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Admission Janet L. Stickney [email protected] So, I admit it. I have been dressing as a girl for almost as long as I can remember. So what? It doesn't hurt anyone, I bought all my own stuff, and while I dream of leaving the safety of my room, just once, so far, I haven't done that. The standard response from my buddies, when someone doesn't want to do something, (something that's usually stupid), is to call then "chicken, then goad the poor bastard into it. My friends do not know about Beth, the girl I become, and I really hope they never do. Besides, just calling me chicken wouldn't get it with them. It's already bad enough that I'm not quite a big as they are, and if they ever found out that I like to dress as a girl....well, it wouldn't be pleasant to say the very least! I put away my clothes, careful not to miss anything, then took a shower and got dressed in my normal uniform of jeans and a tee plus gym shoes. Mom was just putting away the groceries, so I helped, then started out the door, prepared to wash my car. I had just filled up the bucket and wet down the car when mom came out, sat on the porch, just watching me as I began to soap the car. As I later broke out the towels, mom handed me a soda, then asked me to sit with her. "The car looks very nice," she said, "you take very good care of your things. You always have." "Why not?" I asked. "I paid for it, and besides, it looks good when its clean." "Yes, it does," mom said, then showed me the article in the paper. I read it with growing concern, which culminated in duck bumps running down my back. When I was done, I handed it back to mom, saying nothing, until she told me to put my hand out, which I did, then she put my missing lipstick firmly in my palm. I said nothing of course, but mom knew that it wasn't hers, and since there were only the two of us, and I had not had any females guests, that left only one conclusion. It had to be mine. Mom handed me a towel and I quickly went to work on the car, working furiously, trying to put that lipstick out of my mind. An hour later I went in the house, didn't see mom, and popped open another soda. Sitting on the porch I sipped my drink, wondering where it was that mom found that stupid lipstick, but couldn't remember. About ten minutes later mom joined me, saying nothing at first, then... "It was under your dresser. I found it when I moved it to vacuum." Again, I said nothing. "Since I know that you have not taken a girl to your room, maybe you'd like to tell me how it got there?" Saying nothing, I shrugged my shoulders. "It's a very nice color, and would look very nice on someone with your skin coloring, and it does compliment that nail polish you have in the closet, and together, why, I'll bet that they would look just darling with the pink dress you have in the plastic suit bag." If mom had found all of my stuff, why was she so calm? I expected her to tear more than a few stripes off my butt if she ever found out about my...hobby! I didn't even look at her, trying very hard to act nonchalant, afraid that my face would show just how concerned I was. But, mom went in the house, leaving me to wonder what the hell was going on, besides having my carefully crafted masculine image shattered I mean. I couldn't admit anything, that was impossible, yet I had no idea how I was going to try and explain having those clothes, and doubted that I could make mom believe me, even if I did come up with a really good excuse! I went to my room, shut the door, and turned on the computer. I decided to visit some of my favorite sites on the web. The rest of the day went by quickly, with mom remaining silent about what she had found in my room. The next morning at breakfast however, mom asked me, right out, how often I got dressed up, and how did I look? Just how she thought I would answer her is beyond me. One, I wasn't about to admit anything, and two, I looked, at best, like one of the ugly stepsisters, or maybe Alice in Wonderland on LSD. No way was she going to get me to answer that! "You read that article, right?" "Yeah, you gave it to me, why?" I said. "Then you should know what I'm going to suggest." "No!" I said quickly, a bit more emphatically than I actually meant. "But it'll be fun, and you'll be able to look your very best!" "No mother. You're assuming that I like to dress as a girl. Can you imagine what I would look like?" "In a way, yes, I can," mom said with a smile, "but I'm sure that YOU already know what you look like. All I'm saying is that if you want to try it, I'll help you get ready, and I'm willing to bet that between us, you'll look just wonderful." Mom, referring to the article that I had read just the day before, was now making an offer to help me! The article was all about an old woman that had died recently, but after she died, it was discovered that she was not a woman, but a man! She had been a leader in the community, well known, and well respected by everyone for as long as anyone could remember! In her will she made provisions for full scholarships to any college in the country, for any male in our city between the ages of 14 and 18 that was willing to apply. The hitch was of course that said male would have to live as a female for five years. Nothing more was required. No surgery, no pills, no hair removal, nothing. Five years would mean that I would be 21, which would be right in the middle of my college career, which wouldn't be good, especially if I was registered as a girl. Then of course, I would have to appear dressed just to apply, and that meant that I would have to leave the house, and I wasn't going to do that. The woman that died was 98, and nobody living could remember when she wasn't a woman, which meant that she had started dressing as a girl almost at the start of the 1920's, at the latest. She had married well, had been involved in all kinds of civic things, yet nobody ever knew! Of course, I knew that even with all of the advances time has fostered, just how hard it is to become a girl, yet she had managed to fool everyone for all those years. The mere fact that she had been married cast a strange light on her now passed husband, but nobody cared, and he was beyond hurting anyway. I didn't say another word about it, but at school on Monday everyone was talking about it. There wasn't anyone that came right out and said they were going to do it, but a few guys, myself