How Spencer Found Her Kink, Part 3 (Final) free porn video

Dear Reader, Please see "How Spencer Found Her Kink, Parts 1 and 2" for the first half of this story. Enjoy, Rohmer Fan ~ The main character's taste in music, predominantly string music covers of pop songs, will be showcased throughout, with every section given it's own song. You can find all of these songs on the US version of Spotify if you would like to listen along while reading the ridiculous sex story. It is annotated like so: [Title of Song by Group Performing Song (Original Artist)] How Spencer Found Her Kink, Part 3 by Rohmer Fan ~ Part Three: The Pacific Ocean, Earth ~ [Hunter by Vitamin String Quartet (Bjork)] My body vibrated like a human hair clipper as we flew across the Pacific Ocean from Oahu to Kauai Island. The view from Ben's private helicopter was awe-inspiring, so much so that I forgot all about the bone-shuddering and teeth-clattering. We were just high enough to see details, unlike in an airplane where everything seemed distant or fake. I could see tiny people sunbathing on their yachts well enough to scrutinize their choice of swimwear. "Do you have a yacht, Ben?" I said through the helmet and headset he'd given me. "Oh, yeah. I do. Well, Levi and I co-own and share expenses on one. It's a distillery asset, I think," he replied without turning his head to look at me while concentrating on piloting. "Of course he does," I thought, lamenting how close Ben was with Levi Gardner, whose first impression on me was 'One-hundred-percent Pornmind' as the Bearded Hubby might've said. "Oh, you should have said something Ben," said Shusake Minamoto or "Shu" as he'd said to call him, Ben's location scout for his current film. "The guy I was dealing with for the yacht shoot hasn't been returning my calls. If we can use yours it'll be great." Despite the Japanese name, Shu had a pretty thick Chicago accent and looked completely caucasian except for a hint of Asian ancestry around the eyes. "Awesome-sauce, Shu," Ben replied. I smiled and looked back out of the window. Even though I was technically working today, this felt like a vacation. I was in a helicopter in Hawaii, being flown to a remote and romantic beach on the Na Poli Coast. I certainly wasn't dressed like I was working. I had on a cobalt blue underwire halter top bikini, patterned with teal and white flowers, with a matching high-waisted full-coverage bottom. I had on white sunglasses, ponytail in a teal scrunchie, and for an attempt at modesty, I was wearing a white crocheted knit cover-up over the swimsuit. "You okay back there?" Shu said, turning around in his seat, less a man and more of a talking and smiling polo shirt. He had sunglasses on, and I got the distinct feeling he was checking me out behind them. He'd been on me like glue since we first met at breakfast early this morning before driving together to well northwest of Waikiki where Ben kept his red and white two- engine private helicopter. I gave him a thumbs up and a half-smile, then looked back out of the window before he could turn back around. I felt like he had a mild crush and didn't want to encourage him. Even though I was technically the third wheel on this work trip, Shu was also an even thirder wheel since this felt like a romantic vacation getaway for a girl and the guy who pounded her senseless when she woke up this morning. After a few weeks of it, I was getting spoiled rotten. Well, secretly spoiled rotten. Ben wanted to be discreet because he was "naturally inclined to be a private person," which seemed like the truth. I agreed to it because, "you have so many douchebags around you and it's already hard enough getting them to respect me without them thinking all I do is suck your dick." When I said that he laughed and then disparaged my dick-sucking ability, which made me reply, "well, yeah. I'm not dislocating my jaw for you, big fella." I laughed in the helicopter thinking about it. "See something funny, Spencer?" Shu asked, turning around and then looking out the window. "What is it?" "Nothing!" I said a little loud so my voice could be heard over the road of the engine, but I kept smiling and looked back out of the window. Other than a few days around my period, and a number of times when Ben had to work nearly 18 hour days, we'd been fucking like newlyweds for a month. I worked hard as his personal assistant all day, and then, when he was home and the work was done, we'd catch each other's eye and he'd take me. I never had to ask or be asked once. I knew his body, his tattoos, muscles, hair, scent, moles, birthmarks, scars, and everything else, almost as well as my own by now. Every time I thought that my libido was out-matching his, he'd catch up with me or more. It was almost worrying. We physically could not get enough of one another and had found no breaking point. It was all I could do to stay hydrated. If it wasn't for my IUD I'd be carrying his child by now, without question. I'd gotten very used to being with a man who liked picking me up, sitting me on his lap, or just tossing me over his shoulder to take me to bed. The Bearded Hubby would have said I was "relinquishing my bodily autonomy," but it was so incredibly sexy having his hands all over me. If I ever resisted, it was only playfully. Also, other than Ben watching MMA matches, only when it was someone he'd actually fought, we had almost the exact same taste in television shows: cheesy fantasy and sci-fi, thoughtful documentaries, British dramas, comedies without laugh tracks, and late night comedy hosts of our same political persuasion. The weeks had flown by. Two people can spend a lot of time around one another and barely notice it if they're absurdly sexual compatible and like the same TV shows. Ben dipped the helicopter forward to get some more speed as we approached the island. The dipping forward to go faster thing had taken a little getting used to. I felt my stomach lurch a little. "Spencer, do you see that massive canyon ahead? That's the Waimea. It's beautiful. I've hiked out here some. It feels like another world in that canyon. It makes you want to live in it." "Wow," I said, taking it all in, ignoring my stomach. Shu chimed in with, "the Grand Canyon of the Pacific." I rolled my eyes a little. I was familiar with the nickname. I'd obviously googled Kauai and knew the basics. "The Grand Canyon of the Pacific," was the kind of thing you plastered all over tourist pamphlets. I was kind of still a tourist, I guess, but it still sounded cheesy. Maybe it was just Shu. Ben continued, "there's an ancient Hawaiian myth about the Waimea. About two lovers, Hiku and Kawelu. Kawelu hanged herself after the two had a lovers quarrel and Hiku had to toss a vine into the ocean and trick some spirits to get her soul back." He paused to check some measurements and call ahead to park officials who he'd gotten permission to fly in from. He continued, "Native Hawaiians believe that the spirit, 'uhane,' has its own life separate from the body, 'kino.' Her spirit was off living another life under the ocean when Hiku got it back. She crowed like a rooster after he shoved her uhane back into her dead body." He paused and I wondered about my own uhane, what kind of life it might lead without this body. It seemed like it might be kind of boring. "Can you crow like a rooster, Spence?" I could see him smiling from my seat. "I'm actually the best rooster crower. Did you know that about me?" "I didn't know that!" he replied with a smile. "There is a whole lot you don't know about me, boss," I joked. I looked out of the window and thought about the things Ben didn't know about me and what I could learn about him. With Ben, it felt like I'd just scratched the surface. "Yep, the Grand Canyon of the Pacific!" Shu exclaimed. I tried not to sigh loud enough for the microphone to pick it up. ~ [Nothing Else Matters by Apocalyptica (Metallica)] After we landed, Shu and Ben talked a lot about the scene, they were scouting for. Cordero's assassin character and a male spy were to wash up on the beach of a mysterious island after the small airplane they were in crashed. They were supposed to build a shelter, have sex, and then afterwards find out that he had a beacon to alert his other spies. They come in and try to kidnap her, but she kills them and steals their helicopter. It sounded complex and they had another location scouted for it, but couldn't use it because of an unexpected landslide. Hence the need for a sudden trip. After Shu went off to photograph and map out the area, a complicated job that would take awhile, Ben went on a walk on Kalalau beach with me. "We're going for a walk," was all he said to Shu. After we'd gotten out of earshot of Shu he said, "I like your other bathing suit better." "Yeah, you would," I laughed knowing he meant the string bikini. "I can wear it for you later tonight." "Oh yeah, you'd do that for me, Spencer? You are a sweetheart." "Yeah, I am. Glad you noticed." "Mhm. That is, unless one just so happens to drink the last bottle of wine that you'd been waiting alllllllllll da-" "Ugh, stop. I'm sorry I snapped at you, dammit," I said pushing him. "I was PMSing, I told you." "-aaaaaaaay long to drink," he finished, acting like I hadn't said anything. "Also, leave my wine alone. You have your whiskey." He laughed and nodded, then I finally dropped pretense and laughed. I had snapped at him pretty badly that day, but I was feeling like shit and really wanted that wine. When I got my first period in LA, I didn't recall getting any PMS. But the second time, it was bad. I couldn't sleep and when I did, I woke up every hour. I got easily frustrated, hence the snapping. On top of that, I got extremely turned on by weird things, like listening to Ben take a shower. But the biggest turn-on was him cumming in me right before my period. The way my body responded, he had to know it made me crazy. We walked for a while longer in silence, just enjoying the beautiful view. The mountains appeared to shoot right from the sandy, chocolate brown, and sienna toned coastline and were covered in greenery, with clouds of fog hanging over them. It was an incredible view and I thought, "I could live on these islands" for the first time since I'd come here. Well out of range of Shu's eyes or camera, Ben casually put his hand in mine. I looked up at him thinking, "he always wants one link, some kind of touch." After a little bit of hand holding, Ben said, "Hey Spencer, I want to talk to you about something." He sounded serious. I got a little nervous and asked, "personal or professional?" "Personal," he replied as we continued walking. "Okay." I had no idea what he was going to say. He was an enigma to me in a lot of ways. This could be "we can't keep doing this" or "I am in love with you," or anywhere in between. He cleared his throat and said, "Do you... do you have an eating disorder?" I stopped walking and stared at him. "I uhh..." I was too caught off guard to know how to reply. "I've just noticed that I never see you eat and I thought, 'maybe Spencer just eats when I'm not around' but then this morning at breakfast, you only had green tea and said, 'I'll eat a few protein bars at the beach,' but I've watched you every second, you haven't eaten anything all day. And it just made me remember that I'd thought about it before but didn't say anything. But... so do you?" He seemed overwhelmed with concern. I'd never seen him like this. I pulled my hand away and said, "I... just because I didn't eat this morning doesn't mean..." He walked towards me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, gently pressing me into his chest. He wasn't letting me evade his concern. I felt some feelings welling up inside. "You don't have to tell me, but... I worry." I started tearing up and said, "thank you. I... I should probably eat more, yeah. I have some unhealthy habits." I stopped short of saying I was anorexic, but that could be closer to the truth. I thought back to what Vera Cordero had said about Ben noticing everything but playing dumb. I was starting to see what she was talking about. "Okay, just, y'know, take care of yourself. Stay healthy, girl." I wiped my cheek and said, "is that a personal suggestion or a professional one?" "A little of both." He exhaled air a little and said, " I'm joking, it's personal." "Thank you." I felt my body relax, like a little bit of loneliness I hadn't realized was there had disappeared. He rested his chin on top of my head and said, "I care about you a lot, Spencer." I closed my eyes and said, "I care about you a lot, too." This was far more romantic than anything we'd said watching TV, getting drunk, or having sex together. After Sam and Travis, I felt myself subconsciously pull back from putting feelings out there without knowing they'll be returned. Ben saying these things was opening old parts of me that I knew I wasn't the type to keep locked for long anyway and new parts me, unfamiliar feeling, as a woman caring more and more for a very masculine man. He leaned down to kiss me as I felt my hair and knit cover-up blow in the sea breeze. I wrapped my arms around his waist. He looked into my eyes and said, "this is a 'thing' isn't it?" I matched his gaze and slowly said, "yeah, this is a 'thing.'" Something was different, like we'd only just now met on this beach. We kissed for a little longer in the warm sun. I was glad this was a 'thing' now. ~ [thank u, next by Vitamin String Quartet (Ariana Grande)] Knowing he craved contact, I rubbed Ben's leg through his ruffled black lycra shorts as he drove us home. Knowing that he cared about me added a new dimension to my own feelings. During our sunset drive, I played my string covers playlist on the ride back and Ben said, "you know, I think I'm actually starting to like this stuff." "You should use one in the movie. Trust me because that is my opinion as a professional Personal Assistant to an Oscar-nominated film director." I nodded sagely. "I will take it under consideration, sensei," he replied. When we got back into the house, I said, "did you know I used to play violin?" "Oh wow," he replied, pouring some whiskey on the rocks for himself. "Yeah. Years of training, recitals, the whole thing. When I turned 16 my parents let me choose between a car and an expensive violin. I chose the violin." I poured some sauvignon blanc and took a sip. "Awesome-sauce," he smiled. "Do you still play?" "Not in a while. I sold my only violin last year to help pay some bills when I got married. We got a few months rent because the resale value for violins is great, did you know that?" I remember not arguing with Sam when she suggested I sell it. I regretted it, now. "I had no idea. You could still play it with that huge beard?" "Oh, god. Yeah, I almost forgot I even used to have a beard. No, it's fine to play with a beard." I made a hand motion like I was stroking an imaginary beard and said with the deepest voice I could muster, "The Bearded Hubby was quite the violinist." As I responded I noticed that for the first time I'd ever seen, Ben was blushing. Maybe he was a little weird thinking about me playing violin or having a beard. I smiled and thought it was cute. I thought about the beach and how he'd opened up. I wanted a little more of that and felt like pushing. "So Ben," I started. "So Spence," he replied and I smiled and noticed he already had a hard-on. This was going to be an easy conversation. "I kinda want to find out what other things you like in bed, you know, that I might be into." He laughed and said, "oh boy. Okay, Spencer. Let me think," he said scratching his chin, arching an eyebrow, and sizing me up. "What do I like, hm." "Take your time," I said, grinning and sipping some wine. He took his time thinking and finally said, "lingerie." I smiled. "What kind?" "Like, you know. The stockings and stuff. I don't know what it's called." "Stockings, garters, garter belt, brazier. Lacy stuff. That sounds fun," I said, slyly. "Done." He nodded and smiled, "okay. Looking forward to it." I swirled my wine and said, "what about the camera" without a rising inflection to let him know that it wasn't really a question. Neither of us had even brought up the camera in his bedroom except for when he awkwardly told me "it's not on," one morning while we were lying in bed. There was no follow-up conversation. He dropped his eyes to the counter and said, "that, uhh... that's a big one, yeah." I nodded and said, "I've been wanting to tell you that I'm into it." "Oof, really?" He took a really deep breath and slowly exhaled. Then started nodding. "Spencer, I had no idea you were such a freak when we first met." "I know. I bet I came off as so vanilla... except for my porn star boobs." "You do have porn star boobs." We both laughed. This was by far the most we'd actually talked about sex instead of just doing it in weeks. "You know, I didn't used to be a 'big boobs guy," he said. "You're kidding," I said, thinking about how much attention he gave my tits, physical and with his eyes. "No joke. You have turned me into a 'big boobs guy.'" "I was never a big boobs guy, either," I said. "In fact, I think my own big boobs are the first big boobs I ever touched." We both laughed and then I said, "what about anal sex?" I took Ben for a guy who'd probably like anal sex. He smiled and said, "do you want me to fuck you in the ass, Spencer?" and came over to the side of the counter I was sitting at and grabbed my ass. "If you're really into it, I want to try it." He tilted my head up and kissed me, "I'm really into it. What about you, girl? What are your fantasies? Things you want to try?" He started massaging the back of my neck. "I've thought about that and, honestly, I think I'm just too new to the woman thing to know what to ask for." He raised an eyebrow and said, "I hadn't considered that. Makes sense." "Yeah. How about I will let you know when I figure it out." "Deal." I drank some more wine and we smiled at each other. "Oh, there is a little