You Are a Meany Chapter 9
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Adolescence is the most confusing time in a person's life. The process of
going from being a child to an adult is filled with changes, the unknown,
instability, intense emotional feelings, contradictions, progress, and
failure along with it feeling like a never-ending process. The worst part
about it is sometimes a person feels like everyone else is changing yet
they are staying the same. Somehow the others were being adults yet they
were in arrested development
Tracy Armstrong felt like a runner being lapped in a track course, very
far behind her friends in the race to become an adult. They were all
having their first relationship and Tracy was too scared to open up about
liking anyone. Admitting a crush could lead to her friends teasing her.
Then there was Amanda. She made changes on who she was and Tracy could
only make plans to do so. There were enough changes going on in Tracy's
life that adding any more uncertainty was frightening.
If being behind and not making the changes she wanted was not enough to
have Tracy down, there was also not being able to make amends for how she
treated Luke. That boy was as sweet as a birthday cake and she picked on
him. The reason of self-preservation made her feel even further behind in
the race towards adulthood. If knowing she did the wrong thing was not
bad enough, the sad fact that she would do it again made her knowledge
even worse. Only a weak small person would purposefully hurt another just
to protect themself from being picked on.
Krissy Armstrong knew her daughter was feeling vulnerable. The mom also
knew that Tracy had no friends to turn to about this. How her daughter's
friends treated others was exactly why Tracy felt so susceptible to
emotional harm. Lori and her loyal court loved to put others down instead
of lifting them up. They were only supportive when they have something to
gain from being there for each other.
Krissy wanted to be like the sun to a flower with Tracy, have her
daughter open up to her. The threat from those who Tracy should feel safe
around made her keep her hands closer to her than a poker player. There
was no way Tracy was going to show people she was holding 7-2 off suit.
Even with being closed Tracy did give a tell about something which was
bothering her. Krissy was talking about Luke being in California and her
daughter bit her lower lip. Krissy prodded some more after seeing her
daughter's nervous tick. Confession was good for the soul so Tracy
admitted she hated how she treated Luke and can never make it up to him
again.
The mom knew it was time to shine some light on her daughter. Tracy
opened her petals some and now was the time for the nourishing words of
wisdom to become sunbeams to help her daughter grow. "Tracy, you can't
worry about not being able to make up with Luke. You can make it so you
become a person Luke would like to be friends with. He might never know,
but you would know you made amends."
Her mom was right. The insight did make Tracy feel more exposed to being
hurt. Tracy knew it might take time, but she will become someone who Luke
would want to hang out with. In fact, Tracy did have a crush on Luke so
she would become a girl who Luke would want to do more than hang out
with. She was not going to change herself so she could be what Luke liked
in a girl, Tracy knew the girl she would become would just happen to be a
girl that Luke would want to be with.
************
Lori's internal clock was still on East Coast Time, so midnight was 3 AM
for her. Even with it being late she could not go to sleep. She drifted
in and out of the land of Morpheus. Any slight disturbance made her wide
awake. The excitement of getting a shirt and hearing about the concert
made her want to be up if by chance her brother dropped off the shirt at
the guest house tonight. Tonight was the first time in her life that Lori
was looking forward to spending time with her brother. The other times
when she wanted Luke around was just to see him miserable.
Lori heard some muttering coming from downstairs. The voices were too low
for her to know who was talking. She could tell that there were three
distinct voices. That third voice had to be her brother's. Now Lori had
to make the decision if she would play it cool and stay upstairs or show
how she felt by running downstairs. Lori went with being honest and went
to see her brother.
Lori came downstairs and said nothing. Lori could not find any words, let
alone the right words to say. Lori was excited about getting the shirt,
yet at the same time, she wanted to hear about the concert. Wanting to
know about the show was normal, but Lori had a desire to know if Luke
enjoyed it. The excited girl finally clumsy said, "Did you enjoy the
concert?"
