The Big Change free porn video

Janet L. Stickney [email protected] The Big Change I had been dressing up since I was about seven, always very careful not to get caught, and I had always been successful... until I turned 14. Then he saw me. My best friend in the whole world had simply walked in the house, opened my bedroom door, and saw me standing there, completely decked out, from makeup to dress, pantyhose and low heels. My hair was tied up in a high ponytail, which exposed my clip on earrings. You could say that we were both shocked. I stammered, trying to find a reason, a plausible reason for my being dressed that way, but failed miserably. All I could do was stand there as he looked at me. I just knew that he would never forgive me. "Damn," he said, "you look...good? Is this what you do in your spare time Chris? Dress up like a girl?" "Nah... it's just... I just wanted to see.... how I would look, that's all!" "Maybe, but I don't think so! Those clothes are too small to be your mothers, and you don't have a sister, so... what? You went out and bought them yourself? Just to see how you would look? No way pal! I never said anything before because I wasn't sure before, but I know that you've been doing this a lot; I could almost always tell, because once in a while I could smell the traces of the perfume, and a few times you didn't get all the makeup off! But now that I see you... well, you don't look so bad! Pretty good as a matter of fact!" As he stood there saying all that I was quivering like a bowl of gelatin, unable to put up any kind of defense. He had shattered all of my pat answers in one stroke! "I came over because I thought we might hit ice cream place; Why don't you go like you are? I mean, you look okay, and nobody will know, so why not?" "You can't be serious! Me? Go outside? Like this? No way!" "Listen dummy, you look good enough, so just put on some lipstick and we'll go! I won't let anyone bother you! Besides, you look...good... real good!" "Are you hitting on me!?" "Quit complaining and lets go! We have to be back before your mom gets home, right?" After a pause... "What do I call you?" "Kristen," I said, "sort of a feminine Chris." "Okay...Kristen.... Are you coming or not?" I desperately wanted to change clothes, make the horror of being found out go away, but he just stood there waiting, leaving me to make a huge decision. After more than a few moments of indecision, I grabbed the lipstick, put some on, then took my very first step out of my bedroom dressed as a girl. As we stepped outside into the sunlight I started to shake, and he grabbed my hand! "Calm down!" he said. "You look fine. Lets just walk up, get and ice cream and walk back, okay?" And that's what we did. Even with all the people there, not one of them looked at me strangely, and I was able to relax, but only just a little. We had an ice cream, which, surprisingly, he paid for, then we walked back towards my house. Ralph's reaction to seeing me dressed up like a girl wasn't what I expected, and I wondered why he accepted it so easily. Was it because, like he said, he already knew, or had guessed, or was it because he liked feminine boys? I wanted to ask him, but I was to scared to ask, so I decided to wait and see what happened. If he accepted me simply because he was my friend that was one thing. If he accepted me because he liked feminine boys, that was another thing entirely. "See! I was right! Nobody knew!" As we turned the corner, I saw mom's car in the driveway. "Shit!" "What?" "Mom is home! I can't go in like this!" "Well, my mom is baking today, so we can't go there either!" He looked me over, then said... "It looks like you don't have a choice does it? I guess my only advice is that we go inside together. Maybe we can convince her that this was all a gag?" I was stuck between a rock and a hard place, and his suggestion was the best of my very few choices. As he and I walked in the house, mom looked up and saw me standing there. She smiled, then... "OH! Good! Your home! I need some help with the dinner. Ralph, your mother called, and I told her I would send you home, so you better scoot." He looked over at me, grinned, then shrugged his shoulders, leaving me standing there all alone. "Set the table honey, I'll get the rest." Mom had completely ignored the way I was dressed! Still shaking like a leaf, I did what she told me, and after we sat down.... "I was wondering," mom said softly, "when you would show up like this! I mean, how could I miss those clothes in your closet, and the makeup in the back of your sock drawer?" I said nothing, shocked that she knew! "And why did you tell Ralph before me? Is he... special to you in some way I don't know about?" "No... ma... it's not like that! I was just fooling around, and he sort of caught me." "But you went to... where? The ice cream place? Like that? With Ralph? What else can I think? That this isn't just fooling around!?" "No! It's not like that! He was being nice, that's all! It was... nothing, and I wouldn't... I couldn't do... it's not... I'm not like that!" "Well, in my experience, boys have a nasty habit of being extra nice to girls they like, or are attracted to, and in this case, that seems to be you! And you cannot deny the fact that you are dressed up like a girl, and went with Ralph, right?" "Yeah, but that's all it was! He said that I looked nice, and nobody would know!" "I'm sure that's true, and you are kind of cute!" "Maaaa!" "Don't Ma me young...lady!" She just sat there a moment, then told me to get washed up. I was out of there like a flash, getting out of those clothes and into the shower as quick as I could. When I reappeared, I was myself once again. Not one word was said about that incident... for about two weeks. Ralph and I still hung out together, doing things boys do. There did not seem to be any tension between us, and while I desperately wanted to talk about what had happened, he never brought it up, and I just could not bring myself to ask him. Then he dropped a big one on me. "I was wondering if... ahhh, you might want to get.... to dress up as a... girl again?" "Yeah. Right. As if! And even if I did, why should I?" It was the moment I was waiting for, so I drew in a breath and asked him. "Are you attracted to me, when I'm dressed up I mean? You know that I'm a guy, so why did you ask me to get dressed up again? "I'm not attracted to you! Are you nuts? The only reason I asked is because my mom says that I have to go to the family reunion two weeks from Saturday, but the last time I went there was this girl, a fourth cousin or something that just wouldn't leave me alone! If you went with us..." "NO." "But why not? I know that you like it, and besides, I'll be there; I'll be your.... date?" "No." "Well, your mom, told my mom, what we did, and she already told me that if you want to go, she'll make sure that nobody bothers you!" "Your mom knows... that I dressed up?!" "You know that our moms talk all the time, so just how did you think they wouldn't talk about something like that?!" "Yeah, maybe, but...." "I'll bet that your mother knows all about it, the reunion I mean, so why not ask her? If she says no, okay. But if she says yes, then..." "Why don't you take Gail? She's cute, and she's a girl!" "I asked her, but she just got the mumps and can't go. She can't leave the house for a few more days, at least that's what she told me, so that leaves you." "Why do I have to go as a girl? Why can't I go as me? We can hang together, and those girls will leave us alone." "With you there, all they'll do is go after both of us! I think they're nuts, but that's the way it is!" "You're serious about this! You really do want me to get dressed up and go with you?" "Yeah, but maybe your mom could come too... that way nobody will bother you." "I'll think about it, and that's all! No promises!" "Cool! See ya later." I went home, and just as I walked in, I saw mom talking to Ralph's mom, and I just knew they were talking about me! His mom left rather quickly, but took a quick peek at me before she left. Then I was sure they were talking about me. "Honey, Janet was just telling me about this reunion thing they're having, and that Ralph wants you to go." "Yeah, he told me, but he wants me to go as a girl!" "Yes, that's what she told me too. Are you considering it?" "Maybe, probably not; I'm not sure that the reason Ralph gave me is the real one mom, he said he wasn't attracted to me, but I'm still not sure about that, so I only told him I would think about it, why?" "I was thinking, no, make that wondering, if maybe you should do it, even if this one time. Regardless of Ralph's motives, I think you'll have a better idea of what it's like to be a girl, in a very public way, and since you obviously like to play dress up, this would be a good opportunity for you to see how you fit in, as a girl of course." "So... you're saying that you want me to do it?" "No dear. I'm saying that this is a chance for you to get all dolled up, go to a party, and have a good time, and maybe, who knows? Maybe you'll like it." You can go, and be safe I might add, because if you do go, as a girl of course, I'll go with you." "It sounds like you want me to do it mom!" "Well, in a way, I guess I do. I think that maybe you need to do this. I did a lot of research on the Internet after I saw you come home with Ralph, and I'm pretty sure, based on what I read, that no matter what, you'll always want to play dress up, even when you're older. Do I want you to dress up like a girl and go out of the house? No; I'm not thrilled that one, you want to do something like this, and two, that you look the way you do when you're all dressed up, but I cannot deny what I've seen with my own two eyes honey! Janet doesn't understand why Ralph seems to be attracted to you, even if he does deny it, or why you're doing this, and that's why Janet and I have decided that this is a way for us to see both of you... together. But what I also think is that if you're going to go out anyway, and you've already done that haven't you? Then this might be the perfect solution!" When I said nothing... "I'm not telling you that you have to do anything Chris; but I think you need to do this... for yourself. Not me, not Janet, and surely not Ralph. I don't understand why you want to dress up as a girl, but since it's as plain as day that you like it, I would much rather help you than not. I just cannot have you just running around like that without at least some supervision! I'm your mother, and I know a lot about being a girl! Maybe I can help you, and maybe that will help me understand what's going on, and why you're doing this!" Like my mother, I had no idea what was driving me to dress as a girl, I only knew that I didn't seem to have a choice. I had ventured out of my room and into the house, and even the backyard once, but my trip to the ice cream place was my very first foray outside of that, and to be truthful, after seeing that nobody guessed, or figured it out, I knew I just had to do it again. Having my mother offer to help me felt like a bolt of lightening hitting me. I expected to be grounded for life, not helped! "I saw the sweetest summer dress yesterday, and I just know that you would look good in it, so why don't I buy it, then I'll help you get ready? I promise that I'll make you look deliciously cute, or you don't have to go, okay?" I did not say a word, afraid that I might grin or something else equally dumb, but mom took my silence as an okay, and left the house. She was gone about two hours, returning with several bags of stuff. She didn't say