thing," I said watching his expression, noting that I had his undivided attention. "I love the way you fuck me, but one of the best positions for me is reverse cowgirl. So sometimes just relax, let me ride it and do all the work. Just hold my hips or squeeze my ass." "You do have a nice ass to look at." "Thank you. God, it gets so deep and feels amazing. I could do it all night." He smiled and nodded, his face giving away how much his synapses were firing. "You know, I've got two more cameras I can hook up, including a handheld. We can watch ourselves in the bedroom TV, switch views." "Reverse cowgirl views, you mean..." He nodded. We stared at each other for a few dozen heartbeats, put our drinks down, then practically ran upstairs. Getting impaled in my favorite position made me completely lose it a few times and I had to admit, my body looked sexy in the TV getting fucked. We rewatched the video later and I thought, "Ben got a good deal. Personal assistant and personal porn star for the same low price." ~ [Hey Soul Sister by Dallas String Quartet (Train)] A large and bald man rapped a heavy flashlight on my driver's seat window and motioned for me to roll it down. "Are you Moore?" he asked. The man was wearing a black shirt and camo pants. I didn't recognize this security guy from Cordero's usual entourage. "I am. Just picking up and dropping off some art." "Okay, drive on up. Ms. Cordero's waiting for you. Head down the driveway then drive around to the right into the second carport." "Thanks," I said rolling the window up. It was a large and secluded house with a very modern look of exposed wood and glass. The house was in a secluded Kahala neighborhood and owned by a family in Japan. Cordero was leasing it. I pulled into the carport and got out of the SUV, arching my head to see if I could see into the house. I heard some sounds from inside that sounded like yelling and thumping. "Not any of my business," I thought. I checked myself out in the SUV's window. I had a somewhat innocent look wearing a puce colored knee-length A-line skirt with a light sky-blue v- neck t-shirt and a lemon-yellow capelet around my shoulders helping distract from how deep that v-neck looked on me. I had on coral pink high heels, lipstick, and nails along with matching earrings and necklace, all silver with pink tourmaline. The look was a little bit of a trick, since beneath was a scarlet red-lace demi-bra and scarlet red lace garter-skirt, with lace-top black stockings. No panties. I was finally getting to be Ben's fantasy lingerie girl tonight. "Don't worry, you look cute, Moore," I heard a voice say above me. The carport door was framing Vera Cordero, Earth Mother, an actress who was probably in the top five paid of her profession. She had her hair in a ponytail, white lycra capri pants, and a white tank-top she'd sweated completely through with no bra. "Come in," she said waving me forward, breasts and nipples plain as day. "Heels off at the door." I hesitated for a split second and then followed her inside, putting my strappy heels at the door. This was supposed to be a quick drop-off and pick-up, but I was a little curious about the house and a lot curious about Vera. I stepped inside and saw a large workout mat in an open floor-plan house. Every window seemed to be flush with exterior greenery and there was an actual open fire pit to one side. A very lean man dressed similarly to Cordero was doing stretches and Vera suddenly yelled at him at the top of her lungs. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!" He bounded up onto his feet and without even looking at me said in a thick eastern-european accent, "one more to three, then I'm going home Vera." They then proceeded to wrestle around with each other in a confusing jumble of grunts, mat slaps, yelps, and one or both of them putting their ass in the other's face. I couldn't even tell who won. "Woo! Think you can take me, Moore?" Cordero said, energetically approaching me in some kind of stance. "I don't even know where to start," I said. Cordero showed the barest sign of a smirk and grabbed a towel off the back of a chair, ruffling her hair with it. The other man said something in another language and Cordero responded, "goodnight, KF." Then looked at me after he'd left the room and said, "I can't pronounce his name. It has some Ks and Fs in it, so I call him KF. Oh, come here, I want to show you some crazy fucking shit." She bounded down some spiral stairs that seemed to be practically hidden behind a wall. I carefully followed down, trying not to slip on the smooth floor in my stockings. At the bottom of the stairs there was a hallway, with a black door at the end with Cordero holding the handle, giving me a look. "Drumroll, please," she said with a serious expression as I approached. She opened the door and I nearly went into shock as multiple massive televisions started, all with the same blaring Japanese pop music and perverted anime girl dancing on them. The large room was floor to ceiling, wall to wall, TV screens, and where it wasn't it was filled with shelves of videos, books, and statues, all with anime girl characters or Japanese words on them. "I dunno if it's the couple's room or their kid's or something," Cordero yelled over the pop music, "but this shit is nuts. And no, I have no idea how to turn the music down," she put her mouth in my ear, "it just cycles through this and then another one starts and another one, all about the same. Can you fucking believe this?" She was laughing. I just shook my head and Cordero looked like she was almost out of breath laughing. I wasn't sure I completely understood her sense of humor. She picked up a pillow with an anime girl on it and caressed it lovingly as a joke. I laughed, but wasn't sure why. The music video suddenly started doing a flashing light thing along with the dancing. I thought, "If I was epileptic, I'd be in trouble." Cordero tossed the pillow aside and got up in my ear again, "Hey, Moore. Let's have a drink." She waited until I followed her out and then closed the door. The music stopped. "So fucking crazy. And perverted," she started walking back up the stairs. "A drink sounds good," I said following her back up the stairs and through a few empty rooms with sliding wooden doors until we hit an enormous kitchen. My ears were still ringing. I'm having sake. What do you want? Let me guess, white wine?" she asked, pulling out a bottle with Japanese symbols on it. "I like white wine, but I also really like sake," I said. I'd had it a few times cold and always liked it, but hated the warm kind. "Good to hear. This is crazy expensive, the good stuff." She brought two cups over to a heavy wooden bar table and started pouring, "I'd ask what the special occasion is, but I know you dress like this all the damn time." She'd made almost the exact same joke both times I'd had to make visits to the set. She always called me out. It felt a little like bullying then, though. Here it had the air of a friendly joke. I sat on a fairly tall bar stool and crossed my legs, then flattened out my skirt. "Yeah, no special occasion. Just a working girl," I said sipping sake. "When do you get off the clock?" She asked, not sitting down but standing and drinking beside me. I almost said, "Personal Assistants aren't movie stars who can make their own schedules," but then I remembered that she got up hours before me every day while I did a lot of my work in bed on my phone. "Not for awhile I said," noticing that she'd dried off a little but I could still see her chest. I couldn't tell if I thought she was flat chested or if she only was compared to me. Her boobs didn't require any support, at least. She apparently had zero issues being exposed like this to me. I guess it wouldn't be anything new to Ben or anyone who'd seen half her movies, either. As if on cue, I felt a familiar vibration and it was Ben saying, "going to be running a couple hours late." "Couple hours late, huh," Cordero said looking at my phone. "More sake with me, then." "Yeah, looks that way," I said not able to think of an excuse and somewhat glad that Ben hadn't said anything sexual in the text, not that he usually did. I replied with a thumbs up. I spent about half a bottle of sake worth of time listening to Cordero talk about all the sake tours she'd done in Japan and how she was a silent investor in some new ones operated by younger people, including the company that made what we were drinking tonight. She lived in LA but had met people here in Hawaii who were interested in starting one with her. She had a lot of thoughts about it. Even grimy from a workout, she was as charismatic in real life as well as when she was a superhero. Like a young and female Robert Downey Jr. with better cheekbones. I got so caught up in the sake story that I almost forgot why I was even here. Cordero and Ben shared the same art agent and they'd gotten their recent purchases sent to the other's address by accident. At some point her security let us know they'd switched out all the wooden crates of art and then left us alone. "You know, I'm really looking forward to actually seeing this damn movie Ben's making. I have always loved spy shit. James Bond is my favorite. I am obsessed with Bond. So much better than that superhero crap. But wait, you said you're an Earth Mother fan, right?" I nodded, "I love those movies." It was true. "I never watch anything in the theater anymore except for the Earth Mother movies and the spinoffs." "You know, I talk shit about those movies sometimes because I'm a cynical bitch, but really, fuck, so many people love them. It should make me happy, right?" "It should," I was feeling a strong buzz, so some truths were about to come out, "it was the only thing me and my ex watched and both really liked. You are great but I just liked the humor and talking mushroom sidekick and badassery... my ex was the Vera Cordero superfan, even more after the Switch I think." "Oh fuck, you both had it? Gave it to each other?" "Yeah, well he gave it to me." "Jesus, that prick. Switch dudes should be fitted with restraint collars, buncha rapists. Is that why you broke up with him?" "No, god. He was... is... kind of still very feminine in some ways. He was just very inconsiderate, before and after the switch, and you know, just didn't treat me right. Sexually." "Abused?" she said, but I shook my head. "Ohhhh, didn't treat you like a woman, you mean." "Yeah, we just weren't compatible. Sexually, or whatever." We both half- drunkenly chuckled while keeping eye contact, as if we'd just shared some great secrets. She took a couple of shots of sake and said, "You know, I thought you were full of shit the first time I met you. Nails and heels and 'ooh look at me, I'm so girly, and my boobs are so big' but yeah, it was just me though, I've been pushing back against all this feminine shit ever since I switched and then, I found out you had the switch and you were so feminine..." "No, I don't know what's up with me or why I'm like this. I can only guess where it comes from. I wish I was half as cool as you. I'm really just a basic bitch-" "Let me finish, Moore!" she laughed, clearly very drunk. "What I was saying is that you were so feminine," she paused, "I resented you. And I'm sorry. I just can't be like that, I can pretend but that's it. Though, ugh, I am such a girl in some ways that it freaks me out sometimes." I nodded and thought for a second before saying, "you've been both, man and woman, you should express yourself how you want. We have, I mean. But I'm just so so not interested in 'guy' stuff anymore." I was enjoying the conversation so much I'd forgotten I was wearing sexy lingerie under my clothes. "If there was a button, Moore, that I could press and just switch back, I'd probably push it. Fame, career, whatever." "I think I'm the opposite. If I switched back, I'd be begging for the girl button. It was a really easy and fast transition for me. I think maybe it was too easy. I was second-guessing myself. I think I'm starting to get over that, though." "You're doing great for just a few months." "Yeah? What were you like a few months after?" "Oh god, I was a wreck the whole first year or so. I burned a lot of bridges. Ugh." She smiled and put her head in her hands, "In my life, I hardly ever run into switchgirls. I really don't have anybody I can talk to about Switch stuff, you know. Thank you." "Hey, here's to us switchgirls. We have to stick together, right? You're the only one I know, too." I raised my sake glass and we both tipped our next one back. I knocked my empty cup over when I sat it down, but caught it before it rolled off the table. "Whoa, If I get you too drunk, I'll have my security drive you. I offered to take care of the art thing after all," she said. "It's no problem. I'm a little buzzed, I guess." "Irresponsible to drive with a buzz, Moore." "Call me Spencer or Spence." "Call me Vera," she said, and that's when the movie star leaned over and kissed me. If I had been completely sober, I wouldn't have kissed her back, but I did. She uncrossed my legs and pressed her body against mine. I suddenly remembered I wasn't wearing any panties and why. "Wait," I said. But Vera ignored me and came back in, this time with her hand up my skirt. She snapped one of my garters. "Oooh, garters," she said, "that's fucking hot." Then put her hand right up to my vagina, which was a little wet from the sake. Not from Vera. "No, Vera. We can't do this," I said putting a reasonable amount of force in pushing her away and closing my legs. "No panties, girl? Damn," she sighed and put her head on my shoulder, then after a few seconds said, "okay, I get it. We're good. Goddamn though, I really wanted to put my head between those titties." The Earth Mother was actually pouting. Begging, really, just a few inches from my face. "Well," I thought, "if Ben had said one thing about exclusivity, I would say 'no.'" I gave her a playfully sarcastic look like I was considering it and said, "okay, but that's it. Nothing else." I took off my capelet. She chuckled and wiggled her shoulders, then slowly planted her face into the v-neck of my shirt. She squeezed my tits with her head in between them long enough to get a lasting impression, and for one of them to fall out of my demi-bra. Then pulled up saying, "somebody's going to get a treat tonight, all that lingerie. It's not Ben, is it?" "Heh, is the kind of guy who'd like this kind of thing? You would know," I said slyly, readjusting my boobs inside my lingerie. She gave me some space and said, "Fuck no, we weren't exactly a 'foreplay couple.' But he might be into it, I don't know." She gave a thoughtful expression, "he might be into girly girls now, it's been awhile." I gave her a coy look and said, "whatever the Switch did, I am strictly into dudes now. It was like a switch flipped." She rolled her eyes and I said, "accidental pun." "Pun away," she said finally sitting down in a bar stool, dejected but showing no resentment. "God, I could live between those tits." I held up my sake cup and she filled it. I sipped it and said, "those tits are for men only. Preferably big strong men. Not even the Earth Mother, Protector of Sol, could change that." "Oh shit, that's serious." she said, with a dry humor. Then she gave me a quizzical look and said, "Hey, so you're not even a little gay?" I shook my head. "Very straight. I mean, I remember what it was like to be attracted to women, but I can tell that I'm just not." She sighed. "Okay, weird. Like, every Switchgirl on the planet except you is at least a little bi. You are sworn to secrecy about my love of pussy. As far as the viewing public is concerned, I'm a dick-loving girl. Don't make me whip out a NDA." She drank some more sake. I replied dryly, "Hey, the first rule of professional Personal Assistants is "May your vault of secrets be always locked.'" She looked at me and said, "is that real?" "I just made it up," I said. "That sounded fucking real," we both chuckled. ~ [Hallelujah by Dallas String Quartet (Leonard Cohen)] Ben pulled into the garage immediately after I did. We got out of our SUVs at the same time. "Hey," I said, letting him know I was a little buzzed as he kissed me hello. "I was drinking sake with Vera." You're fired, Spence. No drunk driving," he said squeezing my butt. "I know, I suck," I said following him into the house. "So, she's 'Vera' now, huh?" "Oh yeah," I held up my phone. "We exchanged numbers. She already texted to make sure I got back safe." "That's actually kind of a huge move for her," he replied. I slid into the seat of a barstool, then we exchanged looks and I gave him the unmistakable expression of sexual need. I'd been crazy horny thinking about my undergarments with no panties while driving home. I tugged my skirt up my thigh on one side enough so that he could see the lace of my stocking. He came up to me on the stool and then lifted me up and put me on the counter, putting me at his height. I spread my legs as we kissed and he quickly discovered my secret. "No panties?" he said, making a "ooh" expression. I took off my capelet and tossed it on the counter, then gave him a look that said, "help me with the rest." He wordlessly kissed me and lifted my shirt off, exposing my lacy red demi-bra, which was doing a decent job of actually holding my tits in place considering it was just fabric. He gave me a look of understanding and then started kissing my chest, easily releasing my breasts from their cups and kissing my nipples. He started fingering me and I moaned, but I quickly remembered that I wanted him to see my whole outfit before we went too far. I slid down off the counter as gracefully as I could, and landed on my heels. I undid the velcro tightener for my skirt, and Ben yanked my skirt down and let it fall to the ground around my heels. Then looked at him with a "you like?" expression as he admired my lingerie. The scarlet garter skirt started a little below my belly-button and barely made