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His parents had been so happy to see that he registered under his real name — not the American 'Brandon' that he used all through school but 'Ping Lo'. They thought he was finally accepting the family heritage of which they were so proud. It was enough of a big deal for them that they didn't complain about him attending a school in up-state New York. A ten hour drive from Reedville to Buffalo. In truth, part of the scholarship fund had been because he was an Asian-American student so using his real name had helped.
However, the reason for the name and the far away college and several other details had nothing to do with heritage and everything to do with Brandon himself.
It had taken careful planning to get everything set up properly. His friends had told him, warned him. If he did this, it was for four years. Once he started, there'd be almost no way to go back without a probable lawsuit. False registration could get him expelled or worse. But once they were sure he wanted to go through with it, they all helped. Now, with his boxes and suitcases and his parents leaving for home soon, he wished Alex and Sheila, Beth and Lisa would just appear and tell him again. "You'll be fine."
"People will believe you're a girl."
Finally, they left and he immediately drew the curtains shut. Change clothes first. Panties. A bra — not that he needed one, he just liked them. Simple but feminine tops and A-line skirts. And heels. He had feminine legs and high heels showed them off well. He styled his hair, pulling the top into a clip and letting the back and side fall free. A little lipstick but no other makeup.
Then he opened the window and began to unpack. A closet full of dresses and skirts. Hair ribbons. More lingerie than he could possibly wear but Alex had been right about that — wearing it made him feel like a 'pussy'.
Finally, he left his room and made his way down to the building's lobby.
"Hi!" said a perky girl in pink. "We're having a welcome party. Are you new? Come join us."
He took a breath. "Thank you." He could barely whisper. Fear and excitement nearly overpowered him.
"What's you're name?"
"Brandy Dixon." He said out of habit. She looked at her list and frowned. "Oh. You have Ping Lo. My Chinese name."
"OH! Yes. Here you are. Would you rather be Brandy? It might be easier." Without waiting, the girl wrote 'Brandy' on a nametag and stuck it on his chest. "There. I'm Cindy. Welcome to Buffalo." She took his hand and pulled him into the party room. She introduced him to Carl and left them to get acquainted. Then he met Steve, Chris, Karen, and many more names than he could keep track of. Mostly freshmen. All living in this building, a mixed gender dorm. Brandon had scrambled to get a room in this building. An all-girl building would have been too much pressure. And an all-boy building would have been too much temptation. Here, he had a single room, practically a closet, on a girl's floor.
Over the next week, he attended Introductory Breakfasts, Orientation Luncheons, New Student Dinners and First Year Socials in between registering, completing, filing, testing, and suffering in every line on campus. Brandon worried frequently about being found out. Then classes started and everyone accepted him as a 'her'. It was almost easy. People simple accepted that he was who he said he was. By the end of the first month, he was almost able to relax. He was beginning to form a circle of friends, some at the dorm, some in his classes. All of them treated him like a girl.
The first conversation on menstruation caught him off guard but he knew enough from Beth and Lisa to not be shocked and synchronized his 'cycle' to one of his new friends. He bought a box of pads and just for the novelty of it, actually used them for a week. He got used to peeing sitting down in the girl's room. He got used to showering in the last stall, very early or very late and always wearing a full-length robe zipped — not tied — shut. He got some Nair and used it every four days — not that he was particularly hairy. One more thing to thank his heritage for.
"Hey, you wanna go out?"
Brandon was packing his book bag after class and the male voice behind him caught him completely off guard. He looked around slowly to see Eric, a classmate and dorm mate, smiling at him. Eric was mocha-brown with dreadlocks. Not too tall, not wide, beefy but not body-builder-overstuffed. He was a bit shy but not afraid, just reserved. Brandon felt his dick twitch looking at that smile. And those tight pecs under a tight t-shirt.
"Uh..."
Eric's smile faded to something more earnest. "I mean a bunch of us are going off-campus for pizza and beer. You wanna come with us?"
"Oh. Uh..." Dating. Brandon hadn't even considered the realities of dating. He hadn't thought anyone would actually ask him out. "Uh..."
"It's cool to say no."
"No!" Brandon almost shouted. Then blushed and looked away. "I hadn't expected ... I mean, I didn't think..." He laughed at his own embarrassment. Alex would have told him to 'grow a pair.' He looked back at Eric and smiled. "I would love to go. Thank you."