included, said that it might, maybe, be worth looking into, since a full ride to college was a lot of money. Stan even said that if we looked around, half the guys in school were already half dressed as girls, pointing out that most guys had long hair, wore earrings, and a few even wore at least some makeup. To him, wearing a skirt wasn't any more than wearing a long tunic, which was virtually a dress anyway! He was right, and taken as he said it, it almost made sense, but then, he wasn't even going to try for the scholarship since he planned on a military career. I have long hair and pierced ears myself, I'm small enough I guess, I'm not a hulking football player, and I even like to dress up as a girl. All that was holding me back was my own self induced fear. I was afraid of what the other kids might say, but they would, well, might, maybe, understand given the circumstances, but I was afraid that I would lose myself, afraid that the image I had of myself as a guy would wither away and die. I felt, or maybe even knew, that once I accepted the challenge, became Beth, and went to school, even once, that I would not, could not, ever quit, and I would lose myself to the girl I had inside of me. I was lost in thought about it all day. A week went by, then two before I once again bowed to the urges, took out my clothes, and got dressed again. As I looked in the mirror I felt as if someone were gripping my heart, squeezing me until I admitted out loud that I wanted to be the girl that I was staring at. I had the means, the drive, and the chance, all I had to do was tell my mother, and my life would be forever changed. I wasn't sure it would be for the better, only that I would be able to be dressing as a girl, and for me, that was all that mattered. I put on the lipstick, stepped into my only shoes, and brushed out my hair, trying to look even the slightest bit presentable as I had decided to take that one last and unheard of step. I drew in a deep breath even as my heart was pounding, sweat filled my brow, and my hands shook, but I couldn't help it. Driven by unseen forces that were compounded by my lifelong desires, I opened the door to my room with a bang, and thrust myself outside to the hallway for the first time ever. Once there I couldn't stop myself, and walked to the familyroom, my steps silent on the carpet. Mom looked up at me, I saw her eyes widen, and as she stood up, I burst into an uncontrollable torrent of tears. Shame does not describe how I felt. Mom came to me, took me into her arms, and just held me. I have no idea how long it took, or exactly what I said, but eventually I dried out, which is when mom used a damp washrag to wipe my face. Then we talked, for the first time ever, about my dressing as a girl. I was sure that she wouldn't love me anymore, but mom listened without saying anything, then, when I broke down again, she helped me get undressed and told me to take a shower, telling me that we would talk about it later. By the time I reappeared, I had calmed down a little, but I was just as ashamed, not only of what I felt, but what I had done. Nervously tapping my fingers on the chair I wondered what drove me the height of such stupidity. Taking the scholarship would mean that everything that I was right then, at that moment, would dissolve as I tried to fold myself into the fabric of my school, as a girl. I knew I would have no dates, not attend any Proms, possibly lose friends and almost certainly gain enemies. Other than the money, I just could not see any up side to it, and decided to tell mom that I wasn't going to do it. I saw no way to defeat my shame, but also, no way to take back what mom had seen. Becoming a girl wasn't as simple as wearing a dress, it was all of the other things about a female that makes them unique. Fluid grace, the way they clustered and talked, the never ending quest to find the perfect this or that at the mall, then of course there was the way they reacted around boys, flirting, being coy enough to trap one or another of them. Walking, talking, acting and reacting were all part of being a girl, which meant that the dress was merely there to cover their bodies, yet the dress was one of just several clues that the person was a girl. Breasts, rounded butts and hips all contributed to the visual effect a girl has on a guy. Sure, with some premier help I could look like a girl, but the rest? I wasn't so sure, and didn't want to tempt fate by trying and failing, since that would be almost as bad as just showing up as a girl, and for me, it seemed not only hopeless, but futile, given how I knew I looked. Before I could tell mom that I had decided not to do it, the doorbell rang. Opening the door, I saw a girl that I didn't know. She was about as tall as I was, with soft brown hair, a nice figure, blue eyes, and great legs. "Yes?" I asked, wondering who she was. "Tom! Don't you recognize me?" It was Stan! "Not bad huh? My mom helped me get all dolled up, and I thought I would show my best buddy what a guy in a dress can look like." I was stunned that Stan looked so damned good! I quickly let him in the house. Of course, mom came in to see who it was, and when I told her, she looked almost as shocked as I did. Stan quickly dispelled the notion that he was going to try for a scholarship, telling mom that he had already joined the Navy. But as he sat down... "You could do it Tom, and I'll bet you look just as good as I do, maybe better!" "Yeah, maybe," I said, "but how long did it take you to look this way? And why are you telling me this?" "Why? Well, lets see," said Stan, "one, you want to be an Engineer, two its expensive, and you don't have any money, then of course, there's number three. You aren't any bigger than I am, and just look at me! Plus, there's that time I smelled perfume on you, which makes me think that you tried this once, or maybe twice before Tommy old pal, so why not now?" Stan didn't cut me any slack at all! Yet there he sat, just as cute as could be, all dressed up as a girl! "I told my mom I was coming over here, and she told me to tell you that if you decide to do this, then you could have all of my sisters clothes. I won't need them, and she said it would be a waste of money to just toss them all out. She said to let her know, but don't wait to long Tom. Seeing Heather's stuff makes her cry once in a while." Heather had died of an aneurism that developed in her brain. One day