it halfway down my ass. Even though this was all a show just for him, it made me feel sexy and confident. I started striding towards the stairs as he felt the fabric of my undergarments around my waist. Then slowly, emphasizing hip movement, I ascended towards the top floor. I thought about Ben's view, my ass and pussy, and knew that the lingerie was doing a good job of framing my most private areas, just for him. I looked back at Ben's face and confirmed that he must agree. Looking at him I thought, "I hope he enjoys taking my anal virginity tonight." I was curious about what it would be like. I'd prepped a small kit with lubricant and stuffed it under his bed, but I really didn't care too much about the pain. If anything, I was looking forward to a new way to feel a cock deep inside me. When we got to the bedroom door I made him reach around me to unlock it and wiggled back against him, feeling his stiff cock under his pants. The elevation provided by the heels worked well for this, and he squeezed my breasts and hips for a second before opening the door. I was quickly guided towards the bed, spreading my ass for Ben on my hands and knees, presenting my gaping pussy to start. He took me from behind after disrobing, and I felt one of his hands on my garter skirt while he fucked me. I looked at him in the mirror and saw that he had his phone out, then the TV came on and I watched my tits swinging on it, still only partially free from the scarlet demi. Ben had explained to me that this phone only had a bluetooth connection to the camera set up and wi-fi, not a cellular connection, so I wasn't worried about anyone hacking it. He switched to the camera view and I watched his dick going into me from his perspective. I arched my back a little, which made it look hotter, and saw how my huge breasts were easily seen at either side of my small frame from behind. I loved watching the lips of my pussy wrap around his cock. I could have fucked like this all night, but I said, "let me get something," and pulled away from him long enough to reach under the bed and hand him the lubricant, making eye contact and biting my bottom lip to let him know I was ready. I got back into position and resumed bouncing my ass against him, but a few seconds later I felt something gooey on my asshole as he rubbed it into me, getting deeper and deeper with his fingers. I liked the feeling his fingers and his cock rubbing against one another inside me. Before he'd only ever brushed his fingers up against my anus, but I always made sure to be completely clean for him. It always turned me on to know I was so exposed. He pulled out and I felt him feeling around for a new way inside me. The first few inches of his cock penetrating my ass felt like forcing a square peg into a round hole, even with the lubricant, but then he filled my body with the rest. I felt something tear a little inside and then in an extremely unsexy way, the dick was tricking my brain into thinking I had to use the bathroom. But as he shifted in and out of me, adding more lubricant, the feeling changed. There was pain when he brushed up against the tear inside me, but I could ignore it. It was turning me on thinking that we were doing something dangerous and taboo. I could also feel his cock in a different more intimate way, I was about to feel the shape of the head of his dick instead of just an intense pressure. I started getting used to it, but could tell that I didn't have nearly as much anal sex stamina compared to regular sex, so I reluctantly looked back and verbally communicated, "cum in me soon." Ben tossed the phone back onto a pillow, then turned me around without pulling out, hiking my heels way up in the air and holding my legs apart. He had a determined look on his face, and I felt myself getting really turned on thinking about how his cock was in my ass while my pussy was gaping wide for him as well. I felt open and vulnerable as he pumped me hard using shallow thrusts, and then plunged deep to fill me with cum. We fell over together with him still inside me. I looked at him and said, "don't move" feeling the flood of cum inside that was going to escape as soon as he pulled out. I eased off of his cock and covered my bottom with a hand, jogging to the bathroom. I started spurting his jizz before I could make it to the seat. It reminded me a little of the first week of the Switch. After we cleaned ourselves up, I curled into his arms as he spooned me. My ass felt stretched and a little sore, and I knew that wasn't going away anytime soon. "You really went all out for me, Spencer," Ben said stroking my lingerie- covered hips and thighs. "Yeah," I replied. "It turned me on, too." I thought for a moment and said, "it might be awhile before I'm okay with anal again." It wasn't terrible, but I couldn't say I was a fan. If it was one of Ben's huge turn-ons, I could live with it every now and then. In a very low register, he said, "all I really need is your pussy" right in my ear. "Yeah?" I said, "You should wake me up before you leave in the morning." I didn't care how sore I might be tomorrow, I wanted him inside me. I reached back and ran my hands through his curly hair while he kissed the back of my neck. I'd never felt this physically and emotionally close to Sam the entire time we were married. I thought, "damn, we're avoiding saying it, but I am obviously his girlfriend." I felt my heart being tugged, and then I suddenly felt a pang of guilt that Vera had found out about the lingerie before he did, and that she'd kissed me. Ben and I were so intimate, it felt a little like cheating to me. I decided to tell him about it to clear my conscience and to see how he'd react. "So, when I was at Vera's house, she came onto me." "Oh, did she?" Ben chuckled, but I felt a slight change in how he was touching my hips. "Yeah," I waited for him to say more, but he didn't so I continued. "She kissed me but I told her to back off. I'm not into girls." Ben chuckled again and said, "yeah, she was barking up the wrong tree there." "Yeah," I said, then paused. "Also, I'm a one 'thing' at a time woman." Ben twisted me around in his arms so that I was facing him and kissed me, then said, "I feel the same." We made out passionately for a while and then he said, "you know, we have a lot more in common than I expected." I nodded and said, "mhm. We have a lot in common." He kissed my throat and I continued, "a lot of very good things." The way he held me in his arms that night made me feel like everything I'd ever known as "love" before had been an illusion of words and I didn't even know what concept to use in its place. ~ [Firework by Dallas String Quartet (Katy Perry)] Ben and I remained in almost constant contact without holding hands while walking around the Buddist statues, waterfalls, bamboo forests, and labyrinths of Maui's Secret Garden. Ben was wearing lime green shorts and I'd been staring at his thick calf muscles all day. I'd told him it was a good color on him. "Are you religious, Spencer?" Ben asked, looking at a line of statues. "No, not really. I do like believing that there's something powerful out there that we don't understand, but I kind of enjoy the mysteriousness of it. You?" He nodded. "I was raised Christian, but a lot of it had a very Hawaiian flavor. Heh. I don't know what I believe now. I think I might hate religion." "Hate's a strong emotion." "Yeah. I just get very, hm, angry when people refuse to change with the times I guess." I nodded and said, "I can understand that." We walked for awhile longer just quietly taking things in. We'd come to Maui to shoot a few establishing shots and drone shots for a few scenes in the morning. The rest of the crew was gone, so Ben decided to take me sightseeing. I was really enjoying Maui. It seemed like there were amazing views everywhere and it was more laid back than Oahu. It felt good for me to get more closely acquainted with my left boob's namesake. As we left the gardens and headed towards Ben's massive Escalade, he said, "I like this look on you, by the way," from behind me. I turned and said, "Oh, really? You just like that my cheeks are poking out." I was wearing a white baby doll crop top T-shirt that just said, "I'm not THAT friendly" on it and distressed blue denim overalls with revealing booty shorts cutoffs. I also had on pink and white boat shoes with no socks and a pink and white floral ball cap that my long black ponytail was sticking out the back of. Additionally: wire-rim sunglasses, pink fingernail polish, lip gloss, and a tan leather purse backpack. "I do like that," he said getting in the rented SUV. "I usually only see your butt at home." I chuckled getting in the vehicle and putting my backpack purse on the floor, then when the doors were closed and the tinted windows were rolled up, we kissed. Then I suggested, "Let's go eat at that poke food truck we saw on the way here." Ben agreed and headed in that direction. "Thank Vera for the butt cheek exposure, by the way. She gave me these overalls. They're worth, like, a serious chunk of my paycheck. She let me try on a bunch of things she didn't like and this was the only thing that fit, but I loved the way it looked on me." He sighed contentedly and said, "I'll have to remember to thank her, all right." I smiled and said, "I hope I haven't made you jealous, hanging out with her." "No, babe, I'm good. I trust you. Besides, I think you and Vera are good for each other." "Oh yeah," I said, tugging at my overalls strap. "Well I'm obviously good for her, but how is she good for me?" He grinned really wide and said, "Well, I can see her providing you with a unique perspective." "Yeah. She definitely does that." I crossed my arms and said, "I kinda hoped you'd be a little jealous." We smiled at each other and instead of verbally responding, he just massaged my thigh. He knew Vera couldn't give me what I needed. What he gave me all the time. We had to park a few hundred feet away from the poke bowl truck because it was so busy, then stood in line for half an hour before ordering food, but it was worth it. When Ben ordered, the food truck guy said, "and what's your girlfriend getting?" Neither of us corrected him and after I ordered, we smiled at each other. There was nowhere to sit and eat near the food truck so we headed back to the escalade, opened the rear door, and sat to eat facing away from the road. "The fish and rice taste amazing and I love all the nori," I said chowing down. "We actually managed to get a nice view from where we parked." "Yeah. Having opinions on poke bowl food trucks? You're finally going native." "I'm a changed woman," I smiled. "That's... an understatement, isn't it?" He arched an eyebrow at me and it took me a few seconds before I realized he was talking about the Switch. "Oh yeah, right. Yeah, it's crazy. It feels like I've been a woman my whole life now, but it really hasn't been that long." "Heh. So, what were the most shocking changes?" I smiled and said, "the huge boobs." "I can imagine. What was your first thought?" I was talking through bites. "That I might get breast reduction surgery, but fuck that. I love my big boobs, but they took some getting used to. I knocked a coffee cup off a table with them early on. It broke. Very sad." "Any other shocks?" "Hmm. Yeah, it took some time for me to be okay with always being on display, going out in public showing lots of skin, or like, having all the contours of my body me visible. That kind of thing. Guys' clothes are bulky. Mostly. Women's clothes can be, but... it's better if they're not." "But you like that now?" "Yeah, it happened quick. For me it took seeing the results in the mirror and poof, concern went away. I live for wedgies, bare shoulders, and everyone seeing my belly. Fashion before comfort, Ben." Ben chuckled, "What about private stuff?" "Ohh, let me see. I guess it's okay for me to tell you this kind of thing since I'm your girlfriend..." "Mhm," he replied. I draped a leg over his. "So, let's see, I had my first period about a month after getting an IUD, and it was pretty heavy. The cramps were bad, but they were more startling than painful. Like an internal yank paired with a shock. Though I did have a few crazy intensely painful cramps." "Interesting," Ben said, stroking my bare legs. "Tampons are weird, especially seeing the little string dangling every now and then. I just use the regular kind and have no idea about the larger ones and who uses those. Literally nothing prepared me for a lot of the other gross feelings while on my period, that I won't go into. I also hate how my breasts get extremely stiff and sore." "Mhm, I know about that," he said, probably recalling me asking him to be gentle with them occasionally. "What else?" "I was just so straight, so fast. Like, I'd already renounced women before the halfway point. Looking back, I'm really surprised I was ever into women at all, even as a guy. I look back and think that maybe I was deep in the closet or something. I'm also surprised I didn't cheat on Sam. I guess I am just very monogamous, but I was horny. A lot." Ben squeezed my leg and looked at me. He wanted to fuck me, I could tell. "I love the way my pussy feels," I said leaning my body back and spreading my legs a little. "Sex as a woman is like, your whole body is consumed by it. When I was a guy I just wanted to do it. But now, it's like, another sexual world altogether." I started squirming as he rubbed my crotch, "sometimes I just think about the texture of your cock all day, or how your hands feel on my body." "Like this?" He kept rubbing my crotch, putting just the right amount of pressure into it. "Yeah, like that." I shuddered. "Fuck." He rubbed my pussy through my denim booty shorts for a while, then slid a finger inside me. I nodded at him with a half-lidded expression. He wrapped his hand around my exposed waist and pulled me close, kissing me. "I'm gonna fuck you in the back seat of this car," he said. In a flash the doors were all shut, the air conditioner was on, and I was straddling him in the roomy backseat. We made out a little bit with one of his hands grabbing my ass while he used the other to finger me, but it wasn't long before I started undressing. First my overalls were unfastened at the top and my shirt and bra were pulled off, along with my ball cap. Then I halfway stood up so he could tug down my the rest of the overalls and my panties, while I unzipped his shorts and pulled out his cock. I was too distracted by the occasional car driving past, and how my bare ass might be visible through the front windshield, to have an orgasm. But I loved the position and how Ben played with my ass and buried his face in my tits. It also turned me on how I was naked except for shoes while he was clothed. Ben surprised me and had three orgasms inside while I rode, the most he'd ever had at one time. At the end he wrapped his big arms around me to pull me close and I thought, "I love this man." I smiled at him but decided to keep my love a secret, for now. ~ [The Man Who Sold the World by Eklipse (David Bowie)] A lot of people don't know this, but movie sets are the most boring places on the planet. It's impossible to ascertain this fact when you're sitting down to actually watch a movie, with the editing, music, lighting, and cinematography. But when you're actually there, it's a lot of waiting around while people set things up, then a few people come out and look like people just talking to each other but they have to say the same things over a few times, and then you're done. It seemed boring compared to my job where I had to coordinate Ben's lives: director life, distillery life, rich person property owner life, martial arts life, personal life, and so on. It felt like I always had ten things I was doing at the same time keeping up with him. I sat thinking about all the calls I was currently ignoring and all the text messages I needed to make while absentmindedly eating a bagel, hating that it had carbs, but liking that Ben could see me eat it. I was slowly trying to lure myself away from the dangerous world of anorexia, but I couldn't help but think that starving myself was the best way to fit in all my clothes and stay sexy. I had a long way to go. "Hey, I'm about to head out, you cool?" Vera asked, dropping by my seat on the far wall of the sound studio we were renting at Diamond Head Studios. "Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. Did your sister like your present?" "Ohh fuck, I forgot," she said rolling her eyes. "Thank you for reminding me." Vera Cordero was dolled up to an extreme degree, going heavy on the sexy assassin vibe, which seemed odd to me at this point knowing her as I did. All she had to do was shoot a scene where she walked into a hotel room on the sound stage and get hit with a tranquilizer dart, but it still took an entire morning of costume and makeup to make sure she matched the outfit from the connecting scene. She pulled out her phone and started calling people, trying to send her sister all the Earth Mother stuff she'd set aside for her based on our conversation yesterday. "God, thank you for asking," she said, putting her hand on my shoulder. "Life-fucking-saver." We both nodded at one another. I was giving Vera advice regarding her family now, despite still being estranged from mine with zero interest in healing that divide. She confided in me that she "didn't want to always be 'the asshole'" when it came to her relatives. Vera's family seemed like they were worth the effort, but Vera herself seemed to always put herself first and not think of other people's needs. My perspective was mostly to counter that in instinct of hers. "Hey," she said, hanging up the phone, "I'm flying into LA tonight, but I'm looking forward to the yacht shoot when I get back." I nodded, "that one is stressing me out." "Don't sweat it," Vera said with a signature slight scowl. "I'm sure it'll work out." Since she was still dressed up like a badass assassin, and