Cautiously Luke picked his words. This was a goldilocks moment for him.
He had to get his words just right. Saying too much and being happy or
not saying enough while being nonchalant will make Lori mad. His sister
might had done something nice today for him but he trusted her enough
that she would try to get him back if she was not pleased with his
response. Luke said, "Yes, thank you for the tickets."
Lori "Tell me more did they sing Above the Clouds?"
Lori loved Above the Clouds. That song was not only her favorite song by
Boyz+1, but her all-time favorite song. The song was about how just being
with someone else could make someone feel so high touched her. That
neither of them had to be anyone but themselves. Lori felt that people
only really wanted to be around her when she was the Brat Princess. The
song was a fantasy to her. That she could be loved or get attention
without meeting the unrealistic expectation of others.
"They did and that is a great song. I am shocked at how much I enjoyed
the concert. But I do not want to give too much of it away."
The Brat Princess started to stir in the back of Lori's mind. Luke was
lording over the fact he got something which was her divine right. Being
in trouble made Lori able to hide the anger when she asked why.
Luke only heard sadness in his sister's voice. Him not wanting her to
hurt like he did made him brave. That caution he had was thrown to the
wind. Luke held up two tickets and said, "You will be getting the VIP
treatment when you see Boyz+1 in Pittsburgh. I told the band my sister
gave me the tickets because she could not make it. They were touched and
gave me these tickets for you. They also gave me a signed poster, a water
bottle, and a shirt to give you."
Then the third first of the night happened. Lori hugged her brother. Lori
being happy to see her brother and her not knowing what to say were the
first two. Then the fourth first of the night happened, Lori sincerely
thanked her brother. These four firsts were just another major part of
Lori's expedition from being a brat princess to an adult. There was still
a long steep journey which she might not be able to make.
Lori wanted to share looking at the poster with her brother and the fifth
first of the night happened. Lori felt shame about how she horribly
treated her brother as she read what was written on the poster. It was
simple "To our biggest fan and the best sister Luke could have." The
message the band wrote was a lie. If Boyz+1 knew the truth the best band
in the world would not want her to be their fan.
Remorseful tears came down Lori's face. The conscience-stricken girl did
not want to take away from Luke's pleasure. Her brother was happy for her
and this moment should be about the good. He deserved to feel good. Lori
had a Ph.D. in manipulation and used it for the betterment of someone
else. Those shameful tears were easily disguised as joyful ones by her.
Another hug when saying thanks was all which was needed for the ruse. Not
wanting to give any of her marks the chance to catch the grift just ran,
she excused herself for bed citing how she was still not used to the time
difference.
In laying in bed crying herself to sleep came the sixth and final first
of the night for Lori. The pain of her past actions was finally catching
up to her. She was not able to outrun anymore when by having the extra
weight of the lessons she had been learning from her wise dad using
discipline as rehabilitation instead of punishment.
***********
Mary Steiner, AKA Lil, sat down and turned on her banker's desk lamp. She
then pulled open the top left-hand drawer of her desk to retrieve her
journal. She was holding something which four generations of the ladies
on her mom's side passed down. The weathered handmade leather journal was
more than just a place to keep memories, it was where the most revered
and important memories and moments that made these girls become women
were safe kept.
Getting the family heirloom instead of going to her online diary meant
tonight had some memories which she wanted to ensure stayed as what they
were, cherished and revered. That she wanted a physical connection to the
memories. Mary sometimes held the journal close to just feel as one with
who she was. A firm embrace of the past can steadily ground someone as
they went toward the future.
Tonight deserved to be documented purposes of perpetuation. Tonight's
events were going to be placed with the other of the most cherished and
revered events in Mary's life. Tonight Mary learned not only how a man
should treat a woman, but also how a woman should treat a man. She loved
Luke. She loved Luke and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him.
The girl also knew what she wanted was only likely in a fantasy world.
Her world was real, life did not work out like a Danielle Steel novel.