she was fine, and two days later she was dead. Heather was Stan's twin sister, and I knew that he missed her a lot, but he had managed to get past his grief, or he was faking it really well. His mother was trying, and I suppose, giving away all of Heather's stuff would help her, probably a lot. I looked at mom, who just sat there, silent as she looked at Stan. It was up to me, and we all knew it. The fact that Stan was sitting there all dressed up, telling me that he knew about my previous foray's into dresses, which didn't help, left me almost nowhere to turn. I looked at mom again, and saw her smiling. She knew that I was faced with an irresistible choice, but was letting me make it. It was hopeless, and I caved in, hoping I wasn't making a fool out of myself. I said, "You look...great as a girl Stan! This can't be the first time you did this, nobody can look this good without some practice." "Nah," he said with a smile, "Heather and I used to get all dolled up together once in a while. Mom said that we looked like twin girls, and didn't make much fuss about it as long as we were discrete. I even went to the show once like this, but it's not a big deal for me. I just did this to show you that it can be done, and if it's done right, well, look at me and tell me how much trouble I would have, then think about it." My best friend looked better as a girl that he ever did as a guy, and that short skirt he had on drew attention to his legs, which merely complimented his figure. Neither of us said a word for a moment, then he once again mentioned that time he smelled perfume on me. I sat perfectly still while mom had a twinkle in her eye, as if that statement confirmed what she already knew. There was no way that I wasn't going to try it, not after seeing Stan sitting there like that. "Okay, I'll try it, just once," I said to Stan, "but if you laugh..." "Not to worry old buddy, I'll bet that you'll look pretty good! Now, when can I expect to see you?" "SHE," mom said, "will be ready for you to meet her tomorrow afternoon. We will be at your house at two. Is that okay?" "Sure! I'll tell my mom!" Stan sounded eager to me. "Maybe I'll still be all dolled up, who knows?" Stan quickly stood up, spun around, and as he left, I saw just a hint of his panties when his skirt flared up. It gave me the chills. I looked at mom, who had stood up. "I think it's time," Mom said to me, "that we look at what you have, then maybe go buy a few things that you'll almost certainly need, so that we can turn you into the girl we obviously know that you want to be, don't you?" Mom stood by while I dragged out everything that I owned when I became Beth. Laying on the bed, everything look pitifully sad, but I just waited as mom casually looked at my stuff, then she told me that we needed to see if we could find what we wanted at the mart, telling me that I would drive. That meant that not only had I supplied the noose, I also had to drive to my own execution. Once we were there, mom didn't hesitate, buying a package of panties, one bra, (36B), a gel padded pantybrief, a skirt, blouse, slip, heels, and pantyhose. Then a small but adequate makeup kit plus some of that chemical hair remover and more razor blades. On the way home I said nothing, but my heart was beating hard because I knew that within one day I would be wearing all of those clothes, and be out of the house for the first time. On the way home mom told me to take the hair remover to my room, cover all of my hairy parts with it, then follow the instructions. It burned, itched, and generally made me feel hot all over, but after I stepped into the shower and rinsed it all off, I was, for the first time ever, as hairless as any girl! I rubbed in the skin lotion mom gave me to use, then got dressed again. Mom told me that we would begin in the morning, adding that my skin would feel better after I used the lotion a few times. It felt odd having plain denim rubbing on bare skin, but I got used to it, tried to relax, and couldn't. I went back to my room and tried on all of the clothes mom had bought for me instead. Everything fit of course, and I was anxious to do it, get dressed that is, but I undressed rather than make my mother angry. The next morning right after breakfast, with a wag of her finger, mom and I went to her bedroom where she wet my hair down and began to put some rollers in my hair, using a gel of some kind. My head was a mass of pink rollers and brown hair, shiny from the gel and the roller clips when mom told me to go shave as close as possible, which I did. Then she used a skin toner on my face before she handed me the new foundation, and told me to put it on while she watched. Unlike every previous attempt I had made, the foundation not only covered my face evenly, it looked smoother, which mom told me was because of the skin lotion. Then came the powder, which I brushed away as soon as it set for a moment. Powder blue eyeshadow, with gray highlights, then black eyeliner over and under each eye. The mascara, which I had never tried before, went on easily as soon as I got over the shakes, then a pale blusher was added to my cheeks. We went to my room where mom sat on the bed watching as I slipped on the bra, stuffing my birdseed breast forms, one into each cup. The padded pantybrief was next, followed by the pantyhose, slip, skirt, and lastly, the blouse. The skirt was at mid thigh on me while the blouse, open to just above my bra, gave me a sexy if young look. I stepped into the low heels and stood in front of the mirror so see how I looked. I had never managed to look that good! My makeup didn't look caked on, while the skirt and blouse actually fit me, and that made them hang better. With my hair still in rollers, I could see for myself that I looked like a normal teenage girl! Mom took me back to her bedroom, sat me at the vanity to take all of the hardware out of my hair, then, as she brushed it out, I began to look...wonderful! When she was done, she trimmed my bangs a little, and for the first time, I was a girl with hair that wasn't done in a ponytail or falling straight down. Waves and curls, with bangs that almost touched my eyes gave my face a softer more feminine look, which is when I realized that Stan had been right. I could do it, and not look foolish. Mom handed me some earrings, a bracelet, then told me to put some lipstick on. When I had everything on, she spritzed me with some perfume, and