had a naturally cool demeanor, it felt like she was sharing some kind of spy conversation with me. It made me smirk. "All right. Later," she said leaving with her entourage of bodyguards, clothiers, and beauty experts. I'd been able to spend a little time around Vera Cordero in the week or two since she'd put her hand up my skirt. We'd become a lot closer. Other than one or two awkward paparazzi experiences I'd completely forgotten she was famous, though I did feel single-handedly responsible for the amount of enthusiasm she was going to have for the third film in her Earth Mother series. We didn't have a ton of things in common, but there was an unmistakable feeling of trust between us. I saw Myra on the other side of the set with Vera's body double, but she didn't make eye contact with me. After the dress-fitting experience we barely interacted. Most of the people on the set left me alone, actually. I wondered if it was because I worked directly for Ben. Or maybe because Vera and I were always talking. Or maybe it was because I'd caught The Switch. Or maybe I just wasn't important enough to bother with. Or maybe I wasn't social enough. Or maybe it was because I looked 19. I'd lost two or three years of age with the Switch, but I'd gained all of these genetic anxieties. I'd gone for check-ups a few times since I got to Hawaii, each time coming up without complications, but there were always days when I thought, "what if this is it? What if I only have a few more months?" It was terrifying and the doctors always started out with consolations like, "you are healthy," but then "just be careful" after they fully absorbed my record and red flags. Ben walked up to me and said, "Spencer, have you talked to my yacht people?" I nodded, "yeah, it's all taken care of," then took a bite of a bagel in front of him and smiled. I had somehow ended up being responsible for everything and anything related to shooting a bunch of scenes on Ben's yacht, the Lacuna. It wasn't too difficult, just required me to make a new checklist. If there was anything I was good for in this environment, it was being a human computer for checklists, social media posts, and text messages. Ben said "Thanks!" giving no hint that he came in me twice last night in the kinky bedroom we shared. I felt conflicting emotions. It turned me on a little that we shared a secret, but it turned me off a lot being treated like just a PA. He then headed back to a few dozen people asking his opinion on things. I wasn't even an accessory on these film sets. I was almost dead weight. I sighed and headed back to the catering table for more cream cheese for this bagel. The last thing Vera and I had talked about was how she'd given up bagels and she missed them. In her honor, I was trying to reacquaint myself knowing I'd take at least two more bites before throwing it away. From the other side of a thin barricade, I overheard Levi Gardner talking to someone saying: "I'm just saying, whatever I can do to get in that new Tarantino film make it happen. Anyway, different topic, can you work your magic for me?" I ignored the conversation and watched Ben. He was looking through a viewfinder and making authoritative gestures with his massive arms. It might be the PMS, but watching Ben at work was turning me on some and making me feel feelings. Everyone respected him so much here while I would get him all to myself later. I suddenly suspected that maybe people would be nice to me to get closer to him if they knew about us. The idea of it made me feel uncomfortable. "I don't know where you find these girls. Her tits are incredible. It's all we can talk about on the set. They look real. Did she have a kid or something? Teen mom?" I stopped moving, it sounded like he was talking about me. "Huh, I thought she was younger than that, Kurt. Still, at least now I know Ben's not fucking her, he's a flicker but has that thing about not fucking really young chicks." "Oh fuck," I thought. "He's talking about me with Kurt Walker." Walker was Levi's agent. Levi thinking that I was too young for Ben made me suddenly feel extremely self-conscious. I probably seemed like a little kid next to him and he was always referring to me as "girl." Ben was easily old enough to be my dad, after all. I looked around and nobody else was close enough to hear the conversation. Levi continued. "Way too young for him, just right for me." he paused. I started slowly putting cream cheese on my bagel. "She's not nearly as slutty as you hyped her up to be, man. How about just hook him up with someone else and make her work for me. Nah, I tried. She's playing hard to get. How about make her easy to get? Yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't work that way. Just put the feelers out." I had no idea what Walker was saying on the other line. I already knew Levi Gardner was a piece of shit, and it was probably the biggest red flag I'd seen from Ben that he was business partners with him. "Oh, you know Vera likes her right? I asked her if she was fucking her and that bitch told me to suck her dick. They're palling around though, so people are steering clear. No tits are worth getting on Vera's bad side. All right, well I gotta work. Let's go to that wagu place when I get back to LA. All right, later." I fast-walked about thirty feet away and then played it off like I'd been eating a bagel and looking at my phone as Levi hung up and walked around to the catered food. "Hey," he said to me, pushing bagels around to find one. I nodded but didn't look up. He was wearing a tailored blue suit and was kind of good- looking guy, in a sleazy way, despite being a monstrous piece of shit. He was playing Vera's spy boss in this film who was secretly the bad guy. He looked at me and said, "what kind of movies do you like?" I looked up and said, "um, all kinds of movies I guess." "Yeah? How about you come by my place and watch one with me tonight. I've got a projection room and pretty much every movie." He smiled and raised an eyebrow. "It's tempting and thank you," I lied, "but I have to work." "When's your next night off?" He took a bite of a breakfast burrito. His eyes were glued to my chest. I wasn't in the mood for a confrontational rejection, but I also was never going to 'watch a movie' at his house. "Umm, I haven't worked out a schedule with Mr. Hale yet," I lied again. I always said, "Mr. Hale" on the set when referring to Ben, but now I was feeling so self-conscious about my age it made it sound like I was a child and Ben was an adult. "Fair enough. I'll ask him then. I've got a nice big theater we can watch something in." He smirked and tried leaning on the catering table and got cream cheese all over his suit. "Aw fuckin' great." He said sarcastically, then walked away and towards the costume folks yelling about the caterers. When he eventually asked Ben about my schedule to have me over for a movie, Ben made sure that the invite went out to a large number of the crew along with me. My recommendation was both Earth Mother movies back to back. Two dozen of us watched them together at Levi's ostentatious house. I was never more than a foot away from Ben and Levi didn't bother me. Vera was not in attendance. ~ [Zombie by Vitamin String Quartet (The Cranberries)] I ignored my calf muscle cramping up standing on my tiptoes in the bathroom of the Lacuna's master bedroom. Ben was so tall that he had to drop his body low to a low angle to fuck me. Other than my buttcheeks clapping against him, we were being quiet, but he was fucking me with my legs together which was intense, so it was still smart that he was covering my mouth with his hand. Despite the lower leg discomfort, I'd desperately needed this. I'd been jealous and horny and lonely and stressed out all day. I was trying to hold onto all the levels this sex was working for me on, because I knew it wouldn't last long. I made eye contact in the bathroom mirror as he shot his load inside me. My eyes rolled back in my head and I stifled a moan. It was right before my period and just like the last time we'd fucked right before my period, him cumming inside me made me feel so good that I couldn't put it into words. Just jaw-shudderingly happy, even if only for a few blissful moments. I heard laughter from all the people partying on the flybridge and Ben pulled out of me. I sat on the toilet to let the cum leak out and ben zipped his pants back up. I could still see the outline of his cock. He looked at his phone and said, "56 seconds," and nodded. "Wow, good job," I said dryly. He wanted a quickie so none of the crew would notice. We didn't even get a whole minute in. "See you in a bit," he said kissing my forehead then heading out of the master bedroom, leaving me alone. "Shit, he ripped my panties," I said, noticing that the band was down to the elastic with frayed white lace dangling past my knee. I put my head in my hands. I was so stressed out from having done so much to prep this yacht shoot and everything had been smooth, but I was still anxious. Probably because I spent all day having Levi Gardner try to flirt with me while Ben and Vera yucked it up like lovers shooting the movie. We were shooting some scenes where Vera and Levi's character were both trying to sleep with the other to get information and then one of them shoots the other. I thought, "I think Vera shoots Levi. I'm not really sure. I don't really care." I was so insanely jealous of Ben and Vera today and I was also feeling guilty for feeling jealous. I also felt stupid because I'd caught myself acting like I knew shit about making movies that I really didn't and it was probably very obvious that the 21-year-old girl was full of shit. "Ugh!" I said out loud, cringing. I wiped and stood up, hiking up what was left of my panties. I was the closest thing there was to a "producer" on this boat, so I had to get to work. I examined myself in the mirror to make sure nothing was out of place. My outfit was a dangerously low-cut (for me) V-neck navy blue dress with a white band around the snug waist and a maxi-length circle skirt, pearls everywhere and white open toe heels. I went sky-blue on the nail polish and even wore a little bit of eye-shadow in the color. I thought it made me look more mature. I headed upstairs to the main deck and checked in on the crew. Marcella, the Captain and engineer, was a middle-aged French woman I'd hired a few days ago, who in turn had hired a deckhand and two stewardesses. I also waved at Nohea, the chef I'd hired for this. They all treated me with respect despite my age, gender, or lack of fame and fortune. I sharply inhaled and then headed up to the flybridge, where the film crew and stars were partying. Everyone was in little cliques: Vera, Ben, and Levi were standing beside a bar table sipping cocktails; Avery the script- girl and Hannah from makeup were laughing together; Jack, Hector, and Zach were all being loud together. It was decided early on that we'd just have a small crew on the boat and everyone would just sleep here instead of going back to land then back on the boat, etc. "Hey, Spencer come here we have a question," Zach the sound guy bellowed at me. "This better be good, Zach." I replied, crossing my arms. Zach raised a beer at me, he was overweight and had a scraggly beard. He liked bad jokes and puns, and always had one ready, but at least him and the other film dweebs didn't hit on me. "What do video games and boobs have in common?" "Oh, please," I said, already walking away. "They're made for kids, but adults get more enjoyment out of them." He and the film dweebs laughed while I just nodded and walked away. I was showing a lot more cleavage than I usually did and they were drinking, so he probably figured he'd go for a boob joke. I didn't even bother checking in on Hannah and Avery, those two had been snubbing me mean girl style since the first minute on the yacht. I chalked at least some of it up to how they were both tattooed and pierced hipster chicks while I was walking around dressed, well, very differently. "- not getting my own room is bullshit," I heard Levi whine. "C'mon, Levi. Don't be such a spoilsport," Ben said as I approached the movie star table. Vera looked at me sternly and said, "you and me sharing the Queen in the master bedroom tonight, by the way. It was just decided." She was wearing her costume from the scene: tight black leather pants and a red corset with a leather bomber jacket over it. I slowly nodded in response. Ben had requested a second camera operator and script supervisor for the shoot so it threw off all of my plans for who got what room. It was originally supposed to be Levi and Vera getting the large bedrooms, and then Ben and Hector would share a double-bed room with Zach while Hannah and I would share the other. "Okay, so you and me in the rear master, Hannah and Avery in a double-bed room," I started thinking out loud. Ben completed my thought, "Zach, Hector, and Jack in the other master with some airbeds, Levi and me sharing the other twin." Levi rolled his eyes and said, "I'm probably just going to get drunk and crash on a couch." He looked at me and smirked, saying, "Spencer'll keep me company, right?" His eyes were unashamedly staring at my cleavage. I sighed and said, "I need a drink," and Ben poured me some liquor. "Not my favorite, but it'll do," I thought. "It's just amazing to me that you were a guy not too long ago, honestly," Levi said. "That disease is fucking crazy." I nodded. He'd said the same thing at least once or twice during the shoot when he was trying to talk to me. I caught Ben's eye as he inhaled to say something and gave an imperceptible headshake to ward him off of trying to change the subject. "Fuck it," I thought, "let's give Levi enough room to hang himself." Vera was sipping her drink and looking at everyone, not joining in. "I mean, it must have hurt, right?" Levi asked. "Not really," I replied. Ben raised his eyebrows. I could tell he might be curious about this as well. "I had cramps from losing a lot of body mass at the beginning, though." "I mean, growing those- uhh, turning into a woman? Going through puberty? Surely there must be growing pains or soreness?" "Honestly, no. No growing pains or soreness. No idea why, really." I looked at Vera and she gave a thoughtful nod. "Oof, can't imagine," he responded. "What would you do if you caught it, Levi?" I asked. "Oh that's easy. I would be the absolute sluttiest girl you've ever seen. Hands down." We all laughed. "I mean, if I came out of it a straight girl, I'd probably just wake up every day in a different bed or something. I can see it now." Ben laughed and said, "yeah. That's probably about right." "What about you, Ben?" Vera asked. "What kind of girl would you be like?" "Oh, I'd be a nice girl. Marriage, kids, that kind of thing." I smiled at him and thought, "yeah, I could see that." A part of me was surprised that Ben hadn't already started a family. He had a calm and supportive demeanor. "Kids are gross," Vera replied. "Parasites, basically." "Okay, Vera," Ben said dismissively and they both smirked at one another. Being near them when they made faces like this at one another felt completely different from when it was far away. From a distance, it made it seem like they had a special and secret relationship but from up close, it was the opposite. It felt like an acknowledged distance. Levi, still with his eyes on me, took a sip and asked, "What about you Spencer? Kids?" I thought about how my IUD was probably the only thing keeping me from getting pregnant right this second and choked a little on my drink. "Hah, you okay Spencer?" Ben asked, hiding concern. "Yeah, wrong pipe." I cleared my throat and said, "I want kids, yeah. Maybe two or three while I'm young so I'll have an easier time getting back in shape and won't be too old to enjoy an empty nest." "Heh, wow," Levi replied. "So you're kind of baby crazy, huh?" "I'm a little baby crazy," I made brief eye contact with Ben and saw him blush. "Estrogen is strong stuff, Levi. But also, being a mother is something that I like the idea of." "Well, if you need help conceiv-" "Levi, I'll fucking murder you if you complete that sentence," Vera intoned with deathly seriousness. "All right, Vera," Levi said. "I've had a couple of close calls, but I don't want kids yet. Maybe someday. You're off the hook, Spencer." I raised a glass to that, refraining from making any facial expression. Ben smiled at me and said, "I think you'd make a good mother, Spencer." I smiled back and thought, "that's damn right, you'd better think that." I actually said, "Yeah, and I could restart my YouTube channel as a mommy vlogger, but I'd have to change the old name." "What!? I want to watch some. Boy Spencer stuff? Is it still up?" Vera asked with intense curiosity. "Yeah, Spencer Moore the Bearded Hubby," I said as she got out her phone. "Wait," Levi said with a huge smile on his face, "You were the Bearded Hubby guy?" Ben and Vera looked at Levi and then at me with wide eyes. "Yeah... why?" "Heh, oh wow. I used to use those beard care videos for a couple of indie flicks I grew a beard for back to back. Really good advice." "Thanks. Yeah," I stammered a little. "I'm glad you found it helpful." "I did. Actually, I'm pretty sure I'm still a Patreon supporter." "Oh wow, thanks," I said. I didn't make a lot of money through Patreon, but it had helped a ton for the last year and a half or so. Amazing to think that I'd been getting money from Levi Gardner. Levi pulled up his phone and said, "I'm 'Hair Gardener.' Oh shit, looks like my card expired." I was speechless. Hair Gardener was the only Patreon subscriber I'd had at the top tier level. They'd never even spoken to me and accounted for well over half the money I got. "I... wow, thank you. That funding helped me through some tough times." "Oh cool," he said messing with his phone. "Well I updated the card and canceled the Patreon. You're not making beard videos anymore, right?" All three of us shook