. How did Jamie ever hook up with this guy when she could have had Ben? Maybe she has some self worth issues that I was too blind to see. That gave me some ideas right there. Again my shyness trait was no where to be found. I went up to the counter, asked for Evan, sternly looked at him and said in my best authoritarian teacher voice, "I am a friend of Jamie, your old girlfriend. Take your break now and meet me at that table by the window!." He tapped a coworker on the arm and said, "Cover for me for a while, I need to take care of a few things for this lady," I turned and took a look at Ben sitting by the door, smiling and giving me a thumbs up. I sat down at the table. Evan followed and sat across from me. He spoke first. "I saw her the other day. Is she ok?" "No! No she is not!" I had to restrain my self from screaming. Then I saw tears welling in his eyes. His mouth was quivering. "I'm so ashamed of myself for taking her to that party, ashamed of my brother for what he has done to women." He handed me a hand written letter that he had carried with him. "Please give this to her. She blocked me and I didn't know where she was. I've been hoping for years to be able to explain. I've been carrying this with me just in case I ever had the chance." "Wait, what do you mean 'my brother', you mean the frat guy you told that Jamie was trans?" "My bully of an older brother was the frat guy. I hated letting people know he was my brother, just referring to him as a family friend. When he learned that I had a girlfriend for the first time in my life and that we were, his words 'doing it', he started being nicer to me, like it was some male bonding thing. When he invited us to this big fraternity party, I thought it was a great chance for us to socialize with the so called in crowd. How stupid was that?" "Then why, why did you tell someone like him that Jamie was trans?" I almost cried. "I didn't! You've got to believe me. Jamie needs to know that I would never have betrayed her trust." Evan was in tears. I was starting to feel sorry for him. I glanced at Ben. He shrugged his shoulders, not knowing what to think himself. "Ok, why should I believe you?" I asked. "This is hard for me because it was my fault that my brother found out, it was due to my carelessness. Some time during the summer when he and I were back home, he used my computer," Evan shielded his face with his hands, he was visibly angry with himself, slapping his cheeks. "I stupidly left my browser open to one of Jamie's makeup tutorials. I loved watching her. " "I didn't find that out until he confessed it to me later." This was becoming way more complicated than I expected. I was expecting Evan to be some worthless jerk, not another tortured soul. I waved to Ben to come over. Evan remembered Ben's name and started apologizing to him. I gave Ben a quick recap and told Evan to continue. "When my brother came and took Jamie I tried to follow, but a couple of his frat friends grabbed me tightly and told me to watch and enjoy. One held up a phone and started recording. The next minute was the worst of my life. I screamed and tried to get to her, but this guy was way to strong. I wasn't laughing, Jamie has to know that!. He didn't let me go until some girls had gotten Jamie out of the house." "The guy with the phone started to put it in his pocket. I hit him as hard as I could. He dropped the phone. I picked it up and ran as fast as I could. I could hear my brother yelling for somebody to get me. I guess there were enough decent kids there because most of the crowd started to leave at once, giving me a chance to escape. I heard kids saying that they were going to call for a boycott of the fraternity and other things like that." "I ran across campus, but by the time I got to Jamie's dorm, she was gone." "Were you the one who sent the video that resulted in the expulsions?" Ben asked. "Is that all you know about?" Evan asked. "That's all Jamie and her parents ever heard about," I said. "I didn't send the video to the school. I brought the phone to the police. When I went back to my dorm, I could see my brother waiting by the door. Luckily he didn't see me. I went to the library instead. I took out the phone and was going throw it in the trash until I realized it was my brother's phone and I knew his pass code. I was going to delete the video until I saw several others. The first frame of one of them had the image of a girl I recognized. The one that had been raped. I called the police. By brother was