stood back while I stared at my reflection. The girl I saw was the girl I wanted to be and had always denied, yet when I saw her, I also had the urge to strip everything off and change clothes, but I just couldn't bring myself to do that. I had reached the pinnacle as far as looks went, and there wasn't any way I was going to just wash it all off. Mom waited for a bit, then took me by the hand, going to the familyroom where she told me to sit down. "You look very nice honey, and I'm glad that we had this chance to show you just how pretty you can become. Myself, I don't see the attraction you have to wanting to dress this way, but you're old enough to make some decisions on your own, which is why we are doing this." Mom sat back in her rocker, then... "I am not going to tell you that this is the only way to get to college Thomas, it's just one way, but I will not let you leave this house until I am convinced that this is what you feel is right for you. I only helped you today so that you would have a little better vision of yourself as a girl. If you decide not to do this, that's fine. I'll call Stanley and tell him that. But, if this is what you truly want to do, then you'll have to understand that once you start, if you decide to do this, there will be no going back for five long years, and two of them will be in high school, the rest in college, all as a girl! The choice will be yours alone; all I'll do is help you become a young lady." "Mom..." I said. "I...can't...what I mean is...I can't...give it up. I feel...like this is the real me!" "I know that honey. I knew that when I saw you look in the mirror after we were done getting you ready." With a sigh, mom stood up. "Now that we both know how you feel about this, we can go on from here, and try to get along as mother and daughter, right?" It was a rhetorical question, so I said nothing. "You'll have a lot to learn about being a girl, more than I imagine you realize. Any fool can wear a dress Thomas, but being a woman is more than that. Just wearing a dress does not make a woman, and I want you to understand that right up front. However, if you are convinced this is what you really want, then we'll start turning you into the wonderful daughter that you want to be and I will demand of you. Now then, tell me again that this is what you want." By then I had gained my courage, telling mom that I had always wanted to be a girl but was afraid to admit it, afraid of taking the risk of letting her down. I said that I didn't think that I would be a different person, only that I would look different. That's when mom snorted, telling me that everything would change. Even my friends would change she said, because some of the guys wouldn't take kindly to me, especially if they were attracted to me, and some of the girls wouldn't like it if those same guys started to show a liking for me. I seriously doubted that any girl in her right mind would see me as a threat, told her that, then I told her the name I had picked out for myself, Beth Ann. The moment I told her that, she went to the closet, opened it, and handed me a purse plus a brand new wallet of the type girls carry. Without a word I went to my room and put all my stuff in the new wallet, plus my lipstick and a brush. A glance at the clock told me I had about 45 minutes before we were to be at Stan's house, so I wasted ten of them looking at myself in the mirror, growing firmer in my conviction that my decision to do this was right. Only my long held fear of discovery kept me from enjoying it like I should have. When it was time, I steeled up my courage, which was boosted by the growing confidence in way I looked, and left the house with mom, then drove us to Stan's house. When it came into view, I saw cars parked in the driveway, and almost went home without even stopping. Only mom made me park at the curb, then stood on the sidewalk waiting while I pondered what Stan was doing to me. Finally, I got out of the car, and with my purse over my shoulder and mom holding my elbow, we walked to the door and rang the bell. The door opened, and I saw Stan, dressed as his usual self. He smiled, let us in, then I saw everyone. Bill and Marcie, plus Janet and Mike. I stood there for a moment as they all stared at me, ready to bolt for the tenuous security of the car when Stan took my arm and led me to a chair. I was to scared to talk, so I smiled the best I could. "Damn!" came the chorus from Mike, Janet and Marcie, then... "You look," Marcie said, "better than some of the girls at school!" "Better than your sister that's for sure!" Bill added with a grin, which got him elbowed. "So," Bill asked me, "you're going to try for that scholarship?" For the first time I spoke. "It's just about the only way I'll get into college. Mom and I can't afford it, and it doesn't seem to bad I guess." I was trying to get them off the scent, and maybe find out that I liked it. "If you ask me," Mike said to everyone with a very wide toothy grin, "she isn't going to have any trouble at all! Maybe some of the other girls will hate her, but she can't help how she looks!" Stan, sitting right next to me for moral support, asked me what name I was going to use, so I told them. Then he suggested that we all meet at his house around five, and go out for pizza! He didn't ask me, but when everyone agreed, I didn't say no, although I almost messed my pants. After everyone but mom, Stan, and I had left, he took us to Heather's room where his mother was sitting on the bed. She looked up at me, smiled sadly, then stood up. "Hello!" she said, Then looked me over from head to toe. "You are quite lovely, did you know that?" What could I say to that? "I have decided to get rid of Heather's things, and Stan suggested that you might want some or all of them. Why don't you and Stanley stay here? You try everything on while you're mother and I talk." Our mothers left the room, leaving Stan and I standing there. He opened the closet, and started hauling out clothes that he thought might fit me. I slipped off the skirt and blouse, then began to try things on. Skirts piled up on the bed, then came the dresses. Some were not big enough, some made me look like a sack of potatoes, and some didn't look good on me, yet many did, including some of the shoes, blouses and tops. I did not try on any lingerie or nightwear since mom told me not to. When we were done, I was left wearing a pale green mini dress that