anything to me, but went in my room and put them on the bed. When she saw me.... "I picked up the dress as well as a package of panties and a good bra plus some inserts. You might as well look the best you can, and these will help. Would you like to try them on? Just to see how they fit?" I tried to say no, I really did, but I guess mom knew better, and I soon found myself getting undressed. "Even though you don't have a lot of body hair, if you used some of my hair remover to remove the bit that you do have, you would look more... natural? And probably feel better about dressing as a girl, and with hairless skin you can get away from wearing those tights all the time! Plus, your skin would be a lot softer. Lets do that. Let me get the lotion." She smeared that goo all over me, and after a short wait that seemed like hours, I jumped in the shower, only to see a small amount of hair collecting around the drain. My hair. I washed up, my skin feeling very smooth to the touch. When I was out of the shower, mom insisted that I let her rub in a skin lotion; it smelled good. Like flowers. She handed me a new pair of panties, and after I turned around and fixed myself, she gave me what she said was a padded pantybrief. I stepped into it and tugged it into place, seeing in the mirror that I had hips like a girl, and a bigger butt! The bra had soft cups, and was just tight enough, and fastened in the front, so that my chest was pulled together, creating smallish mounds, and after tossing my birdseed breast forms in the trash can, mom shoved in some small gel inserts. Instantly, I had what looked, and felt, like real boobs! Then came the slip, followed by the dress. She brushed out my hair while using her blow dryer, then fixed it in a modestly feminine style. Using hairspray, she once again made adjustments to my hair, and I was even more surprised that it looked so good. She watched as I did the makeup, telling me to put the foundation on very lightly, then a dab of blusher, eyeshadow, and eyeliner, before I added the clip on earrings she handed me, plus the small necklace. Then I stepped into some white flats, and she handed me the lipstick. When I looked in the mirror and saw my reflection, I was in heaven! On my best day I had not managed to look that good, ever! On my trip for ice cream, I had passed casual inspection, but I had not managed to make myself look anywhere near as pretty as mom had! The dress was pale blue with white piping, short caps sleeves, and was snug over my boobs and fitted through the waist, flaring out to end about two inches above my knees. "Well, what do you think?" "I'm... I never looked this... I mean... it's ah... okay... I guess." "I'll take it that you like what you see then?" Again, I said nothing, unwilling to take my eyes from the image in the mirror. "Lets take a walk shall we? Lets see what Ralph thinks." "Do I have to? I mean... I look so...." "You look just darling and you know it! You don't have to go, but wouldn't it be better if he...met his ah... date, before the party?" "I'm not his date! I'm just his friend!" "Shall we go then?" Mom had ignored my denial completely, and after a bit of urging, she and I left the house, for the walk around the block to Ralph's house. On the way, mom showed me how to take smaller steps, swing my hips and walk with my arms loose. I began to realize how lucky I had been not getting caught on the ice cream trip. After what mom showed me, I knew that I must have been walking like a truck driver! I thought I almost had it by the time we were on his front porch. .Mom rang the bell, and Janet, Ralph's mom let us in. "Well! Look at you! Your gorgeous! RALPH," she yelled, "Kristen is here!" Just then Ralph showed up. He took one look and broke out into a grin. "Hi," he said. "Hi Ralph." "Damn!" he said before thinking. "You look... great!" "Don't use that language Ralph, especially around Kristen." "Want a soda?" He asked me with a grin. "Sure, why not." He and I went out to the back yard and sat down do drink our sodas. Ralph was not himself, that's for sure! He kept staring at me with that stupid grin of his on his face! He was also very attentive, something he never did before, and I thought I knew why. Just like mom said he would, he was looking at me... like I was a girl! I really didn't think he liked feminine boys, maybe, but I didn't think so. I was pretty sure I knew him better than that, and that meant that I was just another girl, something to conquer! I was just sitting there when a revelation hit me. Mom had told me that girls can get guys to do anything, as long as they act like girls! Since I had finished my drink.... "Ralph? Could I have another, please?" "I'll get it," he said as he popped out of his chair. I smiled to myself when he did that. Mom was right! Mom and I stayed there for about an hour, then we went home. By then I was getting almost comfortable around Ralph, and no longer worried about him being Gay, if he was. As we left their house, I stayed in step with mom without a reminder, and by the time we got home I felt very comfortable in that dress. The fact that I looked better than I ever had before helped too, but once we were home, mom told me to change, and unzipped the dress. In the top drawer of the dresser, where I kept my shorts, I found a pair of pink cargo shorts, and a white top! I quickly put them on and joined mom to make dinner. With two whole weeks to go before that reunion, I desperately wanted to keep dressing up but didn't want to ask; that left me frustrated and unhappy all evening, until mom asked me a question. "Did you figure it out yet?" "What?" "I think that you like being Kristen more than you want to admit." It took me a moment to answer, because I would be admitting a deep secret, but under her steady gaze, I finally said .... "Yeah. I guess. It feels... okay, and I don't look as dumb as before." "And," mom said, "I'm just guessing mind you, that you wouldn't mind spending the next few days as Kristen, would you?" "I guess not, I suppose, why?" "I have accumulated almost two months of vacation days, so why don't I take a few of them, and we can spend them together, some mother and daughter time? We can get you a skirt, and maybe another top. You'll need more than that dress and those shorts, so... are you in?" "Okay, but only as long as nobody bothers me." "You'll be fine. I won't let anyone bother you, I would never do that!" "Why," I asked her very seriously, "are you doing this? What I mean is, do you want me to be a girl?" "No dear, I do not want you to be a girl. I like having a son! But it's obvious to me that you have some need to get dressed up, and to be truthful, even though I know about this kind of thing, and I'm totally baffled why any boy would want to do this, I'd rather let you do it, and help you, rather than have you fumbling around trying to learn all the things you need to know, how to even act like a girl, and I really don't want you to be afraid all the time! This way I'll have at least some say, and maybe you'll find a way to cope with this! I've known about boys that want to be girls, or, at least dress up like one for a long time, They've been in the movies and on television once in a while, and of course there are the drag queens and female impersonators. It wasn't all that rare when I was in college, so I'm not na?ve, and after the Internet search I did, I learned a lot more! It's only new to me because it's you, my own son that wants to do it! But, if you want to quit, then just say so. If you don't want to go, because of your concerns about Ralph then don't! But, if you are going to do this, then I'm going to have to insist that you do everything in your power to do it right, and look the best that you can, and who better to help you than me?" That answered my questions, and I slowly nodded my head yes, and committed myself to a course that had no end in sight. The next morning, mom came into my room and rousted me out of bed, telling me to shower and wash my hair; she said she would set out something for me to wear. As I scrubbed down, I wondered if I could actually pull it off, especially around other girls. I knew that mom could make me look okay, it was that other stuff. The way girls walked, the way they used their arms and hands, sat, talked, and generally, moved. Girls were less rigid, more agile and fluid in their movements than guys, but I knew that I had to try. This might be my only chance to learn how to do it. Mom might not ever do this for me again. After I rubbed in the skin lotion, I went back into my room, only a towel protecting me. On the bed were the clothes. I quickly put on the panties, fixed my parts, and stepped into the padded pantybrief, and once again marveled at the way the front hook bra pulled my chest together. After I added those gel inserts, I slipped the blouse on, then the skirt. I had not seen it before. It was tan and white checked with wide pleats, and very short, the shortest I had ever worn! I stepped into the flats and was just about to try my hand at do my makeup when mom came in. "Oh! Good. You're dressed! That's one of my old skirts from when I was in college! It looks good on you! Lets go in my room and I'll show you how to do your makeup a bit better. I'll show you some tricks so it looks a bit more natural, then I'll help you with your hair." It was the other way around. Hair first, then makeup tips. Mom wrapped my damp hair in rollers, pinning them in place with what looked like toothpicks, then sprayed on some kind of lotion. She said it would help hold the curls. Again under her supervision, I added the foundation, powder, eyeliner, eyeshadow, and blush. Then she took out the rollers and brushed out my hair. She let me do some of it, like brush out the bangs, and when we were done. I had gentle waves and a few curls that made me look even better than before! I added lipstick, then mom gave me a small bottle of perfume to use! "Just dab it on your wrists, behind your ears, and neck honey. Don't use to much." When I was ready, she gave me a small purse that had a narrow strap, told me what to put in it, and when I was ready, she and I left for the mall. As we walked in, the very first thing we came to was one of those kiosks that sell earrings, do piercing and so on. I already had one ear pierced, so I slowed, and finally, sat in the chair. Mom did not say a word as I had the other ear pierced, and bought a pair of gold hoops to fill the holes. It cost me ten bucks, but it was worth it, and I felt like I had earned it. As we walked around I felt like a kid in a candy store. I saw so many things that I wanted to get, fancy dresses, nice shoes, pretty skirts, and daring tees, but as we passed each store, I realized that to have those things, I would have to be a girl all the time, and that wasn't going to happen. As we went into the biggest department store in the mall, mom casually asked someone about swimwear, and as we made our way there.... "I was wondering, since the reunion is going to be at the park, by the lake, maybe you would like to get a swimsuit? Just in case?" I had not even considered a swimsuit, but if we found one that fit, and hid my deficiencies, I wasn't against it, so that's where we went. Most of them were two piece, and I wasn't sure that I could wear one, so I tended to look at the one piece suits, but mom found one that she liked, and called me over. Holding it up, I saw that it was in two pieces, and started to say no, but she insisted, and I soon found myself in a changing room. The bottoms were okay, as long as I wore the padded pantybrief, but