Eric's smile returned, brighter than at first. Brandy was quiet, very un-like any of the girls he had met so far at school. Maybe it was the Far East mystique of her — he preferred to think of her as 'Ping Lo' with her round face and almond-shaped eyes. 'Brandy' seemed so common. She was defiantly uncommon. She was blonde, for a start. Not that clearly dyed white blonde but a dark honey color that seemed weird and perfect at the same time. The southern Virginia accent and long blond hair didn't match her clearly Asian features but lent her a different charm altogether. She wasn't pretty in a conventional way. Her face was too round, her figure too flat to be sexy. She would be boyish if she weren't so delicate and graceful. He had been terrified that she would say no to this first overture. Maybe tonight he'll find the nerve to ask her on a real date. There was a Labor Day mixer coming up. "Good. We're meeting at the dorm lot at 5. I'll see you there." He paused a moment. If this were still high school, he would have carried her books to her locker. This wasn't high school. "OK. Uh, later." He left the room and headed to his own next class.
Brandon sat there, still stunned. What the hell do I do now? He thought. Then his first move stuck him.
He called Lisa. "OMG! A cute boy just asked me out."
Lisa squealed. "Tell me, tell me, tell me! What's he look like?" They talked until the next class began arriving and Brandon had to rush or be late himself.
After his last class, Brandon hurried to his room and changed clothes. Twice. Something casual, Lisa had said, but pretty. Something that says this isn't a real date but you could ask me on one if you wanted to. Brandon had no idea what that meant really. He just really wanted to look like a girl. A pretty girl. In the hall, he stopped one of his study buddies "How do I look?"
"Oh for gosh sake, it's just pizza, Brandy."
"Yeah, but it's pizza with Eric." He said, not really meaning to put his heart that far on his sleeve.
"Oh." She said. "Well. Hhmmm. I think you'll pass." She said with a trace of humor.
Brandon had to laugh at himself. "I'm being a wreck, aren't I?"
"I don't know. Eric's pretty cute."
Eventually three car loads of them wound up at the local pizza shack. Brandy sat in the back seat wedged between the perky Cindy and Eric, who looked out the window most of the ride. Brandon began to think he had the wrong idea until Eric took his hand to help him out of the car. The electricity was unmistakable. For a moment, Brandon held his breath, thinking Eric was going to kiss him right then. But the moment passed and they all went inside.
Alcohol. Alex and Lisa both said to avoid it. All you need to do is get trashed enough to forget which bathroom to use. He demurely passed, saying that he wasn't much of a drinker and no one questioned it. The conversation covered mostly the cost of books and what they all missed from home. Through it, though, Brandon had the feeling that Eric was talking to him, just him and not everyone else.
Eric liked the way Brandy's eyes sparkled when she talked. They were a brown only a shade darker than her hair. Honey hair, honey eyes. Sweet. When she passed on the beer, he passed as well. He liked the way her hair fell into her eyes. Blonde girls. Something about them always appealed to him. When he went to the bathroom, Steve followed him.
"Dude, take a picture."
"What?"
"Of Brandy. You're practically drooling."
"That obvious, huh?"
"Well, if she hadn't noticed it's 'cause she's just as hot for you."
"Think so?"
"Dude. Trust me, you are in."
"Maybe not." Eric laughed. "She's probably a virgin."
"Hey, that just makes it easier. First college guy, right?"
It was a tempting thought. But Eric didn't want her to think that he was just looking for a 'good time'. It was too much too fast. Finding a girlfriend before he's even picked a major. He went back to the table in time to hear her saying that she was heading back to campus.
"It's early." Brandon said. "I'll walk."
"I'll walk with you." Eric chipped in for the pizza and escorted Brandy into the early evening.
It was still warm enough to walk. They didn't hold hands but Brandon thought if he reached out Eric would take it. The idea made him shiver. And got him hard. I've got a boner for a straight guy. What the fuck do I do with this? He thought. Alex is gonna love this.
Eric was, for his part, in almost as much turmoil. He wanted her. There was no denying it. As much as he wanted to get to know her and be friends, he wanted to sleep with her. But girls like Brandy don't just fall into bed with you. Southern belles must be courted first. Neither of them had spoken for a while. "It's pretty out here."