was square cut at the neck and had cap sleeves. As I piled the clothes up, Stan came up behind me, swatted me on the can, and when I yelped, stood up, and turned around, we were nose to nose. We stood like that for a moment, and I thought he was going to try and kiss me, but all he did was smile, then back away. Together we took all of the clothes out to my car, and on the way back in... "I thought you were going to try something." I did not have to say what, or when. "I thought so too Beth. You don't have a clue how hot you look in that dress do you?" "Not as good as a real girl would!" I said with a smirk. "Your wrong of course, you almost never get it right on the first try. You're better looking than Jenny by a long shot!" Jenny was his on again off again girlfriend. "Well don't!" I said, "I'm just getting used to this as it is!" "After Monday, you'll be surprised at just how many guys will think you're hot stuff!" "Just don't try to kiss me Stan!" "I'll try," he said with a grin. We went back in the lower level of the house, finding our mothers on the patio having a soda. They both saw me at the same time, and both had their mouths drop open. I didn't look that good, but the dress helped I guess. I had long legs that were really being shown off with that mini dress. "Beth and I are meeting everyone for pizza at five, so we better go." Looking at mom, he said, "I promise to have her home by ten at the latest." Mom said it was okay, so I gave her my car keys, grabbed my purse, then left. Surprising me, Stan had his arm around my waist as we walked away. Just getting into his car turned out to be risky, since I didn't want to have the dress hike up any farther than it already was, and managed to discover that I had to put my bottom in first then swing my legs in. Stan drove us to the Pizza place, then escorted me inside. What had started as a day of uncertainty was rapidly becoming my initiation into the role of a girl, and Stan was leading me through it, without the slightest hint that I had ever been anything but a girl, and that made me feel...relaxed. Stan and I walked in, saw Janet and Mike sitting at a table, and found our way to them. Just as we sat down, Jenny came over, and she did not look happy. "So! I see that you've found another girl that you can dazzle with all that crap you put out!" Looking right at me, she scowled, then looked back at Stan. "Well, if this is how you're going to be, just don't call me any more! Obviously, you think you can do better with her, so go right ahead!" As she stormed off, I thought Janet was going to bust a gut laughing! "She doesn't have a clue! Beth, you have just inherited, or maybe stolen, you first boyfriend!" "Me?" I asked. "Me and Stan?! But were friends! He knows..." "I know," Stan said, "that your pretty, and I also know that your with me right now, and that's all that matters!" Bill and Marcie joined us soon after, and the six of us had a great time, especially when they found out what Jenny said. Stan and I left about eight, but didn't go to my house right away. Instead, he took us to the park, where he told me just how much he liked me as a girl, and also told me that he was sorry that he didn't know about me sooner. He said that he would always be there for me, and if I wanted him to, he would tell everyone that we were together, as a couple, just like Jenny thought. I listened to him as he described how it was with he and Heather, all dressed up as girls, and how they often tried to confuse their parents. He sounded sad when he spoke of Heather, and when I saw that tear in his eye I wiped it away with my finger. He looked at me, then kissed me gently on the cheek. I was shocked, but did not pull back, realizing with a start that he was not kissing me, but saying goodbye to Heather. He had, just for a moment, let me take her place, which made me feel really good. After a bit, he took me home. When I got to my room I saw that mom had hung up all of the clothes, and on the bed lay a nightgown. I went in, washed off the makeup, then changed into the nightgown and went to find mom. I told her all about my evening, including when Stan kissed me, and why I thought he did it. Mom listened, then told me we would begin my lessons in makeup and hair in the morning, telling me that I would have to be able to dress, do my own makeup and hair, just like anyone else, so I might as well start learning. She did not say a word about Stan kissing me. In the morning, mom made it clear that the best she could do in one day was to show me the basics, once again insisting that the moment I set one foot in school dressed as a girl, I would not have the chance to easily switch back, and if I did, I would not qualify for the money. It was the actual moment that I had to decide, but I did not need to review the facts. I liked to dress as a girl, and at that moment, looked better than I ever had. Mom works hard, yet does not make enough to send me to college. I want to be an Engineer, and I have the grades for it, but no money. Gee, it wasn't that hard to come to a conclusion! I told mom that I was going to do it, but asked her, right out if she had a problem with it. "If you're asking," mom said as she sat back in her chair, "me if I like the fact that my son wants to be a girl, then the answer is no, I do not like it. I don't even understand why you feel this way. There is nothing glamorous about being a female, not in this society anyway, but the fact that you want to be a girl doesn't seem to be anything I can do something about, plus, this scholarship money will guarantee your education, and that cannot be denied. Will I help you? Yes. Will I demand a lot of you? Yes again. Will I ask you to quit? No. That is up to you, but that decision has to be made right now, not later when it gets tough." "I'm not going," I said, "to let this chance slip away mother. You have no idea just how hard it was for me when I stepped out of my room and let you see me that first time, or how shaky I felt when I saw all my friends at Stan's house. But they all told me I look good enough to do it, and there isn't any doubt that it's this, join the military, or work myself through college! I always wanted to be a girl, and I'm sure that your right, it'll be hard, at least at first, but..." "I understand," mom said softly, "the reasons why you're accepting the challenge honey, and they are all valid, it's just that...after five years, will