our heads in amazement at him. I said, "No, I guess I'm not." Levi was a complete ass, but it was kind of revelatory finding out he?d supported me and Sam without really seeming to even care. It stung, in a way, being reminded of how different of a world these people lived in. Suddenly, the conversation moved on without me. Levi, Vera, and Ben shared in-jokes, talked about magazine interviews they?d recently done, gossipped about other celebrities, shared personal opinions on diet fads, contemplated the box office success or failures of the year, and talked in general about topics that only famous people could discuss. I stopped listening and gazed out over the ocean. I thought that I could still vaguely make out the Big Island from where we were, miles and miles from the mainland and at night. I thought about a map of the earth or even just the Pacific, and how small of a speck I would be on that map, all alone and insignificant. I thought about what kind of life my spirit could be having on its own right now under the ocean. Maybe the lover she found wouldn?t keep it a secret, no matter what reasonable argument my spirit made. Maybe my spirit would have started her own family by now. Maybe she would have two or three beautiful spirit children with a loving father, unembarrassed by the age or class of the spirit mom. It made me feel empty in comparison. ?You okay, Spence?? I heard Ben ask, and realized suddenly that I had tears rolling down my cheeks. I snapped back into work mode and wiped my eye with a napkin saying, ?oh, yeah. I?m good. I got something in my eyes though, probably some kind of floating sea air thing.? I tried playing it off with a laugh. Vera chuckled and said, ?actually, I was kinda thinking about hitting the sack.? She tapped my shoulder. ?Roomie?? I nodded. I wanted to sleep. I looked at Ben and for a split second I saw something in his eyes, something intense. I gave him a quizzical expression as Vera dragged me away with a cold and serious look that I wondered if she?d patented. ~ [Somebody That I Used to Know by Bryson Andres (Gotye)] ?Don?t worry, I?m not going to bite,? Vera said as I came out of the bathroom after showering, lotioning, and grooming. Vera had on almost the same thing she?d had on when I came to her house for the first time. ?So those are your workout and sleep clothes?? I asked. ?Yeah, just lazy clothes. You though,? she looked at me and shook her head, ?cute matching lacy boy shorts and an even lacier spaghetti strap pajama top. Utterly beyond redemption, how feminine you are.? I sat down on the bed and started brushing my hair, still lost in thought over all the questions I?d been having about my age and relationship with Ben. ?You know, I have a secret,? Vera said, sitting cross-legged on the bed. ?I do sometimes wish I?d been brought up a girl, that I?d like all the girly stuff, all that.? I looked at her and smiled and said, ?really? You don?t seem like the type to second guess yourself.? ?I don?t, not really. I mean, I?m not a total dyke. I shave my legs and pits, even when I?m not filming.? She raised her arms for me to see, even though she was currently filming something. ?I?ve fucked dudes, always on top. I won?t turn down the occasional dick, but I?m mostly a ?no thanks? on kissing guys. I prefer kissing soft girls.? ?I don?t even have to imagine.? ?I have sucked some dick though, have you?? I nodded. ?It?s useful when I?m trying to get into the mind of a typical heterosexual woman, for a role you know. I think ?mmm, sucking dick.? I know that all women don?t like it, but it helps.? ?I?ve only seen your earth mother movies and the incest one. I?m a shitty friend.? She laughed a little and said, ?You know, I have been in 21 movies?? ?Wow, that?s a lot. I had no idea.? This was true. I suddenly wondered why I?d never even looked at Vera?s Wikipedia page. ?I can check this on your wikipedia page,? I said grabbing my phone. ?Put that down,? she said. ?Something like 21 at least.? ?What?s your favorite character?? ?I really do not have a favorite. I love being lots of different women. I get to be all kinds of different women in my job. It?s why I love acting. Putting on a costume and seeing the world through someone else?s eyes. I?ve been in some period dramas. I can easily get into the role of the submissive housewife or demure girlfriend.? She sidled up next to me and said with a whimpering breathy voice, ?Aw, baby, you didn?t mean to hurt me. You just lost your temper is all, with your big strong arms...? Her entire body seemed to shrink in front of me, her eyes seemed bigger, lips fuller. She looked like a young girl in love and tugged at my pajama top. ?If daddy knew the real you, he?d let our baby inherit the family fortune. I?m just sure of it, Spencer.? The plaintive expression and pouty lips reminded me of her sex scene in Hidden Rooms. I thought about how close she and Ben had been all day on the set. I was glad to realize that I didn?t resent her, just him. ?What kind of advice does Ben give you on the set?? ?Good stuff,? she said still in the demure character. ?He?s a big strong man who knows how to tell a lil? girl like me how to do her acting all better and look right for the camera.? She straightened up and once again became cold and analytical, ?all of that stuff is so easy to touch, acting-wise. So easy to become.? ?Heh, I can?t act at all.? ?You?re lying,? she said. ?All women can act. I feel like if you?re even a little bit heterosexual in this world, you can feel it, that tug to put on an act. It?s easy to fall into sometimes.? ?You might be right. I can definitely play dumb, at least.? ?Mhm. Oh I know. I know you?ve been holding out on me with some secrets,? she smirked. I didn?t respond. ?Hey, do you want to play a board game? I have this one I love, Carcassonne. I find it relaxing, sort of a zen thing.? I agreed to play and she explained the rules to me then set it up. It was pretty easy to learn. ?What do real girls do during sleepovers,.? Vera asked. ?We are real girls,? I responded. ?You know what I mean,? she said, taking her turn in the game. ?Probably sit around in their pajamas playing games,? I took my turn. ?And drinking,? Vera said, sipping some whiskey. ?Eat eachother out.? ?Braiding each other?s hair, doing makeup, playing dress-up,? I said. ?Gossiping, talking about boys they like.? ?Or girls.? ?Right, or girls.? She took her turn and seemed very pleased with herself. ?Ooh, nice. Big city.? Then I took my turn and she said, ?So how long have you been fucking Ben?? ?I uh,? I looked at her and shook my head, ?no, we?re not-? ?Mhm. Nah, I?ve noticed. I know Ben. He?s got that touching thing. He tries not to, but still ends up touching you, I noticed.? I?d noticed a few times but thought that all the touching seemed friendly, not sexual. But there must have been something in the way he did that gave it away. ?I um,? was all I could say. ?I get it, you don?t want to confirm or deny. That?s cool. Look, we?re having a girl?s sleepover. I don?t know how to braid hair, so this is all I?ve got. This and the game. I?m just gad you?re not fucking Levi.? ?That guy sucks,? I said matter-of-factly. ?Bigtime. I?ve heard stories. He?s a piece of shit. I don?t understand why Ben?s friends with him.? ?Yeah, me neither.? We played together a little while longer making fun of Levi and then Vera said, ?So, are you and Ben sexually compatible?? I looked at her realizing that I hadn?t actually verified her suspicions yet, then thought, ?fuck it, I have literally nobody else to talk to about Ben,? and said, ?extremely.? She smiled and nodded, then said, ?good. I could never figure out what makes him tick. Also, I prefer dudes who aren?t bigger than me when I want one.? I shook my head incredulously and said, ?I?m the opposite.? ?Hm. Are you two serious?? ?Kind of. We clearly care a lot about one another.? She nodded. ?Do you love him?? I hesitated and then said, ?yeah, I love him.? She smiled and raised her eyebrows, then took her turn, beating me. ?Do you like this game?? ?I actually love this game, thank you.? We then talked a little bit about playing it again, and she told me about some of the alternate rules. There was another pause and then Vera said, ?I sometimes got a flicker vibe off of Ben, what do you think?? I looked at her and said, ?I overheard someone else using that term the other day. What is it?? ?Ohh, yeah. I forgot you?re new to the Switch. Yeah, ?flicker? like, someone who likes flicking switches.? She made a hand motion like she was flipping a switch up and down. ?Switch chaser. Gets off on fucking Switchgirls.? ?Oh, I don?t know. He?s never said anything.? ?Ehh, I hope not. That shit is gross. Like, you?re not even a person, you?re like, a thing. He?s dated at least a couple other switchgirls. It was starting to look like a pattern to me. It?s not like there are a billion of us. We?re not even a tenth of one percent, I think.? ?Oh,? I said and tried to process the thought. Even if he was, I don?t think I?d care. ?It really doesn?t matter to me,? I said. ?You are kind of a kinky girly-girl, Spencer.? She shook her head, amused. I shrugged. I wanted to turn Ben on, so what if it was partly that ?flicker? thing. But then I guess it wasn?t something I was doing to turn him on so much as just existing. ?I?m going to have to think about this,? I thought. What would the old me, Bearded Hubby, say in a Pornmind video about this? Thoughts of witty dialogue about consent, objectification, fetish, and kink rolled through my mind. Later when we were in bed, before I fell asleep Vera said, ?Spencer, why were you crying earlier? For real?? I turned around and noted that her expression didn?t seem cynical or cold, but touching and vulnerable. I thought for a second and said, ?I don?t know. I was thinking about starting a family,? I felt my eyes watering up. ?I?m PMSing. It makes me feel weirdly lonely and baby crazy sometimes.? She seemed both confused and concerned, then stated flatly, ?You?d make a great mom. Actually, I kinda wish you were my mom.? Then we both laughed. I woke up a few hours later with the Earth Mother snoring, drooling, and using my chest as a pillow. ~ [Don?t Stop Believin? by Dallas String Quartet (Journey)] My heart swelled as two green turtles swam around me while snorkeling in the Molokini Crater. Ben was nearby and gave me a smile and thumbs up. The water was so incredibly clear and beautiful. Seeing the world beneath was amazing, though it had taken me longer than I expected to figure out how to snorkel properly. He pointed his underwater camera at me again and took some pictures. I slowly unzipped my black one-piece in the front down to my navel, and then let my tits wriggle free of it, knowing that the yacht crew couldn?t see me. Then squeezed them a little bit while swimming around, bumping into a turtle like a dumbass only once. The picture would be a nice souvenir of our day off together. Back at the yacht, I spent the rest of the day wearing only a breezy floral-print sarong dress and a thong bikini bottom while Ben and I stayed close, not worrying about the ship?s crew finding out we were lovers. We ate oysters, argued about our favorite TV shows, looked at snorkeling pictures, and sat in the shade reading books. I was reading one about filmmaking he?d recommended. One thing we did not do was work. When the sun went down we had a candlelit dinner on a linen-covered table overlooking the ocean. I wore a cardigan over my dress because of the cool air blowing in from the sea. While nibbling at my shrimp scampi, Ben asked, ?so you and Vera are getting pretty close, huh?? He seemed disinterested but I knew him well enough by now that he was hiding that it had been on his mind. ?Yeah. We?re very different but I think we have a good time together.? At about 2/3rds of a bottle of wine in, I was too buzzed to think too hard about all the anxieties I?d been having recently about their relationship or celebrities or anything. I just smiled at him. ?You know, I just thought about it and I can?t say that I?ve ever seen Vera with a single female friend. She usually only hangs out with guys. Or women that aren?t her friend.? I nodded and said, ?that sounds like her.? He visibly relaxed and said, ?I?m glad, really. I wouldn?t have thought you?d make good friends, but I can see it now. It?s good, I?m glad.? ?I?ll admit, I?m a little weirded out sometimes by how close you guys are, you know, on the set.? ?Yeah, we work well together, but... you really don?t have anything to worry about. Emotionally and physically, we are just miles and miles apart.? ?Yeah, I?m getting that idea. Besides, I?ve kissed her more recently anyway.? ?You said she kissed you! That doesn?t count!? ?Let?s say it counts for bragging rights,? I said drinking another glass of wine, pleased with my trolling. Ben chuckled for awhile and then nodded, ?you got me.? Then he made a curious expression and said, ?So... what do you guys talk about?? ?Don?t worry, we only say nice things about you, Ben.? I drank some more wine as he gave me a full body eye roll. ?No, seriously,? he said with a smile. ?I?m curious.? ?Well, we talk about... Femininity. Board games. Celebrity culture. Alcohol. Family stuff. Personality stuff. Lots of Switch stuff.? I was trying to think of more things when Ben said, ?what kind of Switch stuff?? ?Like how people think about the Switch in general. Or what the two of us went through when we had it or after we had it,? I deliberately left out that we?d talked about ?flickers.? It would take more than wine to get that out of me. ?Like, the transition period?? ?Yeah. I?m still trying to figure out how ?The Bearded Hubby? turned into a girly girl who takes three hours to groom herself in the morning.? ?Or how ?The Bearded Hubby? became such a...? he made a playful expression. ?A what, you bastard!? I laughed. ?Were you going to say a ?slut?? Is this because I flashed those turtles? They were probably very confused.? Ben laughed, ?I was going to say ?very sensual woman? but okay, Spencer. You know, I really love your dry sense of humor sometimes.? ?Thank you,? I said. ?I can be funny when I want to be.? ?Yeah, you can. You are a woman of many talents.? ?Gifted,? I said, deliberately dropping my napkin on the ground beside the table, and getting out of my seat to pick it up. Then, on my hands and knees, I crawled under the table towards him. I poked my head up out of the table linen with my face up against his crotch and said, ?but there are some things I need more practice at.? He smiled and looked down at me. I felt him through his boardshorts and he was already hard. I put my hand up the leg of his shorts and shifted his cock out of his briefs, then tugged the shorts up enough so that a few inches were exposed out of the leg. I squeezed the shaft through his clothes and started kissing the head. ?This is sexy as fuck, girl,? he said down to me. I wrapped my mouth around his cock and sucked it a few times, then popped it out of my mouth. ?I want to suck your dick more, Ben.? I put it back in my mouth making an ?mmm? sound as it hit the back of my throat, even with only part of it available. ?Anytime you want, babe.? I continued sucking it thinking, ?I?m glad he grooms down there,? and then said, ?how did the ?Bearded Hubby? become such a cocksucker,? then went back to blowing him only for him to cum about five seconds later. I washed it down with my next glass of wine. ?That was the fastest I?ve ever made you orgasm, Ben.? He smiled and shrugged. ?It was sexy as hell.? After dinner, we found a comfortable place to lay together on the top of his yacht. I drunkenly curled up in his arms looking out over the ocean. His biceps felt so massive that I looked up at him and asked, ?Have you been working out your biceps? They feel thicker.? ?Yeah, I have, because you keep saying how much you like them.? ?Oh, do I say that a lot,? I tilted my head back to kiss him. ?I am so drunk.? ?You are an easy drunk.? ?Yeah,? I said. ?Hey Ben, Why are you friends with Levi? You two seem pretty different.? ?We go back a long way. We knew each other before his big break and everything. We just go way back.? ?I see,? I said. Ben made it sound like he only hung out with the guy because of loyalty. ?You are very drunk,? he said, squeezing my butt with the arm I wasn?t currently talking to him about. ?Okay, so I?m a bad kind of drunk who tells the truth because she can?t help herself, so Ben Hale, let me tell you something. Some truth.? ?Tell me the truth, babe.? ?The more time I spend around you, the more I like you.? We kissed and he said, ?Spencer, the more time I spend around you, the more I like you.? I closed my eyes and said, ?mmm? on his chest. ?And you?ve been eating around me more. It makes me worry less. Thank you.? He stroked my hair and I said, ?Mmm, yeah.? I felt like I was about to pass out. ?I?m about to fall asleep on your chest, but when we wake up in the morning, I want you to just, no questions asked, no, um, quarter given, just fuck my brains out.? I don?t know how I got in bed that night naked, but I know that my morning request was granted. ~ [Love Will Tear Us Apart by Cairn String Quartet (Joy Division)] Ben hoisted me up onto the side of the indoor area of his pool then rested his head between my thighs. I still had pool water leaking out of me from him screwing me a few seconds ago. I was initially expecting a quickie, but then he took me slow and deep, his cock ignoring preconceived notions about cold water and length of erections. Maybe he knew I was craving intimacy. I was still physically exhausted from the snorkeling from two days ago. Ben had to do all the work today holding me up to fuck, but I got to study his face and watch his expression while I was in his arms. There had been a growing intensity between us. Deep conversations and intimacy instead of a relationship based on sex and a questionable power dynamic. I felt loved. I stroked some water out of my hair on the edge of the pool