"Yes." Brandon shivered. How can a voice make him that hot? He wanted to find a private place and let Eric take him. It was all he could think of but there was no way Eric would want him. This was destined to be as platonic as friendships get. Brandon wanted to weep. He hadn't even considered this. In order to date openly, he'd have to find a closeted gay man. Or trust someone not to reveal the truth. I can't do this to Eric, he thought, it's not fair.
"So, are you seeing anyone?" Eric just blurted out. He hadn't meant to ask, but the question was nagging at him.
"Uh. No. Not any more." Alex had been very specific — use you and throw you away were his words. He would always be available for sex but never for love. "I was, but ... no. Not now."
"Let me guess, you went to one school, your boyfriend went somewhere else?"
Brandon smiled. "My boyfriend was — is — a year behind me. Ex-boyfriend. Well, we didn't break up but, well," he thought about what Alex was probably doing. "He's not waiting for me."
"I'm sorry."
"Oh don't be. We never planned on being forever. Hell, he had a girlfriend." Brandon winced. So much for keeping a cover.
Eric laughed, "Oh so you were the home-wrecker!"
"No!" Brandon blushed. "It wasn't like that. Sheila knew about me. We..." He stopped short. He didn't want to tell Eric everything.
"We what?" Eric teased.
"No." Brandon felt his cheeks burning. "You'll think I'm bad."
"I know you're bad now." Eric tried to keep his thoughts away from the idea of Brandy in a three-way with her boyfriend and his girlfriend. He liked the idea of her pure and virginal more. But he could see it too clearly and made his blood rush straight down. "You just pretend to be all sweet and innocent."
"Eric! Stop!" Brandon was torn between running and hiding in shame and throwing himself into Eric's arms. Unconsciously, he took Eric's hand. He wasn't even aware of it until he felt the tingling feeling run from his fingers, over his palm, up his arm and nearly stopped his heart. "A girl's supposed to have some mystery, right?"
"Yeah." Eric was breathless. How could holding hands cause such a stir? "Ok. So you're here and this Sheila has uncontested claim to the boyfriend."
"Actually, she graduated too."
"So my question is still unanswered." Eric stopped walking and turned Brandon to face him. "Are you seeing anyone?"
It was wrong. So wrong. So misleading. "No." Brandon whispered. "I'm not seeing anyone else."
It was a subtle move that closed both of their eyes. That leaned them both forward. That connected their lips softly. Brandon thought his heart would pound through his chest. Eric felt time stop. Whose lips parted first is open for debate. Eric's tongue took first advantage but Brandon's did not wait long to respond. Eric's hands held his waist and pulled him closer. With their height difference, Brandon could feel Eric's prominent bulge pushing against his belly button. His own erection...
Brandon broke the kiss suddenly. "I should ... I should ... I can't ... I'm sorry." He nearly ran, chiding himself. Stupid, stupid, stupid...
"Brandy!" Eric ran after him and grabbed his arm. "Wait! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have..."
"No, it's not you." Brandon took a deep breath and tried not to cry out of frustration. "I can't see you. I'm sorry. I can't."
"Was it the kiss?" Eric hoped not; it was the kiss to end all for him. "I shouldn't have..."
"No, no, it's not you." Brandon sighed deeply. "It's me."
"Hey, don't you have to start dating before you get the 'it's not you it's me' speech?"
Brandon almost laughed. "Usually. In this case, we should do it before, not after."
"Why?"
"You don't know me. I'm..." Brandon struggled for a word, " ... different."
"I know. That's why I like you."
Brandon stared at him. "You know?"
"You're a blonde Asian girl with a southern accent. You stand out."
"Oh!" Brandon waved that off. "Not that. I thought you —" Shut up! He told himself. "I have a ... medical condition."
Eric's face froze. "A medical..." Ten thousand girls in this school, I fall for the freak.
"I'm not sick. I mean, I'm not contagious. I'm just not —" Brandon couldn't look at him. "- not like other girls."
"You look normal." Eric's heart was pounding.
"I'm not."
"So show me." A scar, Eric hoped, or an easily hidden birth defect. Something internal like no spleen.
Brandon shook his head. "I can't." He wanted to. Suddenly living as a girl instead of occasionally cross-dressing seemed like the stupidest decision on of his life. "I want to but I can't."