the suit didn't cover all of the pantybrief, and the top wasn't up to hiding my inserts, and without the constriction of the bra, I had zero for boobs, and it showed. "I'll bet we can fix that honey, but I think we'll have to go to a different kind of store. Why don't we see if we can find a store that can help you before we buy anything else?" So, we left the mall after mom consulted a phonebook and made a few phone calls, taking me across town to a small shop. The sign on the front said "Vera's Shapers". After we were inside and mom explained our... well, my, dilemma to the lady, she smiled and said.... "Wait here a minute! I have just the thing!" She left me standing there, returning in just a few minutes. "These are not the best we have, but they are certainly usable, and with a bit of care, they will do nicely for a young lady like you! They attach with a special adhesive, but they come off easily with the solvent. If you would like me to do that for you?" "I think that might be best," mom said, "as long as we can get them off." "You can, I'll show you how. Would you follow me honey? I'll get you fitted." After I took the top off, she carefully positioned the new breast forms, holding them in place until they "set," then told me to try the bra on again. The difference was dramatic. I not only filled the bra, I even had bigger boobs and a bit of cleavage! I looked in the mirror, and was pleasantly surprised at what I saw. Grinning, I turned, then.... "There is one more thing," the lady said, "if you wear that pantybrief you have on under something like a swimsuit, it'll get wet, which means that you could not wear it after you changed clothes. You would have to have another one with you, but I believe that I have a better solution." (4) She went in the back for a moment, returning with what looked like a flesh colored pantybrief of sorts, except that on the outside it looked like a girl! Shocked that something like that even existed made me gasp. As I took it from her hand, I felt the texture of it, turning a bright red I'm sure. The lady pointed at a booth, so I went in and slipped off the pantybrief and panties, then stepped into the one she gave me. It took a moment to figure it out, but I managed to get myself into it properly, then turned to face myself in the mirror, sans panties. Other than the color and the obvious design in the front, and a place for my manhood, it wasn't all that different from the pantybrief. "The lady spoke from behind the curtain. "Those are latex, so the water won't bother them, and like your own skin, you can simply dry them off. They're better than that padded one because you'll actually have less on! Do you like them?" "Well, duh! Hell yes I like them!" "Don't talk like that," mom said as she stepped into the booth. I heard her sigh when she saw how I looked, then said, "Go ahead and get dressed. I'll take the gel forms and the padded brief and pay for everything." And that my friends, is how I ended up looking like a girl, all over, boobs and all! Based on her reaction, I know for a fact that mom did not know that she would find anything like what I ended up with. At least not the kind of padded panty I ended up with. I'm not even sure why she bought them for me, but not looking a gift horse in the mouth, I kept my mouth shut and got dressed. It was a very eerie sensation that panty gave me. I felt more natural, and a whole lot less like a guy in a skirt, that's for sure! The total lack of anything between my legs felt strange, but I found that it did not hurt like before when I put my knees together. On the way out of the store, the lady made it clear that I would have to sit to use the bath. "We had a lot of demand for that function, which is why it's standard in all of our models. Just keep it clean and you'll be fine. Your mother can help you with that. If you have any problems with it, or want to upgrade, call me." I, and mom too I think, were both thoroughly shocked at the realism the breast forms and panty gave me, and while I was thrilled, I'm not real sure that my mother was. As we headed back to the mall... "This changes everything doesn't it?" she asked. I had no idea what she meant, so my only response, "huh?" made her smile. "Unless you take those off, you'll have no choice but to dress like a girl honey. The panty you could hide under your boy clothes I guess, but those boobs make it unlikely that you could dress like a boy and get away with it.... right?" "Yeah, I guess... but the lady said that the boobs come off with that solvent, and the panty just slips on!!" "This is not what I expected," mom said quietly, "and while I know that she showed that panty to me before you tried it on, and I agreed to it, I'll admit that when I saw what you looked like, like a normal girl, I was a bit shocked!" Turning to me... "And based on the look on your face, this is what you wanted, isn't it?" There was that rock and a hard place again. Having my mother find out about me was bad; having her help me was good. Telling her that I looked exactly the way I always knew I always should have gave me the willies, but I could not deny it, so.... "Yeah." "We can talk more about this later, but lets get you something more to wear." Once we were back at the mall, she got me a pair of low heels, another skirt, and one more dress plus some pantyhose. Once, I saw a quarter on the floor and bent to pick it up when I heard mom gasp, stopping me right there. "Bend at the knees honey, unless you want to show the whole world your panties!" It was like that all day. Little tips to help me. How I sat down for example. One thing I did pick up quick was the way girls talked. In questions, and unafraid to show emotion. I did not raise the pitch of my voice, I only changed the tone a bit, and ended up sounding just like a girl my age. We went back to finding a swimsuit, and after trying on that two piece she had showed me before, and getting her approval to get it, we went home about four in the afternoon, having exhausted ourselves shopping, only I wanted to try on more stuff. Mom said no, so I was content to get what I got, the boobs and panty the rest! Almost as soon as we got home, Ralph was at our house, but I was trying on the two piece again when mom called me. I knew he was there, I could hear him, so I knew exactly what I was doing when I walked out. He saw me, his eyes popped open, his mouth went agape, and he started to fidget! I casually, in my best model walk, took the few steps towards him. "What's the matter big boy? Cat got your tongue?" "Damn! You look.... but you're not a.... how....?" "She can't tell you Ralph," mom said, "but now, Kristen can join you if you decide to take a swim." "Damn!" he said again, which drew a rebuke from my mother. "I just stopped by to see if you wanted to walk over and see the new ball team practice, and I just thought that you might want to go." "Yeah. Why not?" I said, feeling that there wasn't any way that someone would know about me, yet still, I wondered about my best friend. Ralph and I left the house as soon as I changed into my skirt and top, walking towards the park, about eight blocks away. We had gone about three blocks when I felt his hand take mine! I almost jerked my hand away, but.... "Listen," he said, "I am NOT Gay! But you look like a girl, you sound like a girl, you smell like a girl, and you act like a girl! I mean, this is way different, but you're kind of cute... and I.... um... I think you look nice this way!" "Are you out of your mind? You know for sure that I'm not a girl, I only look like one!" "Yeah, but damn! You look pretty fine to me! Better than Gail, that's for sure!" "Don't let her hear you say that! She'll hand you your balls on a platter!" "I wouldn't let her get close enough to my balls to do that, but lets just go with it, okay?" He held my hand the entire way, and when we sat in the bleachers, he put his arm around my waist, and pulled me so that I was right up against him! I did not make a fuss because he and I knew most of the players. A few saw us and hollered up, but most did not. We stayed until we saw they were getting whipped, and left. Rather than going straight home, we walked down by the lake because that's where the swings were. There wasn't anyone there, and Ralph pushed me as the swing went higher and higher, then he went around front, and as I dismounted, he caught me, and we were face to face, nose to nose, his arms wrapped firmly around me. Then it happened, he kissed me, right on the lips, and hard too! His tongue probed my lips as I stood there, to shocked to do anything, yet I opened my mouth and accepted him. His hand was low on my back and getting lower, so I broke away gasping at what we had done. "Why did you do that?" I cried, "now look what you've done!" "What? All I did was kiss you!" "But I'm your best friend! I'm a boy like you!" "No!" He almost shouted, you're not a boy like me! You're a girl now and you know it, so why not?" "But... I'll be myself in a few days, so why did you do that?" "A few days? No way! You like being a girl to much for that! You might change when school starts, but not before then, that's for sure!" "No way! I only did this for you! For that family party!" "Right. And pigs fly! I saw you in that next to nothing swimsuit, so... if that was the only reason, why do you have boobs now, and what happened to your equipment? It sure looked to me like you have a.... snatch, so this dressing up deal isn't for me, it's for you! Maybe, or probably, a lot more than that! You know what I think? I think that you really do want to be a girl but are afraid to say so!" "What if I do?" I said defiantly "Then there isn't any reason for you to not let me kiss you is there?" He had neatly run me in a circle until I admitted that I wanted to be a girl, leaving me with nothing I could say that sounded the least bit plausible, so, with a sigh, I gave up. I wasn't going to win anyway. But I did not let him kiss me again. He did hold my hand on the way home, but I was more confused than ever! He was right, I wasn't doing it for him, I was doing it for myself, and I loved it; I loved being pretty, smelling nice and all the rest, and I really did want to be a girl, but when he kissed me, everything I thought I knew about myself went directly into that tailspin called confusion. It wasn't as if I didn't like it, I did. It was the fact that he thought of me that way! Me! His best friend in the whole world, almost from birth, and he wanted to kiss me? I was sure that he was crazy! By the time I got home I was really worked up, almost in tears as I fought those alien feelings. I was sure that I didn't like guys, but when he kissed me my whole body tingled, either fear or delight. I wasn't sure. Either it was confirmation that my transformation was really good, or Ralph had a crush on me. There wasn't anything in the middle that I could think of. I ran in the house, leaving him standing outside, breaking into tears the minute the door shut. Sobbing like a baby, I ran to my room and slammed the door. Within minutes mom came in. I was laying on the bed crying. "What's the matter? Did Ralph hurt you?" "He kissed me!" I sobbed. "He kissed you? And that's why your crying? But why?" "He knows that I'm a... but he says that I...." "I see! You think that because he knew you before, that he should ignore what he sees now?" Mom sat down on the bed next to me. "He can't honey. Guys only see what they see. They don't look back very well; all he sees a pretty girl, is attracted to her, and took action! That's what guys do Kristen! It's nothing you