and said, ?I?m late.? He angled his head to look up at me around my chest with an ?oh?? expression. ?I?m sure it?s just normal lateness or an IUD thing, but I was hoping I?d have my period by now, at least before LA.? I had to meet with Sam about some things. We?d cut our lease short, but he owed me half for rent and utilities that I?d been paying since he walked out. I had to go by Walker Talent and pick up some things for Ben as well. Luckily, I was flying with Vera on a private jet she chartered. ?What are the chances you can get pregnant with the IUD?? He asked as I continued squeezing my long hair. ?Almost zero,? I said. ?Almost, but not.? He paused and said, ?What would you do if I did get you pregnant?? I looked at his serious expression and felt a couple of hard heartbeats. ?What would I do?? I thought, not wanting to give a joke reply. I couldn?t tell if he was asking if I?d keep it instead of getting an abortion or if he was looking for another kind of reply, so I went with my instincts. ?I would love our baby, Ben,? I wiped away some water that was running down his forehead continuing, ?and raise them to be strong and kind and empathetic.? He smiled and then I smiled back. He dunked his head under the water and then came back up, slicked his hair back and said, ?Let's do it, Spencer.? ?Do what... have a baby?? ?Yeah,? he said putting his chin on my knee. ?I?m serious.? ?I can tell,? I said, thinking. It made me happy that he was asking, but I felt some stuff bubbling up and then burst, ?but I know you think I?m too young for you.? ?What?? ?Yeah, like, I assumed you thought I was too young and this was a fling and that?s why you wanted to keep it secret.? ?No, I... look, you are much younger than me,? he looked deep in thought, then said, ?but you are more mature, thoughtful, and organized than everybody I know.? I nodded, thinking, ?I?ve been working for him a little over two months and I know enough about the people he knows to think that?s the truth.? Out loud I said, ?true, but that?s a low bar.? He laughed and said, ?but you know what I mean. I think of you as an equal, Spencer. Maybe I?m your boss and maybe I have more life experience, but still, you?re an equal.? I believed him, but I closed my eyes and sighed. ?Maybe he was just saying what I wanted to hear,? I thought, ?but that was exactly what I wanted to hear.? ?As for the secret thing, I thought you were more into that than I was, but one sec.? He picked me up so that I was straddling one of his arms, then grabbed his phone from the side of the pool. Then he said, ?kiss me,? as he took some selfies of us. I watched him post the best one on Instagram. ?Wow, that was quick.? I started laughing and said, ?This is going to blow people?s minds.? The gray string bikini left almost nothing to the imagination and the angle made my waist look impossibly thin. I suddenly had a small pang of guilt for yelling at Sam for posting pictures of me on Instagram, but shook it off. I studied his face. He was serious and looked vulnerable. ?I believe you, Ben. I want all of this too. I think you?d make a good father.? He put the phone down, but I stayed on his arm. ?Marriage?? he asked. ?I would like that, but maybe down the road. I?ve got to wait through my nullification time anyway.? I kissed him. ?I think you?re good for me in so many ways.? ?I feel the same. I just look forward to seeing you, think about you all the time, and it just feels like we work so well together.? ?Yeah, but stop thinking and say ?it.?? He kissed me again and, for the first time, said ?I love you.? I replied, ?I love you, too.? I hugged his head, with his face in my bosom. I wanted him inside me again. ?You know, I thought I?d gotten too old to fall in love.? ?I?m very lovable. Also, I hope this means you aren?t firing me.? We kissed and I felt him slide my bikini bottom to the side to have a second round. While he fucked me again I thought about how fast this was moving. But it was all just words and confirmations. We?d been intimiate, loving, and nearly inseparable since the first night we?d had sex. ?This was less of a job and more of a two month honeymoon,? I thought. We finished and got out of the pool and I turned the notifications off on my phone. It was blowing up, without question because of the Instagram photo. I didn?t bother to check. I put on some jean shorts and a scoop neck t-shirt and started getting my stuff ready for the trip. ?Spencer, I have something for you.? ?Oh? A present?? I smiled slyly at him. ?Yeah, come here,? he walked into a hallway and unlocked a door where he stored a lot of crates filled with art. ?You remember this?? He said tapping on one of the crates I?d picked up from Vera?s place. ?Yeah. One of the ones I had to go get.? He nodded and said, ?I was going to wait until your next birthday, but...? his boyish smile was giving away that he was really excited about giving me this. I didn?t care how old it said he was on his driver?s license, he looked my age or younger right now. I approached the crate, noting its size. It was too large for me to lift and rectangular. I unfastened the pins and removed the wooden top, then took out the packing material. Inside was a violin case. ?Oh, Ben,? I said. ?Thank y-HOLY SHIT!? I recognized the name of the German luthier who?d been rumored to have built all of Miss E.?s violins, the Eklipse violinist. This must have cost two or three times as much as my old and very expensive violin. I was shocked. I opened the case and admired the instrument. ?Oh my god, this is amazing,? I said picking it up along with the bow. It was a little out of tune, but I played a few notes. It sounded better than I expected. Ben clapped. ?No requests, please,? I said putting it back in its case. I hugged him and closed my eyes. My birthday wasn?t for another three months. He had long term plans for me even back then. ?I should go,? I finally said, reluctantly releasing him from my hug. Ben said, ?need help loading up?? and without me answering he walked some luggage to the SUV. I paused. I had to ask him something. Something in my brain told me not to ask, that everything felt so good today and not to step on this beautiful moment, but it I think it was because of everything piling up at once that I did it anyway and said, ?Ben, are you a flicker?? His body jerked a little as he put the bags into the SUV and he turned around and said, ?what the fuck? No, I?m not a flicker. Jesus, who?ve you been talking to?? He was pissed. ?I just heard...? ?Oh and you believe everything you hear? Dammit, no. I?m not some kind of Switch pervert. I, you know, just care about the sufferers.? He had a ghostly expression. ?Okay, cool. Got it,? I said trying to calm the situation down. ?I?m sorry I asked, Ben.? ?No, I understand, but,? he slammed the back of the SUV closed so hard it made the vehicle bounce. ?These fucking rumors!? I didn?t even know he could get this mad. ?Ben,? I said putting my hand on his back. He took a deep breath and said, ?I?m sorry, babe. I should have known you?d hear about this shit. You know it?s a lie and I?m not like that, right? I?m not some freak.? ?I know you?re not. You are the best guy,? I hugged him. I didn?t want to leave on a bad note. He put his arms around me, but his whole body was tense. We said our goodbyes and I could tell he put a lot of effort into trying to hide that he was shaken, but he was. Then a minute later I drove off ?Well, he wouldn?t be that mad if it wasn?t true.? I sighed. He was lying to himself and he was also lying to me. ~ [Brick by Vitamin String Quartet (Ben Folds Five)] ?Kids? Fuck.? Vera said, taking her turn in our second game of Carcassonne. We were alone in a cabin in the private jet she?d chartered. Vera was dolled up and looked very feminine with a perfectly fitted designer red dress. It was her public look. ?Yeah,? I was on autopilot with her still thinking about how angry Ben had gotten. ?I was and still am really close to having my uterus taken out, to be honest.? ?Oh wow, no interest in having children one day?? She shrugged and said, ?My motherly instinct is somewhere close to nil.? ?Mine is strong. Like, I start thinking about Ben and I and our little baby, and it makes me happy. Just knowing that they?ll be a person we made together,? I started tearing up a little. ?Oh, fuck, you really love him,? she said swallowing some spittle. ?Ugh, ignore this my eyes are watering because of allergic to your girlyness or something,? she dabbed her eyes with a napkin. I laughed but said, ?admit it, there?s a part of you that wants kids.? She didn?t respond but kind of smirked. ?Let?s just play the game.? I took my turn and she said, ?did you match your outfit to your luggage?? I shook my head, ?Just worked out that way.? ?I want to believe you,? she said. ?Semi-related question: how many different purses do you have?? ?I?m not saying.? She chuckled under her breath looking at me. ?Well, that is going to be one well-fed kid. Alex, my security guy, was talking about how hot you are this morning. He showed me that Instagram pic. You should invite me over for pool parties. We?ll say that?s how you pay me back for this trip.? ?That?s fine,? I said with a grin. The amount of responses to that post had been insane. I stopped reading the comments when I hit the first one that recognized me from Sam?s old account. ?You know, hanging out with celebrities is intimidating.? ?What?!? she looked surprised. ?You? I thought you were nearly unflappable.? ?No, it is. I have no idea about your world.? ?That is bullshit. You seem to have a pretty great bullshit detector. You don?t have a lot of cash, but you?d probably be surprised how many ?celebrities? are running around that actually don?t have any money. It?s all bluster.? I sighed, ?actually I do know a little about that,? I had my eyes opened from all the people trying to get Ben to invest with them on real estate deals and other ventures. Some famous people. ?So you know,? she shrugged. ?Celebrities can afford to be a little eccentric, but otherwise we eat, shit, sleep, and fuck like everybody else. Also, if anybody gives you shit send them my way and I will tear them limb from limb then dropkick their mutilated corpse into the Pacific.? I smiled. ?You?re a good friend, Vera.? ?I am a good friend,? she said. ?I wish you were a little gay and I?d gotten to you before Ben, though. If he fucks up, I?ll be there to pick up the pieces.? She raised an eyebrow. I made a ?tsk,? sound. ?I also like how when we hang out, you never bring up eating. It helps me stay not get fat.? I sighed. I?d been better about eating healthier, since Ben confronted me but still probably didn't have enough calories every day. ?Do you ever worry about eating disorders, that kind of thing.? ?Oh god, fuck no. My life is Hollywood, the movies, bikinis, nude scenes, superhero costumes, award shows. If I eat a buttered roll all of a sudden I can?t fit into things. You know what I?m talking about.? I closed my eyes and nodded. ?It goes to my thighs.? ?I get a flat tire. It?s gross. My waist isn?t thin enough for me to get away with anything like that.? ?We should be more healthy.? ?Eh, I?d rather look hot than be healthy. One brings in a shitload more money than the other, that?s for sure.? ?Ugh, fuck. I hate that I agree with you. And I?m not even a movie star,? I put my head in my hands, lamenting my own toxic vanity. ?I do it for free.? ?Throw a few more bikini pictures on Instagram and we?ll see about that ?free.?? I nodded, agreeing with her. ?I thought about starting an account to track my baby progress and family stuff.? ?Oof. I would actually start giving a shit about social media for that.? I laughed and we played a little longer, talking only of the game. Finally I piped up with, ?I asked him about the flicker thing. It didn?t go well.? ?Oh wow. What did he say?? ?He got pissed, said I was believing rumors. I kinda got the feeling that he was mad because it was true though. Intuited, but it wasn?t said.? She frowned and said, ?so denial. You said you?d be cool with it, right?? ?Yeah, but I?d want to talk to him about it. Can?t do that if he?s lying.? ?I heard that,? she said. ?I talked to my agent and publicist. I?m probably going to come out hard after I sign another contract with the ?Earth Mother? people. Switch, gay, the whole thing. I miiiiiiiight get you involved in that.? ?Eh?? I said. ?We?ll talk about it. My publicist thinks it might be a good idea if I?m not alone talking about the Switch. If I have a friend.? I thought for a second and said, ?let me know what you need. I trust you, okay?? She sighed and said, ?okay. You know it?s nearly impossible for me to have a friend and it not be transactional in some way. Sorry.? ?Oh, I?ll think of a way for you to pay me back. Jet trip doesn?t count.? She smiled and said, ?okay, doll. I?ll think of something I can do to- I mean ?for? you.? ?Oh wow, I see how it is. You?re just keeping me around for your kinky fantasies. Keep them in check, Vera. I?m Ben?s girl.? We played an entire other game of Carcassonne and I came very close to winning. ?So, Spencer... What?s your biggest turn-on?? ?Hmm. I get turned on pretty easily, it?s probably simpler to think of the things Ben does that don?t turn me on.? ?Well, you?re not into girls and Ben is definitely a manly man.? ?Yeah,? I thought about that, Ben?s masculinity. It definitely turned me on when he exhibited masculine traits. I thought about all the things I?d never told Sam, about liking it when he lost control. What would it be like with Ben if he lost control and just came after me? My body shuddered. ?You cold?? Vera asked. ?No, I?m fine.? What had made me shudder wasn?t the cool air. It was thinking about Ben losing control and fucking me with a primal intensity. I wanted it. ~ [Heart-Shaped Box by GnuS Cello (Nirvana)] While I sat in the waiting area of Walker Talent, I got a couple of texts from Ben: ?Hope you had a great flight. Good luck with your Ex.? ?Hope I didn?t freak you out earlier. Sorry I lost my cool. I?m not mad at you, just the situation.? I replied back with: ?I understand. See you in the morning.? What I wanted to say was, ?we?ll talk in the morning,? but that sounded way too ominous. I didn?t want him to dread my flying back. ?Spencer, you can see Mr. Walker now,? Bella the receptionist said. I had a tiny little crush on Bella when I worked here a few months ago, but now when I saw her I was mostly thinking about how her hair looked dry and that I?d gotten my IUD taken out before coming here and I was looking forward to getting pregnant. I chuckled to myself. I walked with confidence towards Kurt Walker?s office thinking about how different things were now. I was wearing a fairly expensive blue and white pin-stripe halter crop top with about six inches of my stomach exposed before hitting a matching A-line skirt that fell slightly above my knee. Matching blue purse, pearl earrings and headband, with white trim cork wedges, nail and toenail polish, some silver rings and bracelets, and a little blue eyeshadow. I was getting looks. ?Good to see you again, Spencer,? Kurt Walker said shaking my hand and closing the door behind me. ?Nice to see you again as well, Kurt? I lied. Ben I could forgive, but anyone else aligned with Levi Gardner I found suspect. ?Have a seat,? he said as I took the same seat I?d used when he put my on my path to being a Personal Assistant just a few months ago. ?Thank you for coming by to pick up some materials I have for Ben,? he said tapping a package. ?My pleasure. I was in town anyway.? ?Mhm. Flying in with Vera Cordero, right?? I looked at him and raised an eyebrow, wondering how he?d heard about that. ?I?ve been keeping up with you, Spencer. I told you I was investing in your future,? he grinned. ?That?s is true, and I really appreciate all you?ve done for me. You changed my life.? This was all true and as I said it, I started to wonder what the catch might be. ?That I did, that I did. If you?re interested, I think I have a way you can pay me back.? I nodded and said, ?What do you need help with?? ?I want you to tell Ben Hale to not resume production on his Switch documentary,? he said leaning forward. ?I... what? Why?? ?I think it will be bad for his career. He?s a client and friend. Trust me. Tell him to just let it die.? ?Why would it be bad for his career?? He paused and said, ?I?d rather not say. Will you do it?? I thought for a second. Ben was passionate about the documentary but it wasn?t going to further his Hollywood career very much. It made sense that Kurt might see it as a problem. ?I will tell him you suggested it, but it might be overstepping for a personal assis-? ?Spencer, please. I know you?re much more than his ?personal assistant.?? He turned his laptop around to show me the Instagram pic Ben had posted. ?I knew you two would hit it off. Why do you think I got you the job with him? I?m a bit of a matchmaker, it?s a hobby of mine.? I sighed feeling myself turn red in the face. Did Kurt Walker just openly admit that he pimped me out to Ben? I shook my head at him and said, ?My relationship with Ben has nothing to do with your ?matchmaking.?? ?Oh? It doesn?t?? He chuckled. ?Bullshit. I knew the second you got the Switch you?d be a good fit for him. I love the guy, but he never takes my relationship advice. I couldn?t try and outright set you up. Personalities fit, you?re both attractive, and he?s got his Switch thing. I have a sixth sense for getting people together. Maybe you hate that I?m right, but you know I?m not wrong.? ?You know what! How about you go fuck yourself you fucking creepy old fuck!? is what I thought about yelling at him. But I didn?t. His expression was of genuine concern. I looked down at the ground. It felt like there was some truth to what he said. I didn?t respond out loud but I was trying to think about how I felt about this. Was it really so bad that we?d been set up? I crossed my arms and looked at the pictures on the wall for a few seconds. I