Trust, Eric thought. "Look. I know, we just met. I guess you don't trust me..."
"No it's not that..."
"It's cool. We have time. You don't have to show me." He took Brandon's hand again. "When you're ready, you will." Eric kissed him again, before he could say no, softer this time. Then he draped an arm around his shoulder. "Come on."
They walked the rest of the way in an easy silence, both wondering how long it took to fall in love.
Lisa funeral was hard but having to come back to school the next day was somehow harder. It was as if no one cared that she was gone. Like life was going on without her. It seemed, somehow, wrong. It was bad enough that he had to wear a suit to her funeral. He did wear her favorite black pumps though. Few people noticed. Their circle did and understood why. Lisa would have wanted him to wear black lace. As soon as he could, he changed into a dress at the airport — ignoring the odd looks as he came out of the men's room. It was a relief to be able to cry freely on the plane. The stewardess and the passenger next to him had been sympathetic, as had the cab driver to campus.
His dorm mates greeted him with hugs and a box of tissues. He cried again. "She was the one who taught me how to walk in heels." He lamented later. "How to fix my hair. Everything. She taught me how to be a girl." There was a group hug. And cookie dough. And coffee. And much later he thanked them all for sitting up with him and putting up with all the drama.
Brandon made it to class the next day. When he got back to his dorm, there was a rose with a note. "I'm sorry about your loss. If you want to talk, I'm home all night. Eric."
He put his book bag in the room and went upstairs. Eric's door was open. The man himself was reading. "Thank you." Brandon said from the doorway.
"Hey." Eric dropped the book in a rush for the door. "Welcome home. I'm so sorry. Are you ok?"
"No." Brandon sniffed, close to tears yet again. "But I'm sure I will be. Lisa would have had a fit about the red eyes."
"Do you want to talk about her?" Eric asked.
Brandon shook his head. "She's all I've talked about for a week. What are you reading?"
"Business Administration. Not important now." Eric couldn't believe how much he missed Brandy. How glad he was to see her again.
"If you're studying, I don't want to disturb you." Brandon started to leave but Eric stopped him.
"Please. I can read that anytime. How was the trip? I mean other than..." he groaned internally.
"It was fine." Brandon smiled softly. "It was good to see everyone. Everyone else. Poor Alex was a wreck. He held her hand for the whole funeral." The tears started again, He tried to stop them but it was futile. He didn't cry for long though. It was too warm, too wonderful wrapped in Eric's arms.
Eric hated seeing Brandy cry. But he loved any excuse to hold her tight. Feel her warmth nestled next to his. Her hair against his face. Any excuse. A cool breeze, a scary movie, a crowded elevator. In the short month they'd been dating, he'd tried everything. She still wouldn't do more than kiss, not even him touch her breasts. She was flat-chest-ed, practically boy flat. In fact, generally her figure was pretty bad. But she had great legs and a tight ass. And right now, she was curled into his lap. Looks really don't matter in the long run, Eric thought, kissing the top of Brandy's head.
She had a fear of intimacy, Eric had realized early on. She wasn't prudish — in fact, some of the things she said when the group was together and saying the crass things people say in private where shockingly risqué. Totally unexpected from a girl who was afraid of letting his hand stroke a tit. Someone she trusted sexually abused her, he presumed. Maybe he scarred her physically as well as mentally.
Eric found himself again wondering what the big secret was that made her so 'different'. He wasn't used to waiting like this; other girls had gone to bed with him early on. He gotten a little spoiled by it. Still, it had only been a month and Brandy seemed worth the wait. Brandy. He hated that name. He kissed her hair again. "Hey." He said softly. "Can I ask you a favor?"
Brandon shifted, realizing that he had been sitting there, hard, for way too long. "Of course." I have to tell him, he thought for the millionth time.
"Would you mind if I called you Ping Lo?"
Brandon smiled. "Of course not. It's my name."
Eric shrugged. "I didn't know if you preferred Brandy." He kissed Brandon's forehead. "Ping Lo."
"I like the way you say that." Brandon wanted to melt into Eric. To crawl into bed with him and never move. He'll hate me.
The lights in the hallway flashed. Lights out — all guests out, boys and girls on their on floors or in the TV room downstairs. Eric kissed Brandon and let him go.