arrested. He's in prison. The police and school did identify the two guys that held onto Jamie. I never looked at the video, but apparently my brother was not visible. So those two were the only ones the school took action against and expelled. From what I was told, Jamie's parents declined to press charges against them to protect Jamie. That's all I know. It sounds like she and her parents didn't know about my brother." "Oh my!" I was stunned. "Are you ok?" Ben asked Evan. "I wish there had been a way that Jamie knew all of this earlier. You both have deserved better." "Honestly, this the most at peace I've felt since that night," Evan said. I hadn't noticed that one of the other employees, a young woman, was now standing nearby. "Is this Jamie?" she asked Evan. "No dear, this is a friend of hers. I'm sorry, I don't know your name." "I'm Samantha." "Samantha, and this is Ben, Jamie's oldest friend, right?" Ben nodded. "This is my wife, Maria. We own this place. Well, the bank owns it." Finally a little tension breaker. We updated Evan and his wife on Jamie, who I was, and why Ben and I were here. "We got what we came for," I said, holding Evan's letter in my hands. It was exquisitely written (Ben had read it and had tears in his eyes). "Would you and Maria like to see Jamie?" Evan had met Maria at a group therapy session. They have no secrets between them. I think Maria might be expecting, but I didn't ask of course. "Someday. I would like you and Ben to get her the closure she needs first. It would be really nice if we could become friends again. "So, what next?" Ben asked as we drove back to my apartment. "We need to get Jamie to come over." "Why don't we just go to her place?" "Because I don't think it should look like an intervention, what with you flying back. I think I should tell her, woman to woman," I actually have an ulterior motive I'm trying to work out in my mind. "That makes sense. Why don't you make up some crisis?" "Good idea. I'll call and tell her my hormones out of whack, that I can't stop crying!" "Why does it have to be a woman problem. Can't you just have car trouble or something?" "Let me do this my way, ok?" Hey, he gave me the last word! About an hour later, Jamie was on her way up the elevator. Ben was ensconced in my spare bedroom. I was still trying to work on a way to get some romantic sparks between her and Ben. That girl doesn't know what's good for her. Jamie sat there silently after I read Evan's letter (and after I apologized for going to confront him). She wasn't crying, she was calm. "Is he happy?" she finally asked. "Yes, I think he finally is. His wife is really nice, they look like a good couple" "Thank you so much." "Are you alright?" "Yes, I think I am. Yes, I am, I am at peace." I smiled, the same thing Evan said. "Do you think you can handle one more thing?" "Depends, what is it? "Not it. Him," I said as I opened the spare bedroom door. "Ben!" Jamie ran to him. They embraced." "Samantha, can you give Jamie and me few minutes alone?" I was too emotional to say anything, just nodded yes went to my bedroom. It gave me time to change the sheets. Just in case. About ten minutes later, Jamie was screaming and pounding on my door. "Samantha! Samantha! Open up!" I opened the door. Jamie was jumping up and down, waving her hand, the one with a huge diamond ring. "We're engaged! We're engaged!" Wow, that worked better than I thought. I wonder how long Ben has been carrying that ring around with him. "Ben wants to take us all out to dinner to celebrate. Call your Jason, we want him to come too." "Jason honey, can you quickly put on something nice and come down? You and I are going to go out with Jamie and Ben!" "You mean Jamie and Ben are actually real people, not figments of your imagination." "Jason, stop it! Just a second." "What did you say Jamie? Where did he make reservations?" "Ok Jason, put on something really nice, like with a tie and coat, Ben's paying." Jamie and I raided my closet, found my two sexiest dresses, and heels (had to stuff some tissue in the toes for Jamie, she's a size smaller), glammed up our makeup. By the time we were ready, Jason and Ben were chatting in my living room. "I see you've met Ben, Jason meet Jamie." We had a delightful time. The happiest I think four people can be. When the elevator reached the tenth floor, I tossed Ben my keys, whispered to Jamie, "Use my bedroom." I pushed pushed the button for eleven. By the time we got to Jason's apartment I had a text from Jamie. "Elsa?!"