I have a son or a daughter? Do I have a son right now, or have I raised a daughter already?" "You," I said, "have raised a daughter that was stuck in the body of a son, but that doesn't matter mom. I promise you that I'll be the best daughter that I know how to be, and I'll never let you down." "I know you'll do your best... Beth, I just want you to understand that there are people who won't like what you're doing, and unless you are as feminine as any other girl, they will cause you no end of grief." "I'll do my best mom." Then mom and I went shopping. I needed panties and bras, and of course some new shoes, but most of all I needed to get a pair of really good breast forms. We bought the breast forms first, then went shopping for the rest. We stretched our budget to the breaking point, but we managed, with some careful shopping, to find everything mom said I would need, and went home. Stan was sitting on our front porch, his dad's truck in the driveway. In the back was Heather's vanity! "Mom thought you could use it Beth." "She's right Stan! Tell her thanks!" "Can," he asked me with a sort of mock sneer, "a little girl like you help me carry this great big piece of furniture up to your room?" "Very funny," I said, "I'm wearing a skirt, but it doesn't make me a weakling!" "Okay Supergirl, give me a hand then!" Stan and I carried it to my room, moved things around, set it in place, then rearranged the room to suit me. He grinned at me, then... "you're still cute as hell Beth, and my offer still stands. If you want, we can let everyone know that we're a couple." "Let's just wait and see Stan. Jenny won't be very happy when she finds out who I really am, and if you tell everyone that we're together, that might wreck your plans for the military." "We'll see," he said with a grin, but if you don't mind, I'll stick with my original conclusion Beth. If you work at it a little, you're better looking than Jenny, and not nearly as possessive." Stan left a little later and as I sat there, all of my long held fears began to surface, and I wondered how I could have been so stupid as to even think that I could do this! But as I looked around my room, seeing all those new clothes in the closet, I had a warm glow come over me. Everyone said that I looked nice, I had the clothes, the need, the opportunity, and the desire, so there was no way I was going to back out. I selected what I would wear to school the next day with great care, hanging them on the closet door. Then I went to be with mom for a while. I was up early, took a shower, shaved again although I didn't need it, then began to get dressed, starting with panties. They were the new ones mom bought, which were high cut and caused me to pause when I put them on. They covered the essentials, yet left an awful lot uncovered! Sitting at the vanity I began my makeup, taking mom's advice by not using nearly as much as I had before, only enough to cover without looking caked on. The powder matted the shiny look and made my face seem smoother. Using a pale green eye shadow with brown eyeliner, I didn't add anything else except blusher. The padded pantybrief, also high cut was next, then pantyhose, the bra, breast forms, a slip, and finally, the blouse and skirt. As I buttoned up the blouse and it grew snug across my boobs I had to smile as I envisioned myself seeing that same thing every morning from then on. The skirt was a very basic pleated green, white and black plaid that was just below mid thigh on me. Stepping into the black flats I went to the mirror, put on my earrings, a gold necklace, some perfume, and my lipstick. Taking my purse by the straps I grabbed my books and walked down to the kitchen where I had a quick coffee, kissed mom who didn't say a word, then left for school. As I left the house I saw some of our neighbors leaving for work, ignored them, and started for the school. Driving there was easy, going in wasn't. I sat in the car for a moment drawing all of my strength together, before I stepped out of the car and walked into the school. Per the instructions I had from mom, I went directly to the office to let them know of my change in status. To my very great surprise, the was another girl standing there, a girl just like me! I wasn't sure who it was at first, but it was clear that she did not make an effort to look as "normal," as possible. Her hairy legs stuck out from under the dress, she wore gym shoes, and while she wore makeup, it was badly done. I said nothing as the secretary made notes. Then it was my turn. When I told her who I was she looked me over carefully, again made the notations, then made out a new ID card for me. After a picture was taken, I had my very first piece of ID that said I was a girl and allowed to leave. The other girl was asked to stay. As I went into my first class I felt everyone's eyes on me, but walked to the desk as casually as I could, gave the teacher the paperwork, then sat in my normal chair. Nothing was said until class let out when some kids wanted to know if it was true, who I really was I mean, and when I said yes, almost all of them said nothing at all! I took that as a good sign. Stan, Marcie and Janet all said hi, and made me feel as if I belonged. Bill, while saying hello wasn't quite as warm, and I wondered why. I used the girls restroom, and while nobody said anything, I could sense that they were unhappy with me in there, so I got out as quickly as I could and simply let the rest of the day unfold. Good or bad, I had committed myself, and wasn't going to change because someone had bad feelings about what I was doing. Besides, all the damage that could be done had already happened. Nobody gave me a hard time all day, and I began to feel that I might just be able to get through this without a lot of hassle, so the next day I wore a dress, the day after that jeans, and back again to a skirt. By the time Friday rolled around I had quit being odd, and became just another student. That was also the day mom and I enrolled me in the program to receive the scholarship. When I was done filling out the paperwork, I found out that seven other guys were also becoming girls in order to qualify! The only one I saw was that first day at school, but I had not seen her since, and had no idea what had happened, but I had an idea. My guess is that she looked at me, saw how I tried to fit in, and gave up or went back to do things better, but that does not mean