did or didn't do, it's the way he is! It's the way all guys are! Now, tell me. Kissing him wasn't so bad was it? I mean, it was a one time thing, right? So why get into such a bother about it?!" I said nothing. Taking my face in her hands, she asked, "What else did he do, or say?" It all came out. How he thought that I liked being a girl to much to quit, even after the party, how I sounded like a girl, smelled like a girl, and acted like a girl, and even that I was kind of cute! I told her that he didn't care about anyone but himself! That drew a laugh. "Honey, all men are like that! All of them are like that when they want some affection! It's not just Ralph!" She paused, then added... "I know he's right, that you like it that is, I see it on your face, so tell me, what really has you upset?" Again, I said nothing. "I see! You like being a girl more than you want to admit, even to yourself! That's it isn't it?" "I guess," I said through the sobs. "I could let you stay this way until school starts, but you'll have to go back as yourself. I won't put you in danger by allowing you to go to school this way. Is that okay?" "Yeah," I said softly. "Alright then, lets stop this crying. Given the facts as I know them, how about from now until school starts, you can be a girl; but boys kiss girls, so be prepared, because I doubt that Ralph will simply quit. He likes you, and I'm telling you that there is nothing better than having a close friend that adores you. Trust me on that." I finally settled down when the realization hit me. I was girl, Ralph was boy, and he was after me, even though I still wasn't sure why. I really needed a shower, so I undressed, then looked in the mirror. The latex panties looked fine, only a thin seam gave away the fact that they were panties. My boobs just hung there from my chest, a tiny bit heavy without the bra to hold them up, but nice anyway. My boobs were an A cup, not real big, yet looked perfect to me. I went in the shower and tried to soak away my fears and doubts. As I washed myself and felt the new parts, I had a flash of excitement deep within myself, as if Mr. Happy was, well, happy. I checked with my hand, and felt nothing but the thin slit that defined the new me. As I got dressed in shorts and a top without a bra, I left my hair damp, and not planning on going anywhere, did not put on any makeup. I simply wanted to play on my computer, and fill my logbook with everything that had happened to me. I stayed in my room writing until dinner, then went back to it. I filled lots of pages with my thoughts, feelings, and even wrote that kissing Ralph was exciting. Not being a total dunce, I figured that he wanted to get into my pants, simply because that's what guys do with girls. Try to get them to put out. I wouldn't do that, but I knew that was the general aim. Just about bed time mom came in and gave me a nightgown. I slept in it that night, with the full knowledge that the next day would start my first as a girl full time. At least until school started in a few months. Mom told me to wear the sun dress, so when I was dressed, she and I went outside and she started taking pictures with her new toy, the digital camera. I stood, sat, posed in various ways, had several close ups done, plus some where I held up the hem of my dress. When she filled the card she went in the house, leaving me outside. I looked back at Gail's house, wondering how she was, and decided to find out. She was going to find out about me anyway, and I wanted to be the one to tell her. I walked around the block away from Ralph's house, ringing the bell when I got to Gail's. To my surprise, she answered the door! "Yes?" "Hi Gail. You know me, Chris, but I've changed a bit." "Ohmygod! You look fantastic! Come inside!" "Are you okay? I don't want to catch anything...." "I'm fine now. Come inside." Once I was inside.... "Damn girl! You look great, but what's the deal? Why are you dressed this way? Ralph told me about you, but I really didn't believe him! He's such a putz." "Call me Kristen Gail." "You bet!" Other than Ralph, Gail was my next best friend, and that's why I told her the whole story. I had to. She would find out anyway, so I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. She and I just sat there as I told her that I liked being a girl, and that mom had bought things that let me look and feel like a girl, plus some clothes. "And that's why I'm dressed this way, but you can't tell anyone... okay?" "Sure. It'll be nice not being the only girl around here. We can do a lot of stuff that he guys don't like to do! Has Ralph hit on you yet?" "Yeah, but... he didn't get very far." "How far?" "He kissed me." "That's nothing! Fred tried to get his hand in my pants once!" "Fred?! Mild mannered Fred, The class nerd?!" "Yeah, he's a nerd, but he's also a guy, and we got carried away I guess." Just about then Gail's mom came home. "Mom? This is Kristen? She'll be here for the summer." "Hello Kristen! Nice to meet you! Now maybe Gail will have someone to do things with!" "Yeah! I've got that girls club thing to go to, maybe you would like to go with me?" "Maybe. I'll have to ask." "Lets go then! We can ask your mom, then walk over there, and get some ice cream on the way home!" The girls club had about 30 members, about half were there, and when we got there I realized that I knew most of them! Thankfully, they mostly ignored me or did not recognize me, even though a few gave me sideways glances. That was scary! They might have recognized me, I wasn't sure, but nobody said anything to me, so I just sat and waited until the meeting was over. Gail was very cool about my change, and did not seem to care at all. If anything, I think she liked it because, like she said, she wouldn't be the only girl in the neighborhood. We got our ice cream and started home. "You don't look very much like yourself; a little, but not enough for anyone to tell. None of those other girls knew who you were, but a few of them asked me if you were related. They said that you looked a lot alike; that's a good thing, right?" "That's what I was hoping for. Doubt is good!" Gail and I walked home, then I went home myself. On the outside I looked like your average 14 year old girl, but on the inside I was in total turmoil. I loved the fact that mom was letting me dress up, it had always been a fantasy of mine, yet there were parts of me that also liked being a boy. It was those minor things, like using the bathroom. Girls had more to do than guys. All I ever did was unzip and let fly; as a girl, I felt like I was always getting undressed. Guys just got dressed and went where they wanted to go, while girls had to do hair and makeup, select an outfit, and so on. I didn't really care about the time it took because I was getting what I wanted, yet I felt like I had this push/pull thing going on inside. Gail, and other girls had no experience being anything but girls, so they simply accepted things the way they were. I, on the other hand, knew both, so I could see the advantages boys have, as well as the advantages girls have. My mother, for reasons of her own, had let me do this; I knew what she said, and recognized the tone in her voice as a truthful one, yet I could not see Ralph's mother letting him do it. Never. It did not take a genius or great insight to figure out that my mother was being overly indulgent, or she had other reasons for allowing me to pretend to be a girl, even to the point of buying specialty things for me. Being in the room full of girls had allowed me to see how they acted when they were all together, with no boys around, and at times, how silly they seemed, what with all the arm waving and shrieking. Sitting on my bed, I wondered if I, like those girls, could be that way. Just being able to get dressed up was a thrill beyond my wildest dreams, but I was beginning to feel as if I couldn't do it. When I was with Gail and those other girls, I felt somehow out of place. I had none of the experiences they did. No dolls, no frilly lace dresses growing up, no experience with boys, and no sense of myself as a female. The idea that they are beautiful and would be mothers some day is entrenched in them at an early age. I had none of that. As I looked over at my reflection, to see the girl that I had come to look like; I both loved her, and hated her. I felt guilty loving her, because she was everything I wasn't, and could do those things that were forbidden to the old me. On the other hand, I hated her because she had taken over my life. Dresses and bras, panties and shoes, makeup and earrings, they all became symbols of my desires, yet also, a tether that harnessed me to her with a force that I could not break. I knew, because like mom, I looked it up. Boys like me almost never lose their enthusiasm for the feminine; to dress, walk, talk, and act like females. Starting young and lasting a lifetime, I would forever be saddled with the desires that led me to be dressed the way I was at that moment. In effect, I had reached, at a very young age, the point where I had to decide. Forever a boy, or occasionally a girl, joy or guilt. If I chose to go back to being a boy, could I attain the status I had before this with Ralph? With Gail? With my mother? If I decided to become the girl I saw in the mirror, would become so feminine that return was impossible? Or, could I do both? Boy at school and with family, girl all the other times it was available. Then there was Ralph. Why wasn't he angry with me? Why did he accept me as a girl so quickly? And why did he seem to be attracted to me? He was my best friend, we had always shared everything. And why did I let him take me anywhere? Was it hubris? Or was it the simple excitement of the moment; that first time that I could go someplace with another and actually be the girl everyone saw? I wanted to confront my mother about it, but I knew somehow, that her answers would not satisfy me. She would simply tell me to quit if I had doubts. But if I quit, then I would be back at my starting point, still saddled with the same desires that led me to wear that dress! I had to talk to someone that would not lie to me. Someone that would tell it like it is, and help me understand what was happening to me. There was only one person in the whole world like that, but for me to ask her, I would also have to tell her the truth, as well as everything else. Lying to her would not be an option. I sat there trying to work up the courage to tell her, to ask her why I felt that way. Finally, after a great internal debate, I picked up the phone and called. She said that she would be home the next day, and told me to come over. As I hung up, my initial plan to go as the old me went out the window. I had to go as a girl, or she would never see, or understand the problem I was struggling with. Besides that, I still had boobs. So, if I had to go as a girl, then I damned well was not going to let her see me as a fool, or a clownish boy, in a dress; I was going to have to look as perfect as I could, and get ready without help. Those small hairs I had removed had started to come back, so that was where I would start. I would become the epitome of femininity, and her name was Kristen. Mom and I ate dinner early, then I went in my room to prepare for my debut, with the one other person I loved dearly, my Grandmother. I call her Nana. I used that cream hair remover again, washed it off, then filled the tub with bubblebath. Using mom's razor, I shaved every inch of skin that I could reach, including under my arms. I decided to wear that special panty, because it gave me a