In his room, with the door locked, the window covered and the lights off, Brandon stroked himself slowly; thinking of Eric's lips and Eric's hands and wishing like all hell he had the balls to tell him the truth. I could do him, Brandon thought suddenly, happily. I could touch him and lick him and —. His rational thought stopped as he came hard imagining Eric's cream spraying. He lay back on the bed, panting.
Eric, on the other hand was lying awake turning the phrase 'medical condition' over in his mind again. He had stopped asking Ping Lo what it meant but he hadn't stopped wondering. Medical condition implied something was wrong with her but she was active, alert and not on medication that he could tell. She didn't have a lot of prescriptions in her room. She didn't have odd doctor's appointments. So it was something stable and visible but not specifically harmful. His mind kept trying to come up with ideas and kept coming back to the same one.
Ping Lo was born a boy.
Or one of those babies that they can't tell which and doctors do the surgery right after birth. Eric had seen a Discovery Channel show about the conditions. Sometimes the children on the show had both male and female characters as they grew up. But they had hormones and surgery and they were girls afterwards. Real girls. He tried to remember if Ping Lo was born in the US or not. They may not have done a proper job of the surgery if she was born in China. She may have scars that she feels are ugly. Eric sat up and turned on a light.
How would that change the way he felt? If she had been carved not born the way she is? What if she couldn't have sex normally because of it? His mind raced through problems. What if all we can do is kiss?
When he thought of kissing her, he couldn't help smiling to himself. Somehow, the world seemed right or maybe it was just that it went away. Either way kissing Ping Lo was the high point of any day right at that point in Eric's life. He picked up his phone and called her.
"Hello?" she sounded like he woke her. "Eric?"
"Hi, Honey. I won't keep you up. I just wanted to tell you something."
"What?" she had a worried note in her voice.
"You said you were different..."
"Yeah but..."
" ... hold on, I don't care. I don't want to know."
"You don't?"
"No. I love you as you are. That's enough." She was silent. "Ping Lo?"
"You said love." She whispered.
Eric thought about it for a few seconds; he did not mean to say 'love'.
"You can't love me." Ping Lo whispered. "This is so not fucking fair." She hung up. When Eric called back, it went to her voice mail.
Brandon avoided Eric for a whole week before he cornered him in library. "Ping Lo! What is your problem?"
"I..." He glanced around. He didn't want to discuss this at all. He certainly didn't want to discuss it publicly. "Eric, I'm sorry. It just won't work."
"You mean you won't let it work."
"Lower your voice." Brandon looked around again. No one was paying them any obvious attention. "Can we please do this somewhere private?"
"Right. OK." Eric had no intention of letting her get away from him now. He grabbed her arm and pulled her with him. On the other side of the library, one floor down, the study rooms were pretty close to soundproof. He found an empty one. She glared at him but went inside. "Why are you fighting this? I didn't say let's get married and have kids."
"Eric, we can't date."
"Why not?"
"Because ... just because."
"That's not an answer."
She turned away from him. "Look, I'm just trying to be fair to you. I don't want you to be hurt when you find out the truth about me."
"So tell me now."
"I thought you didn't want to know."
"I don't. But if it's such a big damn deal, then tell me. At least I'll know it's not race or — or — shit, I don't know but this is driving me crazy. Are we dating or not?"
"We are not. I didn't mean to lead you on. I should never have let you kiss me."
"Let me..." For a moment he was so mad he was honestly seeing red. "Fine. You know what? Fine."
"Eric, I'm sorry." Ping Lo took a step toward him but he stepped back.
"No. I'm done. I'm out." He stormed out of the room and out of the building. He was halfway to the dorm when he remembered that he had been in the library for a reason. He swore and went back. If Ping Lo was still there, she stayed out of his way.
Brandon sat in the study room and tried not to cry. It wasn't fair. Even angry, all he could really think about was what did Eric taste like and how long would it take. It wasn't fair. He pulled himself together and went to the commissary.
"You look wrecked." Karen commented when she and Tracy had trays and the three of them were seated.
"I ran into Eric." They both groaned in sympathy. "He just doesn't understand."
"Typical male." Tracy shrugged.
"Well, I don't get it either." Karen said nibbling a fry. "You guys are perfect together."
"Karen..." Tracy warned.
"He's just not..." Gay. Brandon completed the thought silently. " ... for me."
"You're still sweet on someone back home, aren't you."