that I was her idol, only that she saw how much easier it would be if she "fit in," better. The woman handed me a document that would let me get a new drivers license, telling me that I might "as a temporary measure" have to legally change my name, but then again, maybe not. It turned out that I would have to change my name, but with a written promise from mom that I would, I was issued a new license, complete with picture. Mom and I ate dinner at a fast food joint, then we went home where I changed into a pair of shorts and a top, grabbed my stuff and went out to wash the car again. Busy washing the car I did not notice it when a car drove up. Then... "Stan was right. Nice ass!" It was Bill! I stood up grinning and said to him, "Nice, but only because they discovered foam rubber!" "Jenny is hot enough," Bill said with a smile, "to go ballistic Beth. The minute she found out who you were she lit into Stan big time. I wasn't there, but I heard he told her to take a hike! I also hear that he told her you were better looking and more pleasant to be around, and if he wanted to be with you instead of her, he would! I would watch it if I were you Beth, Jenny is on the warpath!" "But why?" I said. "She knows that Stan and I...I wouldn't...I'm not... he's one of my best friends!" "What about me?" he asked. "What do you mean Bill? You and I? Together? What about Marcie? No, wait! I mean..." "Marcie and I broke up. She told me that she wants to play the field." "Is that why you're here?" I asked. "You think that I would..." "Yeah, that's what I think," he said as he moved closer, "After seeing you at school all week, we all think that you'll always be a girl, even after this five year deal is over. Haven't you noticed that even the kids that aren't really cool with this aren't giving you a hard time? That because of the way you look and have acted so far! And if you look this good now, what'll happen after five years? Hell, half the kids in school didn't even read you as a one of the guys trying for that scholarship! They assumed that you were just a hot new babe that joined our school!" "But I..." "No buts Beth, Stan, me, Janet and Marcie all figure that you'll never go back to being a guy because it's obvious that you like being a girl to much for that, so why not just give it up and be the girl that you want to be?" "Just what do you mean Bill?" "I mean, why don't you and I go to a show tonight? Maybe we can cruise the strip tomorrow night. That's what I mean." I was so shocked that I couldn't say anything right away, but Bill merely waited for a moment, then... "Come on Beth, you'll like it, and besides, you went out with Stan, so it's not like this is your first date!" Without waiting for an answer, he walked away, telling me... "I'll be here at seven to pick you up Beth, see ya!" Bill was the very last person I expected to find me attractive enough to ask out, and while I won't say that I never thought about dating guys, I didn't think I would ever be asked out, so the idea of it never occurred to me. Stan changed that when he took me to the pizza place, but the whole time we were there Bill seemed...distant. That's why I was so surprised to see him standing in my driveway, let alone have him ask me out. I quickly finished washing the car, then ran in the house and up to my room to clean up! I had less than two hours to get ready, and I still had to eat! When mom asked, I told her as I went in the shower, which drew an "I told you so" remark. I managed to get cleaned up, wearing my tan skirt with a soft pink pullover top. I was on edge all through dinner, which mom thought was funny, then, after I added perfume and touched up my lipstick, Bill arrived. He had the coolest car in school, and as I sat in the front seat and looked around, I realized that my car was rather plain by comparison, not that it mattered any more. Bill was the very last person I ever expected to be with since he is quite popular with the girls, and is one of the guys that can cruise around and always seem to find a girl to be with. Since he knew my true status, and I knew that he didn't "like guys" as it were, I wondered why he asked me out, but didn't say a word about it. He was polite all evening, then, when he took me home, he didn't even try to kiss me, telling me that he would be over at six the next night. I went in the house just about as confused as it gets, wondering why Bill wanted to take me anywhere, but when he did, why didn't he try to kiss me if he thought I was so hot? I lay in bed that night calmly reliving the entire evening until exhaustion took over and I fell asleep. The next morning, in an attempt to make myself look more like a girl I pulled out several files from the computer, read them, and went on a hunt to get what I needed. All I told mom was that I would be in my room, "improving my femininity" as I put it. She did not ask me how, or what. The number one problem I had experienced during the week was sitting down when things were in the wrong place, which caused me serious pain at times. I was going to fix that. After shaving the areas defined on the computer, I seated my testicles then used the tape to hold them in place, then drawing the rest between my legs and taping it down. At a glance I looked like a girl, and after sitting down several times I discovered that I needed to make a few adjustments, but after that, I never experienced the pain again. I got dressed, wearing some jeans and a top, put on my makeup, brushed out my hair, then told mom that I wanted to get a better padded panty, to round out my hips more, and she decided to come along. I bought three pair, all beige, plus another bra. Then we stopped at the place we bought the breast forms at, and I asked the woman if she could attach mine with some adhesive, which she did, telling me I had two months before they would come off. With the padded panty, I was as complete a girl as I was going to get, and had a reasonable figure to boot. Mom and I went home to see Stan sitting on our porch again, so when I parked the car, he and I went out back to the porch. On the way he put his arm around me. "Want to go out to a show tonight Beth?" "I can't Stan, but thanks anyway." "Scared of me? I didn't think my reputation with the ladies extended this far!" "Yeah, that's it! Your reputation!" Poking him with my elbow. "I already have a date." "Bill?" he asked with a grin. "Yeah. How did you know? He took