certain degree of confidence, as well as making it possible for me to prove my point if I had to. Then I washed my hair. I felt somehow refreshed. I had accepted the fact that she just might throw me out, but I doubted that. It was sort of like facing the firing squad. You knew that you were going to die, yet you hoped they would all miss. I stood there in front of the mirror, trying to set in those rollers like mom had done, and failed. I simply did not know how to do it. I had no choice, so I asked mom to help me. I did not tell her what I planned, I only asked her to help me "so that I'll look nice". After she was done and I was alone in my room, I slipped the nightgown over my head and lay on the bed. I was exhausted from all of the mental anguish I was going through, yet more than ever, determined to get my answers. I awoke early the next morning, had breakfast, and as soon as mom left for work, I began my transformation. I decided to wear the sundress, and as I slipped on the panties, I felt a surge of confidence within myself; I just knew that I would look pretty. I put on the makeup very carefully, not to much, yet some of everything. Foundation and powder, blusher and eyeshadow, eyeliner and lipstick, even perfume. I slipped the dress over my head and zipped it up, feeling the tightness of the fit as it flowed over me. I brushed out my hair after removing the rollers, used hairspray and a brush to make it as nice as I could before I slipped the dangle earrings into the new holes. The two straps over my bare shoulders, the square cut neckline and the shortness of the dress combined to allow me to think that I had a chance with Nana. The pantyhose made my legs look sleek and smooth, and maybe look a bit more feminine than I realized before. I wore the low heels, with the same handbag that matched the shoes, as I walked out of the house, then towards my fate. Nana lived across town, which meant that I had to walk about ten blocks before I reached her neighborhood, and another three to get to her house. Along the way I practiced how I walked, and used my arms. On the outside I looked like a calm young lady on a mission; on the inside however, I was a quivering mass of nerves. I had no idea what she would say, or do, when she saw me. As I walked along I saw other people, some waved, some smiled, but most just went about their business. As I turned the corner and could see the house, I began to feel that quivering tremor of fear coming back, but it was too late for that. I was committed. I walked up on the porch, and with a painted finger, rang the bell. It seemed like an eternity before she opened the door. Her initial reaction was a smile, something I did not count on. "Kristen! How nice to finally meet you! Come inside and we can talk." Kristen? How did she know my name? "I made some nice cookies honey. Lets sit out on the patio and you can tell me what's going on." It all came out in a rush, almost all one word I think. All of my questions about myself, those fears and doubts, Ralph and Gail, and mom of course. Everyone seemed to accept me, yet the question was why? I had to know why I loved being a girl so much, why everyone had accepted me so easily, and why I was driven to take so many chances to be what I wasn't. I had tears in my eyes when I finished, positive that she would think I was crazy, or stupid, or weird, or maybe even all three. "Kristen, honey, you are not the first, nor will you be the last boy to feel this way! This has been going on for centuries! I cannot tell you why you feel this way, only that you are not the only one! Your mother called and told me what was going on, so I wasn't all that surprised to see you all dressed up this morning. I'm not even surprised at how lovely you are! You look a lot like your mother at this age! As far as your mother goes, I know for a fact that she is only trying to help you understand what's happening. She helped you because you needed help, and for no other reason that I know of. I do know that she is very concerned for your safety, since so many people are against what you're doing, and that's why she bought things for you that might seem to make it look like she has other reasons for allowing you to do this. To dress this way I mean. There is no reason for you to feel ashamed of being who you are, but you must realize that if you do anything less than your very best, it could lead to someone harming you. If, in your heart, you know that this is what you want, then you have to say so! You have to say to me, your mother, your friends, and especially yourself, that this, the girl I have sitting here in front of me, is the person that you really are. If it's less than that, that you simply like to dress up once in a while, then that's okay too!" I started to say something, but she held up her hand to stop me. "I know that there are men that like to play dress upon the weekends, and they probably even have clubs they belong to or places they can safely go, but they can never achieve the full meaning of what it's like to be a woman, no matter how much they want to know, simply because they cannot devote the time. They have families, jobs, and so on that impact on that decision, and many cannot, or will not, risk everything just to satisfy an urge that won't go away! Boys like you however, those who, at a young age, feel they are girls, sometimes have the chance to explore that part of themselves, sometimes can become young ladies for a while before returning to being who they really are. Maybe they want to become women some day, maybe not. But either way, no matter how old they are, they can succeed only if they have the nerve, and the willingness to try it! I don't know why your friends have reacted the way they have. Maybe they already sensed that you should have been a girl. Maybe they simply don't care because they love you and care about you. I do know that I would not push them away. They can be the building blocks you'll need as you make new friends." Nana took both of my hands in hers. "Honey, you have to know that there is no right or wrong here. It's not black and white! It has never been wrong for a male to like the softer side of life, and maybe even want to be a female, but it's always right to seek out the truth, even if it hurts, like it does for you right now. I also want you to know that neither your mother or I am disappointed in you. You were strong enough to tell your mother, your friends, and now me. Now you need to be strong enough to decide what is right for you. You are the only one that can make that decision. "But... I don't know! I've always wanted to be a girl Nana! I always wanted to have my own dolls, or play mommy, and dress in nice dresses and not always be so concerned about doing any of those things! I like being a girl Nana, but I'm not sure if I can.... not now anyway, not after this.... "Yes, you do. You already know the answer. You're just afraid to listen to what your heart is telling you." I started weeping, tears that lubricated my inner turmoil in ways that I had not expected. I had always wanted to be a girl. To, like I told Nana, experience all of the things girls do growing up. I had been able, for a short time, to realize some of what it's like to be a girl, just a taste, yet there was so much more to learn, and that scared me. Dating for example. I wasn't convinced that was something I wanted to do, and I had never been attracted to boys, and after attending that meeting with Gail, and seeing how the girls were with each other, my doubts only grew larger, and more intense. Girls were more fluid in their movements as well as their relationships, while guys were less vocal about things, but more boisterous. There was so much that I did not understand about girls, yet I desperately wanted to understand. I wanted to be like them, to feel like them, to act like they did. It was a feeling that was sometimes overwhelming, and sometimes a huge weight on my shoulders, so the question was, did I want to be a real girl, or just play at being one? That was the problem. Nana sat there holding my hands softly, no terror in her eyes, no hatred, no disillusionment, only love and concern. That was why I wanted to talk to her. She was the voice of reason within the chaos I had created. She would always love me, no matter what, but unlike my mother, she bore none of the weight of the day to day problems my wearing a dress was making. As my tears were wiped away, I felt a sense of relief come washing over me. I squeezed her hands tightly as I looked into her face, that calm, placid face that I loved so dearly. I had my answer, but could I act on it? Could I jump feet first into the well of society, in a high school, and make them believe that I am what I seemed to be and survive, or would I go up in the flames of shameful doubt and unrelenting hatred. "Kristen," Nana said softly, "you cannot make this decision on your own. You have to tell your mother how you feel, and make her believe that whatever you decide, it is the best for you. I think she understands your need, but I'm sure that she doesn't know that this is what you want to do all the time." How in the hell did she know that?!! "Can you tell her?" "I don't know! She'll think that I'm..." "She is your mother Kristen! She is not some ogre! She might not understand the depths of your feelings because you haven't told her, have you?" "No." "I can't tell her honey. It has to be you. I can be there if you like, but I can't, and I won't, tell her." I sat there like a lump, unable to respond. "I'm not even sure that she could get you enrolled in school this way! What if you had to attend as a boy and only become Kristen on the weekends. How would that make you feel?" "Scared," I said without thinking. "Scared of what?" "Making a mistake! If I were a girl all the time, then minor mistakes would be ignored. If I did it just on the weekends, then everyone would eventually figure it out, and I'd be mincemeat at school! I would never be accepted... by anyone!" "So... your solution is to be a girl all of the time, simply because your scared?" "I guess, I don't know! I don't think I could take it if someone found out, but I know they will! Nobody would ever talk to me again, and the guys at school would crucify me! I'd be lucky to just get through the first week!" "Okay," she said in an eerily calm voice, "say you attend school as a girl. What about the PE classes? The dances? The proms? Just how did you plan on getting around those? PE is mandatory in this state, and you would be required to go, and that leads to locker rooms and showers and so on. I would imagine that getting naked in a room full of other girls might be stressful, unless you know how to either get around it or look like them. Do you know how to do that?" "Yes," I said suddenly, "I do know how to do that; it's expensive, but it can be done, and from what I know, it's virtually undetectable." "I see! So you have done your research!" "I had to know Nana! I know a lot of things about how to look like a girl, only I can't afford it, and I can't ask mom for the money. She already bought me a special kind of panty that makes me look like a girl... down there, but she doesn't have the money to get the best one, so why bother?" "Well, if you had these things, what would you do?" "I.... I guess, like you said, I would do what's in my heart. I would wear them." "And be a girl all the time." "Yeah, I guess, if I could, I guess I would. I just couldn't do it part time Nana!" "Then maybe it's time to tell your mother?" "I'll tell her tonight I guess." "No dear, now is