saw one with Kurt and Ben, along with a bunch of Kurt?s kids. It made my heart swell. ?I love him,? is all I could say. ?Good. Then tell him not to do this documentary. Tell him to give the footage to someone else, someone who caught the Switch, let them finish it, whatever. Just keep his name off of it. Trust me, Spencer. He?s been working on this thing for ten years and it?s caused far more problems than it?s worth.? I suddenly got the feeling that he wasn?t telling me why to protect me, not Ben. ?Kurt, tell me the details.? He squinted at me and said, ?You don?t want to hear this.? I nodded and said, ?Yeah,? thinking about how angry Ben had gotten earlier. ?How about you tell me everything and I?ll guarantee to do my best to get him not to make the documentary.? My heart sank as I realized I was about to make the first responsible, mature, and extremely difficult decision of our relationship. He studied my me for a few seconds, then said, ?Okay. I have non-disclosure agreements from two of the switchgirls Ben interviewed for the documentary saying that he crossed the line and came onto them separately while shooting. The NDAs have a clause in it requiring the documentary not be released. I have another statement from one of his exes that she felt ?used? in their relationship, and that he had a Switch fetish. She said she?d go to the tabloids with it if he made the doc. She said she thought that making it would make him a hypocrite or something.? He paused and nodded. ?Anyway, any of these on their own would be bad, two or more of them would be career murder. Hopefully Ben will see this on his own when he gets this package, but he?s so fucking stubborn sometimes.? ?Okay,? I said following the breakdown. This was bad, Kurt was right. ?So these women are willing to keep quiet at no charge?? He nodded. ?Okay, good to know. Anyone else?? ?Not that I know of... other than you.? ?Me?? ?You had the Switch and you?re together. This comes out along with that fact, and...? ?Mhm. Only looks bad if they talk, though.? He looked at me and seemed to be sizing me up. ?I thought you?d get all...? ?Emotional? Plenty of time for that later. Also, Kurt, sexist assumptions about women make you seem small minded and weak.? He clenched his jaw and then nodded. ?It?s a bad habit. You?re right.? We both inhaled slowly and looked at each other, then Kurt said, ?You know, I might have underestimated you. You might be wasted as a PA.? I shrugged. ?It?s not just the money, is it? You do care for Ben, don?t you?? ?I do.? I stood up and extended my hand, not confirming or denying the ?money? comment. I would be lying if I said I didn?t care about Ben?s wealth, but it wasn?t a deciding factor for me. I didn?t feel like breaking down the nuance for Kurt Walker. Kurt stood up, shook my hand and handed me the package saying, ?before I saw that picture I was going to try and talk you into working for Levi Gardner instead of Ben. He was going to offer double your salary.? I held the package tight and said, ?As long as Levi Gardner leaves his slime trail on this earth, no one will ever care about him half as much as I care about Ben Hale.? Kurt Walker replied with just one word, ?Damn,? and a chuckle. ~ [Otherside by Feuerbach Quartet (Red Hot Chili Peppers)] I read through the package materials sitting outside a Starbucks in Highland Park. The stuff inside sounded tame on the page, but with the right journalist providing context or an emotional video interview, it could be devastating. The funny thing to me was that it all sounded very ?Ben,? and if I were in these women?s shoes, I would have been completely into him for asking some of these so-called ?perverted? questions. I thought reading it would make me cry. Instead, I just scoffed and sharply inhaled. ?We have a lot to talk about, Ben,? I said out loud to myself. Apparently one of the interview questions that the woman had been offended by was when he asked if she ?ever still wore men?s underwear.? I knew it wasn?t funny but I couldn?t help laughing in the car. It did give me some ideas though, since a part of me wanted to bring out Ben?s weird lusty side with me. I looked at my phone and noticed that I was close to the time when I was supposed to meet Sam. I bought a ticket for a movie showing a local Vera Cordero retrospective. It was Ben?s first film, ?Detention,? which I?d never seen before. The reviews made it sound very ?problematic,? which made me even more curious. He directed it when he was only 31. I checked my makeup and walked into the Starbucks, immediately spotting Sam and his co-worker Mike, who had his arms crossed and was wearing sunglasses. Sam was clean shaven with no sign of a beard. Mike was just as hot as I remembered and had a sexy layer of black stubble. I wondered why he was here. I waved at him and then got some green tea, then sat down at their table with a ?Hi, Sam. Mike.? ?Hey Spence,? Sam said casually. Mike just nodded. ?How was your flight?? Sam continued. They both had on the tightly fitted teal short-sleeve hemp polo shirts that they worked in at the wellness center gym. ?It wasn?t bad, actually, thanks for asking,? I replied, not mentioning that it was with a celebrity and on a jet. ?Are you living around here?? ?Yeah, Mike and I have a place down the street.? ?Oh, cool. So, have you moved everything out of our apartment? I haven?t been by.? ?Yeah. I have a couple of boxes with your old clothes and books and things in the car.? ?Thank you for boxing it up,? I said sipping my tea. ?Mike did, actually.? ?Thank you, Mike.? ?Don?t mention it,? he said coldly. I was getting a much more hateful vibe from Mike compared to Sam. ?What the fuck problem does Mike have with me?? I thought. We completed all the paperwork and it felt a little awkward, but not aggressively so. Other than clearing up the remaining apartment details, there wasn?t any small talk. Sam seemed to be in a pretty good mood compared to the last time we talked. There weren?t any passive aggressive comments, at least. Mike left to use the bathroom and Sam said, ?Let?s go put those boxes in your car.? As we left, Sam said, ?You look great, by the way.? ?Thanks,? I said. ?Shaving works for you.? ?Oh, yeah! Thanks. It was Mike?s suggestion,? he said as we opened the trunk to the car we used to share. ?Oh,? I said, thinking that he?d just spoken about him in a way men don?t usually speak of their roommates. ?So you two, are...? ?Yeah. It was kind of unexpected,? I picked up a small box of what felt like clothes, and Sma had a larger one with some books and things. ?I always told you not to worry about Mike when I was a girl. Turns out he?s kind of the jealous type.? ?Oh, that explains why he hates me.? ?Haha, yeah. I made the mistake of telling him I was still a little bit into girls. Anyway, we?ll see how this works out. I guess I?m like 80/20. Mostly gay. Honestly, maybe TMI, but I?m more into guys now than when I was a girl.? He laughed nervously and I joined in. I smiled and said, ?Hey, I?m sorry I was such a bitch to you. I really suck.? ?No, look, I... I think I was in denial about some things and was resenting you for it.? ?I was also in denial and resenting you.? ?And god, I hate myself so much for that Instagram stuff. I am so, so, so sorry, Spencer.? ?No, I... it?s okay, Sam. I forgive you.? ?Thank you.? ?How are you? I saw that Ben Hale post.? I opened the trunk of my rental SUV and said, ?Oh yeah, I feel like everybody has seen that.? ?Not quite everybody, but yeah. You two are maybe the hottest looking couple on earth.? I chuckled and said, ?Thanks, it feels pretty serious.? ?Yeah I, heh, wish I could say the same about Mike.? He laughed. ?Spencer, can I hug you?? I nodded and came in for a hug. I was taller than him in my wedges. As we hugged, Sam said, ?I'm really sorry about the hateful crap I said to you on the phone.? I patted him on the back and said, ?It's okay,? thinking it felt like a lifetime ago. ?I was so right about you being happier as a girl.? I grinned and said, ?Yeah.? He released me and said, ?When you?re in LA, let me know. I want to hear about your crazy celebrity life.? I looked at Mike coming out and noticed his annoyed frustration. ?I think I?d like that, Sam. Bye. Bye, Mike!? I waved, getting in my car, ignoring Mike?s grimace. Out of my rearview mirror I saw Sam playfully elbowing Mike like he used to do to me before the Switch. I caught sight of a bra sticking out of the top of the box. It looked like the one I?d been wearing through the switch transition puberty that I grew out of despite it being rather large. I thought about my outfit and how I?ve come a long way from ?bras that don?t fit.? ~ [Black Hole Sun by Break of Reality (Soulgarden)] Only about thirty people were in the theater when the lights went off and ?Detention? started. From what little I?d read about the film, the director and star had gained a little bit of attention from a few film festivals here and there, but otherwise the film wasn?t a huge success. It wasn?t even streaming on any of the bigger streaming services right now. There were no credits before the opening scene, which was just a tracking shot of Abbie, Vera?s character, walking through the school, noticing various cliques and couples. She looked years younger than her actual age when it was filmed. The movie let us see that Abbie was interested in a teacher by showing her watch him for a second through a classroom door and then move on. The soundtrack was mostly drums, clapping, and synthesizers, which mixed with the school setting reminded me of ?step teams.? I thought It was a very cool soundtrack. I tried applying the things I?d learned from reading about film to ?Detention.? The first act of the three act structure had to have the decision moment where the plot was set in motion in a way where there was no turning back. The easiest way for script to not have ?dead ends? was to have a strong first act. The way that worked out in this film, which followed the structure so far, was to have Abbie get in trouble for bullying a young male student, and have her parents talk the assistant principal into letting her have an extended period of detention instead of being suspended. The parents said they couldn?t afford to have her watched, but the character was eighteen and there was a scene showing how the parents just didn?t want her around the house. It reminded me a little of my parents. I had nine other brothers and sisters and I wasn?t even sure if my parents remembered my name half the time. I was directly in the middle. I could have seen them having the same reaction as the ones in the film. The teacher, ?Mr. Felder,? led a pretty miserable life. His wife was leaving him and trying to take half of everything that he had, which was almost nothing. He worked during the day as a teacher, on the weekends painting houses, and bartended at night. It seemed like he had a porn addiction. I worried about the film being a little misogynistic making the wife out to be a villain, but then realized something: everyone other than the main two characters was a villain. Abbie and Mr. Felder, who Abbie came to call by his first name ?Brant,? were the only two people in the world who weren?t antagonists. The entire arch of their characters was just their pseudo-sexual relationship around playing chess together in detention. The first phase was Brant teaching her the game, which she resisted learning. I wondered if that was a ?resisting the call? hero?s journey, but the movie itself didn?t lend it very much importance. The second act seemed to mostly be flirting, playing chess, Brant getting chewed out at his various jobs, and Abbie getting annoyed explaining chess to people. During the second act, Brant and Abbie came to see each other as equals. Abbie found out that ?Mr. Felder? was only nine years older than her, which was the same age difference between her dad and mom, her father being older. Abbie started having fantasies about Brant and stalked him at his Bartending job and Brant started watching porn with women who resembled Abbie. It reminded me a little of Ben?s voyeur kink with his bedroom mirrors and cameras. He was definitely using these characters to work through something, whether he realized it or not. The third act was partly about interference with the little chess and sexual repression world they?d created for themselves from the outside world. First their parents or their finances intervened, then other students, then family, then faculty. The entire movie was about repression with only a little bit of tension relief at the end when Abbie showed up at Brant?s house to play chess after detention rules were changed and she kissed him. After the kiss it faded to black, then had a ?two years later? to show them together in the future, playing chess with matching wedding rings. Describing it like I did doesn?t do it justice. I wept throughout and rooted for the couple. When you break it down into its components, it?s creepy. It?s obviously a ?hey, let?s just have a story about a predatory teacher fucking a student? story, but they dressed it up in all these ways to try and excuse it or make it ?okay.? At its heart, the tension came from a much older man wanting to fuck a much too young student, with all the power politics that comes along with it. But the emotion on display, the yearning, the need... it was powerful. I could see people loving this movie and it helped me understand Ben. The camera lingered on Vera?s and Brant?s interactions in a way that seemed overtly sexual, despite never showing anything more sensual than a kiss. I imagine a young Ben had fallen for her acting, her absolute dedication to a lovelorn teenageer role. Based on my research, the actor who played Brant worked in a vineyard in France now and looked homeless. The way that Abbie and Brant expressed their desires was at times innocent and at others, worldly. One exchange amounted to Brant saying, ?We can?t always love who we want to love,? with Abbie responding, ?we can love whoever we want, but how we love them... that?s the hard part.? It made me think about how our relationship: our age differences; our children; our intimacy; our future together; and how we loved each other. When I was a man in love with Sam, it felt like she completed me and made me whole. My love for Ben as a woman felt different. Instead of making me whole, it felt like my love for him made me better or stronger. ?Our? life together was worth fighting for. ~ [Killing Me Softly with His Song by Vesislava (Roberta Flack)] ?Ben, I?m back,? I said to an empty house. After lugging all of my stuff inside, I checked my text messages and saw our whole conversation about how my flight was delayed. I?d spend an excruciating day working from my phone in the airport waiting to fly over, and still only got into Oahu around eleven o?clock. I was exhausted. Ben had waited to pick me up at the airport for a few hours, but I let him off the hook knowing he had some shooting to do. I put all my things away and changed into some comfortable pajamas. I brought out my new violin and found a good chair to sit in and started practicing. I had a lot of thoughts about the conversation I was going to have with Ben tonight and playing music always helped me think. It took a few minutes of awkward noodling, but then it came back to me. The sound of the instrument was incredible in the large open-floor plan modern home Ben owned here in Black Point. The last thing I?d done before selling my old violin was write a cover of Under Pressure by David Bowie and Queen. I messed up a couple of times, but still remembered it. ?Bravo, Ms. Bowie,? Ben said coming in. I smiled at him, ?I didn?t hear you come in.? He walked over and kissed me, then said, ?I only heard about a minute of it. You?re better than I expected.? He sat down on the couch and looked exhausted. It was after midnight. ?I love playing,? I said, feeling a little distracted. ?How was LA?? Ben asked, not giving any sign that there was a ?talk? coming. I put the violin and bow down gently on the coffee table, and then sat down right beside Ben, saying, ?It was interesting.? ?Interesting how? Did Sam cause you trouble?? I shook my head and kissed him, then said, ?Ben, you really want me to be the mother of our children, right? That wasn?t just a wild moment?? He took a deep breath and said, ?Yes, I absolutely meant that. I love you. I just think it makes sense, so why wait?? ?I love you, too and yeah, I agree. I got my IUD removed while I was in LA, like I said. So,? I paused, ?listen to me talk for a minute or two until you interrupt, okay?? He nodded. ?Okay,? I said, ?Kurt Walker let me know that multiple women, all Switch survivors, have said you crossed the line with them, either sexually or that you behaved unprofessionally towards them.? ?Wha-? his whole body was tense. ?You said I could talk.? He closed his eyes and nodded. ?So these women, I have their statements in a package and I believe them, Ben. Anyone who listens to them will believe them. And their accusations will go away if you don?t make your documentary. They?ve agreed. And Kurt has some ideas about how to proceed without your name being attached.? He pushed himself away from me and stood up, starting to pace, but didn?t interrupt. I continued, ?And listen, Ben, I honestly think that this is a good idea not because of the women, and not because I think the Switch turns you on, I?ll get to that in a minute, but because it?s not your story to tell. Let someone who survived the Switch tell it. As hard as you can try, you won?t really understand the disease.? He leaned against the wall and calmly said, ?I have thought about that.? Then his face turned into a grimace, ?Ugh, fuck. I can?t believe you?re teaming up with Kurt against me.? I looked at him and said, ?Kurt did drag me into this, but don?t blame me for it. This is big.? I pointed at my belly and said, ?the mother of your children, remember. But... if that changes during this