me to the show last night, and we are going cruising tonight. I can't figure him out Stan. He seemed....distant before, now he is asking me out!" "Beth, you are the dumbest broad I ever met! Bill wasn't staying away because he didn't like what you were doing! He stayed away because he thought you were the best looking girl he ever saw, and was afraid that you would turn him down! Geesh! Everyone knew that!" "Except me," I said with a frown. "He must think I'm a complete dweeb Stan!" "Nah, he thinks you're just an average girl as far as that goes, but hot as fire for the rest!" "He told me," I said, "that he and Marcie broke up. He said it was her idea." "Frank and Marcie have been getting pretty tight lately, so that's probably true." Stan and I talked a bit longer, then, right out of the blue he leaned over and kissed me, right on the lips! I was so shocked that I didn't say anything or even move, so he did it again! Then he stood up and left, walking down the driveway without another word! I went in the house to get ready for my date, deciding to wear a skirt and top. Bill was right on time, and after I introduced him to mom, we left in his car. We hit the strip, and he casually put his hand on my leg, just at the hem of the skirt. I let it stay there, ready to stop him if he started to explore the regions North, but he never went any further. We saw friends, raced a little, ate a burger, then cruised some more, until later, he took me home. Pulling me closer I did not resist as his lips met mine. Expecting a fireball, I was very disappointed when it was like kissing my mother! Bill sat back, and as we looked at each other, he grinned at me. "Well, that settles that!" he said with a smile. "You look good Beth, but..." "It was like kissing my..." "Sister," he said... "Or mother," I added. "Friends?" he asked me. "Friends," I said, then went in the house, sad but elated at the same time. Bill was nice, but not for me. On Monday after school, our lawyer handed me the papers changing my name, and I was legally Beth, which made me very happy, and the first person I wanted to tell was Stan. So I drove over to his house. He was in his room, but his mother wouldn't let me go there like before, calling him down instead. When I told him, he swept me into his arms, and without any hesitation, kissed me, hard. That fireball? Well, it happened. Stan left me shaking, trembling almost as I tried to calm down from what he had done to me. As we stood apart, I could see, since it was clearly evident, that Stan was excited, and when he kissed me the second time, I could feel him against my leg. As I gently pushed him away and we traded looks, he smiled at me. How was your date with that other guy...Bill I think his name is." "It was fine Stanley Aaron! Now come kiss me again!" And he did. With every nerve ending on fire he and I walked to the curb where I got in my car. He held my hand for a moment, then I went home with a new understanding of how the right guy can make a girl feel, and as far as I was concerned, I had found him. As I went home I realized that as much as I had denied, even to myself that I could, or even would be attracted to some guy, and dating might have been a possible but remote likelihood, I had done both. I had dated two different guys, both friends of mine, kissed them both, yet one of them, Stan, had set me trembling. It was as if a light came on, and I felt that I had completed some unknown journey, a path filled with doubt, yet I had completed the trip, finding out just how much of a woman I really was. I did not think of myself as Gay, but rather, a girl that liked a boy. Stan began to stay with me at every break, each lunch period, and finally, everyone simply accepted the fact that we were a couple. Stan and I went out the next weekend on Friday night, then after the show, he parked the car and I went to him with an eagerness I didn't expect. As he kissed me I felt the tremors starting, but he did not quit, and the unrelenting passion I was feeling caused my brain to slip out of gear. His hand sought out my breast, and while I could only feel the pressure of his hand, I made him quit trying to get under my blouse. There was no doubt in my mind that he was rock hard, but there was no way that I was going to help him with that, no matter how hard he tried. We did thrash around in his car some more, but I was unrelenting, and never did touch his manhood. Suddenly, Stan moved a bit, and as he kissed me, shoving his tongue down my throat, I began to doubt if I could hold him off very much longer. I was panting hard as I pushed him away. We were lost in the throes of teenage passion. I was in a position I had never dreamed of, and when he tried to push me down in the seat and lay on me, I almost wished I was a real girl. But he quickly got up when I shoved him aside, and after we paused for a bit, he looked at me, and we both started to giggle. "I would guess," he said with a grin, "that we are compatible!" "It's more than a guess Stan." "I better take you home before you decide to drain me of all my life support Beth!" "But the draining might be so much fun!" I said with a grin. There was no way to hide what I felt, and mom picked up on it right away, and under intense questioning from her, I admitted that I had found myself really wanting to help Stan achieve...satisfaction, "but only with my hand," I told her. The next day I was at the doctors office, getting myself enrolled in a program that would help me become the girl I was destined to be. It took almost ten months, but I finally had the natural figure of a girl my age, Stan and I were still together, although I would not let him get close enough to do what we had almost done. After graduation Stan went in the Navy while I started college, taking classes to let me become an Engineer. In my second year at college, I made the transition, but forgot to tell Stan. Two months later when he was home on leave, rather than telling him, I made him get a room, then let him take me. Heaven could not be better than that day, but after the third time I managed to exhaust poor Stanley. As he lay next to me, I understood what mom had meant when she told me that "everything would change". Stroking his head as he snoozed, I wondered how I ever thought that I could get by as a man, glad that I didn't have to. I have to go now, Stan is waking up, and I just know that he wants me to...well...you decide.