the time. I'll call her and see if she can stop by. That way I'll be here for you." It had happened. Nana, using her impeccable logic, had neatly defined the problem, illuminated it brightly, then let me solve it myself, albeit with a nudge. Her manner of speaking, the total lack of recrimination, and her obvious thought process all lead me to consider many things, including not only the direction I wanted to take, but others as well. I was really afraid of admitting the direction I wanted to take, because I knew, without anyone telling me, that to even attempt to be a girl full time was filled with so many pitfalls that I couldn't count them, yet I had no choice. I was driven by an unseen force that swallowed me whole, then spit out what Nana saw, a very scared boy, desperately anxious about his dressing like a girl. If my mother accepted what I was about to tell her, and even if she agreed to spend vast sums of money to help me achieve it, there were other issues to be solved. Kristen did not legally exist for example, and even if that was taken care of, I still had to fit in. I had to become as flexible in my way of life as girls are; I would have to lose all fear of being discovered, not because it wouldn't happen, it would, but because my brain was still male, at least for now. Seeing other girls naked wasn't bothering me, I could see all the naked girls I wanted on the Internet. It was having them see me. As I sat there and those thoughts ran through my mind, I suddenly realized that it probably wouldn't be the other girls I had to be afraid of, it was me! In a locker room for example, they would be just as shy about themselves as I would be, and they would not be looking at me strangely unless I gave them reason to! But some girls knew how to sew, or knit, or do other things that girls do, and I knew squat about any of that! They also knew how to make boys notice them, or make them go away. Again, I knew zero about those things. It was a blur as a torrent of other issues that I didn't know anything about raced through my mind, yet I couldn't stop, not once I said that I wanted to be a girl full time. The other kids would find out about me, that was for sure, and while the school board had allowed it twice before, but in both cases, the girls had been ostracized for three long years. That was about four years ago, and while I hoped things would have changed, they might be the same. And even if they simply left me alone, who would want to associate with me? Take me to the dances? Or for pizza? Or want me in their club? The more I thought about it the more scared I became. The immense effort it would take to remain a girl just might not be worth the emotional trauma it could cause. I was torn between taking the safe route, playing girl on the weekends and suffer through it, or be a girl full time and endure a future possibly filled with torment Nana and I sat there for a while, then she got us some sodas. I sat there sipping on my drink, trying to think of a way that I could tell my mother the truth, and after that, Ralph and Gail. (6) I did not want to ruin our friendship, and I really did not want Ralph to hate me. In a way, telling mom would be a relief. Telling Ralph wouldn't. Nana told me to fix my makeup, so I went in the bath and washed up, and reapplied my makeup, using what I had in my purse, making sure that I looked just as good as when I left that morning. I did not want mom to think I wasn't able to take care of myself. She showed up around three, a good two hours before her quitting time. I stayed put as Nana led her to where I was sitting. I almost started to cry right then, but managed to hold it in as mom sat across from me. There wasn't going to be any way to gently lead into it, so.... "I want to be a girl," I said softly, "full time, all the time, in school and everything." "I was pretty sure of that already honey, I was just waiting for you to tell me." "But how could you know!? I didn't know until today!" "I wasn't sure, but given what you've told me so far, I figured that might be the case! I also think you knew it all along Kristen; you were just afraid to accept it." Mom held my hand in hers, smiled, and said... "Now all we have to do is find a way to let you be a girl, right?" "She told me," Nana said, "that she knows how to look so good that she could use the locker room, just like the other girls, and they wouldn't know!" "Is that true? You know how to do that!?" "It's on the Internet mom. Anyone can find it, but it's real expensive. Remember what that lady told us? She said that she had some that were even better than the one I already have?" "And what? You thought that we can't afford it?" "Yeah." "If I let you do this, and I'm not even sure that I will, then I will expect more from you. Girls different in a lot of ways honey. For one, they are not usually as messy as you are, so you'll have to keep your room neat at all times, help around the house a bit more, and while I understand your lack of skills doing your own hair, I want you to learn how take care of yourself! I won't always be there to do it for you!" "So... you're not mad at me?" "No dear, I'm not angry. I'm just surprised that you feel this way. I can't think of one advantage girls have over boys, and I can't understand why you want to give all that up!" "But I don't have all those advantages," I said loudly, "I'm not old enough to have them!" That brought a giggle from Nana. "That may be true," mom said, "but, you do realize that by doing this, that everything you think you know is going to be turned upside down and inside out?" "Huh?" "I'll bet that after a few months of having to take the time to look nice, doing your hair and makeup every day, living with the fact that as a girl, you cannot do many of the things you used to do, like hang out at that club you boys have, or just up and leave with Ralph. He'll want to do things with the guys, and you won't be invited; you'll be left out because you're a girl. And speaking of Ralph, what about him? He is as close to you as a brother! Even if he can he accept this kind of dramatic change in you, he is a male, and eventually he will become a young man, one that will look on you not as a brother, but a possible mate!" "But he knows me! He knows that I couldn't.... wouldn't...." "He might know right now honey, but after a year? Maybe two? By then he'll have forgotten what you were, and see only a young lady; And as far as that "I wouldn't," and "I couldn't," goes, you will do it, because that's what girls do. Either that or you'll be sitting home alone for the rest of your life." Mom sat back and looked at me. "I want to see pictures of these things you say you know about before I make any decision, but I'm warning you, if I agree to this, there will be no going back. Once you have those products you mentioned, and if they as good as they claim, you will be a girl from that moment on, and you will be one until you are old enough to make those legal decisions for yourself, which by my calculations, will be seven years. I can't have you going back and forth. You have to be one or the other, a boy, or a girl." "So... I can try it?" "No dear," mom said softly, "there will be no try If you have these procedures done. You'll simply be a boy one day and a girl the next. There can't be any "try". It'll simply be the way it is, and like the rest of us girls, you'll learn how to cope with everything there is about being a girl. Think of it as a sort of a learn as you go program." There it was. My chance to be the girl I dreamed of, the girl I had seen in the mirror, all I had to do was say that's what I wanted. However, once I did, I would forever be that girl, because even I knew that after seven years, there wouldn't be any going back, and all of us knew it. Playing dress up like I had been doing was almost enough, and I wondered if, by being a full time girl that I would feel the rest. Neither mom nor Nana had told me to do one or the other, they only pointed out the difficulties, leaving the decision to me alone. I thought about what she said about Ralph, wondering how he could ever think of me as a girl, but set that aside as I envisioned myself getting ready each day, how I would fit in with the other kids. Would I be just another girl or an object of derision. If the claims I saw on the Internet were true, then I might be safe from ridicule. Hopefully, with only Ralph and Gail knowing the truth, I might just get by without being always left out, and I just knew that I could trust them both. While mom said that she would leave the decision to me, it was only with her approval. I could not make a decision like that without her. My mind was swirling with visions of the problems I might encounter, the hatred, the violence, the total lack of friends. Yet through all that, I knew that I didn't have a choice. I wanted to become a girl more than anything, and I was hoping that the appliances mom wanted to see were as good as advertised. Otherwise I would be relegated to being a weekend girl, and that's only if I were lucky. We sat there quietly for a while as I tried to figure out just how I would tell Ralph. Gail would be easier because she was excited to have another girl in the area. Ralph however would lose his best buddy, the one that he did everything with, almost from birth. I could only hope that any resentment he felt would not result in his telling anyone of my true status. Mom and I went home, silent in our own thoughts. Like me in a way, mom was trapped within a dilemma. She could tell me no of course and that would be the end of it, except she knew that would make me miserable, yet, if she allowed me to go forward she would have to cope with many, possibly even most, of the other issues that would rise from my being a boy one day and a girl the next. A legal name change, school records, health records, her friends that knew me, and the rest of our small family. That, and hold a job, be a mother, as well as being the only person I could confide in. Even though I was only 14, I wasn't so dumb that I couldn't figure that out, and for my own reassurance, once we were safely in the house, I asked her. "Yes," she said quietly, "it will be very hard on all of us, but while I want to, I just can't bring myself to tell you that what you want is wrong! I don't know that it is! I did some research, and I do know that you could grow up being ashamed of who you are, afraid to admit anything about your desires. I also know that there are many boys like you out there, some even manage to do what you want to do, but most have to wait until they are 18 and out of school. Some are really pretty, most get by, and a few look absolutely stunning! I do not want you to suffer, but also, I am afraid that the life you think you'll have, won't be the one you dreamed of, and when that happens, I do not want you to become.... reclusive, and unwilling to try new things. Is this what I thought you would be when you grew up? No. Am I unhappy about this? No. I am in fact, appalled to find out that my son wants to be a girl! But setting that aside, I am scared that you will lose friends, and maybe even your faith in yourself, and that would be the worst thing I can imagine. If you have even the slightest doubt, then you should not do this honey. You need to be very confident that by taking this step, that it is the best thing for you. I'll help, and even though I am very concerned, I said that I would so I will, but you have to be strong enough to hold your head high and be proud to be of yourself, not only as a young lady, but a person as