Even with knowing her first love would not be her last love, Mary was
going to ensure that Luke would always be in her heart and life. The way
to honor the time they spent at each other's side was by ensuring she
never settled for anything less than what Luke gave her and she would
never treat the man in her life any less than she would have treated
Luke.
The pen hit the paper and the ink flowing out of the ballpoint could
barely keep with the words Mary was writing. As she wrote there were
tears. Tears of joy from knowing she knew about true pure love. Tears of
pain from knowing that one day she would be without that true pure love.
Tears of fear that she might never be able to find that true pure love
again. Tears of perseverance knowing that she will not settle for
anything other than true pure love. Then more tears of joy knowing she
had something special with Luke. That the good of having him in her life
now will echo in the valley of her life from this moment forward.
Before going to sleep Mary reread what she wrote.
"Tonight was wonderful. I know just saying wonderful does not do justice
to how great being with Luke was. I cannot call it a date because then it
will set the standard of what dates should be from now on to high. I can
hold it as a goal. That any man I am with from now on has to be going
toward having our time together feel like tonight.
I love Luke. It is a true and pure love, we have a connection. I know we
are an amazing couple. We both strive to understand each other, and help
each other understand themselves. We bring out the best in each other. We
have been in each other's life for only a couple of months and yet we
both helped each other grow so much.
I know I will be happy and want to spend the rest of my life with him. I
also know that will not be. There are too many factors which will hinder
that. Time and space, my goal is to be a jet pilot, I will get into the
Air Force Academy. My life will be far away from his. Luke will have his
own goals. He wants to study computer science. He was talking about going
to CMU at first but now he is looking into Stanford. They are both in the
top 5 for his field of study.
Believe it or not our love will be in the way. We both want what is best
for the other. We will know that we will have to set each other free.
Being in an LDR at that time of our life will add to the support we will
need from the people around us and also take the most important support
away from us. We will not hold the other back, we will do what is best
for the other. It sucks knowing that one day what will be the best is
that we are no longer a couple.
Yes even with us not being a couple does not mean we will not have a huge
effect on the other's life. We will have a high standard on how we will
be treated. We will have a high standard on how we will treat others. Our
lives will be a loving memorial to others. I know we will be strong
enough to stay true to this. We will always be in each other's life by
being the forge which made our character.
Tonight was great for we were just each other. Tonight was great for the
trust we had in each other. Bobby Eaton, the heartthrob of the group
flirts with all the girls who go backstage. Most of the girl fans expect
that from him. It is his gimmick. I want nothing of it. Luke did not bat
an eye. He is confident in our relationship and trusts me.
The same thing happened with Tiffany Gibson and Luke. Luke responded the
same way as I did and I responded how he did. Neither of us even found it
flattering that someone flirted with us.
I will say that the group was great. Luke was actually heartbroken for
his sister not being there. The pain she caused him and still he wanted
her to be there. The members saw that and made sure to give him a VIP
package for her to use when they go to Pittsburgh. It was nice to see
them and Luke act with class.
The highlight of the concert was just being next to Luke. It would have
been a great night without him there. Him there just added to the
enjoyment. Him enjoying being there because it was time with me. That is
what I want in life. The concert did not matter, it was who I was with. I
much rather share a McDonald's burger with Luke than eat a 5 Guys burger
without him.
Tonight was great for I know that life will be great. It will be great
for Luke will always be in it, even if it is only in spirit. My life will
also be great for I know that I will always be in Luke's life. That we
will have a bond from helping make each other the best people we could
be.
After rereading her heartfelt journal entry she hugged it. Holding it so
close to her bosom made those feelings she shared with herself feel even
more ingrained in her heart. Then she put the journal to rest before she
went to rest. As she drifted off into sleep, Mary thought about how she
was going to be in the moment from now on with Luke. That she will never
have the unfounded fear of losing him. It was impossible for her to lose
what made her and what was in her heart.
Oceana
- 13.12.2022
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