"No. It would be easier if I was. This is all — complicated."
"You have no idea about complicated." Tracy leaned in conspiratorially. "Guess who's already pregnant." The conversation moved to gossip and giggles.
Brandon and Eric remained cordial. Brandon smiled politely at the girl on Eric's arm when they ran into each other at the Columbus Day rally. Eric shook hands with the boy who was holding Brandon at the Veteran's Day memorial speech. Neither of them was happy.
The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, the dorm had it's annual 'Dinner before the Dinner' — a night of cooking for the local soup kitchen. Brandon started helping peel potatoes and somehow moved from chore to chore until he found himself loading the car with Eric. Neither spoke as they sat on the trunk, waiting for the next load.
Eric just felt the words 'I'm sorry' in his throat waiting to burst out. Ping Lo was so pretty, so damn cute in a pink coat with fur. Matching pink winter boots. It was all too sweet. He missed her too much. "Are you still seeing Brad?" He asked finally.
Brandon laughed. "Brad's gay." It had been the height of irony when the boy broke-up with Brandon because he wanted to see someone else. Someone else turned out to be Carlos.
"Oh. I'm sorry." Internally, Eric cheered. Ping Lo wasn't likely to have male 'parts' if she was dumped by a fag.
"It's ok. I just wish he had told me first." Brandon sighed.
"So," Eric said after a pause, "You're not seeing anyone now, then?"
So wrong, so wrong, so wrong. "I never was seeing anyone else, really." Brandon whispered. He looked at Eric and this time he turned Eric's face toward his own and he initiated the kiss. When the next load of food finally arrived, they were leaned back against the car window, fogging it over with the heat from their kisses. Brandon blushed.
Over Thanksgiving, they spoke daily from their respective homes — Brandon in Virginia, Eric in Ohio. It was nice to see old friends and family but Brandon was chaffing in pants. He'd gotten used to skirts, dresses and the silky slips he wore under them. Still, even here, he'd stopped wearing boxers and brief altogether. He had discovered the thong. Then — Eric or no — he let Alex discover the thong. They spent a crazy, hot, sweaty night in Alex's room, trading between top and bottom until they both collapsed.
They next morning, Brandon woke to Alex's soft kisses around his neck and shoulders. "Hey. So when you gonna do this, Eric dude?"
"Oh." Brandon sighed. "Never. He's a little homo-phobic. I tell him, he'll likely freak."
"Aw, com'on. Give 'em uh break. You not even gonna blow him?" Alex reached around to caress Brandon's morning wood. "Phobic or not, he'll think twice after you blow him. You right good at that." Brandon groaned as Alex's hand sent tingles up all the right nerve paths. "Call him an' tell him you gonna blow him when you see him."
"Now?" Brandon breathed.
"Now, pussy."
Brandon tried to stand up but Alex kept a firm grip on his dick. He was able to reach his phone on the dresser and speed dialed Eric's number.
"Hello?" a sleepy voice answered.
"Eric?"
"Hey, babe." Eric recognized Ping Lo's voice but the timber of it sounded a bit distracted. "What's going on?"
"I was just thinking about you." She sounded breathless. "And ... uh ... you know. About you."
"No. What about me?"
She hesitated and seemed to have trouble catching her breath. "You know. Playing. With myself."
Eric found himself suddenly awake and throbbing, all his senses focused on the phone. It was an unexpectedly — uncharacteristically — erotic thing for Ping Lo to say. "And thinking about me?"
"Yes." Her breath caught.
"Are you still..."
"Oh, yes." She moaned softly.
"And you called to tell me that?" Eric found his own hand stroking himself slowly.
"No." She sighed into the phone. "I called to say ... I want you. But I ... I can't ... I ... when we get home..."
"Yeah? Tell me what you want."
"I wanna lick it, baby, I wanna take it in my mouth and suck it." She panted. "Can I? Can I suck it?"
"Oh, yeah. Honey, you can suck it anytime you want. I wanna suck that pussy of yours too..."
"No!" She shouted suddenly. "I mean, I'm just not ... I can't. Would you mind if..."
"It's cool, it's cool." Eric tried to sooth her. "If you're not ready for that, it's ok. Just know that when you are, I want you. OK?"
"Ok." She sighed and seemed to relax again. "But until, can I ... I wanna make you feel good. Can I do that?"
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