well. Can you do that?" "I can try," I said, but if those things are as good as they say, then won't that be enough?" "No dear. Anyone can wear a dress, that's the easy part. You have to know, right down to your core, deep inside, without any doubt at all, that you are a girl and be proud of yourself. You have to accept the limitations girls have, as well as the good things. Being safe is more than just a special panty and boobs, it's knowing how to be aware of your surroundings. You would not simply walk out at night, alone in a strange place, and risk rape or worse would you? Of course not. You will suffer through boyfriends that promise one thing and give another, girls that pretend to be your friend, all while trying to undermine you. Standing in long lines to use the facility isn't fun, yet a visit to the salon is. Spending half an hour getting ready sucks, the way guys look at you doesn't. There are many things about being a female that are fun, and just as many that are not, so the question for you is, can you accept all of them, be the person you really are, and be happy at the same time." How could I answer any of that!? "When boys reach puberty," mom added, "they get bigger, fill out, grow beards and so on, none of which you want, especially if you're a girl! I found out in my research that a doctor can prescribe medication that will stop that from happening, and at the same time force your body to develop as any girls would, including the growth of hips and boobs. I'm sure that you're not going to fight that from that happening, but it does mean that before we order, or get you fitted for anything, our first trip is going to be to the doctors office. If he agrees with my assessment, and your wishes, and agrees to let you take the pills, then we'll get you fitted. If he says no, and has a valid legal or medical reason, then you'll just have to wait until you're 18. I can't change that. That is as fair as I can be." And that was how it was. Mom refused to let me get the appliances until the doctor saw me, which a week into the future, which meant that I could not tell anyone that I was about to become a girl, because I wasn't sure that he would allow it. Ralph came over and found me dressed as a girl, and rather than ask me to hang out, he wandered away, giving me my first taste of what it was going to be like. Ralph was on his way to do things that normally, he and I would do together. Mom was no help, as all she did was shrug her shoulders as if to tell me "I told you so." On the day of the reunion I was extra careful when I got ready. I wore a pair of shorts that fit me snugly, and a plain pink top. The bra I had on was a soft cup, with the front hook, the bra with just a bit of extra padding. As soon as I had my shoes on I fixed my makeup, put my hair into a ponytail, added hoop earrings and some lipstick, then went to see if mom was ready. She and I were waiting as Ralph came to the door, and we left. His mom drove, Ralph and I sitting in the back of the car. He didn't say much, but he kept looking at me, with a sort of sideways glance. "What?" "Nothing," he said, "I was just...looking, that's all." "And?" "You look nice, that's all. Different, but nice." We did not talk much more, but when we got to the lake, and were out of the car, he grabbed my hand and led me to the dock area. I had no idea what he was up to. "Kristen, I ahh, you look so... I don't know why, but I want to ahhhh.... be with you." "You are silly! I'm right here!" He and I walked a bit further, losing sight of the crowds around the tables. Ralph still held my hand as I stepped upon a huge rock, stumbling a bit. As he caught me we once again were face to face, his arm around my waist, holding me tight. Suddenly, he kissed me, right on the mouth! He jerked back as if even he was shocked at what he had done. I just stood there for a moment, then he pulled me bit close. "The hell with it," he said, and kissed me again, not pulling away like the first time. Once again he managed to shake me to my sneakers, and I quickly broke away, running a short distance before I stopped to look at him. He looked the same to me, but he was grinning! "Why did you do that!? You know I'm not a.... that I shouldn't.... don't do that again!" "I couldn't help myself! You're just so .... cute!" "Just don't do that again!" "Okay! Okay! Calm down." I ran back towards the tables and helped mom and Janet set out the plates and food and so on. They sat to talk, so I wandered inside. There, right in the middle of the room, was a grand piano! I wasn't expecting that. I wandered over, then sat down, opening the front keyboard cover and gently fingered the keys. Assuming that nobody would mind, I played "Memories", followed by "Send in the clowns". Years of practice gave me a bit of skill, so I didn't butcher the tunes to badly. I liked show tunes, and had learned many of them by heart. As I finished playing, I turned to see several people standing there! "Go ahead and play honey," a lady said, "you're very good!" I played another, then stood up to leave. "You're quiet good young lady," an older man said, "not quite perfect, but very good!" "Thanks," I said softly. "Lots of practice." "I'll bet! If you had the music sheets, can you play Strauss? Chopin? Maybe Mozart?" "I can try, but I like show tunes better. They have more... life?" "I agree. Let me get you some music. Lets see how you manage; okay?" "Sure!" He was the very first person to ever tell me that my music had merit, beyond my instructor or family! I did not do recitals nor did I play for others very often. My music was a haven. It was where I retreated when I was nervous or worried. Music has no gender, no inference other than the notes on the page, and didn't care what you wore, and the people only wanted to hear the music. Sadly, up to that point I had been so caught up in the struggle to find myself that I had neglected playing. Being self absorbed does not lead to relaxation. He sat the music in front of me and I began to play. The tempo of the music drew me inward and I forgot all about my worries, Ralph kissing me and everything else. I played Tales from the Vienna Woods. It was the kind of music that makes you sway back and forth, think of huge ballrooms and beautifully dressed people. I lost a few notes, hit a few bad ones, but on the whole, I was very happy with my rendition. As I finished, I looked up and saw that the entire room was packed with people! I just know that I turned beet red. "That was delightful young lady! What's your name?" "Kristen," I said. "You have the makings of a fine pianist my dear! Very fine!" "Thank you!" I saw Ralph making his way to the front of the crowd, and quickly joined him as he led me outside. He and I found a place to sit, and began to gorge ourselves on hot dogs and melon, chips and pie. "You drew quite a crowd in there," mom said as she sat down across from us. "You played very well. I know that everyone liked it!" "I liked it too mom. I think I need that." "Maybe you'll play again? After you eat?" "Maybe." Ralph had other ideas however. He wanted me to go down to the lake again! I said I would, but only if he behaved himself, and he promised he would, so we left. On the way, he told me that he had always enjoyed listening to me play. "You haven't touched a piano since this all started, the day I caught you all dressed up I mean. Why?" "I had other things to think about that seemed more important." "That guy? The one that asked you to play? You know who he is?" "No, why? Should I?" "He's my great uncle or something. He's retired from the city orchestra. He was the first chair violinist for years. He knows a lot about music, and he knows a lot of people." "So?" "All I'm saying is that if he thinks you're good, you can take that as a huge vote for how well you play!" "I'm average at best Ralph, he was just being kind." He dropped it and we walked down to the lake. That fourth cousin of his, the one that bothered him last time was there; she was decked out in a bikini that didn't fit her all that well. She had a... robust figure. Big boobs, wide hips, and chunky legs, and worse, blond hair that had been badly dyed. She had the kind of figure that does not lend itself to a bikini. She saw us and stood up, but Ralph steered me away from her, towards the same rock where he had kissed me. He and I just sat there for awhile, then.... "Is this the new you? What I mean is, are you going to dress like a girl all the time now?" "I don't know yet." "Yet?" "Yeah. My mom wants me to talk to someone first." "Well, I think you look nice myself." "I already know what you think Ralph!" "Yeah, and I know that Gail is excited too. She hates being the only girl in the neighborhood." "We'll see. I don't know yet." We stayed there a while, then wandered back to the food tables again, and after a bit of urging, I agreed to play again. As I sat down at the piano, Ralph stood right beside me. As always, I caressed the keys before playing one of my all time favorites, Send in the Clowns, written by Stephen Sondheim for the musical A Little Night Music. Before I could even start people started to filter in, quietly standing there waiting for me to play! Once my fingers hit the keys I was taken to another place; I let the music envelope me as I played, drifting away on that wonderful tune, the words forming in my mind. When I was done, I left the house and found mom. I told her that I wanted to go home. "But why? It's so nice here, and it seems that you're having a good time!" "I... that song I just played? It sort of reminded me that I'm a clown! I'm all dressed up, with makeup and a costume!" "I think," mom said softly, "that you put to much emphasis on what you aren't, rather than what you are! For one thing, you play very well and you know it, and as far as I could tell, nobody cared what you had on! They don't know, and frankly, they could not have cared less! However, if this is how you feel, that this is a farce, then maybe you should just quit?" "No.... I'm just.... Ralph kissed me again mom! Right on the mouth too!" "I did warn you that he would start to see you in a different way didn't I? It seems that I was right." "But he's my best friend! He knows!" "Lets talk about this later honey. For now, why don't you just sit here with me?" I sat there with mom for a bit, then the older gentleman sat down next to me. "You have great potential young lady, you truly have the ear." "She," mom said, "usually practices quite a bit, but lately we have had other things to do, so she hasn't had the time lately." "I sit on a committee that is planning to host a talent show of sorts for teenagers that have shown that they have the ability to play. I would like to submit your name as one of our contestants. I'll be your sponsor if you like." "This is a great honor," mom said in an excited tone. "I have to discuss it my mom first." My real reason was that unless the doctor said that I could continue, I could not play because he would be expecting a girl! "That's fine. Here's my card, just call me, but don't wait to long." Later that night, when we were at home, mom brought it up, my playing that is. I told her why I didn't jump at the chance. "We only have a few days until you see the doctor, so we'll wait until after that, but I'm sure that he would want you to compete anyway. I could explain it to him." "I don't want anyone else to know mom!" "Lets just see what the doctor has to say first." The days seemed to drag by as I waited for my fate to be decided; it was total agony to know that he could inflate or dash my dreams with a single