conversation, I?ll be so heartbroken, Ben. I?ll want to die. But this is hard so...? He blinked and nodded, then sat back down beside me. ?So don?t make this documentary. It will hurt you, and probably me, and it won?t be worth it because you don?t have the life experience to really tell the world about this. But don?t think for a second that I think you don?t care. I know you well enough to know you do.? ?Mhm, right. But... you think I have some kind of feti-? ?Fetish. Kink. Call it whatever you want. Come sit back down with me, please.? He hesitated but then did, all two-hundred plus pounds of tense and hurt muscles. I snuggled up next to him and said, ?You definitely do. Can you honestly tell me that you don?t?? He stayed silent for a while and I said, ?What if I told you that you thinking that way turned me on.? I ran my nailed across his t-shirt. After he remained silent I said, ?I?m not trying to trick you, Ben. I love you and it turns me on.? In a non-committal way he said, ?How does that turn you on?? I shook my head and said, ?It?s connected to a huge turn-on for me, but that?s not super important right now. And anyway, it?s hard to ever really know where our kinks come from. It?s best to just accept them and deal with them.? I looked up at his face. I could tell he was trying not to be angry and holding himself back. I continued, ?Another reason I want the documentary to be dead is because I want your kink to be just between you and me. Because I am a jealous girl who wants some of your secrets all to myself. And I want to help you be open to it, not to hide from it. Repression is poison, Ben. You know I?m right.? He was still silent, so I said, ?Look, I?m jealous, and vain, and a hypocrite, and can be a self-righteous bitch. I have these problems and more, but I?m trying to work on them to be a better woman for you, for the baby or babies I want to have with you, and for myself. It?s hard, and it will hurt, but... why even do this, why make a life together, if we can?t be honest?? I sat there holding him for maybe ten minutes, feeling his body slowly relax, neither of us saying anything until finally he said ?I?ve never admitted this to anyone or even said it out loud.? I nodded and said, ?mhm.? ?This is so embarrassing. But yeah, I can sit here and think about how you used to be a guy and it turns me on.? He said it haltingly but then immediately burst into full-throated laughter. I started chuckling and said, ?why are you laughing?? He doubled over laughing harder than I?d ever seen him and said, ?I have no idea.? He bellowed loud enough I wondered if the neighbors could hear and said, ?It?s not funny, I just... it?s not so bad, just saying it.? ?No, it?s not. I know you love me for a lot of other reasons, but... there?s also this other thing. A kinky thing.? His whole body relaxed. ?I?ll look at what Kurt has in mind for the doc. Honestly, I feel like all my passion for doing it disappeared with you anyway.? ?Because I made it kind of real, instead of abstract?? ?Something like that, maybe. I?ll have to think about it.? He paused, ?So I don?t gross you out? I feel like you should hate me for this.? ?I think maybe the Bearded Hubby would have. There?s a strong element of objectification in it. But I just more and more think of sex as something where there?s always going to be some objectification, always. I do it, too. Maybe there are people out there who aren?t wired that way, but I just don?t know. It feel exhausting to try and run away from it, so why not accept it, think about it, try to understand it, be careful not to let it get out of hand, that kind of thing. What do you think?? He took a deep breath and said, ?You are so unbelievably open-minded. I forget how young you are sometimes because you are just...? he trailed off. I got up and sat in his lap and we kissed for a while, intensely. I felt his cock straining against the fabric of his pants. ?I haven?t told you about my kink yet. Wait until that happens before you put me on a pedestal,? I said. ?What is it?? I shook my head, ?you?ll find out soon. I want to keep my mystery for a little bit longer.? He chuckled and said, ?okay, Spencer. Fuck. I feel like, I dunno, a weight has been lifted.? ?Yeah?? ?Yeah, like you know how I was recording us on my phone along with the cameras sometimes? Well, sometimes I would bring up your Bearded Hubby clips on the phone and-? I started laughing, ?No fucking way. That is...? ?I know, I know. It?s so bad.? We both continued laughing. ?So I am a freak.? ?A freak I love and want to get freaky with,? I responded. ?You know, that time you asked me about what really turns me on, I lied about anal sex. I felt like I had to say something interesting, I dunno... I really prefer just fucking you in your amazing pussy.? ?Good because I wasn?t a fan. You liked the lingerie though, right?? ?Now that I liked.? ?Good, I like to play dress-up.? He gave me an arched eyebrow. ?If you?re not too tired I could put something on.? ?Please.? ?Okay. It?s really turning me on how open and vulnerable you?re being right now,? I kissed him. ?But you?re going to need to stop that for the next part.? He furrowed his brow and said, ?what?? ?I?m going to get dressed up and I?ll text message you when to come up. I um... want you to be open-minded, okay? And follow my lead. And... don?t hold back. At all. Unless I say, ?uhane,? okay?? ?Okay, you mean don?t hold back... like, use force?? I went quiet for a second, then stood up to go upstairs and said, ?I don?t want to be specific. But I want to get fucked. Hard. Anything goes unless I use the safe word.?? ?Okay.? He picked up his phone and said, ?I?ll be waiting.? ?Ben,? I paused before going upstairs and said, ?I want to make you lose control.? ~ [Sunflower by Vitamin String Quartet (Post Malone)] ?Sit down on your bed and say, ?Come in, Spencer,?? was all I sent in a text message from the bathroom in Ben?s master bedroom. I checked myself out in the mirror while I waited. No makeup, no nail polish, no accessories except for a Dodgers cap that my hair was in a bun under. I had on some boys khaki chinos and a blue button-down short sleeve t-shirt that was doing a really bad job of concealing my tits spilling out of the wildly ill-fitting bra underneath. My boat shoes were far too big, but I felt like that would add to the charm. ?Thanks for the box of clothes, Sam,? I said under my breath. I hiked up the chinos and tightened the belt around the waist, then looked at my ass in the mirror and thought, ?ass still looks good in boy?s clothes.? ?Come in, Spencer,? I heard through the door. I thought about whether I should act like The Bearded Hubby or not, but just couldn?t bring it into existence. It would just have to be a confused Spencer. I thought, ?if Vera fucking Cordero said I can act, then I can act,? and then walked into the bedroom. ?Thank you for allowing me to interview for your personal assistant position, Mr. Hale,? I said, finding my character. Ben was wide-eyed. ?I?ve been training real hard.? Ben stared at my body and I thought he was going to crack up, but instead he crossed his arms and said, ?No problem, come sit down Ms. Moore, or is it Mr. Moore?? ?Ms. Moore is fine,? I said making sure I sat at least two feet away from him on the bed. ?Are you sure there isn?t anywhere else we can meet other than your bedroom? Maybe like an office or something?? ?No, I?m afraid not. I do all my interviews in the bedroom.? I glanced and saw that Ben was pitching a tent in his pants already. I felt like I?d already won, but didn?t want to celebrate early. ?Okay, thank you again. I?ve already been rejected so many times because I caught this stupid disease. Did you notice?? ?Oh uh, no, didn?t notice anything.? ?Oh, well it made these big boobs grow on my chest,? I said arching my back. ?And it made my waist thin,? I lifted my shirt up a little. Then I stood up and bent over in front of him and said, ?and it made my ass and hips huge,? and tugged up my pants so it gave me a wedgie. ?It feels weird not having anything between my legs anymore.? ?Well I?ll be honest: based on everything I?ve seen I think you just might have what it takes to be my Personal Assistant.? I turned around to hide my grin and then snapped back into character saying, ?Mr. Hale, are you sure you want to hire someone so... confused.? I wiggled in front of him and continued, ?Confused about all these new urges?? Ben scratched his chin then said authoritatively, ?Spencer, I don?t mind if you have urges as long as you can keep your mind on the job, but... I?m going to need proof that they?re heterosexual urges. Everyone knows lesbians make the worst Personal Assistants.? I bit down on my tongue trying hard not to smile or laugh. ?Like, what kind of proof?? I said with an innocent expression. ?I think I?m straight, can you take my word for it?? ?Not good enough. See if you can touch a man?s cock and get turned on. Help me pull down my pants.? ?Okay,? I said, fumbling with his belt buckle and then tugging down his pants. He was rock hard under his briefs. ?Now the rest,? he said and I released his cock. He was completely engorged. ?Touch it,? he commanded. ?It?s so much bigger than mine used to be,? I said, reaching down and squeezing it. ?Your penis is so big and warm, Mr. Hale.? And that?s when he tore my shirt off. My chest was exposed, showing my ill- fitting bra that didn?t even cover my areolas and mashed my tits over and under the small cups. ?Stay in character, no matter what,? I thought, as he whipped out my belt and pulled my chinos down, exposing my gray Hanes boyshorts with a white elastic band. His hand slid between my legs and a finger went into my pussy as I stepped out of the pants. ?You?re a little wet, but I need more proof,? he said. ?Get on your knees and put my cock between those tits. Wet it with your mouth first and leave your bra on.? I got between his legs and did as he said, slobbering on his penis some to get it wet. ?Why does this feel so right?? I said with his cock resting on my face. ? I think this disease might have turned me gay? ?Straight, you mean. Put put it between those tits.? I licked his shaft again and then slid his cock between my boobs. I could feel the bra shifting even more out of place, until my tits fell out under it completely. He pulled my bra over my head and tossed it away. I used my hands to squeeze my tits around his cock and said, ?Why does this feel so good? I didn?t know my boobs would be so sensitive, Mr. Hale.? I felt a spurt of cum shoot up onto my lips and nose, then Ben lifted me with amazing speed but little effort on top of him, tearing my boyshorts from yanking them to the side, and shot the rest of his load deep inside me. I didn?t worry, it was just his first orgasm. I knew he was going to stay hard. He started jackhammering into me and I moaned, forgetting my character for a second, then cleared my head. ?I didn?t know someone could get so deep inside me,? I said licking his cum off my lips. ?I can?t get pregnant if you just cum in me once, right Mr. Hale?? He then threw me onto the bed, knocking my cap off and releasing my hair. ?Mr. Hale, you?re so big and strong, while I?m so weak.? On my back I spread my legs in front of him and said, ?I like how I can feel some of your cum leaking into my panties. If I was gay I wouldn?t like that, right?? In a flash he was on me in the bed, pinning my legs back, his cock on my stomach. He tore my boyshorts apart to the band, then held me by the neck saying, ?I?m going to make you a woman, Spencer.? With my underwear mostly out of the way, I felt the cool air between my legs. ?Why am I so wet down there, Mr. Hale?? ?Because your pussy is begging to get fucked,? he said pulling my shoes off, ?even if you don?t understand it.? He slid his cock about halfway in and then pulled my hand down to feel saying, ?see? Your body needed this cock.? I said, ?Oh,? then he flipped me over and I looked in the mirror and saw myself getting prepared for doggystyle fucking, but the look on Ben?s face was intense and focused. There was no stopping him. I shuddered and he continued to adjust my body. I found myself having a hard time keeping up the act. ?Be gentle,? I nervously said in character as he roughly spread my legs and grabbed my butt with a slap. I was practically a water slide, but he penetrated me so quickly and deeply that my whole body jerked and I yelped. ?You are mine, girl. I am going to make you mine,? he said grabbing my upper arms and drilling me with an intensity that I didn?t think was possible. He was angling my body to get as deep as he could. It hurt, but I loved it. Then he pushed me into the bed with my face mashed up against the baseball cap. He covered me with his rock hard body and managed to get even deeper with my body prone. He was fucking he so hard that the mattress was threatening to fall off the bed. ?I?m going to knock you up girl,? he growled. My legs shuddered with an orgasm and I got even wetter. My jaw shook but I stayed in character saying, ?don?t breed me, Mr. Hale. I?m too young.? ?You are just right,? he said, shooting a second wave of cum in me. He stayed hard and kept fucking me. ?This feels so good but I don?t want to get pregnant,? I said between convulsions. ?It?s right before my period, Mr. Hale.? ?I?m going to knock you up and keep you knocked up as long as I want,? he pulled my body close to cum even deeper. ?So much deep inside me,? I said, and we continued wordlessly until he came in me a third time. He still fucked me as long as he could stay hard, then pulled me off my stomach and turned me around so we could kiss. I was dizzy and my body was flush red, but he held me in his arms, close. I could tell he wouldn?t have let me go anywhere even if I?d protested. I was dehydrated, but all I could think about was his body and mine. Finally worn out, he rested his head on the pillow. I ran my fingers through his hair and asked, ?So, did I get the job?? Ben chuckled as I buried my face in his chest. Then a second or two later he contemplatively said, ?That was the best sex I?ve ever had.? ?Yeah,? I said. ?I?ll never forget the way you just fucked me.? ?Oof, I felt like I touched something a little dangerous there,? his body was still in the process of relaxing. ?Spencer, that outfit... I?ve never just ejaculated out of nowhere like that. That was nuts.? ?I?m glad it worked. And oh fuck, Ben. How do you stay hard? You?re even still half-hard...? I looked up at his face and said, ?Embracing your kink, it?s so good, isn?t it?? I found his half-hard cock with my hand then pressed my chest up against his. I gave him a look that said, ?I want you? then draped my leg over him. He looked me in the eyes and said, ?You are mine, Spencer,? then penetrated me again, kissing me and playing with my ass. I was his. And I liked it. ~ Epilogue ~ [In The End - Eklipse (Linkin Park)] ?Doesn?t look like much of anything really,? Vera said looking at my sonogram. ?Well, I?m only a couple months along,? I said, crossing my arms. ?It?s mostly just a big head right now and some dangly parts.? ?Gross,? she said. ?Did you post that online?? ?Yeah, it?s blowing up,? I showed her what the response had been. ?Pretty wild.? Vera Cordero rolled her eyes. She looked was barefoot and casually dressed in jeans and a black t-shirt, a look that said, ?I don?t care if I?m being interviewed by the New Yorker to reveal my sexuality and Switch history or not, this is my house and I don?t give a fuck.? We were at her house in LA, waiting for a journalist named Stephanie Goodwin to finish going over all the topics that were off the table with Vera?s publicist in her living room. I was staring at the wine bottles on a rack in her kitchen, desperate for a drink, but having to forbid myself because of the pregnancy. It had taken me and Ben six months of trying before I finally got knocked up. ?Well, you look happy,? Vera said. I nodded, ?yeah, I?m very happy. Just wish I could drink.? ?One glass wouldn?t hurt, right?? She asked. ?No, dammit.? I rubbed my temples. I was wearing a tight cream-colored bandage dress fitted this morning by my personal tailor, a man just a year or two younger than me whose parents had named Shrek for some reason. He was amazing at his job, if a little eccentric. Most of my accessories were amber or pale blue. ?Ugh. Well, I?m really looking forward to getting this over with.? ?I bet.? She took a deep breath and said, ?you know how you?re always reminding me, nah fuck it ?commanding me? to be more thankful? Well, thanks. Thanks for doing this.? ?I just sit and listen along right?? ?Yeah.? ?And this is just for appearances right? Team Switchgirl? I?m not here because you like having a supportive friend around or anything...? I smirked at her. ?Yeah, nothing like that,? she waved a hand. ?What do I look like, some kind of girl?? We both silently chuckled. ?Vera,? her publicist called out entering the room. She was an older blonde woman named Patricia. She was wearing a pretty conservative white blouse and navy blue pencil skirt. ?Ready?? Vera bounded off her barstool and headed into her living room, a large space without a TV filled with natural light. A younger woman in a chocolate brown pantsuit stood up from the couch and shook Vera?s hand. ?I?m Stephanie Goodwin, pleased to meet you Ms. Cordero.? ?Call me Vera, you?re going to know me pretty well very soon.? ?Thank you, Vera.? She looked at me as I followed my friend into the room and said, ?it?s nice to meet you as well, Ms. Moore.? ?Likewise,? I said, shaking her hand and having a seat. Vera slumped down beside me. ?So, Vera,? Goodwin said sitting down and starting a recorder, ?I think it might be a good idea to start with something simple. How old were you when you caught the Switch and how who gave it to you?? ?Ohh, I thought you said ?simple,? Goodwin? Jesus Christ...? Vera looked at me and cleared her throat, then said, ?buckle the fuck up, Buttercup.? Everyone?s eyes went wide as she told her tale. ~ The End