word, and I looked back to my music for solace. Picking a sheet at random, I got the music from Cabaret, both the words and music. As I started to play I read the words. Several stanzas hit me between the yes. What good is sitting alone in your room? Come hear the music play. Life is a Cabaret, old chum, Come to the Cabaret. Or how about Come taste the wine, Come hear the band. Come blow your horn, Start celebrating; Right this way, Your table's waiting No use permitting some prophet of doom To wipe every smile away. Come hear the music play. Life is a Cabaret, old chum, Come to the Cabaret! The words seemed to lift my spirits in ways that I had not felt before. I did want to get out and enjoy life as I wanted it, and not stay home in my room. I wanted to be seen as a talented, beautiful young lady, one that was confident and unafraid to be herself. That was the dream anyway. But to get there, I had to become that girl before anything else could be true. As the music filled the house I saw mom come in and sit down, just listening to me play. When the song was over I stood up, smiled, and bowed. I was tired, so I went in my room and took a shower, carefully removing everything. It was starting to itch, and the doctor would want to examine me anyway. After a long hot bubblebath I lay on my bed, wondering what would happen the next morning. I would know before lunch. I ate very little, and went to bed early. The next morning I very carefully selected what to wear. Full cut panties so he would not think that I was an "easy," girl, the soft cup bra, a half slip and one petticoat. Pantyhose of course, then the sundress. I liked the way it fit me. By the time I was done getting ready I was confident that I looked as good as I ever did. My hair was up in a ponytail, held with a blue scrunchie. My earrings were blue and white, and I wore the low white heels. The time had come for me to see the doctor. Mom led the way into the office. I sat and waited while she took care of things. I had to wait almost half an hour until she and I were ushered into his office. He looked me over from head to toe without saying a word. "I understand that this is your son?" "Yes," mom answered. "I can see for myself that she wants to be a girl, but can she and I talk? Alone?" After mom left.... "Now then. Tell me all about it. From the beginning please." That took the better part of an hour as I told him how I started dressing up in mom's clothes when I was little, and later, using money I earned, buying my own clothes. I told him that when I was dressed I felt somehow complete. I went through the litany of things that made me feel that I should have been a girl, including how I felt when Ralph kissed me. "Did you like it?" "It... it wasn't bad, it's just that he's my best friend! I was shocked, that's all." "I would imagine," he said slowly. "Your mother tells me that you know a lot about this issue, so you are aware that it is rare, very rare, for a boy your age to go through a transition like this?" I nodded my head yes. "And you are willing to do this, on your own? You're not being forced or anything like that?" "No way! This is.... Mom wouldn't!" "Okay, lets get you into an examination room then." After being poked, prodded, weighed, and measured, he finally had both mom and I together in his office. "I know that you are thinking of using the Mark6 panty, and that is an option of course, but I have another option for you to consider, one that will allow her to grow, and feel, more natural. I have a friend that is doing a study, at University Hospital, on young people that want to change gender, and I'm told that he has developed a new procedure that I'm told is quite effective, and looks very natural. I will approve Kristen to enter this program, but I want to see her every three months so I can monitor her development. She will also need to see a shrink as part of the program. They have to be sure they are doing the right thing. Call this number, and set up an appointment. I'm sure that he will be very anxious to have her as part of his program. Get this filled, and take one a day after dinner." I was on cloud nine because he had agreed to let me be a girl! Mom called using her cell phone, and we were both surprised when he asked if we had time to stop by right then! As it wasn't far, mom drove to the medical center where I met another doctor. He was abrupt, but very clear. "I have a federal grant to study the growth and well being of TG people, which means that all procedures are paid for, as long as you agree to the conditions." After he explained the conditions.... "What we do, especially with someone as young as you are, is retain the testicles in their sockets, which prevents them from growing, and thus helps the onset of female puberty. It's not quite perfect and you still need to take female hormones, however in my experience, it does reduce the testosterone your body makes to a level that is more easily managed. Then we very carefully move the penis inside the body and use the existing skin to create a very real looking vagina, complete with labial lips. It won't be functional of course, but we do however, move the urethra into a position more suitable for a girl. Then we do a minor bit of manipulating to the fat cells so we can do some minor rounding out of the hips and posterior. Given your age, and between taking the pills and what we do, I would guess that within a few months... say six? That she will no longer be recognizable as a male in any way. Breast growth, natural widening of the hips, the higher pitched voice and larger posterior, plus the lack of body hair will be natural, and she will look like most other girls her age, with no discernable difference." I was almost jumping off the chair in total joy, but it was he and mom made the arrangements. Three days. That's how long I had to wait. Three long days. By not having to wear that panty, I would be able to sense touch, and feel more natural, but it would involve some surgery, what the doctor said was minor surgery. As much as I wanted to, I could not tell anyone until it was over; all I could do was look like a girl. Being caught by Ralph when I was dressed up was the catalyst that started this series of events to occur. I never in my life expected this to happen, yet, as events unfolded, and I was allowed to dress up more and more, I became unwilling to accept that anything I had done was wrong. For me, becoming a girl, to be able to live the life of a girl, accepting both the benefits as well as the hardships, was a dream come true. As we all have fantasies that never come true, I knew that I was very lucky. Some people may say that I'm dumber than a post for wanting to be a girl, yet I know it's right for me, and frankly, I'm the only one that counts, because I'm the one in the dress! My mother, for reasons of her own had accepted what I told her, yet I knew that she wasn't thrilled that I would so willingly give up being a boy. She had outlined many of the pitfalls being a girl could bring, and tried valiantly to dissuade me from it, but in the end, she had agreed. I cannot imagine the struggle she had with herself before she came to that conclusion, nor can I find any reason for her to let me have so much say. My mother is a loving, caring, woman that always put family ahead of all else, yet she ruled the roost and there wasn't any doubt of that. For her to allow me to do this had to be both heart wrenching and difficult for her at the very best. I could have remained the way I was, a boy, and made my way through school as one, then taken the steps to become a woman later; but the confluence of events that led to this point brought it all to the front, and neither she or I could escape the plain facts as we saw them. The fact that the changes being made would be covered by a federal grant, eliminated the financial stress mom would suffer through, leaving her to cope only with my status at home, and at school. The minute we got home I grabbed her, and hugged her tightly, "thank you," I said into her ear over and over. My joy was intense, and I simply could not hold it in. My mother left me to sit alone on the patio; like me, I think she was trying to find a way to resolve her inner thoughts. Was I a boy, or girl? Or maybe neither, yet both? I was a girl, I knew that, and I think that mom felt that too, but it was a huge step to take, and she, like me had to struggle with the obvious implications a change like I was making would impact us. Many things would change, how I looked the least of them. Would I be accepted? Could I be the woman I hoped to be? Would I regret my decision later? I knew that I was right, but my mother to face those same questions as well. I had the surgery, and with the help of a lawyer and a cooperative school board member, my name and records were changed, and I began school as just another girl. A cipher looking to gain a foothold within the hierarchy of the school. Band of course, I tried out for the cheerleaders but didn't make it. I joined the sewing club and the school newsletter, and became not a cipher, but a girl trying to make her mark. A few kids, mostly girls, finally figured, or assumed, that I was making the transition, and a few asked me about it. I did not deny, or confirm it. I simply let them believe what they wanted to. The rumor mill in any high school is rife with gossip, some true, mostly not, but it always led to someone doing a fact finding mission. By not admitting or denying their suspicions, and making sure that they saw me naked in the locker room, having seen for themselves what appeared to be a girl, the rumors about me tapered away, and I was, after a few months, just like any other girl in the school, and because I looked like they did, the rumors slowly died a horrible death a few months after we started school. I did try out for that contest, making the final cut, and performing at a charity event. I was thrilled to get that chance! Ralph never again asked me anywhere, meeting another girl. I was glad for him. I met a boy that I dated until he had to move away. Another replaced him, and yet another after that. My body developed just about the way the doctor told me, and within less than a year I had fully matured, with the body of a girl my age, and it was all natural, except for that one thing. I had managed to surmount all of the obstacles in my path, and as happy as I am today, I am not sure that I could do it again. The stress of guilt and fear, compounded by the terrible need I felt and the reaction of my mother is not something I would want to do, or go through again. Mom and I have an easy relationship as before, one of love and caring, yet we are closer than ever before, and I have yet to hear one word of regret from her about my change. I doubt that she regrets it now, not after all this time. She was right about one thing though, when I first had boobs it was like having a new toy; she had told me that after a bit, it would be like having hair on your head. You know you have it, but it wasn't an over riding factor in life. Eventually it was like that with my entire body. It just was. As I write this, I am awaiting the day my final surgery is completed. Four more days before I can proclaim that I am a woman and proud of it. Those days of wanting to be a wife and mother myself is still there, and maybe I'll have that too, but I'll be starting college soon, facing new challenges, and new options. That's what each of us do every day; face the new challenges, conquer them, and move on. I am ready to move on now. I'll be a wife and mother later.